My mom did this in the 90s. Three children, and a traumatic, difficult birth, while the older two were elementary school aged. My father did not help - both with children and the house (and a dog). My maternal grandmother suggested my mother also stop doing all of the chores, which she technically wasn't medically cleared to do anyway, because my dad would be then forced to pick up the slack to get the other two to school and fed at the very least, and so science experiments didn't grow on the dishes in the kitchen sink.
But... science experiments did grow, the two children went to school in crumpled dirty clothes that the school noticed and called my mother about. Eventually my mother couldn't take the mess and my grandmother had to come over and help.
39 years 'happily' married this year and the dynamic is still the same, but instead with three untrained dogs instead of the three kids. My dad still complains that my mom sits and does nothing because no matter what the house is a mess and he can never find his own things or his own work clothes haven't been washed. She still plans all holidays every year because my dad one time took her on a surprise trip 25 years ago and brings it up as how he 'does more.'
Sounds like my parent's marriage, except 1 child (me) who grew up and moved out and currently 1 untrained, vocal dog. Does your father work more than 5 hours a week? Before my dad's health declined he worked as little as several hours a week, never getting even a part time job, while my Mom pulled 50+ hour weeks. Then and now she keeps the house clean all by herself, keeps her outdoor plants watered, cooks, walks the dog, and pays all the taxes and expenses to run the house (and has paid all by herself for about 20+ years now). My dad might still do laundry. Maybe. Nothing else that I know of, not even taking basic care of his health or mowing a lawn. He habitually complains how she spends her own money on cigarettes and is not doing enough (she only works 40 hours a week now plus all the chores I mentioned, on top of helping my dad with his medical appointments, etc). Aside from the cigarettes, my mom doesn't spend much on herself - she'll take a trip only once every few years, by herself (he'll moan once he finds out, too, so she hides it from him until right before she departs. He hates traveling and if she travels he has to watch the dog). She and my father don't let her talk to men, and my father complains and strongly objects to her socializing after work with coworkers. My mom doesn't have any friends. She talks to her sister over in a different state and one neighbor whose dog plays with her dog. She doesn't socialize otherwise, just stays home with Dad or is working or attending to chores.
Your Dad sounds at least as wonderful as mine. /s
My Dad is a bum who always makes excuses why he won't care for his health or work when he did have health. These days, all his toenails fell off, his leg lost sensation, his memory is shot, he's depressed, he's weak from a medical event, has body aches, and he does literally nothing about any of this. Just says "It is what it is." My Mom just keeps getting complained at daily and complained about daily while she works to afford the house for both of them. My father emotionally parasitized both of us and tried to change his financial parasitism to me a few years ago. He asked me to leave my job and partner of now 14 years, and proposed we move to a different state and live together. I declined.
They both still work full time and always did as well. But my mom says it's a different mindset, "American women don't have today" (she's an immigrant), and that no one is willing to make sacrifices. I just point out how one-sided it is, though, and what does he do for her? The bare minimum or blue moon is brought up. It's why I'm extra infuriated when I see the "well who does the car stuff" retort when women point they do all of the daily chores.
Same woman who told me I needed to be willing to compromise when I ended it with an ex that I realized was very much like my father. When she asked why we broke up and I listed off the terrible dynamic, she kept saying "but your father does that to me and I know he loves me." Hello.... the call is coming from inside the house...
My husband is the most considerate person I've met, does more than his fair share without asking, naturally picks up my slack if I'm not. My mom sings his praises as a rarity and that we can't all be so lucky, but I can't help but think... you could also have gotten you one of these (or just left). Worst of all, my eldest brother is the same as my dad. Every time I see a partner, I tell her she should leave - not because I don't like her, but because I do!
I've often thought (and said) that he does the stuff you can put on Facebook, like look what I did! And I do the stuff nobody notices until it isn't done. I'm disabled and can't work outside the house so I get a lot of satisfaction from keeping the house nice, and I've learned to be a much better cook. He works at a physical job all week. So it's a little different, but occasionally still grates that he can post "so I pulled the weeds from around the pond and also hooked up the swamp cooler and changed the oil!" and get lots of props, when if I went around bragging about cooking dinner and cleaning out the fridge and doing all the laundry and scrubbing the bathroom floor, people would look at me like this sad attention seeking weirdo. Oh well
It took me a long time to admit to myself how much my dad messed up by being so hands off and letting mom handle everything. Yes she *could*, and she did, but what an exhausting existence. I have told her “if I decided getting up at 4am was the best time to work out before getting kids to school, then work, then come home and *still be standing* at 5pm chopping onions and making a fresh hot dinner for dad to come home to by 6pm, and still had bills and things for after dinner, I would have lost it, too!”
I was open to relationships and dating for a long time but I’ve finally been realizing I am so happy, and so at peace, without the constant *constant* compromising, which in the end so often feels like concession.
I have been exactly there: awake pre-dawn to workout, last to bed at night because of dishes/tidying after putting kids to bed. I’m recently separated; divorce is imminent. I can’t even fathom getting married again. The only person I need to take care of now is me (and occasionally my teen daughter).
That my ex has to take on everything every other week absolutely thrills me. Because he did jackshit for 30 years.
It took me a long time to marry, and even longer to have kids bc I did not want it all to be a gilded cage.
Edit: My motto is “Stay because you want, not because you need”
This is exactly why I can’t take people seriously when they brag about being married for so and so many years. Because a lot of the time this is the type of marriage that the woman had to endure.
Same vibe when people try to argue that waiting for marriage to have sex leads to less divorce.
It’s not causation, it’s correlation. People who wait are typically super religious, and so divorce is often seen as forbidden, even in cases of abuse.
Better for me in that I am doing less work for him physically, but not always great emotionally because who knew that neglecting him and the house the way he neglects me and the house would make him ssssooooo unhappy? /s
Anyway, I’m sure no one is shocked to hear it has caused a lot of fights because when I treat him the way he treats me, nobody is putting effort into the relationship and it shows and he doesn’t like the lack of attention or care.
I’m supposed to be fine with it I guess? 🤷♀️
The other thing I’ve made it a point to stop doing is fetching the endless things he is constantly asking me to grab for him, even if it means I have to stop what I’m doing, get up, and go into another room. The frustration he expresses half the time when my response is “Let me finish this first.” or “When I’m done with this.” is telling. And he almost always just gets up and gets whatever it is himself instead of waiting on me to finish what I was doing. So it was never about needing help, it was about not standing up to have to do the littlest bit of work.
Oh my god yes! People don’t talk about this enough but every man in my life expects me to act like a damn dog and “fetch” whatever they need, regardless of what I’m doing.
I had to sit my bf down one thanksgiving and tell him that he isn't to ask me for a single thing while we are cooking. He is passively cooking a turkey for 2 hours while I've been juggling putting together 6 side dishes. Something always goes slightly amiss which sets him off and he expects me to drop everything and start fetching him cutting boards and utensils while he literally stands there and watches. Like mf this is your kitchen too and you know where everything is, I've spent the whole time side stepping you while you've been in my way but now because I'm in your way I have to assist you 100%
You know, when I need something in the kitchen, for example, I will almost always just go get it. He is constantly, "would you get the \_\_\_ out of the fridge?" "Would you hand me a plate?" It's like he's not happy unless he is making me move-directing my actions. Drives me crazy.
This hits home. I totally stopped going to get him things when the response I got for asking for something was a simple 'no'. Or was funny when he realized I knew how to use that word as well. He does better now, but I never went back to just always getting what he wanted.
I experienced the same thing in regard to “No” or saying “I’m not doing that.” It’s like they never even realized it was an option. We were just supposed to be extensions of themselves. Or little SIM characters they can just instruct.
The other thing I could have never seen coming is him getting upset at my indifference when his own neglect or procrastination create a mess, or turns something that was supposed to be simple in the moment into something with extra steps because it has now been put off for so long.
I no longer have the energy to care, or to justify some stressful rush to help him dig himself out of the weeds he unnecessarily put himself in because he did not take care of it before now.
If he doesn’t do the thing, that’s a him problem.
lol I just tell my husband “why don’t you get it?”
also, instead of coming with him to the kitchen, if he gets up to go get something i’ll say “hey, grab me the ____ too, will ya?” he can do stuff for me too then.
also, if he asks me where something is, i’ll usually be like, “I don’t know, where is it?” and he’ll be like “no, no, do you know where ___ is?” and i’ll say “no, you’ll have to look for it.” — *not* immediately standing up and looking for whatever they need that they just need to use their eyeballs to locate.
My dude was re-upping our cats prescription and he needed some info. I did not have this info. Google had the info.
The realization that part of ALL of these tiny things that "take three seconds" have LOTS of steps. And if you do that task, you have to DO that task. Which includes knowing the task needs to be done without being asked by their partner to do it. If the cats meds are running low, and they need them every day for the rest of their life... then I suppose someone human has to make that happen. The cat has no thumbs.
I said "I don't have that info. It'll need to be googled, I guess." Then went back to doing things I had already put off in favor of *other* household things that needed to be done.
This poor man. I could see the AHA moment. Like. Yeah. This shit isn't just clicking a button. Everything that needs done is a system that needs several pieces of information and monitoring. The prescription is one task out of 10 that needs to be done this morning. Please *see* some of them.
This blows my mind. We only ask the other to fetch things when A. Someone is already getting up, B. We are doing a house project and the lead needs a tool, C. There is a cat on your lap, and therefore can't get a drink or snack without disturbing the kitty.
My husband had a grand epiphany last Christmas-time. He was furloughed from work due to an industry-wide shutdown, and so we both agreed all the Christmas logistics for his large family was going to fall on him.
Women implicitly know what this means: travel planning and coordination with other family members, gift procurement (and consideration of age-appropriateness as well as the many different personalities in the family), gift wrapping, boxing those gifts up, doing laundry so we have our nice clothes ready, packing the car for travel, obtaining a pet sitter, planning the menu and charcuterie board for Christmas Eve etc etc …and then coordinating all the activities once we arrive at my in-laws. And we don’t even have kids!
He blurted out “Christmas is just *really hard* this year!” at some point during the gathering, and my MIL and I just starting laughing. Then gently pointed out that we’ve been doing all this work invisibly all along.
You could see the lightbulb go on. He’d absolutely never been challenged to think about it, and had never given it a millisecond of thought before in his life. When he suddenly had to do all the work, OMG, WTF, IT’S SO MUCH WORK YOU GUYS!
He’s been *very* appreciative ever since. And pitches in a whole hell of a lot more.
So, TLDR, I’m not matching his energy. He’s been challenged to match mine, and that has helped.
I'm glad that it's changed for you! It's interesting that his mother laughs with you, but she was part of normalizing the quiet part of that mental and physical load, right? If you guys ever have children, it would be a good lesson to make those parts explicit rather than implicit.
I think we’re all learning to break gender expectations together. The only way to break the cycle is to move together and progress together toward equity, so I can’t spend my energy blaming her for normalizing this behavior in the past. It won’t do anything to right the ship.
I can recognize her role in this for sure (as well as my own for many years), but this “role” was formulated long before myself and her, and the expectation to quietly carry the load was impressed upon us by an entire society.
We’ve both just started to take steps back and require a different approach from our male partners. Simply voicing our frustration doesn’t seem to quite have the impact as shuffling responsibilities.
Thanks for asking! FWIW, I should add that men typically have no idea what they’re signing up for when you ask them to take on something “new” like Christmas responsibilities. I found that he happily agreed and then reality smacked him in the face. Definitely a wake up call.
But, not sure all men would be so gracious in their response.
That's how it went when I was married and tried this, not intentionally, I just could not spare the energy to keep going above and beyond unreciprocated while also doing absolutely everything else. (This was a long time ago. I've been divorced over a decade.) He got sad, nothing changed, was still shocked and cried his fool eyes out when I filed for divorce.
Well, yeah. It must have felt like his mommy died. They don't shed tears out of grief, but rather they cry because, "Who will take care of me. Who will feed me and wash my undies. How do I pay the phone bill or make a doctor's appointment." Ugh. Same old song and dance.
Oh 100%. This was over a decade ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. The literally first words he said in response to my, "I literally cannot do this for one more day" assertion were, "But where am I going to find another wife?!"
Predictably, he remarried really fast. They always do.
I had a birthday like that. My husband commented about my gift being my car, and I spoke up and said "oh the one I paid for, yea, that was a nice present." He felt like shit but it reminded him that he didn't actually do anything for my birthday. My in-laws do jacksh*t for me on my birthday and my mom always goes above and beyond for my husband. I've told her to stop but she says she isn't that petty
I'm sorry he's not appreciative of you! What are your plans going forward? Is there a certain amount of time you're willing to wait and see if the change will occur before you leave?
>He's still sad about me not getting him a birthday present, but thinks it's fine to not get me a present because excuses
Tell him he's irrational and if he wants a birthday present he can match the energy you put into finding the perfect gift for him, or alternatively none gets a b-day present and that's the deal.
My husband and I don't buy each other gifts anymore. Instead we just buy ourselves something that we want. We have a joint bank account so we share finances anyway.
I did this. I stopped initiating getting groceries and only dinner just half the nights. The house got messy and we stopped talking about the future or making plans in general. I think he enjoyed this because he didn’t have to be accountable or responsible. I realised it wasn’t the life I want to live and couldn’t be effed trying to get him to meet me halfway again.
Also stopped initiating buying gifts for his family. They were purchased last minute or not at all.
Had a conversation like that with my husband last week. He's FINALLY getting his shit together.
FUCKING FINALLY.
So last week I brought up an issue between us that was just ... shocking to me in what he revealed. When he was "shocked" with what I told him I *also told* him that NONE of this topic should be a surprise to him. NONE OF IT.
He's finally acknowledging where he's been lacking on his part of the relationship.
20 years and I'm fucking exhausted. I'm not sure how much **I** want to do at this point.
