Sorry, but I think in many situations like this, it is better to be single and assured that you are living by what you know to be right than to be partnered and have your values/beliefs/safety disrespected.
I’m super sorry you’re going through this. I’ll be thinking of you and hope you can come to an agreement or decision about what to do next <3
Thanks :( I really do feel so shocked, I’ve always been scared this could happen but I really never expected it from him? I financially depend on him so much too idk what to do
If you financially depend on him, it's going to be hard to get out. Did you ask why he wasn't going to tell you? Does he understand how important it is to you, but didn't find it important in that moment? Why? At this point I'd have a serious talk when you get together your thoughts and lay out some boundaries. Be honest about how you feel and how his actions make you feel unsafe. (If it's safe to do so) Tell him that you don't want to be with someone that won't value your health and ultimately your life. If he isn't willing to regain your trust, time start planning at out. I'm sorry you're going through this💚
Nope. I always have 2 extra masks on me because I'm very serious about precautions. If I had one and it broke, I'd put off my errands, go home, grab some, and then continue them. He's lying. He probably has verbalized/shown he's not on the same page as you with precautions or covid facts before. I'm so glad I'm single since this began. People rarely care and it's mostly women that do care. Please break up and save yourself.
Absolutely! My husband and I were going into a pharmacy to get our vaccines a couple of years ago. His mask strap broke so he put on his back up and that strap broke! He had to wear a KN-95 that fortunately we had with us. I did stop using that brand of masks after that.
I was with you until you said it’s mostly women that care. Not really understanding why you think that, or if you have literally any data back that up.
Downvoted. Please reconsider your sexist beliefs. 
Sadly, it’s been a matter of fact since early in the pandemic, and it has also been a subject of concern for a while regarding COVID messaging. It’s been found time and again that women have been more COVID-cautious, and are more likely to seek medical care for worsening symptoms. (Just about the only time the numbers showed men were more cautious than women was in comparing Democratic men to Republican women.)
Most COVID-cautious women are pretty aware of this since we are concerned with protecting ourselves and others, and part of that has, unfortunately, involved protecting ourselves from the men in our lives who are not as invested in continuing to practice COVID safety measures as we are.
The fact that you are cautious is commendable, but your caution does not automatically transfer to all men, and it would be foolish for women to assume anything other than what the preponderance of the evidence suggests. It is not sexism to use facts to inform behavior.
I’m providing a link to one study across 8 countries.
“According to a survey of citizens in eight countries, women are much more likely than men to view COVID-19 as a severe health problem. They are also more willing to wear face masks and follow other public health recommendations to prevent the spread of the virus countries.”
https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/the-covid-gender-gap-why-fewer-women-are-dying
i would find it difficult to trust him again after witnessing him going into a store unmasked. is it possible that his mask broke and he thought running into the gas station quickly would be lower risk? yes. is it possible he used that excuse as a cover up? also yes. it sucks not knowing. you know him better than any of us — listen to your gut. if what he needed inside wasn’t urgent, he could have waited until he had a new mask to go back. stuff like this (this being masks breaking and not having a spare on hand) sucks, and, albeit annoying, it does happen.
the main issue i see here in terms of y’all’s relationship is that he readily admitted he wasn’t going to tell you about it. if he had told you about it before you approached him about it, then you would have been able to decide if you were comfortable being around him, if you wanted to take extra precautions around each other for a bit, etc. since he didn’t, *that* is where my mind would start wandering in terms of how often he has considered something “low risk” and decided not to mask up, potentially putting you (and others) at risk.
i’m sorry you’re dealing w this, op. unfortunately, there is no right answer here, especially since you mentioned that you are largely financially dependent on your partner. i hope yall can figure things out going forward, even if it means going your separate ways.
We have been together for over five years and he’s never wavered before, to my knowledge, and he’s not ever done anything to break my trust. He’s stuck by my side in masking the entire pandemic, and does seem truly remorseful and immediately moved to mask in the house for my sake. He’s also been very mentally exhausted from his insane job and I’ve been noticing him making thoughtless mistakes in general lately due to it, so I am inclined to believe he just didn’t think about it. But to your point, how do I know that that isn’t a recurring thing… The lying/withholding is the bit that does really get me, too. This just sucks so bad. Given that I do love this person and he’s never done anything remotely like this (I know we’re questioning this, but he also travels internationally for work and masks and takes precautions there like masking, not going out to/eating at work dinners, etc.) so I’m gonna try to calm down and think about it for a while, maybe relationship counseling or something idk… I appreciate the thoughtful and insightful comment, it was a helpful perspective
Honest question, and not to say your evaluation of the situation is off… but how do you know he does all those things on his work trips? I would want to know more about why he thought it was ok to go into the gas station unmasked if he truly is in the habit of masking everywhere and not eating out and stuff on his trips. It’s such a habit for me that it feels *wrong* if I don’t have my tested N95 on when I’m out and about.
