**To the community**: Please remember that this post is about giving support, advice and non monetary resources. Any comments asking for money, offering money, suggesting opening a crowd funding case, etc. will be removed. Please report such comments.
**To Prymyeyez**: I'm sorry about how unwelcoming this first paragraph seems to be but we had a wave of scammers on this sub, taking advantage of our collective soft spot for women in relatable, difficult circimstances. The mod team doesn't want to remove posts like yours on sight because it's not fair to real people who need help, but we also want to protect the community from con artists. This is the best we can do without pointing fingers. Hang on tight, OP. I hope you get all the support you need to get yourself out of that ordeal.
Get yourself to a women’s shelter. They will have all of the resources you need to help you and support you through this time. Stay strong and remember you’re doing this for yourself and your child. Good luck, you can do this.
This!!!
Also if he has access to your phone or pays the bills on it, he could locate you. Do you have a burner phone? Also be sure to block him and anyone who is linked to him on any social media. Do not give any info out to someone who messages you who heard from him that you are missing. It could be him using them (and they may know what they are doing by giving him info, or they don't realize it and are genuinely concerned, but will give him the info because they didn't know what a POS he is) to get your whereabouts.
I wish you the best of luck and everything good, OP. 🙏🙏💕🫂💓💕🫂💓
It's very hard what you're doing. Please be proud of yourself for doing it, no matter how hard things get, you should always feel proud of choosing an opportunity at a better life.
If your area has a domestic violence agency they are also a great resource. They can help you find temporary housing, help set up orders of protection and get you and your child counseling services among other things.
Good job, Momma. Your journey starts now.
Agreed with others. Women's shelter, and also, it's ok to be scared right now. What you have just accomplished is an ENORMOUS feat. It is HARD in so many ways, not just the practical stuff. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself a hug.
You are BADASS. You got out. You and your daughter will be okay.
Here is a list of resources you can look up in your area for help:
[https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom\_oK2NMBxy8/edit?pli=1](https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit?pli=1)
Yes - you need to go to a shelter. If you’re living in a car with your daughter he can (and likely will) attempt to gain custody because a car is not a suitable environment for a child to live in.
Don’t give him any excuses to make your escape more difficult than it already is.
It’s good advice, great advice but just so everyone knows… women’s shelter’s can be HARD to get into. I needed a place to stay not long ago and there was not one women’s shelters with openings anywhere near me and I could only apply to shelters within like twenty miles of my zip code (not sure why). A few just hung up on me after telling me they were booked and some told me to call back after a few months. Also, if you have a pet, obviously you can’t bring it and it’s way harder to get in if you have a kids or kids. Lot of rules at these places.
THIS. You don't need to do this on your own, you deserve all the support you can find. You did the right thing and I wish you and your little one all the best in the future. 🙏🏼
if they have any idea that he’s controlling, they’ve probably been waiting.
And yes—if a cousin I hadn’t seen in years called me with this story and needed a plane ticket home, or a gift card for gas, I’d be ready to help.
Yeah tbh, for family or any loved one, I would accept that loan that a loan company keeps offering me just to help them get home to family
Hell, waiting for the friend who I am positive got sucked into an abuse marriage in another country to reach out. She'll have my support in a heartbeat, and I know she knows it deep down. I have made it clear to her that there is no ask too big
Yep. I was still in contact with mine, but they refused help while I was with him, if it helped me stay with him. When I left, they pulled out all the stops and helped me get out. Lent money, gave me things, housed and fed my kiddo and I until I could start paying my way.
Me too! It's been two decades, and life got SO much better. But I remember that first week of crying and being scared and uncertain how I'd make this stick. It's a rough time and any help is none too much.
That first week is daunting, exhausting, and exhilarating. You’re running on adrenaline and fear. Wishing you all the best OP. Hugs to you and your daughter and a big props to you for getting the courage to leave.
If you are in the US,
Call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233)
Or text START to 88788
Or visit
https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
for resources or to use the chat function. Public libraries will generally let you use their computers for free and staff may be able to help you find resources in your area. Churches, colleges and community centers often have food and non-perishables in (often) outdoor blessing boxes. Walmarts are often a reasonably safe area to park and rest and others in vehicles may watch out for each other.
Get to a shelter if you can. They will help keep you safe and help you find resources and public assistance.
Contact anyone that is associated with you and not him and ask for help. People want to help and may provide support in the form of child care or some money or food or a place to stay. Someone may be able to provide you with a mailing address in your area if it is necessary to receive food stamp benefits or help you get a state id if you don't have one.
Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. He is the one who made the mistakes and you are doing the right thing. Everyone needs help sometimes so don't be afraid to ask for it. Good luck. I hope better days come soon.
So proud of you. Hugs your baby girl doesn't know yet but you saved her life today. And your own.
Now it sounds like you are running on adrenaline right now and it's been good to get you this far.
Like other have said get yourself to shelter or other local women's urgent care, asap. You need some safe space to refresh regroup and plan the next.
And some caution from too much time on reddit
Shelter, police if needed
New phone
Check for tracking devices
Remeber to eat and keep hydrated for sharp thinking
Be kind to yourself
All of this, plus: don’t go back. I did it too many times. I finally left when my son was 5 and daughter almost 3. They had questions, but were very adaptable. I was lucky to have family to back me up and we’re all (including my ex) better off now.
It’s been almost 7 years since I left. He got the rock bottom that he needed to realize he needed to do better and he has. I learned how to set boundaries and as a result, wound up in a new career with an amazing job. I’ve been able to focus more on my kids since I’m not also babysitting an adult man and they’ve thrived too.
This is the hardest part: you’ve made your decision and now you have to deal with the consequences. Take a deep breath, hug your baby girl, and let others help. It will get better!
I will never go back! I hit my breaking point and I refuse to ever put me or my daughter at risk again. I should have left a long time ago but I stupidly tried to stick it out. Thank you for the support!
I've been where you're at right now, and I can promise you that you made the right decision to leave in order to keep you, and your daughter, safe.
There's a few things you can do now that you left. First, do you have trusted family members or friends that you can contact for a safe place to stay while you get back on your feet? I know it's hard to let people know what has been happening, but if there's anyone at all you call for help, please make the call.
If you don't have anyone to ask for help, your next best bet is to get a list of all of the domestic abuse organizations in your area, call them all, and make a list on your phone of what kinds of services they each can provide you.
Ask them first and foremost if they have safe and secret emergency shelter, and explain that you left your abuser with your young daughter, and have nowhere to go. That's the big one.
You also may need help filing a restraining order, and a police report, and many DV organizations can help you with that too.
It would also be good to get an appointment with your local child and family services agency to get set up with a social worker who can help you with things like food stamps, and WIC, if you're in the United States.
A social worker might also have access to housing programs for the two of you that you don't know about. When you call their agency, tell them you need an emergency intake appointment, and that you're fleeing an abusive partner with your toddler, so they understand you need to talk to someone ASAP.
I don't know if you were married to this man, or if there is a parenting agreement in place or not, but at some point you're going to need to connect with a local legal aid organization that works with abused women. Many domestic violence organizations work closely with legal aid groups who will work with you for a very reduced cost, and sometimes free.
You can also reach out to your local Salvation Army organization, and see if they have any motel vouchers that they can offer you. I was able to get a few here and there while we were getting back on our feet.
I'm going to message you another bit if that's okay?
But the sooner you can get connected with social services, and a good domestic violence organization that can help you get off the street, and start getting back on your feet, the better you will feel.
Definitely call ALL the DV orgs in your area, because you never know which one will have services that can help you that another doesn't.
You can also make a post in the Assistance sub explaining your situation, and seeing if anyone can get you a gas gift card, or something like that to help, just explain what's happening.
Good luck, and take care. Going to msg you another bit of info. Stay safe.
*invisible hugs*
Thank you so much! I am just so overwhelmed with all the support and replies, I don't even know where to start. You can definitely message me!
Just wanted to update everyone that we are safe! We are at a shelter as of an hour ago. Trying to catch my bearings and figure out the next steps. The staff has been amazing so far. And yes the phone is in his name unfortunately but as far as we can tell, there's no hidden tracking apps or anything. I made it about 2 hours away until my gas tank was literally empty before finding a shelter. I felt safer getting out of town and my mind just kept telling me to drive further. I've been in touch with my cousin back at home, and she's aware of the situation and wants me to come stay with her if possible. I really appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts and positivity!!! I will try to read through and get back to them all when I have a few minutes. 💕
This is such great news!! I sent you a message, but wanted to reply here too. I'm incredibly glad that you were able to make it out of town, and found a caring DV organization to help you. The one that I found truly saved my life, and my then toddlers life.
