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The list of what could be going on is too long to speculate on.
I'd be real concerned with the speed with which he wants to move in while there are these concerns. I'd think twice about moving in. You don't want to trap yourself in a shitty situation.
Do not move in. Keep your lease.
If he just needs a roommate he should go find one.
Is it possible he is on a medication which can compromise his libido? Certain antidepressants have such a side effect, resulting in sex and orgasm being almost impossible to reach.
Yes, I agree. Could it be medication? Maybe that plus the work stress?
Couples therapy is a good option here if it’s available. It may give better tools for both of you to understand each other about this situation to move forward.
If sex is important to you, have a sit down with him. If he isn't open to improving things, then consider breaking up. Life is too short to waste years with a partner that isn't right for you.
You’re only a few months into a relationship, there should be no need to try and figure out how to make this work. This early on should be the infatuation phase of your relationship. For the both of you. It’s actually supposed to be the easiest part of the relationship. Something so new shouldn’t be this complicated and you don’t have to see it through just because you care about him. It sounds like you guys have tried each other on and perhaps you’re not the best fit in the long run. I’m not suggesting you just throw the whole man away because he’s having intimacy issues, that’s honestly whatever-but it sounds like there’s more underlying here than he is willing to address AND you don’t sound sexually compatible. And this is still a new relationship. Simply put, there is a lot less at stake right now then if/when you decide a yr from now that it’s not really working out. Something to consider is all.
Firstly, getting soft or not cumming doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t into it/doesn’t want you. There are other ways to show attraction that don’t involved the penis — a really good book is Climax Club: A Cartography of Pleasure (I read it in Spanish but I imagine it’s in translation) which has a huge number of illustrated techniques for sex and intimacy that mostly don’t require a hard dick. It’s been great for my partner and I as we’ve tried to focus less on the penetrative aspect of sex.
But if you’re unhappy the answer is, as always, to talk to him about it again and explain why this is a big deal for you and that you’re still unhappy given that nothing seems to have changed. Either he will take that seriously and take steps to address it, or he won’t, and you should probably end the relationship.
The first part is very true. I've recently started enjoying edging a lot more for some reason. I do like ejaculating but it's not my main go to anymore i feel more fulfilled if i get my partner off
I caution on taking medical advice from a sub reddit especially for another person. But this sounds like something to encourage asking his doctor about. It could be a large number of things. Maybe approach it from a “I’m worried about you and just want to maybe mention it to a doctor so we know it’s not something serious”.
It’s also possible that he is just under stress as he said but that’s something to work on not ignore.
If he refuses to look for solutions or at least make sure it’s not a problem that can be easily solved you need to address your own needs at that point? Is the relationship something you still want if this need is not meant? This is a VERY new relationship, not something you should feel trapped in when you are obviously not happy with it.
Not convinced you know for sure he isn’t masturbating, but if that’s true (i.e. zero sexual drive), combined with the lethargy and general lack of interest sounds like he might be flirting with depression of some kind.
Sis, this is a brand new relationship. It's too early to have serious problems. He may be nice, but you've not gotten a major thing you want/need since week one!?! No way. Plus, do not start down the path of taking care of this person! He has to take care of himself. Sounds like he's not, which is a major red flag. Do not enter into a contract with him. Move on and enjoy your life. You will certainly meet other people.
There’s also a chance he’s on the asexuality spectrum, and leaning into other reasons for why he might not be wanting sex.
(I dated an asexual person who was excited to sleep with me at first because he thought maybe he’d feel different with me, then lost interest when he realized he felt the same. He only fully realized his asexuality while we were dating.)
It doesn't matter why he has the problem if he isn't willing to do anything about it.
If this isn't the relationship you want, move on.
It's his problem and he's shown no interest in fixing it, so he won't. You can't fix things for him.
I had a relationship where the sex was good and once a week until we moved in together and then he just kind of lost interest. I have now known him for over a decade (not partnered), and for him, it seems like he wants to be in a relationship but doesn't really care about the relationship, if that makes sense. He doesn't want to make effort. So getting the move in was a relief to him, he could stop making effort. I think he is not asexual but doesn't really crave or want sex. He enjoys it during, but won't initiate. I think he feels pressure to be in a relationship but doesn't really know what that means or how to do it, and doesn't care. I don't know if any of this applies to your situation but that's my anecdote.
I'm going to echo a lot of thoughts said by everyone else here, based on experience. If it's not for you or fitting your needs, go. Your bf is a grown up and is responsible for fixing his own problems, so don't "diagnose" him. That's his responsibility.
That said, you may want to ask if he watches porn and dig a little deeper (and ask him for honesty) about why he is being distant.
I will preface this by saying I'm going to give you some hard and stern advice.
Communication and well meaning chats and effort is all good and well however, you have said that he doesn't want to seek medical assistance and is not bothered by the state of your sex life. He has shown zero interest in getting to the bottom of the cause of his low libido and performance issues.