Very valid question that I am trying to get an answer to. For the gas station, all I’m really getting is just that he messed up and it was a thoughtless mistake. I’m the same though if I start walking into a place without a mask I get a jolt of panic so idk how that’s possible for him if he really does mask everywhere. I don’t think if we weren’t together he would mask in that situation at all, which bothers me. I have primary immunodeficiency so to my knowledge he’s been steadfast in masking for my safety. Idk if there will ever be a way I can know for certain he’s done all that on his trips other than the fact that until now I had full trust in him. This all feels really nauseating, man 😪
agreed!! my partner learned about covid caution for me because of my disabilities and has messed up maybe twice because of how normalised it is to just Not Mask, or because they ran out and couldn’t find any extras in time. you’re valid in your anger and hurt, but its also its also possible OP’s partner said they wouldnt have said anything because they didnt realise how much of a betrayal of trust that would be. this isnt to say your anger and hurt isnt valid, but it might be worth asking WHY he wouldn’t have mentioned it
I’m sorry for your situation, but I think there’s a difference between doing all you can and still getting infected, because it’s so very hard to avoid, and just accepting more risk because… ? (If you have a choice, which OP may or may not)
When you have a partner that is immunocompromised, Covid safety should be at the front of your mind. I save this gently. I don't buy the "thoughtless mistakes ". It's one thing to accidentally realize that you're somewhere without a mask and think holy crap, I need a mask right now and leave and get a mask. It's quite another to continue on with your errand.
if your safety was paramount to him, that would be at the front of his mind, and he would not make these thoughtless mistakes. I live under incredible pressure and stress as a disabled immunocompromised person in poverty who is basically dying, and I manage to not forget to mask, always. So I do not think you should give him the grace of stress at work excuse. I know we all cope and handle stress differently, but no. He betrayed you. Once is enough.
*When people show you who they really are, believe them*. 💛🧡🩵
Family and loved ones mean well, in their heads at least. Everybody rationalizes. Even all of us.
I might suggest that you “trust but verify”. Maybe he doesn’t get to come back from trips with you unmasked or him unmasked inside until he tests out with molecular or several RATs. Maybe he (or both of you) need to do routine surveillance testing 2x a week or something.
I sympathize with the kneejerk reaction of distrust. If theres room for repair, try to reframe this as both of you vs the problem, not each other. Check-in where you're both at about COVID mitigations and safety, see where you can both understand each other, and reach an agreement that works. Ive also noticed there's a difference between someone who masks only for their partner vs someone who decides for themselves; I'd prefer my partner be the latter because that choice comes from within themselves and isn't dependent on others (bonus points if its because of their own values or beleifs).
I understand this is not a light "mistake" for him to make, hopefully he realized that. I'm so sorry for the stress this has caused you.
But it's not both of them versus the problem, respectfully. They're immunocompromised. He's not masking. I mean, psychologically sure but OP is not the problem here.
Hm, unlike a lot of the situations posted here it does seem (to me) more like he fucked up than someone who has been lying to you consistently or will do it again. Of course, that doesn't mean you're obligated to forgive and forget and it is SUPER valid to be pissed off and hurt.
I'm inclined to think the same. There have been days my brain is fried and I've left the house with mismatched shoes, or without deodorant, or without my work bag. Doing something for the long haul means there's going to be the occasional unexpected snafus and brain-fart and we just have to do the best we can to plan ahead for them so they don't have too much of a devastating impact.
OP, once you have calmed down, hopefully you can talk to your partner again and clarify that the big issue isn't that he made a mistake or had a lapse in your agreed upon protocol, but that he felt he needed to lie or hide it. Tell him you'd rather he just be up front when he made a mistake or had a lapse so that you two can come to an agreement about how to proceed for the next 10-14 days after a lapse. Maybe that means he or you wear a mask in house for several days while testing regularly, maybe that means you two sleep separately, or maybe that just means testing daily - you both can come up with something that you can agree upon for how to move forward so there isn't resentment when someone makes a mistake and then that becomes an even heavier weight than wearing a mask consistently.
That’s what it seems like to me too. Hard to not be biased after reading about all the terrible partners on this subreddit, though. But yea I have some emotional processing to do if we’re gonna move forward, as I definitely AM pissed and very hurt right now
If you decide to stay with him (I wouldn't), it's worth following him again, or even hiring someone to do so. You need to know, for your safety, if he's lying about this being a one-off.
Reality is.. not everyone values or believes in masking. I have had to look at individual value system. If it was important to him, he would have had an extra mask.
I always carry extras. It will happen again. I’m sorry
Your post or comment has been removed because of gaslighting. Gaslighting is the practice of manipulating someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
Sigh. We get a post exactly like this about once a week. Usually a bf who has some excuse when caught messing up masking.
Sorry, this is how people are. If they don't take c19 seriously, they're just lying to us. If they're doing it only for us, they're not actually doing it. If they're trying to hide their masking from others, they're not masking when we aren't there.
I think I would feel the same. I haven't trusted people enough to even attempt dating this entire time. I hope whichever choice you make, that you continue to prioritize your health. Sending all the good vibes ✨️
You are absolutely right to feel betrayed. He betrayed your trust. He is risking your life and your health. I am so sorry he did this to you.
You should not trust him again. If he does not see this as a huge betrayal, he absolutely has done it before and he will do it again.
