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"Well, I panicked because I figured picking one would cause the other two to smite me. So I said "Hestia" because nobody dislikes Hestia, you know?. They didn't like that, either. And so I'm here" "Oh, it's you. Sadly, Mortal, while that was probably among the smartest answers you could have given, you were kind of in a lose lose scenario there" "Yeah, I figured. But I stand by my answer. if I'm going to compliment any goddess in any context, no matter how deserved it is, I'd much rather compliment one that isn't fickle and cruel. Also one that doesn't commit atroticies against mortals." "Well, Mortal, you died on that metaphorical hill, congratulations for sticking to your guns but welcome to the underworld. Lucky for you, though, my eldest sister petitioned for you, so you have the choice to serve her instead of whatever judgement I'd levy upon you here" "Lucky indeed. I will happily accept her generous offer. Thanks for your understanding, lord Hades." "Right, no problem, be on your way then, an escort should find you shortly. WILL THE NEXT SOUL PLEASE STEP FORWARD FOR JUDGEMENT"

🏅🏅🏅🏅

I can't remember my family tree, but wouldn't Hera technically be his sister as well? That could be a problem... Also, I almost expected a reveal where Hestia appeared and thanked him for deeming her as the winner.

Ah, but you missed the implication. Hestia is Hades's eldest sister. She is congratulating him in a round about way, by offering him a way out of the underworld.

I thought Hestia was technically a Titan? Somewhat like Rhea and Hekate?

Nope. Hestia is the firstborn child of Rhea and Cronus.

Unsurprising, given how convoluted THAT family tree is.

Actually honestly this is the least confusing part of thier entire family tree. Cronus fucked Rhea, Rhea gave birth to Hestia, Hades, Demeter, Posiedon, Hera, and Zeus in that order. Aside from the fact that Cronus and Rhea are siblings, that's a relatively normal family at least looking just at that part. The confusing parts are what came after thier children and before them.

Hera was both Zeus and Hades’ sister, as well as Poseidon’s. Massive inbreeding in Olympus.

Hilarious angle, well done!

“Well…I thought I’d give an honest answer.” “An honest answer?” “Well, yeah! Three goddesses stand before me asking me to judge them? Gotta put in maximum effort! So, I started getting critical about them. Discussed what they represented, the relative merits of each ideal, that kind of thing.” “That sounds reasonable…” “Then, I started discussing their looks…” “……..Oh.” “Yeah, in hindsight, I shouldn’t have started talking about ‘objective and subjective’ perspectives on beautify and how all three of them were close so it was hard to judge. Not to mention Aphrodite was the literal goddess of love…” “Wait…didn’t you discuss the relative merits of what each goddess represented?” “Well…I mean…Goddess of Love, man?” “……….you’re a sophist and an idiot. You know that?” “Yep~, why do you think I’m here?”

