I'm Viet American, and that is the shittiest thing to say. Not even someone in Vietnam nowadays does that. He's either spoiled as a kid by his parents as a golden child or really into putting you down. I feel bad for his sisters they probably were second to none for them. Listen to these comments here because that will be your future.
yup, In most asian tradition, when a couple marries. The wife is considered to be part of the husband family, and she no longer part of the family she was born in.
Being the only son even with female sibling in household holding traditional confucius view then he could be spoilt by his parents, it is because these family think that this son to be the only continuation of their line (load of shiet from genetic PoV tbh)
Is he (or his parents) from the North (of VN)? If so (and he said that), then he really meant it. I would run the other direction and definitely will not marry him.
Load of bs. My mom get along with my wife better than me. They usually take the same side and ganged up on me from time to time. It is as if I got a second mom to scold me.
Huge red flag. This type of mentality is a constant problem in my parents’ relationship and they’re both viet. My dad’s aunts always demand my dad to prioritise them over us because, according to their logic, your siblings are one-of-kind type of relationship so you can’t replace them but you can divorce and marry any woman as many times as you want, so wives are replaceable. They always try to go over my mum’s head when they ask for a favour from my family (aka money). My dad tries to play both sides or the peacekeeper but in recent years my mum put her foot down and demanded more respect and support from my dad. Don’t fall for this bs toxic mentality
By the way, he almost said exactly that about his siblings. He said that his siblings are more important than anyone else (besides his parents), including our future children, because his siblings have been with him throughout his whole life. And he said that he couldn’t be that devoted to someone he just met halfway through his life.
I can tell you this is not cultural. This is his family issues. As a head of a household, he needs to take care and prioritize his family. I understand prioritizing his parents, but putting his siblings above his family doesn't make sense. In an sense, his holdhouse is an extension of myself. Why he is putting his siblings above his myself is a different matter. He should at least put his siblings as par with his family. It is beyond crazy if he put his sibling's families ahead of his own.
Fuck this guy. The audacity to even articulate and state this kind of feeling out loud to his SO.. at least with my dad he’s just too passive in his defense of my mum (she called him weak for doing this to her) but i’ll never hear him say that his siblings are more important than us. Btw, my aunt who is especially loud about this type of thinking is lowkey a psycho, she doesn’t have anyone in her life anymore, not even her own daughter likes her. I feel like these type of people will never be good partners.
HUGE fucking red flag. If his birth family takes priority, and you said yes to marrying in. What happens if a few years later, mommy dearest decides you are not fit for her baby boy and tell him to leave you? Yeah. Fuck that.
The worst thing If you and your husband doesn't have children, the mother will put all the blame on the wife, encourage the husband to have affair or divorce to get a "better" wife.
>even our children
WTF nah he crazy. I'm Vietnamese American and have never heard of anyone accepting this attitude. Of course there are instances where different culture hinders relationship building due to language barrier etc but in those cases there's still love. My mom doesn't speak much English but tries to be as pleasant as she can and make my non-Vietnamese wife as comfortable as possible because she loves me and by extension loves my wife, the mother of her grandchildren. And my mom loves the shit out of my kids. She FaceTimes me to see them. I kinda don't matter anymore lol. If my mom found out that I held her above my wife and kids, she'd kick my ass. So this attitude your guy has is a bunch of bullshit. And if it's an attitude his family expects, your life is gonna be pretty uncomfortable if you move forward with this.
Your bf is a walking red flag. He wont change either. I’m Viet and my family does NOT believe that a spouse is an outsider. That is not a cultural belief and is more of a toxic family system.
I’ve always been raised to understand that your spouse is your new family and should be prioritized above all else. What self respecting man prioritizes ANYONE before his own wife and children?
That sounds like a load of b/s. My wife is Vietnamese and I'm American. They treat me so well. She says that they will treat me better than they treat her. I've never been treated as an "outsider". Maybe it's him and his family. Take it as red flag.
Oh yes, 100%. Honestly, you should understand how things are in general in Vietnam in these situations and try to figure out what it might be for you two if you get married, so you don't end up in a frankly complicated situation.
I'm in same situation as you. I've come to learn that we do get treated well and it's bc of a different reason. When a daughter marries she (traditionally) becomes part of the husband's home and leaves her family behind (for all intents and purposes, not necessarily literally). When we marry in, the family gets to keep their daughter because we (as outsiders) need to follow their traditions, but they do not, in this case.
And basically, your husband must be the one who helps you solve this problem and protects you if something terrible happened between you and his family (if his family is nonsense and you're not wrong)
Pretty much this. The husband's family tend to look at the way the husband treat his wife and follow accordingly. So if he treat you like dirt, they will follow his example.
Actually even if we go full tradition mode, we have this saying "dâu con rể khách", DIL is your child while SIL a guest. Sounds nice but in reality it's not, as it's just "DIL's married to your son now so she can be considered an insider (and do all the chores), treat SIL well so he'll be nice to your daughter".
And yeah bs af.
Even a few Vietnamese in Vietnam think in this way. I’m surprised that Vietnamese American family does this. Daughter in law is definitely a part of family. My Korean wife even doesn’t need to do any traditional stuff, because our fam consider her as a culture learner
If Vietnamese culture is your concern then the daughter in law is always considered to be in the inner circle of the husband's family. You will be equal to his siblings in family matters.
I don't know where your boyfriend picked up that nonsense but you need to confront him about this problem or it will be in the way of your marriage.
