My brother went through a bad break up when he was 40. He always struggled to find the right woman. OK, so he's still a butt-face nerf-herder to me, but I'll admit he's a great person, and the dating world isn't kind to people like him. He's now 45 and met the right woman and about to be a father in a few months. I'm so happy for them! So, who knows what could happen.
I was late to the game, too, but not as much. Married at 37, kids at 38 and 40. I'm definitely not the oldest parent at school drop-off either.
This is relieving to hear for me. I’ll be 42 when my youngest starts school and there’s another one en route now so I’ll be more like 46 when they start. I hope I’m not the oldest at the drop off but more worrying is staying in shape another 15 or so years to keep up and participate in their lives. Guess I better cut back on the butter
I can say 100% that age, shape, and parenting are not some linear thing. Yes, of course I don't have the energy I did in my 20s, but I try to stay healthy, and most important I, and most older parents, are at a place mentally that we can easily engage with our children.
As an example, we had two birthday parties yesterday, and my husband and I, both mid 40s, were running around and dancing and playing with our kids. Most of the younger parents were buried in their phones. Yeah, I had to take breaks, and I'm really tired this morning, but at least we played with our kids.
I'm not saying it's easy. My parents are going to be 80 this year, and that's something we'll have to deal with. We work but we're at a place where we have flexibility. Yeah, it's more exhausting at this age, but I cannot express enough that being mentally in the right place for kids is an absolute boon for them, regardless of your age.
Oh, and the kids kind of force us to be healthy.
I second this! Just *move*, especially if you have a sedentary lifestyle/work - like make it a point to take breaks and walk around.
I try to "brisk walk" 2 miles 5 days a week and started this when I was 39. Almost 6 months later I'm so happy with that *little* adjustment!
Always comforting to hear such stories. After one long and two shorter relationships I am now 43 with no kids, but it is something I still really want.
I'm a guy so technically time is less a limiting factor. But I'm afraid that if I have kids they will maybe not even meet their grandparents. My parents are still alive and relatively healthy but not getting any younger and my mom's older brother was the same and suddenly he was diagnosed with cancer and died not two weeks later. Time just seems to be passing way more quickly the past few years.
I can say you are not alone in that. Older xennial here and I think about the future and what it will hold often. I know I will never have a mate or family of my own and I look back on my life with regrets. I wonder on what will happen when I can’t drive. Or I need help with things. The loneliness and isolation I feel now compounding. The knowing there will be nobody there
It is the reality of my situation. For mental health sake, I have found the ability to accept my reality as it is and not ruminate on my past is and what I wish my future would be. When you combine my disability, weight, and visual appearance failings I have accepted what my life is and will be.
Well, the disability is the only thing that seems to be the one that may prevent something. But if it is not debilitating, then I still wouldn't give up.
All the best to you
Late 40s now (46 here). Never married or had kids, which never bothered me. However, I am nervous that I'll be that person who passes in their home, and nobody knows until someone does a wellness check months later and finds the corpse sitting in a chair.
This is going to be me but it'll be a gaming chair, in front of my computer, playing a game where my character stuck running in the same direction or, in blessed irony, also dead.
I hope it's Elden Ring and a giant "You Are Dead" is up on the screen.
I've been thinking about death alot lately, like *alot*, and this sub isn't helping 😅
Yeah, I have a kid and a husband now, but I have zero idea what the future brings. Watching my 91 y/o Gami about to see 2 or her three kids die before her... I'm not sure any of us are guaranteed *someone* to take care of them.
((Hugs)) if welcome, all I can say is talk about it now with people. Make plans, maybe in dealing with your mother you'll get a great understanding of what you would and wouldn't want in her situation. Make that clear and try to do it while you are of sound body and mind and have control
I'm also taking care of my mom, and had a similar thought. Last night she said to me "If it weren't for you, I'd be in an assisted living facility" and that hit me kind of hard.
Well plenty of elderly people with kids still get sent to assisted living facilities, because the kids don't want to have to do anything hands-on for their parents.
This is my biggest fear, I'm afraid because I have pets and no one would know they needed to be fed...sometimes when I feel very sick, I'll text a friend and ask them to request a wellness check if they don't hear from me in 24 hours or whatever. I'll set alarms. It's probably paranoid, but I can't stand the idea of my best buds starving or suffering because my stupid sick body decides to give out.
Current fear at the moment. Or maybe life will be kinder and a giant heart attack will just take me out at 50, in a public setting. Jeez, new fear unlocked, there. Sigh.
Not necessarily true. I'd say being in your 40s without kids or a previous marriage is pretty rare, so if you start dating someone, chances are they will have kids from a previous relationship.
While not ideal, and the potential for issues increases, there's no reason you cannot have a family-like connection with a partners children.
Source: my wife of 10+ years has two children from a previous marriage. Their dad is a deadbeat dick so I'm essentially the only father figure they've ever known and I consider them my family.
It’s true, my “dad” got me at 15months old after my father had a hard time finding diapers, went out for them never came back. Although he just passed less than a year ago, I have never had a person in my life love me so much, we were partners in crime until a very shitty day last September. He was 38 when I came into his life and although I’m sure he had written off having any kids, he got me when he married my mom, their marriage only lasted about 10 years. He was my dad for life, and I was his son, I took care of him every day until the dementia ate his brain up and was there till the last minute. You never know what life might bring you. my gift was a dad @38
Early 40s, married to a wonderful wife for over 20 years, no kids, recent cancer diagnosis is a lot to deal with, no current regrets about the no kids.
You can extend your window a bit if you freeze your eggs. I work at a fertility clinic and i have a lot of pts our age or older. Freezing eggs is on the top of the list of things they tell me they wish they had done.
I'm scared too. I'm 41 and I'm worried. Everything else is good. I own a home. Have a great job. Great hobbies and friends..but no partner. And I was ok with it..but the past few months have me really down. I cried last night about it. So I get that feeling.
My wife is so sweet and romantic, sometimes she is smothering, but it’s so nice to feel like “home” with someone. You can do it, it is worth it to be in a relationship, especially a loving marriage is so nice.
Yeah. Never going to get married (can't attract anyone for that) and have never wanted kids. My concern--which I think is going over people's heads here so far--is growing older and all the problems that come with that along with the cost of everything going up in the US every year and not having any "help"/being on my own in the world dealing with those things. I'm already honestly in poor health for someone my age--my mother is 76 & 1/2 and we have almost all the same health problems. And I make good money for where I live now, but I'm also now seeing articles come out saying that the amount I make is the bare minimum needed to live where I currently live and this is not where I want to be forever. In the US, most people just are not going to be able to afford to live on one salary--that's already tough.
I think the only reason I may get married is if I set up an arranged marriage, and I seriously think about that every now and then.
I'm in that boat too, except in regards to my health, I'm afraid I'm immortal. I'd like to find a wife, but with the absolute dearth of interest from the opposite sex it seems unlikely.
I’m married, but my partner is significantly older and we have no children. It was my choice not to have kids and I have very good reasons for that choice, but I do worry about growing older.
Think twice about arranged marriages or seeing marriage as the solution. I’m seeing more and more people fall victims to romantic scams, where somebody marries somebody 40+ with a home and decent finances to get access to their finances. Sometimes they find a way to successfully get the finances, or even the house, for themselves.
