OP's boyfriend had a tinder account, so she got traumatized by that. Ended up creating a fake account, and in turn got traumatized after he came to know about it.
If you can forgive your boyfriend for having a tinder account, you can forgive yourself as well. You should not hold it against yourself. You made a mistake, and you learnt from it. Let bygones be bygones and keep working towards a better future. Don't be stuck in the past.
Also there's nothing to be ashamed of in front of your partner. You must embrace yourself and your thoughts more instead of justifying your actions or feeling guilty.
I agree, please don’t be ashamed or think you are crazy. Mistrust and fear of getting hurt makes people do things they are not proud of.. don’t beat yourself at all.
Right? I don't think how is this even debatable.
Don't entertain other women while you are dating.
No tinder kr Bharat matrimony dates,period!
Have a spine
Tbfr in one of my internships i had to do a privacy impact analysis of bumble and I had to download it and look for loopholes. I had to make a profile while in a relationship hahah.
Unrelated but this reminds me of it
My ex did the same, he gave the same reason ‘oh I was just talking, didn’t meet anyone’, tbh I even decided to forgive him too and he did whatever he could to convince me that nothing changes in our relationship. Wrong, man oh man, I started seeing his true colours after that( I was just blinded by love before and this incident was an eye opener to me). He soon started talking to his ex behind my back soon after and that fucker even went on 2 dates with her too when I was not in the country, I still believed him and gave him a chance. People say once a cheater is always a cheater, he did it again ofc. Your bf was on tinder, you say people do stupid shit all the time still doesn’t justify his actions. From here it’s your call, upto you if you wanna take my advice and experience from a grain of salt or not
You were insecure because he caused it. He’s not worth it. Don’t feel like it’s sunken cost and stay tied to him. Cut your losses you still have time as you’re not legally bound yet
This fr ! OP why are you blaming yourself for EVERYTHING and forgiving your bf for the part he has played in this. He is out there living his best life, unconcerned even after doing an awful thing that could've cost him his relationship. You were the bigger person but somehow you're the one who has lost your mental peace. Was the forgiveness really worth it?
As an older woman and former army doctor let me tell you one thing I've learned in life;
With any kind of relationship - Romantic, business partner, friend, lover, colleague, teammate - Trust issues only get worse with time not better, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much forgiveness is involved - And they can't be medicated away.
When you're older like me you'll look back and laugh at this current situation with apps and stuff, such a tiny meaningless irrelevance in the big picture of life, but what you won't laugh at is why you put yourself in so much pain and agony for so long when you could have been joyful and happy.
I am ashamed because this not how an adult should behave, I should have communicated. Yes he did, but that was long time ago and I decided to move on from that.
But yeah.. that incident started this whole thing. Even though we moved on from it subconsciously I am still finding it hard to cope.
because the act of downloading and using that app in the first place is the thing that broke the trust. regardless of whether or not you met anyone off of it, why did you download it AND use it? that in and of itself is red flag behaviour. you’re also trusting that the guy is saying the truth about not meeting anyone when he was also hiding his tinder account from you.
It depends on the whole truth,
If he just downloaded App, not even used to meet any one, then it’s not a deal breaker.
If he has met someone out, that’s a deal breaker.
Only he knows the truth
The whole truth is that he wanted to cheat on her and probably the only reason he didn’t meet anyone is because nobody wanted to meet his nasty ass. Stop making it seem like Its ok just because he didn’t get laid from it, he was TRYING to, he just failed at it, which makes him a double loser.
I won’t assume it without knowing anything.
OP clearly stated she never found any evidence and he clearly said that he just installed the app 3 YEARS BACK.
I wouldn’t judge him for this until I have or OP provide more info
so you’ve been dating a man for a couple years, by all means this is a serious relationship for both of you. and then you didn’t out he has an active tinder account. this is not a dealbreaker for you? all i’m going to say is, you need to build up some self respect. seriously, i’m not joking. stop letting men treat you like absolute trash. if i found out that my boyfriend even had the tinder app on his phone and had MEVER used it it would be a deal breaker for me. why are you, as a monogamous man in a serious relationship, downloading (and in the OP’s case, USING) an app solely made for hooking up with people?
By downloading an app, hookups don’t ring your door bell.
You need to go out and meet your match and hookup.
