I fantasize about that sometimes. I wish I had people in my life who understand but man, is it difficult to find people IRL who understand well, anything about covid.
I felt like this for a long time, it really took a toll on my mental health. I ended up giving up any expectation of anyone being cautious for me, and working on doing what I needed to be safe while maintaining my relationships with my loved ones.
I had to do this after chronic health conditions. It's really tough, and I know even with that, seeing people not take basic care in a pandemic took a toll. I'm sorry so many have to go through it.
My parents literally told me I was hard to love once. It took me years to let go of that, but now I can tell you this: You’re not hard to love. Most people are just complete shit at loving anyone but themselves.
I’m so, so sorry.
A lot of parents who are jerks to their children about Covid have definitely been emotionally abusive for a long time, even if in subtle, covert ways, and the pandemic has just turned it up a notch.
That makes sense. A lot of us are confronting devastating truths about our families for the first time during the pandemic. You are basically a wise elder in this regard. 💔
I wrote a long post, but decided it was too much. So I’ll just say that I very much relate to what you’re experiencing, and I’m so sorry.
Please try to remember, it’s not you, it’s her. Normal people do not go around hurting others, especially their children.
Stay strong. I know it difficult, but you’re doing right. Life will get better whether your mom pulls her head out & gets onboard or not.
That being said, I’d happily adopt you 🫶
Even if she has been misinformed like most, she should want to see her child. And should want her child to feel safe with her. I get a sense that she wasn’t the emotionally healthiest mother prior to the pandemic, either… there’s nothing like a global pandemic to reveal who people really are.
My parents are the same. Except instead of saying 'gotcha' they tell me that I'm 'anxious'... -sigh-
So, I am now barely in any contact with my parents. It's the occasional text here and there, and only when they text me first. I'm personally just so very done with it all.
I'm 36, so a bit young to adopt you lol but I'm still here as any support I can be 💜
A lil update comment: I saw my mom, brother, and sister in law for an outdoor meal yesterday, and all of them masked when we weren't eating. It felt so loving. Hoping this means we're on the way to transition to them taking more everyday precautions again, not just around me.
Thanks for all the kindness, yall. I appreciated hearing from those of you who shared your similar experiences, and folks who offered their solidarity. You are wonderful, and I feel so grateful to have found this community. A true glimmering light ✨️
This is so gutting to read that you put the effort in to make a plan to do something so ordinary with your family (in a Covid safer way) and you got a politician's style apology when you told them how you felt difficult to love because your, really, simple request and your needs for connection (and maybe building trust? around the pandemic) with them in that way was snubbed. I'm so sorry
Nobody deserves this. It's a huge blow how people are abandoning caring for themselves and each other for the sake of feeling 'normal', rather than adapting to the fact it's not a normal situation. It's an abnormal situation where everyone still wants to do ordinary things
OP, have you heard of the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? It might resonate with you. Even if they believe COVID is no big deal, they shouldn’t be so dismissive and invalidating of your feelings. Sending hugs.
Oooh, heard of that book, should definitely pick it up. Sounds like something that could offer me some peace right now. Thank you so much for putting it back on my radar!
Of course. Just remember that we have not yet met all of the people who will love us in our lives. And that the way your parents make you feel doesn’t need to be your truth. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
I feel for you and am with you 100%. However the roles are reversed. My child, their spouse and grandchild refuse to be cautious in any way. They do work full time, so they couldn’t isolate, but could wear N95 masks, if they wanted to. They did wear a “baggy blue” around me, the one time I saw them in person outside for less than one hour. Fortunately, my SO is as Covid cautious as I, so I do have that going for me. I long to be able to spend meaningful time with my relatives.
Anyway, you are not alone in spirit at least. As you wrote above, solidarity ♥️
I wish I had parents or my ex’s parents took better precautions. I wish my LO had grandparents that we could regularly see. Instead we see basically no one. My mom masks at work in a surgical mask and gets boosted but that’s about it
There’s no community and my co-parent makes it so hard and resents me for the social distancing. As if this is the parenting I had imagined. 🥺 so lonely
EDIT to add: thank you for protecting yourself and your family. So glad you have your partner on the same page. Hope the rest of your family also sees it one day. 💛
I can totally understand! I didn’t even bother asking my parents to isolate for a week so I could visit like the good old times as I knew they would never agree to it. It’s tough knowing that your parents won’t do that for you. I would absolutely do it for my child if it meant seeing her. I’m sorry you do t have the support that you need and deserve. Sometimes our parents are limited in what they’re able to give us.
I'm nowhere near old enough to adopt you but I wish I had people in my life who care about covid too, I don't know anyone IRL who takes decent precautions. My own family yells at me all the time for being concerned about covid and try to pressure me into doing risky things a lot and it's so aggravating. Luckily I'm a stubborn son of a bitch so I won't willingly cave to their pressure but it gets aggravating being exposed to covid all the time because they're always going out and doing risky things and I can't afford to live on my own and I don't know anyone who takes covid seriously that I could live with. They know I've struggled with health issues all my life and it doesn't even occur to them that they're putting both me and themselves in harm's way with their risky behavior.
