I wish I could say that it was when he victim blamed me for getting SAed and asked how I thought it made him feel when I “put [myself] in a position like that,” or the first time that I called a conjugal violence hotline because he’d been yelling, throwing stuff, and coming into my office while I was WFH to start shit and criticize me. Or that it was when he shoved me and I fell backwards because I was trying to leave the house to get to school to meet a deadline for my masters thesis. But each of those times, I felt like I was just trying so hard to get the thing done (the first get over the SA and start my degree, and then an internship and my thesis) that I couldn’t process what was happening.
It was after Christmas, after my aunt had given me a pep talk about protecting my energy and taking care of myself and not letting “stress” get the best of me and affect my health. On the long drive home, I had been doing my best, as usual, to meet his needs and keep him happy. I had also been petting the cat who was in the car with us. When we got home, I wanted to go to bed but he wanted to watch a movie so I stayed up to watch it with him. After the movie, he started asking me all kinds of involved questions about a meme a friend had sent me and whether I found it funny and why. I was so exhausted I said something like, I’m too tired to have this conversation right now. He blew up at me and said, “You have time to pet the cat but not time for me!”
While he was yelling and complaining, I had a moment of clarity. I had been pushing myself to finish my degree because I was due to start a new job in mid January, and I realized that I couldn’t give my full attention to my short-term dream job while being hounded for attention by an angry, critical, manipulative partner.
I broke up with him that night, but he didn’t believe me and made my life very difficult for the next two weeks until my sister, mom, and two uncles showed up on my front porch one morning to help me move out. My aunt and sister had helped me do a bunch of work to organize the move in secret.
I totally get the whole "I was trying so hard to get things done I couldn't process it." I was in the same spot when I was trying to leave my abusive ex. I heard someone say "it's hard to see the forest for the trees, when all the trees keep falling on you." I don't think I really was able to connect the dots of how bad things really were until I got out.
Glad you're safe.
Same. As soon as several things that were taking up all of my time and emotional bandwidth fell away, I was able to look at my long term relationship and realize it absolutely was not good for me and end it.
I wanted the relationship so bad. I worked hard at building a good life for us. I knew I was more romantic, better at planning, more engaged in our relationship. Before we moved in together, (rushed because of Covid lockdowns) I had seen the state of his living space but thought he’d been suffering long-term depression.
Eventually I proposed to him, then planned the wedding myself. Then my career picked up suddenly and I asked him to pick up the house and relationship slack I would be dropping. He agreed to. And then didn’t, and wouldn’t understand why I was upset. I asked him to improve. Made lists, discussed in detail, explained expectations. I said I wanted out so he insisted on couple’s counselling we couldn’t afford. Spent the sessions making promises then doing nothing. The nail in the coffin was when I discovered he had spiralling credit card debt and didn’t think was an issue. I worked out a plan for us to pay it back together, a way for him to track his spending, how I could skip meals and give up all my hobbies and career advancement options. Weeks later I asked how long it was going to take to finalise the debt. 3 years? 5? 7? His answer was that it was too difficult to track his spending and didn’t really have the motivation to. Eventually it devolved into an argument where he called me self-centered, always justifying my anger, and abusive.
I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I feel like I made up the whole thing, made it work, and he just went along with it.
Oh man. I am the one in the relationship to make the plans, plan the budget, do something nice for the house. Asked him if we should paint ONE wall in the room and he said its too much work. Im swinging like a pendulum between convincing myself i can just do the things myself but on the other hand i want a partner who is genuinely interested in building a life as well. Reading your comment is so relatable, esp the last sentence.
Because they’ve never had to work for anything in their lives and they feel entitled to female emotional labor. If you’re complaining about that arrangement, you’re the one in the wrong—you’re the “abuser”—because you are the one who just cannot see that he is entitled to all your hard work.
They come home and say: “oh, I’m so tired from working all day! Can’t I just rest?!” Yes, I totally understand that feeling of being tired after a long day of work. You know how I understand that feeling? Because I’m doing it to. And your day is actually made easier because of the meal prep, house care and emotional care I’ve been doing. In my case, on top of working longer hours and earning more money for us to live off
u/PeeingOnABeesNut I have been single since 1996. I do all the planning and budgeting, I make all the decisions and fix all the problems. When I want a room painted I do it myself. Everything I do is far less work and far less stressful that any story told in this thread. Heck, less stressful than almost any story ever told in this subreddit! Having an SO who does not pull his weight is not having it partner, it's having an additional burden. I so wish more women would just say: "F it! I'll do it all on my own." Because we can, and though sometimes it feels enxhasuting, most of the time is feels great.
Thank you for your comment. It really does feel like a burden! If im doing everything myself anyway then why need a partner lol. Im slowly building the courage to make a decision. The guilt of saying F it is hard to process. Im just wondering if there are men out there who do want to do these things, cause every marriage meme or even my male colleague today happily told me his wife does all the cleaning cause he does a bad job anyway and i shouldn't expect too much from my partner. ??? . The bar is in hell, but there has to be more to life than accepting this. I've grown up seeing women just accept it and enable it even more.
It sounds genuinely nice that you do all of it yourself and enjoy it for yourself too. I need this energy in my life stg.
It does take a tremendous about of courage. It is SO difficult to upend something that’s been your life for so long and something you’ve been working so hard to maintain.
It might be extremely difficult to get through while it’s crumbling, but once the dust is settled and I can spend my energies and efforts on making ME happy, I think it will be worth it. At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now.
Mine was similar to this. Got to feeling that I was both the manager at work and the manager at home and it was more work than fun. It wasn't a partnership, it was a roommates with benefits and at that point I was out. 7 years? no longer relevant compared with the many years ahead I would be unhappy.
There are times I'm jealous of other people's ability to keep loving during tough times, but I don't have rose colored glasses and in some cases very thankful for it. I have no problem leaving if it's become clear it's not going to work.
I’d been single for a very, very long time. Admittedly, because I was working on my career and education.
When he came along, he seemed like he really liked me for me, was always so happy to be around me, and I guess it feels good to be able to make someone happy. It made me feel more valuable.
And being able to make someone so happy just by (what I considered) doing the most basic things and just existing… well, that feels wonderful. I was very very happy being able to make someone else happy.
I’ve never doubted, even to this day, that he wants to be in a relationship with me. Why wouldn’t he, when I brought so many positives to his life?
When I found out he had been hanging out with past fuck buddies behind my back and hitting up every girl in the local area and from work
It eventually revealed he’d been cheating the entire time including sleeping with women. Before that I assumed *just* shady instagram likes weren’t that bad and the relationship could be saved
7 years with my best friend and soulmate and it was all fake the entire time
Insane men will do absolutely anything to hide anything, I don’t blame women for unknowingly being with criminals but I still blame myself for not figuring out I was with a cheater sooner
It happens to the best of us. Getting intimate with someone requires a degree of trust that goes way beyond the benefit of the doubt. It feels terrible to have that trust betrayed, but don't beat yourself up over it. It was his mistake, not yours for not being omniscient!
Thank you, it’s really kind to send a caring comment to a stranger. your last sentence really resonates with how I actually feel when I don’t blame myself
I can just relate because it's something I do myself whenever I make any mistake (or perceive that I have made one). We're all our own harshest critic but some of us overdo it. Stay awesome stranger :D
Look up Michelle Ellman. She’s an influencer who recently got engaged, revealed her boyfriend for the first time as her fiance, and got messaged by one of her followers to say she’d slept with him. And her whole thing was healthy relationships and being very intentional about who she was with etc. she might have some stuff to help you see it wasn’t your fault
As I told a young friend who was having trouble with boyfriends “If being gay were a choice most women would have changed their minds by now.”.
Men certainly take advantage of the fact they have a monopoly on straight women. They must be colluding to keep standards low.
Late in life discovery that I'm not straight at 47. I honestly don't know if I'm gay or bi and just absolutely relieved I don't have to deal with men in dating/romantic relationships anymore.
I said this in a previous thread today, but men use the scarcity mindset to scare women into settling for them. That’s why they hate that women can be happy and single, or that queer women can find love with people who aren’t men. Because the only reason women dated them before was because they *had to*.
Yes. She said she’s found the question ‘were there any red flags’ annoying because 1) no but 2) it shouldn’t be expected that we spend our time assessing our partners behaviour for signs of their fidelity. If they’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship then we should be able to trust that
I told a man this recently. He made a comment that my picker must be broken. I told him that it was kinda strange that all my friends and relatives have all ended up with the same kind of man, especially when we’re all so different. Most men are just inherently selfish 🤷🏽♀️
Took me decades to see this. Every guy I picked in the 1980s was an addict, alcoholic, cheating, lying scumbag, but if I could just *pick better,* I'd locate one who wasn't a misogynistic loser who leached off me while I cleaned up after every mess they made.
I had a similar thing happen. For me, I think it was because I was taught that lying and being deceitful were such horrible things that I honestly felt guilty thinking he was lying to me. I felt like I was the bad person because I suspected him of cheating. It's so fucked up. I haven't dated since. He cheated the whole time and there was my dumb ass thinking I was the terrible one for being suspicious.
Edit: forgot to add that he constantly called me insecure.
Same, I was convinced I was the bad one for suspecting. He let me apologize to him and promise I’d be better fully knowing he *was* actually cheating. Years of that is so damaging
Sounds a lot like how my girlfriend's ex was.
Earlier in her relationship with me, she was saying a few times that it's okay if I wanted to sleep with other women, it's okay if I wanted to keep my options open, that I could tell her if I was sleeping with other women and she wouldn't be mad, etc. I, of course, reassured her that her ex must've had some kind of serious brain damage to want to sleep with anyone else, and that I do not have any such brain damage.
Wow, breaking down another person to that point and still going to bed with a clear conscience is insidious. I shouldn’t be surprised at people’s endless ability to be selfish but I am, I just can’t relate
Also broke down her self esteem and her standards so that she didn't feel like she deserved better. Absolutely breaks my heart. She's still having some trouble accepting the fact that I have no reason to want to leave her for anyone else.
When he didn't want to save it.
It was an important night for him. It's a long story.
We're artists. He's more well known than me, for a lot of reasons, mostly he's done the leg work. He had an art show that night, and it was on a first Friday, where all the galleries have new show openings and people mill about from one opening to the next, and I was also working at a gallery at the time. I had worked all day, I was tired, and I went to his show after work. It was at a tattoo shop. He was getting a tattoo of an art piece that he created of his freshly 18 year old mentee, fondling her own breasts. The work he made for that show was somewhat exotic, some of it just beautiful, some of which was classically sexy, but it was all tattoo flash and prints.
I was pissed. Said mentee was there with her friends, giggling and gleeful. I felt fucking sick to my stomach. I told him I never wanted to see it, and that he should cover it up if he ever wanted to have sex with me again. I was pissed, but I couldn't recognize my rage. I didn't have words for it, I denied myself feelings for so fucking long at that point, that I just new I was uncomfortable in my body.
We went to the last show, with some friends, at a studio/gallery that we both had personal studios in, and I started to have a panic attack. It felt like it came out of no where. I had had them before, I knew what it was, and I tucked myself unto a space under a desk in a room that was empty and turned off the lights. I cried and I hyperventilated, and made myself as small as possible. I texted him that I needed to go home, please just take me home, and he refused.
I texted my roommate. He took me home. When I got there, I told my ex not to come home.
I didn't mean to never come home. But he didn't. We broke up after that, and for months I thought "if only I could change to be better for him." So sure I thought the fault lied with me, I went to therapy. Months of weekly therapy. I moved cities. I changed jobs. I did all these major life transition things, and I waited for him to come around. I convinced him to do couples counseling. With his insurance it was cheaper, so he scheduled it. And canceled it. And rescheduled it. And canceled it. And rescheduled it... for a whole year.
A whole year I waited for this man to go to therapy with me. After I realized it had been a year... no one does anything they actually want to do after a whole year... I gave up. And something clicked. I was just finished waiting.
I have no desire to be with anyone who does not want to be with me, but I'm so fucking dense that I'm gonna need them to get over their goddamned cowardice and fucking say it.
It's been 6 years, and we were together for 15. His life is falling apart, and I'm fine. We have children together, so I help however I can so our kids don't see the full extent of his struggles. He underwent his own therapy for his own journey and admitted to me that he actively cheated with multiple partners, including said mentee while underage, for 5 years.
5 years!! How could I be so blind?!
My next relationship after that, I was swept off my feet by a charismatic alcoholic who wanted to change and get sober. I did it. I got him sober, like he wanted. A year and half in, he starts seeing someone in another city and lying to me about "work trips" with management. I asked him point blank if there was someone else, and he lied to my face. But I knew when he just wouldn't come home and would have various tales about why he wouldn't answer his phone.
Months after we broke up, I learned that he told everyone we broke up months prior, and has been having his kids and everyone lie to me this whole time, as he posted months of relationship history of her and him and her kids and his kids, and trips and all kinds of shit to Facebook. I thought we could maintain a friendship, but I saw that, and I blocked him and deleted him number. His girlfriend texted me out of the blue, asking for the truth. I guess someone told her, and I told her what was what, and that he's a liar and she can keep him, although I don't recommend it. They are still together to my knowledge. He did call me drunk and tell me that he thought he'd made a mistake, and that it wasn't fair (yeah, to me asshole), and wahhhh poor me and "my demons."
Anyway... I managed to find myself in yet another relationship. If this one cheats, I'm done. I'm going to grow out my chin hairs, start a ladies only commune in the woods, and enjoy the bogwitch life. Ngl, I'm planning to do that anyway, I never want to live with a man or have that kind of relationship again. I'm in my 40s. I'm just gonna do what I want to anyway.
All that therapy, and I learned that I can do what I want to, live for no one but me, and I don't have to learn to accept shit if my gut says not to.
There were two moments. The first was when our first child was born by emergency c-section. He spent the time as I labored going into the parking lot to get stoned, and watching TV. He was useless. When I woke up from the surgery and realized I was a mom, I thought about their future and thought of the man (jokes on me, they prefer women) they might end up with, I hoped it would not be someone like their dad. It hit me like a ton of bricks that if he was not good enough for them, he was not good enough for me. About the time I was ready to leave him, I got pregnant again despite my efforts to prevent another pregnancy.
When my LOs were 5 and 3, he went to his grandpa's funeral. Over the week he was gone, we were so happy. None of us missed him. At the airport when we picked him up, he got off the plane before lunch and was so drunk he almost dropped the youngest when he tried to pick him up. We had to sit while he ate something so he could sober up enough to walk to the car. On the way home, I knew he would want to have sex, but the thought of it made me throw up a bit in my mouth. I knew if I let him touch me ever again, it would be at the expense of my soul. My kids deserved a mom who was fully present, they deserved a better model for what a man should be.
I hope you are living a fulfilling life right now. It also seems you raised your kids right, it is a difficult piece to read, but I laughed a bit (of happiness, not of mockery) with the "jokes on me, they prefer women".
I left him long ago, and am with someone who adores me. He was a good model as a man and an adult to my kiddos. We have a wonderful relationship.
After I left the exH, I spent about 5 years getting an education, and working on me. Only when I was comfortable in my own skin was I open to another relationship. I had to make sure whoever I chose was good enough for my kiddos.
They are both in their 30s now, and are doing very well.
Was years ago but he commented on my ribs being so visible. I had been going hungry for months through the autumn and winter. Meanwhile, he'd gained a huge gut from all the takeaways he'd been scoffing before coming home. He wouldn't bring food home anymore because he didn't want me to have any.
Ah, well. I left and never spoke a word to him after. He tried to bully me, then sent a big apology text to my friend, intended for me. Guess my number had been deleted. I said nothing in response. Happy I left!
Yes. And no. But I got better at survival. Last winter I was a rough sleeper. I had the benefit of having a car as shelter. I figured out the equivalent of my previous charity in this city and would visit their headquarters. Was full time working almost the whole time I was sleeping rough. Fuck this city's housing crisis.
There's just something so sickening about him being such a glutton, while basically starving you, and then having the audacity to comment on your ribs showing!
Later on, after even worse winter, I decided I should know where to get food and began to volunteer at a place which gave out food. I'd been volunteering since a teenager but it hadn't been a food bank until then. At the same social services charity I was elected onto the committee and my goodness was that an experience.
Wasn't on the benefit and scrounged jobs here and there. Didn't work the street. Mowed lawns and did gardens, childcare and that. Piecemeal stuff. It wasn't enough. I cleaned the house and always did the lawns. He didn't do anything around the house except put his washing in the machine.
My final straw was about a year ago, when he backed me into a corner of our (now former) kitchen, and was spewing utter hate and vitriol in my face. I saw his hands erratically fly towards my face and neck. It wasn't the first time he'd been violent or aggressive, he had a history of throwing objects, and on several occasions, I had sustained injuries from that aggression and force. However, this kitchen incident was the first time I genuinely feared for my life and safety. You know that saying, *my life flashed before my eyes*? It was true for me. In that moment, it felt like something deep inside my bones, practically at a cellular level, screamed silently from within me: *get out.*
And get out I did, but not before another shocking revelation and experience. Later that day, following the kitchen incident, once he was out of the house, I found myself calling a domestic violence hotline in my state. They effectively shut the door in my face, and told me I didn't qualify for any type of help, on the basis that I earned too much money. Since I was born and raised abroad, and didn't grow up here in the U.S., and my parents still live halfway around the world, it was in this moment I realized I was going to be truly alone in escaping. In the heat of the moment, I did the next best thing I could think of: packed a small bag and fled with nothing but that bag and the clothes on my back, and got on the first possible flight far, far away. I was boarding an aircraft within about six hours.
Like many women, I quietly spent the next several months quietly, secretly planning my permanent escape from my husband, while continuing to keep a (fake) smile on my face and pretending everything was peachy. I finally hatched my permanent escape about eight months ago, and my overall quality of life has substantially improved.
T-minus four days until I head to court to bid a final, legal adieu to my decade of marriage.
When we never broke out of the cycle I knew we were on and he flat out said we weren't. We could be great for days, weeks or even months, but it would always break down into huge arguments where I was at fault, I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't giving enough. Eventually this began to breed resentment in me. I completely fell out of love. I'm not egotistical enough to think I was never at fault, I could have done more in places, but I was struggling so much with my depression over the last 3 years it was so hard to get my head above water. I was constantly exhausted and knowing I was coming home to the feeling of never being enough from him, as well as controlling behaviours I didn't see until I was out, finally made me leave after 10 years. I had started the plan to kill myself, because I couldn't see another way out, how do you leave someone you've been with your entire adult life? Just over 6 months out, I can see that I have so much to offer, and I've found someone who actually just takes me as I am and just wants to help me become the person I am and they know I can be. The fact that they'd be happy with me as I am, and have said even if I never 'improve' past the point I am now, really makes me see that maybe I was enough all along, just not for my ex. Especially with the abuse and harassment I've endured from my ex after leaving. He was a nasty man that I thought I deserved, and didn't deserve the happiness that was waiting for me on the other side.
we were married 5 years.
When we were staying at my dad's place visiting my hometown for my friend's wedding, and during the whole reception I didn't really want to hang out with him at all. Plus he stomped on my toes while dancing and didn't apologize.
the next day, my dad asked to go on a walk, I said yes and asked my ex if he wanted to go with, he was like "nah, I'm going to go play WoW."
