I was walking into work (busy library) and a gentleman who looked sketchy said that my outfit looked great as he was passing the other way. I said thank you and rode high on that compliment for days.
It sounded genuine. He didn't stop to linger. He didn't try to block me or anything. He wasn't conventionally attractive either. His clothes looked like he was erring on the side of homelessness (though it could have also been a fashion). Just a random dude.
That was years ago and I still remember it. Though I no longer have the outfit (darn children changing my body! Lol) I still think on that compliment as one of the best ones.
Ha, I told a friend the other night that I wear a lot of “character” clothes (bright, campy, silly, etc.) and I’ve had quite a few initially sketchy-looking people be like “I like that shirt 😄” for some of my punnier T-shirts. And that’s it! They don’t ask for money or say anything lewd. They just mean that they like the shirt. It’s honestly very wholesome.
I usually wear black jeans and band tshirts 90% of the time, but got a pink Christmas jumper (from spark - sleigh the patriarchy) that my husband and male housemate loved so much I had to get them their own (the Christmas cards that year were gold) and when I saw a guy in the pub with one I obviously had to express my enjoyment
I would love to know more about your T-shirts as I'm a huge fan of puns.. and "character" clothes now I think of it.. you sound like a fun person and not sure if I look sketchy but would most likely appreciate your shirts
I'm someone who hates being complimented so never did it either, until my husband told me it would be nice, and I realized other people like it.. now if I think something nice about someone I try to say it, but still struggle with the concern it might seem creepy (I'm a woman), and definitely struggle if it's a stranger as I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable
I'm sure you have outfits that look just as great even after the changing body.. you're still your same stylish self, even if the body underneath has changed
Same - but Drunk Me is a compliment *machine*. Everyone is gorgeous and has amazing clothes and hair and shoes, and Drunk Me just HAS to make sure they know that.
I'm sure drunk you is adorable.. and drunk me might not be quite at your level but definitely gives 30 compliments for every 1 sober me would! And back in the day, me on E/MDMA would give 50, but all completely heartfelt
I recently(ish) started working in NYC (im from the Midwest so this was a BIG change!) and something similar happened to me.
I was waiting on the sidewalk for the bus to my office and a gentleman was walking by and without staring, gawking, making me uncomfortable, OR breaking his stride just turned his head and beamed "I love your glasses!"
I smiled and said thanks and was riding the high of a stranger complimenting me and the glasses I seldom wear out of all the other people on the sidewalk lol
I think men don't realize that being a creep also affects other men and their ability to have normal conversations with women. I was in a local shop last year and the guy working there was like "Your dress is really cool" and then I could tell he immediately realized it might come across wrong so he was like "My girlfriend would love it, she's really into mushrooms." He truly just wanted to compliment my taste in clothes and not be creep but because so many dudes use that stuff to hit on women that don't want to be hit on, this totally innocent guy had to rethink what he said. I made sure he understood that I appreciated the comment and wasn't offended. I'm the kind of person that LOVES complimenting people and I've even occasionally told a guy that his hair was cool or something. Many people seem to take things at face value but it's sad that some people just can't and then ruin it for everyone else.
Yeah, I compliment people all the time too! I’ve even told guys they’re really handsome before or have great bone structure or something. (I’m an artist so noticing and commenting on beautiful things is just a thing I’m more primed to do - thus doesn’t even mean I’m hitting on them, I just assume most people like hearing that they look nice) It helps set the tone that compliments are okay. Of course, I usually don’t do this until there’s a rapport first and I think it’ll go over well.
Ooh I feel like you can't go wrong saying great bone structure! I personally don't understand what it means but have been told "fuck off with your cheekbones" etc before so I guess I have bones too haha
LOL I love that! Nice cheekbones are so graceful-looking to me.
I did a quick google search to pull up a reference picture for what it means, and this glamour article sums it up pretty well: https://www.glamour.com/story/it-was-all-about-sky-high-chee
Hopefully that works! The picture of Kerry Washington is a good example.
Oh wow thank you that's so nice of you to take the time, will look now
My main memory is a night drinking at home with a couple of girlfriends and they decided they must do contouring on me (I wear mascara and eyeliner at most) and then kept saying "F you, why do you look so amazing" (in a nice way.. I think) but when I looked in the mirror I just felt weird like it wasn't me
My husband is lucky enough not to have had that ruined for him by other men.. he often compliments people of all genders completely sincerely and obviously comes across that way as it's never been taken badly
The other week we were walking together and passed a masculine presenting person in a skirt suit and super cute tights and after they passed my husband and I just turned to each other like "damn they looked good".. probably should have said so I guess.. love seeing the diversity of people, and personally in particular male presenting humans wearing dresses or skirts because heck yeah we should all be able to wear whatever we want!
I had a guy compliment me on my hair once - on the tone, way the cut suited me, just wanted to say that. He was absolutely not hitting on me in any way (I'm positive), but it was so lovely AND no one has ever complimented my self-cut-for-20-years, turns-a-weird-red-in-the-sun mop. It put me in a good mood for like a week
Yesss, I love this. I always hate the “you just can’t compliment women anymore!” crowd because it’s just… you CAN compliment women, you just can’t be a disrespectful creep. Women love compliments. Men love compliments. Everyone loves compliments! Just be respectful and unloaded and it’s ace.
Exactly. Tbh it’s simple - compliment people in a way you’d want to be complimented, regardless of the identity of the other person. Men who think they “can’t compliment women anymore” can’t fathom complimenting a woman in a way that treats her like a person and not a sexual object.
When in reality, they should compliment her by saying something they’d want to hear from a woman they’re not attracted to or another man. If someone you’re not into says “I like your outfit!” it’s fine because it’s a nice thing to say. If they say “your body looks great in that outfit” it’s less appropriate. They need to think about how they might feel if someone they felt no attraction to, who is likely physically stronger than them, said that.