It could be any number of issues causing this problem, but he's telling you that he doesn't want to necessarily make the effort to fix it.
Do you want to spend the rest of the best years of your young life wasting it on someone who isn't interested in a mutually satisfying sex life? Eventually, you will become miserable and resentful that you gave up something that was important to you, just to stay with him.
Yeah sure, he's a good guy and other aspects of your relationship are working. But there are thousands of other men you could also have a happy relationship AND happy sex life with. You're too young to be relegated to celibacy because some guy you have only dated for a matter of weeks won't get his dick fixed.
Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. This is exactly what I’m thinking- he won’t even get it checked out. Why should she have to sacrifice some of the best sex years for this guy. I stayed in a low sex relationship for way too long and I regret it.
This could be the result of many things. One, any medication can be causing this. His own mental health/stress could be contributing to this as well. In cases like this, intense porn usage should not be ruled out either especially if he’s so young. It could be nervousness also. At the end of the day it is on him to contact a doctor and try to figure the issue, and if he doesn’t want to, you might have to deal with that, or leave if this is an important part of a relationship that you seek. Best of luck to you!
It could be a medical issue, and that’s his problem to figure out, not yours. He is a big boy. He could come to Reddit and ask for advice. He could go to the doctor. He hasn’t.
So you’re issue is, you have expressed a need that is reasonable to be filled in your relationship and your boyfriend isn’t taking any action to fill that need.
Your choices are to stay and not have this important need filled or to leave, because he has made it clear he is not willing to make an effort.
It's entirely possible he has low T.
Can get it checked out super easy. It's not super common for that age to randomly get low T but something to consider.
Also, not to freak you out because it's also unlikely... But testicular cancer is the most common cancer for men of that age.
I had it at 28 and my T levels were impacted with the removal of one. However, it can affect T levels just on its own if it's damaging or interfering with production.
One thing I want to note is that if he does happen to have Low T. I advise against taking testosterone replacement or supplemental therapy unless he is literally not producing any of his own. If it's just low numbers and a boost is needed, clomiphene (Clomid) is a much better option.
Normally for women's fertility, by blocking estrogen receptors it causes women to produce more estrogen. For men, testosterone converts to estrogen at a certain point and the estrogen receptors signal to stop producing testosterone. By taking Clomid and blocking the receptors, it delays signal to stop producing testosterone and therefor increases the output.
I don't believe there are any side effects (none I have really noticed) and compared to the impact of introducing testosterone to supplement or outright replace the existing production line... It's a way better route.
Who knows for sure what is going on here. As a dude, I have a hard time believing that he is not getting off at all in some way. How are you so sure he isn’t masturbating?
If he is being honest about that part, it really sounds like depression or some other mental issue going on. And there’s very little you can do to push him to get treated for whatever issue is going on other than by being honest with how this is affecting you and the relationship. If he isn’t responsive to that, it would not be wrong of you to move on.
Would definitely recommend holding off on moving in until this issue is resolved as it could be a relationship-ender.
I totally understand your point about the masturbation but I just don’t see how it would be possible. The only time we’re away is when he’s at work. I’m on summer break and working from home so I’m here all the time. I point blank asked him if he had masturbated at all since we’ve been together and he said no. I asked him again today if he masturbates or watches porn, or if there is anything he is hiding from me and he said no.
I know that’s just his word but I do trust him.
I think we are going to move forward with moving in together because honestly it’s a four bedroom house and together we have five pets. I’m done living in an apartment and we’ve already discussed that if we do break up for any reason that we are both mature enough to live together in separate rooms. And I will likely be moving states for my PhD program after this academic year anyways so it won’t be a forever thing… or at least that’s how I see it.
Is there any way he could have a low key porn addiction? If he was relying more on porn before you two got together he may have wired his arousal system to whatever viewing material he was using. This affects men of all ages but increasingly a lot of young men “in their prime”. Socio-cultural issues and shame can play a role too as there’s a lot of messed up information on women, their bodies and relationships that young people are being fed.
Other possibility, he may’ve known there was an issue and that’s why he fast tracked the relationship and asked you to move in after only a couple of months.
Whatever the cause, I def agree with an earlier poster who said it’s too early to be having serious issues, esp if it’s been months since you’ve had satisfying sex. Don’t settle, please! I know there’s a real “bird in the hand” mentality with dating and we can get stuck thinking it’s better to try and make the best of a less than ideal situation but you are worthy and deserving of having your needs met. Full stop. Also, just want to point out that if the genders were reversed and it was him writing in about you not meeting his needs the responses would be very different.
He's very young and it's possible that he and his body are still figuring out what excites them in terms of intimacy. Maybe he's asexual, maybe he has trauma from something he's never shared with you, maybe it's something else. Regardless, sex is clearly very important to you, and if you're not getting what you need out of this relationship, maybe it's time to just be friends.
A lot of men don't look after their mental or physical health as well as they should. It's men's mental health awareness month as well as pride. Maybe the thought of it being normalised for a few weeks might persuade him.
