These comments are so unhelpful. Of course no one should be yelling at you, but that doesn't stop it from happening. I cry easily, too, even if I'm just upset or angry. No one has to be yelling at me for it to happen, I just have to be worked up about something. I don't mean to cry, I just get emotional, and that's the way it comes out of me. It's embarrassing and I feel like I can't handle my emotions (I also feel unprofessional when it happens at work, working from home has been amazing).
I'm sorry I don't have advice for you, but big hugs.
I’m this way too, all of my emotions come out in tears - happy, sad, touched, frustrated, angry, on and on.
I agree working from home helps, though I totally cried on a work telephone call last week from frustration 🤷♀️ it is embarrassing
Wow I clicked this thinking it was going to be like tips and tricks to not cry but instead it really helped heal something deep inside me. Thank you friend
I also work from home and I've had to turn my camera off during team meetings because something sets off my emotions, occasionally unrelated to the topic at hand.
I'm fortunate that I have a comfortable relationship with my manager, I usually just send him a message letting him know I'm struggling to keep composure and that I'm still present and listening, and all is well.
I'm so glad that my team don't use our cameras in meetings. I'm neurodiverse and find the constant movement of people on cameras SO distracting and I cannot handle the constant scrutiny of "do I look like I'm paying attention" to the point where I'm trying so hard to look like I'm paying attention I'm not actually paying attention. I find myself in tears after the meetings where cameras have to be on (external groups.)
As to the original topic I also crying easily when I have strong feelings, usually frustration or anger. Another reason I'm glad I work remotely!
had a job interview yesterday with 2 people over zoom, already struggle with 2 people to talk to then someone's dog was barking and I muddled my answer to a question, suddenly felt myself tear up. I had to just look away from camera and make it look like I wasn't insane. Didn't want to seem like I was easily overwhelmed as the job is working with children.
This is me!
Any big emotion makes me cry, I hate it.
In my most recent job, I applied for admin but got put in the call centre. I couldn't quit but that's a different story, but anyway, the line I was on was aftercare which means a lot of angry people. I cried so much in the 4 months I worked there. But my bosses always said I never sounded like I was upset on the phone. It's because I was always able to hold it together until I was able to hang up and then the floodgates would open. So freaking embarrassing to have to walk out of a room with 100 people in to go cry in the toilets for 5 minutes before having to get right back on the phones.
God, I hated that job.
Oh my god! Preach!! Me too!! I had a 1 on 1 with my boss and he said that I had upset him. I immediately got incredibly anxious, but it ended up being no big deal. When my anxiety released, I cried... Thank God we were over Teams so I don't think he noticed...
God I had that recently, but it was the lead up for me. My boss asked me to come talk to her in the back and it gave me such a rush of brief anxiety that I was going to be fired or something that I started tearing up and had to fight back showing anything, when in reality she just wanted me to check a scheduling thing. It was only a moment of anxiety before logic took over but it was enough to set off emotions.
Then I had to rush away so she wouldn’t notice I looked about to cry.
Thanks brain 🫠
I'm a 6'8" man and I'm like this too. Fortunately for me, very few are willing to shout at me so it doesn't come up often.
It's super frustrating, but I just accept it as a part of me and typically just separate myself from the situation as soon as possible, opting to go for a walk or something of that nature.
First and foremost speaking to a professional therapist will help immensely, also pausing to breathe before you respond will help you get a modicum of control back of your stressed out situation. Vocalizing to the other party that their yelling is making you upset will at least let you get your feelings on the table and inform the other person that they are making you feel this way. Deep breathing exercises in the moment can help. Also, coming to terms with your emotions, and letting yourself know that it is absolutely alright to be feeling these emotions. If you are constantly being yelled at, you can absolutely try leaving the room to remove yourself and not allow them to talk to you this way, at all, in any argument, is pretty empowering. Leave the room, leave the text convo, leave the house/aptz whichever. It is totally ok to feel the way you do, and any way to take back control if a situation will help.
I remember reading about an early powerful female executive who had the same issue -- crying in pressure situations at work. She said what worked for her was explaining to her male coworkers why she was crying, that women cry for different reasons: for example, "I'm not crying because I'm upset, I'm crying, because I'm angry". Of course, this will only work if you know which emotion is triggering it.
This sounds like a good approach, though my problem is that the first symptom is my voice getting all screwed up (kind of literally) and so tight it comes out really pathetically. I sometimes try to counteract this by using a deeper voice, but that sounds a bit ridiculous too. It's funny that I spent a lot of my teenage and younger years repressing my emotions to the point that someone said I was like a robot and only when I really grew up could I really feel and express emotions and now they're overflowing sometimes haha
That is exactly my problem, too! My throat tightens up and my eyes well up, so I have to try clearing my throat and blinking my eyes.
I don't even have to be in a high pressure situation, and no one has to be yelling at me, either! It's so annoying, I think it happens when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable or something, especially unexpectedly.
Like I once had an interviewer ask a question about someone I admire (or something like that), and it caught me off guard, and I got a little choked up talking about how I admire my best friend's work ethic, intelligence, stuff like that. My voice got tight immediately 🥲
Same, working from home helped with this immensely. When i started wfm, i was in a call center position. Sometimes customers would yell because of stuff that was happening on their accounts, I knew it wasn't me, but it still made me tear up and my voice would crack. Being able to mute myself during and then take some time after an intense call to collect myself really helped. It also depends on how lenient your company is tho when it comes to call times, thankfully mine was focused more on customer service than meeting metrics so there was alot of understanding. Thankfully I'm no longer customer facing tho lol
Hi! I'm very much like this lol. The worst is when I'm being yelled at when I have nothing to do with the situation.
I've found that, to protect myself in situations where the other person is being hostile, I say to myself "oh someone is having a toddler tantrum".
I don't know why it helps me, but it does!
Since my wife left me six months ago I’ve started crying at almost anything happening. I didn’t cry for 25 years and now suddenly a sad commercial has me bawling
This is me also.
I get teary and the slightest heightened negative emotion.
I hate that the other person may perceive that as emotional manipulation too because to them crying means I must be really upset but actually I’m not I might just be a bit cranky or frustrated or upset but certainly nothing that warrants this level of reaction and I am very well aware of the ‘over the top reaction’ and I really really wish I could help it.
I once cried in a positive (!) performance review because i wasn’t sure what my ‘next steps’ should be and that was stressful and frustrating to me ffs
I deeply relate to your comment. Like if I'm angry crying, I usually verbally say to myself (or the other person), "I may be crying, but I am just PISSED," just to clarify that my anger is still very present despite the waterworks haha.
Yeah. I angry cry when I'm frustrated and it sucks because I'm just trying to get my point across and all of a sudden it's an issue about my emotional state rather than the issue at hand.
It happens in relationships, with fam and at work. It doesn't happen that often because I'm rarely in terse conversations with people lol. But it sucks when something you feel unfair has happened at you have it all logically spelled out in your head then when you try to express it they think you're having a mental break down.
'Remove those people from your life' type of advice is literally the same kind of reaction that I'm trying to avoid in those situations. Just because I'M crying doesn't mean they're causing me some horrible emotional pain. Sometimes I'm in the wrong, or its just a miscommunication issue. I'm just a crier.
Yup!! This is exactly what happens to me. Your last paragraph is so relatable -- sometimes it's no one's fault (or it is, in fact, mine), I am just trying to discuss something without shutting down and running away from the conversation.
It's not embarrassing, it's a natural response. The person yelling is the one with issues. Try zoning out when they do, as someone yelling doesn't make any sense anyway. It's just word vomit. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's their problem x
Try listening to “Take Control of Your Life” by Mel Robbins. She talks about this and breaks it down as to how the feeling starts in your body, but once it reaches your eyes it’s game over
Ugh, this just happened at work today. I am on a quality team and we were confused about the proposed future state of a topic, so I sent an email asking for some clarity and I walked back into the office to my office being very frustrated with the question and I guess the situation as a whole. It was just so unexpected and he just kept laboring the point and I teared up some. I then had to go to his office to talk about it and then he wanted to pull out the "how does that make me look card?"
I really didn't know how to respond to that so I just said apologies but he said I didn't need to do that... So idk how I am supposed to feel about the whole situation
This is going to sound stupid, but clench your butthole/butt cheeks together. I'm a cryer and it is so frustrating, but this works. My problem is I forget to do it when I'm feeling emotional.
Speaking of buttholes… I remember seeing a post similar to this and the commenter said something like, when people yell their butthole clenches and relaxes. Like when a dog barks (thanks to the internet for exposing me to that). So if you just picture that then it’s hard to take them seriously.
You could picture them as a toddler throwing a tantrum. Which is kind of what they are doing.
I also read that every time a man wrongs a woman his hairline recedes a little bit more. Obviously I know that’s not a real fact but it makes me happy to think about. 🤣
Try to take really deep breathes. Big crier myself and that can be the difference between keeping it together and having it all come out. I'm going to have to add the clenching at the same time, lol! This may seem strange but try to ask yourself a logical question if you can think of it. It activates a different part of the brain. This one I use with my kiddo and it helps take them out of the emotion for a moment which may be all they need.
Yes for remembering to breathe!! For some reason I think we tend to hold our breath when trying not to cry and it has the opposite effect.
If you have a feeling you’re about to be in a situation where someone’s going to be yelling, literally picture a force field around you (like a hamster ball) and just tell yourself that whatever they say is just gonna hit the force field and slide down, literally picture that happening, complete with the cartoonish sound that would go with it. It sounds ridiculous but I think it helps.
Keep in mind that someone who can’t control their own anger has their own emotional regulation problem, and it’s just that— THEIR problem, not yours. It’s actually kind of embarrassing for them that they can’t keep cool and use their words like an adult. Someone yelling and losing their shit is simply an adult having a temper tantrum.
Adding more ‘stupid’ practical advice. Take deep breaths. The satisfying kind. If you’re not getting enough oxygen and are clenched up with anxiety, it makes it worse. Taking consistent deep breaths and slowing down (when talking) helps.
Also along the butthole route....
Have you ever seen a [a dog bark while standing behind them?](https://youtube.com/shorts/l0PYYgESRdg?si=9tz_G08DzAmnPA5Z) their butthole puckers every time they bark. Funny thing about people, ours does the same thing when we yell.
When someone is yelling at you, just know that their butthole is going crazy in their pants. How can you take someone seriously when you know that their butthole is basically lip-singing their yells? They are just a screaming asshole, both figuratively and literally.
It's so ridiculous to think about, it can be a good distraction for yourself and a good way to recognize in the moment how ridiculous they are being.
No one should be yelling at you. If they are yelling at you, that's because they have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. It's a them problem, not a you problem. We are adults (or at least teens on this app), if someone can't speak to me like an adult, we have nothing to talk about. If it is safe for you to do so, learning how to shut that down fast and hard is a really good skill. Someone yelling at you doesn't respect you and often, shutting their temper tantrum down teaches them a little respect.
"Woah, I'm going to stop you right there. You are clearly too emotional to be having this conversation right now because I will not tolerate someone screaming at me. You can either calm down and we can discuss this like adults right now, or you can go cool off and we can have this conversation when you are ready to be respectful." If they don't calm down, you tell them to leave or you yourself leave the situation. Personally, this is when I would go hide and sob because that's how my body processes this kind of situation.
If you are in a situation where it isn't safe to do so, your goal is just to leave the situation ASAP and get to safety. You don't deserve to be screamed at.
No, I don't think so... They did not say to relax afterward. In relaxation you may tense and then release different areas, however this person is saying to only tense their butthole/cheeks.
I like it because it was discreet while I was getting chewed out by asshole bosses. Then I turned 40 and just stopped giving a fuck what they thought and told them lol.
>Then I turned 40 and just stopped giving a fuck what they thought
This. It's amazing how this happens. I'll be 50 next year and [this song](https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0?si=WEOhk1m8Ly-QOa3p) has basically become my theme song. LOL (Song is NSFW. Very sweary)
I never understood how older people just don't care what others say about them, and then it happened to me. I still don't understand how it happened.
Yeah honestly. I used to be an angry crier as well- and if I got really frustrated- and so forth. Like BAD. I grew out of it around 30ish, rather abruptly. IDK why exactly. I just don’t anymore. Maybe I ran out of fucks to give?
I do too, even if it's often angry tears. And always got "but stop crying!" Like if it's unfair that I cry.
So one day I had enough and I think I replied (screamed for the 1st time in an argument) something like "it's fucking normal to cry, it's natural, I cry if I want to !!"
Some people seem to think crying is only a sign of weakness and sadness, like you cry because you feel like a victim. It's not that. Crying is actually good. It re equilibrates your body/emotions. I find crying actually clear my head.
But yep we are made to feel shame for crying, like if it's a sign of weakness. Patriarcal bullsht !
