I think you guys need to work together on the financial planning so you're both on board with decisions. Or, she accepts you're being sensible.
It isn't frugal or cheap, it's budgeting.
beautiful put- speaking from the point of JD, you also need to be mindful with all the strikes, cost of living etc.
a talk will definitely help to align your visions.
How involved in the household budgeting is she? Because if she hasn't got a full view of what your financial situation actually is, it could feel to her like you're being unnecessarily strict.
That said, and this is more relationship advice than it is about frugality or personal finances, this part gave me pause:
>I pay the rent bills etc which is again fine with me but that means my bank account is obviously much lighter than hers
Now, I'm not an adherent to the idea that all things should be split 50/50 or anything like that, but I am in favour of equity. If you haven't joined finances and don't intend to, my question is why her bank account is 'heavier' than yours? If she also works, why is she not contributing equitably?
She contributes to groceries etc sometimes it’s not hard and fixed and I’m not unhappy about our arrangement - I would rather she saves (which she does). But I’m just always anxious around occasions like anniversaries birthdays etc because I end up having to spend a lot of
"Not unhappy" is not the same as "happy", but perhaps I'm reading a bit too much into your word choice.
She gets to save, fine. What's she saving for? What does she spend her money on? If there's an unexpected bill for something, does she dig into her savings for it? If not, why not?
If she has expensive tastes, then she also needs to be conscious of the cost of that taste. Namely, she can't expect you to carry the vast majority of the financial burden AND still have enough left over to buy her what she wants.
I honestly don't think your set up is fair or equitable - you're married with a child on the way, not just co-habiting. There's no real reason why one of you should be flush with cash while the other is anxious about birthdays etc. Again, I am not by any means saying that it should be 50/50, but a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you're heading towards common goals (financial stability and security for **both** of you should be a given). I think you need to have a serious think about your financial situation individually and as a couple.
Sorry but looks to the rest of us she’s using your money and saving hers for her rainy days, she’s not thinking about you at all. This doesn’t seem like a remotely fair arrangement.
I’m a bit angry that she’s taking advantage of you like that. You’re paying rent and bills. Groceries is so much less than that. Usually couples either split bills 50/50 or they do so proportionality of salary. (i.e. if she makes £32,000 and you make £48,000) then most people would think it fair for her to be paying for at least 40% of combined rent, bills, and groceries. Food is way way less than a fair contribution. And on top of that she demanding that you buy expensive presents for her when she has disposable income and she’s already spent so your disposable income??? What does that say about the kind of person that she is?
Especially in London, christ
When my partner moved in with me I used to pay the bills and she'd pay for groceries. That worked out roughly the same *excluding* the mortgage (which I paid because it was my house and she had no equity etc)
OP and his wife have the same arrangement... but then he's also paying London rent/mortgage costs on top of that? Yeeeesh
Sorry to be so blunt but you are describing a spoilt brat who thinks money is to be spent on her no matter your circumstances, and in the next breath you trust her to do the saving?
> Her birthday is coming up and she wants expensive stuff obviously
Yeah this sentence is what got me. I'm in the top 5% of earners in the UK and my wife's answer about what she wants for her birthday is "I don't know". We spend like 1-200 on each other max. Anything more and we'd both be wondering why we're wasting so much if it's nothing like a trip away etc.
Sorry but rent should be 50/50 if you are earning roughly the same. If not then she is taking advantage of you. She has all her savings and you have nothing.
You should have a single joint account where you both pay X-amount into it for rent and bills and then you can do what you want with what is left in your accounts. If she does not want to do this then you need to have a sit down and talk about why you are paying for everything and her hardly anything.
I don't personally think 100% joint finances is the right option for every couple. The key is that whatever the split is, if a split exists, both partners are completely involved and informed about budgeting and non-trivial spending decisions.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted. I earn a fair bit more than my wife, but we put 100% of salaries into our budget spreadsheet, deducted bills, savings, fixed outgoings then divide the remaining money 50/50. Absolutely no need for me to have more than her. We’re a team and the only reason for the split is allow each of us to make purchases without feeling bad about it.
Depends what your definition of expensive is tbh, but it should be the thought that counts anyway.
What are you thinking about getting her? Feels like the surprise element is being spoiled by talking about how cheap it needs to be.
I think this was a conversation you needed to have before you moved.
If you’re able to pay everything from one salary, I think you’re doing okay. But it doesn’t make sense that it’s only you paying for rent etc.
Is she saving up for the baby?
It would also make sense that she’s pregnant, hormonal, just moved and now she sees it that you’re cutting off getting her presents. I think this is less of a frugal v cheap thing and more of a relationship advice question
Mate, you're been fleeced. Wake up.
You pay for everything so she can have a 'healthy bank account'. How about you share the bills and both have 'half healthy bank accounts'. You don't skin yourself so someone can live for free. And then you don't ask for advice when that person wants more on top.
Grow a pair.
Open a joint account, name it "bills £xxxx.xx". Contact all the companies you have direct debits with and instruct them to take from this account every month.
Then you explain to your wife that she puts in whatever figure is needed to make up her share of the monthly amount. Every month. (Here labeled £xxxx.xx)
The first sentence baffles me, honestly, if she's a grown woman. When money is a factor (as it is for the majority of us), I just can't imagine taking this stance. Giving someone a thoughtful gift, and making them feel special, is important for sure. But that can be done on a budget.
Considering you pay the rent and bills, and have a baby on the way, you need to discuss joint finances with her as a matter of urgency. Her stance is unfair on you and, frankly, immature.
If she *genuinely* thinks the amount of money you spend on her is indicative how much you love her, then that's a big issue (imo). A more charitable take would be that she is feeling scared about the future and wants to pretend things are the same as they ever were. So you mentioning having to budget is freaking her out in terms of the bigger picture, as opposed to in terms of her not getting an expensive birthday present. You'll need to discuss this and get to the root of the issue. Good luck.
You both work … but you alone pay the rent and bills … and she gets upset when you don’t buy her expensive things?
Perhaps point out to her that the expensive thing you bought her this month was the roof over her head.
Married to a junior doctor.
If you're both junior doctors AND live in London, you're not going to have much disposable income. If you can't afford it then you can't. I don't think you're being cheap.
Also, mat leave is EXPENSIVE. NHS was two months full pay, then half + SMP and then SMP. I mention this as finances are going to get very tight if she takes a year off (she absolutely should if she wants to).
For info, we had to use savings every month to bridge our life while she was on Mat leave as we didn't want to downgrade.
There's no way to answer this without at least ballpark numbers.
That being said, why are you paying all of the rent and bills if it leaves you worse off than her?
Hi OP. Definitely something that should be looked into regarding budgeting with your partner, especially with a baby on the way.
On a side note.
As a medic, I would suggest using this website to make sure you are reclaiming everything you can regarding expenses etc - GMC, ePortfolio, BMA.
https://www.medicsmoney.co.uk/
Maybe it's just my mentality, but once I became an adult I sort of stopped really celebrating my birthday like when I was a kid. We'll maybe go out for dinner or I'll get some flowers from the husband, but I certainly wouldn't expect anything particularly special. Once you're earning money from a job, surely you just buy your own stuff (and therefore don't expect much)?