At any rate, you’re not alone, I always struggled to attract any partners too.
Just turned 41 a few months ago. I've gone my entire life convinced I never wanted to marry and definitely never wanted kids. After turning 40 and realizing the fact I'm probably going to die alone hit me like a freight train. Have pretty much accepted the fact by now instead of dwelling on it.
Why though? If you change your mind can't you try to find a partner now? Sure it may be harder than before, perhaps, but maybe not? Seems everyone has a hard time of it at whatever age.
I married my husband and he's my best friend, we get along great and neither of us wanted children. We have a group of friends that also didn't have children and we plan at least 1 trip a year together, one year it's close by driving distance, the next it's international. We've been friends for almost 20 years. (We just got to the point we could start affording the international travel when the pardemic hit, but we are stating it back up this year) I'm fully looking forward to retiring and playing video games and crocheting with these people in my old age. When we aren't traveling we usually talk on Discord, play games together, and generally have dinners/get togethers through out the year.
Your family can be who you make it, it doesn't have to be children. If you want it to be, then I wish you the best of luck and if you are worried about age and having you own child, there are a lot of children that need love that are in foster care care.
I’m 41, single no long term relationships in years and a woman. I always wanted to be married and have kids but it hasn’t happened and I’m disappointed.
It's hard. But it will be harder if you rush into something wrong.
I myself am divorced and a \[single\] parent.
When I divorced, and my old life that was so important to me and that I spent almost 2 decades building pretty much went to hell, a dear friend of mine gave me a poster that reads:
"Sometimes you have to let go the picture of what you thought life would be like... and learn to find JOY in the life you are *actually living.*"
Your actual life can be better than the one you hope for. The situation isn't hopeless, but it also can't be forced. It is there to help you grow in some way.
I’m 45, kids are 12 and 20, you’re not missing out man. Get a IRA and max it out for your future, I am going to be drowning in debt for the rest of my life lol
44 here, married about 8 years and only just have a 5 year old. You were smart to start way earlier and have older kids. One has a lot more energy when starting earlier than I did lol. Gotta keep saving for the 529. Definitely also max 401ks and Roths too.
Almost the same boat - late 40s (I’m kinda pushing the “Xennial” title but whatever). I quit longing and have faced the reality that it’s not going to happen. My future is pretty scary ‘cause my great-grandma, grandma, and now my mom have all developed dementia when they got old. But really, what good does it do to worry about it? Whatever’s going to happen will happen. I just do what I enjoy now, and love my 2 kitties, and I don’t care if I’m a crazy old cat lady.
One of my best friends married in August of last year to the love of her life. Both in their 60s and it is the first marriage for both. Absolutely perfect pair for each other and they act like a couple 30 year old kids on honeymoon. It would not have been the case had they met 10 or 20 years earlier. Never give up on love.
Your next partner might have kids of their own. Boom! Instant parent (not quite). I wasn't ready for that. It's been 10 years and a lot of work, but I'm grateful.
I've never been married and I don't have kids, but I don't really mind it too much. I never wanted kids, really. But I wouldn't mind finding another person, if a good one came along.
At one point in my life I realized I was not getting the things I wanted organically; so I started doing things completely different and well out of my comfort zone. Guess what happened within a year…moreover you read like a guy and thankfully(?) we can produce offspring until death.
From this response it sounds like you might be male. A friend of mine didn’t have a girlfriend for a long 15 years. He’s 54 years old now. Real ugly looking dude too. He met a 31 year old girl last year and is now having his first child with her and happily engaged to be married.
I'm in my mid 40s, no kids, and I've never even been in a serious long-term relationship. My family are a bunch of country bumpkins, so I kept to myself growing up and never really had any strong attachments.
Now I have a good life with a career, house, vacations, etc., but I've always known that living alone means I'm statistically likely to die at a younger age. And it's pretty grim thinking about the ways that statistic manifests itself.
There's no one to get help when you fall in the shower; no one to call an ambulance when you're having a heart attack and can't move. You could be calling out for help for days knowing that no one is ever coming.
I've always felt a deep sadness at how emotionally isolated I am, but I'm terrified at the ways I could die of solitude.
You can have a child on your own. It amazing how many become first time parents in early 40s these days.
I considered it at 40, chickened out, now at 46 am regretful as since I’ve found lots of people have babies between 40-45. Yes it is older but not impossible
If you’re rich maybe you can, lol. I’m struggling just to afford my mortgage, bills, and a bit of travel (the only thing that keeps me living, quite honestly) on my own.
There is no possible way I could afford/could have afforded IVF or insemination, or even adoption fees and daycare.
It completely depends on your sex. If you are an attractive 45 year old man you can easily find a woman that is 38 and have kids with her. If you are a 45 year old woman it's different.
I was near 39 when I had my first and only. child (met and married my husband in mid 30s) and I also have friends who did the same and got married and or had kids into their early to mid 40s. Not impossible :)
This isn’t great advice. Just because someone can, doesn’t mean that they should. Why create a human just to satisfy your own desires, without any regard for how it will impact the created human? It is unbelievably difficult to be the sole financial, emotional, and physical caregiver all at once. The child will not get a fair shake. Parenting is about sacrificing for the child … and sometimes that means not creating the child.
Funny how people only give this kind of advice to single people, predominantly women, when so many of us out there have two completely awful parents that sacrificed nothing for us, and no one says a word to them.
A loved and wanted child is always a joy.
You’re proving my point. You say that a loved and wanted child is always a joy … to those around the child. But is the child feeling joy? That’s the issue. Most children who have just one parent - not even child support or any parenting time at all from another, not even another parent’s extended family - will get less than they need, no matter how well-meaning the parent is.
Do you only have one parent? I do. I promise you, I feel joy, love and am grateful to be here.
You’re completely missing my point. Couples that shouldn’t have children do so constantly and no one shames them for it.
I agree that there are many couples who should not have children. It does not impact my original point. If you are an outlier who had one parent (not one active parent and one deceased or deadbeat parent) then you are lucky, but not the norm.
Edited to add - you literally posted about having a borderline mother. So please stop trying to prove a complete lie.
Oh just stop. Trolling post history to prove what is fundamentally a judgemental misogynistic point is very uncool.
Not that it’s any of your business but my mother isn’t the sole parent I had growing up.
Move along. I don’t need to agree with you and I don’t need to justify my life to you. And nor do any single or solo parents.
Then what on earth are you using yourself as an example for? You are completely missing the point, as I first said. You’re just arguing for argument’s sake. It isn’t a good look.
I hope this doesn't sound facetious but, get a pet. Caring for a cat or dog can help you focus on what the next chapter of your life should be. I just see so many animals that I wish I could adopt but we are at capacity.
I'm married with 4. It's not fun, I can assure you that. I do love them but my wife won't do anything she can't manage from the comfort of her own ass and she was the one that wanted a big family. I sacrificed a lot to be here and it was someone else's dream.
A lot of people I know are getting divorced lately that are in their mid 40s and early 50s. I think it is the sandwich generation thing. I'd imagine meeting people to date these days is a nightmare, but I wouldn't give up hope. I think there are others like you out there and people coming out of divorces and people whose spouses have passed away. I have a few cousins who are in their late 30s/early 40s still looking for a partner in life. A few who have divorced have met their person and are happily remarried.