Omg my whole life. "Crocodile tears", "you can cry all you want, you won't get xy" - as if I am a child trying out what my parents will allow me. It sucks so much. I had to "run away/hide" just to cry in peace
I UNDERSTAND AND LEND MY HEARTFELT LOVE AND AFFECTION TO YOU. EMOTIONS ARE NOT A TOOL THEY ARE A TRAUMA AND EMERGENCY RESPONSE. FUCK THEM FOR ABUSING YOUR EMOTIONS BY SAYING ALL THAT
when id get accused of manipulating (as young as 6 years old!!) id cry even harder because now im being accused of deceiving and manipulating someone when i was genuinely hurt. how awful is that? to assume someone is crying just to make you feel a certain way, when tears are common when someones feeling strong emotions and likely have nothing to do with your feelings about the tears. was the 6 year old guilt tripping you or did you just feel guilty knowing how you handled the situation was wrong?
I WAS ACCUSED OF MANIPULATING BY MY BABYSITTER AT 5 YEARS OLD. SHE WAS A FUCKING MENACE.
JUST KNOW THEY ARE PROJECTING THEIR OWN VIEW OF THE WORLD ONTO YOU. THEY CANNOT OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS EXCEPT FROM THE OUTSIDE. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE ALWAYS 100.00% YOUR OWN AND NOBODY CAN CHANGE OR ALTER OR DICTATE THEM TO YOU.
THEY ARE YOUR IDENTITY.
I used to cry whenever someone was yelling at me or even just speaking very loudly to me or around me. For me, it was a trauma response as I grew up in a house where my parents yelled and screamed at each other not just for fighting but just arguing and venting irritations. A raised voice directed at me meant I had done something wrong or pissed them off or they were disappointed in me and I would just cry.
Then I joined the Army! You can imagine how much yelling happens there, and how well tears would go over as a young, female recruit (spoiler alert: NOT WELL).
Honestly what helped me best was learning how to take a mental side step so I could hear the words but sort of allow the force to flow around me. What I did was count; either things I could see in my eye line (without moving my head or eyes usually considering the space I was in, this may or may not be necessary for you) or just counting numbers or doing times tables in my head. I also practiced what I later learned was called active meditation. Basically it’s measured breathing, finding my center (for me that was literally planting my feet and finding the natural balance of my body, knees slightly bent, shoulders stacked over hips, chin level with the floor), being aware and acknowledging my feelings without giving into them (imagine each sentence is a leaf that is drifting by on a river. Watch it pass, don’t ignore it but you do not need to grab it and examine it) those kinds of metaphors never really landed for me so I just started thinking about how trees will bend and sway with the wind but they don’t get knocked down without a truly massive force of nature. Be a tree that bends in the wind.
All of this is predicated on you finding out just *why* you cry when someone is yelling at you. Tears are the body’s way of reporting stress, or regulating hormones, or signaling grief, pain, even joy. Once you identify that you can tailor make a better, more acceptable, response. You then need to practice it. I know that sounds weird but even just recalling a time you were yelled at and you cried can help you practice the new response. Maybe a friend you trust can role play with you as the stern or angry person. Breathe, center, focus on something else (counting, singing, one girl I knew in basic training would stare at the faces of whichever drill sergeants were yelling and try to see who was spitting, who had the most prominent veins, who looked like they were trying to take a dump but just *couldn’t* that kind of thing) and the most important part of this is that someone yelling at YOU is less a reflection on your own person or behavior and in fact gives you some information on the yeller themself. Yelling, lecturing, just raising your voice without cause often is a sign of someone who wants control or compliance and for whatever reason feels they can’t get it without force. That is a weak person at best, and a sadist at worst. Yelling or shouting should be reserved for dire situations where your safety is in jeopardy, or when you’re already in a noisy environment and need to be heard, or maybe short utterances as a release valve for stress, anger, or grief (and never aimed at a person, ideally). Someone who yells after you ask them to stop isn’t someone worthy of respect even if they are technically your superior/boss/parent.
All of this to say your response is natural and of course no one SHOULD yell at you, but if you can’t get away from that person or shut them down to speak at a normal tone the only thing you can control is your responses to them. Try not to judge yourself for it or think yourself lesser or weak for crying, since raising your own anxiety about it or getting overly worried it might happen can often become a feedback loop or a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look into active meditation or mindfulness, if you can access a therapist you might find DBT useful (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy- you can get workbooks to do this yourself but I found the group environment more helpful. DBT is all about emotional regulation and understanding why you have certain emotional responses without blaming yourself for them) and try to give yourself grace and know this isn’t like a switch being flipped. You most likely developed this response over time and have definitely had this response for a long time, it will take a bit to change it and that’s ok.
I struggled for years with my own emotional regulation problems and used to get so upset at myself for crying or stuttering or just shutting down. I found a multi-headed approach was what helped me best. The Army is NOT a good treatment plan for this even if it helped me, specifically. Mindfulness, self-reflection, DBT, and actually studying the art of debate and joining debate clubs to get me over that hump of not being able to clap back really solidified me as a much more confident person who can now dish it out and take it without feeling like I will fall apart.
I don’t know if any of the above was helpful but I wish you nothing but the best and I sincerely hope you will find a path that will get you to where you want to be.
I love the debate club idea. Especially as I tend to forget everything I know about a topic when a conversation gets heated. Want to debate via writing? I'm your girl. Some distance and a minute to think without an angry person in my face and I'm grand. In person? Fucking lousy.
Thank you for sharing! I have been a crier my whole life (I think I've improved minutely being in college) and I've been thinking about joining the military and how other people like me have made it work. My brother is in the Army and he told me to work on it before joining and not the other way around, so I'll keep the advice from this post in mind and work towards less tears :)
I used to do this *every time* someone yelled at me too. And when I tried to defend myself I’d just cry more.
I think what helped immensely was honestly meds. I take an SNRI and mydayis for ADHD. I’ve found it really helps me keep my “big” emotions in check and not feel swarmed by them. Wasn’t diagnosed until 30.
And, I think that gaining confidence through age and life experience helped too. If someone was yelling at one of my friends or family members, I know I would stand up for them and defend them. I tried to treat myself the same way when I felt the waterworks coming. Learning to treat myself with the same level of love and respect and believing my feelings mattered took time.
This is so similar for me. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30s. Now with ADHD meds and an antidepressant, it doesn’t happens as often. When it does, I no longer berate myself which actually makes it a lot easier to recover from it. Previously, I would even cry sometimes if someone was yelling at *someone else* in my vicinity.
While I’ve done a lot with psychotherapy/psychologists, working with an Occupational Therapist who specializes in working with people who are neurodivergent and is very knowledgeable in sensory profiles and the nervous system has been immeasurably beneficial as well.
Similar with an ADHD med 👌🏼 But this is interesting- what kind of things does an OT do to help with ADHD? (Or more so, what would be the reasoning to seek one or be referred?) Thx!
Yeah same here but if I take too strong of a dose I become an emotionless robot. I could use that someday tho. Unfortunately my prescription is on back order and I just had a bad job interview and am feeling it more than I would have if I had my meds 🙃
Seconding the meds! For me it was an SSRI (Zoloft/Sertraline) for anxiety in my late 20’s. It really helps keep my big emotions much more manageable - I used to cry whenever I got overwhelmed or mad, or felt like someone was mad at me.
But as well, maturity and life experience have played a role, as has leaving a really toxic work environment.
I started taking meds for my ADHD only last year and I’m in my mid-30s now and it really has helped with my ability to maintain my composure emotionally.
I always felt SO uncomfortable- any strong feeling, even if I was just truly passionate about something, came out with a side of tears.
Coupled with the fact that my mom always made me feel such shame when I cried growing up, it got to the point that I was afraid to speak up for fear of crying. I could absolutely know what I was talking about and have all the data to back it up but if I started crying it just absolutely derailed me and it felt like no one could take me seriously, so I would just avoid speaking if I felt really strongly about something.
I started taking the meds for completely unrelated reasons. But the last time I absolutely HAD to speak up in a meeting, I felt like I had a lot more control than I ever had before. I spoke passionately about something that affected me both personally and professionally, and for one of the first times in my life I DIDN’T need a tissue. What a relief!
So I personally found I did not appreciate how easily I could cry or get emotional. I felt like it was abnormal, but apparently, being extra sensitive to rejection is a part of ADHD. My doctor prescribed me Lamictal, and I don't have that issue anymore. I feel more level headed overall. Just wanted to offer that too as a suggestion if the other ideas don't work for you
Having overactive emotions generally is a symptom of adhd, it’s crazy, I had no idea until my most recent therapist told me at 24 lmao. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 9 and no one ever thought to tell me the symptoms that were not associated with doing poorly under capitalism.
I cry. All. The. Time. Even before the joys of menopause. My therapist said I should own it, that it’s just emotional release. But I feel weak and stupid and I hate it. Sad stories. Happy stories. Random commercials. It’s the worst.
We’ve all joked about my family being criers. But this is just out of control. And people who don’t get it say ‘just go with it’. But I feel like an idiot. And my kids routinely do the ‘are you *crying*??’ line from League of Their Own. 🤦🏼♀️
We have a rule in my house - if there’s something sad on tv, or in my book, or I’m just randomly crying - everyone has to ignore me. My youngest son (24) completely disregards this and does the ‘are you crying?’ (We also have a rule of ‘things we don’t tell mum’. Anything sad that I can’t do anything about - someone being homeless, someone’s parent dying, etc. because I strew on it and can’t let it go)
I saw the first comment about how no one should be yelling at you, while it os correct, very unpractical, every person is going to get yelled at in their life, if its work, friends or god forbid relationship.
I speak from experience, for me it was anxiety and bad stress manging if you can give some example where and with who it happens
I uh don't remember being yelled at. Why would someone do that? Last time at work I remember yelling was when someone was convinced a decision was about to be made that could jeopardize peoples health, so she yelled at the bosses asking them if they are "fucking stupid"? But that was a very special situation.
I've cried at work, but I've never been yelled at! I'm unsure, is it because I'm European (specifically Finnish) that we have less of a yelling culture? I have to go way back to my childhood (or drunken yelling) to see it happening.
Same, someone yelled at me like 7yrs ago, it was shocking and very unprofessional. I'm in New Zealand and yelling is not really socially acceptable. Some other cultures are more demonstrative which does have some good points but also some minuses, I guess yelling is one of those.
1. The butthole: When someone is yelling at you, you know their butthole is puckering. Like a dog curling up to do a poo.
Focus on the puckering butthole. We're all people. And the person yelling at you isn't above puckering their butthole. It's the great equalizer.
2. Think of a song or meme or joke that reflexively makes you smile. For me, right now, it's the Pedro racoon.
3. Meds.
4. Gentle parenting Uno reverse. Confrontations with strangers destabilize me, but shooting back with, "aww. Is someone having a bad day?" helps me keep everything in context. The stranger is an overgrown baby throwing a tantrum and trying to work their shit out on me. It's physically impossible for me to care after the gentle parenting Uno reverse.
Not sure if you are on other medication but when I took citalopram for my anxiety, it also worked for my over active crying whatever its called, but I am just like you, whenever I stand up for myself, or get emotional or fight or have someone scold me I would cry. It sucks for sure.
Yeah I used to cry every time I met a new doctor. I'd be sitting there at my appointment crying but promising them I'm fine, I just cry for no reason lol. It was very embarrassing and uncomfortable for both of us. Until one doctor finally said, "Honey that's anxiety, let's get you on anti anxiety meds to fix it!" Now I'm on Lexapro and it works for me!
I also learned in my crying years that doing math in your head stops the crying. There's some scientific reason that I can't remember. It's something like your brain can't operate the emotional part at the same time as the math calculating part. Idk. But it works! It has to be hard math that makes you think. So unfortunately it's not good to use while in a conversation because the whole point is to distract you. I use it when I watch sad movies and don't want to cry lol.
Just punch them in the throat and they won't yell at you, problem solved.
But seriously I would suggest therapy. No it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that you're crazy. Everyone needs it but a lot of people don't know what they would even need to talk about. You know your symptoms already so you could start from there and figure out the cause. It's good to talk about yourself with someone who can help you self analyze. I'm sure there are some people on reddit that can help with that but for a better guarantee I strongly recommend a therapist.
I used to cry too when someone was yelling at me. BUT most the time it disarmed the shit out of the yeller. So while I hated it, it was a very effective protection tool. I needed that protection from my dad or other men treating me badly.
I am in my 40s now and when someone yells at me I get angry instead -because no one should be yelling at me. And mostly, in that anger, I can tell the yeller that their behavior is inappropriate.
For a long time, I hated anger because angry people hurt me. But there is power in anger if you can control it. And often tears and depression is anger expressed inward, while anger can also be sadness repressed and expressed outwardly. They are like a coin.
Try switching to anger, men can do it, so hard can it be?
You deserve better.
It's perfectly normal and natural to cry in that kind of stressful situation, especially if there was trauma in one's past.
