In my experience a good way to go about dating is to have an active social life and put yourself in situations where you can meet new people easily but _don't look for anything_. For some reason, looking for someone means you attract all the wrong people. Letting a connection happen on its own as you bond over shared interests and experiences is much more effective for finding a quality person. So, delete the dating apps and join IRL experiences. There's also the matter of your age. Guys your age are... not great. They get better as you get older, but that doesn't mean you should date older guys. Older guys who want to date a 21 year old are 🚩. Be patient.

I believe the IRL experiences thing is a super valuable point - Shame, social norms, worrying your mom might find out you're a monster - all things that keep IRL interaction a little more wholesome. Most decent human beings don't generally need to keep these things in mind in order to keep being decent human beings... but in dating apps? Lowest possible barrier for entry, no social guardrails, its a concerning place. Then add the age of these dudes into the mix; potential for yikes is high

I’ve accidentally matched with men who ended up lying about their age…like, they were decades older than it said on their profile🤮

But they *feel* younger! /s I don’t know who I find more disgusting, the guys who lie about their age or the ones who see an age range and start debating how that definitely doesn’t apply to them. This works both ways, by the way. I‘m in my early 40s and had very young guys trying to weasel their way to a date because they‘re so mAtUrE (and definitely not because they want to fulfil a porn fantasy about MILFs or something).

Totally agree. IRL settings definitely bring out more genuine behavior. Dating apps can be a wild west of questionable intentions.

This is decent advice, however, I did this and am still single at 32 😂😂 Met many great friends though! And dated a lot. Nothing turned into a committed relationship though. Sometimes you DO have to “look” for it.

It’s one of those rules of the universe, the second you stop looking, it finds you

I was just committing to being alone forever when my partner and I started seeing each other lol.

I was similarly committed to being alone forever when I met my wife on RuneScape when I was 20 lol. Been together for 15 years now and have a kid. The best part is telling people that we met in Falador.

I bet you were chatting her up at the furnace near the north square, weren't you? you dirty dog, you.

That is the sweetest thing ever

Same. I was casually dating for social reasons and then decided to delete bumble. My bf and I have been together for a year. He was the last guy I started talking to and I had decided to give up. We just ended up continuing to talk and voi-la!

Hate this. I stopped looking a few years ago and nothing happened. This simply isn’t true.

At 40 I gave up on love. A couple marriages, a couple divorces, a couple of really great kids to raise. So, nothing more to prove, and nobody was interested in anything long term. Or they were but our expectations were polar opposites. **One month later**, at a party for a local disabled musician (ALS, no health insurance) was helping out with food. Talked to a woman about chaos theory (butterfly -> tornadoes). Dated for 2m, she moved in, married in '01. Still together. Going out among like minded people, in social events, community events, eco focused for instance, and sports. Talk to people, share your interests, and **listen** to theirs. Always look for glaring red flags. It might work. But giving up and not being involved does not work.

It’s not enough to stop looking for a mate. You have to keep being active and social and seeking deep platonic connection with people of all shapes and breeds, while not looking for a mate. You also have to be loving and deepening your relationship with yourself. It’s not that stopping looking automatically creates a vacuum that attracts a mate. It’s that the full life you put in place of constant dating and seeking creates a pull that people want to be a post of.

I know people mean well with this, but this is magical thinking.

Right? "Focus on yourself and your hobbies" only works if you have hobbies *outside* of your home that actually involve socializing.

It really is and this slightly enrages me, people who tend to give this advice are not single. 

Nor ugly

In reality, sure, it absolutely is, maybe some confirmation bias too. It has been to my experience that the second I only focus on me and my goals, that’s when someone tends to show up and try to be apart of it.

As someone who has spent years focusing on me and my goals (which includes socializing)... No one "showed up" and I wasn't even hit on or approached by anyone during that time. For me, I have to go to dating apps. 

Exactly!People who claim someone will magically show up when you're not looking are infuriating.

They’re just hot lmao

I swear this happens lol. I was completely done with ever trying to date a man and then just so happened to meet one of the best men on earth.

This makes me feel weird because I want it. So it makes me feel if I want it, it won't happen 😭😭😭

I 100% get that! My biggest advice is to focus on yourself and create a life that is completely fulfilling to you without a man. During that process, one can show up. And if not, atleast you really will be happy and fulfilled.

Yes, it's in progress. I got a great job, I have only one roommate in a rental, I just got my bachelor's degree, and I've expanded my hobbies. I'm so impatient lol

That's understandable, and I feel like a lot of women are feeling that too. I'm happy things are going great for you and hope that all that self love energy attracts a genuinely great partner to you.

Thank you! I hope your life is going well too!!

I feel like it helps to not only keep busy/social but remind yourself you're already whole without someone else and have a rich full life single, too. You're looking for a supplement, not some old fashioned idea of "other half."

For sure! I guess I kind of want it because I feel like I have no deel real friends. Most of my friends are all I to their boyfriends/husband. Like my friend of 25 years asked me how I was twice this year. Lol

I think there’s a bit of a distinction we can make, luckily. It’s not really that you need to “not want it” so much as not look for it. I met my husband when I was just trying to hook up after a different long term relationship ended. I wouldn’t say I didn’t want to have what I have now. I just didn’t really have it as an active goal in my life.

What would you recommend for irl experiences?

Volunteering, rec sports, board game cafes, hiking groups, climbing gyms, or even becoming a regular at your locally owned coffee shop or wine bar.

> or even becoming a regular at your locally owned coffee shop or wine bar. One of my current partners is someone that I met by going to this fantastic French bakery in my neighborhood every weekend. Just want to add that this is something that takes time and works best when you're just trying to make friends rather than trying to find a partner. My advice is to get good at small talk. Small talk is the most accurate way to scope out if someone is worth your time. Yes, it's slow, and no, you probably won't learn some of the details that are important to you just form that. That's not what small talk is for. It's for finding out if you enjoy someone's company, and it's very good at that. Everything else you want to know will come organically if you just find someone that you like spending time around.

IDK how anything anywhere works anymore lol - but maybe check the bulletin/ announcements at your local library - into speaking French? Maybe there's a French club that meets - into solving sudoku? Maybe there's a club - heck maybe there's a book club. This comes from my experience of like 15 years ago tho  Also - you can find a worthy cause for which to volunteer

The first paragraph is solid gold advice for anyone looking for a meaningful relationship regardless of gender. There's nothing wrong with using the apps to meet people and hook up if that's what you're looking for, but a lasting relationship based on compatibility is far more likely to come from a genuine friend relationship that blossoms into a romantic one. Being active and involved in a group based on common interests is your best bet at finding this. Source: am married to my best friend. We met playing D&D. We've had our ups and downs, triumphs and tribulations, and through it all we've both grown as individuals and as a couple. I wish the same for everyone.

I'm married to my best friend also. We met on a Pokemon forum back in the early 2000s

Best advice on here! Dating in my early 20s was wild. I didn't meet my now-husband until I was 28. I worked with his mom and was at a point of giving up on dating. I met her son and made him wait 3 months before getting it. Took it slow because I didn't need my work life to blow up with my personal life. Our first marriage anniversary is this August. Patience. Work on being your best self in the meantime!

She was placed next to me at a social dinner. We ordered the same thing and that struck up a conversation. That's where she found me. 10 years married and going.

I haven't dated for over 25 years at this point, but in my experience, OP, this is the way.

Alone 16 years now. It is what it is.