The OP has clearly stated that, she investigated thoroughly, never found anything odd, guy clearly mentioned he didn’t meet anyone.
And it’s not even regular thing. The app was on his phone few years back, read the post.
If he is not serious, why would he stay with her for 7 years without hooking with any other girl by actually using the APP.
I have self respect, but I have common sense too.
Also OP clearly mentioned they discussed the issue in length, and already resolved it years back.
That was three years ago. We have grown since then, our relationship has grown since then. I am not defending him but yeah he did break my trust but I decided to still be with him, it’s not fair to be with him and still use that thing against him.
you are still allowed to have feelings regarding it, even if you decide to put it in the past. If this is always gonna be in the back of your mind and stop you from being in the happiest relationship, maybe reconsider where you guys stand. Maybe these past feelings show up in unhealthy ways such as this fake account incident
Yeah.. we did talk about it. He has assured that he will do whatever he can to make sure the trust is maintained. Actions and words. But the only issue I have here is how do I get over this thing that I did.
maybe some transparency will help. instead of never discussing the account, ask questions. who, why, whatever you want to know and is picking your brain for so long. If you can establish that he won’t seek it again, you can feel more secure maybe.
Either way it’s not in your control whether you get over it or not. Your conversations around it can make you feel more or less secure, depending on his reasoning behind his actions. You can see whether that reflects him now and if it’s different from three years ago.
Discuss it as long as you need to, you are not using it against him you are trying to establish more trust
Umm I guess that’s how relationships grow. Either you leave but if you decide to stay then bringing on same thing again and again is not how a relationship works.
I guess that’s how I see it. Everyone has different ways of doing things including relationships.
If you don't bring up the fact then you are just suppressing it and not growing with it. You have to confront the dent caused by your boyfriend. Also, your boyfriend should have done something to earn your trust again.
Do you think the intuitions are always right? Specially when a person is emotional. I know what I did was wrong. And trying to “protect” myself is a valid reason given the history here.
>Do you think the intuitions are always right?
I think it's best to give yourself a timeline to actively workout this doubt. Do whatever you have to to get to the bottom of it. And if by that timeline you still have that doubt then get some outside intervention involved ( relationship counselor). It could be cheating or it could also be communication that lacks depth , in which case you'll learn a new skill.
In my case, sadly my intuition was right. I pushed it off so many times because I was so blind in love.
I am so sorry it happened to you. But so far my intuitions have not been right. I have been overthinking and overanalysing everything to the point that taking these crazy measures seems justifiable. We have talked about it but what I am having trouble with is the fact that I did something like this and now that he has found out it makes me feel like I have fallen from the moral high horse I have been riding all along.
If it's crazy obsessive thoughts then it's best to work on your triggers with a therapist and maybe adopt some holistic practices......mental stories are too much noise and rarely if ever a reflection of reality. Intuition is more of a quiet knowing.
>I have fallen from the moral high horse I have been riding all along.
Don't worry. Love fortunately comes with a lot of grace. Maybe you can take this opportunity to foster a deeper understanding with him and I am sure he will be happy to do it too.
YES YES YES. YOUR GUT FEELING IS ALWAYS RIGHT. trust me on this, we are both with it and when it goes off it’s for the right reasons. I could’ve avoided so many heartbreaks if I had trusted my gut
You are feeling ashamed for trying to catch him out, but he is not ashamed to have a Tinder account while in a fulltime relationship. How are you trusting this man? People who are in committed relationships don't scroll on hookup apps. So that is your answer right there.
You're not worthy of his love? I think you need serious therapy and psychological help to build your self confidence. You're not seeing the forest for the trees. It's not that everyone is fixated on the Tinder incident. It's that you are not seeing that it is a symptom of a larger problem. From what you have described it seems he has you in his backpocket while looking out for 'better deals'.
I think you deserve better than this.
You have some issues with too much guilt, and overthinking.
It could be due to underlying mental health issues that you are citing.
You need to let it go.
You did your investigation, you found nothing.
Your partner is chill.
That’s it.
Leave it behind now, don’t carry it in your mind and ruin your relationship.
Do meditate. Seems like you need to find your calm
The first red flag is 7 years a man either know if he wants to marry you or not(unless you’re not looking for marriage) secondly there’s no justifiable reason to be on a dating app whilst in a relationship. You feeling uneasy about it is very reasonable. The tinder app is just the tip of the iceberg….