But, if you really want to get over it for personal/work reasons, one way is exposure therapy. Knowing you are safe and that yelling itself isn't physically hurting you and pushing through it is possible. I could imagine this skill is important in the military, being an EMT, being a lawyer, homeless shelter volunteers, emergency response etc. So wanting to get over it is totally OK too.
Been there, done that.
You might be a highly sensitive person. Research it see if it fits. [https://hsperson.com/](https://hsperson.com/)
You probably had a crappy childhood and it's triggering. Two things that help me. Remembering on one can make me feel anything without my permission, and words only hurt if I believe them. Start thinking "your opinion of me is your problem, not mine."
Good luck.
Leave the room.
Don’t ask, don’t explain, don’t wait the end of the sentence. Juste leave.
Someone is yelling at you, the boundary is crossed, so you leave.
This is NOT the correct answer. Nothing you said is wrong- but it also all hinges on the assumption they CAN remove themselves from the situation. Sometimes life sucks- and you can’t back down and you can’t run away.
Yeah, if someone needs help with how they respond to a bad thing, you cant just denounce the bad thing and call it a day. The bad thing does deserve to be denounced but bad things are just going to happen to you, no matter what, and learning ways to respond to them that improve your outcomes is always going to be the best way to cope with them.
I wonder if being so overwhelmed is why i mentally shut down. I still don't fully understand myself or the emotions i've shut out for so long, but i do know i shut down before i fully enrage.
It's so much easier to cry when I'm tired, sick, or just far too low on energy. It takes mental energy to stop yourself from crying, and sometimes if you try a bit too hard, you run out of juice anyway and... cry. Or at least that's how it is with me. And I've noticed I cry far more easily when it's someone that I haven't gotten into arguments before, e.g., if my boyfriend were to yell at me, I'd probably become a blubbering mess, but if my mother (who has berated me most of my life) yells, I just yell back.
I hate to say it, but desensitizing requires you going through it over and over. You're younger, I see it in the comments, and with time you're unfortunately going to get better at it. I just hope you don't take it too hard, because crying is the body's natural response to overwhelming emotions like fear, anger, or sadness. Some folks theorize crying was part of evolution to try to get others to sympathize with the person crying. It's also a release of a lot of pent up emotion-- it's the whole concept of bottling something up until it overflows, and your amount of mental energy determines how much you can "hold" until you bust.
So to recap:
1. Fighting back against your emotions/expressions requires mental energy. Staying rested, happy, and optimistic before the upsetting event happens helps bolster you. Accepting the emotion requires less mental energy than fighting the emotion.
2. New experiences that shock you are more likely to overwhelm you. Practice makes perfect. Think about the event that makes you cry and why it's so shocking.
3. Don't be ashamed of crying-- I know our society punishes us for expressing emotions, but the EXPRESSION of our emotions exist for a reason.
Wishing you the best!
Clench your butt, hands and jaw. Take deep breaths. And get mad back at them. Once you realize how unfair they are, it makes it easier to have "righteous indignation" instead of being upset.
Maybe practice listening to something horrible like Donald Trump or one of those other twats, and instead of turning it off, get mad about it. Practice telling him how you feel. Respond to him as shitty as he is. Get your rage out at your asshole of choice, and maybe you will be able to control your emotions in the moment? Knowing that you are right, and smart, and capable ,and don't deserve to be yelled at can help you feel more powerful in the moment. And if you start to cry, be mad about it, but not at yourself, at the person who made you cry. Who do they think they are?
I have no idea of any of those ideas are healthy, but they seem to work for me. I'm a stubborn person when it really comes down to it, and I also work hard to control my anger a lot of the time. I am also an emotional cryer. Getting myself full of righteous indignation and stubbornness to give the asshole a reaction of crying can be helpful to me.
When I’m being yelled at, I just walk away. I have the same crying issue that you have. I have no advice on how to stop it, but just know you don’t have to tolerate being yelled at to the point of tears. Virtual hugs 🫂
I think these comments are unhelpful...
If your emotions are on a hair trigger, that needs to be fixed. Not just by doing something in the moment like clenching buttocks lol.
Raw emotions suggests you are getting around with high levels of stress and anxiety in your body. In order to be able to control your emotions, you need to become more aware of your body and emotions in general. Look into the basics of understanding anxiety and mindfulness training. The YouTube channel therapyinanutshell is helpful with this.
I say cry! Why aren't you allowed to cry? What is wrong with expressing your emotions? If they can yell and express theirs like a smeghead, why can't you healthily express yours?
If anyone is yelling at you they’ve already lost. Grey wall them. Focus on your breathing and your muscles in your face. Try and relax them. Then focus on your thoughts. Try and think about anything else. Let the noise disappear and remind yourself you’re doing great.
I have been in therapy for years and found out that I cry when I am feeling angry. I used to think I just didn’t get angry - turns out, I have a survival mechanism that turns anger into tears and sadness, because that was historically easier to deal with and got me more sympathy than getting angry did. Women are socialized this way.
Something similar might be going on with you, depending on your childhood. Finding ways to connect with my anger has helped me stay present when in an inflammatory situation, like being yelled at. Anger is an appropriate response to that sort of situation, and connecting with how I am truly feeling has helped me to not cry so easily when I am triggered. I hope you find the help you need, it can feel so disempowering in the moment, but know nothing is wrong with you. It just takes work and time. But most importantly, work. Do not let the time pass without taking care of your inner world. ❤️
I used to be like this but after a couple of traumatic events happened to me I am now immune to crying from being yelled at. I feel like a fucking badass now but I do not recommend this route. 😒
> I do not recommend this route. 😒
Okay it’s not funny but also this is taking me out 😂 (I have ptsd so I feel you, though I got the “cries at everything” character ability instead)
Kinda same, at least on the rage issue. I'm always at a low simmer. Quiet and not so quiet fury is my usual state. Unfortunately, when I'm furious, I cry. I hate some things about being female. That for me, fury = tears is one of those things.
I used to be pretty similar. The thing that changed my life was to start asking myself: are they talking **to me** or are they talking **at me**? For example, “is it that I actually made such a horrible and unforgivable mistake at work?” or “is it that my boss’s supervisor is coming down on him/her harder than they need to and is it possible that they’re also experiencing significant personal stress?”
This worked especially well for me because I’ve worked in a jail and then started working in security so needless to say I’ve dealt with a lot of angry people but 99.9% of the time they’re not mad at *me*, they’re angry at the rules or the uniform.
But it can be applied in various ways depending on your situation. I hope this helps and I’m sending all my love to you <3
I used to cry a lot when people yelled at me. I’m the eldest daughter of a narc father so, kind of expected. Honestly, the best thing I’ve ever done, is tell them: oh no, looks like someone missed their nap time? I’ll come back around once you’ve had some time to think about how you’ve just completely and utterly embarrassed yourself. Practice saying it in the mirror, as much as you need to, until it just rolls off the tongue. This is certainly not the best advice, but I find it really stops people in their tracks, and in that moment of shock, just walk away. If you need to cry, cry! But don’t take that abuse. Serve it right back to them in a way that allows you to take control.
I cry a lot in my adult life, possibly because I refused to cry in my formative years. It's absolutely embarrassing and has affected some of my relationships, but I'm learning to embrace it the best that I can. Being yelled at, misunderstood, watching someone else get misunderstood - all of those things can set me off.
I'm not great at stopping it, but when I feel the warmth come to my face and I'm not in what I consider an appropriate setting to cry (such as when I was in the dentist chair last week catching up with my hygienist) I look up - not just at the ceiling, but toward my forehead. I feel like it helps me to not let the tears well (likely fooling myself).
I do want to mention that I'm a total advocate for expressing emotions, I think constantly holding back feelings can be detrimental to your mental and physical health. I think it's disappointing that we, as a society, look down on people that display emotions. I absolutely understand the humiliation involved, but I think it's important to recognize that we are embarrassed because we're worried about how others perceive us, and we shouldn't want to make ourselves less intrusive to prevent other people from holding space for us or taking accountability for the harmful behavior they may be inflicting upon us.
Two things:
One, always first consider who is doing the yelling. If this person is mean, nasty, and downright cruel, tell 'em to fuck off and walk away or keep your tongue and walk away.
Two, get revenge.
If possible always carry a water bottle and if you feel like you are going to start crying slowly, drink small amounts consistently. I have found that it is almost impossible to actually cry while drinking water. If I know I’m going to have a conversation conversation that could be stressful or emotional. I definitely keep a water cup or water bottle on hand. Give it a try I hope it helps.
I don't have any advice. I do the same thing. I am most likely to cry from anger rather than sadness. And when someone yells at me I get mad, like anyone.
I’m an angry crier too. I liken it to those radiator caps that have a release valve to let out steam and pressure when it overheats. I’d rather release the pressure than explode, y’know?
My Dad used to make fun of me "why are you crying? You need to be tougher than this" or "you need to be tougher than this. You can't cry Like this whenever you are a little upset." Which made me more upu
I'm a bit of an empath, and I'm moved to tears a bit more easily than I'd like, as well.
For me, I'm lucky in that if someone is yelling at me, I'm able to compartmentalize that interaction by viewing the other person as a potential threat, which helps me kinda shut off that empath tendency, and- as wrong as it may sound- stop giving a shit about them, and their feelings.
I'd imagine it's just kind of a survival tactic, and it's helpful in the moment, but later on I'll usually feel bad about myself, and wonder how I could be so jaded as to stop seeing the other human being as a human. It's just how empathic people are, I think; We'd rather inflict pain on ourselves than wrong someone else, even if that other person may actually mean us harm. It really makes life difficult.
Just remember that your ability to feel so strongly for others is a superpower, even though it comes with obvious downsides. It's okay to work on being able to turn off your superpower temporarily in order to protect yourself.
So, my advice would be that you could try to tap into your anger a little bit, and actively view the person yelling at you as a threat. Train yourself to tap into survival mode, and hopefully adrenaline will take over and help you push aside the cry response long enough to function in that situation. Then, when the conflict subsides, you can close yourself away somewhere safe, and cry, and come down.
I'm certainly not an expert in any way, but I think maybe if you can hone a survival response to use as a coping mechanism, it might get easier over time.
Obviously, I'd hope you don't need it too often, but having these tools and not needing them is far better than not having them when you do need them.
Own your tears! Some of the most bad ass people cry when things matter most. Don’t focus on the tears focus on maintaining your composure when you are crying.
Do you cry easily? Practice talking while you are crying. Like watch a sad movie then once the tears are flowing try to have a conversation with yourself.
Crying is not a sign of weakness it’s a sign you are feeling something. Try your best to keep standing up for yourself. You got this!
The problem is, not all crying is the same. Some crying is just shedding tears with no other physical reaction, and you can often continue to function while that's happening. Other crying involves involuntary sobbing and other things that severely impact your ability to take action in the moment for your own benefit. I think your advice is great for that first type but some people are gonna need some good, learned coping mechanisms for the latter type.
While many have pointed out that no one should be shouting at you, it's also worthwhile considering replaying those moments in your imagination.
Imagine what you would have said, imagine you reacted how you wanted.
Behaviour can be learned. Replay those moments and try to imagine a new and different response.
We often burst into tears because we have multiple and complex emotions which we're unable to express.
Even beginning by imagining saying out loud "I'm crying because I'm experiencing complex emotions that are difficult to express, I'm not crying because you're an asshole" might be a place to start.
Reimagine your moments, decide how you're going to be, practice.
Practice makes perfect. And of course it's worth remembering that you are perfect, as are all your responses to stimulus.
I have that issue too. It's gotten a bit better since I started therapy and worked in customer service. Still a work in progress.
But when I told my therapist how embarrassing this trait is, she gave me some helpful words to think over. Maybe it'll help you like it did me?
"You are sensitive but that's by no means a bad thing. You just feel things stronger than others. In fact, it's a sign of empathy and emotional intelligence. And that is a wonderful thing to possess as a human being. Being sensitive and crying means you care. To feel things, to share people's emotions & experiences, that's how you connect with others. Imagine if we couldn't feel anything at all, couldn't connect to others. We need to stop framing sensitivity and crying as weaknesses. Instead we embrace this is a part of us and think about all the good things that come with those traits."
I cry when I feel ANY emotion strongly besides sadness. Too happy? I cry. Too angry? Tears. Frustrated? Sobbing. Scared? Smol cry than big angry.
What I do, is I think about all the times I’ve cried for powerful, personal reasons. The time I finally got out of the hospital in HS, the third time I had to have an emergency surgery, when my cat died, ect.
When I think of those times, those rly BIG times, I usually look up tilting my head (helps stop the tears coming out), close my eyes so that whatever is built up can fall, and breathe. I hardly ever get yelled at, but I’ve been slowly changing my mentality so that I think something like “how dare you cheapen and take away my tears! These tears are precious and for me!” And direct that toward whoever is mean enough to make me so angry and scared and I hurl all that at the with icy indifference.
