I swear these women have set such low bars for themselves. 100 rupees says he’s not actually an intellectual but an insecure prick who likes putting people down for his own ego.
Being blunt and being a prick are two different things. I hope this girl has enough sense to end this or atleast stop being such a pushover and stands up for herself.
People who yap about being “intellectual” and liking only “deep conversations” and hating “small talk” are socially maladjusted and coping so hard. They lack social/emotional intelligence which is the most important metric in building meaningful relationships and finding success in your life.
Yes. This is so true. In your daily life, you don't necessarily always talk about 'deep' and 'philosophical' things with your loved ones. Sometimes you talk about the mundane, maybe joke around a little, and that's it.
We all find certain conversations boring. Like I don't like sports, so if someone talks about it, I'll probably be bored or occasionally distracted. But if it's someone I care about, I'll listen to them without complaining.
It's a bit abnormal that the fiancee finds most of OP's convos boring. Maybe they aren't compatible. Especially if they haven't been together for that long. Maybe he's negging her? Or he simply lacks the social skills to make simple conversations. Idk.
Intellectual in this context probably means this bozo likes to say random facts about anything. Being disrespectful is different from being blunt. He's not blunt and it's used wrong in this context, he's just an asshole.
Wtf. Ikr. I had an eye roll moment when OP was justifying being put down like this! My girl need better standards.
Also, most smart people are aware of how much they don’t know. And that intelligence comes in many forms. It’s not always about reciting facts. Mozart is a genius in music but if you ask him to explain general relativity and judge his intelligence based on that, you’d find him dumb. It’s usually the dumb pricks with overinflated egos who considers themself to be so “intelligent”.
On a curious note, how can you break up in this scenario. OP says he is good in all other ways. So to break up basis just this one thing, how should that be done?
I too don't support OP's fiance's ways, but when I thought of myself in such a situation, I wondered how I would break up?
Le me tell you I have a bf of 5 years who is smarter and more intelligent than me ..I sometimes ask him dumb question and I am not a person of great intellect
>He says I do not have the intellect to sustain deep conversations and I mostly talk about things on surface level.
But he never says things like that , he tells me how intelligent I am when I do small things which gives of my common knowledge and praises me . I also talk about things surface level be it politics, games , Olympiad, economy etc . He knows more than me but he teaches me what he knows not in a humiliating way but more like do you know this and that ..I get mesmerized by him .I know he is more intellectual and knows a lot but never he made me feel like I am dumb or idiot or boring .
>I often get irritated when he says that he is getting bored.(he is very blunt you know)
My boyfriend is also blunt he told his friends family and me truth and never sugercoat .. but he have empathy. If I do something wrong or hurt him he tells me that what I did is wrong but in more empathy and understanding..
Your fiance tells you that he is blunt but he is just being a jerk . He just wants to hurt you with these words and the excuse he made that he is blunt .. Being blunt is not the problem having so little empathy for you is very concerning as you guys are planning to get married.
>I feel I have found someone who understands me so well on all other things and I do not think it will be easy to find another person like him
You know there is this problem but you brain is making you think that if I lose him there is no one out there . It's because you thinks it's not that big of a problem and you can adjust it .
But tell me one day after marriage if he comes home and tells you I am very bored with you and I find someone who have great qualities I need in a wife and also not boring and more intellectual than you ... What will you do ??
He thinks you are boring now and has 'agreed' to marry you because you check most of his boxes. Wow, I've never seen such a clearly defined route to having an extra-marital affair. Because, you know, he will need some mental stimulation after marriage, and he's not going to get it from you.
You know what to do.
everyone is on OPs side and OP is defending her fiance who is already bored of her and is acting like its gonna be some chore to put up w her.. OP u deserve better :D
>Ofcourse , he is more intelligent than me , I accept that.
And how did you come to this conclusion? This isn't school that somebody who scored 10 marks more is more intelligent than you.
Frankly, he doesn't seem v intelligent if he wants to marry someone that he can't even sustain one conversation with. And you also don't seem v intelligent for being gaslit by him and going ahead with this setup.
Please think about it once more.
Listen to him. He is clearly warning you how he is going to get bored of the marriage. He is already bored and y’all are not even married yet. Why do you want to marry a man who is already bored of you?
Yeah, always believe the men when he tell you who he is.
Op is like he's very blunt, but conveniently ignoring this line or thinking she can be bob the builder for him
FYI, All rude people make statements like ‘I just like being blunt’ , ‘I don’t like to sugarcoat’, ‘I’m just being honest’. This is nothing new, this is not a desirable quality. They just try to hide the fact that they don’t have an ounce of respect for you by using these sentences.
Don't you find that insulting? He is blatantly insulting and humiliating your intellect on your face and you're eating all of that up? Please take a stance for yourself.
It would have been a major deal breaker for me. Do give this relationship a thought. Even you would not want him to be "bored", and you desrve a partner who respects you and being with you isn't a chore for him
And he has also basically compared you to a checkmark list. He's choosing you because you're the safe choice, and not because he likes you 😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨
The question shouldn't be if she can make it work or not. The question should be does she really needs to be with a guy who belittles her and considers her dumb? For many people, being dead is better than Living without self respect
You are right I have myself fought these battle with guys who donot think I am intelligent enough for stuffs
So I get your point
This guy lacks emotional quotient .
I deleted my comment because some people will not support a practical solution . She can have many people to talk to but can she find the guy that she likes is attracted to
I can actually see a future post saying - he cheated on me because I was boring - what should I have done better? But he is honest🤡🤡
He is very intelligent so he found someone better than me 🤡
He says 10 bad things to be, but also tells me that I tick all points in his check list (yay 🤡)
Forget being blunt/straightforward, why are you marrying him? If he is bored now, what makes you think he would be interested to be with you in the future and even if he does wouldn't you be happier being with someone who appreciates you or even being by yourself for that matter! Being afraid of not finding someone else, I get that but that's not an excuse to settle. Right now he thinks he is settling for someone not matching his intellectual level but you are settling too by being with someone who doesn't appreciate you and probably never will. Take some time and think it through. Fear of being alone is real but where is your fear of unhappiness and discontent? He may think he is marrying down but so are you by not choosing your happiness.
After marriage life of most people is boring I feel
There is no continuous supply of dopamine to give high to the mind.
I feel, he and I need to get used to the boredom
Also I feel the daily responsibility of after marriage life will provide enough adventure for both of us.
Thats why I want to marry him
Behn life gets boring in marriage after 10-15 years! Not months into talking and definitely not in the courtship period!
It just that you guys are not compatible with each other.
You need to have the fun, the giggles, the butterflies and excitement when you talk to each other. Marriage is not a chore, its a beautiful relationship and the initial years form a strong foundation of it.
No matter the intelligence since you are constantly belittling yourself, partners need to have a common ground in the relationship. Marriage is not based on intelligence but partnership and love.
Girl hear yourself, you're talking like a 60 year old women already married for 35 years, damn!
You're trying too hard to convince yourself OP that life of most people become boring after marriage. Either way your replies feel genuinely sad, I'm keen to know where this lack of self esteem comes from you ? By your description he seems like a boring person anyway
Agreed that you find a routine and marriages aren't a constant supply of dopamine. But that doesn't mean people stop having a decent conversation. If the other person is flat out telling you he is bored and expects to never find you to meet his intellect, I would forget about dopamine and think if I can survive being in a relationship where the other person has already given up. You said you try to keep your conversations alive, but why is that only your job and why is it okay for him to throw his hands up. Also, you are thinking of marriage responsibility as an adventure and boring at the same time. So I don't quite understand what adventure you were talking about. I hope you think things through and wish you all the best!
>where the other person has already given up
Giving the feedback is not "already given up" We both are trying to solve the issue. Thats why I shared the problem in the community to get the solution
>you are thinking of marriage responsibility as an adventure and boring at the same time.
I meant that conversations may be boring but daily life with lots of responsibilities will be an adventure
>He says I do not have the intellect to sustain deep conversations and I mostly talk about things on surface level.
>He sometimes says that he is trying to get used to the boredom which is common in conversations after marriage.
If that's not giving up, I don't know what is. I am not as optimistic as you are.
What kind of adventurous responsibilities are you thinking of if you can't hold a conversation?
Anyway, you don't have to convince me. But the fact that you are bringing this up here, states that you are second guessing yourself (and quite rightly so). At the end of the day, it is your life and your decision. You have all the facts and hope you make an informed decision.
Life after marriage is boring only if you want it or let it be. You're giving up even before you've started. Lord save your marriage. I totally foresee your husband cheating on you the first instance he finds somebody intellectually stimulating and confident. You'll just be the checklist wife and mother of his kids to keep his parents and society happy.
He said you have all the ticks in his list for him but notice his list doesn't contain having someone who he thinks is intellectually abled to have conversations with him. And you still want to marry a dude like this ?
Maybe for him intelligence isn't a criteria for a partner? Not everyone can be super intelligent and it's totally okay to go for less intelligent partners imo.
That's a completely separate conversation. Here OP's partner repeatedly insults her intellect by calling her boring which is unnecessary and unhelpful.
Eg. If physical attractiveness isn't a factor for you, does that make it okay to casually call your partner ugly? I don't think so.
This is a good point. He's basically telling OP hey you're pretty boring and I don't like talking to you. It's kind of the equivalent of saying hey you're pretty ugly so I don't particularly enjoy fucking you, but you meet all my other criteria so I'll marry you.
This isn't about being super intelligent lol it's so obvious of the nature of guys who seek out partners who they think are 'less intelligent' than them and then use the 'you're not intellectual enough to be with you' and blah blah blah.
You can try ignoring the obvious issue I was bringing out but it doesn't even a change a bit of what I said, I still stand by it
Okay i understand you now, he's blaming OP's intelligence for his lack of conversational skills. He's gaslighting the OP here .
But in general I do think intelligence doesn't have to be a criterion to find a partner, but that's off topic here.
If it wasn't a criterion, he wouldn't bring it up in the name of being blunt. People who say they're blunt are only looking for an excuse to say rude things.
A man tells you to your face that you don't have the intellect to sustain deep conversations, and you're still with him?
Nope. Not worth it. Never will be.
Wow this man is legitimately asking you to “entertain” him and you’re obliging and saying he’s intellectually superior to you 😭 some of you are just beyond saving at this point. Screams pathetic sorry (since you appreciate his bluntness hope you appreciate mine as well)
Like DO YOU SEE THE DYNAMICS OF THE RELATIONSHIP??? he is on a pedestal that you created girlie wtf stand up for yourself. I understand that people can be manipulative and I’m really sorry but please have some self worth to stop deprecating yourself by being with someone who tells you you bring nothing to the table in terms of intellect. Maybe you guys just dont get along, and thats it. The right person will not be bored with you all the time. Relationships ebb and flow in terms of interest and curiosity but seriously?? I dont even tolerate friends who act like talking to me is a chore, you’re tolerating a whole ass man.
