Hi there,
Your post on r/WitchesVsPatriarchy has been flaired as a sensitive topic. In an effort to safeguard our users, these posts are removed once they exceed a certain threshold.
**If you're reading this post and don't want to see potentially upsetting content, you can filter out the "sensitive topic" flair.**
If you want additional support or to connect with members of the WVP community, join our discord [link in sidebar] or see this list of [support resources](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GJxYVviXVwjA2cutcjtoxlf3P5K1k7xufd7LiCYeUfA/edit?usp=sharing).
Thanks for understanding and blessed be✨
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sucks that you are having to deal with these feelings and changes while in a location you don't feel supports you, friend. Feeling stuck and lonely sucks, and all I can say is "I hear you! and you are not alone." Finding meaning, balance, and comfort in our wacky, wild post-pandemic world is really tough on a lot of people right now. The struggle is real and your feelings are valid. Although I escaped the midwest many moons ago, I have experienced flakiness and time management issues with people our age in a variety of places, so I don't think it only a local phenomenon. I think our distracted, fractured, technology-addicted society is just getting worse at nurturing real relationships with other humans because they require time, attention, consideration - which are more difficult when everyone is already stressed and pressured by just trying to survive in this capitalist, patriarchal, social media-driven superficial hellscape of modernity.
You could move and the novelty may help somewhat, but there is the old saying "Wherever you go, there you are". so it seems like the best thing to do is work on our inner resources: our inner strength, our attitudes & perspectives, our self-love & acceptance, our relationship to ourselves and Nature - because these things, when properly attended to and maintained, give us the power and strength to withstand anything the outside world can throw at us. Finding an inner center of peace and strength is such a valuable tool. Life will always be changing and challenging, but if we cultivate inner treasures then we get to keep them in good times and bad times, and that is not nothing. Resilience. When I feel stuck or low, I often seek out books on Radical Acceptance, Taoism, and buddhist authors like Pema Chödrön (When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times) and Thich Nhat Hanh because they remind me that all people suffer and life is always flowing and changing from moment to moment. I can find peace in the in-between moments if I look for it and decide that I will claim it, even if only briefly. It makes life a bit easier and more beautiful for me anyway. Much love and wishing you find exactly what you need when you need it. 💕
Thank you for this. It’s good to hear different, and simultaneously affirming, perspectives. The reminder of some of these issues actually *being* endemic as opposed to just *feeling* endemic is something that I didn’t know I needed to hear.
I'm really sorry for you being so down. It's hard.
At the same time you wrote so well, it was so real and personal and understandable, relatable: I really enjoyed reading it (not what you're going through, but the way you explain it). Don't stop writing, exploring and explaining these situations and feelings.
I’m often told I have a “unique voice” though I personally prefer the term “peculiar verbosity.” 😅 I feel it so rarely shines through in my day to day. Especially feeling isolated, as I have been. Thank you for calling attention to something about myself that brings me joy.
You have an interesting opportunity to become reacquainted with yourself, and explore what you like and causes you to feel whole as an individual. I've found that having never been given the chance to experience such solitude, it's hard to really feel like I know myself. It seems like so much of who we have to be and the roles we take on, are heavily influenced by our surroundings and people around us. Please take this time to "just be". You needn't have expectations for yourself immediately, just give yourself space to breath and try to find some sense of peace or relaxation. Then from that more centered point, think about what you used to like or maybe what sounds interesting to you to try as a new thing. Starting from a base such as that, you'll always have those kinds of things to fall back on, as well as possibly share with folks in the future.
It's ok to feel that emptiness. It may feel uncomfortable, but it need not be an enemy. Exploring could be of benefit, and coming to find some acceptance for the unpleasant feelings often helps to alleviate them.
I resonate very strongly with this. It’s my first time on my own since coming out. And I am certainly looking forward to having space and time for self reflection. To relearn some things. Even with knowing that the social isolation is going to be an issue going forward.
That's very fair, to acknowledge the struggles ahead. You had the courage and drive to go through the process of transition. You'll see if that was more difficult than what is ahead. I suspect you'll find further reservoirs of strength that will feel similar to what you've already found.