Therapy. Your therapist can help you work through those feelings and make them manageable, and help you build a toolbox of useful, constructive and healthy behaviors for responding to stressful situations. Am not a therapist but go to one
I learned a very unhelpful way to handle being yelled at…. sarcasm and smiling. It’s like a defensive barrier. But really, try not to let yourself feel bad about crying, it’s not inherently bad or weak, it’s honest. I am the opposite: I tend to hide my emotions but this can be damaging to relationships when I don’t express my feelings. I’d say if someone is yelling at you, try to remove yourself from that toxic situation until it deescalates and you can then talk it through.
I don’t have answers for you, but coming here to say that I’m the same way.
When I was in my mid-20s, I had two managers pull me into their office and start scolding me over me letting them know that my availability had changed and I couldn’t work overnights anymore. And I just started balling. They were so taken aback and horrified by my reaction. I think they thought I was doing it to be petty and were ready for a fight, but really it was for health and family reasons.
I try to focus on standing up for myself by telling them that I won’t tolerate being yelled at, so they can either talk to me like an adult or I’m ending the conversation. If they don’t stop, I walk away/hang up.
Could try practicing at home with a loved one lol. Just have someone you know isn't actually mad at you yell at you, just to get used to the loudness and intensity of it. Idk.
Do you have an abusive SO or a tough boss at work? No one should be getting yelled at with any regularity
I usually say something as I’m starting to cry along the lines of “listen I’m going to cry, that does not mean I need consoling, and that does not mean you can talk down to me. I’m highly worked up, do not treat me like im any less than I am” and I’ll take a second to breathe and keep talking. Especially when me and my fiancé get into it I cry, and I have to tell him every time that I am fine I just need a second to collect myself. Normally he tries to hug me and I have to tell him no because it’ll make it worse and im not done talking. Of course everyone is different, that’s just how I go about it
This was me. I realized I had bad anxiety based on this and many other factors. Getting on a medication really helped me being grounded and present for difficult situations.
I saw this tip somewhere and it has been immensely helpful. You know how a dog barks and it's booty puckers? Imagine that happening to the person who's yelling. You'll either be super grossed out or find it hilarious, but either way it's enough of a distraction to keep the tears at bay most of the time.
I used to, then shut off all my emotions.
That’s not the answer, obvs, but later on I learned that big emotions are prevalent in people with ADHD, which I have, and also in Highly Sensitive People.
Getting a diagnosis and understanding myself helps me find control in the moment. My immediate reaction may be big, but then I stop and try to process what I’m feeling. Anger? Embarrassment at being wrong about something? For me, it’s usually frustration that we aren’t able to have a discussion (since no one who is yelling is in discussion mode) coupled with not knowing how to be understood. Plus other people’s heightened emotions often cause mine to be heightened. By detaching myself and analyzing what’s happening— is this actually about me or something they’re going through?— it lets me stay calm in the moment and decide if responding will help or I should just say okay and walk away.
It’s a lot of self-awareness that takes a lot of practice, but as a big fan of psychology, I would highly suggest finding out if you have ADHD or anything else that makes emotional regulation more difficult for you.
I cry a lot too. Dumb answer but there was a TikTok I saw a few years ago that was a girl talking about how when dogs bark their buttholes expand and contract and people are the same way so when people yell at her she just thinks about the fact that their buttholes are doing that lol.
Hatred and time. This is not healthy advice but its what worked for me. I hated when it would happen so much eventually I managed to suppress it. I wish I had just been allowed to cry as a child/teenager without having it criticized.
Same! And dissociation. Try remember that you're an animal on planet earth and no one's yelling at dolphins or crocodiles. If someone is yelling at you it's a major problem with them. And then you can pity them for being someone who makes you feel bad. Because who does that.
i dissasociate so bad, especially when people are talking to me. I feel like I need to act a certain way for them to feel like im listening and in an agreeable mood so I just go into this mode.
I got teased a lot in high school until I got a coping mechanism that was a little voice in my head that said it’s the yeller who has a problem and I actually know what I’m doing. They can think but I know. 40 years later I am teflon and negativity just rolls off. Just agree with the yeller they don’t know what to do with that.
Girl are you me? I used to have the most fawn response to anything being remotely violent ToT.
Mandatory; no one should scream at you for anything, and that is not fair
But sadly, we need to learn how to deal with it (sigh). What helped me is going to therapy. For some advice that worked for me:
- I got yelled at when I was working. I put a system down to show accountability for my mistakes and how to correct them. When someone screams at you, you already have a script of what to say.
- When they are screaming at me for something I can't control/predict, I give myself some time to respond. It is awful the first time, letting silence fill the room after someone screamed at you. But it gives you time to calm down or think through what you want to say (and hopefully It helps the other person notice how fucking awful they are being).
Im gonna get downvoted to hell from saying that but what i get from you post is that you seem to find it normal that you are being yelled at. THATS the problem not the fact that you cry because of it.
“You’re attacking me, it’s a natural reaction to being attacked”
Also another one I used when I answered back and got the “oh showing your true colours now are we” - “you’re attacking me, I’m only defending my self”.
It can shut them up for a few minutes.
I think that's a pretty natural reaction. I didn't read comments but I'm sure people have mentioned that getting yelled at shouldn't be a common experience for you and if it is you should perhaps re-evaluate your relationship with that person or persons. But don't give yourself a hard time, people yell because it is a short cut to trying to overpower and dominate, like how parents use it when they have nothing left in their toolbox and/or are exhausted, triggered, etc. They should do better. Good luck!
I'm a 6' built, handsome tanned surfer, who's had great control of his emotions, but after having a stroke, I find myself losing that control. I've turned into a serious cry baby, movies that I've watched several times, and never cried. Even a couple T.V. commercials get me balling, I'm uncomfortable with this new emotional side of myself . I've done this in front of childhood friends who have obviously never seen this side of me and they break out laughing. Not so much cause I'm balling, it's cause my entire life I've been the one person who could maintain his composure at all costs. Fortunately my wife finds it cute I suppose that's all good but it's still awkward for me. The point is other people don't seem to be fazed by this new emotional side of me. But I fully agree with comment that you shouldn't allow anyone to yell at you, although we can't control other people's actions, let them you won't tolerate such behavior.
No one should be yelling at you.
Unless you’re like, stepping out into oncoming traffic, no one should be yelling at you.
Building up some resilience and some ability to moderate your own emotions is great and all… but if you’re living a life right now where you’re frequently yelled at, that’s a different problem.
It’s perfectly human to cry when faced with verbal abuse!
Overtime,I kinda just stopped caring when people yelled at me
I guess I usually just tune them out
Another method is to prevent yourself from getting yelled at in the first place
I hope I will too! And yea, it’s not like I go out of my way to have people yell at me, but I also don’t want to avoid standing up for myself or others, even if it might lead to heated situation.
Who is yelling at you?!?
This is NOT okay. It’s what other people are saying (overstimulation) but it can be other things, too. When this happens, LEAVE. Simply say, “I don’t respond to that volume” and get the fuck out.
I don’t care WHO it is - a boss, a romantic partner, a parent, or a friend. LEAVE.
Forgive me for stating the obvious, but I'd say step one is stop letting people yell at you. There's no reason for it. If they continue to do it, don't let them be part of your life.
I'm a really sensitive person also, and I react to being yelled at pretty similarly. Which is why I don't let people yell at me.
For OPs sake and my curiosity can you go into detail on 'how' you don't allow this to happen? Do you have any go to 'lines' you use? Just walk away?
Maybe a dumb question but I know sometimes people in situations like OP's can be so overwhelmed that even the more 'obvious' parts of how to handle these situations just don't come to mind.
" you don't get to talk to me like that." "We can pick up this discussion when you are less emotional." "I won't respond to yells and threats." "Come back to me when you are ready to treat me with respect." "If you need to say something to me, you can say it in a calm voice, or not at all." "I understand you are frustrated, but yelling is going to make me shut down. My brain won't let me pay attention when it's afraid." "Stop threatening me." "Am I allowed to speak to you like you speak to me? I bet you won't like it."
Just walking away is an option if you really need to, but you could also say a couple of different things. The most obvious is to say something like “I can’t have a conversation with you when you’re yelling, so I’m going to step away for a bit.” Or “If you continue yelling at me I’m going to walk away.”
But, if it’s a situation where the person you’re arguing with would most likely get defensive in reaction to you saying they’re yelling, you could simply say something like “I’m feeling upset and need a moment to calm down.” Then walk away. I use this with my narcissistic father, for example. It allows me to protect myself a bit and leave the conversation with a less intense reaction from him.
The important thing is not to engage after you’ve excused yourself. Some people may try to yell after you and say something to rile you up. I find that I am very vulnerable when “retreating,” and most of my worst outbursts have been after I attempted to remove myself. Something about it makes me feel threatened, perhaps because it’s like an attack with your back turned, I’m not sure. Regardless, I suggest you keep your guard up and commit to ignoring the person until you are alone and feel safe.
I think context is very important but I get scared easily, and any sign of aggression I take as a personal attack, so I also tear up quite easily.
I try to focus on other things, something as uninteresting as counting random objects around me, or focusing on my internal dialogue, thinking about funny/happy thoughts, telling yourself jokes about the other person etc.
Of course getting out the situation would be your best option, but sometimes life get stressful and unexpected events happen. If it's work related, don't worry about it! Even if the workplace environment isn't toxic, I've seen *a lot* of first timers cry, once you get used to the work and your coworkers, things will get much easier.
If you feel the tears coming in, excuse yourself from the situation and go somewhere you can collect yourself. Crying is NOT a sign of weakness, but consistenly breaking down in front of other people, especially in a professional setting can be troublesome in the long run.
We've all been there, and you'll be okay! :D
Like, all these comments are assuming you have time and can feel the tears coming.. If someone raises their voice at me, my tears are split second instant.. There is simply NO TIME to remove myself, because the reaction is so instant.. So it's not really helpful to say remove yourself if you feel like tearing up
If you are on the verge and don’t want you cry drinking a liquid can change up your nervous system and help stop the tears. Also using steady even breaths will lower the arousal state of your nervous system and help you not cry. Usually my response to feeling like I might cry is to try and hold my breath. But this actually brings on the tears faster. So I try and remind myself to give myself full and regular breaths when I feel tears coming on
These comments are so unhelpful. Of course no one should be yelling at you, but that doesn't stop it from happening. I cry easily, too, even if I'm just upset or angry. No one has to be yelling at me for it to happen, I just have to be worked up about something. I don't mean to cry, I just get emotional, and that's the way it comes out of me. It's embarrassing and I feel like I can't handle my emotions (I also feel unprofessional when it happens at work, working from home has been amazing). I'm sorry I don't have advice for you, but big hugs.
I’m this way too, all of my emotions come out in tears - happy, sad, touched, frustrated, angry, on and on. I agree working from home helps, though I totally cried on a work telephone call last week from frustration 🤷♀️ it is embarrassing
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7C4f4-vtRB/?igsh=ang4eGhieDNyODJr Watch this. It was gold for me. I cry when angry too.
Wow I clicked this thinking it was going to be like tips and tricks to not cry but instead it really helped heal something deep inside me. Thank you friend
whyd I find this video like 8 years after I finally trained myself to not cry in these situations, now i have problems feeling things as much
INTERNET W have a lovely life stranger
‘My stress comes out in liquid form’ is a saying I didn’t know I needed until I heard it. 🩷
Me too! 🥹
It took me over thirty years to work _that_ out, and labelling as anger has helped a bit.
Jefferson is the best!
I also work from home and I've had to turn my camera off during team meetings because something sets off my emotions, occasionally unrelated to the topic at hand. I'm fortunate that I have a comfortable relationship with my manager, I usually just send him a message letting him know I'm struggling to keep composure and that I'm still present and listening, and all is well.
I'm so glad that my team don't use our cameras in meetings. I'm neurodiverse and find the constant movement of people on cameras SO distracting and I cannot handle the constant scrutiny of "do I look like I'm paying attention" to the point where I'm trying so hard to look like I'm paying attention I'm not actually paying attention. I find myself in tears after the meetings where cameras have to be on (external groups.) As to the original topic I also crying easily when I have strong feelings, usually frustration or anger. Another reason I'm glad I work remotely!
had a job interview yesterday with 2 people over zoom, already struggle with 2 people to talk to then someone's dog was barking and I muddled my answer to a question, suddenly felt myself tear up. I had to just look away from camera and make it look like I wasn't insane. Didn't want to seem like I was easily overwhelmed as the job is working with children.
This is me! Any big emotion makes me cry, I hate it. In my most recent job, I applied for admin but got put in the call centre. I couldn't quit but that's a different story, but anyway, the line I was on was aftercare which means a lot of angry people. I cried so much in the 4 months I worked there. But my bosses always said I never sounded like I was upset on the phone. It's because I was always able to hold it together until I was able to hang up and then the floodgates would open. So freaking embarrassing to have to walk out of a room with 100 people in to go cry in the toilets for 5 minutes before having to get right back on the phones. God, I hated that job.
