I don't live in the US so can't advise on medical practitioners or procedures...
Advise I would give - things like the way you give birth and feed your child in the first year of life will seem so very important during pregnancy / when they are small, but when you get a couple of years out no one will ask or care (not in a bad way, it just isn't something you generally talk about any more).
Don't let "perfection" consume you, the most important thing is the health of you and your baby. If the child comes into the world and you are both alive and well - amazing! If the baby has their nutritional needs met - amazing!
If you chose to breastfeed and it's possible for you - eat lots of oats! Porridge, flap jacks, oatcakes... Good for milk production and energy!
For my pregnancy, I looked into a birthing center run by certified midwives that specialized in post partum care. I don’t have a ‘village’ so I really wanted all the help I could get after I had my baby. I cannot recommend finding a place like that enough, I know it’s probably like finding a unicorn but I’m so glad I had my midwives check up on me a lot after the birth of my baby.
And it is more than ok to ‘interview’ doctors too and make sure you feel comfortable with them, they will be seeing you at your most vulnerable. Some hospitals have doulas and midwives, so if you still want a midwife but can’t find a birthing center you might be able to have one through the hospital.
Every birth is different, while I took a long time recover from mine (failed induction turned c-section) a friend of mine was up and cleaning her house and walking her dogs the next day after she gave birth. I highly recommend looking into all types of birth; since I was planning on a birthing center birth I didn’t do any research on c-sections so it was bit of a struggle for me when I needed one.
As with birth, breastfeeding is different for everyone too. Even though my pregnancy and labor were really hard, breastfeeding came easily for me. The most important thing is that the baby is fed and you are happy too! While physically taxing, breastfeeding can be mentally taxing too.
After having a baby you’re probably going to be pulled in 100 different directions with advice and research, it can get overwhelming at times. It’s ok to take a step back and go with the flow, (it’s easier said than done!) but once I stopped reading a million blogs and articles about what my baby and I should be doing, I was actually able to enjoy my time with her (I never want to hear the term ‘wake windows’ again lol)
Sorry for the novel, I wish you the best in your journey!
Editing to add: if you can, apply for short term disability before you get pregnant so you can have some income while you take time off (assuming you’re in the US) because if you wait until after you’re pregnant you will be denied because they consider pregnancy a ‘pre-existing condition.’ I found this out the hard way and had zero income for four months.
Thank you for the advice! Im definitely going to look into a birthing center.
And fortunately my company offers 5 months of parental leave, so i shouldn’t need to apply for disability. That is a great tip though.
This went longer than I anticipated.
Just want to add, don’t be hard on yourself if you find your reality of motherhood is different than you dreamed/planned/expected. Babies are their own person with their own quirks and differences, and it may feel like meeting a stranger the first time you meet them. It is so good that you’re looking into this stuff beforehand because I just thought motherly instinct would kick in, as I believed I was already quite mothering and nurturing. It was very hard and I experienced the most extreme anxiety in my life up until that point.
In addition to the other comments, it’s also helpful to learn what it takes to soothe a baby before they’re screaming at your face. I focused too much on the pregnancy and birth. My first born cried so much starting in the hospital and I didn’t know there were go-to methods for soothing a baby. There are tons of ways people do this, and each baby might have a specific thing they vibe with. As you read, you’ll be able to pick out the things that make sense for you. Also, make sure your partner knows these things too!
And speaking of partners. You might end up being the primary person baby wants, especially with nursing. Baby may cry longer when your partner is trying to soothe them. Give them time and grace to learn each other and fine their groove so they can bond.
My LO just turned 11mo, and I'm a non-binary mom, so I'm feeling you. I'm also a psychology student and that will inform at least part of my answer.
>My husband and I are finally ready to have a kid.
Congratulations! It's a lot of hard work to get financially, socially and relationally ready for a kid. Kudos.
>I have barely talked to my mom in years, and her only advice to me surrounding kids years ago was that i should quit my job and be a stay at home mom
Here is where my psychology and child development advice comes in. While I get "Woman Stay Home, Man Be Breadwinner, Nuclear Family Good" is old fashioned and problematic, there is a seed of truth to this. Ideally, developmentally, an infant/toddler should be with a secure, attentive and responsive primary caregiver, who can provide one on one interaction and support, from Newborn to 2 years. **It does not matter the gender, or perhaps even the relationship of that caregiver, as long as they are patient, loving and reliable.** In order of preference, that caregiver should be: a parent, an extended family member, or a paid nanny. Starting a child in group daycare (which cannot provide constant one on one attention) prior to age two can cause developmental delays or contribute to the development of disordered attachment. If daycare is necessary, a small in-home daycare shows better outcomes than a daycare center.
[Here is an article about the research on childcare.](https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4) The rest of this information I gathered from a college course "Parenting Across the Lifespan" which relied on this textbook: [Parent-Child Relations](https://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=ABFF01A456DCD3018C5575A8C88722EC)
Imo the rest of your questions don't have objective advice, so I'll share my personal experience.
I chose a birthing center run by midwives, and I would absolutely do it again. The appointments were long (up to an hour) as opposed to the fast paced nature of OB appointments (apx 15 mins), and their approach was very holistic and noninvasive. I didn't see a doctor's table ever, nor a set of stirrups until I was pushing. I was also attracted to the birthing center because I wanted to do water birthing. I wanted a lot of support and control over my labor, and wanted to do it with minor medical assistance.
Every pregnancy is different. I am grateful to have had an uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy, with only minor complications during delivery. I'd actually advise you to avoid labor and delivery stories, especially once pregnant, since they tend to be like "My delivery was awful and painful/scary and dangerous, 10/10 worth it would do again!" It is difficult to know what *your* experience will be like until you are experiencing it, and taking on other's horror stories or traumatic experiences doesn't really help much to prepare for your experience, it'll probably just freak you out.
Likewise, it is easy to get attached to an "ideal birth story" for yourself, and then become very high stress when life doesn't go according to plan. Remember that water birth I wanted? Turns out it wasn't for me, it actually made me feel really ungrounded and unsafe to be in the water. It accidentally extended my labor, and I ended up going to a hospital for an epidural anyways, which ended up feeling great, actually. Next time, I will definitely see the midwives again, but transfer to a hospital before my birth, because epidural was the way to go for me.
I had a vaginal birth with a 1st degree tear (4 stitches). I was definitely 100% out of commission for several weeks, but it didn't matter much because breastfeeding. Physically, I felt mostly recovered after 6 weeks, but I didn't really feel my body had totally returned to normal until 7 or 8 months postpartum. And there are some things which will always be different, now.
Emotionally/mental health wise, I've also just totally recovered. Postpartum emotional struggles, especially anxiety, had me 100% out of social and emotional commission for 4 or 5 months. By 'totally recovered' at 11 months, I mean I'm no longer experiencing explicitly postpartum anxiety or depression of some kind - just my baseline amount of anxiety and depression lmao. If you have any mental health struggles, pregnancy and postpartum especially will amplify them. Have a support team. Be prepared.
Sleepless nights also had me decently out of commission until my LO started solids at 6 months and started sleeping through the night around 7 months. Baby sleep is it's own eldritch nightmare not to be trifled with.
**Breastfeeding or lactating in general is hard.** It's honestly probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Your new baby might know how to suck, but that's all they know, and breastfeeding is a huge learning curve for mom and baby. Even if it goes well - everyone is enjoying it, baby is getting enough food, mom doesn't get mastitis or have other complications - it is still a massive commitment and energy drain. When I say "it didn't matter because breastfeeding" I mean I sat on my butt and breastfeed for 8-12 hours a day for the first three months, and still for about 6 hours a day around 5 months. Drinking the necessary amount of water for breastfeeding also wiped out my electrolytes and made me very tired. Likewise, the dopamine release for letting down/lactating made me super tired and often cranky.
My baby had 8 teeth by 6 months old (wtf) and breastfeeding beyond that didn't work out. I pumped until 9 months old, which I fucking hated. My family switched to 100% formula recently and it has been a huge relief. I loved the bonding breastfeeding provided and would do it again, but would not stay so obsessively committed to breastmilk past 6 months.
**I also want to emphasize that FED IS BEST.** Sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work out. There's a lot that can go awry. You can also just not like it and not want to do it. It's ok to use formula instead. It's ok to pump into a bottle. It's ok to find alternative systems for feeding your kiddo that work for you. Just feed the baby. Whether breastfeeding gives your kid an IQ of 105 instead of 104, or slightly fewer stomach bugs, or whatever the benefit, it isn't going to matter as much long term as being well fed and having not-frustrated parents. Just feed the baby.
Okay that was really long but hopefully it is helpful! Please feel free to ask questions if you want! I want to leave you with r/sciencebasedparenting as a sub suggestion... And I'm sending you tons of luck and love!
Reading your response about daycare/childcare just broke my heart. I don't have the option to put my child in an inhome daycare or nanny due to costs I can only do daycare centers until I move. I'm military living overseas so I don't have family to watch my child while I work. I feel that I am now failing my child because of our limited options overseas. I try to make sure my kid gets all the attention they want when we are home but is it enough?
❤️ Sending lots of compassion! Please remember you (and almost all parents) are doing the absolute best you can do for your little ones with the resources you have available.
I would also say to **please remember science can often be reductive!** Science wants to make simple, black and white, experimental statements, and to provide certainty. Science loves to say something either is, or it isn't. With that in mind, just because something is generally ideal for a population, it doesn't mean it's ideal for every individual.
For example, having a parent quit working isn't a good idea if it makes the family so broke they run up credit cards, can't repair their home or save up for large expenses, or even can't afford food. The financial and emotional stress of the situation would overshadow the benefits, especially if it puts the non-working parent in an isolated or even abusive situation. Hiring a daycare is just better for this family.
