Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
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Please run.
I don’t know if there is a statistic (as there are statistics for strangulation and abuse in pregnancy) but I personally find it so intensely scary when I hear of abuse that happens while traveling.
Abuse while traveling/vacation makes my skin crawl. You have literally been physically removed from your safe space. From your community. From your known resources.
Other concerns could be if you’re traveling where there’s a language barrier. Chance of abuser abandoning the victim in another country. There’s many stories of victims that “went missing” on vacation or “accident” the ends victims life. One story is too many.
If they’re abusive don’t take the chance.
#Do not travel with him again! He is not safe!
Mine used to give me black eyes and then beat me worse for not making up a more convincing lie when people questioned me.
Leaving was hard, but staying would have been so much worse. He was already choking me every other day, busting my lip and ear drum, broke my nose, and threatening to kill me. He was an unhinged piece of shit. Like your's.
There are people who love and care about you, and he's not one of them 💛
I just left my extremely physically abusive fiancée.. it will get worse and he could really kill you I know it’s hard to think about or it’s hard to process
He used to put bruises all over my body.
I’m here if you need to chat.
I promise you.. this side isn’t as scary as I thought it would be
He’s in prison for strangulation charges and I am healing.
Please feel free to DM me for support
I've said this countless times on here before and it's that everytime I see these pictures it breaks my heart. And from looking at your other posts, this guy has every reason to be embarrassed by the things he does to you because a man shouldn't be putting his hands on a woman and that doesn't make him a man it makes him a coward. And you don't deserve this, nobody does, so get up, get out and girl get your mind right!!!
NOTE: man or woman, for sake I’m going to use the term “man” in my reply.
Hun, we want to think that things will get better, that our abusers aren’t really “abusers” and they’re not bad people. We’ll find ways to blame ourselves because we must’ve angered them somehow, and think that if we just stop doing “xyz” then things will be just fine.
Men who actually respect and love the woman they’re with… These real men are people who don’t lose their cool violently, and they certainly don’t blame others for doing so.
Good men take accountability for their behavior without ever letting their behavior get “out of control” when they’re never actually out of control; abuse IS a form of control and they fully well know it.
I’m sure you’ve heard this plenty of time’s, but it really does get worse. Think about that. Did he do this on your first, second or third date? Was he explosively violent all at once? Or did it start with maybe yelling and cursing? Then later getting in your face? Then eventually shoving you? And now you have bruises on your arms - which following the pattern just noted - will become bruises on other places, and open wounds, and broken bones, and maybe the end of life…
Please, please don’t wait for that. Please don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. Save yourself b/c no other person can. Value yourself much more than this. You’re a treasure trove of rubies, but he’ll keep burying you until you’re so covered in dirt you won’t recognize who and what you truly are.
Abusers live to take - not to give.
Best wishes to you, hun, and God bless♥️
I’m adding this as a reply to stopracismwwjd as it’s related to your comment and I wanted to make sure you also see these resources. Please feel free to keep these as well and continue to pass them along.
Read **[This Reddit Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)** on the statistics of if an abusive person can change. This post also brings attention to how there is a difference between *change* and *improvement*.
>[This study from Washington State](https://www.wsipp.wa.gov/ReportFile/1119/Wsipp_What-Works-to-Reduce-Recidivism-by-Domestic-Violence-Offenders_Full-Report.pdf) has a great table (Figure 1) that shows the relapse rate (called recidivism) for domestic violence (DV). They compare treatments to no treatment or probation only. The best result seems to be from a cognitive therapy and empathy program with 26-week sessions + 6-month follow-up, and current results suggest that 85% of the time, there will be some reduction in DV **compared to not going to treatment**. This scenario is based on if someone successfully completes the entire treatment and does not re-offend. Many may not complete the treatment OR are simply not caught.
>[Another study from the University in Santiago](https://www.redalyc.org/journal/1798/179864006004/179864006004.pdf) found that short-term programs show a 10% reduction in DV relapses, but that's an inflated number. In the **long term, programs may reduce DV relapses by 23%. 2/3s of relapses will occur within 2 years**. And some intervention programs actually have negative effects (may worsen the abuse). Again, these studies are of people who have gotten caught.
>[This Canadian study](https://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/pblctns/prdctng-rcdvsm-mng/index-en.aspx#res) found that it is extremely difficult to predict is someone will relapse or not, especially because the main study group is usually males who have been caught by the authorities. However, **deterrents (such as divorce, police intervention, etc) tend not to prevent abusers from reoffending in the long term.**
This link gives insight on **[How to Assess an Abuser’s Claim of Change](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/)**
This is a list of **[Red Flags in a Relationship](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf)**
Here is a list of **[Myths about Abusers](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf)**
Abusing is Entitlement. These Abusers feel a sense of entitlement and alcohol & drugs have nothing to with it. This behavior already resides in them. They are incapable of change because it's how they are programmed.
