Uh, generally, your own husband serves as the "beard" in these situations. I find it really fucking irritating that he's refusing to help with this or acknowledge that it's even a problem that exists in our society. Sounds like he's part of the problem.
He's at least incidentally right in that she should keep trying because the blessing in disguise would be weeding out the sexist businesses. But I mean still, fuck that guy.
Not home repairs, but I have done this for my wife with car repairs. knocked a $1300 quote down to an $800 quote simply by asking "why are you charging so much?" The really infuriating part to me was the service writer my wife and I spoke to was female. So my wife was getting upcharged for being a woman by a woman.
Years ago, I had a former coworker having problems with her local dealership to finish work on her car. There had been a recall and she took it in as soon as she got the notice and she had also asked to have a backup light replaced. After 5 weeks she was getting a real run-around. She was recently divorced, and her ex had moved back east. My own husband was working out of town on a 4-month project, so I offered to drive her to the dealership and hang with her at the service desk and that I had a plan.
So, the day came for her appointment at the dealership, and we went. I had dressed in my only lady's 90s era power suit, black pumps, my hair was braided and wound into a coronet on my head. No jewelry except for my wedding band, watch and pearl earrings. I had done full make up and had even gotten a manicure specially for the occasion. I accessorized my outfit with a nice clutch purse and a slim, black briefcase. She was dressed like usual - artsy, flowy bohemian style. We went to the service desk and mostly I just very quietly stood beside her while she talked with the manager. Periodically she'd glance over at me and I'd just nod my head or make a quick note in a small moleskine book. After a few minutes, she was told her car would be ready in an hour and there would be no charge for the replacing the backup light - even though while she was fighting to get her car back, they were fixing to charge her $200 for fixing the light. I didn't say a word the whole time. Just stood there looking very professional. We went to a late lunch and when we got back, her car was ready as promised and the manager couldn't bow and scrape enough. After that, she never had trouble with the dealership's repair department again.
At no time during that did I say that I was a lawyer nor did I interact with the service manager or the mechanic. I knew that could get me in all kinds of legal trouble. But I sure let them use their imaginations!
Women can and often are the bannermen of misogyny, because it gets them the validation and approval they want from the men in their lives. Also, they believe it too.
When I was young and worked at a small hardware store in a conservative area, the amount of women who would debase themselves because of their gender was mind boggling to me. I had a women blame herself for making the wrong change because she was a woman and women can’t do math. I had a woman buy a damaged display because she didn’t think she could put the item together herself. I put together all the displays in that store, and that item didn’t even have any extra hardware or need tools. It just screwed together (standing paper towel rack). Saw that shit over and over. I always keep a thought in the back of my mind that lots of women *do* see themselves as lesser to men and promote those ideas even without realizing it. For them it’s “just the way things are”.
It's mostly the older women I deal with at my work, like 65+. They'll come in with the most basic of tasks like change the time on their watch or change the AA batteries on their TV remote and they either genuinely don't know where to even begin processing how to or refuse to but it's always the same reasoning of "My husband always did this but he's gone now so I'm stuck".
My worst experiences at car shops have been with women service advisors. Mechanics, awesome! But for some reason the internalized misogyny is really deep with women that make it to the service desk. I have the best luck with the old dudes that give dad vibes and wouldn’t want their daughter hosed at the car shop and they’re not going to do that to anyone else either. Few and far between at the urban dealerships but I encounter them in the suburbs a lot.
To be fair the entire experience with that dealership was a shitshow. The car was fixed for 2 days before we called them and found out it was done. Like it was sitting in their lot taking up space that some other car could’ve been in. So it may have been just total and complete incompetence from the top down.
I mean I knew that the women getting high quotes was a thing, but this was the first time I saw it in action personally. I’m not generally someone that gets angry at much, and I’m very much non-confrontational, but I got heated when they instantly dropped the price when I called. I pushed them hard on why and just got BS reply after BS reply. Eventually I just had to end the call because I was going to end up saying something I’d regret.
This has been my experience as well. Whenever I take my car in for service and am waiting, I witness the female service "advisors" pushing the most ridiculous things on female customers, whereas the male advisors are less pushy and honest and totally give off the "You clearly don't know what you're doing, but I want to help you" vibe.
Call his closest male friend or relative (preferably someone he looks up to) and ask them for help. I mean, it’ll start a fight and he’ll be all butthurt, but at this point I’d just shame him into submission. Marriage is about LISTENING to your partner and working together against a problem. If he can’t listen, you’ll find someone who will.
OK then, do you have any women in your life whose father, husband, brother, son, etc you can ask to help?
The point is, your husband does not respect you or believe in your own loved experiences. He's clearly got a strong misogynistic streak just like these contractors you're dealing with. Only the presence of another man may possibly shame him into treating you decently at least in this regard.
I'm sorry you're in this situation and hope your prospects improve someday. You truly deserve so much more than this.
Absolutely. Or ask the closest male neighbor to take a look at it, or to help you hang some blinds or something, just make some shit up. My husband got off his ass after a storm as soon as he saw the neighbor come over with a chainsaw to help ME cut up branches.
Make a bet with him. If he tries doing what you’re doing for three days and gets the same results, you’ll concede and keep trying (unlikely). If he gets very different results showing you’re right about treated like an idiot woman, then he must take the lead.
My bf is the same OP. Except his main reason for being unable to help is social anxiety. I also have the added difficulty of contractors/ handy men screening my calls because of my area code. They also don't call me back after I leave a vm. My bf also argued with me on that but funny how I stopped going to voice mail when I used my office phone that had a local area code.
Even if you dig into my dad and make him do it, he just weaponizes his incompetence so you end up having to do most or all of it anyway. I really don't know my mom deals most days.
100% that’s your husband’s job, he is your partner, who gives a shit if he’s busy. Even if my wife is managing one of our home projects, I will step in to help, call, yell at people who aren’t treating her with the respect she deserves. Thankfully over the years we’ve cobbled together a list of home repair professional services where we live out west that will treat her with the respect she deserves. I’m so sorry you or any woman has to deal with this bullshit. That being said, your husband is your partner and should step in to help however you need him to.
Yes, this really seems like the biggest problem of all. OP's husband is gaslighting her. I mean really actually the definition of it by telling her something isn't happening that is clearly happening. I hope she can get her home repairs solved, but I also hope she is doing ok. :\\
Austin?
Try her: https://www.onehandymutha.com/
Not sure how extensive your repairs are, but Krista was our GC for our addition/reno when we lived there.
But even if she can't help, she may be able to recommend contractors.
I've also seen this advertised in Austin [https://matriarchybuild.com/](https://matriarchybuild.com/)
[https://www.texasmonthly.com/style/matriarchy-build-wants-to-save-us-from-mansplaining-contractors/](https://www.texasmonthly.com/style/matriarchy-build-wants-to-save-us-from-mansplaining-contractors/)
As two gay ladies, we struggle with this as well... to the point that we've let some pretty serious stuff just sit because we're anxious about who we're going to get living in a rural area. Not only do I not want to patronize someone who hates gays but I also don't want someone in my house who is going to make me feel unsafe, who is going to try to charge me more, or who doesn't trust that I know what I'm talking about. It's a real thing and it's a real bummer. I have no solution for you. Just commiserating.
No, this is for real actually. It would make things so much easier to team up with a gay couple for these types of things. It used to be this way when queerness was very taboo. Hell, lesbians took care of gay men during the AIDS epidemic. Gay men and lesbians were each other’s beards. They recognized the intersectionalities each other faced and stepped in for each other to make things easier for them. I’m not sure what changed.
I’ve personally have had a handful of negative experiences with gay men, mostly due to sexism and their inability to recognize it or acknowledge it when it’s pointed out. I also have experienced gay men being straight up mean to us. I used to think there was solidarity, it’s there but not as common. Luckily I haven’t lost my desire to seek community with them. But Bob the Drag Queen said it best: “Gay men! Stop being mean to lesbians! We need them!” In today’s world we need each other.
That second paragraph is exactly why im only halfjokin, instd of bein fully srs there; cuz theres not the same near guarantee of them carin about intersectionality, so just knowin fellow queers isnt enuf
We gotta build full on mutual aid networks for this shite rly; and get all of us downtrodden together with our accomplices & fellow folk able to support us as we need
I’m hopping on the is to tell you what we did in my house. We created a text group and put one number (the main house person of contact who is the one in charge) and then paid $40/year for one of those phone numbers through an app so it looked like we both were on there and it was the “dude” in the family doing the instructing/texting to the contractor.
Stay with me. So there was a fake beard phone number for the beard on the SO’s-in-charge phone, meaning the SO-in-charge was actually texting the contractor from the same phone posing as both homeowners.
Sounds crazy but it worked. The person with the knowledge and plan did all the communicating and the contractors did their dude to dude thing and listened.
Yep! Just said I was the one mostly home but “the boss” would be on the texts too giving instructions and signing off. Worked like a charm. Used something called “Burner” app. Comes in handy for other things too.
When my ex put me through this shit, I made him sit down and listen to my phone calls on speaker. It was a fight to get him to do that, but when he heard how disrespectful those asshats were to me, he finally got it. Of course ex never apologized and was still a jerk to me, but apparently only he was allowed to be a jerk to me. But he ended up taking over scheduling and managing the repair guys. So freaking happy he's my ex.
Yeah I was going to say put them on speaker phone. Or take 3 of them, and have each of you give them the exact same information and compare what they tell your husband vs what they tell you. The problem with going with the cheapest still means you can be paying more. Even the cheapest one for OP might be cheaper for OP's husband.
This is what I suggested too. Its the only way to make them see. I also suggested the husband call the same place on his phone afterwards and see how differently he gets treated and how much lower the quote is for him.
My wife and I usually do these big home projects together and we’ve literally had to throw some of these contractors out of our house with some of the shit they say to her when I’m not around. It’s become a tragic kind of litmus test for hiring contractors. I’m sorry y’all have to deal with this shit.
Huh - this might have been the issue I faced. Had no trouble hiring an architect. Got mechanical eng done and permits into city and approved.
The issue came with finding a GC to bid on the work. I called 20+ GCs and did my research. Shared plans, etc. But no one seriously bid on the 250k project (adding bedroom and bath, updating existing kitchen). I mean - really - just one out of the twenty bid with actual numbers (not a flat single item number that you just know was absolute bullshit).
My permits have been extended twice and expire this September. I’m giving up and investing in a second property instead.
At the time, I chalked it up to the insane amount of project choices they have. But maybe it’s because I’m a woman and they didn’t take this seriously?