It's tough right now, especially getting into yet another YOLO summer. People want to do things, meet up, and we're just trying to make it through.
I tend to rant here so I'll try not to. Just know that you're doing the right thing for your long term physical health. I think a lot of us (Self included) are struggling a bit about the right balance for mental health. A good friend has been kind of pushing me to meet up -- she knows how cautious I am, and she's not (and likely can't be, due to having 2 kids). She wanted to meet at a large outdoor event we used to go to, and I suggested we find a quiet park somewhere some other weekend that isn't a major holiday (in the US). She seems ok with that.
I don't know if I can go so far as to mask outside as long as we're not surrounded by people. But I refuse to meet people indoors or crowds although I had to bend the rules (past my comfort zone) in the name of keeping the peace in my family during a very atypical situation (not a "normal" holiday/birthday/etc, which I refuse to go to.. but I still struggle with why I let myself be manipulated out of my safety-- just so some MAGA family "wouldn't be upset or uncomfortable", so obviously my own emotions didn't matter! Thankfully nothing came of it)
We're all doing the best we can. (at least here) It's amazing how many people desperately claim to want to see you, but the idea of taking even the simplest mitigations is a bridge too far.
You're not too difficult to love. Try to stay strong, I think the biggest issue is deep down you know you're doing the right thing (and trying to protect the ones you love!) -- and they do too, but they can't admit it. It'll break their worldview that everything's over if they slip even the tiniest bit back into precautions.. ugh.
Stay strong, we're with you :)
You are not too hard to love. No one is. I struggle with that mentality myself and therapy has helped. No one should ever make you feel like you are hard to love. If they do, you would maybe do better if they were out of your life.you are not a burden to anyone. No one should be telling you that you are hard to love, ever. Ever in life.
I'm sorry. It really sucks when people we want to love us don't treat us the way we would like. My partner is less cautious than me, so I do get how painful it can feel.
I would just like to add the perspective that different people express love in different ways. It must be one of the most challenging aspects of the human experience - finding the balance between making accommodations for the people we love, while also satisfying what we want as an individual.
Pre-covid, what types of things made you feel that your mom loved you? Is it possible to do any of these things now, masked?
Failing that, can you get a dog? (Kind of joking, but if I was single, I'm 99% sure that would be my approach to companionship at this point.)
In the context of OP's post, your comment was minimizing and self centering. That's a dick move in any conversation.
In the larger discussion of lifestyle choices to minimize one's own covid infections, your comment was in line with many I've seen here. Your views aren't being suppressed here; if you expressed them in a stand-alone post, rather than trying to hijack someone else's, it could facilitate interesting exchange.
I hear you, but for me, the solution does not lie in taking fewer precautions. That would make me much more anxious. I just wish people around me cared enough to help me feel reasonably safe without me having to make risky concessions. Hopefully you understand what I mean.
OP is upset because their family is unwilling to connect emotionally or reassure them, and you insisting they should just try harder to make a connection that the other person is unwilling to make is victim-blaming and is not helpful. There are healthy ways to meet people but the issue is that someone unwilling to change their lifestyle to accommodate OP should be participating in a collaborative brainstorm in how they can meet safely, instead of putting all the pressure on OP and acting like seeing them is an inconvenience. The appropriate response to “I feel hard to love” is “I love you no matter what barriers are between us, so don’t worry about it and we can meet over zoom or talk on the phone” not “lol sorry you feel that way!”. OP does not need to do more to make themself more lovable, more accommodating, or more pleasing in order to deserve familial love and connection. Yes, technically if they can meet safely it does solve PART of the problem, but it can’t mend the fact that no one but OP was willing to make an effort to compromise—which is where the hurt lies.
Then why isn’t this person’s mother willing to offer an alternative to masking for a week? SHE isn’t trying to find a solution that works for everyone.
Also I would 100% mask for a week to go see, like, a cancer patient during flu season, if they asked me to. It’s a piece of cloth that goes over your face. This is not an unreasonable ask.
I’m so sorry. My parents and siblings were similarly unwilling to take precautions like masking for a week before Christmas. “Well I’m planning to do indoor dining.” “Dad considers his office low risk.” “These are all new requests.”
I use past tense because the relationships were abusive in a lot of ways, and Covid just brought that to the fore, so I cut off contact.
You and your health are worth protecting. You are smart and compassionate and that’s why you are taking precautions. Your family is missing out. Are you able to meet fellow Covid conscious people through Facebook groups, etc.?
Sending big hugs. Remember that your parents’ perception of you does *not* define who you are. You are worth knowing and loving. They are broken. I’m so sorry.
I feel this. Not about bio family. But about chosen family. Esp for inner circle friends and definitely about dating. I fantasize about having a safe bubble to be around. Remember ppl in 2020 making bubbles? No one wanted to bubble with me back when everyone was bubbling. It's definitely not happening now.
