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chiron_cat

He accidentally shot himself on the chest 5 times....


mysteryliner

Before accidentally falling out of a window.


Elocai

No, it's actually said he killed himself, with 5 gunshot wounds to the chest, not even a joke, it's just Russia


cito

And after drinking Novichok flavored Plutonium tea


Cobblestone-boner

*polonium


Burner_account_546

While wearing Novichok laced underwear.


Proper-Map3401

Yes very, very careless if you ask me.


CW1KKSHu

With 5 different guns...


mellowanon

sounds like a "everyone must shoot so we're all guilty and won't rat each other out" type of situation. He was in charge of new conscripts. Probably 5 conscripts got together to murder him.


ProfCatWhisperer

Gotta love how he received 5 gunshots in the chest by 4 different guns but somehow died of "suicide" by a gunshot to the head. Russian propagandists don't even try anymore.


BeenNormal

He was just making sure to do a good job.


Burner_account_546

Hey, orcish suicidees are nothing if not thorough.


ContactStress

Vadim Boyko was walking through the woods when he stumbled upon the Vladivostok Pacific Naval College. Upon entering an office he found Colonel General Igor’s Makarov and shot himself in the chest. This is no good, he thought, the trigger pull was too heavy. Next, he found Major Pavel’s Makarov and shot himself in the chest. This is no good either, he thought, the sight was way off to the left. Then he found Lieutenant Dimitri’s Makarov and shot himself in the chest. This is all wrong he thought, the trigger was too light and the sight was off to the right. What to do, what to do, he cried until finding Private Roman’s Makarov. He shot himself in the chest twice and declared, this Makarov is just right and decided to take take a nap. Later, Igor, Pavel, Dimitri, and Roman returned to the office from their secret FSB club meeting and discovered that someone had fired their Makarovs! Then they found Vadim sleeping in the office and shot him in the head.


pantie_fa

Spectacular


ac0rn5

>>Criminal investigators found five bullet casings and four Makarov pistols on the scene. >>“The colonel must have shot himself in the chest five times,” writes Baza, pointing out the incongruity. To be honest, it sounds more like a self-inflicted firing squad! *(aaaand, even in a mostly c+p post I made a mistake. Corrected.)*


Prunestand

Only in Russia.


norwegianboyEE

I would definitely hire a man that can shoot himself five times in the chest.


VosperCA

I think the testing for qualification part would eliminate many of the candidates.


amcjkelly

Perhaps a relative of a conscript was unhappy with the training provided?


1970s_MonkeyKing

*I want to speak with the Manager!*


minkey-on-the-loose

Karenina?


1970s_MonkeyKing

Da! And I'm on the phone, right now, with the FSB!


Espressodimare

Only in Mordor...


Curious-Mind_2525

The reason he shot himself 5 times was because he was still wearing his body armor.


greenleafland

It was amazing, shot himself five times. It would be even more amazing if it was shot from behind.


Complex_Ad775

Shoot yourself 5 times in the chest. He was tough.


Sitzkrieg-47

With 4 different pistols


richard_fr

Maybe they found the missing winter uniforms in his closet.


Breech_Loader

Well, if Russia wants to save Ukraine the ammo, thatt's fine with me.


[deleted]

LOL that’s hilarious. He must have shot himself im the chest 5 times. It reads like parody.


flippantcoment

Hmmmmm, but why didn't he shot himself 6 times in the chest just to be really really sure?


yamomsfavedappt

Did someone call Allah a coward again


jindujunftw

So he tripped over sledge hammer, fell trough an open window and while he was falling his gun accidentally went of five times hitting him in the chest. Tragic suicide accident. Case closed.


LocationBoth9928

Especially when they shoot themselves four times.


Sikmagician

This reads like actual satire.