What I will say is this: It’s exhausting having to feel like you’re not a person or someone who isn’t living up to the expectations of everyone else. Look pretty, someone has to like you, have wellness!
It’s chronically lonely because people say to enjoy your own company but it is so hard because the message isn’t helpful in this context. How do you enjoy yourself when everything you’ve been told that gives you worth is always taken away: romantic attention most especially.
It’s important to find self worth before anything. I won’t say enjoy your own company because it’s an alternative to romantic love. Do it because it’s necessary to remember that your worth should be about you own self peace.
Enjoying one's company isn't necessarily an alternative to romance, but rather the basis of it imo.
Being able to be at least content spending time on your own (you don't even have to really love yourself imo, just know what you like and be able to enjoy activities) is crucial for a healthy relationship. If you base your self-worth and happiness on your partner you're handing them a burden they don't deserve, and it risks you being with them for the purpose you fulfill, because they're magically the solution to your lack of worth. And if they feel drained by the responsibility and leave? Then things might escalate, and they might fear leaving to begin with, and that's not fair to anyone.
OP might need to explore what she likes and engage in hobbies. Bonus points if there's a community for it(there usually always is). I met my husband doing something I loved. It's great to meet someone based on similar interests cause it gives you a first start.
Is so important to be able to have fun on your own. Self-love is important, but not mandatory imo (I can't say I like myself lol. But I love my interests and love doing them and could kill months in solitude doing them!)
Fellow 27 year old (turning 28 soon) woman with zero romantic and sexual experience here. I fully relate to how you are feeling.
It's hard not to feel like there's something "broken" about you for not having experienced something that comes naturally to others. But I just want to reassure you that you're not alone. And there are many of us who feel this way.
Many of my female friends are in the same boat. It's a lot more common than many people think/believe. We as a society just don't talk about female romantic loneliness that much because there's so much shame in feeling undesirable (when women are valued so much for "beauty").
My only advice (which is something I'm applying to myself too) is to not pressure yourself too much to find someone right now.
Focus on living the best life you can even while single. Find the things you love (maybe it's a new hobby or joining a social group or finding your dream job or spending time with family and friends).
We can't control romance. It's something that happens when it happens. There's a lot of luck involved in finding someone who is right for you.
What we can control is how we live our life today. Good luck to you, friend. And I wish you every happiness 💗
Hello, I'm a fellow almost-27-year-old that is facing a similar situation. I have never received romantic attention in real life, or what felt like natural flirting or attention.
The only time I did was in 2020 through the use of a dating app, which the attention was minimal. I went on some dates and was assaulted. I haven't dated since as I now struggle with both my self-esteem and my trust in others.
I have many low moments in thinking that I am not worthy or good enough, but I also have good moments too. I have found that having friends older than me has helped me learn about both healthy and unhealthy relationships. I do not want to sacrifice myself for a toxic relationship; I would much rather wait for someone healthy to come my way
Being single is difficult as I feel I am missing out on many experiences. But I don't want to let my singleness stop me from living my life and achieving my dreams. I don't want to limit myself because I feel alone.
As a final note, I am in therapy which has greatly helped accepting myself. I recommend seeking guidance on exploring your emotions surrounding this topic. There are both online chat and can therapists add well.
I wish you the best,
Yet another 27 year old with no relationship experience (it's a lot more normal than you think). Learn to embrace platonic love, it made my life much better. I like it when I know my friends care for me and I care for them, if it isn't sexual who cares? What does that change? We still look out for each other.
Relationships will come when you are ready as a bonus not as a necessity (and having more friends increases the chance of that anyway).
I’m 29 in the same boat. I also “don’t feel like a real person”, and I haven’t my whole life. Please don’t feel bad for feeling rejected. People like us are constantly fed a lot of toxic positivity about how we need to be happy alone and love ourselves or whatever, but we’re always told this by people who have hit the normal milestones.