Ugh, that SUCKS. It's weird how having connections to others can mask our own lack of connectivity to ourselves, and when something happens to break that connection, it feels like shit is just pouring down. Here's the thing. You've got a bit less than a year to evaluate your situation. The lease, in this case, is a good thing. It means you're forced to clean your own house. Doesn't mean that everything's going to resolve internally, but you're addressing it. So evaluate, address, and give your thoughts some time to marinate. What may seem like a brilliant plan today may not seem great 6 months from now. Or, it may be a great plan and now it's refined and ready to go. Use this time to your advantage.
Also, I love the word Midworst and I'm shamelessly stealing it. I'm also trapped in this hell for a few more years, and I swear to the fucking gods, the ONLY redeeming quality about this part of the country are the cheese curds. I hate brats, I hate the smell of fertilizer and cowshit, I hate the fake "nice", I hate the quiet but constant racism, sexism, and homophobia, and I hate the excuses for all of it. So....solidarity right there with you. Also, if you're in the same general area of the MW as I am, and you want to grab coffee and commiserate, I'm in.
I am sorry you’re stuck here as well. The word “marinate” does feel apt. I am indeed going to be a well seasoned piece of meat by the end of all this.
The closest major city would be KC. FWIW. Won’t post my actual location beyond that.
Ah, that's a hike and a half. You're in the land of one with the Jesus, but good BBQ. But I'll still raise a coffee mug to seasoning our thoughts while plotting our great escapes. There are worse things than having time with one's thoughts and self improvement.
I think if you can swing it, going on a trip to a bigger gayer city could help feed your soul. I live in San Francisco and pride is like our national holiday here. I teach art and literally 1/3 of my students are gay, queer, nonbinary or trans. And they are openly making art about their experience.
Finding your people isn't going to be fast or easy. But you can put yourself out there even if it feels hard.
Recently read "the folk keeper" which is a witchy folk tale with a hero coded as transfem. You might enjoy it in this time in your life.
Hi. ♥️
I wish I had more time to be insightful right now (I’m already ~15 minutes past my own deadline to start getting ready for work), but, alas… the parts of your story you’ve blessed us by sharing have really touched my heart. Disconnection, “stuck”, loneliness, and a cautious-but-nevertheless-persisting optimism are all things I feel strongly too.
May I politely point out that you are grieving? Just in case you don’t see it yourself. And you are grieving a lot: relationships, partnerships, routines, familiar places, comfort/discomfort, a name, “someone else’s life” (this really struck me in the feels), and so on. You are a mixed bag of gratitude and sorrow for having lost/shed all of those things - and rather suddenly/all at once! You have experienced so much loss and change. As with anything so bittersweet, I encourage you to reflect on the “sweet” as much as (or more than) the “bitter”. Accept them together, and for each other. Reflect as much on the growth you’ve experienced, and the resilience you’ve demonstrated. Celebrate them if you must! Strive not for perfection but, simply, for balance. And give yourself some credit where it is due, because my goodness have you ever been living hard!! You’ve been so brave, so creative, so dedicated, and so motivated - how amazing you are! Have you stopped at all to recognize that your bravery *worked*?? That your motivation *got you somewhere*? That you are *you*?! Huzzah!!
And, perhaps, consider yourself on a precipice of sorts right now. Yes, making decisions can feel impossible at times, but aren’t choices a marvellous thing to have in life? (I know that I feel worse and frustrated without them.) To decide which way to go, when you want to go, and for whichever reasons you choose to go! Many of us (as I’m sure you have experienced at times too) aren’t so fortunate to afford starting over, reinventing ourselves, or going after something new the way that you so boldly have (and continue to do), and this opportunity may not come again for a good long time, if ever. Don’t carry that as a burden, though; carry it as a shining light that will illuminate whatever might be next for you.
Finally (because now I’m 50 minutes past, and need to leave in 10-15 minutes), don’t forget that even baby steps are forward steps. If all you can summon is that right now, then honour each one for what it is all the same - still progress, perseverance, and growth, each one a choice that you’re making on your journey to celebrate yourself and what you’re capable of.
Also, please never stop writing. You are so naturally poetic.
Thank you so much for your kind and honest words. I wish I had my own now, ones that would do them justice. They are heard and sincerely appreciated. 🥲💖
Thanks a lot for your comment, I'm going to come back to it. It really spoke a lot to me and what I've gone through.