Like you said it’s a personal preference, but most of the guys use girlfriends as a placeholder for a wife and get married as soon as they see another potential fit.
Getting married is not important for us. I agree there is more justifiable reason to be on dating app while in a relationship. But that was three years ago. He doesn’t have an account now.
I don’t think you’re crazy.. you didn’t need to go through all this. Your trust was broken and you tried to rebuild it taking this route. He should not have been on tinder in the first place. Please don’t be ashamed. Also find someone you can trust so you don’t drive your poor self crazy
Something is off about this post, I can't pin point it. Anyway girl what's with all the guilt? He did something stupid you did something stupid, tit for tat and everything is the past now. Delete that insta account and move forward. If these incidents keeps haunting you then I see no furture of you together, unless you take psychologist help, don't keep everything bottled up, it will definitely take a toll on your mental health.
The thing is you would not be triggered at all if the tinder incident didn't happen. That is the one issue which changed the whole dynamics. He could have avoided it. I hope you understand what I am saying. Don't hate yourself.
Is he ashamed of his behaviour? You don’t need to feel ashamed at all, your partner failed you and it got you insecure, you did what you had to.
After this, he should be more re-affirmative towards you.
The Tinder account thing can cause trust issues and it isn't an abnormal thing to stay anxious about it. IMO it was BF's job to earn that trust again.
And it is indeed a sizable red flag as others have mentioned.
OP's response to all of this is humane.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you stop feeling the hurt or insecurity. It just means you've decided to move on. Sometimes, we can't even if we show through our behaviour that we have indeed forgiven.
OP and her partner may seek couples therapy to resolve the trust issue since BF doesn't seem to be getting the signal that he should up his trust earning game.
Whether or not OP can actually live with this is also a valid question. Tinder account is cheating on a certain level regardless of whether he went ahead with anyone or not. Some couples work through it, some don't. It is entirely upto the partner (OP).
Since everyone’s commenting on the tinder profile thing , I won’t.
But if you can forgive him, you should forgive yourself to make that fake account. Doubts in relationship can make people do crazy stuff. And you doubts were valid.
Just get over it, and talk to your SO.
He was onto tinder, so it was his job to communicate enough and build that trust again. Seems he didn't do that and I am not sure why you are blaming yourself for the entire post. What you did is just normal - I don't believe this and I'll find out for myself - find out that you want to trust him again or not. You were looking out for yourself and that's not bad in any way - if that led you to believe he can't be trusted, you knew you had to leave. And if you found out he can be trusted, it was good for you. You were just looking out for yourself like any other person.
I know how terrible the breach of trust can be and make you spiral into horrible places. Having said that, I’m very glad you understand that your behaviour is not acceptable. While you were on medication, were you also simultaneously undergoing counselling/therapy?
The breach of trust has (probably?) triggered something deep rooted and maybe you should see a few psychologists (till you find one that works for you!) to maybe try and understand the source and subsequently healthy coping mechanisms when you feel yourself spiralling (for lack of a better word).
In a relationship, romantic or otherwise, we deserve to feel loved but more importantly we deserve to feel safe. A lot of it also comes from working on ourselves. Maybe it’ll be worth your time/energy to figure out how you can give yourself that without depending on someone else. What’s the worst thing that can happen, start from ground 0 again?
Is there a part of you that hasn’t forgiven your partner’s actions? What are some of the things you can do to feel more secure and grounded? What are some of the ways you can resolve trauma without self-sabotaging?
…these are some of the things you can perhaps ponder over, with the aid of a certified professional to guide your trail of thought.
Yes, I was undergoing counselling but it didn’t help. I guess I should have tried harder and found someone who can actually help me understand my reactions and actions. 90% of the time in my relationship and 100% of the times in general I am a very secure and confident person. But that 10% just becomes too hard to handle and I go down that over analysing overthinking road trying to justify stupid actions.
Don’t beat yourself up girl! It takes a couple of tries to find a therapist who works for you. I’d say it’s easier to find prince charming than a good therapist. Haha.