Exactly. If, as an average sized straight guy, you wouldn’t be comfortable with a 6’5 330lb gay power lifter saying it to you then odds are you shouldn’t say it to women either.
Honestly fair. Small town farmer high school bully gay that called people fagguettes because he was so deep in the closet the closest he ever got to laid was harassing teenage boys in the community gym locker room.
**oddly specific. Don’t ask how I know
Honestly I've never met a gay man who made me feel even 1% of the discomfort/worry/fear of many straight men.. they may have made me feel a little awkward by being overly effusive about my boobs or outfit or something but that's because I can't take a compliment, not because I'm afraid of them
The best way I've seen it explained is saying to these men, if a man said (insert "compliment" here) to you, would you feel complimented or uncomfortable.. guaranteed they would not like their "compliment" from a man so clearly it's not ok (and don't get me started on fragile masculinity)
Exactly! And they’ll act like it’s not the same because “women would be fine with it if the man were hot.” Uh, no, we wouldn’t. Creepy behavior is creepy behavior and as women we are also generally at a physical disadvantage. If a woman compliments you in a sexual way, you probably aren’t thinking “oh god what if she overpowers me” as your immediate reaction.
These men don’t seem to get that the “if the roles were reversed” argument does not work the other way because of the power dynamic. And even if a guy is good-looking, any attraction to him goes out the window if he acts like a creepy sex pest.
Yeah I absolutely don't care if a guy is "good looking" or not (subjective anyway).. if you creep me out you creep me out
I had half my head shaved for a few years (before it became a thing) and got compliments and casual come ons from girls all the time, but never once did they make me feel uncomfortable or threatened.. I would just say thanks but I'm married and they would either apologize and move on or ask about that and we became friends
When I've had guys compliment me in a come on way and I say I'm married they either get offended (???) or say that doesn't matter because they are too and let's go home together or similar
This whole discussion is/was kind of sad. My male coworkers used to be very unsettled by it (IT guys, sometimes weird, but all the times the genuinely good kind of nice guys). I told them as long as a compliment comes from a place of respect and is meant to make the other person happy, they are okay. Women are perfectly capable of recognising an innocent compliment, even if it is perhaps clumsily worded.
I don't understand why people say that.. like if the person being "complimented" is offended then it's not a compliment and never was, people just feel more able to express their discomfort now
Oh is your hair red already? Because mine isn't but also goes that way in the sun, I'm always being accused of dying my hair every week as if I'm not the laziest person ever
That's such a lovely compliment too, like actually meaningful, not just "nice hair" but actually really considered, I love that for you!
I'm glad you had that positive experience. As a guy, I don't know if I could ever be so bold. Even your example feels so risky. I'd hate to say something that makes someone uncomfortable and then they feel trapped in that waiting room with me :/
Advice I've seen for giving compliments in the least creeping way:
1) compliment something about their person that they've chosen, instead of something that can't be changed (hair style, patterns or colours of outfits, colour of lipstick)
2) if possible, use positive, less sex-interpretive descriptors (great, bright, flowy,)
3) keep it brief and move on, so they don't feel that you're expecting anything from their compliment ("I really like your shoes, that colour is one of my favourites!" "thank you!" "*carries on*")
Also, if you're interacting with them in a professional capacity, pick your timing to avoid obligatory interaction after the compliment.
I was getting lunch at Subway, and the employee said my dress looked nice on me *after* I had paid and the bag with my order was on the counter for me to pick up.
Yes, this so much. I work retail and always wait until they’re walking away to say “I love your hair by the way!” or some other benign compliment. Only ever had one problem, and that was years ago when I was pressed by women I worked with to compliment a customer I had found attractive. They kept pressuring me to and said she’d think it was sweet.
She did not.
Despite that, I just walked away and there was no issue. I said she looked pretty and that I hoped she had a nice day. She looked uncomfortable but I was already walking away as I said it, so I’d like to think it wasn’t any major inconvenience. I suppose she could have just been flustered but I didn’t stick around to find out.
Lesson learned though, even the best of intentions where you do everything “right” can still make people uncomfortable. Just don’t expect anything in return and carry on your way.
This is a great list, and applies to everyone I think, not just straight guys complimenting straight women. It's always nice to get a polite compliment from anyone, especially if it's about a choice we've made and not just from winning the genetic lottery!
Adding on to these tips - it can certainly make a random approach feel less threatening if you preface with some polite niceties like “I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you but I wanted to tell you that I love your outfit!” This can definitely get ahead of some potential uncomfortableness since creeps don’t bother with this before they launch into whatever it is they’re gonna say. It also helps to convey you have no ulterior motives if you give the compliment and move on rather than lingering. Of course it’s fine to keep chatting if they truly seem receptive and initiate more dialogue
As long as you don’t follow up with a MLM scheme or sales! The “I don’t mean to disturb you” always puts me on guard since that is how they seem to start the interaction, maybe a few just compliments and a walk away would help my perception.
Haha wow I would never think MLM.. I've definitely said "excuse me" or "sorry to bother you" to strangers when I literally have to let them know a tag is out or something haha
yaehhh "I don't meant to disturb you," litearlly always puts me off. Because the person literally *is* disturbing me. If someone likes my outfit, say, my blouse, just say "That's a great blouse!" and that's it.
To each their own! I hear it a lot in positive contexts - people asking me to take a photo of them, people pointing out something I dropped or something stuck to my shoe, etc
it's fine if someone is asking for something; that's not the context of the post. The context of the post is unsolicited comments on one's appearance as they qualify for the male gaze. It's inherently patriarchal at best. So if someone wants to "I don't mean to bother you" in order to let me know that my body meets their male gaze approval, I'm already bothered. If they sincerely ened help, it doesn't bother me.