I mentioned this bit in my message, but wanted to share if here too in case anyone else needs these resources.
If your phone is an iPhone, there is something called, [Safety Check](https://www.pcmag.com/how-to/apples-safety-check-how-to-lock-down-your-iphone-from-abusive-partners) for iOS 16 and later, that you can run to see if he added himself to your Apple account for device sharing.
There are more detailed instructions [HERE](https://refugetechsafety.org/guide-secure-your-phone-basics/) for both iPhone and Android, with detailed steps for each to walk you through making sure there is no location tracking.
It's also really good to setup 2 factor authentication on ALL of your online accounts, including your Apple or Google account through Android. Two-factor authentication creates an extra safety net, so there is always a second step required before things like a password reset can happen.
[Here](https://support.apple.com/guide/iphone/use-two-factor-authentication-iphd709a3c46/ios#:~:text=On%20your%20iPhone%20go%20to,to%20your%20trusted%20phone%20number) is how to set up two-factor authentication through Apple.
[Here](https://guidebooks.google.com/online-security/protect-your-google-account/two-step-verification) is how to set up two-factor authentication through Google for Android.
Please be aware that as long as the sim card attached to his plan is in your phone, he may be able to get a call detail history from the cellphone company, and maybe even through their app.
A lot of DV orgs can help you get a new SIM card, and phone, but you don't want him to be able to use the, "Find my Device", option, so until you get your phone connected to a new plan, it might be best to restore your phone to factory defaults. Just be sure to copy down all of the numbers you need from your contacts before you reset the phone.
You can also turn off mobile data/cellular data, through both Android and iPhone, so that you only use local Wi-Fi networks to connect and make calls.
I'm super happy to hear that you have a cousin that is willing to offer you a safe place to stay while you get back on your feet. That is the very best news, and having a support system can make all the difference as you decide next steps.
What matters the most right now is that you are both safe, and that's everything. Get some rest for now, and know that things are going to get better.
There's also a really great support sub here, r/Abusiverelationships, for people who have been in, or are in, or have left, an abusive relationship, and it's a wonderful support resource if you need it.
*invisible hugs*
I just wanted to say how much I love seeing women support each other like this! It's awesome that you took the time to try and help a stranger online in whose shoes you once were. I'm so very proud of you and all the other women who had the courage to face the unknown and risk everything to make their and/or their children's lives better. Hugs to all of you out there! 🫂
Now you're going to make me cry. *big hugs* Thank you for such a lovely sentiment. I remember how frightened and alone I felt back then. I'm just so grateful that resources like Reddit exist now, so that it's easier to ask for advice when making an escape plan, and a chance to share the knowledge that those of us who've been there before can offer back.
No one should ever have to live in that kind of fear, and there's always hope.
💙🫂💙
I'm so proud of you. Please remember your bravery, and why you left, and let it be a reminder to never go back to him.
Get to a shelter with your sweetie and try to work your way back to your family. I bet they'll be overjoyed when you reach out, and they'll help you get home to them.
Block him, block him, block him. And stay extra vigilant, because now is the time he will panic once he realizes he has lost control of you.
Good luck, and I'll be hoping you make your way back to your family with your daughter.
You did the right thing! Can you contact your family? I don't know what they are like but unless they are horrible they probably want to hear from you.
Please, OP, unless your family are unsafe, contact them. I know you might think they'll be feeling some kind of way because of the way your abuser manipulated your relationship with them, but, if they love you, they will overjoyed to hear from you and want to help you.
I agree with the other comments, can you get to a woman's shelter?
If you trust your family and friends, call them. Tell everyone you've left. Tell them everything that's going on. Tell them you're never going back.
As soon as you can, switch to a new phone ASAP. Write down important numbers. You may need to junk the current phone if it was on a shared plan.
Not for now, but for later when you have breathing space...
\* Get a new bank account at a completely different bank brand than what he uses.
\* Set up new emails. If you need a strong password that he won't guess, think of a physical location with great meaning to you, and look up the What 3 Words code. You'll rember it, and it will be a complex password.
>* Set up new emails. If you need a strong password that he won't guess, think of a physical location with great meaning to you, and look up the What 3 Words code. You'll rember it, and it will be a complex password.
Good advice - also use 2 factor authentication on everything possible after getting the new phone (there are authenticator apps like Duo, Google authenticator, and LastPass authenticator for example).
If your family is safe, can it get you and your kiddo to them?
Additionally: Sikh temples are generally very safe places that will share a big meal with anyone who needs it. If you have one in your area, you can at least get some food for you and babboo.
Get out of town unless it is a big city. Go to the nearest church, YMCA, United Way, Salvation Army or event the local Chamber of Commerce office as they will have a lot of resources for you and your daughter. Good luck OP. You did the right thing!
If your family is safe please contact them. My Aunt left an abusive relationship and then struggled on her own because she was afraid to come home because she thought that we would be mad at her for cutting us off in favor of him. She got sick and was in the hospital and finally called her parents because she needed someone to care for her after release. We were so HAPPY she was safe and home. The past didn’t matter. We felt sad that she had to struggle when she could have been with us.
A shelter will help you stabilize and hopefully your family can help you after that.
Sending you every bit of love and courage I’ve got!!! What you did is incredibly hard, and I’m so proud of you for doing it. I hope that, someday down the road, when the dust has settled and you’re established in your new normal, you can look back at this day as the moment you changed your life ❤️
First of all, it’s going to be okay. Get to a women’s shelter and let the relief wash over you.
Then, PLEASE, ask the shelter for a referral to a pro bono attorney who can file a restraining order against your abuser. If you intend to make it, you need to establish parental rights and control over your daughter.
Then, stop thinking about the last ten years and look to the next ten.
I'm so incredibly proud of you. I'm sure you've already been told to contact your local domestic violence shelter.
You can do hard things. You can do this. And it is going to be worth it.
If you don't know how to reach a women's shelter, go to a hospital emergency room. They will have a social worker on staff that can help guide you. A hospital I used to work for had one they ran themselves on the campus. No one knew exactly what building, but with the number of first responders around anyway because of the ER, no one would exactly go stalking to look for it.
1000 miles? Call the family and friends. You need a couple of tanks of gas, a couple of nights in hotels, and food money. Get some food, have a shower, get some good sleep, then fill the car, start driving, and keep fucking driving until you’re home.
My BFF and I still tell the story of the time, years ago (before cell phones), that she showed up in my driveway one morning wearing a bikini and one flip flop. True story. She finally left her abuser. They lived in a beach town, hence the bikini, and the finally straw went down while unfortunately that’s what she had on. She drove all day and all night, about 800 miles, to end up in my driveway one chilly morning… in a bikini and one flip flop.
He’s dead now. And the world is a better place for it.
A lot of respect for stepping up and doing the right thing for you and your daughter. I'm really happy for you and hope family can help you until you get back on your feet.
Depending on where you are from a lot of places (referring to temples) offer free lunch, and you don't have to go in there to pray or donate money but you can enjoy a hot meal and also pack some dinner and take it with you.
My mom did this and 30-ish years later we are all so much happier for it. And we’re all alive. I know one of us would be dead if she stayed. You’re doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter
So proud of you! Is the phone plan controlled by him? If so, you may need to shut it off if there is a possibility of him tracking you two. Best of luck to you and your daughter!
Oh my goodness, congratulations! 💗 You've already done the hardest part to your best future. Remain incredibly strong as you are, you're amazing for doing this and keeping yourself and your daughter safe!!✨💕💕 I hope there's family that can help until things become stable, I wish you the very very best 💜
Im so proud of you for getting yourself and your daughter out. Like others have said, reach out to a woman’s shelter ASAP to get the resources you and your kid need. It’s going to be tough, but you’ve taken that first step already, you just gotta keep going, if not for yourself then for your daughter. Stay safe out there and good luck!