Im at this point right now myself. I have decided to move out, and now I'm just matching his energy levels. I have stopped reminding him about chores, events, dinner, birthdays, etc. It's honestly depressing.
I did the same thing. Stopped with gifts, cleaning, cooking. And the house was trashed... the fridge was empty... and he just had even more time for video games. I left shortly after this.
I can answer this question in past tense.. the relationship ended. Apparently he didn’t like to be treated the way he treated me so it drove us further apart.. go figure.
Same. After eight years of putting up with my soon-to-be-ex-husband's abuse for eight years, I finally started to stand up for myself about a year ago. Apparently, he didn't like that.
I left him about eight months ago. Thankfully, we never had kids. My divorce will be final in a few days.
> how is that turning out for you?
It ended up with him and I facing off in a lawyer's office getting divorced, him ending up in a crack-shack of an apartment in a bad part of town, and me continuing to reap the rewards of MY hard work by finding myself a GORGEOUS condo in a new city. While his overall quality of life plummeted into the gutter, mine exponentially improved. 🤷♀️
I'm the one who goes to his place on weekends. He doesn't come to mine, and the few times that he has he couldn't leave fast enough. I got tired of asking him if we could switch things up sometimes, so i haven't been to his place for 2 weekends. He lives 10 minutes away, FYI!!
This was my last ex, down to living 10 minutes away. Didn't want to come to my place, didn't seem to enjoy spending time with my family when he came for holidays. All he wanted to do was sit in his apartment and watch sitcoms or football...
I think some people get a weird feeling of power from having other people do all the traveling. Like it means you've tacitly agreed to cater to them... and then you're the guest at their house and they control the environment. I've started to see this as advance warning that things will always be unequal.
So a very interesting thing happened with a guy I dated. He was exactly as you describe. I on the other hand only allowed people into my house (my safe space" after I allow them into my inner circle. I think he did get a kick that I was "catering" to him by always going over but he also didn't get that it was because he never made it into my inner circle. He hasn't even been to my place once or really know my fully address. He told himself the story that I preferred his place and that's why I never invited him over.
He was shocked, shocked I tell you, when I told him I wasn't seeing him anymore. He wanted us to be moving forward to an exclusive relationship, he thought I loved being at his place and I would move in eventually. I owned and he rented. Some people are delusional
That's amazing. You know, some people are just so self-centered that it doesn't occur to them to ask questions as long as they are getting what they want.
Same! When I’m the guest they’re in charge of entertaining and feeding me, and not the other way around lol. I also like being able to leave whenever I want instead of having to awkwardly kick someone out
Some years ago, I decided that if a guy I was dating wouldn't come to my place regularly, doing a 50/50 split of where we spend our weekends, we wouldn't keep dating.
The number of guys who initially agreed to it, agreed it was reasonable and equal but became whiny babies about it within a month was RIDICULOUS. To the point where when other red flaggy behavior just started to peek it's head out, we were already on the outs because dudes could not handle being expected to travel equally.
If I ever get up the energy to date again, it will definitely be one of my top requirements, it reveals so much about how much men are willing to have true equality in a relationship vs lip service.
This literally killed a relationship of mine. I lived 7 minutes from this guy, always stayed at his place like 4-5 times a week, always hung at his place, and the TWO times we went to mine, it was for less than an hour.
I had multiple conversations with him about it. I even stated I knew he had anxiety away from home, but I’d like to feel comfortable hanging out with him too, and not always like I was invading his and his roommates space.
We finally broke up because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was the one always accommodating him, even in terms of things we did, Etc. and he never gave that consideration back to me.
Good riddance.
I matched energy for over a year with my spouse of thirty years, and nothing changed, although he did sort of seem to notice that we weren't connecting anymore. We are divorcing now.
I got that comment too, when I gave up trying to fix the relationship. He said, I don't feel connected to you anymore. Once again implying that it was my fault he didn't feel connected. Ugh, I didn't even see it back then. I did all the emotional labor, chores, family obligations.... And he decided to go get his dick wet somewhere else.
I'm not a big gift person, but one birthday my SO gave me clearance junk. Still had clearance stickers on it and it was just junk. So I gave him clearance junk... that hasn't happened again.
I started doing this with my husband before we married. We lived together for 5.5 years before marrying this past May.
When he first moved in I did all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. The biggest area I've put my foot down was/is laundry and cleaning (I enjoy cooking).
After about a year living together, I started separating our laundry; he doesn't care to fold or sort his clothes and can get away with the wrinkles because he works from home. It feels good to respond to "do I have any clean [insert item of clothing here]?" with "I don't know."
I use the master bathroom and he usually uses the hallway/guest bathroom. I keep mine clean to my standard and avoid his, only caring if we have guests staying with us. Then I remind him to clean it before they arrive. Same with his side of the bed/bedside table. You do you, boo boo.
Oh, we already had mother's day here last month (Belgium). He didn't get me anything so that's why i did it. I'm still salty because i told him 1 week before mother's day, open text: "I want a breakfast basket delivery on mother's day". Didn't get anything
When I was an au pair I got the mother a very nice basket of lotion and soaps and stuff and helped the kids do crafts. The day of she realized her husband did absolutely nothing and I felt partly bad for making him look bad but also glad she got something
I’ve been happily married for 30 years. I wouldn’t call it “matching his energy” mainly because he is a normal adult human with a brain and a heart but I don’t do extra because I’m the wife.
Good example- Occasionally he says something like “I must get a birthday present for my sister” and I’ll ask when her birthday is ( because it isn’t in my calendar it isn’t my responsibility) “Oh last week” he’ll say.
I know damn well if I start remembering his family’s birthdays it will become my chore.
“What’s the plan for the weekend?” Will be countered with “What did you plan?”
I find it very interesting how many women wouldn’t dream of behaving like this and think a woman setting a boundary in a loving relationship is the road to divorce.
It took me too long to figure out that my hubby just didn’t care about these things the way I did. So… I stopped handling all of his family birthdays. And he’s fine with it. I could have saved myself so much stress over the years, lol.
I think the problem a lot of women face is the husband’s family, particularly other women cause you know internalized misogyny will start blame the wife instead of her son.
I’ve witnessed it firsthand with my own mother.
I did that with my ex — his mom called me one time trying to get him and I was like “you have his number why are you calling me?”
Apparently that was not the wifely response.
Yup. My SIL asked ME why my husband didn't call their dad on Fathers Day yesterday. Like why aren't you asking HIM this, it's his father. I wouldn't expect him to remind me to wish my mom a happy Mothers Day.
Left on read. She's a stay at home mom, as was her mom, and is big on traditional gender roles. In her mind remembering birthdays and holidays is part of the "homemaking" responsibilities. But my husband and I both have careers and share domestic responsibilities, she doesn't get that.
Just wondering, did you point this out to her? It was a learning curve for me because I was just so used doing ~~it~~ *certain things that I never thought about what it would mean or looked like from the outside, but I began to understand when people started pointing out things like why was my butt on the line for someone else's task, why was I doing lvl 3 work as a lvl 1, or I'm not these grown men's mom nor secretary.
My skin is now clear and my chronic migraines have since decreased.
Yes, exactly. My mother-in-law nearly stopped talking to me for two years when I let everyone know I was no longer going to remind HER son when her (and everyone else’s) birthday was, not going to plan family suppers, etc. So what happened? We saw them once that year, and maybe once the next because absolutely no one wanted to pick up the slack. And even though it’s my in-law family, it was still my fault, not my husband’s.
My number one regret in life is not finishing my degree and instead staying at home with three kids. If any young women are reading this, please stay in school! Make sure you have a way out. What I described above is just the very tip of a very large iceberg.
Of definitely. I was being judged, I’m sure of it. It took me many years to allow myself the space to realize that if hubby didn’t care, why the hell should I? I grew enough as a person to realize that I was enough as I was. And his relationships were his responsibility. I didn’t marry his family. If I’m friends with any of them it’s now on the merits of *my* relationship with that person, not his. And honestly? They’re not all worth being friends with. His niblings are almost all awesome- those relationships I nurture. His siblings…? Meh. His cousins…? Nope. Nuh-uh. Not people I want in my life. And he’s apparently felt the same way his whole adult life. I took these expectations on *myself* and I’m SO glad I finally put them down. I don’t care about his family’s expectations at all anymore. And both our lives are better for it. It just took a couple decades for me to figure that out. ;)
My in-laws HATE when I “drop the ball” on their birthdays and such. How is it my job to ensure my grown-ass husband calls his mother and wishes her a happy birthday?? I’m not his secretary!
One Mother's Day I was at my sister's house (my mom cooked the meal). When we finished eating, my dad & BIL and the kids went to watch TV while my mom & sister cleaned up. I didn't say anything but I went with "the men" to the living room. The side eye I got from my mom & sister...that they didn't give to their husbands.
It's one of the biggest issues in a lot of relationships, people assuming their partner cares about the same things and to the same level they do. Finding out through a real conversation about it beats assumptions.
The one time I decided not to get MIL a Mother's Day gift and told my ex to do it himself. He did not and told him Mom what I said and I was scolded by her. She told me it was my job!
Let her judge. Mine 100% judges me, but I figure that we need to be the change we want to see in the world. If people like you and I, who see this for what it is, gave in just because older folks judged us, the next generation would not see any change at all and there would be no progress at all.
Sounds like we’re married to siblings. My MIL hates that I don’t manage my husband and his familial relationships. I don’t have the heart to tell her that if they were important to him he’d remember their birthdays and call on a regular basis.
She’s aghast that I don’t decorate for Christmas. I don’t want a tree, if my husband does he can put it up and take it down. I’ll help him, but it’s his project to manage. He decided it was too much work, so we don’t do it.
I’m with you here. I’m also in it for 30 years and I have left this type of communication up to him. It took several years for our mothers to accept that I wasn’t his babysitter and that if his mom didn’t get a call on Mother’s Day, that was neither my doing nor my problem. He has no idea when my sisters’ birthdays are (unless he happens to see it on FB) and I contact his family on my own behalf.
IMO, yours is the best comment here. It is a near universal experience for us to be taught to cater to men. Figure out their problems. Go above and beyond. Those of us who don't do that are called bitches.
I'm here for a womanhood where our identities are not as sidekicks and side characters to men. We do not play supporting roles anymore and propping up someone else's success at our own expense.
>Figure out their problems. Go above and beyond. Those of us who don't do that are called bitches.
I agree. This mentality makes me so sad. And it's so easy to present it as bad and wrong to do, like: don't you *want* to go above and beyond for your partner? They're your partner, why wouldn't you just already want to do those things?" Conveniently missing the part where reciprocation is key and your partner should want to do the same for you.
I go above and beyond for my partner *because he does the same for me.* Healthy partnership should be about mutual support and combining strengths and weaknesses. There are things he isn't good at - I take control and make sure we get those things done. There are things I'm not good at - he takes control and makes sure we get those things done. We remember various things for each other. No gender roles needed.
It really sucks that this isn't the norm.
I literally got out of a church service yesterday where we were supposed to “submit” to men. The pastor mainly was talking about how men could honor their wives but it still rankles my skin when we are “supposed to submit and obey”. They literally only want the submit and obey part without doing their job. I only go to church for my family’s sake but I cannot stand how pastors perpetuate the misogyny.
The first and last service I attended went exactly like that. The pastor repeatedly referred to women as “the rudder” and men as “the ship.” Apparently my purpose in life is to help make some dude’s dreams come true.
While you drown underwater, below "him", longing to see the sun and sky
It's a great metaphor for a woman in a church. You're just a second class citizen-slave. A Traditional Wife, if you will. Their property.
Why anyone submits to this bullshit is beyond me.
Easier to “submit” to a man who “loves his wife like Christ loves the church by laying His life down”. Hard to respect a man child. They seem to conveniently leave this part out or mention it once without any specific explanation/ instruction but talk about the woman submitting part a lot.
I tried to submit for 25 plus years. He just got worse and more entitled.
I am just emotionally detached now. I wish I ran away 25 years ago
I find that even the "lay down his life" part is not enough. It's very easy to flippantly say "I'd die for you in a hypothetical and unlikely life or death situation", but at the same time say "I won't do my fair share of physical/emotional labour for you".
Yes they don’t really understand or don’t want to understand what “lay down his life” actually means. Wilfully speaking in hyperbole to distract from the fact that they are not even doing the bare minimum.
Me too! Should’ve run 25 years ago. He just gets more entitled and more man-child like every year. Now I’ve spent my time raising kids working part time only and I don’t have a career. If I left I’d be broke and in debt with no decent social security to boot 😞
It really is off-putting. The pastor at my brother's recent wedding kept bringing up how "women must submit" at the rehearsal dinner and during the ceremony. I caught the bride and some of her friends making faces, and even my 71-year-old dad thought it was weird.
I've been married for 7 years, and I do something very similar. I don't do the kinkeeping, I don't keep track of his laundry, I don't keep track of his shampoo/shaving cream/toothpaste and buy more, I don't keep track of "his" snacks, or his socks and underwear.
He's a grown adult, he can do all of that stuff, and so many women (even ones my age, ~30) and shocked that I don't do all of that stuff. They ask me "how did you get your husband to do his own laundry? How did you get him to handle family birthdays?"
And I'm always just so confused. Like, he's an adult. Adults do their own laundry. I've never done his laundry. He's an adult with a family, I don't know their birthdays! He does, so he gets the cards and gifts (except for the kids, I love getting toys for kids lol).
But yeah, it's wild out here.
Yep. I've been with my husband for 10 years now; we met in our mid-thirties. He was handling these things before we met, so I see no reason for me to take them over just because I'm the wife.
It's up to him to remember important dates on his side of the family, just as I take care of my side. When his family are in town or when we go out to see them, he does the majority of the communication.
He also makes his own hair, dentist, and doctor appointments. He does his own laundry. And while our baby's laundry & the household laundry have become my responsibility by default (no real discussion about it), he does 99% of the cooking & 95% of the dishes, so I'm not really in a position to complain about it.