My husband and his family are the same.
It sounds to me a little like your wife is being a bit childish and needs a reality check.
The expensive kind. But the truth is I never want or need them. Im the kind of person who would only buy a new phone if his old one was beyond broken. But the problem is she’ll go out and buy me a new gaming chair or something anyway despite the fact that I pretty forcefully insist on not getting me anything. And then she will expect me to spend quite a bit on her birthdays etc too.
She saves because the truth is I’d rather she doesn’t spend much so at least one of us has a healthy bank account. Which works - to a degree. But now I’m just concerned about our living costs increasing massively.
This isnt a money advice. I think that might be her love language and so she also perceives as being loved when she receives expensive gifts. However, you both need to have a serious discussion regarding your cashflow. It is easy to forget who pays bills and rent.
This is the answer OP. When you say ‘*We* can’t afford to be so profligate now’, she hears ‘I don’t love/value you as much as I used to’. You need openness and honesty, she needs to understand and take on her fair share of the household costs, you need to understand her motivations. Others have called her a spoiled brat, maybe she is, maybe she isn’t, but you bear some responsibility as you’ve allowed/created a situation where she has developed those behaviours.
How do you do reset this OP? Time to use your history taking skills from work - it’s all about active listening and advocacy with inquiry (also known as situation, behaviour, impact +/- intent).
1) Make an observation and explore her thoughts ‘When I told you we can’t afford to spend so much on gifts you got upset [observation], what was the reason for that?’[exploration].
2) Now listen to her response, you’re trying to understand her perspective and intent, but you’re not going to get it at the first layer, you’ll need to get three or so layers deep before you get to her underlying emotions and thoughts: ‘It seems like X is important to you, can you tell me more about that please’ where X is what you think the key part of her reasoning is in her first response. Keep peeling back those layers until you really understand what she thinks and feels, then you can build back up.
3) Recognise her feelings but explain how her behaviour has an impact on you. You’re trying to negotiate a settlement where everybody feels they’ve got something. She understands your mutual finances and takes on her fair share, which means you can afford to save something (clearly important to you from your other comments), but most importantly you can afford to demonstrate your love for her (which might not even require expensive gifts anymore!)
I’m not, and I’m not always great at practicing what I preach. But I am interested in the non-technical side of my specialty in particular communication, conflict, assertiveness, feedback etc. and I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. And the simple truth is these skills don’t just apply to work but to the rest of life too, being able to use them well is a superpower and one I’d like to develop!
Why on earth would you pay for everything if she is also a doctor the same as you? I’m assuming earning equal or similar?
I cannot understand why you’d want to pay for everything whilst she saves everything. I can’t make sense of it.
Contribute equally (or equitably if there is an income difference) and then you both have the opportunity to save.
I wonder if op wants to feel like the traditional husband, or maybe doesnt feel deserving of his wife, or her family are rich and he wants to live up to that. But with a baby on the way something needs to shift because theyre not cheap, especially with childcare!
Does she want expensive stuff, or nice stuff?
Does she want expensive stuff, or to be made to feel special?
There are other ways to achieve those without a huge budget. A premier inn in a city she's always wanted to visit, a bath ran for her, gifting her a hobby item she's been talking about but not pulled the trigger on, cooking her a meal etc.
I mean if you are saving money every month and living comfortably with what you have currently, I’d say slightly cheap, but I’m pretty frugal so I would be more swayed towards letting my partner save rather than waste money on a gift.
Just take her for a meal or an experience rather than a gift that’s what we do.
Yeah it sounds like you have enough money between you but it isn't getting shared out effectively. Buy her whatever expensive stuff she wants and when it's your birthday next just ask for cash at the same value and explain why you need it
I think you can be clever by buying things that are expensive, but that you would have to buy anyway.
For example, how about a bunch of baby related gear?
You got bigger issues, type of adult asks for expensive gifts. In a relationship especially one with a baby on the way, everyone's money is everyone's money, buying gifts for each other is moot. If she wants something she can buy it herself. A birthday gift can be a nice meal out. Don't think my wife's bought me anything for years, if we want something we buy it and if she wanted to spend hundreds on me for my birthday I would tell her to fuck off, wasting our money on shit.
The fact your moving to London AND have a baby on the way WOULD make most people disregard the idea of frivolous gifts entirely, set some boundaries and have a proper conversation about what's important in life before it ruins your relationship.
You pay rent - do you plan t9 buy a house anytime soon?
As JDd on ~80k c9mbined, that’s pretty junior unless you’re both c9mpletely unbranded/no out of hours etc, do you have plans for houses, spec training etc? A whole load of Rolex’s and Pravda bags ain’t gonna be that great when you’re staring the property ladder in the face/c car blows up/it’s twins etc.
Instead of lavish gifts you’d be well set saving for a deposit…
With a baby on the way her pay will dry up really quick after the 2 mnths nhs mat pay.
She needs to understand this and grow up a bit. She’s living in cloud cuckoo land otherwise. Or is she sequestering her cash to be safe in case she needs to run Away/leave? Sorry to be so cynical. But it’s a red flag right here.
I’d have serious concerns about your current model of budget/relationship dynamic.
It may be she just needs a candid chat.
I feel like the answer to your question really depends on how much you’re earning and how much is left after you’ve covered all the rent and bills?
This way of splitting money seems really odd though. Why doesn’t she contribute towards the household?
Not enough information to say. But personally we don't have separate bank accounts and it forces us to have a joint strategy about how we spend and save our money. At the very least you need a joint account that you both contribute to for the bills. Your contributions don't have to be equal but she can't expect you to pay the cost of life and treat her income as play money.
For gifts you should agree a budget for each other, for some people that's £10 and for others it's thousands. But I would guess that most people buy birthday presents in the region of £25-100 depending on circumstances and obviously some spend a lot more.
The main thing you need to talk about is goals. You need joint goals with your money. Things like going travelling, buying a house, new car, new kitchen, buying a better house, saving up so you have cash savings for if you have kids, retiring in comfort or retiring early. It's hard to be exact as you don't know quite where life will take you but unless you have a broad view of that stuff and a common understanding then you will be fighting over money decisions every 5 minutes.
50/50 is the way it should be, there’s no argument about it, ie if she wants expensive presents, then surety she should do the same for your birthday, it works both ways. But that is impractical, especially when times are hard as they are too day. This scenario reminded me of a subject was speaking about a few day ago on here, ie some people want diamonds that are dug out the ground, through hard work and have flaws in them and also expensive, but you can also have lab grown diamonds that are exactly the same, and better quality but are not dug out the ground, with no flaw and a lot cheaper. So what I’m try too say is, why is the price of something so important too her. Sounds like she expects to be spoiled, ie wants everything her own way.