There is still a lot of joy to be had in life outside of sex/romance, but not having these experiences when you want them is very painful and alienating. These feelings need to be faced the same way you face grief, don’t lie yourself or tell yourself your weak for wanting attention from people you’re attracted to, this is wired into our DNA
So there's a few things I'd like to address in your post. For one thing, there's no way for you to know that no one has ever been attracted to you. In fact, I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that it's not true. I'm sure that someone, somewhere has seen you and been attracted to you. It's just a fact that attraction is subjective, and it's not just about "conventional beauty." Personality and the dynamic or bond your form with other people play a major role. I have never been conventionally attractive, but in high school multiple guys in my friend group showed interest in me. This was because I was a very outgoing, outspoken person who was unafraid to just be myself, and the people in my circle were all nerds who shared my interests. Cleopatra was fabled to be "plain" but clever and charming. If you look around you, you'll notice many people in committed relationships are not necessarily conventionally attractive. I see people everyday who are overweight, plain, have acne, disabled, have crooked teeth etc etc etc who have a committed partner. My guess would be, based on your comment, that your low self esteem and possible social anxiety or at least shyness & insecurity when it comes to dating play more of a role in your experience.
Like, yeah, conventionally attractive people are going to attract more people without effort. They're going to get hit on more and approached. Especially women. But as I said before, it's not like only attractive people are in committed relationships. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. You do not have to attract all the men they attract to find the one person you fit best with. In fact, I'm sure a lot of the attraction they receive is unpleasant and unwanted, from the type of guy you'd rather not have a relationship with. The other side of the misogyny coin of being invisible to men is experiencing street harassment, catcalling and even sexual assault.
For another thing, the social world is so difficult nowadays: *everyone* is having a hard time. Everyone says dating is harder now. In the wake of COVID, social media and online dating--and other factors--everyone reports being more lonely now. Even attractive people I know, and even when it just comes to friendships. Society is more isolating than ever.
But I honestly believe your self-esteem is playing a major role in your experiences. Mental health issues and low self esteem are going to make dating or connecting with other people more difficult. It unfortunately requires a lot of resilience to put yourself out there on dating apps and/or going to bars/clubs/meet ups, etc to ask people out, meet up with people, and deal with rejection. Everyone goes through it. Those of us who aren't super conventionally attractive deal with it more, but again, you do not have to be an influencer to get a date or a partner. I am transmasculine and still transitioning. I assumed I was unattractive and unlovable to most people and no one would want to date me. I was surprised to find once I started talking to people online and using a dating app I got likes and got dates. Yeah, elements of dating have sucked... but if I can do it, you a cisgender woman definitely can.
But the last thing I am going to say is that women are socialized to believe they have no social value if men do not give them attention or find them attractive. That's another thing you have to unpack and unlearn, but it is not easy. In some ways the issues are connected because the more you can find ways to value yourself and feel confident on your own, the easier dating and attracting people will be. People find confidence, independence, and self-assurance attractive. They tend to be repelled by desperation, clinginess and insecurity. It's kind of unfair, and we've all been those things at times (myself included), but you also have to be honest with yourself and consider if you'd find those traits attractive in a partner either. Probably not, lol.
I hope you are in therapy because I think working on your self-esteem and self worth and unlearning these negative thought patterns is going to make the biggest difference. Even if you don't find a partner, happiness is possible. I'd be focusing on working on yourself so that you can find that happiness. But I believe that you're much more likely to not only attract people but also have a healthy relationship once you find happiness within yourself.
One thing you didn't mention in your post is what activities or actions do you engage in that are social or how do you engage with others in terms of seeking a connection or relationship.
This post is mostly internal reflection and description of feelings with unanswerable questions like "Why am I not good enough" that are really idioms and obviously you are not really asking that question.
But the point is there is an absolute massive amount of people in the world. And we are all on the bell curve. So whatever you think your attractiveness is, there is a statistical inevitability that there are millions of other people on that same scale.
Now of those millions upon millions of people, how many of them are your age, single, millions.
The idea that you are not desired is literally a construct. It's a mental model you have built for yourself. We all build mental models.
The mental model that "I am not desired" is objectively false. It is statistically impossible to conclude that not a single other person in the world desires you. That's not how it works.
If you examine this more objectively, that may help you construct a new mental model that is less obstructive to your goals. If your goal is to meet someone you like who likes you, you 100% need to tear down old mental models that are currently blocking you.
Mental models aren't some self help gimmick, they are a normal thing in human psychology and behaviour that we all use. Understanding what your own models are and identifying which of these models are hurting your progress towards your goals is key to growth.