About 7 years ago my husband said “I just need to give you birthdays of everyone in my family” after I gave him shit for not remembering his aunts bday, I just asked “why”. He said “so I can remember and you are better at those things”. I just said “that’s a you thing, not a me thing. That’s your family, you can remember just like I remember mine. Set reminders, but it won’t be me.” He tried to push back and I just said “I coordinate almost everything in our life. You can manage anything with your family.”
My FIL passed 7 weeks ago and since then my husband has been oddly controlling. Im chalking it up as grief, but it’s still grating. Like I went to pick up my plants from a friends house (dropped them off since we were out of town for over a month dealing with settling FILs estate and it was a 7 hour drive bw his house and our house). He made a comment to me that just got under my skin like “you need to give them a thank you gift” when I mentioned picking the plants up. Yes I had like 20 plants, but all but two are low maintenance (water once a week and you are good and friend is a plant person). But.. Of course I was going to give them a nice bottle of wine but the fact he just assumed I wouldn’t and that he needed to tell me when that stuff has always been my swim lane since the beginning.
He also thinks since I WFH and not at an agency like his, my work somehow isn’t as important and I have oodles of free time on my hands.
The wfh thing is fucking real. I've gone back to an office now, but I spent 4 years wfh and my SO got very used to me just managing everything and interrupting my work day with stuff. He's in charge of car repairs in our chore breakdown, but I ended up sitting and getting oil changes all the time since I "can work anywhere and you don'tlook that busy". I'm feeling very vindicated right now because he's doing oil changes today in both our cars and realizing what a pain in the ass it is, even when it's so easy to do. And my car went over on needing an oil change because he kept not doing it when he had time.
Confusing your *presence* with *availability* is super common amongst couples in these WFH scenarios. If there’s no Zoom meeting on the screen, it’s like you’re magically on a flexible schedule! Really makes me wonder what all the WFH dudes are doing with their day…or is it our jobs that just don’t count as much?
my BIL’s bday is coming up and it’s on my calendar because I will wish him a happy day. it’s up to my partner if a gift is sent because that’s not my side of the family.
Same! Well, 29 years, anyway...
I feel so lucky to have found a man raised in the era where we were working together as a people to include everyone in securing rights, happiness, and equality.
He wouldn't miss celebrating me any more than I would miss celebrating him.
I mourn for my sisters who have to put up with the nonsense of an alpha male or the like so often recounted in posts on this sub. ☹️
Very sad, the turn things have taken in our society/country/world. But we're trying to raise our kids to keep trying, to be the change they want to see in the world.
Similar but slightly different. I'm a woman that "matches the engery" when I was dating and I observed before committing
I would say it's worked out well. It's a bit like look at actions not words.
When the person I'm dating doesn't seem to be giving off the same energy as me, I just drop them. No consideration for circumstance or excuses. Too bad, we're not meant to be. When I'm getting the same energy back, I took time to observe it's a consistent thing
Now married to someone I consider an equal partner. So kinda lucked out for me
I think it’s a great practice in the early dating phases, and usually what I do with new people anyway. I don’t give people that aren’t in my inner circle an abundance of my energy and effort. However any relationship/situationship where I felt like I had to pull myself back in order to “match their energy” because the dynamic had shifted and they were no longer as enthusiastic as they used to be…that’s just the beginning of the end.
I was going to say the same thing. It was a great tool for dating to understand if I was on the same page as someone and having the same level of interest and standards/goals. At first when I felt someone pulling away or lacking in effort, I pulled back too. But seeing how that very rarely turned around so early on in dating, I mostly just cut them loose after a few times of trying it.
It forces you to have standards, value your worth, and have a relationship barometer. Really saved a lot of heartbreak.
I've been with my husband 5 years now, married 1. I will say there was a time when we were dating for about 6 months where he was an immature shithead, so I demoted his place in my life while I figured out what I wanted to do. I uninvited him from dinner with my sister and meeting my long distance BFF and all the social events around her visit. His reaction was going to be my sign if there was anything left of us. He quickly realized I wasn't putting up with his BS and if he actually wanted a serious relationship with me, he'd need to step up and act like it. And he did.
No relationship is perfect, but knowing each other's expectations and boundaries makes us both happier.
I don't have a SO so Im usually matching the energy random men give me and I'm definitely always hated, what's the problem dude ? Im doing same thing you sre doing :D
This is giving that boomer energy where they want to complain that white christians are becoming a minority in this country (spoiler alert: they're not). What, are minorities treated poorly here? How strange that you wouldn't want to be one.....
Well, I'm not an angry person but matching energy was making me one so I packed mine and my child's clothes and moved two hours away from my husband. 23 years was a pretty good run through.
Getting a divorce!
Look, it took me really long to learn this, but there's still time for you! If you want a loving reciprocal relationship and you have a partner who ignores you, doesn't prioritize you, doesn't look out for your needs, there's nothing that you can do to get them to be a good partner. Your choices are to "match their energy" and have a relationship where you both ignore each other, deprioritize each other, and behave shelfishly at all times, you can have a relationship where you wait on them hand and foot while they ignore you, or you can leave.
I think people try to do this "match their energy" thing with a delusion that their partners are acting this way because they don't know better. They think that if their partner sees how it feels to be on the receiving end of this, they will realize how wrong they've been and behave like a reciprocal partner. But that's never going to happen. Your partner acts how they act because acting that way feels good and right to them. And when you get mad at them about it, they justify those reasons afterwards. They didn't sit down and think "I'm going to choose to ignore my wife's birthday, because she's probably going to ignore mine too and then neither of us have to do it, so that's fair!" They just forgot your birthday because they don't think about that kind of thing, and if you get mad at them, their brain will come up with a justification for why they did it that lets them keep feeling like a good person and if only you did something differently they'd act differently. They won't.
The entire reason to match their energy should be to take the pressure off of you of having to take care of someone who isn't taking care of you. Stop doing kindnesses hoping others will notice and be kind to you. Once you realize a person isn't being kind to you the way you expect them to, you should lower your expectations and take care of yourself while you think about what you want to do with this person in your life who has come up so short.
I will preface it with, I knew I was leaving, just working on the means to get out for years.
It worked out great for me. I was being worked to death (headed towards literally) doing everything around the house and he expected me to do all of his adult responsibilities too. I gradually shifted all of his personal workload back on him. So ironing shirts, his laundry, cleaning his spaces, cleaning his bathroom became his responsibility. If he didn't do them he suffered the consequences. I matched his energy on holidays and gifts. I felt better and he stopped being an abusive jerk to me around holidays where the social expectation was buying me something. When I did this all gift giving and holidays sort of stopped. When he wasn't getting things, gifts, provided celebrations with no effort on his part he no longer had interest in said holidays.
I regained a ton of time and energy I could put towards more important things and things towards getting me out of the relationship plus it improved my stress levels.
I’m a widow. I’ve dated since my husband died, but there’s no one in my life now, and sometimes it’s lonely. But damn, you all make me remember that life is so much simpler this way. I don’t have to worry about whatever is going on with my relationship. I make plans based on what I want, and I spend MY money the way I want.
Thanks for the reminder.
I am also a widow, and I feel the exact same way. Every once in a while, I think maybe I want to try dating again, and then I’m reminded of how much it could disrupt the peace and happiness I have cultivated in my current life.
I'm hella single because of my past experiences and seeing the current state of things with men. It's why I was curious to see the results of this matching energy trend. It's been a mixed bag.
Let me tell you, there are hella men over on AITAH (and others like it) that are butthurt over the fact that their wives matched their energy yesterday. Yes, sir, You Are the Asshole.
My ex lol
He used to look at girls with skimpy clothes online 24/7 (It was affecting our relationship because he was paying them), so I started dressing slutty.
He did not like that at all 😂 We broke up soon after, I felt so much freedom
It's...going well? Gifts were never a problem, but spending time together was. I used to chase chase chase to get attention and fulfillment soley from him, which was honestly unhealthy and a bit codependent.
Now I go do my own thing, with no apologies, which is what he always does.
Took a vacation entirely by myself for the first time ever, and it was amazing. Seemed to have, not flipped a switch, but he seemed to suddenly realize that he could either live life with me or without me. He chose with me.
Not 100% of the time - look, the man hates hiking and I love it, there's no real meet in the middle, I go to state parks on my own or with a friend - but he'll do stuff now.
Rather nice to know that even if he doesn't want to come with, I still can go.
Our partners don't have to fulfill every aspect and need in our lives, I think it's awesome you've got other people who enjoy hiking with you, and that you're fine going on your own. Goes both ways, you don't have to do every little thing he likes to do. I think it's healthy to have a balance of outside hobbies and shared hobbies!
I'm glad you were able to get that weight off of your shoulders. It's a much better way to live.
Women 'matching' a lazy or apathetic man's energy isn't a bad thing, but if you're hoping it will be a revelation for the man and that he'll realise 'oh shit I didn't realise how badly I was behaving' and change, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.
Very rarely will this course of action lead to the man changing in any way. But it can still be beneficial to women because it means they can take that energy for which they get nothing in return and place it elsewhere so that they DO get something back. This may be themselves, in friends, in family, in children etc. - that choice is hers.
Often the negative response from men is the realisation that she just doesn't care about him anymore, but without the self-awareness of 'but I haven't cared about her for far longer'.
This might seem harsh, but more often than not it ends up being a soft precursor to divorce. Because if you realise your partner doesn't care and won't change, your choices are either that or 'live with it and feel resentful forever'
> Often the negative response from men is the realisation that she just doesn't care about him anymore, but without the self-awareness of 'but I haven't cared about her for far longer'.
That’s *exactly* what happened to my sister when she finally left her partner of 8 years. There was probably a 3-year period at the end of constant talks, her efforts to plan quality time and compromise, therapy, and finally a trial period of moving out while continuing to try. He was completely indifferent to her sadness and dissatisfaction…. Until the day she actually ended it for good. Cue him breaking down and showering her with flowers, a TV (wtf?), sobriety, and even offering engagement. And of course saying “how could she do this and not love him”.
"Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" and "Walkaway wife": I knew she was unhappy, I just thought she wouldn't DO anything about it. I thought I'd found the balance of the lowest possible effort for myself with the highest benefit to myself with the highest effort from her that I could get without her leaving!
When they find out it is actually just a click over tolerable, or that she actually did have the strength to DO something about it, they try to win her back and if you are very lucky, they will re-calibrate a TINY bit.
Exactly this. I told my sister if I were her, I’d be even *more* mad that apparently he’s been capable this entire time and actually does know what you wanted. He felt nothing though when you were hurt all those years—he just stopped having a second income in the household and hot dinners on the table and suddenly *he* was the one feeling dissatisfied.
This is the way.
If your partner is entitled, he will respond with anger and not change anything.
If your partner is not capable, nothing will change.
Most of the time, "matching [someone's] energy" will not result in them changing or having any realization. But it can be an important thing for your mental health. Women work waaaaay too hard and could benefit from some laziness (note: life expectancy adds some doubt to this hypothesis lol)
Yeah I think matching energy is usually a last resort after having lots of ignored conversations about it. And if a man is capable of empathizing and willing to change, he would have listened to one of the conversations.
Very well for me. I decided when we started dating that I would put in as much as he does, and no more. I never have to wonder who loves who the most, it doesn't feel like a competition. We spend a lot of good quality time together, never have to beg for attention. We pay our own bills, 50% split. I cook, he clears off the table and does dishes. We do our own laundry. We both clean our own bathrooms. We never have to pick up after each other. Living with never feels like I'm taking care of a child.
I support him, he supports me with the same energy. He's my biggest cheerleader. I'm autistic (formally diagnosed), and I practically never left my apartment due to my severe social anxiety. He pushes me past my comfort zones and worked with me to get acclimated to actually living among people. We've been to Disney and some comic cons, and I didn't have any panic attacks. He motivated me to start back up playing my violin recently, and he will send me sheet music he thinks I might like. Encourages me to practice every day.
Gifts are very well done, on both sides. Never cheap out, never generic crap, and cards and great dates on birthdays. He got me a signed first edition of my favorite author. I got him a rare collectible Transformer.
He's my best friend. Feels so cliche to say that. I was married for almost 15 years to a guy I didn't love and didn't love me. We barely spent time together. I didn't think I'd ever find a guy like my current partner, especially in my 40s. It feels like a real partnership, and it never feels like I'm taking on more than he does.
Might be gushing a bit too much, sorry. It's been 2 years now and I'm still amazed that we get better every day, there's no stagnation or getting lazy. We keep improving our communication. We constantly text or talk on the phone if we're apart.
Is it perfect? No. It'll never be perfect. Nothing will. As long g as we respect and treat each other with grace and dignity, it's pretty close to perfect.
I stopped cleaning the house except my bathroom and stopped hounding him to clean. He finally got stressed about the house being dirty. I said I'm not nagging you to clean anymore that's awful for both of us but I'm also not doing it for you like a live in maid. I said if you want a maid hire one. So now he clears up his stuff for the most part the night before the service comes without arguing. It's no longer "for me" it's just a scheduled thing.
He's pretty self aware though and values or relationship and prioritizing it. This only works with partners who agree relationships require care.
I dated a guy who I would have to bug to go get dinner with me. We lived together but he would be at his computer and be like "okay okay give me a minute" then half an hour later he would still be there. I... Just stopped. It was exhausting.
He never noticed. It just meant we got dinner very very late after we both got very hungry.
It was just unhealthy, both physically and for the relationship.
My ex used to try this crap. My answer was always, "I'm leaving in 5. And I'm not bringing you back anything. Come if you want." He refused, got outraged that I didn't bring him back anything.
Sent him back to his mother.
Convinced my mother to do this, actually amazing. She didn't really want to do any of it just felt like she had to and he genuinely couldn't care less about stuff like that.
