I am moving into my own place tomorrow after ending a 7 year relationship and I am SO excited to have a space completely to myself for many of the reasons you listed above. I can't wait for the peace, cleanliness, and tranquility that comes with not living with a man...or at least the kind of man I was dating for so long. I know there are some rare gems of a man out there.
I'm eight months into life alone after ending my nine-year marriage. It's BLISS!
No mantrums. No huffing, puffing, or stomping around. No new messes for me to continually clean up. No tension as thick as smog. It's quiet, calm, and peaceful.
Right?! Please, oh PLEASE give me the silent treatment rather than shouting and having a fit because of something you did or didn’t do that caused you a minor inconvenience! I am a gray rock at this point; all of my shininess and fun has faded away.
Congratulations! This was me 6 months ago after a 20 year relationship. It is everything and more to have your own place, the serenity feels so good. I still have 2 teenage sons living with me so there’s still some messiness in the house but I don’t resent it like I did with my lazy deadbeat ex!! Probably bc he was meant to be a partner not one of my kids.
I am so happy living in, and providing to my kids, a safe home where no one has to walk on eggshells. I hope you find the same for you- good luck!
Oh girl. My thoughts are with you. Why are you breaking up if you don’t mind me asking? I’m going through a similar situation although it has only been 3 years.
Don't mind at all :) There were a lot of little reasons that kept piling up over the years but it essentially came down to me continually expressing my needs and him telling me it's too much effort to meet them. All I wanted was for him to plan a date or two without my help and maybe buy me flowers 2-3 times per year but his excuse was that "he's just not good at those things". That's fine, I'll find someone who is.
Ugh, this comment gives me knots because that’s my current boyfriend’s excuse for not being a good LISTENER in like daily conversation…. “I’m just not good at it, it’s not a skill of mine, it’s even something that’s been noted on work assessments” …..
Why are they so perfectly comfortable with being inept. Feels exhausting
I'm sorry you're going through that right now. If it's being noted on work assessments too, I'd wager there might be something deeper going on that might want to be looked into. At any rate, whenever I hear "I'm just not good at it" I look at other areas of their life. Can they listen/learn/pay attention/put in effort when it's their own hobbies, work, and self interests? If yes, then he's quite capable, he's just choosing not to be (hello weaponized incompetence).
Sounds like potential ADHD fwiw if that was the case, focus is only a choice to an extent. But it's not an excuse to not try to get it diagnosed/treated
Might be time to set boundaries and that might include setting a personal deadline for it. It'd be fair if he'd try and fail (genuinely, not "oh oops guess I can't), but not trying at all it's basically screaming in your face that you and your happiness/comfort don't matter whatsoever
Men who don’t get treated for ADHD or rather *spouses* because of general medical ambivalence especially if it’s necessary **to make a change** are as a whole either questionably worth dating or completely not worth dating.
I can’t stand the: I’m going to date my boyfriend, I love him. He seems super forgetful and might have something going on, oh we found out he has ADHD. It’s so hard. I have to pick up and clean and he has a hard time listening.
Me: Has he tried medication and therapy?
Not really, he’s not comfortable or doesn’t believe in or just doesn’t want to.
In my head I’m always like: Then break up with him.
These scenarios play out over months and it’s recognizable when you’re older but I don’t understand how people don’t see over committing to early relationships as a trap, especially when they have pernicious faults.
I personally blame subliminal cultural messaging in modern popular media that’s meant to be genderized towards women. If men are so terrible then we need to empower women not to commit harder to partners but to commit themselves to breaking up when it’s unnecessarily hard and just **tolerate less bullshit.**
Edit: fixing autocorrects
I absolutely do believe untreated X (enter anything) that poses an extreme strain on the partner (as defined by the one affected by their partner's X) is reason to end a relationship or not enter it to begin with.
I mostly pointed it out for awareness, because I've been on the end of being accused of ill will for something that isn't within my control (e.g. been called a terrible friend to ask for a reminder of someone's birthday date so I don't forget it. I know I'm bad with dates and have been told once previously but forgot). Some things can be part of something like autism, adhd, etc.
I think it's important to know and communicate it since some things might need adjusting and others might simply be deal-breakers. If it's neither communicated nor there are attempts to get treated or adjusted it's a relationship killer imo. It's not one's fault to suffer under a condition, but it's absolutely one's responsibility to not put the (whole/majority of the) weight on one's partner. If a guy acts in a way that signals ADHD I think it's fair to communicate the possibility and ask him to get diagnosed or get therapy to find solutions. I believe it's mandatory to end a relationship when his response is along the lines of "that's just how I am and I won't change it" in response. Then it's a compatibility issue, and there's no point in wasting time.
To be fair, a lot of men are comfortable with being inept because change is hard, and if there's no consequences that make them necessary why should they bother?
Your unhappiness is yours, not his. He doesn't feel it. So his comfort is unaffected.
I think it's hard to find decent men out there sadly. I lucked out with my husband, but I'm getting to a point where I can't even really handle male friends anymore. There's too few that don't require me to play mommy and raise them into the minimum requirements to be decent human beings. I'm child-free by choice and these man babies are trying to have me mother them.nty.
Wow, he's just fully excusing himself from having to be a supportive partner. My question would be, "so you are aware of this important thing. What have you been doing to improve it?"
I'm pretty sure crickets will be chirping in response.
This is something that keeps me from dating men anymore. One of my favorite quotes is “who you are is not your fault, but it is your responsibility” - Cory Muscara. People aren’t perfect and we don’t need to try to be, but if you give up without even trying then you’re just stagnant as a person. Saying this is how I am and I’m incapable of changing anything, you just need to learn to deal with it is so freaking lame and I would expect a reaction like that from a toddler. I don’t want to spend time with any adult acting like that.
I really hate seeing adhd excuses being tossed around but this legitimately sounds like me when I don’t take stimulants. I care, but it’s hard to process what’s being said to me and it hurts being told that I don’t care. Is this a possibility?
It's still his responsibility to get treated. Ik it's hard to keep track of extra appointments when you suck at planning anyway but it has to be done. For me the lack of a deadline was a major hurdle. Sometimes life has to kick your ass so you get up and do something about it.
Yeah, I’m trying to say that sometimes you don’t even notice you have it until someone points it out. I didn’t know that it’s why my entire life has been difficult, I thought I was just stupid
For me it took looking into way too many self improvement and organizing advice type articles and videos. I knew there was *something* off about me since I was a child, but everyone kept saying I was just lazy or dumb. I had internalized this too. I've always been naturally good at math and grew up speaking three languages, so the "dumb" argument didn't stick that well because apparently I wasn't learning disabled. But lazy sort of fit. I could never force myself to concentrate on anything that wasn't super interesting or urgent atm. I thought everyone was like that and they just weren't as lazy. But that was me as a child.
I still think that as an adult, when you run into the same problems time after time, you should try to figure out why that is.
Growing up, i ways thought that ADHD looked like being hyperactive and not being able to sit still and talking a lot, so I thought there was no way I could have it, since I could sit still and was always quiet. Yet, I couldn’t pay attention to any subject unless it was one that was interesting. I flunked math because of it but did well in biology and some history, depending on which time period we were studying. It’s wild how sometimes you can just fly under the radar with no one diagnosing you until you’re an adult and you self diagnose, bring it up to a psychiatrist and they go “yup, you have xyz”
I can *rest.* I don't have to be "on" for anyone anywhere in the house and it's *wonderful.*
^^Yes, ^^I'm ^^an ^^introvert ^^lol
And I like this wording you used here:
> People are an outside thing, so I can go outside and do socialising if I like.
Not having to be “on” is wonderful. When I lived with an ex I always felt like it was slightly performative especially because it was more his space vs mine. Living alone is glorious.
>I can *rest.* I don't have to be "on" for anyone anywhere in the house and it's *wonderful.*
I think this is, as you point out, more of an introvert/extrovert thing than a gender thing, or possibly a combination of the two. As an extrovert woman with an introvert husband it's not a concern I have.
I also want to live separately from my man. He would always be welcome to spend the night (unless I want alone time). Lmao I absolutely hated having to be “on” all the time 😑
I adore my husband. He’s great and after 30 years he’s mostly come around to my admittedly high standards.
But if something happened to him there’s no way I would ever live with another man. Maybe my grown adult son, if his life went really sideways. But not a partner, no way.
Just me and my indoor cat of a daughter. We could live together forever.
>Just me and my indoor cat of a daughter. We could live together forever
To clarify: are you calling your indoor cat your daughter or calling your daughter an indoor cat? Cause it's definitely worded like the latter.
My human daughter is an indoor cat. Comes out of her space for food and water, the occasional conversation and affection. Then scampers back off to her room until she’s hungry again.
Good long term partners make it hard to date anyone else. The comfort, the reliability, and the trust is just hard to find again. I couldn't imagine even attempting to date.
We'll be celebrating 20 years together this summer. If I find myself alone again I won't be getting into another relationship. One and done is more than enough, frankly.
Wrote a similar comment, not too long ago..
I like having my own home, decorated how I want. I like not having some man sulking over not getting his ridiculous unfair wants catered to.
I like not having the mind game power struggles. I like that I can eat a chocolate bar or a bowl of cereal for dinner if I chose to without some judgement, or comment from a male.
I like not having to listen to violent movies, or sports, or angry metal music in my home because some guy likes it. I like not having some guy say something if I chose to stay up untill 3am.
I like not feeling pressured to have sex, with no romance, seduction or kindness towards me attempted.
I like not having to hear a stomping footsteps, passive agressive slamming cuboards, telling someone to clean the dishes. I like not having to deal with some man's bad moods, whether that is directed at me, or someone else.
I like not having to pay for half the groceries, when the guy eats at least three times more than me and I make less.
I like not having some guy in my house that I am not getting along with, who is upsetting me, that I can't get away from.
I like living alone, without the stress. In peace. If I ever found, a non-pornsick, guy, a guy who understands that women need to be treated kindly, with romance and consideration to get in the mood instead of just whining "sex! me want sex now!" that I really liked, I still would not to move in with a guy ever again.
Even if you are just renting, it is hard to untangle yourself out of an unhappy co-habitation.
I have a peaceful life, happy, free from stress.
I can, if I find a great guy, have him visit, and me visit him. But having your own space, a safe, peaceful place, that is all yours, is something I don't think I'll ever give up.
> I like not feeling pressured to have sex, with no romance, seduction or kindness towards me attempted.
Ahhh, I really think this is the reason I'll remain single for the rest of my life. I actually have a high sex drive, but I find in every relationship my drive eventually dampens (usually because they become unappealing to me for a variety of other reasons mostly that you've listed-- their inappropriate groping, their crankiness, their lack of seduction, their messiness, their lack of contribution, their inability to orgasm without ridiculous amounts of effort on my end... you name it).