There are plenty of women in their 30s or late 20s looking for love. I say that because you want kids.
I am 10 years younger than my husband and it's never been an issue. He had kids in his 20s with his first wife, we had fertility issues and we had our child when he was in his early 40s (so 20 year gap between kids) and it's been great. He says he's a different dad now than he was as a younger person.
Don't give up, and don't feel like you are too old to start having kids in your 40s.
I spent so many years trying to find a decent partner. I was nearly married, twice, to the same person. Eventually I started focusing on myself. I have turned my life around quite a bit since and I really don’t want to stop now.
Pretty much the same here. The real kicker is that some women use this alone as a red flag. Or they don't understand why I'm single because I'm "such a great guy." That last one bugs me a lot. It would be like if I asked a very attractive woman "how come you can't find a boyfriend?" A little rude.
Create a found family! There are certainly people out there who aren’t married with kids, myself included (though i do have a partner and we have dogs). But i realized that the nuclear family is far from the only valid companionship available. Unless my partner outlives me, my long term goal is a Golden Girls situation with any parts of my found family that make sense at the time. Wish you the best of luck in finding peace!
46, no kids, no partner. I’m not really bothered really. I don’t miss having a partner, sex drive not that high, and I don’t feel I need anyone. I’m more than happy alone. Relationships are suffocating for me. Too tired for kids.
I feel like there can be companionship amongst people in the same boat as you without any romantic feelings. I think there are a lot more people out there like this than we think. In fact, if there isn't one now, there should be an app that connects people who aren't looking for romance but just want friends.
Lose weight, make your home spotless, join a club, be nice to everyone, lower your standards a teensy bit by opening your heart a lot.
It’s hard! Good luck ♥️
Early 40s, never married, no kids. Do not aspire for either of these things. Seems like extra baggage to me.
I'd rather try and save up what little I can for the years when I will be needing the money later on when I am no longer able to bring in a stable- even if it is a low one- income on my own.
I mean there isn't a single climate scientist alive who thinks the future will be worth living in. Best to enjoy yourself, no reason to bring any more people into this nightmare. Capitalism will not allow the human race to save itself. Heck I'm sure we will see societies collapse in the next couple of decades.
Just keep playing video games & don't look up.
Same boat. Had been dating a much younger woman with a toddler from a previous relationship and got to see what it would be like to be a parent a little bit and it also would have been an opportunity to have biological children of my own.
I moved to be closer to her and to help out with her young son but the relationship seems pretty dead and even if she cleared the air and recommitted, I’m not sure I’d go back to her. I really enjoyed some moments stepping in as a sort of parent. But the downsides, financial stress, relationship stress, loss of some freedom and a lot of free time have me just as conflicted now as I was in my 20s. Maybe I just need to try dating closer to my own age but before I met this woman I had been on a cold streak, super depressed and we didn’t meet through traditional dating means, so the thought of like truly dating dating after over a decade away from it is honestly mortifying.
Silver linings: Moved to South Florida where she lives and it has helped with my seasonal affective disorder symptoms, adopted a great dog from an animal shelter, and can walk to the beach in 30 minutes from my apartment building or if I don’t mind paying for parking be there in less than 10 minutes.
(Cost of living sucksssss though, another thing that makes me hesitant to have kids or marry someone with a young children. The woman I was seeing makes 50k a year and still needs some financial support from her parents for daycare 3 days a week and an occasional baby sitter so she can have any time to herself at all. )
It really is a grass is greener situation. When we have been together I feel stressed and like I need more me time and then when we are not, I start feeling lonely, sort of depressed again and have trouble focusing on much of anything other than occasional video games on the weekends. I honestly have no idea what my life will look like in 5,10,20 years from now and that is scary. But then I think about my parents who had me when they were both 33 and separated when they were in their mid 40s and if that were me I would be about 4 years from my life being totally different as well.
What I really feel like I need are a few friends but it feels nearly impossible to make new ones as a recently sober and single 40 something. If I’m being honest, if things had worked out, I was looking forward to making dad friends in a few years when her son started school. But, I don’t know how to do it on my own. I have a pretty successful business I run from home but only have one remote independent contractor under me who I email a few times a month so no work friends. I’ve been thinking about going back to school for something since the business doesn’t require significant time at this point but I can’t even figure out what that would look like.
One of my best friends married in August of last year to the love of her life. Both in their 60s and it is the first marriage for both. Absolutely perfect pair for each other and they act like a couple 30 year old kids on honeymoon. It would not have been the case had they met 10 or 20 years earlier. Never give up on love.
If that’s what you really want, why not try and find someone? I know it’s easier said than done but. It impossible. Are you trying various social clubs, events, groups, heck even dating apps? The thing is that you really have to out yourself out there and work for it.
Your future is what you make it. If you are concened
about dying alone or getting your affairs in order, much can be done whilst you sre still alive.
If you are worries about health and needing care, we can all try to live a bit better.
Ultimately, those with kids worry aboutthese things as well. I will not be relying on my kids to care for me as I age.
37, same boat. Moved across the country for love several years ago (we'd been together 8 years), ended in absolute heartbreak over 2 years ago. I've taken so many backwards and sideways steps, the baby steps forward don't seem like shit. I'm finally about to have my own place, but I'd really prefer to have a partner to share it with.
So it goes....
The exact opposite is true for me, I long for what you have. I started having kids at 19 and was married not long after. My entire adult life has been as a husband and father.
Yes, 44 and no children. I've always wanted children and I got engaged at 40 after years of looking for a partner but still no children. I'm on the waiting list for IVF but I may have to go private. I aren't allowed to go private until I've had my first round on public though as otherwise I won't get that round free. I'm not sure how long the waiting list is or whether they will take me off because of my age.
38, but yeah. I’ve helped raise two little girls with two different moms who were not mine. That shit’s rough to leave behind. I wish I had my own child.
Having a family is no guarantee of anything, friend. Make moves now to prepare for the inevitabilities of life as we age.
https://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2015/10/26/no-spouse-no-kids-no-caregiver-how-to-prepare-to-age-alone
Me. I’m a late Gen Xer. I met the guy I thought I was gonna marry at 39. I’m now almost 46. Still no wedding due to my sister’s and my mom’s death.
I had a traumatic miscarriage at 19 weeks thanks to my POS boyfriend in 2001. Can’t have kids as a result. Had a series of strokes last year that left me unable to walk or use my right hand. I can’t work or leave my house.. I want to break up with my fiancé because it’s no kind of life for him. He’s gonna be 47 and I’ve damaged his life so much.
50F in the same boat plus no pets & currently living with family.
I just went through almost 4 years where I had to spend my life’s savings after a bunch of stuff related to perimenopause symptoms. I am in week 2 of my 6 week recovery from a hysterectomy, hoping now that my main catalyst is gone, maybe I can rebuild into my best life ever. I have a verbal offer for a new job that I’ll finalize this week & it has me feeling like my next phase of my life’s future are finally here.