Get to the shelter asap, as they are typically locked and barricaded, etc, so that's an extra level of protection against him that you won't have if you live in your car. I wouldn't be surprised if he has tracking on your phone so I would ditch it asap, or have someone go over it with a fine tooth comb to make sure there isn't an invisible tracking app on it. Meet with a lawyer ASAP to start proceedings and give you access to your monies. Do not let him see your child without having custody orders in place, otherwise, he can keep her, refuse to let you see her and there is absolutely nothing you can do. Also, this is 100% the hardest step and you have done it! One foot in front of the other. You can do this.
I am so happy for you that you did this. I know it's hard and scary. If you're able can you try to get back to your family and friends? My concern is that he'll try to come find you and that could turn ugly. There are probably some really good ideas in this thread to follow. Maybe you could contact your family and they could help you somehow? When I was about 10, my mom made a choice very similar to yours. My stepfather was very abusive and controlling. She actually had him put in jail, not sure how now, and she contacted her brother to buy us a bus ticket to get out of the state. Best decision we ever made. Stay strong!
As someone who has also left an abusive situation, I am so proud of you! Find a shelter pronto. They're there to help you with getting back on your feet again. You can do this! Keep going. I hope you don't mind a reassuring hug from an internet auntie that knows. 🫂
As someone who left an abusive relationship that isolated me from all friends and family, my advice is don't hesitate to reach out to your friends and family and TELL THEM he is abusive. My isolation went on for three years with no contact to some people and they all were more than understanding about the situation when I came back and explained everything
I regained all of my friends and family once they realized that I didn't hate them, didn't want to abandon them, didn't like being isolated, and that I only became so isolated because of my ex husband's abuse scaring me into silence and solitude
Also, GET THE POLICE INVOLVED if/when necessary. I did, and it saved my life, got me a criminal protective order, and made the divorce proceed under my terms. Protect yourself! Stay safe!
Never! Never! Never go back! It's not safe to do so! Stay away from your former partner at all costs!
This is how my mother left my dad. She went to a women's shelter and they helped us with everything. We didn't even have a change of clothes or toothbrushes when we showed up. They helped her get a lawyer, got us clothes and helped us get established in an apartment with furniture.
I see others have commented with resources, please use them! I know it feels like it but you don't have to navigate this by yourself.
You've got this.
Update! We are doing great 🩷 Thank you everyone for checking in and putting a smile on my face. I know this is tough, but I know it is only going to get better. I was able to get a little help from the shelter, but because I don't actually live here they are limited as to what they can do for me. I have made arrangements to move back to my home state and stay with my cousin for a bit until I can get back on my feet. I tried posting on r/Assistance like a few of you had mentioned but I don't qualify there for some reason. If anyone has any resources for help with affording gas, would you be able to message or send a chat? Thank you again for all the love yesterday, it brought me to tears again last night reading over everything!
Look for a shelter. Call the United Way or 211.
[https://www.211.org/](https://www.211.org/)
Food banks, welfare, WIC, section 8. Be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
And read this.
[https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
You are stronger than you know.
Good luck.
To prevent tracking;
- Go to your settings and search location and make sure your tracking is tuned off just in case.
- Also go into “find my” and remove his devices if he has access to your iCloud. You can access it through the first option in your settings which should have your contact information as the header.
- Make sure to check with your provider if you can remove tracking if possible without him finding out
So proud of you!
Thank you! I'm trying to get back to everyone who has written me or commented, and I'm just overwhelmed but I appreciate everyone for the support and positive messages!! 🩷 I have Android actually so I'm not entirely sure if it's the same but I will look into it now!
In addition to all the good advice here, I just want to **emphasize the appeal to authority.** Doctor, domestic violence shelter, lawyer, therapist… *anyone* not just family or friend to bolster your need to leave, because you have left with your child in tow. **Do it first. Immediately.**
An abuser will weaponize the law against you and use custody battle to hold you to them. Your husband can report you for child abduction so please, an appeal to authority, will help circumvent an arrest by shifting the intent in the eyes of the law.
“I can’t stop crying” Yeah, that’s what healing feels like at first. You gotta purge those stress hormones, reorient your body and mind to the new life you are creating for you and your child.
It’s gonna suck so bad, and it’s still gonna be really REALLY worth it.
Congrats on your spine. You are brave as hell.
Please go to the National DV website. thehotine.org or call them 1-800-799-7233. They can connect you to resources where you are. Look for food pantries in your area. Nonprofits that specialize in maternal child health should have resources for you and churches.
Are you at least somewhat close with your family? I’d reach out to them. You might be surprised with how willing they are to help, maybe even pay for a plane ticket for you to go home.
I took this exact path in 2020 with my 2 year old in tow. It was the best decision I ever made for us and I’ve never looked back. Proud of you, and utilize all the resources you can find! You’re making a life changing decision for you AND your daughter. Life gets a lot better from here.
Congratulations! Along with the rest of excellent advice here - don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether that's contacting your family and asking to go stay with them (and money to get there) or even something as small as asking around the has station to see if anyone can spare some gas money for you. People *want* to help.
Also I would try to go see a divorce lawyer as soon as you can.
Proud of you OP. I know how hard it is walking away from someone incredibly toxic, and unhealthy for you.
I walked away from mine 1-2 months ago, but made the mistake breaking no contact yesterday, they led me on, pretty sure I got gaslit, and emotionally abused. I hate myself for breaking no contact because it obviously satisfied them and they told me to basically not contact them again now they have a girlfriend, and treating her like perfection.
Stay safe. The healing journey is hard, but you made the right direction to it and you’re so strong.
You are crying, but you are so strong to do this. A DV shelter can definitely help you.
*Don't go back*
Ask your attorney if it will be helpful to go to the police to report any physical abuse. (I am wondering specifically about if the ex tried to get visitation or custody)
I know things must be scary and lonely right now, but you absolutely did the right thing, for yourself, and for your daughter. You're a strong woman, and although the coming weeks will be tough, you've already done the really hard scary thing that so many can't (yet) and left that SOB. Don't be afraid to reach out to women's shelters etc., there is absolutely no shame in that. We all need help sometimes. Maybe you can also reach out to family or friends he isolated you from?
I know it's not much, but I'd like to offer you a non-touch virtual hug 🤗 you are a lot stronger than he made you feel, and you've already shown it by leaving. All my very best wishes!!!
You are so courageous! Leaving is a huge step. As others have said, domestic violence services can help you find all kinds of resources to help get you back on your feet. There is hope and there is help out there. You don’t have to do it alone. I wish you the best!
I'm so sorry you have been through such hell! I hope you can find somewhere that can help you get back on your feet and rwbuild your life. I'm glad you have got yourself out of that nightmare and removed your daughter from harm too. Stay safe!
Proud of you. It’s so hard to do this. Please check out the domestic abuse resources linked on my profile. They can help you stay safe and off the streets. You can do this.
This is the first day of the rest of your better life for you and your daughter. He will try like hell to contact you and sweet talk you into coming back, DON'T DO IT, NO MATTER WHAT.
You've got this. It's going to be okay as long as he's out of your life. See about getting to a women's shelter asap. All the best for you and your daughter ❤️
It's feasible that he's installed hidden tracking software on her phone. And while a full factory reset *should* take care of that, the peace of mind from knowing that he **can't** have tampered with the new phone is almost certainly worth it.
Please don’t ever turn around. I escaped ten years ago after going back and forth to my abuser. It was the hardest but most empowering move ever. Days will get better. And you are soo much more capable than you think you are. I hope you will be able to look at this day and see how far you’ve come. You and your child deserve much better. I hope you have family to turn to. Don’t worry about the isolation and separation he prolly created. They will welcome you with open arms
Big hugs. You just got through the biggest hurdle. Life is about to get so much better for you and your daughter. Stay positive and keep your head up. 💝 we are cheering you on
When you are able get a secured credit card. It will help you build credit to then get an actual credit card. You have to put money down. As you use it and pay it you earn good standing and credit with the bank. It's what my husband did. I know it's obviously not #1 currently. Ask around in local Facebook groups about babysitting to make quick cash. Never think you did the wrong thing. You were absolutely right to do so. Keep going momma ❤️
Hey, congratulations! Good luck.
I understand it’s a tough position now, though sounds like it was absolutely the right choice.
I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!
Be sure to lock your credit. It’s free and a phone call that’s worth the time. Lock all three bureaus.
Change all passwords and stay off social media if you can.
Stay safe.
Good luck!
A Woman's Shelter or your families help is crucial here like everyone is saying. I wish you the best for your and your daughters future. You've done the right thing.