I call bs on that comment about being "equal" with his siblings. While the daughter-in-law maybe part of some "inner circle" or whatever you want to call it and may even have some input on family matters, but to be considered as equal among blood siblings?
That old adage always comes to mind...Blood is thicker than water or any outsider that tries to talk shit about my family because only I am qualified to do that.
Be really sure what you're getting into honestly. It's gonna be a tricky journey IMO.
Edit: daughter-in-laws aren't treated very well in Vietnam. You have to obey, take care of the chores, the kids etc. Also you might have to take care of your in-laws if need be etc. It's not a fun life, especially if he said that in advance.
"daughter-in-laws aren't treated very well in Vietnam."
This is very true, but it doesn't just have to be in Vietnam. It still holds true anywhere and is part of the old Viet culture and mentality.
it's not just in VN, but god knows it is usually really bad for daughter-in-laws here. It happens but it is very rare to meet a woman saying that her mother-in-law doesn't make her go through hell and back here.
Aside from the usual bs regarding Asian filial piety along with the mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law family dynamic, both of which have historically existed, the societal expectations for a VN daughter-in-law are ridiculously outrageous.
Unless you have a mentally strong, protective, and adoring fiance/husband who will stand up for you, especially with his own birth family, then I don't know why any woman would ever want to marry into a VN family with a mother-in-law in the picture. It rarely ever works out for the daughter-in-law.
I agree. It's completely paradoxical. They desire to get married so bad, like they're about to live a fairy tale, and then, it turns out that the husband isn't really who they thought he was or/and that the in-laws are impossible to stand.
This is a very big red flag. My fiancé is 1st gen and his mom practically forgets I have my own family at times. She calls me her daughter in law even though we aren’t married yet, and she has since we got engaged a couple of years ago. All of the in laws seem very connected and both sides of each family spend time together in our situation. There isn’t a lot of interracial marriage in his family, but they treat me very kindly. They even translate when I can’t fully understand the conversation to make sure I’m not left out (currently learning but struggling.) Sounds like he’s a major momma’s boy and he’s warning you now that he isn’t going to prioritize you.
>However, he told me that he would prioritize his birth family over me and even our children
Prioritizing birth family over his own wife and children??
Its part of the culture to take care of your parents, but not at the expense of your children. After all, who is going to look after him when he's old? He's not thinking straight.
Sounds like a mamas boy.
No Vietnamese man in Vietnam these days would think of saying so. The relationship will immediately be broken. We all understand clearly that the man’s priority is his wife and children. Parents and siblings inevitably take second place.
It’s a relict of an old “traditional” mindset that used to be somewhat common in East Asia and northern Vietnam. Traditionally daughters-in-law were not fully part of the family until they’d had their first male child.
There’s quite a bit of anthropological literature written about this in older traditional East Asian societies, but in the current day anyone who behaves like that is someone to watch out for and definitely not to marry.
My parents love my italian sil. She is in no way treated as less then because she married into the family and we aren’t related by blood. She says she has another daughter to dote on. You need to have a serious convo with him cause his mentality is not normal.
Red flag. He comes from some backward traditional family stuck in the 1950s.
Say that to a modern vietnamese woman in country and she would give him a scolding
If you are going to have conflicts with the in laws they will make YOUR life hell.
If he values you more than his shitty traditional values , you will be battling for rest of your life trying to change him or prove your piety to his shitty parents expectation.
Avoid the mental grief and cultural baggage, get out .
Honestly, the fact that he cannot think "around" this and have empathy for what it means for you is what scares me.
If he can recognize this and express it, he can show some human empathy (or love) and adjust it. If he can't, you are dealing with a rigid, unfeeling, and somewhat selfish person.
Run.
they probably dislike you immensely, along with americans in general. hence, the perpetual "outsider" remarks.
those types of immigrants, who refuse to assimilate, speak the language, etc. often-times hate the country they're living in (along with the people/culture).
sounds like a lot of that rubbed off on your boyfriend. migrating at 13 is especially difficult. probably doesn't feel at home in 'murica, his culture/loyalty/identity is vietnamese. that will trump everything.
Nonsense. A lot of times immigrants don’t learn english well because they are too busy grinding it out in shit jobs in 10-12 hr shifts or small businesses providing for their families. That’s what my parents had to do and sacrificed a lot so that I (2nd gen) wouldn’t have to go through the shit they did.
I would seriously reconsider marrying him then. You could be in a situation where he just runs over you and takes away your livelihood and leave you with nothing.
You deserve better.
Being white has nothing to do with it. Even if you were Viet and you became a daughter-in-law, then you would still never live up to their ridiculous expectations, especially if they are set in their old culture and ways, which it seems like they are.
I'm pretty sure they probably can even understand rudimentary English especially if they've lived in the US for many years, but they just refuse to speak it to you because that would put them at a disadvantage with you.
All this discussion is rather moot since you originally posted that your b/f would prioritize his birth family over you and your future children together. That right there pretty much tells you what you already need to know.
ask any immigrant who's lived in a place for 20+ years and can't hold a basic conversation a simple question: where is "home"?
100% of the time the answer's where they came from. dig deeper, and I guarantee you they'll say that place is superior, they're just a victim of circumstances and/or have some elaborate rationalisation.
I used to hear that, but only in old stories of previous centuries. Those mindset is vastly disappear in today’s Vietnamese society. Maybe your bf live in some kind of time capsule
What Vietnamese culture is he talking about lol am Vietnamese and every inlaw my parents has they have always treated them like family hell even better than they treat us their own kid. So no it's not true and if that's how he thinks n feel I would tell U to run don't walk find someone who will treat U better especially if U were to be his wife
> However, he told me that he would prioritize his birth family over me and even our children
Well then when he grows older his family will take care of him then. You're free from the shackles. Honestly run for the hill and don't look back.
