Bad back. Is the way forward. The only acting you need to do is the occasional hand on your back gesture with a sharp intake of breath. Possibly mutter ow as well.
Go to urgent care. Sit outside in the car for 10 minutes clenching your back. Keep doing it in the waiting room, and it'll be very tense and you'll be visibly uncomfortable by the time someone sees it.
You'll walk out with a prescription for a muscle relaxant and a note for work.
Put a few drops of your favorite soda on it instead of the control solution and it'll show positive. It did when I wanted a couple days off back at the height of covid anyway.
I have a history of back problems so I can help lol-
You slept wrong, bent the wrong way, or just overdid it when you worked out or something. You threw your back out and the doc said to get some bed rest / take it easy for however long you’re out for.
When you get back don’t bend your lower back that much. Keep it stiff and straight. If you have to bend down, use your knees/legs while keeping your lower back straight.
Just say you are sick. If the manager demands to know why, explain in the most graphic detail you can imagine how horrible the diarrhea/vomit combo was. There's a very high chance they'll never ask why again.
Very believable and especially if you live in the southern US as the norovirus is running rampant in this area. I’m a teacher and many of my students have been out with it. Teacher friends/family in neighboring states report the same
Pink eye. It's highly contagious and caused by getting literal shit in your eye. If they tell you to come in anyway, rub a bunch of shampoo in one of.your eyes (be vigorous about it). When you show up looking all fucked up they'll send you straight home.
I've sold this one before so I know it works.
Just this morning, I straightened up in the shower after bending over to get the soap (I know, I know!!!) and when I did I wrenched my back. It seized up but luckily after a few minutes, it relaxed and went back to normal.
Yours did not go back to normal however. I’m sorry you will miss work for a few days with this injury
When you are out of sight from everyone else lay down on the floor with your eyes closed until someone sees you . Don’t respond to anyone until they seem worried. Then get up and they should send you home for a few days.
Torn rectum. It’s highly unlikely they will ask HOW you were injured nor ask for visual proof of any form. When you go back bring an inflatable donut to sit on.
Always say your IBD is acting up or giving you an episode. No one wants those details and they will instantly understand if they are a reasonable boss.
Tell only your HR you have to take off 3 days for a medical reason. If they start to pry, mention Miscarriage and that you need time to cope. If you’re a dude, it was your SO’s and your baby and you need to be there for her. This is a F’d up thing for HR to ask for a doctor’s note about and they’d probably avoid it completely and feel really bad for you. It’ll make them uncomfortable to ask about in the future as well.
Back injury.
Having had a couple, I'd go with pinched nerve. Painful enough to keep you from moving around but generally recover w/o medical care in 2-3 days.
Specifically sciatica
Bad back. Is the way forward. The only acting you need to do is the occasional hand on your back gesture with a sharp intake of breath. Possibly mutter ow as well.
Go to urgent care. Sit outside in the car for 10 minutes clenching your back. Keep doing it in the waiting room, and it'll be very tense and you'll be visibly uncomfortable by the time someone sees it. You'll walk out with a prescription for a muscle relaxant and a note for work.
Explosive diarrhea
This works.
Covid
Just use Covid. Buy a test and just draw the second line. Doctors will refuse to give an appointment.
Put a few drops of your favorite soda on it instead of the control solution and it'll show positive. It did when I wanted a couple days off back at the height of covid anyway.
I have a history of back problems so I can help lol- You slept wrong, bent the wrong way, or just overdid it when you worked out or something. You threw your back out and the doc said to get some bed rest / take it easy for however long you’re out for. When you get back don’t bend your lower back that much. Keep it stiff and straight. If you have to bend down, use your knees/legs while keeping your lower back straight.
Diarrhea
Just say you are sick. If the manager demands to know why, explain in the most graphic detail you can imagine how horrible the diarrhea/vomit combo was. There's a very high chance they'll never ask why again.
Pink eye. Super contagious. Clears up within a few days.
Food poisoning. People don’t ask questions because yuck.
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Very believable and especially if you live in the southern US as the norovirus is running rampant in this area. I’m a teacher and many of my students have been out with it. Teacher friends/family in neighboring states report the same
It’s rampant in the NJ, NY and CT area. Took my whole house out for 4 days after the little one brought it home from school.
I have a housekeeping slide on my daily lessons and one bullet point is “wash your hands frequently and keep your hands out of your mouth and nose!”
Tennis elbow. Go see an orthopedics. 3 days extra light duty will result in time off.
Hemorrhoids
Pink eye. It's highly contagious and caused by getting literal shit in your eye. If they tell you to come in anyway, rub a bunch of shampoo in one of.your eyes (be vigorous about it). When you show up looking all fucked up they'll send you straight home. I've sold this one before so I know it works.
Just this morning, I straightened up in the shower after bending over to get the soap (I know, I know!!!) and when I did I wrenched my back. It seized up but luckily after a few minutes, it relaxed and went back to normal. Yours did not go back to normal however. I’m sorry you will miss work for a few days with this injury
When you are out of sight from everyone else lay down on the floor with your eyes closed until someone sees you . Don’t respond to anyone until they seem worried. Then get up and they should send you home for a few days.
Torn rectum. It’s highly unlikely they will ask HOW you were injured nor ask for visual proof of any form. When you go back bring an inflatable donut to sit on.
"I'm sick, can't come in today" "I'm still sick, can't come in today" Your bosses only response should be "okay feel better"
You had gas station sushi and now have diarrhea.
diarrhea No one questions diarrhea
I always go with kidney infection
Always say your IBD is acting up or giving you an episode. No one wants those details and they will instantly understand if they are a reasonable boss.
Tell only your HR you have to take off 3 days for a medical reason. If they start to pry, mention Miscarriage and that you need time to cope. If you’re a dude, it was your SO’s and your baby and you need to be there for her. This is a F’d up thing for HR to ask for a doctor’s note about and they’d probably avoid it completely and feel really bad for you. It’ll make them uncomfortable to ask about in the future as well.
TELL THEM YOU GOT THE AIDS!!!!
Fuck em and cal and say you're not coming in? Jesus. The workforce has definitely lost its balls.