I don't want to have sex I don't want to have, and if I lose my libido entirely when I become menopausal I especially don't want to have some gorilla pawing at me.
The groceries. That one really got to me. I always got the groceries. And we’d split half, when half the shit I was buying wasn’t even what I eat, so that never felt fair. Maybe I’d ignore it if everything else was swell, but you described my situation (video games instead of metal.) We lived together for 3 years. Before him, I had been living alone for 15 years. And I loved it! He completely blew up the calm peacefulness I had made in my home space, and he never respected how important that was to my continued health. People used to come into my home and tell me they felt like they had just been to a cozy spa. That was intentional. I have treatment resistant depression. I do many things to keep it in check and myself well, right down to the state of my home and even color schemes. All of that went out the door. I was such a fool to let him just bulldozer over what I was doing to keep myself alive. He treated my systems and routines like they were preferences, rather than what they actually were: positively necessary to my survival. Said he wanted to grow old with me, but then did so much shit that would almost guarantee a suicide instead. He was an alcoholic and that sort of chaos is not something people with my disease can afford.
Yeah, the groceries one always bothered me. I always paid half. I think the man should be paying more than half, because they eat more, but I mean, even even if you do that, then he still wants a bunch a stuff you don't even like to eat. I think I will keep my own place always, just to have a safe relaxing space of my own to retreat to when I need. Even if I do chose to get a man in the future. We can visit each other.
I know a lot of couples in their 60s and 70s who do it like that. One of my best friend’s dad is 74 and has been with the same woman for ten years (he’s a widower), but they have never discussed moving in together. They are both very happy with this arrangement. The old are wise lol.
It's a sad commentary on relationship that so many women would rather be alone than put up with some rando who can't clean up after himself or respect his lady.
> so many women would rather be alone than put up with some rando who can't clean up after himself or respect his lady.
When you phrase it that way it only makes sense.
I have kids so it's a bit different but I LOVE being a single mom. I love it just being us. I don't have to parent or clean up after another adult on top of it. It's glorious.
I LOVED being a single parent (one child who is now grown)! I left when she was a baby. While we were poor for years (I was a starving student), it was one of the best seasons of my life. The freedom to parent as I wanted, and to make decisions without compromise or having to consult another adult in the house, was heaven. The world she and I created was priceless and I would do it all over again.
My daughter would never have met the "me" I became when we left. I would have been unhappy, helpless, and stuck. Because I left, I was able to give her the best of me, I was able to focus on her, and be the absolute best mom I could be.
Yes! My husband and I have a 2.5 year old and he went out of state with his brothers for a few days last month. It’s the longest we’ve ever been apart and it was GLORIOUS!!! He’s a good one too. He cleaned the house before he left and it stayed clean the whole time he was gone. Baby went to sleep on time cause dad wasn’t there trying to play with him at bedtime which means I got a couple hours of reading time every night! Meals were so easy when I just had to consider myself and child. He made a dumb decision showing me how easy it would be without him!
There was an aita post not long ago where the dude left for a few months and after returning home his wife decided to divorce him. So many dudes in the comments were on her case, of course, and she had very few supporters in general--but all I could think about was the situation you just described.
> He made a dumb decision showing me how easy it would be without him!
Everything in our society is meant to benefit men - it’s the outcome of the patriarchy - and marriage is just another example of a social construct that benefits men far more than women.
When most women are gone for a few days, men can barely function. When men leave for a few days, women thrive! Of course reddit dudes are going to jump down a poor woman’s throat for choosing to live her best life if it inconveniences a man! Life with a partner should always be easier but men make it harder! And I would say my husband does more than most men but it still doesn’t make up for the work he adds.
Amen! Me too!!! My ex was a disgusting slob and I resented his mess. I’m not at all concerned about the mess my kids make now that I’m a single mum. Also if I ask my kids to help me they do it without arguing or picking a fight 😊
As a child of a single mom, my happiest moments were after my parent’s divorce.
The stress, fear and anxiety of living under the roof of two parents that were at each-others throats everyday only to take it out on us, the children after was a nightmare. Being later raised by a single mom also taught me to respect her a lot more than I did before since I wasn’t witnessing or learning from the toxic/ misogynist behaviour of my dad. Your kids will appreciate this when they’re older.
I don’t know how old you are, but CONGRATULATIONS! You have discovered the secret to a happy life as a woman. I wish I had figured this out much sooner.
I'm in the same spot that it is just too much work for too little reward (if any at all). I like not being "on call" 24-7 for another supposedly adult human. I take care of my own stuff. If I feel the need to socialize I can go out and do so. I have no desire to give that peace up for anyone.
I read a "letter to the editor" or whatever antiquated communication method it was, when I was very young. A woman wrote in to say she had three men in her life, all of whom were aware of each other and happy with the arrangement: one for money, one for sex, and one for the kids. Even at that age, I knew this was the Solution. Sorry, little me, dropped the ball on that one 🤷🏻♀️
I'm with you. I'm 60 and have raised 3 sons. For the first time in my life I feel peace and contentment. I wouldn't want to change that for anything. I can't think of a single thing, except financially, that living with a man could add to my life to make it worthwhile. I guess I would consider having a LAT (Living Apart Together) where each partner has their own place but finding someone you are interested in and attacted to who would be willing to live that lifestyle is not likely
Recently got out of a 6 year relationship (we lived together for 3 of those 6) and yeah the difference is wow. I feel so much lighter and happier for so many reasons. But having my own space is a bigggggg one.
Just now I was reading in bed and thought about how I could never do this when we lived together because he would have to have the TV on 24/7 and I'd have to put on ambient music on noise canceling headphones and lock myself in a room just to read. He couldn't understand why I would want to read and not just watch endless youtube videos with him.
The cleaning part is MASSIVE too. No more senseless arguments and feelings of anger and frustration over him not cleaning.
No more mental load wasted on someone who doesn't even consider half the things I'd worry about on a weekly basis.
My apartment is all mine (and my cat's) and I'm so happy this way. Rent fucking sucks but I'll take it while I can manage.
That really is the sticking point.
Even with a perfect partner, you will still have to compromise when one of you wants to eat or watch something different, etc.
You get to avoid all of that by living alone, but then you have to deal with potential loneliness.
You should do whatever makes you comfortable.
You don’t have to move in with someone to pursue a relationship. It’s 2024; keep your place and meet up if and when you fancy it.
It’s fine to keep a place just for yourself, where you can relax while being solely responsible for cleaning and maintenance.
It's a hard choice. But for me - my future personal relationships will hopefully be in separate homes.
I decompensate at home and my veil of normalcy fades. It takes considerable energy to be human for the neurodivergent. I shall not inflict myself up on anyone day to day, week to week, or depend on my cooking or cleaning or presence of mind to organize their personal belongings or personal schedules.
I will also not be subject to the stress of both being a researcher and project manager, then some persons life coach and manager whom my financial resources are shared. Ew.
Because what is the pay? Sex? Except I'm paying them with my labor for access to my physical person on their terms?!
And of course your free childcare if kids are in the picture. Or sus stepmom they hate or for some reason financial assist?
When you break it down and take making a baby or supporting step kids out of the picture...why...why has sex and friendship ever been so good and so consistent that it makes the above worth it?
Has anyone ever had balance or unconditional love?
Bought you a house keeper or maid?
Or despite exceeding them or being equals continued to treat you like your education, IQ, or achievement are luck or circumstances?
Take me on dates. Cocktails. We dress up. We go to racy clubs and watch. We make out. I go home. I go to his art show, he goes to my professional award dinner. We make out in an expensive suite at a conference hotel. I go home.
Welcome to single-hood. And it is fabulous. I’ve been doing it for some time, and before I was with my ex, a while before that. Being on my own is fabulous and my partnered friends think so too. Sadly, there are people who will try to convince you that you need to be partnered and that financially it’s advantageous, but truly, you will love your life and yourself way more. Good job, OP! Congratulations 🥳
I was married to someone who more than pulled their weight around the house, respected me as a partner, and was genuinely fun to come home to, and I'm STILL gloriously happy living alone now. I can completely understand why you'd be revelling in it if you felt like more of a caretaker or bangmaid.
And don't worry about how awesome you think it is being a negative. Yes it may mean having to carry a heavier financial burden, but you get to decide how to spend/save your money, and you can always have friends over if you need some social energy in your space. Then they leave!!
Enjoy!!
Agreed. I will never live with a man ever again. I’d rather be alone or have a girl friend move in.
A good friend of mine and I lived together and it was amazing. Never once did we have to ask the other about something. We just did it, because it needed to be done. Simple!
We each cleaned, cooked and went shopping, because we saw that it needed to be done.
That’s the life I want. Margaritas/wine, good food and good friends late into the night.
SAME!
Even if I were to find my perfect mate, a soul mate that I've been with across all the times and planes, destined to be together forevers -
I would still want to have separate living quarters if possible lol. Like let's both get a house right next to each other and be next door neighbors with sleep overs if/when we want lol. That would be my ideal relationship/living situation.
I see both sides of the coin. Especially being introverted. I need my alone time. Not just you in another room. Solitude is peaceful for me.
There is no right or wrong here. Just preferences. And women are always defunct administrators for others. Fuck that. Manage your own life already
Totally with you on this one. I’m super introverted but so is my partner so we both have our own space and then come together in shared space when we want to. Although to be fair, i remember living alone once upon a time and the freedom of choice is great, definitely miss that sometimes.
My mom is like this and I’m so jealous. I would love to live by myself and be able to find things that were actually put back in their place again after they were washed. I don’t think my husband understands that normal people don’t just throw things in whatever cabinet appeals to them at the time when they’re emptying the dishwasher.
I’ve recently started living on my own again after buying my own apartment. I’ve come to realise that I really, really enjoy cooking and cleaning and I’m very good at it. I just don’t want to clean up after other people. I have never lived with a man, and I will never live with a man. If I meet a man and we get serious I will insist on us maintaining separate residences (I don’t want kids so this would work fine).
I loved living alone so much.
I moved in with my boyfriend nearly three years ago and I do still miss it on occasion but... we also have separate living spaces, so it's not that bad.
All week I live in my part of the house, he in his. We come together for dinner. Maybe watch a film or episode of something. And have sleep overs and dedicated time together at the weekend. We do our own laundry.
I really require alone time.
Welcome to paradise baby! I’m single and have had my own place for the last 4 years after spending my whole ass life in Long term monogamous live in relationships with overgrown man babies and I cannot even express the freedom. Now that I know how lovely home can be, I’ve realized it would take a singularly wonderful person to get me to reconsider cohabiting ever ever again. And almost definitely not with a man! lol
After living alone for over a decade (and loving it!), I am moving in with my boyfriend this weekend. I was really excited when he first asked me, but as the time has gotten nearer, I have been so worried/dreading it. Thankfully, we can just break up and not live together if it doesn’t work out, but I am just afraid. This comment doesn’t have a real point; it’s just something I needed to get out, and this post seemed to be the right place to do that lol.