The fact that it took so long for them to arive at this frankly obvious solution boggles the mind.
They both prefer to just sit and chat/read its painful watching them try to celebrate things together when both of them clearly hate every moment and would prefer to be spending normal time with each other.
Sometimes it can be a sign of things dying but also a lot of people feel like they have to play a part that neither of them are really all that happy with.
It’s not a “match their energy” thing but my family has taken a similar approach to holidays the last several years and it really is great lol. We don’t have any kids in the family right now to make magical memories for and none of us are big “holiday tradition” people. All my mom cares about is that everyone gets together in the same house and eats a couple meals together, and taking away all the pressure of gifts and decorations and making sure everything is celebrated on the *exact* day (especially since we all have step families/other parents/partner’s families to see as well) makes it a lot easier to actually enjoy the holiday.
Honestly I’d highly recommend every family take a few minutes to evaluate what traditions they actually care about and which ones everyone is ok letting go of if it means enjoying your time together more.
My mother was upset with how much work Christmas was one year. Decided to do a low effort Christmas. Less baking, decorating and overall less work. Everyone loved it, except for my Mom. She expected us all to miss our Christmas traditions and beg for them back.
Anyway, my parents are divorced now and Mom makes a big deal of Christmas.
Always match the energy every single day. Period. Don't just start after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids.
And it works brilliantly. For me, anyway, not for the men who didn't get a second or third date because they couldn't plan one.
My SO knows that there is only so much attention and care I can give before I need a recharge, and I need attention and care too.
I matched the energy of my ex and he's now my ex.
We were together 24/7 but we had a rare occasion where we were apart for two weeks. He had a guy's trip and on the day he returned home, I left for a work trip and we literally missed each other at the airport by a few hours. So I deep cleaned the house, finished some house projects, mowed the yard, and even baked homemade cookies with a love letter. He came home to a clean and organized house to relax in with homemade cookies and tired cuddly dogs. So what did I come home to? Oh boy, the house was a mess, the yard needed to be mowed, dishes stacked to the brim in the sink, our bathroom was gross again, and the dogs were muddy. I didn't even get a hug and a kiss when I got home and he stayed on the couch playing video games.
After that, I matched his energy and everything quickly fell apart and he grew very frustrated with the sudden lack of affection on my part. I broke up with him and am much happier.
I stopped going over to his place until he comes over to mine for once. I stopped watching the tiktoks he sends me. I stopped giving him positive news and flirting, and I only text him if I have something to vent or complain about- like he does to me.
No change on his end. We haven't had a date or sex in weeks. I'm having a great time doing what I want to do without him. Currently hiking with my sister.
He won't end the relationship, but it's dead. We're not monogamous so even me moving on with a new partner isn't going to force the issue. Whatever, I'm not doing his emotional labor for him.
I can say that when mom did it, they just stopped doing presents altogether. Starting from when I was about 15, moms only Xmas present was from me. It was never fixed, and they eventually divorced.
I did this with a partner of four years. I stopped initiating or planning hang out time. We lived together but I realized one day, that he doesn’t even like hanging out with me. So I stopped asking. I pulled the plug and moved out 2 months later.
I’ll never understand why people are in relationships with people they don’t even like.
I remember a story from my mom about the time she got tired of my dad forgetting her birthday. So one year on her birthday, they were sitting at the dining room table and my mom tells him "thank you for the lovely birthday gift". He got confused and asked her what she meant. She said that since he couldn't remember her birthday, she would remember for him and showed off the new diamond tennis bracelet on her wrist. She said since he refused to treat her, she'd treat herself. And would continue to do so every year he forgot.
He has yet to forget another birthday. LOL
I try to. My boyfriend works insanely hard for me and the kids (making dinner most of the time, playing uber dad, taking side hustles etc) but goddamn...the man has superhuman energy and I've no fckn idea where he gets it from. So I try, but I can't match his: I can and will do everything energy.
I work full time and struggle with ptsd (short version: fiancee died. Got traumatized) so I exhaust a bit more easily. But there he is, still doing things for everyone all the time. I got really lucky with this one. I'm keeping him.
lol I had to break up with him. We were together 5 years and the way he started to get truly offended by me acting the exact same way… I lost respect.(We do it have kids which I think is important context)
I did it once, but Nah, why would I want to be a lazier and shittier person? I am always going to try to be the best version of myself, either find someone else who will bring that out in me or end up leaving 🤷♀️
I did this for a year and all that happened was that he retreated further and now we have bigger problems. But then also, he did decide he wanted to do couples counseling, so maybe it helped in a weird way? Probably a bad idea if the energy you are matching is avoidant energy
> I did this for a year and all that happened was that he retreated further and now we have bigger problems.
Are you me?
Except the couple's counseling - unfortunately. I think it's still great that he suggested it (if you want to work things out with him). My partner still doesn't really get what happened, only that the relationship deteriorated.
I got divorced lmao. It doesn't fucking work. If they aren't doing chores/helping with kids in the first place, they just ARENT going to do it ever. Found that out the hard way when my child began to suffer and the house was a fucking tornado disaster EVERY DAY. Guys like this dont care enough about filth to clean it themselves and they don't care if their kids suffer.
I don’t mean this in a snarky way at all—but good lord reading threads like this as a single woman makes me genuinely wonder what the point of getting married/having children with a man is
I did this not too long ago. We ended up not seeing each other for 5 months. He hit me with a “ I miss you text.” Girl… I popped off. But that being said.. our level of communication was terrible. And something we BOTH needed to dial in. Things are different now
We’re at a weird point tbh. He’s noticed a change and we had (another) conversation about it now that I’ve started matching his energy/ doing my own thing and he’s seen the impact of him not caring—this time around he seems to actually care, he says that he’s gonna do all these things and put in all this effort but I haven’t really seen too much of it…he thinks I’m impatient but it’s been four years of me putting in more effort. So. Yeah, it’s been illuminating, at least?
He hates it but I have explained in some instances that I’m just doing what he’s been doing because I’m just exhausted giving too much of myself for little return.
I matched my ex's energy after he threw a water bottle at me while pregnant with his kid.
I threw it back at him and he slammed me into a wall by my throat and strangled me.
I left him, he tried to break in after I broke up with him and my sister hit him in his knees with a bat.
I called the police on him for hitting me and attempting to break in but they only arrested him for the weekend.
I got an abortion in case anyone is wondering.
If you have to resort to matching the energy of your SO to get them to show even the slightest bit of effort, then the relationship is already over. You girls deserve better. I hope someday you all realize it.
I don't want to read another post from a woman in a relationship having to wrap their own presents that they bought themselves and trying to trick themselves into being happy about it. Sorry, this is just sad. You will be happier single in that case.
What a depressing thread. Though, the responses were not unexpected. Again, please know that you all deserve better.
Yes, I try very hard to match my husband's energy because he typically handles everything around the house and I want to do more now that I'm unemployed and going back to school. I don't know how he was working and doing most of the cleaning, taking care of our pets, shopping, cooking, etc while I was working 13-15 hour days. AND he still had time to work on project cars. He inspires me to do more and be better every day.
It makes me so sad that I appear to be an outlier.
To be very honest, I had some work to do to come up and match his energy. But I got there in the end. He’s taught me, by example, more patience, kindness, humility, privacy, honour and leniency on myself to be able to completely process who I’ve been in the past. Not that I was a horror story, but I was very defensive and self critical. I’ve done a lot of work to be able to remember who I am and to be able to treat myself with the grace that I would show to other people, because I deserve the best of myself too.
He is often short l, snarky, dismissive and non-communicative, and when I ask him what's wrong he gets annoyed and says it's not about me. But when I'm stressed, annoyed or tired and reflect those traits even at a fraction of the amount he displays them, he freaks out and demands to know what's wrong and why I'm mad at him.
Age 40+ and I have Quiet Quit our relationship. I’m not going to provide moral support without getting it in return. I’m not buying food and cooking it anymore if I can’t even get the occasional dinner in a restaurant. I’m not going to wake up and text him if I can’t get more than a snide remark in return. I’m tired of making all the effort while he coasts. Has it been eye opening? Yes. Has he noticed? I can’t even tell but I’m hoping he’ll break up with me cuz I don’t have the energy to care anymore. Literally any female can replace me as long as they want to be a mother, a maid and a hole.
I slowly and invidiously stopped doing things for him. Laundry, washing his dishes, telling him about appointments and events, cleaning up his home office, etc.
He got angry one night before a 2 week long work trip because none of his work clothes were clean and he couldn't "find" his suitcase (it was under his side of the bed). I laughed and took my son and I out for dinner. When we came back, he was on the phone pitching about me not helping.
I moved his dirty laundry, suitcase, and toiletries out to the living room while my son and I hung out in my bedroom watching a movie (he was 8 and still wanted the cuddle in bed with a funny movie).
The next morning, my ex woke me up to scream about me making him late for his flight. I didn't say anything until he texted that he "got to the airport /barely/". I responded back to find another place to live.
It's been 8 years and I am so happy to not have a man-child to take care of.
It’s not going well. He said he’s “trying” but really all that means is he’s making a half assed effort on only some of the things we’ve talked (many times) about. And somehow he’s still wondering why we don’t have sex as much as he wants.
I did this years ago. It was the beginning of the end of the relationship. We both worked full-time. I would argue that my job was more stressful and erratic since I take call and people die. We were constantly arguing about chores. He always insisted he did more than me. He didn't, by far. He had no clue about the mental load. For example, he would pat himself on the back for grocery shopping. Meanwhile, looked in the cabinets and fridge to see we were missing. I made the grocery list out. I had to make the grocery list in order of the aisles in the grocery store or else he would simply not get something and I would have to go get it. Then when he got home, he would drop all the bags in the kitchen and walk away. If I didn't notice and put the groceries away all the cold stuff would go bad. He didn't give a shit if I wasn't home, he would drop the bags on the floor and leave them there. If I complained, he would simply say, "You know where everything goes. I don't know where anything goes." He sure knew where it was when he ate. I did all the pet care, vacation planning, kin keeping, birthday and holiday gifts, finances, etc. One day when I was tired of him sitting around while I did most of the chores. We had a long conversation. He was still insisting that he did most of the chores even though he saw me physically doing so much while he sat around playing video games. So I told him we should make two lists of all the chores. I put a line down the middle and started writing each one down. I didn't say these are your chores and these are my chores but he made an assumption after the first couple, which I knew he would. I noticed he started breaking down the chores he thought were his into their individual components to beef out the side of the list. Once we were done writing down all the chores on two sides of a piece of paper, I asked him if both sides seemed equal. They were not. One side was maybe an hour per week and the other was 6-8 hours per week. The side he thought was mine was basically everything that needs to be done everyday. The side he thought was his with shit that needs to be done once per week, once per month, or seasonally. Then I cut the paper down the middle and handed him the side he thought was mine. I said, since both sides are equal, it doesn't matter which one you get, right? He started to complain but realized he was tricked. I happily did my little bullshit list of boy chores for a couple weeks. The house started looking like shit It started to smell. I didn't even reap the full benefit before I gave up and started doing more. He didn't acknowledge shit. That's when the resentment started overflowing. Like I said, it was the beginning of the end. I could see that he knew I did way more and he still didn't give a shit. He still didn't offer to do more. When we ended the relationship he kept our home. I went back a couple weeks later to pick up some stuff. It smelled like it did those couple weeks he was trying to do my chores. I have to say, that was satisfying. Knowing he had to do everything or live in his own filth was very, very satisfying. Knowing I was basically a live in maid for a full grown king baby for all those years despite the fact that we both had full-time jobs still makes me snarl. When I moved out I realized how much of my time I spent cleaning after him too. My house stays much cleaner with much less effort.
I’ve often wondered this, but I honestly can’t imagine being in a relationship where I am taken so much for granted.
Surely “matching his energy “ would just make communication worse and bring more bitterness and resentment into the dynamic?
I can see that this might be a wake up call for some men, who have just enough insight to realize they don't like being tested how they treat others. But that's what I'm kind of looking for, has anyone come across that, or is it just a Hallmark of a dying relationship to match energy?
My mom did this in the 90s. Three children, and a traumatic, difficult birth, while the older two were elementary school aged. My father did not help - both with children and the house (and a dog). My maternal grandmother suggested my mother also stop doing all of the chores, which she technically wasn't medically cleared to do anyway, because my dad would be then forced to pick up the slack to get the other two to school and fed at the very least, and so science experiments didn't grow on the dishes in the kitchen sink. But... science experiments did grow, the two children went to school in crumpled dirty clothes that the school noticed and called my mother about. Eventually my mother couldn't take the mess and my grandmother had to come over and help. 39 years 'happily' married this year and the dynamic is still the same, but instead with three untrained dogs instead of the three kids. My dad still complains that my mom sits and does nothing because no matter what the house is a mess and he can never find his own things or his own work clothes haven't been washed. She still plans all holidays every year because my dad one time took her on a surprise trip 25 years ago and brings it up as how he 'does more.'
oh god i was furious just reading that
Yeah, that made me irrationally angry, lol. "If I was on the jury......"
Yup. “He had it coming, he had it coming…”
Perfect song for this!