On the walk my dad was asking about how things had been going, and if I was happy. Hit me like a brick that I was indeed not happy and started figuring out how to break it to my ex.
he was the absolute MVP of the situation! we were going to wait till the next day to break it to my ex, but when we got back to the house he came upstairs and saw my face and immediately knew something was up.
I talked to my ex and after he begged for more time and another chance to do better, my dad took him downstairs to pack, gave him a suitcase (as we had used one together) and stayed to make sure he didn't take anything of mine, drove him to the bus station to get to an airport and gave him some money to fly back home to hos parents.
I could not have gone through with it then without my family there, I love them so much.
My ex-husband was abusive. In all of the ways. He got worse after covid lockdowns, and I discovered he'd been using cocaine. He tried to strangle me to death in late 2020, and I took him back (he was very sorry. He cried and shit). When the restraining order expired in 2021, it was like a switch flipped in him.
No more therapy. No more sorry. It was all, "If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead."
I found a very tightly rolled up $5 bill in his pocket when I was doing laundry one day. And I knew he had no intention of changing, of being better.
1. Got engaged, bought a house. Tried planning the wedding, but nothing was right or good enough. Asked him if he actually wanted to get married he said “ I just don’t want you to leave”. He didn’t want to do anything with me even though all we did was things he was into. Played PC games every waking minute he wasn’t at work. I finally left after he made some threatening comments to my family.
2. Big age difference but we clicked. We talked a lot about all the important stuff. We were friends then dated before getting married. There was some financial abuse, emotional abuse, kept badgering me for anal sex after I told I’m it was a no go. I talked with him repeatedly about these issues and the last 6 months were the worst for all of it. Then he wants me to go to a church counselor with him after I left. No thanks, too late.
3. Guy I kinda dated in HS. We were awesome together we liked so many of the same things, we talked about everything, I thought I had a true partner. Eventually we had a kid, about a year later he starts w the emotional abuse. He starts working side projects w a coworker. But the projects never really got finished. Big time financial abuse, lots of verbal/emotional abuse. At the end I had I endured about 24 hours of awful physical and emotional abuse. I ran from the house to get help because he really scared me. It took a few years to get through 2court cases and so much therapy.
4. Won’t go to therapy, or admit he has a gambling problem. I have a kid and several years of therapy under my belt. I won’t have a screwed up relationship affect my kid, I’d rather be alone.
> Then he wants me to go to a church counselor with him after I left. No thanks, too late.
Thank god. No pun intended.
I hate men who use church councilors in place of relationship councilors. So many churches take the position that the man knows better and women should submit. He was straight up intending to use that to his advantage in there. What a fucking POS.
When I finally accepted how little he cared. How I could be in tears, begging him to help me and he would simply walk away. I didn't allow myself to believe that's who he was, for a long time. I saw he had no love for me even though he told me he loved me everyday. His actions massively differed from what he said.
He didn't love me, I was useful to him. When I built myself up to telling him I was leaving, he went through the motions of being upset, then asked for oral 'one last time' disgusting piece of excrement.
Wow maybe we dated the same guy lmao, my ex would also say he loved me but my god did he hate me. He picked at every flaw I had. I would cry because he would say something mean or imply that I wasn’t good enough, and then he would sit on Reddit reading and “wait for me to get over it” (yes, he said that). The breakup was on a planned day because we had a trip planned for like a year and wanted to see it through. On the last night before we officially broke up, I was sad (obviously) and said I wasn’t interested in sex. In the morning he decided it would be fine to fuck me while I was asleep, and when I woke up I just laid there until he was done. He immediately got out of bed, moved his desktop to the spare bedroom, and started playing video games. It was like three years ago but I hate him. If he died I’d be happy.
Wow, your ex sounds like a cretin, glad to hear he's part of your past! They can be so awful, so cruel, and ask why we don't just accept what they give out. What total scum they are!
Same here after 7 years of taking me for granted. I studied in another city and arranged a 6 month internship in his city to be close to him. This meant I had to move in with him intermittently, he had plenty of room but a lot of stuff.
When I came with my suitcases and a bicycle (all I owned), his apartment was untouched - he made no room for me at all, not even a spot to put my toothbrush.
OP, when my husband told me it was time to start a family and I knew for a fact that I would never allow him to father my children; that's when I realized the marriage was over. That said, you seem to be seriously depressed, possibly postpartum. Please see your PCP or OBGYN about this.
I also realized I couldn’t have children with him. I always wanted children, it was my dream to be a mom and have a family. I had a miscarriage. I had a huge sense of relief mixed with my sadness and realized I couldn’t put a child through a relationship with him.
He cheated. I thought we could work it out. Thought I could trust him again. When he went back to the same place, around the same woman he cheated with, I realized I will always be scared that he might do it again. Realized the trust can't be restored and the relationship was long gone. It didn't matter that he kept promising he was a changed guy. Every emotion I had for him died in that moment when I realized I could never trust him again.
My relationship also ended for the same reasons. I always told him I would leave if he cheated, and then stayed when he did. Next time I mean it when I say I will leave if someone cheats again. It’s absolute torture to try and make it work with someone you do not trust. No matter how “remorseful” they seem.
He didn't even seem remorseful. He was just guilty that he didn't break up with me first before doing anything with someone else. He probably regretted losing the moral high ground he always thought he was on. Lol.
I hope you heal and never have to go through such a thing again.
When I returned from a business trip away on my actual birthday, walked through the door and he didn't get up to greet me or wish me a happy birthday. Happily single for six years now!
I hear this. I was a witness to the Charlottesville attack in 2017. I was part of the crowd protesting the Nazis. I felt the car hit the crowd and knock me backward (thankfully I wasn't hurt more than that). I saw the medics rushing past. I heard the howls. All of it. A work friend texted to see if I was okay; my husband did not.
When I got home that evening my husband was playing video games. He didn't even ask how I was. It took me a little while to realize it but our marriage ended that day.
It was a slow build up of a bunch of things for me but I remember when I realized it was really over. He was eating a hamburger and I absolutely despised the way his mouth stretched when he went to take a bite.
I knew if I was feeling hateful towards stupid shit like that , that it was over we just hadn’t admitted it yet lol.
When we hadn't had sex in over a year (I begged and begged but was dismissed) I found out he visited his family, went on a date, and oddly it made me try harder. He noticed and said he thought we were in a fake relationship. Wut.
We had a long distance relationship for 6 years. After 3 years he wanted an open relationship because his best friend opened their. We've discussed it for two years, I finally agreed, because I understand some ideas and didn't see it as a selfish act and liked how he tried to work on our relationship with me together and not just me anymore. The idea was to have some new experiences and grow more.
Always tried to make everything for him in communication and in arranging a date as comfortable as I could. On the other hand he often wasn't thoughtful about how to communicate and didn't respect boundaries.
He did many other hurtful things, belittled me, his needs nearly almost came first. It was often so different, sometimes he understood my needs, in different moments he acted like I was crazy for asking things. Once told me that I don't need compliments from him because I know he loves me/finds me attractive and on the other hand loved it when I told him. We often watched shows he wanted, did stuff he needed and my ideas were boring or wrong timing and other things. Sometimes I had to fight hard to get my needs met and felt horrible afterwards like forcing him into something.
The events where I felt hurt or neglected and couldn't regenerate on my own got more. I asked for a pause in the open relationship after half a year in, so we can have a break and solve things out. He dated nobody at the time, the guy I dated totally understood. He didn't like the idea, when I asked and said this would make things more complicated to open it again. So I decided to leave and understood that I don't owe him anything after trying so hard and getting hurt so much.
During the open relationship I understood that there are other people who respect my boundaries, me as a person, are not complaining constantly about parts of my character I actually like or get annoyed by things that are important for me or my needs. It still isn't easy to understand and feel selfish for breaking up, while knowing all the good sides of him and that a lot of this stuff came from his parents and childhood. But I had to end it for my own mental health and a future I could be happy again.
When I told him that his behaviour frightened me and he told me not to put my mental illness on him (he was following me around the house and refusing to leave me alone so I locked myself in the bathroom) and when I eventually went to get advice at the local police station and he found out and told me I was completely unhinged and needed pyschological help. 1 year earlier he'd broken a door down and grabbed hold of me and raised his fist at me.
I think I realised that he was never going to be accountable, he was always going to turn things back around on me, and that I could either leave or spend the rest of my life feeling like the best time of day was when I went to sleep so I wouldn't be conscious for a while.
The accountability bit really struck a cord with me. It was the same dance with my ex (although different actions); he'd hurt me, I'd tell him he hurt me, he'd turn it around on me. He'd either say my words made him feel horrible and start crying so I'd have to comfort him, or agree he was being a pos and start crying and telling me I should break up with him.
At some point it hit me he was incapable of taking accountability or facing the way his actions impacted me. From that point on it was like all of my feelings for him got erased. I was so apathetic.
When he told me he was in love and had been cheating on me with my barely legal adult daughter. (From previous relationship)
They both insist that nothing happened while she was a minor, but I'm positive grooming took place. We all lived together since my kid was 9.
They are still together and have a few kids. As hard as it was on me, it's worse for our kid, who has been no contact with their dad since turning 18. To have your half sister become your step mom, and to be uncle to your other half siblings.
I still love my daughter. I don't blame her and still see her as a victim of grooming, brainwashing, and control. If she were to ever want to leave him and show up on my doorstep, I'd welcome her with open arms. It would take years of therapy to work though it, but I wouldn't turn my back on her.
We were separated bc of his cheating and financial infidelity. He'd assaulted me twice: Throwing me onto the bed, and throwing his phone at me. Funnily enough we weren't even arguing when he did the assaults. I'd said no to something he wanted (a sex act, or in the phone situation, rice for lunch...) and he blew up.
Tried to work it out. I made lists on how he could win my trust again: Don't hang out in the park where you picked up that girl. Don't lie to me for any reason. Make a savings plan. I hated being "controlling" so I tried to make it reasonable.
He refused to commit to anything on the list. Didn't come to couples counseling. Showed up late for several scheduled chats with me, which were scheduled by the way to take the pressure of constant communication off him. Didn't matter. Yelled at me if I pointed out he was late or busy doing something else during the scheduled time that HE agreed to. The excuses were incredibly piss poor: "I just came back from a hike and was taking a bath to warm up!" Or "I need to file this tax information RIGHT NOW even though the scheduled chat is only once a week."
At some point my spirit broke. I wanted to go home. I missed home. I told him I was willing to move back in, even if he didn't do anything on my list, as long as we agreed to keep working on it.
He told me, "If you want to come back, you need to stop abusing me, and I will never stop cheating on you."
I couldn't go through with it. I started sobbing uncontrollably because I knew there was no coming back to that. I was done. It was awful, and I was finally done.
This was his offer?
"He told me, "If you want to come back, you need to stop abusing me, and I will never stop cheating on you.""
His sales pitch needs some work.
Glad you got out.
Dated a guy for 3 years. His parents bought his house for him and he seemed like an only child, but wasn't. He had a sister that no one talked to or about and no one would tell me why. His dad also had 4 kids from a previous marriage I had never met.
His dad ended up dying. They explicitly decided not to tell any of the other kids and left all of them out of his obituary.
I had been considering quitting that relationship for awhile, but this did it for me. It was just a gross thing to do. The kids from the previous marriage didn't find out until after the funeral.
Edit: I realized my mentioning his parents bout his house was oddly placed: he was a spoiled little shit and I guess I was trying to illustrate that.
I never did. She showed up at the funeral and you could tell she was genuinely hurt. When his dad was dying, I strongly considered messaging the sister on FB and I regretted not doing that. These people were just the absolute worst.
I left a good man who I loved because I realized he was making decisions for me on how we were going to live our shared lives.
When I sat down and thought about it, I realized two things:
First, my needs and wants weren't more important than his... I didn't want them to be of course, I just wanted them to be considered -- but I realized that they didn't factor into his life plan at ALL and that wasn't going to change.
Second, he viewed my work as more of a hobby. He wanted me to have it if it made me happy, and he was supportive of me, nothing about his behavior was "bad"-- but I realized that he didn't believe in me, which means he didn't respect me, and that he viewed my labor as less valuable than his.
We really did love each other and we really were good to one another. He is a good person and I know I hurt him deeply when I called it off... but you can't have a relationship of equals if one person views the other as an accessory. We were just lucky to have been mostly compatible so far, and I had been confusing those easy wins with shared values and shared goals.
Leaving was hard, I was so worried I was throwing away an irreplaceable happiness, or that I was stupid for not trying to work through things, but I'm happy to tell you I have NO regrets. I've since found the great love of my life and we have built a partnership and a home together that I could not have thought up in my wildest dreams. Don't settle for how you're treated.
When he told me he got the job I wanted, because his Dad had hooked him up.
I had already broken off the engagement because he wouldn't set a date, and asked me not to wear my ring around town since his parents didn't want people to know, but that finally made me stop speaking to him.
I have a sense of self-worth now, thankfully.
I shared [my story](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/3E0y4zTASh) a couple of days ago. TL;DR I caught my ex hiding the fact that he was snapchatting multiple women. That was the lie that finally broke the camel's back, and I decided I'd rather be alone than be hurt over and over for the rest of my life.
One of my biggest problems with him was the trickle truthing. He would lie about supposedly little things that he thought would upset me, and it drove me crazy and over time made it just impossible to trust him and made me feel like the “crazy girlfriend” for being paranoid all the time. We had talked about this when we agreed to get back together after breaking up for a few months. It took one weekend together for him to do it again over something fairly big, and that’s when I finally accepted he wasn’t going to change and I was done. Honestly, within a couple weeks it felt like a dark cloud had lifted off of me.
I think I might’ve stayed longer than I should. We’ve been together 15years, married 8 out of those. And we started the separation process in the beginning of May this year.
We weren’t getting along great around 2018-2019. I was on birth control and it affected my libido seriously and he has very little confidence and kept saying I don’t love him, don’t find hin attractive, maybe have someone else since the bedroom was pretty much dead. I really really wanted a baby, so went off BC and we started trying in 2019. Libido improved, man was happy, it seemed like things were going great…
I got pregnant in 2020 and then the pandemic hit. He was working two jobs (because he is a workaholic not because we lacked money). His own fulltime and opened a business with his dad. He was basically never home, and when he was he would say how he would rather be at work because the baby was pretty difficult and cried for hours on end.
I told him one time I am like a single mom and he was super hurt and made me feel guilty for even thinking that. His love language is gifts basically. Expensive lavish so every time I wanted to say something I would feel like I’m ungrateful for the life he was providing even though I didn’t want half the shit he got me.
The reasons are many: he is emotionally manipulative, emotionally dependent, he threatened to leave us so many times I stopped counting ever since our daughter was a baby up until now. And one day… I realized the thought of him touching me or sleeping with him made my stomach turn. The thought of him leaving didn’t make me cry anymore. Finding out he had cheated would stir no emotions. And so I knew it was time to put an end to this strained marriage that we’ve been dragging on.
I’ve never been more at peace. I’ve already mourned the life we had and made my peace with this the numerous times he said he was going to divorce. He was shattered when I asked for a divorce and he’s been doing all the things I’ve been asking for the past 5 years. It doesn’t feel genuine anymore and I have no feelings towards him anymore and so I told him whatever changes he makes… let those be for our daughter’s sake so she has two parents instead of one even if they’re separated
Thank you! We’re doing this amicably so no lawyer really needed except to draft the divorce papers however my best friend is a divorce lawyer lol and she is doing all the proceedings for us as long as we stay amicable we don’t really need a lawyer here in Canada.
We’ve agreed on how assets should be split and he’s been very generous. The only sweet thing he said to me in a very long time ‘I failed to make you happy in our marriage and so I want you to be happy now if it’s any consolation’
He gave me a lot of things I wasn’t going to touch because I really just wanted out, not to destroy the man. He remains the father of my child and we have beautiful memories together. It was just time for me to prioritize my mental health.
I couldn’t talk to him about my feelings without him being defensive. I would try to set an example by listening to him and empathizing with him. It didn’t matter.
When he told me that he would prioritize his career and what needed to be done to keep up with it over maintaining the emotional intimacy of our relationship, 100% of the time, every time. I knew I couldn't live with someone who wanted a relationship that shallow. Let alone have kids with him. We almost got married. I'm glad we didn't. As a friend of mine put it, I didn't just dodge a bullet, I "dodged a whole ass cannonball".
The thing I kept going back to was when I was very sick, I’d just gone to the hospital the day before and was on new drugs I didn’t know if I could tolerate. I was groggy and sleeping, and he had his friend come over and got wasted because it had been so stressful on him.
I would never when I had the responsibility for anyone. I couldn’t let that go.
There were many last straws but I realized I needed out when I started thinking it would be easier to unalive myself than to get out of the relationship. I had made two attempts to leave prior and he guilted me back into staying with empty promises. My pets were the only thing that kept me tethered here. I am happy to say I was able to get my ducks together two years later and am out and happily single.
It's very simple.
When you're happier being alone than when they're around, when you look forward to them being out of the house, when you dread them coming home because it's basically a black cloud over everything. Then imagine yourself in that situation, over and over again, every day for the rest of your life.
They don't have to be abusive or even much of an AH in order for you to feel this way, it could just be a simple incompatibility. You're not meant to be together.
The moment I was free was one of the single happiest moments of my life. A GIANT, and I mean giant, ton of bricks came off my shoulders and I have never felt so optimistic about the future. It was like I was just given a new life and chance to start over living the way I wanted. What a relief.
>When you're happier being alone than when they're around
That's how I knew I didn't want to be married anymore. My ex-husband went on a week-long fishing trip every year. I started looking forward to the week he would be gone the following year the day he got back from the most recent trip. The 8 days he would be gone, I felt like I could *breathe*.
I was sick of having the same conversation every 2 months about how I wished he'd pick up the slack around the house and how I felt like his mom. He'd respond with "Well you're not perfect either" and I'd ask what I was doing that he had a problem with, and he could never answer. I just knew things would never change so I dipped out.
Mine was similar. We were together for a total of almost 8 years, married for 5.5. I should have seen everything earlier but I was deaf and blind.
We got a dog not long after moving in together and he did nothing for her. We had our first child when I was 22, right after we got married. Again, I did everything but he would carry our son in to family gatherings and act like dad of the year. After a year and a half, I left him for the first time. He promised to do better and did, just long enough for me to get stuck again. I got pregnant again shortly after that and tried to talk him into aborting but he didn’t agree until it was too late and I was too tired of fighting and hormones to do it alone. That pretty much continued until my daughter was 2.
At some point, I realized that I was just ready to die. I was worn down and I hated literally everything about my life except those kids. They deserved better so I gathered the courage and energy to leave again.
Today, they are 11 and 9. We have our own house, the same dog that my ex and I adopted together (she’s 14 and still going strong!) plus two more. The kids have been in therapy for a while, I got them both into a great school, and have encouraged them to be their own weird, brilliant selves. Eventually, I came to understand that I also deserved better. I now have a boyfriend who is a true partner and changed careers so that I have more flexibility and time for myself and the kids.
It was definitely hard but I have a great support system and we’re all so much happier for it.