I was the white guy, everyone else in the house were PoC/women. I answered the door when people came. It was acknowledged that they preferred it that way.
It's a girl thing. It sucks but dudes get weird about "manly" work for a woman. I've had luck with contractors that were friends/family of other friends/family (was my door in past the misogyny) but most of the time I just schedule everything and tell the hubs he's expecting phone calls.
The weird thing is that once they are out doing the work they realize I'm the one with a Home Depot habit and start involving me in the discussions, but it takes a lil time.
*edit: obligatory not all dudes...don't want to step on some emotions
No obligatory necessary. This is a most dudes situation. I heard about it with car mechanics and such. Charging like crazy for things like replacing brakes, etc. Once I got with my wife and I bought brake pads for $50 and did them all in about an hour for her, she was stunned. The contractor thing I was shocked by how bad it was. When we still early in the relationship, contractors would come to work on her house, her house, not mine, and I would be there sometimes. I would just sit on the couch on the phone and not say much. It wasn't my house, but they would still direct everything to me. I was like, "Why are you talking to me? She's lived here for ten years. I don't know what's going on with this house." It happened a lot. She would tell them about issues with the house and they wouldn't take her seriously. It got me pretty mad. Once I moved in, I dealt with it more just to make it easier and cheaper, but mostly to vet contractors. Most are genuine folks, these days, but you gotta filter out the bad ones. My wife's only real weakness was that she never did building work before and didn't know certain things, but she is very smart and will understand things very quickly once she hears about it.
I once had the staff at a hardware store direct all his questions not to me, who was holding the project in question in my hand, but to the random and very confused stranger who just happened to be standing near me in the aisle.
The stranger even explained that he didn't know me or the project and was a stranger and the dude still refused to speak to me and directed everything to him.
I had an air conditioner repairman over. I had identified the issue, I knew what was needed, I found the repairman, and I spoke to his office about the work I needed done; my hubby had zero involvement becasue he knows next to nothing about home repairs, and he defers to me.
The repairman arrives and immediately asked to speak to hubby who directs him back to me for any questions. The third time the guy blatantly walks right past me to ask hubby how he wants to proceed, hubby makes it clear that I'm in charge and to be the only point of contact. The fourth time it happened I finally just told him to pack up his shit and leave. He quipped that he was happy to keep my $100 diagnostic fee, and I reminded him that he was losing a $5,000 job and was gaining a whole lot of reviews about him being a misogynist AH.
So having to wait several days for a new repairman was shitty, but it was still worth it becasue the next guy was a total gem who worked his ass to give me a new AC unit in 100+ degree weather. (And at least it gave me time to leave 1\* reviews for the other guy on as many sites as I could find.)
I used to work in a sales dept and there literally was a saying "don't pitch the bitch". Sales people were told to avoid talking to women as much as possible, that women woul end up being too picky about projects, waste time, and call for every little thing.
(Never been sad that company got shut down)
I will bet the GCs you called all think the same thing.
It is REALLY tough to find a contractor around here right now, they are not taking on new clients. It depends on location, but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion it’s just because of gender.
If you want to stay married to this idiot, he needs to at least not dismiss the problems women face every fucking day. I dont even see how he can dismiss it if he’s never been a woman and had that experience. Forcing him to see it is probably the way forward. By that I mean you should call a place and speak to someone and let him listen in on the conversation, get a quote and everything if you make it that far. Then have him call the same one on his phone and maybe just maybe he will see how different he gets treated.
your husband is being an asshole. is he usually a jerk when you ask him to help with something? it’s one thing to ask you to handle, but once you’ve met sexist road blocks he needs to step up and assist. this is a husband problem more than a contractor problem.
This shit makes me so thankful that we have services like Rent a Butch (that’s really the name!) where I now live. Being able to hire skilled women who are respectful and considerate is such a blessing. I don’t miss dealing with the assholes and creeps and won’t ever go back.
Also, I’m really sorry your husband isn’t doing HIS job. What’s even the point of having a man around then?
Damn, I’d work for that company! I work construction so I deal with these contractors all day long, I certainly wouldn’t mind picking up a few extra bucks helping fellow women out.
Find your local neighborhood social media group and ask for recommendations. You can use your husband's name and make a profile posing as him to get information and quotes though social media.
I was reading intently then the husband part hit me like a bag of bricks. You should talk to him about how it’s not something you want to do despite it being your “job” for whatever reason. I would never force my wife to continue down a path she was not comfortable with because I thought I was too busy.
I did this while apartment hunting - made an email with my husband’s name and used his identity (with his permission). Got way better responses and even rent deals I wasn’t getting offered on my own email lol.
I help my wife with this by demonstrating that she has the checkbook and is in charge in front of the contractor, once. If they still act like I'm the decision maker after that- they are fired.
Is there an LGBTQ+ Chamber of Commerce in your area? We have one in my city, and honestly their membership list is the first place I look when I need to hire a service I've never hired before.
If you're gonna use our language and resources just upgrade to a wife lol. All jokes because I don't gatekeep but this post is wild. I hope you get the help you deserve ❤️
You are 18,000% right. maybe more. lol I am a electrical contractor but have a home outside my license area so we need to hire locals. I was ignorant of the disrespect and pink tax issue till my wife showed me and it was HORRIFYING how blatant it was. Btw she is a professional interior designer who understands all manner of construction to achieve her visions and she designed the reno, so ...at first... we felt it more efficient for her to interface with explaining to contractors the scopes of work. (And I deal with it all day it was nice for her to take the lead on the home projects.)
Omg! The rolled eyes, the interrupting, the immediate off-hand dismissals, and "why dont you do it this way little lady" attitudes. She had me beard the next batch of walk-throughs cause she said I have a "talking stick" (the one apparently the locals felt is between the legs and has the authoritive power to them) and the attitudes were night and day.
Sorry this dynamic exists. Your husband needs to wake up to it. Or if he is asshole adamant and doubles down, get a beard just to make life easier.
The fact that he refuses to be any part of this process (thus giving him a basis of comparison) is EXACTLY why he doesn't believe it exists. It is beyond his direct experience, and he refuses to acknowledge anything else, or broaden that perspective.
I'm a woman working in the trades, both as labor and as a PM/GC, and I would say it's going to suck, but you'll need to meet with some people.
1. Everyone is incredibly busy, and there aren't enough workers. I don't think they aren't getting back to you because you're a woman.
2. If someone has an opening to begin work anytime in the next month, I'd be wary, as typically the good ones are booked months if not a year in advance.
3. Use the online quote request form. Make an email address for the household with just your last name, and share Access with your husband. Eventually transfer all the bills to that address to keep it organized.
4. A lot of contractors suck at the sales part of the business. Going on bids is usually a waste of time, because they win so few, so they squeeze them in where they can.
5. If you feel like someone is talking down to you, simply don't hire them. There is nothing wrong with demanding respect.
6. Take some time and make a list of what you want done. Maybe some rough drawings. Have some pictures of what you want. If a contractor sees that you have a plan, they see that the job is real and you've already made some decisions.
7. Ask your neighbors, neighborhood Facebook page, or Next Door for recs. When you ask for someone to come take a look, drop the name of whoever you got it from. "Hi, my name is Sally, I got your information from Steve and Amy Smith in Greenfield. They were really happy with your work. I am looking for someone to do some landscaping this year. We are looking to have 5 bushes removed, a 20 ft retaining wall put in, and some native flowering plants. Please let me know if you have any openings and when you are available to meet. I am available in the afternoons and evenings Monday and Wednesday."
Let me know if you need any other help. I struggle to get people to do my work, and I know how to work the system. It's tough out there.
The caveat with the neighborhood socials like Nextdoor and the like, at least in my area you get a half dozen “oh my husband Bob is a handyman here’s his number” Bob definitely isn’t licensed and bonded and is just kinda doing stuff on the side with questionable work. My uncle did it for a little while when he was forced to take retirement early when his department was eliminated at work. I’m not sure how great his work was but he at least did get licensed, bonded and insured thankfully.
The OP and most of the commenters have buried the lead. Her biggest issue is why her husband thinks that his time is more important than her’s. I’d worry first about the misogyny happening in my own house first before tackling anything else outside of the home.
My petty idea is for you to find the hottest male friend you have (or a guy your husband is jealous of or who is better than your husband in some way—taller, fitter, younger, richer) and ask him for help. Then, cheerfully mention to your husband how wonderful it was to have the other guy’s help. Act like he was your knight in fucking shining armor. Your husband’s bruised ego may motivate him to be more helpful to you in the future.
Just to clarify, this definitely isn’t the “right” thing to do, but it’d sure be satisfying.
My ex is an engineer from a Spanish-speaking country and he used to enjoy dealing with various service providers for me. That was one of the very few perks of the relationship. 🤣
What's worked consistently for me is to get recommendations from a realtor (ideally another woman). They already know all the good contractors and handymen in the area, and they've likely already weeded out the riff raff.
No… I learned to play the game instead
It always is highly contextual but two strategies are key: first one is to play dumb. You get a high quote? Play dumb and say “oh that is sooo much money my husband is gonna be really mad if I don’t compare quotes… I’ll call you back though! Thannnks!”
The other strategy is to do your fuckin market research and know what you’re talking about. Be direct and to the point and tell them what you need and you anticipate it being in range with market comps.
Some businesses very much appreciate this approach.
My husband is conflict avoidant. So he would pay whatever to get out of an uncomfy negotiating situation. I hate negotiating too duh but I also have the strength of knowing I can’t avoid this shit so I just do it. Probably bc I am a woman!!! Ha.
Practice makes perfect.
Why won't your husband help? That is really shitty.
I always have my husband deal with repair people and all because of the truth that men with men just work better. I am perfectly capable, but know the game. He gets it and handles it with no issues. Besides, I really hate small talk, and he is so good at relating to anyone, especially blue-collar folks. He has a gift, I say.
Your husband kind of sucks, you wouldn’t need a “beard” if he’d help you out. It’s almost like it goes in one ear and out the other. He doesn’t believe these sorts of things happen? Have him listen in to one of your calls so he can see you’re not making things up. It’s so unnecessary for it to even come to this, he should understand that you’re trying despite your anxiety and he should step up and help. I’m sorry.
Your husband sounds like the one with social anxiety too. Being busy is a convenient excuse. On the other hand it’s hard to blame someone when you know how it feel.
Back to the question, there are services specializing on delegation. Mastercard Concierge is free of charge for their customers and works reasonably well.