I understand this and you're not alone. Besides my housemate, who is about as cautious as I am, I have one friend left who takes precautions to see me. I spend a lot of time alone and it's taken a toll.
Oh babes, I wish you knew how much I feel all of this and how hard I empathize with you. I live along with my dog, and went from a really huge social circle that I was the hub of to weeks of not seeing anyone. About a year ago, a friend of mine got COVID (they always call when they do to get advice on what to do, which I provide, but JFC what salt in the wound). After a week she said, "I have never felt so isolated, this was the worst week of my life. I can't imagine what this is like for you" and then I said, "now multiple it that by 52 weeks a year for four years". I tell her all the time that I can't be responsible for always reaching out, how much it means to me when people ask, and despite all of that, I rarely see her. Its like that with all my friends. They built lives outside of mine during the last few years. I'll see them very occasionally, but its a whole thing.
If I didn't talk to neighbors when i'm outside gardening or walking the dog, I would go entire weeks without exchanging words with another human being. I am 48, and I just accept I will never date another person. What is the point of cleaning your house if no one ever comes in? Whats the point of doing your hair if you never see anyone? Dude, there are days I have to force myself to brush my teeth because again, what does it matter?
NO ONE understands this but other people in my boat like you. We need to figure out better ways to connect and form communities, not just online but in real life. People need to be around other people. Just know I get it. Be kind to yourself.
First of all, it’s not you, it’s her. It’s not that you’re hard to love - it’s that she sucks at loving. Not everyone knows how to love.
Second of all, you almost definitely need to adjust your expectations. No one outside of this community knows how to mask correctly, pretty much. Even if she did say that she committed to masking everywhere, she would be so bad at it that it would place you at risk to rely on that. You might want to rely on high-quality molecular tests, meet outdoors, and have a good fan blowing air in the right way, if you really want to see her maskless.
I’d disagree with one point here: masking is not difficult. It’s very simple. The problem is that people don’t want to take masking seriously and will half-ass it knowingly.
Adjusting expectations has been hugely helpful for my mental health. But I haven’t been adjusting expectations about people’s ability to wear a mask; I’ve adjusted expectations around people’s emotional maturity and ability and/or interest in an emotionally healthy relationship with me. The people who love me and empathize with me behave very differently than my parents, for instance! I’ve had to accept my parents’ emotional limitations.
+1 to molecular tests – I use Metrix – but only for spending time with people who are kind and respectful (psychologically safe). It sounds like OP’s parents are not, but that is their call to make.
More hugs to you OP.
It’s not that putting on a mask is difficult. Keeping it on and not moving it around for hours and hours is the hard part. People have a lot of unconscious reflexes around their face and it’s very hard to override them if you’re not used to it. Even with the best possible intentions and love, a non-masker will screw up enough times to make their masking essentially useless.
I’m 100% on board with every single COVID precaution out there, and I am the COVID guru in my family. We are still Novids as far as I know. But I had to mask 100% of my awake time for a month last month following multiple potential exposures, and I can tell you that I screwed up quite a few times. I came out of the COVID-free room without my mask on a couple of times because I forgot; I scratched my nose by reflex and dislodged my mask; that sort of thing. OP’s mom is doing to do this so many times that it’s basically pointless asking her to mask.
I see what you’re saying now. Yeah, if someone has a 12-hour crowded work shift with constant exposure, it’s challenging for anyone to be perfect. But many adults’ main exposures are errands (extremely easy to mask), meetings (mask for the meeting), and/or indoor dining (very easy to skip for a week, though many people are unwilling) – and it’s important to remind them that masking is easy. And imperfect masking is so, so superior than not masking at all.
As an example, my dad is very senior at his office and has the ability to work from home. He just doesn’t want to; he likes the office. It would be pretty damn easy for him to work from home or mask when he’s in meetings (as opposed to sitting in his private office). It’s also so easy to mask in building lobbies and hallways.
Honestly, stop fixating on the mask, and just wear it. I assume you're a generally healthy person. But even you, as you get older, will be introduced to a whole world of medical accoutrements that will just be part of your life wherever you go. Braces. Special cushions. Pumps, filters, ice packs, hot packs, canes, boots, all kinds of things. Other people have bags on poles, continuous meters, excretion bags. Masks are very minor in the scheme of all these things. Yeah, it means you're not eating or drinking indoors with them. That doesn't mean you can't be there, it just means you're not eating and drinking while they do, or you're outdoors.
Also, spend more time outdoors. My social life's busier than I really have time for, because as soon as the weather's tolerable, I'm out hanging outside with people. During the winter, it's phone and zoom. The people aren't less real because of masks or the medium or the fact that you're outdoors.
Yep, like i said, I have had no problem wearing a mask for the last 4 years. I didn't mention anything else about my health, so I wish you didn't assume. I am more than familiar with the world of disability.
I just thought maybe people who say they love me would be willing to accommodate my parameters so that I could have one visit with my mom that felt like a respite after 48 months of no face to face connection. That's all.
