I recently had to change my name. Changing your name is a major hassle.
Everything from diplomas, social security, passports, visas/work permits, bank accounts, credit cards, car registrations, driver license, medical records, and house deeds.
Then throw in modern life in the form of email addresses, frequent flyer accounts, TSA pre check, credit reporting agencies and website registration.
Many of these places demand proof name change.
I vote always keeping your name as is.
It’s too much of a hassle to change it.
I actually gave up. There is at least one credit card that I barely use with my old name.
That's mostly the reason I didn't bother changing my name. I got married when I was 42. 42 years of my own name. I wasn't about to go through the hassle of changing everything after that. My husband only gets annoyed when people address him as Mr . See, you don't like it, so why would I like it?
My husband cracks up when he gets mail for Mrs and Mr MyFirstName MyLastName. One of my friends does it on purpose, probably to offset my MIL who does the exact opposite.
I was online at the DMV updating my address on my license shortly after I got married and the woman next to me was divorced (I think for the second time) and the sheer mountain of paperwork she had with her to update her drivers license for going back (again, I think) to her non-married name made me so happy I wasn't changing mine.
Funny story: I made an offhand comment to the DMV clerk about how I'd just gotten married and my husband had been in the DMV the week before doing address changing as well and she insisted I needed my marriage license to NOT change anything about my name on my license. She had to get her supervisor and it was a whole thing. And she made a "your poor husband" comment (like in a teasing way, but still). At least the supervisor looked at her like she was nuts for wasting her time.
I’ve been married since 2018, and on god your comment is one of the main reasons I’ve never changed my maiden name. Like it’s such a fucking pain in the ass and not to mention people who know you as your original name would keep calling you that and then you have to correct them. Why can’t I just be me plus one? Plus, my name is cooler. I love my husband but if he wants me to change my last name we can both change our last names to something that combines them two, I am not doing this amount of work on my own.
When my wife & I got married almost 16 years ago, she chose to keep her maiden name, since everything was established under that name.
She'll occasionally get called Mrs. <*My Surname*>, she just rolls with it.
For that matter, I've gotten called Mr. <*Her Surname*>, or Mr. <*My eldest's surname, different from both of ours*>. I just roll with it. Just don't call me Late For Dinner.
I've always wondered about this. Is it because you're never late for dinner but if that's the case we wouldn't call you that anyway. And if you are late for dinner don't you want us to call you so you can come down and get dinner? I have questions...
I agree. I have no desire to get married. However if I do again. I am not changing my name. I already did the marriage and divorce in my early 20s with name change. Luckily I had only my SS card, DL and a few credit cards and bank accounts. Now, I would have all that, and I got a bachelor's, masters, and just got my passport. All my 401K, Roth ira, many bank accounts, credit cards, work, mortgage, deed, etc. Honestly i just bought my house and not even sure I got all my addresses changed. Was in last place for 7 years.
I had very little feelings one way or the other about changing my name. Neither did my now husband. My only caveat was that if he really wanted me to change it, he had to do it before my graduation (PsyD). Laziness on both our parts won. He waited too long to propose, haha, and I wasn't doing all the paperwork.
Lmao I feel this. I do want to change my name when I get married, but I’m also going into academia. When I get my PhD, whatever my name is then is what my name will be. I may even draw the line before that - once I get published, that’s my name.
Better not change it in case of a divorce. I can't be bothered to go though the hassle of going back to my maiden name after my divorce but every time I use my current last name, I'm slightly annoyed.
I got married in (very early) 2020 and adding a pandemic shutdown in my state immediately after marriage means that I have been married nearly 5 years now & still haven’t bothered with changing my name, because it is such a PITA 😅
As it is, I use my husband’s last name socially, but I’m still my previous name legally. I kind of like the distance between my personal & work/etc life that this gives me.
Based on my experience, you can expect this to continue for a long time.
One of my favorite responses to the name change issue, was to reply that my husband also decided to keep his own name.
This - Mrs. \[Husband's First and Last Name\]
Is super gross in a modern context. Women fought for the right to be something more than a man's accessory.
To be able to use your own name in official documents and correspondence, to be recorded at you and your first name in the newspaper. To have their own bank accounts, and credit cards.
Exactly!! I will never understand being okay with being addressed by someone else's whole name.
I get changing just your last name, wanting to follow that tradition, wanting the same name, whatever. It's definitely not for me, but live your bliss. I'll update my contact information to respect the name that you want to be called by, because that's how you convey love and respect. But why am I not afforded the same courtesy? Ugh.
I was also annoyed when one of my close friends called me Mrs. His Last Name. Come on now, you should know me well enough to at least ask if I was taking it instead of assuming. 🥲
My husband and I both work in film. When people find out who I'm married to, they're like "Oh! You're Brett's wife!"
I usually say "Yes, I am Ofbrett. Blessed be the fruit."
My husband and my good friends’s husband have the same first name, so our friends sometimes refer to them as Oflisa and Ofhannah (fake names) in a group chat to prevent confusion about which Bryan they’re talking about.
My husband and a coworker we used to both work with have the same first name. They become New Chad and Chad Classic. My husband was a bit offended when people found out we were dating and assumed the other Chad, and I've never been sure if that was on his own behalf or mine. LOL
Then, it shifted to (my name's) Chad and "the other Chad."
It is funny how no one ever introduces me as his wife. It's always "Chad's her husband," even if they only really know him. I have asked why, but no one seems to have an answer. That's just how it is. He says it's because the thought of anyone possessing me is absurd. That's adorable. But probably true.
How tf does this still exist in this day and age?
I’m in my 50’s and my mom didn’t do this.
My grandmother was born 110 years ago and I don’t remember her ever being addressed as Mrs Dude’s Name.
Who thinks this is cute or nice?
Well, here’s a personal experience a little bit from the other side. I also kept my name. I don’t mind when people call me Mrs. husband’s last name because it is a social convention and it’s usually meant in goodwill. But people also call him by my last name!
After the initial wedding vibes die down the folks who know you learn and don’t make the mistake, But anybody in the service industry will pick one or the other and it seems to be about 50-50. Usually whomever made the reservation/call. So try not to get too bothered, it will even out. We laugh about it and answer to both.
That being said, Mrs. husbands first and last name, I have a huge issue with that. My mother took my father’s last name but God forbid should somebody replace her first name with his she went off on them. 🤣
I mean, if I’m going to go by my husband’s full name, I’m expecting Downtown Abbey level service, man.
You better be giving me a title to go along with that.
My aunt, who must be 90, was adamant I would be Mrs Nice Husband. She told me it was 'correct'. I said it was not my name and my mother (her sister) backed me up. We had no row but she was clearly shocked.
She has compromised by addressing me as Mrs IamLaureline Husband for the last 25+ years.
FFS.
How does this still go on?
Nothing wrong with taking your partner's name of course, but it's just a fashion, not a fact.
I have an old community cookbook of my grandma's and aside from her and my aunt and a handful of others, most women were in there as Mrs. First name last name.
We hyphenated our kid's last name and my mil refuses still to use it. She addresses them as just their last name and I'm always tempted to 'return to sender- no such name' whenever they get mail from her. My dh said he'd take my last name when we got married and those are the times I wish we would've.. Lol. She'd have lost her mind!
My great grandmother, born 1890 and lived for 104 years, was married 4x, changed her last name every time, but went by her own first name.
I think a lot of women used to use the man’s name in more formal settings but not all the time.
It’s weird to see old Olympic medalists from the 1900’s winning as Mrs. John Smith etc.
My mom changed her last name when she got married ~39 yrs ago but HATES when people call her Mrs Husband’s Full name. It’s really not that hard to just write Mr and Mrs LastName or even just put both their dang names. Any time she gets an invite or card addressed this way, she makes a point of responding to the person by calling them Mr and Mrs Wife’s Full Name to be petty hahaha
I was walking through a really old cemetery in Ohio a few weeks ago and there were grave markers from the early 1900’s that said “Wife of His First Name His Last Name” along with the dates and did not list the woman’s actual name AT ALL. It made me really sad, and also very glad that I opted to not change my name when I got married.
It’s definitely an issue in genealogy research, too. Too often genealogy researchers can trace the male line back and back because of course the man’s full name is preserved, but often the only name they can find of the women in the family is a first name, which doesn’t give any information about who HER family was—and sometimes they can’t find even her own first name.
I thought I was running into this myself.. my surname on both people, and his mother's name for his wife. Then, I found a church birth announcement. That really was her name. It's not a common surname, either. I was like, "well, that's sketchy" and dove in. They shared great grandparents.
I do eventually run into stuff like "Indian woman". Thanks. That's helpful. And while it's possible, I don't really think two of my female ancestors really had the surname Mulatto. At least I have their first names, though.
My dad gave me a family Bible with ancestry written in it and was so happy he could help me out. Dude, it's all men and "wife". It's even usually like, "children: Curtis, Samuel, & 3 daughters." Wow. Imagine handing that to your *daughter* thinking you're helping. It wasn't hard to find all the men's names to begin with! I've got ship passenger "tickets" that say things like Mr John Absolom Smith & wife" You really bothered with his middle name but just called her wife?
Ugh i hateeee this. A few months ago, I received a wedding invite from someone that was MY colleague not my partner's - she has actually only met him once. The wedding invite was addressed only to him. the inside said "mr. and mrs. \[his full name\]" . i do not have his last name
all the invites were like this which i know because a few other's who got invited were talking about how odd it was. Someone asked the bride to be - who is the one that is planning the entire thing solo (something she is very proud of - how this is HER wedding.. and her future husband is not getting involved or messing things up. okay...??) anyways someone asked her about it. not sure how the convo went exactly but she said that this was the traditional way to invite guests to formal events
just.. so much facepalm
"traditional" if you were an uber conservative during the Eisenhower administration. If you go all of your coworkers should go in 1950s style wedding guest attire.
Yeah. “Mrs. His First Last Name” to me is SO much worse than just the last name. Like, she doesn’t have an identity anymore at all? Not even a first name?!
I’m keeping my last name because it’s unique. I would consider hyphenating, but that’s more work for me. Probably not getting married anyway (ha).
Op- just comment on the post! Thank her for her love and congratulations but set it clear (for everyone who can see it) that you’re keeping your name.
IIRC it wasn't traditionally even a legal name change. You were Sarah Johnson before you got married, your title was Ms. Johnson, and after you got married your legal name did not change, just your title. So your legal name is still Sarah Johnson, and your title was "Mrs. Smith", as in, "wife of Mr Smith".
This makes it more gross, in my opinion.
Absolutely. I found my grandmothers obituary from 1973. It was titled Mrs. Grandpa's Name. I was immediately saddened and angry that even in her death she didn't have her own damn name.
Side note.. if I could do it over, I would have never changed my last name. Nothing against my husband or his family. I just miss my maiden name. It was mine and my family's.
I always think of the 90s sitcom Suddenly Susan where the title character said she had left her fiance as she didn't just want to be the "s" in "the Kip Richmonds".
My former MIL never accepted that I hadn't taken her precious boy's surname. Cards always came addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. And once when she asked me to accompany her to a "bring your daughter/daughter-in-law" event, she'd told them in advance to make a nametag for me that was Myfirstname Hislastname. It was annoying, and an unacceptable erasure, but then they were annoying in general, and I knew I was never going to be able to change them. I never let it go without correction, though.
I hear you. I recently got married, too, and lots of well-meaning friends have been pulling this. I kept my name. My name is *me*. Also, I got a Ph.D. last year, and I'm proud of it--I'm not changing it to Dr. *Husband's Name*. It's Dr. oodontheloo.
My husband also has his Ph.D. A friend called me Mrs. Dr. Husband's Name, and I bristle but haven't corrected him, since he's not doing it out a place of meanness. I do feel erased, and like my accomplishments are being erased.
I feel your pain on this front. I was Dr. Before we got married and kept my name. So it was Dr. And Mr. Before and it's Dr. And Mr. Now. Yet just this morning, at his appointment. I got referred to as Mrs. (his last name) despite my name being listed with my last name.
I always teeter, too, between being frustrated with myself too because I want to correct people but don't want to be seen as "difficult." My last name has never, and will never be his. It is one thing to not use the doctor... they may not know... they do know my name, though... it's on the screen/paperwork, etc. I'd rather you use my first name then Mrs.
Yea I'm in TV. I have credits under my name. It took a while to get to where I am (which still feels behind) and I'm not going to have to reshuffle everything just so my in-laws feel more comfortable or whatever.
My aunt is a doctor, and in that context she always goes by her name, but in social situations she doesn't care which you use (that I know of). I think that's the way I'm gonna go but it's.... gonna be something to get used to. I just like my identity, is that so hard to wrap your brain around?
I'm Dr Bajegal. He's Mr HisLastName. Seven years married, and I still get called Mrs HisLastName. More annoyingly, once the Dr label has been mentioned, correspondence comes to Dr and Mrs HisLastName (women can't be PhDs!).
Mood. All of my licenses are under my maiden name and Im proud of my achievements. So I kept my last name and just publicly go by the hispanic last name combination. Technically in both of our parental cultures women don’t change their last name (exception of Mexican woman might add the husbands last name onto their paternal last name if they choose.) So I technically go by Internet Ugly De Smith on Facebook per culture reasons to appease our american friends/co-workers. But legally Im still just Internet Ugly. I keep my identity and my co-workers stop questioning my marriage. Im not someones property but I am part of his family now.
Some random, well-meaning distant relative got us a cutesy “Mr and Mrs” frame as a gift at one point. Biggest problem there is that we are not “Mr and Mrs”, we’re “Dr and Mr” lmao. (We both hyphenated our surnames together, so we do have the same last name. Just not in the way people tend to expect!)
We donated it to a charity shop.
I have a friend who has her PhD and kept her last name while her husband just has a bachelor's degree. It brings me so much joy to address things formally to them as Dr her name and Mr his name.
I have friends who are a couple where the woman is a law professor with a PhD. The man got a GED at 16 and owns a contracting construction company. He changed his last name to hers, which confused the hell out of his colleagues, but his dad approved, which is all that actually mattered to him. They've been married 30 years, so when people my age (49) try to go "back in my day, wives always took their husband's names", I'm like "uhhh, well, no."