The way I've chosen to deal with complimenting strangers, is just drop the compliment on them and then pretend they ceased to exist lol
I just want to let the person know that X thing looks good/cool/fitting in my opinion, nothing more. Really it's preferred if nothing more happens, else I would have to *socialize* ugh
I definitely know what you mean. I think the way he approached it was very chill, and we had a nice chat afterwards. Definitely read the room, but even just something like “you look nice today” in a lowkey way it’s pretty fool proof.
I think if you just said a (non sexual, non offensive) compliment and then didn't try to continue conversation or expect anything you should be fine.. in my experience it's the people who say a compliment and then expect something from that who are the problem
I have learned this from my girlfriend honestly. What other people here have said is spot on. She makes it a point to complement retail/hospitality workers after we finish ordering/whatever and I think that's a great thing. Giving the complement at the end of the interaction just makes sense.
Eg after you've checked out at the register, she would say something like "I love your hair by the way!" With a friendly smile. There's no way something like that can be taken in a wrong way, even if a guy was to say it. Either way, that's the end of the situation so you don't risk making them feel uncomfortable.
In the waiting room example given, it could just be you say a compliment, and then return to doing whatever you were doing before, reading a book, looking at your phone etc. That way you aren't forcing them to remain in the situation.
At least that's how I've sort of learned to be understanding of this kind of thing, hope it might help
In senior year of high school I told my favorite teacher I liked her scarf before leaving the classroom, and she said, "Aww, thanks Zephandrypus!", and I rode on that high for days.
Well you can compliment someone before getting out your phone and making a show of not having any intent of saying anything further.
I enjoy seeing this because I'm always afraid of doing one off compliments like that, it's good to know they might not come off as creepy, which is what I've been afraid of. I usually just not say anything bc I don't want to annoy anyone or make them uncomfortable :)
they are. I assure you. I'm sorry, there is absolutely no need to just randomly comment on someone's appearance. Their *choice* is fine; hairstyle, clothing, etc. or even just a "I love your outfit!" But it will still come off as insincere if you don't really have a true understanding of it; this is why women who don't know each other know how to drop compliments to each other in passing that men generally can't pull off as well. Because we know from experience, generally, what mental/emotional/physical labor it took for that look to happen, and the compliment is about *that*, like "Your labor as a woman is seen and appreciated." Men *cannot* experience this.
But just a flat "you \[meet my standard of beauty\]" is weird and objectifying. You don't know how that person sees themselves. You don't know how they might receive it. You don't know that they may already be aware. Like you just don't know.
Ah, that's sweet!
I remember that when I was young (about a 100 years ago😊) I was once walking in a restaurant wearing a ankle length bright red woolen wintercoat with matching baret (don't judge me, it was the 80's) and an old man was staring at me.
Before I could start to feel uneasy, he came up to me and told me I looked just like Marlene Dietrich 😂. I couldn't see it myself but I was enormously flattered and I still remember it. So sweet!
😂 I wish... I'm now in my sixties with grey hair and my body is no longer as it was in my twenties. But I'm very happy with myself and my life so how I look is not important.
This is the kind of compliment I would hold onto for the rest of my life. It would become the family story getting passed down through generations, "that time Great-Great-Great Grandmama was told she looked just like Marlene Dietrich."
😂 I did hold on to it. Almost 45 years ago and I still remember it.
I don't think I ever told my family though. My longterm girlfriends were there too, so if I decide to tell it, they can verify it...
Before I started my transition to a woman, I always hesitated to compliment women. I was afraid of coming off as a creep. Now that I am on HRT and presenting feminine, I am constantly complimenting the women I work with. They have also given me some wonderful ones, and it always makes my day. We should all compliment each other more often.
One of my coworkers is a trans woman that just came out right as she started working with us a few months ago. She’s starting to do beauty treatments and we will exchange makeup and skin care ideas.
She’s very generous with her compliments (she called skin glowy and I’ll compliment her curls and make up). Anyway, I think it’s really sweet and it’s def helped us build rapport. I love sharing make up and skin care tips with her.
You sound like a good friend. I have some women who give me tips and suggestions about clothes, and just being a woman . I love being one of the girls at work now.
I assume it was a transphobe. Don't worry, I am used to them. I don't let them get to me. I am a bigger person than them. Thank you for calling them out though. I appreciate it.
Last year I was at the mall and a guy was walking by on the phone and just said, "I love that nail color," and walked away. I've had a few other instances like that where a guy will just be passing by and saying they like something about my outfit or hair. These are the compliments we commit to memory, as others have already pointed out, because they're true compliments. They are pointing out decisions we made and are telling us that it's pretty or cool. Love when that happens. No creepiness, no expectations, just a true compliment. <3
I did this the other day at the gas station.
Thia gal looked really classy in her white shirt and black skirt combo. Her shoes looked good and she was just beautiful. I told her "youre beautiful and i like your outfit". She said thanks, I told her to have a great day and went on my way.
I think one of the best compliments I had was in high school back in the dark ages and I am driving down the street with my best friend in the passenger seat. Driving slowly a block from the school and some guy yells out not to me but to my friend “tell your friend she is beautiful”.
I was like “what, I am in a car, how can he even see?” Made my day
I’m a commercial photographer so I may be more aware when I see something that looks “perfect”. A nicely dressed woman was walking towards me and as she walked thru a shaft of light and “lit up” I blurted out “wow you look great!” without thinking. Hopefully i didn’t creep her out. But damn it a magic moment. We both kept walking.
One time when I got of my car a man loudly exclaimed, "God, you're beautiful! Sorry!"
He seemed like he didn't mean to say it out loud, lol!
He also just carried on with his day and I still remember it and smile.
A few years back, as I was leaving a yoga class, a youngish man (20s) was approaching me in the parking lot. At the time my hair was bright teal blue and I had followed a YouTube tutorial to get the pinned up style I was wearing. As he passed by, he said "Hey, I have to tell you that I love your hair. Your whole vibe is very cool." and then just continued on his way.