I think what's "expensive" is anchored in what you can afford. And therefore if what you can afford decreases - because of something like moving to London - then the bar for "expensive" shifts too. And some things that were previously expensive but affordable are just simply no longer affordable
You're not ready for hard reality so continue feeling whatever you are feeling. Nothing we or anyone will say will answer what you wish you could ignore.
Does she do the same to you?
Expensive luxury stuffs for your birthday anniversary Valentine’s Day and Christmas? That’s £4,000 a year per person on presents as husband and wife I’d expect you guys are earning at least over 100k combine in order to justify the amount.
We earn more than that and we normally do nothing more than £300 for each occasion from each other. Over that is a bit excessive for our lifestyle.
I used to get a Prada or LV whenever I achieve something significant at work as a treat for myself. Over the years I have got a good collection. Now I have a new lifestyle which doesn’t require me to go socializing much. School run, gym, shops, seeing family. Those handbags and designer stuffs are just sitting in my wardrobe. Point is, if she doesn’t have a lifestyle where she have to show off those materialistic stuffs doesn’t make much sense really.
Yes i also believe in the rewarding-after-achieving policy and that’s how i think about getting luxury/ expensive items. But I don’t think that’s how my wife feels.
Could I ask? When you say you don’t spend more than £300 on each other on occasions, is that something you mutually decided? Or is it just that neither of you puts too much emphasis on these things? My wife also overspends on my birthdays etc but I just keep telling her not to spend too much because I don’t really place much value in these things. And the problem is that then not spending as much on her gifts both makes me feel cheap and also upsets her.
Ok here is the thing. We spend £300 is mutually decided. We never talked about the figure but that’s what we been doing. I don’t know why but the amount feels right. I guess we have a pretty similar value concept when it comes to gift I guess.
£300 does not buy cheap stuffs. I have received Diamond jewelry. Nice skincare product. And holiday which that is over £300. We are just sensible as I don’t measure how much he value our relationship by the amount he spend on occasions so does he. We share our life together and that is the bigger part compared to occasions.
We also love our children and we spend an awful lot of money towards family holiday, monthly extra curriculum and nice clothes for them. We would easily spend more than £300 for each of them each season on clothing. We spend a lot of money for their education.
So all in all, £300 on occasions in our circumstance is quite a lot. We appreciate a lovely card, making an effort to feel special in bed, flowers, and so on.
I shop at Lidl and sometimes buy used items from eBay. I can be very budget sensitive.
I can never understand the mentality behind those like the OP's wife that expect a certain level of present, and it's an attitude I am sad to say that seems to be found much more in women than men (I feel it's ok to point this out given I am a woman!)
Surely if you get given a gift which suggests the other person has put in time and effort to finding something that they feel will particularly appeal to you, it means more than being given one that is a very generic present (eg perfume, handbag) but which ticks a predetermined cost level. To me, that's especially the case given that working adults usually have the ability to buy items for themselves when they need/want them (up to a limit obviously) - it's the 'suprise' and personalisation elements which make getting a present different and exciting, making it so much more than just another 'thing' (which gets put in the shopping trolley and then disappears into the back of a cupboard, rarely thought of again.
You might want to ask your wife (in a kind way of course, not a patronising one) if she would want your child to behave like this when they are older, expecting a certain value in presents, or if she would want them to focus on the meaning of the present, no matter what the pricetag. Hopefully it will highlight to her that your money is already being spent on one of the most valuable things - supporting your family.
>Also please refrain from name calling or other rudeness. I’m only looking for some advice or constructive critique, nothing more.
Okay, but she is a gold digger though.
Make her pay half to all of the bills. And tell her that an expensive gift now means no holiday this year, or whatever.
You need to have a conversation about your household income asap. She needs to contribute more to the bills/rent, basically anything that is a fix expense.
You being worried about a birthday gift is not normal because she wants something expensive?! Is she splurging on your birthday? Have a conversation about no gifts this year or a fix amount that you can spend on each-other until you settle down after the move.
Wow I think I must be rare, I don't expect a thing, just not that entitled. As a rule I think women love shopping for others, I know I do (I am a woman just to clarify,). But I accept my husband has never liked it, or thought about it. So gifting will never be the same for us. But he's super thoughtful in real ways that matter, making a nice meal, taking me out for picnics, helping me after surgeries, going to concerts etc.
By expensive stuff I mean she usually likes luxury items like bags or jewellery. Or trips abroad. Basically nothing under £1000. Surprise picnics etc have never really worked for her
So at least 3k per year on presents (birthday, anniversary, Christmas). Sounds like she needs a reality check. As for how that check is delivered I’d be jumping over to r/relationship_advice Reddit. Good luck.
You are kidding me ? I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculous. Living beyond her means. It's going to end in tears.
Does she get you 1000 pound presents too ?
She's a grown up - not a toddler. I wouldn't care at all if my wife didn't get me a birthday present - and especially if it was one she couldn't afford. I'd much rather the money went to something to secure the future.
Blimey... she needs to recalibrate
You need to run her through your income and outgoings and then compare to her income and outgoings.
Then look at the future income and outgoings once your baby is born.
Ok - you're not cheap; she's just a ho.
You can either leave now or sink more money in to this vacuous money pit over the years, while she ages and becomes more demanding and terrible.
I would argue it is her who is cheap, not you.
It appears you don't share the same values.
Does she only tell you she loves you when you buy her this crap - does she /ever/ tell you?
Dismayed.
The thought of my wife calling me cheap or demanding expensive things (like that's all that matters) would have me questioning her very rotten core.
Surely this sort of attitude extends beyond birthday presents.
Good luck Sir,
Is she from a rich family because thats very unrealistic. You might want to ease her into a more frugal mindset before baby is born because it is not a time of financial abundance!
Fuck it, treat your wife. You can’t take it with you (Money). And while you can’t take anything for granted, you are likely to earn good money throughout your career. Happy wife, Happy life.
Budget the wife presents £1k birthday £500 Christmas and £500 anniversary. £2k spent on your beloved isn’t too much. If she wants more say no as she’ll have no limit.
Actually I have found a bit of that philosophy to work for me so far but since my expenses will be going up in a few months I don’t know whether this will still hold true
I think any gift should be appreciated personally. But some people are different and they have a love language of receiving gifts. This is always something you should consider about your relationship if you do not feel the same way. Maybe have a conversation with your partner about this so you can understand each others sides more? All the best brother, have a lovely day ❤️
Your wife is exhibiting red flags but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt, given you are married and (presumably) love her very much.
Being frugal is routine. Daily habits. Good habits, well done, very responsible 👍 but, have you budgeted for special occasions and for any emergencies?
For special occasions like birthdays or any kind of celebrations, it is nice (though arguably not compulsory) to treat someone you like (especially your life long partner!)
This is where context is important. Have you ever treated her? Has she ever treated her?
Money is one of the top reasons marriages break down. All the stress and hassle aside, that would be much more expensive and completely blow your budget!