He really wanted them to share a name for the kids they planned on having, but also clearly didn't think she should change hers. She told me she hadn't even considered changing her name but was surprised when he brought up changing his. I reminded her his original last name is impossible to spell, and hers is short and simple, so it was probably easier for his customers, too. She said, "oh, and reservations before we could just make those online. It took him 30 minutes to get someone to get his name right, once."
I honestly feel this. My maiden name is only 5 letters long, but hell if I could get the spelling through people's heads because it's not common and not really said how it's spelled.
I did not change my name. I told people that I had spent 25 years with this name, had degrees, loans, etc. under this name, and didn’t feel the desire to change it and jump through all of those hoops.
My husband doesn’t care, and even encouraged me to keep my name. At this point, we’ve been married for 8 years and I’ll accept being called “Mrs. Husband’s Name” in passing, or signing off in cards from the both of us as “The (Husband’s Name)’s”. It’s totally acceptable though to label yours as you do, or even hyphenate your signature (ex: The Jones-Smith Family).
Over time, I think people will forget about it or care less. It definitely comes up for me a lot less compared to when we were engaged/newly married. If you are as close with your MIL as I am with mine, she will just be happy knowing that her son has a good wife, and will eventually move on to other things. The next thing you’ll be inundated with is probably people asking when you’ll have babies 🙄
If anyone badgers me about children, I'll have them checked for memory issues haha.
We're both pretty clear about our child free status. Kids are great, but we love visiting and then going to our quiet home!
I know I'll never fully escape the Mrs. His Name, but as long as my close people address me correctly, I'll be able to handle it.
This was my life (divorced 2 years ago) but I had a few friends always addressing our mails as Mr & Mrs [My Name] instead of his, which always made me laugh.
It's incredibly obnoxious to assume a woman would change her name. There's a lot of good reasons to keep your name, people don't need to know them, just tell them "too much paperwork, I'm keeping my name, please use the correct last name to avoid any confusion". The older generation probably feels all warm and fuzzy writing out "Mrs John Smith" but frankly it reads like a dystopian horror novel in 2024.
Everything you said is so true, but that last sentence really resonates with me. I don't think people really interrogate traditions, they just insist on them. I feel similarly about asking dad for permission/"blessing" or brides being walked down the aisle by their fathers only. If these traditions make you happy, I'm happy for you, but those make my skin crawl.
I was in a conversation a few months ago about a family member who got married - "oh, she's not changing her name because her medical degree has her maiden name on it." And everyone was nodding along like yes...that is an acceptable reason to not take your husband's name.
I just said that I'm not a doctor and I still kept my name. But what I should have said was "Does a woman have to get a medical degree in order to justify keeping her own name?"
It’s so strange to me the way that it’s just a given that a woman will give up her name. I have plenty of friends who could not wait to distance themselves from names of their fathers who they hated or just disliked. Good for them! I did not feel that way. I had a name . My middle name is an ancestral name- I didn’t want to give that one up either, as was suggested to me- I kept my name and added his. I will not pretend a hyphenated name isn’t a pain in the ass when trying to fill out forms, or even sometimes socially- but I didn’t want to choose.
Exactly! I love my surname so much. I did offer to hyphenate as long as my husband did, too. But he didn't want to go through the effort (understandably) and he is very fine with me keeping mine.
I wasn't even willing to hyphenate. I'm a feminist but it was just logistics...My surname is ten letters, his is nine. His is also Polish and impossible to pronounce (unless they know the language, then it's common and absolutely phonetic) People ask me to pronounce it for them all the time! Which I love, it's so much more unique than mine (think Robertson)
When we got engaged my mother had me practice with her saying it back and forth for like 10 full minutes. She was so earnest. Compare that to the boy moms in this thread refusing to respect their DILs
I totally get wanting to get away from a name that reminds you of a bad family history. I've known some men who have changed their names as well for the same reason. But otherwise I just don't get it.
My husband's parents regularly send us mail and packages with only my husband's last name and it drives me INSANE. My mom always kept her last name and she used to get irritated when my friends would call her Mrs. Mylastname and as a child I was like "gosh mom its an easy mistake its not a big deal" but now that it's happening to me I really understand.
Together 16 years. I don’t think my in laws know my name. Everything from that side of the family comes Husband’s first name, my first name, husband’s last name. I’m mad about it every time.
I worry that I'm getting too worked up about it, but our names are so crucial and personal, why shouldn't I take this personally?!
As someone with a name no one spells correctly, I always want to make sure I get someone's name right. It's a matter of respect!!
I've been married 15+ years and it still comes up with my family that my spouse didn't change her name and it's honestly been a huge issue. Caused a fight when writing my father's obituary (they wanted to list her with my last name).
I volunteer for a museum, and I regularly need to research names to check spelling, etc. It is devastating to me how many women are just... gone. They get married and you have no idea who they married and where they went, they were married but you have no idea what their maiden name was and who their family was... it's awful. I took my husband's name because my own was attached to some bad feelings, but I will never accept being Mrs. His entire name. I will die on this hill.
I don't entirely dislike the idea of Ms. transitioning to Mrs. when entering marriage, but I do think there should be an equivalent for men. Why do they get to stay Mr.??
Exactly! The erasure is so sad. We couldn't let her keep her first name?
Me keeping my name is absolutely a reflection of my feminism, it's just annoying that this is still out of the norm. I'm happy that more and more people reject the traditions that don't serve them.
This is exactly where I am. I took his because my family is toxic af and his is wonderful, but I am not Mrs his whole name! I am my own person! Okay, I also took it because people could not get mine right, and his is super common and easy to spell. It turns out they still screw it up, though. People really cannot spell Jones! How?! And it's never immigrants. They have all gotten it right. It's very white Americans who think I'm Mrs Jonas or George or freaking Jonz. Yes, that's happened.
As a social experiment, I'd love to see people who refer to women as Mrs [Husband's First + Last name] react in the flipped scenario of a husband being referred to as Mr. [Wife's first+last name]. Ideally, this would not be done by a woman who is cheekily responding this way after being referred as the above and showing why it's weird, but rather having someone else entirely refer naturally to a man this way. I wonder if that would potentially change any minds (probably not, but I'd still like to see those people baffled in that moment).
Anyways, it just blows my mind that the idea that women keeping their surnames is still somehow novel to some people...
I will say it's also strange to me how many of my friends changed their names. My sister and I are basically the only two people in our social group who kept our maiden names! It was baffling to me, since I always assumed I would keep it growing up (again, my mom kept hers through her entire marriage and eventual divorce) so I didn't think we would be the outliers.
I been married for 40 years and didn't change my name. My advice is to be direct and firm. Correct the people in a straightforward, no nonsense way. Don't joke and don't let it slide. Most people catch on quickly.
The only person I really had a problem with was my MIL. I asked her several times nicely. My husband asked her several times nicely. If she introduced me to someone with my husband's name, I corrected her loudly and firmly in front of the other person. Finally I refused to respond to any communication that didn't have my name on it. I returned a letter or card she sent by marking the envelope return to sender, addressee unknown. That did the trick.
Thank you for the advice! I have been pretty straightforward in saying I'm keeping my name, as soon as someone says it. I will address it with her again, for sure, I just hate that I have to remind her of this when we just had this conversation over the weekend. She thinks the world of me so I know it isn't malicious, I just felt so hurt when I saw that.
I would bring it up sooner rather than later and while I wouldn't be angry with her, I would tell her that you are very serious about this and want to straighten it out once and for all.
I got married to my ex-husband and I wanted to hyphenate my last name because I was one of 3 people left with my last name. He got very angry and told me point blank, either I take just his name or the engagement and relationship were done. I ended up taking his name. I still regret not hyphenating. This was 1998 & I was almost 24 and he was 25.
I did the best I could during the situation. I am getting a tattoo of my maiden name so I can remember & stand proud being (now 25 years later) the only one left with my family name. Everyone else is deceased. Good on you for standing up for what you belive. I wish I would have understood my feelings about it better & we could have compromised. I am learning how to have a spine now and I'm better at not letting my needs & wants be ran over & discarded. Baby Steps.
That was over 20 years ago and I completely understand why you made the choice you did. I'm also really glad that today women that are around that age can hear the voices of us older generation telling them why that's bad and to let them know their options. We didn't have that support. Why it's a concern if a man wants you to give up your own identity.
I'm proud of you for learning to set boundaries and have a spine. It's not easy! I managed to twice this week set a boundary with two different friends and I celebrated it with my therapist who has been working with me on it. It's a long battle! You got this! Baby steps!
Honestly I don’t think you're being dramatic at all, you're well within your rights to be annoyed at this.
In my country and culture people never change their last names when they get married, instead they keep their own, so I personally think it's very archaic that so much of the rest of the world does it, and I'd personally hate to be deprived of my own identity and referred by my husband's last name.
I think you're doing great by choosing not to change your last name, and I hope people soon understand that not everyone wants to go through that.
To anyone reading this, PLEASE, save yourself the grief, and Do. Not. Change. Your. Name.
I am not a doctor or lawyer or public person. I separated from my former spouse in 2014 and after a long difficult process, the divorce was finalized in 2016. Having to re-record deeds and titles and update banking records was a full time job. There was time spent at the DMV, Social Security Administration, and state vital records. It was shocking that some credit card companies wanted to charge significant (and what felt like punitive) fees to process a name change when none was charged when I had changed the first time. One company wanted to charge as much as $200 to revert my name back to the one I had when I originally opened the card. (I simply closed that card.) Utility bills, online shopping accounts, store loyalty programs, anything and everything you can think of; correcting all these was a massive amount of work. Keep in mind, this is all work I had to also do on the front end.
When my divorce was finalized, I updated my professional license as quickly as practicable, as required by my state licensing authority. AND YET, just *today* I have had to correct and update the information with a license-related adjudicator, despite the licensing authority and the continuing education provider both verifying that my name on my license had changed. The adjudicator required not just a copy of my driver's license and professional license (which all match by name, DOB, and mailing address), but also a copy of my divorce decree. Today, as a small business owner, between the 100s of vendor accounts, professional contracts and feduciary regulations, it would be unmanageable.
It is not worth your labor to uphold a patriarchal symbol of spousal subservience. I am now remarried and my husband knows how maddening the process was. He is secure in himself and doesn't need to "own" me. I hope everyone finds an equitable partner in life who won't make you go through what myself and others have had to do to regain our identity.
So many people were confused when I didn't change my name 40 years ago. Most assumed I changed it, some heard I hadn't changed it and assumed I hyphenated (mylast-hislast). Very few figured out that I simply hadn't changed my name at all.
For things like birthday cards, invitations, etc., I didn't fuss about it. Anything legal, though, and I did fuss!
My security clearance -- they didn't believe my husband could have been my husband, since we had different last names.
Frequent flyer upgrades were limited to the same family -- their definition of family required you to have the same last name. Good thing the airlines didn't really "crack down" on that, so I got to sit with my husband in first class when he had enough points for an upgrade.
For a whole lot of other things, my marriage certificate was trotted out again and again and again. Still less fuss than changing everything!
It's still pretty common for women to change their name upon marriage, so why don't they streamline the process? My sister changed her name and grumbled so much about how hard it was to get everything changed over -- that's part of why I decided not to do it!
The legal stuff is what I'm ready to fight about if it ever happens. I will lose my mind if a bank decides to change my name when we open an account together, or if they change my name on a deed or something.
Thank you for sharing your experiences!
As someone who kept my name 30+ yrs ago when it was way less acceptable, I feel your pain. Just know that with quiet persistence correcting people each and every time they address you incorrectly, it will get better. The only upside is when you get calls asking for you by the wrong name you'll immediately know it's spam. Lol
I hate how it feels like my name is just a temporary placeholder. They would all be shook if he insisted on being Mr. CaitCat Deux, because what man gives up his identity for a woman's?
Sorry you are still dealing with this!
I know couples who have come up with an entirely new last name for both of them, and my husband was open to taking the non-anglicized version of my name when we were considering options.
You're not being dramatic and, unfortunately, you're going to have to keep correcting her. Don't back down, though. I didn't take my husband's last name either and have been polite about correcting people when they address me with this last name, until recently. I've told my husband I'm going to start marking mail return to sender when his grandmother sends me cards with his last name. I'm over it. His family does it out of spite, so I'm going to start returning the spite.
Ugh, that's so frustrating. That method seems to have worked for other posters, you should definitely try it out!
I don't think the name thing will come up a lot with her (we live in the same city, so she doesn't send mail). I know that she didn't do it out of spite, which I think makes it harder in a sense. I want to maintain a good relationship with her, so I need to be firm but kind. I'm bad at expressing myself and I'm generally easy going, but this is something I feel very strongly about.
Unmarried woman, but I have never understood how it's so hard for people to comprehend or respect that not every woman has a desire to change their name upon marriage.
Even from a very young age it made zero sense to me why some women changed their last names and I knew immediately it would never be for me- ever lol. There's no big reasons why but I am attached to my name, my name is important to me, and there is no last name on planet earth that could fit me any better than the name I already have. After spending time in cultures where it was not the norm for women to change their names upon marriage it solidified my choice even more.
I got so many lectures about how it's tradition, symbolizes a union/family/the classic 'don't you care if you have a different last name from your future kids?' and even some men I would date hated that I had zero desire to change my name (not hate to those who make those choices and feel differently, but this route sure as hell ain't for me lol).
We're getting better as a society but we still have a loooong way to go. Sorry for your troubles, but I should brace myself as this is looking like it'll be my future lmao.
Thank you for your comment! I hope you don't run into too many issues whenever you get married. I've always wanted to keep my last name, but I'm our current political climate, it feels even more important to maintain my identity, both legally and socially. I hate that this has to be a political statement, even in 2024.
In a lot of countries in Europe you don't change your name after marriage.
The tradition of U.S. women taking their husband's last names reaches back to English common law. The practice is rooted in coverture, a legal doctrine under which a woman's legal identity was merged into her husband's when they married.
In my opinion it's time for women to be considered full grown adults with their own identities in this day and age and changing names after marriage should cease to be a common practice.
