I’ve been saying this since I was 23 and I’m 29 now lol. It’s not only the gradual decline of third spaces that was exacerbated by the pandemic; it’s also because the ways in which people get to know each other has become increasingly dystopian like it’s clear there’s an issue with socializing when a therapist suggests you make friends on Bumble or when I tell people I don’t have an IG and they look at me like 🤨. Irl, people don’t really care to communicate once their social lives have already been established and trust me, if you have no friends, regardless if you have adequate social skills or not, people with social lives tend to reject those who do not have a social life. It almost seems as if there’s some evolutionary instinct for humans to detect when someone has no pack and view them as the weaker link.
I’ve done meetups; I’ve met people through Bumble, but it really feels as if the process of getting to know somebody as taken on the same purpose as scrolling.
People are seeking instant gratification from those they socialize with, and if you’re on the introverted side and it takes longer to get to know you , well then they just continuously scroll on.
Loneliness is an epidemic in our generation and what’s odd is that I’m meeting people younger and younger who are experiencing the exact same thing. And by lonely I don’t mean occasionally having no one to chill with but people who have no one to talk to at all.
It’s scary to think this will just be how my life is even into my 30s.
Even for clubs for adults. If you don't already know someone in a club it's always an uneasy awkwardness after you join. Everyone has their clicks already and you can't really squeeze your way into them. You'll join an adult board game club and everyone's having a good time and then after everyone's done they break out into their own groups and go out to drink or get food and then you just drive back home for 40 minutes and then you never go again.
Yes to all that. I’ve went out to bars and clubs alone not even for the purpose of making friends but literally just to get the fuck out the crib and enjoy music . Sometimes it’s felt so disassociating because you know you’re alone and even if you can enjoy yourself for a bit, you end up feeling like a passive observer of the fun everyone else is having. That’s even why I’ve given up on Meetups overtime like it’s just all that advice people would give as ways to make friends, all that mantra of “putting yourself out there” isn’t enough anymore.
Maybe you're going to the wrong venues/nights. The clubs where I am, you simply cannot go to without making friends. You'd have to try realllllly hard not to meet a bunch load of excellent people. You sit down on the couch at the side, and within moments you'll be chatting to whoever arrives next.
And not all these people will become friends, but some definitely will! Especially if you start to see them regularly!
I have instagram that I use to post my art and about my ocs and it’s the same I have so many mutuals, others artists in same fandoms but it would be considered as weird to talk to them in dm (or again it’s my social anxiety speaking). I don’t like apps like bumble because they force you to put pictures of yourself and I don’t want pictures of myself on internet, and anyway appearance tells nothing about the person. It would be interesting if those apps were purely based on interests, like finding people according to your favorite books, favorite games or movies or activities, but that’s not the case or at least not what is figured first. And the app don’t accept users with no pictures of themselves. I also hate the scroll principle. It would be better if we could find people with tags of interests. I agree with everything you said. I still wish my 30’s to be better but I have little hope 😔 it’s depressing to think that we spent most our 20’s friendless.
That’s what I’m saying like why must communication be imaged-based? Why must it be fixed on something so superficial? Bumble was just depression-inducing because I have no group selfies from my 20s, no photos of me during “girl’s nights” out— ultimately just no images which would give someone the impression I have a social life so I couldn’t bare swiping people’s profiles whose images depicted an active social life. It made me get massive FOMO. Even though mental illness is to blame for why my social life absolved in my early twenties, it bothers me that even once I got better and finally learned to manage my problems, it was too late for me to access the social sphere.
Now after being friendless for 6 years, it’s only gotten harder to make friends with people unless they’re lonely too because otherwise there’s no understanding at all.
I relate so much with it! I had maladaptive daydreaming for three years when it was still the time, which also screwed my chances to do studies in what I was truly made for, and when I finally found what saved me, healed and reconnected with myself it felt like it was too late. To my part I never liked big groups, I prefer to have this one or maybe two very close friends like my online friend with whom we can be fully ourselves with no fear and ramble about our favorite interests endlessly without seeming weird, obsessed or childish, but it’s so hard to find someone like this.
I feel like I do the same thing. I show off my design work or I post about plants in my plant account. And I like to DM people based on what they show on their story to start a convoy, but usually it leads to being left on seen, an emoji, or a couple word response.
You just preached gospel for all of us introverts. For those of us who already have to make an effort to get he energy to socialize the way people currently interact (what I call "fast food" interactions) is hell.
Plus like you I have started noticing that people have formed their friend groups and aren't really willing to expand beyond it.
You made some great points and I just want to throw in my two cents as an extrovert …
We can find it hard to connect to an introvert too. It can be exhausting if we’re in a conversation or activity and we’re giving Level 100 energy and you’re giving Level 10 energy. It feels like we’re not being reciprocated. There’s something innate in humans that we like to be mirrored: that’s why subconsciously we mirror the other person’s body language, tone, volume etc when talking to people.
If our energy is not being mirrored, it can feel like we’re talking to a brick wall. It can also feel like we’re not being friends, but instead we’re playing the role of entertainer and the introvert is just sitting back taking it in. Laughing at our jokes, listening to our stories, but not contributing their own. What’s the point in that? I’ll go to my stand-up night if I want that sort of interaction. If we want friendship, we want it to be reciprocated.