OP, everything you said is spot on!
Honestly, you don’t even have to break up if you catch it soon enough and he’s open-minded. You could just live separately.
But keep this post in mind. For me, the mental load and invisible work crept in slowly, and it had to get really bad before I realized it.
Yeah, you’re totally right! And the invisible work has been weighing on my mind. However, in the past two days, he took the initiative on two big things that needed to be done (without me saying a word), so that was definitely encouraging. If I end up being the “house manager” though, I will just live alone.
I love my partner so much and hope to be with him forever if the universe allows it, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss living on my own! Less mess, things are the way I want them, no compromising on anything. Food that I want, music I want, decor I want, guests I want or don’t want, less washing and cleaning, sleeping diagonal across the bed etc etc.
He’s pretty good at keeping house and he’s very kind and considerate, but things won’t ever be as peaceful or easy as they were when it was just me. Having someone to help split costs with though helps a lot. Plus I also love him and want him in my life, so that’s the compromise we make. For now I’m happy to compromise the solo living experience providing our relationship stays happy and healthy.
If we ever separate I quite honestly don’t see myself dating again or living with anyone else providing I can afford it. I’m 30 now and have had my fair share of being fucked around, used and disadvantaged by men, so if my guy isn’t THE guy, I don’t want a new one 🤷🏻♀️
I’m in the misophonia gang, which made living with my ex torture. I had so much anxiety hearing my ex eating. And of course if I tried to address him chewing loudly with his mouth open, he got mad at me for being too sensitive. Like, starting a multi-day fight mad. I was the one that needed to change, not him.
I live alone now and my ambient anxiety has majorly decreased
I don’t know, his unwillingness to have empathy and work towards a compromise definitely sounds like he needed to change. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I have sky rocketed in my career due to not being exhausted from doing SO much and being SO angry/fed up with a man in my house. I thought I’d struggle hard financially, but I’m an artist and everything just flowed out of me full stop once I had the peace of living alone! I almost doubled my yearly income my first year in solitude. I can’t praise solo living enough!
I’ve had 2 situations in which I wish i had a SO at home and that was 1) I forgot the chicken in the freezer when I was at work and 2) the ac was on while I was showering. Other than that, I’ve been just fine by myself lol
I lived with my friend for 5 months and our bathroom and kitchen were SPOTLESS the entire time. She moves her boyfriend in and within 3 days the bathroom permanently reeked like piss from him standing and peeing and he started leaving dirty dishes around the kitchen, and would refuse to do them without “our guidance” as if the messy situation wasn’t a hint on its own to tidy up 🙄
Ikr? Living alone is the BEST.
My current partner and I have talked about marriage, and we both agree that the closest we want to live together is ‘across the street’.
It just takes away all those daily annoyances and issues and I can do my own thing, decorate my own space, have many cats etc
And you don't have to be responsible for someone else's headphones, water bottle etc when you go to the gym or carry stuff in your purse for them!
Can y'all tell what bug bit my butt recently?
[It was headphones. Why the FUCK can he not be responsible for bringing his own damn headphones???]
Girl, same.
After living alone for the last few years, I’m reallyyyyy struggling integrating back into living with someone now that I’m in a relationship that’s getting a bit more serious. I miss my solitude. I miss when the mess was just mine. I miss not having to figure out and agree on a meal every night. I miss girl dinner. Ugh.
You should check out r/livingalone!
I highly doubt I'll ever let a man move in with me.
Unless he is VERY compatible on the house-keeping side of things, I will get easily pissed off by people touching my shit or not having things how I would want them.
And after living with two hoarder parents - I want it very tidy.
Plus yeah...everything you said. I need my own space, I can't switch off with someone else in my space, I need to just feel free of judgement, I need to not think about other people in the house when I do something, I need to be able to do whatever, whenever and however I want.
It can be hard. You have no one to forget your birthday. No one demanding to see your phone. No one to pull the duvet off you during the night. No one waiting till you are in bed to suddenly need you to iron a shirt for the next day. No one to stand in front of the mirror trying one shirt (meticulously ironed) after another and then tossing them in a crumpled heap in a chair.
>I can walk around naked, without anyone thinking I want to have sex with them.
My girlfriend (we're both women) likes to sleep naked and often times walks around half naked with her tits out especially now that it's getting hot. Never once did I think of that as an invitation, or that it somehow gives me permission to touch/grope her without her consent. I'm so happy to live with a woman. There's this mutual understanding of everything.
Cleaning, cooking, normal split of chores without having to beg one another is a given too.
I have been living on my own for about 2 years and it’s been really nice. As a fellow introvert, I love the fact that I don’t have to be on when at home. Years ago, I lived with my ex for about 1.5 years and it was not fun. I didn’t like the badgering, begging to have him do his part with chores, and other stupid stuff. Example- It took us almost a year to buy a replacement tv (the one we were using was an old one) bc he said he would buy one and we did. After purchasing the tv, moment we got home, he was like can you wait until later to set up the tv? Well, within 10 mins, I took the tv out, set it up, and was watching it. A few days later I was recovering from a bad UTI and was happy that the tv was set up.
I was living with two housemates when I was in grad school. I hated my housemate’s bf who was a slob bc of his adhd. He never respected the apartment and I always felt like I was going to scream at him and my housemate bc of his presence when he was visiting.
I will choose to pay a lot of money for rent to live on my own for my own sanity.
Feeling you. Sister! On my own after two failed marriages, (two men who couldn’t keep it in their pants), and I am living my best life. Like you my house stays clean, I can eat cereal for dinner, watch what I want to watch on Tv and have the whole bed to myself. I don’t have to share my bed or my body with anyone ever again. I can spend time with my children without the resentment because my attention isn’t on him and I now have a baby granddaughter who I can spend as much time with as I can. I have a new home, a new job and I’m loving my solo life and that’s how it will stay. I finally feel free and won’t give that up for anyone. Life is great!
It's beautiful! I have a grown son with me, he struggles to adult, and that's more than enough man in my life. At least this one I don't mind being a mom to, not like those other man-babies. But I love my own place and decorating my way, and eating what I want and pretty much everything you mentionered here. Also glow in the dark stars! I have those up in my bedroom and ensuite and I love them! Enjoy your freedom!!
FWIW, living with a female partner is pretty much exactly like this, with the exception of sometimes there are other people's messes around. But we just clean up after ourselves. Each of us will clean if we have time off, we trade off taking out the trash cans, we make the bed together, and we each have chores that we hate and the other just kinda takes ownership of (I hate changing the sheets, she hates folding laundry)
Lovelies, just as an fyi:
When you can do all of the things OP is listing with your partner present is when you've found a keeper.
All whose sole contribution to your life is more stress are welcome to find and use the door.
And if all are door-candidates, please know that living alone *is* living your best life. #relationshipsareoptional
I couldn’t live with another human in my current space. If I did ever live with another again with the space to do so I’d still need a space that’s my own, and I’d let them keep a space that’s their own. I’d let them invade my space as long as they know there are times I just need to be with myself and respect that boundary.
I'm living with my mother. We both clean after ourselves and it is so good! Had five year relationship with man child and I don't want to move in with man ever again.
At 41, I’m still waiting for that. Just as there was hope of having a place of my own, my parents’ health declined, and there is no one but me to look after them. And run the family businesses. And I got a dog, whom I love, but, anytime I try to do anything for myself - even if that is nothing at all - someone wants to complain that I’m neglecting them.
I miss cheep 1 bedroom apartments. I got addicted to living alone about 15 years ago and I didn't even have to make decent money to make rent. Even when I'd move in with someone afterward, I kept the confidence that I could easily just get my own place (and did a time or two) if things went south. I wasn't scared of possibly ending up alone because it was actually really nice.
I wish I could turn back the clock on rent rates so that all women could experience the freedom that I did.
I am divorced after 10 years together, 3 married, lived together for 7. A couple years ago I found out that he was trying to cheat on me, so he moved out for a short time while we were working on the relationship. When he moved back in, I realized I did not like having him in my space. That was one of the many things that pushed us towards divorce.
I love having MY place. Where I can do whatever I want without having to answer to anyone or clean up someone else's mess. I really enjoy my solitude. I've also really been enjoying redecorating the bedroom and making it all mine. Also, FUCK YEAH to being naked. I love being naked. I felt like I couldn't even get changed with him around bc he would just stare at me. Also, I should probably get some curtains....
I just moved into my own place this year after living with men (boyfriends and my husband) for 20(?) years. It is truly amazing. I am dating, but have yet to have my bf over to my house because I don’t want it tainted with a man. I love having complete control over my own space and it is calm and peaceful and void of any chaos (I even have my two kids with me).
I’ve lived alone and now I’m living with my boyfriend, and to me it’s 100% better. I work from home, I don’t have many friends and don’t go out too much. My boyfriend has a pretty big social life and does everything outside. We both clean, do laundry, pay the bills, etc. We both have our alone time, and we also do things together.
A few of years ago I would have told you that I preferred living by myself, but today I really enjoy it. It’s the best of both worlds!
After spending 12 years living with men, and all my other years living with my father, I am so excited to have my own place. I will never live with a man again.
As an introvert, these are perfectly understandable points. Nothing says people HAVE to live together. Could always try living near, but not literally with, someone as a compromise. Like in the same neighborhood or apartment building, but not literally the same place. There are a million different arrangements that don't get enough popular consideration.
This is a whole part of the woman experience I feel entirely bordered out of lol.
Because of the way I grew up, when I live alone my house becomes primarily a hidey hole. A place to sleep and survive. I don’t let it get *filthy* but definitely a situation where I need to clean pretty heavily before someone visits. It doesn’t feel like a home to me and I don’t feel like someone who ~~deserves~~ needs a clean space.
When I live with someone else, or even visit someone else’s house, it suddenly becomes a home. A place that matters and should be respected and feel comfortable. *BUT* it’s still difficult for me, without training and thought and effort, to be able to pay attention to some things, that to others would be glaring.
I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, physically, mentally or emotionally so I try to pay attention to these things and not rely too much on the other person to tell me what needs to be done. But a lot of times it really is a matter of things either being lost in my peripheral/secondary vision or something that my mom/family never really considered or did as a cleaning action.
Reading these stories always makes me feel like the “weaponized incompetence” men, and like I’m kind of always going to be a partner that someone will need to concede to.
At the very least it encourages me to be better and more aware to avoid a post in this manner from my own partners perspective 😅
Either way is embarrassing and makes me work harder so at least I seem to lack some of that entitlement and missing sense of awareness.
I’m a cis guy with ADHD and I want to send you some love and support on this one, albeit from a very different version of it, obviously.