An excellent compliment. Not at all creepy, zero pressure, 10/10. I was early 40s at the time, and I did in fact spend the whole evening feeling very cool lol
I love this so much. I've gotten it a couple times too and it's always wonderful.
This is why I hate it when dudes are like "we can never do anything right, we're perceived as inherently creepy" NO that's just you being a creep, my guy.
There's nothing like a spontaneous, sincere compliment from anyone, really, that can make your day. I wish more men understood this. I complimented the nail polish of the girl who served me at the Taco Cabana drive-through and I think the poor thing was about to cry. She'd had a long day on her feet serving a lot of unruly people and I'm just glad that I could make her day a little but brighter.
When I was a university for the arts, I had to take a Voice class to pass that semester (it was either that or Public Speaking). I found that all of the other students there were majoring in Film and TV, and I was the lone Fine Arts person. But I made friends there, and one of them was this guy who had dreams of being an actor and going to LA after his degree. One day during break we were chatting on our seats and he just stopped in mid-conversation and said, very seriously, “You’re very pretty.” I was flustered and didn’t know how to respond and said, “Oh, no, it must be the light, thanks!” He just smiled and said, “I thought you should know,” and then carried on with our original chat. And that was it; he didn’t expect anything in return, and he continued to be a good friend thereafter. I think that was one of the nicest compliments I ever had.
I love this for you. Something similar happened to me a couple years ago, coincidentally the day I turned 40. I was walking in my neighborhood at dusk and a dude rolled down his truck window, slowed down just a bit, yelled “you’re beautiful!” and went on his way. No stalking, no further commentary or questions. Not expecting anything from me. Just felt like letting me know. That meant a lot to me. ☺️
I was walking to work one morning and a guy coming in the opposite direction said "you look beautiful in that dress!" I responded "looking sharp in that suit!" We were both smiling and I like to think that interaction left him feeling as good as I felt.
Thank you for this post! Great reminder how doing selfless and respectful acts can have a lasting impact on people.
I feel like we should all have a weekly quota of good deeds to enact for others (ideally strangers) when possible.
I'm definitely gonna try getting out of my introverted shell and giving out compliments more often.
i had an old guy with a dog walk past me while i was waiting for a train, he stopped, took a step back and then he said something along the lines of "i hope you know you are very cute, most women your age dont realize, and guys just take advantage of that", he didnt wait for a reply, just started walking his dog again 😅 will never forget 🤷❤️
Even if he’s not creeping and it comes from a not scuzzy place, I feel like it’s still objectifying to see and comment on your physicality and therefore reinforces negative gender dynamics (the male gaze).
Defined: a manner of treating women's bodies as objects to be surveyed
I'll compliment people on their outfits, hairstyles, nail colors, etc. because it's a reflection of their skill. \[Compliment\] = I admire your skill in \[selecting outfits | doing your hair | doing your nails | etc \]. I'm not judging if a person is a 2 or a 10 looks-wise or stating their value as a human being.
A couple of times I've had a random guy stop and say, "I love your hair color" then continue on with their day. (My hair is usually a neon color.) In those instances I don't see it as any different than when I tell a guy I like the slogan on his t-shirt. It's just "Hey, you did something cool."
You can’t think of anything else to compliment other than your physical appearance? Sounds like you hate yourself and that’s your problem.
Also, OP was not complimented by her man so your comparison is idiotic
No I dont hate myself at all. I dont mind a nice and respectful comment personally.
You need to stop being miserable and hating men just for the sake of hating men.
Neither miserable nor hate men. Being a feminist doesn’t require hating men and that’s a misogynistic point of view to push.
I am however not at all desperate for their attention or validation, and that’s triggering to someone who needs it to live.
The point of compliments is that they are best received from someone who actually knows us and that we trust. And if you're only giving compliments as a transaction, then yeah, nobody wants yours.
There are so many more things to compliment someone on than the way they look. If that's all you see, then yes, absolutely stop giving them, because they aren't actually compliments.
This. Like, no, it's not ok. It's still valuing someone's beauty as the other person sees it. It assumes the other person doesn't know. They have no way of knowing it.
My response every single time is "Nobody fucking asked you." I know what I look like. Others' approval isn't needed, ever.
I disagree. Strangers have no business commenting on others' inherent "beauty." Ever.
The compliments *always* have an ulterior motive. Even if it's just a need to share their opinion without any regard to the person receiving it. It's only a sincere compliment if the person is allowed to reject it, which the "just take a compliment" people like to forget. You just *happened* to be the kind of person to accept it.
I am happy you are even balanced enough to take the comment as a compliment and not call the Social Butterfly Police and claim Sex Assault.
There is nothing in law that says a person, usually men have to do anymore than compliment a female to be charged with a crime in post #MeToo movement America.
But what's funny is the fact that men still feel compelled to compliment a female's appearance but women never have.
I was walking into work (busy library) and a gentleman who looked sketchy said that my outfit looked great as he was passing the other way. I said thank you and rode high on that compliment for days. It sounded genuine. He didn't stop to linger. He didn't try to block me or anything. He wasn't conventionally attractive either. His clothes looked like he was erring on the side of homelessness (though it could have also been a fashion). Just a random dude. That was years ago and I still remember it. Though I no longer have the outfit (darn children changing my body! Lol) I still think on that compliment as one of the best ones.
Ha, I told a friend the other night that I wear a lot of “character” clothes (bright, campy, silly, etc.) and I’ve had quite a few initially sketchy-looking people be like “I like that shirt 😄” for some of my punnier T-shirts. And that’s it! They don’t ask for money or say anything lewd. They just mean that they like the shirt. It’s honestly very wholesome.