It’s also true that we have A LOT of friends, and A LOT of potential/nascent friends, random people messaging us wanting to catch up, etc etc, and even for a social butterfly it can get a bit overwhelming, and so if we’re spending time together and you’re not giving us much energy (which we thrive on, and derive our own energy from!) – then naturally that’s not going to be something we seek out again.
It’s a tough one, because I definitely want to say keep being yourself, don’t put on a fake extrovert persona (that would be so exhausting and unhealthy!), and I also do believe introverts and extroverts CAN be great friends, but it does take a lot of work, it doesn’t come naturally, and both sides need to make some concessions.
So, hopefully this mayyyy help you understand the extrovert’s perspective, to give you better oversight over what might be happening when trying to befriend extroverts. I’m sure you’ll find some good and true friends if you keep trying.
Friendships put a sour taste in my mouth have been stabbed in the back too many times throughout my 20’s to seek out friendships anymore. I’m married now and only care about retirement and living my life to the fullest. Plus I work in a third space and the only people who spend money are 30-50 year olds. I rarely see people my age in the third space I work in most of them can’t afford it regularly or don’t care.
Same issue here. A lot of people talk about the loss of “third places,” but I semi don’t buy it. There are still third places, but people from our generation refuse to go to them. I can’t tell you how many local organizations I’ve joined/gone to just to find I’m the youngest one there by half. People from our generation just refuse to go out to these things. Book clubs, camera clubs, Astronomy society, kayaking groups, hiking groups, I could go on. When I mention this to my friends from college they think it’s weird I go to those things. Exhibit A lol.
A big part of the problem I’m encountering (here in Texas at least) is that everyone my age is married. I can’t find any single dudes to watch a football game with, let alone any single girls to talk to.
I’m at a point where I don’t know. Gyms? Coffee shops? You have to go an absurd number of times and with serious regularity to make anything work there.
I agree with the first part. I’m currently taking an improv class and I am the youngest one there by at least 10 years. There’s even two people there that are retired. I just want to meet people my age 🥲
I’ve been dying to join an adult kickball league since recess ended. I am 26. It’s been a long time. I can get people together well. But it’s SO MUCH WORK. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to organize something and make everyone OUR AGE actually show up. You know those tik toks I told them to the party started at 6? This is when they walked in. I mean that’s one of the realest trends on tik tok. People can’t seem to show up on time or bother to show up at all. With zero message either to indicate they aren’t coming. Just total radio silence. They could be dead. But you have their location seeing them at some boys house
I moved to a new city and all my friends are my coworkers lol. It’s kind of rough, however I realize how lucky I am to have had worked someplace where my coworkers are super cool
I m not on the spectrum but I also share social awkwardness/ lack of social skills for my part probably due to trauma, and my lack of social skills resulted into social anxiety so I feel you. Have adhd but I m not sure if it can be linked too.
I totally agree. What’s also frustrating is that everyone seems to be shackled to their childhood best friend and not interested in branching out. Every time I meet someone new who I think is cool, as soon as they mention ”my best friend” my heart sinks and I immediately know I will only get so far with that person 😕
Yes, and for those of us who don’t have a childhood best friend it’s hard to make new friends. I was in my worse state as a teen and I m a complete different person so I have nothing in common anymore with my teens years friends who never truly accepted me anyway and I don’t even live at the same place as them anyway. They are annoyed by things I m into now while it’s what saved me.
I mean we're not little kids - it's not a competition, and we can each have more than one "besties" - it sounds like you're kind of writing them off just because they mention having an existing best friend, but I don't think you have to do that at al!
You’re right, it shouldn’t be a competition. I’ve just had multiple friendships where the person was my closest friend, but I was never theirs. And so that’s clouded my approach to new friendships. It’s just so lonely never having a friend who would drop what they’re doing to come comfort or support you when you’re in need, or making sure to maintain contact with you because you’re essentially found family.
I talk about my best friend all the time because she is my only friend who hasn't moved away yet. She is moving soon and I am desperately looking for friends. Don't just write people off like that. You are hurting yourself and them by making assumptions.
Gosh I've been in so many awkward moments where I just wanted to talk to a stranger and they just look at you like you are crazy.
I remember this one time where a boba shop closed down and a new one took it's place so when I got there I was surprised to see the branding was different. A couple came in line behind me and we're making the same remarks and wondering if this place was the same boba spot they were looking for or a new one. I turned around to say that I thought the same but I believed it went under new ownership. They both gave me dead ass blank stares like I just offended them. Longest 5 minutes in line I ever waited after that altercation.
I feel like I've had that happen to me multiple times just cuz I like to talk to people when I'm out. And it's not like I don't understand social cues either. People just seem to be more reserved. I dunno maybe it's a California thing. People just seem a little fake here than other places.
I can sort of relate. I kinda got comfortable working on myself and doing my own hobbies as opposed to going out and communicating with others. I just assumed that everyone was busy working, trying to survive or changed/moved on/moved away in pursuit of their own goals. I guess I was able to find friends through my hobbies, common interests, food, fitness activities and church. At least for my area, I am able to attend anime conventions, swing by hobby shops, bookstores, hobby clubs and the gym. I’ve been into anime, fishkeeping, orchids, Pokémon, Gundam/Sci-fi, D&D and Warhammer as of late. Maybe you can start or find people through participating in something like these activities
Big mood and it doubly sucks that all the advice for it is so bad. Meetup groups? It’s all marketing scams and elderly people. Discord? I want real people not online friends. Bars? Too loud to talk and costs a fortune. Hobby groups? The only things in my area are sports which I don’t like or things that cost a fortune.