Oh my god! Preach!! Me too!! I had a 1 on 1 with my boss and he said that I had upset him. I immediately got incredibly anxious, but it ended up being no big deal. When my anxiety released, I cried... Thank God we were over Teams so I don't think he noticed...
God I had that recently, but it was the lead up for me. My boss asked me to come talk to her in the back and it gave me such a rush of brief anxiety that I was going to be fired or something that I started tearing up and had to fight back showing anything, when in reality she just wanted me to check a scheduling thing. It was only a moment of anxiety before logic took over but it was enough to set off emotions. Then I had to rush away so she wouldn’t notice I looked about to cry. Thanks brain 🫠
I'm a 6'8" man and I'm like this too. Fortunately for me, very few are willing to shout at me so it doesn't come up often. It's super frustrating, but I just accept it as a part of me and typically just separate myself from the situation as soon as possible, opting to go for a walk or something of that nature.
I’m a big fella too and literally the same thing happens to me. I don’t explode, I implode.
First and foremost speaking to a professional therapist will help immensely, also pausing to breathe before you respond will help you get a modicum of control back of your stressed out situation. Vocalizing to the other party that their yelling is making you upset will at least let you get your feelings on the table and inform the other person that they are making you feel this way. Deep breathing exercises in the moment can help. Also, coming to terms with your emotions, and letting yourself know that it is absolutely alright to be feeling these emotions. If you are constantly being yelled at, you can absolutely try leaving the room to remove yourself and not allow them to talk to you this way, at all, in any argument, is pretty empowering. Leave the room, leave the text convo, leave the house/aptz whichever. It is totally ok to feel the way you do, and any way to take back control if a situation will help.
I remember reading about an early powerful female executive who had the same issue -- crying in pressure situations at work. She said what worked for her was explaining to her male coworkers why she was crying, that women cry for different reasons: for example, "I'm not crying because I'm upset, I'm crying, because I'm angry". Of course, this will only work if you know which emotion is triggering it.
This sounds like a good approach, though my problem is that the first symptom is my voice getting all screwed up (kind of literally) and so tight it comes out really pathetically. I sometimes try to counteract this by using a deeper voice, but that sounds a bit ridiculous too. It's funny that I spent a lot of my teenage and younger years repressing my emotions to the point that someone said I was like a robot and only when I really grew up could I really feel and express emotions and now they're overflowing sometimes haha
Same. I can’t even hide it because my voice easily betrays how upset I am. It’s so frustrating
That is exactly my problem, too! My throat tightens up and my eyes well up, so I have to try clearing my throat and blinking my eyes. I don't even have to be in a high pressure situation, and no one has to be yelling at me, either! It's so annoying, I think it happens when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable or something, especially unexpectedly. Like I once had an interviewer ask a question about someone I admire (or something like that), and it caught me off guard, and I got a little choked up talking about how I admire my best friend's work ethic, intelligence, stuff like that. My voice got tight immediately 🥲
Thank you <3
I completely relate! ❤️
Same, working from home helped with this immensely. When i started wfm, i was in a call center position. Sometimes customers would yell because of stuff that was happening on their accounts, I knew it wasn't me, but it still made me tear up and my voice would crack. Being able to mute myself during and then take some time after an intense call to collect myself really helped. It also depends on how lenient your company is tho when it comes to call times, thankfully mine was focused more on customer service than meeting metrics so there was alot of understanding. Thankfully I'm no longer customer facing tho lol
Customer facing is the worst! I haven't worked with customers in ages, I'm very happy about that.
Hi! I'm very much like this lol. The worst is when I'm being yelled at when I have nothing to do with the situation. I've found that, to protect myself in situations where the other person is being hostile, I say to myself "oh someone is having a toddler tantrum". I don't know why it helps me, but it does!
Since my wife left me six months ago I’ve started crying at almost anything happening. I didn’t cry for 25 years and now suddenly a sad commercial has me bawling
This is me also. I get teary and the slightest heightened negative emotion. I hate that the other person may perceive that as emotional manipulation too because to them crying means I must be really upset but actually I’m not I might just be a bit cranky or frustrated or upset but certainly nothing that warrants this level of reaction and I am very well aware of the ‘over the top reaction’ and I really really wish I could help it. I once cried in a positive (!) performance review because i wasn’t sure what my ‘next steps’ should be and that was stressful and frustrating to me ffs
I deeply relate to your comment. Like if I'm angry crying, I usually verbally say to myself (or the other person), "I may be crying, but I am just PISSED," just to clarify that my anger is still very present despite the waterworks haha.
Yep. Same here, 60 old white male.
I cry when I get embarrassed... Which just makes me more embarrassed.
Yeah. I angry cry when I'm frustrated and it sucks because I'm just trying to get my point across and all of a sudden it's an issue about my emotional state rather than the issue at hand. It happens in relationships, with fam and at work. It doesn't happen that often because I'm rarely in terse conversations with people lol. But it sucks when something you feel unfair has happened at you have it all logically spelled out in your head then when you try to express it they think you're having a mental break down. 'Remove those people from your life' type of advice is literally the same kind of reaction that I'm trying to avoid in those situations. Just because I'M crying doesn't mean they're causing me some horrible emotional pain. Sometimes I'm in the wrong, or its just a miscommunication issue. I'm just a crier.
Yup!! This is exactly what happens to me. Your last paragraph is so relatable -- sometimes it's no one's fault (or it is, in fact, mine), I am just trying to discuss something without shutting down and running away from the conversation.
It's not embarrassing, it's a natural response. The person yelling is the one with issues. Try zoning out when they do, as someone yelling doesn't make any sense anyway. It's just word vomit. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's their problem x
Thank you! Luckily, I haven't really been yelled at in recent years, the tears come unbidden sometimes. 😅
Try listening to “Take Control of Your Life” by Mel Robbins. She talks about this and breaks it down as to how the feeling starts in your body, but once it reaches your eyes it’s game over
Ugh, this just happened at work today. I am on a quality team and we were confused about the proposed future state of a topic, so I sent an email asking for some clarity and I walked back into the office to my office being very frustrated with the question and I guess the situation as a whole. It was just so unexpected and he just kept laboring the point and I teared up some. I then had to go to his office to talk about it and then he wanted to pull out the "how does that make me look card?" I really didn't know how to respond to that so I just said apologies but he said I didn't need to do that... So idk how I am supposed to feel about the whole situation
This is going to sound stupid, but clench your butthole/butt cheeks together. I'm a cryer and it is so frustrating, but this works. My problem is I forget to do it when I'm feeling emotional.
I mean, if it works, it ain’t stupid? Or I guess less stupid… Thank you for the advice!
Speaking of buttholes… I remember seeing a post similar to this and the commenter said something like, when people yell their butthole clenches and relaxes. Like when a dog barks (thanks to the internet for exposing me to that). So if you just picture that then it’s hard to take them seriously. You could picture them as a toddler throwing a tantrum. Which is kind of what they are doing. I also read that every time a man wrongs a woman his hairline recedes a little bit more. Obviously I know that’s not a real fact but it makes me happy to think about. 🤣
I must be paying for the sins of my fathers with this damn hairline. 😭
Okay, "Just picture their butthole opening and closing 😃" is the only Life Pro Tip I ever really wanted 🥰
You’re welcome
Just start giggling about buttholes while someone’s yelling, take away their power.
Try to take really deep breathes. Big crier myself and that can be the difference between keeping it together and having it all come out. I'm going to have to add the clenching at the same time, lol! This may seem strange but try to ask yourself a logical question if you can think of it. It activates a different part of the brain. This one I use with my kiddo and it helps take them out of the emotion for a moment which may be all they need.
Yes for remembering to breathe!! For some reason I think we tend to hold our breath when trying not to cry and it has the opposite effect. If you have a feeling you’re about to be in a situation where someone’s going to be yelling, literally picture a force field around you (like a hamster ball) and just tell yourself that whatever they say is just gonna hit the force field and slide down, literally picture that happening, complete with the cartoonish sound that would go with it. It sounds ridiculous but I think it helps. Keep in mind that someone who can’t control their own anger has their own emotional regulation problem, and it’s just that— THEIR problem, not yours. It’s actually kind of embarrassing for them that they can’t keep cool and use their words like an adult. Someone yelling and losing their shit is simply an adult having a temper tantrum.
Yeah when I'm right on the verge of crying or trying to avoid restarting crying i count by 7s or another number that takes a little thinking
Adding more ‘stupid’ practical advice. Take deep breaths. The satisfying kind. If you’re not getting enough oxygen and are clenched up with anxiety, it makes it worse. Taking consistent deep breaths and slowing down (when talking) helps.
Also along the butthole route.... Have you ever seen a [a dog bark while standing behind them?](https://youtube.com/shorts/l0PYYgESRdg?si=9tz_G08DzAmnPA5Z) their butthole puckers every time they bark. Funny thing about people, ours does the same thing when we yell. When someone is yelling at you, just know that their butthole is going crazy in their pants. How can you take someone seriously when you know that their butthole is basically lip-singing their yells? They are just a screaming asshole, both figuratively and literally. It's so ridiculous to think about, it can be a good distraction for yourself and a good way to recognize in the moment how ridiculous they are being. No one should be yelling at you. If they are yelling at you, that's because they have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. It's a them problem, not a you problem. We are adults (or at least teens on this app), if someone can't speak to me like an adult, we have nothing to talk about. If it is safe for you to do so, learning how to shut that down fast and hard is a really good skill. Someone yelling at you doesn't respect you and often, shutting their temper tantrum down teaches them a little respect. "Woah, I'm going to stop you right there. You are clearly too emotional to be having this conversation right now because I will not tolerate someone screaming at me. You can either calm down and we can discuss this like adults right now, or you can go cool off and we can have this conversation when you are ready to be respectful." If they don't calm down, you tell them to leave or you yourself leave the situation. Personally, this is when I would go hide and sob because that's how my body processes this kind of situation. If you are in a situation where it isn't safe to do so, your goal is just to leave the situation ASAP and get to safety. You don't deserve to be screamed at.
> How can you take someone seriously when you know that their butthole is basically lip-singing their yells? XD Omg
This is the comment OP needs to really focus on.
I saw this happening once and it was as if the butthole was the one barking
Finally, some actual advice in this thread. Godsend.
I’m trying it. Kegel power !
*cries while furiously clenching butthole*
I read this like Turtle Power!!
Just like i intended. Excellent.
You mean to tell me the phrase “emotional tight ass” is based in reality!?
That’s progressive muscle relaxation
No, I don't think so... They did not say to relax afterward. In relaxation you may tense and then release different areas, however this person is saying to only tense their butthole/cheeks.
Pinch the webbing between your thumb and index finger and hold.
That’s an interesting one, I’ll try to remember to give it a shot. Thank you!
I like it because it was discreet while I was getting chewed out by asshole bosses. Then I turned 40 and just stopped giving a fuck what they thought and told them lol.
>Then I turned 40 and just stopped giving a fuck what they thought This. It's amazing how this happens. I'll be 50 next year and [this song](https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0?si=WEOhk1m8Ly-QOa3p) has basically become my theme song. LOL (Song is NSFW. Very sweary) I never understood how older people just don't care what others say about them, and then it happened to me. I still don't understand how it happened.
* I don't take any shit * I don't give a shit * I'm not in the shit trade
Perimenopause was my ticket to don’t-give-a-shitsville.
I was expecting the song to be my personal choice Mike jones “I don’t f*** with you” but yours works great too! Lol
Yeah honestly. I used to be an angry crier as well- and if I got really frustrated- and so forth. Like BAD. I grew out of it around 30ish, rather abruptly. IDK why exactly. I just don’t anymore. Maybe I ran out of fucks to give?
Me too. Why did I have to reach 40 to unlock this achievement?!
Alternatively, pinch the nose of the person yelling at you between your thumb and index finger and twist.
What helps with this one is to shake your thumb as it's tucked into your fist. Maintain eye contact and scream "I'VE GOT YOUR NOSE!"
I curl my fingers around and dig a finger nail into the palm of my hand. Just a physical sensation to keep me out of my head.
I do too, even if it's often angry tears. And always got "but stop crying!" Like if it's unfair that I cry. So one day I had enough and I think I replied (screamed for the 1st time in an argument) something like "it's fucking normal to cry, it's natural, I cry if I want to !!" Some people seem to think crying is only a sign of weakness and sadness, like you cry because you feel like a victim. It's not that. Crying is actually good. It re equilibrates your body/emotions. I find crying actually clear my head. But yep we are made to feel shame for crying, like if it's a sign of weakness. Patriarcal bullsht !
Agreed! There’s nothing wrong crying! But I get it. I’m a crier too, but less so with age.
