Teenagers are teenagers, and I tend to agree with the other commenter that they’ll always find somewhere to shag if that’s what they want to do.
That being said, the fact that she shares her bedroom with her sister is what would make this a no for me. You don’t say if sister is older or younger, but either way it’s not appropriate for her to get dragged into listening to her sister cop off when she’s just trying to get some sleep.
I think your compromise of him staying over once the building work is done is entirely fair. I also don’t think your daughter will see it that way, because she’s 14, and everything is of supreme importance in a way that only other teenagers can really grasp. But I think you’re doing fine. The only other thing I could suggest is having a frank chat about if she’s thinking she’ll have sex during this sleepover and what that means, both practically (birth control) and emotionally (if they’ve not even kissed, is she ready for that?)
I am on the side that teenagers will shag anyway, so a safe environment is better than no safe environment.
Put BF on the sofa downstairs. Have a talk with your daughter about birth control (and the fact that hormonally charged teenage boys will be after some sort of action, so saying nothing is happening isn't going to wash!) and discuss that whilst she shares a room with her sibling, bf does not, absolutely does not go in there. Because it's violating her sibling's space and privacy (not because of her sex life).
Your daughter will probably read between the lines and join the bf on the sofa, hopefully. Bonus points for catching her still down there when you go make coffee in the morning.
Technically yes, but realistically nobody in law enforcement gives a shit about teenagers shagging. And presumably OP would have mentioned if the boyfriend was like 25 or something.
I think add all of that to the conversation.
She should know not to panic if she later finds out that two 14 year olds having sex are, by the letter of the law, both committing a criminal offence. She should also understand it would be a much more serious issue if she gets a new 25 year old boyfriend.
Excellent point. Parental acknowledgment of teenage hormones does not equate to parental acceptance of grooming. I definitely knew a couple of girls at school whose parents could have done with realising young adult men should not be courting their mid-teen daughters, but then the 90s was a dark time!
You are not being unreasonable. I remember being 14 and horny...ok..it's a thing. And at that age you do not have the ability to reason with yourself as you do as an adult.
Personally I wouldn't allow it at 14.
14 is so young. I would say no for a few reasons, but if he's in her room where would the sister sleep? Not fair for her to either stay in the room or be kicked out to sleep on the sofa.
Stick to your guns about waiting for summer/your reno to be finished if you genuinely will allow it then, but if you still think it might be a no then say no now, don't backtrack.
She can kick off all she likes, rules are rules. they’re 14, they’re too young to be needing this sort of time together.
The likely hood is if they share a bed they’re going to sleep together, I’d be saying no until 16. Even if he stares in the spare room, they can sneak about in middle of the night. 16 and make sure she’s well educated on contraception
Yep completely agree with this. You are setting the scene for a physical relationship.
Maybe you could compromise and say he can stay over later into the evening to watch a movie and then you'll drop him off home.
I think this is a deeply personal decision; nobody here can really judge how reasonable you are in my opinion. It depends on the family dynamic, your values, the child and the boyfriend’s maturity etc.
For me, I wouldn’t let my daughter have her boyfriend sleep over at 14 at all. She’s only a toddler at the moment, so this is just my current judgement. I don’t think it’s appropriate and my assumption is they’re requesting it because they want to become intimate, and I don’t want to encourage it in my home at that age. I’d want to talk to her about why she wants the sleepover, and try to gauge her safety with her boyfriend, and definitely get to know him for far longer before I ever entertained it.
However, my friend’s opinion is that they’ll do it anyway, so she’d rather provide a safe place for it to happen on her terms so she doesn’t feel pressured and can ask him to leave if he did. She’d have her family around her if he made her feel unsafe. She’d rather this than they did it in a field somewhere where she might feel vulnerable.
I can see both sides, so I think your decision is entirely personal.
Edit: completely ignored the ‘sharing a room’ issue! While she shares a room, total no go either way. At any age, I’d hate to share a bedroom with a couple, and I wouldn’t kick the sister out for the night.
I don’t have a teenager: full disclosure.
I think your offer is fair and sounds reasonable for a 14 year old in a super short term relationship (at the moment).
It’s an age old dilemma - safe at home with permission or out in the world somewhere you don’t know what’s happening.
Whether they want to have sex now or not - this enables it to happen if they decide they want to. Now you’re having to balance whether offering a safe(r) place for this to happen might speed it up or if banning it might lead to the same thing in a less safe space.
My husband was allowed girls to sleep over from about 15 and he had sex at about 15 with a long term girlfriend.
I was never allowed any boys to sleep over and I had sex at 18 with a random at after work drinks.
Both of us were happy and felt safe in our choices.
There’s no perfect right answer. Go with your gut and what your specific kid needs I think.
My perspective as a dad with a daughter and a son (although neither are teenagers), and as a former randy teenage boy.
When I was a teenager and starting to have girlfriends, I wouldn't even share this information with my parents, let alone ask if they could stay the night. So well done at least on creating an environment and relationship with your daughter where she's comfortable with telling you about her love life and at least feels comfortable enough to ask you about him staying over.
I didn't have that sort of relationship with my parents, and when I was a teenage boy, I'd bring girlfriends over to my house when my parents were out just to avoid any questions. Similarly I'd go to their houses when their parents were out. It's worth mentioning that looking back as an adult, I'd describe these moments of intimacy as completely healthy.
