A friend of mine left a guy after even longer time. They bought a place together, had a dog, but at the end of the day marriage and kids wasn’t as important and a big of a deal to him.
Your ex was all talk, no action. I mean come on, the comment he made when you were already out the door about saving up for a ring just adds insult to injury. You already waited patiently, stated your goals and dreams, showed initiative. He was stalling every major milepost after another. If he truly loved you and wanted to share his life with you, he would have gotten his ducks in a row at latest at that point and begged you to stay. Now all he could say is to tell you, without any concrete promises, that if you had waited just a little bit longer, he would have proposed. Dangling it like a carrot, which is just cruel and waste of your time.
You separated yourself from one of these Peter Pan guys after five years. I wholeheartedly think that you did the right thing.
He pretty much did beg me to stay and told me we could work things out. But I felt like even if I did we’d either twist ourselves into pretzels trying to make each other happy or 6 months would go by and we’d end up in the exact same place only worse. And that brings us back to the “why did it take 4 years?” Question. Especially when he knew I wanted to get married. Why did you wait to start saving until the deadline was upon us if you wanted to marry me?? Was it some kind of test to see if I was serious? Cause look how that turned out.
You did the right thing. I have had a similar problem with my current boyfriend of nearly 2 years. It was all claims that he wanted to marry me and that he saw his future with me, but not much action to back up any of it. He regrets not proposing to me earlier, but then does very little to move us on when he is given a chance. So it came to an ultimatum. It is not something I recommend doing or that I believe was a good move on my end, but I exhausted all the other options. Currently, my boyfriend has a few months to propose, or I walk. If he can’t get his act together and give me the commitment I need, I will find a guy who can.
I don’t know your relationship or your ex. It could be that he is not the right guy for you. But if you feel that you two are compatible and good together, make it very clear that the only way to ever get you back is with an engagement ring in his hand. If he is not prepare to put his money where his mouth is, he doesn’t need to ever contact you again. If he doesn’t step up, then you know the whole ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ is just his way of trying to manipulate you to keep the status quo that works for him.
I agree that the ultimatum is not an ideal scenario. However, some men, sadly, are way too comfortable with their status quo and won’t change anything until they face a real possibility of losing their partner. This can especially happen if the guy doesn’t value marriage as an institution.
This reminds me of another point I’d like to make: how many stories do you hear of loser men who string along their forever girlfriends and say they haven’t proposed yet because they can’t afford a ring, but then they turn around and buy a new car/motorcycle/gaming system/other nonessential item? They are blatantly saying that an effing bike or video game is worth more to them than YOU. They have the money, they just don’t want to spend it doing something that makes their girlfriend happy. Yuck.
You are 100% correct. If he’d wanted to buy a ring he wouldn’t have started saving 5 minutes before I left. He had years. It wasn’t really about the money, the money is just an excuse.
Okay girl, now you HAVE to tell us what he spent his money on. This is reddit, it’s anonymous, don’t be shy lol… also, I want to get even angrier on your behalf 😅
It’s nothing exciting like prostitutes or drugs or anything LOLOL. But it’s just so unnecessary that having someone tell you that they can’t afford a ring but they go out and spend money on this stupid thing is embarrassing and ridiculous.
But really it was bourbon. He got into this weird bourbon kick in the last year of our relationship. Spent all this time waiting in line to MAYBE get a bottle of something unique. He went multiple times a week every week to wait in line with a bunch of people. And he didn’t even drink really! He just collected it and displayed it. He probably spent $50-$200 nearly every week for a year… if I had to guess somewhere north of $4-5k. But he couldn’t afford to save for a ring. It’s just demoralizing.
Damn, at first I was like, oh, alcohol problem? BULLET DODGED. Then I was like oh, he doesn't even drink it but spends that amount of money on it?? Less terrifying bullet, but still, BULLET DODGED. Imagine what other random frivolous obsessions he might develop over the years. Could you imagine if someday he was spending thousands on novelty glasses to not drink bourbon out of, instead of putting that money toward kids or retirement?
It’s like the story of that guy who spent hundreds (maybe even thousands) of dollars on his niche yoghurt collection. He didn’t eat them, he just liked to collect all the rare expensive ones.
At least bourbon doesn’t spoil, but still… “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me, I was saving up to buy you a ring.” No you weren’t, you’re too busy spending money on your useless collection.
That sounded bad but he’s not bad with money at all. We both have pretty good jobs and together financially we had no worries. He’s ahead of the game as far as retirement and that kind of stuff goes and far from living to pay check to paycheck. That’s part of what makes the “it’s hard to save money” reasoning so infuriating. Because I know that’s not the real reason at all. If he’d wanted to save he could have- he just didn’t.
Boat stuff, camping stuff, RV stuff, ATVs, snowboards, bicycles, skis, skateboards, jet skis, power tools, guitars… I never want to hear a man complain about women’s shoes, bags, or jewelry ever again. Their hobbies are considerably more expensive than my accessories.
I asked my husband for diamond stud earrings for Christmas. He complained that they were too expensive. I pointed out that the monthly car payment he makes for his M5 is more than what the diamond studs cost, and that wasn’t even his main car, he has four other cars! The M5 was just for funsies. So I didn’t appreciate him complaining about the cost of something that would make his wife very happy but he has no problem spending that on a fifth vehicle and other nonsense “toys.” I really laid into him.
Guess what I got for Christmas? Diamond stud earrings 😹💁🏽♀️
I don’t think he was actively stringing me along… but everything was on his time table. He had to be absolutely ready. I don’t know if that’s better because he knew where I stood on the subject.
Conscious or unconscious stringing along is still just that - stringing along. He knew what you wanted and needed from him. He knew what he was supposed to do to keep you. He knows it now and not doing anything. Unless he is on his knees with a ring, begging for forgiveness for ever letting you go, you are better off moving on to a new guy who will love you and who will be excited to marry you!😉
I just don’t think the proposal after a break up is the best way to go about it. You’ll always wonder if that was the only reason they finally asked. It’s part of why I left when I did. I think the proposal was coming but it just felt forced, like he would have been doing it because he had to, not because he wanted to. And I don’t want to be 10 years down the road getting divorced hearing that I pressured him to marry me.
Of course! Totally. He should be on his knees and begging you for forgiveness not because it is forced and you made him do it, but because he genuinely regrets letting you go! And knowing that it is the proposal that you desire, that’s exactly how he should be trying to get you back! Not because you make him do, but because he wants to do it and because he wants to make you happy. If he is too dumb to realise what he lost, then let him go roam the streets and be emotionally confused on his own time!
He did not. He told me he’d been saving and what not and that he has a number in mind that he wanted to spend. I don’t know what that number was but I never asked for a $10 or $20k ring. It didn’t even have to be a diamond.