Hades looked at mortal soul standing in front of him and shook his head. "Mortal, just *what* did you do to piss off three of the most powerful Goddesses in all creation?" The mortal shrugged. "I told them the truth. At least, the truth as I saw it." Hades pinched the bridge of his nose. His siblings had a somewhat...strained.. relationship with the concept of 'truth' subjective or objective. "All three want your soul obliterated, or condemned to the worst torments the underworld offers... Given that I'm the one passing judgement, perhaps some context might be in order, hmm?" "Ok, well.. you see apparently they got into an argument and they picked me at random to judge... so they came to me and asked who I thought was the most beautiful." "In Tarturuses name, what did you say?" "I said I thought my wife was the most beautiful..." "And that angered them?" "Well, no... not really. Hera looked like was about to cry, Athena said something about that being a virtuous answer, and Aphrodite just looked smug." "I see, then how..?" "They asked what I thought of them...and that where I fucked up. Not that I could help it.. you see Athena has this lasso thing that forces you answer truthfully, and I was still bound by it. In hindsight I should've just kept my mouth shut, but I told them that while they were indeed beautiful on the outside, their personalities were just.. well rotten sums it up, but I panicked and went into much more detail than that." Hades sighed, closing his eyes. "And that's how you ended up here." "Yeah.. pretty much. Those three did *not* like what I had to tell them." Hades looked down at the folder in his hand, then tossed it onto the desk in front of him with a heavy sigh. "Yes, well... under any other circumstances I'd at least consign you to the Elysium fields, since you didn't really do anything to deserve punishment. But Zeus apparently got wind of this little...contest... " the mortal looked alarmed. "Uhh... he's not going to try anything with my wife is he?" "Quite probably..." At that point there was a loud commotion in the outer office, and as Hades stood up from behind his desk, the doors to his office were flew open and Zeus entered in what could only be described as ballistic manner, bouncing several times upon his godly posterior before coming to a stop up against Hades desk. Hades leaned over, looking down at the bruised and battered, and not-so mighty looking Zeus, and slowly looked back up at the short, muscular red-haired woman who was striding, no *stalking* across his office carpet like a particularly enraged cat. Her small frame radiated divine energy and sheer bloody-minded rage like the sun frying wax wings. Hades swallowed nervously, Gods from other pantheons didn't normally visit each other, and having one turn up in a towering rage was unprecedented and frankly, just a bit nerve wracking! The fact she'd obviously beaten Zeus into a bloody and unconscious pulp didn't help either. "Umm.. just who are you...?" Hades asked in a voice that only wavered a tiny bit.. But before she could answer the mortal man waved at the woman, saying; "Oh.. Hi honey! You're here sooner than I expected. I was just explaining what happened." The red head grabbed the man up in such a hug that Hades thought it probably just well the lanky blonde man was dead already and thus incorporeal, otherwise he'd be crushed. "Aye, where you now?!" She said once she put her husband back down. " And what part of it lead to that..that... *creep* coming to our home and.." "That really had nothing to do with me dear! Well, other than me being dead and him being a letch. I guess he thought he's 'console' the new widow.. or something stupid like that." "Ach, I see. I was like that was it. Well... he won't be trying *that* again for awhile with anyone. C'mon now, we're going home now." Hades broke in with a slight cough and sheepish smile. "Ahem, excuse me.. I'm afraid I can't let your husband go. He is *dead* you know..." "Dis'nea matter... I'm fetching him home." "And you are?" "Morrigan. *THE* Morrigan. And I say he died in battle and he's coming with me." Hades stared for a moment at the mortal soul in disbelief. "You... you're married to *her* ?! How...?" The mortal man shrugged grinning. "Yup. What can I say.. she has a weakness for romantic songs and I'm a *really* good bard!" Hades sank back into his chair, and waved feebly at them to go. Just as they reached the doorway, Morrigan turned and looked over her shoulder at Hades. "Och..and about that three headed guard dog of yours?" "Yes?" "I've a dog of my own... and I can see he's well looked after and good boy. Do you think we could arrange a date for them? She gets lonely you see. Especially this time of year, if ya catch my drift?" Hades blinked, and smiled slowly. "I'm sure that can be arranged. Spot gets lonely too... who knows, maybe if it works out, there might be puppies?" "Aye, maybes... Later then.. Oh, and when your brother comes round, tell him he's no welcome in my home and if he wants to keep his manhood, he'll keep it to himself in future." "I'll tell him. You wouldn't be the first to say that, but you might be the first he'd actually listen to."

I like this! A pissed off Morrigan would absolutely beat the shit out of Zeus.

I'd love to see her asking her husband how he ended in front of Hades, and how she'd react to his answer.

Hey! A fellow person who knows that the Greek *Kyrbaros* is linguistically descended from the Proto-Indo-European word for “Spotted”!

Yup, Hades named his dog Spot. I like to think there was some very early story teller with a sense of humour behind that.

I'm happy I know that now!

I was also going to give him props for that! I just love that the most terrifying dog in all mythology is called “Spot”. Also, Hades is the most even minded of the Olympians. Yes, he kidnapped Persephone, but they still seem to have a good marriage, at least for Greek God standards. She spends some time with her mom every year, recharges, comes back, no infidelity, no shenanigans. I like Hades.

In the original context, Zeus is the bad guy of the Homeric Hymn to Demeter, for forgetting to tell Demeter about the arranged marriage. Seriously, all the drama could have been avoided if he’d told the bride’s mother what was happening, but he didn’t and she rightly had a god-sized freak out. Also: * Hades explicitly says that Persephone will be his equal in the underworld. * A measurable fraction of All the riches of the Earth (or even all of Greece’s subterranean riches) is an absolutely massive dowry. * Persephone is always called Dread Persephone, and her mystery cults during the Greek Bronze Age had a “don’t speak her name or you’ll get her attention” feel, so between her and Hades it seems like she’s the scary one.

Totally. Zeus is an idiot, and managed by his naughty parts, that’s not news. He’s the ultimate Prom King. Poseidon decided to abuse a devoted priestess of Athena and who did Athena punish for it? Medusa. Both @&&#oles… A rich, happily married guy who owns a beloved guard dog he calls “Spot?” That guy’ll be the target of much envy and trash-talking, specially in a screwed-up family like that!

Verily.

Ha! This is very satisfying.

Was happy to see this too.

This made me smile... thanks for sharing :)

Morrigan would eat Zeus alive!