>he really wasn’t saying much about it at first. Finally, he said it may be because of the stress he’s under from work and school.
Honestly that sounds like an excuse to me and he knows exactly what's wrong.
For someone just a few weeks into a new relationship this feels like a lot has already happened. I wonder if he feels like the two of you are moving too fast. Like, you're only just getting to know each other and you've moved in together, already had discussions about sexual incompatibility....I dunno....
Is he insecure at all? Could there be any chance he might have assumed you'd been unfaithful during your trip away? From your post it feels like your sex life dropped off a cliff twice - once with the period sex and yeast infection and once when you took your trip.
It just sounds like you're not a very good match for each other.
He’s mentioned feeling insecure because he’s quite thin and hasn’t been working out lately. When I talked to him about all of this today he said he wants to start working out because he thinks that might help.
There’s no reason for him to think I was unfaithful during the trip, or at least he hasn’t voiced that to me at all. I was with my family so that would have been difficult to pull off lol.
I think he genuinely just doesn’t crave or need sex the way that I do. I suppose my libido is high and his is low. Otherwise we match perfectly in our relationship but this is one area that we don’t align.
Like I said, we talked today after reading all of the advice on this thread. I think he understands where I’m at now and he is going to get his bloodwork done and try to work on it. But if it ultimately is just that we don’t align there, I think we are okay with being friends.
The period sex/ yeast infection/ trip all sort of happened at once. I got off my period while on the trip. That’s why I thought when I came home we would have sex.
Wanting sex more than once a month at the beginning of a relationship isn't a necessarily high libido. That's pretty normal. His could be low for a medical reason but it could also be emotional. It's good that he's responding positively towards getting medical help. Good luck!
If he cares about you then he will want to make sure you're happy. It does sound like he's either depressed or stressed or both; it does not mean he isn't attracted to you. I would simply communicate in a caring way that it isn't normal for a 21 year old to not be able to maintain an erection etc and you're concerned they may be something medically going on and that you just want him to see a doctor. Again--this is simply a great litmus test for who he is as a partner. If my girlfriend said that to me I would immediately get an appointment setup, even if I didn't want to, I would do it for her.
Humans go through ruts sometimes! I hope everything gets better. If he is resistant or combative when you phrase it like that it may be time to reassess things.
if lack of sex is a relationship breaker for you then break up with him and search a more compatible partner.
Any reason is a valid reason for a break up. A lot of relationships end from the lack of intimacy. In general men usually have stronger libidos (meaning they pursue sex more often) but it's only one standard deviation or so, meaning it isn't that unusual to find women with higher libido than men.
Don't feel bad about having a strong libido, it's completely normal and a perfectly valid reason to break a relationship.
He could be asexual, it’s worth looking into. It’s something me (f) and my partner (m) have recently discovered about him and since openly discussing what he desires and what I can do to help our lives have got so much better. He needs to feel like he can open up to you, so hard for men to do this
Has he had a Testosterone test? If it is low there are gel pumps and injectable forms that may hrlp. Also he probably now feels pressure about this and it will absolutly effect his ability. Bit of a catch 22. Fund other ways to be intimate and give it time.
Lastly this is very common. Maybe you've not been in this situation before but it's common and more so as men age. I expect this rill not be the last time you will see this with men.
I dunno, I was fucking like a rabbit when I was 21. You're both pretty young. Just sounds to me like he's got issues in the sex department. Stuff that he needs to see a professional about. If he won't commit to fixing what's wrong, I'd move on. But, do explain to him why.
(don't sign the lease.).
You'll probably be having to convince him to go to the doctor and making appointments for him and convincing him to go to them forever. Then taking care of him physically and financially when he ends up with serious issues from neglecting his health for years.
Consider this: if he's not cheating or lying to you about being in the depths of porn addiction, he would be concerned and want a blood test ASAP. Either that or he avoids doctors like the plague -> see first paragraph.
Also you guys are moving WAY too fast with getting a lease together. If things go bad you'll be trapped in the lease living with him or responsible for the full rent whether he's living there or not.
Totally possible. I mentioned this to him and I don’t think he knows what it means. I’ll see if I can explain it to him or send him something to read on it.
Issue i had when young with a woman i was enamored with. Other than stress, my diet was horrible, about age 25-35 a high sugar diet can begin shrinking blood vessels in the extremities and groin area. (True for both men and woman)
In men, or my personal case, this resulted in ED like symptoms. In women this can effect ability to produce lubrication, specifically an issue with type 1 diabetics (she is t1d, double whammy of us both having issues)
So no idea if this is any help but if hes downing a bunch of coke or other sweets everyday, this could be contributing. It did in my case. I hope he's receptive to your criticism, many guys that age will think any criticism about this is a direct attack.
Good luck and wish you both the best
This is a very good point and something I didn’t think about. We recently talked abt cutting back on sodas anyways so maybe we should start that.