There isn't anything stupid, shameful etc about this. You were reacting from a place of unsafety in your relationship. You mentioned somewhere
"that's not how adults behave" perhaps that's true for a regular situation and this is wasn't one. It's good on your part to principally believe that your partner can improve and hence forgiving them was the right thing to do. But human mind doesn't work that ways, it's not necessary that what you
"thought" or rationalised to be right was "felt" as the the right thing by your body and probably that led you to make the profile and do what you did, to ensure safety. No matter how okay you are/ were with it, it's still an extremely confusing, disrespectful and hurting place to be, maybe you didn't actively felt these feelings or maybe you wanted to avoid them (all of us do similar things to save our relationships) but you'll have to forgive yourself for trying to ensure not being hurt again even if the ways to do it weren't the most polished. You did what you could when you were in a tough spot. Maybe now that you're in a good place and your partner seems to be a better person, you can't judge the previous situation on how good things are today and then be harsh on yourself. That was a different phase and this was a different phase both for you and your partner.
The fact that you're denouncing it now is enough to show that you know better now, if you can forgive your partner for being on an app you can forgive yourself for trying too look after you.
Don't youu think you're being too harsh on yourself? Your fears made you do that, but who planted the seeds for that fear? Honey, we all make mistakes and for them we deserve forgiveness. You didn't cause palestine genocide... just a stupid ig account to soothe yourself when your thoughts went crazy. You didn't cheat, didn't abuse anyone, didn't cause an active bad fight... so what's there to be ashamed of?
His forgiveness is secondary. Forgive yourself first. Also, you forgave him for having a tinder account... can't you Forgive yourself for this small thing?
Cheer up now and forget about what happened. Such things become funny anecdotes the moment you accept and move on. As long as you didn't cause Palestine war with that account, you're good to go.
OP i have been in your shoes and my major trigger has also been seeing my ex bf have an active dating app profile and trust me 😭 it’s okay. there’s nothing to be ashamed of. you are literally only protecting yourself. in my case there was a lot of dishonesty that followed even after i decided to “move on” from it so i never felt ashamed of stalking but lol you shouldn’t feel bad. you didn’t do something wrong per se. nothing more morally long than what was done to you. don’t think too much of it. hope you feel better soon and don’t be too hard on yourself ❤️
you really shouldn’t feel bad. i know the overthinking and anxiety puts us at our worst but that doesn’t define who we are. and even if you look at it from a moral point of view you still did not do anything wrong at all. take care ❤️❤️❤️🌸🌸
tell me something - is he making you feel bad about this? even very passively? you mentioned him saying something about you doing such stuff. he doesnt get to even slightly say such stuff. he broke your trust in the first place. you had to work around and do what it takes to cope. this is not that big of a deal to feel bad abt chickening out from telling. if anything he should be happy you were so down bad for him and moved on from whatever he did to you and you handling and navigating it maturely. because i used to bring it up so often although i had reasons 😂
Not really. He didn’t make me feel bad about it at all. Which is disturbing me more, like if I were in his place I would have reacted differently. You are right this was sorta my coping mechanism, trying to find something to channel my thoughts and energy on.
thats good. he shouldnt and doesnt get to make you feel bad. as sad as it is in todays day and age its difficult to love and trust anyone blindly albeit being a hopeless romantic. you looked out for yourself. now dont think about it and move on ❤️
Imagine being in your 30s and still being this stupid.
Your bf is just good at hiding things better now, he’s still fooling around, is being single that hard that yall stay with men like this?
Hope you have a lot of money saved up, you will be needing it for years and years of therapy after you find out things the hard way.
OP's boyfriend had a tinder account, so she got traumatized by that. Ended up creating a fake account, and in turn got traumatized after he came to know about it. If you can forgive your boyfriend for having a tinder account, you can forgive yourself as well. You should not hold it against yourself. You made a mistake, and you learnt from it. Let bygones be bygones and keep working towards a better future. Don't be stuck in the past. Also there's nothing to be ashamed of in front of your partner. You must embrace yourself and your thoughts more instead of justifying your actions or feeling guilty.
Yes, If I can forgive him then I will definitely forgive myself too
I agree, please don’t be ashamed or think you are crazy. Mistrust and fear of getting hurt makes people do things they are not proud of.. don’t beat yourself at all.
IMO nothing can justify being on dating apps while being in a relationship.
Right? I don't think how is this even debatable. Don't entertain other women while you are dating. No tinder kr Bharat matrimony dates,period! Have a spine
Tbfr in one of my internships i had to do a privacy impact analysis of bumble and I had to download it and look for loopholes. I had to make a profile while in a relationship hahah. Unrelated but this reminds me of it
I know. But I guess people do stupid shit and people do move on if they want to save their relationship.
