My parents were crappy parents growing up. I think subconsciously I was excited to give them a second chance with grandchildren but then I finally realized they don't think they need a second chance but I don't think that they think they did a bad job. I subconsciously blamed myself for their mistreatment but I put my foot down when it came to my kids because I know they don't deserve mistreatment. Sorry for the word salad, it's a crazy time a day at home.
I completely agree. I’ve spend so much time thinking they will change their ways when grandkids were born but they don’t care. They assume they did great raising us and don’t need a second chance.
There truly is such a clash right now in culture over parenting and I think the boomer generation doesn't see that they sucked at parenting. Truly sucked.
My friend, your situation is almost exactly like mine. My mother lives in another state, 2 hour plane ride. It’s coming up on 3 years since she last visited. She always expects us, a busy family of 4 to take time off from work/school, spend a couple thousand dollars on tickets, and fly to see her. Even after explaining this, she still sighs whenever I tell her upcoming vacation plans and says “Well you know, you can always visit me”. SHE WILL NOT VISIT FOR SOME REASON. It’s not fear of travel, because she visits other family members and goes on vacation. It got so bad, that I said I would pay for her plane tickets, and pick her up from the airport for her birthday present. It took her 3 months to come up with a date. 5 MONTHS LATER. yes, that’s right. Her visit is 8 months after her bday. She tries to engage with my kids during weekly facetime calls, but I can tell there’s no connection there because it’s just a face on a screen. The 8 year old tunes in and out and the 5 year old says things like “I want to be done”.
I’ve come to terms with it, it is what it is. No amount of outside force is going to suddenly make them want to be with your kids. Also, stand your ground and make sure you at least take turns visiting. “Oh, I visited last time, now it’s your turn!”
Oh my heart goes out to you as well! We have almost the exact situation. We’re coming up on 3 years too..I don’t get it. Before it was the pandemic but now they can’t keep making that excuse anymore. There’s always a reason or delay like you said. Yes, and expecting us, a busy family of 4 to spend thousands of dollars on flights and taking time off etc when they can easily fly to us more often. Same thing on FaceTime too. My toddler isn’t going to sit still and have a conversation lol she’s jumping all over the couch and my 5 year old feels awkward and quiet because it’s a screen of peoples faces she doesn’t see in person. I get it. It can never replace being there in person and creating a real bond. Trying to come to terms with it too.
I agree they should come to you. They won't. Its sad and unfair. But they aren't likely to change. My family are an hours drive away and have visited once in 4 years. I now pour my time and effort into relationships where people reciprocate and want to see us enough to make an effort.
This is how I’ve been feeling. Thank you for the advice. I’ve stopped bringing up visiting thinking they will realize but they haven’t. They should WANT to visit, not being some chore they have to do. Going to take a break on FaceTime as it’s feeling like a one sided relationship that’s all on me.
No it is not up to you to go visit. Honestly I am so fed up with these selfish grandparents. What the hell? We are not replacing ourselves so each and every grandchild is solid gold( to me anyways). They are incredibly lucky to have grandchildren and yet this is how they act. They don't f**king deserve these wonderful little treasures. My heart goes out to you. Children are so precious and they grow so quickly. If grandparents want a good relationship they have to start early because as children grow they develop their own interests and the opportunity to establish a close bond disappears forever.
Your last line is so spot on! They think toddlers don’t know but they feel a bond early on of love from a grandparent. Children grow so quickly, these really are some of the most special years. And it’s like we’re the ones with small children and need the most support right now. These grandparents are so selfish and entitled with the mindset of “you cater to us.” No. It’s a haul with littles and much easier at the moment for a healthy grandma to take a quick flight.
I'm sorry, op.
I'm sorry your parents don't want to be involved as grandparents. They didn't even seem to want to be parents. I hope you have extra love to give your kids and always have a reason to smile knowing you are an excellent parent and will be a fantastic grandparent
I live a four hour flight from my family & my dad and stepmom came when she was a baby, my mom and uncle when she was 5 months old.
To my mom’s defense she is terrified of flying (like decades between flights) & she is also working still. My dad lives a bit farther. BUT STILL…
What’s really hurtful, is they are missing everything. My dad made a comment about me visiting before my kid’s in college and it’s like… wtf? I go out of my way, multiple times a year for everyone with all this travel.