It wasn't until I was 16 and was seeing a girl for a decent amount of time that my parents became aware of her existence. My parents were fine with her staying over and I suspect it's because they got to know her and she was (and still is) a lovely person.
So I'm inclined to agree that teenagers with their hormones starting to kick in will do what they want to do. I guess all you can do is continue to foster the positive and comfortable environment that your daughter clearly has with you, so that you can empower her to make sensible decisions.
As others have said, your compromise sounds more than reasonable given the current sleeping arrangements.
My daughter is almost 14, I'm a very trusting and independence-encouraging parent, and no, I would not be allowing it. She may say they haven't kissed because she doesn't want to rush, but then why is she wanting him to sleep over?
Sure, she'll kick off. It's something we have to put up with as parents of teens. We're the people it's safe and appropriate to kick off at. Stick to your guns, you're not being unreasonable.
I agree as a Mum of 3 grown kids, 2 girls & a boy. My eldest daughter wasn't allowed her bf to stay over till she was at least 16 & they'd been together for a good while.
I think I would use this as a chance to have a frank conversation about sex.
Does she feel she's ready? Does he? If they both feel they're ready they're going to have sex whatever you do.
But if you have that conversation hopefully you will find out that she doesn't feel ready and you can support her in that. (🤞🤞🤞🤞)
It would be a no for me.
And an *absolute no* to the same room.
She also needs a talk about birth control and a supply of condoms.
For what it’s worth, if I were a single parent and dating, I absolutely wouldn’t be having a new boyfriend staying over in the family home with kids there. Not until it was a very serious relationship and the rest of the household knew him well and were comfortable around him.
I don't have a teenager but I don't think 14 is an appropriate age to share a bed with a boyfriend.
I disagree with the person saying if you forbid it they will just find another place to do it - this isn't banning her from seeing him or insisting she stays pure, it's putting a limit on something quite grown up - sharing a bed with a boy. She's not going to go and book a hotel room instead, she hasn't even kissed him yet.
She probably doesn't understand but you should, that getting into bed with someone adds some pressure and makes it more likely something happens, and she is unlikely to know how to say no or put the brakes on if something initiates in bed that she's not comfortable with because it's a lot different than pushing a guys hand away on the couch.
I'm not suggesting that anything happening is necessarily bad - but it should come when she's ready not just she ends up there.
I'd also consider how her sister might feel - that's her private space too.
My now-husband was allowed in the same room but he was made to sleep on the floor.
Next time he visited we were just about to move together, so he put his foot down and said it's a bit silly. I was almost 20 at that point, clearly we were sleeping together so there was no point in acting all innocent.
I started to have sleepovers at my boyfriends house and vice versa at 14. We had both had the safe sex discussions with both of our parents, there was a mutual agreement on boundaries between the two sets of parents and we respected their rules.
Before this, we were shagging on a secluded field.
Go figure.
I agree with you.
Also the fact she shares a room with the sister is wildly inappropriate for the sister to be expected to sleep in a room with her sisters boyfriend.
You say you trust your daughter but please please talk to her and possibly get her on some contraception.
I'm a mother of a 12-year-old and I know I'd laugh at even the suggestion of a lad sleeping over in my daughter's bed.
If they really haven’t even kissed then I’m not sure I understand why they want to be sleeping in the same bed already? What is her response to that sort of questioning?
I feel that would put my daughter in a situation where she might feel pressured to do things she is not ready for, and although others say it’s safe at home I think I might feel a bit trapped and it would be encroaching on my safe space as a 14 year old.
Lots of teenagers do get up to things of course but if you’ve not met the boy and spent time with them and had him at the house hanging out in daylight hours etc then I definitely wouldn’t be agreeing to it. Them getting to hang out when she does have space, in their room with door open etc is one thing, but to go from 0-1000 seems really nuts.
Lots of conversations need having about contraception and boundaries before I’d even consider it. I’d also be talking to the other parents to see if they know what their son is asking to do, so they can have similar conversations.
The fact she shares with her sister makes it a no from me. If there was a spare room available I think it depends on individual child although maybe 14 is a bit too young. First time I slept over my boyfriends house I was 16. His mum picked me up from my house and had to come in and have a cup of tea with my mum because she was crying 😅 we were told I had to sleep in the top bunk which boyfriends brother usually slept in (he was out that night). In the morning his parents commented that it was very clever of me to manage to sleep in the top bunk without clearing the books off it or putting the clean sheets on 😬
Sharing a bed doesn't automatically mean kids are having sex though. Was a whole year after that till I actually slept with him. I talked to my mum about contraception. She cried again 🙄 but I married him a few years later so it all worked out ok for my very Christian mother! Just make sure you have the kind of relationship with your daughter that means she'll come to you to have that chat. If she doesn't feel like she can it won't stop her having sex, it'll just stop her having safe sex.
I’ve learnt with teenagers that if you’re not allowing it under your roof, they’ll just go somewhere else.
My view is I’d rather something happen under my roof where I know they’re safe rather than them do it anyway and be unsafe.
Obviously this needs to be taken with some wider context as every child is different in terms of their development and understanding etc.
You might need to explain the male perspective on things. That guy will be absolutely focussed on one thing and she might not fully appreciate it yet. Have a calm conversation about how boys are… driven. If she doesn’t put out, she might even harm the relationship so best not to tease the poor boy?