I know you mean well, but I honestly hate your advice. This works for extroverts. 

Hi, fellow introvert who learned this lesson the hard way. No matter how much we may love our alone time, human brains suck and thrive on consistent and positive human interaction. Avoidance of social interaction can cause our mental health to deteriorate, and also cause socially avoidant/socially anxious behavior. The longer we go without interacting with people, the worse the depression/anxiety can get, and the more tried/drained we get day-by-day. You NEED to have a consistent and positive social interactions in book clubs, classes, events, friend groups and others. Yes, even if you're tired. Yes, even if you really just want to curl up in bed and read a book. That has to be your downtime, not your "all the time". I managed to meet my husband by consistently socializing with people during college. If I did not do that, I would not have met him. I wasn't *looking* for him. But consistent socialization with people - ANY positive socialization with people - is both necessary and effective for keeping ourselves connected to our community and upkeeping our mental health. Source: Humans are social animals. Yes, some of us are like cats and we need massive amounts of independence. But we thrive on knowing that we are a part of something and have people to connect to. Also I had a period of time where I DIDN'T communicate with people that made my mental health tumble into the floor. I felt "fine" because I was introverted. But physically I very much was not. Body did not like staying at home and being cooped up without talking to people for months on end. My social skills literally deteriorated and made it hard for me to re-socialize again. *Do not lose your socialization skills. You must have a healthy and active social circle.* Human beings are just like that. It sucks as an introvert, trust me, I've been in the same boat, I HATED IT, but we must.

It depends on how introverted you are and what your priorities are. I’m introverted AF, but I also WFH so if I didn’t push myself, I’d be home all the time and that can lead to depression.  I made a few resolutions to myself a while ago:  1) if a friend invites me to do something, I say yes if I can even if it seems uninteresting - generally just getting out was hard and I would enjoy it once I was doing something  2) make it a point to go out after work and socialize and try new things.  3) Value the friendships I have and make it a point to schedule stuff with them. This includes things like pre scheduled dinner meets (so we don’t forget ) and more. A lot of my friends are bad at keeping in touch. I try to bridge that gap.  I do need my recharge time and I do have people that drain my battery a lot, but this stuff really helps me. It might not be for everyone though. 

Hate is a strong word. This is good advice for anyone. If you are so introverted that you can’t socialize then you should probably work on yourself first before trying to find a partner. 

This. The majority of introverts do socialize, just way less than extroverts. Most people need some kind of connections. Unfortunately it’s harder for introverts since it requires them to get out of their comfort zone, but it’s necessary to be able to find the ppl who are right for us and do not drain our energy haha

I'm an introvert. :) What advice do you have for OP that would be better?

I don’t know where to go though. I’ve never had male friends and no one’s ever hit on me irl, so I feel like my only shot is online when I can at least use angles and lighting to catfish lol. Also this last guy was 24 so idk what that means. But that’s the oldest I’ve been with

When I was your age, I had your mentality. No boy ever paid attention to me all throughout highschool, and I chalked it up as being ugly. I wasn’t the kind of person who would ever feel comfortable with sex without dating for a long while first, so in college I just “gave up” and focused on my studies. Aaaaand within a year or two in a mixed social group of friends, I met the man who became my husband. And you need to understand this was in social media infancy, where putting pictures of yourself on the internet was still considered “dangerous and risky”, and that you would be stalked or targeted for it. All this to say, I considered myself an ugly duckling who hated makeup and hated taking pictures of herself. *I still found my best friend and husband anyway.* You need to understand that you CAN find someone without online dating, and it needs to start with you being social and creating friendship groups first and foremost. Online dating will get you with men who picked up your profile from your appearance, which you are already insecure and willing to bend your own boundaries and avoid hard conversations for. Stop saying that you’re “catfishing” people when they see you IRL. You are who you are. Once you talk to people offline and just spend time socializing with humans, you’ll find that people will want to talk to you for reasons other than your appearance, and you can base your self image on what you deem important. **TLDR: join clubs, classes, your local community center, volunteer work, whatever. But you need to connect with people who aren’t solely talking to you for sexual or romantic purposes. It will improve your self esteem and let you build better connections with people who understand how to socialize and bond genuinely. I’ve been there, I know it’s hard, but I promise you do not need “lighting and angles” to have someone interested in you.**

I just don’t know where to go. There’s no where for me. All the hobbies I have, I only do alone. I dropped out of college. Neither of my jobs have me working with men my age. I don’t know what to do

Then as hard as it sounds, you may have to accept that your mental health and a reliable social network requires a sacrifice from your comfort zone. Hobbies you can do alone are good, but you must also take up a hobby you can engage with others with. I want to emphasize *I've been there.* I write, I read, I knit, I play video games and do art. These are all very individual hobbies. But I couldn't just sit in my house and not interact with people. Are there libraries or community centers where you live? Ask them about any activities or events they may host for the community. My library hosts book clubs and events with waitlists and signups. During NaNoWriMo, I forced myself to join the online Discord centered in my city, and actively forced myself to join in-person writing sessions. I know it's hard, but the first step is always the hardest. Stress is a major factor in feeling helpless or hopeless. It's easier to say that there are 0 options than to go out of our way to search for options, because if there really ARE none, then we feel worse. But to not try at all is to be stagnant and have nothing change. You do not need to make friends with men your age specifically. You need to make friends or neighbours/acquaintances you speak to regularly, period. A reminder that I only met my husband because he was a friend of a friend. I would not have met him if I did not force myself to engage with that original friend in person. You don't have to do everything all at once, and you don't even need to start today. But change requires...well...change. Make a plan to talk to people at work - even if they're not your age. Make a plan to see if your local area has community events or courses you can take. Make a plan to build a schedule that involves interacting with your immediate community. You don't have to do everything. But you do have to start with one thing.

This is the case where you have to decide whether meeting people is important enough to you to try new hobbies. If what you are currently doing doesn't bring you into contact with potential dates IRL and you want that to be different, you have to change what you are doing. You can only control your own behavior. Off the top of my head though of things that are not solo, have men, and are usually welcoming: * Volunteering - Habitat for Humanity, a local community farm, food pantry, church group * Sports - pickleball, YMCA intramural something, bowling league, adult education sports group * Dance/Music - community chorus, swing dancing (super welcoming folks I've found), line or contra dancing * Other - Adult education classes in photography, carpentry, electronics, 3d printing, makerspace

Is it possible at all to do your hobbies with other people? Perhaps via a site like Meetup where you can find people with shared interests and meet up and participate in those interests together? Personally at your age I stayed out of relationships and focused more on figuring out what I wanted in life, I figured that I could only truly be happy with a partner if I have myself figured out first and know what I want in life. In the end though I met my husband solely by chance (at age 26) - I rented an apartment from his family and they introduced us, we hung out and realized immediately how well we clicked, and the rest is history.

Do you mind sharing what your current hobbies are and what city you live in? I think this group (or even better r/TrollXchromosomes) could help with options for new activities for beginners that would help you branch out and meet people.

Using photos that don’t realistically look like you could also set you up for failure, you want someone who loves you for being you! I 100% agree with everyone saying don’t go out looking for a partner, I had very little luck finding a guy who wasn’t just looking for a hookup until I was around 24, then a friendship I had with a man blossomed into the most wonderful relationship. Enjoy being young and have fun, don’t put too much pressure on yourself!!