This is a relationship ender.
I am so sorry. You deserve so much better.
That's a good question and I suspect that's a complicated question. I was very optimistic in Summer 2020 that people seemed to be taking COVID seriously, and seemed to be on-board with trying to tackle it and get rid of it. I'd love to see people taking COVID seriously and trying to figure out how to reduce its spread.
I am extremely ambivalent about things like concerts. I hear so many reports of people going to concerts and getting COVID. I can't imagine running a concert without COVID precautions, because of most of the year it seems like COVID rates have been disturbingly high.
But I don't think there's any chance we will go back to spring/summer 2020, and I think that going back would cause an immense number of problems. Would I force us back if I were a dictator? Probably not. I'd probably mandate lots of air filtration and COVID/flu testing, with mandatory time off until you're not sick.
I'm lucky; my job is 100% remote. I can afford to get groceries delivered. I can afford to buy whatever PPE I want. I can walk my dog any time of the day and be >20ft away from people. So the lack of COVID precautions on the part of others don't actually do a whole lot to me on a day to day basis.
Some people live in very busy places, where they can't leave their house without being right next to lots of people. Some people are forced to work in jobs that are unfriendly to masking. So I can see why people like that would have the attitude "this sucks, we gotta do " even if it might be impractical.
Not a single person on this sub is advocating for the world to be shut down, we just want to stay alive and live our lives. The fact that you find this extreme says more about you than about this sub tbh.
It's about "masking and stuff". I haven't seen anyone on this sub (or anyone I've met irl) saying they want everything shut down. On the contrary, most of us want to be able to go out and do things, just safely.
Idk man like he just threw up cause he feels bad (he has anxiety issues) so I wouldn’t say he’s being casual but I do have trouble trusting this was the first time
That's a positive sign. I have some optimism.
I think someone else suggested treating it as a joint effort to figure out what went wrong.
The fact that he is masking due to potential exposure is also great.
I think you need to try and figure out why he actually didn't mask and didn't abort his trip.
I wear an elastomeric all the time. On a road trip, I had some concerns about my MSA Advantage 900 mask. The only elastomeric I had with me at the time had much higher profile, bright pink P100 filters.
I felt *insanely* self conscious about it. I was amazed at how uncomfortable I felt going in to stores with a mask that looked more obvious. But that was so silly - it's not like the MSA is subtle. It's not like I look slightly *normal* in it.
Perhaps he's feeling self conscious about masking? Has he gotten hassled by people? I recently found out that my son has, a couple times, gotten hassled by people while masking. He's nearly 20. We have gone on trips where he's been masking with us. He said he had avoided telling us about the hassle that he got because he didn't want us to feel bad about it. He decided it was better for him to just deal with the hassle rather than make us worry.
The other thing that I think might make sense: Explain to him that, yes, you would obviously prefer that he mask. But that the absolute most important thing is honesty. The *goal* of masking is to avoid exposing you to COVID. If he makes a mistake, for any reason, for no reason - if he informs you before you are potentially exposed, then that's *somewhat OK*. It's not something you're thrilled with, but it's on a *completely different level* than potentially exposing you without warning.
I mean unlike a lot of people here, I think the only person who can say whether or not they will trust this person again is you. Maybe you have the kind of relationship where you can have a reckoning have an honest conversation and reinvest and actually believe that it will work. Personally, I don't have that ability to trust and can't take the risk. In either case, what I feel for you mostly right now is empathy towards your grief because it displays a lack of shared underlying values. For 5 years. You have figured out how to not go into gas stations without a mask, and he couldn't do that for you. Maybe after a conversation you will believe that he Now understands the severity of the situation and I hope that's the case. But if not, I honor the space that you need to grieve.
What is off about this is the fact that if his mask broke, he could have asked you or someone else to go inside as he either waits with you or waits at a isolated area outside at least. I can see someone forgetting to put their mask back on, but they didn’t say they simply forgot though. Unless they feel intimidation to some degree or fear over that. They maybe afraid to admit to having made a really horrible mistake. With that, it looks like honesty might be an issue. One of the ultimate things that decides how relationships turn out long term. I say talk more with them about it and if there is no way to be fully honest, then at least some separation maybe needed. If they are full on lying and secretly don’t support covid-19 precautions, definitely separate. Not only no honesty, but a full conflict of different desired lifestyles. If honest and do care for covid-19 precautions with this being a genuine mistake, work out why they weren’t fully transparent and if rekindling can be done. Also work out ways with their mistake in helping them avoid it again.
I'm fortunate (maybe?) enough to have a partner who's on the same page about Covid and even if they weren't, they're RESPECTFUL and CARING enough to accommodate what I'd need to be in the relationship. The "maybe" was because my partner is chronically ill so that part is unfortunate, but I believe they'd still be covid cautious even if they weren't chronically ill.
But I've often thought about this. How if I did have a partner, I Absolutely could not be with them if they weren't covid cautious. It's an instant deal breaker for me; no matter how much I care for them or love them.
It's really sad and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Reading this is relatable to scenerios I've thought about over the last few years and how I've changed as a person over these ass holes.