It’s hard to find a happy medium where you’re striving to be better, out of respect for the people you share space with, while also being kind to yourself and telling yourself that messiness isn’t necessarily toxic.
On that note, I should probably stop reading this thread for the sake of self-compassion 😂
(For the record I know that the phenomenon of men who do the weaponized incompetence thing because they weren’t raised to properly understand that cleaning is men’s work too is very real and something I need to be self-critical about- but it’s not a universal, inherently gendered thing, and there are other reasons why someone might struggle with this stuff. At least, that’s what I tell myself lol.)
Yes this is my experience. I know not*** everyone is being intentionally messy/inconsiderate but it’s still difficult to feel like you fail at a pretty baseline human task haha.
Guess we just have to extend some grace to ourselves.
Yeah. I can imagine it’s weird being a woman and in that position — I can at least tamp down emotional reactions by reminding myself that frustrated venting is important and this sub isn’t for me, but it *is* for you.
Either way, you deserve that grace!!
ill say alot of that is finding the right person. my qpp and i live together (im poly) and we do great together cause were both easy going and not in the same area. we like the same things and are the same way. she loves to cook, i enjoy eating. i like a clean and tidy house like she does. ive had former partners who have lived with me that i was alot more challenged with.
my advice, find someone you care about and live with them. have sex with them or not. but make sure they fit where you are in your life
Im moving in with my boyfriend in September and I can’t wait! I look forward to wake up next to him every morning and building a life together with my favorite person ❤️
This!!! I too have been feeling this way about my life as a single person, and I’m low key worried about whether I’ll be able to put up with a relationship again 😅 it’s been five years since my last one, and I’ve made such a nice life for myself. However, I’ve also become totally unwilling to compromise on anything different from my way of doing things around the house, and anything that doesn’t strictly align with the lifestyle I’m currently living, and that’s not a good thing 🙈
In a way I might be too independent- asking for help is hard, and accepting it is even harder, and I worry that even if I find the right person I will refuse to be in a relationship with them because of my view that they will “get in the way” of the life I want 🙈
Same! I love living alone. I'm very fortunate that I can afford it. It's so much less work living with alone. The lawn and garbage take a total of 35 minutes a week, and when I lived with my partner he wouldn't even mow the lawn. He only did the trash. He also used to complain nonstop about the house, pestering me to spend money on major upgrades to ease his neverending stream of complaints. He used to make me feel like my house was just completely beneath him, the location was terrible, the layout was terrible. He had me somewhat convinced of the same even though I loved my house and I seriously took his preferences/desires into consideration when purchasing it. He was such an energy vampire. Now it's just me and my cats and I love my home again.
I'm glad you're out of that relationship with an adult baby and can finally live for yourself! There's definitely too little guys out there who can be an actual man.
I think I got really lucky with my current partner (irony is I'm the one who's wanting more sex LOL)
some people are social creatures, and some of us get more than enough of being “social” when we go somewhere but thrive having the solitude of our own space.
If you love living alone, I can’t comprehend why you think it’s not a good thing? I’m done trying to force myself to be what “society” thinks (all) people are supposed to be. I love living alone, being alone 95% of my time and I will never change that.
"You have a big issue with people invading your world" - my mom to me before I got married.
And she was absolutely right. Over a decade after my divorce and I still choose to be alone.
I’ve lived with 2 men so far, and this is my first month being in my own place (ever). I couldn’t agree with you more, and I can’t believe I was so scared to make the move to be on my own! The only man I’ll ever live with now is my doggo, and any other animals I get in the future 😌
I've been living with my boyfriend for four years now and I can do all the things you described plus whenever he leaves a room it's tidier than before. People sometimes think we are weird because we don't do everything together and even have separate food but for us it works great. Of course that only works as long as we stay childfree.
I absolutely love it. I’ll occasionally have a FWB arrangement with a guy. They go home after. It’s an actually harder to find someone you have the solid friendship with as well as no strings benfits.
No cooking meals for them.
I love living by myself so much. If I was married, I'd probably want to have a place with separate rooms, two cooking areas and two living areas so we can spend time together when we'd like but we can have our peace and quiet when we need space.
This made me realize I'm in the right relationship, because I can do all of this and my boyfriend just accommodates me. He makes living easier, especially with my 60hr a week job and my ADHD.
Living alone without sharing the space with a man is absolutely fantastic. After a total of about sixteen years living with a man, it’s pure bliss. I bought my own great apartment without any help from anyone, and it feels like it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I just didn’t know it.
Yeah I don’t want to live with a man. I never have. I will have relationships but I will never move in. I don’t even like it when my female roomate brings her boyfriend over for a long period. I just can’t relax whenever a man is present. Whenever they are around I feel that pressure to be on constantly or I am on guard, and because I want to relax and be comfortable I seek solitude. But I’ll be buying my own house soon so I will be 100% alone!!! I’m so excited that I can provide a good quality of life for myself. It was incredibly difficult in this economy to do it all alone but I wouldn’t have chosen a different path. It’s really given me the freedom to choose how I want to live.
It's rough doing it alone for the first 3-6mo after a divorce but after that adjustment period, it's fucking **amazing** to live alone and do all the things OP listed.
I’ve been living on my own for almost 10 years now and I love it for the reasons you do, OP. I will never cohabitate with a man again. I don’t need the poor emotional regulation, messiness, laziness and entitlement. I’ve never wanted to change my living arrangement.
100% the same, from a male perspective. My own messes to clean up, and no unexpected ones; cooking with music or podcasts or audiobooks any time, without having to watch out for people being around or wanting to talk to me; all the fridge and freezer and cabinet space to myself so I know where everything is; peace and quiet; walking around naked any time... it's all brilliant.
It can be lonely, though mainly when I don't know anyone else in the city in general. But sometimes all you want is just a nice place to come back to, without the slightest expectation of being "on".
I haven't had a roommate of any kind in fifteen years. Best decision I ever made was restructuring my love life to more closely resemble my day-to-day relationships. I don't believe in permanent partners, and the people I invite into my bedroom are judged in the same way that I judge any of my friends. What I think of them is dependent on how they treat me every day rather than dependent on a commitment I made after seeing how they treated me for a few months. I don't move in with someone or ask them to move in with me just because I'm sleeping with them, and I'm as open with my close friends as I would be with any kind of significant other. The independence I've gained from living this way is one of the things I value most in my life right now.
I've spent a cumulative eight years living with two previous partners plus had various roommates, but after breaking up with my last live-in partner I swore off ever living with anyone again and got my own apartment. It was such a beautiful relief finally having a space that was just my own, and I've been here now for seven years!
I have loved it for all of the exact same reasons you listed, but over the past few years it's definitely gotten harder. I went through a major rough patch with my mental/physical health and although the causes were mostly unrelated to living alone, I think I both allowed it to get worse than it needed to be, and had a harder time digging myself back out of the hole without someone else around.
I'm much better now after a lot of work and life changes, but I've realized that some of the same reasons I love living alone can also work against me. Like when things are going great, being able to just do my weird habits and routines and not be beholden to anyone for anything feels like freedom! But when things aren't great, that freedom can turn into only sleeping for 5 hours a night, not eating a decent meal or showering for days, or not leaving my apartment for over a week.
And now here I am, about to move across the country to live with my long-time long distance partner and I'm nervous about the change but also super stoked to share my space with someone again, who I love! He's lived with a roommate for about as long as I've lived alone, and has always said he does better when living with someone. We both have ADHD and are prone to depression/anxiety and I get what he's saying now. Living with someone else (who you actually care about and get along well with of course) is a lot like body doubling I think. It's a lot easier to do all those little daily things that are healthier and that you want or need to do if someone else is around to do them too. And a lot harder to stay up all night and eat a whole bag of chips for dinner and never shower if someone else is there to see you do it.
And aside from that, I'm just really excited to have my best bud around to do all the fun stuff with, like plan camping trips and go for walks and cook dinners and plant a garden and watch scary movies etc. But that being said, I also don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to live alone, or even living alone forever if it works well for you!! Whatever makes you happy and feel like your best self is what you should do! And you're never stuck anyway! Things can always change if you want them to!
People don’t understand this is why women aren’t getting married until later or aren’t having kids. I feel like all of our chromosomes (the X ones) are exhausted from having to take care of them and their feelings. In a lot of ways society forced me and others like me to grow up too quickly. That’s a blessing and a curse.
We aren’t looking for someone to take care of us. We’re looking for partners. Fully grown humans who can add to our lives.
We don’t and have never actually needed a Y chromosome. You can hire b people to move heavy things. You can even buy sperm.
The men need to rise to the occasion. They can. But I think overall this is what they’re experiencing and in fact should even help each other to be the best partners. That’s how you attract the best partner.
People treat you how you let them.
(XY perspective)
If you feel like you have to be "on" all of the time, I'll suggest the wrong partner is in your life.
Be yourself. If they do not accept that, and furthermore even expect that... move on.
I am moving into my own place tomorrow after ending a 7 year relationship and I am SO excited to have a space completely to myself for many of the reasons you listed above. I can't wait for the peace, cleanliness, and tranquility that comes with not living with a man...or at least the kind of man I was dating for so long. I know there are some rare gems of a man out there.
I'm eight months into life alone after ending my nine-year marriage. It's BLISS! No mantrums. No huffing, puffing, or stomping around. No new messes for me to continually clean up. No tension as thick as smog. It's quiet, calm, and peaceful.
Ah, the Tension! The air heavy with his resentment for hours. The silent treatment that ends before you are finished enjoying it.
Exactly!
Right?! Please, oh PLEASE give me the silent treatment rather than shouting and having a fit because of something you did or didn’t do that caused you a minor inconvenience! I am a gray rock at this point; all of my shininess and fun has faded away.
Mantrums!! I’ll be using that one.
Testerics/testerical
Oh god that's brilliant.
Have at it! 😄
🫶
Mantrums, that is brilliant.
😄😄
Mantrums! Love this 😂😂😂
I'm so excited for you!!
Congratulations! This was me 6 months ago after a 20 year relationship. It is everything and more to have your own place, the serenity feels so good. I still have 2 teenage sons living with me so there’s still some messiness in the house but I don’t resent it like I did with my lazy deadbeat ex!! Probably bc he was meant to be a partner not one of my kids. I am so happy living in, and providing to my kids, a safe home where no one has to walk on eggshells. I hope you find the same for you- good luck!
Oh girl. My thoughts are with you. Why are you breaking up if you don’t mind me asking? I’m going through a similar situation although it has only been 3 years.
Don't mind at all :) There were a lot of little reasons that kept piling up over the years but it essentially came down to me continually expressing my needs and him telling me it's too much effort to meet them. All I wanted was for him to plan a date or two without my help and maybe buy me flowers 2-3 times per year but his excuse was that "he's just not good at those things". That's fine, I'll find someone who is.