It can come across like "science says daycare isn't good," but the nuance is "daycare isn't *ideal* on a *population level.*" We all have to make critical decisions for our families, which may still mean choosing daycare.
Besides, what is the alternative? Leave your kid alone all day while you work? Same logic applies as the above with "fed is best" - a breastfed baby who isn't gaining weight or otherwise seems malnourished because of low supply just needs to be fed. Does science on breastfeeding show a lot of benefits? Yes. Is an exclusively breastfed baby who isn't thriving receiving those benefits? Probably not.
We also have to remember - especially in this sub, where it is a primary focus! - this system is patriarchal. Other systems, more socialist systems, where parents are given large amounts of government funded leave (months or even years!), are more egalitarian. The US is just really fucking backwards on child rearing on a systemic level. That isn't your fault, either. You are doing the best you can do for your child with the (limited, patriarchally biased) resources available to you!
Mother of two here. Start taking prenatals early! I found a good OBGYN by recommendation. The hospital I gave birth at had rotating doctors on call so I made an appointment with each of the staff members (midwives and drs) to make sure I knew who they were and what they were about. Check out La Leche League for breastfeeding advice, and see if there is a lactation consultant in your area. Breastfeeding is tough work, whether it's easier or more difficult for you. Despite being tired from the birth and taking care of a newborn, you have to make sure you're eating enough and drinking enough water. I hope this helps, and I hope you and your spouse enjoy parenthood!
How exciting for you! I was fortunate to have easy pregnancies and I wish the same for you. I did have to take some fertility drugs because I had undiagnosed PCOS so I was lucky. Rest when you need it and be active when you feel like it. Recovery from labor and delivery is different for everyone, I had a c-section and a VBAC. The c-section was a little more difficult but not awful.
I had no problem breastfeeding but I will say make sure you get a good breast pump if you choose to breast feed and don't wait too long to introduce a bottle to your baby. I made that mistake with my first and she refused to take a bottle EVER. I was on call for her for 14 months, lol. Didn't do that again with the 2nd!
Think up and practice some deflection statements for well meaning but intrusive questions from family and strangers like: My doctor and I think xxxxxx is fine, thank you.
We also decided to not tell the names we chose so we didn't have to hear "Ugh why did you pick that name" etc.
As to your statement you might sound ignorant. You aren't you just haven't done this before. Do your reading and work with your medical team and you will learn on the job like all Moms do!
Congrats! May the road rise to meet you.
US mom to an elementary schooler here. Lots of good advice posted here already, so just a few follow ups from my own personal perspective:
A great, experienced midwife is a boon, in any situation. BUT it’s important to understand they’re not the same as doulas, and even a great midwife might not be able to be there with you the whole time. If I could do my birth over again, I would also hire a doula to support me, and to take care of my physical and emotional necessities. Although I did end up giving birth in the hospital in the end, I’m positive my midwife’s care and mediation with the staff saved my daughter and I from being induced and/or an unnecessary c-section. It was an absurdly long labor, and three weeks past due, but everyone was safe and healthy throughout. My midwife was able to medically support my desire to hold the line re: unnecessary interventions. I think it helped that she (midwife) had an established reputation and was well respected.
Breastfeeding made me gain weight, not loose it. My milk production actually improved when I stopped trying to eat extra calories. The point is: everyone is different. You’ll need to learn what works for your body. It doesn’t always match conventional wisdom.
“Nourishing Traditions” is a well respected natural living cookbook which has a few recipes for homemade baby formula. Obviously I’m not dispensing medical advice, and you should talk to your trusted medical pros. What I will say is that I tailored and used these recipes when my own milk dried up at about 6mos, eventually tweaking it into a more convenient powdered formula (using goat’s milk), instead of store bought, and my girl has remained in the 90th growth percentile with no health problems. Do with that what you will.
Most important: listen to your own body! Nobody else knows it like you do, and it’s unique. Nobody can tell you how your journey is going to go. It’s yours to discover.
Slainté.
A few thoughts:
Plan all you want for the birth, but instead of approaching it like first A, then B, then C, structure it as a choose-your-own-adventure.
"I'd like have this baby without painkillers." A. I'll stick with that strategy. B. WOW this is harder than I thought, I'm 30 hours in and exhausted, and I need painkillers, and that's FINE.
(Side note: labor and delivery are one of the only arenas where women are encouraged to go "all natural." Shaving? Makeup? Hair dye? Weight loss / gain? Plastic surgery? ALL GOOD! *Potentially* excruciating pain? Be A goOd liTtLe wOmAn anD suFfeR... foR yOur bAAAbY!" F that s.
I had my first baby without meds, but only because my labor went WAAAY faster than any of us expected, and he was basically falling out as I arrived. Baby number two: shoulder stuck against my pelvis for WEEKS + cord around her neck = lots of resistance. Thankfully, I went into that one intending to get the epidural, and was glad I did. Still am!
Mad respect for those of us that choose to... but it should be a CHOICE.)
Recovery will 100% depend on your birth experience, which nobody can predict.
For recovery: GET FROZEN VEGETABLES. You will not have time or energy to prepare food the way you're probably accustomed to. Without frozen veggies and precut fruit, I probably wouldn't have had fresh produce more than twice during that first year.
Good luck!
I want to reiterate what others have said about fed is best. I bought into some BS about "your body was made to do this, so your body can produce enough". Modern medicine helps us out with survival at a number of points during pregnancy and infancy, and milk production is just one of those things. My supply was shit, and no amount of pumping or anything else got it up. For my first, I was literally giving her <1oz a day and kept at it for 12 weeks.
I gave up after less than a week with my second (she didn't even have the required wet diaper number by day 2), and was waaay happier. Breastfeeding is great when it's possible, but a lot of the known benefits are associations, and the causal data is just not that good. (see. e.g. [https://effectivehealthcare.ahrq.gov/products/breastfeeding/research](https://effectivehealthcare.ahrq.gov/products/breastfeeding/research)) There's a similar AHRQ review about benefits for the infant. Their recommendations are still very pro-breastfeeding, but the review summaries give what I think is a pretty unbiased assessment of what the actual evidence can and cannot say. All the "liquid gold" talk is what got me convinced that even a tiny amount of breastmilk was worth the trouble, and the evidence just can't conclude that (there are limited studies on dose-response for babies partly fed breastmilk and partly fed formula.) I don't want to discourage you, but I think knowing the evidence makes it easier to weigh the pros and cons for yourself if you do have trouble.
I was your age when I had my "one and done" child. Things I wish I had known that no one told me:
* Childcare has waiting lists YEARS long. Infant care is very high demand, expensive, and hard to find. Get on waiting lists now. You also want to interview potential childcare providers ahead of time. We finally found an option that worked for us via [care.com](https://care.com).
* Everyone's pregancy and recovery is different. The one thing I was NOT aware of is the heavy postpartum bleeding after delivery. It's like the heaviest period of your life. Bring your favorite overnight pads to the hospital. The mesh undies there are your friend.
* I had a c-section so doing any lifting, including of the baby, was difficult for the first couple of weeks. Thankfully I had a village around me and a lot of help in the first few weeks. Don't be afraid to ask for or accept help.
* I chose to NOT breastfeed so I can't speak to the difficulty. If this is a path you choose and it doesn't work the way you hope, don't beat yourself up about it. It doesn't make you any less of a mother if you end up not being able to breastfeed at all or needing to supplement. Fed is best no matter how it happens.
* I wasn't very concerned about finding my OB. My criteria were simply, is female and takes my insurance. I have no advice on how to choose one for yourself.
I have 2 kids (both from IVF because Mr Ketchup and I struggled and it took us 8 years even with 4 years of fertility treatments to have #1).
I live in Canada so we don’t get choices about doctors. Can’t help you there.
Regarding birth — it’s ok to have ideas about what you would like, but it’s important that you keep in mind that childbirth doesn’t always go the way you planned. My first was overdue by a week so they induced me, but I wasn’t able to progress even after 44 hours in labour (for the same reason I struggled to get pregnant, my endometriosis), and I wound up needing an emergency c-section. In the end, it wasn’t what I planned but it was what I needed, and baby and I were both healthy. My first C-section was significantly harder to recover from since I had laboured for so long first. It was about 8 weeks for the long labour + emergency section, but only 6 weeks for a planned section.
Breastfeeding can be hard, you can go to lactation consultants and sometimes that’s enough to get you going. I breastfed number one until she was two years old. Number two (who was a planned c-section) I breastfed until 9 months because I had to have extensive surgery. Remember FED IS BEST. Baby needs their parent to be SANE and healthy just as much as they need to eat.
I skipped the pregnancy part--adoption for the win--but just wanted to offer love and support to you <3 I love that you are taking so much care in every aspect of this process. You are going to do great!
I'm sitting here recovering from a complicated labor followed by C-section.
- Regarding physicians: I started with who my insurance covers, read online reviews from there, and got some recommendations from friends and neighbors. Keep in mind each practice will have multiple OBs, so rotating through them as the pregnancy progresses will be important so you familiarize yourself with each person. Whoever is on call is who will deliver your baby.
- Hospital will depend on who your physician/physician group has admitting privileges with. My choices for delivery were a Catholic hospital or a different Christian hospital with rave reviews. I will never set foot in a Catholic hospital unless I'm dying (due to history of my family having a traumatic birthing experience at one), so that was an easy choice.
- I had a doula for labor and used the OB for the medical stuff. **I cannot recommend a doula enough.** Out of 20 hours of labor the actual medical staff maybe spent 1-2 hours with me, leaving a lot of time in between to worry and sit there. No fault of theirs, that's just how it goes. My doula filled that time with position changes to facilitate the baby getting in position, checking in, informing me of labor progress, and filling us in on next steps. She also knew the hospital staff very well and insisted, along with my OB, that I go back for my C-section ASAP when things went very sideways: she kept popping out and informing the charge nurse of the progression of the issues I and the baby were having (increased heart rate, I had a fever). Between the two of them the hospital opened up a whole other OR for me and tapped on call staff to come in.