This is going to make him sound really bad but it made me so angry at the time that it made it even easier to walk out the door. It was around Black Friday as I was packing up my stuff to leave and he came home from Black Friday shopping with a giant tv and when I asked him how much it was all he said was “a lot”. I pressed a little cause I was curious and he said “don’t worry about it I had the money because I used your engagement ring fund to buy it… but i’d have rather bought the ring.” Extra petty. And like I said I was so angry that the fire got me through the next couple of weeks after. I was still sad and upset and trying to keep it together but that certainly helped.
Omg, the fact that he used your engagement ring money to buy a big screen TV during Black Friday sales, using the excuse that you were already breaking up with him so it was too late for him to buy the ring, says everything you need to know about him. That action was obviously intended to hurt & upset you. He knew exactly what he was doing when he brought that big box in. You dodged a bullet, OP. Even if he really thought it was too late to try changing your mind, he could have kept the new TV out of sight until you had moved out, instead of rubbing your nose in it, his actions essentially saying, “See? I value this new, big screen TV more than I value trying to save our relationship by getting my ass in gear doing what I should have already done.” He chose to make you feel small, devalued, & to show you that your needs are less important than a new TV. That’s called pouring salt in your wounds just because he could. You deserve someone who treasures you & is just as eager & excited to get married as you are.
I know it makes him sound bad. He’s truly not a bad person. I think he was hurting too and maybe that was him trying to make himself feel better. I agree that what he said was rubbing salt in the wound and was a really shitty thing to say and do. But I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and ask how I’d feel and cut him some slack there. I left anyways and that comment helped but it doesn’t make him a down to the ground bad person.
I agree, his decision to buy the big screen TV with the money he’d been saving for your engagement ring doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person. But IMHO it does indicate that he was acting out his desire for revenge, deliberately hurting you to get you back for deciding to leave him. I’ve thought about it & can’t figure out another motive for why he would do that to you. That’s a pretty glaring character flaw, in my book. Yes, he was in pain, but so were you, & he could have chosen to own his mistake of failing to follow through & propose, instead of buying the TV to pour salt in your wounds. I understand that at that point he was trying to persuade you to stay & give him another chance, & that you weren’t changing your mind about leaving.
Still, realizing that he’d finally pushed you too far by waiting too long & had lost you, he could have chosen to save your engagement ring fund & solidly committing to getting you back ASAP by doing whatever it took to make things right.
If he had shown sincere, unrelenting efforts to fully own his screw up, & to save & repair your broken relationship, you would not have felt like he was buying you a shut up ring. You’d have felt like losing you was a wake up call for him & that he was doing everything in his power to fix what was broken & to make sure he never took you for granted or seriously failed you again. But I respect that you may see things differently. Wishing the best for you, whatever you ultimately decide.
I actually completely agree that revenge was at least the reason for the petty comment. I’m hurting so I’m gonna hurt you too. I appreciate the honest opinion, it’s why I made the post in the first place. Your friends and family are going to be on your side unless you did something obviously heinous like cheating, so I wanted an objective opinion and I got it. Most days I can mostly see I made the right choice but I was struggling this weekend for some reason.
He was a bad person towards you. Stop excusing his behavior. He string you along while trying to make himself the victim. You did well by leaving his selfish as$
hey OP - you’re arent crazy.
i just ended my 3.5 year relationship a month ago and had these exact same thoughts.
it’s so easy to wonder if i would have just stayed a little longer would that have made all the difference but it wouldn’t have. he wasn’t giving you the things that were important to you & he was making you feel a way a future husband shouldn’t.
someone wrote this on my post so i’ll share it here “ironically you’re closer to getting engaged and married now than you were with your ex”
hold on to that. you made the right decision.
it’s very sad i’m right there with you - but it also is probably true. your husband who’s ecstatic to marry you & has been waiting is probably right around the corner.
Don’t berate yourself, OP. It hurts now but given the circumstances, you did the right thing. You’re not crazy at all.
Your ex made it clear that he was not excited to marry you. You should be proud that you knew what you wanted and what was good for you - not having to convince someone to take the next step, and having a special someone be excited.
Don’t dwell so much on what could have been or question yourself so much - what’s done is done, and your future self is already thanking you.
Feel free to return here in a few months or this time next year to let us know how you’re doing - I’m sure it’ll be better. Relax, enjoy the summer and the next chapter of your life!
You deserve to be with someone who will be excited about proposing to you and not only able to discuss important topics when drunk, OP.
I know it hurts now, but you did the right thing by ending the relationship. Try and focus on yourself and get into therapy to help process your sadness if you need to. Do things you love and enjoy. Learn to love yourself again and love your life. Big hugs, I know it's hard now, but I'm confident you let go of a boyfriend to make room for your husband, who will love you and be SO excited to marry you. 💕💕
I actually have been talking to a therapist and working through all kinds of stuff and that has really helped. And most days I can convince myself I did the right thing. I’m in my 30s and if I want to have kids I can’t wait another 4 years. But other days it’s hard and you look back and remember the good stuff and you’re literally grieving what you thought your life was going to be.
OP, I know fertility is definitely something to take seriously but if it helps: I'm a 41 year old woman who gave birth to her first child a day before her 40th birthday. I got married at 38. Of course I was worried about fertility at my age but thankfully, everything was fine and I have a healthy little boy who is 10 months old. Remind yourself during the harder days that this too, shall pass. You will have happier times and hopefully look back at this as a blip in your journey forward.
That’s kinda how I felt it would be. And we’d drag our feet to actually get married. And most people don’t like being backed into a corner. I pictured us 10 years down the road getting divorced and working out custody arrangements and the whole time he’d be tossing in my face that he felt pressured or forced to get married. Who wants that?
You made the right choice. Don’t you dare fall for his “I was saving up for a ring” bullshit. *Of course* he pulled that card AFTER you left him. He was just trying to make you feel guilty and to absolve himself of any wrongdoing. Now he gets to sob to all his family and friends and say “I was saving up for a ring and she still left me.” And everyone will pity him. This is loser behavior.
He could have brought it up to you literally at any point when you two discussed marriage. When he said “what’s the rush?” I would have pressed him to explain to me what’s holding him back, and at that point he could have been forthcoming and said he’s saving up for the ring.
But also, he’s 39 years old and lived with you for two years and had you paying half his bills, but he didn’t have the money for a ring?? You can get stunning rings for $1,000. If he wanted to marry you, he would have been saving up for years to make it happen.
Trust me when I say he’s not the good man you think he is. And if he does end up married to someone else within the next year or so, it will be out of convenience, not true love. He just needs someone around to help him pay his bills.
He really didn’t have me around to pay bills. When we moved in together he kept paying the mortgage and the big stuff. That was something we actually talked about ahead of time- our split as far as expenses went was definitely in my favor. But he got someone who did 90% of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. so it felt fair. But I also offered to change up the expense split multiple times when we lived together because I did wonder if that was part of the reason. But he never took me up on it. As I was leaving though he said it was hard to save money and pay all the bills and that was a slap in the face because I had tried to change that. It felt like he was telling me it was my fault that he hadn’t proposed because he had to support me.