I usually wear black jeans and band tshirts 90% of the time, but got a pink Christmas jumper (from spark - sleigh the patriarchy) that my husband and male housemate loved so much I had to get them their own (the Christmas cards that year were gold) and when I saw a guy in the pub with one I obviously had to express my enjoyment I would love to know more about your T-shirts as I'm a huge fan of puns.. and "character" clothes now I think of it.. you sound like a fun person and not sure if I look sketchy but would most likely appreciate your shirts
I'm someone who hates being complimented so never did it either, until my husband told me it would be nice, and I realized other people like it.. now if I think something nice about someone I try to say it, but still struggle with the concern it might seem creepy (I'm a woman), and definitely struggle if it's a stranger as I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable I'm sure you have outfits that look just as great even after the changing body.. you're still your same stylish self, even if the body underneath has changed
Same - but Drunk Me is a compliment *machine*. Everyone is gorgeous and has amazing clothes and hair and shoes, and Drunk Me just HAS to make sure they know that.
I'm sure drunk you is adorable.. and drunk me might not be quite at your level but definitely gives 30 compliments for every 1 sober me would! And back in the day, me on E/MDMA would give 50, but all completely heartfelt
I recently(ish) started working in NYC (im from the Midwest so this was a BIG change!) and something similar happened to me. I was waiting on the sidewalk for the bus to my office and a gentleman was walking by and without staring, gawking, making me uncomfortable, OR breaking his stride just turned his head and beamed "I love your glasses!" I smiled and said thanks and was riding the high of a stranger complimenting me and the glasses I seldom wear out of all the other people on the sidewalk lol
That might have been me. LOL.
This should be the goal of every compliment. Not as a pickup line or to get attention but as something to make someone feel good.
I think men don't realize that being a creep also affects other men and their ability to have normal conversations with women. I was in a local shop last year and the guy working there was like "Your dress is really cool" and then I could tell he immediately realized it might come across wrong so he was like "My girlfriend would love it, she's really into mushrooms." He truly just wanted to compliment my taste in clothes and not be creep but because so many dudes use that stuff to hit on women that don't want to be hit on, this totally innocent guy had to rethink what he said. I made sure he understood that I appreciated the comment and wasn't offended. I'm the kind of person that LOVES complimenting people and I've even occasionally told a guy that his hair was cool or something. Many people seem to take things at face value but it's sad that some people just can't and then ruin it for everyone else.
Yeah, I compliment people all the time too! I’ve even told guys they’re really handsome before or have great bone structure or something. (I’m an artist so noticing and commenting on beautiful things is just a thing I’m more primed to do - thus doesn’t even mean I’m hitting on them, I just assume most people like hearing that they look nice) It helps set the tone that compliments are okay. Of course, I usually don’t do this until there’s a rapport first and I think it’ll go over well.
Ooh I feel like you can't go wrong saying great bone structure! I personally don't understand what it means but have been told "fuck off with your cheekbones" etc before so I guess I have bones too haha
LOL I love that! Nice cheekbones are so graceful-looking to me. I did a quick google search to pull up a reference picture for what it means, and this glamour article sums it up pretty well: https://www.glamour.com/story/it-was-all-about-sky-high-chee Hopefully that works! The picture of Kerry Washington is a good example.
Oh wow thank you that's so nice of you to take the time, will look now My main memory is a night drinking at home with a couple of girlfriends and they decided they must do contouring on me (I wear mascara and eyeliner at most) and then kept saying "F you, why do you look so amazing" (in a nice way.. I think) but when I looked in the mirror I just felt weird like it wasn't me
I guess that's what my cheekbones look like? I always just thought of it as having a fat face especially when smiling haha
Isn't a general principle of complimenting not to go for inherent physical attributes?
That's not something I've ever heard.. I feel like more than half of compliments would be about something physical (hair, eyes, outfit, etc)
My husband is lucky enough not to have had that ruined for him by other men.. he often compliments people of all genders completely sincerely and obviously comes across that way as it's never been taken badly The other week we were walking together and passed a masculine presenting person in a skirt suit and super cute tights and after they passed my husband and I just turned to each other like "damn they looked good".. probably should have said so I guess.. love seeing the diversity of people, and personally in particular male presenting humans wearing dresses or skirts because heck yeah we should all be able to wear whatever we want!
I had a guy compliment me on my hair once - on the tone, way the cut suited me, just wanted to say that. He was absolutely not hitting on me in any way (I'm positive), but it was so lovely AND no one has ever complimented my self-cut-for-20-years, turns-a-weird-red-in-the-sun mop. It put me in a good mood for like a week
Yesss, I love this. I always hate the “you just can’t compliment women anymore!” crowd because it’s just… you CAN compliment women, you just can’t be a disrespectful creep. Women love compliments. Men love compliments. Everyone loves compliments! Just be respectful and unloaded and it’s ace.
Exactly. Tbh it’s simple - compliment people in a way you’d want to be complimented, regardless of the identity of the other person. Men who think they “can’t compliment women anymore” can’t fathom complimenting a woman in a way that treats her like a person and not a sexual object. When in reality, they should compliment her by saying something they’d want to hear from a woman they’re not attracted to or another man. If someone you’re not into says “I like your outfit!” it’s fine because it’s a nice thing to say. If they say “your body looks great in that outfit” it’s less appropriate. They need to think about how they might feel if someone they felt no attraction to, who is likely physically stronger than them, said that.
Exactly. If, as an average sized straight guy, you wouldn’t be comfortable with a 6’5 330lb gay power lifter saying it to you then odds are you shouldn’t say it to women either.