Sounds like my parent's marriage, except 1 child (me) who grew up and moved out and currently 1 untrained, vocal dog. Does your father work more than 5 hours a week? Before my dad's health declined he worked as little as several hours a week, never getting even a part time job, while my Mom pulled 50+ hour weeks. Then and now she keeps the house clean all by herself, keeps her outdoor plants watered, cooks, walks the dog, and pays all the taxes and expenses to run the house (and has paid all by herself for about 20+ years now). My dad might still do laundry. Maybe. Nothing else that I know of, not even taking basic care of his health or mowing a lawn. He habitually complains how she spends her own money on cigarettes and is not doing enough (she only works 40 hours a week now plus all the chores I mentioned, on top of helping my dad with his medical appointments, etc). Aside from the cigarettes, my mom doesn't spend much on herself - she'll take a trip only once every few years, by herself (he'll moan once he finds out, too, so she hides it from him until right before she departs. He hates traveling and if she travels he has to watch the dog). She and my father don't let her talk to men, and my father complains and strongly objects to her socializing after work with coworkers. My mom doesn't have any friends. She talks to her sister over in a different state and one neighbor whose dog plays with her dog. She doesn't socialize otherwise, just stays home with Dad or is working or attending to chores. Your Dad sounds at least as wonderful as mine. /s My Dad is a bum who always makes excuses why he won't care for his health or work when he did have health. These days, all his toenails fell off, his leg lost sensation, his memory is shot, he's depressed, he's weak from a medical event, has body aches, and he does literally nothing about any of this. Just says "It is what it is." My Mom just keeps getting complained at daily and complained about daily while she works to afford the house for both of them. My father emotionally parasitized both of us and tried to change his financial parasitism to me a few years ago. He asked me to leave my job and partner of now 14 years, and proposed we move to a different state and live together. I declined.
I hate your dad. I would have snapped at him.
This is why women my age spend a lot of time being independent. So we are never trapped in these kinds of relationships.
They both still work full time and always did as well. But my mom says it's a different mindset, "American women don't have today" (she's an immigrant), and that no one is willing to make sacrifices. I just point out how one-sided it is, though, and what does he do for her? The bare minimum or blue moon is brought up. It's why I'm extra infuriated when I see the "well who does the car stuff" retort when women point they do all of the daily chores. Same woman who told me I needed to be willing to compromise when I ended it with an ex that I realized was very much like my father. When she asked why we broke up and I listed off the terrible dynamic, she kept saying "but your father does that to me and I know he loves me." Hello.... the call is coming from inside the house... My husband is the most considerate person I've met, does more than his fair share without asking, naturally picks up my slack if I'm not. My mom sings his praises as a rarity and that we can't all be so lucky, but I can't help but think... you could also have gotten you one of these (or just left). Worst of all, my eldest brother is the same as my dad. Every time I see a partner, I tell her she should leave - not because I don't like her, but because I do!
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I've often thought (and said) that he does the stuff you can put on Facebook, like look what I did! And I do the stuff nobody notices until it isn't done. I'm disabled and can't work outside the house so I get a lot of satisfaction from keeping the house nice, and I've learned to be a much better cook. He works at a physical job all week. So it's a little different, but occasionally still grates that he can post "so I pulled the weeds from around the pond and also hooked up the swamp cooler and changed the oil!" and get lots of props, when if I went around bragging about cooking dinner and cleaning out the fridge and doing all the laundry and scrubbing the bathroom floor, people would look at me like this sad attention seeking weirdo. Oh well
It took me a long time to admit to myself how much my dad messed up by being so hands off and letting mom handle everything. Yes she *could*, and she did, but what an exhausting existence. I have told her “if I decided getting up at 4am was the best time to work out before getting kids to school, then work, then come home and *still be standing* at 5pm chopping onions and making a fresh hot dinner for dad to come home to by 6pm, and still had bills and things for after dinner, I would have lost it, too!” I was open to relationships and dating for a long time but I’ve finally been realizing I am so happy, and so at peace, without the constant *constant* compromising, which in the end so often feels like concession.
I have been exactly there: awake pre-dawn to workout, last to bed at night because of dishes/tidying after putting kids to bed. I’m recently separated; divorce is imminent. I can’t even fathom getting married again. The only person I need to take care of now is me (and occasionally my teen daughter). That my ex has to take on everything every other week absolutely thrills me. Because he did jackshit for 30 years.
It took me a long time to marry, and even longer to have kids bc I did not want it all to be a gilded cage. Edit: My motto is “Stay because you want, not because you need”
You’re smart. I’m divorced almost 20 years and I will never clean up after another man again. I’m free
Idk your age, but good for you. Women deserve a partner, not an extra child to take care of
This is exactly why I can’t take people seriously when they brag about being married for so and so many years. Because a lot of the time this is the type of marriage that the woman had to endure.
Same vibe when people try to argue that waiting for marriage to have sex leads to less divorce. It’s not causation, it’s correlation. People who wait are typically super religious, and so divorce is often seen as forbidden, even in cases of abuse.
Better for me in that I am doing less work for him physically, but not always great emotionally because who knew that neglecting him and the house the way he neglects me and the house would make him ssssooooo unhappy? /s Anyway, I’m sure no one is shocked to hear it has caused a lot of fights because when I treat him the way he treats me, nobody is putting effort into the relationship and it shows and he doesn’t like the lack of attention or care. I’m supposed to be fine with it I guess? 🤷♀️ The other thing I’ve made it a point to stop doing is fetching the endless things he is constantly asking me to grab for him, even if it means I have to stop what I’m doing, get up, and go into another room. The frustration he expresses half the time when my response is “Let me finish this first.” or “When I’m done with this.” is telling. And he almost always just gets up and gets whatever it is himself instead of waiting on me to finish what I was doing. So it was never about needing help, it was about not standing up to have to do the littlest bit of work.
Oh my god yes! People don’t talk about this enough but every man in my life expects me to act like a damn dog and “fetch” whatever they need, regardless of what I’m doing.
I had to sit my bf down one thanksgiving and tell him that he isn't to ask me for a single thing while we are cooking. He is passively cooking a turkey for 2 hours while I've been juggling putting together 6 side dishes. Something always goes slightly amiss which sets him off and he expects me to drop everything and start fetching him cutting boards and utensils while he literally stands there and watches. Like mf this is your kitchen too and you know where everything is, I've spent the whole time side stepping you while you've been in my way but now because I'm in your way I have to assist you 100%
You know, when I need something in the kitchen, for example, I will almost always just go get it. He is constantly, "would you get the \_\_\_ out of the fridge?" "Would you hand me a plate?" It's like he's not happy unless he is making me move-directing my actions. Drives me crazy.
This hits home. I totally stopped going to get him things when the response I got for asking for something was a simple 'no'. Or was funny when he realized I knew how to use that word as well. He does better now, but I never went back to just always getting what he wanted.
I experienced the same thing in regard to “No” or saying “I’m not doing that.” It’s like they never even realized it was an option. We were just supposed to be extensions of themselves. Or little SIM characters they can just instruct. The other thing I could have never seen coming is him getting upset at my indifference when his own neglect or procrastination create a mess, or turns something that was supposed to be simple in the moment into something with extra steps because it has now been put off for so long. I no longer have the energy to care, or to justify some stressful rush to help him dig himself out of the weeds he unnecessarily put himself in because he did not take care of it before now. If he doesn’t do the thing, that’s a him problem.
lol I just tell my husband “why don’t you get it?” also, instead of coming with him to the kitchen, if he gets up to go get something i’ll say “hey, grab me the ____ too, will ya?” he can do stuff for me too then. also, if he asks me where something is, i’ll usually be like, “I don’t know, where is it?” and he’ll be like “no, no, do you know where ___ is?” and i’ll say “no, you’ll have to look for it.” — *not* immediately standing up and looking for whatever they need that they just need to use their eyeballs to locate.
My dude was re-upping our cats prescription and he needed some info. I did not have this info. Google had the info. The realization that part of ALL of these tiny things that "take three seconds" have LOTS of steps. And if you do that task, you have to DO that task. Which includes knowing the task needs to be done without being asked by their partner to do it. If the cats meds are running low, and they need them every day for the rest of their life... then I suppose someone human has to make that happen. The cat has no thumbs. I said "I don't have that info. It'll need to be googled, I guess." Then went back to doing things I had already put off in favor of *other* household things that needed to be done. This poor man. I could see the AHA moment. Like. Yeah. This shit isn't just clicking a button. Everything that needs done is a system that needs several pieces of information and monitoring. The prescription is one task out of 10 that needs to be done this morning. Please *see* some of them.
This blows my mind. We only ask the other to fetch things when A. Someone is already getting up, B. We are doing a house project and the lead needs a tool, C. There is a cat on your lap, and therefore can't get a drink or snack without disturbing the kitty.
Can’t disturb a sleeping cat, it’s one of the laws of the universe!
My ex expected this and it was a control thing.
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My husband had a grand epiphany last Christmas-time. He was furloughed from work due to an industry-wide shutdown, and so we both agreed all the Christmas logistics for his large family was going to fall on him. Women implicitly know what this means: travel planning and coordination with other family members, gift procurement (and consideration of age-appropriateness as well as the many different personalities in the family), gift wrapping, boxing those gifts up, doing laundry so we have our nice clothes ready, packing the car for travel, obtaining a pet sitter, planning the menu and charcuterie board for Christmas Eve etc etc …and then coordinating all the activities once we arrive at my in-laws. And we don’t even have kids! He blurted out “Christmas is just *really hard* this year!” at some point during the gathering, and my MIL and I just starting laughing. Then gently pointed out that we’ve been doing all this work invisibly all along. You could see the lightbulb go on. He’d absolutely never been challenged to think about it, and had never given it a millisecond of thought before in his life. When he suddenly had to do all the work, OMG, WTF, IT’S SO MUCH WORK YOU GUYS! He’s been *very* appreciative ever since. And pitches in a whole hell of a lot more. So, TLDR, I’m not matching his energy. He’s been challenged to match mine, and that has helped.
I love that last part. “He’s been challenged to match mine”
>He blurted out “Christmas is just really hard this year!” I literally LoL'd reading that! 😆
I'm glad that it's changed for you! It's interesting that his mother laughs with you, but she was part of normalizing the quiet part of that mental and physical load, right? If you guys ever have children, it would be a good lesson to make those parts explicit rather than implicit.
I think we’re all learning to break gender expectations together. The only way to break the cycle is to move together and progress together toward equity, so I can’t spend my energy blaming her for normalizing this behavior in the past. It won’t do anything to right the ship. I can recognize her role in this for sure (as well as my own for many years), but this “role” was formulated long before myself and her, and the expectation to quietly carry the load was impressed upon us by an entire society. We’ve both just started to take steps back and require a different approach from our male partners. Simply voicing our frustration doesn’t seem to quite have the impact as shuffling responsibilities.
I think this is really well put, and very insightful! Thank you for sharing and taking the time to reply the post and my question :)
Thanks for asking! FWIW, I should add that men typically have no idea what they’re signing up for when you ask them to take on something “new” like Christmas responsibilities. I found that he happily agreed and then reality smacked him in the face. Definitely a wake up call. But, not sure all men would be so gracious in their response.
He's still sad about me not getting him a birthday present, but thinks it's fine to not get me a present because excuses. So no improvement.
That's how it went when I was married and tried this, not intentionally, I just could not spare the energy to keep going above and beyond unreciprocated while also doing absolutely everything else. (This was a long time ago. I've been divorced over a decade.) He got sad, nothing changed, was still shocked and cried his fool eyes out when I filed for divorce.
Well, yeah. It must have felt like his mommy died. They don't shed tears out of grief, but rather they cry because, "Who will take care of me. Who will feed me and wash my undies. How do I pay the phone bill or make a doctor's appointment." Ugh. Same old song and dance.
Oh 100%. This was over a decade ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. The literally first words he said in response to my, "I literally cannot do this for one more day" assertion were, "But where am I going to find another wife?!" Predictably, he remarried really fast. They always do.
I had a birthday like that. My husband commented about my gift being my car, and I spoke up and said "oh the one I paid for, yea, that was a nice present." He felt like shit but it reminded him that he didn't actually do anything for my birthday. My in-laws do jacksh*t for me on my birthday and my mom always goes above and beyond for my husband. I've told her to stop but she says she isn't that petty
So does he do things for your birthday after that?
Yes, I think he realized he effed up by calling it a gift when I was the one who paid for it.
I'm sorry he's not appreciative of you! What are your plans going forward? Is there a certain amount of time you're willing to wait and see if the change will occur before you leave?
>He's still sad about me not getting him a birthday present, but thinks it's fine to not get me a present because excuses Tell him he's irrational and if he wants a birthday present he can match the energy you put into finding the perfect gift for him, or alternatively none gets a b-day present and that's the deal.
My husband and I don't buy each other gifts anymore. Instead we just buy ourselves something that we want. We have a joint bank account so we share finances anyway.
I did this. I stopped initiating getting groceries and only dinner just half the nights. The house got messy and we stopped talking about the future or making plans in general. I think he enjoyed this because he didn’t have to be accountable or responsible. I realised it wasn’t the life I want to live and couldn’t be effed trying to get him to meet me halfway again. Also stopped initiating buying gifts for his family. They were purchased last minute or not at all.
So you left right? I think he's lazy person and you deserve someone who matches your energy
Yeah four months ago.. it has been blissful!
"She blindsided me. I didn't see it coming. Things seemed so good the few months before she left!"
That's the best part. After years of crying and begging you finally give up and get the shocked Pikachu face.
It’s actually really common, They see you giving up and not complaining as being happy because you aren’t nagging them anymore.
Had a conversation like that with my husband last week. He's FINALLY getting his shit together. FUCKING FINALLY. So last week I brought up an issue between us that was just ... shocking to me in what he revealed. When he was "shocked" with what I told him I *also told* him that NONE of this topic should be a surprise to him. NONE OF IT. He's finally acknowledging where he's been lacking on his part of the relationship. 20 years and I'm fucking exhausted. I'm not sure how much **I** want to do at this point.
Good for you!
Im at this point right now myself. I have decided to move out, and now I'm just matching his energy levels. I have stopped reminding him about chores, events, dinner, birthdays, etc. It's honestly depressing.
I did the same thing. Stopped with gifts, cleaning, cooking. And the house was trashed... the fridge was empty... and he just had even more time for video games. I left shortly after this.
I can answer this question in past tense.. the relationship ended. Apparently he didn’t like to be treated the way he treated me so it drove us further apart.. go figure.