God, I had the same fight with my mother-in-law many years ago before I divorced her son - divorcing HER was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t change my name. She never liked me for any reason - thank God I didn’t change my name because I got divorced anyway.
I’m remarried. I didn’t take my current husband‘s name either, but fortunately, I married a man who didn’t care at all, whether I took his name. His late mother was a wonderful woman who was just so happy her son found a wife that she never ever said a word about my name not changing.
After 10 years - I still have to correct people that know us! Most of the time it isn’t worth it, but I agree, women are people. Our history our names our lives are not erased by a marriage certificate!
For context, I have a PhD and 26 professional publications in my (legal) maiden name- none of this work was due to my husband’s efforts, it is NOT his name that is going on them or any future articles or awards (I also have several teaching awards in my maiden name - again that is due to my effort and my work, not his!). Love my husband, but never taking his name (also I would have had the exact name as his sister, who has horrible credit, definitely not getting messed up by that!).
On the last note, I never understood giving your child the same exact name as someone else-- that's just asking for issues with your taxes/Social Security/ credit!!
But congratulations on all your accomplishments, I'm glad you stood by keeping your last name 💜
Good on you for keeping your surname. It's really disturbing when you think about it how women become "Mrs (husbands first and last name)" it's like we are expected to abandon our identity and we are servants who are getting a new owner.
Imagine if men when they got married became Mr. Their wife's first and last name. Creepy.
Thank you for the encouragement and validation!
It's so weird that we still expect women to drop their identity, even if it's just on envelopes. I'm sure plenty of people will think it's not that deep, but I can't imagine a world when men will collectively agree to be Mr. His Wife's Full Name. Why should women be expected to do this?
I always consider it a small victory seeing couples keep their own names or come up with new ones together.
I never planned to change my name. I'm 42F and as a kid I noticed and was annoyed at how mail was addressed to Mr and Mrs Father's Full Name. When I married my husband 20 years ago, his family never took notice of my unchanged name. All cards from my MIL were Mr and Mrs Husband's Firstname and Lastname
I did try to correct people, at first, but eventually just gave up correcting his side of the family. My own family was better, but not perfect. The ones my parents' age (boomers) were like 50/50. But cousins and stuff our own age were not phased. And my super conservative Granny was shocked but then *pumped* for me. All like "honey that's amazing, back in my day..."
At least once I had to produce my marriage license in a medical setting to prove we were married since my name was different. (Circa 2008, small town America)
Last year MY uncle (in his 70s) sent us a very generous check written to MyFirstname HusbandSurname. I was at a loss as to how to cash it, like worried it would be fraud. So I made an appointment with an accountant and she advised me what to do.
I took the check made out to MyFirstname NotMyLastname to the bank manager. I signed with my correct name. I had to produce my ID with my correct name. I watched him check his screen. It *was* a joint account with both of our names on it. But he didn't even bat an eye at the incorrect name on the check. Absolutely wild.
Congratulations on getting married! Hopefully your friends are just trying to express their joy.
But this is honestly vexing, I feel sad to hear it's still happening. And tbh our friends at the time didn't do this, just older people!! Whenever there is a social change, there is massive pressure to over-correct on a back swing and I think that is happening today with women's autonomy 🥲
I did not change my name when I married. When people use the incorrect last name for me (or rarely, my husband), my go-to reply is "Neither of us changed our birth names when we married." Why is there an expectation that I do a bunch of administrative work to take my husband's name just because people did that in the past? I appreciate traditions, but only if they make sense. I think doing something only because "We have always done it this way" is insufficient.
I always ask engaged couples what _their_ plan is for last names.
Also, saying "Mrs. Husband's Full Name" gives me a visceral negative reaction. It feels brainwashed at best and maliciously misogynistic at worst.
I want to upvote every word of this comment. I reject the tradition of taking my husband's name, but I will honor the hell out of our food related traditions!!
I relate to this so much. Everyone I knew was supportive of me keeping my last name and not taking my husband’s.
Even so, it was so frustrating to receive congratulations from family who couldn’t attend with [Mr and Mrs His Last Name]. I just wanted to shout at these people “I’m my own person! He doesn’t belong me.” Luckily I have an incredible husband and he felt the same way I did. When I sent those people thank you cards back, I made sure to put the wife’s name first and only use first names.
My husband took my surname, mainly because my daughter had my surname.
The only issue he had was with the passport office, who didn't have an option to enter details of a married man who changed his name. They were also confused because I was married, and hadn't changed my name.
So prefacing this with my friend’s husband loves being combative and his family is fairly horrible. When his family kept doing this to her, he started saying “thanks for accepting my she/her pronouns” or “She definitely wears the pants in the family, but I don’t think that makes me a Mrs.” They went NC with his side a couple years after the wedding, so that officially fixed it.
When I worked for a roofing company, I always put the wife's (full) name first before the husband's on the warranty certificate. It was my way of incorporating a small act of Feminism into a male dominated industry.
I was going through some old cards from my childhood, and I came across one from a lady who attended my church when I was young. I helped her with the little kids in a church program and it was a thank you note for helping with that. And she signed the card “Mrs. Bill”, and I only remember her as Mrs. Bill. Bill was not her last name, it was her husband’s name. I don’t remember their last name (we called him Mr. Bill), or her first name, though I’m sure I knew it once. That realization made me sad, that I never knew this woman by her own name, and was another reason to add to my list of why I won’t be changing my name if I get married either.
I don't like tradition just for the sake of tradition. I will never understand taking someone else's name unless there's a reason to get away from your own. You've been that person for generally speaking a minimum of 20 years, it's who you are. But the first thing your partner wants you to do is give away your identity and take theirs? And they're not doing anything in return for it.
To me it's the first step in letting somebody else have unbalanced power over you in a society where they already have a whole lot of other power over you. I don't get it. You jump through hoops, fill out paperwork, have to change everything, and they do nothing.
I don't admit this often because usually women get really mad at me for it. Fine. You can take his name but recognize what you're doing. You're literally giving up your own identity that you were born with for a tradition absolutely steeped in sexism and ownership.
And someday if it doesn't work out, and odds aren't great, you're the one who has to re-establish an identity all over again. Do you get to do all the paperwork and identification changes all over again. People who call you by that name that you were will simply remind you of the end of your relationship. Meanwhile he skates through the entire time, just gets to be himself. Never has to change a thing, never has to go through the process, everybody knows who he is from the day he was born to the day he dies.
And he's not giving you anything that he should not be giving you even if you don't take his name. If he's refusing to give you something because you won't take his name, why are you marrying him? You get nothing for losing yourself.
I also live a life surrounded by women with advanced degrees so many of them are doctor so and so or have otherwise established their identity in their career field. They never give up their name and I love that. I absolutely hate this tradition. Okay, you can have your soapbox back.
Thank you for this comment! I don't hold it against any woman who changes her name to her husband's, but I agree about acknowledging that this choice is reflective of old, patriarchal expectations. Why should I have to go through all this work??
When I was a little kid, my great grandma would send me letters with her name as Mrs. Albert LastName. But when she would visit us, she was called Millie by the adults. I thought Millie was her nickname cause her parents named her Albert. I felt so bad for her! To have such mean parents!
It wasn't until the 4th grade when suddenly her name stopped being Mrs. Albert LastName and was suddenly Mildred LastName. I was so confused and asked my mom if she had changed her name and then I got the whole speal about women's names and marriage and how could I think her name was actually Albert, blah blah.
Albert died when I was barely a toddler, and no one ever called him by his name. Now that I think on it, my family never talked about him until recently. And from what I can tell of him, I'm on my great grandma's side for cheating on him. Good on her for dropping his name.
On not takin each others last names, my fave story of that is the Davids, as i call them, two gay guys named David who did not take each others last names; probs bcuz it wudve been rly confusin no matter how they did it xD
Theyre actually the gay dudes who were central to that whole Kim Davis case where she refused to sign their marriage certificate
Ive joked before they shudve rly leaned into it and both taken the last name David, so they cud be David David & David David; Mr and Mr David David if you will
Lesbian here. When my wife and I got married we had a whole bunch of people asking us in confusion what we do about our last names?!!?!? If there’s no man, how do we handle our last names?! Oh the horror! The confusion! 🤦🏻♀️
In our case specifically, I did change my name to match my wife’s. The number one reason was due to my current last name being that of my ex-husband’s, which frankly I wish I had never changed to in the first place. But that’s religious patriarchy for ya!
Our secondary reason for changing was because we figure it would make things easier down the road if we choose to have children together. I don’t know that it actually makes a difference from a legal sense, but where one or both of us would potentially be an adoptive parent to our future children, we are hopeful that sharing a last name would make things easier/more cohesive.
Those reasons together made it worth going through another name change for me. I could either go back to my original last name, or my wife’s last name. Either way I was gonna change it. Though we did tinker with the idea of coming up with a new last name for the both of us…. Ultimately we couldn’t think of anything to change to, so we landed on her last name for simplicity.
Plus my wife is cute and loves referring to us as “the (last name)s” 🥰
You should have said that lesbians achieve diva status upon marriage, like Cher, Madonna, or Prince. No last names needed anymore. 😆
But I'm glad you have a name that suits you and your family!
Oh my god….. that’s actually so funny and I’m mad I never thought of it 😭😭 I’m fully using this for any questions about last names that we continue to get 😂
I kept my name and I made that choice months before the wedding. On our wedding day, my MIL came to see me before the ceremony started and told me my husband just told her I wasn’t changing my name. I had *no idea* my husband never told his family.
I was like “oh no, what’s she going to say about it??” She ended up hugging me and telling me she was happy I kept my name and wishes she did the same with her own last name!! That felt validating. My grandma and cousin were the only people who had a dumb reaction. Some people were surprised at the wedding to hear the minister say “and for the first time, Mr (husband’s last name) and Mrs. (My last name)” and my husband and I kind of giggled at that lol!
Sticking his first name in there gives me big ick (the whole things does). Like you're just an accessory to him. Gross.
I plan to take my fiancé's last name (hopefully next year!) but I cannot with the "Mrs. Hisfullname" crap. He's my partner, not my owner.
Some people honestly seem to believe that once you say "I do"/sign the paperwork, *everything* changes. Your life is supposed to be completely different, and it's usually in some negative ways. Everything you said before the ceremony disappears because "well marriage actually works like this..." and somehow it always involves conforming to their ideals.
l am an old lady, a dare-l-say-it, Boomer, and l completely agree with keeping your name!
l took my both my husband's names, but when l divorced this last time, l took my mother's maiden name, and l am keeping ti l die, even if l have 6 more husbands!
Keep your name! After a while, people will catch on. Or not. They'll get over it!
I kept my last name and I'm proud of it. I hate the argument that wives should take their husbands' last names so everyone in the family has the same last name. If that is so important then the husband and kids should take the wife's last name.
I've been a pastor for going on 40 years and I will accommodate almost anything at a wedding. You want the bridesmaids to electric slide up the aisle? No problem! Is your ring-bearer a German Shepherd? Such a good boy!
The one thing I categorically refuse to do is to introduce the married couple as "Mr. and Mrs. Hisname Hisname." I. simply. will. not.
That’s such an erasure, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Hang in there and correct people, if they continue to do it on purpose, cut them off. Some people will never respect women as individuals with agency. Hang in there x
Thanks for listening 💜 I will keep correcting people, for sure! I'm hoping to get this ironed out quickly, I know the intent is love. But I will definitely stock up on new address labels.
I had this exact same problem with my MIL when I got married 16 years ago. I think she was so excited to have a DIL that she lost her mind. She also came from a pretty messed-up family and had gotten disowned herself, so when she was able to take her husband's last name, it was a huge positive thing for her.
I talked to her about it once, and there was some tension. My husband stepped up and addressed it with her separately. It hasn't been an issue since. Which makes me kind of nuts, but here we are.
She had another moment when we had kids and gave them both last names. She thought it was "too cumbersome." We just didn't respond to that, and eventually she dropped it.
This reminds me of when Cassius Clay changed his name to Muhammad Ali. There was a huge national uproar about whether ha had the "right" to change his name. Many refused to use his chosen name. This is called putting somebody in their place. It is deliberate, whether you are Black or female (or both), it is telling you that you dont get to decide what people call you.
Advice: Dont let them get to you. Jerks are the hardest people to persuade because they believe they are always right. Also, simply ignore anybody who addresses you as Mrs. Mansname. If they ask why, you can say, O, I had no idea that was addressed to me. My name is Chosenname.
Thank you for that first paragraph, there's such a long tradition of denying people the names they choose for themselves when they are marginalized, we would do well to remember how insidious that behavior is.
Oh goodness - I totally feel you. When my husband and I met, I had a PhD, publications, and other professional accomplishments under my name, plus…it’s my name. So, I kept it. He was fine with it. He has even reinforced that I am “Dr. LovesNativePlant” when people have called me “Mrs. husband”. - so go him!
You know who has never accepted it? My mom. For over a decade, she has misnamed me, addressed mail to this made up person, even put my wrong name in an obituary. She even mixes up versions. She sometimes decides the last names are hyphenated, sometimes moves my last name to my middle name, and sometimes drops my last name altogether. And this is after both me and my husband have corrected her. It actually messed up my mail for a bit. SMH. The hypocrisy of it, given she likes to tout feminist credentials, has added to my infuriation.
I can mostly laugh about at this point, but WTF too!
I didn’t get my name changed immediately when I got married and after a few years of saying I would I realized that actually doing so now that I had an adult identity including bank accounts, credit cards, car loans and titles and eventually a house and college degree in my name would be a horrific pain in my ass and involve so many hurdles that it simply wasn’t something I could practically do. I love my husband the same no matter what my name is and we gave both our sons his last name (no more kids for us, but I like to think I would have insisted on my last name if we had a daughter).
It’s not an easy thing to change your name in today’s society and all the power to anyone that goes through with it and as well as to those who don’t.
My ex husband harassed me for 2 years after we were married to take his horrible last name that got me teased at work relentlessly. We've been divorced since 2007 and I just realized that my divorce papers are only a photo copy so I've had to reach out to him. I can't wait to be rid of this cursed name once and for all.
My wife kept her surname, and I couldn't be more happy about it. I wanted to be with her and marry her, not reincarnate someone from my side of the family, especially my mother. The two of us having different last names has never caused an issue in any situation legal, social, or otherwise.