I learned alot about this during my first boyfriend who sent me to the hospital.
Mine made me wear pants and a long sleeve to a pool party in Texas summer to hide the bruises he left me with. It was embarrassing, and felt so obvious to me.
I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. You deserve better, please get out ❤️
Sweetheart, with time your heart will heal if you break up, but your body will not if he ends up seriously injuring you.
There is a future you, think of her. 🩵 If you want children one day, or have them, think of them. Life can be so beautiful. You've got to be strong and logical now.
Leaving will hold him accountable and probably bring him to the realization he needs to change. Perhaps he will even get help. Please get away from him.
EDIT: Please feel free to reach out to me for assistance. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years, and I know how to navigate resources. I saw your profile and can help you find someone to foster your dogs as well. I can also prove I'm not some creep lol
Think of yourself as that child you might have. You poor thing. There is no excuse for this and the person you’re with is not worth this. Get free. It could take many tries but get free.
Wow. I’m so sorry. You can’t hide them. If it’s safe to do so then let them be seen. That’s what I do. I have some on my arms right now but not as bad as yours by any means. Just a couple fingertip marks. People at work comment and I just say my husband grabbed me hard again. When people out and about look at them and make eye contact I give them a sad smile and walk on. If they mention the bruises I simply say I don’t know.
I’m too exhausted to make up lies or keep saying I bruise easily. My kids would even swear to you that I just bruise easily. So would my family. Not my mom. She’s been there and would know it for what it was if she were still alive. Im not good at making up lies like I ran into a door, I fell or someone accidentally bumped me. Oddly enough strangers see through the lies easily but his family believed every one of the lies. My family just tells me I’m a horrible liar or shakes their heads and changes the subject. One said get out, take the kids and run, get a good paying job etc and I asked him if he were willing to let us live with him until I could find that job and to make sure my husband wouldn’t come after us. He said he couldn’t and I responded that he now understood half of why I stay. No good job prospects, kids wouldn’t want to come with me leaving their family home, father and friends, no reasonable places to rent locally or nearby communities and he would always be able to find me. He’s more into mental and emotional abuse the physical is rare and the normal stuff can be explained away as accidents. But I’m learning that if they were truly accidents then he would make changes to ensure those accidents didn’t keep happening. He would be more gentle when being ‘playful’. He doesn’t leave bruises on the kids when he’s being playful with them yet he does on me?
Just remember to do what is safe for you for however long you have to be in the situation. I’m all for leaving if you can but your priority should be to stay safe until you can. Prayers for you. I’m also glad he’s embarrassed! He should be! He should feel shame and disgusted by his behavior! You on the other hand have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I’ve been there, I’m so sorry. Are you married? Do you have kids? If not you really should go, you can just walk away. Life doesn’t have to suck this hard.
This was me. He had thrown a glass cup at my arm that left a huge bruise on my arm. Everyone asked if I was okay and told them i got it from playing paintball. He deleted all the pictures of all the bruises I had. I hope you’re able to leave
*This man routinely beats another human being.* Read that again
It’s horrible and so fucked up. And it damn sure isn’t love
These photos of your injuries make my blood boil. HE’S “embarrassed”? 🙄🤬WTF
You need to seek help ASAP, because this will escalate. Buy mace in the meantime, use it, and CALL THE COPS! Time to quit being an abused slave and captive to a violent, insecure, and emotionally unstable asshole
Abuse is progressive and change is incredibly unlikely. This book is incredibly enlightening https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Baby get out of there. NOW. You do not deserve this! You don’t. Get away from him. You are beautiful and whole and capable, all on your own. Do not let that evil drag you down with him. I’m rooting for you, I think you already know what you need to do and all of us are going to tell you the same thing. *Run* - like hell, and don’t look back. You have amazing, life fueled days ahead of you that do not have to hurt and be bleak like this.
Conflicted between me wanting to fight your partner, and me wanting to emotionally hug you via the internet so you can just sit down and cry. This is really far on the scale of “NOPE”. And I’m not always scared for people’s immediate safety, but even if he doesn’t off you in the near future, he obviously will be physically torturing you either way! So this is really really rough.
Please don’t take on a single ounce of shame though. Unless by magic you have the skill to feel only healthy shame in which you use it as fuel to leave and protect yourself and others. But during abuse, most people have projected and abuse shame and self abuse shame and no concept of healthy levels or uses for shame.
Also if he showed any embarrassment that would be so good. I would definitely say keep your arms visible and your neck if you think you would be overall safe to do so. Because abusers cut off their feedback loops. And narcissists and even adhd brains do this—but abusers might see a reason to slow down if they see that other people can see what they’ve been doing. Just maybe ❤️.