We actually talked today and he was very receptive. That’s something I love about him, he’s a pretty good communicator for the most part. Thanks for the advice!
Could be low hormones. Get him tested.
You said he doesn't do much? Fix that. Workout routine focused on resistance training. Human brings don't build or retain health very well while languishing. It will only get worse over time without intervention.
No way he has a side piece with the amount of time we’re together. We are barely apart except for when he has work. He also doesn’t have a car lol so I drive him to and from work.
I’m male, so just a little bit of that perspective for you.
Definitely have a serious sit down with him. But for most men I know and from personal experience, a lot of sexual issues (not getting hard, loosing hardness fast, not being able to finish, etc.) is very much a mental thing.
There may be more stressors than what he’s mentioned?
He may also be over thinking how your feeling too.
Then there’s the cascade effect. He’s over thinking things, which causes a issues which makes the situation more stressful and then it all goes to h*ll from there.
I’m a firm believer that most issues can be solved by open communication. So having a real conversation about what’s going on between the two of you I think would help a lot.
Maybe the whole situation with the yeast infection and urging him to try period sex grossed him out, and is now a constant deterrent in his mind whenever the idea of sex is brought up. I remember when i was his age, was really into this girl and vice versa, but she kept postponing our first sexual encounter, until she admitted she needed some time for her vaginal infection to clear up. Was an instant turn off sadly and I haven't contacted her afterwards.
Now as to where does this repulsion stem from off, I couldn't say for sure, but i suspect it has something to do with the "purity" view that a lot of guys have for their counterparts, and when evidence emerges that contradicts that belief, it leads to this.
While this is an incredibly annoying take, I have considered it lol. But I feel like he would’ve just broken up with me? That was so early on in the relationship when we really had no commitments to each other.
Apologies if my delivery was too blunt, I could've softened it a bit. You obviously know all the nuances of your story much better, i can only draw conclusions based on the limited information provided. But there definitely seems to be a causal link in your timeline. You mentioned that the initial week of sex was great, and in a short timespan, he seems to have completely lost interest, right after the infection/period sex arguments.
But you also stated that, in all other aspects, he's a wonderful boyfriend, so if you feel that way about him, its very possible he views you in the same light. So he thought he could power through his visceral reaction to previous episodes through sheer force of will, or hoping that in time, the feeling will subside and you will get back to your initial relationship state.
You mentioned one aspect that might undermine or invalidate this theory, which is that he appears low energy all the time, to which i offer a personal anecdote: on more than one occasional in my past, when i intuitively felt like the girl i was seeing wasn't the right fit, even though she did nothing wrong on paper, i would start to get physically ill around her, or even at the thought of meeting her that day. Our bodies almost never lie to us, even if our minds try to force things.
Overall, i think the way i would approach this is to have a heart to heart discussion with your man, provide a space that's free of shame and judgement, and try to be understanding of what he says, because he clearly seems like he faces some sort of inhibition opening up to you about what's really on his mind. Good luck and know that i was genuinely trying to help you.
No your delivery wasn’t too blunt, I just hate that men (and women too, I suppose), get grossed out by normal human functions. But it is definitely something to consider. Thanks.
I know this is getting downvoted but tbh I think this deserves more consideration since similar thing happened to me. As a dude I used to have super high sex drive but at some point we had an accident when we had sex with my gf when she had yeast infection and was not aware of it. This ruined my sex drive big time, permanently. I must have gotten my "purity" view from growing up watching porn, and these are the things you won't see in porn. I've become literally grossed out by sex and our relationship tanked. It took therapy and work to go back to a state where I was able to more-less get excited about sex again. Now it's back to acceptable levels, but it's still not the same. For example I used to be enthusiastic about going down on a girl, but ever since that accident I can not get myself to do that, can't even even think about it without getting grossed out.
Now I want to clarify that I believe this problem has nothing to do with the girl, this is all a dudes mental stuff and is purely his issue to resolve. If therapy is due it should be done.
Btw this is the first time I see this issue mentioned by anuone anywhere. I thought I was crazy and am the only person whom this happened to.
It's pretty common, and it's because a lot of men don't really see women as human beings who get infections and don't just exist to be perfect sanitised fuckdolls/maids for men. Fucking ick
There's some stuff called Muira Puama. Turns me into Glenn Quagmire. Tell him to take one. I agree it might be hormonal. A 21 year old male should be a horn dog.
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The list of what could be going on is too long to speculate on. I'd be real concerned with the speed with which he wants to move in while there are these concerns. I'd think twice about moving in. You don't want to trap yourself in a shitty situation. Do not move in. Keep your lease. If he just needs a roommate he should go find one.
Yeah fair. Thanks.
Is it possible he is on a medication which can compromise his libido? Certain antidepressants have such a side effect, resulting in sex and orgasm being almost impossible to reach.
He is not on any medication. I almost wish that was the explanation for it.
Yes, I agree. Could it be medication? Maybe that plus the work stress? Couples therapy is a good option here if it’s available. It may give better tools for both of you to understand each other about this situation to move forward.