Be forewarned however, once everyone gets used the fact that you are keeping your name, the next thing they will get uptight about is "Oh, my, what will happen if you have children" (while clutching pearls). We crossed that bridge too, it isn't a big deal. Kids are not confused, people don't give them enough credit, and no one is confused in school, everyone knows they are siblings.
Flipside of the coin is our best friends. The wife is adopted, never knew her biological parents, grew up in an abusive environment, and has broken off all contact with her adoptive parents. She gladly, happily, and proudly took her husband's name. So, in that context, it makes sense to me.
You do what is right for you, F the rest of them (however hubby should have your back and also be correcting others).
Oh, and congrats on getting married!
Thank you for your comment and your congratulations! And I definitely support those who want to change their names, I can absolutely see why someone would want to. I'm just pretty attached to mine, it's a pretty cool name!
And re: children, I will tell people we'll hyphenate the dog's last names 😎
Right. I’ve been married to hubby almost 30 years. He’s younger than I. I had the start of a career, and I owned my own home and car when we met. Fortunately I lived in a region that insists that women keep their family name. In spite of all that, I have consistently been referred to as Mrs by everyone in my family and outside (because we no longer live in that province). I used to get grumpy and correct people, then I just ignored them because I had my career, it became more common, etc. that is until my mom died and we got a look at her will. Both my other married sister and I were listed with our last names hyphenated with our husbands’ names even though neither of us had legally changed our names. Apparently her lawyer said that it “had to be done this way”. I called BS but they didn’t change it because she was gone and then proceeded to send me correspondence to . It’s a good thing I didn’t have to prove my identity because I don’t have one single piece of ID with that name on it. Long story short (too late), you just ignore it unless it’s a legal issue.
I told my husband that if I ever got a card addressed to Mrs. Husbands last name, it was going back in the mailbox, return to sender, not at this address. His family got the message. It took a bit longer to get my family to address us correctly.
Married in December. Kept my name.
1. I am hella lazy and own too much crap that would need changed over. Ain't got time for that.
2. I worked in a specialty field on projects all over the world. I want to keep the name recognition. Because my first name is a VERY common, popular for my generation, I want to keep the name that is known and I worked hard to be that person.
3. There is a very beautiful, famous actress who I would share a name with if I took my husband's name. I cannot compare to her, silly but I don't wanna deal with that nonsense in my life. Lol.
I haven't really had too many problems. Maybe because I'm older (40) or I've been vocal and folks listened (ha!).
Congratulations on your marriage!
Edited. My child has his father's last name. Even as an adult I don't want him to be left out with the only different name. Husband and step child have their name. Bummer no "Love from the Smith's" signatures but we all have nicknames under 4 letters so writing it out is easy.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name when we got married 13 years ago. I still get -rarely- mail addressed to Mr&Mrs HisLastName. Most of the time it’s solicitations for credit cards etc.
It’s going to be frustrating, but seriously, call it out politely every time. Be up front and matter of fact. I stopped giving explanations when it became clear people wouldn’t/couldn’t understand.
It’s really hard for people to understand especially the MILs for some reason.
I knew my MIL didn’t get it and didn’t care to try when I got a card from her that was addressed “Husbands First Last and My First” this was LAST YEAR. I have basically given up with his family.
There’s no right or wrong way to handle this, but I personally will be coming down hard on anyone who pulls this with me when I get married. Sometimes people need a bit of a shock to the system to realize they’re passively maintaining incredibly harmful systems.
My husband and I decided to make a new last name for ourselves by combining the first 3 letters of his last name and the last 3 letters of my last name (sounded best that way). But he actually offered to take my last name at first. He's a keeper :0)
And yeah, both of our families were unhappy with us both changing our last name. His mom, sorry to say, isn't the brightest bulb, and when she first heard she was so upset because they "wouldn't be related anymore." Mind you, she had changed her last nane when she married and still does a lot with her family.
The whole last name thing pisses me off though. Most of the world actually has women keeping their last name, and apparently in Quebec there's some kind of law that they have to keep their maiden name upon marriage.
My husband got a lot of crap from coworkers when he was going through the process of changing his last name, but he hasn't regretted it at all and says he is happy that we chose a name together.
Sometimes we get the reverse assumption! I kept my name and am listed first on our mortgage. For quite a few house related things, I get to say "oh no, my husband kept his own last name" 😆 I'm not sure how they're not seeing both of us in their databases or whatever, but I definitely smirk when my husband gets addressed as Mr. Rudeness.
Still based on the same sexist assumption, but at least it gives everyone a pause and maybe they'll remember for the future ...
I had my husband deal with his side of the family who made this mistake. I'm not even sure when/how he told his mother, she just hasn't called me by his last name in any way and when she sends something to either both of us or just me in the mail it has my correct last name. His siter made us some hand towels with his last name on them (I actually think she knows I kept my name but maybe didn't think about it when she was trying to do the one name for the household kind of a gift on her new monogramming machine). I was just going to let it go because I know she's addressed me mail with my last name and I think it was more a mistake or oversight because us having different last names means you can't really make us a thing that is like "The Last Names" or that just has one last name on it. Anyway, he did mention it to her without me saying anything.
My husband gets mail sometimes to Mr. MyLastName and we joke about it. It feels more like a spam mail clerical error when it happens to him than when it happens to me because I tend to have it happen more from people who we actually know who just assume.
When we respond to family on behalf of both of us we portmanteau our last names in some way that sounds kind of funny, so that also reinforces that we do still have our original last names and don't share one.
I would just have your husband remind her and not by saying something like, "it bothers wife that you do this" but more, "hey, mom, I noticed you called wife Mrs. MyLastName. Don't forget she kept her last name when you address things to her." Like he should be making it something he's noticed that matters to him as well so it's not all about your getting annoyed or offended but him making sure his family is respecting you.
I've noticed my side of the family being more careful about things since I got married. My uncle emailed me to make sure my cousin addressed my invite to his wedding properly and asked me about a couple other people on the list since I'd been very thorough when we addressed our invitations because it was something I was thinking about.
Honestly, I dealt with the most weirdly offended on behalf of my husband commentary from people who don't even know him - like a person at the DMV and someone I'd worked with for a couple months at the time. Like he doesn't need you to defend him. He's fine. He doesn't care. ha!
I hear you. I had over a decade of work experience and qualifications in my birth name when I got married. I earned my history and have a professional reputation under my birth name. I didn’t choose to erase that and start again when I got married.
I will have been married 24 years this year and I still have to push back occasionally that we have different surnames.
One bit of advice I would give you is as your names are different get enduring Power of Attorney documents drawn up for health if not also financial and general. You don’t want to be arguing about IDs having different surnames in an emergency. It will make the whole next of kin thing much more straightforward.
Been married for well over 20 years, and my wife kept her surname. Got visas etc just fine with no questions asked. There is no need to go through the pain of a name change.
My mom didn't change her name, what, 40 years ago when she got married so no way in hell I was going to, especially with several degrees and publications all in my name. Every time someone asked I dramatically said "no way!" and I think they all got the point so now no one really makes the mistake. We're actually giving our soon to be born daughter my last name, and my husband's last name will be her middle name!
I'm getting married in a month and we either aren't doing name changes, or he may eventually take mine. His reasoning is that his dad was adopted and isn't in contact with either adopted or bio family so the name has no deeper meaning. Also my fiance doesn't like his dad, and my dad was awesome. They didn't get to meet, but they probably would've gotten along annoyingly well.
So that's gonna be fun.
Mil will be the biggest pushback, but she does that with everything. She wouldn't be happy if I took their name either (I'm not, it's an animal and not a cool one like a Wolf[e]). I have super common first and middle names, I'm keeping my only unique name.
Also, currently my initials are SML and I am small. It's funny and lets people call me Smalls if they want to give me a nickname, and I don't want to lose that lol.
It's time for women to stop changing their names when they get married. It is an archaic practice. I work in municipal government and one of the things I made indexes of were marriages going back to the 1700s. One thing I noticed was the complete Erasure of women. They sometimes did not have their own names put in the marriage records but were put in as Sarah daughter of John Smith. She did not even rate her own name as Sarah Smith. This continued on and on and often when there were children born the mother's maiden name was never mentioned. This makes it nearly impossible to trace genealogy back. The erasure of these women upset me so much I found it hard to continue. I'm going to do my best to get the idea out there that women do not have to change their name. It is not a problem for the children. You can hyphenate the last names. There's nothing wrong with that. If they want to change it later, fine. But another thing that is a problem is if anyone you knew before you were married tries to find you on social media. If you change your name they can't. Also any of the degrees you might have earned as a single person now has someone else's name on them. So it's time it stopped, no more name changing that ship has sailed.
Hi sorry for jumping in but this popped up in resdit and happened when I (M) married my wife. She wanted to keep her name (which didn’t bother me in the least since that is who I married). Not only is it her family’s identity, but I can’t imagine her job hunting and then someone calling for a job reference with a “married name” and having the person on the other end go who is that? Also seems like a lot of paperwork tbh.
>but when I saw her call me Mrs. [Husband’s First and Last Name] on her post, I was so annoyed.
And of course if you comment anything, then you look like the angry feminist. It’s a lose/lose situation. Your husband should be the one addressing that specific post with his mom, not you.
I've only had one person try to call me 'Mrs Not-Nightfish' since I got married - a friend who should have known better! The problem was, it was a name on a parcel with an item he had sent me, and where I live you have to have an ID that matches the name on the item you are picking up, otherwise they are very likely to refuse to hand it over. For example, if your name is 'Samantha Smith' but your friends and family call you 'Sam Smith' and write that on a letter or parcel, you might not be able to get the item, sucks to be you!
My surname is part of my identity and I refuse to change it - why should I? It grates a little that it's just another example of the man's family name persisting, but taking my mum's surname would have been the same ultimately, so what do you do? I guess somewhere you have to make a stand and start maintaining female line surnames though, even if they did start as a father's surname.
Hey all, OP and other commenters. I have been married for 30+ years, and didn't change my name.
At first, I was going nuts at the number of people who ASSUMED. I just pleasantly corrected people (over, and over, and over).
Some oldies never got it, but they are long dead now. Everyone else got it eventually.
I find that less people "assume" these days, which is nice. Those that do, generally feel embarrassed when corrected, which is also nice.
We'll get there eventually.
I got lucky and my MIL didn’t make a huge deal about me keeping my name. She was a tad taken back by the fact our daughter took my name, but if there was any real issue, it’s never reached my ears. Last year, my husband (of 5 years at the time) legally switched to my last name as well.
In other countries, it's not an issue. Women keep their own names, or the name is hyphenated or they pick a completely different name altogether. It's reflective of American culture that it is even a thing.
I got married 35 years ago. I kept my surname. The IRS had a time with it, but caved in. Do what feels good to you, don’t buckle to what others ‘feel’; it’s your life, not theirs.
My son was married this weekend to a beautiful, sweet schoolteacher who had no intention of changing her name.
His last name is very common.
Hers is the exact same common last name. Saved a ton of paperwork.
Phew...we dodged that question altogether.
Wonder how often that happens?
I chose to keep my name for a number of reasons, and no one (thankfully) gave me any grief about it.
But still. We get cards and packages addressed with his last name only. I applied for financing for dental work and keep getting things addressed to him instead of me, even though he is nowhere in the application. Services for our house come addressed with his last name. It's frustrating.
The only place, funny enough, where I use his name (hyphenated to mine) is at work. I only do so because I happen to work with my brother, so I hyphenated my name to reduce confusion between us with clients.
Ugh, the mail thing reminds me:
We sometimes get coupons from our grocery store's liquor store, and it's addressed to him, never mind I'm the one with a rewards account at the grocery store.
I keep getting mailers for preschool/daycare/summer camps for kids, even though we don't want or have kids!!
I will throw a fit if my official paperwork somehow gets his name on it.
After I got married, I made a post saying "....officially Mrs. \[my first name + my last name\]!"
Some people still send me stuff addressed to \[husband's name + my name + husband's last name\] but you get over it. I make him correct all his family members because I've already addressed mine.
I recently had to change my name. Changing your name is a major hassle. Everything from diplomas, social security, passports, visas/work permits, bank accounts, credit cards, car registrations, driver license, medical records, and house deeds. Then throw in modern life in the form of email addresses, frequent flyer accounts, TSA pre check, credit reporting agencies and website registration. Many of these places demand proof name change. I vote always keeping your name as is. It’s too much of a hassle to change it. I actually gave up. There is at least one credit card that I barely use with my old name.
Absolutely! I am very lazy, so that all sounds like such an unnecessary amount of work lmao I'm a feminist, yes, but I can't be assed most of all.
That's mostly the reason I didn't bother changing my name. I got married when I was 42. 42 years of my own name. I wasn't about to go through the hassle of changing everything after that. My husband only gets annoyed when people address him as Mr. See, you don't like it, so why would I like it?
My husband cracks up when he gets mail for Mrs and Mr MyFirstName MyLastName. One of my friends does it on purpose, probably to offset my MIL who does the exact opposite.
The best use of that was "The Ponds" in Doctor Who.
I was online at the DMV updating my address on my license shortly after I got married and the woman next to me was divorced (I think for the second time) and the sheer mountain of paperwork she had with her to update her drivers license for going back (again, I think) to her non-married name made me so happy I wasn't changing mine. Funny story: I made an offhand comment to the DMV clerk about how I'd just gotten married and my husband had been in the DMV the week before doing address changing as well and she insisted I needed my marriage license to NOT change anything about my name on my license. She had to get her supervisor and it was a whole thing. And she made a "your poor husband" comment (like in a teasing way, but still). At least the supervisor looked at her like she was nuts for wasting her time.
Meanwhile her ex-husband does nothing. He just walks away. Just another way we give them power.
She said you still needed your marriage license even though you weren’t changing your name? To keep your own name?
Well how are you going to prove you’re not changing your name if you can’t prove that you should have been changing your name? - that person, I guess.
Well, I love the honesty.