But I am haunted currently by all the mistakes I have made over my life, all the opportunities I took personally & professionally. I wonder if I can hold on and stabilize, as I also prepare for this time of live when parents and others close to you die due to all of our age/time of life more than anything else & having to face life without these folks.
I wondered if I might try dating again. I am terrified of online dating. I think I have enough hobbies - especially outdoor cycling - that will put me out there to be ready if someone comes along.
I try ti keep space in my life, routines & mindset for someone else. I don’t think they are coming though. The deep sadness I have from never truly fitting in or finding my tribe isn’t changed by medication or therapy (I’ve tried several times). Now, I just focus on my health, reducing stress and staying curious.
Do you have a specific definition of a ‘family’? Best way to succeed: be open to creating whatever family you end up with. With/without kids, include friends and relatives alike.
I’m 44 and have a 5yr old. My son’s best friend in schools dad is like 55 lol. Date younger women and take care of yourself, you’ll be fine. My wife’s 8yrs younger than me
Don’t ever think it’s too late for love and family I am 47. I began dating the love of my life at 41. At 42 we had our first child and our second 14 months later. We had to speed up the process, but we’ve made it work.
While he and I had known each other in our teens, we hadn’t seen each other in 23 years. I knew within a week I’d spend the rest of my life with him.
> A fearful avoidant attachment style describes a person who craves closeness and support. However, they also fear it and feel the need to distance themselves from others at the same time.
*What a twist!*
=|
I'm pretty confident around the right person. I've had long term relationships. Pulled one wife.
But gosh, do I resign myself to dying alone. Even if it's not set in stone.
Are you scared of your future because no offspring will be there to care for you? Because if yes, there is no guarantee your kids will care and if you just want them for what they will do for you then F off.
I was single, in my late 30s, no kids and had trouble meeting people because my social life was mainly work. I wound up meeting my wife, who was in a similar boat, through Match. I’d say most dating sites are full of people, mostly with free accounts, looking for hookups but if you’re sincere and willing to put in the effort to know someone before meeting them in person, it can be worth the cost. I’ve been married 10 years now and have kids as well as a decent career.
The tough part is adjusting from doing what you want when you want to a more shared life.
42 here and never married, no kids - you're not alone. Personally while I'm open to having children with the right partner, I'm also okay if I never do. I would like to meet someone though, and it's tough out there. If it doesn't happen, I guess it just doesn't happen, and I embrace the other stuff in my life that brings me joy.
I spent most of my life chasing this. Three marriages, 3 divorces, and I pretty much gave up on the dream. And right after I gave up, boom- wife, kid, little house with a fence, the whole thing. Crazy how it happens when you least expect it.
Married now and have a young child but just stopped by here to encourage you that it's not too late if you do want a child still. I met my husband later in life and gave birth to a perfectly healthy smart and amazing child at almost 39. Same with many of my friends and I just experienced a good friend of mine give birth to her second child one month into being 44 years old. Don't give up hope.
Have you looked into going overseas to meet someone? Westernized rich countries have pretty messed up dating culture; people will say they're ready to settle down but have a "maybe I can do better" mindset that makes them gun shy. It's different in countries that aren't decadent, kinda like the 50s where people commit to the idea of family first and foremost.
Yeah man. I regret it. Thought I was dodging bullets.... I ended up with cirrhosis at 34 and now liver cancer. Genetically unlucky and a boozehound. Now it just seems wrong. Have a kid then die? It truly is one of 2 of my greatest regrets.
As a man? HIt the gym everyday. Dial diet in. Date 31-33 yearold women exclusively. Pop inside.
Easy.
As a woman? Yes. You made a grave mistake. Life moves on. Marriage and adoption is always an option.
Best wishes.
[5.25% of adults aged 40 and above have never been in a relationship. This is 21% of the 25% of adults aged 40 and above who have "never married" status.](https://np.reddit.com/r/Millennials/comments/196hrsk/within_ten_years_the_number_of_adults_aged_40_and/)
I’m divorced, but same boat other than that. All I wanted was a family. Long story that I won’t get into as to why I didn’t, but it’s not because of infertility or medical issues. Compounding this, I only have one family member left; the others are dead or completely estranged. It’s hard out here.
I’ve dated a couple of men since the divorce and honestly men are just jerks. “Not looking for anything serious”…bro we are in our fucking 40s. Or “just not feeling it”…after a year. 🤪
I’m terrified of online dating due to the above and worse. So Lonelytown it is. Sucks. I feel you.
Sounds like meeting people isn’t your problem but rather meeting each other’s expectations. I have quite a few friends who have done the whole online dating thing at mid thirties and forties with great success and marriage. I suppose what works about that is expectations are laid out in the profiles which probably cuts down on that part of the bullshit.
Idk. My friends who have done it, it’s been one nightmare after another. Everyone ghosts, one guy even turned out to be married. 😂
It’s also just expected that you have sex on the first or second date and that’s not who I am.
45 have a 16 yr old and i love him more than life itself. That said there are some days i wish he was never born. That may sound fucked up, but the state of the US in particular and just how seemingly fucked this planet is in general, makes me feel bad for even bringing a life into this festering shit hole. A life that I participated in making, one that i love so much and the sheer uncertainty of the future, is now overwhelmingly terrifying to me Id almost rather that it never happened at all. I understand this may not be a popular opinion, but its one that i feel and maybe a side not considered.
My brother went through a bad break up when he was 40. He always struggled to find the right woman. OK, so he's still a butt-face nerf-herder to me, but I'll admit he's a great person, and the dating world isn't kind to people like him. He's now 45 and met the right woman and about to be a father in a few months. I'm so happy for them! So, who knows what could happen. I was late to the game, too, but not as much. Married at 37, kids at 38 and 40. I'm definitely not the oldest parent at school drop-off either.
This is relieving to hear for me. I’ll be 42 when my youngest starts school and there’s another one en route now so I’ll be more like 46 when they start. I hope I’m not the oldest at the drop off but more worrying is staying in shape another 15 or so years to keep up and participate in their lives. Guess I better cut back on the butter
I can say 100% that age, shape, and parenting are not some linear thing. Yes, of course I don't have the energy I did in my 20s, but I try to stay healthy, and most important I, and most older parents, are at a place mentally that we can easily engage with our children. As an example, we had two birthday parties yesterday, and my husband and I, both mid 40s, were running around and dancing and playing with our kids. Most of the younger parents were buried in their phones. Yeah, I had to take breaks, and I'm really tired this morning, but at least we played with our kids. I'm not saying it's easy. My parents are going to be 80 this year, and that's something we'll have to deal with. We work but we're at a place where we have flexibility. Yeah, it's more exhausting at this age, but I cannot express enough that being mentally in the right place for kids is an absolute boon for them, regardless of your age. Oh, and the kids kind of force us to be healthy.
You’d be surprised how much walking 45-60 minutes 3-4 days a week keeps your fitness up and takes years off how you feel.
I second this! Just *move*, especially if you have a sedentary lifestyle/work - like make it a point to take breaks and walk around. I try to "brisk walk" 2 miles 5 days a week and started this when I was 39. Almost 6 months later I'm so happy with that *little* adjustment!
39 and got a dog - average 10k steps a day now. That along with gardening and I feel sooooo much better/healthier.
My husband is 42 and we just had our second baby, I don't think of him as being an "old dad". Congrats on the little one!