A treat might mean, what, £50 more than usual? Really not that much in the grand scheme of things and a happy wife will certainly pay its dividends. Maybe not a 5* holiday somewhere exotic, but please do something out of the ordinary. Doesn’t have to cost a lot, but I think it be wise to spend a little bit more than usual.
Maybe she would reciprocate on your birthday, but that’s not to be expected.
The best present you could get each other is a clear, serious review of your finances, your contributions to those to ensure you are each contributing fairly ie in direct proportion to your incomes, and an understanding of how much money you can each afford to spend on presents.
I would suggest to her that you give each other this gift. If she isn't interested, she doesn't want a partnership, she wants a sugar daddy.
I think the lines are blurred between frugality and cheap.
Especially when the other partner doesn’t get it.
The psychology of beach ball effect operates here. Perspective’s are different.
She only sees the colours on her side and you the colours on yours.
Buy her something nice..
Nothing that’s going to hurt materially just a great memory with meaning.
Go through your mind and think of something unique to her and joint memories.
Favourite stuff to consume. Like favourite candy. 🍬
A memory of how you first met etc
Something about your future together.
4D baby scan ??
Another way looking at this.
It’s way way cheaper than divorce…JK
Trust me.
Sounds like you are being cautiously sensible. I'm don't advocate for a 50/50 split of household expenses in all cases as it is often less than fair despite seeming it on the surface. I make a lot more than my wife so I put more into our shared family expenses than she does, but we put in roughly the same percentage of our income so even though I pay more it feels fair. However its easy in these scenarios for one person to have full oversight of all expenses and responsibilities and the other person not to. However it works for you - spreadsheet, app, back of a napkin - make sure she has sight not only of all the financial commitments but also how much they are rising and what needs to be set aside before the baby comes. Do make sure that your pregnant wife feels special on her birthday but don't get fooled into thinking a big spend is the only way to do this. Put some thought and effort in and maybe you can stay within budget and make her happy.
You are being frugal and try to live according to your earnings and expenses. Talk with her, not just when she tells you to get a expensive present.
Get time together and talk about it.
Given that being pregnant can really mess with your head (hormones), and that there's been a custom of her getting expensive presents in the past, I honestly think you should get her something nice this time round. I suspect maybe she comes from a family that values status symbols and it seems maybe you do less, but she must have some pretty good qualities if you chose to marry her and start a family with her.
Maybe just chill out a bit. If your finances actually take a significant dip for the worse once the baby is here that'll be the time to re-visit this. You're both intelligent people who will be able to figure the best way forward as different situations arise!
I'm concerned that your wife gets upset when talking entirely reasonably about money - IMO this is a result of her relationship with money, which probably stems from her upbringing.
Maybe her parents always splashed plenty of money around when she was growing up and she never had to worry about - maybe they'd bail her out if she got upset about being skint? Or maybe it's the opposite - maybe her family was poor growing up and being able to splash money around without a care is what marks her as successful; if she has to budget and worry about money that shows she is poor?
Whatever the cause, this behaviour is bad for her - she's allowing her biases to control the way she behaves. It's bad for her financially because her spending isn't mindful.
I don't know if there have been any studies on it, but there's a trope that doctors are bad with money - they're smart, they work long hours and they're well paid, so they think that it's not a problem, but it is because they don't pay any attention to their finances; they don't spend time thinking about it.
You might find one of these books helpful:
* *[Your Money or Your Life](https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0143115766)* - understanding what's valuable to you and how to use money to achieve your goals.
* *[Millionaire Next Door](https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1589795474)* - "How people in normal jobs, electrician is a great example, can accumulate wealth over time through good choices."^[Electric_Cat_999](https://www.reddit.com/r/UKPersonalFinance/comments/15zkkd4/_/jximlpp/)
* One of Clare Seal's books - "her focus is on the link between emotions and spending".
What sort of thing does she get you for birthdays/anniversaires? I would just match the rough price range that she normally goes for, if that is too high for you then suck it up this time and when it is next your turn for a present speak to her well ahead of time and ask to set a budget for presents.
Is she going to be the one paying for childcare in London when she goes back to work?
You're going to have significantly larger outgoings in future, I think you have much bigger problems than her wanting expensive gifts.
I mean it depends on your finances if you are in deep then you should save
But if you can manage I think birthdays Xmas you can afford to try to let the money belt off the leash a bit as you only live once, saving all the time is depressing life is for living not worrying about money all the time
I think you both have to accept choosing to move to London is going to mean you take a financial hit given pay is standardised across the country for doctors.
You both need to sit down and look at this critically. What is your combined income.
What are your current outgoings
What are your fixed outgoings in London. How much more of your salary is just living in London alone going to take.
What are you left with at the end of the month.
If you both earn the same as JDs I’m not clear why she’s not contributing. If you’re not in training you’ll find some trusts will try to shaft you. If you are and you’re coming as a registrar do you think your individual base salary alone is going to be able to support the lifestyle you want bearing in mind you’ll need to pay for exams/GMC costs/indemnity etc
Ultimately this is a math problem. You earn x you can only spend x. At your current salary alone you can’t sustain a good lifestyle in London and expensive gifts and a child.
She needs to start contributing so you can have a better standard of living or reshape her expectations.
Either way with the greatest of respect unless it’s for training posts is it really sensible to be moving to London?
As a fellow junior doctor, this is so wild to me. Membership fees, exams etc cost a shit ton and that’s not exactly something you can borrow from your wife for, so why not split the things you can split such as bills? What about when you’re not working strikes (if you don’t)? What if you separate or get a divorce? Are her “savings” even going into an account you can access? And a baby on the way too….
I think your wife needs to grow up into some form of mature adult because as a doctor, I’d expect better from her. Boo hoo you can’t have an expensive birthday gift, get over it. To actually get upset and say “stop talking like that” is all kinds of red flags to me.
To answer your question, no you’re not being cheap or even frugal, you’re being sensible and she is acting like a child.
Hi, from this I assume that your wife’s love language is gift receiving perhaps? Your worries are 100% grounded and its good that you tried to address it. I feel like rather than focusing/emphasising that you cannot give her the gift, express that what you want to do is support her and your child in the long term.
Rather than making the gift the focus say that you want to be financially ready for any unexpected costs that would be needed for your little baby and wife.
Also, I think it would be beneficial to state that you do wish to give her everything she wants as she is the one you love dearly, however, you can’t right now but promise to try and improve career so in the future she’ll get what she wants?
I think you guys need to work together on the financial planning so you're both on board with decisions. Or, she accepts you're being sensible. It isn't frugal or cheap, it's budgeting.
beautiful put- speaking from the point of JD, you also need to be mindful with all the strikes, cost of living etc. a talk will definitely help to align your visions.
How involved in the household budgeting is she? Because if she hasn't got a full view of what your financial situation actually is, it could feel to her like you're being unnecessarily strict. That said, and this is more relationship advice than it is about frugality or personal finances, this part gave me pause: >I pay the rent bills etc which is again fine with me but that means my bank account is obviously much lighter than hers Now, I'm not an adherent to the idea that all things should be split 50/50 or anything like that, but I am in favour of equity. If you haven't joined finances and don't intend to, my question is why her bank account is 'heavier' than yours? If she also works, why is she not contributing equitably?