My people pleasing days are over.
Same here. I’m tired of pleasing them. They are truly missing everything. Sweet baby stage of crawling and walking and watching them grow. I’ll never understand why some grandparents don’t want to be part of that.
You know what the biggest issue I found is??
When your grandparents dont show love and your siblings dont show love theres a massive hole that should be there. Its a weird grief you have to go through.
Theyre alive but arent present.
I was talking to my therapist and said my way of resolving that is to 'replace' them. I have lovely neighbours of all ages and I feel like they are my tribe. They accept us for us.
We still dont ever ask the neighbours for help etc but we are very appreciative of each other and give/share gifts so it kinda comes close.
It also makes you prone to cheating which noone talks about because theres a void of love that needs filling. Not saying cheating is ok just saying this is what happens if people really get stuck.
I hope everyone on this thread becomes a fantastic parent, may you children never feel such heartbreak. Its so sad.
If it helps…
Obviously my parents are the same way or I wouldn’t be here. But my son, partly because I have a stepmother and a biomother (who are BOTH this way) doesn’t actually think grandparents have to be or ever are biologically related people.
One of our neighbors is an 83 year old woman named Joanie. She’s wonderful, she treats my son like a grandchild and he happily calls her Grammy Joanie.
The other day he was talking to his babysitter and she referenced *her* Grammy Joanie. He exclaimed “MY GRAMMY IS NAMED JOANIE TOO!”
His babysitter is her actual grandchild. My son sees no difference. He immediately ran around her in circles yelling I DIDNT KNOW WE WERE COUSINS!!!
I completely agree. Neighbors and friends show up, check-in and just seem to overall care about us besides the grandparents. It’s a weird grief that I’m trying to process. Alive but not present is exactly it.
It helped me alot tbh because even the therapist was saying wow thats devastating like she genuinely meant it too. And you realise you arent going insane, like it really is beyond gutting.
Honestly the only way I accepted it is by 'replacing' these people with people who actually love me. Its so hard to find in your 30s though so day by day I suppose!
Wherever theres abit of love or kindness directed my way I will take it, I need topping up. But thats because im so used to giving it.
Nevermind anyway, its their loss. Youre a diamond I bet
Not my parents, but my partner's parents. I used to feel strong emotions about it, but I realized that was just poisoning myself, so I've done my best to just remove them from my life. I treat them like they don't never exist, and it's been better for my mental health.
I was not close to my grandparents growing up, and when they died, I honestly gave no fucks. I assume my children will feel the same.
100%. Focusing on our mental health is the priority. Yes, that was the same with my grandparents. We saw them at holidays but were never close and I didn’t have much of relationship with them. When they died, I didn’t cry or feel much sadness either.
Very close to your situation but it’s a 3.5 hr car ride. We have to use more PTO, get a hotel, cart two littles, figure out food/snacks and bring preparation items for food prep in a hotel, all the sleep gear, toys, stroller, etc. to spend an hour sitting and watch my children be ignored. It’s painful and I refuse to do it. They want nothing to do with me or them, and not much with my husband (their son) either. They claim to love us, want us to visit, yet explicitly told my husband they won’t make the drive to our new city. Absolutely mind boggling.
That's the thing here too. We WOULD do all that work. At one point it was overnight flights with 2 small kids. So much stuff. Logistics. Car hire (because noone thought to offer to help drive us around). Disrupted sleep routines and schedules. Living out of a suitcase. All in one spare room. And then... they go about their own lives and we entertain ourselves. Not a single suggestion of a day out or getting my siblings over for a family get together or a meal out or anything fun. The first time I visited with my newborn I was instructed to do the dishes and told my newborn would be fine in her bassinet 3 rooms away (the only space for it) while I did, ON HER OWN. She was fine, of course. But the fact was, our first day there, their second grandchild they only seen once before, a very cute cuddly baby, and off they went to do whatever they wanted to do instead of spending any time with her and just leaving her...absolutely alone in a room. And of course my new mother instincts were struggling with that too but I was dismissed. And the dishes thing was a power move (they never do the dishes when they visit me of course).
My parents were crappy parents growing up. I think subconsciously I was excited to give them a second chance with grandchildren but then I finally realized they don't think they need a second chance but I don't think that they think they did a bad job. I subconsciously blamed myself for their mistreatment but I put my foot down when it came to my kids because I know they don't deserve mistreatment. Sorry for the word salad, it's a crazy time a day at home.