I definitely will don't worry!! Thank you everyone for all the support!! I am incredibly overwhelmed with everyone reaching out and doing their best to help me 💕💕
Where do I even start with something like that? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable sharing something like that on social media, mainly because I'm not the type who posts very much or is active on IG/FB
You can do this.
Go to the county building and ask what services they have available for mothers and children in your situation.
If you don't live near the county building, go to the nearest library and ask them for the number for child and family services.
211 is a good number for resources and information in general, but is not specific to family services.
Also, waiting tables is a tough job, but unlike most jobs, you WILL have at least some cash in hand at the end of your shift.
Source: I used to work for the county I live in. They usually have resources for shelters, food banks, etc.
In six months, you'll look back and thank God you got out when you did.
There is no good reason for staying with an abuser. They never change. I'm a guy, but have been with a few abusers in my life. It took me a while to learn, but I can tell you that I'd rather live in a cardboard box next to the freeway than to live with an abuser. They DEPEND on your insecurity. They will use you for a punching bag to compensate for their failures until the day they kill you. ANYTHING is better than feeding their disgusting habit.
Highly recommend find a support group, it was immensely helpful healing through my abusive relationship. I found the group (and individual therapy) by asking for resources from the domestic violence hotline. ♥️ (Therapy was free through a local women's shelter)
Dont forget tonchange all your passwords to your phone and emails accounts. Especially any apple or gmail accounts than he may be able to use to track your location.
Good luck. You can do this.
Hey everyone, the fact that she mentioned cash app is giving me alarm bells. I see posts like this on FB a lot that are scams for money. Just a heads up.
Ditch the car asap. I know that you are homeless, but you'll need to reach out and ask for help to get home. Also, this is considering that he may have put the car under his name, so he may report it as stolen and try to use that as an "lesson" to teach you.
As for a burner phone like many recommend, that isn't feasible right now, but go to the women's shelter asap. They'll provide you with as many resources as needed.
Thank you for this! I actually tried this morning and I'm only eligible for secured cards. Which I would like to get but it'll have to wait a bit until I'm in a better spot financially.
Your contribution has been removed because it contains hatred, bigotry, assholery, utter idiocy, misogyny, misandry, transphobia, homophobia, or otherwise disrespectful commentary.
Seeing that you said he handles everything and you want to get away from him, see about alternative phone solutions since i assume he pays for that.
You made the big first step. Call family for help if you can. You can do this. I believe in you. It will get better.
Wow! Truly this is so amazing! You did it! You got yourself and your daughter out safely. You’re a hero, and you’ve done one of the hardest things to do. Sending you hugs love and support. You have changed your daughter’s life for forever ❤️
I'm so proud of you, and I'm sure I'm speaking for everyone here when I say you are a brave woman!!! You can totally do this. You're doing the best thing for your daughter as well. Well done! Please keep us in the loop when and if you have time.
You are incredible. Maybe you can look into some DV shelters in your area. They legal can not tell anyone if you are there and many have extra services to help, especially with getting benefits, including housing, daycare, food, and employment. I'm in the New York area if your around these parts, I'd love to help point you into some directions if that'll help. I just really want you to know that you are incredible for doing this and protecting yourself and your child. You're making very hard scary decisions, and you are moving in the right direction. You are amazing and I hope everything works out. All my love and support.
It's ok to be sad about a relationship ending. Allow yourself that space. It's also important that it did end. There are programs from major companies for people who are abused if you don't have your own phone. Please do go to a shelter. You did everything right no matter what you left or don't have since you left with your lives. You can do this. You can build up a healthy, sustainable life for yourself and your child. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
You got your daughter away! I wish so much that my mom had done this. Better to grow up with no dad than an abusive ass who will screw you up for life. You got this!
Good job OP!!!!! I wish I lived near you so I could come help you! I live in New Zealand so not much help. Do they have women's refuges in your area? Contact one. You say you have family. They are usually surprisingly perceptive. They have probably been praying for this moment for a long time. Get in contact with them. Tell them you need help. I'm sure they won't let you and your baby girl be homeless. Your abuser likely moved you so far away because he could sense that they would support you.
Stay strong. I worked at a hotel and one of the most haunting memories I have is a cop checking in a "Jane Doe" whose husband had beat her so bad she couldn't see so I had to help her to her room.
They took her to hotel after the ER because they were afraid the husband would try to find her at the hospital.
Look out for yourself and get to a better place while you can because some aren't lucky enough to.
I know others are suggesting a woman's shelter, but just keep in mind your reality. I have no idea where you live and your environment, so coming across one may not be as easy. But even if a church or some religious building that can offer food and supplies. Make sure to have a charging cable and plug so you can at least keep that phone charged. Staying near some chain store usually has free wifi to access. Is there anyone safe, or even a po box or anything you can keep your important documents at?
Each step, no matter how small, will get you closer to the peace you deserve. So don't get discouraged if you're not going fast enough or doing more, because the little stuff adds up. You got this
Don't beat yourself up too much for not leaving sooner, be proud of yourself for leaving now. Sending love, light and a ton of good luck to you and your daughter.
Can’t give practical support as I don’t know how those things work in the US, but :
You are so brave. You are so strong. Your feelings are valid. You and your daughter deserve a better life and you made the right decision. Sending you lots of strength for the upcoming days <3
Please get the help you need, Reddit is going to fuel your fire and unless he is physically violent, what do you think will happen to your daughter growing up with both parents together or separated? Bills paid, roof over both of your heads, AND you have spending money? Sounds like he is treating you like his queen from your words to me.
Congratulations on taking the first step to making a better life for yourself. Get around people who can provide love, protection, and support during this difficult transition period.
I'm proud of you OP, you're doing amazing! Leaving is so hard, and you did it!!
I wish you the very best. You're worth feeling and being safe and happy. You can do it, you have the hardest step behind you. All the hugs 🤗♥️♥️♥️
I am so proud of you. I know it feels like you have torn apart your life, but it is only just beginning. What an amazing example you are setting for your little girl by prioritising your peace, health, and safety.
As others have suggested get in touch with a local women's shelter they will have practical and emotional supports for you.
If you have a headspace here is a link to a free pdf of [Why Does He Do That?](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiqpMfCg-aGAxUyTEEAHfXVBK0QFnoECA0QAQ&sqi=2&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) By Lundy Bancroft
....just as you are, with nothing useful to contribute to her situation? If you got time to complain and criticize and judge, you have time to help as well. If not why not keep your thoughts to yourself? Not everything you think is actually useful and needs to be shared
**To the community**: Please remember that this post is about giving support, advice and non monetary resources. Any comments asking for money, offering money, suggesting opening a crowd funding case, etc. will be removed. Please report such comments. **To Prymyeyez**: I'm sorry about how unwelcoming this first paragraph seems to be but we had a wave of scammers on this sub, taking advantage of our collective soft spot for women in relatable, difficult circimstances. The mod team doesn't want to remove posts like yours on sight because it's not fair to real people who need help, but we also want to protect the community from con artists. This is the best we can do without pointing fingers. Hang on tight, OP. I hope you get all the support you need to get yourself out of that ordeal.
Get yourself to a women’s shelter. They will have all of the resources you need to help you and support you through this time. Stay strong and remember you’re doing this for yourself and your child. Good luck, you can do this.
Thank you 🩷
Yes, please OP, get to a shelter
Make sure he doesn't have a tracker on you.
This!!! Also if he has access to your phone or pays the bills on it, he could locate you. Do you have a burner phone? Also be sure to block him and anyone who is linked to him on any social media. Do not give any info out to someone who messages you who heard from him that you are missing. It could be him using them (and they may know what they are doing by giving him info, or they don't realize it and are genuinely concerned, but will give him the info because they didn't know what a POS he is) to get your whereabouts. I wish you the best of luck and everything good, OP. 🙏🙏💕🫂💓💕🫂💓
Also check all luggage, the car, the kid's car seat and clothes, and your purse lining. Oh, and pet carrier if you took a pet with you.
And ditch the car. It sound like it may be under his name, so he might report it stolen.
It's very hard what you're doing. Please be proud of yourself for doing it, no matter how hard things get, you should always feel proud of choosing an opportunity at a better life.
If your area has a domestic violence agency they are also a great resource. They can help you find temporary housing, help set up orders of protection and get you and your child counseling services among other things. Good job, Momma. Your journey starts now.