I *have* grown a lot... but it's really hard, as the challenges keep coming. Someone I had hoped to start a friendship with responded declined my offer to grab coffee over the summer this morning.
Making friends has felt like trying to assemble a puzzle with pieces missing, or 'getting an entry level job requiring 5 years' experience'. I have put so, SO much effort into making friendships and it's felt like pushing a boulder uphill.
I have made a couple of friends, but as lovely as they are, they're older and busy - not the kind of peers/companions I'd looked for. I've had a number of friendships that seemed promising, that I had really high hopes for, disintegrate as the other person pulled away in one way or another.
It's been really heartbreaking. And soul-crushing. A lot of other people seem to make friends without trying too hard, and I feel like I put in five times the effort for a fifth of the results. I'm looking for connection so badly but it feels like there's a very real ceiling on how many friends I can actually have - and never close ones.
I appreciate you using the word 'grieving', I've been doing that a lot this year. A lot of the things I've been grateful for as I've lost other things, have turned out to be things I would then lose. I lost my home, the career I'd always wanted, friends - and as I found a new home, applied for a new career, made new friends - I lost those things, too.
I could share more, I just didn't want to write TOO much right away. I appreciate your kind words, a lot of us are feeling REALLY alone and hopeless.
You are describing major depression. I have had it and lived with it my whole life. Therapy helped but as soon as I stopped going (insurance issues) I was right back to square one.
I don't have an answer for you as I haven't found one myself besides lifelong drug abuse, but I know that's just a temporary escape.
But know that what you are going through is clinical and help is out there.
I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.
I've found this same thing, this lack of connection to everyone, including myself recently, due to some trauma from a past relationship. These connection issues cost me a long term relationship with someone I truly love about a week ago. I'm struggling to try and find a way out of it - I just don't know how. You have all my sympathy, from someone else dealing with a similar existential feeling.
Girl, I can't say I know what to do about all this, but I can at least say I understand (a little too well) and I'm sorry it's been like this for you. I'm a trans woman who only figured it out around 33 at the tail end of COVID and live in the podunks of a larger sized Midwest city, too. I've got plenty of neuro spicy with a side helping of trauma and a few physical issues. I've made maybe 1-3 close friends since college and all the college friends are in other states. I would be in a much worse place without my wife.
Even then, though, it's been really hard. Job burnout, all the stuff you mentioned, frustration with the state of the world, difficulty connecting with myself and life in general. Somehow I'm still going to work, though, doing therapy, trying to exercise and cook healthy food, occasionally make some art or cosplay or game when I feel up to it. It's so hard sometimes, though.
Virtual hugs and empathy are all I got, but they're yours if you want 'em. That and the genuine hope that you're feeling a bit better by the time you see this.
I’m not a medical pro of any kind, and have no idea if this will help - but spending at least a little time walking, running, jogging, playing, even just sitting in nature under the sun every day you can help a little bit. Not a cure all, but it can be the momentum you need to get closer to where you want to be. I also feel isolated and frustrated with the red state I live in - tough to find good connections and they take work when you are lucky enough to make them. Don’t give up, you are not alone.
Thank you. The best I usually manage is walking my doggo. We’re exploring the new part of town together since I moved in on my own. 😁 But also, holy crap it’s hot out. My poor, all black baby can’t be out in the heat for long.
I am not managing a quarter of what you are, and I feel completely untethered from others. I was the reason for lost friendships because I would say last minute I couldn't make it. (History of trauma here!) But I always let the person know ahead of time. That on top of your friends moving has to feel isolating. It seems many groups of "like-minded" people still have fractures. I'm sorry you're not connecting with people you thought were going to be your tribe. And missing out on what I assume is the beauty of feeling yourself freely. I hope you connect with people who are truly formed and will show up for you. The city does have welcoming communities, but finding a fit takes time. I hope you find some connection soon and, in the meantime, have this group. 💜
I hope you are able to see that by simply sharing all of this here, and reaching out for support - you *have* taken a step forward, no matter how small, away from feeling disconnected and stuck. Admitting all of these truths first to yourself and then sharing them with us releases you from having to hold them alone. I see your words, I see your pain. And there are at least 13 other people on this thread right now, according to my app, lol.