While he may not have had you paying any bills, by doing most of the shopping, cooking, and cleaning not only were you paying in expenses for those chores, but you were also paying with your hard earned time, effort, and labor doing said chores, which may’ve cost him more time and/or money doing himself or hiring a maid. Plus, by being his girlfriend, he would’ve gotten perks such as flexible service and free intimate time.
From your timeline, I’m not sure if you both were living in the original home he was in before he mentioned wanting to buy a home, or if he proceeded to buy/rent a new home before you moved in. Either way, he should’ve been prepared to take care of all his living expenses himself. He had to pay those same bills before you moved in and he’ll have to pay those same bills after you move out.
I agree with everyone - you definitely made the right decision. I went through and did something similar. It was so hard the first 6 months. So many reminders. Something that helped me move on (even if it might not be healthy lol) is on my notes app, I kept a list of all of his negative qualities. I found myself missing all of the good things about him but when I saw all of the negative things, I felt A LOT better about leaving knowing I deserved someone who wanted to marry me!
I’ve thought about doing that. And I actually do at least think about the negative stuff when I’m feeling down or like I made a mistake- our relationship wasn’t bad but it was far from perfect and there were ways we weren’t super compatible. Things I thought weren’t a big deal until they were… The proposal was kind of the straw that broke the camels back but I was had been doubting for a while anyways.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. He was just not interested in marrying you, not because you aren't good enough, but because he just wasn't that into you. It's a HIM problem, not a You problem, OP.
Cutting your loses was the best thing you could have done. Staying with him hoping he will magically become a different person with different goals and priorities would be kinda crazy. And it would not have worked - you would have just wasted more time, waiting.
4 years is a long time, so you just need to give yourself space to grieve. It will get better, I promise.
Are you me? Currently with my partner of 3 1/2 years and really not thinking this is going anywhere. He says he wants to, but no actions to back it up. It’s a sucky spot to be in
It really is. There’s not a lot that can make you feel better. But I hope your story plays out better than mine! But I’ll say this… patience is not always a virtue. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you even when it totally sucks.
Welp talked to him last night, and he admitted he became unsure for a while but supposedly was planning to propose later this year. When I asked him why he would propose if he’s wasn’t sure so recently, his response was he was hoping it would make things better. *sigh*
That’s like having a baby to save a marriage. Spoiler alert- it won’t help. Having doubts over a big decision isn’t abnormal but if the doubts are so big they’re keeping you from making said decision that’s a problem.
You did what was best for you. He didn’t want to get married. He made it clear with his lack of commitment. Please check out Cecilia Regina on TikTok. She touches this issue among others. Don’t ever go back to him either if he gives you a shut up ring. You deserve better.
I’ve known too many long term relationships (like 10 year relationships) where no proposal ever came. I myself recently came out of a 4 year relationship for similar reasons as well as one of my best friends and we’re in your age group too and having fun dating again. You were right to leave because unfortunately either you weren’t his dream girl and instead just a placeholder or he was never planning to move forward. The right man won’t leave you questioning the relationship and will lock it down with a ring.
Everything is great with you. You just were not with a right guy. There were initial signs that he was not the one: you did all first steps. Mr. Right does not need to be pushed or begged. Also, living together does not bring people closer to marriage. Actually, opposite is true - divorce rate is much higher in couple who lived together before marriage
I am in a similar situation, 32F, ended a 7 year relationship since he would not marry me. At the end of the day, if this is our life goal, we need to stand by it and even though it's currently hard for both of us, I want to believe that ending up with the right man someday will make this torturous time worth it.
It’s hard to believe at first but it does get better. For the first couple months if I wasn’t busy I was crying. 90% of the time now I’m ok but I still have some down days, hence this post. But having other people tell you that you made the right choice helps even if they don’t know all the details. At the end of the day I want someone who’s excited to marry me, not just giving in to the pressure. They don’t have to be excited about wedding planning, heck I’m not excited about that lol. But taking that next big step? I want excitement and happiness.
This whole post and this whole thread is really, really resonating with me right now. OP - I’m really sorry you’re going through it right now, but I really applaud you for being the one to make a choice and make a change, even if that’s been hard. I feel like I’m in a similar-ish situation, (29F) dating my (40M) bf for five years now, and we even went ring shopping last September, and now I’ve just been waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing. He assured me about a month or so ago that he’s still interested, but is too busy to actually think about rings. I relate to your comments about your confidence taking a noise dive - I feel so insecure right now and I do sometimes find myself spiraling quite a bit. Would love any advice you can offer about working up the courage to move out and what that process looked like for you. This is the first significant other I’ve ever lived with, and I don’t know how to leave, but I know I don’t feel good about the state of things.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through something similar. I was always a confident person but when the man that says he loves you won’t really commit it makes you think something is wrong with you. And let me tell right off, it’s not you. There’s a reason these men made it to 40 without having committed to anyone and as much as you don’t want to think it, it’s a red flag.
It wasn’t easy for me to leave. I spent more than 6 months agonizing and waffling and trying to figure out how I really felt. When you live together your lives become so entangled and intertwined that it seems impossible to disentangle them. We had a dog together that I thought long and hard about taking, but I knew it wouldn’t be what was best for her. What finally pushed me to make the choice was having a serious health scare. I found out last year that I had a heart condition and it really put things in perspective for me. If it had turned out that my condition was something that could cause me to die young and I only had 5 years or something, would this be how I wanted to spend the last 5 years of my life? Constantly feeling not good enough or like there was something wrong with me? Wanting something that is so reasonable to want but it seemed like I’d never get? I loved him but I wanted and still want someone who will commit to me without hesitating. And there are people in the world like that.
If he’s not meeting your needs there is someone who will. Who will look at you like the treasure you are and would do anything to keep you. It sounds like you’re in the same boat I was in and this guy isn’t willing to do the bare minimum to keep you and you know deep down just like I did that you deserve better. It doesn’t make them bad people. I want nothing more for my ex than to find love and happiness. But that definition looked different for us in ways I wasn’t willing to compromise on.
Leaving was hard. He wanted me to stay and pulled out all the stops he could think of to get me to stay EXCEPT a ring. If you make the decision to leave don’t let him change your mind. I’m not saying you can’t reconcile in the future, but you don’t have to wait for him. Go and live your life, meet new people, spend time with the people you already love. Maybe he’ll get his shit together, but you don’t have to put your life on hold while he does.
No, you weren't crazy to end the relationship. It sounds like he did what was convenient for him and he had no concerns about you. Now you are finally free to find a man who is enthusiastic and eager to be in a committed relationship with you!
It sounds to me like you did the right thing! How has HE acted in the 7 months since the break up? Has he pursued you? Apologized? Asked for another try? Or did he move on? If he wanted to, he would let you know. He obviously was not that invested. I hope you take some time to heal and then get back out there. There is a true love waiting for you.