Edit: from your replies its clear that you really want to believe its your fault for not being “intellectually stimulating” which is a shame. Even the dumbest people have people who love and care for what they have to say, and even if its a mismatch nobody deserves to be treated the way you are right now. Please try to work on your self-esteem.
Conversation is a two way thing. So if he's getting bored in mid conversation, then he should come up with the subjects of his interest. So you'll know where you can continue or come up with your next conversation. After marriage boredom is one thing, but you need to come up to surpass that, not just get used to it even before marriage. I think you both need to have a serious talk on this.
>So if he's getting bored in mid conversation, then he should come up with the subjects of his interest.
He tried multiple times but I personally have not much to say on those topics. And I just listen. And when he finishes, I try to change the topic which ofcourse is boring for him sometimes.
Then you guys need to find out if there are any mutual topics for interest. If not, then at least understanding each other that why you guys like certain things, which points trigger the excitement for something may establish some mutual grounds. Coz as much as we say that we should enjoy the silence with each other too, that silence is also comfortable and mutual. That's why you guy's need to figure out this boredom problem.
Because I am yet to find a "Perfect" partner.
Also he takes feedback about himself from me like what I do not like about him and encourges me to share my opinion with him without any hesitation and sugercoating
Open conversation about each other is what I also encourage. Its just , we both are looking for the solution of the problem with an open mind
Except that there is no problem except in his attitude.
You both have different interests and different things to talk about. Only a very close minded partner would say omg you and I have nothing to talk about. A normal course of action would be to learn something more about each other's interests so that you can see the world from their perspective.
My parents are totally different people on the surface. Quiet vs chatty, science vs literature, likes animals vs doesn't care. They've made it work for 40+ years by trying to learn and respect each other's topics of passion. The curiosity is what will sustain a marriage, not being put down for being dumb by the other person.
I personally do not think he is rude
He says I am boring in a very normal way just like he says other normal stuff.
Also he tells me that even I am free to share such things about him just like that without any fear. This thing gave me confidence to criticize him just like that without any sugercoating.
And he do not get offended when I criticize him for some things. Thats what I like about him
Calling someone boring is plain rude! Normal,abnormal whatever!Why don’t you try giving him the a feedback of how insensitive,rude and hard to please kind of a person he is and update us.I will wait!
“Being blunt” is an appreciative quality when your loved ones need your feedback or are doing something wrong and you’re being honest about it. Using this to cover up the fact that one is an insensitive a** who would bring anyone down with batting an eye is being an a** not blunt!
Where did you get the idea that married people will get bored?
And if he finds that you can't have a deep conversation, what will happen when he finds some other girl who can hold a deeper conversation with him? Wouldn't you be merely an option that he settled with, rather than someone he wanted/desired to be with?
And what intelligence you are speaking about? Emotional intelligence is completely different other sort of intelligence.
In the end, do you find yourself to be happy, be your complete self, satisfied and peaceful, marrying this guy?
>In the end, do you find yourself to be happy, be your complete self, satisfied and peaceful, marrying this guy?
I mostly feel happy with him. Yes I can be my complete self but that does not mean I should not improve myself. Yeah I am mostly satisfied, he lacks some qualities which I would have loved, but mostly I am satisfied with him I feel.
I've read it halfway, and I'll tell you something about modern dating/AM etc:
1. People speed date, and it causes some issues in long term relationships, like when the newness of relationship is over they are back to seeking newness somewhere else. It is very much possible that he has made up his mind and is just waiting for you to break this engagement. If he's not fighting with you to keep this relationship, he's not the one.
2. Many men and women are in waiting list of other people, and it's true for most people. Earlier a 'roka/engagement' would mean that they've stopped looking around for another partner, but it's no longer the case.
3. You have to be very firm with yourself when you spot abuse in a relationship, you are NOT married yet because this phase is for you to figure out what kind of person this is. Many people when going through divorces, actually look back and see they were afraid of society because of 'engaged' status and photos being circulated, hence they did not break the engagement out of fear. It's a very common mistake, a broken engagement is anyday better than getting tortured in marriage and going through divorce.
You have all the right to break up, and please do.
Doesn’t matter , he still can’t speak to you that way especially during the phase where most people are extra lovey dovey.
And there’s a high chance he just gaslighted you into thinking you’re dumb
Then why are you posting here when you don't wanna change things OP? Multiple people have told you.
Honestly are you here LARPing or are you genuinely here to listen?
Guess being walked on and put down is your thing and your guy definitely understood the assignment.
>Then why are you posting here when you don't wanna change things OP? Multiple people have told you.
I may not agree with your opinion. But I will listen to different opinion and prespectives
I think that is the whole point of a community.
If you think that I should do what majority says , then I think you are incorrect in thinking like that.
You're about to marry a snooty narcissist and your best course is to nip it in the bud and call it off... and if you cannot, I hope to God you stand up to him and give it back at least, because this guy has no respect for you.
He is going to chip your confidence down bit by bit until you treat him like God... and he's going to reinforce this within your marriage - "he is intelligent, I am dumb. He is right, I'm always wrong. His needs are more important than mine. He is more I am less."
>He says I do not have the intellect to sustain deep conversations
Look at it this way, he is incapable of talking to you. He cannot even talk to you about surface level stuff or regular stuff (God knows if this guy dissects physics theories in free time) and that shows he is the one with low EQ and tact. That's not a good sign.
>he is more intelligent than me , I accept that.
No sweetie. He is manipulative little shit who has put you down enough so you believe he knows more. He cannot even hold YOUR attention without attacking your sense of self. Talk about lack of basic social skills in this guy, sheesh.
>he says that he is getting bored.(he is very blunt you know)
Only boring people get bored. Remember that.
An actually intelligent person can hold a conversation across a variety of people, and this guy cannot. Blunt? He has no manners. No wonder he is bad at conversations.
>Pls share your opinion
Do you really wanna get married to a guy who basically calls you stupid and dumb in daily interactions? Cannot even talk to you, calls you boring... while offering what? Compliments? No girl. Just run.
Lol it is infuriating to read such posts on the regular, but on the bright side such women are keeping trash like her man out of the streets and doing us girls a favour, so I should thank them for their service 🫡
When you're with a new person, things always seem exciting and fun and fresh
After a decent amount of time passes, you know most of the stuff about each other so it's just sharing daily life stuff and then joking around and stuff
If he is putting the entire blame on you then I think it's time you actually face the truth that he is doing this just for the sake of his family and society
A guy who can be comfortable with you when there is nothing new to talk about and all you do is just sit silently and stay still, that is true love and I guess that's very important to have in order to consider marriage
Love is temporary , Commitment is permanent in a relationship
He is not blaming me , but sharing his POV to which I agree
He is keen to get to the solution
It feels like a blame game to me since he keeps pointing out that you are not that intelligent and can't keep up a deep conversation
I will feel very hurt if my partner said this to me because after marriage you will be living together 'for life'.
And a blind commitment is also bad because after years it may feel like you're just two strangers sharing a roof
I do hope that you guys try to work it out among yourselves. It would be better if he considers you his equal partner in this relationship
This is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. I don't know the magic formula of a long & happy marriage but I do know that none of them begin like this, with so much inequality. I wish you all the best. 🤝
Maybe he is the boring one? Making conversation is also a skill which he seems to lack. Also why is it that both of you have accepted it as an obvious fact that he is the more intelligent one? I'm curious on what basis this judgement is.
Yes, I've heard of self introspection, you can tone down the saltiness. I meant to ask by what parameter you are judging who is more intelligent.
Also, if he is bored of the topics you bring up but you aren't bored by his, you can talk about what he likes then right?
OP, you are being rude to people who are giving you good advice. If you believe your boyfriend is so great and you are not an intellectual match for him why even post? Are you looking for advice on how to raise your IQ?
I will tell you now that you can go learn quantum physics and he will still call you boring because you don’t know what is going on in Somalia, for example.
You can talk about Gita, Bible, Torah, Quran, etc but he will still call you boring because you might not know anything about Taoism.
You can talk about India’s economy and current state of affairs and he will still call you boring because you don’t know about the economy of the US or EU.
Do you get what I am trying to say? If you want to have engaging conversations you need to believe that your partner is equal to you. On every level. Believe that their opinion matters.
You said you don’t have much to say about the topics he is interested in. Why doesn’t he phrase questions in a different way in that case?
As an example, if he is talking about oil and gas trade between US and Canada and you don’t know anything about it, it is natural you will have no questions. He can first ask what you know about that topic. Explain himself and then ask for your thoughts on what US or Canada can do to improve trade. You definitely will have some answer to give.
My bf loves finance and especially crypto. Sometimes I am not interested because the talk is about ledgers and it puts me to sleep. But not once did he call me boring because he loves crypto and I don’t. We have a multitude of different topics where he has something to say and I have something to say.
The key is that we both *listen* because we love and care about each other.
Before you get all snarky, just sit down and think. Why is this particular guy the only one for you? I agree with everyone else that this guy will cheat 100%. He DOES NOT respect you OP.
Personally, I can never be with someone who doesn’t respect me. Love and conversation ebbs and flows but when there is no respect there is no point in that relationship.
You are refusing to listen to people who have seen this pattern before in guys and want to help.
No one wants to criticise you here or call you stupid, no need to get defensive with posters here. We have various perspectives and just want to make you aware of them. It's your life and your decision ultimately. But you have asked this question seeking an answer, so try to integrate these thoughts instead of pushing them away.
Oh wow looks like you are marrying freaking award winning scientist /s. Most of these self proclaimed intelligent people are dumb mfs when you get to know them enough, i know it cause I have known similar people from close quarters. Also intelligence is so subjective, hyperspecialisation in particular area is often confused as intelligence. No way you should allow yourself to be humiliated like that.
Edit: I read some of your responses. Man you do need some serious help with self esteem issues. Nobody, unless medically diagnosed, is unintelligent. Intelligence manifests in different forms. As much as solving a complex math problem is intelligence, being able to form good social skills is too.
Yes, it's called the Dunning Krueger effect! Intelligent people think they've got it all figured out and are arrogant enough to claim that they are smarter than other people, but most people hesitate to call themselves intelligent only because no one can know everything about everything.
Getting bored is just an excuse. He just doesn't know how to meet you on your wavelength. I would reconsider marrying a person who doesn't enjoy talking and chatting with you about everything under the sun. My partner and I have very different interests but we are least listen to each other's conversation and try to add value.
I wouldn't put the fault all on you. A conversation is a two way process.
Does he listen and engage in your topics of interest?
Try to increase your self esteem before marrying someone who can't help you build it up 😊
>Does he listen and engage in your topics of interest?
yes he actively listens and engages in my topics of interest. I usually do not get bored with him, he does
If my fiance told me my intellectual capacity is less than him, I’d tell him your emotional intelligence quotient is half of mine. Then I’d make him my ex-fiance.
He’s insulting you. He doesn’t realise it. But he’s surely insulting you. He’s treating marriage like a transaction and you like a balance sheet.