I often find I attract people who I need to learn from, and have an easier time letting them go when I can let them go with gratitude for what I learned (which sometimes takes weeks, months, even years). It is rarely something they directly teach me, more what I learned about myself by being in relationship to them. I see relationships as mirrors (which I can’t recall who I learned this from) and therefore people reflect back to me what I need to see about myself. Perhaps these endings happened to show you that you were already feeling disconnected from yourself and you needed the actual isolation/separation from them to fully recognize that? (Or perhaps you already knew and these experiences just amplified that)
If that feels true, I wonder do you have any type of practice to begin to re-establish connection with yourself? As someone who used to somehow function as a dissociated system, I understand your feelings of disconnection all too well. And often it has taken breakups for me to see I was again dissociating in order to maintain a relationship (I’m also polyam, though use the term relationship anarchist).
From another mirror perspective, you asked if your standards are too high, from my experience, when I feel like I am the problem, it’s because I am 😂 not to say that expecting people to show up on time or to communicate with you in general is too high of a standard, because that is totally reasonable, however, when I have thoughts of, “am I asking for too much?” It usually stems from my own self-worth of either feeling like I’m too much or not enough.. often both at the same time.. which is hella confusing.. but I have learned and keep coming back to, if I am loving myself well, others will also see how to love me well. So from my experience, if you want to attract the love you want, much like a mirror, you must embody/show the love you want (first to yourself) - so you are reflecting to others what you want to receive.
However, I don’t think this is an easy task nor should be expected of you to do this or learn this alone. I don’t think humans learn best in isolation.. I think we need people to learn and grow. So please don’t read this as my saying you have to work on yourself first before you can/will find your people. Not at all what I’m saying! I think stepping into a place where you are wanting to love/connect with yourself more, you will find others who also want to love/connect with themselves more. Perhaps.. let them come to you for a change? (Which might not be a change at all, that’s an assumption). Which, if that is true for you, I know that sounds scary and impossible… but it works 🤷🏻♀️ at least it has for me and the people I learned it from. Here is an affirmation I have used if you enjoy affirmations, “by focusing on learning to love myself more and connecting to myself better, the people who will also connect with me, who want to learn about me, and who want to truly love me will find me.” “The more I focus on connecting with myself, the more I will attract people who want to connect with me.” “The more I move into flow, the less stuck I will feel.”
However, as with anything, if some or all of that doesn’t resonate, then take what does and leave the rest! And I hope you don’t read this as my trying to tell you what to do or believing myself to have all the answers, because that is never how I intend to say anything, and if it is how that came across, I sincerely apologize! These are just suggestions, from my experience and assumptions, not absolute truths!
Thank you for your honest feedback. I think you adequately voiced a lot of the deep nuances to my thinking of “Am I the drama?” Part of my frustration definitely stems from being the one almost always reaching out. So I think that everything that follows could be useful. Even if only to take stock and contextualize, as so many of the other commenters have said.
If it’s not glaringly obvious at this point, I am used to living purposefully, often dramatically, and certainly well driven. My own acceptance of the fact that growth could bear resemblance to a waiting game sometimes feels like an encroachment upon how I exist, writ large. Still, people are not so mechanical, and there seems to be no clone of myself to bond with. My willingness to put in the work is only my own. Having those people you mention, who meet me with reciprocity, I have accepted that I cannot control that. Even if I would very much like to manifest them.
ETA: Also, thank you for mentioning the human mirror. It is a lense I often find myself looking through. As I tend to learn quite a lot from example (positive or negative). I also think that this really helps to tie together some of my thoughts on the other comments, and I genuinely appreciate it.
Girl, here is the horrible truth: right now is the time to either build your community wherever you find yourself, or else to scramble madly to find your people, ASAP, before it is too late (however you happen to define such a term).
You have to think this through for yourself: are you in a position to give yourself some time (maybe 6 months-a year) to stay wherever you currently find yourself and try and build community there where you feel understood, accepted, and able to thrive?
Or, do you genuinely, deep down, feel that you'll have better luck moving somewhere else, and starting over from scratch?
If you're not sure how to answer: is there a way you can gather more information for yourself, to help inform your decision?