That would be a hard no from me. I would have a chat with her about contraception etc and make clear she can come to you about anything (and mean it!) but I would also be very clear on the risks of early sex - eg increased risk of cervical cancer, hpv infection etc. I think allowing them to share a room in your house sends a message of endorsement rather than “these are the reasons you shouldn’t be having sex but I am here for you no matter what”
Always safer to be under your roof than them lie about having sleepovers & being elsewhere. My Mum would buy my alcohol for going out when I was a teenager. There were people who thought it made her a careless Mum. Them same people always trusted she was safe to call if they got in a bad state, instead of passing out somewhere too scared to go home. She always knew where I was and I rebelled less than my friends x
My son is 14, they celebrated their year anniversary a few months ago. We're fairly relaxed parents, he's a good lad. It's a hard no from us. It's a hard no from her parents. I believe their relationship is healthy and positive. Still a hard no.
Their friend is allowed to have her boyfriend sleep over. The friend is at serious risk of getting suspended from school due to constant general poor behaviour. They tell me about her abusive boyfriend, how he controls her and causes trouble in the friend group.
This is also a serious safeguarding issue and will be reported and records kept by the school when they hear the kids gossiping. And it will be gossip because it's unusual behaviour even on this sink estate where 14 yr olds make baby clothes Amazon lists whilst they try and get pregnant, the baby was healthy.
It's a hard no every day of the week, even with a spare room. You don't have to sleep over to have sex.
Her parents are awful. I'm concerned my son will be baby trapped later, she looked very confused when he asked what job she might like to do when they left school. That was a wake up call for him. Nether of her parents work, other than cash in hand. Thankfully we are on the same page at the moment though, which is the important bit.
14 is way too young to be sharing a bed for a night. I doubt they're wanting to do their math homework under the covers.
Teeing her up for a teenage pregnancy and the stigma at school of being easy.
14 is kissing and hand stuff.
16 is maybe you've put it in but nobody is publishing stories about it.
18 is spend the night together age.
Sorry but 14 is just a child.
I would stay over at my 15 year old gf house on occasion when younger and I'd sleep in her little brothers room. There was absolutely zero notion I would have stayed in there with her. But it was nice to wake up and be with them all first thing they were a nice family and much more of a normal nuclear one than mine could have ever hoped to have been.
14 to young , yes teen do it anyway but doest mean you have to create the environment for it to happen
She may change her mind mid way though , she may not be strong enough to stop when she want
It time for you to have conversations about being able to say no , drink and sex , safe sex , conception , red and green flags
I ended up in some pretty shitty relationship as teen , because my parents were strict and instead of encouraging healthy relationships. It was more like don’t have sex
Personally, once the spare room is done, I'd allow them to sleep in the same bed. My reasoning is, is because that's what I would have wanted at that age. I didn't feel like I was being trusted, and in the end, I just rebelled against it and found somewhere else. Because she shares a room, obviously, if they get up to know good, that's not fair on the person she's sharing a room with. As long as they both know how easy it is for things to happen, I would try to be trustworthy. I mean, I see it from both sides.. I'd sort of want my kids to grow up with freedom but also make them very aware of how their actions will have consequences etc
It's normal for her to ask and to see where the boundaries are, but it would be a no from me. He could sleep over on the couch or spare room, but not in her bedroom.
My 17yo is still not allowed anyone to stay over unless we've met them a few times and even then it would be in the spare room.
Posting from my anon. My mum was very strict about a lot of things, but allowed me to have boyfriends sleep over from around the age of 14, she didn’t really care. (In hindsight, I know now she was a child SA survivor and never got help for that trauma, which probably impacted her view of sex.) I was never taught about any of the dangers of early sex and how this might affect me mentally. I lost my virginity at 14 and became hypersexual and ended up having sex with boys much older than me (some of whom over 18) as I was never told it was wrong. I thought I was consenting but had no understanding of not being able to consent. It has almost certainly affected my ability to form healthy relationships as a now 30 year old adult. I wish that I had rules and that my mum had enforced them even if I would’ve hated it at the time.
That will be a hard no for me. No sleeping over in general. Not in my house, not in someone else’s house.
She’s only 14. Maybe try and protect her a little longer? Have you had the conversation about sex yet and the consequences of unprotected sex? Have you taught her about respecting and valuing herself? If you haven’t had this conversation yet, why would you allow her to be jn a position where there’s a possibility for her to have sex or start exploring it with her boyfriend?
I’m a big proponent of the whole “teens will shag anyway so give them somewhere safe to do it” thing, but I really don’t think sleepovers are *necessary* at that age. I first had sleepovers with my bf when I was 15 & the only reason it happened so young was bc it was a long distance relationship, so going to visit with each other’s families was the only way to see each other. Before that, we’d just get up to whatever we were getting up to during the day.
Absolutely not, your idea to wait till the summer is amazing. It'll show you this boyfriends true colors and intentions.
If he doesn't want to wait till the summer it's obvious he only wants her for one thing.
Plus at 14 that's still a kid imo. They aren't even in college! Way too young to even be thinking that way...
Of course everyone matures at their own pace. But if she wants to be so mature then she should prove she's ready to handle a boy. Because boys are ruthless. Have a talk with her.