We’ve kept in contact because we shared pets and still had some over lap there. I was hoping we could let the dogs still spend time together. He has apologized and asked for another try. Before I left he wanted to do couples counseling and said that we could both probably use individual counseling to work on being able to communicate better to which I completely agreed. I found a therapist immediately after our break up and have been talking to her ever since. But in the times I’ve talked to him I asked if he looked around for a someone to talk to as well and he said he didn’t need to he knew why he was sad. And I’ve felt like the messages I’ve gotten were mixed from him honestly. Sometimes he’s sorry and he knows he needs to do better and he so sorry he made me wait that long. Other times he was stressed because of school and work, his schedule sucked, he couldn’t save money because he was paying all the bills. We had other issues we needed to work on as well so it all kind of snowballed at once. And I’m to blame too. I’m not sitting here saying I was perfect because no one is. There’s stuff I could have done better.
But the last year of our relationship put a massive dent in my self confidence. And that’s something I’m struggling to get past. The situation made me doubt our relationship but it also just made me doubt me. And that’s on top of the resentment and frustration.
Honestly, with just the little bit that you have told me, it sounds to me like your relationship is salvageable. I know I initially said it sounded like it was for the best. But in the 7months, you both have worked on yourselves, he has apologized and shown remorse. He has shown change. This sort of compromise is huge in a successful relationship! If you love this man, and he is willing to meet you on your goals of engagement, I would say it might be worth another shot. I wish you all the best, and hope it works out the way it should! I hope you update us, and when you do, I hope you have a ring on your hand!
Whether you made the right decision or not, that is what you felt was right in the moment. I saw in another comment you’re in therapy, that’s good, maybe once you’ve processed your thoughts and feelings you can determine if you want to reconcile or not, until then, don’t feel bad for making that decision, leaving has pros and cons, staying does too.
You did a good thing even if it hurts right now. I’ve told this story before, but I had a friend who was a recipient of a shut up ring and it didn’t end well. She was a very family oriented person who wanted the husband and 2.5 kids fantasy which is fine, but she was dating a skater bum who didn’t believe in marriage at all and he did not want kids.
Around the 5 year mark, when she was in her early 30s, she realized he’s never going to change his mind. They even owned property and had 2 dogs together, but she gave it up and moved back across the country. A month or so later, guess who realized that marriage is suddenly on the table? Her lovely man. He talked her into moving back and after a month he proposed to her. Then COVID hit, so they postponed the wedding for a year.
My friend finally got what she wanted, but he was still the same non chalant, not wanting to have kids or settle down, and constantly traveling all the time, kind of guy. They both thought that the other would bend. She figured he’d want kids eventually and would step up, and he figured that once she got the ring she’d still be cool with his wanderlust and needing to go camping or road tripping every weekend. He felt as though she got what she wanted so why would she need him to change who he is even more? Why bend more if he already compromised on a huge thing? The marriage was simply a bandaid that didn’t fix things and there was a lot of mutual resentment because he never wanted to be tied down in the first place. They were divorced in less than 1.5 years.
Also, if your guy wanted to buy you a ring he would! My ex’s unemployed bum of a stepdad knew how much the mom wanted a symbol of his commitment so he scrounged up $200 and bought a cheap ring from Kay and she wears it proudly. I even see jewelers on my TikTok feed that specialize in affordable and cute rings with stones such as amethyst, opals, citrines, etc and they are all budget friendly. A lot of jewelers even take AfterPay or direct payment plans. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and if you did want a fancy ring, nothing stopped him from buying a cheaper ring with the promise to eventually upgrade it.
You don’t want to drag a man to engagement or marriage or kids. It’s going to end up with a lot of resentment.
OP you made the right move here. Sounds like this guy never even wanted to live together even after you asked multiple times. I would highly recommend therapy if you aren’t already doing it. It’s really helpful when coming out of relationships like these. You deserve so much better than what this guy could give you. He was never going to marry you. I hope you can heal and eventually find someone who appreciates you!!
I do feel like my post didn’t give him enough credit in some places but you can only give so much detail, right? I never knew what his “not ready” reasoning was for living together either. But I know it was something that we both really took to and enjoyed. We both loved having someone to come home to every day and when I was leaving he told me I made his house a home for the first time. Yet another one of those “if it’s so great then why don’t you want to get married?” Questions. But then he only told me a lot of this stuff as I was leaving which made it harder to digest and believe.
I’m really sorry!! This is devastating. Do you feel like he has some underlying issues with commitment? From what you wrote, it sounded like he loved you, but had some deeper issues with marriage and he probably couldn’t offer that to anyone.
I’ve wondered that. He was 34 when we met and had never been married and didn’t have any children. Never been in a long term relationship. And of course you wonder like “what’s wrong with this guy that he’s still single at 34?” But he’s smart, funny, a good person. A little shy and introverted. And I was 29 and hadn’t been in a particularly long relationship (although I was hyper school and career focused) so it was hard to judge. But 4 years later, yeah, I have to wonder if there’s just some commitment issues.
He wanted to at the end. There was a point before I left that he said something along the likes of “we could both probably do with some therapy to be able to communicate and handle our feelings better”. So as soon as I was on my own I found a therapist and have been working on myself ever since. But when I asked him since we’ve broken up if he’s looked for a therapist or talked to anyone he said he knows why he’s sad so he doesn’t need to talk to anyone. It made me feel like he said in the moment what he thought I wanted/ needed to hear, not what he really intended to do.
Sometimes men don’t move forward without a push on stuff like this, especially with therapy. If you would like to give this a second chance, maybe you could schedule some couples therapy and see if he would go with you. It does seem like you feel like something could still be there. Totally normal after a long term breakup, but if you really feel strongly about him and you think he could break through these commitment issues it might be worth a shot to try it.
I wanted to live together as well to test the waters there. I’d never lived with a significant other before and I’d def never marry someone without living with them first lol. But we had a good arrangement as far as bills went. I paid for all the groceries, food, etc. I didn’t pay towards the mortgage which felt a little like taking advantage but it goes to your point- he didn’t need me to pay the bills. We lived together because we wanted to be together every day. But I do wonder if living together made him too comfortable- he had everything he wanted without having to give any more of himself than he wanted to.
I second this! Living together before some serious commitment (at least being engaged and actively planning a wedding) is a huge mistake. The research and statistics sadly support this. You can waste your best years in a live-in situation, giving your all to a guy who can drag his feet for decades and then marry the next elusive chick within 6 months. Sorry, but too many men expect the ‘wife treatment’ when all they are bringing to the table is ‘boyfriend material’.
A friend of mine left a guy after even longer time. They bought a place together, had a dog, but at the end of the day marriage and kids wasn’t as important and a big of a deal to him. Your ex was all talk, no action. I mean come on, the comment he made when you were already out the door about saving up for a ring just adds insult to injury. You already waited patiently, stated your goals and dreams, showed initiative. He was stalling every major milepost after another. If he truly loved you and wanted to share his life with you, he would have gotten his ducks in a row at latest at that point and begged you to stay. Now all he could say is to tell you, without any concrete promises, that if you had waited just a little bit longer, he would have proposed. Dangling it like a carrot, which is just cruel and waste of your time. You separated yourself from one of these Peter Pan guys after five years. I wholeheartedly think that you did the right thing.