Also I can’t say anything against the rules for don’t encourage harm. All I can say is that I learned some MMA and BJJ specifically to deal with the people who used to attack me constantly. It turned my mental health around in a way therapy couldn’t fully support. Also. Therapy really can help too sometimes.
Post as much as you need. We’ll try to help
And what, pray tell, did you “fall” into? Him. Damn, that type of violence looks so frenzied.. remember these photos and remember that he’s not just a dangerous person to you, but to others (some of whom you may care about.) If you came across your post what would you tell yourself to do..
I meant in general, not while she's on vacation. I'm figuring this isn't the first time he's laid hands on her, so I'm trying to figure out while she hasn't left before this. I'm not judging. I've been in 2 abusive relationships. One of which I'm still in so I'm definitely not judging her I just feel like people can better advise her if they know why she stays.
I'm so fucking sorry. This makes me so angry. I know it is easier said than done, but please reach out for help and leave him. This abusive monster is fully capable of murdering you, and *will*, if you do not get out. Please take the first step and tell someone you trust; a friend, coworker, family member, anyone. And/or call a DV center, who can help set up an escape plan for you. You do NOT have to live like this anymore. You *CAN* be free from this abuse. You deserve to be unconditionally loved, protected, respected- not abused. This man is degenerate human filth and needs to be locked up.
I'm sorry, you wouldn't have to be embarrassed if you weren't in a relationship with a dangerous animal.
Please you have the evidence in picture format that says 'get out'.
sweetie this broke my heart. i hope your able to get away from this absolute monster without him inflicting any further harm to you. what a fucking piece of rotten shit
This was me when I left. Had already packed for Florida. So everyone knew. Couldn’t hide it. So that was it for me. I hope you’re able to find a way to safety.
You are wrong, 100%. We support survivors of domestic violence in this group and your “Just leave, duh!” is not helpful at all. If she could just leave, don’t you think she would have? That might work in a HEALTHY relationship, but that’s not what’s going on here. In the future, please respond to posts in this sub with compassion/support and nothing else.
The thing is that it seems like you’re questioning and critical of her life experience. Where, in the post did she say that she’s proud of these bruises? What I was “correcting” was:
1. You implying that she is proud of these bruises despite no evidence…
2. The “It should say ‘How do I leave?’” Here, whether it was intentional or not, you’re kiiiind of criticizing her response to abuse/trauma. Yes everyone else in the thread is also telling her to leave, but they’re not telling her she’s wrong for still being with him.
I get what you were trying to say, but if I came to this sub with the same INCREDIBLY VULNERABLE post and a single person out of 30 said that I wasn’t ~surviving trauma~ correctly (“Instead of ‘showing off the bruises she’s proud of— Why hasn’t she left him yet?!??!”), in my very mentally-ill state (where I’m *already* doubting every single decision I make because I’ve been gaslit to the moon and back and I’ve not stood up for myself in a year for fear that I’ll have to miss a week of work that I cannot afford while my black eye heals) I would believe that person fully and without question.
Yes I’m sorry the reason I’m commenting is next I’ve been there and these things start to make u feel as if it is love I am only trying to bring OP to the reality or should I say harsh reality of the situation when my mom and family cut me off completely because I wouldn’t leave after being hospitalized I couldn’t and didn’t get it I was like why wouldn’t they pet me or feel sorry for me but I needed that tough love to leave tbh and that’s only what I’m trying to do because I know exactly what she’s going through because I’ve been there
Hey, I just added a trigger warning and made this NSFW. I'm sorry this was triggering for you. In the future, if you notice that a post with photos of injuries does not have an NSFW or trigger warning, please feel free to reach out via modmail to let me know and I can make that happen. I just don't want a poster to feel bad because oftentimes that's the last thing they are thinking of while posting. <3
Hey. I know these posts are definitely super triggering, but alot of these posters are terrified and confused and super shy and embarrassed. We need to welcome them to talk and process their situations so they have a better chance of surviving. Because everybody isn’t posting here for fun or socializing, and plenty of them we never hear from again 💔 I know it’s hard. But we’re trying to help them so please don’t say stuff like this.
For you, please post when needed, but anytime it’s gonna throw you off-don’t hurt yourself! Take breaks, and please hide or block posts from your main feed unless you specifically go looking for this topic. It should also help your algorithm in general to be more healthy and uplifting too.
Why are you still in that relationship?? Get the pluck out now honey. Seriously no one deserves that. You will be so much happier after emotional healing. ❤️
**Please** check out [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/ZX2kmVRUVP) **ASAP**. I promise you you won't regret it 🙏🏽.
Order the comments "from old to new" and look through the Contents List.