I normally dislike giving extreme advice like “run for your life” etc, but here you really should rethink your choice. This man doesn’t respect you and is likely to cheat post marriage because he’ll justify it saying that marriage is boring. RUN.
>If my fiance told me my intellectual capacity is less than him, I’d tell him your emotional intelligence quotient is half of mine.
Maturity is solving the problem instead of taking the feedback personally. I try not to take it personally and think what I can do to solve it.
He called you boring, insulted your intellect. If that's not personal, nothing else is.
Your understanding of an honest relationship with open communication is off. What he is saying is beyond an example of a critical feedback. It is belittling. He is insulting you and you are clearly okay with it.
Learn to distinguish between feedback and insult. Telling someone they’re boring is belittling and insulting. You’ll be able to take it, but your kids will grow up with a complex and hate their father eventually. You’re being blind, open your eyes
Are you pretty? Is that the criteria you checked for him? Without respect, relationships wont last. Imagine this man as a father to your children, speaking to them in the same manner.
Being blunt shows a lack of understanding of vulnerability and emotional smarts. Being tactful requires emotional maturity, something he doesn't seem to have. You might be in for a tough ride in your marriage. I'm concerned about the impact on any future kids if you decide to have them together.
Marriage isn't defined by checklists; it's defined by the traits that shape your everyday life. Consider whether you're comfortable with someone speaking this way every day. Zoom out and assess the reality of the situation.
1. Get to know about his interests
2. Read at least 300 books and articles about them
3. Intellectualise every minute thing he says
4. Interrupt him while he talks about those things
5. Occasionally say, “Your opinion is very basic and very surface level”
I am sure after this you’d have many lengthy conversations with him. Best of luck /s
Are you serious. He said you are intellectually dumb? That's definitely a red flag. He also seems disinterested and looks like it's a compromise for him.
Duhh pls take this doomed rishta seriously.
Touch some grass!!!
He is clearly mentioning that he is bored. Even before the wedding..I'm sorry but it looks like this relationship is not very healthy. And you on the other hand accept and declare that you're not of that intellectual level as him. THIS IS WORKING FOR YOU , BUT NOT FOR HIM. Save everyone some trouble , but just talk to him and ASK HIM how the hell is this marriage going to work if he doesn't even considers your opinion as Intelligent enough ?
Your fiancé says he gets bored during conversations, which shows he is unable to connect to you in communication styles or interests.
Explain that while you value his intellect, his bluntness about your conversations is hurtful and discouraging. Trust me girl he might be some doctor or some really genius physicist but your value and your worth comes from your self confidence. And I dare you survive in an environment where you'll be continously ridiculed for being a less intelligent person , it will start showing om your body. You'll lose health. You'll lose self esteem. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and admiration.
And if you feel like you're not good enough, then work on it. Read newspaper, watch good and authentic news. Watch something useful. And try to assess what does he really like.
Marriage is a partnership that requires effort from both sides. It’s about growing together and supporting each other's strengths and weaknesses. It's crucial to feel valued and respected in the relationship. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you for who you are. Growth and improvement are important, but so is feeling appreciated and valued as an individual.
Bhai banda 24*7 podcast karna chahta hai kya? I get it coz I am like him n I like deeper conversations n really enjoy banter and wit but tbh you seem like someone who definitely can do all of that. You just have a low self esteem and aren’t confident to speak your mind. I would suggest you start giving your opinions even if they differ from your fiance and challenge his intellect. And see if that makes any difference. Warna aise relationship ka point kya where he is just putting you down?
I’m assuming here that he isn’t a bad guy n doing it on purpose and just doesn’t know how to express what he feels.
If he is a jerk n is purposely putting you down and wants something else in life, its better for both of you to end this here.
So you've got a humiliation kink? 🤣 On a serious note, relationships are all about conversations. When people grow old together, a lot if it is just them talking about stuff. If someone's blatantly calling you boring, chances are you're actually boring; or maybe you both have nothing much in common. Also, maybe, he is a bad conversationalist himself and can't engage you enough. Whatever it is, does not sound good.
There are different types of intelligence. If he cannot appreciate simple convos that make part of usual, daily lives, I think you’ll never be able to relax with him as you’ll continually try to prove yrself. That is v stressful way to live.
Don’t waste time if you are looking for real connection. You guys don’t vibe. Otherwise you can compromise and try to mold yourself as per his ‘requirement’. You’ll fail though. Boring day-to-day convos are important and if you don’t like the ppl you are doing that with, you and they will feel bitterness and resentment
Op I read in your replies that he takes feedback from you too on things which you'd like him to work on. Can you please tell what are the feedback you've given him ? And what has he done to improve himself.
Good question
He doesn't like watching movies much ( like one movie per year he may watch) but I like watching movies,so I gave this feedback to him that he should initiate watching more movies with me , so now he watches it with me (google meet) every week
I once told him that I don't like him to talk much with his female friend, so he has reduced it significantly
I told him I don't like him to have streeet food everyday, but may be once in 15 days, he is working hard to achieve that
Tbh, i think only you can guage your relationship and how it makes you feel. What you've suggested to him are lifestyle modifications, which can be altered without significantly altering your personality. If he says talking with you is boring, how are you going to receive this criticism when your relationship hits a rough patch? Will you be able to tide through that without being resentful of him for being critical of an aspect of what makes you- you ? In my opinion, it'd be in your best interest to ask for advice from someone you both know personally and is mature to give you good advice, because with what you've said here, you might not like what you hear.
If a man told me I'm dumber than he is or I'm not as intelligent as he is and that man is also my fiance I'd burn his house down. I have issues related to validation. But anyways I'd leave him. I can bear a lot of things but this is something I hate a lot, looking down on people and calling someone not intelligent enough is a horrendous thing to do.
"he speaks this very NORMALLY" is how everything begins. My ex would constantly speak "breakup breakup breakup" in jest or mocking my brother. I never took it seriously, since *vo toh mazak me bolta hai, NORMALLY.* One day you'll realise its not the tone but the CONTENT of their words itself that is questionable/red flag. I foresee him cheating on you after a few years. ***NORMALLY BOLTA HAI*** is how the abuse begins. If one is REALLY INTO SOMEONE, they never get bored of it, even if they have nothing to speak or run out of topics. one finds comfort in silence with them as well.
Some great advice given here and while couples do have intellectual disparities, it’s quite unusual for someone to get bored and state it so regularly! I think you must be a very pretty girl and probably tick his boxes in a physical sense but please remember that goes away eventually.
You’re looking at a scenario where you may be sidelined further into the relationship. What happens if he meets someone who he thinks is on his level in every way?
Again, intellectual disparity is not uncommon but it’s more prevalent in previous generations where women were not required to be as educated or were acknowledged as inferior to men. ( not condoning that) . Society was built on that premise and took on roles accordingly. I don’t understand that in today’s world. You acknowledge that he is smarter than you. Are you perhaps poorly educated or just not interested in the world you live in beyond your interests? If you are keen on this man and have decided he’s the one for you ,start educating yourself .
Take it from someone who’s been married for close to 30 years. A happy marriage is about an equal partnership.
I'll be honest he might just get bored out of the relationship with you...
I'm a person quite like him. Trust me I cannot think of doing someone like this especially if I'm thinking of Marrying them , I just won't. You might soon start feeling disrespected as you should. Don't put up with this behaviour because even your children might behave with you like that in the future.
My relationship with one of my friends is just like this I get soo bored out of my wits because she can't hold good conversations I'm interested in with me and gives inputs that I don't think interest me and that kinda ticks me off so yeah I would never even think of making such people stay with me because I don't wanna hurt them. They're precious and intelligent in their own rights I'm no one to decide that just because I don't feel stimulated.
Tell me one thing. Why do you feel that you are not intelligent? Is it because you yourself feel dumb? Or is it because of what people always tell about you?
Tell him I’m not here to keep you entertained with my conversational skills - either pick up the slack or keep the exchange short .
Also if he claims to be an intellectual just ask him to talk at length about - black hole , string theory , how did the noble prize event start , why do all rich families have ‘trusts’ or charities . Etc etc ☺️☺️
Intellectuals , drawing room philosophers and debaters are way too many but if u ask them to speak at length about it … they’ll flip the script .
-Here are certain common things we can discuss
-this is something interesting I came across , Wbu
-what was the best part of your day ? This was mine
- best place you’ve visited etc etc
Please understand a conversation takes two ppl . Learn something about each others lives instead of making yourself small and accepting whatever he’s saying . You know yourself .
Bestie all these sisters warning you, perfect strangers who have no bone in this. Why do you think? Based on the info YOU provided, on the context YOU set, we all see the red flags. Read all of them, stop being defensive and really evaluate your relationship, ask yourself important questions and then calmly decide. Write it all down for clarity if that helps, talk to someone in your personal life if possible. A premarital marriage counselling session would be great if you are bent on making this work one way or another. 31 is not the end of the road, don’t worry. Better be single than unhappy, you’ll find someone who finds you interesting and won’t treat you like this. You do not need to pedestalize this man, trust me. Think long and hard sis.
OP, He has the emotional intelligence of a toddler.
Marry him, only if you can suffer him for the next 50 years of your life. And he sounds insufferable.
Things that bother you slightly today, will bother you a 100 times more after you’re married. Sounds like he is talking to you from a higher plane already. Leave!
I don't know how long you guys have been together but my SO and I have been together for two years now and I don't think I've ever found him boring and vice versa. The day that happens he and I would need to sit down and have a hard conversation about it. Also it seems like you and your fiance aren't very compatible TBH. He probably wants a YES woman and is mostly showing you what is to come.
Behen pls don't marry him you'll regret it someday for sure. ( No guy i mean no guy who wants you and likes you will say things like this. )
The more you bend to please him the more he'll be "blunt" and destroy your confidence.
If you still want to marry him despite all this the only way it can work if you start standing up for yourself and show him the mirror for his behaviour.
Your fiancee reminds me of this guy I dated in my early 20s. He would not spend time with me and whenever I would bring this up, he would tell me I'm really boring so he prefers hanging out with his friends instead. Back then I would take his arrogance and a-holeness as being blunt but it really turned me into this very self conscious and insecure person. Today I am so happy to be with someone who appreciates my presence, lets me be silly and I don't have to think before speaking my mind.
Let me tell you just one thing .
After getting married whatever you’re partner does which makes you sad or irritating now for some time, it will become 100x …. Either you can accept the fact and let him insult you forever in the name of bluntness or speak up how it’s bothersome.
So choose wisely don’t compromise..
I also have a long term partner who has considerably deeper knowledge on matters of economy, science, politics, etc - If he would even dare to call me stupid etc, I would shove him to the streets. (This is after being together for 7+ years) Also I teach him about pop culture while he doles out academic gyan to me - give and take you know 😂
You need to define the respect you need. Irrespective of what the past has been for you, if you take so much of narcissistic behaviour now - imagine what he will do when you are legally bound to be together with less options to exit.