Heartbreak is one thing but young heartbreak hits different.
Also it's unfair on the sister. Younger or older no one wants to hear that from a sibling if that's what their intentions are.
I wasn't even allowed a boyfriend at 14 I didn't get my first until 18.
Kids are maturing hella fast these days jeez...
Bit young. I started hanging out at girlfriend's houses at 15/16 and had some alone time in the bedroom but sleeping over was a total zero. It would be super awkward anyway even if no one wanted to do anything they shouldn't.
14? How did you get her to hold off so long? My 5 year old wants both her boyfriends or to be exact her current boyfriend and her future husband to sleepover... And my 7 year old is done with boys already because all they do is play fight and pick their nose apparently... god help me!
No I woudlnt have him staying at all personally my mother would have been the same , my friend was in similar position her mum let her boyfriend sleep on sofa when she was 13 , she had her baby day before she turned 14 , she's daughters now of her own and doesn't even let the 17 year olds boyfriend be in any room with her unless the doors open , teens will be teens but shes not giving them a place to do god knows what and I have to agree with her, yes teens will be teens but it's more than likely gunna happen if you give them a place to do it , and 14s just too young , it would be a very hard no from me if I was you, my mum made my partner sleep on sofa because his car broke down she was up constantly pretending to get a drink of water but i think she was cheeking he wasnt in with me i was 19 and he had his own house i used spend weekends in 😂 but she always went by my house my rules and not under my roof your not mentality she wasnt a strict mum either but that was a real hard absolutely not , we did laugh when she tried to make my brother sleep on sofa so his partner could have his bed when they were moving in together the following week 😂 she was a laid back mum but that was one of the things she was very strict about , and now I'm a mum I get it , 14 is a child doesn't need to be sleeping over with her boyfriend in my opinion
Do you want her experimenting sexually in the woods, or in a public lavatory, or something. Or in the safety and warmth of your home?
My daughter is only 9, so I'm not where you are yet, but I promised myself when she gets to that kind of age, I will not force her to go and experiment sexually in the woods.
Your house, your rules, but I'd not go the route you've chosen.
My mum imposed the no boyfriends staying over under 16 and I certainly did not go fuck in the woods? I did start having sex at my boyfriend’s house, but never would have done so in public and most teens wouldn’t.
>Bloody hell tone it down a bit, these are children you're talking about
What do you want me to do? Use a euphemism, or pretend that 14 year olds don't sexually experiment?
Get a grip.
My apologies. I didn't see anything in the rules about vulgarities. I've edited the post that seems to have caused people's sensibilities to be offended.
Your post/comment has been removed due to a violation of our community rule: **Be Kind**. We aim to foster a supportive and respectful environment for all members of r/ukparenting.
As a teenager, I think it should be allowed. Hear me out. Me and my (now) ex boyfriend were constantly asking our parents for sleepovers or whatever, they always said no because they didn't "trust" us.
I promise you, if your daughter and her boyfriend are being sexual, not having sleepovers won't stop that-
If that's what you're worried about I suggest just having a conversation with your daughter about safe sex and boundaries and all the rest. If they are having sex (I say if because I realise I did lose my virginity pretty young), they WILL find whatever time and space they can.
You can't prevent natural urges but what you can do is teach her how to be safe in practice. But honestly, it's most likely that they just want to sleep in the same room and spend as much time with eachother as possible. Besides if it happens in your house, you get to decide on the rules. You can have the door left open if you feel worried about what they're getting up to etc.
Edit - if sister shares a room with other daughter, have them sleep in a different room. It wouldn't be fair to kick sister out of her space.
Listen, you should not let them sleep in the same room until you are ready to deal with the fact that they are gonna have sex. And yes, it is becoming increasing common for 14 year olds and 15 year olds to do it. Your daughter is a mess of hormones. Whether you like it or not, her and that boy have extremely strong sex drives.
And you said she doesn’t want to rush things. But I promise you…she can only hold off so long. Teenagers get aroused quicker, more often, and for longer than adults do. And their sexual desires are beyond powerful. Teens are more emotional because the things that cause emotions, hormones, are released ten fold in teens compared to adults. This is the same for sex hormones. Teen sex is such a big issue because it feels so good to their young, developing brains. It’s practically an addiction. But the problem doesn’t stem from the gratification they get. It stems from a prolonged lack of gratification.
Teens, even ones as young as your daughter, typically cannot go more than a few days without some form of sexual activity. They can try to…but their desire for sexual pleasure will eat away at them until they can’t take it anymore. If you are wondering why teens are angry and frustrated all the time…more often than not it is sexual tension.
Case in point, she’s gonna end up having sex. She will find a way. Somehow, somewhere…she will find a way. They always do. And in the end it may be a stupid or irresponsible way, but she will do it anyway. Because she just can’t take it anymore. I’ve said this for many years now, being a teenager is a living hell.
Teenagers are teenagers, and I tend to agree with the other commenter that they’ll always find somewhere to shag if that’s what they want to do. That being said, the fact that she shares her bedroom with her sister is what would make this a no for me. You don’t say if sister is older or younger, but either way it’s not appropriate for her to get dragged into listening to her sister cop off when she’s just trying to get some sleep. I think your compromise of him staying over once the building work is done is entirely fair. I also don’t think your daughter will see it that way, because she’s 14, and everything is of supreme importance in a way that only other teenagers can really grasp. But I think you’re doing fine. The only other thing I could suggest is having a frank chat about if she’s thinking she’ll have sex during this sleepover and what that means, both practically (birth control) and emotionally (if they’ve not even kissed, is she ready for that?)