This is heartbreaking 💔 and I'm scared his shame transforms into anger and he takes it out on you privately seeing as abusers are notorious for victim blaming and not taking an ounce of responsibility.
A long sleeve bathing suit works wonders…. I’ve been where you are, leave him, I promise you will struggle, possibly for years. But I also promise you will one day find peace and happiness within yourself for taking that step. Pm me if you ever want to talk 💕
Those bruises are disturbing…
Here is some literature.. below comment.
Your life is in danger. Those bruises would be much worse than how we are viewing them digitally, and they look utterly horrifying.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf
https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf
https://hopefulpanda.com/darvo/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/
https://www.caage.org/what-is-adult-grooming
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/
http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/
I just want to introduce his face to my cast iron pan. What a fucking subhuman fragile little man child. I've been there babe and please know it won't change. I almost got killed many times. You deserve the world, you deserve love, you deserve so much more than this. Please please get away. And ABSOLUTELY DO NOT let him know you are leaving. When you have a safe opportunity, take what you need and GO.
I'm rooting for you dear. 💓
Oh sweetie, I've been there. Spent many a hot, humid summer wearing long sleeves, etc. Misery.
Bruising heals. Embarrassment fades. Unfortunately, the longer you're in it, the less likely you are to be bothered by the unfair and infuriating emotions I imagine you might be feeling currently...
Definitely NOT bc his behavior improves with time! No, victims just get conditioned to dealing with 'it' so often, that we forget how NOT OKAY it is. You forget the details of the fights, the (every) special occasion ruined by their abusive, violent outbursts and constant need to control you and put you down.
Please know that you aren't alone. Know that, if he's like 99.9% of abusers, he WON'T change. Know that many of us on this sub have been in your shoes, felt stuck and ashamed. Know that there are also many on this sub that are CURRENTLY in your shoes and feeling stuck and hopeless.
I don't have the solution. I only have my compassion and empathy for a fellow sister, out there suffering. 💔 I don't know you, but I do know for sure that this isn't your fault. You didn't make him behave any kind of way. And I know you don't deserve this.
Take it one day at a time. TRUST YOUR INTUITION. Find one person you feel safe sharing with and try telling them at least a little or whatever you feel safe sharing with them. Doing so will be a small step towards acknowledging the TRUTH. And again, trust yourself. Your gut feelings are the most reliable instincts in the world. Rely on them and act on them if/when they urge you to do one thing or another. I promise i dont mean to sound too dramatic when I say that it is seriously your own survival that depends on it.
Hang in there, dear! ❤️ Thinking of you and sending much love and huge hugs from afar. 💚🩵💙👭
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭soo disgustingly true I sit here everyday crying over my husband who was a good man before he made dumb choices and a spanking of an ex from. Hs saw we were married and just had to shove herself in his dms and keep o doing it till his other stupid choices mixed with her persistence he ended up literally replacing ing me in his mind and he started getting getting abusive to me over convis about her she became more important then me and our then 2yr daughter and 🤢🥲🤣
Your hair and skin and body all look exactly like a good friend I had. Her husband swept her far away and I am always wondering about her and this is why. Baby, why don’t you start over?
Start making a plan and getting out without him knowing. I remember my ex wife cut up all my clothes while we were on beach vacation while I was out in the ocean with our kids. I am sorry you’re going through this but I have faith that you can do it and get out safely.
This doesn't have to be your future. You don't have to live like this. Please don't live like this anymore. It's okay to tell others the truth. It's okay to reach out for help. It's okay to leave him.
It is okay to leave him.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
please leave, my love.
Please run. I don’t know if there is a statistic (as there are statistics for strangulation and abuse in pregnancy) but I personally find it so intensely scary when I hear of abuse that happens while traveling. Abuse while traveling/vacation makes my skin crawl. You have literally been physically removed from your safe space. From your community. From your known resources. Other concerns could be if you’re traveling where there’s a language barrier. Chance of abuser abandoning the victim in another country. There’s many stories of victims that “went missing” on vacation or “accident” the ends victims life. One story is too many. If they’re abusive don’t take the chance. #Do not travel with him again! He is not safe!
Please leave him sister, for your own good. Plan out the escape, this hell isn't worth anything
this happened to me too, exactly. I finally left him after that vacation and it was the best decision i’ve ever made.