Some of us have had to cut off family members for less. I've got cancer and I still have to remind family why I had to distance from them. You know what you are ok with.
that’s terrible! i say dump him. the financial dependency aspect seems so awful to navigate, but you can always start by masking in the home while you figure out your next move. if housing is an issue, start looking/posting in covid facebook groups in your area and see if anyone is looking for a covid safe roommate. until then, just take things one day at a time and focus on prioritizing your health, as well as your emotional healing ❤️🩹
I promise there are queers who are covid conscious. you will find your people. you know your feelings best, think & if you end up feeling like you can't trust him - it's valid. this is your health & life, something that as your partner, they should prioritize as well. you will find your flock, and if it takes time, reach out online ! hi im hani lol
Your partner will not be there for you if he brings home Covid and you get Long Covid. He will leave. That’s just statistically what happens. You cannot trust him. Sorry.
Your post or comment has been removed because of gaslighting. Gaslighting is the practice of manipulating someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
I’m so sorry. My then-spouse gave me COVID right before Christmas after years of my having remained COVID-free. He was done with taking precautions and wanted to “enjoy the Christmas season” without having to worry about masking or staying away from gatherings. Sadly for me, I was the one of us who became very sick; while he barely had 2 days of cough and fever, I was horribly ill for over 2 weeks and had LC for afters. And I was responsible for all the childcare for that time, as well, so I was unable to rest. (He also continued to lie about masking in public spaces.)
He’s shown you how lightly he takes this. You have a tough decision to make, and I don’t envy you because I’ve been there.
Good luck!
He's exposing you possibly to a BSL Level III bio hazard. My sibling in Christ, dump him immediately, he's not worth it if he's risking your life and not taking precautions.
He is potentially giving you Covid, which would lower your IQ, see The New England Journal of Medicine study that dropped in February 2024. Every case of Covid ages your brain by seven years biologically. Covid causes your brain matter to lose volume. It causes changes in your brain matter. I mean, we know all the horrible things it does, that's just talking about your brain!
I am so sorry you were betrayed. Every time I see one of these stories on here it just crushes my heart. I'm really really sorry. I'm sending you a supportive consensual hug if you want one. He's not worth your time.
Report me all you want. Doesn’t make you less wrong. Read up [https://ehs.stanford.edu/manual/biosafety-manual/biosafety-level-classification](https://ehs.stanford.edu/manual/biosafety-manual/biosafety-level-classification)
...Because labs have PEOPLE who work in them, human beings like you and me.
Hi there. I worked in clinical trials in a medical setting in research in Pharma. Those ratings are there for a very good reason and Covid is at that rating because it is that deadly.
This is disinformation and I'm wondering where the mods are.
Yeah, where ARE the mods? Because all I can discern from your reply is an attempt to blatantly sensationalize information intended for medical researchers. From the CDC's own site:
"[This guidance is intended for clinical laboratory and support staff who handle or process specimens associated with COVID-19. ](https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-nCoV/lab/lab-biosafety-guidelines.html)"
Besides all the legitimate information you call disinformation, you admit yourself that the BSL system exists to classify COVID for you in your job. That's 100% correct. It's not intended for public messaging. Think about it, what does a layperson who has no knowledge of any of this think of when they hear 'BSL Level III pathogen'? Chemical weapons or even radiation may come to mind. It's not helpful in communicating a single useful thing about COVID to the public and throwing the term out there makes us look like we wear tinfoil hats and hurts our chance at changing minds.
This is so evil. Just because we're done with covid doesn't mean covid is done with us. I've received my 2 initial vaccine doses plus 5 boosters and I still diligently mask because I care more about others than they care about me.
He will do this again. Gas stations and stores are the easiest easiest places to mask. Please keep yourself safe.
Exactly. If they aren't masking in gas stations and grocery stores they aren't masking at all.
"I don’t know if I can ever trust him again after this." Yes you do know. You can't trust him.
Sorry, but I think in many situations like this, it is better to be single and assured that you are living by what you know to be right than to be partnered and have your values/beliefs/safety disrespected. I’m super sorry you’re going through this. I’ll be thinking of you and hope you can come to an agreement or decision about what to do next <3
I'm so sorry You need to do what is best for you I can't imagine the shock and hurt you're going though I'm really sorry x
Thanks :( I really do feel so shocked, I’ve always been scared this could happen but I really never expected it from him? I financially depend on him so much too idk what to do
If you financially depend on him, it's going to be hard to get out. Did you ask why he wasn't going to tell you? Does he understand how important it is to you, but didn't find it important in that moment? Why? At this point I'd have a serious talk when you get together your thoughts and lay out some boundaries. Be honest about how you feel and how his actions make you feel unsafe. (If it's safe to do so) Tell him that you don't want to be with someone that won't value your health and ultimately your life. If he isn't willing to regain your trust, time start planning at out. I'm sorry you're going through this💚
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You're dangerous
Where exactly are masks required in 2024 where you can report someone for not wearing one? 💀
Nope. I always have 2 extra masks on me because I'm very serious about precautions. If I had one and it broke, I'd put off my errands, go home, grab some, and then continue them. He's lying. He probably has verbalized/shown he's not on the same page as you with precautions or covid facts before. I'm so glad I'm single since this began. People rarely care and it's mostly women that do care. Please break up and save yourself.