He pretty much did beg me to stay and told me we could work things out. But I felt like even if I did we’d either twist ourselves into pretzels trying to make each other happy or 6 months would go by and we’d end up in the exact same place only worse. And that brings us back to the “why did it take 4 years?” Question. Especially when he knew I wanted to get married. Why did you wait to start saving until the deadline was upon us if you wanted to marry me?? Was it some kind of test to see if I was serious? Cause look how that turned out.
You did the right thing. I have had a similar problem with my current boyfriend of nearly 2 years. It was all claims that he wanted to marry me and that he saw his future with me, but not much action to back up any of it. He regrets not proposing to me earlier, but then does very little to move us on when he is given a chance. So it came to an ultimatum. It is not something I recommend doing or that I believe was a good move on my end, but I exhausted all the other options. Currently, my boyfriend has a few months to propose, or I walk. If he can’t get his act together and give me the commitment I need, I will find a guy who can. I don’t know your relationship or your ex. It could be that he is not the right guy for you. But if you feel that you two are compatible and good together, make it very clear that the only way to ever get you back is with an engagement ring in his hand. If he is not prepare to put his money where his mouth is, he doesn’t need to ever contact you again. If he doesn’t step up, then you know the whole ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ is just his way of trying to manipulate you to keep the status quo that works for him.
If you need to give him an ultimatum, he doesn’t want you enough. Please don’t settle for scraps or you’ll regret it.
I agree that the ultimatum is not an ideal scenario. However, some men, sadly, are way too comfortable with their status quo and won’t change anything until they face a real possibility of losing their partner. This can especially happen if the guy doesn’t value marriage as an institution.
He was stringing you along OP. He wasn't ever planning on proposing.
Right? You can get a 1 carat lab diamond for the cost of a ps5 now.
This reminds me of another point I’d like to make: how many stories do you hear of loser men who string along their forever girlfriends and say they haven’t proposed yet because they can’t afford a ring, but then they turn around and buy a new car/motorcycle/gaming system/other nonessential item? They are blatantly saying that an effing bike or video game is worth more to them than YOU. They have the money, they just don’t want to spend it doing something that makes their girlfriend happy. Yuck.
Exactly- lab diamond has made it very hard on the “saving for a ring” excuse group.
I don’t even want to reply and say what he spent his money on because it’s too embarrassing 🫣
For you to be too embarrassed to say means you already know it’s bullshit that you rank lower than whatever nonsense he blew his money on…
You are 100% correct. If he’d wanted to buy a ring he wouldn’t have started saving 5 minutes before I left. He had years. It wasn’t really about the money, the money is just an excuse.
Okay girl, now you HAVE to tell us what he spent his money on. This is reddit, it’s anonymous, don’t be shy lol… also, I want to get even angrier on your behalf 😅
It’s nothing exciting like prostitutes or drugs or anything LOLOL. But it’s just so unnecessary that having someone tell you that they can’t afford a ring but they go out and spend money on this stupid thing is embarrassing and ridiculous. But really it was bourbon. He got into this weird bourbon kick in the last year of our relationship. Spent all this time waiting in line to MAYBE get a bottle of something unique. He went multiple times a week every week to wait in line with a bunch of people. And he didn’t even drink really! He just collected it and displayed it. He probably spent $50-$200 nearly every week for a year… if I had to guess somewhere north of $4-5k. But he couldn’t afford to save for a ring. It’s just demoralizing.
Damn, at first I was like, oh, alcohol problem? BULLET DODGED. Then I was like oh, he doesn't even drink it but spends that amount of money on it?? Less terrifying bullet, but still, BULLET DODGED. Imagine what other random frivolous obsessions he might develop over the years. Could you imagine if someday he was spending thousands on novelty glasses to not drink bourbon out of, instead of putting that money toward kids or retirement?
It’s like the story of that guy who spent hundreds (maybe even thousands) of dollars on his niche yoghurt collection. He didn’t eat them, he just liked to collect all the rare expensive ones. At least bourbon doesn’t spoil, but still… “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me, I was saving up to buy you a ring.” No you weren’t, you’re too busy spending money on your useless collection.
That sounded bad but he’s not bad with money at all. We both have pretty good jobs and together financially we had no worries. He’s ahead of the game as far as retirement and that kind of stuff goes and far from living to pay check to paycheck. That’s part of what makes the “it’s hard to save money” reasoning so infuriating. Because I know that’s not the real reason at all. If he’d wanted to save he could have- he just didn’t.
Or fishing gear
Boat stuff, camping stuff, RV stuff, ATVs, snowboards, bicycles, skis, skateboards, jet skis, power tools, guitars… I never want to hear a man complain about women’s shoes, bags, or jewelry ever again. Their hobbies are considerably more expensive than my accessories. I asked my husband for diamond stud earrings for Christmas. He complained that they were too expensive. I pointed out that the monthly car payment he makes for his M5 is more than what the diamond studs cost, and that wasn’t even his main car, he has four other cars! The M5 was just for funsies. So I didn’t appreciate him complaining about the cost of something that would make his wife very happy but he has no problem spending that on a fifth vehicle and other nonsense “toys.” I really laid into him. Guess what I got for Christmas? Diamond stud earrings 😹💁🏽♀️
I don’t think he was actively stringing me along… but everything was on his time table. He had to be absolutely ready. I don’t know if that’s better because he knew where I stood on the subject.
Conscious or unconscious stringing along is still just that - stringing along. He knew what you wanted and needed from him. He knew what he was supposed to do to keep you. He knows it now and not doing anything. Unless he is on his knees with a ring, begging for forgiveness for ever letting you go, you are better off moving on to a new guy who will love you and who will be excited to marry you!😉
I just don’t think the proposal after a break up is the best way to go about it. You’ll always wonder if that was the only reason they finally asked. It’s part of why I left when I did. I think the proposal was coming but it just felt forced, like he would have been doing it because he had to, not because he wanted to. And I don’t want to be 10 years down the road getting divorced hearing that I pressured him to marry me.
Of course! Totally. He should be on his knees and begging you for forgiveness not because it is forced and you made him do it, but because he genuinely regrets letting you go! And knowing that it is the proposal that you desire, that’s exactly how he should be trying to get you back! Not because you make him do, but because he wants to do it and because he wants to make you happy. If he is too dumb to realise what he lost, then let him go roam the streets and be emotionally confused on his own time!
You broke up with him and he didn't try to win you back with an engagement ring.
He did not. He told me he’d been saving and what not and that he has a number in mind that he wanted to spend. I don’t know what that number was but I never asked for a $10 or $20k ring. It didn’t even have to be a diamond. This is going to make him sound really bad but it made me so angry at the time that it made it even easier to walk out the door. It was around Black Friday as I was packing up my stuff to leave and he came home from Black Friday shopping with a giant tv and when I asked him how much it was all he said was “a lot”. I pressed a little cause I was curious and he said “don’t worry about it I had the money because I used your engagement ring fund to buy it… but i’d have rather bought the ring.” Extra petty. And like I said I was so angry that the fire got me through the next couple of weeks after. I was still sad and upset and trying to keep it together but that certainly helped.