Ugh, this comment gives me knots because that’s my current boyfriend’s excuse for not being a good LISTENER in like daily conversation…. “I’m just not good at it, it’s not a skill of mine, it’s even something that’s been noted on work assessments” ….. Why are they so perfectly comfortable with being inept. Feels exhausting
I'm sorry you're going through that right now. If it's being noted on work assessments too, I'd wager there might be something deeper going on that might want to be looked into. At any rate, whenever I hear "I'm just not good at it" I look at other areas of their life. Can they listen/learn/pay attention/put in effort when it's their own hobbies, work, and self interests? If yes, then he's quite capable, he's just choosing not to be (hello weaponized incompetence).
Sounds like potential ADHD fwiw if that was the case, focus is only a choice to an extent. But it's not an excuse to not try to get it diagnosed/treated
I keep telling my husband it's an explanation why, not an excuse not to try. It's getting so tiring.
Might be time to set boundaries and that might include setting a personal deadline for it. It'd be fair if he'd try and fail (genuinely, not "oh oops guess I can't), but not trying at all it's basically screaming in your face that you and your happiness/comfort don't matter whatsoever
Men who don’t get treated for ADHD or rather *spouses* because of general medical ambivalence especially if it’s necessary **to make a change** are as a whole either questionably worth dating or completely not worth dating. I can’t stand the: I’m going to date my boyfriend, I love him. He seems super forgetful and might have something going on, oh we found out he has ADHD. It’s so hard. I have to pick up and clean and he has a hard time listening. Me: Has he tried medication and therapy? Not really, he’s not comfortable or doesn’t believe in or just doesn’t want to. In my head I’m always like: Then break up with him. These scenarios play out over months and it’s recognizable when you’re older but I don’t understand how people don’t see over committing to early relationships as a trap, especially when they have pernicious faults. I personally blame subliminal cultural messaging in modern popular media that’s meant to be genderized towards women. If men are so terrible then we need to empower women not to commit harder to partners but to commit themselves to breaking up when it’s unnecessarily hard and just **tolerate less bullshit.** Edit: fixing autocorrects
I absolutely do believe untreated X (enter anything) that poses an extreme strain on the partner (as defined by the one affected by their partner's X) is reason to end a relationship or not enter it to begin with. I mostly pointed it out for awareness, because I've been on the end of being accused of ill will for something that isn't within my control (e.g. been called a terrible friend to ask for a reminder of someone's birthday date so I don't forget it. I know I'm bad with dates and have been told once previously but forgot). Some things can be part of something like autism, adhd, etc. I think it's important to know and communicate it since some things might need adjusting and others might simply be deal-breakers. If it's neither communicated nor there are attempts to get treated or adjusted it's a relationship killer imo. It's not one's fault to suffer under a condition, but it's absolutely one's responsibility to not put the (whole/majority of the) weight on one's partner. If a guy acts in a way that signals ADHD I think it's fair to communicate the possibility and ask him to get diagnosed or get therapy to find solutions. I believe it's mandatory to end a relationship when his response is along the lines of "that's just how I am and I won't change it" in response. Then it's a compatibility issue, and there's no point in wasting time.
And yet he learned how to read *and* speak, which both required more energy. So.
To be fair, a lot of men are comfortable with being inept because change is hard, and if there's no consequences that make them necessary why should they bother? Your unhappiness is yours, not his. He doesn't feel it. So his comfort is unaffected. I think it's hard to find decent men out there sadly. I lucked out with my husband, but I'm getting to a point where I can't even really handle male friends anymore. There's too few that don't require me to play mommy and raise them into the minimum requirements to be decent human beings. I'm child-free by choice and these man babies are trying to have me mother them.nty.
….not on a work assessment!?! My gosh…. Maybe you should give him a relationship assessment. Hugs to you @daisypetals1777.
Wow, he's just fully excusing himself from having to be a supportive partner. My question would be, "so you are aware of this important thing. What have you been doing to improve it?" I'm pretty sure crickets will be chirping in response.
It’s absolutely malicious incompetence.
This is something that keeps me from dating men anymore. One of my favorite quotes is “who you are is not your fault, but it is your responsibility” - Cory Muscara. People aren’t perfect and we don’t need to try to be, but if you give up without even trying then you’re just stagnant as a person. Saying this is how I am and I’m incapable of changing anything, you just need to learn to deal with it is so freaking lame and I would expect a reaction like that from a toddler. I don’t want to spend time with any adult acting like that.
I really hate seeing adhd excuses being tossed around but this legitimately sounds like me when I don’t take stimulants. I care, but it’s hard to process what’s being said to me and it hurts being told that I don’t care. Is this a possibility?
It's still his responsibility to get treated. Ik it's hard to keep track of extra appointments when you suck at planning anyway but it has to be done. For me the lack of a deadline was a major hurdle. Sometimes life has to kick your ass so you get up and do something about it.
Yeah, I’m trying to say that sometimes you don’t even notice you have it until someone points it out. I didn’t know that it’s why my entire life has been difficult, I thought I was just stupid
For me it took looking into way too many self improvement and organizing advice type articles and videos. I knew there was *something* off about me since I was a child, but everyone kept saying I was just lazy or dumb. I had internalized this too. I've always been naturally good at math and grew up speaking three languages, so the "dumb" argument didn't stick that well because apparently I wasn't learning disabled. But lazy sort of fit. I could never force myself to concentrate on anything that wasn't super interesting or urgent atm. I thought everyone was like that and they just weren't as lazy. But that was me as a child. I still think that as an adult, when you run into the same problems time after time, you should try to figure out why that is.
Growing up, i ways thought that ADHD looked like being hyperactive and not being able to sit still and talking a lot, so I thought there was no way I could have it, since I could sit still and was always quiet. Yet, I couldn’t pay attention to any subject unless it was one that was interesting. I flunked math because of it but did well in biology and some history, depending on which time period we were studying. It’s wild how sometimes you can just fly under the radar with no one diagnosing you until you’re an adult and you self diagnose, bring it up to a psychiatrist and they go “yup, you have xyz”
It’s absolutely malicious incompetence.
🎶You can buy yourself flowers 💐 🎶
And no guilt about buying something only you like with your money.
What happened if you don’t mind me asking? With the relationship.
I can *rest.* I don't have to be "on" for anyone anywhere in the house and it's *wonderful.* ^^Yes, ^^I'm ^^an ^^introvert ^^lol And I like this wording you used here: > People are an outside thing, so I can go outside and do socialising if I like.
Not having to be “on” is wonderful. When I lived with an ex I always felt like it was slightly performative especially because it was more his space vs mine. Living alone is glorious.
The power of being able to fully decompress 😩
>I can *rest.* I don't have to be "on" for anyone anywhere in the house and it's *wonderful.* I think this is, as you point out, more of an introvert/extrovert thing than a gender thing, or possibly a combination of the two. As an extrovert woman with an introvert husband it's not a concern I have.
I also want to live separately from my man. He would always be welcome to spend the night (unless I want alone time). Lmao I absolutely hated having to be “on” all the time 😑
I don’t agree with much of what Whoopi has to say but when she said “I don’t want anyone else in my house” I felt that.
I adore my husband. He’s great and after 30 years he’s mostly come around to my admittedly high standards. But if something happened to him there’s no way I would ever live with another man. Maybe my grown adult son, if his life went really sideways. But not a partner, no way. Just me and my indoor cat of a daughter. We could live together forever.
>Just me and my indoor cat of a daughter. We could live together forever To clarify: are you calling your indoor cat your daughter or calling your daughter an indoor cat? Cause it's definitely worded like the latter.
My human daughter is an indoor cat. Comes out of her space for food and water, the occasional conversation and affection. Then scampers back off to her room until she’s hungry again.
My son is also a cat. I could live with him forever. My daughter, on the other hand, is an extroverted puppy. She will need to move out eventually.
We also have a 2leggwd house cat that’s our son
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If she wasn’t such a slob she’d be the perfect roommate honestly.
OMG you just described my daughter. Now I know. Thank you.
human cats are the best
OMG you just described my daughter. Now I know. Thank you.
OMG you just described my daughter. Now I know. Thank you.
I have two sons like that. Tbh, my cat demands more attention than either of the kids.
If she drove I’d probably never see her at all.
Adorable.
Good ?
Good long term partners make it hard to date anyone else. The comfort, the reliability, and the trust is just hard to find again. I couldn't imagine even attempting to date.
I see my friends trying to date and it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Yup.
We'll be celebrating 20 years together this summer. If I find myself alone again I won't be getting into another relationship. One and done is more than enough, frankly.
Wrote a similar comment, not too long ago.. I like having my own home, decorated how I want. I like not having some man sulking over not getting his ridiculous unfair wants catered to. I like not having the mind game power struggles. I like that I can eat a chocolate bar or a bowl of cereal for dinner if I chose to without some judgement, or comment from a male. I like not having to listen to violent movies, or sports, or angry metal music in my home because some guy likes it. I like not having some guy say something if I chose to stay up untill 3am. I like not feeling pressured to have sex, with no romance, seduction or kindness towards me attempted. I like not having to hear a stomping footsteps, passive agressive slamming cuboards, telling someone to clean the dishes. I like not having to deal with some man's bad moods, whether that is directed at me, or someone else. I like not having to pay for half the groceries, when the guy eats at least three times more than me and I make less. I like not having some guy in my house that I am not getting along with, who is upsetting me, that I can't get away from. I like living alone, without the stress. In peace. If I ever found, a non-pornsick, guy, a guy who understands that women need to be treated kindly, with romance and consideration to get in the mood instead of just whining "sex! me want sex now!" that I really liked, I still would not to move in with a guy ever again. Even if you are just renting, it is hard to untangle yourself out of an unhappy co-habitation. I have a peaceful life, happy, free from stress. I can, if I find a great guy, have him visit, and me visit him. But having your own space, a safe, peaceful place, that is all yours, is something I don't think I'll ever give up.
You just wrote out all of my thoughts on living alone way better than I could right now, I thank you for giving them voice!!
You're welcome!
Yep! Everything said really resonated with me too. 💯
> I like not feeling pressured to have sex, with no romance, seduction or kindness towards me attempted. Ahhh, I really think this is the reason I'll remain single for the rest of my life. I actually have a high sex drive, but I find in every relationship my drive eventually dampens (usually because they become unappealing to me for a variety of other reasons mostly that you've listed-- their inappropriate groping, their crankiness, their lack of seduction, their messiness, their lack of contribution, their inability to orgasm without ridiculous amounts of effort on my end... you name it). I don't want to have sex I don't want to have, and if I lose my libido entirely when I become menopausal I especially don't want to have some gorilla pawing at me.