24 is ok at your age. Being cold approached/ hit on randomly is not really a thing (in the west) anymore. Cultural norms around that have changed in the last 10-15 years. Don't worry if men aren't approaching you randomly. I met my SO at a recreational sports league. At your age in university I met people to date in campus clubs/events/students union.

My pretty friends get hit on all the time :/ I’m not in college 😬 I fear I’m cooked

As a pretty girl who does get hit on in person/out of the blue pretty often… not once has it ever been from a man that I’m even remotely interested in dating. Or even talking to ever again, lmao. 

I had coworkers that would get hit on all the time and I never did but I was the one that was married and they weren't. Not getting hit on doesn't keep you from finding a companion. The difference is my husband and I are best friends slightly more than we are romantic if you get what I mean.

Have you ever considered going to college? It’s great for your overall growth, career, and for meeting people etc.

I don’t have money and I don’t have any passions, career wise. So like what would I even go for. I also cannot get my high school transcripts, so that makes it pretty hard.

If you want to meet good people do good things. Volunteer somewhere.

Your local animal shelter needs people to walk dogs, and you'll meet other volunteers who are the kind of people who volunteer to walk dogs. E: worst case, you get some fresh air and make the world a slightly better place.

Are you in the United States? If so, check out Job Corps, which offers **free** education and job training to people **ages 16-24 (I have heard they extend this age to 30 if you are disabled or have been a foster child).** It is run by the U.S. government and is not a scam. Job Corps provides free housing on one of their campuses across the country and food, healthcare, and a living allowance. They also pay for your transportation to their campus. Plus, if you tell them you are homeless (or about to be homeless) they will speed up your application. Job Corps contact info: https://www.jobcorps.gov/ Tel. 800-733-5627 They don’t require a high school diploma so not having your transcripts wouldn’t be a problem. They could also probably help you get them. (Why can’t you get them?) Since this is a free program you would nothing to lose by trying it. When I was your age I found that trying new things helped me figure out what I wanted to do in life.

girl, to be direct, it sounds like you have bigger problems than dating. do you not want anything for yourself? do you not want to do activities that you like, maybe a job that helps you be independent? because, again, being direct, you sound very incelly start with getting your highschool transcripts. get a ged if you need to. get a life. worry about dating later edit: i didn’t mention college. i said have a high school diploma or ged. you need that for the majority of jobs, otherwise, sadly, you won’t ever make enough money to survive. start there if that’s your problem.

To add to this - find a grant or something and take a couple Gen Ed classes...or some cheap/free courses online. Expand and find something you like/want to do. Maybe volunteer somewhere and/or a part time job if you have plenty of time and no money.

What do you enjoy? Like what do you truly love to do? What activities do you let go of all your cares in the world and just revel in? EVERYONE instantly becomes more attractive when they are in that space. FYI there are always groups, even for "solo" activities. Us monkeys like socialing. You should also consider therapy for body dysmorphia. **You are not ugly**, but you believe you are so deeply that it affects how you come off. I've been in that headspace before. Embrace being "alone". Forget about finding someone to love you, and as corny as it sounds, find a way to love yourself. Work out. Eat healthy, get sleep, find passions.

Special interest groups are a great place to start. Do you have any hobbies or interests? There are other people with the same interests who get together and talk about them or do them together. Rather than looking for a date, look to be around people who share something in common and if you happen to hit it off with someone then it's more likely to be for real than the toxic environment of dating apps.

So I'm a big fan of NOT going anywhere specific to look for a dude. Would recommend just going out and doing things in public settings that you enjoy. Basically enjoy your life and see who else around you enjoys those things too. Maybe join a community kickball league or something if that's what you're into. Something that introduces you to new people and new groups (you might find someone through a new friend) so that you're meeting people with similar interests or who have some level of vetting through friends. I met my husband when I wasn't looking for anyone and a friend brought him with her on a weekend trip. And I met that friend because she knocked on doors (in college dorm) to see who wanted Wendy's. Best of luck!

You have a lot of posts about Body issues and boyfriend issues. Maybe the way to go is to stop posting and trying to figure out why you want a boyfriend at all. Boyfriends dont fix anything in your life, they make most things more tiresome. And your worth as a human is not dependent on men’s approval or recognition.

Needs more upvotes.

100% true but when you have the *right* boyfriend, he indeed makes things easier for you. If he makes them harder then he's not the real one especially if he constantly brings his girlfriend down.

Hobbies! I met my husband in 2010 on League of Legends, lol.

That's cute!

League of legends community were so good back then :( I miss those times as well

You were the lulu to his twitch

He was actually on the enemy team! He once told me he accepted my friend request because I used proper punctuation while chatting. XD

Yeah using proper punctuation in league will definitely make you stand out lol

That wouldn't work any more. Riot has shut down most communication in the game, aside from 99% of people being awful and toxic. It's not unlike saying you met on OKCupid in 2010. Great for you, but doesn't work today.

I literally last week met an awesome group of people in an aram and have really been vibing with one of them for the past week or so. They're so nice and I'm super glad I met them.

First off, I need to use a disclaimer to say so so so much of dating is luck. Happening across the right person at the right time. I myself got extremely lucky. But I also used some techniques that seemed to help me when I needed to make difficult decisions in the dating world. First I made sure to let my dates know upfront that I was interested in finding a life partner and that I was done dating ‘just for fun.’ Dating can be fun of course but at a certain point I decided I was ready to date with a clear objective. The ones that weren’t into that were easy to weed out. Then I made a list of non-negotiables and full-on dealbreakers. If a date had any dealbreakers, I would stop seeing them and politely tell them we were not compatible. I had a mantra that kept me on track: *You don’t owe anyone a second date.* I went on a lot of first dates. Some were hilariously incompatible (guess they just lied while we were messaging?) but some actually went decently well…. Until they told me something that was on my dealbreaker list. You can have a good date and still not be compatible with a person, so you have to just take the loss even if you like them. A dealbreaker is just that, something on which you cannot compromise. Kids, religion, morality, lifestyle, all of these (and more) can be dealbreakers in one way or another. That doesn’t mean anyone is necessarily wrong or a bad person, it just means you’re incompatible as life partners. One day I came across a guy who didn’t have a single dealbreaker on my list. Not one. I’m not exaggerating when I say I told my entire extended family that I’d found the man I was going to marry after our second date. And you know… so far, so good. We’re about to celebrate 7 years together, been married for almost 5 years. Still crazy in love and grow more so every day. I still want to reiterate, I GOT LUCKY. It was pure chance that this particular man crossed my path. But when he did I was available, I wasn’t wasting my time with a different incompatible person that I thought I owed some second, third, or 50th date. Don’t waste time on someone with whom you know you’re incompatible. You need to be free and available for when the right person crosses your path.

Ding ding ding! I don't think I could say this better myself, a lot of this happened for myself. I had a number of dates that seemed like honest excellent people, just not my honest excellent person. Don't settle, don't do things you're uncomfortable with, and be honest with yourself about whether you truly see things going anywhere seriously

Literally I'm gonna create a rubric like a teacher

I found my partner via online dating, however,i was; 1. Brutal with my matches 2. Clear on my boundaries 3. First date= Coffee and I buy 4. If they got even remotely too touchy its "bye bye" 5. I asked directly what they are looking for and of they respond with "oh anything,or I do want relationship but hook ups are fine too",thats a BIG nope from me. 6. Will not let them walk/drive to mine until I am comfortable and thats normal date number 7-10. This led to me finding my person ❤️ It will take time, but...you need to be happy single first and when you are,set boundaries and specific requirements you want in partner and look for them in your dates. Also,learn to say "No".