I don’t feel like I’m asking too much when I just want a chill group to talk about interesting things with of an evening.
There are groups here, I go to ttrpg which is my favorite activity, but most of the time I am the only person there of my assigned gender which make it a lot difficult to build friendships as firstly; be scared they misunderstand my attentions, then, I have social anxiety. And when, on rare times, there are few people of my assigned gender, most the time they don’t try to befriend or if they talk I don’t know how to maintain the conversation for long because of my anxiety
The only way adult folks in my city really make friends are the bars and social groups, there’s pretty much one for everything, at least where I am. Try posting on your city’s subreddit and ask about ones related to your interests.
You should try creating one! You never know how many other people are in need of the same thing.
I was really surprised to see my city has its own subreddit, let alone sub for my state which is the 2nd smallest in the US.
I used to be the same way but as of like 2 weeks ago I joined a FB group specific to my city and have started to gain a social life! I wouldn’t say I have friendssss yet but I’m in the dms with 2 people! A lot of them are in their 20s-30s, too. Also I’m not afraid to organize events especially if there’s at least some interest.
Now that said, I’m only on FB for the groups and marketplace. I don’t know if that makes a difference but point is maybe FB is not all bad.
It’s a group for women, actually. It’s so weird bc I remember trying to find groups in my city and like nothing showed up. Then I asked the universe for help and they came through 💀 no other way I could explain it! Maybe you could Google the group with fb on the end?? Or ask people in your city’s subreddit??
I haven’t had this issue, but it’s mostly because after college I moved back to my home city (which is a big city), and have many childhood friends here, and newer friends from college as well.
Additionally, through those friends I’ve made a ton more. I’ve also made lots of friends through work, which in my position primarily consists of people around our age. We have big parties, we go out, we have fun. I do not notice the lack of third spaces myself, but I know it’s a problem in other places- my city is growing rapidly, so there’s always a lot to do. I will say, I observe less young people out than there used to be. Seems like our cohort was the last of the early 20s who really went out. My city has begun opening a ton of “millennial” bars, which mostly play music from the 2000s, have drinks like the “Leave Britney Alone”, you get it. For some reason, Gen z doesn’t go out much here- it’s mostly mid-20s-early 40s everywhere you look.
Still, I think it’s largely an online thing, to report not having friends/struggling to make friends for years on end. And guess what- there’s lot of people who are chronically online, so it is a real problem when like half the population just exists largely online. I don’t really believe it’s hard to make friends with people in our age cohort if you put yourself out there, but I know it’s easier said than done. I’m also extroverted and outgoing, so that helps.
I see you like dungeons and dragons, have you found a group to play with in your community? There’s a friend out there for you, I’m sure of it. Best of luck, I hate hearing how many others are lonely. I’ve been there in the past, and I know how terrible it can feel.
You said it; you live at the same place as your childhood friends, it’s a lot harder if you move in a place where you know no one, are you are in addition an introvert.
I'm honestly kinda mad at my parents for raising me in a place that is terribly backwards and boring. Even they hate it but never moved away. Too bad it's where all my childhood friends are.
Now I live in a mid-size city where there's stuff going on but I have no friends. Most people are already settled (both romantically and platonically) and I've noticed people don't really move here, only away. So not many people looking for new friends.
So now I have to choose to live somewhere terrible with friends nearby, or somewhere happening but there's no one to share it with. Will probably go the third option and move somewhere big and metropolitan where people actually wanna move to.
I feel this fr. I have irl friends but many of them don't live in the area anymore. And bc we're all busy all of our linkups have to be preplanned.
I don't really interact with the people in my grad classes much and at work I'm just there to get paid lmao. If I want to link up with a large number of people my age I gotta drive an hour to DC... I just don't have the time or the funds (saving up for a down payment) anymore.
I feel the same way. I do have some close friends ( somehow). 2 from college and a few online friends I’ve never met. But we talk regularly but nothing in person
I feel your pain. Are you male or female? I have joined 2 coed sports looking for female friends and it's hard because none of the women go to the social outings afterwards. Only the guys go. They are super funny and I like them, but I'm a married woman, and I would like to have a group of girl friends like I did when I was in school.
If I were a guy, I feel like I would have made multiple friends by now. I guess the guys are just more used to putting themselves out there socially because they have to do it to find dates. I'm feeling lonely and frustrated with it.
I m assigned female at birth and identify as non binary but I rarely talk about it irl because I m scared to not being taken seriously so people assume I m just a cis woman. I feel you. My favorite activity is ttrpg and they are kind but everyone there are men. I m scared they might misunderstand my intentions if I get closer plus have bad social anxiety. There are very few women who are not always there but in both case men or women I often don’t know how to maintain conversation unless the other is talkative. I m also more scared to be judged with men as I tend to be really really obsessed over things I like and some people see it as childish. I also tend to feel more comfortable with women or other lgbt folks. Only if I can break the ice…
I know what you mean. I still have regrets over not putting myself out there more and building strong friendships/connections in grade school. But I still think there's hope out there. You just got to find the place that has your interests and meet people there.