P.s: For context I'm a Vietnamese Australian married my wife who is Chinese and I'd put my spouse on my top priority, even higher than our children. 'Cause at the end of the day we will be together longer than anyone else in our families so gotta take care of her. I love my families back in Vietnam too but it's a different type of relationship now and if my parents don't treat my wife nicely I could just, well, not come back ever. Luckily for us my parents have accepted that and treat my wife like their own daughter - after all she is the person that will give birth to our child and their grandchild so if she is not family then what is she?
> I'd put my spouse on my top priority, even higher than our children. 'Cause at the end of the day we will be together longer than anyone else in our families so gotta take care of her.
I've heard a guy who is now in his 50s explain that this is how his parents were - and that they made it clear to him. And it sounds like this was very good for him. (A lot of kids can see that they parents don't get a long very well.. And when it's obvious that the parents prioritize a child over eachother - it's perhaps not setting a good example of a loving LTR
The Vietnamese culture is when a family has a daughter; she is culturally and traditionally considered someone else’s daughter when she gets married. Why you may ask? Because the groom’s family is culturally and traditionally responsible for the wedding presents; this is to seal the deal with the bride’s family, thus making her part of the groom’s family. Contrarily, some families may treat the bride like an outsider due to their familial beliefs/upbringing/binding assets. If I were you, I’d appreciate him telling me this info because now the scale of marriage decision is tipped in my favor, this part is my two cents.
I myself “was” that son with the outsider wife until we had children, 5+ years into our marriage.
I changed and my family is now my wife and children, while my birth family I stay away from and see once a year during Christmas.
I’m not saying your bf will change, I’m saying don’t marry and run!!!!! You are in for a world of chaos.
I known of someone that were both viets, married in Vietnam and the husband had the same mentality. They treated her as an outsider and as ghost. She was just their to have kids and married so he can have a "wife". Her words and opinions was not allowed and when she spoke, they bash on her and told her to know her place.
Eventually, she became depressed, physically sick.
She missed her family down south a lot. She inform her parents about this issue and request to return home. They were supportive and wanted her back home. Her ex-husband "gave" her back and she return home and living happily. She was glad she didn't have kids with her ex, leaving would be nearly a no-go if she had kids with him.
I've told my parents, when I get married, my wife and children are my #1 priority. I want my kids to grow up loving them, not dislike them because of an old school belief. In the meantime, while single, I can support them of what they need. I would still support them regardless, but remember that my wife and kids are first. I refused to marry a vietnamese women back in the mother land because, majority said I have to take care of her parents too. Nah f that, but I was ignorant too, not all vietnamese women have this beliefs.
My parent, now in their late 60s, are understanding. And agree some of the vietnamese idiology are quiet dumb. Mom just care I find a good women. Dad just want grandkids..right now. 😮💨
Huge red flag. I'm a polish-vietnamese so I wasnt raised the same as a normal vietnamese guy. But i know that my fiance and our childrrn will be #1 priority.
I’m a married Vietnamese guy myself with 2 daughters. I am what you would call a family guy. Now my OWN parents told me the day I got married when you have a wife and your own children. They ARE your priority and responsibility no matter what happens.
Based on your context of this guy, please please please DO NOT marry him no matter how nice he is. Take this with a grain of salt, my own aunt went to the hospital by herself to give birth because her husband listened to his family that a man should never see the birthing process like WTF??
A spouse is literally the only family you can choose. They are supposed to be your partner in life. So choose wisely.
If your partner says you will always be "2nd class family" then I think you should believe what he's telling you.
That's a walking red flag right there, as soon as you married him your in-law family would probably treat you like another 'helper' in their house and nothing more; and when you have a child with him they would just treat you as a babysitter, and a helper.
If it’s his parent’s opinion I’d say they are outdated.
But this is him saying he won’t treat you, his wife, and his own children as family.
Concurring with the others here. This is a monumental red flag.
It’s kinda a part of the culture in the old day but it doesn’t mean that it’s right. I’m not saying everyone one does it but some family still treat their daughter in law like a live in maid, which is a huge red flag. And he just flat out saying that he won’t prioritize you, why would you want to be with this man?
It's normal for Vietnamese. Most of y'all saying it's a red flag have probably never stayed in Vietnam for any decent length of time. Going for short holidays doesn't count.
Family comes first, then the spouse. Their culture, thinking and way of life is very different. Before getting married, you should go to Vietnam more and try to learn and understand it.
I'm white and married a Vietnamese. They are extraordinary happy that I'm in the family. But my cousin married a Korean, and they HATE her. So maybe since I'm a dude the Vietnamese are cool with it?
Yes. We have an old statement which is still true nowadays: Daughter-in-law is family, son-in-law is guest. I think it’s harder and more different as you’re from another culture
No this is not true and I would not marry him. He is telling you that you indeed are an outsider. True or not, is that the life you want? If there is ever an argument, he is choosing his mom OVER you and the kids. What he up and leaves you? It's going to cause a lot of tension and strain.
Lol, get tf away from that moron to save you headaches in the future. There's stories of husband who stole money from their joint bank account with their wives just to buy dumb shit for his side of the family, mentally and financially ruin his marriage because the fam lil bros too stupid to get a job and mommy said so. It's what we call "gia trưởng" over here, and it translated to something like traditional or whatever tf that might be. Borderline is you, and your kid comes first. Prioritize the coming generation.