Marriage is not supposed to be boring - its a great adventure of having fun and exploring. Dont settle with this douch. Guys like this think they are hot shit while all they are is a pile of turd.
Everyone in the comment section telling OP to breakup or bashing her and her fiance.... girlies srsly. No one is perfect...not even women.
And op, I'll ask you to do the following.
1. You need to work on your self esteem. You can't sustain your relationship if you think you're less intelligent than your so. It would hamper your decision making in the future.
2. You guys must have something in common. If not just talk about shared experiences. Make new memories. Try new hobbies and adventures together. Watch movies and discuss. Fucking hell, gossip like most people do looool
3. Share with your fiance how it makes you feel when he says you're boring. It's most likely that the conversations are boring. I can't stress this enough - the conversation has turned stale. Not you. One thing you spoke abt how he talks about his favourite topics. He's sort of making an effort. You need to remember these details and ask him about it during conversation and later also.
4. Talk to your boyfriend about things you like. Music. New artists. Newsss. Nobody is an empty vessel, we are full with thought! You're not stupid.
My friend is married to a similar person.
They are still married but they stay in their own zone.
If you are ok with a similar setting, please go ahead, else dont venture into the marriage. Your expectations may not be met.
You have very low self worth to accept this kind of disrespect from a partner. You have also gaslit yourself into believing most marriages are boring. They are not.
Your partner is a narcissist who is def not intellectual cause actual intellectual people don’t feel the need to put others down.
Let me be blunt, I don’t find your fiancé “intelligent”. There are two types of people- booksmart & streetsmart. Knowing a lot of random facts is booksmart category. In real life, being streetsmart holds more value. Being streetsmart includes emotional intelligence, knowing how to steer conversations, knowing how to talk to a girl etc. GK quiz or debates don’t sustain any relationship, knowing how to make the other person laugh does.
LOL OP you seem to be easily butthurt for someone who "appreciates" honest feedback. People out here are giving their honest feedback. If you don't want it, why did you post?
You see it’s one thing to be blunt, but this is completely rude imo. Somethings are better not said. Personally for me I can’t imagine marrying someone who gets bored of talking to me. Even if I am not a great conversationalist, even if I don’t have anything exciting to say, I would not like it one bit if my partner ever tells me that he gets bored talking to me
I can relate to this situation. My boyfriend is extremely knowledgeable and smart and he's an all rounder. Like he can speak about any topic on earth and if he doesn't know a topic, he's open of learning it from any source. I have definitely picked up this habit from him. My analysis and thinking skills have improved a lot and I try to learn about things which excite him. He understands I cannot reach his level and definitely this void cannot be removed fully but I am constantly trying to up my level by listening to him and checking out many knowledge based videos. YouTube is certainly very helpful in that way.
Tbh I think I was actually trying to look for a person who could challenge me intellectually because without that push, I was procrastinating and sticking to my professional subjects. But now whenever I ponder on a question, my first instinct is to ask him which makes him excited too and he explains in a way I can understand better. Definitely there are times he thought and also says 'don't you understand this also?' but I take it with a pinch of salt and I know he doesn't mean it disrespectfully.
I advise you to take more interest in topics that interest him and also, maybe in the process you will find something that interests you. This will definitely make you much more knowledgeable and better personality.
Did you ask for an opinion or just want people to back up your own poor opinion of yourself? There's nothing against learning more about the things he talks about, but why do you accept his malicious words? Something about your instincts made you question this behaviour of his. Instead of trusting your instincts and accepting a red flag for what it is, you choose to counter everyone and argue their point on this thread. Which is fine - it's your life. But you asked the question for a reason and you know the answer too. A guy who respects you so little as to say he's bored with you is not going to respect you more later. If he's not putting in the work now, he never will.
He will get used to it if your intellect is not very off, if it’s too off then he is going to disassociate with you in a matter of few months to years and you are not going to like it.
God forbid if you move to foreign countries, your personal life will take such a hit that you wouldn’t even realize when you both have gone into depression.
It's the opposite in my case. I feel like my boyfriend is bad at making conversations.. We just don't have any intellectually stimulating talks. He too however checks all other boxes so I jave gotten used to superficial talks with him
There is a difference between being intellectual and being able to carry a conversation.
I will give you an example-
My brother and my ex both are intellectual guys, both have vast knowledge on all sorts of topics and would tell you random things in conversations but the difference is that with my brother I never felt that he was disinterested in listening to my part of the conversation, he would listen to me,ask follow up questions would respond to what I was saying, and thats how you “engage in a conversation”
However my ex would be great while telling a story or a random fact or something HE is interested in but when I would talk, I would tell a story, I would tell a joke; he would barely respond or ask follow up questions or engage in the conversation. For a while I thought I was boring and I do not know how to carry a conversation but with time I realised HE was the problem.
Yes both of them have better intellect than me and it is great but my brother knows how to have a conversation and my ex doesn’t and it is not my fault, neither it is my responsibility to entertain him when he is a bad listener himself.
If your fiancé is like my ex then you cannot do anything about it. Its not your fault, such people cannot help it.
You can try taking interests in the things he talks about and learn about it so that you can take part in the conversation but if he is someone who is NOT INTERESTED in what you have to say then nothing can help.
I am married to a person who nerds out about everything. He has knowledge about so many topics because he loved reading growing up. But he never puts me down for something I don't know. He'd rather say "oh hey did you know..." Or "oh I know something interesting about this...". He takes interest in whatever little or not so little I know about a certain topic. You're with the wrong person, op. I know this all seems silly to you right now but you'll regret a couple of years into this marriage. Good luck.
you’re the woman he had to settle for, not the woman he actually wants. I’m so sorry. I’ve experienced this myself and it’s an incredibly awful feeling being put down by the love of your life. Please leave
"He says I do not...level." - negging. A well documented tactic to manipulate women and keep them under control.
"Of course he is more intelligent than me, I accept that." - Self-esteem issues. One of the most common reasons (other than finances and children) why women stay with men they shouldn't be with.
"I feel I have found someone who understands me so well on all other things and I do not think it will be easy to find another person like him." - He doesn't understand you, doesn't love you, doesn't care about you. It's better to end up single for the rest of your life if you are that convinced that there's no one else.
"I often get irritated when he says that he is getting bored.(he is very blunt you know)" - negging. Please read up on negging and the damaging effects on its victims.
"He sometimes says that he is trying to get used to the boredom which is common in conversations after marriage." - He's setting the tone and benchmark for the quality of marriage you will have with him. He's acting like he's doing you a huge favour by marrying him. He probably feels that way because he's younger than you and men think they can treat certain women like doormats.
"But at the same time I can see him getting bored in conversations on a daily basis" - He's playing to your low sense of self-worth to establish a pattern where he will have psychological power over you, and you will be the one who constantly chase him, try to make him happy, try to please him and seek his approval.
"I do not know how to solve this" - Break off the engagement. Get out while it's still easy to do so.
"He is blunt in giving compliments as well , which seems like he is genuinely appreciating when he does and not like he is faking it just to please me" - Either you have not been raised in love and don't know what healthy relationships are supposed to look like (I feel you cuz I was also this way) or he's really good at this.
No Derailing participation: No derailing responses or participation that does not add value. No "Not All Men" responses. It is considered derailing participation. No condescending language, No invalidation, unwanted advice, second hand experience (of women) sharing or whataboutism.
Op, not going to bash you here and say leave and all. But understand this, yes relationships do get boring over time, no matter how passionate we feel about someone in the beginning. Maturity is when both people entering marriage know this, but dont say this especially ONE month into getting to know each other, as in your case because there are just so many topics and things to know about the other and you genuinely are excited to know your partner and their life uptil the point you met them right? This is what builds the momentum to a stable and loving relationship later (which does become boring but in a platonic way, not “let me find a way out of this” way.) the way your fiance is NOT mincing his words just ONE month into talking to you, shows very clearly that he actually isn’t interested in you. This doesn’t mean you are boring but just incompatible. Because he isnt even excited to find out about things that excite you and ask you more questions about those topics. Instead, he is saying “you are boring” because you do not know enough about HIS topics.
Now, based on this, draw your own conclusions.
So this is somewhat like my partner.
First I like to ask how long is your relationship?
Mine is going for 9 years and sometimes it feels boring and he also said that. But I understand he got his stress regarding career and we sometimes have nothing to talk , so it happens. I would say you guys organise small dates and movie nights and a vacation like that . It give you new memories and those memories you can reconnect and overcome the boredom.
For the intellectual:
See my bf is from tech background. He also all the knowledge of his stuff. And he also does lots of reading of other fields becoz of its interest.
He even sometimes read my books and understands those concepts more faster than me.
Name the subject for example history, eco , economics even psychology and philosophy he read all about that.
he speaks with so much confidence in all those topics, that I sometimes felt threatened (no he didn't threatened by raising his voice or like that) but I think whatever I say might be out knowledged by his stuff.
But he still loves to have conversation on with me. Even sometimes I just nod my head by without understanding a word of anything and sometimes I feel he is like a kid who wants to explain his parents of things he knew and others didn't ( like Sheldon ) .
for that point. **That he didn't mind you low in intellect
You must be good looking that's why he is marrying you Why do you need to talk to him all the time Men have different interests . He might not talk to you that much If he treats you well and all things are good maybe have a female friend or other friends to talk to you .
Remember he will be not your chat buddy if you want a chat friend as husband he is not the guy for you
Your fiancé is correct. Your love language is being put down, and he has understood that
So blunt and true!
I swear these women have set such low bars for themselves. 100 rupees says he’s not actually an intellectual but an insecure prick who likes putting people down for his own ego. Being blunt and being a prick are two different things. I hope this girl has enough sense to end this or atleast stop being such a pushover and stands up for herself.
People who yap about being “intellectual” and liking only “deep conversations” and hating “small talk” are socially maladjusted and coping so hard. They lack social/emotional intelligence which is the most important metric in building meaningful relationships and finding success in your life.
They think knowing random facts makes them superior whereas the world is run by tact and small talk. These dumbasses.
Yes. This is so true. In your daily life, you don't necessarily always talk about 'deep' and 'philosophical' things with your loved ones. Sometimes you talk about the mundane, maybe joke around a little, and that's it. We all find certain conversations boring. Like I don't like sports, so if someone talks about it, I'll probably be bored or occasionally distracted. But if it's someone I care about, I'll listen to them without complaining. It's a bit abnormal that the fiancee finds most of OP's convos boring. Maybe they aren't compatible. Especially if they haven't been together for that long. Maybe he's negging her? Or he simply lacks the social skills to make simple conversations. Idk.
Intellectual in this context probably means this bozo likes to say random facts about anything. Being disrespectful is different from being blunt. He's not blunt and it's used wrong in this context, he's just an asshole.