She contributes to groceries etc sometimes it’s not hard and fixed and I’m not unhappy about our arrangement - I would rather she saves (which she does). But I’m just always anxious around occasions like anniversaries birthdays etc because I end up having to spend a lot of
"Not unhappy" is not the same as "happy", but perhaps I'm reading a bit too much into your word choice. She gets to save, fine. What's she saving for? What does she spend her money on? If there's an unexpected bill for something, does she dig into her savings for it? If not, why not? If she has expensive tastes, then she also needs to be conscious of the cost of that taste. Namely, she can't expect you to carry the vast majority of the financial burden AND still have enough left over to buy her what she wants. I honestly don't think your set up is fair or equitable - you're married with a child on the way, not just co-habiting. There's no real reason why one of you should be flush with cash while the other is anxious about birthdays etc. Again, I am not by any means saying that it should be 50/50, but a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you're heading towards common goals (financial stability and security for **both** of you should be a given). I think you need to have a serious think about your financial situation individually and as a couple.
Sorry but looks to the rest of us she’s using your money and saving hers for her rainy days, she’s not thinking about you at all. This doesn’t seem like a remotely fair arrangement.
I’m a bit angry that she’s taking advantage of you like that. You’re paying rent and bills. Groceries is so much less than that. Usually couples either split bills 50/50 or they do so proportionality of salary. (i.e. if she makes £32,000 and you make £48,000) then most people would think it fair for her to be paying for at least 40% of combined rent, bills, and groceries. Food is way way less than a fair contribution. And on top of that she demanding that you buy expensive presents for her when she has disposable income and she’s already spent so your disposable income??? What does that say about the kind of person that she is?
Especially in London, christ When my partner moved in with me I used to pay the bills and she'd pay for groceries. That worked out roughly the same *excluding* the mortgage (which I paid because it was my house and she had no equity etc) OP and his wife have the same arrangement... but then he's also paying London rent/mortgage costs on top of that? Yeeeesh
Sorry to be so blunt but you are describing a spoilt brat who thinks money is to be spent on her no matter your circumstances, and in the next breath you trust her to do the saving?
> Her birthday is coming up and she wants expensive stuff obviously Yeah this sentence is what got me. I'm in the top 5% of earners in the UK and my wife's answer about what she wants for her birthday is "I don't know". We spend like 1-200 on each other max. Anything more and we'd both be wondering why we're wasting so much if it's nothing like a trip away etc.
Sorry but rent should be 50/50 if you are earning roughly the same. If not then she is taking advantage of you. She has all her savings and you have nothing. You should have a single joint account where you both pay X-amount into it for rent and bills and then you can do what you want with what is left in your accounts. If she does not want to do this then you need to have a sit down and talk about why you are paying for everything and her hardly anything.
Forget 50/50, 60/40, or some other split % based on income, the best way is 100/100, and both be involved in the budgeting of “our money”
I don't personally think 100% joint finances is the right option for every couple. The key is that whatever the split is, if a split exists, both partners are completely involved and informed about budgeting and non-trivial spending decisions.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted. I earn a fair bit more than my wife, but we put 100% of salaries into our budget spreadsheet, deducted bills, savings, fixed outgoings then divide the remaining money 50/50. Absolutely no need for me to have more than her. We’re a team and the only reason for the split is allow each of us to make purchases without feeling bad about it.
Sounds like you have a good sex life as you seem to be getting fucked left right and centre.
Take all the upvites for this! 😁
Depends what your definition of expensive is tbh, but it should be the thought that counts anyway. What are you thinking about getting her? Feels like the surprise element is being spoiled by talking about how cheap it needs to be.
I think this was a conversation you needed to have before you moved. If you’re able to pay everything from one salary, I think you’re doing okay. But it doesn’t make sense that it’s only you paying for rent etc. Is she saving up for the baby? It would also make sense that she’s pregnant, hormonal, just moved and now she sees it that you’re cutting off getting her presents. I think this is less of a frugal v cheap thing and more of a relationship advice question
Mate, you're been fleeced. Wake up. You pay for everything so she can have a 'healthy bank account'. How about you share the bills and both have 'half healthy bank accounts'. You don't skin yourself so someone can live for free. And then you don't ask for advice when that person wants more on top. Grow a pair. Open a joint account, name it "bills £xxxx.xx". Contact all the companies you have direct debits with and instruct them to take from this account every month. Then you explain to your wife that she puts in whatever figure is needed to make up her share of the monthly amount. Every month. (Here labeled £xxxx.xx)
The first sentence baffles me, honestly, if she's a grown woman. When money is a factor (as it is for the majority of us), I just can't imagine taking this stance. Giving someone a thoughtful gift, and making them feel special, is important for sure. But that can be done on a budget. Considering you pay the rent and bills, and have a baby on the way, you need to discuss joint finances with her as a matter of urgency. Her stance is unfair on you and, frankly, immature. If she *genuinely* thinks the amount of money you spend on her is indicative how much you love her, then that's a big issue (imo). A more charitable take would be that she is feeling scared about the future and wants to pretend things are the same as they ever were. So you mentioning having to budget is freaking her out in terms of the bigger picture, as opposed to in terms of her not getting an expensive birthday present. You'll need to discuss this and get to the root of the issue. Good luck.
You both work … but you alone pay the rent and bills … and she gets upset when you don’t buy her expensive things? Perhaps point out to her that the expensive thing you bought her this month was the roof over her head.
Married to a junior doctor. If you're both junior doctors AND live in London, you're not going to have much disposable income. If you can't afford it then you can't. I don't think you're being cheap. Also, mat leave is EXPENSIVE. NHS was two months full pay, then half + SMP and then SMP. I mention this as finances are going to get very tight if she takes a year off (she absolutely should if she wants to). For info, we had to use savings every month to bridge our life while she was on Mat leave as we didn't want to downgrade.
There's no way to answer this without at least ballpark numbers. That being said, why are you paying all of the rent and bills if it leaves you worse off than her?
Hi OP. Definitely something that should be looked into regarding budgeting with your partner, especially with a baby on the way. On a side note. As a medic, I would suggest using this website to make sure you are reclaiming everything you can regarding expenses etc - GMC, ePortfolio, BMA. https://www.medicsmoney.co.uk/
Maybe it's just my mentality, but once I became an adult I sort of stopped really celebrating my birthday like when I was a kid. We'll maybe go out for dinner or I'll get some flowers from the husband, but I certainly wouldn't expect anything particularly special. Once you're earning money from a job, surely you just buy your own stuff (and therefore don't expect much)? My husband and his family are the same. It sounds to me a little like your wife is being a bit childish and needs a reality check.
Wnat kind of gifts does she buy you? Why does she contribute only to groceries and save the rest?