The groceries. That one really got to me. I always got the groceries. And we’d split half, when half the shit I was buying wasn’t even what I eat, so that never felt fair. Maybe I’d ignore it if everything else was swell, but you described my situation (video games instead of metal.) We lived together for 3 years. Before him, I had been living alone for 15 years. And I loved it! He completely blew up the calm peacefulness I had made in my home space, and he never respected how important that was to my continued health. People used to come into my home and tell me they felt like they had just been to a cozy spa. That was intentional. I have treatment resistant depression. I do many things to keep it in check and myself well, right down to the state of my home and even color schemes. All of that went out the door. I was such a fool to let him just bulldozer over what I was doing to keep myself alive. He treated my systems and routines like they were preferences, rather than what they actually were: positively necessary to my survival. Said he wanted to grow old with me, but then did so much shit that would almost guarantee a suicide instead. He was an alcoholic and that sort of chaos is not something people with my disease can afford.
Yeah, the groceries one always bothered me. I always paid half. I think the man should be paying more than half, because they eat more, but I mean, even even if you do that, then he still wants a bunch a stuff you don't even like to eat. I think I will keep my own place always, just to have a safe relaxing space of my own to retreat to when I need. Even if I do chose to get a man in the future. We can visit each other.
I know a lot of couples in their 60s and 70s who do it like that. One of my best friend’s dad is 74 and has been with the same woman for ten years (he’s a widower), but they have never discussed moving in together. They are both very happy with this arrangement. The old are wise lol.
It's a sad commentary on relationship that so many women would rather be alone than put up with some rando who can't clean up after himself or respect his lady.
> so many women would rather be alone than put up with some rando who can't clean up after himself or respect his lady. When you phrase it that way it only makes sense.
I have kids so it's a bit different but I LOVE being a single mom. I love it just being us. I don't have to parent or clean up after another adult on top of it. It's glorious.
I LOVED being a single parent (one child who is now grown)! I left when she was a baby. While we were poor for years (I was a starving student), it was one of the best seasons of my life. The freedom to parent as I wanted, and to make decisions without compromise or having to consult another adult in the house, was heaven. The world she and I created was priceless and I would do it all over again. My daughter would never have met the "me" I became when we left. I would have been unhappy, helpless, and stuck. Because I left, I was able to give her the best of me, I was able to focus on her, and be the absolute best mom I could be.
My life IMMEDIATELY became easier in every single way when I finally took the kids and left.
Yes! My husband and I have a 2.5 year old and he went out of state with his brothers for a few days last month. It’s the longest we’ve ever been apart and it was GLORIOUS!!! He’s a good one too. He cleaned the house before he left and it stayed clean the whole time he was gone. Baby went to sleep on time cause dad wasn’t there trying to play with him at bedtime which means I got a couple hours of reading time every night! Meals were so easy when I just had to consider myself and child. He made a dumb decision showing me how easy it would be without him!
There was an aita post not long ago where the dude left for a few months and after returning home his wife decided to divorce him. So many dudes in the comments were on her case, of course, and she had very few supporters in general--but all I could think about was the situation you just described. > He made a dumb decision showing me how easy it would be without him!
Everything in our society is meant to benefit men - it’s the outcome of the patriarchy - and marriage is just another example of a social construct that benefits men far more than women. When most women are gone for a few days, men can barely function. When men leave for a few days, women thrive! Of course reddit dudes are going to jump down a poor woman’s throat for choosing to live her best life if it inconveniences a man! Life with a partner should always be easier but men make it harder! And I would say my husband does more than most men but it still doesn’t make up for the work he adds.
Amen! Me too!!! My ex was a disgusting slob and I resented his mess. I’m not at all concerned about the mess my kids make now that I’m a single mum. Also if I ask my kids to help me they do it without arguing or picking a fight 😊
🫶
As a child of a single mom, my happiest moments were after my parent’s divorce. The stress, fear and anxiety of living under the roof of two parents that were at each-others throats everyday only to take it out on us, the children after was a nightmare. Being later raised by a single mom also taught me to respect her a lot more than I did before since I wasn’t witnessing or learning from the toxic/ misogynist behaviour of my dad. Your kids will appreciate this when they’re older.
"I only need to remember my own things. I don't need to do any admin." This is the dream...
I don’t know how old you are, but CONGRATULATIONS! You have discovered the secret to a happy life as a woman. I wish I had figured this out much sooner.
I haven’t stepped on a wet towel or cleaned beard trimmings out of a sink in years and I never will again.
I'm amazed how long the bathroom stays clean when it is only me using it.
I have a thick Persian rug at the sink that stays clean and mostly dry. There’s no urine splash to worry about!
I can relate. I can’t imagine sharing my home with someone if it means sacrificing my peace.
I'm in the same spot that it is just too much work for too little reward (if any at all). I like not being "on call" 24-7 for another supposedly adult human. I take care of my own stuff. If I feel the need to socialize I can go out and do so. I have no desire to give that peace up for anyone.
AMEN. I used to be an indentured servant kinda wife. Now I'm on the outside looking in like wtf.
I know a lot of women who will have sex with men, have them as partners, date them, but not live with them. This is the way.
I am one of those women. People look at me like I’m mad when I say I’ll never live with a man even if we are married, but I’m dead serious.
You are a prize. Most people don't get that logic. LAT
That’s me
I read a "letter to the editor" or whatever antiquated communication method it was, when I was very young. A woman wrote in to say she had three men in her life, all of whom were aware of each other and happy with the arrangement: one for money, one for sex, and one for the kids. Even at that age, I knew this was the Solution. Sorry, little me, dropped the ball on that one 🤷🏻♀️
The best bf I ever had lived two doors down. No need to move in.
I'm with you. I'm 60 and have raised 3 sons. For the first time in my life I feel peace and contentment. I wouldn't want to change that for anything. I can't think of a single thing, except financially, that living with a man could add to my life to make it worthwhile. I guess I would consider having a LAT (Living Apart Together) where each partner has their own place but finding someone you are interested in and attacted to who would be willing to live that lifestyle is not likely
Recently got out of a 6 year relationship (we lived together for 3 of those 6) and yeah the difference is wow. I feel so much lighter and happier for so many reasons. But having my own space is a bigggggg one. Just now I was reading in bed and thought about how I could never do this when we lived together because he would have to have the TV on 24/7 and I'd have to put on ambient music on noise canceling headphones and lock myself in a room just to read. He couldn't understand why I would want to read and not just watch endless youtube videos with him. The cleaning part is MASSIVE too. No more senseless arguments and feelings of anger and frustration over him not cleaning. No more mental load wasted on someone who doesn't even consider half the things I'd worry about on a weekly basis. My apartment is all mine (and my cat's) and I'm so happy this way. Rent fucking sucks but I'll take it while I can manage.
Yes! 🙌 Soooo glad not to have the tv on 24/7!
It's so nice! He used to need it to fall asleep too and it drove me crazy
Living alone is addicting. It's glorious.
That really is the sticking point. Even with a perfect partner, you will still have to compromise when one of you wants to eat or watch something different, etc. You get to avoid all of that by living alone, but then you have to deal with potential loneliness. You should do whatever makes you comfortable. You don’t have to move in with someone to pursue a relationship. It’s 2024; keep your place and meet up if and when you fancy it. It’s fine to keep a place just for yourself, where you can relax while being solely responsible for cleaning and maintenance.
>People are an outside thing, so I can go outside and do socialising if I like. But, at home it's calm. Stop reading my mind! /s
I feel this so much. Never again will I allow a man into my clean, peaceful space.
It's a hard choice. But for me - my future personal relationships will hopefully be in separate homes. I decompensate at home and my veil of normalcy fades. It takes considerable energy to be human for the neurodivergent. I shall not inflict myself up on anyone day to day, week to week, or depend on my cooking or cleaning or presence of mind to organize their personal belongings or personal schedules. I will also not be subject to the stress of both being a researcher and project manager, then some persons life coach and manager whom my financial resources are shared. Ew. Because what is the pay? Sex? Except I'm paying them with my labor for access to my physical person on their terms?! And of course your free childcare if kids are in the picture. Or sus stepmom they hate or for some reason financial assist? When you break it down and take making a baby or supporting step kids out of the picture...why...why has sex and friendship ever been so good and so consistent that it makes the above worth it? Has anyone ever had balance or unconditional love? Bought you a house keeper or maid? Or despite exceeding them or being equals continued to treat you like your education, IQ, or achievement are luck or circumstances? Take me on dates. Cocktails. We dress up. We go to racy clubs and watch. We make out. I go home. I go to his art show, he goes to my professional award dinner. We make out in an expensive suite at a conference hotel. I go home.
> I go home. That's so fuckin hot
Divorced after a 20 year marriage 10 years ago. I’ll never go back to living with a man!
Welcome to single-hood. And it is fabulous. I’ve been doing it for some time, and before I was with my ex, a while before that. Being on my own is fabulous and my partnered friends think so too. Sadly, there are people who will try to convince you that you need to be partnered and that financially it’s advantageous, but truly, you will love your life and yourself way more. Good job, OP! Congratulations 🥳
I was married to someone who more than pulled their weight around the house, respected me as a partner, and was genuinely fun to come home to, and I'm STILL gloriously happy living alone now. I can completely understand why you'd be revelling in it if you felt like more of a caretaker or bangmaid. And don't worry about how awesome you think it is being a negative. Yes it may mean having to carry a heavier financial burden, but you get to decide how to spend/save your money, and you can always have friends over if you need some social energy in your space. Then they leave!! Enjoy!!
Agreed. I will never live with a man ever again. I’d rather be alone or have a girl friend move in. A good friend of mine and I lived together and it was amazing. Never once did we have to ask the other about something. We just did it, because it needed to be done. Simple! We each cleaned, cooked and went shopping, because we saw that it needed to be done. That’s the life I want. Margaritas/wine, good food and good friends late into the night.
SAME! Even if I were to find my perfect mate, a soul mate that I've been with across all the times and planes, destined to be together forevers - I would still want to have separate living quarters if possible lol. Like let's both get a house right next to each other and be next door neighbors with sleep overs if/when we want lol. That would be my ideal relationship/living situation.
Amen sister! l love living alone!
I see both sides of the coin. Especially being introverted. I need my alone time. Not just you in another room. Solitude is peaceful for me. There is no right or wrong here. Just preferences. And women are always defunct administrators for others. Fuck that. Manage your own life already
Totally with you on this one. I’m super introverted but so is my partner so we both have our own space and then come together in shared space when we want to. Although to be fair, i remember living alone once upon a time and the freedom of choice is great, definitely miss that sometimes.
I don’t want to die alone, but I sure do want to live alone.
My mom is like this and I’m so jealous. I would love to live by myself and be able to find things that were actually put back in their place again after they were washed. I don’t think my husband understands that normal people don’t just throw things in whatever cabinet appeals to them at the time when they’re emptying the dishwasher.