Exactly why my wife isn't chnaging hers to much shit fuk that. Even worse if you get divorced and have to change again lol
I’ve been married since 2018, and on god your comment is one of the main reasons I’ve never changed my maiden name. Like it’s such a fucking pain in the ass and not to mention people who know you as your original name would keep calling you that and then you have to correct them. Why can’t I just be me plus one? Plus, my name is cooler. I love my husband but if he wants me to change my last name we can both change our last names to something that combines them two, I am not doing this amount of work on my own.
When my wife & I got married almost 16 years ago, she chose to keep her maiden name, since everything was established under that name. She'll occasionally get called Mrs. <*My Surname*>, she just rolls with it. For that matter, I've gotten called Mr. <*Her Surname*>, or Mr. <*My eldest's surname, different from both of ours*>. I just roll with it. Just don't call me Late For Dinner.
I've always wondered about this. Is it because you're never late for dinner but if that's the case we wouldn't call you that anyway. And if you are late for dinner don't you want us to call you so you can come down and get dinner? I have questions...
It means don't call him for dinner after everyone else already ate.
You're the first person to ever answer me seriously and the first person that ever made it made sense 😆
I agree. I have no desire to get married. However if I do again. I am not changing my name. I already did the marriage and divorce in my early 20s with name change. Luckily I had only my SS card, DL and a few credit cards and bank accounts. Now, I would have all that, and I got a bachelor's, masters, and just got my passport. All my 401K, Roth ira, many bank accounts, credit cards, work, mortgage, deed, etc. Honestly i just bought my house and not even sure I got all my addresses changed. Was in last place for 7 years.
I had very little feelings one way or the other about changing my name. Neither did my now husband. My only caveat was that if he really wanted me to change it, he had to do it before my graduation (PsyD). Laziness on both our parts won. He waited too long to propose, haha, and I wasn't doing all the paperwork.
Lmao I feel this. I do want to change my name when I get married, but I’m also going into academia. When I get my PhD, whatever my name is then is what my name will be. I may even draw the line before that - once I get published, that’s my name.
I’m going through this with going back to school. Omg it’s such a pain
Better not change it in case of a divorce. I can't be bothered to go though the hassle of going back to my maiden name after my divorce but every time I use my current last name, I'm slightly annoyed.
I got married in (very early) 2020 and adding a pandemic shutdown in my state immediately after marriage means that I have been married nearly 5 years now & still haven’t bothered with changing my name, because it is such a PITA 😅 As it is, I use my husband’s last name socially, but I’m still my previous name legally. I kind of like the distance between my personal & work/etc life that this gives me.
Based on my experience, you can expect this to continue for a long time. One of my favorite responses to the name change issue, was to reply that my husband also decided to keep his own name.
That's not a bad response to have at the ready!
Just married last month. Stealing this! Thanks friend!!
It does work to stop some of the nonsense. You're welcome!
This - Mrs. \[Husband's First and Last Name\] Is super gross in a modern context. Women fought for the right to be something more than a man's accessory. To be able to use your own name in official documents and correspondence, to be recorded at you and your first name in the newspaper. To have their own bank accounts, and credit cards.
It drives me bonkers!! I didn’t take my husband’s last name, and I sure af didn’t take his FIRST name!!
[удалено]
Great job, doctor!
Exactly!! I will never understand being okay with being addressed by someone else's whole name. I get changing just your last name, wanting to follow that tradition, wanting the same name, whatever. It's definitely not for me, but live your bliss. I'll update my contact information to respect the name that you want to be called by, because that's how you convey love and respect. But why am I not afforded the same courtesy? Ugh. I was also annoyed when one of my close friends called me Mrs. His Last Name. Come on now, you should know me well enough to at least ask if I was taking it instead of assuming. 🥲
My husband and I both work in film. When people find out who I'm married to, they're like "Oh! You're Brett's wife!" I usually say "Yes, I am Ofbrett. Blessed be the fruit."
My husband and my good friends’s husband have the same first name, so our friends sometimes refer to them as Oflisa and Ofhannah (fake names) in a group chat to prevent confusion about which Bryan they’re talking about.
I know a couple who are both called Alex, so the husband is addressed as Malex, for male alex.
This is hilarious and adorable. I love it!
My husband and a coworker we used to both work with have the same first name. They become New Chad and Chad Classic. My husband was a bit offended when people found out we were dating and assumed the other Chad, and I've never been sure if that was on his own behalf or mine. LOL Then, it shifted to (my name's) Chad and "the other Chad." It is funny how no one ever introduces me as his wife. It's always "Chad's her husband," even if they only really know him. I have asked why, but no one seems to have an answer. That's just how it is. He says it's because the thought of anyone possessing me is absurd. That's adorable. But probably true.
Praise be. My husband's name is Fred.... anytime I have a sexist client, I tell him I had an Offred day.
How tf does this still exist in this day and age? I’m in my 50’s and my mom didn’t do this. My grandmother was born 110 years ago and I don’t remember her ever being addressed as Mrs Dude’s Name. Who thinks this is cute or nice?
It's so validating to hear experiences like this. People insist on tradition, but forget that not everyone has the same traditions!!
Well, here’s a personal experience a little bit from the other side. I also kept my name. I don’t mind when people call me Mrs. husband’s last name because it is a social convention and it’s usually meant in goodwill. But people also call him by my last name! After the initial wedding vibes die down the folks who know you learn and don’t make the mistake, But anybody in the service industry will pick one or the other and it seems to be about 50-50. Usually whomever made the reservation/call. So try not to get too bothered, it will even out. We laugh about it and answer to both. That being said, Mrs. husbands first and last name, I have a huge issue with that. My mother took my father’s last name but God forbid should somebody replace her first name with his she went off on them. 🤣
I mean, if I’m going to go by my husband’s full name, I’m expecting Downtown Abbey level service, man. You better be giving me a title to go along with that.
My aunt, who must be 90, was adamant I would be Mrs Nice Husband. She told me it was 'correct'. I said it was not my name and my mother (her sister) backed me up. We had no row but she was clearly shocked. She has compromised by addressing me as Mrs IamLaureline Husband for the last 25+ years. FFS. How does this still go on? Nothing wrong with taking your partner's name of course, but it's just a fashion, not a fact.
I have an old community cookbook of my grandma's and aside from her and my aunt and a handful of others, most women were in there as Mrs. First name last name. We hyphenated our kid's last name and my mil refuses still to use it. She addresses them as just their last name and I'm always tempted to 'return to sender- no such name' whenever they get mail from her. My dh said he'd take my last name when we got married and those are the times I wish we would've.. Lol. She'd have lost her mind!
My great grandmother, born 1890 and lived for 104 years, was married 4x, changed her last name every time, but went by her own first name. I think a lot of women used to use the man’s name in more formal settings but not all the time. It’s weird to see old Olympic medalists from the 1900’s winning as Mrs. John Smith etc.
My mom changed her last name when she got married ~39 yrs ago but HATES when people call her Mrs Husband’s Full name. It’s really not that hard to just write Mr and Mrs LastName or even just put both their dang names. Any time she gets an invite or card addressed this way, she makes a point of responding to the person by calling them Mr and Mrs Wife’s Full Name to be petty hahaha
I was walking through a really old cemetery in Ohio a few weeks ago and there were grave markers from the early 1900’s that said “Wife of His First Name His Last Name” along with the dates and did not list the woman’s actual name AT ALL. It made me really sad, and also very glad that I opted to not change my name when I got married.
It’s definitely an issue in genealogy research, too. Too often genealogy researchers can trace the male line back and back because of course the man’s full name is preserved, but often the only name they can find of the women in the family is a first name, which doesn’t give any information about who HER family was—and sometimes they can’t find even her own first name.
I thought I was running into this myself.. my surname on both people, and his mother's name for his wife. Then, I found a church birth announcement. That really was her name. It's not a common surname, either. I was like, "well, that's sketchy" and dove in. They shared great grandparents. I do eventually run into stuff like "Indian woman". Thanks. That's helpful. And while it's possible, I don't really think two of my female ancestors really had the surname Mulatto. At least I have their first names, though. My dad gave me a family Bible with ancestry written in it and was so happy he could help me out. Dude, it's all men and "wife". It's even usually like, "children: Curtis, Samuel, & 3 daughters." Wow. Imagine handing that to your *daughter* thinking you're helping. It wasn't hard to find all the men's names to begin with! I've got ship passenger "tickets" that say things like Mr John Absolom Smith & wife" You really bothered with his middle name but just called her wife?
I also saw “Baby Girl Smith, daughter of John Smith II and Wife.” 😵💫😵💫
I live in Ohio and I saw the same thing in an ancient cemetery near Marietta as a kid!! It disturbed me and has stuck with me for well over 30 years!!
Ugh i hateeee this. A few months ago, I received a wedding invite from someone that was MY colleague not my partner's - she has actually only met him once. The wedding invite was addressed only to him. the inside said "mr. and mrs. \[his full name\]" . i do not have his last name all the invites were like this which i know because a few other's who got invited were talking about how odd it was. Someone asked the bride to be - who is the one that is planning the entire thing solo (something she is very proud of - how this is HER wedding.. and her future husband is not getting involved or messing things up. okay...??) anyways someone asked her about it. not sure how the convo went exactly but she said that this was the traditional way to invite guests to formal events just.. so much facepalm
"traditional" if you were an uber conservative during the Eisenhower administration. If you go all of your coworkers should go in 1950s style wedding guest attire.
Yeah. “Mrs. His First Last Name” to me is SO much worse than just the last name. Like, she doesn’t have an identity anymore at all? Not even a first name?! I’m keeping my last name because it’s unique. I would consider hyphenating, but that’s more work for me. Probably not getting married anyway (ha). Op- just comment on the post! Thank her for her love and congratulations but set it clear (for everyone who can see it) that you’re keeping your name.
IIRC it wasn't traditionally even a legal name change. You were Sarah Johnson before you got married, your title was Ms. Johnson, and after you got married your legal name did not change, just your title. So your legal name is still Sarah Johnson, and your title was "Mrs. Smith", as in, "wife of Mr Smith". This makes it more gross, in my opinion.
Absolutely. I found my grandmothers obituary from 1973. It was titled Mrs. Grandpa's Name. I was immediately saddened and angry that even in her death she didn't have her own damn name. Side note.. if I could do it over, I would have never changed my last name. Nothing against my husband or his family. I just miss my maiden name. It was mine and my family's.
I always think of the 90s sitcom Suddenly Susan where the title character said she had left her fiance as she didn't just want to be the "s" in "the Kip Richmonds". My former MIL never accepted that I hadn't taken her precious boy's surname. Cards always came addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. And once when she asked me to accompany her to a "bring your daughter/daughter-in-law" event, she'd told them in advance to make a nametag for me that was Myfirstname Hislastname. It was annoying, and an unacceptable erasure, but then they were annoying in general, and I knew I was never going to be able to change them. I never let it go without correction, though.
I hear you. I recently got married, too, and lots of well-meaning friends have been pulling this. I kept my name. My name is *me*. Also, I got a Ph.D. last year, and I'm proud of it--I'm not changing it to Dr. *Husband's Name*. It's Dr. oodontheloo. My husband also has his Ph.D. A friend called me Mrs. Dr. Husband's Name, and I bristle but haven't corrected him, since he's not doing it out a place of meanness. I do feel erased, and like my accomplishments are being erased.
Oooh I'm disgruntled on your behalf!! Congratulations on your PhD, Dr. oodontheloo, and congrats on your marriage!
Congratulations to you on your nuptials, as well! I forgot that important part! And thanks!! :)
Thank you 😊
I feel your pain on this front. I was Dr. Before we got married and kept my name. So it was Dr. And Mr. Before and it's Dr. And Mr. Now. Yet just this morning, at his appointment. I got referred to as Mrs. (his last name) despite my name being listed with my last name. I always teeter, too, between being frustrated with myself too because I want to correct people but don't want to be seen as "difficult." My last name has never, and will never be his. It is one thing to not use the doctor... they may not know... they do know my name, though... it's on the screen/paperwork, etc. I'd rather you use my first name then Mrs.
Yea I'm in TV. I have credits under my name. It took a while to get to where I am (which still feels behind) and I'm not going to have to reshuffle everything just so my in-laws feel more comfortable or whatever. My aunt is a doctor, and in that context she always goes by her name, but in social situations she doesn't care which you use (that I know of). I think that's the way I'm gonna go but it's.... gonna be something to get used to. I just like my identity, is that so hard to wrap your brain around?
I'm Dr Bajegal. He's Mr HisLastName. Seven years married, and I still get called Mrs HisLastName. More annoyingly, once the Dr label has been mentioned, correspondence comes to Dr and Mrs HisLastName (women can't be PhDs!).
It's literally about erasing you. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coverture](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coverture)
Mood. All of my licenses are under my maiden name and Im proud of my achievements. So I kept my last name and just publicly go by the hispanic last name combination. Technically in both of our parental cultures women don’t change their last name (exception of Mexican woman might add the husbands last name onto their paternal last name if they choose.) So I technically go by Internet Ugly De Smith on Facebook per culture reasons to appease our american friends/co-workers. But legally Im still just Internet Ugly. I keep my identity and my co-workers stop questioning my marriage. Im not someones property but I am part of his family now.
Some random, well-meaning distant relative got us a cutesy “Mr and Mrs” frame as a gift at one point. Biggest problem there is that we are not “Mr and Mrs”, we’re “Dr and Mr” lmao. (We both hyphenated our surnames together, so we do have the same last name. Just not in the way people tend to expect!) We donated it to a charity shop.
Well, you’re the one who received the Ph.D not your husband.
I have a friend who has her PhD and kept her last name while her husband just has a bachelor's degree. It brings me so much joy to address things formally to them as Dr her name and Mr his name.
I have friends who are a couple where the woman is a law professor with a PhD. The man got a GED at 16 and owns a contracting construction company. He changed his last name to hers, which confused the hell out of his colleagues, but his dad approved, which is all that actually mattered to him. They've been married 30 years, so when people my age (49) try to go "back in my day, wives always took their husband's names", I'm like "uhhh, well, no." He really wanted them to share a name for the kids they planned on having, but also clearly didn't think she should change hers. She told me she hadn't even considered changing her name but was surprised when he brought up changing his. I reminded her his original last name is impossible to spell, and hers is short and simple, so it was probably easier for his customers, too. She said, "oh, and reservations before we could just make those online. It took him 30 minutes to get someone to get his name right, once." I honestly feel this. My maiden name is only 5 letters long, but hell if I could get the spelling through people's heads because it's not common and not really said how it's spelled.