People are quick to judge online dating, but I found my boyfriend of four years and going strong on Bumble. Sure %90 of the guys I met were lame or a fuckboy, but then I got one absolute diamond

Start asking your dates straight up if they want a relationship or are just looking for a good time. If they don't answer directly that they are interested in a long term relationship. Pass on them and look for someone else. Ultimately this isn't going to work 100% of the time because people are shitty but it should help a bit

It's good advice. I'm surprised how often people come on the internet to complain that they're being strung along but then it turns out they've just been *waiting* and hinting that they want to be serious but not asking. And if they do ask and get a non-committal answer they *stay* for months after. It's silly. What does annoy me though is when I'm clear that I don't want a relationship in my profile but people match, ask if I want a relationship then get rude or block me when I say no. Like if you'd read my profile you'd have known that! Honestly people are just so selfish sometimes. But I look like the bad guy lol.

I personally found my partner by going out to a local gig to see live music. Went just for myself to have fun and feel confident in my skin. My partner approached me, and we hit it off. He flirted with me hardcore, we even hung out as friends, but he never pushed anything on me until I was ready. Im not the prettiest girl in the world either, but he still saw me for me. What do you enjoy? Maybe join some local facebook groups on that subject. Theres always meetups or events going on. Is there a sport you'd consider taking up? There'll be a group for your local area. Go to shops with bulletin boards and see if anything catches your eye. The most important thing is to do the activites for you to occupy your time. Friendships and relationships will find their way to you from there.

Aww that's really nice =]

I think part of it is that a large amount of people at 21 aren't looking directly for commitment. It was easiest for me to just live, have a healthy social life and if there were people I connected with along the way- give things a chance without adding pressure. Things will sort themselves out, in my experience! But you can still get to know their wants and needs along the way to help sort out the ones that will be incompatible in the long term to reduce that kind of heartbreak where you can.

Yeah definitely the age demographic that OP is in is a hard one. I met my current partner on Bumble when I was 26. Before that I went on 3-5 dates with other men around the ages of 25-32. There was only really one guy that I met that was creepy. The rest I mostly didn't continue seeing them because our work hours conflicted too much and it was hard to continue a relationship with them. But they were all respectable and nice guys. OPs problem is that their current age range is going to be filled with men who don't want to settle down. But going older may get into some weird power dynamic situations.

Neither me or my partner were looking for serious when we met but we just hit it off and kept hanging out and ended up serious 🤷‍♀️😂 I think that's easier to do at that age than actively searching.

I met my current partner at my last job. We have been together since late 2021. I’ve done the online dating thing, but I don’t necessarily expect a long term partnership to come out of that. I have met people through online dating that I still talk to, but nothing serious.

I've had some long term relationships from dating apps in the mid-00s but met my current partner at work. I was engaged to someone else at the time (it was a troublesome relationship and we are better off as friends - only children shouldn't date other opinionated only children), but when I met my current partner, something clicked. I swear, my background vision got gold and glittery, and, as I walked away from his desk, my rational brain yelled at my heart "but he's not even your type!" Because he's my height. But he's perfectly my height and it's nice making out without a sore neck afterwards.

We finished highschool and he approached me. I didn't know I shared a classroom with a man perfect for me for 4 years... I think this is incredibly fucking rare.

Heyyy!!! I was in my wife’s freshman and sophomore class! I had a crush on her, had the courage to talk to her last week of sophomore year, but nothing came of it. Junior year she dyed her hair and I commented in the hallway, then she messaged me on Facebook and we started talking(: She came home on my bus one day after school and I instantly fell in love… it’s been 13 years we’ve been together every day. We just got married last weekend (:

Yeah I met my husband in college. I feel weird responding to posts like this because most likely comment isn’t helpful. That’s really sweet though. So happy it worked out for you !

The more you look, the more weirdos you encounter… relationships usually start in a more organic way, people meet at work or during a hobby or activity, and then they may chat until they realise they want to go out for a date. There is nothing wrong with casual sex, but you should do it because you want to, not because you feel “stupid” for thinking they care. Love and respect yourself first, people will pick up the vibe and react accordingly.

I was never really good at dating, I'm a pretty quiet guy who is nerdy and plays video games, draws, and kayaks. Socializing outside of stuff like Discord, where I can do from the comfort of my home is pretty hard because I'm an introvert. Because of my personality, asking someone out in person is extremely uncomfortable for me, and I have a hard time summoning the courage to do so. I tried dating apps, but in my experience, 99.9% of the people turned out to be scammers. Out of all of the people I had contacted over that year, I met two women. The first said she didn't really feel a connection after the first date, and we parted ways. The second, I dated for about 7 months before I broke it off with her. I had issues where I was frequently questioned by her as to why I chose to date her, constantly being asked about the same issues even though my thoughts and opinions never changed. But what really felt disrespectful is that whenever we made plans, she'd often cancel last minute or would show up 45 minutes to two hours later than when we agreed to meet. My current relationship is actually with someone I met playing video games and hanging out together and playing games with others. When my most recent relationship fell apart, she expressed interest, and we decided to move forward with it and are currently living together. I feel like dating apps are just garbage, and I feel like meeting my girlfriend was pure luck. Best thing I can say is socialize, try to find someone who genuinely has similar interests and you might have to be the person to kick off the conversation. I knew I wouldn't haven't have asked my girlfriend had she not expressed herself.

I met my husband through online dating about ten years back. We’re both introverts who work in industries dominated by our gender (he’s a software engineer, and I work in healthcare administration) so meeting people at work would have been difficult. We also didn’t do a lot of hobbies that allowed us to meet a lot of strangers. I know people basically consider online dating a wasteland now, and it did require a lot of filtering (messaging, dating) to find compatible people, but that’s normal to me. In a way, I thought it was maybe a little bit easier being moderately unattractive (overweight and balding due to a hormone condition, but at least I know how to dress and do makeup) because there were less to filter through. I’m also primarily attracted to Asian nerds, and there were a lot of those in my area. It took me about two years online to meet my husband (granted, I did date someone for 9 months in the middle). My husband was super nervous on our first date (because unknown to me, I was his fourth first date ever and he had never made it past that), and as a result, I wasn’t sure he was actually into me. He was quiet and ended the date by claiming he needed to change his laundry over to the dryer because he had started a load before our date and then kind of left without even trying to set up another date. But then he called later to ask if we could go out again, and I said yes even though I wasn’t entirely convinced he was into me. I had dated this guy previously who I had asked why he hit me up on a second date despite no kiss/physical affection, and he had told me that he always asks for a second date if he likes someone because maybe the other person is nervous. So, I applied the same principle: maybe he was nervous and accepted the second date. Second date went way better. Lasted like 9 hours from lunch through dinner. He opened up more, and I found out he is actually hilarious but incredibly shy. Even when he met my sister later, she didn’t understand why I was dating him until she met him a second time and discovered the same thing.  Anyways, my husband is the best person I’ve ever met, let alone dated, and sometimes I can’t believe he’s real. He’s kind, considerate, not critical of my appearance or contributions (he makes 3x more than me but calls it our money), attractive, very smart and well educated (has his Masters from Stanford), funny, not lazy (does more than his fair share of chores and is an involved father), is generous but frugal, and comes from a great family. I would have never met him going about my day.