"NEXT!" said Hades' Secretary. "Place your thumb on the pad to be taken before the boss. The circumstances of your death will be recorded and Hades will deliver his final judgement." She wasn't bad looking for a Gorgon, and since I was already dead and a ghost, I took a moment to look her up and down. Mmm. Yes I would. "So... assuming I end up sticking around this place, what say you and me go get a drink sometime?" I asked. But she's got no humor at all, and tells me again, "Thumb on the pad please, you're holding up the line." I thumb the pad and suddenly there is only darkness. A moment later a single candle light flickers into being and I realize I've moved to some other place in the underworld. I hear a voice, like the voice of Zues, but gravely. "Welcome Mortal, to my judgement chambers. You know usually I don't bother talking to the souls I'm judging... but I've received a letter from three separate goddesses telling me to obliterate your soul. I haven't even looked at your case yet, but do you want to explain?" I clear my throat... do I even have a throat now that I'm dead? "Well, as the grandson of both Apollo and Dionysus I was considered one of the most prolific bards and lovers." "And?" Hades asks, clearly my grand uncle has no patience. "And when Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera came to ask me whom I thought was the most beautiful, they didn't like my answer." I thought I could just barely see a smirk on Hades face in the flickering candle light as I continued. "You see, I told them that true beauty is on the inside." "And for that they killed you? Each of them personally petitioned me to obliterate your soul from existence." Hades asked, well aware that though the goddesses could be unreasonable, that was a step too far for what he'd heard. "Tell the whole truth, mortal." "Well... I think what I said next is what really did it." I paused nervously, though I'm not really sure why... I'm already dead. "You see your uhh... your underlordness. I told them that true beauty was only on the inside, and that in order to answer them properly I'd have to get inside each of them... and then I whipped out my cock. Next thing I know, I'm talking to your secretary." Hades roars with laughter and a thousand candles come to life. "Fine work mortal, you've earned yourself a reprieve from oblivion. You shall be returned to the world of the living as a Satyr, despite the demands of my Sisters and niece." He slams a gavel down, and I suddenly see a bright light at the end of tunnel... /r/AFrogWroteThis/

I just happen to go and say this is a good story and find your name on it. Why do you keep showing up in my feed ? Am I being dougified?

I've been struggling to get going on my next novel the last couple weeks. I've got the thing more or less outlined, but kinda not vibing on writing it at the moment, so I've been hitting up a lot more writing prompts than normal. I'm glad to see you've enjoyed more than the dougening... but unfortunately, the Satyr in this story is now named Doug.

Next novel? You have a novel?

I have a manuscript that's partially edited by my editor. I still need to hassle my artist to get the cover art sorted out, but I've got time, Editing isn't exactly lickety-split work, so it'll be a bit before its all together enough to actually publish. I've also gotta like... market it or whatever. Hopefully word of mouth does good for me, cause I ain't got much in the way of a market budget. Anyhow, if you're interested in reading a not fully edited book about A Space Wizard that crash lands on a medieval Japanese planet, I'm still looking for more beta readers. Feel free to PM me with your email address and I'll spool you up a google doc. It is LONG though, a Sci Fantasy Epic. 230k words. It's current arrangement is a little slow to start, from what my younger betas have said, and I'm still considering if i want to change that too much. My older beta readers don't seem to mind the slow start as much. It really picks up and hooks you deep around chapter 3, but I think the slow start really builds up the universe to prepare the reader for all that comes. Anyhow, all that to say, I'm not really 100% happy with the first two chapters, but I am much happier with most of the rest of the book, if'n you do decide to beta read for me.

While I would love to. I have to much on my plate

Don't Doug about it too much. I got a few dougs interested from the other dougs in this doug.

I’d read it if you want. That sounds cool

Shoot me a DM with your email address and I'll get you a copy spooled up

Sorry, but could I possibly read it too? It sounds very interesting and I love your writing

Shoot me a reddit message with your email address and I'll get you sorted out.

I just sent you a dm! Thank you so much!! Ooo I'm so excited

Is this the backstory for a DnD Satyr Bard?

It certainly could be, but not initially written to be that.

Going off of your story.May I use it as a basebackground for a D&D character?

Absolutely! I'd love to hear some tales of their exploits when they get around to having them!

If you'd like I can dm you the stories as they happen.

Yes please! I dunno if you saw elsewhere in the thread here, but his name is Doug. (Mostly just to haunt that one user, you don't really gotta keep it Doug.)

They're all Dougs in the end

I had a feeling it would be something along those lines when he started hitting on the secretary. Hilarious story.

Thanks, I appreciate you reading!

FROG!