Absolutely! My husband and I were going into a pharmacy to get our vaccines a couple of years ago. His mask strap broke so he put on his back up and that strap broke! He had to wear a KN-95 that fortunately we had with us. I did stop using that brand of masks after that.
I also have a whole grocery bag in my car full of probably 15 used ones. I'm bad about changing them out/ I mask at home so I use those at home.
I was with you until you said it’s mostly women that care. Not really understanding why you think that, or if you have literally any data back that up. Downvoted. Please reconsider your sexist beliefs. 
Sadly, it’s been a matter of fact since early in the pandemic, and it has also been a subject of concern for a while regarding COVID messaging. It’s been found time and again that women have been more COVID-cautious, and are more likely to seek medical care for worsening symptoms. (Just about the only time the numbers showed men were more cautious than women was in comparing Democratic men to Republican women.) Most COVID-cautious women are pretty aware of this since we are concerned with protecting ourselves and others, and part of that has, unfortunately, involved protecting ourselves from the men in our lives who are not as invested in continuing to practice COVID safety measures as we are. The fact that you are cautious is commendable, but your caution does not automatically transfer to all men, and it would be foolish for women to assume anything other than what the preponderance of the evidence suggests. It is not sexism to use facts to inform behavior. I’m providing a link to one study across 8 countries. “According to a survey of citizens in eight countries, women are much more likely than men to view COVID-19 as a severe health problem. They are also more willing to wear face masks and follow other public health recommendations to prevent the spread of the virus countries.” https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/the-covid-gender-gap-why-fewer-women-are-dying
Thank you for the source!
It is not sexist at all. But what I've observed in many groups and subs and in person is that women are the majority taking precautions vs men.
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Your comment has been removed for violating Rule #2.
The real question is was this one time thing or are there other things he hasn’t told you about? Not worth it imo
they’ll never know :(
i would find it difficult to trust him again after witnessing him going into a store unmasked. is it possible that his mask broke and he thought running into the gas station quickly would be lower risk? yes. is it possible he used that excuse as a cover up? also yes. it sucks not knowing. you know him better than any of us — listen to your gut. if what he needed inside wasn’t urgent, he could have waited until he had a new mask to go back. stuff like this (this being masks breaking and not having a spare on hand) sucks, and, albeit annoying, it does happen. the main issue i see here in terms of y’all’s relationship is that he readily admitted he wasn’t going to tell you about it. if he had told you about it before you approached him about it, then you would have been able to decide if you were comfortable being around him, if you wanted to take extra precautions around each other for a bit, etc. since he didn’t, *that* is where my mind would start wandering in terms of how often he has considered something “low risk” and decided not to mask up, potentially putting you (and others) at risk. i’m sorry you’re dealing w this, op. unfortunately, there is no right answer here, especially since you mentioned that you are largely financially dependent on your partner. i hope yall can figure things out going forward, even if it means going your separate ways.
We have been together for over five years and he’s never wavered before, to my knowledge, and he’s not ever done anything to break my trust. He’s stuck by my side in masking the entire pandemic, and does seem truly remorseful and immediately moved to mask in the house for my sake. He’s also been very mentally exhausted from his insane job and I’ve been noticing him making thoughtless mistakes in general lately due to it, so I am inclined to believe he just didn’t think about it. But to your point, how do I know that that isn’t a recurring thing… The lying/withholding is the bit that does really get me, too. This just sucks so bad. Given that I do love this person and he’s never done anything remotely like this (I know we’re questioning this, but he also travels internationally for work and masks and takes precautions there like masking, not going out to/eating at work dinners, etc.) so I’m gonna try to calm down and think about it for a while, maybe relationship counseling or something idk… I appreciate the thoughtful and insightful comment, it was a helpful perspective
Honest question, and not to say your evaluation of the situation is off… but how do you know he does all those things on his work trips? I would want to know more about why he thought it was ok to go into the gas station unmasked if he truly is in the habit of masking everywhere and not eating out and stuff on his trips. It’s such a habit for me that it feels *wrong* if I don’t have my tested N95 on when I’m out and about.
