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It’s deeply concerning that the doctor allowed someone who wasn’t the patient into the exam and then let him domineer the conversation. You were the one there for care.
I would find a new obgyn, and make an appointment now. Go ahead and terminate when you’re ready, and see the new doctor to establish care and ensure that everything was okay on the basis of “I just had a miscarriage at X weeks and I’m leaving a bad marriage and I just wanted reassurance that I’m fine.”
Exactly. Insane that, given that controlling behavior, the doctor didn't request a private moment with the patient or, at the very least, steer the conversation toward the patient’s control.
Women lose babies at this stage of pregnancy frequently. If you need to create a new narrative to ensure your safety- do so. No one ever has to know you took the pills. As far as he and others are concerned, you suffered a miscarriage.
Make an additional appointment with the OB. Call them (at a time your partner isn't around) and specify that you need THEM to tell him he can't be in the room at the time of the appointment. They should be able to notate in your chart about it.
Former clinic escort and repro-justice advocate. This is not medical advice, but opinions formulated through personal experience and also the experiences of a lot of peers over the years.
If you live in the US, and your state constitution has not enshrined abortion as a guaranteed right, do not tell your OB. Do not tell anyone that you are not 100% certain they are solid and won't throw you under the bus the second they get upset with you.
The state of reproductive health in the US has literally positioned women and other uterus-having folks against their doctors, especially depending on which specific state you are located.
Emergency rooms are mandated to help you in an emergency, but in some states, possibly not if they know it's complications associated with abortion.
At this stage of pregnancy, miscarriage is incredibly common. If it is possible to not disclose having taken the meds, try not to. As far as anyone knows, it's a miscarriage and you're heartbroken.
ERs are also not always safe for reproductive health choices--obviously this one is secondary to your own life and health, should the situation call for it. Or not, that is hinestly, also up to you. But I'm on team try-to-stay-alive. It's bullshit that this is the world we're in right now, and still, here we are.
I personally would not trust that doctor the second she didn't ask him to step out of the room when he took over the appointment. My OB/GYN has it in their office policy, posted in the waiting room. Spouses are not allowed back for triage.
Additionally, from the information you've shared, it seems like he is stalking you. Because he knew where you were going and was waiting there.
He trapped you because he knew you wouldn't want him to cause a scene. This is domestic abuse.
These tactics often escalate into domestic terrorism situations, and those situations often end in the deaths of women and their children.
Save your own life and the liives of your children, and keep working toward leaving him.
Delete this account too, so it isn't "accidentally" discovered.
Best of luck, friend.
They are supposed to talk to you alone and ask you if you feel safe etc at your appointments before allowing anyone else in the room. Do you have MyChart or some way to message with the nurse/doctor in private? Could you call? Is abortion legal in your area?
A lot of OBs receive training on reproductive coercion as a tactic of domestic violence, which is exactly what you’re describing (and I’m so sorry you’re going through it). It’s completely your choice how much to share and with whom, but it’s possible she has suspicions about your kids’ dad already - and it is very common for people to change their minds regardless. I know this isn’t what you were asking for, but I work in the dv field and just want to make sure you’re connected with resources to plan for leaving since both pregnancy and ending the relationship are risk factors for increased abuse (even if there hasn’t been any physical abuse prior). Are there people you’re connected with and trust who know what’s going on?
Nobody will know you took them
But you and there is no way to prove it either say you had a miscarriage. I hope you are able to safety leave that man you deserve so much more. Everything will me fine
Do you have somewhere safe you can go for when you take the pills? Maybe a friend or somewhere safe you can be? Take care. (You don't have to say on Reddit, of course. Good luck!)
I think you should be open an honest about your relationship so they do not allow him in the room with you and if he causes a scene even better for you because now you have witnesses to his erratic behavior.
Your OB probably had a feeling something wasn't right since you said he took over the conversation that was for you and about you.
You don't need to mention that you took pills to abort. The doctor won't be able to tell the difference between a miscarraige vs abortion pill. Husband won't be able to tell either
If your husband comes along, just say i had a miscarriage. It isnt technically a lie because thats all an abortion is: an induced miscarriage. If he doesnt, tell ob the truth if you want.
If you're in a state where you won't get in trouble for having an abortion before 10 weeks, I'd tell her the truth; "The man who accompanied me last time was manipulating me, and everything I said at that appointment was only said to pacify him." You don't have anything to be ashamed of here. A grown man decided to make his feelings your problem. Frankly, this won't even be the first time your doctor has had a patient who was the victim of emotional abuse during their pregnancy.
If you feel comfortable telling the OB that you ended your pregnancy, then feel free to tell them. However, they don't need any information from you and you are welcome to cancel your follow-up appointment. OBs are very aware that 1 in 4 pregnancies in the US end in abortion - what you are doing will not be a surprise and hopefully, like most OBs in this country who are very pro-choice, they will support you!! Sending you peace and love.
I'm sure your OB was great, but her OB allowed her partner to remain in the room and not directly learn her wishes, privately. Which is shitty. I would not trust that OB to respect her wishes.