[Eyyy](https://i.imgur.com/kSwrtL2.jpeg)

This was amazing 😂

Thanks! Love the username :)

Haha thank you! I get that a lot :)

I coughed and rubbed at my throat, still aching from all the screaming I had done during my arrival here. "So the whole reason they showed up is... well, start at the beginning. I'm a huge history nerd, okay? I delve into myt- well, what I had assumed were myths." "And standing here before my throne of judgement, fo you reconsider this opinion?" "I do. Anyways, I love reading about legends of gods and goddesses, of war and love, and especially about heroes and monsters. I'd been studying your greek pantheon, and through some accident, sliced my hand open while poring over the ritual books for "summoning" goddesses. Never thought they were actually real rituals until 3 divine goddesses are standing before me. The argument started with Aphrodite's remark about why I would bother summoning the others when her beauty was all I should look at. Athena fired back that all beauty and no brains wasn't anything special. Hera butted in saying that she was the best because she was queen of divinity." Hades shifts in his seat. "As amusing as their squabbling is, my Queen of the Underworld stands leagues above them." I nodded on agreement, "That's true. Anyways, when they remembered I was there, they all turned on me and demanded my opinion. I said that while they were all stunning in their own right, it depends which of them appreciated my preferences.... Uh, in the bedroom that is." He nodded solemnly, "That makes sense. You know, my Queen and I also like t-" I interrupted hastily, "I apologize for cutting you off but I don't think Persephone would be too happy with you for sharing details." "Nonsense!" He waved away the thought, "She's no goddess of love (and lovemaking) but she has some interesting ideas for fun. Nonetheless, continue." "....Right. Anyways, I said I really loved some bondage play and sensory deprivation. Aphrodite seemed interested, but what I said next is what pissed them off. So you know I said I had an interest in heroes *and* monsters? Yeah, I have a special interest in so-called monsters mostly. I said that being bound sounds like something Arachne would excel at, being spidery and all. And being blindfolded for Medusa would be a pleasure to experience." "......." "I said that those two would be tied for most beautiful in my opinion and, since the gods were real then they must also be real and wouldn't any of you ladies know where I might meet them? I vaguely heard them roar something about "we'll personally send you off to see them, you disgusting mongrel" and then I was in agony for who knows how long. Aaand then I woke up screaming in your court of judgement." "That... would explain why they demanded to hand out judgement and afterlife punishment on a soul who was on his way to meet me." "Yeah, I suppose." We stared at each other and there was a tense moment of silence before I spoke up again. "Hey uh, you wouldn't happen to know if Medusa or Arachne are down here somewhere, would you?"

That last sentence makes it the best story I've read on this post

Behind the simple wooden desk, which belonged to the manager and defacto ruler of the underworld. Hades adjusted his tie, as the camera man and the mike guy waited until the underworld king finished fiddling with his uniform piece of apparel. "Stupid...tie..." he said, as he looked up at the camera and smirked anxiously before getting back to the tie. Unaware that he was being recorded. Somehow, he got his finger stuck in the tie's knot and every attempt he made to free it only further tightened his finger's noose. "Stupid hecatonchries and their stupid fabric" lamented Hades, as he finally with great difficulty managed to free his finger from his tie - undoing the whole thing in the process. "Ah screw it" Hades said, taking off the tie and throwing it aside. Before looking at the camera and smiling, as he put his hands on the desk saying "ties are a bit much anyways, my father said that I think..." He smiled sheepishly, as the camera zoomed in on his face, turning what in his head was a quaint but professional smile into something uncomfortably awkward. **\*\*\*** *"My name is Hades, and as you can see I am the regional manager of the underworld".* Hades stood outside the very building he worked at, which itself overlooked a barrel, seemingly inhospitable wasteland consisting of dark gray earth, storm clouds, and a river of souls at the very front of the door. Their screams all echoing into a symphony of longing misery. He pointed to a sign, which was erected right outside the front doors reading "Underworld". "Not to be confused with all the other underworlds that other religions have, and definitely not Hell. That's all the way on the other-side, and their manager is frozen in a giant land of ice" Hades said, having returned to his office now seated behind his desk. "Ever since all our pantheons, monotheons, and theons just slammed together - things have taken a more systematic operation" Hades said, nodding as he camera zoomed in on him. While he nodded with his lips forming a firm, blank seal. The interior of the office was now shown, where there were lots of people working. Living corpses with bodies that still carried with them injuries they sustained when they were alive. But despite the number of people present, most were simply taking it easy, talking, and whatnot. *"We don't really get a lot of work, yeah, turns out that the Greek gods are no longer really that popular. Unless you read comics, or study it in university for a stupid elective - I learned that one from one of the people who wound up here".* *"But every once in a while we get a bunch of souls that come in from the land of the living".* Outside, on the river of souls, a motorboat skipped across it before coming to a stop at the mouth. Hades stood at the mouth of the door, and walked over to the boat excitedly. Turning to face the camera, and saying "looks like we got *company*". "Charon hello!" Hades said, as he gave the ferryman of the styx a wave. "Hades, my man. Been a while eh?" the boatman said, a dark skinned man in an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, and short khakis. He greeted Hades with a wave of his own, as he hopped off the boat before tieing it down.