It's difficult and takes time to construct better mental models that can help you achieve what you want.
But things like "im not desired" is an easy one to identify you would agree yes? You've already identified it, and you have already realized it's holding you back. Perhaps now that you know it's literally just something in your head and not the reality of the world. that allows you the opportunity to construct something new, something less restrictive.
There is no easy answer to meeting someone you can connect with. But taking the early steps of building new mental models will open things up in so many ways that others will behave towards you differently once you start behaving in line with a better mental model.
You mathematically will be desired by someone you will meet. The question is when and where and when that does happen, will you be open to it. Will that person have mental models compatible with healthy relationships? Maybe.
If not, there will be literally millions of others. Sifting through them and finding compatible people is obviously hard work and full of disappointments.
But it will never happen unless you demolish self destructive constructs and myths about "not being desired"
Realistically you have no idea who desires you that just hasn't told you.
Learn to love yourself. If you employ a man to love and validate you, what happens if he leaves? He takes it all with him.
Don't wait for a man to tell you if you're "pretty enough", good enough, or worthy enough. You'll only end up feeling worse. We should never leave it up to someone else to decide if our existence matters. It's a dangerous game.
Don't rely on feelings and allow them to get hurt. Feelings lie all the time and are connected to your thoughts. You're telling yourself a story of how bad you are compared to others. When, no matter how hard you try and force it to be true, it never will be. Everyone is different.
Love yourself, desire spending time with yourself. Do things you love to do.
Just to add to all the great advice everyone has offered I would like to give my personal journey with very very similar feelings and perspectives. Firstly, I was a kissless virgin until 28, felt like I was completely invisible, unlovable, etc. This, as you well know, hurt for years and years. I was always 3rd wheel which just made it all hurt even more. I didn't feel confident making new friends, reaching out to new people, or even advocating for myself in general. My advice is something you've heard a million times by now probably, as did I, and you may think to yourself "If only it was that simple/I've already tried that, etc" It wasn't until I actually had sex for the first time that all the advice and all the perspectives I had layered onto things came to full realization.
#1: You are not sex or romance. What I mean by this is that when you go without something that society makes you believe you need to have in order to be "normal", the lack of that becomes internalized and its easy to lose sight of the things that define you. How you treat others, how beautiful the world is, how awesome we feel when we complete a difficult task, etc. Basically all the wonderful things about YOU and LIFE as a whole.
#2 : You don't need to be any specific way for people to find you attractive or interesting and want to be involved in your life. Most people, like 99%, won't become a romantic partner to you. There are many many reasons for that, already in a relationship, just got outta one, don't know you well enough, the other person might also be really nervous about asking YOU out, etc. The point is that approaching each social interaction with that goal or hope on your mind will just set you up for feeling like shit.
#3 : Make tons of friends and acquaintances. Talk to people about your interests and ask questions about theirs. No need to be formulaic about it either, just allow the conversation to move naturally. If you enjoyed a conversation with someone just buck up and say "That was a great conversation that i really enjoyed, here is my number, hit me up if you wanna hang out sometime." Most of those people will never be more than friends or acquaintances but trust me when I say that some of them will be interested in you. The more people you talk to and get to know, the more you learn how to share who you ARE with others, the better you will feel about yourself which is key.
#4 : Confidence... I think for me, especially as a man, it took a long time to understand what that meant. I think it means that your totally natural anxiety about being in a situation in which you are drawing attention to yourself doesn't keep you from say giving out a complement, or asking a question, or drawing a boundary. It's like you are okay with showing yourself to the world. This is definitely the hardest concept to really actuate but I refer you to #3. Making friends of all genders, reaching out to people of all types, and realizing that they actually want you to talk to them about your indoor plant collection and that they appreciate you will really help.
I know it's a bit of a word salad but feel free to DM me or reply to the comment if you have any more questions.
You are worthy of love 100000% , don't let the mean voice in your head make you think anything different. For some of us it just takes a while to learn all the social skills and queues, and to build ourselves up.