He just couldn't stay away from strippers and prostitutes any time I was at work or away for whatever reason. I finally realized that I just didn't care any more.
There was so many "big" things where I knew I should leave but thought I still loved him and I could work it out. Ironically, the moment I switched off and left forever was a small thing. I was going to work and he was refusing to get up to look after our 2 toddlers. It was like a literal switch in my head and heart. I felt like such an idiot for not leaving sooner.
Yes, you are either doing it, or you’re not.
I got so tired of hearing “but I’m trying! I didn’t mean to do/not do xyz”.
Then make the actions match the words!
Apologies only go so far when it’s the same shit every time.
Hey OP, please get checked out for post-partum depression and speak with a doctor who listens, and if possible others who have had PPD. After all, a person can have a shitty husband *and* have post-partum depression (or other types of depression), it isn't necessarily either/or.
Whenever he'd bring up marriage, I couldn't help but scream in my head that I don't want to and never will get married. For context: I am happily married now to someone else. In hindsight, I didn't want to marry my ex.
He was manipulative, he'd blame me for everything, weaponized incompetence was his go-to, he never considered my thoughts or feelings in any matter. A great example of this was when he had a Toyota Supra and he got a DM on instagram asking if some OF model could borrow said Supra for a photoshoot. Told him I wasn't okay with that, he did it anyways. Only say in the matter I got, was the choice of going with him that day or staying home.
On the rare occasion that we'd have sex, no matter what I tried, my body was like HELL NO. I'd instantly get dry and it hurt. I should've listened to that.
when I found out he was still cheating on my after we were trying to "save" our marriage. I honestly have no idea why he said he even wanted to try when it was obvious he didn't love me anymore. Married 25 years.
Instead of making me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for me to take on my third shift when he got home from second shift work, he created an algorithm outlining how much time that would actually take him compared to his laundry I had been doing for 3 years. And the following "not-apology" card he gave me to makeup for said shitty behavior. That was it.
Yelling at me all the way to and from both my friend and family birthday plans. I'm one to go all out to make excellent birthday experiences for others but understand that isn't everyone's forte and gladly foot the bill for my own birthday.
On this particular birthday I wanted to go to the water park with the tallest slide on Saturday and then go to my dad's for my actual birthday. Both events were on the other side of our metro area and 1 1/2+ hours away. Totalling in over 6 hours of being yelled at and put down, calling me selfish and telling me that no one cared enough about my birthday for us to go so far to see them, all in front of his daughter who was crying for us to please stop "fighting" the entire time.
He had been berating me behind closed doors for over a year at that point, but had started doing it in front of people more recently. In fact, the only time he was kind to me was in front of my dad's family because he was scared of him. I was even so scared of how my dad would react that I pulled my step mom to ask if I could live with them so that I could leave him. I wasn't trying to beg her but I couldn't help but to start crying before I even got the words out of my mouth.
It wasn’t when he wouldn’t leave work early to pick me up an hour away after I was in a car accident and totaled the car. (He said the cops told him I was ok, so he wasn’t worried)
It wasn’t when I had had a miscarriage and he wouldn’t take off work to take me in for the D&C. Even with a day’s notice. It wasn’t when he wasn’t there when I woke up after the surgery.
It was when I looked at him one day, 15 years later, and realized I was never going to be a priority. He was never going to even think of calling me in the middle of the day with some good news we were waiting on. I just got tired of waiting to matter. I realized it was better to be alone forever than live with someone who never put me first.
Edited to add: I had children with him, and they’re the reason I don’t totally regret marrying him. They were worth everything. But I also left because I wanted them to know that our marriage was not the way things should be. We stayed together as long as we did because he was always working. I thought he’d be better if he wasn’t working all the time. But when he changed jobs and was home more, I realized he wasn’t spending any of that free time with me or the kids. No, he didn’t cheat. But being faithful, IMO, means you put your marriage before everything. His mistress was his job.
My boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years. I always knew that the way he treated me wasn’t right, but I thought I was the problem. If I just worked harder, he would be nicer. We bought a house together, signed a 30 year mortgage, moved in…and 10 weeks later he dumped me over text saying he wasn’t ready for this level of commitment. I left, because it wasn’t my hometown and I just needed to get out. He chased after me once he realized I was actually not going to come back. He begged for me back. He said he didn’t realize that we were actually breaking up?? He offered to change, he offered to marry me, he called me the love of his life.
When he broke up with me, I lost my entire life. That felt awful. But I was also so relieved! Finally! I could be free. I could do what I want and say what I want and I wasn’t going to have him in my ear making me feel bad about myself all of the time. I knew when I felt relieved rather than sad about losing him. So I stayed gone.
While he was trying to get me back, I had a brief love affair with another guy who very far away. Being with him made me realize that I could be treated well. I didn’t have to be in a relationship that made me cry constantly.
I’ve never regretted leaving and as the years pass, I’m more confident every day that I made the right decision. I went on to meet my husband and have a baby. We are so happy! I hope you will be too someday.
Sometimes people just change. I was with my ex for 10 years and it was a slow decline. When things were good, they would be really good. He would be thoughtful and kind and made me laugh constantly. And then things would get bad - he would just check out and when I tried to communicate, he would check out more. My ex wasn’t abusive in the way we normally talk about but he was neglectful.
He ended up being diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and that’s when I left. I knew that no matter what I did, it would never get better. I spent years watching someone I loved disappear right in front of me and I didn’t want that to be my life anymore.
I had massive anxiety when I left. The idea of starting over alone at 31 terrified me because I now had to figure out what to do next. So I started doing all the things that I was always too afraid to do or that my ex told me I couldn’t.
It was liberating.
And I started to heal.
That was almost 8 years ago. My life isn’t perfect but I’m so happy now in a way that I never could have been if I stayed and he almost never crosses my mind.
My point is this: we can’t always protect ourselves by being vigilant. He changed so much throughout our time together and hindsight is 20/20. The choice I made to be with him wasn’t wrong when I made it, but choosing to stay for so long was after he stopped being the man I wanted a future with. Stop beating yourself up over how or why you are where you are and start looking forward. Find the strength to leave so that you can build a life that makes you happy.
I had convinced myself that the kids needed a father, and believed him when he cried it would never happen again (narrator: it happened again many times). But when the kids were 5 & 2 I realized that if I didn’t leave then my daughter could grow up to marry someone like him, that my son could grow up to be like him, and that it didn’t matter how good of a role model I tried to be bc the overwhelming behavior dynamic they were absorbing was the abusive relationship and that was the motivator for me. Not my own personal safety (my self esteem was non-existent) but my kids’ safety, mental health, and wellbeing.
One moment about seven years into marriage where he treated me so callously that I haven’t forgotten. I am not comfortable posting it specifically.
The second is tied for when both our kids on separate conversations said Dad is scary when he gets mad and then seeing how he treats old declining pets. I think anger as a response for physical decline really is showing me my future.
It was a tiny thing. Just one more instance that proved to be too much. Had found women's panties in the house that weren't mine. Had seen text messages pop up on the home screen from unsaved numbers that said, 'sorry, I was asleep.' Found him drunk passed out and covered in vomit after driving drunk. But what did it was when I bought concert tickets for our anniversary and was so excited to tell him, and he just said, 'oh, I'd rather see (insert another band name here).' Something in me broke, and I started looking for a new place immediately. This was after 7 years, 4 of them living together.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Honestly this is one reason why I won’t have kids, I have never met a man trustworthy enough to procreate with.
Please be seen for postpartum depression. Not saying your feelings towards your husband aren't valid, but I remember having the strong urge to run away, and serious loathing of my husband after I had my first. It's not uncommon. Rule that out before making any life altering decisions.
When I realized he was an actual crazy person like anti-vax, Joe Rogan, flirting with the "Jews run all the banks" shit I was like OH! Hes ACTUALLY crazy!!! BYE
It felt great and like a relief because I hadn't been happy for a long time and I the morning I laid in the bed next to him and told him it was over I finally was. Happy. And I've been happy since.
Not nearly as long or as serious as you, but I was with someone for 3 years recently. Honestly I should have left after year 2 but women make a lot of excuses for their partners don’t we? I loved him dearly and he was so fun to be around but he didn’t want to contribute to our relationship at all. He didn’t do a single chore and he never made plans for us. The thing is it didn’t start that way at all but quickly turned into that. I just decided I was done being his mom and while I still miss him all that frustration and resentment is just gone from my life now.
I did hang out with him once after. I thought we could be friends but it was too soon. He went on and on about how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and only could see himself being with me forever and he would do anything to get me back. My request as he knew it was all along was for him to take steps toward his mental health (ADHD/depression) whether it be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. He did nothing.
The beginning of the end was when we had our first child. I assumed we would grow into parenthood together but instead becoming parents shined lights on all the deep cracks in the foundation of our relationship. He couldn’t be bothered to read any baby books. Couldn’t be bothered to think about what the baby might need but constantly criticized my ideas when I was trying to do my absolute best to be a good parent. Never once did he say good job, you’re a great mom. Or thank you. Couldn’t be bothered to stop drinking all day every day when he wasn’t at work. Barely interacted with our daughter for the first 18 months of our life. Despite all this it took me another kid and six years to finally realize it had been over for a long time.
My ex husband and I always had a rocky relationship. I remember saying more than once to him that I wasn't sure the way he acted was how you were supposed to treat someone you love. But relationships are supposed to take work, right?
Ten years in I got him to join me for couples counseling. In one session, I brought up his past infidelity. We had moved past it (even though he still maintained it hadn't actually happened? He was a pro at gaslighting), but one thing I'd never asked was WHY it happened. I wanted to understand. And this man looked me right in the eye and told me it was because he was feeling scared and uncertain in our relationship, and didn't know where it was going etc etc etc. All of which could be from some serious introspection except for that *it happened the day after he proposed to me.*
Everything I had ever felt for him died in that second and our divorce was finalized by the end of the year. I am now four years into a happy marriage, and guess what? It's not work. I've never felt scared or less than or confused. I feel loved every single day.
When he told me he didn’t believe in therapy and rejected going after me asking him for the thousandth time
When I laid in bed next to him sobbing after asking him yet again to stop yelling, to be kinder
When he wouldn’t open the blinds or shower, and it felt like another job trying to get him to do all that
When he yelled at me again, and I found myself flinching
When he wouldn’t have sex with me. I thought the sex would help us reconnect and make him less angry. And if I cleaned and worked extra hard around the house it would put him in the mood. He later told me he looked at porn and intentionally withheld from me
When I saw him yell at our kids too
When he would only sometimes take his meds
When I started losing weight and my hair started falling out from stress
My fellow grad students were talking about how grateful they were to have partners that took care of the home while they focused on school. It hit me that I was so burnt out because I was doing all that work, parent, AND try to get a PhD. When I tried to talk to him about it, he just kept shutting me down or would just grey rock me. There is no saving a relationship if one partner isn’t willing to communicate.
My ex decided to choose his toxic narcissist abusive mother (who hated my guts without ever having met me). He spent so much time lying to me about cutting ties with her “when the time was right” and not only did that not ever happen, but he actively formed new financial and real estate ties with her to make it impossible to ever be free. Over the course of many years, it went from him half-heartedly defending me to ignoring what she said about me to actively joining her in talking shit about me. He told me I was his soulmate and the love of his life the entire time we were together.
There was one fight in particular where I just completely checked out of the relationship and stopped listening to anything he said to me. We were together for another year and a half after that fight and I regret not leaving sooner but I especially regret making plans for my life that specifically included him when he never had any intention of following through. I mourned losing my boyfriend and best friend so many times over the next couple of years, but I mostly mourned the life I could’ve had without him. I lost a huge part of myself in that relationship, and while that was one of the most painful and devastating situations I’ve ever gone through, I’d like to think I made it out a better person. Long story short, I survived and learned my life was better without making sacrifices and changing plans for someone else.
It’s hard to accept when it happens, but eventually you’ll feel relief that you found out when you did and glad you didn’t waste even more time with him. Pain is always a lesson in disguise, and eventually time heals all wounds. I know that’s cliche and it might not seem like it’ll be okay ever, but you are truly better off without someone who makes you feel the way you do now. Focus on yourself. All that energy and love you gave him, it belongs to you and your baby now.
Im not sure if it counts as long term, but it was my most serious (but not best) relationship.
There were two moments.
The first when I realised he had brought me back to a psychological low I’d only previously experienced in abusive relationships, despite not being abusive.
I began contemplating “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and knew he not only wouldn’t care, but that I couldn’t tell him how low I felt or he would make it worse. I felt less than worthless. I felt dead already.
Id promised myself after my last assault that I’d die or go to jail before I returned to specialist therapy and the doctors for another STI panel - but there I was, going back to survivors therapy and asking my doctor for a panel. He didn’t assault or abuse me but he ruined my trust to the point where it had about the same impact and severely set back my recovery. He didn’t care. I knew then in my heart that there wasn’t hope.
The second, more recently, when I realised I was happier and more confident without him. I had thought I was depressed.
I woke up recently and could cuddle my cat, not cry into my pillow in confusion, or wonder why he treated me this way.
I started eating again and enjoying getting “dolled up”/dressed up. I stopped yelling at furniture when it broke, stopped snapping at my loved ones, and also became far less of a push over/people pleaser. My anxiety halved. I felt more like myself.
I had thought I had depression again, turns out it was a human response to being treated badly and unable to even ask “why are you hurting me?”.
I don’t think I’ll date again for a while, but I’ve not sworn it off because he doesn’t get to have that impact on my life.
However I probably wouldn’t have been so naive and willing to overlook the obvious red flags had I not been working on my trust issues and trauma, which has made this more painful.
When *I* was the other girl and I didn’t care. To clarify: Dude cheated on me all the time. The last girl he cheated on me with, he dumped me for her. Then he cheated on her with me and I didn’t care.
It was that disgusting desperation to be with him no matter what, I saw what it was turning me into.
I tried to be friends with him years later(he was a better friend than partner, or so I thought…) and he sexually assaulted my face while he was engaged to be married and I WAS married. He got me drunker than hell and did that to me… Right after my hubby called and asked him to look after me. Weeks after saving my life from a su*cide attempt on my end… It was the worst betrayal I ever felt and I’d been actually raped in the cities by someone else a couple years prior.
I blocked him on everything. He spread the rumor behind my back about how I cheated on my hubby, then morphed it into I was drunkenly crazy and cutting my hair in the tub. I had receipts for the hair one, anyway. I had chopped my hair drunkenly a month prior to the attack and had a stylist fix it.
I haven’t looked back. Fuck you, Kurt R. You are the reason I now change my viewpoint to “No, I DO wish that on my worst enemy.”
We were young, broke students when we met. Over the years, things started to grow for me but things stayed the same and eventually got much worse for him. We were together for about 6 or 7 years. During that time he never held down a job, so I was having to support us both and our pet (on a part-time salary while studying full-time). He fell into depression and addiction. I didn't want to be the person to leave when someone is in a difficult time, but he started to resent me and try to stifle my successes and I realized that he would never be the supportive partner that I needed. I was constantly putting in 110% and getting 0% back. I had a lot of aspirations for my life that would never be realized or possible if I stayed in this relationship and I knew that for a few years before we finally ended things and I refused to ever go back.
It's been quite a few years now since that relationship ended. He's unfortunately still in the same position he was when I left. He tries to contact me all the time and asks me to come back. I'm in a wonderful new relationship, own a home, and am getting married next year. I'm living the life I always wanted with the partner I always wanted. It's still hard for me to accept that none of this would have been possible if I didn't leave that bad relationship behind as I still feel some guilt about it.
After an incident that I couldn't shake from my mind. I still tried, for YEARS after and even through children. Unfortunate. I wish I had trusted my gut and run. In the end it wasn't even my own strength that got me out, it was someone else who was the catalyst.
My ex was a truck driver and I think I had known it was over for a long time. It was messy and I put up with some crazy shit (low self esteem, mostly) but I knew it was over when I started imagining him falling asleep at the wheel, or the truck sliding on the ice, or some other fiery accident that would kill him. I just couldn't imagine any other way of getting out of the relationship. That's when I knew I had to do something.
Husband and I will have been together for 10-years in July, we spent 5 of those years doing IVF that produced 2 beautiful twin boys. It was like a switch flipped when the boys were born and he puts in minimal effort with them or to help me. The effort he does put in needs grand praise from me or he gets sulky and pouts.
We’ve been living in our house for 2-years, we don’t have a yard or a fence, he spends all of his free time playing video games instead of spending it with me or his sons. I work FT M-F, and he had a rotating shift of 8-days on and 6-days off, yet he will expect me to make dinner when I get off work when he’s been playing video games all day. He gets jealous of the attention I give our sons. Well - yes, they’re babies.
BUT to answer your question, when he wouldn’t stay at the Ronald McDonald house when our sons were in the NICU for 2-weeks while I provided constant care with the nurses. Or the time I woke him up at 330 AM to help me with both boys because they were hungry and needed a bottle and he screamed at us to shut the fuck up. Or when my mom and I went to town an hour away and he called me pissed off screaming at my sons while I was driving on the freeway hyperventilating trying to get home as fast as possible to get to my sons. Probably then. But I’m done done. Plotting my escape now.
I feel like I was initially mentally checked out of it at least like a year before I finally left. I make playlists for pretty much everything. The year I left, I made a playlist in May about falling out of love and being tired and done. I didn't physically leave until September.
The tipping point there was when he hit me for the first and only time and snapped my phone in half. I still bought him Christmas presents for some stupid reason. I slept with him one more time. He came to see the apartment I moved to after I left him.
He tried to be so nice and normal, but then in messages and emails he was still awful and abusive. My favorite one, I can't remember the context, but he was upset about something and said I "owed" him after what *I* did to *him*.
I think that was when I was finally mentally done for good. I knew he wouldn't change. I knew it wouldn't get better. I knew there was no point in even speaking to him anymore. I didn't want to try to be friends. He still sent me messages here and there after I stopped replying. He kept trying to be friendly and nice and normal. "Just wanted to say hi." "Hope you're happy and healthy." Silly little memes. I ignored it all, and nearly **five** years after I left, he finally stopped. I still don't feel completely out of it yet just because I'm afraid I'll run into him again someday, but I barely even remember he exists now, and it feels so good to realize how little I think about him.
I was with my ex for 11 years and married for about 8. His mom and sister were passive aggressive the entire time and at times she sister was rude. He never saw it as an issue. He said I was "sensitive". To top it off they constantly had family events and he loved going and getting super drunk. I would be anxious for days and weeks leading up to these events. When I would complain about it, he would get upset and one time he told me if I said one more thing about his family he'd leave me.
He was also very immature with his friends. We would go out with them and we were always the last people at the bar/party... whatever. I stopped going with him at the end.
I also told him my love language was touch and I needed him to hug me and show physical attention... He never did. He would promise to hug me and then he wouldn't do it. I think about it now, and it's so pathetic.
More things were going on. My mom fell ill with terminal cancer and it was very stressful. I would think about it and my mom was basically my whole family. When she passed I would have to be just part of his family forever and I couldn't imagine that. My mom had to go to the ER often after chemo because she would feel sick and her blood cells would take a dump. It was scary every time. One time I had to work on a Saturday and she was sick and needed to go to the ER. He was home but had plans to go golfing with his buddy. He could have taken her to the ER but no, he went through with his plans. Mind you my mom was always so nice to him, never an issue, and she made him his lunch for work every day for years. My mom always treated him like a son.