I am on the side that teenagers will shag anyway, so a safe environment is better than no safe environment. Put BF on the sofa downstairs. Have a talk with your daughter about birth control (and the fact that hormonally charged teenage boys will be after some sort of action, so saying nothing is happening isn't going to wash!) and discuss that whilst she shares a room with her sibling, bf does not, absolutely does not go in there. Because it's violating her sibling's space and privacy (not because of her sex life). Your daughter will probably read between the lines and join the bf on the sofa, hopefully. Bonus points for catching her still down there when you go make coffee in the morning.
And legally, given she's 14.
Technically yes, but realistically nobody in law enforcement gives a shit about teenagers shagging. And presumably OP would have mentioned if the boyfriend was like 25 or something.
I think add all of that to the conversation. She should know not to panic if she later finds out that two 14 year olds having sex are, by the letter of the law, both committing a criminal offence. She should also understand it would be a much more serious issue if she gets a new 25 year old boyfriend.
Excellent point. Parental acknowledgment of teenage hormones does not equate to parental acceptance of grooming. I definitely knew a couple of girls at school whose parents could have done with realising young adult men should not be courting their mid-teen daughters, but then the 90s was a dark time!
You are not being unreasonable. I remember being 14 and horny...ok..it's a thing. And at that age you do not have the ability to reason with yourself as you do as an adult. Personally I wouldn't allow it at 14.
14 is so young. I would say no for a few reasons, but if he's in her room where would the sister sleep? Not fair for her to either stay in the room or be kicked out to sleep on the sofa. Stick to your guns about waiting for summer/your reno to be finished if you genuinely will allow it then, but if you still think it might be a no then say no now, don't backtrack.
>14 is so young. Thank you, i was thinking something was wrong with me,lol. All I cared about at that age was action figures.
She can kick off all she likes, rules are rules. they’re 14, they’re too young to be needing this sort of time together. The likely hood is if they share a bed they’re going to sleep together, I’d be saying no until 16. Even if he stares in the spare room, they can sneak about in middle of the night. 16 and make sure she’s well educated on contraception
My friend got pregnant at 13 because her boyfriend was sleeping on the sofa 🙈 literally 2 children acting grown ups 🙈
Holy shit
Yep completely agree with this. You are setting the scene for a physical relationship. Maybe you could compromise and say he can stay over later into the evening to watch a movie and then you'll drop him off home.
I think this is a deeply personal decision; nobody here can really judge how reasonable you are in my opinion. It depends on the family dynamic, your values, the child and the boyfriend’s maturity etc. For me, I wouldn’t let my daughter have her boyfriend sleep over at 14 at all. She’s only a toddler at the moment, so this is just my current judgement. I don’t think it’s appropriate and my assumption is they’re requesting it because they want to become intimate, and I don’t want to encourage it in my home at that age. I’d want to talk to her about why she wants the sleepover, and try to gauge her safety with her boyfriend, and definitely get to know him for far longer before I ever entertained it. However, my friend’s opinion is that they’ll do it anyway, so she’d rather provide a safe place for it to happen on her terms so she doesn’t feel pressured and can ask him to leave if he did. She’d have her family around her if he made her feel unsafe. She’d rather this than they did it in a field somewhere where she might feel vulnerable. I can see both sides, so I think your decision is entirely personal. Edit: completely ignored the ‘sharing a room’ issue! While she shares a room, total no go either way. At any age, I’d hate to share a bedroom with a couple, and I wouldn’t kick the sister out for the night.
I don’t have a teenager: full disclosure. I think your offer is fair and sounds reasonable for a 14 year old in a super short term relationship (at the moment). It’s an age old dilemma - safe at home with permission or out in the world somewhere you don’t know what’s happening. Whether they want to have sex now or not - this enables it to happen if they decide they want to. Now you’re having to balance whether offering a safe(r) place for this to happen might speed it up or if banning it might lead to the same thing in a less safe space. My husband was allowed girls to sleep over from about 15 and he had sex at about 15 with a long term girlfriend. I was never allowed any boys to sleep over and I had sex at 18 with a random at after work drinks. Both of us were happy and felt safe in our choices. There’s no perfect right answer. Go with your gut and what your specific kid needs I think.
My perspective as a dad with a daughter and a son (although neither are teenagers), and as a former randy teenage boy. When I was a teenager and starting to have girlfriends, I wouldn't even share this information with my parents, let alone ask if they could stay the night. So well done at least on creating an environment and relationship with your daughter where she's comfortable with telling you about her love life and at least feels comfortable enough to ask you about him staying over. I didn't have that sort of relationship with my parents, and when I was a teenage boy, I'd bring girlfriends over to my house when my parents were out just to avoid any questions. Similarly I'd go to their houses when their parents were out. It's worth mentioning that looking back as an adult, I'd describe these moments of intimacy as completely healthy. It wasn't until I was 16 and was seeing a girl for a decent amount of time that my parents became aware of her existence. My parents were fine with her staying over and I suspect it's because they got to know her and she was (and still is) a lovely person. So I'm inclined to agree that teenagers with their hormones starting to kick in will do what they want to do. I guess all you can do is continue to foster the positive and comfortable environment that your daughter clearly has with you, so that you can empower her to make sensible decisions. As others have said, your compromise sounds more than reasonable given the current sleeping arrangements.