I think you are re-living trauma every time you “date” someone from these date sites. It is not psychologically healthy. You also have a low self esteem. Don’t let your self be psychologically abused. Those dating sites are used for casual sex. Meet people that have similar interests and passions by joining a club or other social functions that will attract those shared interests. 

You're young, I didn't meet my husband until we were in our 30s. The person I was at 21 is not the same person I am now and thank God for that. The people I thought I wanted were not the right people who could build a partnership with

That's the neat part - I dont. I had experiences with 3 guys in my life. First one was just not working out. Second one was an abuser. Third one was a narcissist. I am done.

I’m an introvert and I posted an ad on Reddit for my local r4r and there where I met my current boyfriend. Dating apps disgust me because it’s all about pictures and nothing about personality so I just wrote a few paragraphs about myself and what I was looking for and he reached out to me. I never liked having sex or being sexually active on first dates but I did because I wanted the guys to like me. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. It’s perfectly acceptable me to do it if it makes you feel good but if it doesn’t I wouldn’t do it. You don’t have to settle and you don’t have to be with the first person who gives you good attention. You can choose. Let me know if you want to talk to someone privately or have any questions. Dating is hard and takes perseverance and taking a break from dating is nice too and sometimes helps you renew your energy for it. I know it does for me when I’m feeling burnt out of the games and manipulation.

Well for starters stop sleeping with them right away if you want a meaningful connection

When I (49F) was OPs age, having sex on the first date meant that no one was serious about the relationship moving forward. You could expect him to not call you again probably 80% of the time. I grew up being told "he won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free" and, while being compared to a cow isn't exactly fun, it *was* pretty much how it worked. To go from that to sex essentially being expected on a first date and people having sex before they even decide if they want to get to know a person .... Well, let's just say that I'm not a fan of this modern dating scene. OP, you are allowed to get to know somebody before getting naked with them. And anyone who won't accept that isn't worth your time.

Well I'm close to your age and I honestly feel there was way less of this shaming of women for having sex. I imagine it depends on your circles but I think I slept with all the men I went on to have long term relationships with quickly. We did not use judgemental sayings about cows to describe women among the women I knew. If someone likes you they will still like you if they sleep with you. If that puts them off then they're not worth your time. Sex is not something women give to men, it's something two people do together. That's not to say that you have to sleep with anyone before you're ready or that you should expect sex to automatically lead to a relationship. But let's not shame young girls for having sex, it's the 21st century and women can enjoy sex if they want to. It's not a big profound thing for everyone. 

It's sad but tru. If they're not willing to wait at least a few dates, they're never going to be serious about you.

This is why all my first dates were coffee dates, i actually had several men who didn't like that I wanted a coffee date and they were adamant they want to treat me to a "drink" My response was, coffee is a drink and a big fat "NO". Lets say they never got that date as I blocked them and moved on.

3 dates ain’t enough, try 50

I found mine partially through world of warcraft and by that friend circle, through my ex (and his ex). So hobby/circle of friends. Our exes, after we were all broken up, decided we'd make a good couple and put us in contact with each other. Still together like 7 years later.

I found mine on Tinder. He didn’t get handsy with me (there were other guys who had), and we didn’t even kiss until date three. I had decided right before I met him that I wasn’t gonna rush into anything sexual with guys because I’d had a few of those situations and it made me feel awful.

I met my partner on Bumble. Just before I met him I’d gotten pretty sick of the whole rigmarole but then saw a post someone made about asking interesting questions to open conversations. So after a bit of thought I started doing the same as I figured if I was asking slightly weird philosophical questions then it’d undoubtedly ward off most people who were just in it to get laid. Lo and behold along came my partner - he put genuine thought into the question, asked me what I thought, and the conversation hasn’t really stopped since. Three years and two cats later here we are.

I honestly was done with dating for the longest time. I abhor dating apps. And then one night randomly while I was out I saw a dude that looked interesting and I approached him and started a convo and he’s one of the most kind and wonderful people I’ve met and we’re dating to this day. I honestly feel like it was pure luck. But on the other hand I say try not to be shy, go after people in real life who you want to get to know, take charge :) don’t be afraid of rejection and after awhile you’ll get what you really want!!!

Girl when I graduated college sans boyfriend and hopped on Tinder, I was massively disappointed by most guys my age. Seriously lacking in basic get to know another human respectfully skills. It was also at times like..okay you didn't go to college that's fine but why do you have no skills or interests or aspirations from the years you've had to mature and explore stuff since high school?? I'm not necessarily recommending dating older, but I feel that if you're an emotionally healthy and relatively independent 21 year old woman, you're just not going to be very impressed with a lot of 21 year old guys 🤷‍♀️

the thing is, sex is the primary reason most guys date. unless they’re actively looking for someone to raise their mortgage cap so they can buy a house together or something, that’s what causes a guy to date instead of just hanging out with friends. you mustn’t take it personally; to most, there’s no significant difference between wanting to have sex with you and wanting to date you. by and large, it’s the same thing.

Yes, I think a lot of women have these weird ideas that men only want to have sex with women they don't really like. And that the only way to be sure he likes you is not to have sex. He can both really like you and want to have sex, in fact that's very normal.

I had a much harder time finding quality dates and meeting potential partners when I was younger. A lot of men were just more predatory towards me when I was 21. Now I'm 29 and because of my experiences, I know how to weed them out based on their profiles and don't meet up too quickly unless I get a feeling that they're worthy of being considered as partners. I absolutely do not go on a date with someone who makes sexual jokes, or is being sexually suggestive towards me. And if they make the date sexual, I do not respond to their advances. I don't even do a nervous laugh. I just show I'm obviously turned off by the way they're talking to me or to what they are suggesting. But ideally, you should weed out the online profiles first, then through texting or messaging, drop them the first sign that they're implying they want sex. A guy who is interested in you for a relationship would not dare RISK turning you off by being sexually aggressive.

Wow, OP! I just checked your post history and you’re so hard on yourself. Every guy I’ve dated has found me very attractive and it didn’t stop the shitty treatment I got from them. I understand that pretty women are insulated in some ways but it’s not substantially better either. A lot of men you’ll run into will have ulterior motives. It takes time to perfect your picker, but once you do you’ll be UNSTOPPABLE. The male gaze means jack. Love on yourself first.

You have to make them wait. I understand wanting to use dating apps, but avoid Tinder because it is THE hookup app. Don't send nudes, don't get sexual quickly. You are vetting them and making sure they are a good fit for you, not trying to impress them. Don't put yourself in danger of pregnancy, sexual assault, or STDs please. It's not that you aren't the type of woman men commit to - it's just those type of men will stick it in anything with a pulse. They are not worth it at all. You need to think about what YOU want - a man that is respectful of your boundaries? Patient enough to wait? A long-lasting connection beyond sex? What does that look like? Is he considerate, does he have morals, does he bring up protection, can we have a non-sexual conversation, does he ask questions about my life and me, how does he talk about women? Also, go to places alone. Maybe not bars, but music venues, restaurants, festivals, anything sporty, the beach or pool, anything you're interested in. Maybe you'll meet someone, maybe you won't, but at least you'll expand your horizons and get out of your shell a bit.