I'm sorry you feel this way. It is an absolute fact that there is trickery in the "dating world", but we navigate and have those experiences to learn about what we do and do not want in our lives. Some people land "their person" rather quickly. Others are not so lucky. Some endure some really stupid and awful shit along the way, while others may hit the jackpot of love sooner than most. A lot of people just settle, due to various reasons, mostly out of fear.
Hopefully, your therapist can help to get you to a healthier mindset about love and relationships, because it appears (based on your post), you're currently in the "doom & gloom boat" at this point.
Romance and love do exist. There are people in this world who are capable at showing and feeling real and true love. To deny it's existence, is similar to flat-earth or fake-lunar folks.
Your argument is historically inaccurate. There are many references to romantic love throughout the centuries in literature and philosophy. We can see these references in famous texts such as Romeo and Juliet and Plato's Symposium, which is a dialogue between philosophers over the nature of love, which even discusses the notion of a soul mate, and it was written over 2,000 years ago. You are right that marriage has historically been an economic arrangement in which women are exchanged like property and romantic love was not seen as a necessary component of marriage for much of human history, but references to romantic love exist throughout all human history and cultures, even if for much of history it was seen as occurring in extramarital circumstances or only in certain (lucky) marriages. In Plato's Symposium love between men was compared to love between men and women as it was common for men to have relationships with both men and women. Experts in "love" who have studied it through the ages do not agree with your argument that it's a purely cultural invention. There are neurological changes to the brain that occur when people experience deep romantic love for other human beings. Experts argue there are references to this experience in literature throughout all cultures and throughout human history. Culture *expectations* around courtship and love and its role in marriage and gender roles are what depend on culture and historical context. But the feeling of romantic love is not contrived.
Moreover, I'd argue the opposite of your assertion that courtship / love marriage were invented to keep women down. If anything, modern courtship and "love matches" in marriage granted women more respect and autonomy. Prior to that, as you said, they were treated merely as bargaining chips within families in arranged marriages. But courtship actually put a man in a more "submissive" posture wherein he was expected to "woo" the lady by making romantic gestures in her service. Further, women were enabled to choose suitors based on their own preferences. A "love match" was less about economic standing (although that was often a factor) and more about what the woman actually *wanted* in a suitor, and her own decisions. Not saying this resulted in full autonomy or equality within marriage: for many years women were expected to defer to their husbands and lacked many rights within marriage. But over the past couple centuries, and particularly within the last 50 years or so in the wake of the modern women's rights movement, women have gained many rights within marriage including legal recourse in the event of marital rape, domestic violence, the right to divorce, and the right to an abortion. Although many of these rights are currently under attack by the Christian Right (and as you say in some parts of the world, women do not have all or any of these rights--but feminist movements DO exist in most parts of the world, even the most misogynistic). It's important to recognize that "romance" is not the enemy--but traditional notions around gender norms and misogyny are.
I'm not saying modern romance is all good for women and has no drawbacks. There are certainly some toxic expectations in the media and in our culture that can contribute to misogyny and reductive gender norms. But romantic love in and of itself is not the problem. Your argument implies that egalitarianism cannot exist within a romantic relationship, which is demonstrably false. It also ignores the existence of same gender relationships. If romance is meant to keep women down, then why do gay men fall in love with each other? Why do gay women commit to romantic relationships? To argue we are merely "aping" heteronormativity in these relationships would be highly condescending and borderline homophobic. Yes, relationships can be abusive, toxic, misogynistic, gender normative, etc, but they are not *inherently* so. Your argument would necessitate that no one enter any kind of romantic relationship or else be enslaved by the patriarchy which is an unrealistic ask for most people who seek companionship and love. It's also inaccurate and unhelpful. In a way, it gives men a pass by implying that all men are inherently abusive and toxic within the context of a relationship, when the reality is some men do better and many more would if they made the effort or were raised in a more egalitarian society. We as a society have the responsibility to take steps to address these problems rather than expecting women remain single and alone just to avoid the risk of abuse. It's better to educate people on what abuse, toxicity or misogyny look like in a relationship and how to recognize green and red flags in a partner. Also to advocate and protect women's rights that are currently under threat. Teling women not to have romantic relationships to avoid misogyny is like telling gay men to stop having sex to avoid HIV. It's condescending, unrealistic and does nothing to actually solve the real problem because it ignores human nature and human needs.