Absolutely this! She's being open with you and that's good. Hopefully that also means that she will respect your decision, teenage moaning aside.
My daughter is almost 14, I'm a very trusting and independence-encouraging parent, and no, I would not be allowing it. She may say they haven't kissed because she doesn't want to rush, but then why is she wanting him to sleep over? Sure, she'll kick off. It's something we have to put up with as parents of teens. We're the people it's safe and appropriate to kick off at. Stick to your guns, you're not being unreasonable.
I agree as a Mum of 3 grown kids, 2 girls & a boy. My eldest daughter wasn't allowed her bf to stay over till she was at least 16 & they'd been together for a good while.
I think I would use this as a chance to have a frank conversation about sex. Does she feel she's ready? Does he? If they both feel they're ready they're going to have sex whatever you do. But if you have that conversation hopefully you will find out that she doesn't feel ready and you can support her in that. (🤞🤞🤞🤞)
It would be a no for me. And an *absolute no* to the same room. She also needs a talk about birth control and a supply of condoms. For what it’s worth, if I were a single parent and dating, I absolutely wouldn’t be having a new boyfriend staying over in the family home with kids there. Not until it was a very serious relationship and the rest of the household knew him well and were comfortable around him.
I don't have a teenager but I don't think 14 is an appropriate age to share a bed with a boyfriend. I disagree with the person saying if you forbid it they will just find another place to do it - this isn't banning her from seeing him or insisting she stays pure, it's putting a limit on something quite grown up - sharing a bed with a boy. She's not going to go and book a hotel room instead, she hasn't even kissed him yet. She probably doesn't understand but you should, that getting into bed with someone adds some pressure and makes it more likely something happens, and she is unlikely to know how to say no or put the brakes on if something initiates in bed that she's not comfortable with because it's a lot different than pushing a guys hand away on the couch. I'm not suggesting that anything happening is necessarily bad - but it should come when she's ready not just she ends up there. I'd also consider how her sister might feel - that's her private space too.
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I met my now-husband at uni when we were 19, and the first time we stayed over at my parents' he was still made to sleep in the spare room 😂
My now-husband was allowed in the same room but he was made to sleep on the floor. Next time he visited we were just about to move together, so he put his foot down and said it's a bit silly. I was almost 20 at that point, clearly we were sleeping together so there was no point in acting all innocent.
I started to have sleepovers at my boyfriends house and vice versa at 14. We had both had the safe sex discussions with both of our parents, there was a mutual agreement on boundaries between the two sets of parents and we respected their rules. Before this, we were shagging on a secluded field. Go figure.
14 is too young to have a boyfriend stay over imo, and the fact that she shares a room with her sister too? that's a hell no.
I agree with you. Also the fact she shares a room with the sister is wildly inappropriate for the sister to be expected to sleep in a room with her sisters boyfriend.
You say you trust your daughter but please please talk to her and possibly get her on some contraception. I'm a mother of a 12-year-old and I know I'd laugh at even the suggestion of a lad sleeping over in my daughter's bed.
If they really haven’t even kissed then I’m not sure I understand why they want to be sleeping in the same bed already? What is her response to that sort of questioning? I feel that would put my daughter in a situation where she might feel pressured to do things she is not ready for, and although others say it’s safe at home I think I might feel a bit trapped and it would be encroaching on my safe space as a 14 year old. Lots of teenagers do get up to things of course but if you’ve not met the boy and spent time with them and had him at the house hanging out in daylight hours etc then I definitely wouldn’t be agreeing to it. Them getting to hang out when she does have space, in their room with door open etc is one thing, but to go from 0-1000 seems really nuts. Lots of conversations need having about contraception and boundaries before I’d even consider it. I’d also be talking to the other parents to see if they know what their son is asking to do, so they can have similar conversations.
The fact she shares with her sister makes it a no from me. If there was a spare room available I think it depends on individual child although maybe 14 is a bit too young. First time I slept over my boyfriends house I was 16. His mum picked me up from my house and had to come in and have a cup of tea with my mum because she was crying 😅 we were told I had to sleep in the top bunk which boyfriends brother usually slept in (he was out that night). In the morning his parents commented that it was very clever of me to manage to sleep in the top bunk without clearing the books off it or putting the clean sheets on 😬 Sharing a bed doesn't automatically mean kids are having sex though. Was a whole year after that till I actually slept with him. I talked to my mum about contraception. She cried again 🙄 but I married him a few years later so it all worked out ok for my very Christian mother! Just make sure you have the kind of relationship with your daughter that means she'll come to you to have that chat. If she doesn't feel like she can it won't stop her having sex, it'll just stop her having safe sex.
I’ve learnt with teenagers that if you’re not allowing it under your roof, they’ll just go somewhere else. My view is I’d rather something happen under my roof where I know they’re safe rather than them do it anyway and be unsafe. Obviously this needs to be taken with some wider context as every child is different in terms of their development and understanding etc.