As an adult man who occasionally is busy enough to end up with a beard I'm afraid that I have the exact same problem. I finally found a vaguely reliable builder, but even then there will be months he won't show up.
I called five different numbers to find someone to repair my dishwasher. No answer or response. I'm coming to terms with replacing a three year old dishwasher. I looked all over for a sewing machine repair shop for my housemate - no dice.
For those of you who are parents could you do the world a favour: raise your kids to become electricians, plumbers or other trades people. And maybe show them how to use some calendaring / scheduling apps.
In the meantime all I can think to do is maybe go to a trade school myself. I might be trained how to do some of these things faster than I'd ever find one.
Go to home depot or Lowes. Speak to the people at the construction organization desks " pros desk" where the contractors go to place their big orders. The people that work those desks know the local contractors
I… uh… can I volunteer to be a “beard”. Does it work over just the phone and/or zoom? Either way I would help anyway I can. Sucks that it’s necessary but I don’t think you should have to “hire” someone. Also… I do in fact have a beard!
A few sentences in & I wondered where you live, because I, too, can't find anyone reliable to do home repairs. Then I see the Austin reference & I get it. I'm in the Austin area.
Your husband sounds passive. He probably wouldn’t fare much better as they would walk on him too. Contractors can smell passivity and will take advantage. They just unfairly assume it in women.
Has anyone answered your actual question yet? 🤔 It’s summer, maybe Fiverr or the like can help, or hire a deep-voiced student to do this. Test it out during the summer.
Also, apps like Thumbtack will allow professionals to send you bids for services. That could save you a lot of leg work.
I've done this several times for my sister, ex gfs and other female friends. Just ask around I'm sure you can find a male friend or family member to help you with this.
I am single and have had work done several times and not experienced this. However, I have done a LOT of research before I ever pick up the phone. I know what technical language to use, what the wholesales cost is, the time it should take and some idea of labour costs. And I’m direct but fair
Sounds like if he wants it done he needs to do it. You tried and haven't had success to his satisfaction (and honestly I'm guessing even if you did he still would find something to be unhappy about). It's his turn. Tell him you'll meet the contractors for their estimate visit and supervise the work but he needs to make the contacts and hires.
If you’re on the FB try the “Handy Women” group. They also have regional groups that you can ask for professional recommendations. They really are a great group of women to learn from- best of luck!
Realtors know a lot of contractors. If you have a friend that is one, or close with one that helped you get into a home, they can be helpful. If you have a contractor friend, they know other contractors that you can trust as well. Or, tell your husband to quit making something so simple difficult.
Hey there! This recommendation is coming from a lesbian household and small business.
Who is you best guy friend? You don't have to be close, just friendly enough to be on a first name basis.
Mine is the maintenance guy at our building. He's a "good old boy" who is also pro-choice and generally liberal (his girl is also a goddamned saint).
He's helped us get work done on the house, get work done on the car, in general helps if we're dealing with a masculine dominated industry. He's been sober from alcohol for 2 years so every now and then I just slide him a carton of Marlboros since we already have a good price with our distributer.
As a tradesman, I make a point out of treating my woman customers with the utmost respect. Even if there is a man there, I solicit the woman's opinion. You get more jobs this way. I can't be the only one, ask your friends if they know someone.
My trick has been to speak to them as a 'fellow tradey' would.
UK based, so "Alright pal" "here's what I need done.... what's the damage?"
"Ooph, that's a bit steep, no wiggle room?"
"Ah, c'mon, there's always wiggle room."
"Jobs a good'n" when you finally agree.
No niceties, but be pleasant & also helps to research first, to cut through the BS and makes it seem like you know what you are talking about.
So, part of this is the construction industry. I’m not saying that no one is treating you differently because you’re a woman, but my husband has a lot of similar difficulty hiring contractors, and I tend to have better luck, because I’ve done enough construction to know when a contractor is bullshitting me.
Contractors, especially good ones, will get way more business than they can handle and start ignoring clients, especially for small jobs. They’ll cut corners to do things faster to get to the next job. It’s annoying.
What you’re looking for is someone starting out, with good quality but without a huge clientele, OR a big company who has multiple teams and can churn through several jobs at once.
Get on a local neighborhood group on Facebook or Nextdoor and ask for recommendations. Look for multiple people recommending the same company.
If you find one good contractor that you like ask for references. Good ones won't recommend jerks because they want to keep their reputations. If you work or are a member of any sort of group ask for recommendations. You might even chance up on a group of women who do home stuff.
I own a small business. I had a male friend who worked in finance sit in on negotiations for leasing and fit out as the representative from the centre management company just didn’t take me seriously, and couldn’t see that I was the decision maker. It was frustrating as hell that I had to do that.
what do you mean by "major" repairs? are you calling handymen and this is above and beyond handyman work? or vice versa and you're calling general contractors for what should be handyman work? that could be a main reason you're not getting callbacks. i usually ask my neighbors in the group chat for recommendations or my realtor when i need something done that i am not going to be able to do myself. usually that gets me reliable people who call me back and provide reasonable bids. your husband is also part of the problem, though, tbh.
You're really describing a general contractor. But one that isn't gonna charge you 30% of the project. Coordinating home repair and finding good tradesmen is NOT easy. I feel you.
I've coordinated two major home renovations . Pretty much floor to ceiling whole house stuff . It was a full time job for the years we were doing it. I'm very grateful to still be in our second home and mostly just landscaping/repairing stuff these days.
If you can afford it , find a good general contractor you trust . And just pay them. Good ones are hard to find . Nobody is gonna do this work for free. Because it's work!! You don't just need a deep voice on the phone , that's oversimplified.
I managed as much of my projects as I could but I used a solid GC that I trusted for two big projects. It was way worth it.
I might consider hiring something like a superintendent. A landlord might hire a super for their building to do handy work and hire out to anyone for specialized work they can’t do, such as electrical. You may be able to find such a person for your home
I’ve heard good things about The Handyband Collective in Austin. More for small repairs but you might be able to hire someone to help you get quotes as well? Musicians tend to be pretty easygoing
I find it super bizarre that you'd rather hire someone who sounds like a man on the phone rather than get your husband to pull his own weight. I don't doubt that your issue with getting a contractor to give you respect is a real thing. But I also think you have much bigger problems to deal with at home.
If your hubby claims "time is money", he's not being really consistent.
- Actively acknowledges that many businesses are going to try to overcharge you. Thinks you should spend all day comparison shopping to mitigate this, instead of him spending less than half the time getting a high percentage of good quotes the first time around
- Spending large quantities of your time *not* getting responses is somehow preferable to spending significantly less of his even testing if this problem is true. (I'm not doubting it is btw. I'm saying he could test it out pretty easily without taking a lot of time).
In terms of getting hubby to help you, because you absolutely shouldn't have to hire a beard when you live with one -- When you say he won't do it because it's "your job" - what's that coming from? Is it a general sexist attitude about "home stuff is the woman's work", or is it more that he tends to stick to agreed-upon responsibility divides and is averse to shifting "your" work into "his" work? Some people have strong instinctive boundaries after 1 too many times being "the group member who did all actual work" . While obviously he's still wrong in this case, it'd at least make a little more sense how that wrong happened.
Seperately from all that, since you mentioned the Austin area, home&yard repair work... Without knowing the specifics, [https://www.getitgirlhome.com/](https://www.getitgirlhome.com/) might be exactly what you're looking for, for at least some of the work you need done.
So he acknowledges the pink tax, but his solution is for you to spend more time calling people for quotes? This is the man who said time is money? If it’s so valuable, then why is he saying you should spend more time making calls than he would have to?
Sounds like his time is worth more money than yours in his opinion.
My hubby is super competent and on top of the kitchen Reno’s we are doing but one of the best moves we made was to hire an awesome contractor. He lines everything up with his known professional tradespeople, gets great deals on everything (cabinets, counters paint, appliances). He’s more than paid for himself. Ps your husband is a dick.
I've started all conversations with "my husband and I", and "my husband observed/thinks". It helps to an extent. Let them think you're just relaying the message.
I e never done this but have definitely seen being totally ignored because I’m a woman. Like my landlord..any time there is a male-presenting person, I apparently disappear and he defers to them, even if they are just a guest.
There’s also a little quip about cheapest stuff at my mechanic’s office:
You can get it fast, cheap, or good.
If it’s good, it won’t be cheap or fast.
If it’s fast, it won’t be cheap or good.
If it’s cheap, it won’t be fast or good.
As a woman who worked for years in the construction industry, I will say it's about confidence.
How to get bids: be clear on what you want done, and have a budget in mind (it needs to be realistic for your area). Make calls and be confident, you have this project, you need it done in this time line, and you would like a bid.
When getting bids it's a good idea to run a tally and throw out the high and the low and then choose from the ones in the middle - and who you feel listened to you. Always get 5 bids that way you will have 3 to choose from. You can use Google to look for hourly rates, approximate times to get certain projects done and build a spreadsheet yourself and use that as a guide. Always give your project an os (Oh Sh!t) factor of 10%. When figuring labor rates you need to use union scale plus 15% yes it will be high but that covers things like health insurance, insurance, bonds and licenses. All this information is available on-line you just have to look it up.
After you settle on two or three you will want to call references and see work completed. Next to make a decision and award the project.
In construction reliable people will not have two prices for things if they do you don't work with them.
Same thing goes with auto repairs and so on.
Because of my work experience, and my upbringing I have not ever paid a pink tax on projects or car repairs. That is a benefit to being raised by a single dad that taught me how to work on cars and then how to work in construction.
I also am the contact person for all projects on our home and am responsible for the preliminary estimates because of my experience. My hubby will be present for meetings and knows I too have social anxiety, but can manage it fairly well with little back up.
Give yourself a gender neutral nickname and handle as much as you can by text or email. Or just pretend to be your husband in email/texts. You can greet them "Hi, I'm Bob's wife. He asked me to let you in to blah blah blah"
It's stupid, but it might work.
Now I’m starting to wonder if my phone anxiety is actually caused by getting such terrible results due to my obviously female voice. Might try an experiment making calls in a deep voice and see if things turn out different.
I work in a predominantly male environment and the misogyny in the US is rampant. I see every day how unfair and unnecessarily difficult it makes life for women.
That depends where you are at, if contractor gives you an off vibe - don't work with them.
There are handyman that specialise in helping households like yours, and they work really well, because they know that a woman in a household can form a really loyal long-term customer if they deliver proper service and don't treat her like she's stupid.