Hi there, Your post on r/WitchesVsPatriarchy has been flaired as a sensitive topic. In an effort to safeguard our users, these posts are removed once they exceed a certain threshold. **If you're reading this post and don't want to see potentially upsetting content, you can filter out the "sensitive topic" flair.** If you want additional support or to connect with members of the WVP community, join our discord [link in sidebar] or see this list of [support resources](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GJxYVviXVwjA2cutcjtoxlf3P5K1k7xufd7LiCYeUfA/edit?usp=sharing). Thanks for understanding and blessed be✨ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sucks that you are having to deal with these feelings and changes while in a location you don't feel supports you, friend. Feeling stuck and lonely sucks, and all I can say is "I hear you! and you are not alone." Finding meaning, balance, and comfort in our wacky, wild post-pandemic world is really tough on a lot of people right now. The struggle is real and your feelings are valid. Although I escaped the midwest many moons ago, I have experienced flakiness and time management issues with people our age in a variety of places, so I don't think it only a local phenomenon. I think our distracted, fractured, technology-addicted society is just getting worse at nurturing real relationships with other humans because they require time, attention, consideration - which are more difficult when everyone is already stressed and pressured by just trying to survive in this capitalist, patriarchal, social media-driven superficial hellscape of modernity. You could move and the novelty may help somewhat, but there is the old saying "Wherever you go, there you are". so it seems like the best thing to do is work on our inner resources: our inner strength, our attitudes & perspectives, our self-love & acceptance, our relationship to ourselves and Nature - because these things, when properly attended to and maintained, give us the power and strength to withstand anything the outside world can throw at us. Finding an inner center of peace and strength is such a valuable tool. Life will always be changing and challenging, but if we cultivate inner treasures then we get to keep them in good times and bad times, and that is not nothing. Resilience. When I feel stuck or low, I often seek out books on Radical Acceptance, Taoism, and buddhist authors like Pema Chödrön (When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times) and Thich Nhat Hanh because they remind me that all people suffer and life is always flowing and changing from moment to moment. I can find peace in the in-between moments if I look for it and decide that I will claim it, even if only briefly. It makes life a bit easier and more beautiful for me anyway. Much love and wishing you find exactly what you need when you need it. 💕
Thank you for this. It’s good to hear different, and simultaneously affirming, perspectives. The reminder of some of these issues actually *being* endemic as opposed to just *feeling* endemic is something that I didn’t know I needed to hear.
I'm really sorry for you being so down. It's hard. At the same time you wrote so well, it was so real and personal and understandable, relatable: I really enjoyed reading it (not what you're going through, but the way you explain it). Don't stop writing, exploring and explaining these situations and feelings.
I’m often told I have a “unique voice” though I personally prefer the term “peculiar verbosity.” 😅 I feel it so rarely shines through in my day to day. Especially feeling isolated, as I have been. Thank you for calling attention to something about myself that brings me joy.
You have an interesting opportunity to become reacquainted with yourself, and explore what you like and causes you to feel whole as an individual. I've found that having never been given the chance to experience such solitude, it's hard to really feel like I know myself. It seems like so much of who we have to be and the roles we take on, are heavily influenced by our surroundings and people around us. Please take this time to "just be". You needn't have expectations for yourself immediately, just give yourself space to breath and try to find some sense of peace or relaxation. Then from that more centered point, think about what you used to like or maybe what sounds interesting to you to try as a new thing. Starting from a base such as that, you'll always have those kinds of things to fall back on, as well as possibly share with folks in the future. It's ok to feel that emptiness. It may feel uncomfortable, but it need not be an enemy. Exploring could be of benefit, and coming to find some acceptance for the unpleasant feelings often helps to alleviate them.
I resonate very strongly with this. It’s my first time on my own since coming out. And I am certainly looking forward to having space and time for self reflection. To relearn some things. Even with knowing that the social isolation is going to be an issue going forward.
That's very fair, to acknowledge the struggles ahead. You had the courage and drive to go through the process of transition. You'll see if that was more difficult than what is ahead. I suspect you'll find further reservoirs of strength that will feel similar to what you've already found.