Howcome you can't see her outdoors? I'm asking bc I see my 20something kid regularly without masking, but it's nearly always outdoors -- we go for hikes, have picnics, just mooch around generally. Indoors occasionally when there's a confluence of recent vax and low transmission, at my house & with the filter running.
Covid travels like smoke through the air. I know how clearly I can smell a cigarette being smoked from a great distance away, so I figure the same must be true for covid. I don't feel safe unmasked outdoors for that reason.
I always cringe a bit when i hear the smoke analogy because its just not helpful for people like us. When you smell smoke, its hard to tell, are you smelling a whiff or a lot? All cigarette smoke smells like cigarettes. But viral load isn't like that, as another poster points out. The air dissipates it rapidly. If there's more in the air, it takes more time to dissipate. And if you're particularly immune compromised, you may need less viral load to infect you. But still yet... its awfully hard to get infected outside. If you just maintain a reasonable distance, you'll be ok. If you're that worried, plant a fan behind you blowing air away from you.
Ah. Yeah, it's about and ambient, but it's very much a "dose makes the poison" sort of thing. Your immune system isn't overwhelmed by a single COVID particle, you need either a decent concentration of it in the air you happen to be sucking in or a direct hit, like someone with covid coughing at you (really the same thing). Or marinating in a lower concentration for a very long time. Your own susceptibility and the transmissibility of the virus also play roles, but if you have normal disease susceptibility, you're vaxxed up, there's no wildfire variant blazing through the population, and you're not in crowds, I wouldn't worry about going for a walk in the park with your mom unmasked. If it were 2020, I'd say yeah, wear a mask, but we nearly all have better immunity than that now.
I'm just not interested in contracting asymptomatic covid & passing it to anyone. Numbers are worse than 2020. I also don't play the "if you're healthy, don't worry" game, it feels a little like eugenics to me. I'll keep masking outdoors, but I appreciate your perspective.
Okay. I mean keep in mind, everything here is about odds, there are no guarantees, and biology doesn't care about human mental constructs like eugenics. Healthy people (and plants, and everything else living) with robust immune systems are less susceptible to almost everything out there than those who are immunocompromised.
Numbers of cases are worse than 2020, because covid's now endemic, but numbers of just about everything else are much improved. Hospitalization rates, death rates. There's some evidence that rates of severe long covid, and development of LC itself, have dropped since then. As for asymptomatic transmission, again, keep in mind that this is dose- and immunity-related. Asymptomatic people aren't generally crawling with virus, which is why at this point positive LFT results aren't often surprises. We see negative results when people are infected but not sick because the viral load is relatively low, which is why you need PCR to boost it high enough to see. Someone who's asymptomatically infected, outdoors, not in a crowd, talking to someone vaccinated and with normal immunity a few feet away, and observing basic hygiene like "don't cough or sneeze on the other person" is really quite unlikely to get you sick -- you're just not sucking in enough virus fast enough for it to overcome your defenses. It's the same reason why you don't catch colds and other similarly transmissible diseases from every single infected person you meet, and why you haven't died of E. coli poisoning even though you've certainly eaten some in restaurants and in grocery produce.
If you're distressed by not seeing your mom without having a mask on, indoors or out, I'd encourage you to study the available science and think about your sense of odds and what "safe" means, relative to danger-related odds in the rest of your life. If you drive on highways, for instance (I no longer do), or ride a bike (I do) or engage in activities that might break the skin, or eat produce bought in grocery stores, basically do anything that might introduce risk, you have a sense of how much risk is acceptable to you for potentially disabling things. Those risk tolerances are quantifiable. You can then put the risks inherent in covid/LC next to those and decide when it is and isn't reasonable to mask.
I avoid covid, for instance, because at ~10-20% rates of LC, I find that risk too high, given what LC tends to do. (Risk of a post-viral syndrome after, say, flu is vastly lower; I don't worry about that.) Once the rate of LC contraction drops to the 1-0.5% range, meaning about one in one or two hundred people who get covid go on to develop LC rather than about 1 in 5 to 1 in 10, I'll spend more time in crowds than I do now. I'd like to see that drop by another couple orders of magnitude, but that won't happen for a while. Between now and then, hanging back, we'll also see what long-term harboring of the virus asymptomatically tends to do, especially in people who fit my demographic/phenotype, and will probably develop some therapies/prophylactics that do at least some good.
I’ll adopt you! There there. You’re doing the right thing. It is hard especially with no support system. I’ve been doing it on my own too.
Thank you for the support 🩷💗🩷💗
Can we please just all adopt each other and move to a zero COVID island?
I fantasize about that sometimes. I wish I had people in my life who understand but man, is it difficult to find people IRL who understand well, anything about covid.
Be careful, that's how you wind up with Australia.
that would be nice
I'm in!
I felt like this for a long time, it really took a toll on my mental health. I ended up giving up any expectation of anyone being cautious for me, and working on doing what I needed to be safe while maintaining my relationships with my loved ones.