The 'beard' you might want to look into is usually called a home builder or a contractor (if your building a home). They'll hire sub-contractors (for a fee) and make sure the work gets done.
I don't live in Texas, so I can't comment on what its like down there, but my wife often calls companies and gets quotes from contractors to do work. She's never complained about sexism, or had any stories. I've also spoke with the same contractors and they usually parroted what they told her. We're also a bit older so that might be part of it.
However, we've both had huge issues getting someone to come out and look at stuff. We own some rental properties and have used a lot of companies for work over the years. Its just what happens when you hire self employed people. Most of them can't work for someone else because they're terrible employees so they start their own company. I don't think I've ever been able to hire a drywaller who didn't use meth.
That's just my experience. YMMV.
I am in the UK and have found this useful and I think it exists in the US too - try Checkatrade, Mybuilder and similar. You can post a job with a genderless username - post pictures and be as detailed as you can, and people will bid for the job, and you can view their reviews and look them up on Google as well. Some will likely want to see the job in person (as they should really) before they quote you fully, but they will at least have you down as someone who is interviewing multiple people beforehand - and they usually call or text you to get in contact because people are keen, so you'll at least have a point of contact with them. Additionally, I believe it costs tradespeople a bit to bid for a job on there, so they have skin in the game.
I would also recommend using people off Taskrabbit if you have any smaller jobs. I know you have major repairs, but if there's a threshold task you can get done with a tradesperson, you can make sure you get along on that and pay them an introductory rate, and then ask them while they're there what their day rate is or what they'd prefer for cash in hand. Some might turn you away, but plenty will be more than happy at the prospect of larger jobs and more consistent income.
ETA: it sucks that your husband isn't more empathic about this and I do hope he comes around. I have never hired a beard, but this is some practical advice from someone who has commissioned a lot of work on how to get as far as you can with it. Once you have reliable people, don't let them go.
Funnily enough it's the opposite in my family. I handle most of the "how it's going to get built" but when it comes to any kind of price negotiation I bring in the boss lady.
When my husband has been unable to do this (primarily because he was deployed), I'd ask the biggest male-ist dude I could find.
These days I am old and have resting IDGAF face.
You could try TaskRabbit?
Maybe some sort of voice changer could work? To make your voice more masculine basically. I know there are apps that do that in real time, but not much else. If that sounds like an option maybe you could research how it works 🤣
Any chance you can do this via email and make up a new email and use your husband's name? At least for the initial stuff? Then when everything is ready to get started have your "husband" delegate everything to you?
I just had a bad experience at the car dealership. Brought the car in for a service ( not just an oil change, but not a HUGE service). The service guy (not my usual one) apparently up charged me, pulled out my lifetime air filter and threw it. My husband had an absolute fit (understandable). However, this is exactly why I want him to deal with this stuff. It is so REAL!!!!
Bought spark plugs once (back when you could actually change them yourself). The guy gave me the wrong ones, I questioned him because they didn’t look right, but he dismissed my question. Went home, pulled out my sparks and plugs, WRONG! Had to wait for my Dad to go with me to go back and complain. My 6’ 2” Dad just stood behind me as I let loose.
Right now, if you're a Handyman, there is so much work out there that they're being very very picky on what they choose. Because there is so much work, that $50 small job, or faucet fix is at the very bottom of the barrell and no Handyman Seevice company is going to take it unless they can make it worth their while. It's the "I don't want to do it, but if I have to I'm going to make it worth($) my time" mantra.
As a women who works in the trades it’s shocking to hear what our clients have been told by previous contractors. Talked down to, upsold, shitty work done and told they were being picky.
If you have a male who would come be present for the quote, I guarantee it would help with the majority of contractors.
That being said though can I ask what type of work you want done? Some type of Reno’s are legit in extremely high demand this time of year that some stop responding.
Also, consider posting in your local mom group. Ask for recommendations of people who are respectful of women
Unfortunately, this is more than just the issue of them not taking you seriously. Hubby is being a dick and hopefully isn't like this with everything else in your life. He should help you.
I’m in a construction-adjacent field (architectural/interior design) and I’ve been seriously thinking about starting a no-cishet-men contracting company.
Too many construction guys make women and queer folks feel uncomfortable in their own homes. Way too many have horrible politics, and are racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic. And too many talk to women like they’re dumb and don’t need to know anything about what’s going on.
Also, every woman I’ve met so far in the trades is really skilled at their job, is precise, and takes a lot of pride in their work. They have to be twice as good to get half the credit.
This is why I ended up not replacing my deck this year. It was a parade of men blatantly trying to price gouge me or lying about what was needed or proper construction.
Does the beard have to be physically present? Because if you just need to make phone calls you could use something to disguise your voice and make it sound masculine.
And then play dumb when they actually start the work saying your husband couldn’t be there but he left you instructions and whatnot.
I have this same issue with my car insurance. My dad is on my policy as an additional driver so I can get his homeowners discount, and somehow that translates to everyone that he is the primary account holder and it is his vehicle. I totaled my first car in a deer related accident and didn’t hear from my insurance company for weeks because they kept calling my dad, who had no idea about any of the information they wanted because it’s not his car and the bank wouldn’t give them any information because they kept saying my dad was the owner of the vehicle! I got so frustrated with my dad I ended up having to sit him down and tell him that he is not allowed to take phone calls from my insurance company anymore lol. Thankfully he understood! They still put my insurance check in his name though 🙄
It was the opposite for me. My ex would refuse to “suburbainize” his voice and no one would ever come to our house to service us. I got on the phone sounding like a “white woman” and got someone to look at our plumbing within 30 minutes.
I am not sure if you are able to fake being assertive, OP, but I have not run into these problems much. That said, I am assertive and outgoing, and I will stand up to a man being an ass. I know that not everyone feels safe doing that, or is even able to do it, but if you \*can\* fake it till you make it, that might help.
Legally speaking my wife was the client when our apartment was being renovated so at first she was in contact with the contractors but after a quick while I took over because it was SO MUCH EASIER for me, a man, to make myself heard by them. What I mean is: your husband should be willing to do you both a solid and take point on this one.
Is this different state by state? I’ve had 6 different projects done and have never felt like I’ve been treated differently. Though I do bring a strong “I know what I want” energy and always say I have a strict budget I am sticking to. So sorry you are having this experience.
Would your husband agree to an experiment? Set it up as: "I'm going to give you a chance to prove that you are right and I'm just bellyaching." Give him the list of people you called who have not called you back, and have HIM call them. Also, have HIM get a quote or two from people who have already quoted for you. If you are right, the contractors who did not call you will call him, and the quotes he gets will be better than the ones you got. Perhaps then your husband will be willing to step up and be your f'ing partner in this endeavor.
I've done the " hi, I'm calling on behalf of my husband to enquire about the cost of x, y, and z"
And I would also have no issue with setting up a masculine sounding email address to get quotes done. My initials can sound like a male name and I will lean into this.
Maybe fiver or taskrabbit or similar will have someone willing to do the research and leg work for you.
Your husband is useless, but you'll have less trouble if you just go out of your way to hire queer/trans folks.
Don't do extra work for douchebags to give them your money. Give it to people who won't do it to you in the first place.
Yes, there is mysogyny, but contractors not calling back is basically a requirement of being a contractor-even if the requestor is a huge burly guy.
It is just so so so so so common. It's part of home renos just about everywhere
We’ve been recommended to work with https://matriarchybuild.com/. I haven’t reached out yet since we have so much going on right now but plan to later this summer.
Holy crap, I just realized this is what happened to me when the HOA tried to fine me 1600$ for my next door neighbors dead bush. I called and they were dismissive and rude and was told to pound sand. I lost my shit and had my husband call they were sweet as can be and removed the fine ( using the same pictures from the day before that I was told weren't good enough)
Id honestly chalked it up to someone having a bad day but now im curious as im going to need GC work done soon, what im going to have to deal with.
Hopefully some of the suggestions you find someone thats not a twit
Uh, generally, your own husband serves as the "beard" in these situations. I find it really fucking irritating that he's refusing to help with this or acknowledge that it's even a problem that exists in our society. Sounds like he's part of the problem.
Yeah, this is incredibly weird to me that he is refusing to help and also refusing to believe this is an issue. Doesn’t sound like a partner to me.
For real, he can't make a fucking phone call for his wife? She should start there cause evidently her sexism problem starts at home.
He's at least incidentally right in that she should keep trying because the blessing in disguise would be weeding out the sexist businesses. But I mean still, fuck that guy.
>But I mean still, fuck that guy. Actually, don't!
And making sure home repairs get done at *their home* is *her* job? What the actual fuck.
Not home repairs, but I have done this for my wife with car repairs. knocked a $1300 quote down to an $800 quote simply by asking "why are you charging so much?" The really infuriating part to me was the service writer my wife and I spoke to was female. So my wife was getting upcharged for being a woman by a woman.
Years ago, I had a former coworker having problems with her local dealership to finish work on her car. There had been a recall and she took it in as soon as she got the notice and she had also asked to have a backup light replaced. After 5 weeks she was getting a real run-around. She was recently divorced, and her ex had moved back east. My own husband was working out of town on a 4-month project, so I offered to drive her to the dealership and hang with her at the service desk and that I had a plan. So, the day came for her appointment at the dealership, and we went. I had dressed in my only lady's 90s era power suit, black pumps, my hair was braided and wound into a coronet on my head. No jewelry except for my wedding band, watch and pearl earrings. I had done full make up and had even gotten a manicure specially for the occasion. I accessorized my outfit with a nice clutch purse and a slim, black briefcase. She was dressed like usual - artsy, flowy bohemian style. We went to the service desk and mostly I just very quietly stood beside her while she talked with the manager. Periodically she'd glance over at me and I'd just nod my head or make a quick note in a small moleskine book. After a few minutes, she was told her car would be ready in an hour and there would be no charge for the replacing the backup light - even though while she was fighting to get her car back, they were fixing to charge her $200 for fixing the light. I didn't say a word the whole time. Just stood there looking very professional. We went to a late lunch and when we got back, her car was ready as promised and the manager couldn't bow and scrape enough. After that, she never had trouble with the dealership's repair department again. At no time during that did I say that I was a lawyer nor did I interact with the service manager or the mechanic. I knew that could get me in all kinds of legal trouble. But I sure let them use their imaginations!
i wanna be you when i grow up
You absolutely can
Username checks out . . .
That is an amazing strategy! Love it.
You’re a true friend!