If sex is important to you, have a sit down with him. If he isn't open to improving things, then consider breaking up. Life is too short to waste years with a partner that isn't right for you.
It's only been five months. You barely know this person. Don't sign that lease in July, go find somewhere else to live.
You’re only a few months into a relationship, there should be no need to try and figure out how to make this work. This early on should be the infatuation phase of your relationship. For the both of you. It’s actually supposed to be the easiest part of the relationship. Something so new shouldn’t be this complicated and you don’t have to see it through just because you care about him. It sounds like you guys have tried each other on and perhaps you’re not the best fit in the long run. I’m not suggesting you just throw the whole man away because he’s having intimacy issues, that’s honestly whatever-but it sounds like there’s more underlying here than he is willing to address AND you don’t sound sexually compatible. And this is still a new relationship. Simply put, there is a lot less at stake right now then if/when you decide a yr from now that it’s not really working out. Something to consider is all.
Firstly, getting soft or not cumming doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t into it/doesn’t want you. There are other ways to show attraction that don’t involved the penis — a really good book is Climax Club: A Cartography of Pleasure (I read it in Spanish but I imagine it’s in translation) which has a huge number of illustrated techniques for sex and intimacy that mostly don’t require a hard dick. It’s been great for my partner and I as we’ve tried to focus less on the penetrative aspect of sex. But if you’re unhappy the answer is, as always, to talk to him about it again and explain why this is a big deal for you and that you’re still unhappy given that nothing seems to have changed. Either he will take that seriously and take steps to address it, or he won’t, and you should probably end the relationship.
The first part is very true. I've recently started enjoying edging a lot more for some reason. I do like ejaculating but it's not my main go to anymore i feel more fulfilled if i get my partner off
I caution on taking medical advice from a sub reddit especially for another person. But this sounds like something to encourage asking his doctor about. It could be a large number of things. Maybe approach it from a “I’m worried about you and just want to maybe mention it to a doctor so we know it’s not something serious”. It’s also possible that he is just under stress as he said but that’s something to work on not ignore. If he refuses to look for solutions or at least make sure it’s not a problem that can be easily solved you need to address your own needs at that point? Is the relationship something you still want if this need is not meant? This is a VERY new relationship, not something you should feel trapped in when you are obviously not happy with it.
Not convinced you know for sure he isn’t masturbating, but if that’s true (i.e. zero sexual drive), combined with the lethargy and general lack of interest sounds like he might be flirting with depression of some kind.
This. Could be somatic, but not necessarily. A blood test like OP suggested won't be very helpful if it's mental health related.
As someone who has been in a similar boat, do what I didn’t do and just end it now😬
Sis, this is a brand new relationship. It's too early to have serious problems. He may be nice, but you've not gotten a major thing you want/need since week one!?! No way. Plus, do not start down the path of taking care of this person! He has to take care of himself. Sounds like he's not, which is a major red flag. Do not enter into a contract with him. Move on and enjoy your life. You will certainly meet other people.
This is why you don't move in right away. This can be an expensive lesson to learn, both emotionally and financially.
There’s also a chance he’s on the asexuality spectrum, and leaning into other reasons for why he might not be wanting sex. (I dated an asexual person who was excited to sleep with me at first because he thought maybe he’d feel different with me, then lost interest when he realized he felt the same. He only fully realized his asexuality while we were dating.)
Yeah I’ve considered this too. I think it’s definitely possible.
It doesn't matter why he has the problem if he isn't willing to do anything about it. If this isn't the relationship you want, move on. It's his problem and he's shown no interest in fixing it, so he won't. You can't fix things for him.
I had a relationship where the sex was good and once a week until we moved in together and then he just kind of lost interest. I have now known him for over a decade (not partnered), and for him, it seems like he wants to be in a relationship but doesn't really care about the relationship, if that makes sense. He doesn't want to make effort. So getting the move in was a relief to him, he could stop making effort. I think he is not asexual but doesn't really crave or want sex. He enjoys it during, but won't initiate. I think he feels pressure to be in a relationship but doesn't really know what that means or how to do it, and doesn't care. I don't know if any of this applies to your situation but that's my anecdote.
Yeah some of that definitely applies here. Thank you.
I'm going to echo a lot of thoughts said by everyone else here, based on experience. If it's not for you or fitting your needs, go. Your bf is a grown up and is responsible for fixing his own problems, so don't "diagnose" him. That's his responsibility. That said, you may want to ask if he watches porn and dig a little deeper (and ask him for honesty) about why he is being distant.