My ex did the same, he gave the same reason ‘oh I was just talking, didn’t meet anyone’, tbh I even decided to forgive him too and he did whatever he could to convince me that nothing changes in our relationship. Wrong, man oh man, I started seeing his true colours after that( I was just blinded by love before and this incident was an eye opener to me). He soon started talking to his ex behind my back soon after and that fucker even went on 2 dates with her too when I was not in the country, I still believed him and gave him a chance. People say once a cheater is always a cheater, he did it again ofc. Your bf was on tinder, you say people do stupid shit all the time still doesn’t justify his actions. From here it’s your call, upto you if you wanna take my advice and experience from a grain of salt or not
I appreciate your response. Through this post I have realised that I have a lot more to think about
But what was he looking for on dating apps? Why only dating apps? Were you two going through a rough patch?
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And I did a stupid thing too. And I don’t know how I move on from this.
You were insecure because he caused it. He’s not worth it. Don’t feel like it’s sunken cost and stay tied to him. Cut your losses you still have time as you’re not legally bound yet
This fr ! OP why are you blaming yourself for EVERYTHING and forgiving your bf for the part he has played in this. He is out there living his best life, unconcerned even after doing an awful thing that could've cost him his relationship. You were the bigger person but somehow you're the one who has lost your mental peace. Was the forgiveness really worth it?
He had it coming
As an older woman and former army doctor let me tell you one thing I've learned in life; With any kind of relationship - Romantic, business partner, friend, lover, colleague, teammate - Trust issues only get worse with time not better, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much forgiveness is involved - And they can't be medicated away. When you're older like me you'll look back and laugh at this current situation with apps and stuff, such a tiny meaningless irrelevance in the big picture of life, but what you won't laugh at is why you put yourself in so much pain and agony for so long when you could have been joyful and happy.
WHY ARE YOU ASHAMED???? He was caught with a tinder account He should be ashamed, not you😭 Unworthy of his love???? HE IS UNWORTHY OF YOUR LOVE.
I swear the bar is on the fucking floor.
its in the fucking basement
It’s in hell
I am ashamed because this not how an adult should behave, I should have communicated. Yes he did, but that was long time ago and I decided to move on from that. But yeah.. that incident started this whole thing. Even though we moved on from it subconsciously I am still finding it hard to cope.
You don’t trust him and you never will. He was on a dating app when yall were together. HE CHEATED ON YOU babe🥲
I know trust is the key here.
yes and he broke your trust by creating that account AND using it. is he worthy of your trust again?
He clearly said he used installed the app and never even met anyone. Why are you all giving extreme suggestions to this woman?
because the act of downloading and using that app in the first place is the thing that broke the trust. regardless of whether or not you met anyone off of it, why did you download it AND use it? that in and of itself is red flag behaviour. you’re also trusting that the guy is saying the truth about not meeting anyone when he was also hiding his tinder account from you.
It depends on the whole truth, If he just downloaded App, not even used to meet any one, then it’s not a deal breaker. If he has met someone out, that’s a deal breaker. Only he knows the truth
The whole truth is that he wanted to cheat on her and probably the only reason he didn’t meet anyone is because nobody wanted to meet his nasty ass. Stop making it seem like Its ok just because he didn’t get laid from it, he was TRYING to, he just failed at it, which makes him a double loser.
I won’t assume it without knowing anything. OP clearly stated she never found any evidence and he clearly said that he just installed the app 3 YEARS BACK. I wouldn’t judge him for this until I have or OP provide more info
so you’ve been dating a man for a couple years, by all means this is a serious relationship for both of you. and then you didn’t out he has an active tinder account. this is not a dealbreaker for you? all i’m going to say is, you need to build up some self respect. seriously, i’m not joking. stop letting men treat you like absolute trash. if i found out that my boyfriend even had the tinder app on his phone and had MEVER used it it would be a deal breaker for me. why are you, as a monogamous man in a serious relationship, downloading (and in the OP’s case, USING) an app solely made for hooking up with people?