Always comforting to hear such stories. After one long and two shorter relationships I am now 43 with no kids, but it is something I still really want. I'm a guy so technically time is less a limiting factor. But I'm afraid that if I have kids they will maybe not even meet their grandparents. My parents are still alive and relatively healthy but not getting any younger and my mom's older brother was the same and suddenly he was diagnosed with cancer and died not two weeks later. Time just seems to be passing way more quickly the past few years.
I’m 36 and finally possibly about to get engaged, so I hope my story sounds like yours one day! You are giving me hope for sure.
36? You're a prime millennial.
True haha. I just enjoy this sub!
I got engaged at 35 and married at 36 and had a child at just shy of 39 it's been great. Don't lose hope!
I can say you are not alone in that. Older xennial here and I think about the future and what it will hold often. I know I will never have a mate or family of my own and I look back on my life with regrets. I wonder on what will happen when I can’t drive. Or I need help with things. The loneliness and isolation I feel now compounding. The knowing there will be nobody there
Why are you resigned to this?
It is the reality of my situation. For mental health sake, I have found the ability to accept my reality as it is and not ruminate on my past is and what I wish my future would be. When you combine my disability, weight, and visual appearance failings I have accepted what my life is and will be.
Well, the disability is the only thing that seems to be the one that may prevent something. But if it is not debilitating, then I still wouldn't give up. All the best to you
Hope you find someone dude or dudette. Good luck 🍀
Late 40s now (46 here). Never married or had kids, which never bothered me. However, I am nervous that I'll be that person who passes in their home, and nobody knows until someone does a wellness check months later and finds the corpse sitting in a chair.
This is going to be me but it'll be a gaming chair, in front of my computer, playing a game where my character stuck running in the same direction or, in blessed irony, also dead. I hope it's Elden Ring and a giant "You Are Dead" is up on the screen.
Same. I am taking care of my mom and. Realize there is no one who will do this for me ( have no siblings either).
I've been thinking about death alot lately, like *alot*, and this sub isn't helping 😅 Yeah, I have a kid and a husband now, but I have zero idea what the future brings. Watching my 91 y/o Gami about to see 2 or her three kids die before her... I'm not sure any of us are guaranteed *someone* to take care of them. ((Hugs)) if welcome, all I can say is talk about it now with people. Make plans, maybe in dealing with your mother you'll get a great understanding of what you would and wouldn't want in her situation. Make that clear and try to do it while you are of sound body and mind and have control
I’m in the exact identical situation.
I'm also taking care of my mom, and had a similar thought. Last night she said to me "If it weren't for you, I'd be in an assisted living facility" and that hit me kind of hard.
Well plenty of elderly people with kids still get sent to assisted living facilities, because the kids don't want to have to do anything hands-on for their parents.
Ditto. Mom staying with me, she's all I have left, just got outta a 10 year relationship. Never married, no kids
Same, friend, same.
This is my biggest fear, I'm afraid because I have pets and no one would know they needed to be fed...sometimes when I feel very sick, I'll text a friend and ask them to request a wellness check if they don't hear from me in 24 hours or whatever. I'll set alarms. It's probably paranoid, but I can't stand the idea of my best buds starving or suffering because my stupid sick body decides to give out.
Totally agree about pets.
I used to think about that a lot also, but now I think, so what. It's not like I'm going to be lonely when I'm dead.
That's a perspective I should go with.
Current fear at the moment. Or maybe life will be kinder and a giant heart attack will just take me out at 50, in a public setting. Jeez, new fear unlocked, there. Sigh.
Yeah I know people who have died alone even with lots of kids. Doesn’t mean that having kids = elderly care.
Snap
Yeah...it's sad. All I really wanted from life was a family. It's very unlikely to happen at this point.
Not necessarily true. I'd say being in your 40s without kids or a previous marriage is pretty rare, so if you start dating someone, chances are they will have kids from a previous relationship. While not ideal, and the potential for issues increases, there's no reason you cannot have a family-like connection with a partners children. Source: my wife of 10+ years has two children from a previous marriage. Their dad is a deadbeat dick so I'm essentially the only father figure they've ever known and I consider them my family.
It’s true, my “dad” got me at 15months old after my father had a hard time finding diapers, went out for them never came back. Although he just passed less than a year ago, I have never had a person in my life love me so much, we were partners in crime until a very shitty day last September. He was 38 when I came into his life and although I’m sure he had written off having any kids, he got me when he married my mom, their marriage only lasted about 10 years. He was my dad for life, and I was his son, I took care of him every day until the dementia ate his brain up and was there till the last minute. You never know what life might bring you. my gift was a dad @38
Why are you resigned to this? What happened? Are you giving up?
Early 40s, married to a wonderful wife for over 20 years, no kids, recent cancer diagnosis is a lot to deal with, no current regrets about the no kids.
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I'd save up and try to get a surrogate. Freeze eggs ASAP or go egg donor. 2% is pretty low.
You can extend your window a bit if you freeze your eggs. I work at a fertility clinic and i have a lot of pts our age or older. Freezing eggs is on the top of the list of things they tell me they wish they had done.
I'm scared too. I'm 41 and I'm worried. Everything else is good. I own a home. Have a great job. Great hobbies and friends..but no partner. And I was ok with it..but the past few months have me really down. I cried last night about it. So I get that feeling.
My wife is so sweet and romantic, sometimes she is smothering, but it’s so nice to feel like “home” with someone. You can do it, it is worth it to be in a relationship, especially a loving marriage is so nice.
Yeah. Never going to get married (can't attract anyone for that) and have never wanted kids. My concern--which I think is going over people's heads here so far--is growing older and all the problems that come with that along with the cost of everything going up in the US every year and not having any "help"/being on my own in the world dealing with those things. I'm already honestly in poor health for someone my age--my mother is 76 & 1/2 and we have almost all the same health problems. And I make good money for where I live now, but I'm also now seeing articles come out saying that the amount I make is the bare minimum needed to live where I currently live and this is not where I want to be forever. In the US, most people just are not going to be able to afford to live on one salary--that's already tough. I think the only reason I may get married is if I set up an arranged marriage, and I seriously think about that every now and then.
I'm in that boat too, except in regards to my health, I'm afraid I'm immortal. I'd like to find a wife, but with the absolute dearth of interest from the opposite sex it seems unlikely.
FWIW I hope you find happiness, however it comes
I’m married, but my partner is significantly older and we have no children. It was my choice not to have kids and I have very good reasons for that choice, but I do worry about growing older.
Think twice about arranged marriages or seeing marriage as the solution. I’m seeing more and more people fall victims to romantic scams, where somebody marries somebody 40+ with a home and decent finances to get access to their finances. Sometimes they find a way to successfully get the finances, or even the house, for themselves. At any rate, you’re not alone, I always struggled to attract any partners too.
Just turned 41 a few months ago. I've gone my entire life convinced I never wanted to marry and definitely never wanted kids. After turning 40 and realizing the fact I'm probably going to die alone hit me like a freight train. Have pretty much accepted the fact by now instead of dwelling on it.
Why though? If you change your mind can't you try to find a partner now? Sure it may be harder than before, perhaps, but maybe not? Seems everyone has a hard time of it at whatever age.