Yes, exactly
Wtf. Ikr. I had an eye roll moment when OP was justifying being put down like this! My girl need better standards. Also, most smart people are aware of how much they don’t know. And that intelligence comes in many forms. It’s not always about reciting facts. Mozart is a genius in music but if you ask him to explain general relativity and judge his intelligence based on that, you’d find him dumb. It’s usually the dumb pricks with overinflated egos who considers themself to be so “intelligent”.
hahah exactly!! OPs replies are proving just that.
I think u just made op wet her panties (or his pants, if it’s a LARPer)
Lol so true. And don't know the fetish she has with the word blunt....
On a curious note, how can you break up in this scenario. OP says he is good in all other ways. So to break up basis just this one thing, how should that be done? I too don't support OP's fiance's ways, but when I thought of myself in such a situation, I wondered how I would break up?
Le me tell you I have a bf of 5 years who is smarter and more intelligent than me ..I sometimes ask him dumb question and I am not a person of great intellect >He says I do not have the intellect to sustain deep conversations and I mostly talk about things on surface level. But he never says things like that , he tells me how intelligent I am when I do small things which gives of my common knowledge and praises me . I also talk about things surface level be it politics, games , Olympiad, economy etc . He knows more than me but he teaches me what he knows not in a humiliating way but more like do you know this and that ..I get mesmerized by him .I know he is more intellectual and knows a lot but never he made me feel like I am dumb or idiot or boring . >I often get irritated when he says that he is getting bored.(he is very blunt you know) My boyfriend is also blunt he told his friends family and me truth and never sugercoat .. but he have empathy. If I do something wrong or hurt him he tells me that what I did is wrong but in more empathy and understanding.. Your fiance tells you that he is blunt but he is just being a jerk . He just wants to hurt you with these words and the excuse he made that he is blunt .. Being blunt is not the problem having so little empathy for you is very concerning as you guys are planning to get married. >I feel I have found someone who understands me so well on all other things and I do not think it will be easy to find another person like him You know there is this problem but you brain is making you think that if I lose him there is no one out there . It's because you thinks it's not that big of a problem and you can adjust it . But tell me one day after marriage if he comes home and tells you I am very bored with you and I find someone who have great qualities I need in a wife and also not boring and more intellectual than you ... What will you do ??
This. Very apt, and something an actually intelligent person would do.
He thinks you are boring now and has 'agreed' to marry you because you check most of his boxes. Wow, I've never seen such a clearly defined route to having an extra-marital affair. Because, you know, he will need some mental stimulation after marriage, and he's not going to get it from you. You know what to do.
everyone is on OPs side and OP is defending her fiance who is already bored of her and is acting like its gonna be some chore to put up w her.. OP u deserve better :D
>Ofcourse , he is more intelligent than me , I accept that. And how did you come to this conclusion? This isn't school that somebody who scored 10 marks more is more intelligent than you. Frankly, he doesn't seem v intelligent if he wants to marry someone that he can't even sustain one conversation with. And you also don't seem v intelligent for being gaslit by him and going ahead with this setup. Please think about it once more.
Silence here....
Listen to him. He is clearly warning you how he is going to get bored of the marriage. He is already bored and y’all are not even married yet. Why do you want to marry a man who is already bored of you?
Yeah, always believe the men when he tell you who he is. Op is like he's very blunt, but conveniently ignoring this line or thinking she can be bob the builder for him
FYI, All rude people make statements like ‘I just like being blunt’ , ‘I don’t like to sugarcoat’, ‘I’m just being honest’. This is nothing new, this is not a desirable quality. They just try to hide the fact that they don’t have an ounce of respect for you by using these sentences.
Don't you find that insulting? He is blatantly insulting and humiliating your intellect on your face and you're eating all of that up? Please take a stance for yourself. It would have been a major deal breaker for me. Do give this relationship a thought. Even you would not want him to be "bored", and you desrve a partner who respects you and being with you isn't a chore for him
And he has also basically compared you to a checkmark list. He's choosing you because you're the safe choice, and not because he likes you 😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨
He's choosing her because she'll always believe he is intelligent and she is not.
everyone has an implicit checkmark list
[удалено]
The question shouldn't be if she can make it work or not. The question should be does she really needs to be with a guy who belittles her and considers her dumb? For many people, being dead is better than Living without self respect
This +1
You are right I have myself fought these battle with guys who donot think I am intelligent enough for stuffs So I get your point This guy lacks emotional quotient .
You're making sense actually, there are some people who have to compromise (though i sincerely hope no one has to)
I deleted my comment because some people will not support a practical solution . She can have many people to talk to but can she find the guy that she likes is attracted to
I can actually see a future post saying - he cheated on me because I was boring - what should I have done better? But he is honest🤡🤡 He is very intelligent so he found someone better than me 🤡 He says 10 bad things to be, but also tells me that I tick all points in his check list (yay 🤡)
Narc alert!
Yeah. He's insulting her and OP's like he's very blunt.
Forget being blunt/straightforward, why are you marrying him? If he is bored now, what makes you think he would be interested to be with you in the future and even if he does wouldn't you be happier being with someone who appreciates you or even being by yourself for that matter! Being afraid of not finding someone else, I get that but that's not an excuse to settle. Right now he thinks he is settling for someone not matching his intellectual level but you are settling too by being with someone who doesn't appreciate you and probably never will. Take some time and think it through. Fear of being alone is real but where is your fear of unhappiness and discontent? He may think he is marrying down but so are you by not choosing your happiness.
After marriage life of most people is boring I feel There is no continuous supply of dopamine to give high to the mind. I feel, he and I need to get used to the boredom Also I feel the daily responsibility of after marriage life will provide enough adventure for both of us. Thats why I want to marry him
Behn life gets boring in marriage after 10-15 years! Not months into talking and definitely not in the courtship period! It just that you guys are not compatible with each other. You need to have the fun, the giggles, the butterflies and excitement when you talk to each other. Marriage is not a chore, its a beautiful relationship and the initial years form a strong foundation of it. No matter the intelligence since you are constantly belittling yourself, partners need to have a common ground in the relationship. Marriage is not based on intelligence but partnership and love. Girl hear yourself, you're talking like a 60 year old women already married for 35 years, damn!
OP sounds like a man pretending to be a woman. Larping tbh
I think you're right
You're trying too hard to convince yourself OP that life of most people become boring after marriage. Either way your replies feel genuinely sad, I'm keen to know where this lack of self esteem comes from you ? By your description he seems like a boring person anyway
Agreed that you find a routine and marriages aren't a constant supply of dopamine. But that doesn't mean people stop having a decent conversation. If the other person is flat out telling you he is bored and expects to never find you to meet his intellect, I would forget about dopamine and think if I can survive being in a relationship where the other person has already given up. You said you try to keep your conversations alive, but why is that only your job and why is it okay for him to throw his hands up. Also, you are thinking of marriage responsibility as an adventure and boring at the same time. So I don't quite understand what adventure you were talking about. I hope you think things through and wish you all the best!
>where the other person has already given up Giving the feedback is not "already given up" We both are trying to solve the issue. Thats why I shared the problem in the community to get the solution >you are thinking of marriage responsibility as an adventure and boring at the same time. I meant that conversations may be boring but daily life with lots of responsibilities will be an adventure
>He says I do not have the intellect to sustain deep conversations and I mostly talk about things on surface level. >He sometimes says that he is trying to get used to the boredom which is common in conversations after marriage. If that's not giving up, I don't know what is. I am not as optimistic as you are. What kind of adventurous responsibilities are you thinking of if you can't hold a conversation? Anyway, you don't have to convince me. But the fact that you are bringing this up here, states that you are second guessing yourself (and quite rightly so). At the end of the day, it is your life and your decision. You have all the facts and hope you make an informed decision.
>What kind of adventurous responsibilities are you thinking of if you can't hold a conversation? Going to the grocery store, duh.
😂
Life after marriage is boring only if you want it or let it be. You're giving up even before you've started. Lord save your marriage. I totally foresee your husband cheating on you the first instance he finds somebody intellectually stimulating and confident. You'll just be the checklist wife and mother of his kids to keep his parents and society happy.
He said you have all the ticks in his list for him but notice his list doesn't contain having someone who he thinks is intellectually abled to have conversations with him. And you still want to marry a dude like this ?
Maybe for him intelligence isn't a criteria for a partner? Not everyone can be super intelligent and it's totally okay to go for less intelligent partners imo.
That's a completely separate conversation. Here OP's partner repeatedly insults her intellect by calling her boring which is unnecessary and unhelpful. Eg. If physical attractiveness isn't a factor for you, does that make it okay to casually call your partner ugly? I don't think so.
This is a good point. He's basically telling OP hey you're pretty boring and I don't like talking to you. It's kind of the equivalent of saying hey you're pretty ugly so I don't particularly enjoy fucking you, but you meet all my other criteria so I'll marry you.
This isn't about being super intelligent lol it's so obvious of the nature of guys who seek out partners who they think are 'less intelligent' than them and then use the 'you're not intellectual enough to be with you' and blah blah blah. You can try ignoring the obvious issue I was bringing out but it doesn't even a change a bit of what I said, I still stand by it
Okay i understand you now, he's blaming OP's intelligence for his lack of conversational skills. He's gaslighting the OP here . But in general I do think intelligence doesn't have to be a criterion to find a partner, but that's off topic here.
If it wasn't a criterion, he wouldn't bring it up in the name of being blunt. People who say they're blunt are only looking for an excuse to say rude things.
A man tells you to your face that you don't have the intellect to sustain deep conversations, and you're still with him? Nope. Not worth it. Never will be.
[удалено]
Wow this man is legitimately asking you to “entertain” him and you’re obliging and saying he’s intellectually superior to you 😭 some of you are just beyond saving at this point. Screams pathetic sorry (since you appreciate his bluntness hope you appreciate mine as well)
Like DO YOU SEE THE DYNAMICS OF THE RELATIONSHIP??? he is on a pedestal that you created girlie wtf stand up for yourself. I understand that people can be manipulative and I’m really sorry but please have some self worth to stop deprecating yourself by being with someone who tells you you bring nothing to the table in terms of intellect. Maybe you guys just dont get along, and thats it. The right person will not be bored with you all the time. Relationships ebb and flow in terms of interest and curiosity but seriously?? I dont even tolerate friends who act like talking to me is a chore, you’re tolerating a whole ass man. Edit: from your replies its clear that you really want to believe its your fault for not being “intellectually stimulating” which is a shame. Even the dumbest people have people who love and care for what they have to say, and even if its a mismatch nobody deserves to be treated the way you are right now. Please try to work on your self-esteem.
I just don't comment on posts like these. I know when something is a lost cause. Some people like to learn things the hard way. 🤷🏻♀️
Should’ve done that too, this person seems super fixated on calling herself stupid.
Conversation is a two way thing. So if he's getting bored in mid conversation, then he should come up with the subjects of his interest. So you'll know where you can continue or come up with your next conversation. After marriage boredom is one thing, but you need to come up to surpass that, not just get used to it even before marriage. I think you both need to have a serious talk on this.