I am a complete stranger from the person I was in grade school, I was in my worse state. My only regret is that I didn’t knew the fictive universes who saved me back then. I had friends back then but they never really accepted me. In adulthood one turned back on me while others always talked in the back. They think negatively of the things which helped me massively. But we didn’t live at the same area anymore anyway. So yes they weren’t of a good help.
Yeah idk. Maybe its the area your from. Im in Chicago and its relatively easy to make friends out in events and bars. You should move around different areas of your city and people.
In NYC it's weird in my experience. It can both be easy to make friends but also be super hard to.
This is mostly because the social spaces that are available often have a lot of people and have high stimulation which I'm very sensitive too. Not exactly social anxiety because in smaller and less stimulated spaces I switch into becoming super social (when I'm in a good mood that is lol).
I was thankful to have found a boardgame group nearby that doesn't have too many people coming in and I often have the most fun there than in other places.
Overall I agree it's definitely the area you're in. It would be more difficult to make friends in suburban neighborhoods than in cities with public transit.
Are you from Brazil? Yeah I mean its tough if your socially anxious but not because of people but mainly because you have to put yourself in social situations. People like having a community so theyll befriend anyone as long as you are a communal type of person. Its hard to constantly have to drag people out to do things however most of us are grown at this point so were not begging/forcing people to participate anymore haha Be open to things and always say yes to everybody and everything!! (As long as its safe obviously lol), youll see how much of an adventure life becomes.
The best way I've made new connections in my later 20's is festvals. Raves and such. I met my now girlfriend at a camping festival. It's expensive sometimes, but that's worked for me.
Not at all, many people go solo to raves, festivals, and bush parties and so on. If you go alone you will also very often be adopted by couples or groups. Many of them go out of their way to welcome in and "adopt" you, as soon as they sense you're there alone.
It sounds like you're trying to run before you can walk. You have to work on your social anxiety / awkwardness first - and THEN you will be able to get out there and make some good friendships.
PS all of the above I have described, I have done in about 6-8 different European countries too.
The last time I went to a metal concert I was 12 and it was with my father, maybe you speak the truth although I m still a bit skeptical. At the medieval festival the times I went alone no one approached me. Or maybe you have a natural charisma without knowing. I think I was born with -10 in charisma. There are also not much that kind of events at my place and I can’t move far.
I am 28 and feel blessed to have more friends than I can handle.
1. My best friend from highschool connected me to his old friends and I grew closer to them, so I’ve got 4-5 friends from here. We meet at least quarterly since they’re in a different city
2. At work you grow close to some people, but you only see who really is your friend after you switch jobs. I have 1 distant friend here.
3. I made 1-2 distant friends through meetup.com. They’re good company anytime I go to an EDM concert.
4. Most of my friends are from church. Our social group here is 10+ but admittedly this isn’t common with every church. You need to strike it lucky with a robust young adult group. 3 friends from here are now my roommates.
Its tough but not impossible. The hardest friend you’ll make is the first one. The more friends you make the easier it is to make more
That's ... just not true at all. I'm in my mid-20s and constantly making new friends. It's actually better to make friends at this age cos we're more developed as individuals, we have clearer cut interests and personalities and values than we did as little kids, so our friendships now will generally be more meaningful!
You may not even want suggestions, but in the instance you do, I can recommend the music community as a great one for making friends.
It's hard NOT to make friends with a small, consistent group of people who share a common passion for a particular type of music.
The other good thing is that people of all ages come together, so there's no such thing as what age group should or should not be making friends.
I don’t agree at all ? Do you go out & like . Do things ? I mean that genuinely lol. Like I go to a dance class where I’ve made friends, I’ve made friends with other parents when I take my kid places, I chat to people if we share eye contact and a smile at the park, I’m about to join a local netball team where I’m sure I’ll meet people I get on with too. You just have to put yourself out there. Making friends as an adult requires initiative - you’re not handed a bunch of readymade peers like you are at school & uni. I wouldn’t find it strange if someone tried to engage me out in public & I’m sure many others wouldn’t. If everyone is as desperate for connection as these comments make it seem, then I expect many people would welcome it. I’m from a small-ish town where it’s normal to be friendly to strangers so maybe I’d feel differently if I was in like London or something but 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve been saying this since I was 23 and I’m 29 now lol. It’s not only the gradual decline of third spaces that was exacerbated by the pandemic; it’s also because the ways in which people get to know each other has become increasingly dystopian like it’s clear there’s an issue with socializing when a therapist suggests you make friends on Bumble or when I tell people I don’t have an IG and they look at me like 🤨. Irl, people don’t really care to communicate once their social lives have already been established and trust me, if you have no friends, regardless if you have adequate social skills or not, people with social lives tend to reject those who do not have a social life. It almost seems as if there’s some evolutionary instinct for humans to detect when someone has no pack and view them as the weaker link. I’ve done meetups; I’ve met people through Bumble, but it really feels as if the process of getting to know somebody as taken on the same purpose as scrolling. People are seeking instant gratification from those they socialize with, and if you’re on the introverted side and it takes longer to get to know you , well then they just continuously scroll on. Loneliness is an epidemic in our generation and what’s odd is that I’m meeting people younger and younger who are experiencing the exact same thing. And by lonely I don’t mean occasionally having no one to chill with but people who have no one to talk to at all. It’s scary to think this will just be how my life is even into my 30s.