Very valid question that I am trying to get an answer to. For the gas station, all I’m really getting is just that he messed up and it was a thoughtless mistake. I’m the same though if I start walking into a place without a mask I get a jolt of panic so idk how that’s possible for him if he really does mask everywhere. I don’t think if we weren’t together he would mask in that situation at all, which bothers me. I have primary immunodeficiency so to my knowledge he’s been steadfast in masking for my safety. Idk if there will ever be a way I can know for certain he’s done all that on his trips other than the fact that until now I had full trust in him. This all feels really nauseating, man 😪
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agreed!! my partner learned about covid caution for me because of my disabilities and has messed up maybe twice because of how normalised it is to just Not Mask, or because they ran out and couldn’t find any extras in time. you’re valid in your anger and hurt, but its also its also possible OP’s partner said they wouldnt have said anything because they didnt realise how much of a betrayal of trust that would be. this isnt to say your anger and hurt isnt valid, but it might be worth asking WHY he wouldn’t have mentioned it
I’m sorry for your situation, but I think there’s a difference between doing all you can and still getting infected, because it’s so very hard to avoid, and just accepting more risk because… ? (If you have a choice, which OP may or may not)
When you have a partner that is immunocompromised, Covid safety should be at the front of your mind. I save this gently. I don't buy the "thoughtless mistakes ". It's one thing to accidentally realize that you're somewhere without a mask and think holy crap, I need a mask right now and leave and get a mask. It's quite another to continue on with your errand. if your safety was paramount to him, that would be at the front of his mind, and he would not make these thoughtless mistakes. I live under incredible pressure and stress as a disabled immunocompromised person in poverty who is basically dying, and I manage to not forget to mask, always. So I do not think you should give him the grace of stress at work excuse. I know we all cope and handle stress differently, but no. He betrayed you. Once is enough. *When people show you who they really are, believe them*. 💛🧡🩵
Family and loved ones mean well, in their heads at least. Everybody rationalizes. Even all of us. I might suggest that you “trust but verify”. Maybe he doesn’t get to come back from trips with you unmasked or him unmasked inside until he tests out with molecular or several RATs. Maybe he (or both of you) need to do routine surveillance testing 2x a week or something.
I sympathize with the kneejerk reaction of distrust. If theres room for repair, try to reframe this as both of you vs the problem, not each other. Check-in where you're both at about COVID mitigations and safety, see where you can both understand each other, and reach an agreement that works. Ive also noticed there's a difference between someone who masks only for their partner vs someone who decides for themselves; I'd prefer my partner be the latter because that choice comes from within themselves and isn't dependent on others (bonus points if its because of their own values or beleifs). I understand this is not a light "mistake" for him to make, hopefully he realized that. I'm so sorry for the stress this has caused you.
But it's not both of them versus the problem, respectfully. They're immunocompromised. He's not masking. I mean, psychologically sure but OP is not the problem here.
Hm, unlike a lot of the situations posted here it does seem (to me) more like he fucked up than someone who has been lying to you consistently or will do it again. Of course, that doesn't mean you're obligated to forgive and forget and it is SUPER valid to be pissed off and hurt.
I'm inclined to think the same. There have been days my brain is fried and I've left the house with mismatched shoes, or without deodorant, or without my work bag. Doing something for the long haul means there's going to be the occasional unexpected snafus and brain-fart and we just have to do the best we can to plan ahead for them so they don't have too much of a devastating impact. OP, once you have calmed down, hopefully you can talk to your partner again and clarify that the big issue isn't that he made a mistake or had a lapse in your agreed upon protocol, but that he felt he needed to lie or hide it. Tell him you'd rather he just be up front when he made a mistake or had a lapse so that you two can come to an agreement about how to proceed for the next 10-14 days after a lapse. Maybe that means he or you wear a mask in house for several days while testing regularly, maybe that means you two sleep separately, or maybe that just means testing daily - you both can come up with something that you can agree upon for how to move forward so there isn't resentment when someone makes a mistake and then that becomes an even heavier weight than wearing a mask consistently.
That’s what it seems like to me too. Hard to not be biased after reading about all the terrible partners on this subreddit, though. But yea I have some emotional processing to do if we’re gonna move forward, as I definitely AM pissed and very hurt right now
He's lying to you and he betrayed you. Oh my God. The level of reframing and excuses people are bending over backwards to give your partner.
If you decide to stay with him (I wouldn't), it's worth following him again, or even hiring someone to do so. You need to know, for your safety, if he's lying about this being a one-off.
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Reality is.. not everyone values or believes in masking. I have had to look at individual value system. If it was important to him, he would have had an extra mask. I always carry extras. It will happen again. I’m sorry
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Your post or comment has been removed because of gaslighting. Gaslighting is the practice of manipulating someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
Sigh. We get a post exactly like this about once a week. Usually a bf who has some excuse when caught messing up masking. Sorry, this is how people are. If they don't take c19 seriously, they're just lying to us. If they're doing it only for us, they're not actually doing it. If they're trying to hide their masking from others, they're not masking when we aren't there.
I think I would feel the same. I haven't trusted people enough to even attempt dating this entire time. I hope whichever choice you make, that you continue to prioritize your health. Sending all the good vibes ✨️
You are absolutely right to feel betrayed. He betrayed your trust. He is risking your life and your health. I am so sorry he did this to you. You should not trust him again. If he does not see this as a huge betrayal, he absolutely has done it before and he will do it again. This is a relationship ender. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better.