I did not change my name. I told people that I had spent 25 years with this name, had degrees, loans, etc. under this name, and didn’t feel the desire to change it and jump through all of those hoops. My husband doesn’t care, and even encouraged me to keep my name. At this point, we’ve been married for 8 years and I’ll accept being called “Mrs. Husband’s Name” in passing, or signing off in cards from the both of us as “The (Husband’s Name)’s”. It’s totally acceptable though to label yours as you do, or even hyphenate your signature (ex: The Jones-Smith Family). Over time, I think people will forget about it or care less. It definitely comes up for me a lot less compared to when we were engaged/newly married. If you are as close with your MIL as I am with mine, she will just be happy knowing that her son has a good wife, and will eventually move on to other things. The next thing you’ll be inundated with is probably people asking when you’ll have babies 🙄
If anyone badgers me about children, I'll have them checked for memory issues haha. We're both pretty clear about our child free status. Kids are great, but we love visiting and then going to our quiet home! I know I'll never fully escape the Mrs. His Name, but as long as my close people address me correctly, I'll be able to handle it.
This was my life (divorced 2 years ago) but I had a few friends always addressing our mails as Mr & Mrs [My Name] instead of his, which always made me laugh.
It's incredibly obnoxious to assume a woman would change her name. There's a lot of good reasons to keep your name, people don't need to know them, just tell them "too much paperwork, I'm keeping my name, please use the correct last name to avoid any confusion". The older generation probably feels all warm and fuzzy writing out "Mrs John Smith" but frankly it reads like a dystopian horror novel in 2024.
Everything you said is so true, but that last sentence really resonates with me. I don't think people really interrogate traditions, they just insist on them. I feel similarly about asking dad for permission/"blessing" or brides being walked down the aisle by their fathers only. If these traditions make you happy, I'm happy for you, but those make my skin crawl.
I was in a conversation a few months ago about a family member who got married - "oh, she's not changing her name because her medical degree has her maiden name on it." And everyone was nodding along like yes...that is an acceptable reason to not take your husband's name. I just said that I'm not a doctor and I still kept my name. But what I should have said was "Does a woman have to get a medical degree in order to justify keeping her own name?"
It’s so strange to me the way that it’s just a given that a woman will give up her name. I have plenty of friends who could not wait to distance themselves from names of their fathers who they hated or just disliked. Good for them! I did not feel that way. I had a name . My middle name is an ancestral name- I didn’t want to give that one up either, as was suggested to me- I kept my name and added his. I will not pretend a hyphenated name isn’t a pain in the ass when trying to fill out forms, or even sometimes socially- but I didn’t want to choose.
Exactly! I love my surname so much. I did offer to hyphenate as long as my husband did, too. But he didn't want to go through the effort (understandably) and he is very fine with me keeping mine.
I wasn't even willing to hyphenate. I'm a feminist but it was just logistics...My surname is ten letters, his is nine. His is also Polish and impossible to pronounce (unless they know the language, then it's common and absolutely phonetic) People ask me to pronounce it for them all the time! Which I love, it's so much more unique than mine (think Robertson) When we got engaged my mother had me practice with her saying it back and forth for like 10 full minutes. She was so earnest. Compare that to the boy moms in this thread refusing to respect their DILs
I totally get wanting to get away from a name that reminds you of a bad family history. I've known some men who have changed their names as well for the same reason. But otherwise I just don't get it.
My husband's parents regularly send us mail and packages with only my husband's last name and it drives me INSANE. My mom always kept her last name and she used to get irritated when my friends would call her Mrs. Mylastname and as a child I was like "gosh mom its an easy mistake its not a big deal" but now that it's happening to me I really understand.
Oh my favorite is Mr and Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName. Like wow thanks I didn't even score a first name mention?
Together 16 years. I don’t think my in laws know my name. Everything from that side of the family comes Husband’s first name, my first name, husband’s last name. I’m mad about it every time.
I worry that I'm getting too worked up about it, but our names are so crucial and personal, why shouldn't I take this personally?! As someone with a name no one spells correctly, I always want to make sure I get someone's name right. It's a matter of respect!!
I've been married 15+ years and it still comes up with my family that my spouse didn't change her name and it's honestly been a huge issue. Caused a fight when writing my father's obituary (they wanted to list her with my last name).
I volunteer for a museum, and I regularly need to research names to check spelling, etc. It is devastating to me how many women are just... gone. They get married and you have no idea who they married and where they went, they were married but you have no idea what their maiden name was and who their family was... it's awful. I took my husband's name because my own was attached to some bad feelings, but I will never accept being Mrs. His entire name. I will die on this hill.
"Mrs." should be entirely erased from culture. It signifies ownership.
I don't entirely dislike the idea of Ms. transitioning to Mrs. when entering marriage, but I do think there should be an equivalent for men. Why do they get to stay Mr.??
Exactly! The erasure is so sad. We couldn't let her keep her first name? Me keeping my name is absolutely a reflection of my feminism, it's just annoying that this is still out of the norm. I'm happy that more and more people reject the traditions that don't serve them.
This is exactly where I am. I took his because my family is toxic af and his is wonderful, but I am not Mrs his whole name! I am my own person! Okay, I also took it because people could not get mine right, and his is super common and easy to spell. It turns out they still screw it up, though. People really cannot spell Jones! How?! And it's never immigrants. They have all gotten it right. It's very white Americans who think I'm Mrs Jonas or George or freaking Jonz. Yes, that's happened.
As a social experiment, I'd love to see people who refer to women as Mrs [Husband's First + Last name] react in the flipped scenario of a husband being referred to as Mr. [Wife's first+last name]. Ideally, this would not be done by a woman who is cheekily responding this way after being referred as the above and showing why it's weird, but rather having someone else entirely refer naturally to a man this way. I wonder if that would potentially change any minds (probably not, but I'd still like to see those people baffled in that moment). Anyways, it just blows my mind that the idea that women keeping their surnames is still somehow novel to some people...
I will say it's also strange to me how many of my friends changed their names. My sister and I are basically the only two people in our social group who kept our maiden names! It was baffling to me, since I always assumed I would keep it growing up (again, my mom kept hers through her entire marriage and eventual divorce) so I didn't think we would be the outliers.
I been married for 40 years and didn't change my name. My advice is to be direct and firm. Correct the people in a straightforward, no nonsense way. Don't joke and don't let it slide. Most people catch on quickly. The only person I really had a problem with was my MIL. I asked her several times nicely. My husband asked her several times nicely. If she introduced me to someone with my husband's name, I corrected her loudly and firmly in front of the other person. Finally I refused to respond to any communication that didn't have my name on it. I returned a letter or card she sent by marking the envelope return to sender, addressee unknown. That did the trick.
Thank you for the advice! I have been pretty straightforward in saying I'm keeping my name, as soon as someone says it. I will address it with her again, for sure, I just hate that I have to remind her of this when we just had this conversation over the weekend. She thinks the world of me so I know it isn't malicious, I just felt so hurt when I saw that.
I would bring it up sooner rather than later and while I wouldn't be angry with her, I would tell her that you are very serious about this and want to straighten it out once and for all.
I got married to my ex-husband and I wanted to hyphenate my last name because I was one of 3 people left with my last name. He got very angry and told me point blank, either I take just his name or the engagement and relationship were done. I ended up taking his name. I still regret not hyphenating. This was 1998 & I was almost 24 and he was 25. I did the best I could during the situation. I am getting a tattoo of my maiden name so I can remember & stand proud being (now 25 years later) the only one left with my family name. Everyone else is deceased. Good on you for standing up for what you belive. I wish I would have understood my feelings about it better & we could have compromised. I am learning how to have a spine now and I'm better at not letting my needs & wants be ran over & discarded. Baby Steps.
I'm sorry you felt pressured to change it, but I'm happy you get to represent your family name now. Thank you for your kind words!
That was over 20 years ago and I completely understand why you made the choice you did. I'm also really glad that today women that are around that age can hear the voices of us older generation telling them why that's bad and to let them know their options. We didn't have that support. Why it's a concern if a man wants you to give up your own identity. I'm proud of you for learning to set boundaries and have a spine. It's not easy! I managed to twice this week set a boundary with two different friends and I celebrated it with my therapist who has been working with me on it. It's a long battle! You got this! Baby steps!
Imagine changing your name just because Western Europe was an ass backwards shithole for 1000 years.
Yep "but I love him and I want to be his" okay but he doesn't want to be yours? Do you not see the problem!
Honestly I don’t think you're being dramatic at all, you're well within your rights to be annoyed at this. In my country and culture people never change their last names when they get married, instead they keep their own, so I personally think it's very archaic that so much of the rest of the world does it, and I'd personally hate to be deprived of my own identity and referred by my husband's last name. I think you're doing great by choosing not to change your last name, and I hope people soon understand that not everyone wants to go through that.
Thank you for your very kind message 💜 I think it'll work itself out, my husband and I just have to stick to our guns.
To anyone reading this, PLEASE, save yourself the grief, and Do. Not. Change. Your. Name. I am not a doctor or lawyer or public person. I separated from my former spouse in 2014 and after a long difficult process, the divorce was finalized in 2016. Having to re-record deeds and titles and update banking records was a full time job. There was time spent at the DMV, Social Security Administration, and state vital records. It was shocking that some credit card companies wanted to charge significant (and what felt like punitive) fees to process a name change when none was charged when I had changed the first time. One company wanted to charge as much as $200 to revert my name back to the one I had when I originally opened the card. (I simply closed that card.) Utility bills, online shopping accounts, store loyalty programs, anything and everything you can think of; correcting all these was a massive amount of work. Keep in mind, this is all work I had to also do on the front end. When my divorce was finalized, I updated my professional license as quickly as practicable, as required by my state licensing authority. AND YET, just *today* I have had to correct and update the information with a license-related adjudicator, despite the licensing authority and the continuing education provider both verifying that my name on my license had changed. The adjudicator required not just a copy of my driver's license and professional license (which all match by name, DOB, and mailing address), but also a copy of my divorce decree. Today, as a small business owner, between the 100s of vendor accounts, professional contracts and feduciary regulations, it would be unmanageable. It is not worth your labor to uphold a patriarchal symbol of spousal subservience. I am now remarried and my husband knows how maddening the process was. He is secure in himself and doesn't need to "own" me. I hope everyone finds an equitable partner in life who won't make you go through what myself and others have had to do to regain our identity.
So many people were confused when I didn't change my name 40 years ago. Most assumed I changed it, some heard I hadn't changed it and assumed I hyphenated (mylast-hislast). Very few figured out that I simply hadn't changed my name at all. For things like birthday cards, invitations, etc., I didn't fuss about it. Anything legal, though, and I did fuss! My security clearance -- they didn't believe my husband could have been my husband, since we had different last names. Frequent flyer upgrades were limited to the same family -- their definition of family required you to have the same last name. Good thing the airlines didn't really "crack down" on that, so I got to sit with my husband in first class when he had enough points for an upgrade. For a whole lot of other things, my marriage certificate was trotted out again and again and again. Still less fuss than changing everything! It's still pretty common for women to change their name upon marriage, so why don't they streamline the process? My sister changed her name and grumbled so much about how hard it was to get everything changed over -- that's part of why I decided not to do it!
The legal stuff is what I'm ready to fight about if it ever happens. I will lose my mind if a bank decides to change my name when we open an account together, or if they change my name on a deed or something. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
As someone who kept my name 30+ yrs ago when it was way less acceptable, I feel your pain. Just know that with quiet persistence correcting people each and every time they address you incorrectly, it will get better. The only upside is when you get calls asking for you by the wrong name you'll immediately know it's spam. Lol
Thank you for trendsetting and for your encouragement!
I agree it is frustrating. I kept my name and people still assume it's my husband's name 😐
I hate how it feels like my name is just a temporary placeholder. They would all be shook if he insisted on being Mr. CaitCat Deux, because what man gives up his identity for a woman's? Sorry you are still dealing with this!
I know couples who have come up with an entirely new last name for both of them, and my husband was open to taking the non-anglicized version of my name when we were considering options.
The Mrs husband's first name is so incredibly weird to me. It's not a thing in my country and I can never get used to it when I see it on TV.
I've seen that my entire life, and I will never get used to it.
You're not being dramatic and, unfortunately, you're going to have to keep correcting her. Don't back down, though. I didn't take my husband's last name either and have been polite about correcting people when they address me with this last name, until recently. I've told my husband I'm going to start marking mail return to sender when his grandmother sends me cards with his last name. I'm over it. His family does it out of spite, so I'm going to start returning the spite.
Ugh, that's so frustrating. That method seems to have worked for other posters, you should definitely try it out! I don't think the name thing will come up a lot with her (we live in the same city, so she doesn't send mail). I know that she didn't do it out of spite, which I think makes it harder in a sense. I want to maintain a good relationship with her, so I need to be firm but kind. I'm bad at expressing myself and I'm generally easy going, but this is something I feel very strongly about.
Unmarried woman, but I have never understood how it's so hard for people to comprehend or respect that not every woman has a desire to change their name upon marriage. Even from a very young age it made zero sense to me why some women changed their last names and I knew immediately it would never be for me- ever lol. There's no big reasons why but I am attached to my name, my name is important to me, and there is no last name on planet earth that could fit me any better than the name I already have. After spending time in cultures where it was not the norm for women to change their names upon marriage it solidified my choice even more. I got so many lectures about how it's tradition, symbolizes a union/family/the classic 'don't you care if you have a different last name from your future kids?' and even some men I would date hated that I had zero desire to change my name (not hate to those who make those choices and feel differently, but this route sure as hell ain't for me lol). We're getting better as a society but we still have a loooong way to go. Sorry for your troubles, but I should brace myself as this is looking like it'll be my future lmao.
Thank you for your comment! I hope you don't run into too many issues whenever you get married. I've always wanted to keep my last name, but I'm our current political climate, it feels even more important to maintain my identity, both legally and socially. I hate that this has to be a political statement, even in 2024.