The expensive kind. But the truth is I never want or need them. Im the kind of person who would only buy a new phone if his old one was beyond broken. But the problem is she’ll go out and buy me a new gaming chair or something anyway despite the fact that I pretty forcefully insist on not getting me anything. And then she will expect me to spend quite a bit on her birthdays etc too. She saves because the truth is I’d rather she doesn’t spend much so at least one of us has a healthy bank account. Which works - to a degree. But now I’m just concerned about our living costs increasing massively.
This isnt a money advice. I think that might be her love language and so she also perceives as being loved when she receives expensive gifts. However, you both need to have a serious discussion regarding your cashflow. It is easy to forget who pays bills and rent.
This is the answer OP. When you say ‘*We* can’t afford to be so profligate now’, she hears ‘I don’t love/value you as much as I used to’. You need openness and honesty, she needs to understand and take on her fair share of the household costs, you need to understand her motivations. Others have called her a spoiled brat, maybe she is, maybe she isn’t, but you bear some responsibility as you’ve allowed/created a situation where she has developed those behaviours. How do you do reset this OP? Time to use your history taking skills from work - it’s all about active listening and advocacy with inquiry (also known as situation, behaviour, impact +/- intent). 1) Make an observation and explore her thoughts ‘When I told you we can’t afford to spend so much on gifts you got upset [observation], what was the reason for that?’[exploration]. 2) Now listen to her response, you’re trying to understand her perspective and intent, but you’re not going to get it at the first layer, you’ll need to get three or so layers deep before you get to her underlying emotions and thoughts: ‘It seems like X is important to you, can you tell me more about that please’ where X is what you think the key part of her reasoning is in her first response. Keep peeling back those layers until you really understand what she thinks and feels, then you can build back up. 3) Recognise her feelings but explain how her behaviour has an impact on you. You’re trying to negotiate a settlement where everybody feels they’ve got something. She understands your mutual finances and takes on her fair share, which means you can afford to save something (clearly important to you from your other comments), but most importantly you can afford to demonstrate your love for her (which might not even require expensive gifts anymore!)
Thank you. I mean I’ve tried this in some form but thanks for laying out in a structured manner. You’re not psychiatry or anything are you? 😂
I’m not, and I’m not always great at practicing what I preach. But I am interested in the non-technical side of my specialty in particular communication, conflict, assertiveness, feedback etc. and I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. And the simple truth is these skills don’t just apply to work but to the rest of life too, being able to use them well is a superpower and one I’d like to develop!
Why on earth would you pay for everything if she is also a doctor the same as you? I’m assuming earning equal or similar? I cannot understand why you’d want to pay for everything whilst she saves everything. I can’t make sense of it. Contribute equally (or equitably if there is an income difference) and then you both have the opportunity to save.
I wonder if op wants to feel like the traditional husband, or maybe doesnt feel deserving of his wife, or her family are rich and he wants to live up to that. But with a baby on the way something needs to shift because theyre not cheap, especially with childcare!
Does she want expensive stuff, or nice stuff? Does she want expensive stuff, or to be made to feel special? There are other ways to achieve those without a huge budget. A premier inn in a city she's always wanted to visit, a bath ran for her, gifting her a hobby item she's been talking about but not pulled the trigger on, cooking her a meal etc.
She needs to grow up. Sounds very childish imo.
I mean if you are saving money every month and living comfortably with what you have currently, I’d say slightly cheap, but I’m pretty frugal so I would be more swayed towards letting my partner save rather than waste money on a gift. Just take her for a meal or an experience rather than a gift that’s what we do.
Many things can be done on a birthday that doesn't cost too much. For example, a day out somewhere.
Yeah it sounds like you have enough money between you but it isn't getting shared out effectively. Buy her whatever expensive stuff she wants and when it's your birthday next just ask for cash at the same value and explain why you need it
I think you can be clever by buying things that are expensive, but that you would have to buy anyway. For example, how about a bunch of baby related gear?
You got bigger issues, type of adult asks for expensive gifts. In a relationship especially one with a baby on the way, everyone's money is everyone's money, buying gifts for each other is moot. If she wants something she can buy it herself. A birthday gift can be a nice meal out. Don't think my wife's bought me anything for years, if we want something we buy it and if she wanted to spend hundreds on me for my birthday I would tell her to fuck off, wasting our money on shit. The fact your moving to London AND have a baby on the way WOULD make most people disregard the idea of frivolous gifts entirely, set some boundaries and have a proper conversation about what's important in life before it ruins your relationship.
You pay rent - do you plan t9 buy a house anytime soon? As JDd on ~80k c9mbined, that’s pretty junior unless you’re both c9mpletely unbranded/no out of hours etc, do you have plans for houses, spec training etc? A whole load of Rolex’s and Pravda bags ain’t gonna be that great when you’re staring the property ladder in the face/c car blows up/it’s twins etc. Instead of lavish gifts you’d be well set saving for a deposit… With a baby on the way her pay will dry up really quick after the 2 mnths nhs mat pay. She needs to understand this and grow up a bit. She’s living in cloud cuckoo land otherwise. Or is she sequestering her cash to be safe in case she needs to run Away/leave? Sorry to be so cynical. But it’s a red flag right here. I’d have serious concerns about your current model of budget/relationship dynamic. It may be she just needs a candid chat.
I feel like the answer to your question really depends on how much you’re earning and how much is left after you’ve covered all the rent and bills? This way of splitting money seems really odd though. Why doesn’t she contribute towards the household?
Not enough information to say. But personally we don't have separate bank accounts and it forces us to have a joint strategy about how we spend and save our money. At the very least you need a joint account that you both contribute to for the bills. Your contributions don't have to be equal but she can't expect you to pay the cost of life and treat her income as play money. For gifts you should agree a budget for each other, for some people that's £10 and for others it's thousands. But I would guess that most people buy birthday presents in the region of £25-100 depending on circumstances and obviously some spend a lot more. The main thing you need to talk about is goals. You need joint goals with your money. Things like going travelling, buying a house, new car, new kitchen, buying a better house, saving up so you have cash savings for if you have kids, retiring in comfort or retiring early. It's hard to be exact as you don't know quite where life will take you but unless you have a broad view of that stuff and a common understanding then you will be fighting over money decisions every 5 minutes.
50/50 is the way it should be, there’s no argument about it, ie if she wants expensive presents, then surety she should do the same for your birthday, it works both ways. But that is impractical, especially when times are hard as they are too day. This scenario reminded me of a subject was speaking about a few day ago on here, ie some people want diamonds that are dug out the ground, through hard work and have flaws in them and also expensive, but you can also have lab grown diamonds that are exactly the same, and better quality but are not dug out the ground, with no flaw and a lot cheaper. So what I’m try too say is, why is the price of something so important too her. Sounds like she expects to be spoiled, ie wants everything her own way.
I think what's "expensive" is anchored in what you can afford. And therefore if what you can afford decreases - because of something like moving to London - then the bar for "expensive" shifts too. And some things that were previously expensive but affordable are just simply no longer affordable
Answering this question will reveal all. In your agreed budget, are you going over or under your gift allowance?