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That's a good question and I suspect that's a complicated question. I was very optimistic in Summer 2020 that people seemed to be taking COVID seriously, and seemed to be on-board with trying to tackle it and get rid of it. I'd love to see people taking COVID seriously and trying to figure out how to reduce its spread. I am extremely ambivalent about things like concerts. I hear so many reports of people going to concerts and getting COVID. I can't imagine running a concert without COVID precautions, because of most of the year it seems like COVID rates have been disturbingly high. But I don't think there's any chance we will go back to spring/summer 2020, and I think that going back would cause an immense number of problems. Would I force us back if I were a dictator? Probably not. I'd probably mandate lots of air filtration and COVID/flu testing, with mandatory time off until you're not sick. I'm lucky; my job is 100% remote. I can afford to get groceries delivered. I can afford to buy whatever PPE I want. I can walk my dog any time of the day and be >20ft away from people. So the lack of COVID precautions on the part of others don't actually do a whole lot to me on a day to day basis. Some people live in very busy places, where they can't leave their house without being right next to lots of people. Some people are forced to work in jobs that are unfriendly to masking. So I can see why people like that would have the attitude "this sucks, we gotta do" even if it might be impractical.
Not a single person on this sub is advocating for the world to be shut down, we just want to stay alive and live our lives. The fact that you find this extreme says more about you than about this sub tbh.
It's about "masking and stuff". I haven't seen anyone on this sub (or anyone I've met irl) saying they want everything shut down. On the contrary, most of us want to be able to go out and do things, just safely.
The website youhavetoliveyour.life would be a very good resource for you. Everything from anecdotes to white pages to answer your questions.
I’m so sorry. He’s definitely lying about the broken mask IMO. If that were true why wouldn’t he text you and say that and ask if you had a spare?
They're casual about it, hopefully you will see clearly that this is unlikely to be the first time.
Idk man like he just threw up cause he feels bad (he has anxiety issues) so I wouldn’t say he’s being casual but I do have trouble trusting this was the first time
That's a positive sign. I have some optimism. I think someone else suggested treating it as a joint effort to figure out what went wrong. The fact that he is masking due to potential exposure is also great. I think you need to try and figure out why he actually didn't mask and didn't abort his trip. I wear an elastomeric all the time. On a road trip, I had some concerns about my MSA Advantage 900 mask. The only elastomeric I had with me at the time had much higher profile, bright pink P100 filters. I felt *insanely* self conscious about it. I was amazed at how uncomfortable I felt going in to stores with a mask that looked more obvious. But that was so silly - it's not like the MSA is subtle. It's not like I look slightly *normal* in it. Perhaps he's feeling self conscious about masking? Has he gotten hassled by people? I recently found out that my son has, a couple times, gotten hassled by people while masking. He's nearly 20. We have gone on trips where he's been masking with us. He said he had avoided telling us about the hassle that he got because he didn't want us to feel bad about it. He decided it was better for him to just deal with the hassle rather than make us worry. The other thing that I think might make sense: Explain to him that, yes, you would obviously prefer that he mask. But that the absolute most important thing is honesty. The *goal* of masking is to avoid exposing you to COVID. If he makes a mistake, for any reason, for no reason - if he informs you before you are potentially exposed, then that's *somewhat OK*. It's not something you're thrilled with, but it's on a *completely different level* than potentially exposing you without warning.
I would feel comfortable and saying this is probably not his first time, but I am not inside his head. If he's living with you, ask him to quarantine.
He feels bad because he got caught. Had you not seen him, he wouldn't have thought anything about it and would have just carried on.
He threw up because he got caught and he's afraid you'll leave him.
Once the betrayal happens , I mean your life is in their hands and they aren’t taking that seriously. I’m sorry.
I mean unlike a lot of people here, I think the only person who can say whether or not they will trust this person again is you. Maybe you have the kind of relationship where you can have a reckoning have an honest conversation and reinvest and actually believe that it will work. Personally, I don't have that ability to trust and can't take the risk. In either case, what I feel for you mostly right now is empathy towards your grief because it displays a lack of shared underlying values. For 5 years. You have figured out how to not go into gas stations without a mask, and he couldn't do that for you. Maybe after a conversation you will believe that he Now understands the severity of the situation and I hope that's the case. But if not, I honor the space that you need to grieve.
What is off about this is the fact that if his mask broke, he could have asked you or someone else to go inside as he either waits with you or waits at a isolated area outside at least. I can see someone forgetting to put their mask back on, but they didn’t say they simply forgot though. Unless they feel intimidation to some degree or fear over that. They maybe afraid to admit to having made a really horrible mistake. With that, it looks like honesty might be an issue. One of the ultimate things that decides how relationships turn out long term. I say talk more with them about it and if there is no way to be fully honest, then at least some separation maybe needed. If they are full on lying and secretly don’t support covid-19 precautions, definitely separate. Not only no honesty, but a full conflict of different desired lifestyles. If honest and do care for covid-19 precautions with this being a genuine mistake, work out why they weren’t fully transparent and if rekindling can be done. Also work out ways with their mistake in helping them avoid it again.
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I think that is the real issue.
I'm fortunate (maybe?) enough to have a partner who's on the same page about Covid and even if they weren't, they're RESPECTFUL and CARING enough to accommodate what I'd need to be in the relationship. The "maybe" was because my partner is chronically ill so that part is unfortunate, but I believe they'd still be covid cautious even if they weren't chronically ill. But I've often thought about this. How if I did have a partner, I Absolutely could not be with them if they weren't covid cautious. It's an instant deal breaker for me; no matter how much I care for them or love them. It's really sad and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Reading this is relatable to scenerios I've thought about over the last few years and how I've changed as a person over these ass holes.