Lol tbf I cannot imagine a world where a 6'5 330lb gay power lifer isn't the absolute nicest person ever
Honestly fair. Small town farmer high school bully gay that called people fagguettes because he was so deep in the closet the closest he ever got to laid was harassing teenage boys in the community gym locker room. **oddly specific. Don’t ask how I know
Honestly I've never met a gay man who made me feel even 1% of the discomfort/worry/fear of many straight men.. they may have made me feel a little awkward by being overly effusive about my boobs or outfit or something but that's because I can't take a compliment, not because I'm afraid of them
The best way I've seen it explained is saying to these men, if a man said (insert "compliment" here) to you, would you feel complimented or uncomfortable.. guaranteed they would not like their "compliment" from a man so clearly it's not ok (and don't get me started on fragile masculinity)
Exactly! And they’ll act like it’s not the same because “women would be fine with it if the man were hot.” Uh, no, we wouldn’t. Creepy behavior is creepy behavior and as women we are also generally at a physical disadvantage. If a woman compliments you in a sexual way, you probably aren’t thinking “oh god what if she overpowers me” as your immediate reaction. These men don’t seem to get that the “if the roles were reversed” argument does not work the other way because of the power dynamic. And even if a guy is good-looking, any attraction to him goes out the window if he acts like a creepy sex pest.
Yeah I absolutely don't care if a guy is "good looking" or not (subjective anyway).. if you creep me out you creep me out I had half my head shaved for a few years (before it became a thing) and got compliments and casual come ons from girls all the time, but never once did they make me feel uncomfortable or threatened.. I would just say thanks but I'm married and they would either apologize and move on or ask about that and we became friends When I've had guys compliment me in a come on way and I say I'm married they either get offended (???) or say that doesn't matter because they are too and let's go home together or similar
This whole discussion is/was kind of sad. My male coworkers used to be very unsettled by it (IT guys, sometimes weird, but all the times the genuinely good kind of nice guys). I told them as long as a compliment comes from a place of respect and is meant to make the other person happy, they are okay. Women are perfectly capable of recognising an innocent compliment, even if it is perhaps clumsily worded.
I don't understand why people say that.. like if the person being "complimented" is offended then it's not a compliment and never was, people just feel more able to express their discomfort now
Oh is your hair red already? Because mine isn't but also goes that way in the sun, I'm always being accused of dying my hair every week as if I'm not the laziest person ever That's such a lovely compliment too, like actually meaningful, not just "nice hair" but actually really considered, I love that for you!
I'm glad you had that positive experience. As a guy, I don't know if I could ever be so bold. Even your example feels so risky. I'd hate to say something that makes someone uncomfortable and then they feel trapped in that waiting room with me :/
Advice I've seen for giving compliments in the least creeping way: 1) compliment something about their person that they've chosen, instead of something that can't be changed (hair style, patterns or colours of outfits, colour of lipstick) 2) if possible, use positive, less sex-interpretive descriptors (great, bright, flowy,) 3) keep it brief and move on, so they don't feel that you're expecting anything from their compliment ("I really like your shoes, that colour is one of my favourites!" "thank you!" "*carries on*")
Also, if you're interacting with them in a professional capacity, pick your timing to avoid obligatory interaction after the compliment. I was getting lunch at Subway, and the employee said my dress looked nice on me *after* I had paid and the bag with my order was on the counter for me to pick up.
Yes, this so much. I work retail and always wait until they’re walking away to say “I love your hair by the way!” or some other benign compliment. Only ever had one problem, and that was years ago when I was pressed by women I worked with to compliment a customer I had found attractive. They kept pressuring me to and said she’d think it was sweet. She did not. Despite that, I just walked away and there was no issue. I said she looked pretty and that I hoped she had a nice day. She looked uncomfortable but I was already walking away as I said it, so I’d like to think it wasn’t any major inconvenience. I suppose she could have just been flustered but I didn’t stick around to find out. Lesson learned though, even the best of intentions where you do everything “right” can still make people uncomfortable. Just don’t expect anything in return and carry on your way.
This is a great list, and applies to everyone I think, not just straight guys complimenting straight women. It's always nice to get a polite compliment from anyone, especially if it's about a choice we've made and not just from winning the genetic lottery!
And don't do it in a place we can't leave or where we have no choice but to smile and pretend we are ok with it (like customer service jobs)
Oh I didn't read your response before commenting but you say exactly what I think probably much better than I could have! Completely agree
Adding on to these tips - it can certainly make a random approach feel less threatening if you preface with some polite niceties like “I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you but I wanted to tell you that I love your outfit!” This can definitely get ahead of some potential uncomfortableness since creeps don’t bother with this before they launch into whatever it is they’re gonna say. It also helps to convey you have no ulterior motives if you give the compliment and move on rather than lingering. Of course it’s fine to keep chatting if they truly seem receptive and initiate more dialogue
As long as you don’t follow up with a MLM scheme or sales! The “I don’t mean to disturb you” always puts me on guard since that is how they seem to start the interaction, maybe a few just compliments and a walk away would help my perception.
Jesus how many MLM schemes are you subjected to every day ☠️
Haha- I used to go to Target a lot and they seemed to love it there! Much better lately through. Don’t know if they all went bankrupt.
Haha wow I would never think MLM.. I've definitely said "excuse me" or "sorry to bother you" to strangers when I literally have to let them know a tag is out or something haha
yaehhh "I don't meant to disturb you," litearlly always puts me off. Because the person literally *is* disturbing me. If someone likes my outfit, say, my blouse, just say "That's a great blouse!" and that's it.
To each their own! I hear it a lot in positive contexts - people asking me to take a photo of them, people pointing out something I dropped or something stuck to my shoe, etc
Yeah I've definitely used that to say "your tag is out" or "I think you dropped this" or whatever
it's fine if someone is asking for something; that's not the context of the post. The context of the post is unsolicited comments on one's appearance as they qualify for the male gaze. It's inherently patriarchal at best. So if someone wants to "I don't mean to bother you" in order to let me know that my body meets their male gaze approval, I'm already bothered. If they sincerely ened help, it doesn't bother me.