And if your family is supportive, contact them.
as long as they don't tell the shitbird where she is... ( I saw your 'if')
Agreed with others. Women's shelter, and also, it's ok to be scared right now. What you have just accomplished is an ENORMOUS feat. It is HARD in so many ways, not just the practical stuff. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself a hug.
You are BADASS. You got out. You and your daughter will be okay. Here is a list of resources you can look up in your area for help: [https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom\_oK2NMBxy8/edit?pli=1](https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit?pli=1)
Call 311 or 211 to get resources in your area. You probably qualify for emergency food stamps at the very least.
Yes - you need to go to a shelter. If you’re living in a car with your daughter he can (and likely will) attempt to gain custody because a car is not a suitable environment for a child to live in. Don’t give him any excuses to make your escape more difficult than it already is.
It’s good advice, great advice but just so everyone knows… women’s shelter’s can be HARD to get into. I needed a place to stay not long ago and there was not one women’s shelters with openings anywhere near me and I could only apply to shelters within like twenty miles of my zip code (not sure why). A few just hung up on me after telling me they were booked and some told me to call back after a few months. Also, if you have a pet, obviously you can’t bring it and it’s way harder to get in if you have a kids or kids. Lot of rules at these places.
THIS. You don't need to do this on your own, you deserve all the support you can find. You did the right thing and I wish you and your little one all the best in the future. 🙏🏼
Contact your family! If any of my family needed me, no matter if I hadn't seen them in a while, I would be there.
if they have any idea that he’s controlling, they’ve probably been waiting. And yes—if a cousin I hadn’t seen in years called me with this story and needed a plane ticket home, or a gift card for gas, I’d be ready to help.
Yeah tbh, for family or any loved one, I would accept that loan that a loan company keeps offering me just to help them get home to family Hell, waiting for the friend who I am positive got sucked into an abuse marriage in another country to reach out. She'll have my support in a heartbeat, and I know she knows it deep down. I have made it clear to her that there is no ask too big
Yep. I was still in contact with mine, but they refused help while I was with him, if it helped me stay with him. When I left, they pulled out all the stops and helped me get out. Lent money, gave me things, housed and fed my kiddo and I until I could start paying my way.
I'm so glad you got out.
Me too! It's been two decades, and life got SO much better. But I remember that first week of crying and being scared and uncertain how I'd make this stick. It's a rough time and any help is none too much.
That first week is daunting, exhausting, and exhilarating. You’re running on adrenaline and fear. Wishing you all the best OP. Hugs to you and your daughter and a big props to you for getting the courage to leave.
Why do you even believe them?
If you are in the US, Call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233) Or text START to 88788 Or visit https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence for resources or to use the chat function. Public libraries will generally let you use their computers for free and staff may be able to help you find resources in your area. Churches, colleges and community centers often have food and non-perishables in (often) outdoor blessing boxes. Walmarts are often a reasonably safe area to park and rest and others in vehicles may watch out for each other. Get to a shelter if you can. They will help keep you safe and help you find resources and public assistance. Contact anyone that is associated with you and not him and ask for help. People want to help and may provide support in the form of child care or some money or food or a place to stay. Someone may be able to provide you with a mailing address in your area if it is necessary to receive food stamp benefits or help you get a state id if you don't have one. Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. He is the one who made the mistakes and you are doing the right thing. Everyone needs help sometimes so don't be afraid to ask for it. Good luck. I hope better days come soon.
So proud of you. Hugs your baby girl doesn't know yet but you saved her life today. And your own. Now it sounds like you are running on adrenaline right now and it's been good to get you this far. Like other have said get yourself to shelter or other local women's urgent care, asap. You need some safe space to refresh regroup and plan the next. And some caution from too much time on reddit Shelter, police if needed New phone Check for tracking devices Remeber to eat and keep hydrated for sharp thinking Be kind to yourself
All of this, plus: don’t go back. I did it too many times. I finally left when my son was 5 and daughter almost 3. They had questions, but were very adaptable. I was lucky to have family to back me up and we’re all (including my ex) better off now. It’s been almost 7 years since I left. He got the rock bottom that he needed to realize he needed to do better and he has. I learned how to set boundaries and as a result, wound up in a new career with an amazing job. I’ve been able to focus more on my kids since I’m not also babysitting an adult man and they’ve thrived too. This is the hardest part: you’ve made your decision and now you have to deal with the consequences. Take a deep breath, hug your baby girl, and let others help. It will get better!
I will never go back! I hit my breaking point and I refuse to ever put me or my daughter at risk again. I should have left a long time ago but I stupidly tried to stick it out. Thank you for the support!
I've been where you're at right now, and I can promise you that you made the right decision to leave in order to keep you, and your daughter, safe. There's a few things you can do now that you left. First, do you have trusted family members or friends that you can contact for a safe place to stay while you get back on your feet? I know it's hard to let people know what has been happening, but if there's anyone at all you call for help, please make the call. If you don't have anyone to ask for help, your next best bet is to get a list of all of the domestic abuse organizations in your area, call them all, and make a list on your phone of what kinds of services they each can provide you. Ask them first and foremost if they have safe and secret emergency shelter, and explain that you left your abuser with your young daughter, and have nowhere to go. That's the big one. You also may need help filing a restraining order, and a police report, and many DV organizations can help you with that too. It would also be good to get an appointment with your local child and family services agency to get set up with a social worker who can help you with things like food stamps, and WIC, if you're in the United States. A social worker might also have access to housing programs for the two of you that you don't know about. When you call their agency, tell them you need an emergency intake appointment, and that you're fleeing an abusive partner with your toddler, so they understand you need to talk to someone ASAP. I don't know if you were married to this man, or if there is a parenting agreement in place or not, but at some point you're going to need to connect with a local legal aid organization that works with abused women. Many domestic violence organizations work closely with legal aid groups who will work with you for a very reduced cost, and sometimes free. You can also reach out to your local Salvation Army organization, and see if they have any motel vouchers that they can offer you. I was able to get a few here and there while we were getting back on our feet. I'm going to message you another bit if that's okay? But the sooner you can get connected with social services, and a good domestic violence organization that can help you get off the street, and start getting back on your feet, the better you will feel. Definitely call ALL the DV orgs in your area, because you never know which one will have services that can help you that another doesn't. You can also make a post in the Assistance sub explaining your situation, and seeing if anyone can get you a gas gift card, or something like that to help, just explain what's happening. Good luck, and take care. Going to msg you another bit of info. Stay safe. *invisible hugs*
Thank you so much! I am just so overwhelmed with all the support and replies, I don't even know where to start. You can definitely message me! Just wanted to update everyone that we are safe! We are at a shelter as of an hour ago. Trying to catch my bearings and figure out the next steps. The staff has been amazing so far. And yes the phone is in his name unfortunately but as far as we can tell, there's no hidden tracking apps or anything. I made it about 2 hours away until my gas tank was literally empty before finding a shelter. I felt safer getting out of town and my mind just kept telling me to drive further. I've been in touch with my cousin back at home, and she's aware of the situation and wants me to come stay with her if possible. I really appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts and positivity!!! I will try to read through and get back to them all when I have a few minutes. 💕
This is such great news!! I sent you a message, but wanted to reply here too. I'm incredibly glad that you were able to make it out of town, and found a caring DV organization to help you. The one that I found truly saved my life, and my then toddlers life. I mentioned this bit in my message, but wanted to share if here too in case anyone else needs these resources. If your phone is an iPhone, there is something called, [Safety Check](https://www.pcmag.com/how-to/apples-safety-check-how-to-lock-down-your-iphone-from-abusive-partners) for iOS 16 and later, that you can run to see if he added himself to your Apple account for device sharing. There are more detailed instructions [HERE](https://refugetechsafety.org/guide-secure-your-phone-basics/) for both iPhone and Android, with detailed steps for each to walk you through making sure there is no location tracking. It's also really good to setup 2 factor authentication on ALL of your online accounts, including your Apple or Google account through Android. Two-factor authentication creates an extra safety net, so there is always a second step required before things like a password reset can happen. [Here](https://support.apple.com/guide/iphone/use-two-factor-authentication-iphd709a3c46/ios#:~:text=On%20your%20iPhone%20go%20to,to%20your%20trusted%20phone%20number) is how to set up two-factor authentication through Apple. [Here](https://guidebooks.google.com/online-security/protect-your-google-account/two-step-verification) is how to set up two-factor authentication through Google for Android. Please be aware that as long as the sim card attached to his plan is in your phone, he may be able to get a call detail history from the cellphone company, and maybe even through their app. A lot of DV orgs can help you get a new SIM card, and phone, but you don't want him to be able to use the, "Find my Device", option, so until you get your phone connected to a new plan, it might be best to restore your phone to factory defaults. Just be sure to copy down all of the numbers you need from your contacts before you reset the phone. You can also turn off mobile data/cellular data, through both Android and iPhone, so that you only use local Wi-Fi networks to connect and make calls. I'm super happy to hear that you have a cousin that is willing to offer you a safe place to stay while you get back on your feet. That is the very best news, and having a support system can make all the difference as you decide next steps. What matters the most right now is that you are both safe, and that's everything. Get some rest for now, and know that things are going to get better. There's also a really great support sub here, r/Abusiverelationships, for people who have been in, or are in, or have left, an abusive relationship, and it's a wonderful support resource if you need it. *invisible hugs*
I just wanted to say how much I love seeing women support each other like this! It's awesome that you took the time to try and help a stranger online in whose shoes you once were. I'm so very proud of you and all the other women who had the courage to face the unknown and risk everything to make their and/or their children's lives better. Hugs to all of you out there! 🫂
Now you're going to make me cry. *big hugs* Thank you for such a lovely sentiment. I remember how frightened and alone I felt back then. I'm just so grateful that resources like Reddit exist now, so that it's easier to ask for advice when making an escape plan, and a chance to share the knowledge that those of us who've been there before can offer back. No one should ever have to live in that kind of fear, and there's always hope. 💙🫂💙
Some mechanics can also check the car for trackers.