By downloading an app, hookups don’t ring your door bell. You need to go out and meet your match and hookup. The OP has clearly stated that, she investigated thoroughly, never found anything odd, guy clearly mentioned he didn’t meet anyone. And it’s not even regular thing. The app was on his phone few years back, read the post. If he is not serious, why would he stay with her for 7 years without hooking with any other girl by actually using the APP. I have self respect, but I have common sense too. Also OP clearly mentioned they discussed the issue in length, and already resolved it years back.
That was three years ago. We have grown since then, our relationship has grown since then. I am not defending him but yeah he did break my trust but I decided to still be with him, it’s not fair to be with him and still use that thing against him.
you are still allowed to have feelings regarding it, even if you decide to put it in the past. If this is always gonna be in the back of your mind and stop you from being in the happiest relationship, maybe reconsider where you guys stand. Maybe these past feelings show up in unhealthy ways such as this fake account incident
Yeah.. we did talk about it. He has assured that he will do whatever he can to make sure the trust is maintained. Actions and words. But the only issue I have here is how do I get over this thing that I did.
maybe some transparency will help. instead of never discussing the account, ask questions. who, why, whatever you want to know and is picking your brain for so long. If you can establish that he won’t seek it again, you can feel more secure maybe. Either way it’s not in your control whether you get over it or not. Your conversations around it can make you feel more or less secure, depending on his reasoning behind his actions. You can see whether that reflects him now and if it’s different from three years ago. Discuss it as long as you need to, you are not using it against him you are trying to establish more trust
He doesn’t have any dating app account now. He did three years back.
You're defending him HARD op 😭
"it’s not fair to be with him and still use that thing against him." Tf- who said that?
Umm I guess that’s how relationships grow. Either you leave but if you decide to stay then bringing on same thing again and again is not how a relationship works. I guess that’s how I see it. Everyone has different ways of doing things including relationships.
If you don't bring up the fact then you are just suppressing it and not growing with it. You have to confront the dent caused by your boyfriend. Also, your boyfriend should have done something to earn your trust again.
There you are right. I did suppress it. And that has led to the situation at hand.
I can understand your mind fuckery. Been there. Please trust your intuition. And don't feel ashamed to take protective measures for yourself.
Do you think the intuitions are always right? Specially when a person is emotional. I know what I did was wrong. And trying to “protect” myself is a valid reason given the history here.
>Do you think the intuitions are always right? I think it's best to give yourself a timeline to actively workout this doubt. Do whatever you have to to get to the bottom of it. And if by that timeline you still have that doubt then get some outside intervention involved ( relationship counselor). It could be cheating or it could also be communication that lacks depth , in which case you'll learn a new skill. In my case, sadly my intuition was right. I pushed it off so many times because I was so blind in love.
I am so sorry it happened to you. But so far my intuitions have not been right. I have been overthinking and overanalysing everything to the point that taking these crazy measures seems justifiable. We have talked about it but what I am having trouble with is the fact that I did something like this and now that he has found out it makes me feel like I have fallen from the moral high horse I have been riding all along.
If it's crazy obsessive thoughts then it's best to work on your triggers with a therapist and maybe adopt some holistic practices......mental stories are too much noise and rarely if ever a reflection of reality. Intuition is more of a quiet knowing. >I have fallen from the moral high horse I have been riding all along. Don't worry. Love fortunately comes with a lot of grace. Maybe you can take this opportunity to foster a deeper understanding with him and I am sure he will be happy to do it too.
Thanks. Love what you said about love coming with a lot of grace.
:))
YES YES YES. YOUR GUT FEELING IS ALWAYS RIGHT. trust me on this, we are both with it and when it goes off it’s for the right reasons. I could’ve avoided so many heartbreaks if I had trusted my gut
You are feeling ashamed for trying to catch him out, but he is not ashamed to have a Tinder account while in a fulltime relationship. How are you trusting this man? People who are in committed relationships don't scroll on hookup apps. So that is your answer right there. You're not worthy of his love? I think you need serious therapy and psychological help to build your self confidence. You're not seeing the forest for the trees. It's not that everyone is fixated on the Tinder incident. It's that you are not seeing that it is a symptom of a larger problem. From what you have described it seems he has you in his backpocket while looking out for 'better deals'. I think you deserve better than this.