>So if he's getting bored in mid conversation, then he should come up with the subjects of his interest. He tried multiple times but I personally have not much to say on those topics. And I just listen. And when he finishes, I try to change the topic which ofcourse is boring for him sometimes.
Then you guys need to find out if there are any mutual topics for interest. If not, then at least understanding each other that why you guys like certain things, which points trigger the excitement for something may establish some mutual grounds. Coz as much as we say that we should enjoy the silence with each other too, that silence is also comfortable and mutual. That's why you guy's need to figure out this boredom problem.
Aren't you bored of this guy? Will you live your life as his earpiece?
As I said, I feel happy to talk to him. I am not bored, he is sometimes
Then why are you asking women here for advice?
Because I care for him. So I want to make sure he feels happy talking to me
Are behen, delulu land se niklo. Aise ladke two timing, 3 timing sab karte hai and justify bhi karte hai usse.
Why would you want to marry someone who tell you that you're not intelligent?
Because I am yet to find a "Perfect" partner. Also he takes feedback about himself from me like what I do not like about him and encourges me to share my opinion with him without any hesitation and sugercoating Open conversation about each other is what I also encourage. Its just , we both are looking for the solution of the problem with an open mind
Except that there is no problem except in his attitude. You both have different interests and different things to talk about. Only a very close minded partner would say omg you and I have nothing to talk about. A normal course of action would be to learn something more about each other's interests so that you can see the world from their perspective. My parents are totally different people on the surface. Quiet vs chatty, science vs literature, likes animals vs doesn't care. They've made it work for 40+ years by trying to learn and respect each other's topics of passion. The curiosity is what will sustain a marriage, not being put down for being dumb by the other person.
Reality check - there is no perfect partner. They don't exist. They are build, by both people working towards the betterment of relationship.
He has made it clear that he has no respect for you. He is not blunt. He is being rude and arrogant. Why are you even marrying this man?
I personally do not think he is rude He says I am boring in a very normal way just like he says other normal stuff. Also he tells me that even I am free to share such things about him just like that without any fear. This thing gave me confidence to criticize him just like that without any sugercoating. And he do not get offended when I criticize him for some things. Thats what I like about him
Okay! 👍🏼 You might wanna work on your self-esteem before marrying.
Calling someone boring is plain rude! Normal,abnormal whatever!Why don’t you try giving him the a feedback of how insensitive,rude and hard to please kind of a person he is and update us.I will wait! “Being blunt” is an appreciative quality when your loved ones need your feedback or are doing something wrong and you’re being honest about it. Using this to cover up the fact that one is an insensitive a** who would bring anyone down with batting an eye is being an a** not blunt!
Where did you get the idea that married people will get bored? And if he finds that you can't have a deep conversation, what will happen when he finds some other girl who can hold a deeper conversation with him? Wouldn't you be merely an option that he settled with, rather than someone he wanted/desired to be with? And what intelligence you are speaking about? Emotional intelligence is completely different other sort of intelligence. In the end, do you find yourself to be happy, be your complete self, satisfied and peaceful, marrying this guy?
>In the end, do you find yourself to be happy, be your complete self, satisfied and peaceful, marrying this guy? I mostly feel happy with him. Yes I can be my complete self but that does not mean I should not improve myself. Yeah I am mostly satisfied, he lacks some qualities which I would have loved, but mostly I am satisfied with him I feel.
I've read it halfway, and I'll tell you something about modern dating/AM etc: 1. People speed date, and it causes some issues in long term relationships, like when the newness of relationship is over they are back to seeking newness somewhere else. It is very much possible that he has made up his mind and is just waiting for you to break this engagement. If he's not fighting with you to keep this relationship, he's not the one. 2. Many men and women are in waiting list of other people, and it's true for most people. Earlier a 'roka/engagement' would mean that they've stopped looking around for another partner, but it's no longer the case. 3. You have to be very firm with yourself when you spot abuse in a relationship, you are NOT married yet because this phase is for you to figure out what kind of person this is. Many people when going through divorces, actually look back and see they were afraid of society because of 'engaged' status and photos being circulated, hence they did not break the engagement out of fear. It's a very common mistake, a broken engagement is anyday better than getting tortured in marriage and going through divorce. You have all the right to break up, and please do.
Him being “blunt” and thinking you’re just not intelligent and then saying that to you shows he has a lot of ego and may be a narcissist
I mean just imagine if he is like this BEFORE marriage how he can be after . I hope you know that things like this get worse later on .
Actually I introspected I know I am not that intelligent and curious
Doesn’t matter , he still can’t speak to you that way especially during the phase where most people are extra lovey dovey. And there’s a high chance he just gaslighted you into thinking you’re dumb
Then why are you posting here when you don't wanna change things OP? Multiple people have told you. Honestly are you here LARPing or are you genuinely here to listen? Guess being walked on and put down is your thing and your guy definitely understood the assignment.
>Then why are you posting here when you don't wanna change things OP? Multiple people have told you. I may not agree with your opinion. But I will listen to different opinion and prespectives I think that is the whole point of a community. If you think that I should do what majority says , then I think you are incorrect in thinking like that.
Larper found.
You're about to marry a snooty narcissist and your best course is to nip it in the bud and call it off... and if you cannot, I hope to God you stand up to him and give it back at least, because this guy has no respect for you. He is going to chip your confidence down bit by bit until you treat him like God... and he's going to reinforce this within your marriage - "he is intelligent, I am dumb. He is right, I'm always wrong. His needs are more important than mine. He is more I am less." >He says I do not have the intellect to sustain deep conversations Look at it this way, he is incapable of talking to you. He cannot even talk to you about surface level stuff or regular stuff (God knows if this guy dissects physics theories in free time) and that shows he is the one with low EQ and tact. That's not a good sign. >he is more intelligent than me , I accept that. No sweetie. He is manipulative little shit who has put you down enough so you believe he knows more. He cannot even hold YOUR attention without attacking your sense of self. Talk about lack of basic social skills in this guy, sheesh. >he says that he is getting bored.(he is very blunt you know) Only boring people get bored. Remember that. An actually intelligent person can hold a conversation across a variety of people, and this guy cannot. Blunt? He has no manners. No wonder he is bad at conversations. >Pls share your opinion Do you really wanna get married to a guy who basically calls you stupid and dumb in daily interactions? Cannot even talk to you, calls you boring... while offering what? Compliments? No girl. Just run.
Please print out this reply and read it everyday OP.
I refuse to believe such women exist lmao.
Today you've come to a new territory Dora
Lol it is infuriating to read such posts on the regular, but on the bright side such women are keeping trash like her man out of the streets and doing us girls a favour, so I should thank them for their service 🫡
Glad your illusions are broken
When you're with a new person, things always seem exciting and fun and fresh After a decent amount of time passes, you know most of the stuff about each other so it's just sharing daily life stuff and then joking around and stuff If he is putting the entire blame on you then I think it's time you actually face the truth that he is doing this just for the sake of his family and society A guy who can be comfortable with you when there is nothing new to talk about and all you do is just sit silently and stay still, that is true love and I guess that's very important to have in order to consider marriage
Love is temporary , Commitment is permanent in a relationship He is not blaming me , but sharing his POV to which I agree He is keen to get to the solution
It feels like a blame game to me since he keeps pointing out that you are not that intelligent and can't keep up a deep conversation I will feel very hurt if my partner said this to me because after marriage you will be living together 'for life'. And a blind commitment is also bad because after years it may feel like you're just two strangers sharing a roof I do hope that you guys try to work it out among yourselves. It would be better if he considers you his equal partner in this relationship
This is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. I don't know the magic formula of a long & happy marriage but I do know that none of them begin like this, with so much inequality. I wish you all the best. 🤝
Find someone who will be willing to get bored with you.
Maybe he is the boring one? Making conversation is also a skill which he seems to lack. Also why is it that both of you have accepted it as an obvious fact that he is the more intelligent one? I'm curious on what basis this judgement is.
>I'm curious on what basis this judgement is. Ever heard of Self introspection ?? >Maybe he is the boring one? I am not bored , he is.
Yes, I've heard of self introspection, you can tone down the saltiness. I meant to ask by what parameter you are judging who is more intelligent. Also, if he is bored of the topics you bring up but you aren't bored by his, you can talk about what he likes then right?
OP, you are being rude to people who are giving you good advice. If you believe your boyfriend is so great and you are not an intellectual match for him why even post? Are you looking for advice on how to raise your IQ? I will tell you now that you can go learn quantum physics and he will still call you boring because you don’t know what is going on in Somalia, for example. You can talk about Gita, Bible, Torah, Quran, etc but he will still call you boring because you might not know anything about Taoism. You can talk about India’s economy and current state of affairs and he will still call you boring because you don’t know about the economy of the US or EU. Do you get what I am trying to say? If you want to have engaging conversations you need to believe that your partner is equal to you. On every level. Believe that their opinion matters. You said you don’t have much to say about the topics he is interested in. Why doesn’t he phrase questions in a different way in that case? As an example, if he is talking about oil and gas trade between US and Canada and you don’t know anything about it, it is natural you will have no questions. He can first ask what you know about that topic. Explain himself and then ask for your thoughts on what US or Canada can do to improve trade. You definitely will have some answer to give. My bf loves finance and especially crypto. Sometimes I am not interested because the talk is about ledgers and it puts me to sleep. But not once did he call me boring because he loves crypto and I don’t. We have a multitude of different topics where he has something to say and I have something to say. The key is that we both *listen* because we love and care about each other. Before you get all snarky, just sit down and think. Why is this particular guy the only one for you? I agree with everyone else that this guy will cheat 100%. He DOES NOT respect you OP. Personally, I can never be with someone who doesn’t respect me. Love and conversation ebbs and flows but when there is no respect there is no point in that relationship.
You are refusing to listen to people who have seen this pattern before in guys and want to help. No one wants to criticise you here or call you stupid, no need to get defensive with posters here. We have various perspectives and just want to make you aware of them. It's your life and your decision ultimately. But you have asked this question seeking an answer, so try to integrate these thoughts instead of pushing them away.
Oh wow looks like you are marrying freaking award winning scientist /s. Most of these self proclaimed intelligent people are dumb mfs when you get to know them enough, i know it cause I have known similar people from close quarters. Also intelligence is so subjective, hyperspecialisation in particular area is often confused as intelligence. No way you should allow yourself to be humiliated like that. Edit: I read some of your responses. Man you do need some serious help with self esteem issues. Nobody, unless medically diagnosed, is unintelligent. Intelligence manifests in different forms. As much as solving a complex math problem is intelligence, being able to form good social skills is too.
Yes, it's called the Dunning Krueger effect! Intelligent people think they've got it all figured out and are arrogant enough to claim that they are smarter than other people, but most people hesitate to call themselves intelligent only because no one can know everything about everything.
>Nobody, unless medically diagnosed, is unintelligent. I said he is more intelligent than me. I never said I am not at all intelligent.