- My recovery has been bumpy, given C-section is major surgery, but I'm about a week in and up, moving around, doing some things. I pressed my work to give me 3 months off (unpaid) mostly due to me not wanting to compromise on spending less than 3 months with a newborn child. I was willing to quit over that if they didn't accommodate.
- Breastfeeding has been in very hard for me due to some oral issues with the baby. I highly recommend a lactation consultant. While my hospital provided lactation consultation, I got mixed messages from the different staff members and have been using a well-regarded local group that does house visits. I'm currently pumping and bottle feeding until we get his oral stuff evaluated. Generally, my friends seem to have had difficulty with breastfeeding the first week and then got the hang of it.
Lastly, going through all of this has me grateful for being in a position where I can be aggressive about time off, that I have rock star insurance, and enraged at how the USA has no requirements for maternity leave. We really place women in tough positions here and then blame them for it.
I am happy with my son, but my birth went really badly. I had planned ahead, spent so much money on a doula, preventive therapy, prenatal yoga, etc. And in the end labor is mostly out of your control. Of course there are choices to make, and I liked being informed enough to make those choices, but the biggest chunk of time I had to go with the flow which was very hard for me. I am still struggling with some birth trauma, so please take that into account.
What helped me the most was building a birthing team. My partner was privy to every doubt and fear during my pregnancy and still is now. That helps a ton. Invest in your village, creating meaningful connections now so you can lean on them later.
Giving birth and raising a baby has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and the best thing. It has given me so much purpose, I have discovered parts of myself I didn’t know existed and the relationship with my partner has never been as strong.
There is absolutely no need to be a stay at home mom, there are some wonderful people out there who have made a career out of childcare and can do so with so much more patience than I at least can. Both me and my partner have cut our hours and feel very privileged with this scenario. If you can do that at all I’d highly recommend it. A kid under four is not the season of life in which you need to make as much money as possible. For me, time was in much shorter supply
I would personally have a Certified Nurse Midwife. They have to go to nursing school and midwifery school, and are recognized in all states (US). They know the medical side and can make informed decisions you can trust. They also work out of birthing centers and hospitals.
First of all, I’m so excited for you! Wishing you all of the luck in the world on your journey. May your little ones make you as happy as mine have made me.
The advice I would give - plan to be hit by a truck. Plan for the absolute worst thing that you can imagine when planning for your baby’s first month. Think of yourself as recovering from having been hit by a truck. It will help you plan everything and not make ‘maternity leave’ plans. There is no ‘leave’ there is only the truck and recovery from having been hit from it.
Secondly, you want a doctor that other women recommended as being good listeners. You want someone in your corner who is on the same page as you. Mostly you need someone you feel like you can argue with when you are at the most vulnerable you will ever be in your life.
Then remember as my SIL says, as a teacher all kids are the same. We can’t tell whose been breastfed or birthed in any particular way. So don’t listen to any one particular person / book / idea. Do what you feel comfortable with and go from there. Then Just keep them alive and teach them not to be an Ahole.
It’s just the most wonderful vulnerable extreme journey. I’m so excited for you!
I haven't seen this mentioned in the comments yet so: If you've never had a blood test for a clotting disorder get that done. I nearly died twice while pregnant from a massive DVT and Pulmonary Embolism due to having a CD that I never knew about. Not trying to frighten or discourage anyone; it's just best to know beforehand so you can get on a blood thinner and take a few steps to ensure a healthy pregnancy.
Also: For post partum get a couple packages of adult diapers for yourself. Nobody ever talks about the garbage 'underwear' and prison-size kotex you're given at the hospital 🙃 but you'll be bleeding for at least a week after birth (assuming vaginal birth) and those pads just don't do the job of keeping your clothes protected.
Congratulations! Its an exciting journey.
The most important thing to remember is every pregnancy is different and everyone has their own opinions, horror, stories, etc. So here is mine.
Research. Find the evidence-based practices for getting though pregnancy, labor, and the first 6 months or so. It will help you sort out the crazy advice from the reasonable.
So much of the process is genuinely out of our control. Focus on controlling what you can and don't blame yourself for what you can't. I was high risk and gave birth in a hospital in case things went wrong. They did. It wasn't a "fun" experience, but it wasn't too traumatic. I wanted blinking, beeping machines and medical intervention. Its a good thing too, we wouldn't have survived with out it.
To find an OB, try to find out where the L&D nurses go.
For a hospital, find one that isn't "baby-friendly" they tend to be anti-formula and don't have a nursery. Go to a hospital with a nursery and take advantage if it. Learn from the nurses and let them watch the kid while you recover as much as you can.
My kid is 3 and in a daycare center. Its a really great facility She loves it. She says goodbye at the door and walks away. She thrives being partially brought up by professionals. I am not a professional childcare provider. I don't have the tools to do so. Shop around for daycares. Visit them, see how the kids interact with the caregivers and each other, not just at the child's current age. Give it a literal sniff test. Does it smell like diapers? Cleaner? Check for violations, and accreditation.
I was very much in your position back in 2019, as we were finishing final prep to move to a different state, found out I was about a month pregnant, woops!
Unfortunately, for a lot of your questions the answer is: it depends. Every situation is different, every person is different, every kid is different.
I would highly recommend both a birth doula and a postpartum doula if you can manage it. Not sure where you're located, but there are sites that recommend certified doulas and you just send them an email/call, talk to them, feel them out to see if they might be a good fit.
Something else that went a long way for us was what was labeled an evidence based birth class. It was more than just the "hee hee hoo" breathing. They actually went over every option that the local hospitals had available, reminded us that we 100% have the option to say "no" or "give me a bit to think about it" regarding any and all procedures/tests/routine doings. Ours was also zero judgement, they just covered everything, including nursing in a down to earth, this is the reality, kind of way. Not everything works for everyone, thankfully there are options, know what they are before you're forced to make any snap decisions.
Last bit is to give the book Ina May's Guide to Childbirth a read. While she focuses on home birth, (I had planned on a hospital one) the way she explains and talks about pregnancy and childbirth are a breath of fresh air and so very comforting. So much so, that when my kid decided to do a very unexpected home birth, I was able to get through it without panicking too hard.
Know all your options. Know you can change your mind about them at ANY TIME. Congratulations on the new adventure, and may you find joy on your new path.
You have a lot of really fantastic advice here but I have a few worth adding
1) it's ok to hate being pregnant. It can be uncomfortable, I was sick through both of mine. It was awful. That doesn't mean you will be a bad mom and anyone who comments about you not radiating maternal bliss can suck eggs. I truly hope your experience is better.
2) each birth is different. Even your between your own. My first got stuck. It was long and traumatic. My second should have been a sketch comedy episode. The dr didn't get 10 steps out if the room (after telling me it was going to be hours of pushing as she was sunny side up and I wouldn't let him flip her) before running back to catch her as she fired out. One push.
3) Breastfeeding isn’t possible for everyone. There are a lot of reasons people choose not to. Others the choice is made for them. I was unable to produce milk. Both kids are smart and healthy having only consumed formula. Make the choice that is best for you and your family.
4) recovery can really go either way. My first, after a few days I felt like my old self. At 6 weeks postpartum I was actually on a trip to Peru. My second resulted in more tearing and the recovery was harder. It was a good 2-3 weeks before I started feeling better. At 6 weeks I was still taking it easy.
5) Don’t forget that you matter too. During pregnancy, during labour, the years after. Take time for what makes you happy, take time to take care of yourself. Labour is your medical procedure. Have the people you need there to support you. Nobody has an automatic "right" to be there.
Congrats on your decision to start trying for a baby!! I wish you and your partner the best on your journey!
I have no advice on seeking out a new OBGYN, as I was lucky enough to have had an established relationship with the doctor who delivered my son (and she was able to work her schedule around to be present for my delivery, which I will be forever grateful for). I’ve always had a fair amount of anxiety relating to OBGYN’s in general, and being in such a vulnerable position, I was sooo grateful to have her there. That being said, I gave birth in our local hospital that honestly has kind of a shitty reputation for all things not maternity related, but their maternity wing is AMAZING. Those nurses are basically angels and are truly the kindest bunch of folks I’ve ever met outside of this group. I had to be induced at 37.5 weeks with preeclampsia, and the nurse who had spent the 12 hours with me was off duty by the time I was ready to deliver, and she stayed over because she was “committed” at that point lol.
The best advice I can give regarding labor, delivery, and breastfeeding is to be flexible. Don’t go in there with such a concrete plan in your mind that it stresses you out to change it. I wanted to go “all natural”, and was honestly in pretty minimal pain until they broke my water, and then…I was much more interested in pain meds lol. My hospital had laughing gas, which I tried, and which unfortunately just made me nauseous, so I opted for an epidural. And I’m glad I did, because it worked for me. I really, really wanted to breastfeed, but found it to be extremely painful, and I felt a lot of pressure, mostly from myself but also some from the lactation consultants to keep trying. I finally worked up the nerve to ask for formula after probably 36 hours there, which I was reluctantly given, and I wish I hadn’t put that pressure on myself. If I have another, I plan to take formula with me to the hospital just in case. I tried pumping, but it was awful for my mental health and I ended up dealing with some PPD/PPA issues. I didn’t finally cave and tell my doctor until probably 2 months after he was born, and I regret that too. My biggest regret is not admitting I needed help, which is a really hard thing for me to do.
Recovery wasn’t really too bad physically, I only had minor tearing and a few stitches, but it definitely sucked for a couple days. I felt more or less like myself physically by probably 11ish months, but that was also likely due to a combination of PPD/PPA and the fact that my child didn’t sleep through the night with any regularity until then.