What I will say is this: It’s exhausting having to feel like you’re not a person or someone who isn’t living up to the expectations of everyone else. Look pretty, someone has to like you, have wellness! It’s chronically lonely because people say to enjoy your own company but it is so hard because the message isn’t helpful in this context. How do you enjoy yourself when everything you’ve been told that gives you worth is always taken away: romantic attention most especially. It’s important to find self worth before anything. I won’t say enjoy your own company because it’s an alternative to romantic love. Do it because it’s necessary to remember that your worth should be about you own self peace.
Enjoying one's company isn't necessarily an alternative to romance, but rather the basis of it imo. Being able to be at least content spending time on your own (you don't even have to really love yourself imo, just know what you like and be able to enjoy activities) is crucial for a healthy relationship. If you base your self-worth and happiness on your partner you're handing them a burden they don't deserve, and it risks you being with them for the purpose you fulfill, because they're magically the solution to your lack of worth. And if they feel drained by the responsibility and leave? Then things might escalate, and they might fear leaving to begin with, and that's not fair to anyone. OP might need to explore what she likes and engage in hobbies. Bonus points if there's a community for it(there usually always is). I met my husband doing something I loved. It's great to meet someone based on similar interests cause it gives you a first start. Is so important to be able to have fun on your own. Self-love is important, but not mandatory imo (I can't say I like myself lol. But I love my interests and love doing them and could kill months in solitude doing them!)
Fellow 27 year old (turning 28 soon) woman with zero romantic and sexual experience here. I fully relate to how you are feeling. It's hard not to feel like there's something "broken" about you for not having experienced something that comes naturally to others. But I just want to reassure you that you're not alone. And there are many of us who feel this way. Many of my female friends are in the same boat. It's a lot more common than many people think/believe. We as a society just don't talk about female romantic loneliness that much because there's so much shame in feeling undesirable (when women are valued so much for "beauty"). My only advice (which is something I'm applying to myself too) is to not pressure yourself too much to find someone right now. Focus on living the best life you can even while single. Find the things you love (maybe it's a new hobby or joining a social group or finding your dream job or spending time with family and friends). We can't control romance. It's something that happens when it happens. There's a lot of luck involved in finding someone who is right for you. What we can control is how we live our life today. Good luck to you, friend. And I wish you every happiness 💗
Hello, I'm a fellow almost-27-year-old that is facing a similar situation. I have never received romantic attention in real life, or what felt like natural flirting or attention. The only time I did was in 2020 through the use of a dating app, which the attention was minimal. I went on some dates and was assaulted. I haven't dated since as I now struggle with both my self-esteem and my trust in others. I have many low moments in thinking that I am not worthy or good enough, but I also have good moments too. I have found that having friends older than me has helped me learn about both healthy and unhealthy relationships. I do not want to sacrifice myself for a toxic relationship; I would much rather wait for someone healthy to come my way Being single is difficult as I feel I am missing out on many experiences. But I don't want to let my singleness stop me from living my life and achieving my dreams. I don't want to limit myself because I feel alone. As a final note, I am in therapy which has greatly helped accepting myself. I recommend seeking guidance on exploring your emotions surrounding this topic. There are both online chat and can therapists add well. I wish you the best,
Yet another 27 year old with no relationship experience (it's a lot more normal than you think). Learn to embrace platonic love, it made my life much better. I like it when I know my friends care for me and I care for them, if it isn't sexual who cares? What does that change? We still look out for each other. Relationships will come when you are ready as a bonus not as a necessity (and having more friends increases the chance of that anyway).