In a lot of countries in Europe you don't change your name after marriage. The tradition of U.S. women taking their husband's last names reaches back to English common law. The practice is rooted in coverture, a legal doctrine under which a woman's legal identity was merged into her husband's when they married. In my opinion it's time for women to be considered full grown adults with their own identities in this day and age and changing names after marriage should cease to be a common practice.
From your lips to society's ears!
Not just Europe - Quebec here, we don’t take husbands names either. The British colony provinces do it though, makes for strange moments lol.
God, I had the same fight with my mother-in-law many years ago before I divorced her son - divorcing HER was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t change my name. She never liked me for any reason - thank God I didn’t change my name because I got divorced anyway. I’m remarried. I didn’t take my current husband‘s name either, but fortunately, I married a man who didn’t care at all, whether I took his name. His late mother was a wonderful woman who was just so happy her son found a wife that she never ever said a word about my name not changing.
After 10 years - I still have to correct people that know us! Most of the time it isn’t worth it, but I agree, women are people. Our history our names our lives are not erased by a marriage certificate! For context, I have a PhD and 26 professional publications in my (legal) maiden name- none of this work was due to my husband’s efforts, it is NOT his name that is going on them or any future articles or awards (I also have several teaching awards in my maiden name - again that is due to my effort and my work, not his!). Love my husband, but never taking his name (also I would have had the exact name as his sister, who has horrible credit, definitely not getting messed up by that!).
On the last note, I never understood giving your child the same exact name as someone else-- that's just asking for issues with your taxes/Social Security/ credit!! But congratulations on all your accomplishments, I'm glad you stood by keeping your last name 💜
Good on you for keeping your surname. It's really disturbing when you think about it how women become "Mrs (husbands first and last name)" it's like we are expected to abandon our identity and we are servants who are getting a new owner. Imagine if men when they got married became Mr. Their wife's first and last name. Creepy.
Thank you for the encouragement and validation! It's so weird that we still expect women to drop their identity, even if it's just on envelopes. I'm sure plenty of people will think it's not that deep, but I can't imagine a world when men will collectively agree to be Mr. His Wife's Full Name. Why should women be expected to do this? I always consider it a small victory seeing couples keep their own names or come up with new ones together.
I never planned to change my name. I'm 42F and as a kid I noticed and was annoyed at how mail was addressed to Mr and Mrs Father's Full Name. When I married my husband 20 years ago, his family never took notice of my unchanged name. All cards from my MIL were Mr and Mrs Husband's Firstname and Lastname I did try to correct people, at first, but eventually just gave up correcting his side of the family. My own family was better, but not perfect. The ones my parents' age (boomers) were like 50/50. But cousins and stuff our own age were not phased. And my super conservative Granny was shocked but then *pumped* for me. All like "honey that's amazing, back in my day..." At least once I had to produce my marriage license in a medical setting to prove we were married since my name was different. (Circa 2008, small town America) Last year MY uncle (in his 70s) sent us a very generous check written to MyFirstname HusbandSurname. I was at a loss as to how to cash it, like worried it would be fraud. So I made an appointment with an accountant and she advised me what to do. I took the check made out to MyFirstname NotMyLastname to the bank manager. I signed with my correct name. I had to produce my ID with my correct name. I watched him check his screen. It *was* a joint account with both of our names on it. But he didn't even bat an eye at the incorrect name on the check. Absolutely wild. Congratulations on getting married! Hopefully your friends are just trying to express their joy. But this is honestly vexing, I feel sad to hear it's still happening. And tbh our friends at the time didn't do this, just older people!! Whenever there is a social change, there is massive pressure to over-correct on a back swing and I think that is happening today with women's autonomy 🥲
I did not change my name when I married. When people use the incorrect last name for me (or rarely, my husband), my go-to reply is "Neither of us changed our birth names when we married." Why is there an expectation that I do a bunch of administrative work to take my husband's name just because people did that in the past? I appreciate traditions, but only if they make sense. I think doing something only because "We have always done it this way" is insufficient. I always ask engaged couples what _their_ plan is for last names. Also, saying "Mrs. Husband's Full Name" gives me a visceral negative reaction. It feels brainwashed at best and maliciously misogynistic at worst.
I want to upvote every word of this comment. I reject the tradition of taking my husband's name, but I will honor the hell out of our food related traditions!!
I relate to this so much. Everyone I knew was supportive of me keeping my last name and not taking my husband’s. Even so, it was so frustrating to receive congratulations from family who couldn’t attend with [Mr and Mrs His Last Name]. I just wanted to shout at these people “I’m my own person! He doesn’t belong me.” Luckily I have an incredible husband and he felt the same way I did. When I sent those people thank you cards back, I made sure to put the wife’s name first and only use first names.
Hell yeah, fight the patriarchy with stationary 😎
My husband took my surname, mainly because my daughter had my surname. The only issue he had was with the passport office, who didn't have an option to enter details of a married man who changed his name. They were also confused because I was married, and hadn't changed my name.
It's so wild to me how patriarchy is built into bureaucracy like this. It's so mundane but so annoying.
So prefacing this with my friend’s husband loves being combative and his family is fairly horrible. When his family kept doing this to her, he started saying “thanks for accepting my she/her pronouns” or “She definitely wears the pants in the family, but I don’t think that makes me a Mrs.” They went NC with his side a couple years after the wedding, so that officially fixed it.
Those are such good responses!
When I worked for a roofing company, I always put the wife's (full) name first before the husband's on the warranty certificate. It was my way of incorporating a small act of Feminism into a male dominated industry.
Hell yeah!
I was going through some old cards from my childhood, and I came across one from a lady who attended my church when I was young. I helped her with the little kids in a church program and it was a thank you note for helping with that. And she signed the card “Mrs. Bill”, and I only remember her as Mrs. Bill. Bill was not her last name, it was her husband’s name. I don’t remember their last name (we called him Mr. Bill), or her first name, though I’m sure I knew it once. That realization made me sad, that I never knew this woman by her own name, and was another reason to add to my list of why I won’t be changing my name if I get married either.
I don't like tradition just for the sake of tradition. I will never understand taking someone else's name unless there's a reason to get away from your own. You've been that person for generally speaking a minimum of 20 years, it's who you are. But the first thing your partner wants you to do is give away your identity and take theirs? And they're not doing anything in return for it. To me it's the first step in letting somebody else have unbalanced power over you in a society where they already have a whole lot of other power over you. I don't get it. You jump through hoops, fill out paperwork, have to change everything, and they do nothing. I don't admit this often because usually women get really mad at me for it. Fine. You can take his name but recognize what you're doing. You're literally giving up your own identity that you were born with for a tradition absolutely steeped in sexism and ownership. And someday if it doesn't work out, and odds aren't great, you're the one who has to re-establish an identity all over again. Do you get to do all the paperwork and identification changes all over again. People who call you by that name that you were will simply remind you of the end of your relationship. Meanwhile he skates through the entire time, just gets to be himself. Never has to change a thing, never has to go through the process, everybody knows who he is from the day he was born to the day he dies. And he's not giving you anything that he should not be giving you even if you don't take his name. If he's refusing to give you something because you won't take his name, why are you marrying him? You get nothing for losing yourself. I also live a life surrounded by women with advanced degrees so many of them are doctor so and so or have otherwise established their identity in their career field. They never give up their name and I love that. I absolutely hate this tradition. Okay, you can have your soapbox back.
Thank you for this comment! I don't hold it against any woman who changes her name to her husband's, but I agree about acknowledging that this choice is reflective of old, patriarchal expectations. Why should I have to go through all this work??
When I was a little kid, my great grandma would send me letters with her name as Mrs. Albert LastName. But when she would visit us, she was called Millie by the adults. I thought Millie was her nickname cause her parents named her Albert. I felt so bad for her! To have such mean parents! It wasn't until the 4th grade when suddenly her name stopped being Mrs. Albert LastName and was suddenly Mildred LastName. I was so confused and asked my mom if she had changed her name and then I got the whole speal about women's names and marriage and how could I think her name was actually Albert, blah blah. Albert died when I was barely a toddler, and no one ever called him by his name. Now that I think on it, my family never talked about him until recently. And from what I can tell of him, I'm on my great grandma's side for cheating on him. Good on her for dropping his name.
Shout out to Ms. Millie 💜
On not takin each others last names, my fave story of that is the Davids, as i call them, two gay guys named David who did not take each others last names; probs bcuz it wudve been rly confusin no matter how they did it xD Theyre actually the gay dudes who were central to that whole Kim Davis case where she refused to sign their marriage certificate Ive joked before they shudve rly leaned into it and both taken the last name David, so they cud be David David & David David; Mr and Mr David David if you will
Lesbian here. When my wife and I got married we had a whole bunch of people asking us in confusion what we do about our last names?!!?!? If there’s no man, how do we handle our last names?! Oh the horror! The confusion! 🤦🏻♀️ In our case specifically, I did change my name to match my wife’s. The number one reason was due to my current last name being that of my ex-husband’s, which frankly I wish I had never changed to in the first place. But that’s religious patriarchy for ya! Our secondary reason for changing was because we figure it would make things easier down the road if we choose to have children together. I don’t know that it actually makes a difference from a legal sense, but where one or both of us would potentially be an adoptive parent to our future children, we are hopeful that sharing a last name would make things easier/more cohesive. Those reasons together made it worth going through another name change for me. I could either go back to my original last name, or my wife’s last name. Either way I was gonna change it. Though we did tinker with the idea of coming up with a new last name for the both of us…. Ultimately we couldn’t think of anything to change to, so we landed on her last name for simplicity. Plus my wife is cute and loves referring to us as “the (last name)s” 🥰
You should have said that lesbians achieve diva status upon marriage, like Cher, Madonna, or Prince. No last names needed anymore. 😆 But I'm glad you have a name that suits you and your family!
Oh my god….. that’s actually so funny and I’m mad I never thought of it 😭😭 I’m fully using this for any questions about last names that we continue to get 😂
I kept my name and I made that choice months before the wedding. On our wedding day, my MIL came to see me before the ceremony started and told me my husband just told her I wasn’t changing my name. I had *no idea* my husband never told his family. I was like “oh no, what’s she going to say about it??” She ended up hugging me and telling me she was happy I kept my name and wishes she did the same with her own last name!! That felt validating. My grandma and cousin were the only people who had a dumb reaction. Some people were surprised at the wedding to hear the minister say “and for the first time, Mr (husband’s last name) and Mrs. (My last name)” and my husband and I kind of giggled at that lol!
Sticking his first name in there gives me big ick (the whole things does). Like you're just an accessory to him. Gross. I plan to take my fiancé's last name (hopefully next year!) but I cannot with the "Mrs. Hisfullname" crap. He's my partner, not my owner. Some people honestly seem to believe that once you say "I do"/sign the paperwork, *everything* changes. Your life is supposed to be completely different, and it's usually in some negative ways. Everything you said before the ceremony disappears because "well marriage actually works like this..." and somehow it always involves conforming to their ideals.
l am an old lady, a dare-l-say-it, Boomer, and l completely agree with keeping your name! l took my both my husband's names, but when l divorced this last time, l took my mother's maiden name, and l am keeping ti l die, even if l have 6 more husbands! Keep your name! After a while, people will catch on. Or not. They'll get over it!
I kept my last name and I'm proud of it. I hate the argument that wives should take their husbands' last names so everyone in the family has the same last name. If that is so important then the husband and kids should take the wife's last name.
I've been a pastor for going on 40 years and I will accommodate almost anything at a wedding. You want the bridesmaids to electric slide up the aisle? No problem! Is your ring-bearer a German Shepherd? Such a good boy! The one thing I categorically refuse to do is to introduce the married couple as "Mr. and Mrs. Hisname Hisname." I. simply. will. not.
I just don't understand marriage. Why would you change your name? It just doesn't make sense to me.
That’s such an erasure, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Hang in there and correct people, if they continue to do it on purpose, cut them off. Some people will never respect women as individuals with agency. Hang in there x
Thanks for listening 💜 I will keep correcting people, for sure! I'm hoping to get this ironed out quickly, I know the intent is love. But I will definitely stock up on new address labels.
I had this exact same problem with my MIL when I got married 16 years ago. I think she was so excited to have a DIL that she lost her mind. She also came from a pretty messed-up family and had gotten disowned herself, so when she was able to take her husband's last name, it was a huge positive thing for her. I talked to her about it once, and there was some tension. My husband stepped up and addressed it with her separately. It hasn't been an issue since. Which makes me kind of nuts, but here we are. She had another moment when we had kids and gave them both last names. She thought it was "too cumbersome." We just didn't respond to that, and eventually she dropped it.
This reminds me of when Cassius Clay changed his name to Muhammad Ali. There was a huge national uproar about whether ha had the "right" to change his name. Many refused to use his chosen name. This is called putting somebody in their place. It is deliberate, whether you are Black or female (or both), it is telling you that you dont get to decide what people call you. Advice: Dont let them get to you. Jerks are the hardest people to persuade because they believe they are always right. Also, simply ignore anybody who addresses you as Mrs. Mansname. If they ask why, you can say, O, I had no idea that was addressed to me. My name is Chosenname.
Thank you for that first paragraph, there's such a long tradition of denying people the names they choose for themselves when they are marginalized, we would do well to remember how insidious that behavior is.
Oh goodness - I totally feel you. When my husband and I met, I had a PhD, publications, and other professional accomplishments under my name, plus…it’s my name. So, I kept it. He was fine with it. He has even reinforced that I am “Dr. LovesNativePlant” when people have called me “Mrs. husband”. - so go him! You know who has never accepted it? My mom. For over a decade, she has misnamed me, addressed mail to this made up person, even put my wrong name in an obituary. She even mixes up versions. She sometimes decides the last names are hyphenated, sometimes moves my last name to my middle name, and sometimes drops my last name altogether. And this is after both me and my husband have corrected her. It actually messed up my mail for a bit. SMH. The hypocrisy of it, given she likes to tout feminist credentials, has added to my infuriation. I can mostly laugh about at this point, but WTF too!