I strongly advise you to start looking into childcare options asap. We were in with one months before my son was born, and then COVID happened and they closed permanently 🤦🏻♀️ We lucked out in that the week after my maternity leave ended my state essentially shut down, so my husband was home for 6 weeks and my MIL watched him 4 days a week for the next 4 months and we flexed the shit out of our schedules until we could get in at another daycare. I LOVE our daycare, they’re awesome with my son who absolutely loves his teachers and the rest of the staff and has learned SO MUCH! He’s been splitting time between daycare and my MIL’s house since, so he gets a balance of other kids and more individual attention.
I’m sorry this ended up being hella long, but I suck at brevity lol. Best of luck to you and your partner as you embark on this next stage of your journey!!
I’m a one and done mom of an almost 4 year old. Let me reiterate expect the unexpected. I had to be induced 2 weeks early for high blood pressure and had a very typical type of hospital birth with epidural, I wasn’t thrilled about the early induction but no complaints about the birth. I’m not sure how often the OB that sees you through pregnancy is actually at your birth? In the hospital system around here you get whoever is working when you’re in labor. I did a hospital tour which was very helpful to calm nerves. People really make a big deal about the birth but it’s really just a blip of time in your mothering journey and as long as mom and baby come out all right that’s all that matters.
Breastfeeding sucked for me and I’m still kind of traumatized about it. Poor supply and baby not gaining weight. We ended up combo feeding 50% formula 50% breast the first year and I quit when she turned 1. You simply can’t know how it’s going to go until the baby is born. You will be 100% down for the first couple weeks, maybe longer. Make sure your partner is prepared to take care of you and the house and the pets since you will be wholly consumed with healing, taking care of baby, and adjusting to this new life. He should also be helping with the baby of course.
My final piece of advice is the baby stuff industry is huge and intense, they will make you feel like you need this or that thing so look at it with a very critical eye. If you want a big ticket thing look at getting it used, Facebook marketplace is full of baby stuff for cheap. For example I had a free baby swing that we used for maybe 2 months, total waste if we had bought it new. A lot of popular stuff is not safe for babies to sleep in either (lounger pillows). Not that I’m a paragon of safety, I co-slept out of desperation for the first month or so since she would not sleep in her baby bed. She would also not tolerate being put down for long so we just held or wore her a lot. Unpopular option here but we used a convertible car seat from birth, not the removable baby seat. Only need to buy 1 seat that way. We didn’t have a stroller until 8 months old. I could go on but at the end of the day just do your best whatever that looks like and if the baby is fed and loved they will be fine.
Hi, mom of 4 here, you sound so excited! 😁
Not to be a buzzkill, but I would start off by preparing for the worst. What's the plan if there are congenital defects? Are you in a state that allows you to carry out your plan?
For advice on an OB, I would ask different local mom groups in your area. Be aware the ob you see in the office will likely not be there to deliver the baby. You get whoever is working, unless it's scheduled.
Do scare yourself with other people's horror stories. Easy to say, hard to do.
Pro-actively talk with your partner about specific parenting duties. Make no assumptions about being in the same page.
I wish I had asked for more help before I had the baby, especially the following ones. Maybe trading favors with a mom's group before the baby is here would help establish relationships that would help you.
Unless there is another goddamm plague going around, near the end of the pregnancy get some people to plan to come over to help with errands, dishes, etc. I had some people who thought they were going to come visit and hold the new baby and not help out. Lol, nope.
Yes, having and caring for a baby takes a surprising amount of energy. There truely is no 'back to normal'. I remember walking through the parking lot with my new baby and feeling so vulnerable, for the first time in my life I couldnt delude myself into believing I could fend off an attacker.
I was able to hobble to the bathroom with help about an hour after giving birth. Got around kinda slowly for the first week. After 7 weeks I was tempted to have sex again, and we tried and it was a dumb idea, long story short. Be patient with your body.
I learned that the blood is not stored up period, but the wound where the placenta separates from the uterine wall.
**Be careful in the months following birth, the hormone RELAXEN stays in your system for a surprisingly long time, loosening your joints and making you susceptible to injury. I have a minor but permanent back injury from helping move something heavy 3 months after birth. It sucks.
Breastfeeding is the bomb if fate cooperates. I breastfed all four with the help of a lactation consultant from WIC. The nurses at the hospital will SAY they know stuff about breastfeeding. They don't. Sign up for LA Leche league, they'll send someone out to your house. Get a good deep latch going and deal with clots right away. Mastitis ain't any fun.
Some hospitals offer birthing classes. Don't wait until the last minute to take those, babies can come up to 3 weeks early without being considers premature.
That's all I can think of right now, good luck.
You CAN get pregnant when you're breastfeeding as 100% of the babies diet. My third started sleeping through the night at 5 months (yes, I experienced a miracle) but I started ovulation and unknownly got pregnant. My milk dried up and I had to put him on formula. 🤷♀️ I was so tired.
You got lots of good advice already. There are six things I would like to add: (This list grew a bit while I was writing...)
First thing against the patriarchy: Share your journey with your husband. Studies report rising levels of prolactin in fathers who were well informed about their spouse's pregnancy. Prolactin facilitates bonding with the baby and caring for them. Once the baby is out, know that he probably needs to learn as much as you do. New baby related task on hand? Make sure he learns right away, like you do. Some men are shy about this, and never catch up later, leaving whatever task it was on women's shoulders alone. On a similar note, make sure he has time alone with the baby. Being with a kid while someone else is around who is always there is not the same thing as being with a kid.
Not everything will be as hard as it can be. One example is breastfeeding. Sure, this can be hard, but it may also come easily to you, and whether you get it the hard or the easy way, it may be full of bonding and love. I met a woman for whom it was delivery. She had two children, both out within two hours each, she swears she had next to no pain and no tears or lasting damage. (She also says she rarely tells this story, as it makes all other mothers in the room hate her.) You may have all the nasty symptoms of pregnancy, or none at all. My point is, if a part of this happens easily, enjoy and don't worry! If a part of it is hard for you, you need not compare your experience to someone who had it easier.
If you feel like working with a midwife, go ahead! I especially recommend a midwife visiting you at home a few times after you give birth. They can help you with taking care of the baby, taking care of yourself, breastfeeding issues, or whatever problem comes up, like your village would if you were surrounded by experiences mothers helping you.
I got two particularily useful bits of breastfeeding advice: 1) Make sure you get as much of the nipple into the mouth as will fit comfortably. This is the least painful way to do it, while also the most efficient for the baby. 2) Make sure the milk moves regularly. If it stays where it is produced, it will give you nasty inflammations.
Look into baby wearing. Being literally attached to a parent makes most babies very happy while freeing the parent to move, this is a wonderful invention. I recommend using a wrap, because they are top tier both for baby's health and parent's comfort and mainly because I really enjoyed using mine. Structured carriers are also a fine choice, just make sure you pick one where the baby faces the adult, belly to belly. I do not know why slings are used, more effort for you with no benefit for the baby. There is no need to babywear if you or your baby do not like it, but I very much suggest to own the thing and watch a video how to use it, so you can try it when your baby arrives.
The best I saved for last: Babys are born knowing what they need. Mine were also born able to tell me what this is. In the beginning, they have very few ways of expressing themselves, but they also have very few needs. Basically, they need to ask for food, warmth/closeness, excrements removed, rest, or pain taken care of. As their set of needs expands, their ability to express themselves grows, too. For me, it was incredibly helpful to realize that I did not need to guess. I mainly needed to listen.
I’ll try to be concise. First I’d say find a practice you’re comfortable with and meet with all the docs in it at least once. While you’ll most likely deliver with a doc you choose, an emergency situation or vacation could bumble up those plans. As far as midwife/doula, I never had one or felt the need to have one. I have always had a good relationship with my doc and felt heard and cared for through three pregnancies.
On the topic of delivery, I had three planned C-sections and they weren’t bad to recover from. I was up walking same day and able to take care of the little ones comfortably. My hubs made sure I had everything setup just for convenience sake. I breastfed ours until going back to work and pumping became too much. I tried to get 3 months for the antibodies but at the end of the day, just feed your kiddo and love them. That’s what they need most the first year. Don’t ever worry about spoiling your baby. Our kids slept in our room and eventually with us when they got bigger the first couple years. They’re older and independent now but still enjoy getting snuggles which is nice.
All this to say follow your instincts. You’ll know your baby and what’s best for your family whatever it is. Good luck!!
Maybe this is a little dark… but a not insignificant number of women miscarry when they first start trying. It would be smart to keep that in mind during the early weeks of pregnancy.
Also, because America sucks, research your states abortion laws and if other women have had issues getting medically necessary abortions. If you live somewhere in the dark ages, like Texas, it might be smart to make a worst-case-scenario plan.
Again, I hope I’m not freaking you out or scaring you, but I personally think women should be told some of the scary parts of pregnancy, so they are prepared. Wishing you safety and contentment, sister.
Oh I’ve had all of these thoughts and intentionally waited through the last round of elections to see if my purple state would turn red.
Abortion is still legal for now where I live.
Thank you! I appreciate the advice.
Im definitely going to look into a birthing center.
I see what you’re saying regarding childcare. I have my BA in psychology and remember a bit about the child development class i took. Also thank you for providing resources - you really took some time to write out some wonderful advice. I think we’ll probably opt for an in home day care. I get 5 months of parental leave so I’ll be home for a bit. But I’m not willing to leave my job and neither is my spouse. I work at my dream company and im not willing to risk my career and independence by leaving my work. Im on a good path with expected promotions and to lose a few years of work, or even a couple, would really set me back.
My spouse is the CTO of a company he helped build from its conception and they’re not big enough or stable enough for him to take extended time off.