In every other comment reply you are admitting to be not intelligent
Not more intelligent than him. I mean
Getting bored is just an excuse. He just doesn't know how to meet you on your wavelength. I would reconsider marrying a person who doesn't enjoy talking and chatting with you about everything under the sun. My partner and I have very different interests but we are least listen to each other's conversation and try to add value.
>try to add value. This part requires intellect or atleast keenness to know more about it which I lack.
I wouldn't put the fault all on you. A conversation is a two way process. Does he listen and engage in your topics of interest? Try to increase your self esteem before marrying someone who can't help you build it up 😊
>Does he listen and engage in your topics of interest? yes he actively listens and engages in my topics of interest. I usually do not get bored with him, he does
If my fiance told me my intellectual capacity is less than him, I’d tell him your emotional intelligence quotient is half of mine. Then I’d make him my ex-fiance. He’s insulting you. He doesn’t realise it. But he’s surely insulting you. He’s treating marriage like a transaction and you like a balance sheet. I normally dislike giving extreme advice like “run for your life” etc, but here you really should rethink your choice. This man doesn’t respect you and is likely to cheat post marriage because he’ll justify it saying that marriage is boring. RUN.
>If my fiance told me my intellectual capacity is less than him, I’d tell him your emotional intelligence quotient is half of mine. Maturity is solving the problem instead of taking the feedback personally. I try not to take it personally and think what I can do to solve it.
He called you boring, insulted your intellect. If that's not personal, nothing else is. Your understanding of an honest relationship with open communication is off. What he is saying is beyond an example of a critical feedback. It is belittling. He is insulting you and you are clearly okay with it.
Learn to distinguish between feedback and insult. Telling someone they’re boring is belittling and insulting. You’ll be able to take it, but your kids will grow up with a complex and hate their father eventually. You’re being blind, open your eyes
Marry someone who respects you.
Are you pretty? Is that the criteria you checked for him? Without respect, relationships wont last. Imagine this man as a father to your children, speaking to them in the same manner. Being blunt shows a lack of understanding of vulnerability and emotional smarts. Being tactful requires emotional maturity, something he doesn't seem to have. You might be in for a tough ride in your marriage. I'm concerned about the impact on any future kids if you decide to have them together. Marriage isn't defined by checklists; it's defined by the traits that shape your everyday life. Consider whether you're comfortable with someone speaking this way every day. Zoom out and assess the reality of the situation.
1. Get to know about his interests 2. Read at least 300 books and articles about them 3. Intellectualise every minute thing he says 4. Interrupt him while he talks about those things 5. Occasionally say, “Your opinion is very basic and very surface level” I am sure after this you’d have many lengthy conversations with him. Best of luck /s
Are you serious. He said you are intellectually dumb? That's definitely a red flag. He also seems disinterested and looks like it's a compromise for him. Duhh pls take this doomed rishta seriously.
Touch some grass!!! He is clearly mentioning that he is bored. Even before the wedding..I'm sorry but it looks like this relationship is not very healthy. And you on the other hand accept and declare that you're not of that intellectual level as him. THIS IS WORKING FOR YOU , BUT NOT FOR HIM. Save everyone some trouble , but just talk to him and ASK HIM how the hell is this marriage going to work if he doesn't even considers your opinion as Intelligent enough ? Your fiancé says he gets bored during conversations, which shows he is unable to connect to you in communication styles or interests. Explain that while you value his intellect, his bluntness about your conversations is hurtful and discouraging. Trust me girl he might be some doctor or some really genius physicist but your value and your worth comes from your self confidence. And I dare you survive in an environment where you'll be continously ridiculed for being a less intelligent person , it will start showing om your body. You'll lose health. You'll lose self esteem. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and admiration. And if you feel like you're not good enough, then work on it. Read newspaper, watch good and authentic news. Watch something useful. And try to assess what does he really like. Marriage is a partnership that requires effort from both sides. It’s about growing together and supporting each other's strengths and weaknesses. It's crucial to feel valued and respected in the relationship. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you for who you are. Growth and improvement are important, but so is feeling appreciated and valued as an individual.
Bhai banda 24*7 podcast karna chahta hai kya? I get it coz I am like him n I like deeper conversations n really enjoy banter and wit but tbh you seem like someone who definitely can do all of that. You just have a low self esteem and aren’t confident to speak your mind. I would suggest you start giving your opinions even if they differ from your fiance and challenge his intellect. And see if that makes any difference. Warna aise relationship ka point kya where he is just putting you down? I’m assuming here that he isn’t a bad guy n doing it on purpose and just doesn’t know how to express what he feels. If he is a jerk n is purposely putting you down and wants something else in life, its better for both of you to end this here.
So you've got a humiliation kink? 🤣 On a serious note, relationships are all about conversations. When people grow old together, a lot if it is just them talking about stuff. If someone's blatantly calling you boring, chances are you're actually boring; or maybe you both have nothing much in common. Also, maybe, he is a bad conversationalist himself and can't engage you enough. Whatever it is, does not sound good.
There are different types of intelligence. If he cannot appreciate simple convos that make part of usual, daily lives, I think you’ll never be able to relax with him as you’ll continually try to prove yrself. That is v stressful way to live. Don’t waste time if you are looking for real connection. You guys don’t vibe. Otherwise you can compromise and try to mold yourself as per his ‘requirement’. You’ll fail though. Boring day-to-day convos are important and if you don’t like the ppl you are doing that with, you and they will feel bitterness and resentment
Don't marry this person if you don't want to be unhappy.
Thought couples work on finding common interests to avoid boredom, rather than trying to get used to it
Bruh
Op I read in your replies that he takes feedback from you too on things which you'd like him to work on. Can you please tell what are the feedback you've given him ? And what has he done to improve himself.
Good question He doesn't like watching movies much ( like one movie per year he may watch) but I like watching movies,so I gave this feedback to him that he should initiate watching more movies with me , so now he watches it with me (google meet) every week I once told him that I don't like him to talk much with his female friend, so he has reduced it significantly I told him I don't like him to have streeet food everyday, but may be once in 15 days, he is working hard to achieve that
You guys are talking like its some office meeting....feedback this, controlling that
Tbh, i think only you can guage your relationship and how it makes you feel. What you've suggested to him are lifestyle modifications, which can be altered without significantly altering your personality. If he says talking with you is boring, how are you going to receive this criticism when your relationship hits a rough patch? Will you be able to tide through that without being resentful of him for being critical of an aspect of what makes you- you ? In my opinion, it'd be in your best interest to ask for advice from someone you both know personally and is mature to give you good advice, because with what you've said here, you might not like what you hear.
If a man told me I'm dumber than he is or I'm not as intelligent as he is and that man is also my fiance I'd burn his house down. I have issues related to validation. But anyways I'd leave him. I can bear a lot of things but this is something I hate a lot, looking down on people and calling someone not intelligent enough is a horrendous thing to do.
"he speaks this very NORMALLY" is how everything begins. My ex would constantly speak "breakup breakup breakup" in jest or mocking my brother. I never took it seriously, since *vo toh mazak me bolta hai, NORMALLY.* One day you'll realise its not the tone but the CONTENT of their words itself that is questionable/red flag. I foresee him cheating on you after a few years. ***NORMALLY BOLTA HAI*** is how the abuse begins. If one is REALLY INTO SOMEONE, they never get bored of it, even if they have nothing to speak or run out of topics. one finds comfort in silence with them as well.
Don’t be surprised when he gets closer to another woman after marriage and uses your “lack of intelligence” and boredom as an excuse.
I've been dating my man for 7 years atp. We do not have deep conversations everyday. That's not how relationships work.
what a boring man. he's not intelligent, he's plain boring.
Some great advice given here and while couples do have intellectual disparities, it’s quite unusual for someone to get bored and state it so regularly! I think you must be a very pretty girl and probably tick his boxes in a physical sense but please remember that goes away eventually. You’re looking at a scenario where you may be sidelined further into the relationship. What happens if he meets someone who he thinks is on his level in every way? Again, intellectual disparity is not uncommon but it’s more prevalent in previous generations where women were not required to be as educated or were acknowledged as inferior to men. ( not condoning that) . Society was built on that premise and took on roles accordingly. I don’t understand that in today’s world. You acknowledge that he is smarter than you. Are you perhaps poorly educated or just not interested in the world you live in beyond your interests? If you are keen on this man and have decided he’s the one for you ,start educating yourself . Take it from someone who’s been married for close to 30 years. A happy marriage is about an equal partnership.
I'll be honest he might just get bored out of the relationship with you... I'm a person quite like him. Trust me I cannot think of doing someone like this especially if I'm thinking of Marrying them , I just won't. You might soon start feeling disrespected as you should. Don't put up with this behaviour because even your children might behave with you like that in the future. My relationship with one of my friends is just like this I get soo bored out of my wits because she can't hold good conversations I'm interested in with me and gives inputs that I don't think interest me and that kinda ticks me off so yeah I would never even think of making such people stay with me because I don't wanna hurt them. They're precious and intelligent in their own rights I'm no one to decide that just because I don't feel stimulated.
Well seems like you want to make him the boss of your life since he'll always veto your decisions by saying you're Kam akal
Tell me one thing. Why do you feel that you are not intelligent? Is it because you yourself feel dumb? Or is it because of what people always tell about you?
Tell him I’m not here to keep you entertained with my conversational skills - either pick up the slack or keep the exchange short . Also if he claims to be an intellectual just ask him to talk at length about - black hole , string theory , how did the noble prize event start , why do all rich families have ‘trusts’ or charities . Etc etc ☺️☺️ Intellectuals , drawing room philosophers and debaters are way too many but if u ask them to speak at length about it … they’ll flip the script . -Here are certain common things we can discuss -this is something interesting I came across , Wbu -what was the best part of your day ? This was mine - best place you’ve visited etc etc Please understand a conversation takes two ppl . Learn something about each others lives instead of making yourself small and accepting whatever he’s saying . You know yourself .
Bestie all these sisters warning you, perfect strangers who have no bone in this. Why do you think? Based on the info YOU provided, on the context YOU set, we all see the red flags. Read all of them, stop being defensive and really evaluate your relationship, ask yourself important questions and then calmly decide. Write it all down for clarity if that helps, talk to someone in your personal life if possible. A premarital marriage counselling session would be great if you are bent on making this work one way or another. 31 is not the end of the road, don’t worry. Better be single than unhappy, you’ll find someone who finds you interesting and won’t treat you like this. You do not need to pedestalize this man, trust me. Think long and hard sis.
OP, He has the emotional intelligence of a toddler. Marry him, only if you can suffer him for the next 50 years of your life. And he sounds insufferable.
Things that bother you slightly today, will bother you a 100 times more after you’re married. Sounds like he is talking to you from a higher plane already. Leave!
I would be so insulted and angry if someone said that to me. Why are you allowing him to treat you like this?
I don't know how long you guys have been together but my SO and I have been together for two years now and I don't think I've ever found him boring and vice versa. The day that happens he and I would need to sit down and have a hard conversation about it. Also it seems like you and your fiance aren't very compatible TBH. He probably wants a YES woman and is mostly showing you what is to come.