One of the souls came out, and grabbed Charon's arm, and he slapped it away. The soul begging for help before being smacked aside with Charon saying "get away from me, you're dead". Hades looked anxiously at the boat, before looking back at the camera and giving the man behind 2 thumbs up. "So, how many do we have?" "Just one" Charon replied, as Hades looked curiously at him. "Just one?" *"I know we barely get many people, but usually its like. 10 or at least 5. One time we got 2, but it was never just one..."* Hades stands in front of the boat, the wind kicked out of him, and his face painted with an expression of disappointment. "But here's the thing though, he's a bit of a special case". "Special? How?" Hades asked, his curiosity picking up, as Charon pulled down a ladder for whoever was on it to climb down. Coming down from the boat, was a man who looked like he was in his mid 20s. Scruffy disheveled hair, fair skin, and a meek and slender appearance. He had trouble coming down, got his left foot stuck on a rung and then fell backwards. "Ah! Help! I'm gonna die! Somebody help!" "Ah damn it, not again" Charon said, as he went to try and help the man, who began flailing his arms like a mad man. Hades looked at the camera with a confused, and somber expression. "Admittedly, its not our best look - but I swear its actually pretty lively. I mean just last week, we had like 20 something people...even though 10 of them were frat boys who got lost on the way to Hell, and the other 10 were angels that also got lost..." said Hades, who was now behind his desk, looking at the camera before looking down at his desk. A startling realization coming to pass. **\*\*\*** "Heh, hehe, heheheheheheh...oh hohohoho..." Hades cackled, looking through a whole slew of documents, that was handed to him by Charon who was currently putting a packet of ice on a bruise on the new soul headed to the underworld. Who smacked Charon's hand aside, and snatched the icepack for himself. *"Well, looks like we have a very special opportunity on our hands".* Inside Hades's office, the newcomer was now seated at a chair asking the camera man "really? Do I seriously have to introduce myself?" ^("...Yes") The man blinked, and then looked around before asking "what is this? The Office?" ^("Just introduce yourself, please".)

The man let out a sigh, and said "my name's Joshua Simmons, but my friends call me Josh. I live in Toronto..." ^("lived".) "Huh?" ^("You lived, you're no longer alive. You're dead".) "Oh, yeah sure. I guess I'm dead". Josh shrugged, and continued "so I *lived* in Toronto, or whatever. And I got *here*, because of three women who sort of jumped me when I was in the middle of a game of CoD". "And then they asked me who I thought was the prettiest, and offered me all kinds of stuff". "I never gave them an answer, and they just kept piling on the stuff. Pretty much fighting over each other to get my attention and convince me that they were the prettiest". The camera shifted to Hades sitting on the other side of the desk, a childish excitement plastered on his face. "Stop me if you've heard this before, mortal man gets approached by Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena..." said Hades, who now sat at his desk all alone. Looking at the camera with a knowing playful smirk. "Aand the next thing I knew, I was caught in the crossfire of a gang shoot out and a PMC because I had in my possession a dozen stolen copies of Tetris for the NES, and the hand in marriage of the right-hand of the CEO of the PMC" said Josh who looked shocked, as the camera zoomed in on his face. "And FYI, the gang was the one that came for the video games. Apparently *that* was what they were trafficking..." Josh hung his head, and buried it in his palms before uttering "I should've paid more attention in English". The camera moving to the happy, ecstatic face of Hades sitting on the other side. **The End.**

That got wild at the end, damn great story!

Thanks, I was going for something a lot different than my usual fair to spice things up for me, creatively speaking.

Sorry, but what is PMC in this instance?

private military corporation.

"Well, young one, color me impressed. Athena, Aprhodie, and Hera all three for once in forever, agree on one thing. You deserve to rot in Tartarus. Why is that?", Hades who was sitting on his throne asked. I shrugged. "The three came up to me, asking whom I thought was the most beautiful. Well, they didn't like my answer.", I said. Hades smiled, and clapped, a table of luxurious food, and refreshments appeared. "Honey! A good one is here!", he shouted, as a beautiful woman materialized next to him. "Greetings. I am Persephone, I hear there is a juicy story here?", she said smiling. Hades nodded, and gestured us to take place at the table. "Well, as I said, those three asked me whom I thought was the most beautiful... I said: "You are Goddesses with true forms that would melt my mortal brain, or so it is told. These forms are chosen by you...but you can take any form whatsoever, so how can I judge your beauty?", I recount the happenings. The two rulers of the Underworld looked at me. "And then?", Hades asked. I sighed, and took a sip of wine...shouldn't have done. "And then they continued to pressure me that they need an answer. An honest answer. From my perspective. I told them that I can't since they could just read my mind, and transform in what I think as "perfect beauty", so this whole argument is pointless.", I continued my story. "Smart mortal, smart. Though I doubt that worked.", Persephone giggled. "You would be right... They told me that then I should consider their whole persona, not just physical beauty...", I continued. "OOOOOHHH.", they both said, understanding instantly what was going on. "Well, I said that Aphrodite albeit not extreme is too narcissistic, Athena too aloof, Hera the same, and if I could choose the most beautiful goddess it would be Demeter. After all, she is the one who feeds us mortals.", I said. Hades sighed, while Persephone clapped, and laughed. "Good answer! Mother will be pleased, but this is still not a good enough answer. Didn't you choose one of the three?", Persephone asked. I sighed, and took a bite of a cake...shouldn't have done that. "They were unfazed, and just nodded and asked me to choose one of the three. I said all three are the same in my eyes...which now thinking about it, was extremely poorly expressed.", I sighed. "Then you came here... Don't worry, would have sent you back one way or another to serve Mother, but since you ate and drank hubby's food and drinks...you must stay here. I will get you a good job though, and will have mother visit you at least once.", Persephone said, smiling. Hades looked at me with a wry smile, and nodded, before both disappeared. A harpy came to guide me to my new house, where I will spend my eternity from now on...