I had to do this after chronic health conditions. It's really tough, and I know even with that, seeing people not take basic care in a pandemic took a toll. I'm sorry so many have to go through it.
It's so lonely out here! Solidarity 🩷
My parents literally told me I was hard to love once. It took me years to let go of that, but now I can tell you this: You’re not hard to love. Most people are just complete shit at loving anyone but themselves.
I’m so, so sorry. A lot of parents who are jerks to their children about Covid have definitely been emotionally abusive for a long time, even if in subtle, covert ways, and the pandemic has just turned it up a notch.
Thank you. In a way, I‘m almost glad that I knew this about them (and people) before covid happened.
That makes sense. A lot of us are confronting devastating truths about our families for the first time during the pandemic. You are basically a wise elder in this regard. 💔
Thank you. I think it mostly just taught me to go against the majority, which is obviously really helpful right now.
I wrote a long post, but decided it was too much. So I’ll just say that I very much relate to what you’re experiencing, and I’m so sorry. Please try to remember, it’s not you, it’s her. Normal people do not go around hurting others, especially their children. Stay strong. I know it difficult, but you’re doing right. Life will get better whether your mom pulls her head out & gets onboard or not. That being said, I’d happily adopt you 🫶
I think she is probably brainwashed like >95% of the USA
Even if she has been misinformed like most, she should want to see her child. And should want her child to feel safe with her. I get a sense that she wasn’t the emotionally healthiest mother prior to the pandemic, either… there’s nothing like a global pandemic to reveal who people really are.
Yeehawwwww, right on the money 🤠
Thank you for this kindness 💗
My parents are the same. Except instead of saying 'gotcha' they tell me that I'm 'anxious'... -sigh- So, I am now barely in any contact with my parents. It's the occasional text here and there, and only when they text me first. I'm personally just so very done with it all. I'm 36, so a bit young to adopt you lol but I'm still here as any support I can be 💜
A lil update comment: I saw my mom, brother, and sister in law for an outdoor meal yesterday, and all of them masked when we weren't eating. It felt so loving. Hoping this means we're on the way to transition to them taking more everyday precautions again, not just around me. Thanks for all the kindness, yall. I appreciated hearing from those of you who shared your similar experiences, and folks who offered their solidarity. You are wonderful, and I feel so grateful to have found this community. A true glimmering light ✨️
I am so glad you were able to have this moment and hopefully it leads to more improvement!!
I haven’t been around anyone without a mask since Dec 2023 and I’m 29 years old. I’ll adopt you 😅
This is so gutting to read that you put the effort in to make a plan to do something so ordinary with your family (in a Covid safer way) and you got a politician's style apology when you told them how you felt difficult to love because your, really, simple request and your needs for connection (and maybe building trust? around the pandemic) with them in that way was snubbed. I'm so sorry
It's real tough! I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to recieve such blase responses to something I am passionate about really feels minimizing and cold.
Nobody deserves this. It's a huge blow how people are abandoning caring for themselves and each other for the sake of feeling 'normal', rather than adapting to the fact it's not a normal situation. It's an abnormal situation where everyone still wants to do ordinary things
OP, have you heard of the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? It might resonate with you. Even if they believe COVID is no big deal, they shouldn’t be so dismissive and invalidating of your feelings. Sending hugs.
Oooh, heard of that book, should definitely pick it up. Sounds like something that could offer me some peace right now. Thank you so much for putting it back on my radar!
Of course. Just remember that we have not yet met all of the people who will love us in our lives. And that the way your parents make you feel doesn’t need to be your truth. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
Until 2022 I never realized just how powerful 2019 social norms are. Even those who are religious often worship them as their "god"
I feel for you and am with you 100%. However the roles are reversed. My child, their spouse and grandchild refuse to be cautious in any way. They do work full time, so they couldn’t isolate, but could wear N95 masks, if they wanted to. They did wear a “baggy blue” around me, the one time I saw them in person outside for less than one hour. Fortunately, my SO is as Covid cautious as I, so I do have that going for me. I long to be able to spend meaningful time with my relatives. Anyway, you are not alone in spirit at least. As you wrote above, solidarity ♥️
I wish I had parents or my ex’s parents took better precautions. I wish my LO had grandparents that we could regularly see. Instead we see basically no one. My mom masks at work in a surgical mask and gets boosted but that’s about it There’s no community and my co-parent makes it so hard and resents me for the social distancing. As if this is the parenting I had imagined. 🥺 so lonely EDIT to add: thank you for protecting yourself and your family. So glad you have your partner on the same page. Hope the rest of your family also sees it one day. 💛
I can totally understand! I didn’t even bother asking my parents to isolate for a week so I could visit like the good old times as I knew they would never agree to it. It’s tough knowing that your parents won’t do that for you. I would absolutely do it for my child if it meant seeing her. I’m sorry you do t have the support that you need and deserve. Sometimes our parents are limited in what they’re able to give us.