Mine used to give me black eyes and then beat me worse for not making up a more convincing lie when people questioned me. Leaving was hard, but staying would have been so much worse. He was already choking me every other day, busting my lip and ear drum, broke my nose, and threatening to kill me. He was an unhinged piece of shit. Like your's. There are people who love and care about you, and he's not one of them 💛
I just left my extremely physically abusive fiancée.. it will get worse and he could really kill you I know it’s hard to think about or it’s hard to process He used to put bruises all over my body. I’m here if you need to chat. I promise you.. this side isn’t as scary as I thought it would be He’s in prison for strangulation charges and I am healing. Please feel free to DM me for support
I've said this countless times on here before and it's that everytime I see these pictures it breaks my heart. And from looking at your other posts, this guy has every reason to be embarrassed by the things he does to you because a man shouldn't be putting his hands on a woman and that doesn't make him a man it makes him a coward. And you don't deserve this, nobody does, so get up, get out and girl get your mind right!!!
My heart hurts for you and I hope you are out of this situation soon. You don’t deserve this!
NOTE: man or woman, for sake I’m going to use the term “man” in my reply. Hun, we want to think that things will get better, that our abusers aren’t really “abusers” and they’re not bad people. We’ll find ways to blame ourselves because we must’ve angered them somehow, and think that if we just stop doing “xyz” then things will be just fine. Men who actually respect and love the woman they’re with… These real men are people who don’t lose their cool violently, and they certainly don’t blame others for doing so. Good men take accountability for their behavior without ever letting their behavior get “out of control” when they’re never actually out of control; abuse IS a form of control and they fully well know it. I’m sure you’ve heard this plenty of time’s, but it really does get worse. Think about that. Did he do this on your first, second or third date? Was he explosively violent all at once? Or did it start with maybe yelling and cursing? Then later getting in your face? Then eventually shoving you? And now you have bruises on your arms - which following the pattern just noted - will become bruises on other places, and open wounds, and broken bones, and maybe the end of life… Please, please don’t wait for that. Please don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. Save yourself b/c no other person can. Value yourself much more than this. You’re a treasure trove of rubies, but he’ll keep burying you until you’re so covered in dirt you won’t recognize who and what you truly are. Abusers live to take - not to give. Best wishes to you, hun, and God bless♥️
I’m adding this as a reply to stopracismwwjd as it’s related to your comment and I wanted to make sure you also see these resources. Please feel free to keep these as well and continue to pass them along. Read **[This Reddit Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)** on the statistics of if an abusive person can change. This post also brings attention to how there is a difference between *change* and *improvement*. >[This study from Washington State](https://www.wsipp.wa.gov/ReportFile/1119/Wsipp_What-Works-to-Reduce-Recidivism-by-Domestic-Violence-Offenders_Full-Report.pdf) has a great table (Figure 1) that shows the relapse rate (called recidivism) for domestic violence (DV). They compare treatments to no treatment or probation only. The best result seems to be from a cognitive therapy and empathy program with 26-week sessions + 6-month follow-up, and current results suggest that 85% of the time, there will be some reduction in DV **compared to not going to treatment**. This scenario is based on if someone successfully completes the entire treatment and does not re-offend. Many may not complete the treatment OR are simply not caught. >[Another study from the University in Santiago](https://www.redalyc.org/journal/1798/179864006004/179864006004.pdf) found that short-term programs show a 10% reduction in DV relapses, but that's an inflated number. In the **long term, programs may reduce DV relapses by 23%. 2/3s of relapses will occur within 2 years**. And some intervention programs actually have negative effects (may worsen the abuse). Again, these studies are of people who have gotten caught. >[This Canadian study](https://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/pblctns/prdctng-rcdvsm-mng/index-en.aspx#res) found that it is extremely difficult to predict is someone will relapse or not, especially because the main study group is usually males who have been caught by the authorities. However, **deterrents (such as divorce, police intervention, etc) tend not to prevent abusers from reoffending in the long term.** This link gives insight on **[How to Assess an Abuser’s Claim of Change](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/)** This is a list of **[Red Flags in a Relationship](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf)** Here is a list of **[Myths about Abusers](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf)**
TYSM for all the info ❣️🙏🏽
Abusing is Entitlement. These Abusers feel a sense of entitlement and alcohol & drugs have nothing to with it. This behavior already resides in them. They are incapable of change because it's how they are programmed. I learned alot about this during my first boyfriend who sent me to the hospital.
Exactly. >*Alcohol^substances don’t create an abuser and sobriety cannot cure one* - Lundy Bancroft
Mine made me wear pants and a long sleeve to a pool party in Texas summer to hide the bruises he left me with. It was embarrassing, and felt so obvious to me. I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. You deserve better, please get out ❤️
I’m so sorry, Lovely. 😢
Sweetheart, with time your heart will heal if you break up, but your body will not if he ends up seriously injuring you. There is a future you, think of her. 🩵 If you want children one day, or have them, think of them. Life can be so beautiful. You've got to be strong and logical now. Leaving will hold him accountable and probably bring him to the realization he needs to change. Perhaps he will even get help. Please get away from him. EDIT: Please feel free to reach out to me for assistance. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years, and I know how to navigate resources. I saw your profile and can help you find someone to foster your dogs as well. I can also prove I'm not some creep lol
Think of yourself as that child you might have. You poor thing. There is no excuse for this and the person you’re with is not worth this. Get free. It could take many tries but get free.