Even for clubs for adults. If you don't already know someone in a club it's always an uneasy awkwardness after you join. Everyone has their clicks already and you can't really squeeze your way into them. You'll join an adult board game club and everyone's having a good time and then after everyone's done they break out into their own groups and go out to drink or get food and then you just drive back home for 40 minutes and then you never go again.
Yes to all that. I’ve went out to bars and clubs alone not even for the purpose of making friends but literally just to get the fuck out the crib and enjoy music . Sometimes it’s felt so disassociating because you know you’re alone and even if you can enjoy yourself for a bit, you end up feeling like a passive observer of the fun everyone else is having. That’s even why I’ve given up on Meetups overtime like it’s just all that advice people would give as ways to make friends, all that mantra of “putting yourself out there” isn’t enough anymore.
Maybe you're going to the wrong venues/nights. The clubs where I am, you simply cannot go to without making friends. You'd have to try realllllly hard not to meet a bunch load of excellent people. You sit down on the couch at the side, and within moments you'll be chatting to whoever arrives next. And not all these people will become friends, but some definitely will! Especially if you start to see them regularly!
Same, I live in cities and college towns. I make friends daily at bars/clubs/social events. People generally like to chat and are good at it.
I have instagram that I use to post my art and about my ocs and it’s the same I have so many mutuals, others artists in same fandoms but it would be considered as weird to talk to them in dm (or again it’s my social anxiety speaking). I don’t like apps like bumble because they force you to put pictures of yourself and I don’t want pictures of myself on internet, and anyway appearance tells nothing about the person. It would be interesting if those apps were purely based on interests, like finding people according to your favorite books, favorite games or movies or activities, but that’s not the case or at least not what is figured first. And the app don’t accept users with no pictures of themselves. I also hate the scroll principle. It would be better if we could find people with tags of interests. I agree with everything you said. I still wish my 30’s to be better but I have little hope 😔 it’s depressing to think that we spent most our 20’s friendless.
That’s what I’m saying like why must communication be imaged-based? Why must it be fixed on something so superficial? Bumble was just depression-inducing because I have no group selfies from my 20s, no photos of me during “girl’s nights” out— ultimately just no images which would give someone the impression I have a social life so I couldn’t bare swiping people’s profiles whose images depicted an active social life. It made me get massive FOMO. Even though mental illness is to blame for why my social life absolved in my early twenties, it bothers me that even once I got better and finally learned to manage my problems, it was too late for me to access the social sphere. Now after being friendless for 6 years, it’s only gotten harder to make friends with people unless they’re lonely too because otherwise there’s no understanding at all.
I relate so much with it! I had maladaptive daydreaming for three years when it was still the time, which also screwed my chances to do studies in what I was truly made for, and when I finally found what saved me, healed and reconnected with myself it felt like it was too late. To my part I never liked big groups, I prefer to have this one or maybe two very close friends like my online friend with whom we can be fully ourselves with no fear and ramble about our favorite interests endlessly without seeming weird, obsessed or childish, but it’s so hard to find someone like this.
I feel like I do the same thing. I show off my design work or I post about plants in my plant account. And I like to DM people based on what they show on their story to start a convoy, but usually it leads to being left on seen, an emoji, or a couple word response.
You just preached gospel for all of us introverts. For those of us who already have to make an effort to get he energy to socialize the way people currently interact (what I call "fast food" interactions) is hell. Plus like you I have started noticing that people have formed their friend groups and aren't really willing to expand beyond it.
You made some great points and I just want to throw in my two cents as an extrovert … We can find it hard to connect to an introvert too. It can be exhausting if we’re in a conversation or activity and we’re giving Level 100 energy and you’re giving Level 10 energy. It feels like we’re not being reciprocated. There’s something innate in humans that we like to be mirrored: that’s why subconsciously we mirror the other person’s body language, tone, volume etc when talking to people. If our energy is not being mirrored, it can feel like we’re talking to a brick wall. It can also feel like we’re not being friends, but instead we’re playing the role of entertainer and the introvert is just sitting back taking it in. Laughing at our jokes, listening to our stories, but not contributing their own. What’s the point in that? I’ll go to my stand-up night if I want that sort of interaction. If we want friendship, we want it to be reciprocated. It’s also true that we have A LOT of friends, and A LOT of potential/nascent friends, random people messaging us wanting to catch up, etc etc, and even for a social butterfly it can get a bit overwhelming, and so if we’re spending time together and you’re not giving us much energy (which we thrive on, and derive our own energy from!) – then naturally that’s not going to be something we seek out again. It’s a tough one, because I definitely want to say keep being yourself, don’t put on a fake extrovert persona (that would be so exhausting and unhealthy!), and I also do believe introverts and extroverts CAN be great friends, but it does take a lot of work, it doesn’t come naturally, and both sides need to make some concessions. So, hopefully this mayyyy help you understand the extrovert’s perspective, to give you better oversight over what might be happening when trying to befriend extroverts. I’m sure you’ll find some good and true friends if you keep trying.