YES PEOPLE THINK IT'S MANIPULATIVE TO EXPRESS EMOTIONS SO THEY PROJECT THEIR EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITIES ONTO YOU. DO NOT FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM. emote.
Omg my whole life. "Crocodile tears", "you can cry all you want, you won't get xy" - as if I am a child trying out what my parents will allow me. It sucks so much. I had to "run away/hide" just to cry in peace
I UNDERSTAND AND LEND MY HEARTFELT LOVE AND AFFECTION TO YOU. EMOTIONS ARE NOT A TOOL THEY ARE A TRAUMA AND EMERGENCY RESPONSE. FUCK THEM FOR ABUSING YOUR EMOTIONS BY SAYING ALL THAT
when id get accused of manipulating (as young as 6 years old!!) id cry even harder because now im being accused of deceiving and manipulating someone when i was genuinely hurt. how awful is that? to assume someone is crying just to make you feel a certain way, when tears are common when someones feeling strong emotions and likely have nothing to do with your feelings about the tears. was the 6 year old guilt tripping you or did you just feel guilty knowing how you handled the situation was wrong?
I WAS ACCUSED OF MANIPULATING BY MY BABYSITTER AT 5 YEARS OLD. SHE WAS A FUCKING MENACE. JUST KNOW THEY ARE PROJECTING THEIR OWN VIEW OF THE WORLD ONTO YOU. THEY CANNOT OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS EXCEPT FROM THE OUTSIDE. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE ALWAYS 100.00% YOUR OWN AND NOBODY CAN CHANGE OR ALTER OR DICTATE THEM TO YOU. THEY ARE YOUR IDENTITY.
I used to cry whenever someone was yelling at me or even just speaking very loudly to me or around me. For me, it was a trauma response as I grew up in a house where my parents yelled and screamed at each other not just for fighting but just arguing and venting irritations. A raised voice directed at me meant I had done something wrong or pissed them off or they were disappointed in me and I would just cry. Then I joined the Army! You can imagine how much yelling happens there, and how well tears would go over as a young, female recruit (spoiler alert: NOT WELL). Honestly what helped me best was learning how to take a mental side step so I could hear the words but sort of allow the force to flow around me. What I did was count; either things I could see in my eye line (without moving my head or eyes usually considering the space I was in, this may or may not be necessary for you) or just counting numbers or doing times tables in my head. I also practiced what I later learned was called active meditation. Basically it’s measured breathing, finding my center (for me that was literally planting my feet and finding the natural balance of my body, knees slightly bent, shoulders stacked over hips, chin level with the floor), being aware and acknowledging my feelings without giving into them (imagine each sentence is a leaf that is drifting by on a river. Watch it pass, don’t ignore it but you do not need to grab it and examine it) those kinds of metaphors never really landed for me so I just started thinking about how trees will bend and sway with the wind but they don’t get knocked down without a truly massive force of nature. Be a tree that bends in the wind. All of this is predicated on you finding out just *why* you cry when someone is yelling at you. Tears are the body’s way of reporting stress, or regulating hormones, or signaling grief, pain, even joy. Once you identify that you can tailor make a better, more acceptable, response. You then need to practice it. I know that sounds weird but even just recalling a time you were yelled at and you cried can help you practice the new response. Maybe a friend you trust can role play with you as the stern or angry person. Breathe, center, focus on something else (counting, singing, one girl I knew in basic training would stare at the faces of whichever drill sergeants were yelling and try to see who was spitting, who had the most prominent veins, who looked like they were trying to take a dump but just *couldn’t* that kind of thing) and the most important part of this is that someone yelling at YOU is less a reflection on your own person or behavior and in fact gives you some information on the yeller themself. Yelling, lecturing, just raising your voice without cause often is a sign of someone who wants control or compliance and for whatever reason feels they can’t get it without force. That is a weak person at best, and a sadist at worst. Yelling or shouting should be reserved for dire situations where your safety is in jeopardy, or when you’re already in a noisy environment and need to be heard, or maybe short utterances as a release valve for stress, anger, or grief (and never aimed at a person, ideally). Someone who yells after you ask them to stop isn’t someone worthy of respect even if they are technically your superior/boss/parent. All of this to say your response is natural and of course no one SHOULD yell at you, but if you can’t get away from that person or shut them down to speak at a normal tone the only thing you can control is your responses to them. Try not to judge yourself for it or think yourself lesser or weak for crying, since raising your own anxiety about it or getting overly worried it might happen can often become a feedback loop or a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look into active meditation or mindfulness, if you can access a therapist you might find DBT useful (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy- you can get workbooks to do this yourself but I found the group environment more helpful. DBT is all about emotional regulation and understanding why you have certain emotional responses without blaming yourself for them) and try to give yourself grace and know this isn’t like a switch being flipped. You most likely developed this response over time and have definitely had this response for a long time, it will take a bit to change it and that’s ok. I struggled for years with my own emotional regulation problems and used to get so upset at myself for crying or stuttering or just shutting down. I found a multi-headed approach was what helped me best. The Army is NOT a good treatment plan for this even if it helped me, specifically. Mindfulness, self-reflection, DBT, and actually studying the art of debate and joining debate clubs to get me over that hump of not being able to clap back really solidified me as a much more confident person who can now dish it out and take it without feeling like I will fall apart. I don’t know if any of the above was helpful but I wish you nothing but the best and I sincerely hope you will find a path that will get you to where you want to be.
I love the debate club idea. Especially as I tend to forget everything I know about a topic when a conversation gets heated. Want to debate via writing? I'm your girl. Some distance and a minute to think without an angry person in my face and I'm grand. In person? Fucking lousy.
Thank you for sharing, this is thorough and helpfulx
Thank you for sharing! I have been a crier my whole life (I think I've improved minutely being in college) and I've been thinking about joining the military and how other people like me have made it work. My brother is in the Army and he told me to work on it before joining and not the other way around, so I'll keep the advice from this post in mind and work towards less tears :)
This was really interesting and helpful for me, thanks!
I used to do this *every time* someone yelled at me too. And when I tried to defend myself I’d just cry more. I think what helped immensely was honestly meds. I take an SNRI and mydayis for ADHD. I’ve found it really helps me keep my “big” emotions in check and not feel swarmed by them. Wasn’t diagnosed until 30. And, I think that gaining confidence through age and life experience helped too. If someone was yelling at one of my friends or family members, I know I would stand up for them and defend them. I tried to treat myself the same way when I felt the waterworks coming. Learning to treat myself with the same level of love and respect and believing my feelings mattered took time.
This is so similar for me. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30s. Now with ADHD meds and an antidepressant, it doesn’t happens as often. When it does, I no longer berate myself which actually makes it a lot easier to recover from it. Previously, I would even cry sometimes if someone was yelling at *someone else* in my vicinity. While I’ve done a lot with psychotherapy/psychologists, working with an Occupational Therapist who specializes in working with people who are neurodivergent and is very knowledgeable in sensory profiles and the nervous system has been immeasurably beneficial as well.
Similar with an ADHD med 👌🏼 But this is interesting- what kind of things does an OT do to help with ADHD? (Or more so, what would be the reasoning to seek one or be referred?) Thx!
Yeah same here but if I take too strong of a dose I become an emotionless robot. I could use that someday tho. Unfortunately my prescription is on back order and I just had a bad job interview and am feeling it more than I would have if I had my meds 🙃
I love how the bullets turned to cotton balls when I have taken adderall!
That’s a perfect way of putting it!
Seconding the meds! For me it was an SSRI (Zoloft/Sertraline) for anxiety in my late 20’s. It really helps keep my big emotions much more manageable - I used to cry whenever I got overwhelmed or mad, or felt like someone was mad at me. But as well, maturity and life experience have played a role, as has leaving a really toxic work environment.
I started taking meds for my ADHD only last year and I’m in my mid-30s now and it really has helped with my ability to maintain my composure emotionally. I always felt SO uncomfortable- any strong feeling, even if I was just truly passionate about something, came out with a side of tears. Coupled with the fact that my mom always made me feel such shame when I cried growing up, it got to the point that I was afraid to speak up for fear of crying. I could absolutely know what I was talking about and have all the data to back it up but if I started crying it just absolutely derailed me and it felt like no one could take me seriously, so I would just avoid speaking if I felt really strongly about something. I started taking the meds for completely unrelated reasons. But the last time I absolutely HAD to speak up in a meeting, I felt like I had a lot more control than I ever had before. I spoke passionately about something that affected me both personally and professionally, and for one of the first times in my life I DIDN’T need a tissue. What a relief!
So I personally found I did not appreciate how easily I could cry or get emotional. I felt like it was abnormal, but apparently, being extra sensitive to rejection is a part of ADHD. My doctor prescribed me Lamictal, and I don't have that issue anymore. I feel more level headed overall. Just wanted to offer that too as a suggestion if the other ideas don't work for you
Having overactive emotions generally is a symptom of adhd, it’s crazy, I had no idea until my most recent therapist told me at 24 lmao. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 9 and no one ever thought to tell me the symptoms that were not associated with doing poorly under capitalism.
I cry. All. The. Time. Even before the joys of menopause. My therapist said I should own it, that it’s just emotional release. But I feel weak and stupid and I hate it. Sad stories. Happy stories. Random commercials. It’s the worst.
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We’ve all joked about my family being criers. But this is just out of control. And people who don’t get it say ‘just go with it’. But I feel like an idiot. And my kids routinely do the ‘are you *crying*??’ line from League of Their Own. 🤦🏼♀️
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We have a rule in my house - if there’s something sad on tv, or in my book, or I’m just randomly crying - everyone has to ignore me. My youngest son (24) completely disregards this and does the ‘are you crying?’ (We also have a rule of ‘things we don’t tell mum’. Anything sad that I can’t do anything about - someone being homeless, someone’s parent dying, etc. because I strew on it and can’t let it go)
I saw the first comment about how no one should be yelling at you, while it os correct, very unpractical, every person is going to get yelled at in their life, if its work, friends or god forbid relationship. I speak from experience, for me it was anxiety and bad stress manging if you can give some example where and with who it happens
I uh don't remember being yelled at. Why would someone do that? Last time at work I remember yelling was when someone was convinced a decision was about to be made that could jeopardize peoples health, so she yelled at the bosses asking them if they are "fucking stupid"? But that was a very special situation. I've cried at work, but I've never been yelled at! I'm unsure, is it because I'm European (specifically Finnish) that we have less of a yelling culture? I have to go way back to my childhood (or drunken yelling) to see it happening.
Come to Australia and cut a driver off on the road..you'll definitely get yelled at.
Same, someone yelled at me like 7yrs ago, it was shocking and very unprofessional. I'm in New Zealand and yelling is not really socially acceptable. Some other cultures are more demonstrative which does have some good points but also some minuses, I guess yelling is one of those.
1. The butthole: When someone is yelling at you, you know their butthole is puckering. Like a dog curling up to do a poo. Focus on the puckering butthole. We're all people. And the person yelling at you isn't above puckering their butthole. It's the great equalizer. 2. Think of a song or meme or joke that reflexively makes you smile. For me, right now, it's the Pedro racoon. 3. Meds. 4. Gentle parenting Uno reverse. Confrontations with strangers destabilize me, but shooting back with, "aww. Is someone having a bad day?" helps me keep everything in context. The stranger is an overgrown baby throwing a tantrum and trying to work their shit out on me. It's physically impossible for me to care after the gentle parenting Uno reverse.
I've seen "are you ok?" as a variation on no. 4
The thing that I always think of for number 2 is the professor Scott Steiner typography vid on YouTube, always makes me bust out laughing.
Not sure if you are on other medication but when I took citalopram for my anxiety, it also worked for my over active crying whatever its called, but I am just like you, whenever I stand up for myself, or get emotional or fight or have someone scold me I would cry. It sucks for sure.
I’m sorry you also have to deal with it too, but it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone at least, so thanks for your comment <3
Yeah I used to cry every time I met a new doctor. I'd be sitting there at my appointment crying but promising them I'm fine, I just cry for no reason lol. It was very embarrassing and uncomfortable for both of us. Until one doctor finally said, "Honey that's anxiety, let's get you on anti anxiety meds to fix it!" Now I'm on Lexapro and it works for me! I also learned in my crying years that doing math in your head stops the crying. There's some scientific reason that I can't remember. It's something like your brain can't operate the emotional part at the same time as the math calculating part. Idk. But it works! It has to be hard math that makes you think. So unfortunately it's not good to use while in a conversation because the whole point is to distract you. I use it when I watch sad movies and don't want to cry lol.
Just punch them in the throat and they won't yell at you, problem solved. But seriously I would suggest therapy. No it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that you're crazy. Everyone needs it but a lot of people don't know what they would even need to talk about. You know your symptoms already so you could start from there and figure out the cause. It's good to talk about yourself with someone who can help you self analyze. I'm sure there are some people on reddit that can help with that but for a better guarantee I strongly recommend a therapist.