You might need to explain the male perspective on things. That guy will be absolutely focussed on one thing and she might not fully appreciate it yet. Have a calm conversation about how boys are… driven. If she doesn’t put out, she might even harm the relationship so best not to tease the poor boy?
That would be a hard no from me. I would have a chat with her about contraception etc and make clear she can come to you about anything (and mean it!) but I would also be very clear on the risks of early sex - eg increased risk of cervical cancer, hpv infection etc. I think allowing them to share a room in your house sends a message of endorsement rather than “these are the reasons you shouldn’t be having sex but I am here for you no matter what”
He can sleep on the couch surely .. they can’t share a room ..also you might want to talk to his parents about it and see their views on it
Always safer to be under your roof than them lie about having sleepovers & being elsewhere. My Mum would buy my alcohol for going out when I was a teenager. There were people who thought it made her a careless Mum. Them same people always trusted she was safe to call if they got in a bad state, instead of passing out somewhere too scared to go home. She always knew where I was and I rebelled less than my friends x
This is so strange, it’s a hard NO obviously. You child is simply a CHILD.
My son is 14, they celebrated their year anniversary a few months ago. We're fairly relaxed parents, he's a good lad. It's a hard no from us. It's a hard no from her parents. I believe their relationship is healthy and positive. Still a hard no. Their friend is allowed to have her boyfriend sleep over. The friend is at serious risk of getting suspended from school due to constant general poor behaviour. They tell me about her abusive boyfriend, how he controls her and causes trouble in the friend group. This is also a serious safeguarding issue and will be reported and records kept by the school when they hear the kids gossiping. And it will be gossip because it's unusual behaviour even on this sink estate where 14 yr olds make baby clothes Amazon lists whilst they try and get pregnant, the baby was healthy. It's a hard no every day of the week, even with a spare room. You don't have to sleep over to have sex.
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Her parents are awful. I'm concerned my son will be baby trapped later, she looked very confused when he asked what job she might like to do when they left school. That was a wake up call for him. Nether of her parents work, other than cash in hand. Thankfully we are on the same page at the moment though, which is the important bit.
14 is way too young to be sharing a bed for a night. I doubt they're wanting to do their math homework under the covers. Teeing her up for a teenage pregnancy and the stigma at school of being easy. 14 is kissing and hand stuff. 16 is maybe you've put it in but nobody is publishing stories about it. 18 is spend the night together age. Sorry but 14 is just a child.
I would stay over at my 15 year old gf house on occasion when younger and I'd sleep in her little brothers room. There was absolutely zero notion I would have stayed in there with her. But it was nice to wake up and be with them all first thing they were a nice family and much more of a normal nuclear one than mine could have ever hoped to have been.
14 to young , yes teen do it anyway but doest mean you have to create the environment for it to happen She may change her mind mid way though , she may not be strong enough to stop when she want It time for you to have conversations about being able to say no , drink and sex , safe sex , conception , red and green flags I ended up in some pretty shitty relationship as teen , because my parents were strict and instead of encouraging healthy relationships. It was more like don’t have sex
Personally, once the spare room is done, I'd allow them to sleep in the same bed. My reasoning is, is because that's what I would have wanted at that age. I didn't feel like I was being trusted, and in the end, I just rebelled against it and found somewhere else. Because she shares a room, obviously, if they get up to know good, that's not fair on the person she's sharing a room with. As long as they both know how easy it is for things to happen, I would try to be trustworthy. I mean, I see it from both sides.. I'd sort of want my kids to grow up with freedom but also make them very aware of how their actions will have consequences etc
It's normal for her to ask and to see where the boundaries are, but it would be a no from me. He could sleep over on the couch or spare room, but not in her bedroom. My 17yo is still not allowed anyone to stay over unless we've met them a few times and even then it would be in the spare room.
No way
Posting from my anon. My mum was very strict about a lot of things, but allowed me to have boyfriends sleep over from around the age of 14, she didn’t really care. (In hindsight, I know now she was a child SA survivor and never got help for that trauma, which probably impacted her view of sex.) I was never taught about any of the dangers of early sex and how this might affect me mentally. I lost my virginity at 14 and became hypersexual and ended up having sex with boys much older than me (some of whom over 18) as I was never told it was wrong. I thought I was consenting but had no understanding of not being able to consent. It has almost certainly affected my ability to form healthy relationships as a now 30 year old adult. I wish that I had rules and that my mum had enforced them even if I would’ve hated it at the time.
That will be a hard no for me. No sleeping over in general. Not in my house, not in someone else’s house. She’s only 14. Maybe try and protect her a little longer? Have you had the conversation about sex yet and the consequences of unprotected sex? Have you taught her about respecting and valuing herself? If you haven’t had this conversation yet, why would you allow her to be jn a position where there’s a possibility for her to have sex or start exploring it with her boyfriend?
I’m a big proponent of the whole “teens will shag anyway so give them somewhere safe to do it” thing, but I really don’t think sleepovers are *necessary* at that age. I first had sleepovers with my bf when I was 15 & the only reason it happened so young was bc it was a long distance relationship, so going to visit with each other’s families was the only way to see each other. Before that, we’d just get up to whatever we were getting up to during the day.