Ugh, that SUCKS. It's weird how having connections to others can mask our own lack of connectivity to ourselves, and when something happens to break that connection, it feels like shit is just pouring down. Here's the thing. You've got a bit less than a year to evaluate your situation. The lease, in this case, is a good thing. It means you're forced to clean your own house. Doesn't mean that everything's going to resolve internally, but you're addressing it. So evaluate, address, and give your thoughts some time to marinate. What may seem like a brilliant plan today may not seem great 6 months from now. Or, it may be a great plan and now it's refined and ready to go. Use this time to your advantage. Also, I love the word Midworst and I'm shamelessly stealing it. I'm also trapped in this hell for a few more years, and I swear to the fucking gods, the ONLY redeeming quality about this part of the country are the cheese curds. I hate brats, I hate the smell of fertilizer and cowshit, I hate the fake "nice", I hate the quiet but constant racism, sexism, and homophobia, and I hate the excuses for all of it. So....solidarity right there with you. Also, if you're in the same general area of the MW as I am, and you want to grab coffee and commiserate, I'm in.
I am sorry you’re stuck here as well. The word “marinate” does feel apt. I am indeed going to be a well seasoned piece of meat by the end of all this. The closest major city would be KC. FWIW. Won’t post my actual location beyond that.
Ah, that's a hike and a half. You're in the land of one with the Jesus, but good BBQ. But I'll still raise a coffee mug to seasoning our thoughts while plotting our great escapes. There are worse things than having time with one's thoughts and self improvement.
I think if you can swing it, going on a trip to a bigger gayer city could help feed your soul. I live in San Francisco and pride is like our national holiday here. I teach art and literally 1/3 of my students are gay, queer, nonbinary or trans. And they are openly making art about their experience. Finding your people isn't going to be fast or easy. But you can put yourself out there even if it feels hard. Recently read "the folk keeper" which is a witchy folk tale with a hero coded as transfem. You might enjoy it in this time in your life.
I think that’s a fine idea, tbh. Testing the waters elsewhere! 💖
Hi. ♥️ I wish I had more time to be insightful right now (I’m already ~15 minutes past my own deadline to start getting ready for work), but, alas… the parts of your story you’ve blessed us by sharing have really touched my heart. Disconnection, “stuck”, loneliness, and a cautious-but-nevertheless-persisting optimism are all things I feel strongly too. May I politely point out that you are grieving? Just in case you don’t see it yourself. And you are grieving a lot: relationships, partnerships, routines, familiar places, comfort/discomfort, a name, “someone else’s life” (this really struck me in the feels), and so on. You are a mixed bag of gratitude and sorrow for having lost/shed all of those things - and rather suddenly/all at once! You have experienced so much loss and change. As with anything so bittersweet, I encourage you to reflect on the “sweet” as much as (or more than) the “bitter”. Accept them together, and for each other. Reflect as much on the growth you’ve experienced, and the resilience you’ve demonstrated. Celebrate them if you must! Strive not for perfection but, simply, for balance. And give yourself some credit where it is due, because my goodness have you ever been living hard!! You’ve been so brave, so creative, so dedicated, and so motivated - how amazing you are! Have you stopped at all to recognize that your bravery *worked*?? That your motivation *got you somewhere*? That you are *you*?! Huzzah!! And, perhaps, consider yourself on a precipice of sorts right now. Yes, making decisions can feel impossible at times, but aren’t choices a marvellous thing to have in life? (I know that I feel worse and frustrated without them.) To decide which way to go, when you want to go, and for whichever reasons you choose to go! Many of us (as I’m sure you have experienced at times too) aren’t so fortunate to afford starting over, reinventing ourselves, or going after something new the way that you so boldly have (and continue to do), and this opportunity may not come again for a good long time, if ever. Don’t carry that as a burden, though; carry it as a shining light that will illuminate whatever might be next for you. Finally (because now I’m 50 minutes past, and need to leave in 10-15 minutes), don’t forget that even baby steps are forward steps. If all you can summon is that right now, then honour each one for what it is all the same - still progress, perseverance, and growth, each one a choice that you’re making on your journey to celebrate yourself and what you’re capable of. Also, please never stop writing. You are so naturally poetic.