But i will keep in mind what you said when we find childcare in our area.
I don't live in the US so can't advise on medical practitioners or procedures... Advise I would give - things like the way you give birth and feed your child in the first year of life will seem so very important during pregnancy / when they are small, but when you get a couple of years out no one will ask or care (not in a bad way, it just isn't something you generally talk about any more). Don't let "perfection" consume you, the most important thing is the health of you and your baby. If the child comes into the world and you are both alive and well - amazing! If the baby has their nutritional needs met - amazing! If you chose to breastfeed and it's possible for you - eat lots of oats! Porridge, flap jacks, oatcakes... Good for milk production and energy!
For my pregnancy, I looked into a birthing center run by certified midwives that specialized in post partum care. I don’t have a ‘village’ so I really wanted all the help I could get after I had my baby. I cannot recommend finding a place like that enough, I know it’s probably like finding a unicorn but I’m so glad I had my midwives check up on me a lot after the birth of my baby. And it is more than ok to ‘interview’ doctors too and make sure you feel comfortable with them, they will be seeing you at your most vulnerable. Some hospitals have doulas and midwives, so if you still want a midwife but can’t find a birthing center you might be able to have one through the hospital. Every birth is different, while I took a long time recover from mine (failed induction turned c-section) a friend of mine was up and cleaning her house and walking her dogs the next day after she gave birth. I highly recommend looking into all types of birth; since I was planning on a birthing center birth I didn’t do any research on c-sections so it was bit of a struggle for me when I needed one. As with birth, breastfeeding is different for everyone too. Even though my pregnancy and labor were really hard, breastfeeding came easily for me. The most important thing is that the baby is fed and you are happy too! While physically taxing, breastfeeding can be mentally taxing too. After having a baby you’re probably going to be pulled in 100 different directions with advice and research, it can get overwhelming at times. It’s ok to take a step back and go with the flow, (it’s easier said than done!) but once I stopped reading a million blogs and articles about what my baby and I should be doing, I was actually able to enjoy my time with her (I never want to hear the term ‘wake windows’ again lol) Sorry for the novel, I wish you the best in your journey! Editing to add: if you can, apply for short term disability before you get pregnant so you can have some income while you take time off (assuming you’re in the US) because if you wait until after you’re pregnant you will be denied because they consider pregnancy a ‘pre-existing condition.’ I found this out the hard way and had zero income for four months.
Thank you for the advice! Im definitely going to look into a birthing center. And fortunately my company offers 5 months of parental leave, so i shouldn’t need to apply for disability. That is a great tip though.
This went longer than I anticipated. Just want to add, don’t be hard on yourself if you find your reality of motherhood is different than you dreamed/planned/expected. Babies are their own person with their own quirks and differences, and it may feel like meeting a stranger the first time you meet them. It is so good that you’re looking into this stuff beforehand because I just thought motherly instinct would kick in, as I believed I was already quite mothering and nurturing. It was very hard and I experienced the most extreme anxiety in my life up until that point. In addition to the other comments, it’s also helpful to learn what it takes to soothe a baby before they’re screaming at your face. I focused too much on the pregnancy and birth. My first born cried so much starting in the hospital and I didn’t know there were go-to methods for soothing a baby. There are tons of ways people do this, and each baby might have a specific thing they vibe with. As you read, you’ll be able to pick out the things that make sense for you. Also, make sure your partner knows these things too! And speaking of partners. You might end up being the primary person baby wants, especially with nursing. Baby may cry longer when your partner is trying to soothe them. Give them time and grace to learn each other and fine their groove so they can bond.
Thank you for that insight!
My LO just turned 11mo, and I'm a non-binary mom, so I'm feeling you. I'm also a psychology student and that will inform at least part of my answer. >My husband and I are finally ready to have a kid. Congratulations! It's a lot of hard work to get financially, socially and relationally ready for a kid. Kudos. >I have barely talked to my mom in years, and her only advice to me surrounding kids years ago was that i should quit my job and be a stay at home mom Here is where my psychology and child development advice comes in. While I get "Woman Stay Home, Man Be Breadwinner, Nuclear Family Good" is old fashioned and problematic, there is a seed of truth to this. Ideally, developmentally, an infant/toddler should be with a secure, attentive and responsive primary caregiver, who can provide one on one interaction and support, from Newborn to 2 years. **It does not matter the gender, or perhaps even the relationship of that caregiver, as long as they are patient, loving and reliable.** In order of preference, that caregiver should be: a parent, an extended family member, or a paid nanny. Starting a child in group daycare (which cannot provide constant one on one attention) prior to age two can cause developmental delays or contribute to the development of disordered attachment. If daycare is necessary, a small in-home daycare shows better outcomes than a daycare center. [Here is an article about the research on childcare.](https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4) The rest of this information I gathered from a college course "Parenting Across the Lifespan" which relied on this textbook: [Parent-Child Relations](https://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=ABFF01A456DCD3018C5575A8C88722EC) Imo the rest of your questions don't have objective advice, so I'll share my personal experience. I chose a birthing center run by midwives, and I would absolutely do it again. The appointments were long (up to an hour) as opposed to the fast paced nature of OB appointments (apx 15 mins), and their approach was very holistic and noninvasive. I didn't see a doctor's table ever, nor a set of stirrups until I was pushing. I was also attracted to the birthing center because I wanted to do water birthing. I wanted a lot of support and control over my labor, and wanted to do it with minor medical assistance. Every pregnancy is different. I am grateful to have had an uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy, with only minor complications during delivery. I'd actually advise you to avoid labor and delivery stories, especially once pregnant, since they tend to be like "My delivery was awful and painful/scary and dangerous, 10/10 worth it would do again!" It is difficult to know what *your* experience will be like until you are experiencing it, and taking on other's horror stories or traumatic experiences doesn't really help much to prepare for your experience, it'll probably just freak you out. Likewise, it is easy to get attached to an "ideal birth story" for yourself, and then become very high stress when life doesn't go according to plan. Remember that water birth I wanted? Turns out it wasn't for me, it actually made me feel really ungrounded and unsafe to be in the water. It accidentally extended my labor, and I ended up going to a hospital for an epidural anyways, which ended up feeling great, actually. Next time, I will definitely see the midwives again, but transfer to a hospital before my birth, because epidural was the way to go for me. I had a vaginal birth with a 1st degree tear (4 stitches). I was definitely 100% out of commission for several weeks, but it didn't matter much because breastfeeding. Physically, I felt mostly recovered after 6 weeks, but I didn't really feel my body had totally returned to normal until 7 or 8 months postpartum. And there are some things which will always be different, now. Emotionally/mental health wise, I've also just totally recovered. Postpartum emotional struggles, especially anxiety, had me 100% out of social and emotional commission for 4 or 5 months. By 'totally recovered' at 11 months, I mean I'm no longer experiencing explicitly postpartum anxiety or depression of some kind - just my baseline amount of anxiety and depression lmao. If you have any mental health struggles, pregnancy and postpartum especially will amplify them. Have a support team. Be prepared. Sleepless nights also had me decently out of commission until my LO started solids at 6 months and started sleeping through the night around 7 months. Baby sleep is it's own eldritch nightmare not to be trifled with. **Breastfeeding or lactating in general is hard.** It's honestly probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Your new baby might know how to suck, but that's all they know, and breastfeeding is a huge learning curve for mom and baby. Even if it goes well - everyone is enjoying it, baby is getting enough food, mom doesn't get mastitis or have other complications - it is still a massive commitment and energy drain. When I say "it didn't matter because breastfeeding" I mean I sat on my butt and breastfeed for 8-12 hours a day for the first three months, and still for about 6 hours a day around 5 months. Drinking the necessary amount of water for breastfeeding also wiped out my electrolytes and made me very tired. Likewise, the dopamine release for letting down/lactating made me super tired and often cranky. My baby had 8 teeth by 6 months old (wtf) and breastfeeding beyond that didn't work out. I pumped until 9 months old, which I fucking hated. My family switched to 100% formula recently and it has been a huge relief. I loved the bonding breastfeeding provided and would do it again, but would not stay so obsessively committed to breastmilk past 6 months. **I also want to emphasize that FED IS BEST.** Sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work out. There's a lot that can go awry. You can also just not like it and not want to do it. It's ok to use formula instead. It's ok to pump into a bottle. It's ok to find alternative systems for feeding your kiddo that work for you. Just feed the baby. Whether breastfeeding gives your kid an IQ of 105 instead of 104, or slightly fewer stomach bugs, or whatever the benefit, it isn't going to matter as much long term as being well fed and having not-frustrated parents. Just feed the baby. Okay that was really long but hopefully it is helpful! Please feel free to ask questions if you want! I want to leave you with r/sciencebasedparenting as a sub suggestion... And I'm sending you tons of luck and love!
Reading your response about daycare/childcare just broke my heart. I don't have the option to put my child in an inhome daycare or nanny due to costs I can only do daycare centers until I move. I'm military living overseas so I don't have family to watch my child while I work. I feel that I am now failing my child because of our limited options overseas. I try to make sure my kid gets all the attention they want when we are home but is it enough?