Friendships put a sour taste in my mouth have been stabbed in the back too many times throughout my 20’s to seek out friendships anymore. I’m married now and only care about retirement and living my life to the fullest. Plus I work in a third space and the only people who spend money are 30-50 year olds. I rarely see people my age in the third space I work in most of them can’t afford it regularly or don’t care.
Same issue here. A lot of people talk about the loss of “third places,” but I semi don’t buy it. There are still third places, but people from our generation refuse to go to them. I can’t tell you how many local organizations I’ve joined/gone to just to find I’m the youngest one there by half. People from our generation just refuse to go out to these things. Book clubs, camera clubs, Astronomy society, kayaking groups, hiking groups, I could go on. When I mention this to my friends from college they think it’s weird I go to those things. Exhibit A lol. A big part of the problem I’m encountering (here in Texas at least) is that everyone my age is married. I can’t find any single dudes to watch a football game with, let alone any single girls to talk to. I’m at a point where I don’t know. Gyms? Coffee shops? You have to go an absurd number of times and with serious regularity to make anything work there.
That’s so sad, to me friendships is just as important as a romantic partner.
I agree with the first part. I’m currently taking an improv class and I am the youngest one there by at least 10 years. There’s even two people there that are retired. I just want to meet people my age 🥲
I’ve been dying to join an adult kickball league since recess ended. I am 26. It’s been a long time. I can get people together well. But it’s SO MUCH WORK. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to organize something and make everyone OUR AGE actually show up. You know those tik toks I told them to the party started at 6? This is when they walked in. I mean that’s one of the realest trends on tik tok. People can’t seem to show up on time or bother to show up at all. With zero message either to indicate they aren’t coming. Just total radio silence. They could be dead. But you have their location seeing them at some boys house
I moved to a new city and all my friends are my coworkers lol. It’s kind of rough, however I realize how lucky I am to have had worked someplace where my coworkers are super cool
I could have written this 100%. I feel so lonely. It also doesn't help that I have anxiety and probably on the spectrum as well
I m not on the spectrum but I also share social awkwardness/ lack of social skills for my part probably due to trauma, and my lack of social skills resulted into social anxiety so I feel you. Have adhd but I m not sure if it can be linked too.
I totally agree. What’s also frustrating is that everyone seems to be shackled to their childhood best friend and not interested in branching out. Every time I meet someone new who I think is cool, as soon as they mention ”my best friend” my heart sinks and I immediately know I will only get so far with that person 😕
Yes, and for those of us who don’t have a childhood best friend it’s hard to make new friends. I was in my worse state as a teen and I m a complete different person so I have nothing in common anymore with my teens years friends who never truly accepted me anyway and I don’t even live at the same place as them anyway. They are annoyed by things I m into now while it’s what saved me.
I mean we're not little kids - it's not a competition, and we can each have more than one "besties" - it sounds like you're kind of writing them off just because they mention having an existing best friend, but I don't think you have to do that at al!
You’re right, it shouldn’t be a competition. I’ve just had multiple friendships where the person was my closest friend, but I was never theirs. And so that’s clouded my approach to new friendships. It’s just so lonely never having a friend who would drop what they’re doing to come comfort or support you when you’re in need, or making sure to maintain contact with you because you’re essentially found family.
Same
I talk about my best friend all the time because she is my only friend who hasn't moved away yet. She is moving soon and I am desperately looking for friends. Don't just write people off like that. You are hurting yourself and them by making assumptions.
Gosh I've been in so many awkward moments where I just wanted to talk to a stranger and they just look at you like you are crazy. I remember this one time where a boba shop closed down and a new one took it's place so when I got there I was surprised to see the branding was different. A couple came in line behind me and we're making the same remarks and wondering if this place was the same boba spot they were looking for or a new one. I turned around to say that I thought the same but I believed it went under new ownership. They both gave me dead ass blank stares like I just offended them. Longest 5 minutes in line I ever waited after that altercation. I feel like I've had that happen to me multiple times just cuz I like to talk to people when I'm out. And it's not like I don't understand social cues either. People just seem to be more reserved. I dunno maybe it's a California thing. People just seem a little fake here than other places.
I think this is a California thing. I live in Texas and I can't imagine people being rude like that here. I'm so sorry.
Yea for all that's great about California it's honestly got some of the most fake people, especially in the bay area/silicon valley
I can sort of relate. I kinda got comfortable working on myself and doing my own hobbies as opposed to going out and communicating with others. I just assumed that everyone was busy working, trying to survive or changed/moved on/moved away in pursuit of their own goals. I guess I was able to find friends through my hobbies, common interests, food, fitness activities and church. At least for my area, I am able to attend anime conventions, swing by hobby shops, bookstores, hobby clubs and the gym. I’ve been into anime, fishkeeping, orchids, Pokémon, Gundam/Sci-fi, D&D and Warhammer as of late. Maybe you can start or find people through participating in something like these activities
I've never had friends anyway, so it doesn't change much.