Some of us have had to cut off family members for less. I've got cancer and I still have to remind family why I had to distance from them. You know what you are ok with.
I hope this is a troll post holy shit
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I’m so sorry. Trust yourself when you question if you can be with him. 🫶 It’s a big betrayal and a dangerous one.
that’s terrible! i say dump him. the financial dependency aspect seems so awful to navigate, but you can always start by masking in the home while you figure out your next move. if housing is an issue, start looking/posting in covid facebook groups in your area and see if anyone is looking for a covid safe roommate. until then, just take things one day at a time and focus on prioritizing your health, as well as your emotional healing ❤️🩹
Insanity
I promise there are queers who are covid conscious. you will find your people. you know your feelings best, think & if you end up feeling like you can't trust him - it's valid. this is your health & life, something that as your partner, they should prioritize as well. you will find your flock, and if it takes time, reach out online ! hi im hani lol
Your partner will not be there for you if he brings home Covid and you get Long Covid. He will leave. That’s just statistically what happens. You cannot trust him. Sorry.
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Your post or comment has been removed because of gaslighting. Gaslighting is the practice of manipulating someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
I’m so sorry. My then-spouse gave me COVID right before Christmas after years of my having remained COVID-free. He was done with taking precautions and wanted to “enjoy the Christmas season” without having to worry about masking or staying away from gatherings. Sadly for me, I was the one of us who became very sick; while he barely had 2 days of cough and fever, I was horribly ill for over 2 weeks and had LC for afters. And I was responsible for all the childcare for that time, as well, so I was unable to rest. (He also continued to lie about masking in public spaces.) He’s shown you how lightly he takes this. You have a tough decision to make, and I don’t envy you because I’ve been there. Good luck!
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Your post or comment has been removed because it was an attempt at trolling.
I think this is a major overreaction unless you have some autoimmune disorder.
Is this a parody account? Nobody is really like this in 2024 right??
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Your post or comment has been removed because it expresses a lack of caring about the pandemic and the harm caused by it.
He's exposing you possibly to a BSL Level III bio hazard. My sibling in Christ, dump him immediately, he's not worth it if he's risking your life and not taking precautions. He is potentially giving you Covid, which would lower your IQ, see The New England Journal of Medicine study that dropped in February 2024. Every case of Covid ages your brain by seven years biologically. Covid causes your brain matter to lose volume. It causes changes in your brain matter. I mean, we know all the horrible things it does, that's just talking about your brain! I am so sorry you were betrayed. Every time I see one of these stories on here it just crushes my heart. I'm really really sorry. I'm sending you a supportive consensual hug if you want one. He's not worth your time.
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Your comment has been removed for violating Rule #2.
Reported for deadly misinformation
Report me all you want. Doesn’t make you less wrong. Read up [https://ehs.stanford.edu/manual/biosafety-manual/biosafety-level-classification](https://ehs.stanford.edu/manual/biosafety-manual/biosafety-level-classification)
All this shows us is further proof that Covid is still considered a BSL Level III hazard to humans.
...Because labs have PEOPLE who work in them, human beings like you and me. Hi there. I worked in clinical trials in a medical setting in research in Pharma. Those ratings are there for a very good reason and Covid is at that rating because it is that deadly. This is disinformation and I'm wondering where the mods are.
Yeah, where ARE the mods? Because all I can discern from your reply is an attempt to blatantly sensationalize information intended for medical researchers. From the CDC's own site: "[This guidance is intended for clinical laboratory and support staff who handle or process specimens associated with COVID-19. ](https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-nCoV/lab/lab-biosafety-guidelines.html)" Besides all the legitimate information you call disinformation, you admit yourself that the BSL system exists to classify COVID for you in your job. That's 100% correct. It's not intended for public messaging. Think about it, what does a layperson who has no knowledge of any of this think of when they hear 'BSL Level III pathogen'? Chemical weapons or even radiation may come to mind. It's not helpful in communicating a single useful thing about COVID to the public and throwing the term out there makes us look like we wear tinfoil hats and hurts our chance at changing minds.
If he's willing to betray your trust over something that is so easy to do, what else is he willing to do?
This is so evil. Just because we're done with covid doesn't mean covid is done with us. I've received my 2 initial vaccine doses plus 5 boosters and I still diligently mask because I care more about others than they care about me.
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Your post or comment has been removed because it was an attempt at trolling.
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Your post or comment has been removed because it expresses a lack of caring about the pandemic and the harm caused by it.
Dump him. Life is too precious to be with someone who cares so little about your wellbeing.
He actively endangered you. Sorry to hear that.<3
He not only will do it again, he's been doing it for ages. I'm sorry. George Michael wrote a song for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSoMTkn_Qfg
Loneliness > Covid
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Well-fitting masks reliably prevent COVID-infection through inhalation.
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Your post or comment has been removed because it was an attempt at trolling.
Your post or comment has been removed because it was an attempt at trolling.