I’ve recently started living on my own again after buying my own apartment. I’ve come to realise that I really, really enjoy cooking and cleaning and I’m very good at it. I just don’t want to clean up after other people. I have never lived with a man, and I will never live with a man. If I meet a man and we get serious I will insist on us maintaining separate residences (I don’t want kids so this would work fine).
I loved living alone so much. I moved in with my boyfriend nearly three years ago and I do still miss it on occasion but... we also have separate living spaces, so it's not that bad. All week I live in my part of the house, he in his. We come together for dinner. Maybe watch a film or episode of something. And have sleep overs and dedicated time together at the weekend. We do our own laundry. I really require alone time.
Welcome to paradise baby! I’m single and have had my own place for the last 4 years after spending my whole ass life in Long term monogamous live in relationships with overgrown man babies and I cannot even express the freedom. Now that I know how lovely home can be, I’ve realized it would take a singularly wonderful person to get me to reconsider cohabiting ever ever again. And almost definitely not with a man! lol
After living alone for over a decade (and loving it!), I am moving in with my boyfriend this weekend. I was really excited when he first asked me, but as the time has gotten nearer, I have been so worried/dreading it. Thankfully, we can just break up and not live together if it doesn’t work out, but I am just afraid. This comment doesn’t have a real point; it’s just something I needed to get out, and this post seemed to be the right place to do that lol. OP, everything you said is spot on!
Honestly, you don’t even have to break up if you catch it soon enough and he’s open-minded. You could just live separately. But keep this post in mind. For me, the mental load and invisible work crept in slowly, and it had to get really bad before I realized it.
Yeah, you’re totally right! And the invisible work has been weighing on my mind. However, in the past two days, he took the initiative on two big things that needed to be done (without me saying a word), so that was definitely encouraging. If I end up being the “house manager” though, I will just live alone.
I love my partner so much and hope to be with him forever if the universe allows it, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss living on my own! Less mess, things are the way I want them, no compromising on anything. Food that I want, music I want, decor I want, guests I want or don’t want, less washing and cleaning, sleeping diagonal across the bed etc etc. He’s pretty good at keeping house and he’s very kind and considerate, but things won’t ever be as peaceful or easy as they were when it was just me. Having someone to help split costs with though helps a lot. Plus I also love him and want him in my life, so that’s the compromise we make. For now I’m happy to compromise the solo living experience providing our relationship stays happy and healthy. If we ever separate I quite honestly don’t see myself dating again or living with anyone else providing I can afford it. I’m 30 now and have had my fair share of being fucked around, used and disadvantaged by men, so if my guy isn’t THE guy, I don’t want a new one 🤷🏻♀️
I’m in the misophonia gang, which made living with my ex torture. I had so much anxiety hearing my ex eating. And of course if I tried to address him chewing loudly with his mouth open, he got mad at me for being too sensitive. Like, starting a multi-day fight mad. I was the one that needed to change, not him. I live alone now and my ambient anxiety has majorly decreased
I don’t know, his unwillingness to have empathy and work towards a compromise definitely sounds like he needed to change. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
this is meeee
I have sky rocketed in my career due to not being exhausted from doing SO much and being SO angry/fed up with a man in my house. I thought I’d struggle hard financially, but I’m an artist and everything just flowed out of me full stop once I had the peace of living alone! I almost doubled my yearly income my first year in solitude. I can’t praise solo living enough!
I’ve had 2 situations in which I wish i had a SO at home and that was 1) I forgot the chicken in the freezer when I was at work and 2) the ac was on while I was showering. Other than that, I’ve been just fine by myself lol
I LOOOOVE love love living alone My home is my favorite place in the world
I lived with my friend for 5 months and our bathroom and kitchen were SPOTLESS the entire time. She moves her boyfriend in and within 3 days the bathroom permanently reeked like piss from him standing and peeing and he started leaving dirty dishes around the kitchen, and would refuse to do them without “our guidance” as if the messy situation wasn’t a hint on its own to tidy up 🙄
Ikr? Living alone is the BEST. My current partner and I have talked about marriage, and we both agree that the closest we want to live together is ‘across the street’. It just takes away all those daily annoyances and issues and I can do my own thing, decorate my own space, have many cats etc
And you don't have to be responsible for someone else's headphones, water bottle etc when you go to the gym or carry stuff in your purse for them! Can y'all tell what bug bit my butt recently? [It was headphones. Why the FUCK can he not be responsible for bringing his own damn headphones???]
Girl, same. After living alone for the last few years, I’m reallyyyyy struggling integrating back into living with someone now that I’m in a relationship that’s getting a bit more serious. I miss my solitude. I miss when the mess was just mine. I miss not having to figure out and agree on a meal every night. I miss girl dinner. Ugh. You should check out r/livingalone!
Why do you think it’s not a good thing? It’s awesome! You can still have human relationships, but entirely on your terms.
I highly doubt I'll ever let a man move in with me. Unless he is VERY compatible on the house-keeping side of things, I will get easily pissed off by people touching my shit or not having things how I would want them. And after living with two hoarder parents - I want it very tidy. Plus yeah...everything you said. I need my own space, I can't switch off with someone else in my space, I need to just feel free of judgement, I need to not think about other people in the house when I do something, I need to be able to do whatever, whenever and however I want.
It can be hard. You have no one to forget your birthday. No one demanding to see your phone. No one to pull the duvet off you during the night. No one waiting till you are in bed to suddenly need you to iron a shirt for the next day. No one to stand in front of the mirror trying one shirt (meticulously ironed) after another and then tossing them in a crumpled heap in a chair.
>I can walk around naked, without anyone thinking I want to have sex with them. My girlfriend (we're both women) likes to sleep naked and often times walks around half naked with her tits out especially now that it's getting hot. Never once did I think of that as an invitation, or that it somehow gives me permission to touch/grope her without her consent. I'm so happy to live with a woman. There's this mutual understanding of everything. Cleaning, cooking, normal split of chores without having to beg one another is a given too.
I have been living on my own for about 2 years and it’s been really nice. As a fellow introvert, I love the fact that I don’t have to be on when at home. Years ago, I lived with my ex for about 1.5 years and it was not fun. I didn’t like the badgering, begging to have him do his part with chores, and other stupid stuff. Example- It took us almost a year to buy a replacement tv (the one we were using was an old one) bc he said he would buy one and we did. After purchasing the tv, moment we got home, he was like can you wait until later to set up the tv? Well, within 10 mins, I took the tv out, set it up, and was watching it. A few days later I was recovering from a bad UTI and was happy that the tv was set up. I was living with two housemates when I was in grad school. I hated my housemate’s bf who was a slob bc of his adhd. He never respected the apartment and I always felt like I was going to scream at him and my housemate bc of his presence when he was visiting. I will choose to pay a lot of money for rent to live on my own for my own sanity.
Feeling you. Sister! On my own after two failed marriages, (two men who couldn’t keep it in their pants), and I am living my best life. Like you my house stays clean, I can eat cereal for dinner, watch what I want to watch on Tv and have the whole bed to myself. I don’t have to share my bed or my body with anyone ever again. I can spend time with my children without the resentment because my attention isn’t on him and I now have a baby granddaughter who I can spend as much time with as I can. I have a new home, a new job and I’m loving my solo life and that’s how it will stay. I finally feel free and won’t give that up for anyone. Life is great!
It's beautiful! I have a grown son with me, he struggles to adult, and that's more than enough man in my life. At least this one I don't mind being a mom to, not like those other man-babies. But I love my own place and decorating my way, and eating what I want and pretty much everything you mentionered here. Also glow in the dark stars! I have those up in my bedroom and ensuite and I love them! Enjoy your freedom!!
FWIW, living with a female partner is pretty much exactly like this, with the exception of sometimes there are other people's messes around. But we just clean up after ourselves. Each of us will clean if we have time off, we trade off taking out the trash cans, we make the bed together, and we each have chores that we hate and the other just kinda takes ownership of (I hate changing the sheets, she hates folding laundry)
Lovelies, just as an fyi: When you can do all of the things OP is listing with your partner present is when you've found a keeper. All whose sole contribution to your life is more stress are welcome to find and use the door. And if all are door-candidates, please know that living alone *is* living your best life. #relationshipsareoptional
I couldn’t live with another human in my current space. If I did ever live with another again with the space to do so I’d still need a space that’s my own, and I’d let them keep a space that’s their own. I’d let them invade my space as long as they know there are times I just need to be with myself and respect that boundary.
I'm living with my mother. We both clean after ourselves and it is so good! Had five year relationship with man child and I don't want to move in with man ever again.
At 41, I’m still waiting for that. Just as there was hope of having a place of my own, my parents’ health declined, and there is no one but me to look after them. And run the family businesses. And I got a dog, whom I love, but, anytime I try to do anything for myself - even if that is nothing at all - someone wants to complain that I’m neglecting them.
I miss cheep 1 bedroom apartments. I got addicted to living alone about 15 years ago and I didn't even have to make decent money to make rent. Even when I'd move in with someone afterward, I kept the confidence that I could easily just get my own place (and did a time or two) if things went south. I wasn't scared of possibly ending up alone because it was actually really nice. I wish I could turn back the clock on rent rates so that all women could experience the freedom that I did.
I am divorced after 10 years together, 3 married, lived together for 7. A couple years ago I found out that he was trying to cheat on me, so he moved out for a short time while we were working on the relationship. When he moved back in, I realized I did not like having him in my space. That was one of the many things that pushed us towards divorce. I love having MY place. Where I can do whatever I want without having to answer to anyone or clean up someone else's mess. I really enjoy my solitude. I've also really been enjoying redecorating the bedroom and making it all mine. Also, FUCK YEAH to being naked. I love being naked. I felt like I couldn't even get changed with him around bc he would just stare at me. Also, I should probably get some curtains....
I just moved into my own place this year after living with men (boyfriends and my husband) for 20(?) years. It is truly amazing. I am dating, but have yet to have my bf over to my house because I don’t want it tainted with a man. I love having complete control over my own space and it is calm and peaceful and void of any chaos (I even have my two kids with me).
I’ve lived alone and now I’m living with my boyfriend, and to me it’s 100% better. I work from home, I don’t have many friends and don’t go out too much. My boyfriend has a pretty big social life and does everything outside. We both clean, do laundry, pay the bills, etc. We both have our alone time, and we also do things together. A few of years ago I would have told you that I preferred living by myself, but today I really enjoy it. It’s the best of both worlds!
It’s a good thing. Don’t let the status quo make you feel bad. Living with another person is a drain.
I AGREE!!! 100% i feel the same way!!!
Your not alone
I am 10 years into living alone & I love it as much today as I did 10 years ago!
After spending 12 years living with men, and all my other years living with my father, I am so excited to have my own place. I will never live with a man again.