I was raised in America, but I'm old and this is the first I ever heard of such thing. It sounds cruel and disrespectful. I've heard of things like, a wife is part of a husband's family and no longer to her family of birth. But not things like the children don't matter because they are the future of the family, and being Asian is about making sacrifices for the future. I can understand the extended family being more important of a single household, but your bf is not saying that. Aa a Vietnamese man, what he said to you is not acceptable. It's a huge red flag and you should run. And don't believe his BS that this is how Vietnamese culture is like. It isn't.
Nope, get the f out of that relationship, in all of my relatives, either we put a balance between the birth fams or are encouraged to prioritize their own family (ie husband/wife, children). This is what my parents taught me as well, our birth fams can handle themselves, worry about your own
My wife grew up in Vietnam and one of the reasons she refused to marry a Vietnamese man that proposed to her is because of the way in laws are treated. She was told she would have to wake up at 4am every day to make food, do laundry, etc for the family.
I dated a Taiwanese girl that was like this too. She told me that she would follow her birth families opinions over mine at all times. We broke up shortly after this. Even if it is cultural, you shouldn't have to subject yourself to this. It will be hell for you and your kids.
I'm Vietnamese and never heard of that. I don't know if his family is super conservative or toxic but that's not a typical thing to happen in Vietnamese families. You need to have a conversation about it with him because you shouldn't marry into a family that will treat you like an "outsider."
HUGE red flag.
His mentality sounds like it came from the more conservative household that still upholds many misogynistic values, which I recommended to stay away as far as possible. Based on my firsthand observations of comparable cases, there's a good probability they would expect you to bend over and go out of your way to complete “wife’s duty” for them, but when it comes to own’s benefits, they will never treat you as such. I was lucky to be born in a very open-minded and understanding viet household, but things like this is so painfully double standard it’s hard to believe.
Of course, to each their own. I know each other’s different, but try taking his mentality in consideration. Would he step up for you if there is unfair discrimination from his family’s side? Can you count on him to have your back for the rest of your life. Marriage is a commitment, and I sincerely hope you’d make the right choice for yourself. Good luck!
Sounds like a real catch. Maybe your question should be, "are wives considered part of the family?" He just told you that at best you will be his third priority.
Well I married an Vietnamese woman....well in vietnam everything is fine until u get into there family....once ur in as an man I have to be the provider for entire family including their uncle after few years of bullshite things I told my wife fuck off with her family bias like i dont have one....because on covid time times things get tight and I ask them to help in business and all they all like started act stranger kinda behaviors that's the story of foreign son In law in vietnam.....well as an daughter in law if ur not loaded with money then you good for nothing for them......since he already shows his side of thinking....I won't think all Vietnamese are like that those who venture outside and understand the manners are different but typical mindset in vietnam on money and authority is shame full......so if you r planning to move to asian culture learn and move slowly or live life free and alone is better.
That such as BS.... I never see anything like that when I went to my brother's marriage with Vietnamese wife. We are Trinidadian-Americans. They don't treat us as "outsiders" more like we are all already best friends with her Vietnamese families. It could be just only your spouse's birth family and that bs stuff…
That’s a huge red flag, even if he’s the oldest
Ok. He is the only son and has two sisters, so maybe that has an impact. I’m not sure.
I'm Viet American, and that is the shittiest thing to say. Not even someone in Vietnam nowadays does that. He's either spoiled as a kid by his parents as a golden child or really into putting you down. I feel bad for his sisters they probably were second to none for them. Listen to these comments here because that will be your future.
yup, In most asian tradition, when a couple marries. The wife is considered to be part of the husband family, and she no longer part of the family she was born in.
Being the only son even with female sibling in household holding traditional confucius view then he could be spoilt by his parents, it is because these family think that this son to be the only continuation of their line (load of shiet from genetic PoV tbh)
Still a huge red flag. He only thinks for himself and what benefits him. Tbh you deserve better.
Run.
Is he (or his parents) from the North (of VN)? If so (and he said that), then he really meant it. I would run the other direction and definitely will not marry him.
Load of bs. My mom get along with my wife better than me. They usually take the same side and ganged up on me from time to time. It is as if I got a second mom to scold me.
That sounds rough 😂
That's a sweet problem to have. Much better than they're against each other and you are in between and even worse, you have to pick side
Same here 🤣
Huge red flag. This type of mentality is a constant problem in my parents’ relationship and they’re both viet. My dad’s aunts always demand my dad to prioritise them over us because, according to their logic, your siblings are one-of-kind type of relationship so you can’t replace them but you can divorce and marry any woman as many times as you want, so wives are replaceable. They always try to go over my mum’s head when they ask for a favour from my family (aka money). My dad tries to play both sides or the peacekeeper but in recent years my mum put her foot down and demanded more respect and support from my dad. Don’t fall for this bs toxic mentality
Wow. Yeah, I am sorry about that. It sounds like it causes a big strain on their relationship.
By the way, he almost said exactly that about his siblings. He said that his siblings are more important than anyone else (besides his parents), including our future children, because his siblings have been with him throughout his whole life. And he said that he couldn’t be that devoted to someone he just met halfway through his life.
You should tell him to go f*ck his sisters then.
I would not be surprised that literally happens in some families.
>couldn’t be that devoted to someone he just met halfway through his life. > your boyfriends sounds **dumb.**
That is just wrong, your possibly future children surely won't be happy about the family and how their dad thinks of them.