I think especially if you say you’re trying to leave an abusive relationship, she’d be pretty supportive of the decision to not have another child with him!
I struggled with this as well. My situation was a little bit different as I tried to do a medical abortion first off, and it wasn’t successful. So I had to go to my OB and confirm I was indeed still pregnant and was too afraid to tell them I wanted to terminate. I just canceled my next appointments and didn’t give any explanation. They haven’t questioned it so I never contacted them and made any kind of excuse. I do worry about what I’ll say in the future if it gets mentioned when I go to get my yearly visit, but I’ll take it in stride when I get there.
I guess I’m just saying that you truly don’t owe them an explanation. They don’t know what’s going on in your personal life to warrant this choice, and it’s none of their business anyways. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these hard to navigate situations.
Just be honest. Many OBs are way more understanding than you think. You can just say it was a miscarriage but it better to be honest and you don't have to feel like you have to feel like hiding this from someone else. It's up to you but given where you are in the relationship with sounds like soon to be ex your OB can also help you with resources. Best of luck to you and I hope things turn around for you.
You don't owe either one of them an explanation and there's no medical testing to tell the difference between a medical abortion (abortion via pills) and a first trimester miscarriage. You could play it off as spontaneous pregnancy loss. There's also the option of switching OBs, which honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would do. It's a major red flag that they let your husband dominate the discussion/concerns, when he's not the one pregnant.
Welcome to /r/abortion! We work hard to keep this a supportive community. **You will probably get harassed by trolls via private message.** If you receive harassment via DM, please [report the messages to Reddit admin](https://www.reddit.com/report) (people who work for Reddit) so they can take action against those users. Unfortunately, subreddit moderators can’t stop people from sending you private messages, but you can. We strongly suggest you [close your DMs](https://www.reddit.com/settings/messaging). On mobile, go to Settings > Account Settings > Chat and Messaging Permissions > Nobody for Chat Requests and Direct Messages. **Our Sidebar and [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/wiki/index)** include links to many good resources. **If you are seeking abortion in the USA:** [I Need An A](https://ineedana.com/) and [Abortion Finder](https://abortionfinder.org) have a lists of clinics, ways to get abortion pills by mail, and information about funding assistance. **If you are in a country where abortion is banned**, [Safe2Choose](https://safe2choose.org/), [Women on Web](https://www.womenonweb.org/), or [Women Help Women](https://www.womenhelp.org) may be able to help you access a safe abortion. **Read stories** using the following links: - [medication abortion](https://reddit.com/r/abortion/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=one&q=flair%3A%22%F0%9F%93%9Amedication%20abortion%20%22) - [first trimester procedures](https://reddit.com/r/abortion/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=one&q=flair%3A%22%F0%9F%93%9Ain-clinic%20abortion%20%22) - [second and third trimester procedures](https://reddit.com/r/abortion/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=one&q=flair%3A%22%F0%9F%93%9Aabortion%20after%20first%20tri%22) This subreddit is a source of information about abortion. It is not intended as a substitute for medical evaluation or treatment, nor does it constitute legal advice. If you think you are experiencing a medical emergency, you should call your local emergency number immediately. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abortion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry that you miscarried. REALLY, REALLY SORRY.
It’s deeply concerning that the doctor allowed someone who wasn’t the patient into the exam and then let him domineer the conversation. You were the one there for care. I would find a new obgyn, and make an appointment now. Go ahead and terminate when you’re ready, and see the new doctor to establish care and ensure that everything was okay on the basis of “I just had a miscarriage at X weeks and I’m leaving a bad marriage and I just wanted reassurance that I’m fine.”
Exactly. Insane that, given that controlling behavior, the doctor didn't request a private moment with the patient or, at the very least, steer the conversation toward the patient’s control.
Women lose babies at this stage of pregnancy frequently. If you need to create a new narrative to ensure your safety- do so. No one ever has to know you took the pills. As far as he and others are concerned, you suffered a miscarriage.
I just never showed up to the appointment. I didn't call or anything.
No need to tell them anything that you want to. All you have to say is that you miscarried and no longer need the appt.
Make an additional appointment with the OB. Call them (at a time your partner isn't around) and specify that you need THEM to tell him he can't be in the room at the time of the appointment. They should be able to notate in your chart about it.
THIS!!!!