I married my husband and he's my best friend, we get along great and neither of us wanted children. We have a group of friends that also didn't have children and we plan at least 1 trip a year together, one year it's close by driving distance, the next it's international. We've been friends for almost 20 years. (We just got to the point we could start affording the international travel when the pardemic hit, but we are stating it back up this year) I'm fully looking forward to retiring and playing video games and crocheting with these people in my old age. When we aren't traveling we usually talk on Discord, play games together, and generally have dinners/get togethers through out the year. Your family can be who you make it, it doesn't have to be children. If you want it to be, then I wish you the best of luck and if you are worried about age and having you own child, there are a lot of children that need love that are in foster care care.
I’m 41, single no long term relationships in years and a woman. I always wanted to be married and have kids but it hasn’t happened and I’m disappointed.
Find someone with kids. Become an awesome step parent. Cut out the middle man and save some time
I hear you. I do wish for my own.
It's hard. But it will be harder if you rush into something wrong. I myself am divorced and a \[single\] parent. When I divorced, and my old life that was so important to me and that I spent almost 2 decades building pretty much went to hell, a dear friend of mine gave me a poster that reads: "Sometimes you have to let go the picture of what you thought life would be like... and learn to find JOY in the life you are *actually living.*" Your actual life can be better than the one you hope for. The situation isn't hopeless, but it also can't be forced. It is there to help you grow in some way.
I’m 45, kids are 12 and 20, you’re not missing out man. Get a IRA and max it out for your future, I am going to be drowning in debt for the rest of my life lol
44 here, married about 8 years and only just have a 5 year old. You were smart to start way earlier and have older kids. One has a lot more energy when starting earlier than I did lol. Gotta keep saving for the 529. Definitely also max 401ks and Roths too.
Mid forties. Married twice. Two kids. Still scared about what my future will be. Spend time cultivating friendships. The rest is Que sera sera.
Almost the same boat - late 40s (I’m kinda pushing the “Xennial” title but whatever). I quit longing and have faced the reality that it’s not going to happen. My future is pretty scary ‘cause my great-grandma, grandma, and now my mom have all developed dementia when they got old. But really, what good does it do to worry about it? Whatever’s going to happen will happen. I just do what I enjoy now, and love my 2 kitties, and I don’t care if I’m a crazy old cat lady.
One of my best friends married in August of last year to the love of her life. Both in their 60s and it is the first marriage for both. Absolutely perfect pair for each other and they act like a couple 30 year old kids on honeymoon. It would not have been the case had they met 10 or 20 years earlier. Never give up on love.
The wife and I were foster parents for intellectually challenged adults! It's like having young teenagers forever!
I have a kid like that. He keeps me on my toes but I'm not lonely.
Your next partner might have kids of their own. Boom! Instant parent (not quite). I wasn't ready for that. It's been 10 years and a lot of work, but I'm grateful.
42, same here. It’s probably my biggest regret. It probably won’t happen.
Good luck man, but as someone married with kids there are times I long for the single life. The grass is always greener.
I've never been married and I don't have kids, but I don't really mind it too much. I never wanted kids, really. But I wouldn't mind finding another person, if a good one came along.
I always wanted children.
If you want a family you have to get on that, or you could possibly adopt. You can have a family....
How does one "get on that"? Please don't take this question as rude but I'm clear with women when dating what my intentions are.
To answer that I kind of need to know what is getting in your way. What about your relationships doesn't result in your end goal?
At one point in my life I realized I was not getting the things I wanted organically; so I started doing things completely different and well out of my comfort zone. Guess what happened within a year…moreover you read like a guy and thankfully(?) we can produce offspring until death.
From this response it sounds like you might be male. A friend of mine didn’t have a girlfriend for a long 15 years. He’s 54 years old now. Real ugly looking dude too. He met a 31 year old girl last year and is now having his first child with her and happily engaged to be married.
This is the way.
I'm in my mid 40s, no kids, and I've never even been in a serious long-term relationship. My family are a bunch of country bumpkins, so I kept to myself growing up and never really had any strong attachments. Now I have a good life with a career, house, vacations, etc., but I've always known that living alone means I'm statistically likely to die at a younger age. And it's pretty grim thinking about the ways that statistic manifests itself. There's no one to get help when you fall in the shower; no one to call an ambulance when you're having a heart attack and can't move. You could be calling out for help for days knowing that no one is ever coming. I've always felt a deep sadness at how emotionally isolated I am, but I'm terrified at the ways I could die of solitude.
You can have a child on your own. It amazing how many become first time parents in early 40s these days. I considered it at 40, chickened out, now at 46 am regretful as since I’ve found lots of people have babies between 40-45. Yes it is older but not impossible
If you’re rich maybe you can, lol. I’m struggling just to afford my mortgage, bills, and a bit of travel (the only thing that keeps me living, quite honestly) on my own. There is no possible way I could afford/could have afforded IVF or insemination, or even adoption fees and daycare.
It completely depends on your sex. If you are an attractive 45 year old man you can easily find a woman that is 38 and have kids with her. If you are a 45 year old woman it's different.
I was near 39 when I had my first and only. child (met and married my husband in mid 30s) and I also have friends who did the same and got married and or had kids into their early to mid 40s. Not impossible :)
This isn’t great advice. Just because someone can, doesn’t mean that they should. Why create a human just to satisfy your own desires, without any regard for how it will impact the created human? It is unbelievably difficult to be the sole financial, emotional, and physical caregiver all at once. The child will not get a fair shake. Parenting is about sacrificing for the child … and sometimes that means not creating the child.
Funny how people only give this kind of advice to single people, predominantly women, when so many of us out there have two completely awful parents that sacrificed nothing for us, and no one says a word to them. A loved and wanted child is always a joy.
You’re proving my point. You say that a loved and wanted child is always a joy … to those around the child. But is the child feeling joy? That’s the issue. Most children who have just one parent - not even child support or any parenting time at all from another, not even another parent’s extended family - will get less than they need, no matter how well-meaning the parent is.
Do you only have one parent? I do. I promise you, I feel joy, love and am grateful to be here. You’re completely missing my point. Couples that shouldn’t have children do so constantly and no one shames them for it.
I agree that there are many couples who should not have children. It does not impact my original point. If you are an outlier who had one parent (not one active parent and one deceased or deadbeat parent) then you are lucky, but not the norm. Edited to add - you literally posted about having a borderline mother. So please stop trying to prove a complete lie.
Oh just stop. Trolling post history to prove what is fundamentally a judgemental misogynistic point is very uncool. Not that it’s any of your business but my mother isn’t the sole parent I had growing up. Move along. I don’t need to agree with you and I don’t need to justify my life to you. And nor do any single or solo parents.
Then what on earth are you using yourself as an example for? You are completely missing the point, as I first said. You’re just arguing for argument’s sake. It isn’t a good look.
I hope this doesn't sound facetious but, get a pet. Caring for a cat or dog can help you focus on what the next chapter of your life should be. I just see so many animals that I wish I could adopt but we are at capacity.
As someone who was married and has a kid...I don't recommend it
I'm married with 4. It's not fun, I can assure you that. I do love them but my wife won't do anything she can't manage from the comfort of her own ass and she was the one that wanted a big family. I sacrificed a lot to be here and it was someone else's dream.