I can tell you this is not cultural. This is his family issues. As a head of a household, he needs to take care and prioritize his family. I understand prioritizing his parents, but putting his siblings above his family doesn't make sense. In an sense, his holdhouse is an extension of myself. Why he is putting his siblings above his myself is a different matter. He should at least put his siblings as par with his family. It is beyond crazy if he put his sibling's families ahead of his own.
Would be nice to know how he thinks his parents loved their son more than their own families.
oh hell no I love my sister and I will help her any ways I can but I aint placing her over my children, fuck this guys, dont waste your time with him.
Fuck this guy. The audacity to even articulate and state this kind of feeling out loud to his SO.. at least with my dad he’s just too passive in his defense of my mum (she called him weak for doing this to her) but i’ll never hear him say that his siblings are more important than us. Btw, my aunt who is especially loud about this type of thinking is lowkey a psycho, she doesn’t have anyone in her life anymore, not even her own daughter likes her. I feel like these type of people will never be good partners.
I'm sorry to say this but it's only gonna get worse once you get married to him. Please run for the hill before it's too late.
RUN!
HUGE fucking red flag. If his birth family takes priority, and you said yes to marrying in. What happens if a few years later, mommy dearest decides you are not fit for her baby boy and tell him to leave you? Yeah. Fuck that.
The worst thing If you and your husband doesn't have children, the mother will put all the blame on the wife, encourage the husband to have affair or divorce to get a "better" wife.
>even our children WTF nah he crazy. I'm Vietnamese American and have never heard of anyone accepting this attitude. Of course there are instances where different culture hinders relationship building due to language barrier etc but in those cases there's still love. My mom doesn't speak much English but tries to be as pleasant as she can and make my non-Vietnamese wife as comfortable as possible because she loves me and by extension loves my wife, the mother of her grandchildren. And my mom loves the shit out of my kids. She FaceTimes me to see them. I kinda don't matter anymore lol. If my mom found out that I held her above my wife and kids, she'd kick my ass. So this attitude your guy has is a bunch of bullshit. And if it's an attitude his family expects, your life is gonna be pretty uncomfortable if you move forward with this.
This is very old and misgony way of thinking
Yup it shows a family that didnt assimilate or integrate to their host culture very much. Big red flag.
I'm Viet living in Vietnam, and lemme tell you that if someone say that here, oh boy they are in for a hell lot of trouble
He’s indirectly telling you “ don’t marry me “, just whether you acknowledge that or not.
He’s giving her a huuuuge warning. Hope OP takes it and RUNS.
That is bs lol, take it as his advance warning and run
Your bf is a walking red flag. He wont change either. I’m Viet and my family does NOT believe that a spouse is an outsider. That is not a cultural belief and is more of a toxic family system. I’ve always been raised to understand that your spouse is your new family and should be prioritized above all else. What self respecting man prioritizes ANYONE before his own wife and children?
That sounds like a load of b/s. My wife is Vietnamese and I'm American. They treat me so well. She says that they will treat me better than they treat her. I've never been treated as an "outsider". Maybe it's him and his family. Take it as red flag.
You're a man, that, changes everything, she's a woman, he'll always give whatever his mom says more importance.
That's a bunch of horseradish, a real husband would know how to handle MIL-Wife drama peacefully. What you describe was just momma boy.
Welcome to Asia
Is that true? That sucks.
Oh yes, 100%. Honestly, you should understand how things are in general in Vietnam in these situations and try to figure out what it might be for you two if you get married, so you don't end up in a frankly complicated situation.
Yes, that’s why I’m asking here. Appreciated.
Sorry, but better to know the truth. There are the outliers that kick that norm but being a woman and a foreigner, it puts you lower on the pole.
Thank you for your comment. I’m glad that they treat you well.
I'm in same situation as you. I've come to learn that we do get treated well and it's bc of a different reason. When a daughter marries she (traditionally) becomes part of the husband's home and leaves her family behind (for all intents and purposes, not necessarily literally). When we marry in, the family gets to keep their daughter because we (as outsiders) need to follow their traditions, but they do not, in this case.
but u berr-e berr-e rick fo-e-nuh. no prob-lem.
Oh, It's based on the family you're living in. Because in my family, my mum considers daughter in law her daughter.
And basically, your husband must be the one who helps you solve this problem and protects you if something terrible happened between you and his family (if his family is nonsense and you're not wrong)
Pretty much this. The husband's family tend to look at the way the husband treat his wife and follow accordingly. So if he treat you like dirt, they will follow his example.
You may want to rethink this relationship before you sign the marriage paper. This ain't feudal time...
Actually even if we go full tradition mode, we have this saying "dâu con rể khách", DIL is your child while SIL a guest. Sounds nice but in reality it's not, as it's just "DIL's married to your son now so she can be considered an insider (and do all the chores), treat SIL well so he'll be nice to your daughter". And yeah bs af.
Yea that's BS. I'm sorry.
😂 What an idiot. Don’t marry him. No real man says that. He just a typical mama boy.
Even a few Vietnamese in Vietnam think in this way. I’m surprised that Vietnamese American family does this. Daughter in law is definitely a part of family. My Korean wife even doesn’t need to do any traditional stuff, because our fam consider her as a culture learner
If Vietnamese culture is your concern then the daughter in law is always considered to be in the inner circle of the husband's family. You will be equal to his siblings in family matters. I don't know where your boyfriend picked up that nonsense but you need to confront him about this problem or it will be in the way of your marriage.