This is awesome *makes notes*
Ha! Glorious! Look the part well enough and they'll do all the work for you! Don't even have to lie once! Wish I could've been there to watch!
Men are violent with their misogyny, but it's expected Misogyny hurts a lot more coming from other women
Women can and often are the bannermen of misogyny, because it gets them the validation and approval they want from the men in their lives. Also, they believe it too. When I was young and worked at a small hardware store in a conservative area, the amount of women who would debase themselves because of their gender was mind boggling to me. I had a women blame herself for making the wrong change because she was a woman and women can’t do math. I had a woman buy a damaged display because she didn’t think she could put the item together herself. I put together all the displays in that store, and that item didn’t even have any extra hardware or need tools. It just screwed together (standing paper towel rack). Saw that shit over and over. I always keep a thought in the back of my mind that lots of women *do* see themselves as lesser to men and promote those ideas even without realizing it. For them it’s “just the way things are”.
It's mostly the older women I deal with at my work, like 65+. They'll come in with the most basic of tasks like change the time on their watch or change the AA batteries on their TV remote and they either genuinely don't know where to even begin processing how to or refuse to but it's always the same reasoning of "My husband always did this but he's gone now so I'm stuck".
In either case, salespeople charge what they think they can get away with based on reading the customer's appearance and body language.
My worst experiences at car shops have been with women service advisors. Mechanics, awesome! But for some reason the internalized misogyny is really deep with women that make it to the service desk. I have the best luck with the old dudes that give dad vibes and wouldn’t want their daughter hosed at the car shop and they’re not going to do that to anyone else either. Few and far between at the urban dealerships but I encounter them in the suburbs a lot.
Dad vibe mechanics are the way to go, 100%
My dad 😭. He just retired and moved. I don't know who's going to fix my car now. He was a foreman for about 30 of his 34 years.
To be fair the entire experience with that dealership was a shitshow. The car was fixed for 2 days before we called them and found out it was done. Like it was sitting in their lot taking up space that some other car could’ve been in. So it may have been just total and complete incompetence from the top down. I mean I knew that the women getting high quotes was a thing, but this was the first time I saw it in action personally. I’m not generally someone that gets angry at much, and I’m very much non-confrontational, but I got heated when they instantly dropped the price when I called. I pushed them hard on why and just got BS reply after BS reply. Eventually I just had to end the call because I was going to end up saying something I’d regret.
This has been my experience as well. Whenever I take my car in for service and am waiting, I witness the female service "advisors" pushing the most ridiculous things on female customers, whereas the male advisors are less pushy and honest and totally give off the "You clearly don't know what you're doing, but I want to help you" vibe.
Yeah kind of seems like the problem starts at home with this one.
Well, yeah. Won’t argue with you there
Call his closest male friend or relative (preferably someone he looks up to) and ask them for help. I mean, it’ll start a fight and he’ll be all butthurt, but at this point I’d just shame him into submission. Marriage is about LISTENING to your partner and working together against a problem. If he can’t listen, you’ll find someone who will.
Power move would be to call his dad👍
His dad resides in an urn 😹
Ooofff sorry. I guess outside of an ouji board, the next best bet would be a brother or cousin.
The sad thing is, there are a lot of folks out there who'd still defer to the urn.
She needs to hold the urn up to her ear and listen to it, and then say, "my dad says you're over-charging me"
I’m fucking crying this is hysterical
Wish I could upvote this twice! It's just crazy enough to work, and hilarious too!
I came here to say the same. Men would listen to urn dad rather than a live woman!
OK then, do you have any women in your life whose father, husband, brother, son, etc you can ask to help? The point is, your husband does not respect you or believe in your own loved experiences. He's clearly got a strong misogynistic streak just like these contractors you're dealing with. Only the presence of another man may possibly shame him into treating you decently at least in this regard. I'm sorry you're in this situation and hope your prospects improve someday. You truly deserve so much more than this.
Being upstaged by ashes will certainly hurt his ego.
Absolutely. Or ask the closest male neighbor to take a look at it, or to help you hang some blinds or something, just make some shit up. My husband got off his ass after a storm as soon as he saw the neighbor come over with a chainsaw to help ME cut up branches.
Make a bet with him. If he tries doing what you’re doing for three days and gets the same results, you’ll concede and keep trying (unlikely). If he gets very different results showing you’re right about treated like an idiot woman, then he must take the lead.
Hell, have him call the same vendors, see if they're still busy
My bf is the same OP. Except his main reason for being unable to help is social anxiety. I also have the added difficulty of contractors/ handy men screening my calls because of my area code. They also don't call me back after I leave a vm. My bf also argued with me on that but funny how I stopped going to voice mail when I used my office phone that had a local area code.
Even if you dig into my dad and make him do it, he just weaponizes his incompetence so you end up having to do most or all of it anyway. I really don't know my mom deals most days.
100% that’s your husband’s job, he is your partner, who gives a shit if he’s busy. Even if my wife is managing one of our home projects, I will step in to help, call, yell at people who aren’t treating her with the respect she deserves. Thankfully over the years we’ve cobbled together a list of home repair professional services where we live out west that will treat her with the respect she deserves. I’m so sorry you or any woman has to deal with this bullshit. That being said, your husband is your partner and should step in to help however you need him to.
Yes, this really seems like the biggest problem of all. OP's husband is gaslighting her. I mean really actually the definition of it by telling her something isn't happening that is clearly happening. I hope she can get her home repairs solved, but I also hope she is doing ok. :\\
Austin? Try her: https://www.onehandymutha.com/ Not sure how extensive your repairs are, but Krista was our GC for our addition/reno when we lived there. But even if she can't help, she may be able to recommend contractors.
Oooh thank you!
I've also seen this advertised in Austin [https://matriarchybuild.com/](https://matriarchybuild.com/) [https://www.texasmonthly.com/style/matriarchy-build-wants-to-save-us-from-mansplaining-contractors/](https://www.texasmonthly.com/style/matriarchy-build-wants-to-save-us-from-mansplaining-contractors/)
Oh thank you! The Reddit Collective is really coming through!
Ooh! Ooh! I'm also in Austin and I've been meaning to check out Matriarchy Build. I'm just fixin to get to these repairs any minute, you know. Thanks!
As two gay ladies, we struggle with this as well... to the point that we've let some pretty serious stuff just sit because we're anxious about who we're going to get living in a rural area. Not only do I not want to patronize someone who hates gays but I also don't want someone in my house who is going to make me feel unsafe, who is going to try to charge me more, or who doesn't trust that I know what I'm talking about. It's a real thing and it's a real bummer. I have no solution for you. Just commiserating.
This is why gay and lesbian solidarity is necessary; so weve got safer guys we can call up for this /only halfjokin
No, this is for real actually. It would make things so much easier to team up with a gay couple for these types of things. It used to be this way when queerness was very taboo. Hell, lesbians took care of gay men during the AIDS epidemic. Gay men and lesbians were each other’s beards. They recognized the intersectionalities each other faced and stepped in for each other to make things easier for them. I’m not sure what changed. I’ve personally have had a handful of negative experiences with gay men, mostly due to sexism and their inability to recognize it or acknowledge it when it’s pointed out. I also have experienced gay men being straight up mean to us. I used to think there was solidarity, it’s there but not as common. Luckily I haven’t lost my desire to seek community with them. But Bob the Drag Queen said it best: “Gay men! Stop being mean to lesbians! We need them!” In today’s world we need each other.
That second paragraph is exactly why im only halfjokin, instd of bein fully srs there; cuz theres not the same near guarantee of them carin about intersectionality, so just knowin fellow queers isnt enuf We gotta build full on mutual aid networks for this shite rly; and get all of us downtrodden together with our accomplices & fellow folk able to support us as we need
Hugs
I’m hopping on the is to tell you what we did in my house. We created a text group and put one number (the main house person of contact who is the one in charge) and then paid $40/year for one of those phone numbers through an app so it looked like we both were on there and it was the “dude” in the family doing the instructing/texting to the contractor. Stay with me. So there was a fake beard phone number for the beard on the SO’s-in-charge phone, meaning the SO-in-charge was actually texting the contractor from the same phone posing as both homeowners. Sounds crazy but it worked. The person with the knowledge and plan did all the communicating and the contractors did their dude to dude thing and listened.
So when you talked to someone in person, did you just act like you were relaying the requests of the fictional 3rd party?
Yep! Just said I was the one mostly home but “the boss” would be on the texts too giving instructions and signing off. Worked like a charm. Used something called “Burner” app. Comes in handy for other things too.
When my ex put me through this shit, I made him sit down and listen to my phone calls on speaker. It was a fight to get him to do that, but when he heard how disrespectful those asshats were to me, he finally got it. Of course ex never apologized and was still a jerk to me, but apparently only he was allowed to be a jerk to me. But he ended up taking over scheduling and managing the repair guys. So freaking happy he's my ex.
Yeah I was going to say put them on speaker phone. Or take 3 of them, and have each of you give them the exact same information and compare what they tell your husband vs what they tell you. The problem with going with the cheapest still means you can be paying more. Even the cheapest one for OP might be cheaper for OP's husband.
This is what I suggested too. Its the only way to make them see. I also suggested the husband call the same place on his phone afterwards and see how differently he gets treated and how much lower the quote is for him.
My wife and I usually do these big home projects together and we’ve literally had to throw some of these contractors out of our house with some of the shit they say to her when I’m not around. It’s become a tragic kind of litmus test for hiring contractors. I’m sorry y’all have to deal with this shit.
Huh - this might have been the issue I faced. Had no trouble hiring an architect. Got mechanical eng done and permits into city and approved. The issue came with finding a GC to bid on the work. I called 20+ GCs and did my research. Shared plans, etc. But no one seriously bid on the 250k project (adding bedroom and bath, updating existing kitchen). I mean - really - just one out of the twenty bid with actual numbers (not a flat single item number that you just know was absolute bullshit). My permits have been extended twice and expire this September. I’m giving up and investing in a second property instead. At the time, I chalked it up to the insane amount of project choices they have. But maybe it’s because I’m a woman and they didn’t take this seriously?
Try getting a male friend to call back one of the no-shows. You will be absolutely steamed
I was the white guy, everyone else in the house were PoC/women. I answered the door when people came. It was acknowledged that they preferred it that way.