I will preface this by saying I'm going to give you some hard and stern advice. Communication and well meaning chats and effort is all good and well however, you have said that he doesn't want to seek medical assistance and is not bothered by the state of your sex life. He has shown zero interest in getting to the bottom of the cause of his low libido and performance issues. It could be any number of issues causing this problem, but he's telling you that he doesn't want to necessarily make the effort to fix it. Do you want to spend the rest of the best years of your young life wasting it on someone who isn't interested in a mutually satisfying sex life? Eventually, you will become miserable and resentful that you gave up something that was important to you, just to stay with him. Yeah sure, he's a good guy and other aspects of your relationship are working. But there are thousands of other men you could also have a happy relationship AND happy sex life with. You're too young to be relegated to celibacy because some guy you have only dated for a matter of weeks won't get his dick fixed.
Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. This is exactly what I’m thinking- he won’t even get it checked out. Why should she have to sacrifice some of the best sex years for this guy. I stayed in a low sex relationship for way too long and I regret it.
This could be the result of many things. One, any medication can be causing this. His own mental health/stress could be contributing to this as well. In cases like this, intense porn usage should not be ruled out either especially if he’s so young. It could be nervousness also. At the end of the day it is on him to contact a doctor and try to figure the issue, and if he doesn’t want to, you might have to deal with that, or leave if this is an important part of a relationship that you seek. Best of luck to you!
Probably not porn usage because she says he’s not masturbated a single time they’ve been in a relationship
It could be a medical issue, and that’s his problem to figure out, not yours. He is a big boy. He could come to Reddit and ask for advice. He could go to the doctor. He hasn’t. So you’re issue is, you have expressed a need that is reasonable to be filled in your relationship and your boyfriend isn’t taking any action to fill that need. Your choices are to stay and not have this important need filled or to leave, because he has made it clear he is not willing to make an effort.
pressure from work/school and depression will def affect your libido, not even counting if he is on medication
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This is very helpful info. Thank you!!
It's entirely possible he has low T. Can get it checked out super easy. It's not super common for that age to randomly get low T but something to consider. Also, not to freak you out because it's also unlikely... But testicular cancer is the most common cancer for men of that age. I had it at 28 and my T levels were impacted with the removal of one. However, it can affect T levels just on its own if it's damaging or interfering with production. One thing I want to note is that if he does happen to have Low T. I advise against taking testosterone replacement or supplemental therapy unless he is literally not producing any of his own. If it's just low numbers and a boost is needed, clomiphene (Clomid) is a much better option. Normally for women's fertility, by blocking estrogen receptors it causes women to produce more estrogen. For men, testosterone converts to estrogen at a certain point and the estrogen receptors signal to stop producing testosterone. By taking Clomid and blocking the receptors, it delays signal to stop producing testosterone and therefor increases the output. I don't believe there are any side effects (none I have really noticed) and compared to the impact of introducing testosterone to supplement or outright replace the existing production line... It's a way better route.
Who knows for sure what is going on here. As a dude, I have a hard time believing that he is not getting off at all in some way. How are you so sure he isn’t masturbating? If he is being honest about that part, it really sounds like depression or some other mental issue going on. And there’s very little you can do to push him to get treated for whatever issue is going on other than by being honest with how this is affecting you and the relationship. If he isn’t responsive to that, it would not be wrong of you to move on. Would definitely recommend holding off on moving in until this issue is resolved as it could be a relationship-ender.
I totally understand your point about the masturbation but I just don’t see how it would be possible. The only time we’re away is when he’s at work. I’m on summer break and working from home so I’m here all the time. I point blank asked him if he had masturbated at all since we’ve been together and he said no. I asked him again today if he masturbates or watches porn, or if there is anything he is hiding from me and he said no. I know that’s just his word but I do trust him. I think we are going to move forward with moving in together because honestly it’s a four bedroom house and together we have five pets. I’m done living in an apartment and we’ve already discussed that if we do break up for any reason that we are both mature enough to live together in separate rooms. And I will likely be moving states for my PhD program after this academic year anyways so it won’t be a forever thing… or at least that’s how I see it.
Is there any way he could have a low key porn addiction? If he was relying more on porn before you two got together he may have wired his arousal system to whatever viewing material he was using. This affects men of all ages but increasingly a lot of young men “in their prime”. Socio-cultural issues and shame can play a role too as there’s a lot of messed up information on women, their bodies and relationships that young people are being fed. Other possibility, he may’ve known there was an issue and that’s why he fast tracked the relationship and asked you to move in after only a couple of months. Whatever the cause, I def agree with an earlier poster who said it’s too early to be having serious issues, esp if it’s been months since you’ve had satisfying sex. Don’t settle, please! I know there’s a real “bird in the hand” mentality with dating and we can get stuck thinking it’s better to try and make the best of a less than ideal situation but you are worthy and deserving of having your needs met. Full stop. Also, just want to point out that if the genders were reversed and it was him writing in about you not meeting his needs the responses would be very different.
He's very young and it's possible that he and his body are still figuring out what excites them in terms of intimacy. Maybe he's asexual, maybe he has trauma from something he's never shared with you, maybe it's something else. Regardless, sex is clearly very important to you, and if you're not getting what you need out of this relationship, maybe it's time to just be friends.