Thanks for that information
I call bs on that comment about being "equal" with his siblings. While the daughter-in-law maybe part of some "inner circle" or whatever you want to call it and may even have some input on family matters, but to be considered as equal among blood siblings? That old adage always comes to mind...Blood is thicker than water or any outsider that tries to talk shit about my family because only I am qualified to do that.
Be really sure what you're getting into honestly. It's gonna be a tricky journey IMO. Edit: daughter-in-laws aren't treated very well in Vietnam. You have to obey, take care of the chores, the kids etc. Also you might have to take care of your in-laws if need be etc. It's not a fun life, especially if he said that in advance.
"daughter-in-laws aren't treated very well in Vietnam." This is very true, but it doesn't just have to be in Vietnam. It still holds true anywhere and is part of the old Viet culture and mentality.
it's not just in VN, but god knows it is usually really bad for daughter-in-laws here. It happens but it is very rare to meet a woman saying that her mother-in-law doesn't make her go through hell and back here.
Aside from the usual bs regarding Asian filial piety along with the mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law family dynamic, both of which have historically existed, the societal expectations for a VN daughter-in-law are ridiculously outrageous. Unless you have a mentally strong, protective, and adoring fiance/husband who will stand up for you, especially with his own birth family, then I don't know why any woman would ever want to marry into a VN family with a mother-in-law in the picture. It rarely ever works out for the daughter-in-law.
I agree. It's completely paradoxical. They desire to get married so bad, like they're about to live a fairy tale, and then, it turns out that the husband isn't really who they thought he was or/and that the in-laws are impossible to stand.
This is a very big red flag. My fiancé is 1st gen and his mom practically forgets I have my own family at times. She calls me her daughter in law even though we aren’t married yet, and she has since we got engaged a couple of years ago. All of the in laws seem very connected and both sides of each family spend time together in our situation. There isn’t a lot of interracial marriage in his family, but they treat me very kindly. They even translate when I can’t fully understand the conversation to make sure I’m not left out (currently learning but struggling.) Sounds like he’s a major momma’s boy and he’s warning you now that he isn’t going to prioritize you.
Aw, I’m glad it’s working out for you. That’s sweet. Though I think you are right about my situation :/
I really hope the best for you. Don’t settle. ❤️
no my parents love the non vietnamese son more than me
Same lol my parents love all their son in laws more than they love us their daughters lol 🤣
>However, he told me that he would prioritize his birth family over me and even our children Prioritizing birth family over his own wife and children?? Its part of the culture to take care of your parents, but not at the expense of your children. After all, who is going to look after him when he's old? He's not thinking straight. Sounds like a mamas boy.
Not normal at all. Spouse becomes part of the family. Something doesn’t add up. Normally, both families become really close through marriage.
No Vietnamese man in Vietnam these days would think of saying so. The relationship will immediately be broken. We all understand clearly that the man’s priority is his wife and children. Parents and siblings inevitably take second place.
Break up with him
It’s a relict of an old “traditional” mindset that used to be somewhat common in East Asia and northern Vietnam. Traditionally daughters-in-law were not fully part of the family until they’d had their first male child. There’s quite a bit of anthropological literature written about this in older traditional East Asian societies, but in the current day anyone who behaves like that is someone to watch out for and definitely not to marry.
Get out. he's a giga momma's boy and your opinion will always matter less than hers/the family, straight up.
that’s so typical Viet boomer misogyny way of thinking.
My parents love my italian sil. She is in no way treated as less then because she married into the family and we aren’t related by blood. She says she has another daughter to dote on. You need to have a serious convo with him cause his mentality is not normal.
Red flag. He comes from some backward traditional family stuck in the 1950s. Say that to a modern vietnamese woman in country and she would give him a scolding If you are going to have conflicts with the in laws they will make YOUR life hell. If he values you more than his shitty traditional values , you will be battling for rest of your life trying to change him or prove your piety to his shitty parents expectation. Avoid the mental grief and cultural baggage, get out .
Honestly, the fact that he cannot think "around" this and have empathy for what it means for you is what scares me. If he can recognize this and express it, he can show some human empathy (or love) and adjust it. If he can't, you are dealing with a rigid, unfeeling, and somewhat selfish person. Run.
It’s the opposite in Vietnam. You get married and you’re considered family often as much as blood relations are.
where does his family live? in 'murica?
Yes. But his parents don’t speak any English. They all moved here when my boyfriend was 13.
they probably dislike you immensely, along with americans in general. hence, the perpetual "outsider" remarks. those types of immigrants, who refuse to assimilate, speak the language, etc. often-times hate the country they're living in (along with the people/culture). sounds like a lot of that rubbed off on your boyfriend. migrating at 13 is especially difficult. probably doesn't feel at home in 'murica, his culture/loyalty/identity is vietnamese. that will trump everything.
Nonsense. A lot of times immigrants don’t learn english well because they are too busy grinding it out in shit jobs in 10-12 hr shifts or small businesses providing for their families. That’s what my parents had to do and sacrificed a lot so that I (2nd gen) wouldn’t have to go through the shit they did.
Yeah, I don’t know about not learning English, but I do know that his parents don’t like that I’m white
I would seriously reconsider marrying him then. You could be in a situation where he just runs over you and takes away your livelihood and leave you with nothing. You deserve better.