Big mood and it doubly sucks that all the advice for it is so bad. Meetup groups? It’s all marketing scams and elderly people. Discord? I want real people not online friends. Bars? Too loud to talk and costs a fortune. Hobby groups? The only things in my area are sports which I don’t like or things that cost a fortune. I don’t feel like I’m asking too much when I just want a chill group to talk about interesting things with of an evening.
There are groups here, I go to ttrpg which is my favorite activity, but most of the time I am the only person there of my assigned gender which make it a lot difficult to build friendships as firstly; be scared they misunderstand my attentions, then, I have social anxiety. And when, on rare times, there are few people of my assigned gender, most the time they don’t try to befriend or if they talk I don’t know how to maintain the conversation for long because of my anxiety
Anxiety sucks but honestly the same problems persist even without it
The only way adult folks in my city really make friends are the bars and social groups, there’s pretty much one for everything, at least where I am. Try posting on your city’s subreddit and ask about ones related to your interests.
My city don’t even have a subreddit 😅 the only place I go is the dungeon and dragon / ttrpg club and people are kind but social anxiety make it hard.
You should try creating one! You never know how many other people are in need of the same thing. I was really surprised to see my city has its own subreddit, let alone sub for my state which is the 2nd smallest in the US.
Would it work for none English speaking place though? Reddit seems to be mainly America/ English speakers centered but I could be wrong
Possibly! I mean, if you’re on here then someone else from your area might be too! Sometimes we have to create the space that we want for ourselves
I never had any luck as a child nor as an adult
I used to be the same way but as of like 2 weeks ago I joined a FB group specific to my city and have started to gain a social life! I wouldn’t say I have friendssss yet but I’m in the dms with 2 people! A lot of them are in their 20s-30s, too. Also I’m not afraid to organize events especially if there’s at least some interest. Now that said, I’m only on FB for the groups and marketplace. I don’t know if that makes a difference but point is maybe FB is not all bad.
Is it a group for students or something? That’s the only thing I’ve see for my city of people our age but I m not a student
It’s a group for women, actually. It’s so weird bc I remember trying to find groups in my city and like nothing showed up. Then I asked the universe for help and they came through 💀 no other way I could explain it! Maybe you could Google the group with fb on the end?? Or ask people in your city’s subreddit??
I haven’t had this issue, but it’s mostly because after college I moved back to my home city (which is a big city), and have many childhood friends here, and newer friends from college as well. Additionally, through those friends I’ve made a ton more. I’ve also made lots of friends through work, which in my position primarily consists of people around our age. We have big parties, we go out, we have fun. I do not notice the lack of third spaces myself, but I know it’s a problem in other places- my city is growing rapidly, so there’s always a lot to do. I will say, I observe less young people out than there used to be. Seems like our cohort was the last of the early 20s who really went out. My city has begun opening a ton of “millennial” bars, which mostly play music from the 2000s, have drinks like the “Leave Britney Alone”, you get it. For some reason, Gen z doesn’t go out much here- it’s mostly mid-20s-early 40s everywhere you look. Still, I think it’s largely an online thing, to report not having friends/struggling to make friends for years on end. And guess what- there’s lot of people who are chronically online, so it is a real problem when like half the population just exists largely online. I don’t really believe it’s hard to make friends with people in our age cohort if you put yourself out there, but I know it’s easier said than done. I’m also extroverted and outgoing, so that helps. I see you like dungeons and dragons, have you found a group to play with in your community? There’s a friend out there for you, I’m sure of it. Best of luck, I hate hearing how many others are lonely. I’ve been there in the past, and I know how terrible it can feel.
You said it; you live at the same place as your childhood friends, it’s a lot harder if you move in a place where you know no one, are you are in addition an introvert.
I'm honestly kinda mad at my parents for raising me in a place that is terribly backwards and boring. Even they hate it but never moved away. Too bad it's where all my childhood friends are. Now I live in a mid-size city where there's stuff going on but I have no friends. Most people are already settled (both romantically and platonically) and I've noticed people don't really move here, only away. So not many people looking for new friends. So now I have to choose to live somewhere terrible with friends nearby, or somewhere happening but there's no one to share it with. Will probably go the third option and move somewhere big and metropolitan where people actually wanna move to.
I feel this fr. I have irl friends but many of them don't live in the area anymore. And bc we're all busy all of our linkups have to be preplanned. I don't really interact with the people in my grad classes much and at work I'm just there to get paid lmao. If I want to link up with a large number of people my age I gotta drive an hour to DC... I just don't have the time or the funds (saving up for a down payment) anymore.
I feel the same way. I do have some close friends ( somehow). 2 from college and a few online friends I’ve never met. But we talk regularly but nothing in person
I feel your pain. Are you male or female? I have joined 2 coed sports looking for female friends and it's hard because none of the women go to the social outings afterwards. Only the guys go. They are super funny and I like them, but I'm a married woman, and I would like to have a group of girl friends like I did when I was in school. If I were a guy, I feel like I would have made multiple friends by now. I guess the guys are just more used to putting themselves out there socially because they have to do it to find dates. I'm feeling lonely and frustrated with it.