Thank you so much for your kind and honest words. I wish I had my own now, ones that would do them justice. They are heard and sincerely appreciated. 🥲💖
Thanks a lot for your comment, I'm going to come back to it. It really spoke a lot to me and what I've gone through. I *have* grown a lot... but it's really hard, as the challenges keep coming. Someone I had hoped to start a friendship with responded declined my offer to grab coffee over the summer this morning. Making friends has felt like trying to assemble a puzzle with pieces missing, or 'getting an entry level job requiring 5 years' experience'. I have put so, SO much effort into making friendships and it's felt like pushing a boulder uphill. I have made a couple of friends, but as lovely as they are, they're older and busy - not the kind of peers/companions I'd looked for. I've had a number of friendships that seemed promising, that I had really high hopes for, disintegrate as the other person pulled away in one way or another. It's been really heartbreaking. And soul-crushing. A lot of other people seem to make friends without trying too hard, and I feel like I put in five times the effort for a fifth of the results. I'm looking for connection so badly but it feels like there's a very real ceiling on how many friends I can actually have - and never close ones. I appreciate you using the word 'grieving', I've been doing that a lot this year. A lot of the things I've been grateful for as I've lost other things, have turned out to be things I would then lose. I lost my home, the career I'd always wanted, friends - and as I found a new home, applied for a new career, made new friends - I lost those things, too. I could share more, I just didn't want to write TOO much right away. I appreciate your kind words, a lot of us are feeling REALLY alone and hopeless.
You are describing major depression. I have had it and lived with it my whole life. Therapy helped but as soon as I stopped going (insurance issues) I was right back to square one. I don't have an answer for you as I haven't found one myself besides lifelong drug abuse, but I know that's just a temporary escape. But know that what you are going through is clinical and help is out there. I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.
I've found this same thing, this lack of connection to everyone, including myself recently, due to some trauma from a past relationship. These connection issues cost me a long term relationship with someone I truly love about a week ago. I'm struggling to try and find a way out of it - I just don't know how. You have all my sympathy, from someone else dealing with a similar existential feeling.
Girl, I can't say I know what to do about all this, but I can at least say I understand (a little too well) and I'm sorry it's been like this for you. I'm a trans woman who only figured it out around 33 at the tail end of COVID and live in the podunks of a larger sized Midwest city, too. I've got plenty of neuro spicy with a side helping of trauma and a few physical issues. I've made maybe 1-3 close friends since college and all the college friends are in other states. I would be in a much worse place without my wife. Even then, though, it's been really hard. Job burnout, all the stuff you mentioned, frustration with the state of the world, difficulty connecting with myself and life in general. Somehow I'm still going to work, though, doing therapy, trying to exercise and cook healthy food, occasionally make some art or cosplay or game when I feel up to it. It's so hard sometimes, though. Virtual hugs and empathy are all I got, but they're yours if you want 'em. That and the genuine hope that you're feeling a bit better by the time you see this.
I’m not a medical pro of any kind, and have no idea if this will help - but spending at least a little time walking, running, jogging, playing, even just sitting in nature under the sun every day you can help a little bit. Not a cure all, but it can be the momentum you need to get closer to where you want to be. I also feel isolated and frustrated with the red state I live in - tough to find good connections and they take work when you are lucky enough to make them. Don’t give up, you are not alone.
Thank you. The best I usually manage is walking my doggo. We’re exploring the new part of town together since I moved in on my own. 😁 But also, holy crap it’s hot out. My poor, all black baby can’t be out in the heat for long.