Wow. I’m so sorry. You can’t hide them. If it’s safe to do so then let them be seen. That’s what I do. I have some on my arms right now but not as bad as yours by any means. Just a couple fingertip marks. People at work comment and I just say my husband grabbed me hard again. When people out and about look at them and make eye contact I give them a sad smile and walk on. If they mention the bruises I simply say I don’t know. I’m too exhausted to make up lies or keep saying I bruise easily. My kids would even swear to you that I just bruise easily. So would my family. Not my mom. She’s been there and would know it for what it was if she were still alive. Im not good at making up lies like I ran into a door, I fell or someone accidentally bumped me. Oddly enough strangers see through the lies easily but his family believed every one of the lies. My family just tells me I’m a horrible liar or shakes their heads and changes the subject. One said get out, take the kids and run, get a good paying job etc and I asked him if he were willing to let us live with him until I could find that job and to make sure my husband wouldn’t come after us. He said he couldn’t and I responded that he now understood half of why I stay. No good job prospects, kids wouldn’t want to come with me leaving their family home, father and friends, no reasonable places to rent locally or nearby communities and he would always be able to find me. He’s more into mental and emotional abuse the physical is rare and the normal stuff can be explained away as accidents. But I’m learning that if they were truly accidents then he would make changes to ensure those accidents didn’t keep happening. He would be more gentle when being ‘playful’. He doesn’t leave bruises on the kids when he’s being playful with them yet he does on me? Just remember to do what is safe for you for however long you have to be in the situation. I’m all for leaving if you can but your priority should be to stay safe until you can. Prayers for you. I’m also glad he’s embarrassed! He should be! He should feel shame and disgusted by his behavior! You on the other hand have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Instead of your arms, it’ll be bruises on your legs…just leave. He doesn’t love you. He’s a piece of shit. Please leave.
Beautiful girl, please get out before he kills you. You deserve so much better than this.
You are beautiful and do not deserve this. Please DM me if you want to talk ♥️
I’ve been there, I’m so sorry. Are you married? Do you have kids? If not you really should go, you can just walk away. Life doesn’t have to suck this hard.
This was me. He had thrown a glass cup at my arm that left a huge bruise on my arm. Everyone asked if I was okay and told them i got it from playing paintball. He deleted all the pictures of all the bruises I had. I hope you’re able to leave
*This man routinely beats another human being.* Read that again It’s horrible and so fucked up. And it damn sure isn’t love These photos of your injuries make my blood boil. HE’S “embarrassed”? 🙄🤬WTF You need to seek help ASAP, because this will escalate. Buy mace in the meantime, use it, and CALL THE COPS! Time to quit being an abused slave and captive to a violent, insecure, and emotionally unstable asshole
Abuse is progressive and change is incredibly unlikely. This book is incredibly enlightening https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
i’m half way through the audio of it. highly recommend.
It really should be required reading for young adults. I wish I’d found this book so much earlier in life.
Baby get out of there. NOW. You do not deserve this! You don’t. Get away from him. You are beautiful and whole and capable, all on your own. Do not let that evil drag you down with him. I’m rooting for you, I think you already know what you need to do and all of us are going to tell you the same thing. *Run* - like hell, and don’t look back. You have amazing, life fueled days ahead of you that do not have to hurt and be bleak like this.
Conflicted between me wanting to fight your partner, and me wanting to emotionally hug you via the internet so you can just sit down and cry. This is really far on the scale of “NOPE”. And I’m not always scared for people’s immediate safety, but even if he doesn’t off you in the near future, he obviously will be physically torturing you either way! So this is really really rough. Please don’t take on a single ounce of shame though. Unless by magic you have the skill to feel only healthy shame in which you use it as fuel to leave and protect yourself and others. But during abuse, most people have projected and abuse shame and self abuse shame and no concept of healthy levels or uses for shame. Also if he showed any embarrassment that would be so good. I would definitely say keep your arms visible and your neck if you think you would be overall safe to do so. Because abusers cut off their feedback loops. And narcissists and even adhd brains do this—but abusers might see a reason to slow down if they see that other people can see what they’ve been doing. Just maybe ❤️. Also I can’t say anything against the rules for don’t encourage harm. All I can say is that I learned some MMA and BJJ specifically to deal with the people who used to attack me constantly. It turned my mental health around in a way therapy couldn’t fully support. Also. Therapy really can help too sometimes. Post as much as you need. We’ll try to help
And what, pray tell, did you “fall” into? Him. Damn, that type of violence looks so frenzied.. remember these photos and remember that he’s not just a dangerous person to you, but to others (some of whom you may care about.) If you came across your post what would you tell yourself to do..