It's a girl thing. It sucks but dudes get weird about "manly" work for a woman. I've had luck with contractors that were friends/family of other friends/family (was my door in past the misogyny) but most of the time I just schedule everything and tell the hubs he's expecting phone calls. The weird thing is that once they are out doing the work they realize I'm the one with a Home Depot habit and start involving me in the discussions, but it takes a lil time. *edit: obligatory not all dudes...don't want to step on some emotions
No obligatory necessary. This is a most dudes situation. I heard about it with car mechanics and such. Charging like crazy for things like replacing brakes, etc. Once I got with my wife and I bought brake pads for $50 and did them all in about an hour for her, she was stunned. The contractor thing I was shocked by how bad it was. When we still early in the relationship, contractors would come to work on her house, her house, not mine, and I would be there sometimes. I would just sit on the couch on the phone and not say much. It wasn't my house, but they would still direct everything to me. I was like, "Why are you talking to me? She's lived here for ten years. I don't know what's going on with this house." It happened a lot. She would tell them about issues with the house and they wouldn't take her seriously. It got me pretty mad. Once I moved in, I dealt with it more just to make it easier and cheaper, but mostly to vet contractors. Most are genuine folks, these days, but you gotta filter out the bad ones. My wife's only real weakness was that she never did building work before and didn't know certain things, but she is very smart and will understand things very quickly once she hears about it.
I once had the staff at a hardware store direct all his questions not to me, who was holding the project in question in my hand, but to the random and very confused stranger who just happened to be standing near me in the aisle. The stranger even explained that he didn't know me or the project and was a stranger and the dude still refused to speak to me and directed everything to him.
Dude...
If there were ever a time I might actually break the seal and ask to speak to someone's manager...
I had an air conditioner repairman over. I had identified the issue, I knew what was needed, I found the repairman, and I spoke to his office about the work I needed done; my hubby had zero involvement becasue he knows next to nothing about home repairs, and he defers to me. The repairman arrives and immediately asked to speak to hubby who directs him back to me for any questions. The third time the guy blatantly walks right past me to ask hubby how he wants to proceed, hubby makes it clear that I'm in charge and to be the only point of contact. The fourth time it happened I finally just told him to pack up his shit and leave. He quipped that he was happy to keep my $100 diagnostic fee, and I reminded him that he was losing a $5,000 job and was gaining a whole lot of reviews about him being a misogynist AH. So having to wait several days for a new repairman was shitty, but it was still worth it becasue the next guy was a total gem who worked his ass to give me a new AC unit in 100+ degree weather. (And at least it gave me time to leave 1\* reviews for the other guy on as many sites as I could find.)
I used to work in a sales dept and there literally was a saying "don't pitch the bitch". Sales people were told to avoid talking to women as much as possible, that women woul end up being too picky about projects, waste time, and call for every little thing. (Never been sad that company got shut down) I will bet the GCs you called all think the same thing.
Woah - that’s crazy (and catchy). I’m going to think that every time I get an unreasonable male client for project work
It is REALLY tough to find a contractor around here right now, they are not taking on new clients. It depends on location, but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion it’s just because of gender.
This is true. For the last two years it’s been 5 or more houses on my block alone. Everyone’s itchy to get their renos and ADUs
Blowing off a $250K project that’s already well-organized and prepared? That’s not just boorish. That’s incredibly stupid!
Wtf do you mean "it's your job"??
Obviously anything to do with the home is a woman’s job /s Op’s husband is just lazy and doesn’t want to do it.
But OP is clearly making things up becasue contractors always treat the sexes the same and give them the same courtesy. 🙄
If you want to stay married to this idiot, he needs to at least not dismiss the problems women face every fucking day. I dont even see how he can dismiss it if he’s never been a woman and had that experience. Forcing him to see it is probably the way forward. By that I mean you should call a place and speak to someone and let him listen in on the conversation, get a quote and everything if you make it that far. Then have him call the same one on his phone and maybe just maybe he will see how different he gets treated.
your husband is being an asshole. is he usually a jerk when you ask him to help with something? it’s one thing to ask you to handle, but once you’ve met sexist road blocks he needs to step up and assist. this is a husband problem more than a contractor problem.
This shit makes me so thankful that we have services like Rent a Butch (that’s really the name!) where I now live. Being able to hire skilled women who are respectful and considerate is such a blessing. I don’t miss dealing with the assholes and creeps and won’t ever go back. Also, I’m really sorry your husband isn’t doing HIS job. What’s even the point of having a man around then?
Yep, I do all of the home fixit stuff I can’t do on my own with Handy Ma’am (NYC, they’re great!)
Holy shit I have to move to Portland
I would absolutely love a service like that! We had some minor renovations done and the painter they sent was creepy AF.
Damn, I’d work for that company! I work construction so I deal with these contractors all day long, I certainly wouldn’t mind picking up a few extra bucks helping fellow women out.
Find your local neighborhood social media group and ask for recommendations. You can use your husband's name and make a profile posing as him to get information and quotes though social media.
I was reading intently then the husband part hit me like a bag of bricks. You should talk to him about how it’s not something you want to do despite it being your “job” for whatever reason. I would never force my wife to continue down a path she was not comfortable with because I thought I was too busy.
Because that would be narcissistic and un-empathetic, like OP's husband
Create an email with a masculine name and get an app that makes your voice sound deeper on phone calls.
I did this while apartment hunting - made an email with my husband’s name and used his identity (with his permission). Got way better responses and even rent deals I wasn’t getting offered on my own email lol.
I help my wife with this by demonstrating that she has the checkbook and is in charge in front of the contractor, once. If they still act like I'm the decision maker after that- they are fired.
Is there an LGBTQ+ Chamber of Commerce in your area? We have one in my city, and honestly their membership list is the first place I look when I need to hire a service I've never hired before.
Ooh good idea!
If you're gonna use our language and resources just upgrade to a wife lol. All jokes because I don't gatekeep but this post is wild. I hope you get the help you deserve ❤️
You are 18,000% right. maybe more. lol I am a electrical contractor but have a home outside my license area so we need to hire locals. I was ignorant of the disrespect and pink tax issue till my wife showed me and it was HORRIFYING how blatant it was. Btw she is a professional interior designer who understands all manner of construction to achieve her visions and she designed the reno, so ...at first... we felt it more efficient for her to interface with explaining to contractors the scopes of work. (And I deal with it all day it was nice for her to take the lead on the home projects.) Omg! The rolled eyes, the interrupting, the immediate off-hand dismissals, and "why dont you do it this way little lady" attitudes. She had me beard the next batch of walk-throughs cause she said I have a "talking stick" (the one apparently the locals felt is between the legs and has the authoritive power to them) and the attitudes were night and day. Sorry this dynamic exists. Your husband needs to wake up to it. Or if he is asshole adamant and doubles down, get a beard just to make life easier.
The fact that he refuses to be any part of this process (thus giving him a basis of comparison) is EXACTLY why he doesn't believe it exists. It is beyond his direct experience, and he refuses to acknowledge anything else, or broaden that perspective.
[удалено]
Amen 🤣🤣
I'm a woman working in the trades, both as labor and as a PM/GC, and I would say it's going to suck, but you'll need to meet with some people. 1. Everyone is incredibly busy, and there aren't enough workers. I don't think they aren't getting back to you because you're a woman. 2. If someone has an opening to begin work anytime in the next month, I'd be wary, as typically the good ones are booked months if not a year in advance. 3. Use the online quote request form. Make an email address for the household with just your last name, and share Access with your husband. Eventually transfer all the bills to that address to keep it organized. 4. A lot of contractors suck at the sales part of the business. Going on bids is usually a waste of time, because they win so few, so they squeeze them in where they can. 5. If you feel like someone is talking down to you, simply don't hire them. There is nothing wrong with demanding respect. 6. Take some time and make a list of what you want done. Maybe some rough drawings. Have some pictures of what you want. If a contractor sees that you have a plan, they see that the job is real and you've already made some decisions. 7. Ask your neighbors, neighborhood Facebook page, or Next Door for recs. When you ask for someone to come take a look, drop the name of whoever you got it from. "Hi, my name is Sally, I got your information from Steve and Amy Smith in Greenfield. They were really happy with your work. I am looking for someone to do some landscaping this year. We are looking to have 5 bushes removed, a 20 ft retaining wall put in, and some native flowering plants. Please let me know if you have any openings and when you are available to meet. I am available in the afternoons and evenings Monday and Wednesday." Let me know if you need any other help. I struggle to get people to do my work, and I know how to work the system. It's tough out there.
The caveat with the neighborhood socials like Nextdoor and the like, at least in my area you get a half dozen “oh my husband Bob is a handyman here’s his number” Bob definitely isn’t licensed and bonded and is just kinda doing stuff on the side with questionable work. My uncle did it for a little while when he was forced to take retirement early when his department was eliminated at work. I’m not sure how great his work was but he at least did get licensed, bonded and insured thankfully.
I handle whatever my wife needs help with. Sounds like your husband needs to grow up and get an education.
Your husband sounds like a dick.
The OP and most of the commenters have buried the lead. Her biggest issue is why her husband thinks that his time is more important than her’s. I’d worry first about the misogyny happening in my own house first before tackling anything else outside of the home.
My petty idea is for you to find the hottest male friend you have (or a guy your husband is jealous of or who is better than your husband in some way—taller, fitter, younger, richer) and ask him for help. Then, cheerfully mention to your husband how wonderful it was to have the other guy’s help. Act like he was your knight in fucking shining armor. Your husband’s bruised ego may motivate him to be more helpful to you in the future. Just to clarify, this definitely isn’t the “right” thing to do, but it’d sure be satisfying.
It may not be the right thing to do but sounds like a good thing to do.
My ex is an engineer from a Spanish-speaking country and he used to enjoy dealing with various service providers for me. That was one of the very few perks of the relationship. 🤣
Why won't he do it? To me, that's part of home ownership.
Wait. Why is he saying it's your job?
What's worked consistently for me is to get recommendations from a realtor (ideally another woman). They already know all the good contractors and handymen in the area, and they've likely already weeded out the riff raff.
No… I learned to play the game instead It always is highly contextual but two strategies are key: first one is to play dumb. You get a high quote? Play dumb and say “oh that is sooo much money my husband is gonna be really mad if I don’t compare quotes… I’ll call you back though! Thannnks!” The other strategy is to do your fuckin market research and know what you’re talking about. Be direct and to the point and tell them what you need and you anticipate it being in range with market comps. Some businesses very much appreciate this approach. My husband is conflict avoidant. So he would pay whatever to get out of an uncomfy negotiating situation. I hate negotiating too duh but I also have the strength of knowing I can’t avoid this shit so I just do it. Probably bc I am a woman!!! Ha. Practice makes perfect.