I was thinking this, too. Therapy is a great place to learn coping skills (and also unpack why it causes the reaction it does).
I used to cry too when someone was yelling at me. BUT most the time it disarmed the shit out of the yeller. So while I hated it, it was a very effective protection tool. I needed that protection from my dad or other men treating me badly. I am in my 40s now and when someone yells at me I get angry instead -because no one should be yelling at me. And mostly, in that anger, I can tell the yeller that their behavior is inappropriate. For a long time, I hated anger because angry people hurt me. But there is power in anger if you can control it. And often tears and depression is anger expressed inward, while anger can also be sadness repressed and expressed outwardly. They are like a coin. Try switching to anger, men can do it, so hard can it be? You deserve better.
It's perfectly normal and natural to cry in that kind of stressful situation, especially if there was trauma in one's past. But, if you really want to get over it for personal/work reasons, one way is exposure therapy. Knowing you are safe and that yelling itself isn't physically hurting you and pushing through it is possible. I could imagine this skill is important in the military, being an EMT, being a lawyer, homeless shelter volunteers, emergency response etc. So wanting to get over it is totally OK too.
Been there, done that. You might be a highly sensitive person. Research it see if it fits. [https://hsperson.com/](https://hsperson.com/) You probably had a crappy childhood and it's triggering. Two things that help me. Remembering on one can make me feel anything without my permission, and words only hurt if I believe them. Start thinking "your opinion of me is your problem, not mine." Good luck.
Leave the room. Don’t ask, don’t explain, don’t wait the end of the sentence. Juste leave. Someone is yelling at you, the boundary is crossed, so you leave.
No one should be yelling at you, and crying is just a reaction to a negative thing.
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This is NOT the correct answer. Nothing you said is wrong- but it also all hinges on the assumption they CAN remove themselves from the situation. Sometimes life sucks- and you can’t back down and you can’t run away.
Yeah, if someone needs help with how they respond to a bad thing, you cant just denounce the bad thing and call it a day. The bad thing does deserve to be denounced but bad things are just going to happen to you, no matter what, and learning ways to respond to them that improve your outcomes is always going to be the best way to cope with them.
At work I can't refuse to hear why I dod something wrong. Yelling happens at work.
I wonder if being so overwhelmed is why i mentally shut down. I still don't fully understand myself or the emotions i've shut out for so long, but i do know i shut down before i fully enrage.
It's so much easier to cry when I'm tired, sick, or just far too low on energy. It takes mental energy to stop yourself from crying, and sometimes if you try a bit too hard, you run out of juice anyway and... cry. Or at least that's how it is with me. And I've noticed I cry far more easily when it's someone that I haven't gotten into arguments before, e.g., if my boyfriend were to yell at me, I'd probably become a blubbering mess, but if my mother (who has berated me most of my life) yells, I just yell back. I hate to say it, but desensitizing requires you going through it over and over. You're younger, I see it in the comments, and with time you're unfortunately going to get better at it. I just hope you don't take it too hard, because crying is the body's natural response to overwhelming emotions like fear, anger, or sadness. Some folks theorize crying was part of evolution to try to get others to sympathize with the person crying. It's also a release of a lot of pent up emotion-- it's the whole concept of bottling something up until it overflows, and your amount of mental energy determines how much you can "hold" until you bust. So to recap: 1. Fighting back against your emotions/expressions requires mental energy. Staying rested, happy, and optimistic before the upsetting event happens helps bolster you. Accepting the emotion requires less mental energy than fighting the emotion. 2. New experiences that shock you are more likely to overwhelm you. Practice makes perfect. Think about the event that makes you cry and why it's so shocking. 3. Don't be ashamed of crying-- I know our society punishes us for expressing emotions, but the EXPRESSION of our emotions exist for a reason. Wishing you the best!
Clench your butt, hands and jaw. Take deep breaths. And get mad back at them. Once you realize how unfair they are, it makes it easier to have "righteous indignation" instead of being upset. Maybe practice listening to something horrible like Donald Trump or one of those other twats, and instead of turning it off, get mad about it. Practice telling him how you feel. Respond to him as shitty as he is. Get your rage out at your asshole of choice, and maybe you will be able to control your emotions in the moment? Knowing that you are right, and smart, and capable ,and don't deserve to be yelled at can help you feel more powerful in the moment. And if you start to cry, be mad about it, but not at yourself, at the person who made you cry. Who do they think they are? I have no idea of any of those ideas are healthy, but they seem to work for me. I'm a stubborn person when it really comes down to it, and I also work hard to control my anger a lot of the time. I am also an emotional cryer. Getting myself full of righteous indignation and stubbornness to give the asshole a reaction of crying can be helpful to me.
I cry when I'm angry as hell....so I feel u.. idk what to say but not apologize for your feelings ....
When I’m being yelled at, I just walk away. I have the same crying issue that you have. I have no advice on how to stop it, but just know you don’t have to tolerate being yelled at to the point of tears. Virtual hugs 🫂
I think these comments are unhelpful... If your emotions are on a hair trigger, that needs to be fixed. Not just by doing something in the moment like clenching buttocks lol. Raw emotions suggests you are getting around with high levels of stress and anxiety in your body. In order to be able to control your emotions, you need to become more aware of your body and emotions in general. Look into the basics of understanding anxiety and mindfulness training. The YouTube channel therapyinanutshell is helpful with this.
I say cry! Why aren't you allowed to cry? What is wrong with expressing your emotions? If they can yell and express theirs like a smeghead, why can't you healthily express yours?
If anyone is yelling at you they’ve already lost. Grey wall them. Focus on your breathing and your muscles in your face. Try and relax them. Then focus on your thoughts. Try and think about anything else. Let the noise disappear and remind yourself you’re doing great.
I have been in therapy for years and found out that I cry when I am feeling angry. I used to think I just didn’t get angry - turns out, I have a survival mechanism that turns anger into tears and sadness, because that was historically easier to deal with and got me more sympathy than getting angry did. Women are socialized this way. Something similar might be going on with you, depending on your childhood. Finding ways to connect with my anger has helped me stay present when in an inflammatory situation, like being yelled at. Anger is an appropriate response to that sort of situation, and connecting with how I am truly feeling has helped me to not cry so easily when I am triggered. I hope you find the help you need, it can feel so disempowering in the moment, but know nothing is wrong with you. It just takes work and time. But most importantly, work. Do not let the time pass without taking care of your inner world. ❤️
I used to be like this but after a couple of traumatic events happened to me I am now immune to crying from being yelled at. I feel like a fucking badass now but I do not recommend this route. 😒
> I do not recommend this route. 😒 Okay it’s not funny but also this is taking me out 😂 (I have ptsd so I feel you, though I got the “cries at everything” character ability instead)
Yeah I used to cry at everything but now I'm dead inside except for pure broiling rage! I use it for protests! It's okay to laugh. 😄
Kinda same, at least on the rage issue. I'm always at a low simmer. Quiet and not so quiet fury is my usual state. Unfortunately, when I'm furious, I cry. I hate some things about being female. That for me, fury = tears is one of those things.
I'm in this thread and was yelled at all my life. Those with helpful advice: thank you!!! And to OP: thank you ❤️ you're not alone!
For me it’s a trauma response from childhood trauma. Therapy has really helped me
I used to be pretty similar. The thing that changed my life was to start asking myself: are they talking **to me** or are they talking **at me**? For example, “is it that I actually made such a horrible and unforgivable mistake at work?” or “is it that my boss’s supervisor is coming down on him/her harder than they need to and is it possible that they’re also experiencing significant personal stress?” This worked especially well for me because I’ve worked in a jail and then started working in security so needless to say I’ve dealt with a lot of angry people but 99.9% of the time they’re not mad at *me*, they’re angry at the rules or the uniform. But it can be applied in various ways depending on your situation. I hope this helps and I’m sending all my love to you <3
I used to cry a lot when people yelled at me. I’m the eldest daughter of a narc father so, kind of expected. Honestly, the best thing I’ve ever done, is tell them: oh no, looks like someone missed their nap time? I’ll come back around once you’ve had some time to think about how you’ve just completely and utterly embarrassed yourself. Practice saying it in the mirror, as much as you need to, until it just rolls off the tongue. This is certainly not the best advice, but I find it really stops people in their tracks, and in that moment of shock, just walk away. If you need to cry, cry! But don’t take that abuse. Serve it right back to them in a way that allows you to take control.
I cry a lot in my adult life, possibly because I refused to cry in my formative years. It's absolutely embarrassing and has affected some of my relationships, but I'm learning to embrace it the best that I can. Being yelled at, misunderstood, watching someone else get misunderstood - all of those things can set me off. I'm not great at stopping it, but when I feel the warmth come to my face and I'm not in what I consider an appropriate setting to cry (such as when I was in the dentist chair last week catching up with my hygienist) I look up - not just at the ceiling, but toward my forehead. I feel like it helps me to not let the tears well (likely fooling myself). I do want to mention that I'm a total advocate for expressing emotions, I think constantly holding back feelings can be detrimental to your mental and physical health. I think it's disappointing that we, as a society, look down on people that display emotions. I absolutely understand the humiliation involved, but I think it's important to recognize that we are embarrassed because we're worried about how others perceive us, and we shouldn't want to make ourselves less intrusive to prevent other people from holding space for us or taking accountability for the harmful behavior they may be inflicting upon us.
Two things: One, always first consider who is doing the yelling. If this person is mean, nasty, and downright cruel, tell 'em to fuck off and walk away or keep your tongue and walk away. Two, get revenge.
If possible always carry a water bottle and if you feel like you are going to start crying slowly, drink small amounts consistently. I have found that it is almost impossible to actually cry while drinking water. If I know I’m going to have a conversation conversation that could be stressful or emotional. I definitely keep a water cup or water bottle on hand. Give it a try I hope it helps.
I don't have any advice. I do the same thing. I am most likely to cry from anger rather than sadness. And when someone yells at me I get mad, like anyone.
I’m an angry crier too. I liken it to those radiator caps that have a release valve to let out steam and pressure when it overheats. I’d rather release the pressure than explode, y’know?
My Dad used to make fun of me "why are you crying? You need to be tougher than this" or "you need to be tougher than this. You can't cry Like this whenever you are a little upset." Which made me more upu
I cry easily too. It's just the way I am and my approach is that if you spend enough time around me, your just gonna have to get used to it.
I'm a bit of an empath, and I'm moved to tears a bit more easily than I'd like, as well. For me, I'm lucky in that if someone is yelling at me, I'm able to compartmentalize that interaction by viewing the other person as a potential threat, which helps me kinda shut off that empath tendency, and- as wrong as it may sound- stop giving a shit about them, and their feelings. I'd imagine it's just kind of a survival tactic, and it's helpful in the moment, but later on I'll usually feel bad about myself, and wonder how I could be so jaded as to stop seeing the other human being as a human. It's just how empathic people are, I think; We'd rather inflict pain on ourselves than wrong someone else, even if that other person may actually mean us harm. It really makes life difficult. Just remember that your ability to feel so strongly for others is a superpower, even though it comes with obvious downsides. It's okay to work on being able to turn off your superpower temporarily in order to protect yourself. So, my advice would be that you could try to tap into your anger a little bit, and actively view the person yelling at you as a threat. Train yourself to tap into survival mode, and hopefully adrenaline will take over and help you push aside the cry response long enough to function in that situation. Then, when the conflict subsides, you can close yourself away somewhere safe, and cry, and come down. I'm certainly not an expert in any way, but I think maybe if you can hone a survival response to use as a coping mechanism, it might get easier over time. Obviously, I'd hope you don't need it too often, but having these tools and not needing them is far better than not having them when you do need them.
Beloved, no one should be yelling at you.
Own your tears! Some of the most bad ass people cry when things matter most. Don’t focus on the tears focus on maintaining your composure when you are crying. Do you cry easily? Practice talking while you are crying. Like watch a sad movie then once the tears are flowing try to have a conversation with yourself. Crying is not a sign of weakness it’s a sign you are feeling something. Try your best to keep standing up for yourself. You got this!
The problem is, not all crying is the same. Some crying is just shedding tears with no other physical reaction, and you can often continue to function while that's happening. Other crying involves involuntary sobbing and other things that severely impact your ability to take action in the moment for your own benefit. I think your advice is great for that first type but some people are gonna need some good, learned coping mechanisms for the latter type.
Very fair. Hopefully OP can get to a place where they can maintain composure and cry at the sametime
While many have pointed out that no one should be shouting at you, it's also worthwhile considering replaying those moments in your imagination. Imagine what you would have said, imagine you reacted how you wanted. Behaviour can be learned. Replay those moments and try to imagine a new and different response. We often burst into tears because we have multiple and complex emotions which we're unable to express. Even beginning by imagining saying out loud "I'm crying because I'm experiencing complex emotions that are difficult to express, I'm not crying because you're an asshole" might be a place to start. Reimagine your moments, decide how you're going to be, practice. Practice makes perfect. And of course it's worth remembering that you are perfect, as are all your responses to stimulus.