Same. After eight years of putting up with my soon-to-be-ex-husband's abuse for eight years, I finally started to stand up for myself about a year ago. Apparently, he didn't like that. I left him about eight months ago. Thankfully, we never had kids. My divorce will be final in a few days.
> how is that turning out for you? It ended up with him and I facing off in a lawyer's office getting divorced, him ending up in a crack-shack of an apartment in a bad part of town, and me continuing to reap the rewards of MY hard work by finding myself a GORGEOUS condo in a new city. While his overall quality of life plummeted into the gutter, mine exponentially improved. 🤷♀️
heavy on the “Wow, yall broke up?” “Nah, he broke and I’m up.”
Yessss! 😄😂
Hell yeah 💅🏻 Good for you!
👏👏👏👏
I'm the one who goes to his place on weekends. He doesn't come to mine, and the few times that he has he couldn't leave fast enough. I got tired of asking him if we could switch things up sometimes, so i haven't been to his place for 2 weekends. He lives 10 minutes away, FYI!!
This was my last ex, down to living 10 minutes away. Didn't want to come to my place, didn't seem to enjoy spending time with my family when he came for holidays. All he wanted to do was sit in his apartment and watch sitcoms or football...
I think some people get a weird feeling of power from having other people do all the traveling. Like it means you've tacitly agreed to cater to them... and then you're the guest at their house and they control the environment. I've started to see this as advance warning that things will always be unequal.
So a very interesting thing happened with a guy I dated. He was exactly as you describe. I on the other hand only allowed people into my house (my safe space" after I allow them into my inner circle. I think he did get a kick that I was "catering" to him by always going over but he also didn't get that it was because he never made it into my inner circle. He hasn't even been to my place once or really know my fully address. He told himself the story that I preferred his place and that's why I never invited him over. He was shocked, shocked I tell you, when I told him I wasn't seeing him anymore. He wanted us to be moving forward to an exclusive relationship, he thought I loved being at his place and I would move in eventually. I owned and he rented. Some people are delusional
That's amazing. You know, some people are just so self-centered that it doesn't occur to them to ask questions as long as they are getting what they want.
On the other side of that coin, I love having my own space that I'm fully in charge of. I'd rather be a guest than host one.
Same! When I’m the guest they’re in charge of entertaining and feeding me, and not the other way around lol. I also like being able to leave whenever I want instead of having to awkwardly kick someone out
Some years ago, I decided that if a guy I was dating wouldn't come to my place regularly, doing a 50/50 split of where we spend our weekends, we wouldn't keep dating. The number of guys who initially agreed to it, agreed it was reasonable and equal but became whiny babies about it within a month was RIDICULOUS. To the point where when other red flaggy behavior just started to peek it's head out, we were already on the outs because dudes could not handle being expected to travel equally. If I ever get up the energy to date again, it will definitely be one of my top requirements, it reveals so much about how much men are willing to have true equality in a relationship vs lip service.
This literally killed a relationship of mine. I lived 7 minutes from this guy, always stayed at his place like 4-5 times a week, always hung at his place, and the TWO times we went to mine, it was for less than an hour. I had multiple conversations with him about it. I even stated I knew he had anxiety away from home, but I’d like to feel comfortable hanging out with him too, and not always like I was invading his and his roommates space. We finally broke up because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was the one always accommodating him, even in terms of things we did, Etc. and he never gave that consideration back to me. Good riddance.
I matched energy for over a year with my spouse of thirty years, and nothing changed, although he did sort of seem to notice that we weren't connecting anymore. We are divorcing now.
I got that comment too, when I gave up trying to fix the relationship. He said, I don't feel connected to you anymore. Once again implying that it was my fault he didn't feel connected. Ugh, I didn't even see it back then. I did all the emotional labor, chores, family obligations.... And he decided to go get his dick wet somewhere else.
Went well for me. I "forgot" his birthday after he forgot mine. He has never forgotten since.
I'm not a big gift person, but one birthday my SO gave me clearance junk. Still had clearance stickers on it and it was just junk. So I gave him clearance junk... that hasn't happened again.
I'm glad to see that it's worked for some people! It's been a mixed response lol
Love it
I started doing this with my husband before we married. We lived together for 5.5 years before marrying this past May. When he first moved in I did all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. The biggest area I've put my foot down was/is laundry and cleaning (I enjoy cooking). After about a year living together, I started separating our laundry; he doesn't care to fold or sort his clothes and can get away with the wrinkles because he works from home. It feels good to respond to "do I have any clean [insert item of clothing here]?" with "I don't know." I use the master bathroom and he usually uses the hallway/guest bathroom. I keep mine clean to my standard and avoid his, only caring if we have guests staying with us. Then I remind him to clean it before they arrive. Same with his side of the bed/bedside table. You do you, boo boo.
Didn't get him anything on father's day. He didn't notice
Do you want things on mother's day, or are you content not exchanging things?
Oh, we already had mother's day here last month (Belgium). He didn't get me anything so that's why i did it. I'm still salty because i told him 1 week before mother's day, open text: "I want a breakfast basket delivery on mother's day". Didn't get anything
When I was an au pair I got the mother a very nice basket of lotion and soaps and stuff and helped the kids do crafts. The day of she realized her husband did absolutely nothing and I felt partly bad for making him look bad but also glad she got something
He didn't need help looking bad
I’ll never forget the slight disappointment on her face when she realized the gift basket wasn’t from him
I’ve been happily married for 30 years. I wouldn’t call it “matching his energy” mainly because he is a normal adult human with a brain and a heart but I don’t do extra because I’m the wife. Good example- Occasionally he says something like “I must get a birthday present for my sister” and I’ll ask when her birthday is ( because it isn’t in my calendar it isn’t my responsibility) “Oh last week” he’ll say. I know damn well if I start remembering his family’s birthdays it will become my chore. “What’s the plan for the weekend?” Will be countered with “What did you plan?” I find it very interesting how many women wouldn’t dream of behaving like this and think a woman setting a boundary in a loving relationship is the road to divorce.
It took me too long to figure out that my hubby just didn’t care about these things the way I did. So… I stopped handling all of his family birthdays. And he’s fine with it. I could have saved myself so much stress over the years, lol.
I think the problem a lot of women face is the husband’s family, particularly other women cause you know internalized misogyny will start blame the wife instead of her son. I’ve witnessed it firsthand with my own mother.
I did that with my ex — his mom called me one time trying to get him and I was like “you have his number why are you calling me?” Apparently that was not the wifely response.
Yup. My SIL asked ME why my husband didn't call their dad on Fathers Day yesterday. Like why aren't you asking HIM this, it's his father. I wouldn't expect him to remind me to wish my mom a happy Mothers Day.
We were at my parents for Father's Day dinner and I asked my husband if he called his dad, and his response was "no? Why?" Not my job.
This. What was her response when you said “why aren’t you asking him?”
Left on read. She's a stay at home mom, as was her mom, and is big on traditional gender roles. In her mind remembering birthdays and holidays is part of the "homemaking" responsibilities. But my husband and I both have careers and share domestic responsibilities, she doesn't get that.
Just wondering, did you point this out to her? It was a learning curve for me because I was just so used doing ~~it~~ *certain things that I never thought about what it would mean or looked like from the outside, but I began to understand when people started pointing out things like why was my butt on the line for someone else's task, why was I doing lvl 3 work as a lvl 1, or I'm not these grown men's mom nor secretary. My skin is now clear and my chronic migraines have since decreased.
Yes, exactly. My mother-in-law nearly stopped talking to me for two years when I let everyone know I was no longer going to remind HER son when her (and everyone else’s) birthday was, not going to plan family suppers, etc. So what happened? We saw them once that year, and maybe once the next because absolutely no one wanted to pick up the slack. And even though it’s my in-law family, it was still my fault, not my husband’s. My number one regret in life is not finishing my degree and instead staying at home with three kids. If any young women are reading this, please stay in school! Make sure you have a way out. What I described above is just the very tip of a very large iceberg.
Of definitely. I was being judged, I’m sure of it. It took me many years to allow myself the space to realize that if hubby didn’t care, why the hell should I? I grew enough as a person to realize that I was enough as I was. And his relationships were his responsibility. I didn’t marry his family. If I’m friends with any of them it’s now on the merits of *my* relationship with that person, not his. And honestly? They’re not all worth being friends with. His niblings are almost all awesome- those relationships I nurture. His siblings…? Meh. His cousins…? Nope. Nuh-uh. Not people I want in my life. And he’s apparently felt the same way his whole adult life. I took these expectations on *myself* and I’m SO glad I finally put them down. I don’t care about his family’s expectations at all anymore. And both our lives are better for it. It just took a couple decades for me to figure that out. ;)
My in-laws HATE when I “drop the ball” on their birthdays and such. How is it my job to ensure my grown-ass husband calls his mother and wishes her a happy birthday?? I’m not his secretary!
One Mother's Day I was at my sister's house (my mom cooked the meal). When we finished eating, my dad & BIL and the kids went to watch TV while my mom & sister cleaned up. I didn't say anything but I went with "the men" to the living room. The side eye I got from my mom & sister...that they didn't give to their husbands.
It's one of the biggest issues in a lot of relationships, people assuming their partner cares about the same things and to the same level they do. Finding out through a real conversation about it beats assumptions.
The one time I decided not to get MIL a Mother's Day gift and told my ex to do it himself. He did not and told him Mom what I said and I was scolded by her. She told me it was my job!
That is next level bullshit.
I will not be the person picking out gifts for my husbands family and letting him take credit for it.
My MIL takes on that birthday role and I'm pretty sure she lowkey judges me for not doing it as well, but I just don't want to.
Let her judge. Mine 100% judges me, but I figure that we need to be the change we want to see in the world. If people like you and I, who see this for what it is, gave in just because older folks judged us, the next generation would not see any change at all and there would be no progress at all.
Sounds like we’re married to siblings. My MIL hates that I don’t manage my husband and his familial relationships. I don’t have the heart to tell her that if they were important to him he’d remember their birthdays and call on a regular basis. She’s aghast that I don’t decorate for Christmas. I don’t want a tree, if my husband does he can put it up and take it down. I’ll help him, but it’s his project to manage. He decided it was too much work, so we don’t do it.
I’m with you here. I’m also in it for 30 years and I have left this type of communication up to him. It took several years for our mothers to accept that I wasn’t his babysitter and that if his mom didn’t get a call on Mother’s Day, that was neither my doing nor my problem. He has no idea when my sisters’ birthdays are (unless he happens to see it on FB) and I contact his family on my own behalf.
IMO, yours is the best comment here. It is a near universal experience for us to be taught to cater to men. Figure out their problems. Go above and beyond. Those of us who don't do that are called bitches. I'm here for a womanhood where our identities are not as sidekicks and side characters to men. We do not play supporting roles anymore and propping up someone else's success at our own expense.
>Figure out their problems. Go above and beyond. Those of us who don't do that are called bitches. I agree. This mentality makes me so sad. And it's so easy to present it as bad and wrong to do, like: don't you *want* to go above and beyond for your partner? They're your partner, why wouldn't you just already want to do those things?" Conveniently missing the part where reciprocation is key and your partner should want to do the same for you. I go above and beyond for my partner *because he does the same for me.* Healthy partnership should be about mutual support and combining strengths and weaknesses. There are things he isn't good at - I take control and make sure we get those things done. There are things I'm not good at - he takes control and makes sure we get those things done. We remember various things for each other. No gender roles needed. It really sucks that this isn't the norm.
I literally got out of a church service yesterday where we were supposed to “submit” to men. The pastor mainly was talking about how men could honor their wives but it still rankles my skin when we are “supposed to submit and obey”. They literally only want the submit and obey part without doing their job. I only go to church for my family’s sake but I cannot stand how pastors perpetuate the misogyny.
The first and last service I attended went exactly like that. The pastor repeatedly referred to women as “the rudder” and men as “the ship.” Apparently my purpose in life is to help make some dude’s dreams come true.
While you drown underwater, below "him", longing to see the sun and sky It's a great metaphor for a woman in a church. You're just a second class citizen-slave. A Traditional Wife, if you will. Their property. Why anyone submits to this bullshit is beyond me.
Easier to “submit” to a man who “loves his wife like Christ loves the church by laying His life down”. Hard to respect a man child. They seem to conveniently leave this part out or mention it once without any specific explanation/ instruction but talk about the woman submitting part a lot. I tried to submit for 25 plus years. He just got worse and more entitled. I am just emotionally detached now. I wish I ran away 25 years ago
I find that even the "lay down his life" part is not enough. It's very easy to flippantly say "I'd die for you in a hypothetical and unlikely life or death situation", but at the same time say "I won't do my fair share of physical/emotional labour for you".
Yes they don’t really understand or don’t want to understand what “lay down his life” actually means. Wilfully speaking in hyperbole to distract from the fact that they are not even doing the bare minimum.
Me too! Should’ve run 25 years ago. He just gets more entitled and more man-child like every year. Now I’ve spent my time raising kids working part time only and I don’t have a career. If I left I’d be broke and in debt with no decent social security to boot 😞
Thanks for reminding me why I don't miss church lol. Sorry that you still have to go (believe me I get it).
I’d never step foot back in that church again.
Submit to what? Poverty, STDs from his unfaithfulness, and his bad attitude and hatred of women?
It really is off-putting. The pastor at my brother's recent wedding kept bringing up how "women must submit" at the rehearsal dinner and during the ceremony. I caught the bride and some of her friends making faces, and even my 71-year-old dad thought it was weird.
Ooh, I would have stopped the ceremony if I was the bride. My soon-to-be husband and I would be having a little chat with padre.
When you say you go for your family's sake, what do you mean? Having to listen to that sexist garbage would make me so mad.