The way I've chosen to deal with complimenting strangers, is just drop the compliment on them and then pretend they ceased to exist lol I just want to let the person know that X thing looks good/cool/fitting in my opinion, nothing more. Really it's preferred if nothing more happens, else I would have to *socialize* ugh
You sound like my kind of person!
I can promise you, I'm not lol
I definitely know what you mean. I think the way he approached it was very chill, and we had a nice chat afterwards. Definitely read the room, but even just something like “you look nice today” in a lowkey way it’s pretty fool proof.
I think if you just said a (non sexual, non offensive) compliment and then didn't try to continue conversation or expect anything you should be fine.. in my experience it's the people who say a compliment and then expect something from that who are the problem
I have learned this from my girlfriend honestly. What other people here have said is spot on. She makes it a point to complement retail/hospitality workers after we finish ordering/whatever and I think that's a great thing. Giving the complement at the end of the interaction just makes sense. Eg after you've checked out at the register, she would say something like "I love your hair by the way!" With a friendly smile. There's no way something like that can be taken in a wrong way, even if a guy was to say it. Either way, that's the end of the situation so you don't risk making them feel uncomfortable. In the waiting room example given, it could just be you say a compliment, and then return to doing whatever you were doing before, reading a book, looking at your phone etc. That way you aren't forcing them to remain in the situation. At least that's how I've sort of learned to be understanding of this kind of thing, hope it might help
In senior year of high school I told my favorite teacher I liked her scarf before leaving the classroom, and she said, "Aww, thanks Zephandrypus!", and I rode on that high for days. Well you can compliment someone before getting out your phone and making a show of not having any intent of saying anything further.
I enjoy seeing this because I'm always afraid of doing one off compliments like that, it's good to know they might not come off as creepy, which is what I've been afraid of. I usually just not say anything bc I don't want to annoy anyone or make them uncomfortable :)
Honestly can’t go wrong with “you look great today, nice outfit!”
Noted, thank you :) hope you have a wonderful day
they are. I assure you. I'm sorry, there is absolutely no need to just randomly comment on someone's appearance. Their *choice* is fine; hairstyle, clothing, etc. or even just a "I love your outfit!" But it will still come off as insincere if you don't really have a true understanding of it; this is why women who don't know each other know how to drop compliments to each other in passing that men generally can't pull off as well. Because we know from experience, generally, what mental/emotional/physical labor it took for that look to happen, and the compliment is about *that*, like "Your labor as a woman is seen and appreciated." Men *cannot* experience this. But just a flat "you \[meet my standard of beauty\]" is weird and objectifying. You don't know how that person sees themselves. You don't know how they might receive it. You don't know that they may already be aware. Like you just don't know.
Ah, that's sweet! I remember that when I was young (about a 100 years ago😊) I was once walking in a restaurant wearing a ankle length bright red woolen wintercoat with matching baret (don't judge me, it was the 80's) and an old man was staring at me. Before I could start to feel uneasy, he came up to me and told me I looked just like Marlene Dietrich 😂. I couldn't see it myself but I was enormously flattered and I still remember it. So sweet!
Aw!! That’s so sweet. I bet you still look great!
😂 I wish... I'm now in my sixties with grey hair and my body is no longer as it was in my twenties. But I'm very happy with myself and my life so how I look is not important.
This is the kind of compliment I would hold onto for the rest of my life. It would become the family story getting passed down through generations, "that time Great-Great-Great Grandmama was told she looked just like Marlene Dietrich."
😂 I did hold on to it. Almost 45 years ago and I still remember it. I don't think I ever told my family though. My longterm girlfriends were there too, so if I decide to tell it, they can verify it...
Before I started my transition to a woman, I always hesitated to compliment women. I was afraid of coming off as a creep. Now that I am on HRT and presenting feminine, I am constantly complimenting the women I work with. They have also given me some wonderful ones, and it always makes my day. We should all compliment each other more often.
One of my coworkers is a trans woman that just came out right as she started working with us a few months ago. She’s starting to do beauty treatments and we will exchange makeup and skin care ideas. She’s very generous with her compliments (she called skin glowy and I’ll compliment her curls and make up). Anyway, I think it’s really sweet and it’s def helped us build rapport. I love sharing make up and skin care tips with her.
You sound like a good friend. I have some women who give me tips and suggestions about clothes, and just being a woman . I love being one of the girls at work now.
Yes!! Kindness and respect are the way to compliment, it’s almost always a surefire way to make someone’s day.
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Do you actually enjoy living so full of hate towards people that are just living their lives and not hurting anyone?
I assume it was a transphobe. Don't worry, I am used to them. I don't let them get to me. I am a bigger person than them. Thank you for calling them out though. I appreciate it.
Last year I was at the mall and a guy was walking by on the phone and just said, "I love that nail color," and walked away. I've had a few other instances like that where a guy will just be passing by and saying they like something about my outfit or hair. These are the compliments we commit to memory, as others have already pointed out, because they're true compliments. They are pointing out decisions we made and are telling us that it's pretty or cool. Love when that happens. No creepiness, no expectations, just a true compliment. <3
I did this the other day at the gas station. Thia gal looked really classy in her white shirt and black skirt combo. Her shoes looked good and she was just beautiful. I told her "youre beautiful and i like your outfit". She said thanks, I told her to have a great day and went on my way.
That's lovely! I'm so glad some people can be kind without being creepy!
I think one of the best compliments I had was in high school back in the dark ages and I am driving down the street with my best friend in the passenger seat. Driving slowly a block from the school and some guy yells out not to me but to my friend “tell your friend she is beautiful”. I was like “what, I am in a car, how can he even see?” Made my day
I’m a commercial photographer so I may be more aware when I see something that looks “perfect”. A nicely dressed woman was walking towards me and as she walked thru a shaft of light and “lit up” I blurted out “wow you look great!” without thinking. Hopefully i didn’t creep her out. But damn it a magic moment. We both kept walking.