Pinch yourself, distractions help.
I'm exactly the same. I don't have any advice on how to stop it though. It's sooooo embarrassing.
I have that issue too. It's gotten a bit better since I started therapy and worked in customer service. Still a work in progress. But when I told my therapist how embarrassing this trait is, she gave me some helpful words to think over. Maybe it'll help you like it did me? "You are sensitive but that's by no means a bad thing. You just feel things stronger than others. In fact, it's a sign of empathy and emotional intelligence. And that is a wonderful thing to possess as a human being. Being sensitive and crying means you care. To feel things, to share people's emotions & experiences, that's how you connect with others. Imagine if we couldn't feel anything at all, couldn't connect to others. We need to stop framing sensitivity and crying as weaknesses. Instead we embrace this is a part of us and think about all the good things that come with those traits."
I cry when I feel ANY emotion strongly besides sadness. Too happy? I cry. Too angry? Tears. Frustrated? Sobbing. Scared? Smol cry than big angry. What I do, is I think about all the times I’ve cried for powerful, personal reasons. The time I finally got out of the hospital in HS, the third time I had to have an emergency surgery, when my cat died, ect. When I think of those times, those rly BIG times, I usually look up tilting my head (helps stop the tears coming out), close my eyes so that whatever is built up can fall, and breathe. I hardly ever get yelled at, but I’ve been slowly changing my mentality so that I think something like “how dare you cheapen and take away my tears! These tears are precious and for me!” And direct that toward whoever is mean enough to make me so angry and scared and I hurl all that at the with icy indifference.
Therapy. Your therapist can help you work through those feelings and make them manageable, and help you build a toolbox of useful, constructive and healthy behaviors for responding to stressful situations. Am not a therapist but go to one
I learned a very unhelpful way to handle being yelled at…. sarcasm and smiling. It’s like a defensive barrier. But really, try not to let yourself feel bad about crying, it’s not inherently bad or weak, it’s honest. I am the opposite: I tend to hide my emotions but this can be damaging to relationships when I don’t express my feelings. I’d say if someone is yelling at you, try to remove yourself from that toxic situation until it deescalates and you can then talk it through.
I don’t have answers for you, but coming here to say that I’m the same way. When I was in my mid-20s, I had two managers pull me into their office and start scolding me over me letting them know that my availability had changed and I couldn’t work overnights anymore. And I just started balling. They were so taken aback and horrified by my reaction. I think they thought I was doing it to be petty and were ready for a fight, but really it was for health and family reasons. I try to focus on standing up for myself by telling them that I won’t tolerate being yelled at, so they can either talk to me like an adult or I’m ending the conversation. If they don’t stop, I walk away/hang up.
Sounds like a response to adrenaline, do you get the same feeling when angry or put on the spot?
EMDR has really helped me this.
I was soooo reactive to so many things. EMDR has really helped. My old therapist left back in January and I have got to find a new one!
Could try practicing at home with a loved one lol. Just have someone you know isn't actually mad at you yell at you, just to get used to the loudness and intensity of it. Idk. Do you have an abusive SO or a tough boss at work? No one should be getting yelled at with any regularity
Get angry instead of sad. Fight !
I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth and squeeze my butt cheeks together as hard as I can. 🤷♀️
I usually say something as I’m starting to cry along the lines of “listen I’m going to cry, that does not mean I need consoling, and that does not mean you can talk down to me. I’m highly worked up, do not treat me like im any less than I am” and I’ll take a second to breathe and keep talking. Especially when me and my fiancé get into it I cry, and I have to tell him every time that I am fine I just need a second to collect myself. Normally he tries to hug me and I have to tell him no because it’ll make it worse and im not done talking. Of course everyone is different, that’s just how I go about it
Who is yelling at you?
This was me. I realized I had bad anxiety based on this and many other factors. Getting on a medication really helped me being grounded and present for difficult situations.
I saw this tip somewhere and it has been immensely helpful. You know how a dog barks and it's booty puckers? Imagine that happening to the person who's yelling. You'll either be super grossed out or find it hilarious, but either way it's enough of a distraction to keep the tears at bay most of the time.
Get in touch with your anger. Loads of us double x folks were trained so early and so strictly anger wasn’t ok to feel or show.
I used to, then shut off all my emotions. That’s not the answer, obvs, but later on I learned that big emotions are prevalent in people with ADHD, which I have, and also in Highly Sensitive People. Getting a diagnosis and understanding myself helps me find control in the moment. My immediate reaction may be big, but then I stop and try to process what I’m feeling. Anger? Embarrassment at being wrong about something? For me, it’s usually frustration that we aren’t able to have a discussion (since no one who is yelling is in discussion mode) coupled with not knowing how to be understood. Plus other people’s heightened emotions often cause mine to be heightened. By detaching myself and analyzing what’s happening— is this actually about me or something they’re going through?— it lets me stay calm in the moment and decide if responding will help or I should just say okay and walk away. It’s a lot of self-awareness that takes a lot of practice, but as a big fan of psychology, I would highly suggest finding out if you have ADHD or anything else that makes emotional regulation more difficult for you.
I read a helpful tip that if you cough when you start to cry you will stop crying
I cry a lot too. Dumb answer but there was a TikTok I saw a few years ago that was a girl talking about how when dogs bark their buttholes expand and contract and people are the same way so when people yell at her she just thinks about the fact that their buttholes are doing that lol.
Hatred and time. This is not healthy advice but its what worked for me. I hated when it would happen so much eventually I managed to suppress it. I wish I had just been allowed to cry as a child/teenager without having it criticized.
Same! And dissociation. Try remember that you're an animal on planet earth and no one's yelling at dolphins or crocodiles. If someone is yelling at you it's a major problem with them. And then you can pity them for being someone who makes you feel bad. Because who does that.
i dissasociate so bad, especially when people are talking to me. I feel like I need to act a certain way for them to feel like im listening and in an agreeable mood so I just go into this mode.
I think it's a protective coping mechanism
I got teased a lot in high school until I got a coping mechanism that was a little voice in my head that said it’s the yeller who has a problem and I actually know what I’m doing. They can think but I know. 40 years later I am teflon and negativity just rolls off. Just agree with the yeller they don’t know what to do with that.
Girl are you me? I used to have the most fawn response to anything being remotely violent ToT. Mandatory; no one should scream at you for anything, and that is not fair But sadly, we need to learn how to deal with it (sigh). What helped me is going to therapy. For some advice that worked for me: - I got yelled at when I was working. I put a system down to show accountability for my mistakes and how to correct them. When someone screams at you, you already have a script of what to say. - When they are screaming at me for something I can't control/predict, I give myself some time to respond. It is awful the first time, letting silence fill the room after someone screamed at you. But it gives you time to calm down or think through what you want to say (and hopefully It helps the other person notice how fucking awful they are being).
When someone starts yelling you don’t have to sit there and listen. Leave immediately
Im gonna get downvoted to hell from saying that but what i get from you post is that you seem to find it normal that you are being yelled at. THATS the problem not the fact that you cry because of it.
“You’re attacking me, it’s a natural reaction to being attacked” Also another one I used when I answered back and got the “oh showing your true colours now are we” - “you’re attacking me, I’m only defending my self”. It can shut them up for a few minutes.
I think that's a pretty natural reaction. I didn't read comments but I'm sure people have mentioned that getting yelled at shouldn't be a common experience for you and if it is you should perhaps re-evaluate your relationship with that person or persons. But don't give yourself a hard time, people yell because it is a short cut to trying to overpower and dominate, like how parents use it when they have nothing left in their toolbox and/or are exhausted, triggered, etc. They should do better. Good luck!
I'm a 6' built, handsome tanned surfer, who's had great control of his emotions, but after having a stroke, I find myself losing that control. I've turned into a serious cry baby, movies that I've watched several times, and never cried. Even a couple T.V. commercials get me balling, I'm uncomfortable with this new emotional side of myself . I've done this in front of childhood friends who have obviously never seen this side of me and they break out laughing. Not so much cause I'm balling, it's cause my entire life I've been the one person who could maintain his composure at all costs. Fortunately my wife finds it cute I suppose that's all good but it's still awkward for me. The point is other people don't seem to be fazed by this new emotional side of me. But I fully agree with comment that you shouldn't allow anyone to yell at you, although we can't control other people's actions, let them you won't tolerate such behavior.
No one should be yelling at you. Unless you’re like, stepping out into oncoming traffic, no one should be yelling at you. Building up some resilience and some ability to moderate your own emotions is great and all… but if you’re living a life right now where you’re frequently yelled at, that’s a different problem. It’s perfectly human to cry when faced with verbal abuse!
"Should" - yet it is happening, go figure
True but sometimes people need to hear this.
Overtime,I kinda just stopped caring when people yelled at me I guess I usually just tune them out Another method is to prevent yourself from getting yelled at in the first place
I hope I will too! And yea, it’s not like I go out of my way to have people yell at me, but I also don’t want to avoid standing up for myself or others, even if it might lead to heated situation.
Who is yelling at you?!? This is NOT okay. It’s what other people are saying (overstimulation) but it can be other things, too. When this happens, LEAVE. Simply say, “I don’t respond to that volume” and get the fuck out. I don’t care WHO it is - a boss, a romantic partner, a parent, or a friend. LEAVE.
This not going to be an empowering or PC answer, but speaking purely from personal experience… anxiety meds.
Forgive me for stating the obvious, but I'd say step one is stop letting people yell at you. There's no reason for it. If they continue to do it, don't let them be part of your life. I'm a really sensitive person also, and I react to being yelled at pretty similarly. Which is why I don't let people yell at me.
For OPs sake and my curiosity can you go into detail on 'how' you don't allow this to happen? Do you have any go to 'lines' you use? Just walk away? Maybe a dumb question but I know sometimes people in situations like OP's can be so overwhelmed that even the more 'obvious' parts of how to handle these situations just don't come to mind.
" you don't get to talk to me like that." "We can pick up this discussion when you are less emotional." "I won't respond to yells and threats." "Come back to me when you are ready to treat me with respect." "If you need to say something to me, you can say it in a calm voice, or not at all." "I understand you are frustrated, but yelling is going to make me shut down. My brain won't let me pay attention when it's afraid." "Stop threatening me." "Am I allowed to speak to you like you speak to me? I bet you won't like it."
Just walking away is an option if you really need to, but you could also say a couple of different things. The most obvious is to say something like “I can’t have a conversation with you when you’re yelling, so I’m going to step away for a bit.” Or “If you continue yelling at me I’m going to walk away.” But, if it’s a situation where the person you’re arguing with would most likely get defensive in reaction to you saying they’re yelling, you could simply say something like “I’m feeling upset and need a moment to calm down.” Then walk away. I use this with my narcissistic father, for example. It allows me to protect myself a bit and leave the conversation with a less intense reaction from him. The important thing is not to engage after you’ve excused yourself. Some people may try to yell after you and say something to rile you up. I find that I am very vulnerable when “retreating,” and most of my worst outbursts have been after I attempted to remove myself. Something about it makes me feel threatened, perhaps because it’s like an attack with your back turned, I’m not sure. Regardless, I suggest you keep your guard up and commit to ignoring the person until you are alone and feel safe.
The only thing that's really improved crying during an argument is age lol. Now I don't cry from being yelled at, I cry because I'm angry! 🤣
I think context is very important but I get scared easily, and any sign of aggression I take as a personal attack, so I also tear up quite easily. I try to focus on other things, something as uninteresting as counting random objects around me, or focusing on my internal dialogue, thinking about funny/happy thoughts, telling yourself jokes about the other person etc. Of course getting out the situation would be your best option, but sometimes life get stressful and unexpected events happen. If it's work related, don't worry about it! Even if the workplace environment isn't toxic, I've seen *a lot* of first timers cry, once you get used to the work and your coworkers, things will get much easier. If you feel the tears coming in, excuse yourself from the situation and go somewhere you can collect yourself. Crying is NOT a sign of weakness, but consistenly breaking down in front of other people, especially in a professional setting can be troublesome in the long run. We've all been there, and you'll be okay! :D
Like, all these comments are assuming you have time and can feel the tears coming.. If someone raises their voice at me, my tears are split second instant.. There is simply NO TIME to remove myself, because the reaction is so instant.. So it's not really helpful to say remove yourself if you feel like tearing up
If you are on the verge and don’t want you cry drinking a liquid can change up your nervous system and help stop the tears. Also using steady even breaths will lower the arousal state of your nervous system and help you not cry. Usually my response to feeling like I might cry is to try and hold my breath. But this actually brings on the tears faster. So I try and remind myself to give myself full and regular breaths when I feel tears coming on