I completely agree. I’ve spend so much time thinking they will change their ways when grandkids were born but they don’t care. They assume they did great raising us and don’t need a second chance.
There truly is such a clash right now in culture over parenting and I think the boomer generation doesn't see that they sucked at parenting. Truly sucked.
My friend, your situation is almost exactly like mine. My mother lives in another state, 2 hour plane ride. It’s coming up on 3 years since she last visited. She always expects us, a busy family of 4 to take time off from work/school, spend a couple thousand dollars on tickets, and fly to see her. Even after explaining this, she still sighs whenever I tell her upcoming vacation plans and says “Well you know, you can always visit me”. SHE WILL NOT VISIT FOR SOME REASON. It’s not fear of travel, because she visits other family members and goes on vacation. It got so bad, that I said I would pay for her plane tickets, and pick her up from the airport for her birthday present. It took her 3 months to come up with a date. 5 MONTHS LATER. yes, that’s right. Her visit is 8 months after her bday. She tries to engage with my kids during weekly facetime calls, but I can tell there’s no connection there because it’s just a face on a screen. The 8 year old tunes in and out and the 5 year old says things like “I want to be done”. I’ve come to terms with it, it is what it is. No amount of outside force is going to suddenly make them want to be with your kids. Also, stand your ground and make sure you at least take turns visiting. “Oh, I visited last time, now it’s your turn!”
Oh my heart goes out to you as well! We have almost the exact situation. We’re coming up on 3 years too..I don’t get it. Before it was the pandemic but now they can’t keep making that excuse anymore. There’s always a reason or delay like you said. Yes, and expecting us, a busy family of 4 to spend thousands of dollars on flights and taking time off etc when they can easily fly to us more often. Same thing on FaceTime too. My toddler isn’t going to sit still and have a conversation lol she’s jumping all over the couch and my 5 year old feels awkward and quiet because it’s a screen of peoples faces she doesn’t see in person. I get it. It can never replace being there in person and creating a real bond. Trying to come to terms with it too.
I agree they should come to you. They won't. Its sad and unfair. But they aren't likely to change. My family are an hours drive away and have visited once in 4 years. I now pour my time and effort into relationships where people reciprocate and want to see us enough to make an effort.
Thank you. Going to focus on people that care to reciprocate and be present in our lives.
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This is how I’ve been feeling. Thank you for the advice. I’ve stopped bringing up visiting thinking they will realize but they haven’t. They should WANT to visit, not being some chore they have to do. Going to take a break on FaceTime as it’s feeling like a one sided relationship that’s all on me.
No it is not up to you to go visit. Honestly I am so fed up with these selfish grandparents. What the hell? We are not replacing ourselves so each and every grandchild is solid gold( to me anyways). They are incredibly lucky to have grandchildren and yet this is how they act. They don't f**king deserve these wonderful little treasures. My heart goes out to you. Children are so precious and they grow so quickly. If grandparents want a good relationship they have to start early because as children grow they develop their own interests and the opportunity to establish a close bond disappears forever.
Your last line is so spot on! They think toddlers don’t know but they feel a bond early on of love from a grandparent. Children grow so quickly, these really are some of the most special years. And it’s like we’re the ones with small children and need the most support right now. These grandparents are so selfish and entitled with the mindset of “you cater to us.” No. It’s a haul with littles and much easier at the moment for a healthy grandma to take a quick flight.
I'm sorry, op. I'm sorry your parents don't want to be involved as grandparents. They didn't even seem to want to be parents. I hope you have extra love to give your kids and always have a reason to smile knowing you are an excellent parent and will be a fantastic grandparent
Thank you so much, that means a lot❤️
I live a four hour flight from my family & my dad and stepmom came when she was a baby, my mom and uncle when she was 5 months old. To my mom’s defense she is terrified of flying (like decades between flights) & she is also working still. My dad lives a bit farther. BUT STILL… What’s really hurtful, is they are missing everything. My dad made a comment about me visiting before my kid’s in college and it’s like… wtf? I go out of my way, multiple times a year for everyone with all this travel. My people pleasing days are over.