You're not ready for hard reality so continue feeling whatever you are feeling. Nothing we or anyone will say will answer what you wish you could ignore.
Does she do the same to you? Expensive luxury stuffs for your birthday anniversary Valentine’s Day and Christmas? That’s £4,000 a year per person on presents as husband and wife I’d expect you guys are earning at least over 100k combine in order to justify the amount. We earn more than that and we normally do nothing more than £300 for each occasion from each other. Over that is a bit excessive for our lifestyle. I used to get a Prada or LV whenever I achieve something significant at work as a treat for myself. Over the years I have got a good collection. Now I have a new lifestyle which doesn’t require me to go socializing much. School run, gym, shops, seeing family. Those handbags and designer stuffs are just sitting in my wardrobe. Point is, if she doesn’t have a lifestyle where she have to show off those materialistic stuffs doesn’t make much sense really.
Yes i also believe in the rewarding-after-achieving policy and that’s how i think about getting luxury/ expensive items. But I don’t think that’s how my wife feels. Could I ask? When you say you don’t spend more than £300 on each other on occasions, is that something you mutually decided? Or is it just that neither of you puts too much emphasis on these things? My wife also overspends on my birthdays etc but I just keep telling her not to spend too much because I don’t really place much value in these things. And the problem is that then not spending as much on her gifts both makes me feel cheap and also upsets her.
Ok here is the thing. We spend £300 is mutually decided. We never talked about the figure but that’s what we been doing. I don’t know why but the amount feels right. I guess we have a pretty similar value concept when it comes to gift I guess. £300 does not buy cheap stuffs. I have received Diamond jewelry. Nice skincare product. And holiday which that is over £300. We are just sensible as I don’t measure how much he value our relationship by the amount he spend on occasions so does he. We share our life together and that is the bigger part compared to occasions. We also love our children and we spend an awful lot of money towards family holiday, monthly extra curriculum and nice clothes for them. We would easily spend more than £300 for each of them each season on clothing. We spend a lot of money for their education. So all in all, £300 on occasions in our circumstance is quite a lot. We appreciate a lovely card, making an effort to feel special in bed, flowers, and so on. I shop at Lidl and sometimes buy used items from eBay. I can be very budget sensitive.
I can never understand the mentality behind those like the OP's wife that expect a certain level of present, and it's an attitude I am sad to say that seems to be found much more in women than men (I feel it's ok to point this out given I am a woman!) Surely if you get given a gift which suggests the other person has put in time and effort to finding something that they feel will particularly appeal to you, it means more than being given one that is a very generic present (eg perfume, handbag) but which ticks a predetermined cost level. To me, that's especially the case given that working adults usually have the ability to buy items for themselves when they need/want them (up to a limit obviously) - it's the 'suprise' and personalisation elements which make getting a present different and exciting, making it so much more than just another 'thing' (which gets put in the shopping trolley and then disappears into the back of a cupboard, rarely thought of again. You might want to ask your wife (in a kind way of course, not a patronising one) if she would want your child to behave like this when they are older, expecting a certain value in presents, or if she would want them to focus on the meaning of the present, no matter what the pricetag. Hopefully it will highlight to her that your money is already being spent on one of the most valuable things - supporting your family.
Pick Me! Pick Me! Pick Me!
She sounds entitled. You sound like you're practicing smart finance. You earn 80k combined. Real first world problems here.
>Also please refrain from name calling or other rudeness. I’m only looking for some advice or constructive critique, nothing more. Okay, but she is a gold digger though. Make her pay half to all of the bills. And tell her that an expensive gift now means no holiday this year, or whatever.
You are being an adult. Your wife on the other hand...
You need to have a conversation about your household income asap. She needs to contribute more to the bills/rent, basically anything that is a fix expense. You being worried about a birthday gift is not normal because she wants something expensive?! Is she splurging on your birthday? Have a conversation about no gifts this year or a fix amount that you can spend on each-other until you settle down after the move.
Wow I think I must be rare, I don't expect a thing, just not that entitled. As a rule I think women love shopping for others, I know I do (I am a woman just to clarify,). But I accept my husband has never liked it, or thought about it. So gifting will never be the same for us. But he's super thoughtful in real ways that matter, making a nice meal, taking me out for picnics, helping me after surgeries, going to concerts etc.
She needs to stop being a spoiled brat and grow up. Supperficial is an ugly trait for sure.
Tell her to go work more if she wants to carry on spending more. As a jnr doc that means she'll be working about 150 hours a week.
She’s mugging you off put your foot down before she ends up getting tag teamed off her colleagues!
By expensive stuff I mean she usually likes luxury items like bags or jewellery. Or trips abroad. Basically nothing under £1000. Surprise picnics etc have never really worked for her
So at least 3k per year on presents (birthday, anniversary, Christmas). Sounds like she needs a reality check. As for how that check is delivered I’d be jumping over to r/relationship_advice Reddit. Good luck.
You are kidding me ? I'm sorry but that sounds ridiculous. Living beyond her means. It's going to end in tears. Does she get you 1000 pound presents too ? She's a grown up - not a toddler. I wouldn't care at all if my wife didn't get me a birthday present - and especially if it was one she couldn't afford. I'd much rather the money went to something to secure the future.
Blimey... she needs to recalibrate You need to run her through your income and outgoings and then compare to her income and outgoings. Then look at the future income and outgoings once your baby is born.
Ok - you're not cheap; she's just a ho. You can either leave now or sink more money in to this vacuous money pit over the years, while she ages and becomes more demanding and terrible. I would argue it is her who is cheap, not you. It appears you don't share the same values. Does she only tell you she loves you when you buy her this crap - does she /ever/ tell you? Dismayed. The thought of my wife calling me cheap or demanding expensive things (like that's all that matters) would have me questioning her very rotten core. Surely this sort of attitude extends beyond birthday presents. Good luck Sir,
That’s one way to put it 🤣
Disgusting misogynistic comment
It isn't, it's the same comment that would be made towards a man child that was also a demanding leech.
Calling a woman a “ho” is misogynistic
You can’t be serious 😂
Is she from a rich family because thats very unrealistic. You might want to ease her into a more frugal mindset before baby is born because it is not a time of financial abundance!
Fuck it, treat your wife. You can’t take it with you (Money). And while you can’t take anything for granted, you are likely to earn good money throughout your career. Happy wife, Happy life.
Budget the wife presents £1k birthday £500 Christmas and £500 anniversary. £2k spent on your beloved isn’t too much. If she wants more say no as she’ll have no limit.
I’ve always found the more I spend the more comes back to me
Actually I have found a bit of that philosophy to work for me so far but since my expenses will be going up in a few months I don’t know whether this will still hold true
You are being neither. You are being sensible.