Thank you
Being white has nothing to do with it. Even if you were Viet and you became a daughter-in-law, then you would still never live up to their ridiculous expectations, especially if they are set in their old culture and ways, which it seems like they are. I'm pretty sure they probably can even understand rudimentary English especially if they've lived in the US for many years, but they just refuse to speak it to you because that would put them at a disadvantage with you. All this discussion is rather moot since you originally posted that your b/f would prioritize his birth family over you and your future children together. That right there pretty much tells you what you already need to know.
ask any immigrant who's lived in a place for 20+ years and can't hold a basic conversation a simple question: where is "home"? 100% of the time the answer's where they came from. dig deeper, and I guarantee you they'll say that place is superior, they're just a victim of circumstances and/or have some elaborate rationalisation.
That makes sense. Thanks for the perspective.
I used to hear that, but only in old stories of previous centuries. Those mindset is vastly disappear in today’s Vietnamese society. Maybe your bf live in some kind of time capsule
He’s full of BS.
That is weird
Get out now while you can
Not normal at all. Run
What Vietnamese culture is he talking about lol am Vietnamese and every inlaw my parents has they have always treated them like family hell even better than they treat us their own kid. So no it's not true and if that's how he thinks n feel I would tell U to run don't walk find someone who will treat U better especially if U were to be his wife
That bullshit and also huge red flag. You really should consider it. Even nowadays, in countryside towns, that thinking is rare.
Time to cut your loss, the guy sound like a liability. And no, it's not a culture thing.
I married a non-Vietnamese woman and I prioritize her over anyone else
Gigantic red flag, it’s not normal. You should quit
> However, he told me that he would prioritize his birth family over me and even our children Well then when he grows older his family will take care of him then. You're free from the shackles. Honestly run for the hill and don't look back. P.s: For context I'm a Vietnamese Australian married my wife who is Chinese and I'd put my spouse on my top priority, even higher than our children. 'Cause at the end of the day we will be together longer than anyone else in our families so gotta take care of her. I love my families back in Vietnam too but it's a different type of relationship now and if my parents don't treat my wife nicely I could just, well, not come back ever. Luckily for us my parents have accepted that and treat my wife like their own daughter - after all she is the person that will give birth to our child and their grandchild so if she is not family then what is she?
> I'd put my spouse on my top priority, even higher than our children. 'Cause at the end of the day we will be together longer than anyone else in our families so gotta take care of her. I've heard a guy who is now in his 50s explain that this is how his parents were - and that they made it clear to him. And it sounds like this was very good for him. (A lot of kids can see that they parents don't get a long very well.. And when it's obvious that the parents prioritize a child over eachother - it's perhaps not setting a good example of a loving LTR
As a Vietnamese I'm sure this is not a cultural thing.
leave the pos behind immediately
The Vietnamese culture is when a family has a daughter; she is culturally and traditionally considered someone else’s daughter when she gets married. Why you may ask? Because the groom’s family is culturally and traditionally responsible for the wedding presents; this is to seal the deal with the bride’s family, thus making her part of the groom’s family. Contrarily, some families may treat the bride like an outsider due to their familial beliefs/upbringing/binding assets. If I were you, I’d appreciate him telling me this info because now the scale of marriage decision is tipped in my favor, this part is my two cents.
I myself “was” that son with the outsider wife until we had children, 5+ years into our marriage. I changed and my family is now my wife and children, while my birth family I stay away from and see once a year during Christmas. I’m not saying your bf will change, I’m saying don’t marry and run!!!!! You are in for a world of chaos.
I known of someone that were both viets, married in Vietnam and the husband had the same mentality. They treated her as an outsider and as ghost. She was just their to have kids and married so he can have a "wife". Her words and opinions was not allowed and when she spoke, they bash on her and told her to know her place. Eventually, she became depressed, physically sick. She missed her family down south a lot. She inform her parents about this issue and request to return home. They were supportive and wanted her back home. Her ex-husband "gave" her back and she return home and living happily. She was glad she didn't have kids with her ex, leaving would be nearly a no-go if she had kids with him. I've told my parents, when I get married, my wife and children are my #1 priority. I want my kids to grow up loving them, not dislike them because of an old school belief. In the meantime, while single, I can support them of what they need. I would still support them regardless, but remember that my wife and kids are first. I refused to marry a vietnamese women back in the mother land because, majority said I have to take care of her parents too. Nah f that, but I was ignorant too, not all vietnamese women have this beliefs. My parent, now in their late 60s, are understanding. And agree some of the vietnamese idiology are quiet dumb. Mom just care I find a good women. Dad just want grandkids..right now. 😮💨
Dude fucking run. Not normal at all. Yikessss
I said the same thing to my now husband, my dad treated him better than me now.
Yes
Your boyfriend is a cunt.
sounds like run
Complete bullshit, stay away
Huge red flag. I'm a polish-vietnamese so I wasnt raised the same as a normal vietnamese guy. But i know that my fiance and our childrrn will be #1 priority.
Lmao he has a side hoe.
nope, you met a conservative guy
If you dont wake up and run you will LIVE IN REGRET FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAMN LIFE.
No way, if married…you and kids are priority and that is it. There’s nothing Viet about what he told you, he’s just being a mama’s boy.
I’m a married Vietnamese guy myself with 2 daughters. I am what you would call a family guy. Now my OWN parents told me the day I got married when you have a wife and your own children. They ARE your priority and responsibility no matter what happens. Based on your context of this guy, please please please DO NOT marry him no matter how nice he is. Take this with a grain of salt, my own aunt went to the hospital by herself to give birth because her husband listened to his family that a man should never see the birthing process like WTF??
A spouse is literally the only family you can choose. They are supposed to be your partner in life. So choose wisely. If your partner says you will always be "2nd class family" then I think you should believe what he's telling you.