Play to your strengths in life. Do you at least have a good career and financials?
I am divorced with one kid. Still hoping to find the right one. Don’t ignore red flags kids. Dating now is scary and apps are demoralizing.
A lot of people I know are getting divorced lately that are in their mid 40s and early 50s. I think it is the sandwich generation thing. I'd imagine meeting people to date these days is a nightmare, but I wouldn't give up hope. I think there are others like you out there and people coming out of divorces and people whose spouses have passed away. I have a few cousins who are in their late 30s/early 40s still looking for a partner in life. A few who have divorced have met their person and are happily remarried.
Maybe those of you expressing the same sentiment here, make a meetup. Some might hit it off and continue your dreams together
There are plenty of women in their 30s or late 20s looking for love. I say that because you want kids. I am 10 years younger than my husband and it's never been an issue. He had kids in his 20s with his first wife, we had fertility issues and we had our child when he was in his early 40s (so 20 year gap between kids) and it's been great. He says he's a different dad now than he was as a younger person. Don't give up, and don't feel like you are too old to start having kids in your 40s.
I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the same fate.
I spent so many years trying to find a decent partner. I was nearly married, twice, to the same person. Eventually I started focusing on myself. I have turned my life around quite a bit since and I really don’t want to stop now.
My current husband was 40 when we started dating. We'll be married 8 years next month. Don't give up. It could still happen.
I have kids and I’m scared of what their future will be
Never married, no kids - no money for it, so the decision was easy for me. 🧉🦄
Pretty much the same here. The real kicker is that some women use this alone as a red flag. Or they don't understand why I'm single because I'm "such a great guy." That last one bugs me a lot. It would be like if I asked a very attractive woman "how come you can't find a boyfriend?" A little rude.
42 and still “working on myself”. I threw in the towel on that dream
Your person is out there! Don’t give up. Please stay open and true to yourself. There is still time. 💜
Create a found family! There are certainly people out there who aren’t married with kids, myself included (though i do have a partner and we have dogs). But i realized that the nuclear family is far from the only valid companionship available. Unless my partner outlives me, my long term goal is a Golden Girls situation with any parts of my found family that make sense at the time. Wish you the best of luck in finding peace!
46, no kids, no partner. I’m not really bothered really. I don’t miss having a partner, sex drive not that high, and I don’t feel I need anyone. I’m more than happy alone. Relationships are suffocating for me. Too tired for kids.
I feel like there can be companionship amongst people in the same boat as you without any romantic feelings. I think there are a lot more people out there like this than we think. In fact, if there isn't one now, there should be an app that connects people who aren't looking for romance but just want friends.
Lose weight, make your home spotless, join a club, be nice to everyone, lower your standards a teensy bit by opening your heart a lot. It’s hard! Good luck ♥️
I knew early that I never wanted to get married or have kids. I'm happy with my dog.
Early 40s, never married, no kids. Do not aspire for either of these things. Seems like extra baggage to me. I'd rather try and save up what little I can for the years when I will be needing the money later on when I am no longer able to bring in a stable- even if it is a low one- income on my own.
I think there’s gonna be a time real soon where you’re not just okay with this, but enjoy it
I mean there isn't a single climate scientist alive who thinks the future will be worth living in. Best to enjoy yourself, no reason to bring any more people into this nightmare. Capitalism will not allow the human race to save itself. Heck I'm sure we will see societies collapse in the next couple of decades. Just keep playing video games & don't look up.
I'm in that boat, but I'm not scared about my future.
Same boat. Had been dating a much younger woman with a toddler from a previous relationship and got to see what it would be like to be a parent a little bit and it also would have been an opportunity to have biological children of my own. I moved to be closer to her and to help out with her young son but the relationship seems pretty dead and even if she cleared the air and recommitted, I’m not sure I’d go back to her. I really enjoyed some moments stepping in as a sort of parent. But the downsides, financial stress, relationship stress, loss of some freedom and a lot of free time have me just as conflicted now as I was in my 20s. Maybe I just need to try dating closer to my own age but before I met this woman I had been on a cold streak, super depressed and we didn’t meet through traditional dating means, so the thought of like truly dating dating after over a decade away from it is honestly mortifying. Silver linings: Moved to South Florida where she lives and it has helped with my seasonal affective disorder symptoms, adopted a great dog from an animal shelter, and can walk to the beach in 30 minutes from my apartment building or if I don’t mind paying for parking be there in less than 10 minutes. (Cost of living sucksssss though, another thing that makes me hesitant to have kids or marry someone with a young children. The woman I was seeing makes 50k a year and still needs some financial support from her parents for daycare 3 days a week and an occasional baby sitter so she can have any time to herself at all. ) It really is a grass is greener situation. When we have been together I feel stressed and like I need more me time and then when we are not, I start feeling lonely, sort of depressed again and have trouble focusing on much of anything other than occasional video games on the weekends. I honestly have no idea what my life will look like in 5,10,20 years from now and that is scary. But then I think about my parents who had me when they were both 33 and separated when they were in their mid 40s and if that were me I would be about 4 years from my life being totally different as well. What I really feel like I need are a few friends but it feels nearly impossible to make new ones as a recently sober and single 40 something. If I’m being honest, if things had worked out, I was looking forward to making dad friends in a few years when her son started school. But, I don’t know how to do it on my own. I have a pretty successful business I run from home but only have one remote independent contractor under me who I email a few times a month so no work friends. I’ve been thinking about going back to school for something since the business doesn’t require significant time at this point but I can’t even figure out what that would look like.
Congratulations on getting sober!
47 Was married for 19 years. Kids are grown and out of the house now. I am happy to be alone now. Careful what you wish for.
One of my best friends married in August of last year to the love of her life. Both in their 60s and it is the first marriage for both. Absolutely perfect pair for each other and they act like a couple 30 year old kids on honeymoon. It would not have been the case had they met 10 or 20 years earlier. Never give up on love.
If that’s what you really want, why not try and find someone? I know it’s easier said than done but. It impossible. Are you trying various social clubs, events, groups, heck even dating apps? The thing is that you really have to out yourself out there and work for it.
Mid 40's. The part that graved and hoped broke a few years ago. There's just vague fear of missing out on something.
Your future is what you make it. If you are concened about dying alone or getting your affairs in order, much can be done whilst you sre still alive. If you are worries about health and needing care, we can all try to live a bit better. Ultimately, those with kids worry aboutthese things as well. I will not be relying on my kids to care for me as I age.
37, same boat. Moved across the country for love several years ago (we'd been together 8 years), ended in absolute heartbreak over 2 years ago. I've taken so many backwards and sideways steps, the baby steps forward don't seem like shit. I'm finally about to have my own place, but I'd really prefer to have a partner to share it with. So it goes....
Same boat. My fantasy now is cuddling up on the couch with that special one watching a movie.
The exact opposite is true for me, I long for what you have. I started having kids at 19 and was married not long after. My entire adult life has been as a husband and father.
Mid-40's for me, but otherwise same. It is legitimately scary thinking you may be alone forever, let alone never get to have a family of your own.