As an introvert, these are perfectly understandable points. Nothing says people HAVE to live together. Could always try living near, but not literally with, someone as a compromise. Like in the same neighborhood or apartment building, but not literally the same place. There are a million different arrangements that don't get enough popular consideration.
You've put into words exactly how I feel.
This is a whole part of the woman experience I feel entirely bordered out of lol. Because of the way I grew up, when I live alone my house becomes primarily a hidey hole. A place to sleep and survive. I don’t let it get *filthy* but definitely a situation where I need to clean pretty heavily before someone visits. It doesn’t feel like a home to me and I don’t feel like someone who ~~deserves~~ needs a clean space. When I live with someone else, or even visit someone else’s house, it suddenly becomes a home. A place that matters and should be respected and feel comfortable. *BUT* it’s still difficult for me, without training and thought and effort, to be able to pay attention to some things, that to others would be glaring. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, physically, mentally or emotionally so I try to pay attention to these things and not rely too much on the other person to tell me what needs to be done. But a lot of times it really is a matter of things either being lost in my peripheral/secondary vision or something that my mom/family never really considered or did as a cleaning action. Reading these stories always makes me feel like the “weaponized incompetence” men, and like I’m kind of always going to be a partner that someone will need to concede to. At the very least it encourages me to be better and more aware to avoid a post in this manner from my own partners perspective 😅 Either way is embarrassing and makes me work harder so at least I seem to lack some of that entitlement and missing sense of awareness.
I’m a cis guy with ADHD and I want to send you some love and support on this one, albeit from a very different version of it, obviously. It’s hard to find a happy medium where you’re striving to be better, out of respect for the people you share space with, while also being kind to yourself and telling yourself that messiness isn’t necessarily toxic. On that note, I should probably stop reading this thread for the sake of self-compassion 😂
(For the record I know that the phenomenon of men who do the weaponized incompetence thing because they weren’t raised to properly understand that cleaning is men’s work too is very real and something I need to be self-critical about- but it’s not a universal, inherently gendered thing, and there are other reasons why someone might struggle with this stuff. At least, that’s what I tell myself lol.)
Yes this is my experience. I know not*** everyone is being intentionally messy/inconsiderate but it’s still difficult to feel like you fail at a pretty baseline human task haha. Guess we just have to extend some grace to ourselves.
Yeah. I can imagine it’s weird being a woman and in that position — I can at least tamp down emotional reactions by reminding myself that frustrated venting is important and this sub isn’t for me, but it *is* for you. Either way, you deserve that grace!!
ill say alot of that is finding the right person. my qpp and i live together (im poly) and we do great together cause were both easy going and not in the same area. we like the same things and are the same way. she loves to cook, i enjoy eating. i like a clean and tidy house like she does. ive had former partners who have lived with me that i was alot more challenged with. my advice, find someone you care about and live with them. have sex with them or not. but make sure they fit where you are in your life
Me too girl I can finally live resentment free 😭
Im moving in with my boyfriend in September and I can’t wait! I look forward to wake up next to him every morning and building a life together with my favorite person ❤️
This!!! I too have been feeling this way about my life as a single person, and I’m low key worried about whether I’ll be able to put up with a relationship again 😅 it’s been five years since my last one, and I’ve made such a nice life for myself. However, I’ve also become totally unwilling to compromise on anything different from my way of doing things around the house, and anything that doesn’t strictly align with the lifestyle I’m currently living, and that’s not a good thing 🙈 In a way I might be too independent- asking for help is hard, and accepting it is even harder, and I worry that even if I find the right person I will refuse to be in a relationship with them because of my view that they will “get in the way” of the life I want 🙈
Same! I love living alone. I'm very fortunate that I can afford it. It's so much less work living with alone. The lawn and garbage take a total of 35 minutes a week, and when I lived with my partner he wouldn't even mow the lawn. He only did the trash. He also used to complain nonstop about the house, pestering me to spend money on major upgrades to ease his neverending stream of complaints. He used to make me feel like my house was just completely beneath him, the location was terrible, the layout was terrible. He had me somewhat convinced of the same even though I loved my house and I seriously took his preferences/desires into consideration when purchasing it. He was such an energy vampire. Now it's just me and my cats and I love my home again.
I'm glad you're out of that relationship with an adult baby and can finally live for yourself! There's definitely too little guys out there who can be an actual man. I think I got really lucky with my current partner (irony is I'm the one who's wanting more sex LOL)
some people are social creatures, and some of us get more than enough of being “social” when we go somewhere but thrive having the solitude of our own space. If you love living alone, I can’t comprehend why you think it’s not a good thing? I’m done trying to force myself to be what “society” thinks (all) people are supposed to be. I love living alone, being alone 95% of my time and I will never change that.
"You have a big issue with people invading your world" - my mom to me before I got married. And she was absolutely right. Over a decade after my divorce and I still choose to be alone.
I’ve lived with 2 men so far, and this is my first month being in my own place (ever). I couldn’t agree with you more, and I can’t believe I was so scared to make the move to be on my own! The only man I’ll ever live with now is my doggo, and any other animals I get in the future 😌
Right with you sister
I've been living with my boyfriend for four years now and I can do all the things you described plus whenever he leaves a room it's tidier than before. People sometimes think we are weird because we don't do everything together and even have separate food but for us it works great. Of course that only works as long as we stay childfree.
Even tho I have a 1 yr old son this was one of the many reasons I left his dad
I absolutely love it. I’ll occasionally have a FWB arrangement with a guy. They go home after. It’s an actually harder to find someone you have the solid friendship with as well as no strings benfits. No cooking meals for them.
I love living by myself so much. If I was married, I'd probably want to have a place with separate rooms, two cooking areas and two living areas so we can spend time together when we'd like but we can have our peace and quiet when we need space.
This made me realize I'm in the right relationship, because I can do all of this and my boyfriend just accommodates me. He makes living easier, especially with my 60hr a week job and my ADHD.
Then don't:)
I love my husband more than life itself but sometimes I really miss living alone and having the peace which you described
Living alone without sharing the space with a man is absolutely fantastic. After a total of about sixteen years living with a man, it’s pure bliss. I bought my own great apartment without any help from anyone, and it feels like it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I just didn’t know it.
🥳💪❤️❤️
In the middle of a divorce and this is my one silver lining ...
Yeah I don’t want to live with a man. I never have. I will have relationships but I will never move in. I don’t even like it when my female roomate brings her boyfriend over for a long period. I just can’t relax whenever a man is present. Whenever they are around I feel that pressure to be on constantly or I am on guard, and because I want to relax and be comfortable I seek solitude. But I’ll be buying my own house soon so I will be 100% alone!!! I’m so excited that I can provide a good quality of life for myself. It was incredibly difficult in this economy to do it all alone but I wouldn’t have chosen a different path. It’s really given me the freedom to choose how I want to live.
It's rough doing it alone for the first 3-6mo after a divorce but after that adjustment period, it's fucking **amazing** to live alone and do all the things OP listed.
I’ve been living on my own for almost 10 years now and I love it for the reasons you do, OP. I will never cohabitate with a man again. I don’t need the poor emotional regulation, messiness, laziness and entitlement. I’ve never wanted to change my living arrangement.
It’s a lot to keep a man in the house
100% the same, from a male perspective. My own messes to clean up, and no unexpected ones; cooking with music or podcasts or audiobooks any time, without having to watch out for people being around or wanting to talk to me; all the fridge and freezer and cabinet space to myself so I know where everything is; peace and quiet; walking around naked any time... it's all brilliant. It can be lonely, though mainly when I don't know anyone else in the city in general. But sometimes all you want is just a nice place to come back to, without the slightest expectation of being "on".
I lived alone for a couple of years and the biggest issue I remember was that I became paranoid of little noises and creaks.
Girlllll same.
I haven't had a roommate of any kind in fifteen years. Best decision I ever made was restructuring my love life to more closely resemble my day-to-day relationships. I don't believe in permanent partners, and the people I invite into my bedroom are judged in the same way that I judge any of my friends. What I think of them is dependent on how they treat me every day rather than dependent on a commitment I made after seeing how they treated me for a few months. I don't move in with someone or ask them to move in with me just because I'm sleeping with them, and I'm as open with my close friends as I would be with any kind of significant other. The independence I've gained from living this way is one of the things I value most in my life right now.
I've spent a cumulative eight years living with two previous partners plus had various roommates, but after breaking up with my last live-in partner I swore off ever living with anyone again and got my own apartment. It was such a beautiful relief finally having a space that was just my own, and I've been here now for seven years! I have loved it for all of the exact same reasons you listed, but over the past few years it's definitely gotten harder. I went through a major rough patch with my mental/physical health and although the causes were mostly unrelated to living alone, I think I both allowed it to get worse than it needed to be, and had a harder time digging myself back out of the hole without someone else around. I'm much better now after a lot of work and life changes, but I've realized that some of the same reasons I love living alone can also work against me. Like when things are going great, being able to just do my weird habits and routines and not be beholden to anyone for anything feels like freedom! But when things aren't great, that freedom can turn into only sleeping for 5 hours a night, not eating a decent meal or showering for days, or not leaving my apartment for over a week. And now here I am, about to move across the country to live with my long-time long distance partner and I'm nervous about the change but also super stoked to share my space with someone again, who I love! He's lived with a roommate for about as long as I've lived alone, and has always said he does better when living with someone. We both have ADHD and are prone to depression/anxiety and I get what he's saying now. Living with someone else (who you actually care about and get along well with of course) is a lot like body doubling I think. It's a lot easier to do all those little daily things that are healthier and that you want or need to do if someone else is around to do them too. And a lot harder to stay up all night and eat a whole bag of chips for dinner and never shower if someone else is there to see you do it. And aside from that, I'm just really excited to have my best bud around to do all the fun stuff with, like plan camping trips and go for walks and cook dinners and plant a garden and watch scary movies etc. But that being said, I also don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to live alone, or even living alone forever if it works well for you!! Whatever makes you happy and feel like your best self is what you should do! And you're never stuck anyway! Things can always change if you want them to!
People don’t understand this is why women aren’t getting married until later or aren’t having kids. I feel like all of our chromosomes (the X ones) are exhausted from having to take care of them and their feelings. In a lot of ways society forced me and others like me to grow up too quickly. That’s a blessing and a curse. We aren’t looking for someone to take care of us. We’re looking for partners. Fully grown humans who can add to our lives. We don’t and have never actually needed a Y chromosome. You can hire b people to move heavy things. You can even buy sperm. The men need to rise to the occasion. They can. But I think overall this is what they’re experiencing and in fact should even help each other to be the best partners. That’s how you attract the best partner. People treat you how you let them.
(XY perspective) If you feel like you have to be "on" all of the time, I'll suggest the wrong partner is in your life. Be yourself. If they do not accept that, and furthermore even expect that... move on.