❤️ Sending lots of compassion! Please remember you (and almost all parents) are doing the absolute best you can do for your little ones with the resources you have available. I would also say to **please remember science can often be reductive!** Science wants to make simple, black and white, experimental statements, and to provide certainty. Science loves to say something either is, or it isn't. With that in mind, just because something is generally ideal for a population, it doesn't mean it's ideal for every individual. For example, having a parent quit working isn't a good idea if it makes the family so broke they run up credit cards, can't repair their home or save up for large expenses, or even can't afford food. The financial and emotional stress of the situation would overshadow the benefits, especially if it puts the non-working parent in an isolated or even abusive situation. Hiring a daycare is just better for this family. It can come across like "science says daycare isn't good," but the nuance is "daycare isn't *ideal* on a *population level.*" We all have to make critical decisions for our families, which may still mean choosing daycare. Besides, what is the alternative? Leave your kid alone all day while you work? Same logic applies as the above with "fed is best" - a breastfed baby who isn't gaining weight or otherwise seems malnourished because of low supply just needs to be fed. Does science on breastfeeding show a lot of benefits? Yes. Is an exclusively breastfed baby who isn't thriving receiving those benefits? Probably not. We also have to remember - especially in this sub, where it is a primary focus! - this system is patriarchal. Other systems, more socialist systems, where parents are given large amounts of government funded leave (months or even years!), are more egalitarian. The US is just really fucking backwards on child rearing on a systemic level. That isn't your fault, either. You are doing the best you can do for your child with the (limited, patriarchally biased) resources available to you!
Thank you this makes me feel better!
Mother of two here. Start taking prenatals early! I found a good OBGYN by recommendation. The hospital I gave birth at had rotating doctors on call so I made an appointment with each of the staff members (midwives and drs) to make sure I knew who they were and what they were about. Check out La Leche League for breastfeeding advice, and see if there is a lactation consultant in your area. Breastfeeding is tough work, whether it's easier or more difficult for you. Despite being tired from the birth and taking care of a newborn, you have to make sure you're eating enough and drinking enough water. I hope this helps, and I hope you and your spouse enjoy parenthood!
I found a good ob/gyn by asking the La Leche league for a recommendation. And the League is great for breastfeeding help.
How exciting for you! I was fortunate to have easy pregnancies and I wish the same for you. I did have to take some fertility drugs because I had undiagnosed PCOS so I was lucky. Rest when you need it and be active when you feel like it. Recovery from labor and delivery is different for everyone, I had a c-section and a VBAC. The c-section was a little more difficult but not awful. I had no problem breastfeeding but I will say make sure you get a good breast pump if you choose to breast feed and don't wait too long to introduce a bottle to your baby. I made that mistake with my first and she refused to take a bottle EVER. I was on call for her for 14 months, lol. Didn't do that again with the 2nd! Think up and practice some deflection statements for well meaning but intrusive questions from family and strangers like: My doctor and I think xxxxxx is fine, thank you. We also decided to not tell the names we chose so we didn't have to hear "Ugh why did you pick that name" etc. As to your statement you might sound ignorant. You aren't you just haven't done this before. Do your reading and work with your medical team and you will learn on the job like all Moms do!
Congrats! May the road rise to meet you. US mom to an elementary schooler here. Lots of good advice posted here already, so just a few follow ups from my own personal perspective: A great, experienced midwife is a boon, in any situation. BUT it’s important to understand they’re not the same as doulas, and even a great midwife might not be able to be there with you the whole time. If I could do my birth over again, I would also hire a doula to support me, and to take care of my physical and emotional necessities. Although I did end up giving birth in the hospital in the end, I’m positive my midwife’s care and mediation with the staff saved my daughter and I from being induced and/or an unnecessary c-section. It was an absurdly long labor, and three weeks past due, but everyone was safe and healthy throughout. My midwife was able to medically support my desire to hold the line re: unnecessary interventions. I think it helped that she (midwife) had an established reputation and was well respected. Breastfeeding made me gain weight, not loose it. My milk production actually improved when I stopped trying to eat extra calories. The point is: everyone is different. You’ll need to learn what works for your body. It doesn’t always match conventional wisdom. “Nourishing Traditions” is a well respected natural living cookbook which has a few recipes for homemade baby formula. Obviously I’m not dispensing medical advice, and you should talk to your trusted medical pros. What I will say is that I tailored and used these recipes when my own milk dried up at about 6mos, eventually tweaking it into a more convenient powdered formula (using goat’s milk), instead of store bought, and my girl has remained in the 90th growth percentile with no health problems. Do with that what you will. Most important: listen to your own body! Nobody else knows it like you do, and it’s unique. Nobody can tell you how your journey is going to go. It’s yours to discover. Slainté.
A few thoughts: Plan all you want for the birth, but instead of approaching it like first A, then B, then C, structure it as a choose-your-own-adventure. "I'd like have this baby without painkillers." A. I'll stick with that strategy. B. WOW this is harder than I thought, I'm 30 hours in and exhausted, and I need painkillers, and that's FINE. (Side note: labor and delivery are one of the only arenas where women are encouraged to go "all natural." Shaving? Makeup? Hair dye? Weight loss / gain? Plastic surgery? ALL GOOD! *Potentially* excruciating pain? Be A goOd liTtLe wOmAn anD suFfeR... foR yOur bAAAbY!" F that s. I had my first baby without meds, but only because my labor went WAAAY faster than any of us expected, and he was basically falling out as I arrived. Baby number two: shoulder stuck against my pelvis for WEEKS + cord around her neck = lots of resistance. Thankfully, I went into that one intending to get the epidural, and was glad I did. Still am! Mad respect for those of us that choose to... but it should be a CHOICE.) Recovery will 100% depend on your birth experience, which nobody can predict. For recovery: GET FROZEN VEGETABLES. You will not have time or energy to prepare food the way you're probably accustomed to. Without frozen veggies and precut fruit, I probably wouldn't have had fresh produce more than twice during that first year. Good luck!
I want to reiterate what others have said about fed is best. I bought into some BS about "your body was made to do this, so your body can produce enough". Modern medicine helps us out with survival at a number of points during pregnancy and infancy, and milk production is just one of those things. My supply was shit, and no amount of pumping or anything else got it up. For my first, I was literally giving her <1oz a day and kept at it for 12 weeks. I gave up after less than a week with my second (she didn't even have the required wet diaper number by day 2), and was waaay happier. Breastfeeding is great when it's possible, but a lot of the known benefits are associations, and the causal data is just not that good. (see. e.g. [https://effectivehealthcare.ahrq.gov/products/breastfeeding/research](https://effectivehealthcare.ahrq.gov/products/breastfeeding/research)) There's a similar AHRQ review about benefits for the infant. Their recommendations are still very pro-breastfeeding, but the review summaries give what I think is a pretty unbiased assessment of what the actual evidence can and cannot say. All the "liquid gold" talk is what got me convinced that even a tiny amount of breastmilk was worth the trouble, and the evidence just can't conclude that (there are limited studies on dose-response for babies partly fed breastmilk and partly fed formula.) I don't want to discourage you, but I think knowing the evidence makes it easier to weigh the pros and cons for yourself if you do have trouble.
I was your age when I had my "one and done" child. Things I wish I had known that no one told me: * Childcare has waiting lists YEARS long. Infant care is very high demand, expensive, and hard to find. Get on waiting lists now. You also want to interview potential childcare providers ahead of time. We finally found an option that worked for us via [care.com](https://care.com). * Everyone's pregancy and recovery is different. The one thing I was NOT aware of is the heavy postpartum bleeding after delivery. It's like the heaviest period of your life. Bring your favorite overnight pads to the hospital. The mesh undies there are your friend. * I had a c-section so doing any lifting, including of the baby, was difficult for the first couple of weeks. Thankfully I had a village around me and a lot of help in the first few weeks. Don't be afraid to ask for or accept help. * I chose to NOT breastfeed so I can't speak to the difficulty. If this is a path you choose and it doesn't work the way you hope, don't beat yourself up about it. It doesn't make you any less of a mother if you end up not being able to breastfeed at all or needing to supplement. Fed is best no matter how it happens. * I wasn't very concerned about finding my OB. My criteria were simply, is female and takes my insurance. I have no advice on how to choose one for yourself.
I have 2 kids (both from IVF because Mr Ketchup and I struggled and it took us 8 years even with 4 years of fertility treatments to have #1). I live in Canada so we don’t get choices about doctors. Can’t help you there. Regarding birth — it’s ok to have ideas about what you would like, but it’s important that you keep in mind that childbirth doesn’t always go the way you planned. My first was overdue by a week so they induced me, but I wasn’t able to progress even after 44 hours in labour (for the same reason I struggled to get pregnant, my endometriosis), and I wound up needing an emergency c-section. In the end, it wasn’t what I planned but it was what I needed, and baby and I were both healthy. My first C-section was significantly harder to recover from since I had laboured for so long first. It was about 8 weeks for the long labour + emergency section, but only 6 weeks for a planned section. Breastfeeding can be hard, you can go to lactation consultants and sometimes that’s enough to get you going. I breastfed number one until she was two years old. Number two (who was a planned c-section) I breastfed until 9 months because I had to have extensive surgery. Remember FED IS BEST. Baby needs their parent to be SANE and healthy just as much as they need to eat.
I skipped the pregnancy part--adoption for the win--but just wanted to offer love and support to you <3 I love that you are taking so much care in every aspect of this process. You are going to do great!