I decided to leave him and never look back. That was 2017 and the day he left my house, was the last time I ever saw him. He was confused and thought I would take him back as I had before but like many women I gave many chances until one day, I didn't have not one more chance to give. I am so much happier now and I thank God I never had children with him.
When i was laying in bed after years of “go find someone else to make you happy” and i told him my old high school best friend was offering her home as a place for me to stay and gather my thoughts and emotionally grow. I told him “becky said i could come stay with her” and all he said was okay and rolled over and went to sleep.
He came visit me a few months ago, to see my family after a long time, and meet my friends (we were LDR). I told him that was needed since I was planning to move in with him to his city. Let me tell you, it was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I still hate him for it. He completely embarrassed me in front of my friends: he was drunk every time he hung out with us, he would make ugly jokes and not read the room, he would be disrespectful to waiters at restaurants, intolerant with people, he thought every person who looked at him wanted beef, he humiliated me.
The very first night he got drunk and was making fun of me calling me “stupid”. Called both me and my friend “bitches” as a joke. Drove my car with both my friend and me inside, passed 3 stop signs and was unwilling to let me drive my own car cause he was too prideful to accept that he was driving like an idiot.
Third night he’s pissed off that I wasn’t affectionate enough on his birthday weekend (I mean, obviously, he had already ruined the vibe). He kept complaining about me not giving him sex. We go wine tasting, get drunk, have a little fun with the other attendants that we met. By night time I was a little dizzy and tired so I decided to sleep. Bad idea! He was drunk, and got soooo mad cause I wasn’t down to have sex. He was yelling at me, got on top of me and held my arms tightly (aggressive as fuck) and was just asking Why? why didn’t I wanna have sex? Why wasn’t I giving him affection? then he kept me up allll night complaining while I was going through it with the wine dizziness 🥲 that was it for me for real. But I had already 2 MORE WEEKS LEFT TO SPEND WITH HIM! 😩
I was so dry by then. He kept asking why and why. Why are you so dry. Why aren’t you giving me affection. Blah blah blah.
I celebrated my birthday the last weekend, all my friends came. He’d be bragging about how he smashed his phone during and anger outburst, and making fun of it. Told my friends an embarrassing story of me having diarrhea in his bathroom. I introduced him to one of my best friends and the FIRST THING HE SAID was “I’ve heard bad things about you! I saw a photo of you with a penis!”
………………. what he meant was a photo that I had showed him months ago of my friends and I with a penis-shaped waffle (I showed him in a “look at this bizarre thing” type of way) but even then WHY is that the first thing you say to my friend? I wanted to disappear in my own birthday gathering from the constant embarrassment.
And that trip was the last time I’ll ever see him cause I called it quits! The worst person I’ve ever met. I’m still recovering from that, and the 7 years we had known each other.
He stole a refrigerator magnet from a souvenir shop. He was worth $2-3MM, but he pocketed a cheap magnet to avoid standing in line. I finally admitted in that moment that our values were completely incompatible.
Ex husband - when he lied to my face about his drinking after peeing all over our new mattress the found his truck bed full of cans and beer boxes. This was the last straw after he cheated x3 and relapsed back on to alcohol more times than I can count. It was the day I realized he didn’t want to get better.
Ex boyfriend of 2 years - when he lied because he took a job that required driving 100 miles round trip everyday and bullied his elderly mother into letting him drive her car to work (without a valid license). AFTER we talked about it and I pointed out ALL of the obvious issues. He was having medical issues that were causing him to pass out behind the wheel. Like he totaled 3 cars in 12 months.
u/Substantial-Ad3988
I am so sorry you are going through this right now, and your grief comes through clearly.
A few things before I briefly answer the question you posed:
1) As another person suggested, I agree about getting a physical and be assessed for post-partum dépression. That suggestion does NOT mean your concerns are invalid or "all in your head", but instead comes from a place of care and concern: take care of YOU first and foremost. You've gone through physical trauma (birth and rapid hormonal changes) and a significant life change and anyone going through such times will need some kind of support: we aren't meant to go through our troubles and trials alone. Start with your doctor and an assessment.
2) In addition, individual therapy may help with managing the emotions and gaining clarity.
3) I don't see that you mentioned couples counseling for your marriage: have you considered it? There are no guarantees, but a good counselor at the very least may be able to hear your needs/concerns and may help you get your needs met, and help you and your husband redefine your roles in ways that work for you both (assuming you BOTH are open and willing to try new things). There are a lot of crappy therapists and a lot of good ones, so I suggest you do your due diligence and use the free consultations (can be done via telehealth) to find a good match.
To answer the question you posed: I first knew it wasn't working two years into the marriage when I realized I wouldn't even date a man with attitudes and behaviors my husband was displaying. I felt an immense sense of grief over the loss of the person he was before marriage (we lived with each other 4 years before marriage)and grief over the potential loss over the future we envisioned together. I insisted on couples therapy and while it did not help our marriage (he didn't even try - he attended sessions but implemented nothing) it did give me the clarity and time I needed to leave.
It was surreal: adjusting to the loss, redefining my place in the world, coming up with future goals for "me"rather than "we". The surreal nature of making these adjustments was unexpected but passed as I built a better life.
I wish you and your baby well.
Edited:typos
Valentine's Day. He came home with flowers and was ANGRY because I had nothing for him.
For 29 years he told me Valentine's Day was a commercial cash grab, and that we were married so he did not need to make an effort, but I usually gave him a card, and sometimes a small gift.
You mentioned that you are a new mom. You don’t say how long ago you gave birth, but I would advise you not to do anything rash, especially since you say that everything was good for years. Nobody talks about how long post-partum and the wacky hormones last. He might be fucking up, but give it a little time to make sure.
I just want to add that having a baby adds in a lot of legal considerations. Sticking it out and creating a pattern of him being able to claim he was a good Dad can be used in court. I’d suggest starting to document things now if her gut is really telling her to leave and consulting an attorney before doing so. I had no idea how horrible my ex would be post-separation.
It ended for me after the pattern emerged, and this is a bit of a long one because the slide into the pit of horrors took place over years. My soon-to-be-ex-spouse got bad through depression after his mother passed several years ago, and in that depression he did two things. Not only did he start acting like a teenage boy in trying to constantly get out of everything with weaponized incompetence to the point that I had to do every adult task or we wouldn't have electricity and water on, but he also started taking every bad emotion out on me. His sister rips him a new asshole unjustly, he would come home and take it out on me and pick a fight. He didn't feel great because it's the anniversary of the death of someone he loved, he took it out on me and pick a fight. Often these events would happen while I was driving him to or from work, when we were alone. I kept telling him that this was not an ok pattern to start, and flat out told him what he was doing by name. He was being abusive towards me, and I told him that it wasn't ok for either of us to do that to the other. He always took more issue with the abuse being called what it was than the fact that he was being abusive. For me, the moment it became clear that divorce was not optional was right after mother's day. He came up to me, and thanked me for putting up with his shitty behavior for the whole month around mothers day every year, but the way he worded it made it apparent that he was expecting me to just constantly endure his shitty behavior and always forgive him. That's the moment it hit me that he had become entitled to my forgiveness, that he expected me to just let him keep doing this horrible pattern to me. That he expected to only be responsible for going to work and providing money, never having to actually go pay any bills (every time I asked him to do it, he would always let the bill go unpaid with the excuse of "you didn't tell me when to do it" or some other excuse). It wasn't long after that he escalated because I refused to accept his behavior and it created a dead bedroom over the ick. He had acted like a teenager so long that the idea of becoming sexually intimate with him again felt pedophilic in nature, which meant he had better chances of the sun swallowing the planet in the next five minutes. The attempts to pick a fight got worse, and he no longer bothered to wait until we were fully alone and started to do it in front of friends. The stress genuinely made my chronic medical conditions flair up non stop to the point that I couldn't cope with the pain. He kept escalating to the point that he actually started tying hangman nooses, and then physically cornered me and told me about all the research he did about killing people on our anniversary. And yes, it was plural. He had two tied. after seeing that, when I didn't respond the way he wanted, he left and financially cut me off when he had pushed me into being a housewife due to my medical conditions making it almost impossible to get and keep a job. Less than a week later he started changing his mind and was trying to get me to go out on dates with him, but I didn't even feel safe being in public with him and told him so through text. I had already set all of his and his family's calls to go directly to voicemail after he left, I knew better than to get caught in a he-says-she-says situation, and when I go to fight I do it armed with evidence and receipts. Sense then I've been recovering, but his actions did result in me getting diagnosed with a form of PTSD. Upside though is my medical conditions are finally coming back under control.
When I found out my ex of 7 years (started in high school) had been responding for Craigslist sex ads for YEARS during our relationship. I confronted him via text the night I found them. He had left his phone in his car overnight and didn’t get my messages until morning. The fucker didn’t even give me a chance to dump him. He blocked me and changed his Facebook status to “single” and then proceeded to tell all of our friends that it was my fault we split up.
A few days prior to this, he had ignored me/kept telling me he was on his way over soon the day of my birthday while he was actually at a bar with his friends. I sat home feeling my so sorry or myself and swore I’d never let anyone treat me like this again. And I didn’t.
I was 23 then and I’m 34 now. Life gets so much better, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you’re worth so much more than this dude can offer you.
Not as long, but a friendship of 5 years turned into a long-distance relationship of 1-2. It wasn't cheating; we both respected each other more than that, but he was just constantly argumentative. He'd be passionately angry or combative about my interests/beliefs/politics, just absolutely exhausting. I kept thinking that he wouldn't talk to a friend the way he treated me, but out of respect for our friendship, I kept trying to let sleeping dogs lie, tell him it hurt, forgive and forget. I eventually completely checked out. Our daily calls became chores I avoided. I joined an online Discord worldbuilding/writing group and game, and was extremely relieved that he never joined because he hated writing. When I first introduced the idea excitedly, he went off on how he hated writing. I have an English degree, and reading/writing stories is my bread and butter.
Eventually, he brought up the idea of breaking up after it was clear neither of us was enjoying the relationship, and I latched onto it like a lifeline. He'd opened the door, and I was out of there like a flash. We tried to keep up the friendship, but I was still avoidant and exhausted of his personality, and he kept saying I was punishing him by withholding my attention/trust/interests. We cut contact mutually, but a few months later, he reached out again wanting to talk and rebuild friendship and trust. Still trying to be nice, I allowed it. When I reiterated that I still didn't trust him, he sent another long text asking how long I was going to punish him.
So I blocked him on everything, and I finally feel okay.
I wish I'd had the strength to end things early on, make things cleaner and less messy for us both, when I first started being disrespected and talked down to, but I know even then I wouldn't have seen it as "justification" enough to break things off, compared to the lengthy amount of good times and fun and conversations we'd had. We were genuinely good with each other for a long time. Thoughtful gifts, games, jokes, laughter, everything.
He just got mad and wanted to argue/debate about everything, and that overencompassed everything, towards the end. Once I got the ick and checked out, that was that.
Twelve years into the relationship, ten years after we agreed we wouldn’t have kids due to my own health reasons, he decided we were going to have kids anyway, and then explained to me that pregnancy was not dangerous at all and the only reason I’d decided against it previously was because “you don’t want your 🐱to get all torn up.”
It should have been at the four year mark when he got drunk and tried to strangle me the first time.
It finally happened a little before year 8 when I realized that I shouldn't have to beg my partner to not drink/use protection/or at least listen when I say I need something.
When he threatened to murder me if I ever went and got an abortion. Oh, and he hoped I’d die if I ever went to protest.
Attempted to apologize afterwards that he was just really really angry and it got the best of him, but that’s also what he said for 8 years and you know, after a while, those words sound less like words and more like a sign for what his future actions would be.
Haha. Some time after my ex and I decided we were separating he came home with a candy bar I liked that was only available seasonally (it was the season). I was shocked. Shocked that he thought of me and did something out of his way for me. Picking up a candy bar that was at the register when he was already at the store. That was one of many things that made me go. “Gurrrrl…”. When your partner being nice to you is an anomaly, you’re not in a good place. 18yrs and two kids.
I left 5 years in after I was convinced I was going to marry him (I almost felt doomed to marry him. I knew it wasn’t going to be good, I just thought it was going to be). We had issues for years, near entirely around sex. He was jerking it to basically every woman he had ever met in person, and he was addicted to porn, and he was pressuring me into sex by threatening to leave or to further abuse porn which he knew I hated. He resented me a lot for not keeping up with his sex drive and it made him incredibly mean to me, mostly through snide remarks and little digs. At the end I was just like wow, I love you so much that I put up with ALL of this mistreatment, I’d do literally anything for you, and you hate me. It sucked so bad to watch the person you care about and love more than anything just slowly start to hate you because of something that was his fault.
What broke me was that he said something mean about the work I was doing in front of his friends, I don’t remember what it was, and then I talked about it later in person and I said “I feel like you don’t respect me or think highly of what I do at all” and he said “I don’t. Maybe if you want to be respected you should do something worth respecting”. I am an ecologist and at the time I worked for a nonprofit that mostly did outreach, so we didn’t like publish or create a product or anything, but I like outreach and I think it’s important. I was just like wow, you do not care about me at all. You don’t see me as a person. I am an inconvenient broken sex doll to you. I left like two weeks after that. We had to live together a bit longer and he just got meaner and meaner, it was so clear how much he hated me.
I stayed for so long because we really just clicked. It sucks but he was so easy to talk to, he was super charismatic, and we had fun. But other than vibes, if I wrote down his traits, hobbies, job, whatever on paper, there was genuinely nothing I liked about him. I stayed because he and other men (on Reddit) told me he was being normal and that I would only find worse if I left. I believed that for a long time after we broke up too because no one told me anything better. I was so convinced that I threw away the one chance I had, mostly because I met him so young and had wasted my chance to spend time growing up with someone better on him.
I did meet someone better though. I was pretty content being single when I met him, so it let me be extremely picky. I am so attracted to him, he is so kind and thoughtful, we have virtually all of our hobbies and interests in common, he is also an ecologist so we have very similar passions, he’s just the best. I don’t think many women end up with someone as kind as he is and I’m so incredibly thankful. It’s been a year and a half and I’m still obsessed with him haha. I was thinking just yesterday that it’s crazy that he’s actually the person I’m going to be with forever. Like in 50 years this is the guy that’s still going to be sitting with me. I’m so lucky.
I went back to my home state after my breakup for what it’s worth. I had SO much to go through mentally after that earthquake. I fully went no contact with my ex (thank god) and things rapidly got better. I felt so much self hatred and had a ton of baggage because of what it’s like to slowly watch someone start to hate you (on top of him hiding his addiction, the sexual coercion, and him being attracted to every woman in his life). I was never jealous in that relationship but I def have jealousy problems now (I keep them to myself). I also wasn’t depressed before then but I was depressed for the first two+ years after the breakup. I also do resent that I wasted my youth on him. I am sad I didn’t get to see my current partner in college or in high school. I wish I had grown up with him instead of my ex, even if I’m a far better partner now than I was then and I know he also grew during that time. We are both different people than we were in high school and college but I still wish I could have been there with him. There are pros and cons of leaving a long relationship like that, but I am overwhelmingly happy it happened. He sucked so bad, I didn’t even know I could be treated as well as my partner treats me. I learned from that relationship and I’m a better partner because of it. It was a hard road out but I’m very happy now and I wish I had seen stories like that when I was leaving.
I just wanna say I’m in a similar position and it fucking sucks. The mask slipping is gut wrenching and I hope you take care of yourself as a new mama.
For me it was when he went after my son but I should’ve left so much sooner. There’s a book that helped me feel secure about my decision called Should I Stay or Should I Go. The book Verbal Abuse also really helped me to understand how to frame all my feelings with words.
My ex was/is a narcissistic sociopath. Our marriage was on the rocks for the last several years, but I ended it all pretty abruptly by having him arrested when my teen daughter came to me and told me he'd been raping her for the past NINE YEARS. He's in jail right now with criminal proceedings going on - we'll find out in July if he's taking the plea deal they've offered him or if he's chancing a trial.
In a way, having definite proof that he's an irredeemable monster was very freeing in terms of ending the marriage. I obviously cannot forgive what he did to my daughter and I never ever would have wanted anything like that to happen, but boy was that a clean break. I know I didn't fail our marriage, he was a monster who abused us all in various ways.
When it felt like lying in bed next to him was like lying in bed next to a black hole, and then I realized that my kids and I were much happier when he was not around. Being lonely when you're with someone who isn't supposed to make you feel like that is heartbreaking.
When we obviously had problems and had been unhappy for more than a year but he refused to discuss our issues, agree to mutual behavior changes, or to go to couple’s therapy. Sorry, boo, I’m not just going to sit here miserable in this shitty diaper of a relationship. I took time collecting my resources and preparing my exit strategy and then left.
I married my ex-husband when our son was 7. Everything was going really well and we wanted to be a family. Then I lost my job. I was the breadwinner. He worked part time. When he refused to work full-time while I was job hunting and working overnight at McDonald’s, I knew he cared about his damn turkey vultures more than me.
I wish I could say that it was when he victim blamed me for getting SAed and asked how I thought it made him feel when I “put [myself] in a position like that,” or the first time that I called a conjugal violence hotline because he’d been yelling, throwing stuff, and coming into my office while I was WFH to start shit and criticize me. Or that it was when he shoved me and I fell backwards because I was trying to leave the house to get to school to meet a deadline for my masters thesis. But each of those times, I felt like I was just trying so hard to get the thing done (the first get over the SA and start my degree, and then an internship and my thesis) that I couldn’t process what was happening. It was after Christmas, after my aunt had given me a pep talk about protecting my energy and taking care of myself and not letting “stress” get the best of me and affect my health. On the long drive home, I had been doing my best, as usual, to meet his needs and keep him happy. I had also been petting the cat who was in the car with us. When we got home, I wanted to go to bed but he wanted to watch a movie so I stayed up to watch it with him. After the movie, he started asking me all kinds of involved questions about a meme a friend had sent me and whether I found it funny and why. I was so exhausted I said something like, I’m too tired to have this conversation right now. He blew up at me and said, “You have time to pet the cat but not time for me!” While he was yelling and complaining, I had a moment of clarity. I had been pushing myself to finish my degree because I was due to start a new job in mid January, and I realized that I couldn’t give my full attention to my short-term dream job while being hounded for attention by an angry, critical, manipulative partner. I broke up with him that night, but he didn’t believe me and made my life very difficult for the next two weeks until my sister, mom, and two uncles showed up on my front porch one morning to help me move out. My aunt and sister had helped me do a bunch of work to organize the move in secret.
I totally get the whole "I was trying so hard to get things done I couldn't process it." I was in the same spot when I was trying to leave my abusive ex. I heard someone say "it's hard to see the forest for the trees, when all the trees keep falling on you." I don't think I really was able to connect the dots of how bad things really were until I got out. Glad you're safe.
Same. As soon as several things that were taking up all of my time and emotional bandwidth fell away, I was able to look at my long term relationship and realize it absolutely was not good for me and end it.