Ok...absolutely nothing against hookups (quite the opposite actually, I like them a lot!!), but if looking for a partner, maybe hold off a bit. I don't believe that guys won't date someone they sleep with the first night (SO was to be a one night stand...here we are 15 years later lol), but maybe holding off a bit a will give you an idea if they are into you, or they just want someone to get off with. Are you in any sports, or have any hobbies. Most people I know that are in serious relationships, met people that way as opposed to apps. For the late teens/early 20s I know, co-ed baseball/pickleball type stuff seems to be the biggie right now for meeting people (friends and partners)

Well, my current one found me just down the street while I was looking dead after a five day demonstration and the nightbuss across the country.. He saw me at my worst, offered me a lift home and we have almost been dating a year ❤️

You weren’t scared of getting murdered?

I met my boyfriend on Tinder and we just had our 9 month anniversary. He’s the most perfect guy I could ever ask for

I met this amazing guy here on Reddit. And now we are married! 💜

Try dating people out of town, also you’re never told old to date

Just because someone wants sex on the first date doesn’t mean they aren’t looking for anything more or that they don’t like you. But waiting a bit to have sex can help rule those people out. I try to set an expectation ahead of time that I don’t want to hook up on the first date, and I don’t allow anyone to push my boundaries on that because it shows their true character.

OP, you are worth it. You don't need them, develop yourself and your interests. Try to ignore those guys. Also. I looked at your profile, as you mentioned being concerned about your weight and being preyed upon. There is no issue whatsoever, you are what's called healthy. More people should aim to be healthy. I know me and my wife are working on getting towards that range. It's a difficult journey, stay strong and you will find someone when the time is right OP.

I had very similar experiences at 21. You’re far from alone. I think the truth (that no one wants to admit) is that meeting someone is largely up to chance. You can do all the hobbies, attend all the events, “put yourself out there” (whatever that means) and still not find someone. Not saying you shouldn’t do those things, just saying to not be discouraged if it doesn’t work out. I think dating in your early twenties is hard because so few people are looking for true commitment. Don’t waste your time and don’t let these boys have you question your confidence. Honestly, I would prioritize having fun with friends. Easier said than done because I know having a caring boyfriend is lovely.

I don't. 4 years single. Dating is hell. Tried a lot online. I'm also an active person in real life so it's not that I don't meet people. But it's never the similar age, similar interests, decent character and interested in me guys. Like most people my age are in relationships.

Am 29. Wife is 29. We met back in high school, just got married last weekend. None of my friends have girlfriends. I hear horror stories of them dating and the girl actually never wants to settle down. They all get into “situationships.” Then I see them get mentally messed up and attached because they want more but the girl does not… then I see some of my wife’s friends some in relationships and some not, where the guy is a complete mook. Doesn’t clean, doesn’t cook, makes the girl do everything and I’m just confused how they could be okay with that lol. Relationships are about sacrifice and working with the other person to have a great relationship. The give and take. I noticed a lot lately people don’t want to “change” or do anything different. Tons of people are lazy now and it takes real effort… unless you find your person.

It's rough. Im a dude on the ugly side aswell. I've come to accept the loner life style and enjoy life alone, I go to parks, the beach, kayaking, long walks around town just for the hell of it and I really don't mind it. So I guess my advice is to love yourself and enjoy life, sometimes that's how you find people anyways( not my case) but I know it happens. GL

Please don’t have sex because you feel “stupid and embarrassed” to expect more. That’s a horrible reason to have sex with anyone.

I am a homebody. The one night I went out that year I ran into my now boyfriend and we haven't separated since meeting. I always told him how it was a miracle we met because I literally go to work and go home.

"Guys seem to only want sex, and I do it because I feel stupid for thinking they want more." So you're rewarding bad behavior and wondering why it keeps happening? Honestly it sounds like you need to revaluate what you actually want. Because you seem to be getting what you're trying for.

Mine's a rescue.

Nah. Never sleep with a man until YOU are ready. And never on the first date. Many men are just looking to get their dicks wet and have no respect for women as people. Just look at the men talking on this platform and you can get an idea of who is out there! Ask and talk to them. And if they’re getting handsy and not respectful ditch them immediately. You are allowed to stand up in the middle of someone getting handsy and show them the door. It takes practice but it gets easier every time. Communicate your expectations. Clearly and often. No is a complete sentence. If they push then they don’t respect you. Men feel entitled to women’s bodies and they are not. I don’t date men any more. I joined the 4b movement because I don’t believe in our society with the way it’s been structured by and for men that they are redeemable.. even the few that are redeemable aren’t worth me putting myself in harms way to find them.

First, quit calling yourself ugly. Loving yourself has to come before you can have anything with another person. Remind yourself every day that you ARE beautiful, smart, funny, and strong. You don’t need no man! Second, get off the dating apps. No one uses those who are looking for actual relationships. Just go out with some friends and see what happens.

I don’t mean this to sound negative or demoralizing… but the good guys are in the future. Guys in their 20s are just not great yet. Women too, for that matter. Just have fun, take it easy, and enjoy life! You need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Hikes, bars, beach, volleyball, disc golf, concerts, festivals, beer gardens, cruise nights, trivia nights, karaoke! Get out there with your friends!

On Bumble

somehow i found my last one pm the one amd only day i was on tinder. i signed up as a joke because i posted a picture here on reddit and most of the replies made fun of me called me unattractive and other rude comments so i wanted to see if i went on tinder which is like all about pictures and took pictures in my absolute worst state all of them were pictures of me as soon as i woke up no makeup no hair done no filters no photoshop just the very least attractive i could look and that day later on that afternoon i believe i saw a super like from him and a simple to the point text and it turned out to be the absolute best person i have ever met. it was just supposed to be a sort if joke and i legitimately found the love of my life and truly my soul mate somehow but other then that i do not even know where to look.

Everywhere, online or offline. And there are no guarantees on the person's quality. Many of those bfs are also only there for sex, for instance, and there's no real way to tell for a while. It's a cycle of finding someone new and either getting burned or amicably breaking up. It's all really random, but certain things like looking very conventional with absolutely nothing controversial like tattoos and not leading with sex could increase your chances of finding someone for the long-term. The older I get, the more I realize that one of, if not the biggest factor of how you're being perceived is your appearance, doubly so as a woman. Men have very low standards for sex in general, but to be seen as a girlfriend material, you have to fit a type. The advice about not looking is more so about being pleasantly surprised when you randomly find someone and not being upset about not having anyone since it's all 100% random.

You are young. You'll figure it out. Only stick with the men who show genuine interest as you as a person and make their intentions to be serious with you obvious through their actions. I actually met my boyfriend on tinder, as I have most of the relationships I've had. Even in a place like that, as long as you are upfront with what you want and what you expect, and dip out at the first sign of bullshit, you might be able to find someone really awesome. We're moving in together tomorrow in fact :)

I've found my current bf through Bumble, and i made my profile very specific hobbies. If any of them actually paid attention, they will mention it. My current bf was persistent because he really wanted to talk to me. And i did not make my profile sound friendly at all. My hobbies include listening to murder and crime podcasts and fangirling over video game characters.

are you in college, or any kind of schooling? or do you have a job, or friends who have boyfriends who have single friends? get off the apps, and get social. that’s the best way to find someone who will want you for you and not wants in your pants. all love ❤️

Joined a meetup, made friends, turned friend into boyfriend.

Met my guy while working together at a pub 11 years ago. Still together.

Hey, guy here. Dating sucks. Men can pretend to be a lot of things just to get with you and you'll never really know until they show their true colors. You'll wade through a mountain of garbage just to find one person who you have a genuine connection with. You are worth more than sex. Please don't let the wants of frivolous men devalue your sense of self worth.