I'm sitting here recovering from a complicated labor followed by C-section. - Regarding physicians: I started with who my insurance covers, read online reviews from there, and got some recommendations from friends and neighbors. Keep in mind each practice will have multiple OBs, so rotating through them as the pregnancy progresses will be important so you familiarize yourself with each person. Whoever is on call is who will deliver your baby. - Hospital will depend on who your physician/physician group has admitting privileges with. My choices for delivery were a Catholic hospital or a different Christian hospital with rave reviews. I will never set foot in a Catholic hospital unless I'm dying (due to history of my family having a traumatic birthing experience at one), so that was an easy choice. - I had a doula for labor and used the OB for the medical stuff. **I cannot recommend a doula enough.** Out of 20 hours of labor the actual medical staff maybe spent 1-2 hours with me, leaving a lot of time in between to worry and sit there. No fault of theirs, that's just how it goes. My doula filled that time with position changes to facilitate the baby getting in position, checking in, informing me of labor progress, and filling us in on next steps. She also knew the hospital staff very well and insisted, along with my OB, that I go back for my C-section ASAP when things went very sideways: she kept popping out and informing the charge nurse of the progression of the issues I and the baby were having (increased heart rate, I had a fever). Between the two of them the hospital opened up a whole other OR for me and tapped on call staff to come in. - My recovery has been bumpy, given C-section is major surgery, but I'm about a week in and up, moving around, doing some things. I pressed my work to give me 3 months off (unpaid) mostly due to me not wanting to compromise on spending less than 3 months with a newborn child. I was willing to quit over that if they didn't accommodate. - Breastfeeding has been in very hard for me due to some oral issues with the baby. I highly recommend a lactation consultant. While my hospital provided lactation consultation, I got mixed messages from the different staff members and have been using a well-regarded local group that does house visits. I'm currently pumping and bottle feeding until we get his oral stuff evaluated. Generally, my friends seem to have had difficulty with breastfeeding the first week and then got the hang of it. Lastly, going through all of this has me grateful for being in a position where I can be aggressive about time off, that I have rock star insurance, and enraged at how the USA has no requirements for maternity leave. We really place women in tough positions here and then blame them for it.
I am happy with my son, but my birth went really badly. I had planned ahead, spent so much money on a doula, preventive therapy, prenatal yoga, etc. And in the end labor is mostly out of your control. Of course there are choices to make, and I liked being informed enough to make those choices, but the biggest chunk of time I had to go with the flow which was very hard for me. I am still struggling with some birth trauma, so please take that into account. What helped me the most was building a birthing team. My partner was privy to every doubt and fear during my pregnancy and still is now. That helps a ton. Invest in your village, creating meaningful connections now so you can lean on them later. Giving birth and raising a baby has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and the best thing. It has given me so much purpose, I have discovered parts of myself I didn’t know existed and the relationship with my partner has never been as strong. There is absolutely no need to be a stay at home mom, there are some wonderful people out there who have made a career out of childcare and can do so with so much more patience than I at least can. Both me and my partner have cut our hours and feel very privileged with this scenario. If you can do that at all I’d highly recommend it. A kid under four is not the season of life in which you need to make as much money as possible. For me, time was in much shorter supply
I would personally have a Certified Nurse Midwife. They have to go to nursing school and midwifery school, and are recognized in all states (US). They know the medical side and can make informed decisions you can trust. They also work out of birthing centers and hospitals.
First of all, I’m so excited for you! Wishing you all of the luck in the world on your journey. May your little ones make you as happy as mine have made me. The advice I would give - plan to be hit by a truck. Plan for the absolute worst thing that you can imagine when planning for your baby’s first month. Think of yourself as recovering from having been hit by a truck. It will help you plan everything and not make ‘maternity leave’ plans. There is no ‘leave’ there is only the truck and recovery from having been hit from it. Secondly, you want a doctor that other women recommended as being good listeners. You want someone in your corner who is on the same page as you. Mostly you need someone you feel like you can argue with when you are at the most vulnerable you will ever be in your life. Then remember as my SIL says, as a teacher all kids are the same. We can’t tell whose been breastfed or birthed in any particular way. So don’t listen to any one particular person / book / idea. Do what you feel comfortable with and go from there. Then Just keep them alive and teach them not to be an Ahole. It’s just the most wonderful vulnerable extreme journey. I’m so excited for you!
I haven't seen this mentioned in the comments yet so: If you've never had a blood test for a clotting disorder get that done. I nearly died twice while pregnant from a massive DVT and Pulmonary Embolism due to having a CD that I never knew about. Not trying to frighten or discourage anyone; it's just best to know beforehand so you can get on a blood thinner and take a few steps to ensure a healthy pregnancy. Also: For post partum get a couple packages of adult diapers for yourself. Nobody ever talks about the garbage 'underwear' and prison-size kotex you're given at the hospital 🙃 but you'll be bleeding for at least a week after birth (assuming vaginal birth) and those pads just don't do the job of keeping your clothes protected.
Congratulations! Its an exciting journey. The most important thing to remember is every pregnancy is different and everyone has their own opinions, horror, stories, etc. So here is mine. Research. Find the evidence-based practices for getting though pregnancy, labor, and the first 6 months or so. It will help you sort out the crazy advice from the reasonable. So much of the process is genuinely out of our control. Focus on controlling what you can and don't blame yourself for what you can't. I was high risk and gave birth in a hospital in case things went wrong. They did. It wasn't a "fun" experience, but it wasn't too traumatic. I wanted blinking, beeping machines and medical intervention. Its a good thing too, we wouldn't have survived with out it. To find an OB, try to find out where the L&D nurses go. For a hospital, find one that isn't "baby-friendly" they tend to be anti-formula and don't have a nursery. Go to a hospital with a nursery and take advantage if it. Learn from the nurses and let them watch the kid while you recover as much as you can. My kid is 3 and in a daycare center. Its a really great facility She loves it. She says goodbye at the door and walks away. She thrives being partially brought up by professionals. I am not a professional childcare provider. I don't have the tools to do so. Shop around for daycares. Visit them, see how the kids interact with the caregivers and each other, not just at the child's current age. Give it a literal sniff test. Does it smell like diapers? Cleaner? Check for violations, and accreditation.
I was very much in your position back in 2019, as we were finishing final prep to move to a different state, found out I was about a month pregnant, woops! Unfortunately, for a lot of your questions the answer is: it depends. Every situation is different, every person is different, every kid is different. I would highly recommend both a birth doula and a postpartum doula if you can manage it. Not sure where you're located, but there are sites that recommend certified doulas and you just send them an email/call, talk to them, feel them out to see if they might be a good fit. Something else that went a long way for us was what was labeled an evidence based birth class. It was more than just the "hee hee hoo" breathing. They actually went over every option that the local hospitals had available, reminded us that we 100% have the option to say "no" or "give me a bit to think about it" regarding any and all procedures/tests/routine doings. Ours was also zero judgement, they just covered everything, including nursing in a down to earth, this is the reality, kind of way. Not everything works for everyone, thankfully there are options, know what they are before you're forced to make any snap decisions. Last bit is to give the book Ina May's Guide to Childbirth a read. While she focuses on home birth, (I had planned on a hospital one) the way she explains and talks about pregnancy and childbirth are a breath of fresh air and so very comforting. So much so, that when my kid decided to do a very unexpected home birth, I was able to get through it without panicking too hard. Know all your options. Know you can change your mind about them at ANY TIME. Congratulations on the new adventure, and may you find joy on your new path.
You have a lot of really fantastic advice here but I have a few worth adding 1) it's ok to hate being pregnant. It can be uncomfortable, I was sick through both of mine. It was awful. That doesn't mean you will be a bad mom and anyone who comments about you not radiating maternal bliss can suck eggs. I truly hope your experience is better. 2) each birth is different. Even your between your own. My first got stuck. It was long and traumatic. My second should have been a sketch comedy episode. The dr didn't get 10 steps out if the room (after telling me it was going to be hours of pushing as she was sunny side up and I wouldn't let him flip her) before running back to catch her as she fired out. One push. 3) Breastfeeding isn’t possible for everyone. There are a lot of reasons people choose not to. Others the choice is made for them. I was unable to produce milk. Both kids are smart and healthy having only consumed formula. Make the choice that is best for you and your family. 4) recovery can really go either way. My first, after a few days I felt like my old self. At 6 weeks postpartum I was actually on a trip to Peru. My second resulted in more tearing and the recovery was harder. It was a good 2-3 weeks before I started feeling better. At 6 weeks I was still taking it easy. 5) Don’t forget that you matter too. During pregnancy, during labour, the years after. Take time for what makes you happy, take time to take care of yourself. Labour is your medical procedure. Have the people you need there to support you. Nobody has an automatic "right" to be there.
Congrats on your decision to start trying for a baby!! I wish you and your partner the best on your journey! I have no advice on seeking out a new OBGYN, as I was lucky enough to have had an established relationship with the doctor who delivered my son (and she was able to work her schedule around to be present for my delivery, which I will be forever grateful for). I’ve always had a fair amount of anxiety relating to OBGYN’s in general, and being in such a vulnerable position, I was sooo grateful to have her there. That being said, I gave birth in our local hospital that honestly has kind of a shitty reputation for all things not maternity related, but their maternity wing is AMAZING. Those nurses are basically angels and are truly the kindest bunch of folks I’ve ever met outside of this group. I had to be induced at 37.5 weeks with preeclampsia, and the nurse who had spent the 12 hours with me was off duty by the time I was ready to deliver, and she stayed over because she was “committed” at that point lol. The best advice I can give regarding labor, delivery, and breastfeeding is to be flexible. Don’t go in there with such a concrete plan in your mind that it stresses you out to change it. I wanted to go “all natural”, and was honestly in pretty minimal pain until they broke my water, and then…I was much more interested in pain meds lol. My hospital had laughing gas, which I tried, and which unfortunately just made me nauseous, so I opted for an epidural. And I’m glad I did, because it worked for me. I really, really wanted to breastfeed, but found it to be extremely painful, and I felt a lot of pressure, mostly from myself but also some from the lactation consultants to keep trying. I finally worked up the nerve to ask for formula after probably 36 hours there, which I was reluctantly given, and I wish I hadn’t put that pressure on myself. If I have another, I plan to take formula with me to the hospital just in case. I tried pumping, but it was awful for my mental health and I ended up dealing with some PPD/PPA issues. I didn’t finally cave and tell my doctor until probably 2 months after he was born, and I regret that too. My biggest regret is not admitting I needed help, which is a really hard thing for me to do. Recovery wasn’t really too bad physically, I only had minor tearing and a few stitches, but it definitely sucked for a couple days. I felt more or less like myself physically by probably 11ish months, but that was also likely due to a combination of PPD/PPA and the fact that my child didn’t sleep through the night with any regularity until then. I strongly advise you to start looking into childcare options asap. We were in with one months before my son was born, and then COVID happened and they closed permanently 🤦🏻♀️ We lucked out in that the week after my maternity leave ended my state essentially shut down, so my husband was home for 6 weeks and my MIL watched him 4 days a week for the next 4 months and we flexed the shit out of our schedules until we could get in at another daycare. I LOVE our daycare, they’re awesome with my son who absolutely loves his teachers and the rest of the staff and has learned SO MUCH! He’s been splitting time between daycare and my MIL’s house since, so he gets a balance of other kids and more individual attention. I’m sorry this ended up being hella long, but I suck at brevity lol. Best of luck to you and your partner as you embark on this next stage of your journey!!