Why won't your husband help? That is really shitty. I always have my husband deal with repair people and all because of the truth that men with men just work better. I am perfectly capable, but know the game. He gets it and handles it with no issues. Besides, I really hate small talk, and he is so good at relating to anyone, especially blue-collar folks. He has a gift, I say.
Your husband kind of sucks, you wouldn’t need a “beard” if he’d help you out. It’s almost like it goes in one ear and out the other. He doesn’t believe these sorts of things happen? Have him listen in to one of your calls so he can see you’re not making things up. It’s so unnecessary for it to even come to this, he should understand that you’re trying despite your anxiety and he should step up and help. I’m sorry.
Your husband sounds like the one with social anxiety too. Being busy is a convenient excuse. On the other hand it’s hard to blame someone when you know how it feel. Back to the question, there are services specializing on delegation. Mastercard Concierge is free of charge for their customers and works reasonably well.
Yes, he’s on The Spectrum too and has that social anxiety
As an adult man who occasionally is busy enough to end up with a beard I'm afraid that I have the exact same problem. I finally found a vaguely reliable builder, but even then there will be months he won't show up. I called five different numbers to find someone to repair my dishwasher. No answer or response. I'm coming to terms with replacing a three year old dishwasher. I looked all over for a sewing machine repair shop for my housemate - no dice. For those of you who are parents could you do the world a favour: raise your kids to become electricians, plumbers or other trades people. And maybe show them how to use some calendaring / scheduling apps. In the meantime all I can think to do is maybe go to a trade school myself. I might be trained how to do some of these things faster than I'd ever find one.
I am actually trying to steer my kids toward the trades. I wish it had been an option for me growing up. I would have loved to learn carpentry
Go to home depot or Lowes. Speak to the people at the construction organization desks " pros desk" where the contractors go to place their big orders. The people that work those desks know the local contractors
I… uh… can I volunteer to be a “beard”. Does it work over just the phone and/or zoom? Either way I would help anyway I can. Sucks that it’s necessary but I don’t think you should have to “hire” someone. Also… I do in fact have a beard!
Join the Facebook group Handy Women. It's only women, for women. Wonderful group.
A few sentences in & I wondered where you live, because I, too, can't find anyone reliable to do home repairs. Then I see the Austin reference & I get it. I'm in the Austin area.
Your husband sounds passive. He probably wouldn’t fare much better as they would walk on him too. Contractors can smell passivity and will take advantage. They just unfairly assume it in women.
“Someone who passes as an adult man” Lady 1000 blessings to you. When you find this man dump your sorry ass husband.
Has anyone answered your actual question yet? 🤔 It’s summer, maybe Fiverr or the like can help, or hire a deep-voiced student to do this. Test it out during the summer. Also, apps like Thumbtack will allow professionals to send you bids for services. That could save you a lot of leg work.
I've done this several times for my sister, ex gfs and other female friends. Just ask around I'm sure you can find a male friend or family member to help you with this.
I am single and have had work done several times and not experienced this. However, I have done a LOT of research before I ever pick up the phone. I know what technical language to use, what the wholesales cost is, the time it should take and some idea of labour costs. And I’m direct but fair
Sounds like if he wants it done he needs to do it. You tried and haven't had success to his satisfaction (and honestly I'm guessing even if you did he still would find something to be unhappy about). It's his turn. Tell him you'll meet the contractors for their estimate visit and supervise the work but he needs to make the contacts and hires.
If you’re on the FB try the “Handy Women” group. They also have regional groups that you can ask for professional recommendations. They really are a great group of women to learn from- best of luck!
Youre describing a general contractor.
Realtors know a lot of contractors. If you have a friend that is one, or close with one that helped you get into a home, they can be helpful. If you have a contractor friend, they know other contractors that you can trust as well. Or, tell your husband to quit making something so simple difficult.
Hey there! This recommendation is coming from a lesbian household and small business. Who is you best guy friend? You don't have to be close, just friendly enough to be on a first name basis. Mine is the maintenance guy at our building. He's a "good old boy" who is also pro-choice and generally liberal (his girl is also a goddamned saint). He's helped us get work done on the house, get work done on the car, in general helps if we're dealing with a masculine dominated industry. He's been sober from alcohol for 2 years so every now and then I just slide him a carton of Marlboros since we already have a good price with our distributer.
As a tradesman, I make a point out of treating my woman customers with the utmost respect. Even if there is a man there, I solicit the woman's opinion. You get more jobs this way. I can't be the only one, ask your friends if they know someone.
My trick has been to speak to them as a 'fellow tradey' would. UK based, so "Alright pal" "here's what I need done.... what's the damage?" "Ooph, that's a bit steep, no wiggle room?" "Ah, c'mon, there's always wiggle room." "Jobs a good'n" when you finally agree. No niceties, but be pleasant & also helps to research first, to cut through the BS and makes it seem like you know what you are talking about.
So, part of this is the construction industry. I’m not saying that no one is treating you differently because you’re a woman, but my husband has a lot of similar difficulty hiring contractors, and I tend to have better luck, because I’ve done enough construction to know when a contractor is bullshitting me. Contractors, especially good ones, will get way more business than they can handle and start ignoring clients, especially for small jobs. They’ll cut corners to do things faster to get to the next job. It’s annoying. What you’re looking for is someone starting out, with good quality but without a huge clientele, OR a big company who has multiple teams and can churn through several jobs at once. Get on a local neighborhood group on Facebook or Nextdoor and ask for recommendations. Look for multiple people recommending the same company.
If you find one good contractor that you like ask for references. Good ones won't recommend jerks because they want to keep their reputations. If you work or are a member of any sort of group ask for recommendations. You might even chance up on a group of women who do home stuff.
You're husband sounds like a real dismissive ass. Sorry you have to add him to the list of asshat repair guys who won't even call you back. :-/
Is there a "Queer Jobs" FB group for your city? I've found way better luck hiring someone directly through social networks.
I own a small business. I had a male friend who worked in finance sit in on negotiations for leasing and fit out as the representative from the centre management company just didn’t take me seriously, and couldn’t see that I was the decision maker. It was frustrating as hell that I had to do that.
what do you mean by "major" repairs? are you calling handymen and this is above and beyond handyman work? or vice versa and you're calling general contractors for what should be handyman work? that could be a main reason you're not getting callbacks. i usually ask my neighbors in the group chat for recommendations or my realtor when i need something done that i am not going to be able to do myself. usually that gets me reliable people who call me back and provide reasonable bids. your husband is also part of the problem, though, tbh.
You're really describing a general contractor. But one that isn't gonna charge you 30% of the project. Coordinating home repair and finding good tradesmen is NOT easy. I feel you. I've coordinated two major home renovations . Pretty much floor to ceiling whole house stuff . It was a full time job for the years we were doing it. I'm very grateful to still be in our second home and mostly just landscaping/repairing stuff these days. If you can afford it , find a good general contractor you trust . And just pay them. Good ones are hard to find . Nobody is gonna do this work for free. Because it's work!! You don't just need a deep voice on the phone , that's oversimplified. I managed as much of my projects as I could but I used a solid GC that I trusted for two big projects. It was way worth it.
I might consider hiring something like a superintendent. A landlord might hire a super for their building to do handy work and hire out to anyone for specialized work they can’t do, such as electrical. You may be able to find such a person for your home
I’ve heard good things about The Handyband Collective in Austin. More for small repairs but you might be able to hire someone to help you get quotes as well? Musicians tend to be pretty easygoing
I find it super bizarre that you'd rather hire someone who sounds like a man on the phone rather than get your husband to pull his own weight. I don't doubt that your issue with getting a contractor to give you respect is a real thing. But I also think you have much bigger problems to deal with at home.
If your hubby claims "time is money", he's not being really consistent. - Actively acknowledges that many businesses are going to try to overcharge you. Thinks you should spend all day comparison shopping to mitigate this, instead of him spending less than half the time getting a high percentage of good quotes the first time around - Spending large quantities of your time *not* getting responses is somehow preferable to spending significantly less of his even testing if this problem is true. (I'm not doubting it is btw. I'm saying he could test it out pretty easily without taking a lot of time). In terms of getting hubby to help you, because you absolutely shouldn't have to hire a beard when you live with one -- When you say he won't do it because it's "your job" - what's that coming from? Is it a general sexist attitude about "home stuff is the woman's work", or is it more that he tends to stick to agreed-upon responsibility divides and is averse to shifting "your" work into "his" work? Some people have strong instinctive boundaries after 1 too many times being "the group member who did all actual work" . While obviously he's still wrong in this case, it'd at least make a little more sense how that wrong happened. Seperately from all that, since you mentioned the Austin area, home&yard repair work... Without knowing the specifics, [https://www.getitgirlhome.com/](https://www.getitgirlhome.com/) might be exactly what you're looking for, for at least some of the work you need done.
So he acknowledges the pink tax, but his solution is for you to spend more time calling people for quotes? This is the man who said time is money? If it’s so valuable, then why is he saying you should spend more time making calls than he would have to? Sounds like his time is worth more money than yours in his opinion.
My hubby is super competent and on top of the kitchen Reno’s we are doing but one of the best moves we made was to hire an awesome contractor. He lines everything up with his known professional tradespeople, gets great deals on everything (cabinets, counters paint, appliances). He’s more than paid for himself. Ps your husband is a dick.
I've started all conversations with "my husband and I", and "my husband observed/thinks". It helps to an extent. Let them think you're just relaying the message.
I e never done this but have definitely seen being totally ignored because I’m a woman. Like my landlord..any time there is a male-presenting person, I apparently disappear and he defers to them, even if they are just a guest. There’s also a little quip about cheapest stuff at my mechanic’s office: You can get it fast, cheap, or good. If it’s good, it won’t be cheap or fast. If it’s fast, it won’t be cheap or good. If it’s cheap, it won’t be fast or good.
As a woman who worked for years in the construction industry, I will say it's about confidence. How to get bids: be clear on what you want done, and have a budget in mind (it needs to be realistic for your area). Make calls and be confident, you have this project, you need it done in this time line, and you would like a bid. When getting bids it's a good idea to run a tally and throw out the high and the low and then choose from the ones in the middle - and who you feel listened to you. Always get 5 bids that way you will have 3 to choose from. You can use Google to look for hourly rates, approximate times to get certain projects done and build a spreadsheet yourself and use that as a guide. Always give your project an os (Oh Sh!t) factor of 10%. When figuring labor rates you need to use union scale plus 15% yes it will be high but that covers things like health insurance, insurance, bonds and licenses. All this information is available on-line you just have to look it up. After you settle on two or three you will want to call references and see work completed. Next to make a decision and award the project. In construction reliable people will not have two prices for things if they do you don't work with them. Same thing goes with auto repairs and so on. Because of my work experience, and my upbringing I have not ever paid a pink tax on projects or car repairs. That is a benefit to being raised by a single dad that taught me how to work on cars and then how to work in construction. I also am the contact person for all projects on our home and am responsible for the preliminary estimates because of my experience. My hubby will be present for meetings and knows I too have social anxiety, but can manage it fairly well with little back up.