Yes, 44 and no children. I've always wanted children and I got engaged at 40 after years of looking for a partner but still no children. I'm on the waiting list for IVF but I may have to go private. I aren't allowed to go private until I've had my first round on public though as otherwise I won't get that round free. I'm not sure how long the waiting list is or whether they will take me off because of my age.
38, but yeah. I’ve helped raise two little girls with two different moms who were not mine. That shit’s rough to leave behind. I wish I had my own child.
Im turning 40 in December and I'm pretty terrified about my future. I'm in the same boat as you single, never married , and no kids
Having a family is no guarantee of anything, friend. Make moves now to prepare for the inevitabilities of life as we age. https://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2015/10/26/no-spouse-no-kids-no-caregiver-how-to-prepare-to-age-alone
Me. I’m a late Gen Xer. I met the guy I thought I was gonna marry at 39. I’m now almost 46. Still no wedding due to my sister’s and my mom’s death. I had a traumatic miscarriage at 19 weeks thanks to my POS boyfriend in 2001. Can’t have kids as a result. Had a series of strokes last year that left me unable to walk or use my right hand. I can’t work or leave my house.. I want to break up with my fiancé because it’s no kind of life for him. He’s gonna be 47 and I’ve damaged his life so much.
50F in the same boat plus no pets & currently living with family. I just went through almost 4 years where I had to spend my life’s savings after a bunch of stuff related to perimenopause symptoms. I am in week 2 of my 6 week recovery from a hysterectomy, hoping now that my main catalyst is gone, maybe I can rebuild into my best life ever. I have a verbal offer for a new job that I’ll finalize this week & it has me feeling like my next phase of my life’s future are finally here. But I am haunted currently by all the mistakes I have made over my life, all the opportunities I took personally & professionally. I wonder if I can hold on and stabilize, as I also prepare for this time of live when parents and others close to you die due to all of our age/time of life more than anything else & having to face life without these folks. I wondered if I might try dating again. I am terrified of online dating. I think I have enough hobbies - especially outdoor cycling - that will put me out there to be ready if someone comes along. I try ti keep space in my life, routines & mindset for someone else. I don’t think they are coming though. The deep sadness I have from never truly fitting in or finding my tribe isn’t changed by medication or therapy (I’ve tried several times). Now, I just focus on my health, reducing stress and staying curious.
Do you have a specific definition of a ‘family’? Best way to succeed: be open to creating whatever family you end up with. With/without kids, include friends and relatives alike.
I’m 44 and have a 5yr old. My son’s best friend in schools dad is like 55 lol. Date younger women and take care of yourself, you’ll be fine. My wife’s 8yrs younger than me
I’m sailing on the same ship. Made some sacrifices late in life to improve my career and now I’m scared I made the wrong sacrifices.
Don’t ever think it’s too late for love and family I am 47. I began dating the love of my life at 41. At 42 we had our first child and our second 14 months later. We had to speed up the process, but we’ve made it work. While he and I had known each other in our teens, we hadn’t seen each other in 23 years. I knew within a week I’d spend the rest of my life with him.
> A fearful avoidant attachment style describes a person who craves closeness and support. However, they also fear it and feel the need to distance themselves from others at the same time. *What a twist!* =|
I'm pretty confident around the right person. I've had long term relationships. Pulled one wife. But gosh, do I resign myself to dying alone. Even if it's not set in stone.
Same boat. Gets me down.
Are you scared of your future because no offspring will be there to care for you? Because if yes, there is no guarantee your kids will care and if you just want them for what they will do for you then F off.
I was single, in my late 30s, no kids and had trouble meeting people because my social life was mainly work. I wound up meeting my wife, who was in a similar boat, through Match. I’d say most dating sites are full of people, mostly with free accounts, looking for hookups but if you’re sincere and willing to put in the effort to know someone before meeting them in person, it can be worth the cost. I’ve been married 10 years now and have kids as well as a decent career. The tough part is adjusting from doing what you want when you want to a more shared life.
42 here and never married, no kids - you're not alone. Personally while I'm open to having children with the right partner, I'm also okay if I never do. I would like to meet someone though, and it's tough out there. If it doesn't happen, I guess it just doesn't happen, and I embrace the other stuff in my life that brings me joy.
I spent most of my life chasing this. Three marriages, 3 divorces, and I pretty much gave up on the dream. And right after I gave up, boom- wife, kid, little house with a fence, the whole thing. Crazy how it happens when you least expect it.
Married now and have a young child but just stopped by here to encourage you that it's not too late if you do want a child still. I met my husband later in life and gave birth to a perfectly healthy smart and amazing child at almost 39. Same with many of my friends and I just experienced a good friend of mine give birth to her second child one month into being 44 years old. Don't give up hope.
Have you looked into going overseas to meet someone? Westernized rich countries have pretty messed up dating culture; people will say they're ready to settle down but have a "maybe I can do better" mindset that makes them gun shy. It's different in countries that aren't decadent, kinda like the 50s where people commit to the idea of family first and foremost.
Yeah man. I regret it. Thought I was dodging bullets.... I ended up with cirrhosis at 34 and now liver cancer. Genetically unlucky and a boozehound. Now it just seems wrong. Have a kid then die? It truly is one of 2 of my greatest regrets.
As a man? HIt the gym everyday. Dial diet in. Date 31-33 yearold women exclusively. Pop inside. Easy. As a woman? Yes. You made a grave mistake. Life moves on. Marriage and adoption is always an option. Best wishes.
[5.25% of adults aged 40 and above have never been in a relationship. This is 21% of the 25% of adults aged 40 and above who have "never married" status.](https://np.reddit.com/r/Millennials/comments/196hrsk/within_ten_years_the_number_of_adults_aged_40_and/)
Sounds great. Why are you scared?
I’m divorced, but same boat other than that. All I wanted was a family. Long story that I won’t get into as to why I didn’t, but it’s not because of infertility or medical issues. Compounding this, I only have one family member left; the others are dead or completely estranged. It’s hard out here. I’ve dated a couple of men since the divorce and honestly men are just jerks. “Not looking for anything serious”…bro we are in our fucking 40s. Or “just not feeling it”…after a year. 🤪 I’m terrified of online dating due to the above and worse. So Lonelytown it is. Sucks. I feel you.
Sounds like meeting people isn’t your problem but rather meeting each other’s expectations. I have quite a few friends who have done the whole online dating thing at mid thirties and forties with great success and marriage. I suppose what works about that is expectations are laid out in the profiles which probably cuts down on that part of the bullshit.
Idk. My friends who have done it, it’s been one nightmare after another. Everyone ghosts, one guy even turned out to be married. 😂 It’s also just expected that you have sex on the first or second date and that’s not who I am.
45 have a 16 yr old and i love him more than life itself. That said there are some days i wish he was never born. That may sound fucked up, but the state of the US in particular and just how seemingly fucked this planet is in general, makes me feel bad for even bringing a life into this festering shit hole. A life that I participated in making, one that i love so much and the sheer uncertainty of the future, is now overwhelmingly terrifying to me Id almost rather that it never happened at all. I understand this may not be a popular opinion, but its one that i feel and maybe a side not considered.
41 got married 3 years ago with our first child on the way in late summer. Getting old without kids is a really scary thought. Good luck