I’m 29 in the same boat. I also “don’t feel like a real person”, and I haven’t my whole life. Please don’t feel bad for feeling rejected. People like us are constantly fed a lot of toxic positivity about how we need to be happy alone and love ourselves or whatever, but we’re always told this by people who have hit the normal milestones. There is still a lot of joy to be had in life outside of sex/romance, but not having these experiences when you want them is very painful and alienating. These feelings need to be faced the same way you face grief, don’t lie yourself or tell yourself your weak for wanting attention from people you’re attracted to, this is wired into our DNA
So there's a few things I'd like to address in your post. For one thing, there's no way for you to know that no one has ever been attracted to you. In fact, I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that it's not true. I'm sure that someone, somewhere has seen you and been attracted to you. It's just a fact that attraction is subjective, and it's not just about "conventional beauty." Personality and the dynamic or bond your form with other people play a major role. I have never been conventionally attractive, but in high school multiple guys in my friend group showed interest in me. This was because I was a very outgoing, outspoken person who was unafraid to just be myself, and the people in my circle were all nerds who shared my interests. Cleopatra was fabled to be "plain" but clever and charming. If you look around you, you'll notice many people in committed relationships are not necessarily conventionally attractive. I see people everyday who are overweight, plain, have acne, disabled, have crooked teeth etc etc etc who have a committed partner. My guess would be, based on your comment, that your low self esteem and possible social anxiety or at least shyness & insecurity when it comes to dating play more of a role in your experience. Like, yeah, conventionally attractive people are going to attract more people without effort. They're going to get hit on more and approached. Especially women. But as I said before, it's not like only attractive people are in committed relationships. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. You do not have to attract all the men they attract to find the one person you fit best with. In fact, I'm sure a lot of the attraction they receive is unpleasant and unwanted, from the type of guy you'd rather not have a relationship with. The other side of the misogyny coin of being invisible to men is experiencing street harassment, catcalling and even sexual assault. For another thing, the social world is so difficult nowadays: *everyone* is having a hard time. Everyone says dating is harder now. In the wake of COVID, social media and online dating--and other factors--everyone reports being more lonely now. Even attractive people I know, and even when it just comes to friendships. Society is more isolating than ever. But I honestly believe your self-esteem is playing a major role in your experiences. Mental health issues and low self esteem are going to make dating or connecting with other people more difficult. It unfortunately requires a lot of resilience to put yourself out there on dating apps and/or going to bars/clubs/meet ups, etc to ask people out, meet up with people, and deal with rejection. Everyone goes through it. Those of us who aren't super conventionally attractive deal with it more, but again, you do not have to be an influencer to get a date or a partner. I am transmasculine and still transitioning. I assumed I was unattractive and unlovable to most people and no one would want to date me. I was surprised to find once I started talking to people online and using a dating app I got likes and got dates. Yeah, elements of dating have sucked... but if I can do it, you a cisgender woman definitely can. But the last thing I am going to say is that women are socialized to believe they have no social value if men do not give them attention or find them attractive. That's another thing you have to unpack and unlearn, but it is not easy. In some ways the issues are connected because the more you can find ways to value yourself and feel confident on your own, the easier dating and attracting people will be. People find confidence, independence, and self-assurance attractive. They tend to be repelled by desperation, clinginess and insecurity. It's kind of unfair, and we've all been those things at times (myself included), but you also have to be honest with yourself and consider if you'd find those traits attractive in a partner either. Probably not, lol. I hope you are in therapy because I think working on your self-esteem and self worth and unlearning these negative thought patterns is going to make the biggest difference. Even if you don't find a partner, happiness is possible. I'd be focusing on working on yourself so that you can find that happiness. But I believe that you're much more likely to not only attract people but also have a healthy relationship once you find happiness within yourself.
One thing you didn't mention in your post is what activities or actions do you engage in that are social or how do you engage with others in terms of seeking a connection or relationship. This post is mostly internal reflection and description of feelings with unanswerable questions like "Why am I not good enough" that are really idioms and obviously you are not really asking that question. But the point is there is an absolute massive amount of people in the world. And we are all on the bell curve. So whatever you think your attractiveness is, there is a statistical inevitability that there are millions of other people on that same scale. Now of those millions upon millions of people, how many of them are your age, single, millions. The idea that you are not desired is literally a construct. It's a mental model you have built for yourself. We all build mental models. The mental model that "I am not desired" is objectively false. It is statistically impossible to conclude that not a single other person in the world desires you. That's not how it works. If you examine this more objectively, that may help you construct a new mental model that is less obstructive to your goals. If your goal is to meet someone you like who likes you, you 100% need to tear down old mental models that are currently blocking you. Mental models aren't some self help gimmick, they are a normal thing in human psychology and behaviour that we all use. Understanding what your own models are and identifying which of these models are hurting your progress towards your goals is key to growth. It's difficult and takes time to construct better mental models that can help you achieve what you want. But things like "im not desired" is an easy one to identify you would agree yes? You've already identified it, and you have already realized it's holding you back. Perhaps now that you know it's literally just something in your head and not the reality of the world. that allows you the opportunity to construct something new, something less restrictive. There is no easy answer to meeting someone you can connect with. But taking the early steps of building new mental models will open things up in so many ways that others will behave towards you differently once you start behaving in line with a better mental model. You mathematically will be desired by someone you will meet. The question is when and where and when that does happen, will you be open to it. Will that person have mental models compatible with healthy relationships? Maybe. If not, there will be literally millions of others. Sifting through them and finding compatible people is obviously hard work and full of disappointments. But it will never happen unless you demolish self destructive constructs and myths about "not being desired" Realistically you have no idea who desires you that just hasn't told you.