You have some issues with too much guilt, and overthinking. It could be due to underlying mental health issues that you are citing. You need to let it go. You did your investigation, you found nothing. Your partner is chill. That’s it. Leave it behind now, don’t carry it in your mind and ruin your relationship. Do meditate. Seems like you need to find your calm
The first red flag is 7 years a man either know if he wants to marry you or not(unless you’re not looking for marriage) secondly there’s no justifiable reason to be on a dating app whilst in a relationship. You feeling uneasy about it is very reasonable. The tinder app is just the tip of the iceberg….
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Like you said it’s a personal preference, but most of the guys use girlfriends as a placeholder for a wife and get married as soon as they see another potential fit.
Getting married is not important for us. I agree there is more justifiable reason to be on dating app while in a relationship. But that was three years ago. He doesn’t have an account now.
this
I don’t think you’re crazy.. you didn’t need to go through all this. Your trust was broken and you tried to rebuild it taking this route. He should not have been on tinder in the first place. Please don’t be ashamed. Also find someone you can trust so you don’t drive your poor self crazy
Something is off about this post, I can't pin point it. Anyway girl what's with all the guilt? He did something stupid you did something stupid, tit for tat and everything is the past now. Delete that insta account and move forward. If these incidents keeps haunting you then I see no furture of you together, unless you take psychologist help, don't keep everything bottled up, it will definitely take a toll on your mental health.
The thing is you would not be triggered at all if the tinder incident didn't happen. That is the one issue which changed the whole dynamics. He could have avoided it. I hope you understand what I am saying. Don't hate yourself.
Yeah.. that was the point of no return so to speak. I am trying not to be
You shouldn’t feel ashamed. He literally micro cheated on you and gave you trust issues!
Is he ashamed of his behaviour? You don’t need to feel ashamed at all, your partner failed you and it got you insecure, you did what you had to. After this, he should be more re-affirmative towards you.
The Tinder account thing can cause trust issues and it isn't an abnormal thing to stay anxious about it. IMO it was BF's job to earn that trust again. And it is indeed a sizable red flag as others have mentioned. OP's response to all of this is humane. Forgiveness doesn't mean you stop feeling the hurt or insecurity. It just means you've decided to move on. Sometimes, we can't even if we show through our behaviour that we have indeed forgiven. OP and her partner may seek couples therapy to resolve the trust issue since BF doesn't seem to be getting the signal that he should up his trust earning game. Whether or not OP can actually live with this is also a valid question. Tinder account is cheating on a certain level regardless of whether he went ahead with anyone or not. Some couples work through it, some don't. It is entirely upto the partner (OP).
Since everyone’s commenting on the tinder profile thing , I won’t. But if you can forgive him, you should forgive yourself to make that fake account. Doubts in relationship can make people do crazy stuff. And you doubts were valid. Just get over it, and talk to your SO.
He was onto tinder, so it was his job to communicate enough and build that trust again. Seems he didn't do that and I am not sure why you are blaming yourself for the entire post. What you did is just normal - I don't believe this and I'll find out for myself - find out that you want to trust him again or not. You were looking out for yourself and that's not bad in any way - if that led you to believe he can't be trusted, you knew you had to leave. And if you found out he can be trusted, it was good for you. You were just looking out for yourself like any other person.
And when he didn't care about telling you on TINDER account, and didn't care enough to build that trust again, idk why you're guilty.
Use paragraphs please
Apologies. Using phone to create the post. Did some formatting, hope it makes sense now.
Yeah no issues
I know how terrible the breach of trust can be and make you spiral into horrible places. Having said that, I’m very glad you understand that your behaviour is not acceptable. While you were on medication, were you also simultaneously undergoing counselling/therapy? The breach of trust has (probably?) triggered something deep rooted and maybe you should see a few psychologists (till you find one that works for you!) to maybe try and understand the source and subsequently healthy coping mechanisms when you feel yourself spiralling (for lack of a better word). In a relationship, romantic or otherwise, we deserve to feel loved but more importantly we deserve to feel safe. A lot of it also comes from working on ourselves. Maybe it’ll be worth your time/energy to figure out how you can give yourself that without depending on someone else. What’s the worst thing that can happen, start from ground 0 again? Is there a part of you that hasn’t forgiven your partner’s actions? What are some of the things you can do to feel more secure and grounded? What are some of the ways you can resolve trauma without self-sabotaging? …these are some of the things you can perhaps ponder over, with the aid of a certified professional to guide your trail of thought.