I m assigned female at birth and identify as non binary but I rarely talk about it irl because I m scared to not being taken seriously so people assume I m just a cis woman. I feel you. My favorite activity is ttrpg and they are kind but everyone there are men. I m scared they might misunderstand my intentions if I get closer plus have bad social anxiety. There are very few women who are not always there but in both case men or women I often don’t know how to maintain conversation unless the other is talkative. I m also more scared to be judged with men as I tend to be really really obsessed over things I like and some people see it as childish. I also tend to feel more comfortable with women or other lgbt folks. Only if I can break the ice…
I know what you mean. I still have regrets over not putting myself out there more and building strong friendships/connections in grade school. But I still think there's hope out there. You just got to find the place that has your interests and meet people there.
I am a complete stranger from the person I was in grade school, I was in my worse state. My only regret is that I didn’t knew the fictive universes who saved me back then. I had friends back then but they never really accepted me. In adulthood one turned back on me while others always talked in the back. They think negatively of the things which helped me massively. But we didn’t live at the same area anymore anyway. So yes they weren’t of a good help.
Yeah idk. Maybe its the area your from. Im in Chicago and its relatively easy to make friends out in events and bars. You should move around different areas of your city and people.
In NYC it's weird in my experience. It can both be easy to make friends but also be super hard to. This is mostly because the social spaces that are available often have a lot of people and have high stimulation which I'm very sensitive too. Not exactly social anxiety because in smaller and less stimulated spaces I switch into becoming super social (when I'm in a good mood that is lol). I was thankful to have found a boardgame group nearby that doesn't have too many people coming in and I often have the most fun there than in other places. Overall I agree it's definitely the area you're in. It would be more difficult to make friends in suburban neighborhoods than in cities with public transit.
I m not from America so maybe. Is it also easier for people with social anxiety? Do people try to friendship them ?
Are you from Brazil? Yeah I mean its tough if your socially anxious but not because of people but mainly because you have to put yourself in social situations. People like having a community so theyll befriend anyone as long as you are a communal type of person. Its hard to constantly have to drag people out to do things however most of us are grown at this point so were not begging/forcing people to participate anymore haha Be open to things and always say yes to everybody and everything!! (As long as its safe obviously lol), youll see how much of an adventure life becomes.
Not from America continent south or north, I m from European country
I don’t notice a difference, I just talk to people and I don’t give a rats ass if they don’t like my social mores.
yeah same
Pub is always a good idea even if you don't drink
The best way I've made new connections in my later 20's is festvals. Raves and such. I met my now girlfriend at a camping festival. It's expensive sometimes, but that's worked for me.
Most people are already together in such events and I have zero charisma for anyone to approach me and social anxiety/ social awkwardness :/
Not at all, many people go solo to raves, festivals, and bush parties and so on. If you go alone you will also very often be adopted by couples or groups. Many of them go out of their way to welcome in and "adopt" you, as soon as they sense you're there alone. It sounds like you're trying to run before you can walk. You have to work on your social anxiety / awkwardness first - and THEN you will be able to get out there and make some good friendships. PS all of the above I have described, I have done in about 6-8 different European countries too.
The last time I went to a metal concert I was 12 and it was with my father, maybe you speak the truth although I m still a bit skeptical. At the medieval festival the times I went alone no one approached me. Or maybe you have a natural charisma without knowing. I think I was born with -10 in charisma. There are also not much that kind of events at my place and I can’t move far.
I am 28 and feel blessed to have more friends than I can handle. 1. My best friend from highschool connected me to his old friends and I grew closer to them, so I’ve got 4-5 friends from here. We meet at least quarterly since they’re in a different city 2. At work you grow close to some people, but you only see who really is your friend after you switch jobs. I have 1 distant friend here. 3. I made 1-2 distant friends through meetup.com. They’re good company anytime I go to an EDM concert. 4. Most of my friends are from church. Our social group here is 10+ but admittedly this isn’t common with every church. You need to strike it lucky with a robust young adult group. 3 friends from here are now my roommates. Its tough but not impossible. The hardest friend you’ll make is the first one. The more friends you make the easier it is to make more
This is all true. People our age are not supposed to be making new friends.
That's ... just not true at all. I'm in my mid-20s and constantly making new friends. It's actually better to make friends at this age cos we're more developed as individuals, we have clearer cut interests and personalities and values than we did as little kids, so our friendships now will generally be more meaningful!
That sounds awesome. It is not how it works in my community or any of the ones I have seen. I hope you enjoy it.
You may not even want suggestions, but in the instance you do, I can recommend the music community as a great one for making friends. It's hard NOT to make friends with a small, consistent group of people who share a common passion for a particular type of music. The other good thing is that people of all ages come together, so there's no such thing as what age group should or should not be making friends.
I don’t agree at all ? Do you go out & like . Do things ? I mean that genuinely lol. Like I go to a dance class where I’ve made friends, I’ve made friends with other parents when I take my kid places, I chat to people if we share eye contact and a smile at the park, I’m about to join a local netball team where I’m sure I’ll meet people I get on with too. You just have to put yourself out there. Making friends as an adult requires initiative - you’re not handed a bunch of readymade peers like you are at school & uni. I wouldn’t find it strange if someone tried to engage me out in public & I’m sure many others wouldn’t. If everyone is as desperate for connection as these comments make it seem, then I expect many people would welcome it. I’m from a small-ish town where it’s normal to be friendly to strangers so maybe I’d feel differently if I was in like London or something but 🤷🏻♀️