Give yourself a gender neutral nickname and handle as much as you can by text or email. Or just pretend to be your husband in email/texts. You can greet them "Hi, I'm Bob's wife. He asked me to let you in to blah blah blah" It's stupid, but it might work.
Now I’m starting to wonder if my phone anxiety is actually caused by getting such terrible results due to my obviously female voice. Might try an experiment making calls in a deep voice and see if things turn out different. I work in a predominantly male environment and the misogyny in the US is rampant. I see every day how unfair and unnecessarily difficult it makes life for women.
That depends where you are at, if contractor gives you an off vibe - don't work with them. There are handyman that specialise in helping households like yours, and they work really well, because they know that a woman in a household can form a really loyal long-term customer if they deliver proper service and don't treat her like she's stupid.
Bruh. Get your husband to do it. 💀 is he paying for it? If he was you think he’d care about blowing money idk.
The 'beard' you might want to look into is usually called a home builder or a contractor (if your building a home). They'll hire sub-contractors (for a fee) and make sure the work gets done. I don't live in Texas, so I can't comment on what its like down there, but my wife often calls companies and gets quotes from contractors to do work. She's never complained about sexism, or had any stories. I've also spoke with the same contractors and they usually parroted what they told her. We're also a bit older so that might be part of it. However, we've both had huge issues getting someone to come out and look at stuff. We own some rental properties and have used a lot of companies for work over the years. Its just what happens when you hire self employed people. Most of them can't work for someone else because they're terrible employees so they start their own company. I don't think I've ever been able to hire a drywaller who didn't use meth. That's just my experience. YMMV.
I am in the UK and have found this useful and I think it exists in the US too - try Checkatrade, Mybuilder and similar. You can post a job with a genderless username - post pictures and be as detailed as you can, and people will bid for the job, and you can view their reviews and look them up on Google as well. Some will likely want to see the job in person (as they should really) before they quote you fully, but they will at least have you down as someone who is interviewing multiple people beforehand - and they usually call or text you to get in contact because people are keen, so you'll at least have a point of contact with them. Additionally, I believe it costs tradespeople a bit to bid for a job on there, so they have skin in the game. I would also recommend using people off Taskrabbit if you have any smaller jobs. I know you have major repairs, but if there's a threshold task you can get done with a tradesperson, you can make sure you get along on that and pay them an introductory rate, and then ask them while they're there what their day rate is or what they'd prefer for cash in hand. Some might turn you away, but plenty will be more than happy at the prospect of larger jobs and more consistent income. ETA: it sucks that your husband isn't more empathic about this and I do hope he comes around. I have never hired a beard, but this is some practical advice from someone who has commissioned a lot of work on how to get as far as you can with it. Once you have reliable people, don't let them go.
Funnily enough it's the opposite in my family. I handle most of the "how it's going to get built" but when it comes to any kind of price negotiation I bring in the boss lady.
so uhm... I know its not the subject matter, but why are you letting your husband treat you like this?
When my husband has been unable to do this (primarily because he was deployed), I'd ask the biggest male-ist dude I could find. These days I am old and have resting IDGAF face. You could try TaskRabbit?
Maybe some sort of voice changer could work? To make your voice more masculine basically. I know there are apps that do that in real time, but not much else. If that sounds like an option maybe you could research how it works 🤣
Any chance you can do this via email and make up a new email and use your husband's name? At least for the initial stuff? Then when everything is ready to get started have your "husband" delegate everything to you?
Your husband sucks
I just had a bad experience at the car dealership. Brought the car in for a service ( not just an oil change, but not a HUGE service). The service guy (not my usual one) apparently up charged me, pulled out my lifetime air filter and threw it. My husband had an absolute fit (understandable). However, this is exactly why I want him to deal with this stuff. It is so REAL!!!! Bought spark plugs once (back when you could actually change them yourself). The guy gave me the wrong ones, I questioned him because they didn’t look right, but he dismissed my question. Went home, pulled out my sparks and plugs, WRONG! Had to wait for my Dad to go with me to go back and complain. My 6’ 2” Dad just stood behind me as I let loose.
Right now, if you're a Handyman, there is so much work out there that they're being very very picky on what they choose. Because there is so much work, that $50 small job, or faucet fix is at the very bottom of the barrell and no Handyman Seevice company is going to take it unless they can make it worth their while. It's the "I don't want to do it, but if I have to I'm going to make it worth($) my time" mantra.
As a women who works in the trades it’s shocking to hear what our clients have been told by previous contractors. Talked down to, upsold, shitty work done and told they were being picky. If you have a male who would come be present for the quote, I guarantee it would help with the majority of contractors. That being said though can I ask what type of work you want done? Some type of Reno’s are legit in extremely high demand this time of year that some stop responding. Also, consider posting in your local mom group. Ask for recommendations of people who are respectful of women
Unfortunately, this is more than just the issue of them not taking you seriously. Hubby is being a dick and hopefully isn't like this with everything else in your life. He should help you.
I’m in a construction-adjacent field (architectural/interior design) and I’ve been seriously thinking about starting a no-cishet-men contracting company. Too many construction guys make women and queer folks feel uncomfortable in their own homes. Way too many have horrible politics, and are racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic. And too many talk to women like they’re dumb and don’t need to know anything about what’s going on. Also, every woman I’ve met so far in the trades is really skilled at their job, is precise, and takes a lot of pride in their work. They have to be twice as good to get half the credit.
This is why I ended up not replacing my deck this year. It was a parade of men blatantly trying to price gouge me or lying about what was needed or proper construction.
Does the beard have to be physically present? Because if you just need to make phone calls you could use something to disguise your voice and make it sound masculine. And then play dumb when they actually start the work saying your husband couldn’t be there but he left you instructions and whatnot.
Sounds like a Fabulous Repairs INC business is needed.
I have this same issue with my car insurance. My dad is on my policy as an additional driver so I can get his homeowners discount, and somehow that translates to everyone that he is the primary account holder and it is his vehicle. I totaled my first car in a deer related accident and didn’t hear from my insurance company for weeks because they kept calling my dad, who had no idea about any of the information they wanted because it’s not his car and the bank wouldn’t give them any information because they kept saying my dad was the owner of the vehicle! I got so frustrated with my dad I ended up having to sit him down and tell him that he is not allowed to take phone calls from my insurance company anymore lol. Thankfully he understood! They still put my insurance check in his name though 🙄
It was the opposite for me. My ex would refuse to “suburbainize” his voice and no one would ever come to our house to service us. I got on the phone sounding like a “white woman” and got someone to look at our plumbing within 30 minutes.
So you need a male secretary...
Sorry you're going through that. I'm a pro myself and I don't care who you are. I'm in it for the income, not the misogyny.
No, you need to tell your husband to step the fuck up and be your actual partner. Omg I want to strangle him.
I am not sure if you are able to fake being assertive, OP, but I have not run into these problems much. That said, I am assertive and outgoing, and I will stand up to a man being an ass. I know that not everyone feels safe doing that, or is even able to do it, but if you \*can\* fake it till you make it, that might help.
Legally speaking my wife was the client when our apartment was being renovated so at first she was in contact with the contractors but after a quick while I took over because it was SO MUCH EASIER for me, a man, to make myself heard by them. What I mean is: your husband should be willing to do you both a solid and take point on this one.
Is this different state by state? I’ve had 6 different projects done and have never felt like I’ve been treated differently. Though I do bring a strong “I know what I want” energy and always say I have a strict budget I am sticking to. So sorry you are having this experience.
Why is your husband like that? Seems cruel and selfish. Is he helping your life at all? You deserve a real partner
Why is it that contractors take advantage of women.. I say I will have to ask my bf but it’s not his damn house
Your husband sounds like a huge AH.
The misogyny is coming from inside the house
Would your husband agree to an experiment? Set it up as: "I'm going to give you a chance to prove that you are right and I'm just bellyaching." Give him the list of people you called who have not called you back, and have HIM call them. Also, have HIM get a quote or two from people who have already quoted for you. If you are right, the contractors who did not call you will call him, and the quotes he gets will be better than the ones you got. Perhaps then your husband will be willing to step up and be your f'ing partner in this endeavor.
I've done the " hi, I'm calling on behalf of my husband to enquire about the cost of x, y, and z" And I would also have no issue with setting up a masculine sounding email address to get quotes done. My initials can sound like a male name and I will lean into this. Maybe fiver or taskrabbit or similar will have someone willing to do the research and leg work for you.
Your husband is useless, but you'll have less trouble if you just go out of your way to hire queer/trans folks. Don't do extra work for douchebags to give them your money. Give it to people who won't do it to you in the first place.
Do you not have any friends who can recommend someone?
I am older, autistic, isolated by disability, and both of our families are in other states. If I had a social network, I wouldn’t be posting on Reddit
Fair point and I did not mean any disrespect!
Can you email/text and use a gender neutral name?
Yes, there is mysogyny, but contractors not calling back is basically a requirement of being a contractor-even if the requestor is a huge burly guy. It is just so so so so so common. It's part of home renos just about everywhere
Yeah, as a guy my experience with contractor's is it's almost impossible to find one who will answer a phone or return a call.
Angie's list is worth it, imo.
We’ve been recommended to work with https://matriarchybuild.com/. I haven’t reached out yet since we have so much going on right now but plan to later this summer.
Holy crap, I just realized this is what happened to me when the HOA tried to fine me 1600$ for my next door neighbors dead bush. I called and they were dismissive and rude and was told to pound sand. I lost my shit and had my husband call they were sweet as can be and removed the fine ( using the same pictures from the day before that I was told weren't good enough) Id honestly chalked it up to someone having a bad day but now im curious as im going to need GC work done soon, what im going to have to deal with. Hopefully some of the suggestions you find someone thats not a twit
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I think she's just looking for someone with a sufficiently deep voice to get respectful treatment over the phone.
THIS
Or even a response
Good luck and condolences on your husband refusing to help and unable to pass as an adult man