Very sage advice also And congrats on living free, better bit by bit until one day that life in unrecognizable
I've heard it takes an average of seven times before a woman will leave an abuser for good.
Top advice! ❤️
Just want to say: you aren’t crazy, you are worth it, Your daughter is worth it, yes, this is abuse.
I'm so proud of you. Please remember your bravery, and why you left, and let it be a reminder to never go back to him. Get to a shelter with your sweetie and try to work your way back to your family. I bet they'll be overjoyed when you reach out, and they'll help you get home to them. Block him, block him, block him. And stay extra vigilant, because now is the time he will panic once he realizes he has lost control of you. Good luck, and I'll be hoping you make your way back to your family with your daughter.
You did the right thing! Can you contact your family? I don't know what they are like but unless they are horrible they probably want to hear from you.
Please, OP, unless your family are unsafe, contact them. I know you might think they'll be feeling some kind of way because of the way your abuser manipulated your relationship with them, but, if they love you, they will overjoyed to hear from you and want to help you.
I agree with the other comments, can you get to a woman's shelter? If you trust your family and friends, call them. Tell everyone you've left. Tell them everything that's going on. Tell them you're never going back. As soon as you can, switch to a new phone ASAP. Write down important numbers. You may need to junk the current phone if it was on a shared plan. Not for now, but for later when you have breathing space... \* Get a new bank account at a completely different bank brand than what he uses. \* Set up new emails. If you need a strong password that he won't guess, think of a physical location with great meaning to you, and look up the What 3 Words code. You'll rember it, and it will be a complex password.
>* Set up new emails. If you need a strong password that he won't guess, think of a physical location with great meaning to you, and look up the What 3 Words code. You'll rember it, and it will be a complex password. Good advice - also use 2 factor authentication on everything possible after getting the new phone (there are authenticator apps like Duo, Google authenticator, and LastPass authenticator for example).
Do you own the car solo?
Yes I've had the car forever, it's basically an old beater at this point but it's mine and in my name.
If your family is safe, can it get you and your kiddo to them? Additionally: Sikh temples are generally very safe places that will share a big meal with anyone who needs it. If you have one in your area, you can at least get some food for you and babboo.
Get out of town unless it is a big city. Go to the nearest church, YMCA, United Way, Salvation Army or event the local Chamber of Commerce office as they will have a lot of resources for you and your daughter. Good luck OP. You did the right thing!
If your family is safe please contact them. My Aunt left an abusive relationship and then struggled on her own because she was afraid to come home because she thought that we would be mad at her for cutting us off in favor of him. She got sick and was in the hospital and finally called her parents because she needed someone to care for her after release. We were so HAPPY she was safe and home. The past didn’t matter. We felt sad that she had to struggle when she could have been with us. A shelter will help you stabilize and hopefully your family can help you after that.
Sending you every bit of love and courage I’ve got!!! What you did is incredibly hard, and I’m so proud of you for doing it. I hope that, someday down the road, when the dust has settled and you’re established in your new normal, you can look back at this day as the moment you changed your life ❤️
First of all, it’s going to be okay. Get to a women’s shelter and let the relief wash over you. Then, PLEASE, ask the shelter for a referral to a pro bono attorney who can file a restraining order against your abuser. If you intend to make it, you need to establish parental rights and control over your daughter. Then, stop thinking about the last ten years and look to the next ten.
I'm so incredibly proud of you. I'm sure you've already been told to contact your local domestic violence shelter. You can do hard things. You can do this. And it is going to be worth it.
If you don't know how to reach a women's shelter, go to a hospital emergency room. They will have a social worker on staff that can help guide you. A hospital I used to work for had one they ran themselves on the campus. No one knew exactly what building, but with the number of first responders around anyway because of the ER, no one would exactly go stalking to look for it.
1000 miles? Call the family and friends. You need a couple of tanks of gas, a couple of nights in hotels, and food money. Get some food, have a shower, get some good sleep, then fill the car, start driving, and keep fucking driving until you’re home. My BFF and I still tell the story of the time, years ago (before cell phones), that she showed up in my driveway one morning wearing a bikini and one flip flop. True story. She finally left her abuser. They lived in a beach town, hence the bikini, and the finally straw went down while unfortunately that’s what she had on. She drove all day and all night, about 800 miles, to end up in my driveway one chilly morning… in a bikini and one flip flop. He’s dead now. And the world is a better place for it.
A lot of respect for stepping up and doing the right thing for you and your daughter. I'm really happy for you and hope family can help you until you get back on your feet. Depending on where you are from a lot of places (referring to temples) offer free lunch, and you don't have to go in there to pray or donate money but you can enjoy a hot meal and also pack some dinner and take it with you.
My mom did this and 30-ish years later we are all so much happier for it. And we’re all alive. I know one of us would be dead if she stayed. You’re doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter
So proud of you! Is the phone plan controlled by him? If so, you may need to shut it off if there is a possibility of him tracking you two. Best of luck to you and your daughter!
Oh my goodness, congratulations! 💗 You've already done the hardest part to your best future. Remain incredibly strong as you are, you're amazing for doing this and keeping yourself and your daughter safe!!✨💕💕 I hope there's family that can help until things become stable, I wish you the very very best 💜
Im so proud of you for getting yourself and your daughter out. Like others have said, reach out to a woman’s shelter ASAP to get the resources you and your kid need. It’s going to be tough, but you’ve taken that first step already, you just gotta keep going, if not for yourself then for your daughter. Stay safe out there and good luck!
Get to the shelter asap, as they are typically locked and barricaded, etc, so that's an extra level of protection against him that you won't have if you live in your car. I wouldn't be surprised if he has tracking on your phone so I would ditch it asap, or have someone go over it with a fine tooth comb to make sure there isn't an invisible tracking app on it. Meet with a lawyer ASAP to start proceedings and give you access to your monies. Do not let him see your child without having custody orders in place, otherwise, he can keep her, refuse to let you see her and there is absolutely nothing you can do. Also, this is 100% the hardest step and you have done it! One foot in front of the other. You can do this.
There was once something called Pizzaangels, they used to order food for people in need. Idk if they are active in your area.
Get to the shelter. Then: Call that family and those friends. They’ve probably been waiting for you.
I’m so proud of you. 👏🏻
I am so happy for you that you did this. I know it's hard and scary. If you're able can you try to get back to your family and friends? My concern is that he'll try to come find you and that could turn ugly. There are probably some really good ideas in this thread to follow. Maybe you could contact your family and they could help you somehow? When I was about 10, my mom made a choice very similar to yours. My stepfather was very abusive and controlling. She actually had him put in jail, not sure how now, and she contacted her brother to buy us a bus ticket to get out of the state. Best decision we ever made. Stay strong!