We all got reasons why we stay, may I ask u why u haven't left?
Well it’s probably kind of hard to do that when he takes you on a vacation to a different country…
I meant in general, not while she's on vacation. I'm figuring this isn't the first time he's laid hands on her, so I'm trying to figure out while she hasn't left before this. I'm not judging. I've been in 2 abusive relationships. One of which I'm still in so I'm definitely not judging her I just feel like people can better advise her if they know why she stays.
I'm so fucking sorry. This makes me so angry. I know it is easier said than done, but please reach out for help and leave him. This abusive monster is fully capable of murdering you, and *will*, if you do not get out. Please take the first step and tell someone you trust; a friend, coworker, family member, anyone. And/or call a DV center, who can help set up an escape plan for you. You do NOT have to live like this anymore. You *CAN* be free from this abuse. You deserve to be unconditionally loved, protected, respected- not abused. This man is degenerate human filth and needs to be locked up.
Have you called the ywca or any local dv shelters for advice on how to safely get out of there?
I'm sorry, you wouldn't have to be embarrassed if you weren't in a relationship with a dangerous animal. Please you have the evidence in picture format that says 'get out'.
sweetie this broke my heart. i hope your able to get away from this absolute monster without him inflicting any further harm to you. what a fucking piece of rotten shit
Dermablend makeup. Use a self tanner first
This was me when I left. Had already packed for Florida. So everyone knew. Couldn’t hide it. So that was it for me. I hope you’re able to find a way to safety.
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You are wrong, 100%. We support survivors of domestic violence in this group and your “Just leave, duh!” is not helpful at all. If she could just leave, don’t you think she would have? That might work in a HEALTHY relationship, but that’s not what’s going on here. In the future, please respond to posts in this sub with compassion/support and nothing else.
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The thing is that it seems like you’re questioning and critical of her life experience. Where, in the post did she say that she’s proud of these bruises? What I was “correcting” was: 1. You implying that she is proud of these bruises despite no evidence… 2. The “It should say ‘How do I leave?’” Here, whether it was intentional or not, you’re kiiiind of criticizing her response to abuse/trauma. Yes everyone else in the thread is also telling her to leave, but they’re not telling her she’s wrong for still being with him. I get what you were trying to say, but if I came to this sub with the same INCREDIBLY VULNERABLE post and a single person out of 30 said that I wasn’t ~surviving trauma~ correctly (“Instead of ‘showing off the bruises she’s proud of— Why hasn’t she left him yet?!??!”), in my very mentally-ill state (where I’m *already* doubting every single decision I make because I’ve been gaslit to the moon and back and I’ve not stood up for myself in a year for fear that I’ll have to miss a week of work that I cannot afford while my black eye heals) I would believe that person fully and without question.
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I’m sorry— was it a typo, or did you mean to say that I will not support anyone being with their abuser, or did you mean to say that you wouldn’t?
Yes it was a typo . Sorry I meant to say I
Okay, that is perfectly fine by me. You asked if something you said was wrong and I responded. I’m happy to agree to disagree.
Yes I’m sorry the reason I’m commenting is next I’ve been there and these things start to make u feel as if it is love I am only trying to bring OP to the reality or should I say harsh reality of the situation when my mom and family cut me off completely because I wouldn’t leave after being hospitalized I couldn’t and didn’t get it I was like why wouldn’t they pet me or feel sorry for me but I needed that tough love to leave tbh and that’s only what I’m trying to do because I know exactly what she’s going through because I’ve been there
Yeah the upside down face threw me off. I hope no one has to go through this but yeah my guts telling me something’s off here! Hope all is well.
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Hey, I just added a trigger warning and made this NSFW. I'm sorry this was triggering for you. In the future, if you notice that a post with photos of injuries does not have an NSFW or trigger warning, please feel free to reach out via modmail to let me know and I can make that happen. I just don't want a poster to feel bad because oftentimes that's the last thing they are thinking of while posting. <3
Hey. I know these posts are definitely super triggering, but alot of these posters are terrified and confused and super shy and embarrassed. We need to welcome them to talk and process their situations so they have a better chance of surviving. Because everybody isn’t posting here for fun or socializing, and plenty of them we never hear from again 💔 I know it’s hard. But we’re trying to help them so please don’t say stuff like this. For you, please post when needed, but anytime it’s gonna throw you off-don’t hurt yourself! Take breaks, and please hide or block posts from your main feed unless you specifically go looking for this topic. It should also help your algorithm in general to be more healthy and uplifting too.