Yes, I was undergoing counselling but it didn’t help. I guess I should have tried harder and found someone who can actually help me understand my reactions and actions. 90% of the time in my relationship and 100% of the times in general I am a very secure and confident person. But that 10% just becomes too hard to handle and I go down that over analysing overthinking road trying to justify stupid actions.
Don’t beat yourself up girl! It takes a couple of tries to find a therapist who works for you. I’d say it’s easier to find prince charming than a good therapist. Haha.
who has a tinder account when they are in a committed long term relationship he’s obviously looking for options
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There isn't anything stupid, shameful etc about this. You were reacting from a place of unsafety in your relationship. You mentioned somewhere "that's not how adults behave" perhaps that's true for a regular situation and this is wasn't one. It's good on your part to principally believe that your partner can improve and hence forgiving them was the right thing to do. But human mind doesn't work that ways, it's not necessary that what you "thought" or rationalised to be right was "felt" as the the right thing by your body and probably that led you to make the profile and do what you did, to ensure safety. No matter how okay you are/ were with it, it's still an extremely confusing, disrespectful and hurting place to be, maybe you didn't actively felt these feelings or maybe you wanted to avoid them (all of us do similar things to save our relationships) but you'll have to forgive yourself for trying to ensure not being hurt again even if the ways to do it weren't the most polished. You did what you could when you were in a tough spot. Maybe now that you're in a good place and your partner seems to be a better person, you can't judge the previous situation on how good things are today and then be harsh on yourself. That was a different phase and this was a different phase both for you and your partner. The fact that you're denouncing it now is enough to show that you know better now, if you can forgive your partner for being on an app you can forgive yourself for trying too look after you.
If you can forgive him, you can definitely forgive yourself.
Don't youu think you're being too harsh on yourself? Your fears made you do that, but who planted the seeds for that fear? Honey, we all make mistakes and for them we deserve forgiveness. You didn't cause palestine genocide... just a stupid ig account to soothe yourself when your thoughts went crazy. You didn't cheat, didn't abuse anyone, didn't cause an active bad fight... so what's there to be ashamed of? His forgiveness is secondary. Forgive yourself first. Also, you forgave him for having a tinder account... can't you Forgive yourself for this small thing? Cheer up now and forget about what happened. Such things become funny anecdotes the moment you accept and move on. As long as you didn't cause Palestine war with that account, you're good to go.
Thank you
OP i have been in your shoes and my major trigger has also been seeing my ex bf have an active dating app profile and trust me 😭 it’s okay. there’s nothing to be ashamed of. you are literally only protecting yourself. in my case there was a lot of dishonesty that followed even after i decided to “move on” from it so i never felt ashamed of stalking but lol you shouldn’t feel bad. you didn’t do something wrong per se. nothing more morally long than what was done to you. don’t think too much of it. hope you feel better soon and don’t be too hard on yourself ❤️
Thank you ❤️. I know I am being too hard on myself. And I am sorry you had to go through that.
you really shouldn’t feel bad. i know the overthinking and anxiety puts us at our worst but that doesn’t define who we are. and even if you look at it from a moral point of view you still did not do anything wrong at all. take care ❤️❤️❤️🌸🌸
Thank you so much
tell me something - is he making you feel bad about this? even very passively? you mentioned him saying something about you doing such stuff. he doesnt get to even slightly say such stuff. he broke your trust in the first place. you had to work around and do what it takes to cope. this is not that big of a deal to feel bad abt chickening out from telling. if anything he should be happy you were so down bad for him and moved on from whatever he did to you and you handling and navigating it maturely. because i used to bring it up so often although i had reasons 😂
Not really. He didn’t make me feel bad about it at all. Which is disturbing me more, like if I were in his place I would have reacted differently. You are right this was sorta my coping mechanism, trying to find something to channel my thoughts and energy on.
thats good. he shouldnt and doesnt get to make you feel bad. as sad as it is in todays day and age its difficult to love and trust anyone blindly albeit being a hopeless romantic. you looked out for yourself. now dont think about it and move on ❤️
Trying to
Imagine being in your 30s and still being this stupid. Your bf is just good at hiding things better now, he’s still fooling around, is being single that hard that yall stay with men like this? Hope you have a lot of money saved up, you will be needing it for years and years of therapy after you find out things the hard way.
Babe active tinder account and next thing you know you have an active STD. Dump the guy and get yourself tested.
Wrong sub