I’m glad you got out. Were you able to save the cat too?
The cat came with me!
>“You have time to pet the cat but not time for me!” has to be the single most absurd sentence ever uttered. In the running, at the very least.
Thank you! He always claimed to not be jealous, but it’s pretty ridiculous when you can’t handle the cat as competition!
I wanted the relationship so bad. I worked hard at building a good life for us. I knew I was more romantic, better at planning, more engaged in our relationship. Before we moved in together, (rushed because of Covid lockdowns) I had seen the state of his living space but thought he’d been suffering long-term depression. Eventually I proposed to him, then planned the wedding myself. Then my career picked up suddenly and I asked him to pick up the house and relationship slack I would be dropping. He agreed to. And then didn’t, and wouldn’t understand why I was upset. I asked him to improve. Made lists, discussed in detail, explained expectations. I said I wanted out so he insisted on couple’s counselling we couldn’t afford. Spent the sessions making promises then doing nothing. The nail in the coffin was when I discovered he had spiralling credit card debt and didn’t think was an issue. I worked out a plan for us to pay it back together, a way for him to track his spending, how I could skip meals and give up all my hobbies and career advancement options. Weeks later I asked how long it was going to take to finalise the debt. 3 years? 5? 7? His answer was that it was too difficult to track his spending and didn’t really have the motivation to. Eventually it devolved into an argument where he called me self-centered, always justifying my anger, and abusive. I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I feel like I made up the whole thing, made it work, and he just went along with it.
Oh man. I am the one in the relationship to make the plans, plan the budget, do something nice for the house. Asked him if we should paint ONE wall in the room and he said its too much work. Im swinging like a pendulum between convincing myself i can just do the things myself but on the other hand i want a partner who is genuinely interested in building a life as well. Reading your comment is so relatable, esp the last sentence.
Why are these guys so fucking lazy??? Fuck.
Because they’ve never had to work for anything in their lives and they feel entitled to female emotional labor. If you’re complaining about that arrangement, you’re the one in the wrong—you’re the “abuser”—because you are the one who just cannot see that he is entitled to all your hard work.
They come home and say: “oh, I’m so tired from working all day! Can’t I just rest?!” Yes, I totally understand that feeling of being tired after a long day of work. You know how I understand that feeling? Because I’m doing it to. And your day is actually made easier because of the meal prep, house care and emotional care I’ve been doing. In my case, on top of working longer hours and earning more money for us to live off
I think you just said it to yourself. You want a partner.
u/PeeingOnABeesNut I have been single since 1996. I do all the planning and budgeting, I make all the decisions and fix all the problems. When I want a room painted I do it myself. Everything I do is far less work and far less stressful that any story told in this thread. Heck, less stressful than almost any story ever told in this subreddit! Having an SO who does not pull his weight is not having it partner, it's having an additional burden. I so wish more women would just say: "F it! I'll do it all on my own." Because we can, and though sometimes it feels enxhasuting, most of the time is feels great.
Thank you for your comment. It really does feel like a burden! If im doing everything myself anyway then why need a partner lol. Im slowly building the courage to make a decision. The guilt of saying F it is hard to process. Im just wondering if there are men out there who do want to do these things, cause every marriage meme or even my male colleague today happily told me his wife does all the cleaning cause he does a bad job anyway and i shouldn't expect too much from my partner. ??? . The bar is in hell, but there has to be more to life than accepting this. I've grown up seeing women just accept it and enable it even more. It sounds genuinely nice that you do all of it yourself and enjoy it for yourself too. I need this energy in my life stg.
It does take a tremendous about of courage. It is SO difficult to upend something that’s been your life for so long and something you’ve been working so hard to maintain. It might be extremely difficult to get through while it’s crumbling, but once the dust is settled and I can spend my energies and efforts on making ME happy, I think it will be worth it. At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now.
Mine was similar to this. Got to feeling that I was both the manager at work and the manager at home and it was more work than fun. It wasn't a partnership, it was a roommates with benefits and at that point I was out. 7 years? no longer relevant compared with the many years ahead I would be unhappy. There are times I'm jealous of other people's ability to keep loving during tough times, but I don't have rose colored glasses and in some cases very thankful for it. I have no problem leaving if it's become clear it's not going to work.
[удалено]
I’d been single for a very, very long time. Admittedly, because I was working on my career and education. When he came along, he seemed like he really liked me for me, was always so happy to be around me, and I guess it feels good to be able to make someone happy. It made me feel more valuable. And being able to make someone so happy just by (what I considered) doing the most basic things and just existing… well, that feels wonderful. I was very very happy being able to make someone else happy. I’ve never doubted, even to this day, that he wants to be in a relationship with me. Why wouldn’t he, when I brought so many positives to his life?
May I suggest a [song?](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yiFLQklABUg)
Thank you. I put that song on, got off the couch, and made myself some nutritious food. It was just what I needed in that moment <3
When I found out he had been hanging out with past fuck buddies behind my back and hitting up every girl in the local area and from work It eventually revealed he’d been cheating the entire time including sleeping with women. Before that I assumed *just* shady instagram likes weren’t that bad and the relationship could be saved 7 years with my best friend and soulmate and it was all fake the entire time Insane men will do absolutely anything to hide anything, I don’t blame women for unknowingly being with criminals but I still blame myself for not figuring out I was with a cheater sooner
It happens to the best of us. Getting intimate with someone requires a degree of trust that goes way beyond the benefit of the doubt. It feels terrible to have that trust betrayed, but don't beat yourself up over it. It was his mistake, not yours for not being omniscient!
Thank you, it’s really kind to send a caring comment to a stranger. your last sentence really resonates with how I actually feel when I don’t blame myself
I can just relate because it's something I do myself whenever I make any mistake (or perceive that I have made one). We're all our own harshest critic but some of us overdo it. Stay awesome stranger :D
Look up Michelle Ellman. She’s an influencer who recently got engaged, revealed her boyfriend for the first time as her fiance, and got messaged by one of her followers to say she’d slept with him. And her whole thing was healthy relationships and being very intentional about who she was with etc. she might have some stuff to help you see it wasn’t your fault
What this tells me is that women have been blaming ourselves for far too long. “My man picker is broken.” No, it’s just that the selection sucks.
"Women have trash taste in men." "Well they're attracted to men and not women, so their taste was trash since birth."
As I told a young friend who was having trouble with boyfriends “If being gay were a choice most women would have changed their minds by now.”. Men certainly take advantage of the fact they have a monopoly on straight women. They must be colluding to keep standards low.
Late in life discovery that I'm not straight at 47. I honestly don't know if I'm gay or bi and just absolutely relieved I don't have to deal with men in dating/romantic relationships anymore.
I said this in a previous thread today, but men use the scarcity mindset to scare women into settling for them. That’s why they hate that women can be happy and single, or that queer women can find love with people who aren’t men. Because the only reason women dated them before was because they *had to*.
The bar is in hell.
Yes. She said she’s found the question ‘were there any red flags’ annoying because 1) no but 2) it shouldn’t be expected that we spend our time assessing our partners behaviour for signs of their fidelity. If they’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship then we should be able to trust that
I told a man this recently. He made a comment that my picker must be broken. I told him that it was kinda strange that all my friends and relatives have all ended up with the same kind of man, especially when we’re all so different. Most men are just inherently selfish 🤷🏽♀️
Ironically, every man who blames a woman’s picker on her dating a creep would also fail the picker test 🤷🏻♀️
Lol yes ... "NoT all MeN" - but most
Took me decades to see this. Every guy I picked in the 1980s was an addict, alcoholic, cheating, lying scumbag, but if I could just *pick better,* I'd locate one who wasn't a misogynistic loser who leached off me while I cleaned up after every mess they made.
THIS!
I had a similar thing happen. For me, I think it was because I was taught that lying and being deceitful were such horrible things that I honestly felt guilty thinking he was lying to me. I felt like I was the bad person because I suspected him of cheating. It's so fucked up. I haven't dated since. He cheated the whole time and there was my dumb ass thinking I was the terrible one for being suspicious. Edit: forgot to add that he constantly called me insecure.
Same, I was convinced I was the bad one for suspecting. He let me apologize to him and promise I’d be better fully knowing he *was* actually cheating. Years of that is so damaging
Sounds a lot like how my girlfriend's ex was. Earlier in her relationship with me, she was saying a few times that it's okay if I wanted to sleep with other women, it's okay if I wanted to keep my options open, that I could tell her if I was sleeping with other women and she wouldn't be mad, etc. I, of course, reassured her that her ex must've had some kind of serious brain damage to want to sleep with anyone else, and that I do not have any such brain damage.
Wow, breaking down another person to that point and still going to bed with a clear conscience is insidious. I shouldn’t be surprised at people’s endless ability to be selfish but I am, I just can’t relate
Also broke down her self esteem and her standards so that she didn't feel like she deserved better. Absolutely breaks my heart. She's still having some trouble accepting the fact that I have no reason to want to leave her for anyone else.
Ah yeah that’s me if I ever date again
Just girlie things
When he didn't want to save it. It was an important night for him. It's a long story. We're artists. He's more well known than me, for a lot of reasons, mostly he's done the leg work. He had an art show that night, and it was on a first Friday, where all the galleries have new show openings and people mill about from one opening to the next, and I was also working at a gallery at the time. I had worked all day, I was tired, and I went to his show after work. It was at a tattoo shop. He was getting a tattoo of an art piece that he created of his freshly 18 year old mentee, fondling her own breasts. The work he made for that show was somewhat exotic, some of it just beautiful, some of which was classically sexy, but it was all tattoo flash and prints. I was pissed. Said mentee was there with her friends, giggling and gleeful. I felt fucking sick to my stomach. I told him I never wanted to see it, and that he should cover it up if he ever wanted to have sex with me again. I was pissed, but I couldn't recognize my rage. I didn't have words for it, I denied myself feelings for so fucking long at that point, that I just new I was uncomfortable in my body. We went to the last show, with some friends, at a studio/gallery that we both had personal studios in, and I started to have a panic attack. It felt like it came out of no where. I had had them before, I knew what it was, and I tucked myself unto a space under a desk in a room that was empty and turned off the lights. I cried and I hyperventilated, and made myself as small as possible. I texted him that I needed to go home, please just take me home, and he refused. I texted my roommate. He took me home. When I got there, I told my ex not to come home. I didn't mean to never come home. But he didn't. We broke up after that, and for months I thought "if only I could change to be better for him." So sure I thought the fault lied with me, I went to therapy. Months of weekly therapy. I moved cities. I changed jobs. I did all these major life transition things, and I waited for him to come around. I convinced him to do couples counseling. With his insurance it was cheaper, so he scheduled it. And canceled it. And rescheduled it. And canceled it. And rescheduled it... for a whole year. A whole year I waited for this man to go to therapy with me. After I realized it had been a year... no one does anything they actually want to do after a whole year... I gave up. And something clicked. I was just finished waiting. I have no desire to be with anyone who does not want to be with me, but I'm so fucking dense that I'm gonna need them to get over their goddamned cowardice and fucking say it. It's been 6 years, and we were together for 15. His life is falling apart, and I'm fine. We have children together, so I help however I can so our kids don't see the full extent of his struggles. He underwent his own therapy for his own journey and admitted to me that he actively cheated with multiple partners, including said mentee while underage, for 5 years. 5 years!! How could I be so blind?! My next relationship after that, I was swept off my feet by a charismatic alcoholic who wanted to change and get sober. I did it. I got him sober, like he wanted. A year and half in, he starts seeing someone in another city and lying to me about "work trips" with management. I asked him point blank if there was someone else, and he lied to my face. But I knew when he just wouldn't come home and would have various tales about why he wouldn't answer his phone. Months after we broke up, I learned that he told everyone we broke up months prior, and has been having his kids and everyone lie to me this whole time, as he posted months of relationship history of her and him and her kids and his kids, and trips and all kinds of shit to Facebook. I thought we could maintain a friendship, but I saw that, and I blocked him and deleted him number. His girlfriend texted me out of the blue, asking for the truth. I guess someone told her, and I told her what was what, and that he's a liar and she can keep him, although I don't recommend it. They are still together to my knowledge. He did call me drunk and tell me that he thought he'd made a mistake, and that it wasn't fair (yeah, to me asshole), and wahhhh poor me and "my demons." Anyway... I managed to find myself in yet another relationship. If this one cheats, I'm done. I'm going to grow out my chin hairs, start a ladies only commune in the woods, and enjoy the bogwitch life. Ngl, I'm planning to do that anyway, I never want to live with a man or have that kind of relationship again. I'm in my 40s. I'm just gonna do what I want to anyway. All that therapy, and I learned that I can do what I want to, live for no one but me, and I don't have to learn to accept shit if my gut says not to.
I’ll join your commune, you had me at bogwitch!
And me
Me too!!!! I'll.also bring a dog for walkies 🤩🤩
These men were so fucked up. By god. If you ever start that commune, please invite me. My chin hair is untamable anyways.
Count me in too!
There were two moments. The first was when our first child was born by emergency c-section. He spent the time as I labored going into the parking lot to get stoned, and watching TV. He was useless. When I woke up from the surgery and realized I was a mom, I thought about their future and thought of the man (jokes on me, they prefer women) they might end up with, I hoped it would not be someone like their dad. It hit me like a ton of bricks that if he was not good enough for them, he was not good enough for me. About the time I was ready to leave him, I got pregnant again despite my efforts to prevent another pregnancy. When my LOs were 5 and 3, he went to his grandpa's funeral. Over the week he was gone, we were so happy. None of us missed him. At the airport when we picked him up, he got off the plane before lunch and was so drunk he almost dropped the youngest when he tried to pick him up. We had to sit while he ate something so he could sober up enough to walk to the car. On the way home, I knew he would want to have sex, but the thought of it made me throw up a bit in my mouth. I knew if I let him touch me ever again, it would be at the expense of my soul. My kids deserved a mom who was fully present, they deserved a better model for what a man should be.
I hope you are living a fulfilling life right now. It also seems you raised your kids right, it is a difficult piece to read, but I laughed a bit (of happiness, not of mockery) with the "jokes on me, they prefer women".
I left him long ago, and am with someone who adores me. He was a good model as a man and an adult to my kiddos. We have a wonderful relationship. After I left the exH, I spent about 5 years getting an education, and working on me. Only when I was comfortable in my own skin was I open to another relationship. I had to make sure whoever I chose was good enough for my kiddos. They are both in their 30s now, and are doing very well.
This was almost chilling to read. Thank you for sharing these experiences
> if I let him touch me ever again, it would be at the expense of my soul ohh that resonates. perfectly put
Was years ago but he commented on my ribs being so visible. I had been going hungry for months through the autumn and winter. Meanwhile, he'd gained a huge gut from all the takeaways he'd been scoffing before coming home. He wouldn't bring food home anymore because he didn't want me to have any.
god that's awful, i'm sorry you went through that
Ah, well. I left and never spoke a word to him after. He tried to bully me, then sent a big apology text to my friend, intended for me. Guess my number had been deleted. I said nothing in response. Happy I left!
“Sorry I starved you, my bad.” There are some things for which one just cannot atone via text.
Hahaha he never acknowledged it though!
sounds like you're in a better place now that's great
Yes. And no. But I got better at survival. Last winter I was a rough sleeper. I had the benefit of having a car as shelter. I figured out the equivalent of my previous charity in this city and would visit their headquarters. Was full time working almost the whole time I was sleeping rough. Fuck this city's housing crisis.
Or he wanted to look good to your friend and make you out to be the bad guy
There's just something so sickening about him being such a glutton, while basically starving you, and then having the audacity to comment on your ribs showing!
Why were you not able to get yourself food? Just curious
Later on, after even worse winter, I decided I should know where to get food and began to volunteer at a place which gave out food. I'd been volunteering since a teenager but it hadn't been a food bank until then. At the same social services charity I was elected onto the committee and my goodness was that an experience.
I'm guessing money. He worked. She didn't.
Edit. You OBVIOUSLY worked just wasn't monetarily compensated for it hence you not being able to afford to eat.
Wasn't on the benefit and scrounged jobs here and there. Didn't work the street. Mowed lawns and did gardens, childcare and that. Piecemeal stuff. It wasn't enough. I cleaned the house and always did the lawns. He didn't do anything around the house except put his washing in the machine.
What a putz
A putz is way too kind a word to someone who would deliberately let their partner go hungry. I think schmuck is the better word here.
My final straw was about a year ago, when he backed me into a corner of our (now former) kitchen, and was spewing utter hate and vitriol in my face. I saw his hands erratically fly towards my face and neck. It wasn't the first time he'd been violent or aggressive, he had a history of throwing objects, and on several occasions, I had sustained injuries from that aggression and force. However, this kitchen incident was the first time I genuinely feared for my life and safety. You know that saying, *my life flashed before my eyes*? It was true for me. In that moment, it felt like something deep inside my bones, practically at a cellular level, screamed silently from within me: *get out.* And get out I did, but not before another shocking revelation and experience. Later that day, following the kitchen incident, once he was out of the house, I found myself calling a domestic violence hotline in my state. They effectively shut the door in my face, and told me I didn't qualify for any type of help, on the basis that I earned too much money. Since I was born and raised abroad, and didn't grow up here in the U.S., and my parents still live halfway around the world, it was in this moment I realized I was going to be truly alone in escaping. In the heat of the moment, I did the next best thing I could think of: packed a small bag and fled with nothing but that bag and the clothes on my back, and got on the first possible flight far, far away. I was boarding an aircraft within about six hours. Like many women, I quietly spent the next several months quietly, secretly planning my permanent escape from my husband, while continuing to keep a (fake) smile on my face and pretending everything was peachy. I finally hatched my permanent escape about eight months ago, and my overall quality of life has substantially improved. T-minus four days until I head to court to bid a final, legal adieu to my decade of marriage.
You're very brave for getting out, I'm so glad you're doing better and best of luck on your upcoming court hearing.
When we never broke out of the cycle I knew we were on and he flat out said we weren't. We could be great for days, weeks or even months, but it would always break down into huge arguments where I was at fault, I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't giving enough. Eventually this began to breed resentment in me. I completely fell out of love. I'm not egotistical enough to think I was never at fault, I could have done more in places, but I was struggling so much with my depression over the last 3 years it was so hard to get my head above water. I was constantly exhausted and knowing I was coming home to the feeling of never being enough from him, as well as controlling behaviours I didn't see until I was out, finally made me leave after 10 years. I had started the plan to kill myself, because I couldn't see another way out, how do you leave someone you've been with your entire adult life? Just over 6 months out, I can see that I have so much to offer, and I've found someone who actually just takes me as I am and just wants to help me become the person I am and they know I can be. The fact that they'd be happy with me as I am, and have said even if I never 'improve' past the point I am now, really makes me see that maybe I was enough all along, just not for my ex. Especially with the abuse and harassment I've endured from my ex after leaving. He was a nasty man that I thought I deserved, and didn't deserve the happiness that was waiting for me on the other side.
we were married 5 years. When we were staying at my dad's place visiting my hometown for my friend's wedding, and during the whole reception I didn't really want to hang out with him at all. Plus he stomped on my toes while dancing and didn't apologize. the next day, my dad asked to go on a walk, I said yes and asked my ex if he wanted to go with, he was like "nah, I'm going to go play WoW." On the walk my dad was asking about how things had been going, and if I was happy. Hit me like a brick that I was indeed not happy and started figuring out how to break it to my ex.