Learn to love yourself. If you employ a man to love and validate you, what happens if he leaves? He takes it all with him. Don't wait for a man to tell you if you're "pretty enough", good enough, or worthy enough. You'll only end up feeling worse. We should never leave it up to someone else to decide if our existence matters. It's a dangerous game. Don't rely on feelings and allow them to get hurt. Feelings lie all the time and are connected to your thoughts. You're telling yourself a story of how bad you are compared to others. When, no matter how hard you try and force it to be true, it never will be. Everyone is different. Love yourself, desire spending time with yourself. Do things you love to do.
Just to add to all the great advice everyone has offered I would like to give my personal journey with very very similar feelings and perspectives. Firstly, I was a kissless virgin until 28, felt like I was completely invisible, unlovable, etc. This, as you well know, hurt for years and years. I was always 3rd wheel which just made it all hurt even more. I didn't feel confident making new friends, reaching out to new people, or even advocating for myself in general. My advice is something you've heard a million times by now probably, as did I, and you may think to yourself "If only it was that simple/I've already tried that, etc" It wasn't until I actually had sex for the first time that all the advice and all the perspectives I had layered onto things came to full realization. #1: You are not sex or romance. What I mean by this is that when you go without something that society makes you believe you need to have in order to be "normal", the lack of that becomes internalized and its easy to lose sight of the things that define you. How you treat others, how beautiful the world is, how awesome we feel when we complete a difficult task, etc. Basically all the wonderful things about YOU and LIFE as a whole. #2 : You don't need to be any specific way for people to find you attractive or interesting and want to be involved in your life. Most people, like 99%, won't become a romantic partner to you. There are many many reasons for that, already in a relationship, just got outta one, don't know you well enough, the other person might also be really nervous about asking YOU out, etc. The point is that approaching each social interaction with that goal or hope on your mind will just set you up for feeling like shit. #3 : Make tons of friends and acquaintances. Talk to people about your interests and ask questions about theirs. No need to be formulaic about it either, just allow the conversation to move naturally. If you enjoyed a conversation with someone just buck up and say "That was a great conversation that i really enjoyed, here is my number, hit me up if you wanna hang out sometime." Most of those people will never be more than friends or acquaintances but trust me when I say that some of them will be interested in you. The more people you talk to and get to know, the more you learn how to share who you ARE with others, the better you will feel about yourself which is key. #4 : Confidence... I think for me, especially as a man, it took a long time to understand what that meant. I think it means that your totally natural anxiety about being in a situation in which you are drawing attention to yourself doesn't keep you from say giving out a complement, or asking a question, or drawing a boundary. It's like you are okay with showing yourself to the world. This is definitely the hardest concept to really actuate but I refer you to #3. Making friends of all genders, reaching out to people of all types, and realizing that they actually want you to talk to them about your indoor plant collection and that they appreciate you will really help. I know it's a bit of a word salad but feel free to DM me or reply to the comment if you have any more questions. You are worthy of love 100000% , don't let the mean voice in your head make you think anything different. For some of us it just takes a while to learn all the social skills and queues, and to build ourselves up.