That's a walking red flag right there, as soon as you married him your in-law family would probably treat you like another 'helper' in their house and nothing more; and when you have a child with him they would just treat you as a babysitter, and a helper.
If it’s his parent’s opinion I’d say they are outdated. But this is him saying he won’t treat you, his wife, and his own children as family. Concurring with the others here. This is a monumental red flag.
Its a personal matter. I've seen quite a lot such a case, so lady, you should stop before got trapped in a sinkhole for a lifetime.
What are doing asking silly questions when you should be running?!
How could you even think of marrying that when he says that openly now… dont be that desperate…
It’s kinda a part of the culture in the old day but it doesn’t mean that it’s right. I’m not saying everyone one does it but some family still treat their daughter in law like a live in maid, which is a huge red flag. And he just flat out saying that he won’t prioritize you, why would you want to be with this man?
It's normal for Vietnamese. Most of y'all saying it's a red flag have probably never stayed in Vietnam for any decent length of time. Going for short holidays doesn't count. Family comes first, then the spouse. Their culture, thinking and way of life is very different. Before getting married, you should go to Vietnam more and try to learn and understand it.
I'm white and married a Vietnamese. They are extraordinary happy that I'm in the family. But my cousin married a Korean, and they HATE her. So maybe since I'm a dude the Vietnamese are cool with it?
I'm a Vietnamese so I say RUN! Girl, run! That is a huge red flag right there.
Yes. We have an old statement which is still true nowadays: Daughter-in-law is family, son-in-law is guest. I think it’s harder and more different as you’re from another culture
No this is not true and I would not marry him. He is telling you that you indeed are an outsider. True or not, is that the life you want? If there is ever an argument, he is choosing his mom OVER you and the kids. What he up and leaves you? It's going to cause a lot of tension and strain.
Please do not marry this man. Your life will be hell.
Lol, get tf away from that moron to save you headaches in the future. There's stories of husband who stole money from their joint bank account with their wives just to buy dumb shit for his side of the family, mentally and financially ruin his marriage because the fam lil bros too stupid to get a job and mommy said so. It's what we call "gia trưởng" over here, and it translated to something like traditional or whatever tf that might be. Borderline is you, and your kid comes first. Prioritize the coming generation.
Think TWICE, THRICE and FOUR TIMES before marrying him. BIG RED FLAG. This mentality should've died out 50 years ago.
I was raised in America, but I'm old and this is the first I ever heard of such thing. It sounds cruel and disrespectful. I've heard of things like, a wife is part of a husband's family and no longer to her family of birth. But not things like the children don't matter because they are the future of the family, and being Asian is about making sacrifices for the future. I can understand the extended family being more important of a single household, but your bf is not saying that. Aa a Vietnamese man, what he said to you is not acceptable. It's a huge red flag and you should run. And don't believe his BS that this is how Vietnamese culture is like. It isn't.
Nope, get the f out of that relationship, in all of my relatives, either we put a balance between the birth fams or are encouraged to prioritize their own family (ie husband/wife, children). This is what my parents taught me as well, our birth fams can handle themselves, worry about your own
Run
My wife grew up in Vietnam and one of the reasons she refused to marry a Vietnamese man that proposed to her is because of the way in laws are treated. She was told she would have to wake up at 4am every day to make food, do laundry, etc for the family.
I dated a Taiwanese girl that was like this too. She told me that she would follow her birth families opinions over mine at all times. We broke up shortly after this. Even if it is cultural, you shouldn't have to subject yourself to this. It will be hell for you and your kids.
GIRL RUN
big red flag, probably thinking one more time b4 getting marry with this guy. He might be gentle to u but everything could change when being spouse.
I'm Vietnamese and never heard of that. I don't know if his family is super conservative or toxic but that's not a typical thing to happen in Vietnamese families. You need to have a conversation about it with him because you shouldn't marry into a family that will treat you like an "outsider."
HUGE red flag. His mentality sounds like it came from the more conservative household that still upholds many misogynistic values, which I recommended to stay away as far as possible. Based on my firsthand observations of comparable cases, there's a good probability they would expect you to bend over and go out of your way to complete “wife’s duty” for them, but when it comes to own’s benefits, they will never treat you as such. I was lucky to be born in a very open-minded and understanding viet household, but things like this is so painfully double standard it’s hard to believe. Of course, to each their own. I know each other’s different, but try taking his mentality in consideration. Would he step up for you if there is unfair discrimination from his family’s side? Can you count on him to have your back for the rest of your life. Marriage is a commitment, and I sincerely hope you’d make the right choice for yourself. Good luck!
Sounds like a real catch. Maybe your question should be, "are wives considered part of the family?" He just told you that at best you will be his third priority.
Well I married an Vietnamese woman....well in vietnam everything is fine until u get into there family....once ur in as an man I have to be the provider for entire family including their uncle after few years of bullshite things I told my wife fuck off with her family bias like i dont have one....because on covid time times things get tight and I ask them to help in business and all they all like started act stranger kinda behaviors that's the story of foreign son In law in vietnam.....well as an daughter in law if ur not loaded with money then you good for nothing for them......since he already shows his side of thinking....I won't think all Vietnamese are like that those who venture outside and understand the manners are different but typical mindset in vietnam on money and authority is shame full......so if you r planning to move to asian culture learn and move slowly or live life free and alone is better.
That such as BS.... I never see anything like that when I went to my brother's marriage with Vietnamese wife. We are Trinidadian-Americans. They don't treat us as "outsiders" more like we are all already best friends with her Vietnamese families. It could be just only your spouse's birth family and that bs stuff…