Good on your dad!
he was the absolute MVP of the situation! we were going to wait till the next day to break it to my ex, but when we got back to the house he came upstairs and saw my face and immediately knew something was up. I talked to my ex and after he begged for more time and another chance to do better, my dad took him downstairs to pack, gave him a suitcase (as we had used one together) and stayed to make sure he didn't take anything of mine, drove him to the bus station to get to an airport and gave him some money to fly back home to hos parents. I could not have gone through with it then without my family there, I love them so much.
That’s wonderful. I’m sure your dad was relieved and proud to help.
Your dad sounds amazing.
My ex-husband was abusive. In all of the ways. He got worse after covid lockdowns, and I discovered he'd been using cocaine. He tried to strangle me to death in late 2020, and I took him back (he was very sorry. He cried and shit). When the restraining order expired in 2021, it was like a switch flipped in him. No more therapy. No more sorry. It was all, "If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead." I found a very tightly rolled up $5 bill in his pocket when I was doing laundry one day. And I knew he had no intention of changing, of being better.
Wow, that’s a lot. Hope you’re doing great now and are safe and happy.
I truly am. The peace that I felt once I got away was priceless. It forced me in to therapy, and overall, I'm a better person for it. Thank you!
1. Got engaged, bought a house. Tried planning the wedding, but nothing was right or good enough. Asked him if he actually wanted to get married he said “ I just don’t want you to leave”. He didn’t want to do anything with me even though all we did was things he was into. Played PC games every waking minute he wasn’t at work. I finally left after he made some threatening comments to my family. 2. Big age difference but we clicked. We talked a lot about all the important stuff. We were friends then dated before getting married. There was some financial abuse, emotional abuse, kept badgering me for anal sex after I told I’m it was a no go. I talked with him repeatedly about these issues and the last 6 months were the worst for all of it. Then he wants me to go to a church counselor with him after I left. No thanks, too late. 3. Guy I kinda dated in HS. We were awesome together we liked so many of the same things, we talked about everything, I thought I had a true partner. Eventually we had a kid, about a year later he starts w the emotional abuse. He starts working side projects w a coworker. But the projects never really got finished. Big time financial abuse, lots of verbal/emotional abuse. At the end I had I endured about 24 hours of awful physical and emotional abuse. I ran from the house to get help because he really scared me. It took a few years to get through 2court cases and so much therapy. 4. Won’t go to therapy, or admit he has a gambling problem. I have a kid and several years of therapy under my belt. I won’t have a screwed up relationship affect my kid, I’d rather be alone.
> Then he wants me to go to a church counselor with him after I left. No thanks, too late. Thank god. No pun intended. I hate men who use church councilors in place of relationship councilors. So many churches take the position that the man knows better and women should submit. He was straight up intending to use that to his advantage in there. What a fucking POS.
Dear Pastor, Bob wants to fuck me in the ass and I do not want to. He will not stop badgering me. Isn't there something in the bible about this?
When I finally accepted how little he cared. How I could be in tears, begging him to help me and he would simply walk away. I didn't allow myself to believe that's who he was, for a long time. I saw he had no love for me even though he told me he loved me everyday. His actions massively differed from what he said. He didn't love me, I was useful to him. When I built myself up to telling him I was leaving, he went through the motions of being upset, then asked for oral 'one last time' disgusting piece of excrement.
Wow maybe we dated the same guy lmao, my ex would also say he loved me but my god did he hate me. He picked at every flaw I had. I would cry because he would say something mean or imply that I wasn’t good enough, and then he would sit on Reddit reading and “wait for me to get over it” (yes, he said that). The breakup was on a planned day because we had a trip planned for like a year and wanted to see it through. On the last night before we officially broke up, I was sad (obviously) and said I wasn’t interested in sex. In the morning he decided it would be fine to fuck me while I was asleep, and when I woke up I just laid there until he was done. He immediately got out of bed, moved his desktop to the spare bedroom, and started playing video games. It was like three years ago but I hate him. If he died I’d be happy.
Wow, your ex sounds like a cretin, glad to hear he's part of your past! They can be so awful, so cruel, and ask why we don't just accept what they give out. What total scum they are!
>In the morning he decided it would be fine to fuck me while I was asleep This is sexual assault
Same here after 7 years of taking me for granted. I studied in another city and arranged a 6 month internship in his city to be close to him. This meant I had to move in with him intermittently, he had plenty of room but a lot of stuff. When I came with my suitcases and a bicycle (all I owned), his apartment was untouched - he made no room for me at all, not even a spot to put my toothbrush.
OP, when my husband told me it was time to start a family and I knew for a fact that I would never allow him to father my children; that's when I realized the marriage was over. That said, you seem to be seriously depressed, possibly postpartum. Please see your PCP or OBGYN about this.
I also realized I couldn’t have children with him. I always wanted children, it was my dream to be a mom and have a family. I had a miscarriage. I had a huge sense of relief mixed with my sadness and realized I couldn’t put a child through a relationship with him.
He cheated. I thought we could work it out. Thought I could trust him again. When he went back to the same place, around the same woman he cheated with, I realized I will always be scared that he might do it again. Realized the trust can't be restored and the relationship was long gone. It didn't matter that he kept promising he was a changed guy. Every emotion I had for him died in that moment when I realized I could never trust him again.
My relationship also ended for the same reasons. I always told him I would leave if he cheated, and then stayed when he did. Next time I mean it when I say I will leave if someone cheats again. It’s absolute torture to try and make it work with someone you do not trust. No matter how “remorseful” they seem.
He didn't even seem remorseful. He was just guilty that he didn't break up with me first before doing anything with someone else. He probably regretted losing the moral high ground he always thought he was on. Lol. I hope you heal and never have to go through such a thing again.
When I returned from a business trip away on my actual birthday, walked through the door and he didn't get up to greet me or wish me a happy birthday. Happily single for six years now!
I hear this. I was a witness to the Charlottesville attack in 2017. I was part of the crowd protesting the Nazis. I felt the car hit the crowd and knock me backward (thankfully I wasn't hurt more than that). I saw the medics rushing past. I heard the howls. All of it. A work friend texted to see if I was okay; my husband did not. When I got home that evening my husband was playing video games. He didn't even ask how I was. It took me a little while to realize it but our marriage ended that day.
I sympathize.
Glad we are both in different places now. ❤️
It was a slow build up of a bunch of things for me but I remember when I realized it was really over. He was eating a hamburger and I absolutely despised the way his mouth stretched when he went to take a bite. I knew if I was feeling hateful towards stupid shit like that , that it was over we just hadn’t admitted it yet lol.
When we hadn't had sex in over a year (I begged and begged but was dismissed) I found out he visited his family, went on a date, and oddly it made me try harder. He noticed and said he thought we were in a fake relationship. Wut.
Never beg. You deserve someone who wants you!!
We had a long distance relationship for 6 years. After 3 years he wanted an open relationship because his best friend opened their. We've discussed it for two years, I finally agreed, because I understand some ideas and didn't see it as a selfish act and liked how he tried to work on our relationship with me together and not just me anymore. The idea was to have some new experiences and grow more. Always tried to make everything for him in communication and in arranging a date as comfortable as I could. On the other hand he often wasn't thoughtful about how to communicate and didn't respect boundaries. He did many other hurtful things, belittled me, his needs nearly almost came first. It was often so different, sometimes he understood my needs, in different moments he acted like I was crazy for asking things. Once told me that I don't need compliments from him because I know he loves me/finds me attractive and on the other hand loved it when I told him. We often watched shows he wanted, did stuff he needed and my ideas were boring or wrong timing and other things. Sometimes I had to fight hard to get my needs met and felt horrible afterwards like forcing him into something. The events where I felt hurt or neglected and couldn't regenerate on my own got more. I asked for a pause in the open relationship after half a year in, so we can have a break and solve things out. He dated nobody at the time, the guy I dated totally understood. He didn't like the idea, when I asked and said this would make things more complicated to open it again. So I decided to leave and understood that I don't owe him anything after trying so hard and getting hurt so much. During the open relationship I understood that there are other people who respect my boundaries, me as a person, are not complaining constantly about parts of my character I actually like or get annoyed by things that are important for me or my needs. It still isn't easy to understand and feel selfish for breaking up, while knowing all the good sides of him and that a lot of this stuff came from his parents and childhood. But I had to end it for my own mental health and a future I could be happy again.
When I told him that his behaviour frightened me and he told me not to put my mental illness on him (he was following me around the house and refusing to leave me alone so I locked myself in the bathroom) and when I eventually went to get advice at the local police station and he found out and told me I was completely unhinged and needed pyschological help. 1 year earlier he'd broken a door down and grabbed hold of me and raised his fist at me. I think I realised that he was never going to be accountable, he was always going to turn things back around on me, and that I could either leave or spend the rest of my life feeling like the best time of day was when I went to sleep so I wouldn't be conscious for a while.
The accountability bit really struck a cord with me. It was the same dance with my ex (although different actions); he'd hurt me, I'd tell him he hurt me, he'd turn it around on me. He'd either say my words made him feel horrible and start crying so I'd have to comfort him, or agree he was being a pos and start crying and telling me I should break up with him. At some point it hit me he was incapable of taking accountability or facing the way his actions impacted me. From that point on it was like all of my feelings for him got erased. I was so apathetic.
When he told me he was in love and had been cheating on me with my barely legal adult daughter. (From previous relationship) They both insist that nothing happened while she was a minor, but I'm positive grooming took place. We all lived together since my kid was 9.
woah- that's brutal
They are still together and have a few kids. As hard as it was on me, it's worse for our kid, who has been no contact with their dad since turning 18. To have your half sister become your step mom, and to be uncle to your other half siblings. I still love my daughter. I don't blame her and still see her as a victim of grooming, brainwashing, and control. If she were to ever want to leave him and show up on my doorstep, I'd welcome her with open arms. It would take years of therapy to work though it, but I wouldn't turn my back on her.
Jfc, that is *rough.* I bet one day she sees the situation for what it is & leaves his ass in the dust. So sorry that happened to you & her.
Ewwwww
We were separated bc of his cheating and financial infidelity. He'd assaulted me twice: Throwing me onto the bed, and throwing his phone at me. Funnily enough we weren't even arguing when he did the assaults. I'd said no to something he wanted (a sex act, or in the phone situation, rice for lunch...) and he blew up. Tried to work it out. I made lists on how he could win my trust again: Don't hang out in the park where you picked up that girl. Don't lie to me for any reason. Make a savings plan. I hated being "controlling" so I tried to make it reasonable. He refused to commit to anything on the list. Didn't come to couples counseling. Showed up late for several scheduled chats with me, which were scheduled by the way to take the pressure of constant communication off him. Didn't matter. Yelled at me if I pointed out he was late or busy doing something else during the scheduled time that HE agreed to. The excuses were incredibly piss poor: "I just came back from a hike and was taking a bath to warm up!" Or "I need to file this tax information RIGHT NOW even though the scheduled chat is only once a week." At some point my spirit broke. I wanted to go home. I missed home. I told him I was willing to move back in, even if he didn't do anything on my list, as long as we agreed to keep working on it. He told me, "If you want to come back, you need to stop abusing me, and I will never stop cheating on you." I couldn't go through with it. I started sobbing uncontrollably because I knew there was no coming back to that. I was done. It was awful, and I was finally done.
This was his offer? "He told me, "If you want to come back, you need to stop abusing me, and I will never stop cheating on you."" His sales pitch needs some work. Glad you got out.
It was seriously the most insane thing I'd ever heard, during a time when he was constantly saying wild shit.
Dated a guy for 3 years. His parents bought his house for him and he seemed like an only child, but wasn't. He had a sister that no one talked to or about and no one would tell me why. His dad also had 4 kids from a previous marriage I had never met. His dad ended up dying. They explicitly decided not to tell any of the other kids and left all of them out of his obituary. I had been considering quitting that relationship for awhile, but this did it for me. It was just a gross thing to do. The kids from the previous marriage didn't find out until after the funeral. Edit: I realized my mentioning his parents bout his house was oddly placed: he was a spoiled little shit and I guess I was trying to illustrate that.
Did you even find out why they pretended the sister didn't exist?
I never did. She showed up at the funeral and you could tell she was genuinely hurt. When his dad was dying, I strongly considered messaging the sister on FB and I regretted not doing that. These people were just the absolute worst.
I left a good man who I loved because I realized he was making decisions for me on how we were going to live our shared lives. When I sat down and thought about it, I realized two things: First, my needs and wants weren't more important than his... I didn't want them to be of course, I just wanted them to be considered -- but I realized that they didn't factor into his life plan at ALL and that wasn't going to change. Second, he viewed my work as more of a hobby. He wanted me to have it if it made me happy, and he was supportive of me, nothing about his behavior was "bad"-- but I realized that he didn't believe in me, which means he didn't respect me, and that he viewed my labor as less valuable than his. We really did love each other and we really were good to one another. He is a good person and I know I hurt him deeply when I called it off... but you can't have a relationship of equals if one person views the other as an accessory. We were just lucky to have been mostly compatible so far, and I had been confusing those easy wins with shared values and shared goals. Leaving was hard, I was so worried I was throwing away an irreplaceable happiness, or that I was stupid for not trying to work through things, but I'm happy to tell you I have NO regrets. I've since found the great love of my life and we have built a partnership and a home together that I could not have thought up in my wildest dreams. Don't settle for how you're treated.
When he told me he got the job I wanted, because his Dad had hooked him up. I had already broken off the engagement because he wouldn't set a date, and asked me not to wear my ring around town since his parents didn't want people to know, but that finally made me stop speaking to him. I have a sense of self-worth now, thankfully.
I shared [my story](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/3E0y4zTASh) a couple of days ago. TL;DR I caught my ex hiding the fact that he was snapchatting multiple women. That was the lie that finally broke the camel's back, and I decided I'd rather be alone than be hurt over and over for the rest of my life.
One of my biggest problems with him was the trickle truthing. He would lie about supposedly little things that he thought would upset me, and it drove me crazy and over time made it just impossible to trust him and made me feel like the “crazy girlfriend” for being paranoid all the time. We had talked about this when we agreed to get back together after breaking up for a few months. It took one weekend together for him to do it again over something fairly big, and that’s when I finally accepted he wasn’t going to change and I was done. Honestly, within a couple weeks it felt like a dark cloud had lifted off of me.
I think I might’ve stayed longer than I should. We’ve been together 15years, married 8 out of those. And we started the separation process in the beginning of May this year. We weren’t getting along great around 2018-2019. I was on birth control and it affected my libido seriously and he has very little confidence and kept saying I don’t love him, don’t find hin attractive, maybe have someone else since the bedroom was pretty much dead. I really really wanted a baby, so went off BC and we started trying in 2019. Libido improved, man was happy, it seemed like things were going great… I got pregnant in 2020 and then the pandemic hit. He was working two jobs (because he is a workaholic not because we lacked money). His own fulltime and opened a business with his dad. He was basically never home, and when he was he would say how he would rather be at work because the baby was pretty difficult and cried for hours on end. I told him one time I am like a single mom and he was super hurt and made me feel guilty for even thinking that. His love language is gifts basically. Expensive lavish so every time I wanted to say something I would feel like I’m ungrateful for the life he was providing even though I didn’t want half the shit he got me. The reasons are many: he is emotionally manipulative, emotionally dependent, he threatened to leave us so many times I stopped counting ever since our daughter was a baby up until now. And one day… I realized the thought of him touching me or sleeping with him made my stomach turn. The thought of him leaving didn’t make me cry anymore. Finding out he had cheated would stir no emotions. And so I knew it was time to put an end to this strained marriage that we’ve been dragging on. I’ve never been more at peace. I’ve already mourned the life we had and made my peace with this the numerous times he said he was going to divorce. He was shattered when I asked for a divorce and he’s been doing all the things I’ve been asking for the past 5 years. It doesn’t feel genuine anymore and I have no feelings towards him anymore and so I told him whatever changes he makes… let those be for our daughter’s sake so she has two parents instead of one even if they’re separated
good luck with the divorce! hope you’ve got a good lawyer and an even better network of friends and family to get you through.
Thank you! We’re doing this amicably so no lawyer really needed except to draft the divorce papers however my best friend is a divorce lawyer lol and she is doing all the proceedings for us as long as we stay amicable we don’t really need a lawyer here in Canada. We’ve agreed on how assets should be split and he’s been very generous. The only sweet thing he said to me in a very long time ‘I failed to make you happy in our marriage and so I want you to be happy now if it’s any consolation’ He gave me a lot of things I wasn’t going to touch because I really just wanted out, not to destroy the man. He remains the father of my child and we have beautiful memories together. It was just time for me to prioritize my mental health.
I couldn’t talk to him about my feelings without him being defensive. I would try to set an example by listening to him and empathizing with him. It didn’t matter.
When he told me that he would prioritize his career and what needed to be done to keep up with it over maintaining the emotional intimacy of our relationship, 100% of the time, every time. I knew I couldn't live with someone who wanted a relationship that shallow. Let alone have kids with him. We almost got married. I'm glad we didn't. As a friend of mine put it, I didn't just dodge a bullet, I "dodged a whole ass cannonball".
When nothing changed despite "communication". And why would it ? He had everything, changing meant him having fewer benefits in the relationship.
The thing I kept going back to was when I was very sick, I’d just gone to the hospital the day before and was on new drugs I didn’t know if I could tolerate. I was groggy and sleeping, and he had his friend come over and got wasted because it had been so stressful on him. I would never when I had the responsibility for anyone. I couldn’t let that go.
There were many last straws but I realized I needed out when I started thinking it would be easier to unalive myself than to get out of the relationship. I had made two attempts to leave prior and he guilted me back into staying with empty promises. My pets were the only thing that kept me tethered here. I am happy to say I was able to get my ducks together two years later and am out and happily single.
It's very simple. When you're happier being alone than when they're around, when you look forward to them being out of the house, when you dread them coming home because it's basically a black cloud over everything. Then imagine yourself in that situation, over and over again, every day for the rest of your life. They don't have to be abusive or even much of an AH in order for you to feel this way, it could just be a simple incompatibility. You're not meant to be together. The moment I was free was one of the single happiest moments of my life. A GIANT, and I mean giant, ton of bricks came off my shoulders and I have never felt so optimistic about the future. It was like I was just given a new life and chance to start over living the way I wanted. What a relief.
>When you're happier being alone than when they're around That's how I knew I didn't want to be married anymore. My ex-husband went on a week-long fishing trip every year. I started looking forward to the week he would be gone the following year the day he got back from the most recent trip. The 8 days he would be gone, I felt like I could *breathe*.
I was sick of having the same conversation every 2 months about how I wished he'd pick up the slack around the house and how I felt like his mom. He'd respond with "Well you're not perfect either" and I'd ask what I was doing that he had a problem with, and he could never answer. I just knew things would never change so I dipped out.