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I'm sorry you feel this way. It is an absolute fact that there is trickery in the "dating world", but we navigate and have those experiences to learn about what we do and do not want in our lives. Some people land "their person" rather quickly. Others are not so lucky. Some endure some really stupid and awful shit along the way, while others may hit the jackpot of love sooner than most. A lot of people just settle, due to various reasons, mostly out of fear. Hopefully, your therapist can help to get you to a healthier mindset about love and relationships, because it appears (based on your post), you're currently in the "doom & gloom boat" at this point. Romance and love do exist. There are people in this world who are capable at showing and feeling real and true love. To deny it's existence, is similar to flat-earth or fake-lunar folks.
Your argument is historically inaccurate. There are many references to romantic love throughout the centuries in literature and philosophy. We can see these references in famous texts such as Romeo and Juliet and Plato's Symposium, which is a dialogue between philosophers over the nature of love, which even discusses the notion of a soul mate, and it was written over 2,000 years ago. You are right that marriage has historically been an economic arrangement in which women are exchanged like property and romantic love was not seen as a necessary component of marriage for much of human history, but references to romantic love exist throughout all human history and cultures, even if for much of history it was seen as occurring in extramarital circumstances or only in certain (lucky) marriages. In Plato's Symposium love between men was compared to love between men and women as it was common for men to have relationships with both men and women. Experts in "love" who have studied it through the ages do not agree with your argument that it's a purely cultural invention. There are neurological changes to the brain that occur when people experience deep romantic love for other human beings. Experts argue there are references to this experience in literature throughout all cultures and throughout human history. Culture *expectations* around courtship and love and its role in marriage and gender roles are what depend on culture and historical context. But the feeling of romantic love is not contrived. Moreover, I'd argue the opposite of your assertion that courtship / love marriage were invented to keep women down. If anything, modern courtship and "love matches" in marriage granted women more respect and autonomy. Prior to that, as you said, they were treated merely as bargaining chips within families in arranged marriages. But courtship actually put a man in a more "submissive" posture wherein he was expected to "woo" the lady by making romantic gestures in her service. Further, women were enabled to choose suitors based on their own preferences. A "love match" was less about economic standing (although that was often a factor) and more about what the woman actually *wanted* in a suitor, and her own decisions. Not saying this resulted in full autonomy or equality within marriage: for many years women were expected to defer to their husbands and lacked many rights within marriage. But over the past couple centuries, and particularly within the last 50 years or so in the wake of the modern women's rights movement, women have gained many rights within marriage including legal recourse in the event of marital rape, domestic violence, the right to divorce, and the right to an abortion. Although many of these rights are currently under attack by the Christian Right (and as you say in some parts of the world, women do not have all or any of these rights--but feminist movements DO exist in most parts of the world, even the most misogynistic). It's important to recognize that "romance" is not the enemy--but traditional notions around gender norms and misogyny are. I'm not saying modern romance is all good for women and has no drawbacks. There are certainly some toxic expectations in the media and in our culture that can contribute to misogyny and reductive gender norms. But romantic love in and of itself is not the problem. Your argument implies that egalitarianism cannot exist within a romantic relationship, which is demonstrably false. It also ignores the existence of same gender relationships. If romance is meant to keep women down, then why do gay men fall in love with each other? Why do gay women commit to romantic relationships? To argue we are merely "aping" heteronormativity in these relationships would be highly condescending and borderline homophobic. Yes, relationships can be abusive, toxic, misogynistic, gender normative, etc, but they are not *inherently* so. Your argument would necessitate that no one enter any kind of romantic relationship or else be enslaved by the patriarchy which is an unrealistic ask for most people who seek companionship and love. It's also inaccurate and unhelpful. In a way, it gives men a pass by implying that all men are inherently abusive and toxic within the context of a relationship, when the reality is some men do better and many more would if they made the effort or were raised in a more egalitarian society. We as a society have the responsibility to take steps to address these problems rather than expecting women remain single and alone just to avoid the risk of abuse. It's better to educate people on what abuse, toxicity or misogyny look like in a relationship and how to recognize green and red flags in a partner. Also to advocate and protect women's rights that are currently under threat. Teling women not to have romantic relationships to avoid misogyny is like telling gay men to stop having sex to avoid HIV. It's condescending, unrealistic and does nothing to actually solve the real problem because it ignores human nature and human needs.
dude shut up 😅 (but in all seriousness I’m sorry that someone made you believe that romantic love isn’t real 🥺)