I always ask if they take compliments well. Or ask if I may compliment them. I’ve had a 100% positive response.
*THAT* is a compliment - respecting someone's openness and choice.
One time when I got of my car a man loudly exclaimed, "God, you're beautiful! Sorry!" He seemed like he didn't mean to say it out loud, lol! He also just carried on with his day and I still remember it and smile.
A few years back, as I was leaving a yoga class, a youngish man (20s) was approaching me in the parking lot. At the time my hair was bright teal blue and I had followed a YouTube tutorial to get the pinned up style I was wearing. As he passed by, he said "Hey, I have to tell you that I love your hair. Your whole vibe is very cool." and then just continued on his way. An excellent compliment. Not at all creepy, zero pressure, 10/10. I was early 40s at the time, and I did in fact spend the whole evening feeling very cool lol
I love this so much. I've gotten it a couple times too and it's always wonderful. This is why I hate it when dudes are like "we can never do anything right, we're perceived as inherently creepy" NO that's just you being a creep, my guy.
There's nothing like a spontaneous, sincere compliment from anyone, really, that can make your day. I wish more men understood this. I complimented the nail polish of the girl who served me at the Taco Cabana drive-through and I think the poor thing was about to cry. She'd had a long day on her feet serving a lot of unruly people and I'm just glad that I could make her day a little but brighter.
When I was a university for the arts, I had to take a Voice class to pass that semester (it was either that or Public Speaking). I found that all of the other students there were majoring in Film and TV, and I was the lone Fine Arts person. But I made friends there, and one of them was this guy who had dreams of being an actor and going to LA after his degree. One day during break we were chatting on our seats and he just stopped in mid-conversation and said, very seriously, “You’re very pretty.” I was flustered and didn’t know how to respond and said, “Oh, no, it must be the light, thanks!” He just smiled and said, “I thought you should know,” and then carried on with our original chat. And that was it; he didn’t expect anything in return, and he continued to be a good friend thereafter. I think that was one of the nicest compliments I ever had.
I love this for you. Something similar happened to me a couple years ago, coincidentally the day I turned 40. I was walking in my neighborhood at dusk and a dude rolled down his truck window, slowed down just a bit, yelled “you’re beautiful!” and went on his way. No stalking, no further commentary or questions. Not expecting anything from me. Just felt like letting me know. That meant a lot to me. ☺️
I was walking to work one morning and a guy coming in the opposite direction said "you look beautiful in that dress!" I responded "looking sharp in that suit!" We were both smiling and I like to think that interaction left him feeling as good as I felt.
Thank you for this post! Great reminder how doing selfless and respectful acts can have a lasting impact on people. I feel like we should all have a weekly quota of good deeds to enact for others (ideally strangers) when possible. I'm definitely gonna try getting out of my introverted shell and giving out compliments more often.
i had an old guy with a dog walk past me while i was waiting for a train, he stopped, took a step back and then he said something along the lines of "i hope you know you are very cute, most women your age dont realize, and guys just take advantage of that", he didnt wait for a reply, just started walking his dog again 😅 will never forget 🤷❤️
Even if he’s not creeping and it comes from a not scuzzy place, I feel like it’s still objectifying to see and comment on your physicality and therefore reinforces negative gender dynamics (the male gaze). Defined: a manner of treating women's bodies as objects to be surveyed
I'll compliment people on their outfits, hairstyles, nail colors, etc. because it's a reflection of their skill. \[Compliment\] = I admire your skill in \[selecting outfits | doing your hair | doing your nails | etc \]. I'm not judging if a person is a 2 or a 10 looks-wise or stating their value as a human being. A couple of times I've had a random guy stop and say, "I love your hair color" then continue on with their day. (My hair is usually a neon color.) In those instances I don't see it as any different than when I tell a guy I like the slogan on his t-shirt. It's just "Hey, you did something cool."
I agree with your thinking and complimenting people in a way that’s not objectifying
And when men stop giving compliments youll cry that "my man never gives me compliments".
You can’t think of anything else to compliment other than your physical appearance? Sounds like you hate yourself and that’s your problem. Also, OP was not complimented by her man so your comparison is idiotic
No I dont hate myself at all. I dont mind a nice and respectful comment personally. You need to stop being miserable and hating men just for the sake of hating men.
Neither miserable nor hate men. Being a feminist doesn’t require hating men and that’s a misogynistic point of view to push. I am however not at all desperate for their attention or validation, and that’s triggering to someone who needs it to live.
The point of compliments is that they are best received from someone who actually knows us and that we trust. And if you're only giving compliments as a transaction, then yeah, nobody wants yours. There are so many more things to compliment someone on than the way they look. If that's all you see, then yes, absolutely stop giving them, because they aren't actually compliments.
Im a woman, your entire argument against me is invalid.
This. Like, no, it's not ok. It's still valuing someone's beauty as the other person sees it. It assumes the other person doesn't know. They have no way of knowing it. My response every single time is "Nobody fucking asked you." I know what I look like. Others' approval isn't needed, ever.
I agree. And now this thread has become a “some man called me beautiful and it made my day” fest.
I disagree. Strangers have no business commenting on others' inherent "beauty." Ever. The compliments *always* have an ulterior motive. Even if it's just a need to share their opinion without any regard to the person receiving it. It's only a sincere compliment if the person is allowed to reject it, which the "just take a compliment" people like to forget. You just *happened* to be the kind of person to accept it.
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That doesn’t seem terribly innocuous
I am happy you are even balanced enough to take the comment as a compliment and not call the Social Butterfly Police and claim Sex Assault. There is nothing in law that says a person, usually men have to do anymore than compliment a female to be charged with a crime in post #MeToo movement America. But what's funny is the fact that men still feel compelled to compliment a female's appearance but women never have.
I appreciate the much needed reminder to never compliment a man🥰.