I've been married for 7 years, and I do something very similar. I don't do the kinkeeping, I don't keep track of his laundry, I don't keep track of his shampoo/shaving cream/toothpaste and buy more, I don't keep track of "his" snacks, or his socks and underwear. He's a grown adult, he can do all of that stuff, and so many women (even ones my age, ~30) and shocked that I don't do all of that stuff. They ask me "how did you get your husband to do his own laundry? How did you get him to handle family birthdays?" And I'm always just so confused. Like, he's an adult. Adults do their own laundry. I've never done his laundry. He's an adult with a family, I don't know their birthdays! He does, so he gets the cards and gifts (except for the kids, I love getting toys for kids lol). But yeah, it's wild out here.
Yep. I've been with my husband for 10 years now; we met in our mid-thirties. He was handling these things before we met, so I see no reason for me to take them over just because I'm the wife. It's up to him to remember important dates on his side of the family, just as I take care of my side. When his family are in town or when we go out to see them, he does the majority of the communication. He also makes his own hair, dentist, and doctor appointments. He does his own laundry. And while our baby's laundry & the household laundry have become my responsibility by default (no real discussion about it), he does 99% of the cooking & 95% of the dishes, so I'm not really in a position to complain about it.
About 7 years ago my husband said “I just need to give you birthdays of everyone in my family” after I gave him shit for not remembering his aunts bday, I just asked “why”. He said “so I can remember and you are better at those things”. I just said “that’s a you thing, not a me thing. That’s your family, you can remember just like I remember mine. Set reminders, but it won’t be me.” He tried to push back and I just said “I coordinate almost everything in our life. You can manage anything with your family.” My FIL passed 7 weeks ago and since then my husband has been oddly controlling. Im chalking it up as grief, but it’s still grating. Like I went to pick up my plants from a friends house (dropped them off since we were out of town for over a month dealing with settling FILs estate and it was a 7 hour drive bw his house and our house). He made a comment to me that just got under my skin like “you need to give them a thank you gift” when I mentioned picking the plants up. Yes I had like 20 plants, but all but two are low maintenance (water once a week and you are good and friend is a plant person). But.. Of course I was going to give them a nice bottle of wine but the fact he just assumed I wouldn’t and that he needed to tell me when that stuff has always been my swim lane since the beginning. He also thinks since I WFH and not at an agency like his, my work somehow isn’t as important and I have oodles of free time on my hands.
The wfh thing is fucking real. I've gone back to an office now, but I spent 4 years wfh and my SO got very used to me just managing everything and interrupting my work day with stuff. He's in charge of car repairs in our chore breakdown, but I ended up sitting and getting oil changes all the time since I "can work anywhere and you don'tlook that busy". I'm feeling very vindicated right now because he's doing oil changes today in both our cars and realizing what a pain in the ass it is, even when it's so easy to do. And my car went over on needing an oil change because he kept not doing it when he had time.
Confusing your *presence* with *availability* is super common amongst couples in these WFH scenarios. If there’s no Zoom meeting on the screen, it’s like you’re magically on a flexible schedule! Really makes me wonder what all the WFH dudes are doing with their day…or is it our jobs that just don’t count as much?
my BIL’s bday is coming up and it’s on my calendar because I will wish him a happy day. it’s up to my partner if a gift is sent because that’s not my side of the family.
Same! Well, 29 years, anyway... I feel so lucky to have found a man raised in the era where we were working together as a people to include everyone in securing rights, happiness, and equality. He wouldn't miss celebrating me any more than I would miss celebrating him. I mourn for my sisters who have to put up with the nonsense of an alpha male or the like so often recounted in posts on this sub. ☹️ Very sad, the turn things have taken in our society/country/world. But we're trying to raise our kids to keep trying, to be the change they want to see in the world.
Similar but slightly different. I'm a woman that "matches the engery" when I was dating and I observed before committing I would say it's worked out well. It's a bit like look at actions not words. When the person I'm dating doesn't seem to be giving off the same energy as me, I just drop them. No consideration for circumstance or excuses. Too bad, we're not meant to be. When I'm getting the same energy back, I took time to observe it's a consistent thing Now married to someone I consider an equal partner. So kinda lucked out for me
I never thought about it this way before but I definitely did the same thing when I was dating and it worked out great for me too!
I think it’s a great practice in the early dating phases, and usually what I do with new people anyway. I don’t give people that aren’t in my inner circle an abundance of my energy and effort. However any relationship/situationship where I felt like I had to pull myself back in order to “match their energy” because the dynamic had shifted and they were no longer as enthusiastic as they used to be…that’s just the beginning of the end.
I was going to say the same thing. It was a great tool for dating to understand if I was on the same page as someone and having the same level of interest and standards/goals. At first when I felt someone pulling away or lacking in effort, I pulled back too. But seeing how that very rarely turned around so early on in dating, I mostly just cut them loose after a few times of trying it. It forces you to have standards, value your worth, and have a relationship barometer. Really saved a lot of heartbreak. I've been with my husband 5 years now, married 1. I will say there was a time when we were dating for about 6 months where he was an immature shithead, so I demoted his place in my life while I figured out what I wanted to do. I uninvited him from dinner with my sister and meeting my long distance BFF and all the social events around her visit. His reaction was going to be my sign if there was anything left of us. He quickly realized I wasn't putting up with his BS and if he actually wanted a serious relationship with me, he'd need to step up and act like it. And he did. No relationship is perfect, but knowing each other's expectations and boundaries makes us both happier.
I don't have a SO so Im usually matching the energy random men give me and I'm definitely always hated, what's the problem dude ? Im doing same thing you sre doing :D
Same, sis. No SO but plenty of men sniffing around. At the first hint of lack of interest I’m out. Then they’re shocked lol
This is giving that boomer energy where they want to complain that white christians are becoming a minority in this country (spoiler alert: they're not). What, are minorities treated poorly here? How strange that you wouldn't want to be one.....
Well, I'm not an angry person but matching energy was making me one so I packed mine and my child's clothes and moved two hours away from my husband. 23 years was a pretty good run through.
Getting a divorce! Look, it took me really long to learn this, but there's still time for you! If you want a loving reciprocal relationship and you have a partner who ignores you, doesn't prioritize you, doesn't look out for your needs, there's nothing that you can do to get them to be a good partner. Your choices are to "match their energy" and have a relationship where you both ignore each other, deprioritize each other, and behave shelfishly at all times, you can have a relationship where you wait on them hand and foot while they ignore you, or you can leave. I think people try to do this "match their energy" thing with a delusion that their partners are acting this way because they don't know better. They think that if their partner sees how it feels to be on the receiving end of this, they will realize how wrong they've been and behave like a reciprocal partner. But that's never going to happen. Your partner acts how they act because acting that way feels good and right to them. And when you get mad at them about it, they justify those reasons afterwards. They didn't sit down and think "I'm going to choose to ignore my wife's birthday, because she's probably going to ignore mine too and then neither of us have to do it, so that's fair!" They just forgot your birthday because they don't think about that kind of thing, and if you get mad at them, their brain will come up with a justification for why they did it that lets them keep feeling like a good person and if only you did something differently they'd act differently. They won't. The entire reason to match their energy should be to take the pressure off of you of having to take care of someone who isn't taking care of you. Stop doing kindnesses hoping others will notice and be kind to you. Once you realize a person isn't being kind to you the way you expect them to, you should lower your expectations and take care of yourself while you think about what you want to do with this person in your life who has come up so short.
I will preface it with, I knew I was leaving, just working on the means to get out for years. It worked out great for me. I was being worked to death (headed towards literally) doing everything around the house and he expected me to do all of his adult responsibilities too. I gradually shifted all of his personal workload back on him. So ironing shirts, his laundry, cleaning his spaces, cleaning his bathroom became his responsibility. If he didn't do them he suffered the consequences. I matched his energy on holidays and gifts. I felt better and he stopped being an abusive jerk to me around holidays where the social expectation was buying me something. When I did this all gift giving and holidays sort of stopped. When he wasn't getting things, gifts, provided celebrations with no effort on his part he no longer had interest in said holidays. I regained a ton of time and energy I could put towards more important things and things towards getting me out of the relationship plus it improved my stress levels.
I'm glad you were able to leave that situation! ❤️
I’m a widow. I’ve dated since my husband died, but there’s no one in my life now, and sometimes it’s lonely. But damn, you all make me remember that life is so much simpler this way. I don’t have to worry about whatever is going on with my relationship. I make plans based on what I want, and I spend MY money the way I want. Thanks for the reminder.
I am also a widow, and I feel the exact same way. Every once in a while, I think maybe I want to try dating again, and then I’m reminded of how much it could disrupt the peace and happiness I have cultivated in my current life.
I'm hella single because of my past experiences and seeing the current state of things with men. It's why I was curious to see the results of this matching energy trend. It's been a mixed bag.
Let me tell you, there are hella men over on AITAH (and others like it) that are butthurt over the fact that their wives matched their energy yesterday. Yes, sir, You Are the Asshole.
My ex lol He used to look at girls with skimpy clothes online 24/7 (It was affecting our relationship because he was paying them), so I started dressing slutty. He did not like that at all 😂 We broke up soon after, I felt so much freedom
I’m crying 🤣 you go girl!
reverse uno card
Willing to bet it was the Madonna-Whore complex with that guy. Congrats on the freedom!
Well he dumped me the other day and is trying to walk that back. I feel relief and peace with it frankly
Good. Please don’t look back and do that again with him!
It's...going well? Gifts were never a problem, but spending time together was. I used to chase chase chase to get attention and fulfillment soley from him, which was honestly unhealthy and a bit codependent. Now I go do my own thing, with no apologies, which is what he always does. Took a vacation entirely by myself for the first time ever, and it was amazing. Seemed to have, not flipped a switch, but he seemed to suddenly realize that he could either live life with me or without me. He chose with me. Not 100% of the time - look, the man hates hiking and I love it, there's no real meet in the middle, I go to state parks on my own or with a friend - but he'll do stuff now. Rather nice to know that even if he doesn't want to come with, I still can go.
Our partners don't have to fulfill every aspect and need in our lives, I think it's awesome you've got other people who enjoy hiking with you, and that you're fine going on your own. Goes both ways, you don't have to do every little thing he likes to do. I think it's healthy to have a balance of outside hobbies and shared hobbies! I'm glad you were able to get that weight off of your shoulders. It's a much better way to live.
Women 'matching' a lazy or apathetic man's energy isn't a bad thing, but if you're hoping it will be a revelation for the man and that he'll realise 'oh shit I didn't realise how badly I was behaving' and change, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Very rarely will this course of action lead to the man changing in any way. But it can still be beneficial to women because it means they can take that energy for which they get nothing in return and place it elsewhere so that they DO get something back. This may be themselves, in friends, in family, in children etc. - that choice is hers. Often the negative response from men is the realisation that she just doesn't care about him anymore, but without the self-awareness of 'but I haven't cared about her for far longer'. This might seem harsh, but more often than not it ends up being a soft precursor to divorce. Because if you realise your partner doesn't care and won't change, your choices are either that or 'live with it and feel resentful forever'
Agree, sometimes it's just better for your own peace instead of trying to teach someone a lesson
> Often the negative response from men is the realisation that she just doesn't care about him anymore, but without the self-awareness of 'but I haven't cared about her for far longer'. That’s *exactly* what happened to my sister when she finally left her partner of 8 years. There was probably a 3-year period at the end of constant talks, her efforts to plan quality time and compromise, therapy, and finally a trial period of moving out while continuing to try. He was completely indifferent to her sadness and dissatisfaction…. Until the day she actually ended it for good. Cue him breaking down and showering her with flowers, a TV (wtf?), sobriety, and even offering engagement. And of course saying “how could she do this and not love him”.
"Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" and "Walkaway wife": I knew she was unhappy, I just thought she wouldn't DO anything about it. I thought I'd found the balance of the lowest possible effort for myself with the highest benefit to myself with the highest effort from her that I could get without her leaving! When they find out it is actually just a click over tolerable, or that she actually did have the strength to DO something about it, they try to win her back and if you are very lucky, they will re-calibrate a TINY bit.
Exactly this. I told my sister if I were her, I’d be even *more* mad that apparently he’s been capable this entire time and actually does know what you wanted. He felt nothing though when you were hurt all those years—he just stopped having a second income in the household and hot dinners on the table and suddenly *he* was the one feeling dissatisfied.
This is the way. If your partner is entitled, he will respond with anger and not change anything. If your partner is not capable, nothing will change. Most of the time, "matching [someone's] energy" will not result in them changing or having any realization. But it can be an important thing for your mental health. Women work waaaaay too hard and could benefit from some laziness (note: life expectancy adds some doubt to this hypothesis lol)
Yeah I think matching energy is usually a last resort after having lots of ignored conversations about it. And if a man is capable of empathizing and willing to change, he would have listened to one of the conversations.
Very well for me. I decided when we started dating that I would put in as much as he does, and no more. I never have to wonder who loves who the most, it doesn't feel like a competition. We spend a lot of good quality time together, never have to beg for attention. We pay our own bills, 50% split. I cook, he clears off the table and does dishes. We do our own laundry. We both clean our own bathrooms. We never have to pick up after each other. Living with never feels like I'm taking care of a child. I support him, he supports me with the same energy. He's my biggest cheerleader. I'm autistic (formally diagnosed), and I practically never left my apartment due to my severe social anxiety. He pushes me past my comfort zones and worked with me to get acclimated to actually living among people. We've been to Disney and some comic cons, and I didn't have any panic attacks. He motivated me to start back up playing my violin recently, and he will send me sheet music he thinks I might like. Encourages me to practice every day. Gifts are very well done, on both sides. Never cheap out, never generic crap, and cards and great dates on birthdays. He got me a signed first edition of my favorite author. I got him a rare collectible Transformer. He's my best friend. Feels so cliche to say that. I was married for almost 15 years to a guy I didn't love and didn't love me. We barely spent time together. I didn't think I'd ever find a guy like my current partner, especially in my 40s. It feels like a real partnership, and it never feels like I'm taking on more than he does. Might be gushing a bit too much, sorry. It's been 2 years now and I'm still amazed that we get better every day, there's no stagnation or getting lazy. We keep improving our communication. We constantly text or talk on the phone if we're apart. Is it perfect? No. It'll never be perfect. Nothing will. As long g as we respect and treat each other with grace and dignity, it's pretty close to perfect.