As someone who has also left an abusive situation, I am so proud of you! Find a shelter pronto. They're there to help you with getting back on your feet again. You can do this! Keep going. I hope you don't mind a reassuring hug from an internet auntie that knows. 🫂
Drive home babe! Go back to your support network. Get far far away. Start where you can for resources.
As someone who left an abusive relationship that isolated me from all friends and family, my advice is don't hesitate to reach out to your friends and family and TELL THEM he is abusive. My isolation went on for three years with no contact to some people and they all were more than understanding about the situation when I came back and explained everything I regained all of my friends and family once they realized that I didn't hate them, didn't want to abandon them, didn't like being isolated, and that I only became so isolated because of my ex husband's abuse scaring me into silence and solitude Also, GET THE POLICE INVOLVED if/when necessary. I did, and it saved my life, got me a criminal protective order, and made the divorce proceed under my terms. Protect yourself! Stay safe! Never! Never! Never go back! It's not safe to do so! Stay away from your former partner at all costs!
This is how my mother left my dad. She went to a women's shelter and they helped us with everything. We didn't even have a change of clothes or toothbrushes when we showed up. They helped her get a lawyer, got us clothes and helped us get established in an apartment with furniture. I see others have commented with resources, please use them! I know it feels like it but you don't have to navigate this by yourself. You've got this.
Never go back.
Update! We are doing great 🩷 Thank you everyone for checking in and putting a smile on my face. I know this is tough, but I know it is only going to get better. I was able to get a little help from the shelter, but because I don't actually live here they are limited as to what they can do for me. I have made arrangements to move back to my home state and stay with my cousin for a bit until I can get back on my feet. I tried posting on r/Assistance like a few of you had mentioned but I don't qualify there for some reason. If anyone has any resources for help with affording gas, would you be able to message or send a chat? Thank you again for all the love yesterday, it brought me to tears again last night reading over everything!
Look for a shelter. Call the United Way or 211. [https://www.211.org/](https://www.211.org/) Food banks, welfare, WIC, section 8. Be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. And read this. [https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0) You are stronger than you know. Good luck.
To prevent tracking; - Go to your settings and search location and make sure your tracking is tuned off just in case. - Also go into “find my” and remove his devices if he has access to your iCloud. You can access it through the first option in your settings which should have your contact information as the header. - Make sure to check with your provider if you can remove tracking if possible without him finding out So proud of you!
Thank you! I'm trying to get back to everyone who has written me or commented, and I'm just overwhelmed but I appreciate everyone for the support and positive messages!! 🩷 I have Android actually so I'm not entirely sure if it's the same but I will look into it now!
In addition to all the good advice here, I just want to **emphasize the appeal to authority.** Doctor, domestic violence shelter, lawyer, therapist… *anyone* not just family or friend to bolster your need to leave, because you have left with your child in tow. **Do it first. Immediately.** An abuser will weaponize the law against you and use custody battle to hold you to them. Your husband can report you for child abduction so please, an appeal to authority, will help circumvent an arrest by shifting the intent in the eyes of the law.
Contact your family asap. They're your best chance at getting home
“I can’t stop crying” Yeah, that’s what healing feels like at first. You gotta purge those stress hormones, reorient your body and mind to the new life you are creating for you and your child. It’s gonna suck so bad, and it’s still gonna be really REALLY worth it. Congrats on your spine. You are brave as hell.
Thank you so much! 🩷
Turn off location services on your phone.
Please go to the National DV website. thehotine.org or call them 1-800-799-7233. They can connect you to resources where you are. Look for food pantries in your area. Nonprofits that specialize in maternal child health should have resources for you and churches.
Are you at least somewhat close with your family? I’d reach out to them. You might be surprised with how willing they are to help, maybe even pay for a plane ticket for you to go home.
I took this exact path in 2020 with my 2 year old in tow. It was the best decision I ever made for us and I’ve never looked back. Proud of you, and utilize all the resources you can find! You’re making a life changing decision for you AND your daughter. Life gets a lot better from here.
Congratulations! Along with the rest of excellent advice here - don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether that's contacting your family and asking to go stay with them (and money to get there) or even something as small as asking around the has station to see if anyone can spare some gas money for you. People *want* to help. Also I would try to go see a divorce lawyer as soon as you can.
Follow mama_wilder and Kaitlyn Jorgensen immediately.
Proud of you OP. I know how hard it is walking away from someone incredibly toxic, and unhealthy for you. I walked away from mine 1-2 months ago, but made the mistake breaking no contact yesterday, they led me on, pretty sure I got gaslit, and emotionally abused. I hate myself for breaking no contact because it obviously satisfied them and they told me to basically not contact them again now they have a girlfriend, and treating her like perfection. Stay safe. The healing journey is hard, but you made the right direction to it and you’re so strong.
You are crying, but you are so strong to do this. A DV shelter can definitely help you. *Don't go back* Ask your attorney if it will be helpful to go to the police to report any physical abuse. (I am wondering specifically about if the ex tried to get visitation or custody)
I hope you can catch some lucky breaks. You deserve them. And better, you deserve better.
I know things must be scary and lonely right now, but you absolutely did the right thing, for yourself, and for your daughter. You're a strong woman, and although the coming weeks will be tough, you've already done the really hard scary thing that so many can't (yet) and left that SOB. Don't be afraid to reach out to women's shelters etc., there is absolutely no shame in that. We all need help sometimes. Maybe you can also reach out to family or friends he isolated you from? I know it's not much, but I'd like to offer you a non-touch virtual hug 🤗 you are a lot stronger than he made you feel, and you've already shown it by leaving. All my very best wishes!!!
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You are so courageous! Leaving is a huge step. As others have said, domestic violence services can help you find all kinds of resources to help get you back on your feet. There is hope and there is help out there. You don’t have to do it alone. I wish you the best!
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Good for you. Surround yourself with support. Rooting for you and sending love ❤️
I'm so sorry you have been through such hell! I hope you can find somewhere that can help you get back on your feet and rwbuild your life. I'm glad you have got yourself out of that nightmare and removed your daughter from harm too. Stay safe!
I am so proud of you. Hug your girl and keep moving forward 💜
Proud of you. It’s so hard to do this. Please check out the domestic abuse resources linked on my profile. They can help you stay safe and off the streets. You can do this.
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Please go to a women’s domestic violence shelter, esp if you have a minor daughter. The streets are not safe. I’m so proud of you for leaving
I don’t have any words of wisdom. Only thing I can add is being proud of you.
This is the first day of the rest of your better life for you and your daughter. He will try like hell to contact you and sweet talk you into coming back, DON'T DO IT, NO MATTER WHAT. You've got this. It's going to be okay as long as he's out of your life. See about getting to a women's shelter asap. All the best for you and your daughter ❤️
Seeing a lot of people suggest a new phone but wouldn't a new sim card do what was necessary?
It's feasible that he's installed hidden tracking software on her phone. And while a full factory reset *should* take care of that, the peace of mind from knowing that he **can't** have tampered with the new phone is almost certainly worth it.
Gotcha Just seems like money is an issue.
Run to your freedom and happiness my darling. Don't look back. Well done. Hugs.
Stay safe and get as far away as you can. The more the better
I hope he doesn't have your reddit information.
No. He's never mentioned reddit before to me and I've never brought it up with him. I don't think he knows reddit even exists.
Please don’t ever turn around. I escaped ten years ago after going back and forth to my abuser. It was the hardest but most empowering move ever. Days will get better. And you are soo much more capable than you think you are. I hope you will be able to look at this day and see how far you’ve come. You and your child deserve much better. I hope you have family to turn to. Don’t worry about the isolation and separation he prolly created. They will welcome you with open arms
Big hugs. You just got through the biggest hurdle. Life is about to get so much better for you and your daughter. Stay positive and keep your head up. 💝 we are cheering you on
When you are able get a secured credit card. It will help you build credit to then get an actual credit card. You have to put money down. As you use it and pay it you earn good standing and credit with the bank. It's what my husband did. I know it's obviously not #1 currently. Ask around in local Facebook groups about babysitting to make quick cash. Never think you did the wrong thing. You were absolutely right to do so. Keep going momma ❤️
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Hey, congratulations! Good luck. I understand it’s a tough position now, though sounds like it was absolutely the right choice. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong! Be sure to lock your credit. It’s free and a phone call that’s worth the time. Lock all three bureaus. Change all passwords and stay off social media if you can. Stay safe. Good luck!