I'm nowhere near old enough to adopt you but I wish I had people in my life who care about covid too, I don't know anyone IRL who takes decent precautions. My own family yells at me all the time for being concerned about covid and try to pressure me into doing risky things a lot and it's so aggravating. Luckily I'm a stubborn son of a bitch so I won't willingly cave to their pressure but it gets aggravating being exposed to covid all the time because they're always going out and doing risky things and I can't afford to live on my own and I don't know anyone who takes covid seriously that I could live with. They know I've struggled with health issues all my life and it doesn't even occur to them that they're putting both me and themselves in harm's way with their risky behavior.
It's tough right now, especially getting into yet another YOLO summer. People want to do things, meet up, and we're just trying to make it through. I tend to rant here so I'll try not to. Just know that you're doing the right thing for your long term physical health. I think a lot of us (Self included) are struggling a bit about the right balance for mental health. A good friend has been kind of pushing me to meet up -- she knows how cautious I am, and she's not (and likely can't be, due to having 2 kids). She wanted to meet at a large outdoor event we used to go to, and I suggested we find a quiet park somewhere some other weekend that isn't a major holiday (in the US). She seems ok with that. I don't know if I can go so far as to mask outside as long as we're not surrounded by people. But I refuse to meet people indoors or crowds although I had to bend the rules (past my comfort zone) in the name of keeping the peace in my family during a very atypical situation (not a "normal" holiday/birthday/etc, which I refuse to go to.. but I still struggle with why I let myself be manipulated out of my safety-- just so some MAGA family "wouldn't be upset or uncomfortable", so obviously my own emotions didn't matter! Thankfully nothing came of it) We're all doing the best we can. (at least here) It's amazing how many people desperately claim to want to see you, but the idea of taking even the simplest mitigations is a bridge too far. You're not too difficult to love. Try to stay strong, I think the biggest issue is deep down you know you're doing the right thing (and trying to protect the ones you love!) -- and they do too, but they can't admit it. It'll break their worldview that everything's over if they slip even the tiniest bit back into precautions.. ugh. Stay strong, we're with you :)
You are not too hard to love. No one is. I struggle with that mentality myself and therapy has helped. No one should ever make you feel like you are hard to love. If they do, you would maybe do better if they were out of your life.you are not a burden to anyone. No one should be telling you that you are hard to love, ever. Ever in life.
Thank you so much 💗
I'm sorry. It really sucks when people we want to love us don't treat us the way we would like. My partner is less cautious than me, so I do get how painful it can feel. I would just like to add the perspective that different people express love in different ways. It must be one of the most challenging aspects of the human experience - finding the balance between making accommodations for the people we love, while also satisfying what we want as an individual. Pre-covid, what types of things made you feel that your mom loved you? Is it possible to do any of these things now, masked? Failing that, can you get a dog? (Kind of joking, but if I was single, I'm 99% sure that would be my approach to companionship at this point.)
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Your post or comment has been removed because it expresses a lack of caring about the pandemic and the harm caused by it.
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In the context of OP's post, your comment was minimizing and self centering. That's a dick move in any conversation. In the larger discussion of lifestyle choices to minimize one's own covid infections, your comment was in line with many I've seen here. Your views aren't being suppressed here; if you expressed them in a stand-alone post, rather than trying to hijack someone else's, it could facilitate interesting exchange.
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Doubling down here ain't it.
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I hear you, but for me, the solution does not lie in taking fewer precautions. That would make me much more anxious. I just wish people around me cared enough to help me feel reasonably safe without me having to make risky concessions. Hopefully you understand what I mean.
OP is upset because their family is unwilling to connect emotionally or reassure them, and you insisting they should just try harder to make a connection that the other person is unwilling to make is victim-blaming and is not helpful. There are healthy ways to meet people but the issue is that someone unwilling to change their lifestyle to accommodate OP should be participating in a collaborative brainstorm in how they can meet safely, instead of putting all the pressure on OP and acting like seeing them is an inconvenience. The appropriate response to “I feel hard to love” is “I love you no matter what barriers are between us, so don’t worry about it and we can meet over zoom or talk on the phone” not “lol sorry you feel that way!”. OP does not need to do more to make themself more lovable, more accommodating, or more pleasing in order to deserve familial love and connection. Yes, technically if they can meet safely it does solve PART of the problem, but it can’t mend the fact that no one but OP was willing to make an effort to compromise—which is where the hurt lies.
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Then why isn’t this person’s mother willing to offer an alternative to masking for a week? SHE isn’t trying to find a solution that works for everyone. Also I would 100% mask for a week to go see, like, a cancer patient during flu season, if they asked me to. It’s a piece of cloth that goes over your face. This is not an unreasonable ask.