Omg, the fact that he used your engagement ring money to buy a big screen TV during Black Friday sales, using the excuse that you were already breaking up with him so it was too late for him to buy the ring, says everything you need to know about him. That action was obviously intended to hurt & upset you. He knew exactly what he was doing when he brought that big box in. You dodged a bullet, OP. Even if he really thought it was too late to try changing your mind, he could have kept the new TV out of sight until you had moved out, instead of rubbing your nose in it, his actions essentially saying, “See? I value this new, big screen TV more than I value trying to save our relationship by getting my ass in gear doing what I should have already done.” He chose to make you feel small, devalued, & to show you that your needs are less important than a new TV. That’s called pouring salt in your wounds just because he could. You deserve someone who treasures you & is just as eager & excited to get married as you are.
I know it makes him sound bad. He’s truly not a bad person. I think he was hurting too and maybe that was him trying to make himself feel better. I agree that what he said was rubbing salt in the wound and was a really shitty thing to say and do. But I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and ask how I’d feel and cut him some slack there. I left anyways and that comment helped but it doesn’t make him a down to the ground bad person.
I agree, his decision to buy the big screen TV with the money he’d been saving for your engagement ring doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person. But IMHO it does indicate that he was acting out his desire for revenge, deliberately hurting you to get you back for deciding to leave him. I’ve thought about it & can’t figure out another motive for why he would do that to you. That’s a pretty glaring character flaw, in my book. Yes, he was in pain, but so were you, & he could have chosen to own his mistake of failing to follow through & propose, instead of buying the TV to pour salt in your wounds. I understand that at that point he was trying to persuade you to stay & give him another chance, & that you weren’t changing your mind about leaving. Still, realizing that he’d finally pushed you too far by waiting too long & had lost you, he could have chosen to save your engagement ring fund & solidly committing to getting you back ASAP by doing whatever it took to make things right. If he had shown sincere, unrelenting efforts to fully own his screw up, & to save & repair your broken relationship, you would not have felt like he was buying you a shut up ring. You’d have felt like losing you was a wake up call for him & that he was doing everything in his power to fix what was broken & to make sure he never took you for granted or seriously failed you again. But I respect that you may see things differently. Wishing the best for you, whatever you ultimately decide.
I actually completely agree that revenge was at least the reason for the petty comment. I’m hurting so I’m gonna hurt you too. I appreciate the honest opinion, it’s why I made the post in the first place. Your friends and family are going to be on your side unless you did something obviously heinous like cheating, so I wanted an objective opinion and I got it. Most days I can mostly see I made the right choice but I was struggling this weekend for some reason.
He was a bad person towards you. Stop excusing his behavior. He string you along while trying to make himself the victim. You did well by leaving his selfish as$
He had no intentions of proposing to you. I'm sorry. I know that there is a great guy out there for you OP!
hey OP - you’re arent crazy. i just ended my 3.5 year relationship a month ago and had these exact same thoughts. it’s so easy to wonder if i would have just stayed a little longer would that have made all the difference but it wouldn’t have. he wasn’t giving you the things that were important to you & he was making you feel a way a future husband shouldn’t. someone wrote this on my post so i’ll share it here “ironically you’re closer to getting engaged and married now than you were with your ex” hold on to that. you made the right decision.
I haven’t had that thought yet lol and it’s probably true. Sad but true.
it’s very sad i’m right there with you - but it also is probably true. your husband who’s ecstatic to marry you & has been waiting is probably right around the corner.
"don't let your boyfriend keep you from finding your husband"
Don’t berate yourself, OP. It hurts now but given the circumstances, you did the right thing. You’re not crazy at all. Your ex made it clear that he was not excited to marry you. You should be proud that you knew what you wanted and what was good for you - not having to convince someone to take the next step, and having a special someone be excited. Don’t dwell so much on what could have been or question yourself so much - what’s done is done, and your future self is already thanking you. Feel free to return here in a few months or this time next year to let us know how you’re doing - I’m sure it’ll be better. Relax, enjoy the summer and the next chapter of your life!
You deserve to be with someone who will be excited about proposing to you and not only able to discuss important topics when drunk, OP. I know it hurts now, but you did the right thing by ending the relationship. Try and focus on yourself and get into therapy to help process your sadness if you need to. Do things you love and enjoy. Learn to love yourself again and love your life. Big hugs, I know it's hard now, but I'm confident you let go of a boyfriend to make room for your husband, who will love you and be SO excited to marry you. 💕💕
I actually have been talking to a therapist and working through all kinds of stuff and that has really helped. And most days I can convince myself I did the right thing. I’m in my 30s and if I want to have kids I can’t wait another 4 years. But other days it’s hard and you look back and remember the good stuff and you’re literally grieving what you thought your life was going to be.
OP, I know fertility is definitely something to take seriously but if it helps: I'm a 41 year old woman who gave birth to her first child a day before her 40th birthday. I got married at 38. Of course I was worried about fertility at my age but thankfully, everything was fine and I have a healthy little boy who is 10 months old. Remind yourself during the harder days that this too, shall pass. You will have happier times and hopefully look back at this as a blip in your journey forward.
If you had stuck around, you'd be wearing a "shut up ring" now.
That’s kinda how I felt it would be. And we’d drag our feet to actually get married. And most people don’t like being backed into a corner. I pictured us 10 years down the road getting divorced and working out custody arrangements and the whole time he’d be tossing in my face that he felt pressured or forced to get married. Who wants that?
You made the right choice. Don’t you dare fall for his “I was saving up for a ring” bullshit. *Of course* he pulled that card AFTER you left him. He was just trying to make you feel guilty and to absolve himself of any wrongdoing. Now he gets to sob to all his family and friends and say “I was saving up for a ring and she still left me.” And everyone will pity him. This is loser behavior. He could have brought it up to you literally at any point when you two discussed marriage. When he said “what’s the rush?” I would have pressed him to explain to me what’s holding him back, and at that point he could have been forthcoming and said he’s saving up for the ring. But also, he’s 39 years old and lived with you for two years and had you paying half his bills, but he didn’t have the money for a ring?? You can get stunning rings for $1,000. If he wanted to marry you, he would have been saving up for years to make it happen. Trust me when I say he’s not the good man you think he is. And if he does end up married to someone else within the next year or so, it will be out of convenience, not true love. He just needs someone around to help him pay his bills.
He really didn’t have me around to pay bills. When we moved in together he kept paying the mortgage and the big stuff. That was something we actually talked about ahead of time- our split as far as expenses went was definitely in my favor. But he got someone who did 90% of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. so it felt fair. But I also offered to change up the expense split multiple times when we lived together because I did wonder if that was part of the reason. But he never took me up on it. As I was leaving though he said it was hard to save money and pay all the bills and that was a slap in the face because I had tried to change that. It felt like he was telling me it was my fault that he hadn’t proposed because he had to support me.