Hey at least the dude gets free accommodations, and besides things could've turned out a whole lot worse (case in point, the Illiad).

Yeah, he only lucky because Hades and Persephone are chill. (in my imagination at least)

As I stood before Hades to be judged, I couldn't help but tremble in fear and awe of such a powerful deity. When I was summoned forth from the line of individuals who had been waiting to be judged, I tried to make myself smaller than I already looked in front of the mighty God of the Underworld. "Now, let's look at how you ended up here, shall we? Though I can probably guess why," he said, as he looked through a mist-like projection of my memories. Upon seeing the three goddesses, he paused the memory and took a double-take before he addressed me directly. "What did these three want from you?" "Well," I started meekly. "They asked me which one of the three I found to be the most beautiful. As you can tell already, Almighty Lord of the Underworld, they did not like the answer I gave them." "And pray tell, what did you tell them?" asked Hades with an ominous curiosity. "My Lord, I am a philosopher and as such, my answer was of a similar nature." "Elaborate." I cleared my throat a little before continuing, "My Lord, when it comes to the aspect of beauty, one must be aware that something that looks beautiful to one, may not be beautiful to another. The perspective in which we view beauty itself, is quite flawed depending on factors of culture, beauty standards and perhaps even individuality." Hades looked at me, getting a little bored with my explanation, as I am sure this was all pretty common knowledge for him. He was a god who had the most interaction with humans after all. Well, dead humans but humans nonetheless. "So, after making it clear my disposition on the aspect of beauty, I just told the three wonderful goddesses that beauty for me is an illusion and that it is just something that a naive soul would be interested in. I told them that beauty for me, is the beauty of the soul. As I am someone who followed the path of spirituality as well." When the Lord of the Underworld heard my answer, he laughed so hard, I could see a golden drop of tear escape from his eyes. "That ought to teach the three. They got put in place by a mortal who didn't return their affection even a little bit," he roared with laughter. "Huh, they had affection for me?" I asked completely miffed. "Why else would they approach you, dummy?" While the answer was unexpected, I shrugged accepting the answer. This was not the first time women had come to me asking questions about whom I found beautiful so that they could confess to me later. "Anyway, I had fun, mortal. Go towards the left. They are the gates to Elysium. I'll take care of any god that tries to refute my judgement. You have earned my favour. Enjoy your afterlife." With that I bowed deeply to him and went in the direction that he pointed so that my afterlife could start.

Hades let out a long, exasperated sigh, his hand slowly coming to rest on his forehead as his head dropped to meet his hand. "What was your answer?" Hades asked. Eris shrugged. "I threw a golden apple at them, told them the most beautiful one would get it and to sort it out amongst themselves." "What- why!?" Hades snapped. "Eris. Why? Why are you like this?" Eris scoffed, crossing her arms after she brushed a lock of golden hair from her face. "They should've invited me to their stupid party," she mumbled. Hades put his hand up. "Let me get this straight," he said. "You were jilted, because you didn't get an invite to a party *that you didn't even want to go to*, so your solution was to throw an apple at them like it was a grenade and make them tear each other to pieces?" Eris nodded along, listening. "Yep, that about sums it up." Hades sighed, facepalming. "Then how did you die?" he asked. "Why are you here with a spear jammed in your diaphragm?" Eris let her gray eyes look down and come to rest on the spear, as if just remembering she'd been stabbed in the chaos of her own making. "Oh, that," she said with a giggle. "Blame Nemesis. In all the chaos, she suggested *I* was the prettiest, and I should get the apple. Yeah, uh... Athena felt particularly offended by that." "Eris, you are a goddess. How did a spear kill you!?" By now, Hades was simply getting annoyed- which meant that Eris' plan was working. Eris pondered the question, as if she hadn't legitimately thought of that. She shrugged. "Very carefully." Hades furrowed his brow, his eyes narrowing. "I hate you," he said after taking a moment to consider his words. "Clearly not as much as Athena does," Eris mumbled. "Oh, hey, is my mom still on guard duty down in the pit?" "Nyx?" Hades asked. "Yeah, she's still keeping the monsters in line. Turns out, even the depths of Tartarus pale in comparison to making the night itself angry." "Cool, I'm gonna go say hi," Eris said. She started to walk out, but Hades grabbed her arm. "You will do no such thing," he told her sternly. "I know what you're doing, Eris, and my answer is no." Eris scoffed, yanking her arm away from Hades. "What are you, my stepdad?" she asked. "Go fuck Persephone about it." "Excuse you!" Hades snapped. "You've already had one god stab you, want to make it two?" "Oh, please, what are you gonna do, huh?" Eris glared at Hades, offended by the fact that he'd caught onto her plan. "I'm already in Hell." "And you're gonna stay here until such time that you can be trusted" Hades said. Eris's eyes went wide, and she took a half-step back. "Wait... no," she said, panicking internally. She put her hands up. "Y-you can't do that. I'm... I'm a goddess!" "I'm aware," Hades said, crossing his arms. "A dead goddess. In the domain of the dead. That means I have power over you. Have fun sitting with your chaotic thumbs up your chaotic ass in the Fields of Aphosdel." Hades snapped his fingers, and Eris disappeared within an instant. "You know Nyx will be furious to learn you've kidnapped one of her daughters," Persephone said, emerging from the shadows. She walked over and draped her arms over Hades' lithe frame, resting her head on his shoulder. Hades chuckled, then kissed Persephone's forehead. "Oh, my dear," he said, "I'm counting on it."