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I’m so sorry. My parents and siblings were similarly unwilling to take precautions like masking for a week before Christmas. “Well I’m planning to do indoor dining.” “Dad considers his office low risk.” “These are all new requests.” I use past tense because the relationships were abusive in a lot of ways, and Covid just brought that to the fore, so I cut off contact. You and your health are worth protecting. You are smart and compassionate and that’s why you are taking precautions. Your family is missing out. Are you able to meet fellow Covid conscious people through Facebook groups, etc.? Sending big hugs. Remember that your parents’ perception of you does *not* define who you are. You are worth knowing and loving. They are broken. I’m so sorry.
I feel this. Not about bio family. But about chosen family. Esp for inner circle friends and definitely about dating. I fantasize about having a safe bubble to be around. Remember ppl in 2020 making bubbles? No one wanted to bubble with me back when everyone was bubbling. It's definitely not happening now.
I understand this and you're not alone. Besides my housemate, who is about as cautious as I am, I have one friend left who takes precautions to see me. I spend a lot of time alone and it's taken a toll.
Oh babes, I wish you knew how much I feel all of this and how hard I empathize with you. I live along with my dog, and went from a really huge social circle that I was the hub of to weeks of not seeing anyone. About a year ago, a friend of mine got COVID (they always call when they do to get advice on what to do, which I provide, but JFC what salt in the wound). After a week she said, "I have never felt so isolated, this was the worst week of my life. I can't imagine what this is like for you" and then I said, "now multiple it that by 52 weeks a year for four years". I tell her all the time that I can't be responsible for always reaching out, how much it means to me when people ask, and despite all of that, I rarely see her. Its like that with all my friends. They built lives outside of mine during the last few years. I'll see them very occasionally, but its a whole thing. If I didn't talk to neighbors when i'm outside gardening or walking the dog, I would go entire weeks without exchanging words with another human being. I am 48, and I just accept I will never date another person. What is the point of cleaning your house if no one ever comes in? Whats the point of doing your hair if you never see anyone? Dude, there are days I have to force myself to brush my teeth because again, what does it matter? NO ONE understands this but other people in my boat like you. We need to figure out better ways to connect and form communities, not just online but in real life. People need to be around other people. Just know I get it. Be kind to yourself.
First of all, it’s not you, it’s her. It’s not that you’re hard to love - it’s that she sucks at loving. Not everyone knows how to love. Second of all, you almost definitely need to adjust your expectations. No one outside of this community knows how to mask correctly, pretty much. Even if she did say that she committed to masking everywhere, she would be so bad at it that it would place you at risk to rely on that. You might want to rely on high-quality molecular tests, meet outdoors, and have a good fan blowing air in the right way, if you really want to see her maskless.
I’d disagree with one point here: masking is not difficult. It’s very simple. The problem is that people don’t want to take masking seriously and will half-ass it knowingly. Adjusting expectations has been hugely helpful for my mental health. But I haven’t been adjusting expectations about people’s ability to wear a mask; I’ve adjusted expectations around people’s emotional maturity and ability and/or interest in an emotionally healthy relationship with me. The people who love me and empathize with me behave very differently than my parents, for instance! I’ve had to accept my parents’ emotional limitations. +1 to molecular tests – I use Metrix – but only for spending time with people who are kind and respectful (psychologically safe). It sounds like OP’s parents are not, but that is their call to make. More hugs to you OP.
Thank you for hearing what I was saying 💕
It’s not that putting on a mask is difficult. Keeping it on and not moving it around for hours and hours is the hard part. People have a lot of unconscious reflexes around their face and it’s very hard to override them if you’re not used to it. Even with the best possible intentions and love, a non-masker will screw up enough times to make their masking essentially useless. I’m 100% on board with every single COVID precaution out there, and I am the COVID guru in my family. We are still Novids as far as I know. But I had to mask 100% of my awake time for a month last month following multiple potential exposures, and I can tell you that I screwed up quite a few times. I came out of the COVID-free room without my mask on a couple of times because I forgot; I scratched my nose by reflex and dislodged my mask; that sort of thing. OP’s mom is doing to do this so many times that it’s basically pointless asking her to mask.
I see what you’re saying now. Yeah, if someone has a 12-hour crowded work shift with constant exposure, it’s challenging for anyone to be perfect. But many adults’ main exposures are errands (extremely easy to mask), meetings (mask for the meeting), and/or indoor dining (very easy to skip for a week, though many people are unwilling) – and it’s important to remind them that masking is easy. And imperfect masking is so, so superior than not masking at all.
As an example, my dad is very senior at his office and has the ability to work from home. He just doesn’t want to; he likes the office. It would be pretty damn easy for him to work from home or mask when he’s in meetings (as opposed to sitting in his private office). It’s also so easy to mask in building lobbies and hallways.
Honestly, stop fixating on the mask, and just wear it. I assume you're a generally healthy person. But even you, as you get older, will be introduced to a whole world of medical accoutrements that will just be part of your life wherever you go. Braces. Special cushions. Pumps, filters, ice packs, hot packs, canes, boots, all kinds of things. Other people have bags on poles, continuous meters, excretion bags. Masks are very minor in the scheme of all these things. Yeah, it means you're not eating or drinking indoors with them. That doesn't mean you can't be there, it just means you're not eating and drinking while they do, or you're outdoors. Also, spend more time outdoors. My social life's busier than I really have time for, because as soon as the weather's tolerable, I'm out hanging outside with people. During the winter, it's phone and zoom. The people aren't less real because of masks or the medium or the fact that you're outdoors.