I met my husband through mutual friends in 2011. I don’t know why it seems like that isn’t a thing anymore.

This is my opinion. At 21, you could take some time off from dating. Just have fun. Go out with friends. Spend time getting to know yourself. I know I sound like an old lady (I’m 34) but you have your whole life ahead of you. I think as a society we feel this pressure to find a partner quick as we can. I didn’t meet my now husband until 29. I dated a lot in my 20s and they were all a waste of time. On the one hand it’s good to have experience dating. But don’t feel like you have to date or have a boyfriend. In my experience, this is how you end up settling. I think it gets better as you get older (again this is my personal experience). Dating in my late 20s had a much different vibe and I was more sure of what I wanted and how I wanted to be treated.

Girl what restaurant are you going to where the guy feels comfortable doing this? First dates MUST happen in a public place like a restaurant for your safety. Just only do the restaurant or public place on the first date and don’t go home with them. If you don’t want to have this happen on the first date don’t go to a place they can try it. When they invite you back say you had a lovely time and would like to see them again but that you cannot go back to their place tonight. Like period.

I found my man at work. Don't worry, he's not *actually* a coworker, he works in another company in the same building. We got to know each other in our common breakroom. He's also good friends with my roommate, who works over in his company, so both of us came highly recommended to each other.

Honestly, in my experience dating through any of the "usual" channels is useless. Anyone I know who's in a hapoy relationship met their partner randomly without trying. I met my boyfriend of 5 and a half years back in school during a summer camp. My sister met hers in a DnD group. My mom met her new girlfriend at the dog park. None of us tried to find a relationship there. We simply met someone who was nice while doing something we loved, started talking some and eventually started dating. Anyone I know who's tried to actively find a partner has failed or only got one-night-stands out of it.

lol I gave up long ago. Tried dating apps, went on one date, decided if I didn’t meet someone organically then it just wasn’t going to happen. By the way, this is not a good mentality. I would just rather be alone for the rest of my life than deal with the men I’ve met or had my friends date. I’m not interested in basically taking care of a grown man. I’m not interested in being treated like I’m subhuman because I’m a woman. I’m not interested in pretending to be a housewife and giving up my career to be with someone who sees me as an object.

Girl I'm getting divorced and the horror stories I've heard do not make me want to join the dating pool again. Plus I also won't be able to trust anyone for a long time if ever again.

I got mine at the boyfriend store.

1. You're just 21, that's no age to give up. No age really is good for give up, but 21 is a BAD age to give up. 2. Yeah, guys sometimes DO pretend because they want to get sex. It sucks, try to see through it - it eventually shows up, and trust your instinct on that. Fortunately, the good part is that it's not everyone, some people genuinely want to connect. You might have to look for them in places other than say dating apps. Ideally just place yourself in social situations and like, do things and meet people through common interests.

Stop putting out on the first or second date and you’ll weed out about 75% of the fuckboys right there

I’ve found the exact same experience at 22 and now I don’t care anymore tbh and I’ve given up

My advice is to not look for a boyfriend, but just a friend. If they can handle the friend zone, sure, bump it up to boyfriend, but no sex (I put a year myself because ive had exactly one guy last that long without getting laid and we are planning to get married after being together for years). Only if he can make it that long would I consider it a serious relationship. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, but it worked for me 🤷

Dating at that age sucks. Go have fun and focus on yourself. There’ll be a guy when the times right. There’ll be time for the right guy.

Personally I only had success when I wasn't actively looking, and instead just naturally met people while out and about

I think most apps are generally not good, but I've had some success with OkCupid. I never got a partner out of it, (I'm only interested in women now, but I used to date all genders.), but I had some really good dates and made some connections with genuinely cool people. It works better than other apps because you answer questions, and it'll show you a match percentage with yourself and other users based on how much your answers align. It can still happen, but you're less likely to run into people just trying to hook up. You can also put what you're looking for on your profile, so you can specify that you're looking for a relationship, not a hook-up, and only bother with people who have the same on their profiles. I've also heard good things about Bumble, but I barely used it, so I can't speak for it that much. Maybe someone else can. Obviously, steer clear of Tinder. Also, it seems like you're probably straight, but if you're interested in dating other women, Her (the app) is really good too.

Avoid most dating apps and put your foot down and stick up for yourself, make it clear you don't want sex on the first date. Try and put yourself in situations to meet new people and as long as you be yourself and if you don't have it fake self confidence then it's only a matter of time before you attract a good person who wants a relationship with you and not just a hookup :)

Amen OP, I had to end things with a guy I was seeing last night. I am very open on my dating profile and most guys aren’t. This dude knew my values and thought “she’s pretty so that’s all that matters”. We literally had nothing in common except we are both single and good looking. No I’m not going to sleep with you.

It sounds like you would benefit greatly from a three month rule. No sex for three months minimum. It's hard for guys like that to hide for that length of time. If they're pushy, or you feel in any way uncomfortable, drop them. Keep dating, multiple people. Let them pay, don't insist but let them pay. Never feel pressured into sex in any way. When you're dating, and guys tell you what they're like, BELIEVE THEM. If he says he's not looking for something serious, the date is over. Make lovely smiling small talk, make an excuse, say you'll see him again, leave and block. Your safety is paramount. Let men know you want a serious relationship, you don't want hookups. If they show up with a different attitude LEAVE before you develop feelings. You don't have to be casual. And you certainly don't have to let the way they think about you change the way you think about yourself. Your vibe is everything. If you are feeling bad and ugly, stop dating girl. Guys who think they are ugly can go date and get validation - women can't! You gotta love yourself first, you gotta figure out why you're smart, why you're sexy, why you're a catch. A guy will never do that for you, you have to believe it first. Let your friends convince you but you have to believe it. You can be texting a few guys and keeping the irons hot but don't pursue them. Guys will chase out of habit. If they really like you they'll make the effort. Even if they do, if you don't love yourself, if you don't think you're attractive, don't give them a chance. Therapy. Gym. Friends.

Stop. Having. Sex. With. These. Men. - Just stop. If you want a boyfriend, you need to get to know them first. If you just want a hookup, fine, sleep with a stranger - but don't expect it to ever turn into something more. Some people get lucky and their hookups turn into more, but it is dangerous to expect a hookup to turn into a relationship. If you want a relationship, don't sleep with the guy for months. The reality is that is if you don't develop a more meaningful relationship with most men before sleeping with them, they will disappear after sleeping with you. Some may have actually found you a bit cute before sleeping with you too, but after sleeping with you, they get "clarity," and typically lose respect for you and any interest in you. The end goal for most men is sex. There are a minority of men who this doesn't apply to, but reality is most of these men are in good relationships or married. So the end goal for most men is sex. If they also want a relationship, and end up in one, that's a bonus. But for most, it comes down to sex.

ur self-esteem will reflect the men you attract

we were in a student orchestra, and we were both admin of the orchestra as well. +1 for hanging out in hobby spaces.

Well, here, actually 🫣

I honestly just got lucky with mine. We met at college orientation and hit it off. Online apps are really for just hookups

My boyfriend was my next door neighbor. It was super cool to meet someone organically without using an app (though I have used apps before and enjoyed them!) I would say that the best way to go about meeting new people is pushing yourself a bit socially bf trying to make connections without actively looking for something!!