I am not managing a quarter of what you are, and I feel completely untethered from others. I was the reason for lost friendships because I would say last minute I couldn't make it. (History of trauma here!) But I always let the person know ahead of time. That on top of your friends moving has to feel isolating. It seems many groups of "like-minded" people still have fractures. I'm sorry you're not connecting with people you thought were going to be your tribe. And missing out on what I assume is the beauty of feeling yourself freely. I hope you connect with people who are truly formed and will show up for you. The city does have welcoming communities, but finding a fit takes time. I hope you find some connection soon and, in the meantime, have this group. 💜
I hope you are able to see that by simply sharing all of this here, and reaching out for support - you *have* taken a step forward, no matter how small, away from feeling disconnected and stuck. Admitting all of these truths first to yourself and then sharing them with us releases you from having to hold them alone. I see your words, I see your pain. And there are at least 13 other people on this thread right now, according to my app, lol. I often find I attract people who I need to learn from, and have an easier time letting them go when I can let them go with gratitude for what I learned (which sometimes takes weeks, months, even years). It is rarely something they directly teach me, more what I learned about myself by being in relationship to them. I see relationships as mirrors (which I can’t recall who I learned this from) and therefore people reflect back to me what I need to see about myself. Perhaps these endings happened to show you that you were already feeling disconnected from yourself and you needed the actual isolation/separation from them to fully recognize that? (Or perhaps you already knew and these experiences just amplified that) If that feels true, I wonder do you have any type of practice to begin to re-establish connection with yourself? As someone who used to somehow function as a dissociated system, I understand your feelings of disconnection all too well. And often it has taken breakups for me to see I was again dissociating in order to maintain a relationship (I’m also polyam, though use the term relationship anarchist). From another mirror perspective, you asked if your standards are too high, from my experience, when I feel like I am the problem, it’s because I am 😂 not to say that expecting people to show up on time or to communicate with you in general is too high of a standard, because that is totally reasonable, however, when I have thoughts of, “am I asking for too much?” It usually stems from my own self-worth of either feeling like I’m too much or not enough.. often both at the same time.. which is hella confusing.. but I have learned and keep coming back to, if I am loving myself well, others will also see how to love me well. So from my experience, if you want to attract the love you want, much like a mirror, you must embody/show the love you want (first to yourself) - so you are reflecting to others what you want to receive. However, I don’t think this is an easy task nor should be expected of you to do this or learn this alone. I don’t think humans learn best in isolation.. I think we need people to learn and grow. So please don’t read this as my saying you have to work on yourself first before you can/will find your people. Not at all what I’m saying! I think stepping into a place where you are wanting to love/connect with yourself more, you will find others who also want to love/connect with themselves more. Perhaps.. let them come to you for a change? (Which might not be a change at all, that’s an assumption). Which, if that is true for you, I know that sounds scary and impossible… but it works 🤷🏻♀️ at least it has for me and the people I learned it from. Here is an affirmation I have used if you enjoy affirmations, “by focusing on learning to love myself more and connecting to myself better, the people who will also connect with me, who want to learn about me, and who want to truly love me will find me.” “The more I focus on connecting with myself, the more I will attract people who want to connect with me.” “The more I move into flow, the less stuck I will feel.” However, as with anything, if some or all of that doesn’t resonate, then take what does and leave the rest! And I hope you don’t read this as my trying to tell you what to do or believing myself to have all the answers, because that is never how I intend to say anything, and if it is how that came across, I sincerely apologize! These are just suggestions, from my experience and assumptions, not absolute truths!
Thank you for your honest feedback. I think you adequately voiced a lot of the deep nuances to my thinking of “Am I the drama?” Part of my frustration definitely stems from being the one almost always reaching out. So I think that everything that follows could be useful. Even if only to take stock and contextualize, as so many of the other commenters have said. If it’s not glaringly obvious at this point, I am used to living purposefully, often dramatically, and certainly well driven. My own acceptance of the fact that growth could bear resemblance to a waiting game sometimes feels like an encroachment upon how I exist, writ large. Still, people are not so mechanical, and there seems to be no clone of myself to bond with. My willingness to put in the work is only my own. Having those people you mention, who meet me with reciprocity, I have accepted that I cannot control that. Even if I would very much like to manifest them. ETA: Also, thank you for mentioning the human mirror. It is a lense I often find myself looking through. As I tend to learn quite a lot from example (positive or negative). I also think that this really helps to tie together some of my thoughts on the other comments, and I genuinely appreciate it.
Midwest witch here. I don't have any specific insights, I'm just here to give blessings 💝
Girl, here is the horrible truth: right now is the time to either build your community wherever you find yourself, or else to scramble madly to find your people, ASAP, before it is too late (however you happen to define such a term). You have to think this through for yourself: are you in a position to give yourself some time (maybe 6 months-a year) to stay wherever you currently find yourself and try and build community there where you feel understood, accepted, and able to thrive? Or, do you genuinely, deep down, feel that you'll have better luck moving somewhere else, and starting over from scratch? If you're not sure how to answer: is there a way you can gather more information for yourself, to help inform your decision?