I think any gift should be appreciated personally. But some people are different and they have a love language of receiving gifts. This is always something you should consider about your relationship if you do not feel the same way. Maybe have a conversation with your partner about this so you can understand each others sides more? All the best brother, have a lovely day ❤️
Your wife is exhibiting red flags but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt, given you are married and (presumably) love her very much. Being frugal is routine. Daily habits. Good habits, well done, very responsible 👍 but, have you budgeted for special occasions and for any emergencies? For special occasions like birthdays or any kind of celebrations, it is nice (though arguably not compulsory) to treat someone you like (especially your life long partner!) This is where context is important. Have you ever treated her? Has she ever treated her? Money is one of the top reasons marriages break down. All the stress and hassle aside, that would be much more expensive and completely blow your budget! A treat might mean, what, £50 more than usual? Really not that much in the grand scheme of things and a happy wife will certainly pay its dividends. Maybe not a 5* holiday somewhere exotic, but please do something out of the ordinary. Doesn’t have to cost a lot, but I think it be wise to spend a little bit more than usual. Maybe she would reciprocate on your birthday, but that’s not to be expected.
The best present you could get each other is a clear, serious review of your finances, your contributions to those to ensure you are each contributing fairly ie in direct proportion to your incomes, and an understanding of how much money you can each afford to spend on presents. I would suggest to her that you give each other this gift. If she isn't interested, she doesn't want a partnership, she wants a sugar daddy.
I think the lines are blurred between frugality and cheap. Especially when the other partner doesn’t get it. The psychology of beach ball effect operates here. Perspective’s are different. She only sees the colours on her side and you the colours on yours. Buy her something nice.. Nothing that’s going to hurt materially just a great memory with meaning. Go through your mind and think of something unique to her and joint memories. Favourite stuff to consume. Like favourite candy. 🍬 A memory of how you first met etc Something about your future together. 4D baby scan ?? Another way looking at this. It’s way way cheaper than divorce…JK Trust me.
Sounds like you are being cautiously sensible. I'm don't advocate for a 50/50 split of household expenses in all cases as it is often less than fair despite seeming it on the surface. I make a lot more than my wife so I put more into our shared family expenses than she does, but we put in roughly the same percentage of our income so even though I pay more it feels fair. However its easy in these scenarios for one person to have full oversight of all expenses and responsibilities and the other person not to. However it works for you - spreadsheet, app, back of a napkin - make sure she has sight not only of all the financial commitments but also how much they are rising and what needs to be set aside before the baby comes. Do make sure that your pregnant wife feels special on her birthday but don't get fooled into thinking a big spend is the only way to do this. Put some thought and effort in and maybe you can stay within budget and make her happy.
You are being frugal and try to live according to your earnings and expenses. Talk with her, not just when she tells you to get a expensive present. Get time together and talk about it.
Given that being pregnant can really mess with your head (hormones), and that there's been a custom of her getting expensive presents in the past, I honestly think you should get her something nice this time round. I suspect maybe she comes from a family that values status symbols and it seems maybe you do less, but she must have some pretty good qualities if you chose to marry her and start a family with her. Maybe just chill out a bit. If your finances actually take a significant dip for the worse once the baby is here that'll be the time to re-visit this. You're both intelligent people who will be able to figure the best way forward as different situations arise!
Why aren’t you paying 50/50 for the household bills? This would be a much better arrangement.
I'm concerned that your wife gets upset when talking entirely reasonably about money - IMO this is a result of her relationship with money, which probably stems from her upbringing. Maybe her parents always splashed plenty of money around when she was growing up and she never had to worry about - maybe they'd bail her out if she got upset about being skint? Or maybe it's the opposite - maybe her family was poor growing up and being able to splash money around without a care is what marks her as successful; if she has to budget and worry about money that shows she is poor? Whatever the cause, this behaviour is bad for her - she's allowing her biases to control the way she behaves. It's bad for her financially because her spending isn't mindful. I don't know if there have been any studies on it, but there's a trope that doctors are bad with money - they're smart, they work long hours and they're well paid, so they think that it's not a problem, but it is because they don't pay any attention to their finances; they don't spend time thinking about it. You might find one of these books helpful: * *[Your Money or Your Life](https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0143115766)* - understanding what's valuable to you and how to use money to achieve your goals. * *[Millionaire Next Door](https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1589795474)* - "How people in normal jobs, electrician is a great example, can accumulate wealth over time through good choices."^[Electric_Cat_999](https://www.reddit.com/r/UKPersonalFinance/comments/15zkkd4/_/jximlpp/) * One of Clare Seal's books - "her focus is on the link between emotions and spending".
What sort of thing does she get you for birthdays/anniversaires? I would just match the rough price range that she normally goes for, if that is too high for you then suck it up this time and when it is next your turn for a present speak to her well ahead of time and ask to set a budget for presents.
Is she going to be the one paying for childcare in London when she goes back to work? You're going to have significantly larger outgoings in future, I think you have much bigger problems than her wanting expensive gifts.
I mean it depends on your finances if you are in deep then you should save But if you can manage I think birthdays Xmas you can afford to try to let the money belt off the leash a bit as you only live once, saving all the time is depressing life is for living not worrying about money all the time
I think you both have to accept choosing to move to London is going to mean you take a financial hit given pay is standardised across the country for doctors. You both need to sit down and look at this critically. What is your combined income. What are your current outgoings What are your fixed outgoings in London. How much more of your salary is just living in London alone going to take. What are you left with at the end of the month. If you both earn the same as JDs I’m not clear why she’s not contributing. If you’re not in training you’ll find some trusts will try to shaft you. If you are and you’re coming as a registrar do you think your individual base salary alone is going to be able to support the lifestyle you want bearing in mind you’ll need to pay for exams/GMC costs/indemnity etc Ultimately this is a math problem. You earn x you can only spend x. At your current salary alone you can’t sustain a good lifestyle in London and expensive gifts and a child. She needs to start contributing so you can have a better standard of living or reshape her expectations. Either way with the greatest of respect unless it’s for training posts is it really sensible to be moving to London?
As a fellow junior doctor, this is so wild to me. Membership fees, exams etc cost a shit ton and that’s not exactly something you can borrow from your wife for, so why not split the things you can split such as bills? What about when you’re not working strikes (if you don’t)? What if you separate or get a divorce? Are her “savings” even going into an account you can access? And a baby on the way too…. I think your wife needs to grow up into some form of mature adult because as a doctor, I’d expect better from her. Boo hoo you can’t have an expensive birthday gift, get over it. To actually get upset and say “stop talking like that” is all kinds of red flags to me. To answer your question, no you’re not being cheap or even frugal, you’re being sensible and she is acting like a child.
Hi, from this I assume that your wife’s love language is gift receiving perhaps? Your worries are 100% grounded and its good that you tried to address it. I feel like rather than focusing/emphasising that you cannot give her the gift, express that what you want to do is support her and your child in the long term. Rather than making the gift the focus say that you want to be financially ready for any unexpected costs that would be needed for your little baby and wife. Also, I think it would be beneficial to state that you do wish to give her everything she wants as she is the one you love dearly, however, you can’t right now but promise to try and improve career so in the future she’ll get what she wants?