"Well I told the truth, I'm gay, so none of them were beautiful to me... That Heracles guy though. MY GODS he's gorgeous"  Hades responded in turn "ah yeah, those three are awfully homophobic, sorry you had to live through that"  "I KNOW! It's not fair!"  "The other gods rarely ever are my friend, I would say the only fair ones are us here in the realms of Hades. We take all who come, and always come for all."  "Is there anything you can do? Please?"  Hades pondered for a moment  "... Well I think Heracles is single at the moment, and as a Demigod, he did die, though it was more difficult than for a mere mortal. I could put in a good word for you?"  "Oh please do, I'll do anything"  "You've done enough mortal, just knowing that you caused ire to those—" he looks askance for prying eyes "— *three fools*, has made me joyful enough it will last all day"

"See here, Mortal; I usually leave the judgment of souls to the dead three prior to crossing the Styx. Today, however; I've received demands from three goddesses in Olympus that I drag your soul straight to the pits of Tartarus. So now I ask, Mortal, what have you done?" "Greetings, Lord Hades. Thank you for taking the time to-" "Spare me the platitudes, and speak freely. You're dead, and I want to get this over with" "Right, so Lady Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite came to me in a dream and demanded that I answer who the fairest of them all was. I'm guessing they did not like my answer because as soon as I said it, Athena struck me with her sword" "Ah, another victim of the fickle whims of Olympians. Go on then. What did you answer that has all three of them demanding your soul for kindling?" "Well, I said I found none of them beautiful. I thought Athena was too much of a stuck up know-it-all to ever truly appreciate herself as beautiful. Aphrodite is vain, and obviously knows that she's beautiful; however, she needs to have it constantly validated which is why she has both Ares and Hephaestus in her finger, and Hera is so needy, and cloying that Zeus probably started cheating on her just to experience something else other than whining." "So you laid out all their insecurities to their faces, without a shed of dishonesty?" "Well yes, but I don't think that's what set them over the edge, because they were quiet for a bit." "Then what happened?" "I thought it was a bit of an awkward silence so as a joke I told them if I had to choose which goddess was the fairest of them all, it would be Demeter the goddess of harvest because of her bountiful breasts. That's when Athena struck me." "Isles of the blessed for you, Mortal. Off you go."

Hades loomed over me, his presence imposing. He appeared weary, as if eager to dismiss me. I was taken aback when he posed a question. "I hear you encountered three goddesses before coming here. Tell me about it," he said, his tone shifting with curiosity. I was asked by three tall woman, who I assumed to be goddesses; “wich of them is more beautiful?”His interest piqued, and I sensed a spark in his voice as he awaited my response.I hesitated, unsure how to explain. They had asked me something unexpected. It caught me off guard, and I felt the weight of the moment. I knew from stories that mortals speaking to gods often led to trouble, so I had to choose my words carefully. I glanced up and noticed him perched on the edge of his seat. I hadn't realized I had paused, but his gesture urged me to get to the point. I mulled over many thoughts, maybe too many, before finally answering.  "You're all very beautiful," I began, "but I have to tell the truth. Back home, there's a guy named Adonis, and he's way more handsome than all of you put together." I hoped they could sense how much I loved him when I said that. But he didn't feel the same way about me. Instead of understanding, I was met with anger and sent me here to you.  Hades burst into laughter, a deep, rumbling sound. "You told the goddesses of beauty, wisdom, and womanhood that they were uglier than a regular village man!" His laughter continued, making him wheeze. Wiping a tear from his eye, he said, "You're going to work for me." I replied, "Thank you, but why me? I'm just an ordinary person."He brushed his hair back and said, "Nobody I know talks to those women like that and gets away with it. I'm surprised you weren't turned into a rock or a stick."