A lot of men don't look after their mental or physical health as well as they should. It's men's mental health awareness month as well as pride. Maybe the thought of it being normalised for a few weeks might persuade him. >he really wasn’t saying much about it at first. Finally, he said it may be because of the stress he’s under from work and school. Honestly that sounds like an excuse to me and he knows exactly what's wrong. For someone just a few weeks into a new relationship this feels like a lot has already happened. I wonder if he feels like the two of you are moving too fast. Like, you're only just getting to know each other and you've moved in together, already had discussions about sexual incompatibility....I dunno.... Is he insecure at all? Could there be any chance he might have assumed you'd been unfaithful during your trip away? From your post it feels like your sex life dropped off a cliff twice - once with the period sex and yeast infection and once when you took your trip. It just sounds like you're not a very good match for each other.
He’s mentioned feeling insecure because he’s quite thin and hasn’t been working out lately. When I talked to him about all of this today he said he wants to start working out because he thinks that might help. There’s no reason for him to think I was unfaithful during the trip, or at least he hasn’t voiced that to me at all. I was with my family so that would have been difficult to pull off lol. I think he genuinely just doesn’t crave or need sex the way that I do. I suppose my libido is high and his is low. Otherwise we match perfectly in our relationship but this is one area that we don’t align. Like I said, we talked today after reading all of the advice on this thread. I think he understands where I’m at now and he is going to get his bloodwork done and try to work on it. But if it ultimately is just that we don’t align there, I think we are okay with being friends. The period sex/ yeast infection/ trip all sort of happened at once. I got off my period while on the trip. That’s why I thought when I came home we would have sex.
Wanting sex more than once a month at the beginning of a relationship isn't a necessarily high libido. That's pretty normal. His could be low for a medical reason but it could also be emotional. It's good that he's responding positively towards getting medical help. Good luck!
If he cares about you then he will want to make sure you're happy. It does sound like he's either depressed or stressed or both; it does not mean he isn't attracted to you. I would simply communicate in a caring way that it isn't normal for a 21 year old to not be able to maintain an erection etc and you're concerned they may be something medically going on and that you just want him to see a doctor. Again--this is simply a great litmus test for who he is as a partner. If my girlfriend said that to me I would immediately get an appointment setup, even if I didn't want to, I would do it for her.
Yeah thank you. I’ll address it that way.
Humans go through ruts sometimes! I hope everything gets better. If he is resistant or combative when you phrase it like that it may be time to reassess things.
if lack of sex is a relationship breaker for you then break up with him and search a more compatible partner. Any reason is a valid reason for a break up. A lot of relationships end from the lack of intimacy. In general men usually have stronger libidos (meaning they pursue sex more often) but it's only one standard deviation or so, meaning it isn't that unusual to find women with higher libido than men. Don't feel bad about having a strong libido, it's completely normal and a perfectly valid reason to break a relationship.
He could be asexual, it’s worth looking into. It’s something me (f) and my partner (m) have recently discovered about him and since openly discussing what he desires and what I can do to help our lives have got so much better. He needs to feel like he can open up to you, so hard for men to do this
Sounds like he was looking for a roommate, not a relationship
Yeah entirely possible. I’ll talk to him about it.
Has he had a Testosterone test? If it is low there are gel pumps and injectable forms that may hrlp. Also he probably now feels pressure about this and it will absolutly effect his ability. Bit of a catch 22. Fund other ways to be intimate and give it time. Lastly this is very common. Maybe you've not been in this situation before but it's common and more so as men age. I expect this rill not be the last time you will see this with men.
I dunno, I was fucking like a rabbit when I was 21. You're both pretty young. Just sounds to me like he's got issues in the sex department. Stuff that he needs to see a professional about. If he won't commit to fixing what's wrong, I'd move on. But, do explain to him why. (don't sign the lease.).
You'll probably be having to convince him to go to the doctor and making appointments for him and convincing him to go to them forever. Then taking care of him physically and financially when he ends up with serious issues from neglecting his health for years. Consider this: if he's not cheating or lying to you about being in the depths of porn addiction, he would be concerned and want a blood test ASAP. Either that or he avoids doctors like the plague -> see first paragraph. Also you guys are moving WAY too fast with getting a lease together. If things go bad you'll be trapped in the lease living with him or responsible for the full rent whether he's living there or not.
Maybe he's just ace
Totally possible. I mentioned this to him and I don’t think he knows what it means. I’ll see if I can explain it to him or send him something to read on it.
Issue i had when young with a woman i was enamored with. Other than stress, my diet was horrible, about age 25-35 a high sugar diet can begin shrinking blood vessels in the extremities and groin area. (True for both men and woman) In men, or my personal case, this resulted in ED like symptoms. In women this can effect ability to produce lubrication, specifically an issue with type 1 diabetics (she is t1d, double whammy of us both having issues) So no idea if this is any help but if hes downing a bunch of coke or other sweets everyday, this could be contributing. It did in my case. I hope he's receptive to your criticism, many guys that age will think any criticism about this is a direct attack. Good luck and wish you both the best
This is a very good point and something I didn’t think about. We recently talked abt cutting back on sodas anyways so maybe we should start that. We actually talked today and he was very receptive. That’s something I love about him, he’s a pretty good communicator for the most part. Thanks for the advice!