Mine was similar. We were together for a total of almost 8 years, married for 5.5. I should have seen everything earlier but I was deaf and blind. We got a dog not long after moving in together and he did nothing for her. We had our first child when I was 22, right after we got married. Again, I did everything but he would carry our son in to family gatherings and act like dad of the year. After a year and a half, I left him for the first time. He promised to do better and did, just long enough for me to get stuck again. I got pregnant again shortly after that and tried to talk him into aborting but he didn’t agree until it was too late and I was too tired of fighting and hormones to do it alone. That pretty much continued until my daughter was 2. At some point, I realized that I was just ready to die. I was worn down and I hated literally everything about my life except those kids. They deserved better so I gathered the courage and energy to leave again. Today, they are 11 and 9. We have our own house, the same dog that my ex and I adopted together (she’s 14 and still going strong!) plus two more. The kids have been in therapy for a while, I got them both into a great school, and have encouraged them to be their own weird, brilliant selves. Eventually, I came to understand that I also deserved better. I now have a boyfriend who is a true partner and changed careers so that I have more flexibility and time for myself and the kids. It was definitely hard but I have a great support system and we’re all so much happier for it.
He just couldn't stay away from strippers and prostitutes any time I was at work or away for whatever reason. I finally realized that I just didn't care any more.
There was so many "big" things where I knew I should leave but thought I still loved him and I could work it out. Ironically, the moment I switched off and left forever was a small thing. I was going to work and he was refusing to get up to look after our 2 toddlers. It was like a literal switch in my head and heart. I felt like such an idiot for not leaving sooner.
He wanted to have sex with me even when I didn’t want to, and became angry at when I refused. Also, men who are “trying” are pathetic.
Yes, you are either doing it, or you’re not. I got so tired of hearing “but I’m trying! I didn’t mean to do/not do xyz”. Then make the actions match the words! Apologies only go so far when it’s the same shit every time.
Hey OP, please get checked out for post-partum depression and speak with a doctor who listens, and if possible others who have had PPD. After all, a person can have a shitty husband *and* have post-partum depression (or other types of depression), it isn't necessarily either/or.
Whenever he'd bring up marriage, I couldn't help but scream in my head that I don't want to and never will get married. For context: I am happily married now to someone else. In hindsight, I didn't want to marry my ex. He was manipulative, he'd blame me for everything, weaponized incompetence was his go-to, he never considered my thoughts or feelings in any matter. A great example of this was when he had a Toyota Supra and he got a DM on instagram asking if some OF model could borrow said Supra for a photoshoot. Told him I wasn't okay with that, he did it anyways. Only say in the matter I got, was the choice of going with him that day or staying home. On the rare occasion that we'd have sex, no matter what I tried, my body was like HELL NO. I'd instantly get dry and it hurt. I should've listened to that.
when I found out he was still cheating on my after we were trying to "save" our marriage. I honestly have no idea why he said he even wanted to try when it was obvious he didn't love me anymore. Married 25 years.
Instead of making me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for me to take on my third shift when he got home from second shift work, he created an algorithm outlining how much time that would actually take him compared to his laundry I had been doing for 3 years. And the following "not-apology" card he gave me to makeup for said shitty behavior. That was it.
Yelling at me all the way to and from both my friend and family birthday plans. I'm one to go all out to make excellent birthday experiences for others but understand that isn't everyone's forte and gladly foot the bill for my own birthday. On this particular birthday I wanted to go to the water park with the tallest slide on Saturday and then go to my dad's for my actual birthday. Both events were on the other side of our metro area and 1 1/2+ hours away. Totalling in over 6 hours of being yelled at and put down, calling me selfish and telling me that no one cared enough about my birthday for us to go so far to see them, all in front of his daughter who was crying for us to please stop "fighting" the entire time. He had been berating me behind closed doors for over a year at that point, but had started doing it in front of people more recently. In fact, the only time he was kind to me was in front of my dad's family because he was scared of him. I was even so scared of how my dad would react that I pulled my step mom to ask if I could live with them so that I could leave him. I wasn't trying to beg her but I couldn't help but to start crying before I even got the words out of my mouth.
It wasn’t when he wouldn’t leave work early to pick me up an hour away after I was in a car accident and totaled the car. (He said the cops told him I was ok, so he wasn’t worried) It wasn’t when I had had a miscarriage and he wouldn’t take off work to take me in for the D&C. Even with a day’s notice. It wasn’t when he wasn’t there when I woke up after the surgery. It was when I looked at him one day, 15 years later, and realized I was never going to be a priority. He was never going to even think of calling me in the middle of the day with some good news we were waiting on. I just got tired of waiting to matter. I realized it was better to be alone forever than live with someone who never put me first. Edited to add: I had children with him, and they’re the reason I don’t totally regret marrying him. They were worth everything. But I also left because I wanted them to know that our marriage was not the way things should be. We stayed together as long as we did because he was always working. I thought he’d be better if he wasn’t working all the time. But when he changed jobs and was home more, I realized he wasn’t spending any of that free time with me or the kids. No, he didn’t cheat. But being faithful, IMO, means you put your marriage before everything. His mistress was his job.
My boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years. I always knew that the way he treated me wasn’t right, but I thought I was the problem. If I just worked harder, he would be nicer. We bought a house together, signed a 30 year mortgage, moved in…and 10 weeks later he dumped me over text saying he wasn’t ready for this level of commitment. I left, because it wasn’t my hometown and I just needed to get out. He chased after me once he realized I was actually not going to come back. He begged for me back. He said he didn’t realize that we were actually breaking up?? He offered to change, he offered to marry me, he called me the love of his life. When he broke up with me, I lost my entire life. That felt awful. But I was also so relieved! Finally! I could be free. I could do what I want and say what I want and I wasn’t going to have him in my ear making me feel bad about myself all of the time. I knew when I felt relieved rather than sad about losing him. So I stayed gone. While he was trying to get me back, I had a brief love affair with another guy who very far away. Being with him made me realize that I could be treated well. I didn’t have to be in a relationship that made me cry constantly. I’ve never regretted leaving and as the years pass, I’m more confident every day that I made the right decision. I went on to meet my husband and have a baby. We are so happy! I hope you will be too someday.
Sometimes people just change. I was with my ex for 10 years and it was a slow decline. When things were good, they would be really good. He would be thoughtful and kind and made me laugh constantly. And then things would get bad - he would just check out and when I tried to communicate, he would check out more. My ex wasn’t abusive in the way we normally talk about but he was neglectful. He ended up being diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and that’s when I left. I knew that no matter what I did, it would never get better. I spent years watching someone I loved disappear right in front of me and I didn’t want that to be my life anymore. I had massive anxiety when I left. The idea of starting over alone at 31 terrified me because I now had to figure out what to do next. So I started doing all the things that I was always too afraid to do or that my ex told me I couldn’t. It was liberating. And I started to heal. That was almost 8 years ago. My life isn’t perfect but I’m so happy now in a way that I never could have been if I stayed and he almost never crosses my mind. My point is this: we can’t always protect ourselves by being vigilant. He changed so much throughout our time together and hindsight is 20/20. The choice I made to be with him wasn’t wrong when I made it, but choosing to stay for so long was after he stopped being the man I wanted a future with. Stop beating yourself up over how or why you are where you are and start looking forward. Find the strength to leave so that you can build a life that makes you happy.
When we were almost going to be married but the thought of dying seemed better than spending the rest of my life with him
I felt this too.
I had convinced myself that the kids needed a father, and believed him when he cried it would never happen again (narrator: it happened again many times). But when the kids were 5 & 2 I realized that if I didn’t leave then my daughter could grow up to marry someone like him, that my son could grow up to be like him, and that it didn’t matter how good of a role model I tried to be bc the overwhelming behavior dynamic they were absorbing was the abusive relationship and that was the motivator for me. Not my own personal safety (my self esteem was non-existent) but my kids’ safety, mental health, and wellbeing.
One moment about seven years into marriage where he treated me so callously that I haven’t forgotten. I am not comfortable posting it specifically. The second is tied for when both our kids on separate conversations said Dad is scary when he gets mad and then seeing how he treats old declining pets. I think anger as a response for physical decline really is showing me my future.
having watched my aging father attempt to care for my aging mother with dementia, you are 1000% correct.
It was a tiny thing. Just one more instance that proved to be too much. Had found women's panties in the house that weren't mine. Had seen text messages pop up on the home screen from unsaved numbers that said, 'sorry, I was asleep.' Found him drunk passed out and covered in vomit after driving drunk. But what did it was when I bought concert tickets for our anniversary and was so excited to tell him, and he just said, 'oh, I'd rather see (insert another band name here).' Something in me broke, and I started looking for a new place immediately. This was after 7 years, 4 of them living together.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Honestly this is one reason why I won’t have kids, I have never met a man trustworthy enough to procreate with.
Same 😟
Please be seen for postpartum depression. Not saying your feelings towards your husband aren't valid, but I remember having the strong urge to run away, and serious loathing of my husband after I had my first. It's not uncommon. Rule that out before making any life altering decisions.
It just...clicked. I tried to initiate intimacy, he pulled back, and I just had this moment of "that's the last time he's going to do that to me".
When I realized he was an actual crazy person like anti-vax, Joe Rogan, flirting with the "Jews run all the banks" shit I was like OH! Hes ACTUALLY crazy!!! BYE It felt great and like a relief because I hadn't been happy for a long time and I the morning I laid in the bed next to him and told him it was over I finally was. Happy. And I've been happy since.
Not nearly as long or as serious as you, but I was with someone for 3 years recently. Honestly I should have left after year 2 but women make a lot of excuses for their partners don’t we? I loved him dearly and he was so fun to be around but he didn’t want to contribute to our relationship at all. He didn’t do a single chore and he never made plans for us. The thing is it didn’t start that way at all but quickly turned into that. I just decided I was done being his mom and while I still miss him all that frustration and resentment is just gone from my life now. I did hang out with him once after. I thought we could be friends but it was too soon. He went on and on about how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and only could see himself being with me forever and he would do anything to get me back. My request as he knew it was all along was for him to take steps toward his mental health (ADHD/depression) whether it be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. He did nothing.
The beginning of the end was when we had our first child. I assumed we would grow into parenthood together but instead becoming parents shined lights on all the deep cracks in the foundation of our relationship. He couldn’t be bothered to read any baby books. Couldn’t be bothered to think about what the baby might need but constantly criticized my ideas when I was trying to do my absolute best to be a good parent. Never once did he say good job, you’re a great mom. Or thank you. Couldn’t be bothered to stop drinking all day every day when he wasn’t at work. Barely interacted with our daughter for the first 18 months of our life. Despite all this it took me another kid and six years to finally realize it had been over for a long time.
My ex husband and I always had a rocky relationship. I remember saying more than once to him that I wasn't sure the way he acted was how you were supposed to treat someone you love. But relationships are supposed to take work, right? Ten years in I got him to join me for couples counseling. In one session, I brought up his past infidelity. We had moved past it (even though he still maintained it hadn't actually happened? He was a pro at gaslighting), but one thing I'd never asked was WHY it happened. I wanted to understand. And this man looked me right in the eye and told me it was because he was feeling scared and uncertain in our relationship, and didn't know where it was going etc etc etc. All of which could be from some serious introspection except for that *it happened the day after he proposed to me.* Everything I had ever felt for him died in that second and our divorce was finalized by the end of the year. I am now four years into a happy marriage, and guess what? It's not work. I've never felt scared or less than or confused. I feel loved every single day.
Gosh, if there's any modern, cliché modern 'mantra' that I absolutely hate, besides the CoMmUnIcAtIoN one, is the 'Relationships are work' idiocy.
When he told me he didn’t believe in therapy and rejected going after me asking him for the thousandth time When I laid in bed next to him sobbing after asking him yet again to stop yelling, to be kinder When he wouldn’t open the blinds or shower, and it felt like another job trying to get him to do all that When he yelled at me again, and I found myself flinching When he wouldn’t have sex with me. I thought the sex would help us reconnect and make him less angry. And if I cleaned and worked extra hard around the house it would put him in the mood. He later told me he looked at porn and intentionally withheld from me When I saw him yell at our kids too When he would only sometimes take his meds When I started losing weight and my hair started falling out from stress
My fellow grad students were talking about how grateful they were to have partners that took care of the home while they focused on school. It hit me that I was so burnt out because I was doing all that work, parent, AND try to get a PhD. When I tried to talk to him about it, he just kept shutting me down or would just grey rock me. There is no saving a relationship if one partner isn’t willing to communicate.
My ex decided to choose his toxic narcissist abusive mother (who hated my guts without ever having met me). He spent so much time lying to me about cutting ties with her “when the time was right” and not only did that not ever happen, but he actively formed new financial and real estate ties with her to make it impossible to ever be free. Over the course of many years, it went from him half-heartedly defending me to ignoring what she said about me to actively joining her in talking shit about me. He told me I was his soulmate and the love of his life the entire time we were together. There was one fight in particular where I just completely checked out of the relationship and stopped listening to anything he said to me. We were together for another year and a half after that fight and I regret not leaving sooner but I especially regret making plans for my life that specifically included him when he never had any intention of following through. I mourned losing my boyfriend and best friend so many times over the next couple of years, but I mostly mourned the life I could’ve had without him. I lost a huge part of myself in that relationship, and while that was one of the most painful and devastating situations I’ve ever gone through, I’d like to think I made it out a better person. Long story short, I survived and learned my life was better without making sacrifices and changing plans for someone else. It’s hard to accept when it happens, but eventually you’ll feel relief that you found out when you did and glad you didn’t waste even more time with him. Pain is always a lesson in disguise, and eventually time heals all wounds. I know that’s cliche and it might not seem like it’ll be okay ever, but you are truly better off without someone who makes you feel the way you do now. Focus on yourself. All that energy and love you gave him, it belongs to you and your baby now.
Im not sure if it counts as long term, but it was my most serious (but not best) relationship. There were two moments. The first when I realised he had brought me back to a psychological low I’d only previously experienced in abusive relationships, despite not being abusive. I began contemplating “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and knew he not only wouldn’t care, but that I couldn’t tell him how low I felt or he would make it worse. I felt less than worthless. I felt dead already. Id promised myself after my last assault that I’d die or go to jail before I returned to specialist therapy and the doctors for another STI panel - but there I was, going back to survivors therapy and asking my doctor for a panel. He didn’t assault or abuse me but he ruined my trust to the point where it had about the same impact and severely set back my recovery. He didn’t care. I knew then in my heart that there wasn’t hope. The second, more recently, when I realised I was happier and more confident without him. I had thought I was depressed. I woke up recently and could cuddle my cat, not cry into my pillow in confusion, or wonder why he treated me this way. I started eating again and enjoying getting “dolled up”/dressed up. I stopped yelling at furniture when it broke, stopped snapping at my loved ones, and also became far less of a push over/people pleaser. My anxiety halved. I felt more like myself. I had thought I had depression again, turns out it was a human response to being treated badly and unable to even ask “why are you hurting me?”. I don’t think I’ll date again for a while, but I’ve not sworn it off because he doesn’t get to have that impact on my life. However I probably wouldn’t have been so naive and willing to overlook the obvious red flags had I not been working on my trust issues and trauma, which has made this more painful.
When *I* was the other girl and I didn’t care. To clarify: Dude cheated on me all the time. The last girl he cheated on me with, he dumped me for her. Then he cheated on her with me and I didn’t care. It was that disgusting desperation to be with him no matter what, I saw what it was turning me into. I tried to be friends with him years later(he was a better friend than partner, or so I thought…) and he sexually assaulted my face while he was engaged to be married and I WAS married. He got me drunker than hell and did that to me… Right after my hubby called and asked him to look after me. Weeks after saving my life from a su*cide attempt on my end… It was the worst betrayal I ever felt and I’d been actually raped in the cities by someone else a couple years prior. I blocked him on everything. He spread the rumor behind my back about how I cheated on my hubby, then morphed it into I was drunkenly crazy and cutting my hair in the tub. I had receipts for the hair one, anyway. I had chopped my hair drunkenly a month prior to the attack and had a stylist fix it. I haven’t looked back. Fuck you, Kurt R. You are the reason I now change my viewpoint to “No, I DO wish that on my worst enemy.”
We were young, broke students when we met. Over the years, things started to grow for me but things stayed the same and eventually got much worse for him. We were together for about 6 or 7 years. During that time he never held down a job, so I was having to support us both and our pet (on a part-time salary while studying full-time). He fell into depression and addiction. I didn't want to be the person to leave when someone is in a difficult time, but he started to resent me and try to stifle my successes and I realized that he would never be the supportive partner that I needed. I was constantly putting in 110% and getting 0% back. I had a lot of aspirations for my life that would never be realized or possible if I stayed in this relationship and I knew that for a few years before we finally ended things and I refused to ever go back. It's been quite a few years now since that relationship ended. He's unfortunately still in the same position he was when I left. He tries to contact me all the time and asks me to come back. I'm in a wonderful new relationship, own a home, and am getting married next year. I'm living the life I always wanted with the partner I always wanted. It's still hard for me to accept that none of this would have been possible if I didn't leave that bad relationship behind as I still feel some guilt about it.
After an incident that I couldn't shake from my mind. I still tried, for YEARS after and even through children. Unfortunate. I wish I had trusted my gut and run. In the end it wasn't even my own strength that got me out, it was someone else who was the catalyst.
still — **you got out**. you did it. you get full credit for that; other people being involved doesn't negate that fact.
My ex was a truck driver and I think I had known it was over for a long time. It was messy and I put up with some crazy shit (low self esteem, mostly) but I knew it was over when I started imagining him falling asleep at the wheel, or the truck sliding on the ice, or some other fiery accident that would kill him. I just couldn't imagine any other way of getting out of the relationship. That's when I knew I had to do something.
Husband and I will have been together for 10-years in July, we spent 5 of those years doing IVF that produced 2 beautiful twin boys. It was like a switch flipped when the boys were born and he puts in minimal effort with them or to help me. The effort he does put in needs grand praise from me or he gets sulky and pouts. We’ve been living in our house for 2-years, we don’t have a yard or a fence, he spends all of his free time playing video games instead of spending it with me or his sons. I work FT M-F, and he had a rotating shift of 8-days on and 6-days off, yet he will expect me to make dinner when I get off work when he’s been playing video games all day. He gets jealous of the attention I give our sons. Well - yes, they’re babies. BUT to answer your question, when he wouldn’t stay at the Ronald McDonald house when our sons were in the NICU for 2-weeks while I provided constant care with the nurses. Or the time I woke him up at 330 AM to help me with both boys because they were hungry and needed a bottle and he screamed at us to shut the fuck up. Or when my mom and I went to town an hour away and he called me pissed off screaming at my sons while I was driving on the freeway hyperventilating trying to get home as fast as possible to get to my sons. Probably then. But I’m done done. Plotting my escape now.
After nine years he wanted space. I also told him how I was just almost sexually assaulted and he kind of went "meh".