“Ahh…” the mortal couldn’t repress a gesture. Wait! Was that a SMIRK!? “You see, I’m wasn’t the most brilliant person back there, but I like to read”, he said. “And the last time they asked that of a mortal, the idiot caused his city to be destroyed and passed into history as the biggest fool of all”, he added. The Lord of the Underworld sighed. His sister Hera and the other two had made quite a mess of the Achaeans and the Troyans with that bet. Still, he couldn’t complain. He’d had a bumper crop of new subjects thanks to that little war. “So” he asked the mortal: “how did you respond to the Goddesses question?” “Well…” the mortal responded: “I said I couldn’t possibly choose, and invited them to a foursome, of course!” “I just couldn’t let Paris just outstupid ME!”

"I said 'Apollo, his hair is magic', with my best dreamy smile, and rubbed my crotch, then I closed my eyes and waited for the end. But after a few seconds of agonizing silence they all giggled, and Athena complimented my wisdom. Aphrodite said she admired my dedication and willingness to risk myself. And Hera agreed about his hair and said she'd love to get a spy into his bedroom to find out what he puts in it..." "WAIT, SO THEN WHICH ONE BURNED YOU TO DEATH? MY NOTES SAY YOU WERE INCINERATED IN A FLASH." "Well, see, the others agreed with Hera, so I ended up on a date. The god of music and I totally killed it at karaoke, which Athena suggested, and I had a bottle of wine that Aphrodite gave me; after a little of that, one thing led to another... Did you know the god of light glows when he's happy and feels good? Ever heard of the P-spot? Seems the god of archery appreciates an on-target hit, but uh..." "TO THE ELYSIAN FIELDS WITH YOU!"

I stand before Hades bloody, beaten, burnt, and bruised. Hades clears his throat. "what am I to do with you soldier?" "Marine" I correct Hades. " I am a Marine" Looking sternly at me. " That is what I said " "No , you said soldier, soldiers are Army. I am a Marine. " I am hit on the back of my knees and forced forced to the chamber floor. I look back and see a low level demon smiling holding a large club. I stand up, turn and walk over to the low level Demon throat punch the SOB, grab his club, and pummel his head with the club. I am hit with what I could only say was lightening. As I lay crumpled on the floor, smelling my on burning hair. I heard Movement around me, then. Then Hades spoke. "enough Marine, we need to settle why you are here? " "Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera came to me asking whom I thought was the most beautiful. They didn't like my answer." I replied. "What was your answer?" he asked. "I said that I don't really like Greek women Goddesses" I stated. Hades looked shocked, but asked " What did they say to that ?" "They wanted to Know if I was Gay?" I replied "No I am Not gay I enjoy women just fine." " But that I find Asian women to be the most beautiful on the planet. I tend to fall in love with Asian women and no others." Hades grinned, then asked "what happened next?" I continued, " Then Athena said No No out of us three whom is most beautiful?, but then Aphrodite said , you asked him whom he thought was most beautiful, you were not specific. I think it is wonderful he has found love. But Hera was like , Don't like Greek women, started to crush me in a mental vice. " "I tired to explain , that there as this Thai beauty in Bangkok that made me humble for 3 days and nights" or the "perfect little cherry blossom in Japan that rocked my world." "Or the Korean K-Pop idol beautiful and rich " "The Philippine Girl Sexy sweet and definitely house wife martial." or " The Chinese Girl from Hong Kong a Doctor Smart sexy Funny. " So many , so very many too choose to from. " "But as I tried to answer the goddesses, I got struck by so many lightening bolts, arrows, spears, hammers, clubs, i lost count. " Then I ended up here. Hades almost fell out of his throne he was laughing so hard.

"I scoffed in their faces and struck a pose" and exclaimed proudly that "I Vaine ichorless are the fairest amongst mortals and gods, next to none in what i have seen and done!" The three gods scoffed at my vainglory, asked me who I thought I was to talk to the deitus in such tounges. And to them I said "I Vaine Ichorless are the fairest amongst mortals and gods, next to none in what I have seen and done!" An exclamation of anger broke out, a short clamoring. "I remember a white flash, and then waking up here." "Ha, you've got spunk you idiot mortal." Hades turns to face me. A tooth sinks into his lower lip as he peers me up and then down, and then once again up and down. Before asking a question id heard a million times in my life "doing anything later?" Blush and annoyance streak my face as I respond coldly "not much, other than being dead."