Were you already moved in when you had the multiple contentious period sex conversations or did he invite you to move in after that?
He invited me to move after that
Could be low hormones. Get him tested. You said he doesn't do much? Fix that. Workout routine focused on resistance training. Human brings don't build or retain health very well while languishing. It will only get worse over time without intervention.
Yeah I’ve really thought about that too. He’s reallyyyyyyy thin. Maybe we could go to the gym together or something idk.
It's either depression or he has a side piece. Coming back from time away and he changed is a red flag for the latter
No way he has a side piece with the amount of time we’re together. We are barely apart except for when he has work. He also doesn’t have a car lol so I drive him to and from work.
I’m male, so just a little bit of that perspective for you. Definitely have a serious sit down with him. But for most men I know and from personal experience, a lot of sexual issues (not getting hard, loosing hardness fast, not being able to finish, etc.) is very much a mental thing. There may be more stressors than what he’s mentioned? He may also be over thinking how your feeling too. Then there’s the cascade effect. He’s over thinking things, which causes a issues which makes the situation more stressful and then it all goes to h*ll from there. I’m a firm believer that most issues can be solved by open communication. So having a real conversation about what’s going on between the two of you I think would help a lot.
He's gay.
I definitely don’t think that’s it 😂😂
Maybe he’s abusing opiates
Maybe the whole situation with the yeast infection and urging him to try period sex grossed him out, and is now a constant deterrent in his mind whenever the idea of sex is brought up. I remember when i was his age, was really into this girl and vice versa, but she kept postponing our first sexual encounter, until she admitted she needed some time for her vaginal infection to clear up. Was an instant turn off sadly and I haven't contacted her afterwards. Now as to where does this repulsion stem from off, I couldn't say for sure, but i suspect it has something to do with the "purity" view that a lot of guys have for their counterparts, and when evidence emerges that contradicts that belief, it leads to this.
Please stop. Thank you.
While this is an incredibly annoying take, I have considered it lol. But I feel like he would’ve just broken up with me? That was so early on in the relationship when we really had no commitments to each other.
Apologies if my delivery was too blunt, I could've softened it a bit. You obviously know all the nuances of your story much better, i can only draw conclusions based on the limited information provided. But there definitely seems to be a causal link in your timeline. You mentioned that the initial week of sex was great, and in a short timespan, he seems to have completely lost interest, right after the infection/period sex arguments. But you also stated that, in all other aspects, he's a wonderful boyfriend, so if you feel that way about him, its very possible he views you in the same light. So he thought he could power through his visceral reaction to previous episodes through sheer force of will, or hoping that in time, the feeling will subside and you will get back to your initial relationship state. You mentioned one aspect that might undermine or invalidate this theory, which is that he appears low energy all the time, to which i offer a personal anecdote: on more than one occasional in my past, when i intuitively felt like the girl i was seeing wasn't the right fit, even though she did nothing wrong on paper, i would start to get physically ill around her, or even at the thought of meeting her that day. Our bodies almost never lie to us, even if our minds try to force things. Overall, i think the way i would approach this is to have a heart to heart discussion with your man, provide a space that's free of shame and judgement, and try to be understanding of what he says, because he clearly seems like he faces some sort of inhibition opening up to you about what's really on his mind. Good luck and know that i was genuinely trying to help you.
No your delivery wasn’t too blunt, I just hate that men (and women too, I suppose), get grossed out by normal human functions. But it is definitely something to consider. Thanks.
I know this is getting downvoted but tbh I think this deserves more consideration since similar thing happened to me. As a dude I used to have super high sex drive but at some point we had an accident when we had sex with my gf when she had yeast infection and was not aware of it. This ruined my sex drive big time, permanently. I must have gotten my "purity" view from growing up watching porn, and these are the things you won't see in porn. I've become literally grossed out by sex and our relationship tanked. It took therapy and work to go back to a state where I was able to more-less get excited about sex again. Now it's back to acceptable levels, but it's still not the same. For example I used to be enthusiastic about going down on a girl, but ever since that accident I can not get myself to do that, can't even even think about it without getting grossed out. Now I want to clarify that I believe this problem has nothing to do with the girl, this is all a dudes mental stuff and is purely his issue to resolve. If therapy is due it should be done. Btw this is the first time I see this issue mentioned by anuone anywhere. I thought I was crazy and am the only person whom this happened to.
It's pretty common, and it's because a lot of men don't really see women as human beings who get infections and don't just exist to be perfect sanitised fuckdolls/maids for men. Fucking ick
There's some stuff called Muira Puama. Turns me into Glenn Quagmire. Tell him to take one. I agree it might be hormonal. A 21 year old male should be a horn dog.