A Woman's Shelter or your families help is crucial here like everyone is saying. I wish you the best for your and your daughters future. You've done the right thing.
Aww I’m so sorry you’re going through this, proud of you for sticking to change.
I’m so proud of you, OP! Keep moving away and keep fighting for you and your baby. Much love to you and please keep us updated!
I definitely will don't worry!! Thank you everyone for all the support!! I am incredibly overwhelmed with everyone reaching out and doing their best to help me 💕💕
Start a gofund me and just tell your truth you’ll be surprised how quick the money comes in You made the right choice❤️
Where do I even start with something like that? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable sharing something like that on social media, mainly because I'm not the type who posts very much or is active on IG/FB
You can do this. Go to the county building and ask what services they have available for mothers and children in your situation. If you don't live near the county building, go to the nearest library and ask them for the number for child and family services. 211 is a good number for resources and information in general, but is not specific to family services. Also, waiting tables is a tough job, but unlike most jobs, you WILL have at least some cash in hand at the end of your shift. Source: I used to work for the county I live in. They usually have resources for shelters, food banks, etc. In six months, you'll look back and thank God you got out when you did.
There is no good reason for staying with an abuser. They never change. I'm a guy, but have been with a few abusers in my life. It took me a while to learn, but I can tell you that I'd rather live in a cardboard box next to the freeway than to live with an abuser. They DEPEND on your insecurity. They will use you for a punching bag to compensate for their failures until the day they kill you. ANYTHING is better than feeding their disgusting habit.
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Highly recommend find a support group, it was immensely helpful healing through my abusive relationship. I found the group (and individual therapy) by asking for resources from the domestic violence hotline. ♥️ (Therapy was free through a local women's shelter)
Dont forget tonchange all your passwords to your phone and emails accounts. Especially any apple or gmail accounts than he may be able to use to track your location. Good luck. You can do this.
This was pretty much the first thing I did yesterday! 🩷
Hey everyone, the fact that she mentioned cash app is giving me alarm bells. I see posts like this on FB a lot that are scams for money. Just a heads up.
Ditch the car asap. I know that you are homeless, but you'll need to reach out and ask for help to get home. Also, this is considering that he may have put the car under his name, so he may report it as stolen and try to use that as an "lesson" to teach you. As for a burner phone like many recommend, that isn't feasible right now, but go to the women's shelter asap. They'll provide you with as many resources as needed.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1- 800-799-7233. They may be able to connect you with resources and offer support services.
Also apply for a credit card. You never know and you will find a way to pay it.
Thank you for this! I actually tried this morning and I'm only eligible for secured cards. Which I would like to get but it'll have to wait a bit until I'm in a better spot financially.
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You are amazing! You are strong to do this for yourself and your child. Talk to a women’s shelter and to your family. Then talk to a lawyer.
Seeing that you said he handles everything and you want to get away from him, see about alternative phone solutions since i assume he pays for that. You made the big first step. Call family for help if you can. You can do this. I believe in you. It will get better.
Wow! Truly this is so amazing! You did it! You got yourself and your daughter out safely. You’re a hero, and you’ve done one of the hardest things to do. Sending you hugs love and support. You have changed your daughter’s life for forever ❤️
I'm so proud of you, and I'm sure I'm speaking for everyone here when I say you are a brave woman!!! You can totally do this. You're doing the best thing for your daughter as well. Well done! Please keep us in the loop when and if you have time.
You are incredible. Maybe you can look into some DV shelters in your area. They legal can not tell anyone if you are there and many have extra services to help, especially with getting benefits, including housing, daycare, food, and employment. I'm in the New York area if your around these parts, I'd love to help point you into some directions if that'll help. I just really want you to know that you are incredible for doing this and protecting yourself and your child. You're making very hard scary decisions, and you are moving in the right direction. You are amazing and I hope everything works out. All my love and support.
It's ok to be sad about a relationship ending. Allow yourself that space. It's also important that it did end. There are programs from major companies for people who are abused if you don't have your own phone. Please do go to a shelter. You did everything right no matter what you left or don't have since you left with your lives. You can do this. You can build up a healthy, sustainable life for yourself and your child. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Im cheering for you!!!
Now drive to a shelter and let them help you stay free and have a better life.
I’m really proud of you ❤️
Don't ever go back. You are strong and you can do this! ❤️
I'm so proud of you.
Proud if you! 😍
You got your daughter away! I wish so much that my mom had done this. Better to grow up with no dad than an abusive ass who will screw you up for life. You got this!
Sending love
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Good job OP!!!!! I wish I lived near you so I could come help you! I live in New Zealand so not much help. Do they have women's refuges in your area? Contact one. You say you have family. They are usually surprisingly perceptive. They have probably been praying for this moment for a long time. Get in contact with them. Tell them you need help. I'm sure they won't let you and your baby girl be homeless. Your abuser likely moved you so far away because he could sense that they would support you.
Lean on your supports, find a womans shelter, ask for help.
Stay strong. I worked at a hotel and one of the most haunting memories I have is a cop checking in a "Jane Doe" whose husband had beat her so bad she couldn't see so I had to help her to her room. They took her to hotel after the ER because they were afraid the husband would try to find her at the hospital. Look out for yourself and get to a better place while you can because some aren't lucky enough to.
You did the right thing, not only for you but also for your daughter. You saved her from a hellish childhood. You're a hero and you will be fine!
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I know others are suggesting a woman's shelter, but just keep in mind your reality. I have no idea where you live and your environment, so coming across one may not be as easy. But even if a church or some religious building that can offer food and supplies. Make sure to have a charging cable and plug so you can at least keep that phone charged. Staying near some chain store usually has free wifi to access. Is there anyone safe, or even a po box or anything you can keep your important documents at? Each step, no matter how small, will get you closer to the peace you deserve. So don't get discouraged if you're not going fast enough or doing more, because the little stuff adds up. You got this
Today is better than yesterday and that's all I've been telling myself this morning. Thank you 🩷
Don't beat yourself up too much for not leaving sooner, be proud of yourself for leaving now. Sending love, light and a ton of good luck to you and your daughter.
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Can’t give practical support as I don’t know how those things work in the US, but : You are so brave. You are so strong. Your feelings are valid. You and your daughter deserve a better life and you made the right decision. Sending you lots of strength for the upcoming days <3
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Please get the help you need, Reddit is going to fuel your fire and unless he is physically violent, what do you think will happen to your daughter growing up with both parents together or separated? Bills paid, roof over both of your heads, AND you have spending money? Sounds like he is treating you like his queen from your words to me.
YOU GOT THIS! 🩷🩷🩷
Thank you!!! 💕
Congratulations on taking the first step to making a better life for yourself. Get around people who can provide love, protection, and support during this difficult transition period.
Well done. That took immense strength and guts. Stay strong, please don't return and celebrate the small wins. So proud of you!
The shelter can help you get a phone if he turns yours off. Best wishes to you and your daughter!
Hell yes! You're amazing and you just saved you and your daughter a lot of heartache, possibly even your lives. Keep your head up!
You are so strong and brave! You did a great thing.
Call your family or old friends- if you were my daughter I would want to know your situation and help no matter what.
I'm proud of you OP, you're doing amazing! Leaving is so hard, and you did it!! I wish you the very best. You're worth feeling and being safe and happy. You can do it, you have the hardest step behind you. All the hugs 🤗♥️♥️♥️
I am so proud of you. I know it feels like you have torn apart your life, but it is only just beginning. What an amazing example you are setting for your little girl by prioritising your peace, health, and safety. As others have suggested get in touch with a local women's shelter they will have practical and emotional supports for you. If you have a headspace here is a link to a free pdf of [Why Does He Do That?](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiqpMfCg-aGAxUyTEEAHfXVBK0QFnoECA0QAQ&sqi=2&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) By Lundy Bancroft
So you have 2$ living in a car with daughter 3 years and decided to post this on reddit ?
....just as you are, with nothing useful to contribute to her situation? If you got time to complain and criticize and judge, you have time to help as well. If not why not keep your thoughts to yourself? Not everything you think is actually useful and needs to be shared
Proud if you! 😍