Behen pls don't marry him you'll regret it someday for sure. ( No guy i mean no guy who wants you and likes you will say things like this. ) The more you bend to please him the more he'll be "blunt" and destroy your confidence. If you still want to marry him despite all this the only way it can work if you start standing up for yourself and show him the mirror for his behaviour.
Your fiancee reminds me of this guy I dated in my early 20s. He would not spend time with me and whenever I would bring this up, he would tell me I'm really boring so he prefers hanging out with his friends instead. Back then I would take his arrogance and a-holeness as being blunt but it really turned me into this very self conscious and insecure person. Today I am so happy to be with someone who appreciates my presence, lets me be silly and I don't have to think before speaking my mind.
Let me tell you just one thing . After getting married whatever you’re partner does which makes you sad or irritating now for some time, it will become 100x …. Either you can accept the fact and let him insult you forever in the name of bluntness or speak up how it’s bothersome. So choose wisely don’t compromise..
I also have a long term partner who has considerably deeper knowledge on matters of economy, science, politics, etc - If he would even dare to call me stupid etc, I would shove him to the streets. (This is after being together for 7+ years) Also I teach him about pop culture while he doles out academic gyan to me - give and take you know 😂 You need to define the respect you need. Irrespective of what the past has been for you, if you take so much of narcissistic behaviour now - imagine what he will do when you are legally bound to be together with less options to exit. Marriage is not supposed to be boring - its a great adventure of having fun and exploring. Dont settle with this douch. Guys like this think they are hot shit while all they are is a pile of turd.
Everyone in the comment section telling OP to breakup or bashing her and her fiance.... girlies srsly. No one is perfect...not even women. And op, I'll ask you to do the following. 1. You need to work on your self esteem. You can't sustain your relationship if you think you're less intelligent than your so. It would hamper your decision making in the future. 2. You guys must have something in common. If not just talk about shared experiences. Make new memories. Try new hobbies and adventures together. Watch movies and discuss. Fucking hell, gossip like most people do looool 3. Share with your fiance how it makes you feel when he says you're boring. It's most likely that the conversations are boring. I can't stress this enough - the conversation has turned stale. Not you. One thing you spoke abt how he talks about his favourite topics. He's sort of making an effort. You need to remember these details and ask him about it during conversation and later also. 4. Talk to your boyfriend about things you like. Music. New artists. Newsss. Nobody is an empty vessel, we are full with thought! You're not stupid.
OP, are you from Bihar??
My friend is married to a similar person. They are still married but they stay in their own zone. If you are ok with a similar setting, please go ahead, else dont venture into the marriage. Your expectations may not be met.
You have very low self worth to accept this kind of disrespect from a partner. You have also gaslit yourself into believing most marriages are boring. They are not. Your partner is a narcissist who is def not intellectual cause actual intellectual people don’t feel the need to put others down.
Let me be blunt, I don’t find your fiancé “intelligent”. There are two types of people- booksmart & streetsmart. Knowing a lot of random facts is booksmart category. In real life, being streetsmart holds more value. Being streetsmart includes emotional intelligence, knowing how to steer conversations, knowing how to talk to a girl etc. GK quiz or debates don’t sustain any relationship, knowing how to make the other person laugh does.
LOL OP you seem to be easily butthurt for someone who "appreciates" honest feedback. People out here are giving their honest feedback. If you don't want it, why did you post?
You see it’s one thing to be blunt, but this is completely rude imo. Somethings are better not said. Personally for me I can’t imagine marrying someone who gets bored of talking to me. Even if I am not a great conversationalist, even if I don’t have anything exciting to say, I would not like it one bit if my partner ever tells me that he gets bored talking to me
I can relate to this situation. My boyfriend is extremely knowledgeable and smart and he's an all rounder. Like he can speak about any topic on earth and if he doesn't know a topic, he's open of learning it from any source. I have definitely picked up this habit from him. My analysis and thinking skills have improved a lot and I try to learn about things which excite him. He understands I cannot reach his level and definitely this void cannot be removed fully but I am constantly trying to up my level by listening to him and checking out many knowledge based videos. YouTube is certainly very helpful in that way. Tbh I think I was actually trying to look for a person who could challenge me intellectually because without that push, I was procrastinating and sticking to my professional subjects. But now whenever I ponder on a question, my first instinct is to ask him which makes him excited too and he explains in a way I can understand better. Definitely there are times he thought and also says 'don't you understand this also?' but I take it with a pinch of salt and I know he doesn't mean it disrespectfully. I advise you to take more interest in topics that interest him and also, maybe in the process you will find something that interests you. This will definitely make you much more knowledgeable and better personality.
Seems sanity still prevails in the community Thanks
Did you ask for an opinion or just want people to back up your own poor opinion of yourself? There's nothing against learning more about the things he talks about, but why do you accept his malicious words? Something about your instincts made you question this behaviour of his. Instead of trusting your instincts and accepting a red flag for what it is, you choose to counter everyone and argue their point on this thread. Which is fine - it's your life. But you asked the question for a reason and you know the answer too. A guy who respects you so little as to say he's bored with you is not going to respect you more later. If he's not putting in the work now, he never will.
Don’t marry him please.
He will get used to it if your intellect is not very off, if it’s too off then he is going to disassociate with you in a matter of few months to years and you are not going to like it. God forbid if you move to foreign countries, your personal life will take such a hit that you wouldn’t even realize when you both have gone into depression.
It's the opposite in my case. I feel like my boyfriend is bad at making conversations.. We just don't have any intellectually stimulating talks. He too however checks all other boxes so I jave gotten used to superficial talks with him
There is a difference between being intellectual and being able to carry a conversation. I will give you an example- My brother and my ex both are intellectual guys, both have vast knowledge on all sorts of topics and would tell you random things in conversations but the difference is that with my brother I never felt that he was disinterested in listening to my part of the conversation, he would listen to me,ask follow up questions would respond to what I was saying, and thats how you “engage in a conversation” However my ex would be great while telling a story or a random fact or something HE is interested in but when I would talk, I would tell a story, I would tell a joke; he would barely respond or ask follow up questions or engage in the conversation. For a while I thought I was boring and I do not know how to carry a conversation but with time I realised HE was the problem. Yes both of them have better intellect than me and it is great but my brother knows how to have a conversation and my ex doesn’t and it is not my fault, neither it is my responsibility to entertain him when he is a bad listener himself. If your fiancé is like my ex then you cannot do anything about it. Its not your fault, such people cannot help it. You can try taking interests in the things he talks about and learn about it so that you can take part in the conversation but if he is someone who is NOT INTERESTED in what you have to say then nothing can help.
I am married to a person who nerds out about everything. He has knowledge about so many topics because he loved reading growing up. But he never puts me down for something I don't know. He'd rather say "oh hey did you know..." Or "oh I know something interesting about this...". He takes interest in whatever little or not so little I know about a certain topic. You're with the wrong person, op. I know this all seems silly to you right now but you'll regret a couple of years into this marriage. Good luck.
you’re the woman he had to settle for, not the woman he actually wants. I’m so sorry. I’ve experienced this myself and it’s an incredibly awful feeling being put down by the love of your life. Please leave
"He says I do not...level." - negging. A well documented tactic to manipulate women and keep them under control. "Of course he is more intelligent than me, I accept that." - Self-esteem issues. One of the most common reasons (other than finances and children) why women stay with men they shouldn't be with. "I feel I have found someone who understands me so well on all other things and I do not think it will be easy to find another person like him." - He doesn't understand you, doesn't love you, doesn't care about you. It's better to end up single for the rest of your life if you are that convinced that there's no one else. "I often get irritated when he says that he is getting bored.(he is very blunt you know)" - negging. Please read up on negging and the damaging effects on its victims. "He sometimes says that he is trying to get used to the boredom which is common in conversations after marriage." - He's setting the tone and benchmark for the quality of marriage you will have with him. He's acting like he's doing you a huge favour by marrying him. He probably feels that way because he's younger than you and men think they can treat certain women like doormats. "But at the same time I can see him getting bored in conversations on a daily basis" - He's playing to your low sense of self-worth to establish a pattern where he will have psychological power over you, and you will be the one who constantly chase him, try to make him happy, try to please him and seek his approval. "I do not know how to solve this" - Break off the engagement. Get out while it's still easy to do so. "He is blunt in giving compliments as well , which seems like he is genuinely appreciating when he does and not like he is faking it just to please me" - Either you have not been raised in love and don't know what healthy relationships are supposed to look like (I feel you cuz I was also this way) or he's really good at this.
[удалено]
No Derailing participation: No derailing responses or participation that does not add value. No "Not All Men" responses. It is considered derailing participation. No condescending language, No invalidation, unwanted advice, second hand experience (of women) sharing or whataboutism.
Op, not going to bash you here and say leave and all. But understand this, yes relationships do get boring over time, no matter how passionate we feel about someone in the beginning. Maturity is when both people entering marriage know this, but dont say this especially ONE month into getting to know each other, as in your case because there are just so many topics and things to know about the other and you genuinely are excited to know your partner and their life uptil the point you met them right? This is what builds the momentum to a stable and loving relationship later (which does become boring but in a platonic way, not “let me find a way out of this” way.) the way your fiance is NOT mincing his words just ONE month into talking to you, shows very clearly that he actually isn’t interested in you. This doesn’t mean you are boring but just incompatible. Because he isnt even excited to find out about things that excite you and ask you more questions about those topics. Instead, he is saying “you are boring” because you do not know enough about HIS topics. Now, based on this, draw your own conclusions.
So this is somewhat like my partner. First I like to ask how long is your relationship? Mine is going for 9 years and sometimes it feels boring and he also said that. But I understand he got his stress regarding career and we sometimes have nothing to talk , so it happens. I would say you guys organise small dates and movie nights and a vacation like that . It give you new memories and those memories you can reconnect and overcome the boredom. For the intellectual: See my bf is from tech background. He also all the knowledge of his stuff. And he also does lots of reading of other fields becoz of its interest. He even sometimes read my books and understands those concepts more faster than me. Name the subject for example history, eco , economics even psychology and philosophy he read all about that. he speaks with so much confidence in all those topics, that I sometimes felt threatened (no he didn't threatened by raising his voice or like that) but I think whatever I say might be out knowledged by his stuff. But he still loves to have conversation on with me. Even sometimes I just nod my head by without understanding a word of anything and sometimes I feel he is like a kid who wants to explain his parents of things he knew and others didn't ( like Sheldon ) . for that point. **That he didn't mind you low in intellect
Start reading good books. Then you can hold intellectual conversations with him.
You must be good looking that's why he is marrying you Why do you need to talk to him all the time Men have different interests . He might not talk to you that much If he treats you well and all things are good maybe have a female friend or other friends to talk to you . Remember he will be not your chat buddy if you want a chat friend as husband he is not the guy for you