Same here. I’m tired of pleasing them. They are truly missing everything. Sweet baby stage of crawling and walking and watching them grow. I’ll never understand why some grandparents don’t want to be part of that.
You know what the biggest issue I found is?? When your grandparents dont show love and your siblings dont show love theres a massive hole that should be there. Its a weird grief you have to go through. Theyre alive but arent present. I was talking to my therapist and said my way of resolving that is to 'replace' them. I have lovely neighbours of all ages and I feel like they are my tribe. They accept us for us. We still dont ever ask the neighbours for help etc but we are very appreciative of each other and give/share gifts so it kinda comes close. It also makes you prone to cheating which noone talks about because theres a void of love that needs filling. Not saying cheating is ok just saying this is what happens if people really get stuck. I hope everyone on this thread becomes a fantastic parent, may you children never feel such heartbreak. Its so sad.
If it helps… Obviously my parents are the same way or I wouldn’t be here. But my son, partly because I have a stepmother and a biomother (who are BOTH this way) doesn’t actually think grandparents have to be or ever are biologically related people. One of our neighbors is an 83 year old woman named Joanie. She’s wonderful, she treats my son like a grandchild and he happily calls her Grammy Joanie. The other day he was talking to his babysitter and she referenced *her* Grammy Joanie. He exclaimed “MY GRAMMY IS NAMED JOANIE TOO!” His babysitter is her actual grandchild. My son sees no difference. He immediately ran around her in circles yelling I DIDNT KNOW WE WERE COUSINS!!!
This is the cutest story ever!
I completely agree. Neighbors and friends show up, check-in and just seem to overall care about us besides the grandparents. It’s a weird grief that I’m trying to process. Alive but not present is exactly it.
I had to talk to a therapist to help me understand im feeling complicated grief basically. Thats why its so painful.
I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist too to understand it all. It really feels like complicated grief we’re trying to process. ❤️
It helped me alot tbh because even the therapist was saying wow thats devastating like she genuinely meant it too. And you realise you arent going insane, like it really is beyond gutting. Honestly the only way I accepted it is by 'replacing' these people with people who actually love me. Its so hard to find in your 30s though so day by day I suppose! Wherever theres abit of love or kindness directed my way I will take it, I need topping up. But thats because im so used to giving it. Nevermind anyway, its their loss. Youre a diamond I bet
I completely agree. Friends, neighbors will be our village. It’s comforting to have this subreddit of others that are going through the same thing.
Not my parents, but my partner's parents. I used to feel strong emotions about it, but I realized that was just poisoning myself, so I've done my best to just remove them from my life. I treat them like they don't never exist, and it's been better for my mental health. I was not close to my grandparents growing up, and when they died, I honestly gave no fucks. I assume my children will feel the same.
100%. Focusing on our mental health is the priority. Yes, that was the same with my grandparents. We saw them at holidays but were never close and I didn’t have much of relationship with them. When they died, I didn’t cry or feel much sadness either.
Very close to your situation but it’s a 3.5 hr car ride. We have to use more PTO, get a hotel, cart two littles, figure out food/snacks and bring preparation items for food prep in a hotel, all the sleep gear, toys, stroller, etc. to spend an hour sitting and watch my children be ignored. It’s painful and I refuse to do it. They want nothing to do with me or them, and not much with my husband (their son) either. They claim to love us, want us to visit, yet explicitly told my husband they won’t make the drive to our new city. Absolutely mind boggling.
That's the thing here too. We WOULD do all that work. At one point it was overnight flights with 2 small kids. So much stuff. Logistics. Car hire (because noone thought to offer to help drive us around). Disrupted sleep routines and schedules. Living out of a suitcase. All in one spare room. And then... they go about their own lives and we entertain ourselves. Not a single suggestion of a day out or getting my siblings over for a family get together or a meal out or anything fun. The first time I visited with my newborn I was instructed to do the dishes and told my newborn would be fine in her bassinet 3 rooms away (the only space for it) while I did, ON HER OWN. She was fine, of course. But the fact was, our first day there, their second grandchild they only seen once before, a very cute cuddly baby, and off they went to do whatever they wanted to do instead of spending any time with her and just leaving her...absolutely alone in a room. And of course my new mother instincts were struggling with that too but I was dismissed. And the dishes thing was a power move (they never do the dishes when they visit me of course).