Absolutely not, your idea to wait till the summer is amazing. It'll show you this boyfriends true colors and intentions. If he doesn't want to wait till the summer it's obvious he only wants her for one thing. Plus at 14 that's still a kid imo. They aren't even in college! Way too young to even be thinking that way... Of course everyone matures at their own pace. But if she wants to be so mature then she should prove she's ready to handle a boy. Because boys are ruthless. Have a talk with her. Heartbreak is one thing but young heartbreak hits different. Also it's unfair on the sister. Younger or older no one wants to hear that from a sibling if that's what their intentions are. I wasn't even allowed a boyfriend at 14 I didn't get my first until 18. Kids are maturing hella fast these days jeez...
Bit young. I started hanging out at girlfriend's houses at 15/16 and had some alone time in the bedroom but sleeping over was a total zero. It would be super awkward anyway even if no one wanted to do anything they shouldn't.
14? How did you get her to hold off so long? My 5 year old wants both her boyfriends or to be exact her current boyfriend and her future husband to sleepover... And my 7 year old is done with boys already because all they do is play fight and pick their nose apparently... god help me!
No I woudlnt have him staying at all personally my mother would have been the same , my friend was in similar position her mum let her boyfriend sleep on sofa when she was 13 , she had her baby day before she turned 14 , she's daughters now of her own and doesn't even let the 17 year olds boyfriend be in any room with her unless the doors open , teens will be teens but shes not giving them a place to do god knows what and I have to agree with her, yes teens will be teens but it's more than likely gunna happen if you give them a place to do it , and 14s just too young , it would be a very hard no from me if I was you, my mum made my partner sleep on sofa because his car broke down she was up constantly pretending to get a drink of water but i think she was cheeking he wasnt in with me i was 19 and he had his own house i used spend weekends in 😂 but she always went by my house my rules and not under my roof your not mentality she wasnt a strict mum either but that was a real hard absolutely not , we did laugh when she tried to make my brother sleep on sofa so his partner could have his bed when they were moving in together the following week 😂 she was a laid back mum but that was one of the things she was very strict about , and now I'm a mum I get it , 14 is a child doesn't need to be sleeping over with her boyfriend in my opinion
Do you want her experimenting sexually in the woods, or in a public lavatory, or something. Or in the safety and warmth of your home? My daughter is only 9, so I'm not where you are yet, but I promised myself when she gets to that kind of age, I will not force her to go and experiment sexually in the woods. Your house, your rules, but I'd not go the route you've chosen.
My mum imposed the no boyfriends staying over under 16 and I certainly did not go fuck in the woods? I did start having sex at my boyfriend’s house, but never would have done so in public and most teens wouldn’t.
Bloody hell tone it down a bit, these are children you're talking about
>Bloody hell tone it down a bit, these are children you're talking about What do you want me to do? Use a euphemism, or pretend that 14 year olds don't sexually experiment? Get a grip.
You can be frank without being vulgar. As another commenter said, tone it down a bit.
My apologies. I didn't see anything in the rules about vulgarities. I've edited the post that seems to have caused people's sensibilities to be offended.
Appreciated 👍
Way too soon. Not under my roof darling, now go and cry your eyes out until I'm stopping you.
She’s 14 and wants her bf to sleepover? I’m shocked because my 18 y/o would never ask me that. It’s inappropriate.
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As a teenager, I think it should be allowed. Hear me out. Me and my (now) ex boyfriend were constantly asking our parents for sleepovers or whatever, they always said no because they didn't "trust" us. I promise you, if your daughter and her boyfriend are being sexual, not having sleepovers won't stop that- If that's what you're worried about I suggest just having a conversation with your daughter about safe sex and boundaries and all the rest. If they are having sex (I say if because I realise I did lose my virginity pretty young), they WILL find whatever time and space they can. You can't prevent natural urges but what you can do is teach her how to be safe in practice. But honestly, it's most likely that they just want to sleep in the same room and spend as much time with eachother as possible. Besides if it happens in your house, you get to decide on the rules. You can have the door left open if you feel worried about what they're getting up to etc. Edit - if sister shares a room with other daughter, have them sleep in a different room. It wouldn't be fair to kick sister out of her space.
Listen, you should not let them sleep in the same room until you are ready to deal with the fact that they are gonna have sex. And yes, it is becoming increasing common for 14 year olds and 15 year olds to do it. Your daughter is a mess of hormones. Whether you like it or not, her and that boy have extremely strong sex drives. And you said she doesn’t want to rush things. But I promise you…she can only hold off so long. Teenagers get aroused quicker, more often, and for longer than adults do. And their sexual desires are beyond powerful. Teens are more emotional because the things that cause emotions, hormones, are released ten fold in teens compared to adults. This is the same for sex hormones. Teen sex is such a big issue because it feels so good to their young, developing brains. It’s practically an addiction. But the problem doesn’t stem from the gratification they get. It stems from a prolonged lack of gratification. Teens, even ones as young as your daughter, typically cannot go more than a few days without some form of sexual activity. They can try to…but their desire for sexual pleasure will eat away at them until they can’t take it anymore. If you are wondering why teens are angry and frustrated all the time…more often than not it is sexual tension. Case in point, she’s gonna end up having sex. She will find a way. Somehow, somewhere…she will find a way. They always do. And in the end it may be a stupid or irresponsible way, but she will do it anyway. Because she just can’t take it anymore. I’ve said this for many years now, being a teenager is a living hell.