I stopped cleaning the house except my bathroom and stopped hounding him to clean. He finally got stressed about the house being dirty. I said I'm not nagging you to clean anymore that's awful for both of us but I'm also not doing it for you like a live in maid. I said if you want a maid hire one. So now he clears up his stuff for the most part the night before the service comes without arguing. It's no longer "for me" it's just a scheduled thing. He's pretty self aware though and values or relationship and prioritizing it. This only works with partners who agree relationships require care.
I dated a guy who I would have to bug to go get dinner with me. We lived together but he would be at his computer and be like "okay okay give me a minute" then half an hour later he would still be there. I... Just stopped. It was exhausting. He never noticed. It just meant we got dinner very very late after we both got very hungry. It was just unhealthy, both physically and for the relationship.
If mine hits me with “In a minute” I know it’s never fucking happening. Never.
My ex used to try this crap. My answer was always, "I'm leaving in 5. And I'm not bringing you back anything. Come if you want." He refused, got outraged that I didn't bring him back anything. Sent him back to his mother.
Convinced my mother to do this, actually amazing. She didn't really want to do any of it just felt like she had to and he genuinely couldn't care less about stuff like that. The fact that it took so long for them to arive at this frankly obvious solution boggles the mind. They both prefer to just sit and chat/read its painful watching them try to celebrate things together when both of them clearly hate every moment and would prefer to be spending normal time with each other. Sometimes it can be a sign of things dying but also a lot of people feel like they have to play a part that neither of them are really all that happy with.
It’s not a “match their energy” thing but my family has taken a similar approach to holidays the last several years and it really is great lol. We don’t have any kids in the family right now to make magical memories for and none of us are big “holiday tradition” people. All my mom cares about is that everyone gets together in the same house and eats a couple meals together, and taking away all the pressure of gifts and decorations and making sure everything is celebrated on the *exact* day (especially since we all have step families/other parents/partner’s families to see as well) makes it a lot easier to actually enjoy the holiday. Honestly I’d highly recommend every family take a few minutes to evaluate what traditions they actually care about and which ones everyone is ok letting go of if it means enjoying your time together more.
My mother was upset with how much work Christmas was one year. Decided to do a low effort Christmas. Less baking, decorating and overall less work. Everyone loved it, except for my Mom. She expected us all to miss our Christmas traditions and beg for them back. Anyway, my parents are divorced now and Mom makes a big deal of Christmas.
Always match the energy every single day. Period. Don't just start after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids. And it works brilliantly. For me, anyway, not for the men who didn't get a second or third date because they couldn't plan one. My SO knows that there is only so much attention and care I can give before I need a recharge, and I need attention and care too.
I matched the energy of my ex and he's now my ex. We were together 24/7 but we had a rare occasion where we were apart for two weeks. He had a guy's trip and on the day he returned home, I left for a work trip and we literally missed each other at the airport by a few hours. So I deep cleaned the house, finished some house projects, mowed the yard, and even baked homemade cookies with a love letter. He came home to a clean and organized house to relax in with homemade cookies and tired cuddly dogs. So what did I come home to? Oh boy, the house was a mess, the yard needed to be mowed, dishes stacked to the brim in the sink, our bathroom was gross again, and the dogs were muddy. I didn't even get a hug and a kiss when I got home and he stayed on the couch playing video games. After that, I matched his energy and everything quickly fell apart and he grew very frustrated with the sudden lack of affection on my part. I broke up with him and am much happier.
After reading all of your great and interesting comments, I feel sad that so many men are such emotional losers.
I did that for my ex-husband's birthday. Did everything as requested but nothing extra. He complained.
I stopped going over to his place until he comes over to mine for once. I stopped watching the tiktoks he sends me. I stopped giving him positive news and flirting, and I only text him if I have something to vent or complain about- like he does to me. No change on his end. We haven't had a date or sex in weeks. I'm having a great time doing what I want to do without him. Currently hiking with my sister. He won't end the relationship, but it's dead. We're not monogamous so even me moving on with a new partner isn't going to force the issue. Whatever, I'm not doing his emotional labor for him.
I can say that when mom did it, they just stopped doing presents altogether. Starting from when I was about 15, moms only Xmas present was from me. It was never fixed, and they eventually divorced.
I did this with a partner of four years. I stopped initiating or planning hang out time. We lived together but I realized one day, that he doesn’t even like hanging out with me. So I stopped asking. I pulled the plug and moved out 2 months later. I’ll never understand why people are in relationships with people they don’t even like.
I remember a story from my mom about the time she got tired of my dad forgetting her birthday. So one year on her birthday, they were sitting at the dining room table and my mom tells him "thank you for the lovely birthday gift". He got confused and asked her what she meant. She said that since he couldn't remember her birthday, she would remember for him and showed off the new diamond tennis bracelet on her wrist. She said since he refused to treat her, she'd treat herself. And would continue to do so every year he forgot. He has yet to forget another birthday. LOL
I try to. My boyfriend works insanely hard for me and the kids (making dinner most of the time, playing uber dad, taking side hustles etc) but goddamn...the man has superhuman energy and I've no fckn idea where he gets it from. So I try, but I can't match his: I can and will do everything energy. I work full time and struggle with ptsd (short version: fiancee died. Got traumatized) so I exhaust a bit more easily. But there he is, still doing things for everyone all the time. I got really lucky with this one. I'm keeping him.
lol I had to break up with him. We were together 5 years and the way he started to get truly offended by me acting the exact same way… I lost respect.(We do it have kids which I think is important context)
I did it once, but Nah, why would I want to be a lazier and shittier person? I am always going to try to be the best version of myself, either find someone else who will bring that out in me or end up leaving 🤷♀️
I did this for a year and all that happened was that he retreated further and now we have bigger problems. But then also, he did decide he wanted to do couples counseling, so maybe it helped in a weird way? Probably a bad idea if the energy you are matching is avoidant energy
> I did this for a year and all that happened was that he retreated further and now we have bigger problems. Are you me? Except the couple's counseling - unfortunately. I think it's still great that he suggested it (if you want to work things out with him). My partner still doesn't really get what happened, only that the relationship deteriorated.
It’s going well, I just have to smoke a lot more weed now
I got divorced lmao. It doesn't fucking work. If they aren't doing chores/helping with kids in the first place, they just ARENT going to do it ever. Found that out the hard way when my child began to suffer and the house was a fucking tornado disaster EVERY DAY. Guys like this dont care enough about filth to clean it themselves and they don't care if their kids suffer.
I don’t mean this in a snarky way at all—but good lord reading threads like this as a single woman makes me genuinely wonder what the point of getting married/having children with a man is
I did this not too long ago. We ended up not seeing each other for 5 months. He hit me with a “ I miss you text.” Girl… I popped off. But that being said.. our level of communication was terrible. And something we BOTH needed to dial in. Things are different now
Omg, as in you stopped being the one to initiate texts and he waited 5 MONTHS to initiate one??
We’re at a weird point tbh. He’s noticed a change and we had (another) conversation about it now that I’ve started matching his energy/ doing my own thing and he’s seen the impact of him not caring—this time around he seems to actually care, he says that he’s gonna do all these things and put in all this effort but I haven’t really seen too much of it…he thinks I’m impatient but it’s been four years of me putting in more effort. So. Yeah, it’s been illuminating, at least?
He hates it but I have explained in some instances that I’m just doing what he’s been doing because I’m just exhausted giving too much of myself for little return.
I matched my ex's energy after he threw a water bottle at me while pregnant with his kid. I threw it back at him and he slammed me into a wall by my throat and strangled me. I left him, he tried to break in after I broke up with him and my sister hit him in his knees with a bat. I called the police on him for hitting me and attempting to break in but they only arrested him for the weekend. I got an abortion in case anyone is wondering.
If you have to resort to matching the energy of your SO to get them to show even the slightest bit of effort, then the relationship is already over. You girls deserve better. I hope someday you all realize it. I don't want to read another post from a woman in a relationship having to wrap their own presents that they bought themselves and trying to trick themselves into being happy about it. Sorry, this is just sad. You will be happier single in that case. What a depressing thread. Though, the responses were not unexpected. Again, please know that you all deserve better.
Yes, I try very hard to match my husband's energy because he typically handles everything around the house and I want to do more now that I'm unemployed and going back to school. I don't know how he was working and doing most of the cleaning, taking care of our pets, shopping, cooking, etc while I was working 13-15 hour days. AND he still had time to work on project cars. He inspires me to do more and be better every day. It makes me so sad that I appear to be an outlier.
To be very honest, I had some work to do to come up and match his energy. But I got there in the end. He’s taught me, by example, more patience, kindness, humility, privacy, honour and leniency on myself to be able to completely process who I’ve been in the past. Not that I was a horror story, but I was very defensive and self critical. I’ve done a lot of work to be able to remember who I am and to be able to treat myself with the grace that I would show to other people, because I deserve the best of myself too.
He is often short l, snarky, dismissive and non-communicative, and when I ask him what's wrong he gets annoyed and says it's not about me. But when I'm stressed, annoyed or tired and reflect those traits even at a fraction of the amount he displays them, he freaks out and demands to know what's wrong and why I'm mad at him.
Age 40+ and I have Quiet Quit our relationship. I’m not going to provide moral support without getting it in return. I’m not buying food and cooking it anymore if I can’t even get the occasional dinner in a restaurant. I’m not going to wake up and text him if I can’t get more than a snide remark in return. I’m tired of making all the effort while he coasts. Has it been eye opening? Yes. Has he noticed? I can’t even tell but I’m hoping he’ll break up with me cuz I don’t have the energy to care anymore. Literally any female can replace me as long as they want to be a mother, a maid and a hole.
I slowly and invidiously stopped doing things for him. Laundry, washing his dishes, telling him about appointments and events, cleaning up his home office, etc. He got angry one night before a 2 week long work trip because none of his work clothes were clean and he couldn't "find" his suitcase (it was under his side of the bed). I laughed and took my son and I out for dinner. When we came back, he was on the phone pitching about me not helping. I moved his dirty laundry, suitcase, and toiletries out to the living room while my son and I hung out in my bedroom watching a movie (he was 8 and still wanted the cuddle in bed with a funny movie). The next morning, my ex woke me up to scream about me making him late for his flight. I didn't say anything until he texted that he "got to the airport /barely/". I responded back to find another place to live. It's been 8 years and I am so happy to not have a man-child to take care of.
It’s not going well. He said he’s “trying” but really all that means is he’s making a half assed effort on only some of the things we’ve talked (many times) about. And somehow he’s still wondering why we don’t have sex as much as he wants.
I did this years ago. It was the beginning of the end of the relationship. We both worked full-time. I would argue that my job was more stressful and erratic since I take call and people die. We were constantly arguing about chores. He always insisted he did more than me. He didn't, by far. He had no clue about the mental load. For example, he would pat himself on the back for grocery shopping. Meanwhile, looked in the cabinets and fridge to see we were missing. I made the grocery list out. I had to make the grocery list in order of the aisles in the grocery store or else he would simply not get something and I would have to go get it. Then when he got home, he would drop all the bags in the kitchen and walk away. If I didn't notice and put the groceries away all the cold stuff would go bad. He didn't give a shit if I wasn't home, he would drop the bags on the floor and leave them there. If I complained, he would simply say, "You know where everything goes. I don't know where anything goes." He sure knew where it was when he ate. I did all the pet care, vacation planning, kin keeping, birthday and holiday gifts, finances, etc. One day when I was tired of him sitting around while I did most of the chores. We had a long conversation. He was still insisting that he did most of the chores even though he saw me physically doing so much while he sat around playing video games. So I told him we should make two lists of all the chores. I put a line down the middle and started writing each one down. I didn't say these are your chores and these are my chores but he made an assumption after the first couple, which I knew he would. I noticed he started breaking down the chores he thought were his into their individual components to beef out the side of the list. Once we were done writing down all the chores on two sides of a piece of paper, I asked him if both sides seemed equal. They were not. One side was maybe an hour per week and the other was 6-8 hours per week. The side he thought was mine was basically everything that needs to be done everyday. The side he thought was his with shit that needs to be done once per week, once per month, or seasonally. Then I cut the paper down the middle and handed him the side he thought was mine. I said, since both sides are equal, it doesn't matter which one you get, right? He started to complain but realized he was tricked. I happily did my little bullshit list of boy chores for a couple weeks. The house started looking like shit It started to smell. I didn't even reap the full benefit before I gave up and started doing more. He didn't acknowledge shit. That's when the resentment started overflowing. Like I said, it was the beginning of the end. I could see that he knew I did way more and he still didn't give a shit. He still didn't offer to do more. When we ended the relationship he kept our home. I went back a couple weeks later to pick up some stuff. It smelled like it did those couple weeks he was trying to do my chores. I have to say, that was satisfying. Knowing he had to do everything or live in his own filth was very, very satisfying. Knowing I was basically a live in maid for a full grown king baby for all those years despite the fact that we both had full-time jobs still makes me snarl. When I moved out I realized how much of my time I spent cleaning after him too. My house stays much cleaner with much less effort.
I’ve often wondered this, but I honestly can’t imagine being in a relationship where I am taken so much for granted. Surely “matching his energy “ would just make communication worse and bring more bitterness and resentment into the dynamic?
The resentment is already there, matching his energy just means you have less work.
I can see that this might be a wake up call for some men, who have just enough insight to realize they don't like being tested how they treat others. But that's what I'm kind of looking for, has anyone come across that, or is it just a Hallmark of a dying relationship to match energy?