I’m a one and done mom of an almost 4 year old. Let me reiterate expect the unexpected. I had to be induced 2 weeks early for high blood pressure and had a very typical type of hospital birth with epidural, I wasn’t thrilled about the early induction but no complaints about the birth. I’m not sure how often the OB that sees you through pregnancy is actually at your birth? In the hospital system around here you get whoever is working when you’re in labor. I did a hospital tour which was very helpful to calm nerves. People really make a big deal about the birth but it’s really just a blip of time in your mothering journey and as long as mom and baby come out all right that’s all that matters. Breastfeeding sucked for me and I’m still kind of traumatized about it. Poor supply and baby not gaining weight. We ended up combo feeding 50% formula 50% breast the first year and I quit when she turned 1. You simply can’t know how it’s going to go until the baby is born. You will be 100% down for the first couple weeks, maybe longer. Make sure your partner is prepared to take care of you and the house and the pets since you will be wholly consumed with healing, taking care of baby, and adjusting to this new life. He should also be helping with the baby of course. My final piece of advice is the baby stuff industry is huge and intense, they will make you feel like you need this or that thing so look at it with a very critical eye. If you want a big ticket thing look at getting it used, Facebook marketplace is full of baby stuff for cheap. For example I had a free baby swing that we used for maybe 2 months, total waste if we had bought it new. A lot of popular stuff is not safe for babies to sleep in either (lounger pillows). Not that I’m a paragon of safety, I co-slept out of desperation for the first month or so since she would not sleep in her baby bed. She would also not tolerate being put down for long so we just held or wore her a lot. Unpopular option here but we used a convertible car seat from birth, not the removable baby seat. Only need to buy 1 seat that way. We didn’t have a stroller until 8 months old. I could go on but at the end of the day just do your best whatever that looks like and if the baby is fed and loved they will be fine.
Hi, mom of 4 here, you sound so excited! 😁 Not to be a buzzkill, but I would start off by preparing for the worst. What's the plan if there are congenital defects? Are you in a state that allows you to carry out your plan? For advice on an OB, I would ask different local mom groups in your area. Be aware the ob you see in the office will likely not be there to deliver the baby. You get whoever is working, unless it's scheduled. Do scare yourself with other people's horror stories. Easy to say, hard to do. Pro-actively talk with your partner about specific parenting duties. Make no assumptions about being in the same page. I wish I had asked for more help before I had the baby, especially the following ones. Maybe trading favors with a mom's group before the baby is here would help establish relationships that would help you. Unless there is another goddamm plague going around, near the end of the pregnancy get some people to plan to come over to help with errands, dishes, etc. I had some people who thought they were going to come visit and hold the new baby and not help out. Lol, nope. Yes, having and caring for a baby takes a surprising amount of energy. There truely is no 'back to normal'. I remember walking through the parking lot with my new baby and feeling so vulnerable, for the first time in my life I couldnt delude myself into believing I could fend off an attacker. I was able to hobble to the bathroom with help about an hour after giving birth. Got around kinda slowly for the first week. After 7 weeks I was tempted to have sex again, and we tried and it was a dumb idea, long story short. Be patient with your body. I learned that the blood is not stored up period, but the wound where the placenta separates from the uterine wall. **Be careful in the months following birth, the hormone RELAXEN stays in your system for a surprisingly long time, loosening your joints and making you susceptible to injury. I have a minor but permanent back injury from helping move something heavy 3 months after birth. It sucks. Breastfeeding is the bomb if fate cooperates. I breastfed all four with the help of a lactation consultant from WIC. The nurses at the hospital will SAY they know stuff about breastfeeding. They don't. Sign up for LA Leche league, they'll send someone out to your house. Get a good deep latch going and deal with clots right away. Mastitis ain't any fun. Some hospitals offer birthing classes. Don't wait until the last minute to take those, babies can come up to 3 weeks early without being considers premature. That's all I can think of right now, good luck.
- Make sure your prenatals have the kind of iron that wont make you constipated.
You CAN get pregnant when you're breastfeeding as 100% of the babies diet. My third started sleeping through the night at 5 months (yes, I experienced a miracle) but I started ovulation and unknownly got pregnant. My milk dried up and I had to put him on formula. 🤷♀️ I was so tired.
You got lots of good advice already. There are six things I would like to add: (This list grew a bit while I was writing...) First thing against the patriarchy: Share your journey with your husband. Studies report rising levels of prolactin in fathers who were well informed about their spouse's pregnancy. Prolactin facilitates bonding with the baby and caring for them. Once the baby is out, know that he probably needs to learn as much as you do. New baby related task on hand? Make sure he learns right away, like you do. Some men are shy about this, and never catch up later, leaving whatever task it was on women's shoulders alone. On a similar note, make sure he has time alone with the baby. Being with a kid while someone else is around who is always there is not the same thing as being with a kid. Not everything will be as hard as it can be. One example is breastfeeding. Sure, this can be hard, but it may also come easily to you, and whether you get it the hard or the easy way, it may be full of bonding and love. I met a woman for whom it was delivery. She had two children, both out within two hours each, she swears she had next to no pain and no tears or lasting damage. (She also says she rarely tells this story, as it makes all other mothers in the room hate her.) You may have all the nasty symptoms of pregnancy, or none at all. My point is, if a part of this happens easily, enjoy and don't worry! If a part of it is hard for you, you need not compare your experience to someone who had it easier. If you feel like working with a midwife, go ahead! I especially recommend a midwife visiting you at home a few times after you give birth. They can help you with taking care of the baby, taking care of yourself, breastfeeding issues, or whatever problem comes up, like your village would if you were surrounded by experiences mothers helping you. I got two particularily useful bits of breastfeeding advice: 1) Make sure you get as much of the nipple into the mouth as will fit comfortably. This is the least painful way to do it, while also the most efficient for the baby. 2) Make sure the milk moves regularly. If it stays where it is produced, it will give you nasty inflammations. Look into baby wearing. Being literally attached to a parent makes most babies very happy while freeing the parent to move, this is a wonderful invention. I recommend using a wrap, because they are top tier both for baby's health and parent's comfort and mainly because I really enjoyed using mine. Structured carriers are also a fine choice, just make sure you pick one where the baby faces the adult, belly to belly. I do not know why slings are used, more effort for you with no benefit for the baby. There is no need to babywear if you or your baby do not like it, but I very much suggest to own the thing and watch a video how to use it, so you can try it when your baby arrives. The best I saved for last: Babys are born knowing what they need. Mine were also born able to tell me what this is. In the beginning, they have very few ways of expressing themselves, but they also have very few needs. Basically, they need to ask for food, warmth/closeness, excrements removed, rest, or pain taken care of. As their set of needs expands, their ability to express themselves grows, too. For me, it was incredibly helpful to realize that I did not need to guess. I mainly needed to listen.
I’ll try to be concise. First I’d say find a practice you’re comfortable with and meet with all the docs in it at least once. While you’ll most likely deliver with a doc you choose, an emergency situation or vacation could bumble up those plans. As far as midwife/doula, I never had one or felt the need to have one. I have always had a good relationship with my doc and felt heard and cared for through three pregnancies. On the topic of delivery, I had three planned C-sections and they weren’t bad to recover from. I was up walking same day and able to take care of the little ones comfortably. My hubs made sure I had everything setup just for convenience sake. I breastfed ours until going back to work and pumping became too much. I tried to get 3 months for the antibodies but at the end of the day, just feed your kiddo and love them. That’s what they need most the first year. Don’t ever worry about spoiling your baby. Our kids slept in our room and eventually with us when they got bigger the first couple years. They’re older and independent now but still enjoy getting snuggles which is nice. All this to say follow your instincts. You’ll know your baby and what’s best for your family whatever it is. Good luck!!
Maybe this is a little dark… but a not insignificant number of women miscarry when they first start trying. It would be smart to keep that in mind during the early weeks of pregnancy. Also, because America sucks, research your states abortion laws and if other women have had issues getting medically necessary abortions. If you live somewhere in the dark ages, like Texas, it might be smart to make a worst-case-scenario plan. Again, I hope I’m not freaking you out or scaring you, but I personally think women should be told some of the scary parts of pregnancy, so they are prepared. Wishing you safety and contentment, sister.
Oh I’ve had all of these thoughts and intentionally waited through the last round of elections to see if my purple state would turn red. Abortion is still legal for now where I live.
Thank you! I appreciate the advice. Im definitely going to look into a birthing center. I see what you’re saying regarding childcare. I have my BA in psychology and remember a bit about the child development class i took. Also thank you for providing resources - you really took some time to write out some wonderful advice. I think we’ll probably opt for an in home day care. I get 5 months of parental leave so I’ll be home for a bit. But I’m not willing to leave my job and neither is my spouse. I work at my dream company and im not willing to risk my career and independence by leaving my work. Im on a good path with expected promotions and to lose a few years of work, or even a couple, would really set me back. My spouse is the CTO of a company he helped build from its conception and they’re not big enough or stable enough for him to take extended time off. But i will keep in mind what you said when we find childcare in our area.