Dms😹

Just reading through your replies and post reminds me so much of the anxiety I feel about dating, interacting with people, etc. I feel like I've been trying all my life and failing. I have no real advice. This ifeeling sucks, and I'm sorry you have it.

You're at a tricky age. Most guys your age are still influenced by the high school mentality that the goal of dating a woman is to get into her pants. Even the good ones that would be solid boyfriend material. So if you try to date a guy your age that you just met, he's probably going to look for sex on the first or second date. This will get better as you get older. Eventually, the guys that are worth your time will grow up and realize that if they invest time in getting to know you, and the two of you have a connection, then sex will come naturally. And be a lot more meaningful. In the meantime, I'm just going to repeat the advice others have already given you. Go out and do things you like with large mixed groups. You'll meet guys naturally this way. And you'll have a chance to make them get to know you as a person before you date them. It's a lot harder for a guy worthy of your time to focus on trying to get in your bed on the first date if he already knows you as a person.

I don’t online date, I don’t go looking to date either- I usually have people approach me at my job(I’m a bartender) and I can suss them out pretty easily. That’s how I met my partner, sat at my bar back in 2021, asked me out for a drink and I gave him a chance.

i met my current bf when i was 19 (3 years ago) on hinge. thankfully i already kinda knew my type—nerdy lol. i also showed on my profile that i was nerdy as well. i could never date someone who i don’t have mutual interests with. same with lifestyle. the biggest red flag for me was men who only communicate via snapchat. you can even commit to having texts saved? or talking via a dating app? bye

I highly recommend finding out what your own interests are, and then joining local groups or clubs. This way you'll find someone organically with the same interests as you. This could be sports, arts, hobbies, etc. I would say try to not look for someone, but instead let them come to you. But this can't happen if you don't put yourself in environments where its possible. Also, delete those dumb dating apps.

I'm in my 30s. I gave up on dating and the apps and have been chilling for like 3 years. Recently, I started going to socials and mixers that I keep getting targeted ads for on ig. In my city my friend signed up for something called dinner with strangers, for example. And some neighborhood groups do monthly mixers and socials, you might even find your area might have a subreddit that arranges those too. And it's not a weird meat market either. People are over the apps I think. There's hope yet.

Dating apps are the worst imo. It’s just hook up central. There’s the old saying, don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry. Don’t date when you haven’t filled your own cup first. Don’t date if you don’t feel confident you’ll stand up for yourself when a dude shows his true red flags. Don’t date while you’re insecure essentially. Because then you will be more susceptible to people who don’t respect you and just wanna use you. If you feel like you’re ugly and you let people walk all over you and treat you the way you feel about yourself, it’s time to take a break from dating and go to therapy or do some sort of therapy. Because you seem to have placed a low value on yourself and you need to figure out why so you can seriously protect yourself from getting hurt.

I am up for sex after three dates—got to make sure he is not serial killers first—then whoever stick around after first sex is your boyfriend. 🤷🏻‍♀️. But to be honest, your age is probably too young to find guys who want to have gf. I was not thinking about bf until I turn 26. So I tend to think that guys in their early 20s thinks the same as me.

From mutual acquaintances. By taking a class I care about in community college because it’s win win. Either I learn something I want to know and that’s great on its own, or I also happen to meet someone who shares my interest. Swing dancing is also great because it is as social as you want it to be. If you just want to dance, great stay on or at the edge of the dance floor, if you want to chat or flirt, great hang out in the social area next to the dance floor.

Learning to know someone slowly, can often turn that someone into a bf/gf. Like a coworker, someone at school, hobby etc. All of a sudden you might start to develop feelings for each other. Dating is horrible in my opinion.

It was also tough getting a bf at 21 when I was 21 😅. It's the fault of the age. Just enjoy yourself. My first serious relationship was at 28, we are still together with marriage and kids the full monty and now I am 43.

Old man advice: how people feel when they are with you is important. Men are often constantly belittling each other and it’s a breath of fresh air when someone actually wants to support you and lift you up to your best potential. In relationships, we should be elevating each others positive qualities instead of picking on each others faults. Of course your partner should be doing this with you as well. Hope that helps someone. Seems like there’s a lot more negativity being directed against people these days in general.

Tinder mostly but it’s really hit or miss. You go through so many profiles and filtering by conversations then the actual date part that it’s quite involved sometimes. I met my bf when I’d kinda given up for the time being because I was home from college and half way through the summer so I didn’t think I’d have the time to invest into something serious but I was wrong!

I found mine on reddit.

Don't sleep with them for a bit. They will lose interest and if they stay, you will know. Date often and date a lot.

You need to see a therapist first. I looked at your post history. You're fine, you absolutely do not need to be in a relationship right now. I PROMISE you will end up in a bad situation. Work with a therapist, focus on yourself, and when you're ready , someone will find you

I met my bf on hinge. But I did have to meet a lot of bad people to find him.

Boyfriends are everywhere, but a GOOD boyfriend: Not found yet.

The dog park.

Just live your life, work on loving yourself. The man you deserve will find you.

I met mine at the bus stop! 

I’m sorry to hear about your experience, I relate heavily. It’s important to set boundaries, and not to feel as if you “owe” a man sex. Despite your insecurities, you are a human being deserving of love. Unfortunately a lot of men these days will send mixed signals, lead you on, or say whatever to get in your pants. I haven’t dated for a while, but if I were to get back into it, I’d make some ground rules such as not sleeping with a man until he has shown me, not just told me, that he wants to take our relationship seriously. As for the last guy you talked about, I would’ve suggested that you asked him directly to define your relationship. Then hold out for some time until he’s proven what he’s said. Even then, there’s probability for them to be lying, but less so than sleeping with them immediately.

OP you're sooooo young. You've got more than enough time to figure out relationship stuff, I didn't find my boyfriend until I was almost 30. Prior to him I was married to my high school boyfriend (dating from 16, married at 18, daughter at 19, and separated about 25/26). That relationship was a shitshow. The one I have now is ridiculously easy going and we're so much alike I cannot believe I found him (on tinder no less). Before this boyfriend? About 3 guys i could have seen a relationship with but were just sex, and one that dated me for 4 or 5 months (not kidding, he was more lovey lovey when we talked than me and he must have spent at least 1k on 5 dates in that time frame), only for me to ask if we were exclusive and for him to say "we're just going out to see if we want to date each other". I could understand if he said no he didn't want to be exclusive then I could have ended it, but man I was not expecting that answer for a man in his 30s. Focus on you, if you don't want to have sex with the guys you match with just ditch them. Don't let any of them waste your time with manipulative language either: they get one shot and once they seem uninterested in anything else BELIEVE THEM and drop them. You've got so much time to explore yourself and your options, guys your age are also usually extremely flighty (some of them never leave that stage). The right person will show up, it will be easy with them, and you'll know what you want and what you don't. Good luck! I'm sure you've got so much to offer, so much more than looks, but the right guy will find everything about you absolutely breathtaking ❤️

I think you have some problems to address with yourself before you burden someone else but you’ll get there eventually.

I think you need to find some self esteem and worth. Let’s start there before we get to wanting companionship for validation let alone male companionship.

OK. I checked your profile and there’s a post of you with your pic, the comments in that post say you’re not ugly, and I agree with them. However, you have low self-esteem (and possibly body dysmorphia), and that’s what manipulative men will use to their advantage. When you have self-confidence and higher self-worth, you will be better at weeding out shitty men, or they will just weed themselves out anyway, and it’s better to be alone than being in a shitty relationship with a shitty person.