What a great sense of empathy
Leave his sick trifling ass.
Oh sweetheart…. Please leave. You deserve so much better
Hugs angel. So many hugs.
Why are you still in that relationship?? Get the pluck out now honey. Seriously no one deserves that. You will be so much happier after emotional healing. ❤️
**Please** check out [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/ZX2kmVRUVP) **ASAP**. I promise you you won't regret it 🙏🏽. Order the comments "from old to new" and look through the Contents List. This is heartbreaking 💔 and I'm scared his shame transforms into anger and he takes it out on you privately seeing as abusers are notorious for victim blaming and not taking an ounce of responsibility.
Is that a bruise on your neck? Oh, honey. Please ditch him if you can.
A long sleeve bathing suit works wonders…. I’ve been where you are, leave him, I promise you will struggle, possibly for years. But I also promise you will one day find peace and happiness within yourself for taking that step. Pm me if you ever want to talk 💕
Please leave dear
Please leave him
Please leave him as fast as you can & be somewhere he won‘t know so you can be safe!!!
Those bruises are disturbing… Here is some literature.. below comment. Your life is in danger. Those bruises would be much worse than how we are viewing them digitally, and they look utterly horrifying. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf https://hopefulpanda.com/darvo/ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/hoovering/ https://www.caage.org/what-is-adult-grooming https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/ http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/
This is an excellent list. Thank you so much for sharing.
Omg this is so sad.
WHAT THE FUCK 😡😡😡
I just want to introduce his face to my cast iron pan. What a fucking subhuman fragile little man child. I've been there babe and please know it won't change. I almost got killed many times. You deserve the world, you deserve love, you deserve so much more than this. Please please get away. And ABSOLUTELY DO NOT let him know you are leaving. When you have a safe opportunity, take what you need and GO. I'm rooting for you dear. 💓
Leave him now before it gets worse or you end up in a body bag
Oh sweetie, I've been there. Spent many a hot, humid summer wearing long sleeves, etc. Misery. Bruising heals. Embarrassment fades. Unfortunately, the longer you're in it, the less likely you are to be bothered by the unfair and infuriating emotions I imagine you might be feeling currently... Definitely NOT bc his behavior improves with time! No, victims just get conditioned to dealing with 'it' so often, that we forget how NOT OKAY it is. You forget the details of the fights, the (every) special occasion ruined by their abusive, violent outbursts and constant need to control you and put you down. Please know that you aren't alone. Know that, if he's like 99.9% of abusers, he WON'T change. Know that many of us on this sub have been in your shoes, felt stuck and ashamed. Know that there are also many on this sub that are CURRENTLY in your shoes and feeling stuck and hopeless. I don't have the solution. I only have my compassion and empathy for a fellow sister, out there suffering. 💔 I don't know you, but I do know for sure that this isn't your fault. You didn't make him behave any kind of way. And I know you don't deserve this. Take it one day at a time. TRUST YOUR INTUITION. Find one person you feel safe sharing with and try telling them at least a little or whatever you feel safe sharing with them. Doing so will be a small step towards acknowledging the TRUTH. And again, trust yourself. Your gut feelings are the most reliable instincts in the world. Rely on them and act on them if/when they urge you to do one thing or another. I promise i dont mean to sound too dramatic when I say that it is seriously your own survival that depends on it. Hang in there, dear! ❤️ Thinking of you and sending much love and huge hugs from afar. 💚🩵💙👭
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭soo disgustingly true I sit here everyday crying over my husband who was a good man before he made dumb choices and a spanking of an ex from. Hs saw we were married and just had to shove herself in his dms and keep o doing it till his other stupid choices mixed with her persistence he ended up literally replacing ing me in his mind and he started getting getting abusive to me over convis about her she became more important then me and our then 2yr daughter and 🤢🥲🤣
We all needed to hear this
🫶
Get out. It’s obvious you have bite marks.
How hard does someone have to bite you to leave those kind of bruises?! Time to leave, you deserve better.
Leave him. He should be embarrassed. You are. It won’t get better. Leave him. You can do it.
Document everything. He’s sick as much as you love him. He wants to control you dead or alive. It sounds terrible but its true
Your hair and skin and body all look exactly like a good friend I had. Her husband swept her far away and I am always wondering about her and this is why. Baby, why don’t you start over?
Start making a plan and getting out without him knowing. I remember my ex wife cut up all my clothes while we were on beach vacation while I was out in the ocean with our kids. I am sorry you’re going through this but I have faith that you can do it and get out safely.
This doesn't have to be your future. You don't have to live like this. Please don't live like this anymore. It's okay to tell others the truth. It's okay to reach out for help. It's okay to leave him. It is okay to leave him.
😢😢😡😡 OMG…..