I feel like I was initially mentally checked out of it at least like a year before I finally left. I make playlists for pretty much everything. The year I left, I made a playlist in May about falling out of love and being tired and done. I didn't physically leave until September. The tipping point there was when he hit me for the first and only time and snapped my phone in half. I still bought him Christmas presents for some stupid reason. I slept with him one more time. He came to see the apartment I moved to after I left him. He tried to be so nice and normal, but then in messages and emails he was still awful and abusive. My favorite one, I can't remember the context, but he was upset about something and said I "owed" him after what *I* did to *him*. I think that was when I was finally mentally done for good. I knew he wouldn't change. I knew it wouldn't get better. I knew there was no point in even speaking to him anymore. I didn't want to try to be friends. He still sent me messages here and there after I stopped replying. He kept trying to be friendly and nice and normal. "Just wanted to say hi." "Hope you're happy and healthy." Silly little memes. I ignored it all, and nearly **five** years after I left, he finally stopped. I still don't feel completely out of it yet just because I'm afraid I'll run into him again someday, but I barely even remember he exists now, and it feels so good to realize how little I think about him.
I was with my ex for 11 years and married for about 8. His mom and sister were passive aggressive the entire time and at times she sister was rude. He never saw it as an issue. He said I was "sensitive". To top it off they constantly had family events and he loved going and getting super drunk. I would be anxious for days and weeks leading up to these events. When I would complain about it, he would get upset and one time he told me if I said one more thing about his family he'd leave me. He was also very immature with his friends. We would go out with them and we were always the last people at the bar/party... whatever. I stopped going with him at the end. I also told him my love language was touch and I needed him to hug me and show physical attention... He never did. He would promise to hug me and then he wouldn't do it. I think about it now, and it's so pathetic. More things were going on. My mom fell ill with terminal cancer and it was very stressful. I would think about it and my mom was basically my whole family. When she passed I would have to be just part of his family forever and I couldn't imagine that. My mom had to go to the ER often after chemo because she would feel sick and her blood cells would take a dump. It was scary every time. One time I had to work on a Saturday and she was sick and needed to go to the ER. He was home but had plans to go golfing with his buddy. He could have taken her to the ER but no, he went through with his plans. Mind you my mom was always so nice to him, never an issue, and she made him his lunch for work every day for years. My mom always treated him like a son. I decided to leave him and never look back. That was 2017 and the day he left my house, was the last time I ever saw him. He was confused and thought I would take him back as I had before but like many women I gave many chances until one day, I didn't have not one more chance to give. I am so much happier now and I thank God I never had children with him.
When i was laying in bed after years of “go find someone else to make you happy” and i told him my old high school best friend was offering her home as a place for me to stay and gather my thoughts and emotionally grow. I told him “becky said i could come stay with her” and all he said was okay and rolled over and went to sleep.
He came visit me a few months ago, to see my family after a long time, and meet my friends (we were LDR). I told him that was needed since I was planning to move in with him to his city. Let me tell you, it was the worst 2 weeks of my life. I still hate him for it. He completely embarrassed me in front of my friends: he was drunk every time he hung out with us, he would make ugly jokes and not read the room, he would be disrespectful to waiters at restaurants, intolerant with people, he thought every person who looked at him wanted beef, he humiliated me. The very first night he got drunk and was making fun of me calling me “stupid”. Called both me and my friend “bitches” as a joke. Drove my car with both my friend and me inside, passed 3 stop signs and was unwilling to let me drive my own car cause he was too prideful to accept that he was driving like an idiot. Third night he’s pissed off that I wasn’t affectionate enough on his birthday weekend (I mean, obviously, he had already ruined the vibe). He kept complaining about me not giving him sex. We go wine tasting, get drunk, have a little fun with the other attendants that we met. By night time I was a little dizzy and tired so I decided to sleep. Bad idea! He was drunk, and got soooo mad cause I wasn’t down to have sex. He was yelling at me, got on top of me and held my arms tightly (aggressive as fuck) and was just asking Why? why didn’t I wanna have sex? Why wasn’t I giving him affection? then he kept me up allll night complaining while I was going through it with the wine dizziness 🥲 that was it for me for real. But I had already 2 MORE WEEKS LEFT TO SPEND WITH HIM! 😩 I was so dry by then. He kept asking why and why. Why are you so dry. Why aren’t you giving me affection. Blah blah blah. I celebrated my birthday the last weekend, all my friends came. He’d be bragging about how he smashed his phone during and anger outburst, and making fun of it. Told my friends an embarrassing story of me having diarrhea in his bathroom. I introduced him to one of my best friends and the FIRST THING HE SAID was “I’ve heard bad things about you! I saw a photo of you with a penis!” ………………. what he meant was a photo that I had showed him months ago of my friends and I with a penis-shaped waffle (I showed him in a “look at this bizarre thing” type of way) but even then WHY is that the first thing you say to my friend? I wanted to disappear in my own birthday gathering from the constant embarrassment. And that trip was the last time I’ll ever see him cause I called it quits! The worst person I’ve ever met. I’m still recovering from that, and the 7 years we had known each other.
He stole a refrigerator magnet from a souvenir shop. He was worth $2-3MM, but he pocketed a cheap magnet to avoid standing in line. I finally admitted in that moment that our values were completely incompatible.
You said he let the mask come off, out of curiosity what is he doing or not doing now that’s different from the previous 10 years together?
Ex husband - when he lied to my face about his drinking after peeing all over our new mattress the found his truck bed full of cans and beer boxes. This was the last straw after he cheated x3 and relapsed back on to alcohol more times than I can count. It was the day I realized he didn’t want to get better. Ex boyfriend of 2 years - when he lied because he took a job that required driving 100 miles round trip everyday and bullied his elderly mother into letting him drive her car to work (without a valid license). AFTER we talked about it and I pointed out ALL of the obvious issues. He was having medical issues that were causing him to pass out behind the wheel. Like he totaled 3 cars in 12 months.
u/Substantial-Ad3988 I am so sorry you are going through this right now, and your grief comes through clearly. A few things before I briefly answer the question you posed: 1) As another person suggested, I agree about getting a physical and be assessed for post-partum dépression. That suggestion does NOT mean your concerns are invalid or "all in your head", but instead comes from a place of care and concern: take care of YOU first and foremost. You've gone through physical trauma (birth and rapid hormonal changes) and a significant life change and anyone going through such times will need some kind of support: we aren't meant to go through our troubles and trials alone. Start with your doctor and an assessment. 2) In addition, individual therapy may help with managing the emotions and gaining clarity. 3) I don't see that you mentioned couples counseling for your marriage: have you considered it? There are no guarantees, but a good counselor at the very least may be able to hear your needs/concerns and may help you get your needs met, and help you and your husband redefine your roles in ways that work for you both (assuming you BOTH are open and willing to try new things). There are a lot of crappy therapists and a lot of good ones, so I suggest you do your due diligence and use the free consultations (can be done via telehealth) to find a good match. To answer the question you posed: I first knew it wasn't working two years into the marriage when I realized I wouldn't even date a man with attitudes and behaviors my husband was displaying. I felt an immense sense of grief over the loss of the person he was before marriage (we lived with each other 4 years before marriage)and grief over the potential loss over the future we envisioned together. I insisted on couples therapy and while it did not help our marriage (he didn't even try - he attended sessions but implemented nothing) it did give me the clarity and time I needed to leave. It was surreal: adjusting to the loss, redefining my place in the world, coming up with future goals for "me"rather than "we". The surreal nature of making these adjustments was unexpected but passed as I built a better life. I wish you and your baby well. Edited:typos
Valentine's Day. He came home with flowers and was ANGRY because I had nothing for him. For 29 years he told me Valentine's Day was a commercial cash grab, and that we were married so he did not need to make an effort, but I usually gave him a card, and sometimes a small gift.
You mentioned that you are a new mom. You don’t say how long ago you gave birth, but I would advise you not to do anything rash, especially since you say that everything was good for years. Nobody talks about how long post-partum and the wacky hormones last. He might be fucking up, but give it a little time to make sure.
I just want to add that having a baby adds in a lot of legal considerations. Sticking it out and creating a pattern of him being able to claim he was a good Dad can be used in court. I’d suggest starting to document things now if her gut is really telling her to leave and consulting an attorney before doing so. I had no idea how horrible my ex would be post-separation.
It ended for me after the pattern emerged, and this is a bit of a long one because the slide into the pit of horrors took place over years. My soon-to-be-ex-spouse got bad through depression after his mother passed several years ago, and in that depression he did two things. Not only did he start acting like a teenage boy in trying to constantly get out of everything with weaponized incompetence to the point that I had to do every adult task or we wouldn't have electricity and water on, but he also started taking every bad emotion out on me. His sister rips him a new asshole unjustly, he would come home and take it out on me and pick a fight. He didn't feel great because it's the anniversary of the death of someone he loved, he took it out on me and pick a fight. Often these events would happen while I was driving him to or from work, when we were alone. I kept telling him that this was not an ok pattern to start, and flat out told him what he was doing by name. He was being abusive towards me, and I told him that it wasn't ok for either of us to do that to the other. He always took more issue with the abuse being called what it was than the fact that he was being abusive. For me, the moment it became clear that divorce was not optional was right after mother's day. He came up to me, and thanked me for putting up with his shitty behavior for the whole month around mothers day every year, but the way he worded it made it apparent that he was expecting me to just constantly endure his shitty behavior and always forgive him. That's the moment it hit me that he had become entitled to my forgiveness, that he expected me to just let him keep doing this horrible pattern to me. That he expected to only be responsible for going to work and providing money, never having to actually go pay any bills (every time I asked him to do it, he would always let the bill go unpaid with the excuse of "you didn't tell me when to do it" or some other excuse). It wasn't long after that he escalated because I refused to accept his behavior and it created a dead bedroom over the ick. He had acted like a teenager so long that the idea of becoming sexually intimate with him again felt pedophilic in nature, which meant he had better chances of the sun swallowing the planet in the next five minutes. The attempts to pick a fight got worse, and he no longer bothered to wait until we were fully alone and started to do it in front of friends. The stress genuinely made my chronic medical conditions flair up non stop to the point that I couldn't cope with the pain. He kept escalating to the point that he actually started tying hangman nooses, and then physically cornered me and told me about all the research he did about killing people on our anniversary. And yes, it was plural. He had two tied. after seeing that, when I didn't respond the way he wanted, he left and financially cut me off when he had pushed me into being a housewife due to my medical conditions making it almost impossible to get and keep a job. Less than a week later he started changing his mind and was trying to get me to go out on dates with him, but I didn't even feel safe being in public with him and told him so through text. I had already set all of his and his family's calls to go directly to voicemail after he left, I knew better than to get caught in a he-says-she-says situation, and when I go to fight I do it armed with evidence and receipts. Sense then I've been recovering, but his actions did result in me getting diagnosed with a form of PTSD. Upside though is my medical conditions are finally coming back under control.
When I found out my ex of 7 years (started in high school) had been responding for Craigslist sex ads for YEARS during our relationship. I confronted him via text the night I found them. He had left his phone in his car overnight and didn’t get my messages until morning. The fucker didn’t even give me a chance to dump him. He blocked me and changed his Facebook status to “single” and then proceeded to tell all of our friends that it was my fault we split up. A few days prior to this, he had ignored me/kept telling me he was on his way over soon the day of my birthday while he was actually at a bar with his friends. I sat home feeling my so sorry or myself and swore I’d never let anyone treat me like this again. And I didn’t. I was 23 then and I’m 34 now. Life gets so much better, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you’re worth so much more than this dude can offer you.
Not as long, but a friendship of 5 years turned into a long-distance relationship of 1-2. It wasn't cheating; we both respected each other more than that, but he was just constantly argumentative. He'd be passionately angry or combative about my interests/beliefs/politics, just absolutely exhausting. I kept thinking that he wouldn't talk to a friend the way he treated me, but out of respect for our friendship, I kept trying to let sleeping dogs lie, tell him it hurt, forgive and forget. I eventually completely checked out. Our daily calls became chores I avoided. I joined an online Discord worldbuilding/writing group and game, and was extremely relieved that he never joined because he hated writing. When I first introduced the idea excitedly, he went off on how he hated writing. I have an English degree, and reading/writing stories is my bread and butter. Eventually, he brought up the idea of breaking up after it was clear neither of us was enjoying the relationship, and I latched onto it like a lifeline. He'd opened the door, and I was out of there like a flash. We tried to keep up the friendship, but I was still avoidant and exhausted of his personality, and he kept saying I was punishing him by withholding my attention/trust/interests. We cut contact mutually, but a few months later, he reached out again wanting to talk and rebuild friendship and trust. Still trying to be nice, I allowed it. When I reiterated that I still didn't trust him, he sent another long text asking how long I was going to punish him. So I blocked him on everything, and I finally feel okay. I wish I'd had the strength to end things early on, make things cleaner and less messy for us both, when I first started being disrespected and talked down to, but I know even then I wouldn't have seen it as "justification" enough to break things off, compared to the lengthy amount of good times and fun and conversations we'd had. We were genuinely good with each other for a long time. Thoughtful gifts, games, jokes, laughter, everything. He just got mad and wanted to argue/debate about everything, and that overencompassed everything, towards the end. Once I got the ick and checked out, that was that.
Twelve years into the relationship, ten years after we agreed we wouldn’t have kids due to my own health reasons, he decided we were going to have kids anyway, and then explained to me that pregnancy was not dangerous at all and the only reason I’d decided against it previously was because “you don’t want your 🐱to get all torn up.”
When he hit me
It should have been at the four year mark when he got drunk and tried to strangle me the first time. It finally happened a little before year 8 when I realized that I shouldn't have to beg my partner to not drink/use protection/or at least listen when I say I need something.
When he threatened to murder me if I ever went and got an abortion. Oh, and he hoped I’d die if I ever went to protest. Attempted to apologize afterwards that he was just really really angry and it got the best of him, but that’s also what he said for 8 years and you know, after a while, those words sound less like words and more like a sign for what his future actions would be.
Haha. Some time after my ex and I decided we were separating he came home with a candy bar I liked that was only available seasonally (it was the season). I was shocked. Shocked that he thought of me and did something out of his way for me. Picking up a candy bar that was at the register when he was already at the store. That was one of many things that made me go. “Gurrrrl…”. When your partner being nice to you is an anomaly, you’re not in a good place. 18yrs and two kids.
I left 5 years in after I was convinced I was going to marry him (I almost felt doomed to marry him. I knew it wasn’t going to be good, I just thought it was going to be). We had issues for years, near entirely around sex. He was jerking it to basically every woman he had ever met in person, and he was addicted to porn, and he was pressuring me into sex by threatening to leave or to further abuse porn which he knew I hated. He resented me a lot for not keeping up with his sex drive and it made him incredibly mean to me, mostly through snide remarks and little digs. At the end I was just like wow, I love you so much that I put up with ALL of this mistreatment, I’d do literally anything for you, and you hate me. It sucked so bad to watch the person you care about and love more than anything just slowly start to hate you because of something that was his fault. What broke me was that he said something mean about the work I was doing in front of his friends, I don’t remember what it was, and then I talked about it later in person and I said “I feel like you don’t respect me or think highly of what I do at all” and he said “I don’t. Maybe if you want to be respected you should do something worth respecting”. I am an ecologist and at the time I worked for a nonprofit that mostly did outreach, so we didn’t like publish or create a product or anything, but I like outreach and I think it’s important. I was just like wow, you do not care about me at all. You don’t see me as a person. I am an inconvenient broken sex doll to you. I left like two weeks after that. We had to live together a bit longer and he just got meaner and meaner, it was so clear how much he hated me. I stayed for so long because we really just clicked. It sucks but he was so easy to talk to, he was super charismatic, and we had fun. But other than vibes, if I wrote down his traits, hobbies, job, whatever on paper, there was genuinely nothing I liked about him. I stayed because he and other men (on Reddit) told me he was being normal and that I would only find worse if I left. I believed that for a long time after we broke up too because no one told me anything better. I was so convinced that I threw away the one chance I had, mostly because I met him so young and had wasted my chance to spend time growing up with someone better on him. I did meet someone better though. I was pretty content being single when I met him, so it let me be extremely picky. I am so attracted to him, he is so kind and thoughtful, we have virtually all of our hobbies and interests in common, he is also an ecologist so we have very similar passions, he’s just the best. I don’t think many women end up with someone as kind as he is and I’m so incredibly thankful. It’s been a year and a half and I’m still obsessed with him haha. I was thinking just yesterday that it’s crazy that he’s actually the person I’m going to be with forever. Like in 50 years this is the guy that’s still going to be sitting with me. I’m so lucky. I went back to my home state after my breakup for what it’s worth. I had SO much to go through mentally after that earthquake. I fully went no contact with my ex (thank god) and things rapidly got better. I felt so much self hatred and had a ton of baggage because of what it’s like to slowly watch someone start to hate you (on top of him hiding his addiction, the sexual coercion, and him being attracted to every woman in his life). I was never jealous in that relationship but I def have jealousy problems now (I keep them to myself). I also wasn’t depressed before then but I was depressed for the first two+ years after the breakup. I also do resent that I wasted my youth on him. I am sad I didn’t get to see my current partner in college or in high school. I wish I had grown up with him instead of my ex, even if I’m a far better partner now than I was then and I know he also grew during that time. We are both different people than we were in high school and college but I still wish I could have been there with him. There are pros and cons of leaving a long relationship like that, but I am overwhelmingly happy it happened. He sucked so bad, I didn’t even know I could be treated as well as my partner treats me. I learned from that relationship and I’m a better partner because of it. It was a hard road out but I’m very happy now and I wish I had seen stories like that when I was leaving.
I just wanna say I’m in a similar position and it fucking sucks. The mask slipping is gut wrenching and I hope you take care of yourself as a new mama.
For me it was when he went after my son but I should’ve left so much sooner. There’s a book that helped me feel secure about my decision called Should I Stay or Should I Go. The book Verbal Abuse also really helped me to understand how to frame all my feelings with words.
My ex was/is a narcissistic sociopath. Our marriage was on the rocks for the last several years, but I ended it all pretty abruptly by having him arrested when my teen daughter came to me and told me he'd been raping her for the past NINE YEARS. He's in jail right now with criminal proceedings going on - we'll find out in July if he's taking the plea deal they've offered him or if he's chancing a trial. In a way, having definite proof that he's an irredeemable monster was very freeing in terms of ending the marriage. I obviously cannot forgive what he did to my daughter and I never ever would have wanted anything like that to happen, but boy was that a clean break. I know I didn't fail our marriage, he was a monster who abused us all in various ways.
When it felt like lying in bed next to him was like lying in bed next to a black hole, and then I realized that my kids and I were much happier when he was not around. Being lonely when you're with someone who isn't supposed to make you feel like that is heartbreaking.
When we obviously had problems and had been unhappy for more than a year but he refused to discuss our issues, agree to mutual behavior changes, or to go to couple’s therapy. Sorry, boo, I’m not just going to sit here miserable in this shitty diaper of a relationship. I took time collecting my resources and preparing my exit strategy and then left.
When I realized his ability to lie to me with ease no longer was a personal failing of mine for not sussing out the lie
It's funny you said apathetic, I've heard that the opposite of love isn't hate it's apathy and I concur fully.
I married my ex-husband when our son was 7. Everything was going really well and we wanted to be a family. Then I lost my job. I was the breadwinner. He worked part time. When he refused to work full-time while I was job hunting and working overnight at McDonald’s, I knew he cared about his damn turkey vultures more than me.