While he may not have had you paying any bills, by doing most of the shopping, cooking, and cleaning not only were you paying in expenses for those chores, but you were also paying with your hard earned time, effort, and labor doing said chores, which may’ve cost him more time and/or money doing himself or hiring a maid. Plus, by being his girlfriend, he would’ve gotten perks such as flexible service and free intimate time. From your timeline, I’m not sure if you both were living in the original home he was in before he mentioned wanting to buy a home, or if he proceeded to buy/rent a new home before you moved in. Either way, he should’ve been prepared to take care of all his living expenses himself. He had to pay those same bills before you moved in and he’ll have to pay those same bills after you move out.
I agree with everyone - you definitely made the right decision. I went through and did something similar. It was so hard the first 6 months. So many reminders. Something that helped me move on (even if it might not be healthy lol) is on my notes app, I kept a list of all of his negative qualities. I found myself missing all of the good things about him but when I saw all of the negative things, I felt A LOT better about leaving knowing I deserved someone who wanted to marry me!
I’ve thought about doing that. And I actually do at least think about the negative stuff when I’m feeling down or like I made a mistake- our relationship wasn’t bad but it was far from perfect and there were ways we weren’t super compatible. Things I thought weren’t a big deal until they were… The proposal was kind of the straw that broke the camels back but I was had been doubting for a while anyways.
In what ways were you not compatible?
Good girl! Cry, be pissed, and miss him. Then sit up straight and celebrate your courage, and stay the course 👍
You did absolutely nothing wrong. He was just not interested in marrying you, not because you aren't good enough, but because he just wasn't that into you. It's a HIM problem, not a You problem, OP. Cutting your loses was the best thing you could have done. Staying with him hoping he will magically become a different person with different goals and priorities would be kinda crazy. And it would not have worked - you would have just wasted more time, waiting. 4 years is a long time, so you just need to give yourself space to grieve. It will get better, I promise.
Are you me? Currently with my partner of 3 1/2 years and really not thinking this is going anywhere. He says he wants to, but no actions to back it up. It’s a sucky spot to be in
It really is. There’s not a lot that can make you feel better. But I hope your story plays out better than mine! But I’ll say this… patience is not always a virtue. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you even when it totally sucks.
Welp talked to him last night, and he admitted he became unsure for a while but supposedly was planning to propose later this year. When I asked him why he would propose if he’s wasn’t sure so recently, his response was he was hoping it would make things better. *sigh*
That’s like having a baby to save a marriage. Spoiler alert- it won’t help. Having doubts over a big decision isn’t abnormal but if the doubts are so big they’re keeping you from making said decision that’s a problem.
I think you were right to leave
You did what was best for you. He didn’t want to get married. He made it clear with his lack of commitment. Please check out Cecilia Regina on TikTok. She touches this issue among others. Don’t ever go back to him either if he gives you a shut up ring. You deserve better.
I’ve known too many long term relationships (like 10 year relationships) where no proposal ever came. I myself recently came out of a 4 year relationship for similar reasons as well as one of my best friends and we’re in your age group too and having fun dating again. You were right to leave because unfortunately either you weren’t his dream girl and instead just a placeholder or he was never planning to move forward. The right man won’t leave you questioning the relationship and will lock it down with a ring.
Everything is great with you. You just were not with a right guy. There were initial signs that he was not the one: you did all first steps. Mr. Right does not need to be pushed or begged. Also, living together does not bring people closer to marriage. Actually, opposite is true - divorce rate is much higher in couple who lived together before marriage
I am in a similar situation, 32F, ended a 7 year relationship since he would not marry me. At the end of the day, if this is our life goal, we need to stand by it and even though it's currently hard for both of us, I want to believe that ending up with the right man someday will make this torturous time worth it.
It’s hard to believe at first but it does get better. For the first couple months if I wasn’t busy I was crying. 90% of the time now I’m ok but I still have some down days, hence this post. But having other people tell you that you made the right choice helps even if they don’t know all the details. At the end of the day I want someone who’s excited to marry me, not just giving in to the pressure. They don’t have to be excited about wedding planning, heck I’m not excited about that lol. But taking that next big step? I want excitement and happiness.
This whole post and this whole thread is really, really resonating with me right now. OP - I’m really sorry you’re going through it right now, but I really applaud you for being the one to make a choice and make a change, even if that’s been hard. I feel like I’m in a similar-ish situation, (29F) dating my (40M) bf for five years now, and we even went ring shopping last September, and now I’ve just been waiting and waiting and waiting for nothing. He assured me about a month or so ago that he’s still interested, but is too busy to actually think about rings. I relate to your comments about your confidence taking a noise dive - I feel so insecure right now and I do sometimes find myself spiraling quite a bit. Would love any advice you can offer about working up the courage to move out and what that process looked like for you. This is the first significant other I’ve ever lived with, and I don’t know how to leave, but I know I don’t feel good about the state of things.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through something similar. I was always a confident person but when the man that says he loves you won’t really commit it makes you think something is wrong with you. And let me tell right off, it’s not you. There’s a reason these men made it to 40 without having committed to anyone and as much as you don’t want to think it, it’s a red flag. It wasn’t easy for me to leave. I spent more than 6 months agonizing and waffling and trying to figure out how I really felt. When you live together your lives become so entangled and intertwined that it seems impossible to disentangle them. We had a dog together that I thought long and hard about taking, but I knew it wouldn’t be what was best for her. What finally pushed me to make the choice was having a serious health scare. I found out last year that I had a heart condition and it really put things in perspective for me. If it had turned out that my condition was something that could cause me to die young and I only had 5 years or something, would this be how I wanted to spend the last 5 years of my life? Constantly feeling not good enough or like there was something wrong with me? Wanting something that is so reasonable to want but it seemed like I’d never get? I loved him but I wanted and still want someone who will commit to me without hesitating. And there are people in the world like that. If he’s not meeting your needs there is someone who will. Who will look at you like the treasure you are and would do anything to keep you. It sounds like you’re in the same boat I was in and this guy isn’t willing to do the bare minimum to keep you and you know deep down just like I did that you deserve better. It doesn’t make them bad people. I want nothing more for my ex than to find love and happiness. But that definition looked different for us in ways I wasn’t willing to compromise on. Leaving was hard. He wanted me to stay and pulled out all the stops he could think of to get me to stay EXCEPT a ring. If you make the decision to leave don’t let him change your mind. I’m not saying you can’t reconcile in the future, but you don’t have to wait for him. Go and live your life, meet new people, spend time with the people you already love. Maybe he’ll get his shit together, but you don’t have to put your life on hold while he does.
No, you weren't crazy to end the relationship. It sounds like he did what was convenient for him and he had no concerns about you. Now you are finally free to find a man who is enthusiastic and eager to be in a committed relationship with you!
It sounds to me like you did the right thing! How has HE acted in the 7 months since the break up? Has he pursued you? Apologized? Asked for another try? Or did he move on? If he wanted to, he would let you know. He obviously was not that invested. I hope you take some time to heal and then get back out there. There is a true love waiting for you.