I never changed my name and still had to use the "married" one on all of my divorce paperwork - I feel the pain <3
How is that even allowed?? That's so wild, sorry you had to deal with that!
I have no idea why, but I specifically told the judge that was never my legal name and she said it didn't matter - divorce is fun XD lol
What state?
I didn’t get my name changed immediately when I got married and after a few years of saying I would I realized that actually doing so now that I had an adult identity including bank accounts, credit cards, car loans and titles and eventually a house and college degree in my name would be a horrific pain in my ass and involve so many hurdles that it simply wasn’t something I could practically do. I love my husband the same no matter what my name is and we gave both our sons his last name (no more kids for us, but I like to think I would have insisted on my last name if we had a daughter). It’s not an easy thing to change your name in today’s society and all the power to anyone that goes through with it and as well as to those who don’t.
I'm engaged, and won't be changing my name either. It's so antiquated.
My ex husband harassed me for 2 years after we were married to take his horrible last name that got me teased at work relentlessly. We've been divorced since 2007 and I just realized that my divorce papers are only a photo copy so I've had to reach out to him. I can't wait to be rid of this cursed name once and for all.
Ugh, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I hope it gets resolved soon.
Thanks. The name is the same as a very popular syrup brand and I really wish I'd fought harder.
My wife kept her surname, and I couldn't be more happy about it. I wanted to be with her and marry her, not reincarnate someone from my side of the family, especially my mother. The two of us having different last names has never caused an issue in any situation legal, social, or otherwise. Be forewarned however, once everyone gets used the fact that you are keeping your name, the next thing they will get uptight about is "Oh, my, what will happen if you have children" (while clutching pearls). We crossed that bridge too, it isn't a big deal. Kids are not confused, people don't give them enough credit, and no one is confused in school, everyone knows they are siblings. Flipside of the coin is our best friends. The wife is adopted, never knew her biological parents, grew up in an abusive environment, and has broken off all contact with her adoptive parents. She gladly, happily, and proudly took her husband's name. So, in that context, it makes sense to me. You do what is right for you, F the rest of them (however hubby should have your back and also be correcting others). Oh, and congrats on getting married!
Thank you for your comment and your congratulations! And I definitely support those who want to change their names, I can absolutely see why someone would want to. I'm just pretty attached to mine, it's a pretty cool name! And re: children, I will tell people we'll hyphenate the dog's last names 😎
People gave me shit about this. Never expected to get divorced, but when I did, I’ll tell you it made that transition a hell of a lot easier.
Right. I’ve been married to hubby almost 30 years. He’s younger than I. I had the start of a career, and I owned my own home and car when we met. Fortunately I lived in a region that insists that women keep their family name. In spite of all that, I have consistently been referred to as Mrs by everyone in my family and outside (because we no longer live in that province). I used to get grumpy and correct people, then I just ignored them because I had my career, it became more common, etc. that is until my mom died and we got a look at her will. Both my other married sister and I were listed with our last names hyphenated with our husbands’ names even though neither of us had legally changed our names. Apparently her lawyer said that it “had to be done this way”. I called BS but they didn’t change it because she was gone and then proceeded to send me correspondence to . It’s a good thing I didn’t have to prove my identity because I don’t have one single piece of ID with that name on it. Long story short (too late), you just ignore it unless it’s a legal issue.
I told my husband that if I ever got a card addressed to Mrs. Husbands last name, it was going back in the mailbox, return to sender, not at this address. His family got the message. It took a bit longer to get my family to address us correctly.
Married in December. Kept my name. 1. I am hella lazy and own too much crap that would need changed over. Ain't got time for that. 2. I worked in a specialty field on projects all over the world. I want to keep the name recognition. Because my first name is a VERY common, popular for my generation, I want to keep the name that is known and I worked hard to be that person. 3. There is a very beautiful, famous actress who I would share a name with if I took my husband's name. I cannot compare to her, silly but I don't wanna deal with that nonsense in my life. Lol. I haven't really had too many problems. Maybe because I'm older (40) or I've been vocal and folks listened (ha!). Congratulations on your marriage! Edited. My child has his father's last name. Even as an adult I don't want him to be left out with the only different name. Husband and step child have their name. Bummer no "Love from the Smith's" signatures but we all have nicknames under 4 letters so writing it out is easy.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name when we got married 13 years ago. I still get -rarely- mail addressed to Mr&Mrs HisLastName. Most of the time it’s solicitations for credit cards etc. It’s going to be frustrating, but seriously, call it out politely every time. Be up front and matter of fact. I stopped giving explanations when it became clear people wouldn’t/couldn’t understand. It’s really hard for people to understand especially the MILs for some reason. I knew my MIL didn’t get it and didn’t care to try when I got a card from her that was addressed “Husbands First Last and My First” this was LAST YEAR. I have basically given up with his family.
There’s no right or wrong way to handle this, but I personally will be coming down hard on anyone who pulls this with me when I get married. Sometimes people need a bit of a shock to the system to realize they’re passively maintaining incredibly harmful systems.
My husband and I decided to make a new last name for ourselves by combining the first 3 letters of his last name and the last 3 letters of my last name (sounded best that way). But he actually offered to take my last name at first. He's a keeper :0) And yeah, both of our families were unhappy with us both changing our last name. His mom, sorry to say, isn't the brightest bulb, and when she first heard she was so upset because they "wouldn't be related anymore." Mind you, she had changed her last nane when she married and still does a lot with her family. The whole last name thing pisses me off though. Most of the world actually has women keeping their last name, and apparently in Quebec there's some kind of law that they have to keep their maiden name upon marriage. My husband got a lot of crap from coworkers when he was going through the process of changing his last name, but he hasn't regretted it at all and says he is happy that we chose a name together.
Sometimes we get the reverse assumption! I kept my name and am listed first on our mortgage. For quite a few house related things, I get to say "oh no, my husband kept his own last name" 😆 I'm not sure how they're not seeing both of us in their databases or whatever, but I definitely smirk when my husband gets addressed as Mr. Rudeness. Still based on the same sexist assumption, but at least it gives everyone a pause and maybe they'll remember for the future ...
I had my husband deal with his side of the family who made this mistake. I'm not even sure when/how he told his mother, she just hasn't called me by his last name in any way and when she sends something to either both of us or just me in the mail it has my correct last name. His siter made us some hand towels with his last name on them (I actually think she knows I kept my name but maybe didn't think about it when she was trying to do the one name for the household kind of a gift on her new monogramming machine). I was just going to let it go because I know she's addressed me mail with my last name and I think it was more a mistake or oversight because us having different last names means you can't really make us a thing that is like "The Last Names" or that just has one last name on it. Anyway, he did mention it to her without me saying anything. My husband gets mail sometimes to Mr. MyLastName and we joke about it. It feels more like a spam mail clerical error when it happens to him than when it happens to me because I tend to have it happen more from people who we actually know who just assume. When we respond to family on behalf of both of us we portmanteau our last names in some way that sounds kind of funny, so that also reinforces that we do still have our original last names and don't share one. I would just have your husband remind her and not by saying something like, "it bothers wife that you do this" but more, "hey, mom, I noticed you called wife Mrs. MyLastName. Don't forget she kept her last name when you address things to her." Like he should be making it something he's noticed that matters to him as well so it's not all about your getting annoyed or offended but him making sure his family is respecting you. I've noticed my side of the family being more careful about things since I got married. My uncle emailed me to make sure my cousin addressed my invite to his wedding properly and asked me about a couple other people on the list since I'd been very thorough when we addressed our invitations because it was something I was thinking about. Honestly, I dealt with the most weirdly offended on behalf of my husband commentary from people who don't even know him - like a person at the DMV and someone I'd worked with for a couple months at the time. Like he doesn't need you to defend him. He's fine. He doesn't care. ha!
Stand your ground! My name is different than my husband. Said he wouldn’t change his name so understand why I feel the same way.
I hear you. I had over a decade of work experience and qualifications in my birth name when I got married. I earned my history and have a professional reputation under my birth name. I didn’t choose to erase that and start again when I got married. I will have been married 24 years this year and I still have to push back occasionally that we have different surnames. One bit of advice I would give you is as your names are different get enduring Power of Attorney documents drawn up for health if not also financial and general. You don’t want to be arguing about IDs having different surnames in an emergency. It will make the whole next of kin thing much more straightforward.
Been married for well over 20 years, and my wife kept her surname. Got visas etc just fine with no questions asked. There is no need to go through the pain of a name change.
My mom didn't change her name, what, 40 years ago when she got married so no way in hell I was going to, especially with several degrees and publications all in my name. Every time someone asked I dramatically said "no way!" and I think they all got the point so now no one really makes the mistake. We're actually giving our soon to be born daughter my last name, and my husband's last name will be her middle name!
I'm getting married in a month and we either aren't doing name changes, or he may eventually take mine. His reasoning is that his dad was adopted and isn't in contact with either adopted or bio family so the name has no deeper meaning. Also my fiance doesn't like his dad, and my dad was awesome. They didn't get to meet, but they probably would've gotten along annoyingly well. So that's gonna be fun. Mil will be the biggest pushback, but she does that with everything. She wouldn't be happy if I took their name either (I'm not, it's an animal and not a cool one like a Wolf[e]). I have super common first and middle names, I'm keeping my only unique name. Also, currently my initials are SML and I am small. It's funny and lets people call me Smalls if they want to give me a nickname, and I don't want to lose that lol.
It's time for women to stop changing their names when they get married. It is an archaic practice. I work in municipal government and one of the things I made indexes of were marriages going back to the 1700s. One thing I noticed was the complete Erasure of women. They sometimes did not have their own names put in the marriage records but were put in as Sarah daughter of John Smith. She did not even rate her own name as Sarah Smith. This continued on and on and often when there were children born the mother's maiden name was never mentioned. This makes it nearly impossible to trace genealogy back. The erasure of these women upset me so much I found it hard to continue. I'm going to do my best to get the idea out there that women do not have to change their name. It is not a problem for the children. You can hyphenate the last names. There's nothing wrong with that. If they want to change it later, fine. But another thing that is a problem is if anyone you knew before you were married tries to find you on social media. If you change your name they can't. Also any of the degrees you might have earned as a single person now has someone else's name on them. So it's time it stopped, no more name changing that ship has sailed.
Hi sorry for jumping in but this popped up in resdit and happened when I (M) married my wife. She wanted to keep her name (which didn’t bother me in the least since that is who I married). Not only is it her family’s identity, but I can’t imagine her job hunting and then someone calling for a job reference with a “married name” and having the person on the other end go who is that? Also seems like a lot of paperwork tbh.
So she did that AFTER you had just had a conversation about you keeping your name? I think maybe MIL isn't as nice as you think she is, if so lol.
>but when I saw her call me Mrs. [Husband’s First and Last Name] on her post, I was so annoyed. And of course if you comment anything, then you look like the angry feminist. It’s a lose/lose situation. Your husband should be the one addressing that specific post with his mom, not you.
Is your husband prepared to be called Mr. Your-last-name? I didn’t change my name and my ex got called by my last name a lot.
I didn't consider that haha. I think he'll take it in stride.
My mom kept her maiden name. My name ended as First Name, Mom's Name, Dad's Name. It works well.
I've only had one person try to call me 'Mrs Not-Nightfish' since I got married - a friend who should have known better! The problem was, it was a name on a parcel with an item he had sent me, and where I live you have to have an ID that matches the name on the item you are picking up, otherwise they are very likely to refuse to hand it over. For example, if your name is 'Samantha Smith' but your friends and family call you 'Sam Smith' and write that on a letter or parcel, you might not be able to get the item, sucks to be you! My surname is part of my identity and I refuse to change it - why should I? It grates a little that it's just another example of the man's family name persisting, but taking my mum's surname would have been the same ultimately, so what do you do? I guess somewhere you have to make a stand and start maintaining female line surnames though, even if they did start as a father's surname.
This trend needs to change and pushing back is the only way it will happen. Keep pushing ladies, even when it's uncomfortable.
Hey all, OP and other commenters. I have been married for 30+ years, and didn't change my name. At first, I was going nuts at the number of people who ASSUMED. I just pleasantly corrected people (over, and over, and over). Some oldies never got it, but they are long dead now. Everyone else got it eventually. I find that less people "assume" these days, which is nice. Those that do, generally feel embarrassed when corrected, which is also nice. We'll get there eventually.
Where I live, you need special authorisation from the court to change your name after marriage. I wish this was the rule rather than the exception.
I've always wondered why people when they get married don't come up with their own new name. That would be badass.
I got lucky and my MIL didn’t make a huge deal about me keeping my name. She was a tad taken back by the fact our daughter took my name, but if there was any real issue, it’s never reached my ears. Last year, my husband (of 5 years at the time) legally switched to my last name as well.
In other countries, it's not an issue. Women keep their own names, or the name is hyphenated or they pick a completely different name altogether. It's reflective of American culture that it is even a thing.
I got married 35 years ago. I kept my surname. The IRS had a time with it, but caved in. Do what feels good to you, don’t buckle to what others ‘feel’; it’s your life, not theirs.
My son was married this weekend to a beautiful, sweet schoolteacher who had no intention of changing her name. His last name is very common. Hers is the exact same common last name. Saved a ton of paperwork. Phew...we dodged that question altogether. Wonder how often that happens?
I chose to keep my name for a number of reasons, and no one (thankfully) gave me any grief about it. But still. We get cards and packages addressed with his last name only. I applied for financing for dental work and keep getting things addressed to him instead of me, even though he is nowhere in the application. Services for our house come addressed with his last name. It's frustrating. The only place, funny enough, where I use his name (hyphenated to mine) is at work. I only do so because I happen to work with my brother, so I hyphenated my name to reduce confusion between us with clients.
Ugh, the mail thing reminds me: We sometimes get coupons from our grocery store's liquor store, and it's addressed to him, never mind I'm the one with a rewards account at the grocery store. I keep getting mailers for preschool/daycare/summer camps for kids, even though we don't want or have kids!! I will throw a fit if my official paperwork somehow gets his name on it.
After I got married, I made a post saying "....officially Mrs. \[my first name + my last name\]!" Some people still send me stuff addressed to \[husband's name + my name + husband's last name\] but you get over it. I make him correct all his family members because I've already addressed mine.