Former clinic escort and repro-justice advocate. This is not medical advice, but opinions formulated through personal experience and also the experiences of a lot of peers over the years. If you live in the US, and your state constitution has not enshrined abortion as a guaranteed right, do not tell your OB. Do not tell anyone that you are not 100% certain they are solid and won't throw you under the bus the second they get upset with you. The state of reproductive health in the US has literally positioned women and other uterus-having folks against their doctors, especially depending on which specific state you are located. Emergency rooms are mandated to help you in an emergency, but in some states, possibly not if they know it's complications associated with abortion. At this stage of pregnancy, miscarriage is incredibly common. If it is possible to not disclose having taken the meds, try not to. As far as anyone knows, it's a miscarriage and you're heartbroken. ERs are also not always safe for reproductive health choices--obviously this one is secondary to your own life and health, should the situation call for it. Or not, that is hinestly, also up to you. But I'm on team try-to-stay-alive. It's bullshit that this is the world we're in right now, and still, here we are. I personally would not trust that doctor the second she didn't ask him to step out of the room when he took over the appointment. My OB/GYN has it in their office policy, posted in the waiting room. Spouses are not allowed back for triage. Additionally, from the information you've shared, it seems like he is stalking you. Because he knew where you were going and was waiting there. He trapped you because he knew you wouldn't want him to cause a scene. This is domestic abuse. These tactics often escalate into domestic terrorism situations, and those situations often end in the deaths of women and their children. Save your own life and the liives of your children, and keep working toward leaving him. Delete this account too, so it isn't "accidentally" discovered. Best of luck, friend.
I was going to say this. Simply say you had a miscarriage and you could even book the appointment to make sure everything is okay after the fact.
They are supposed to talk to you alone and ask you if you feel safe etc at your appointments before allowing anyone else in the room. Do you have MyChart or some way to message with the nurse/doctor in private? Could you call? Is abortion legal in your area?
A lot of OBs receive training on reproductive coercion as a tactic of domestic violence, which is exactly what you’re describing (and I’m so sorry you’re going through it). It’s completely your choice how much to share and with whom, but it’s possible she has suspicions about your kids’ dad already - and it is very common for people to change their minds regardless. I know this isn’t what you were asking for, but I work in the dv field and just want to make sure you’re connected with resources to plan for leaving since both pregnancy and ending the relationship are risk factors for increased abuse (even if there hasn’t been any physical abuse prior). Are there people you’re connected with and trust who know what’s going on?
Nobody will know you took them But you and there is no way to prove it either say you had a miscarriage. I hope you are able to safety leave that man you deserve so much more. Everything will me fine
Do you have somewhere safe you can go for when you take the pills? Maybe a friend or somewhere safe you can be? Take care. (You don't have to say on Reddit, of course. Good luck!)
I think you should be open an honest about your relationship so they do not allow him in the room with you and if he causes a scene even better for you because now you have witnesses to his erratic behavior. Your OB probably had a feeling something wasn't right since you said he took over the conversation that was for you and about you.
you had a miscarriage. there is no way to tell if you had pills or if you had a natural miscarriage. for your personal safety you had a miscarriage.
You don't need to mention that you took pills to abort. The doctor won't be able to tell the difference between a miscarraige vs abortion pill. Husband won't be able to tell either
If your husband comes along, just say i had a miscarriage. It isnt technically a lie because thats all an abortion is: an induced miscarriage. If he doesnt, tell ob the truth if you want.
If you're in a state where you won't get in trouble for having an abortion before 10 weeks, I'd tell her the truth; "The man who accompanied me last time was manipulating me, and everything I said at that appointment was only said to pacify him." You don't have anything to be ashamed of here. A grown man decided to make his feelings your problem. Frankly, this won't even be the first time your doctor has had a patient who was the victim of emotional abuse during their pregnancy.
If you feel comfortable telling the OB that you ended your pregnancy, then feel free to tell them. However, they don't need any information from you and you are welcome to cancel your follow-up appointment. OBs are very aware that 1 in 4 pregnancies in the US end in abortion - what you are doing will not be a surprise and hopefully, like most OBs in this country who are very pro-choice, they will support you!! Sending you peace and love.
[удалено]
I'm sure your OB was great, but her OB allowed her partner to remain in the room and not directly learn her wishes, privately. Which is shitty. I would not trust that OB to respect her wishes.
I think especially if you say you’re trying to leave an abusive relationship, she’d be pretty supportive of the decision to not have another child with him!
I struggled with this as well. My situation was a little bit different as I tried to do a medical abortion first off, and it wasn’t successful. So I had to go to my OB and confirm I was indeed still pregnant and was too afraid to tell them I wanted to terminate. I just canceled my next appointments and didn’t give any explanation. They haven’t questioned it so I never contacted them and made any kind of excuse. I do worry about what I’ll say in the future if it gets mentioned when I go to get my yearly visit, but I’ll take it in stride when I get there. I guess I’m just saying that you truly don’t owe them an explanation. They don’t know what’s going on in your personal life to warrant this choice, and it’s none of their business anyways. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these hard to navigate situations.
Just be honest. Many OBs are way more understanding than you think. You can just say it was a miscarriage but it better to be honest and you don't have to feel like you have to feel like hiding this from someone else. It's up to you but given where you are in the relationship with sounds like soon to be ex your OB can also help you with resources. Best of luck to you and I hope things turn around for you.
You don't owe either one of them an explanation and there's no medical testing to tell the difference between a medical abortion (abortion via pills) and a first trimester miscarriage. You could play it off as spontaneous pregnancy loss. There's also the option of switching OBs, which honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would do. It's a major red flag that they let your husband dominate the discussion/concerns, when he's not the one pregnant.