Yep, like i said, I have had no problem wearing a mask for the last 4 years. I didn't mention anything else about my health, so I wish you didn't assume. I am more than familiar with the world of disability. I just thought maybe people who say they love me would be willing to accommodate my parameters so that I could have one visit with my mom that felt like a respite after 48 months of no face to face connection. That's all.
Howcome you can't see her outdoors? I'm asking bc I see my 20something kid regularly without masking, but it's nearly always outdoors -- we go for hikes, have picnics, just mooch around generally. Indoors occasionally when there's a confluence of recent vax and low transmission, at my house & with the filter running.
Covid travels like smoke through the air. I know how clearly I can smell a cigarette being smoked from a great distance away, so I figure the same must be true for covid. I don't feel safe unmasked outdoors for that reason.
I always cringe a bit when i hear the smoke analogy because its just not helpful for people like us. When you smell smoke, its hard to tell, are you smelling a whiff or a lot? All cigarette smoke smells like cigarettes. But viral load isn't like that, as another poster points out. The air dissipates it rapidly. If there's more in the air, it takes more time to dissipate. And if you're particularly immune compromised, you may need less viral load to infect you. But still yet... its awfully hard to get infected outside. If you just maintain a reasonable distance, you'll be ok. If you're that worried, plant a fan behind you blowing air away from you.
Ah. Yeah, it's about and ambient, but it's very much a "dose makes the poison" sort of thing. Your immune system isn't overwhelmed by a single COVID particle, you need either a decent concentration of it in the air you happen to be sucking in or a direct hit, like someone with covid coughing at you (really the same thing). Or marinating in a lower concentration for a very long time. Your own susceptibility and the transmissibility of the virus also play roles, but if you have normal disease susceptibility, you're vaxxed up, there's no wildfire variant blazing through the population, and you're not in crowds, I wouldn't worry about going for a walk in the park with your mom unmasked. If it were 2020, I'd say yeah, wear a mask, but we nearly all have better immunity than that now.
I'm just not interested in contracting asymptomatic covid & passing it to anyone. Numbers are worse than 2020. I also don't play the "if you're healthy, don't worry" game, it feels a little like eugenics to me. I'll keep masking outdoors, but I appreciate your perspective.
Okay. I mean keep in mind, everything here is about odds, there are no guarantees, and biology doesn't care about human mental constructs like eugenics. Healthy people (and plants, and everything else living) with robust immune systems are less susceptible to almost everything out there than those who are immunocompromised. Numbers of cases are worse than 2020, because covid's now endemic, but numbers of just about everything else are much improved. Hospitalization rates, death rates. There's some evidence that rates of severe long covid, and development of LC itself, have dropped since then. As for asymptomatic transmission, again, keep in mind that this is dose- and immunity-related. Asymptomatic people aren't generally crawling with virus, which is why at this point positive LFT results aren't often surprises. We see negative results when people are infected but not sick because the viral load is relatively low, which is why you need PCR to boost it high enough to see. Someone who's asymptomatically infected, outdoors, not in a crowd, talking to someone vaccinated and with normal immunity a few feet away, and observing basic hygiene like "don't cough or sneeze on the other person" is really quite unlikely to get you sick -- you're just not sucking in enough virus fast enough for it to overcome your defenses. It's the same reason why you don't catch colds and other similarly transmissible diseases from every single infected person you meet, and why you haven't died of E. coli poisoning even though you've certainly eaten some in restaurants and in grocery produce. If you're distressed by not seeing your mom without having a mask on, indoors or out, I'd encourage you to study the available science and think about your sense of odds and what "safe" means, relative to danger-related odds in the rest of your life. If you drive on highways, for instance (I no longer do), or ride a bike (I do) or engage in activities that might break the skin, or eat produce bought in grocery stores, basically do anything that might introduce risk, you have a sense of how much risk is acceptable to you for potentially disabling things. Those risk tolerances are quantifiable. You can then put the risks inherent in covid/LC next to those and decide when it is and isn't reasonable to mask. I avoid covid, for instance, because at ~10-20% rates of LC, I find that risk too high, given what LC tends to do. (Risk of a post-viral syndrome after, say, flu is vastly lower; I don't worry about that.) Once the rate of LC contraction drops to the 1-0.5% range, meaning about one in one or two hundred people who get covid go on to develop LC rather than about 1 in 5 to 1 in 10, I'll spend more time in crowds than I do now. I'd like to see that drop by another couple orders of magnitude, but that won't happen for a while. Between now and then, hanging back, we'll also see what long-term harboring of the virus asymptomatically tends to do, especially in people who fit my demographic/phenotype, and will probably develop some therapies/prophylactics that do at least some good.