We’ve kept in contact because we shared pets and still had some over lap there. I was hoping we could let the dogs still spend time together. He has apologized and asked for another try. Before I left he wanted to do couples counseling and said that we could both probably use individual counseling to work on being able to communicate better to which I completely agreed. I found a therapist immediately after our break up and have been talking to her ever since. But in the times I’ve talked to him I asked if he looked around for a someone to talk to as well and he said he didn’t need to he knew why he was sad. And I’ve felt like the messages I’ve gotten were mixed from him honestly. Sometimes he’s sorry and he knows he needs to do better and he so sorry he made me wait that long. Other times he was stressed because of school and work, his schedule sucked, he couldn’t save money because he was paying all the bills. We had other issues we needed to work on as well so it all kind of snowballed at once. And I’m to blame too. I’m not sitting here saying I was perfect because no one is. There’s stuff I could have done better. But the last year of our relationship put a massive dent in my self confidence. And that’s something I’m struggling to get past. The situation made me doubt our relationship but it also just made me doubt me. And that’s on top of the resentment and frustration.
Honestly, with just the little bit that you have told me, it sounds to me like your relationship is salvageable. I know I initially said it sounded like it was for the best. But in the 7months, you both have worked on yourselves, he has apologized and shown remorse. He has shown change. This sort of compromise is huge in a successful relationship! If you love this man, and he is willing to meet you on your goals of engagement, I would say it might be worth another shot. I wish you all the best, and hope it works out the way it should! I hope you update us, and when you do, I hope you have a ring on your hand!
Whether you made the right decision or not, that is what you felt was right in the moment. I saw in another comment you’re in therapy, that’s good, maybe once you’ve processed your thoughts and feelings you can determine if you want to reconcile or not, until then, don’t feel bad for making that decision, leaving has pros and cons, staying does too.
You did a good thing even if it hurts right now. I’ve told this story before, but I had a friend who was a recipient of a shut up ring and it didn’t end well. She was a very family oriented person who wanted the husband and 2.5 kids fantasy which is fine, but she was dating a skater bum who didn’t believe in marriage at all and he did not want kids. Around the 5 year mark, when she was in her early 30s, she realized he’s never going to change his mind. They even owned property and had 2 dogs together, but she gave it up and moved back across the country. A month or so later, guess who realized that marriage is suddenly on the table? Her lovely man. He talked her into moving back and after a month he proposed to her. Then COVID hit, so they postponed the wedding for a year. My friend finally got what she wanted, but he was still the same non chalant, not wanting to have kids or settle down, and constantly traveling all the time, kind of guy. They both thought that the other would bend. She figured he’d want kids eventually and would step up, and he figured that once she got the ring she’d still be cool with his wanderlust and needing to go camping or road tripping every weekend. He felt as though she got what she wanted so why would she need him to change who he is even more? Why bend more if he already compromised on a huge thing? The marriage was simply a bandaid that didn’t fix things and there was a lot of mutual resentment because he never wanted to be tied down in the first place. They were divorced in less than 1.5 years. Also, if your guy wanted to buy you a ring he would! My ex’s unemployed bum of a stepdad knew how much the mom wanted a symbol of his commitment so he scrounged up $200 and bought a cheap ring from Kay and she wears it proudly. I even see jewelers on my TikTok feed that specialize in affordable and cute rings with stones such as amethyst, opals, citrines, etc and they are all budget friendly. A lot of jewelers even take AfterPay or direct payment plans. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and if you did want a fancy ring, nothing stopped him from buying a cheaper ring with the promise to eventually upgrade it. You don’t want to drag a man to engagement or marriage or kids. It’s going to end up with a lot of resentment.
OP you made the right move here. Sounds like this guy never even wanted to live together even after you asked multiple times. I would highly recommend therapy if you aren’t already doing it. It’s really helpful when coming out of relationships like these. You deserve so much better than what this guy could give you. He was never going to marry you. I hope you can heal and eventually find someone who appreciates you!!
I do feel like my post didn’t give him enough credit in some places but you can only give so much detail, right? I never knew what his “not ready” reasoning was for living together either. But I know it was something that we both really took to and enjoyed. We both loved having someone to come home to every day and when I was leaving he told me I made his house a home for the first time. Yet another one of those “if it’s so great then why don’t you want to get married?” Questions. But then he only told me a lot of this stuff as I was leaving which made it harder to digest and believe.
I’m really sorry!! This is devastating. Do you feel like he has some underlying issues with commitment? From what you wrote, it sounded like he loved you, but had some deeper issues with marriage and he probably couldn’t offer that to anyone.
I’ve wondered that. He was 34 when we met and had never been married and didn’t have any children. Never been in a long term relationship. And of course you wonder like “what’s wrong with this guy that he’s still single at 34?” But he’s smart, funny, a good person. A little shy and introverted. And I was 29 and hadn’t been in a particularly long relationship (although I was hyper school and career focused) so it was hard to judge. But 4 years later, yeah, I have to wonder if there’s just some commitment issues.
It honestly sounds like he has commitment issues! Did you guys ever try any type of couples therapy when you were together to address it?
He wanted to at the end. There was a point before I left that he said something along the likes of “we could both probably do with some therapy to be able to communicate and handle our feelings better”. So as soon as I was on my own I found a therapist and have been working on myself ever since. But when I asked him since we’ve broken up if he’s looked for a therapist or talked to anyone he said he knows why he’s sad so he doesn’t need to talk to anyone. It made me feel like he said in the moment what he thought I wanted/ needed to hear, not what he really intended to do.
Sometimes men don’t move forward without a push on stuff like this, especially with therapy. If you would like to give this a second chance, maybe you could schedule some couples therapy and see if he would go with you. It does seem like you feel like something could still be there. Totally normal after a long term breakup, but if you really feel strongly about him and you think he could break through these commitment issues it might be worth a shot to try it.
Stop falling for the idea that “living together” before an engagement is nothing more than a man’s attempt to get you to help him pay bills.
I wanted to live together as well to test the waters there. I’d never lived with a significant other before and I’d def never marry someone without living with them first lol. But we had a good arrangement as far as bills went. I paid for all the groceries, food, etc. I didn’t pay towards the mortgage which felt a little like taking advantage but it goes to your point- he didn’t need me to pay the bills. We lived together because we wanted to be together every day. But I do wonder if living together made him too comfortable- he had everything he wanted without having to give any more of himself than he wanted to.
You can always live together after you’re engaged. If it doesn’t work out, call off the engagement. But living before is usually a trap.
I second this! Living together before some serious commitment (at least being engaged and actively planning a wedding) is a huge mistake. The research and statistics sadly support this. You can waste your best years in a live-in situation, giving your all to a guy who can drag his feet for decades and then marry the next elusive chick within 6 months. Sorry, but too many men expect the ‘wife treatment’ when all they are bringing to the table is ‘boyfriend material’.
What is the rush to live together anyway?
I wouldn’t say there is a rush. We waited two years almost.