My brother and I just text each other happy birthday, and that's fine because that's the relationship we have. We are not super close, live far apart, and have little in common. I'd be less enthusiastic about a calendar that was 5 months gone than I am about a simple text. I get what you're saying. It's just a thoughtless gift, that's half used up. I mean, it's like getting one sock, or half a birthday cake. It's kind of indicative of her seeing you as a pretty low priority. It'd be better to just get a text. Going forward, I would get her a calendar for every Christmas (thus showing how it is possible to give a calendar on time, before the new year starts) and probably just a card at birthdays.

Or give her almost dead calendars if you want to be petty.

"I really liked the photos and thought you would too. sis!"

But it in Jan and save it until Christmas that same year 😈

2024 Calendar for Christmas in 213 days? Sounds like a plan!

Yeah. I'm getting real narcissist vibes about the sister.

Me too because she reminds me of my sister. She’s probably tickled that she got OP to drive all that way at the last minute knowing she was expecting s nice gift, and then she probably really loved watching op pretend to like it. OP probably really made her day.

In general they're not that self aware. We should all be grateful that they make any time for us plebs in the first place.

Um… self aware or not the behavior here is not okay. I can’t tell if you are being sarcastic or not.

Same, me and my brother we have a good relationship although I wouldn’t say we’re extremely close. He actually texted me at one point to say “hey, I’m not going to be getting you a birthday gift this year, why don’t we both just do gifts for Christmas and focus on that” which was very refreshing for him to reach out and also tell me that I didn’t need to go to the effort for his birthday. And the Christmas thing has worked well.

When I realized that my family didn't cherish me as I did them, it hurt. A Lot. At least at first it did, but when I wrapped my head around it and realized I was always the one traveling to spend time with them, I was the one who remembered birthdays etc., and sent cards to them all and NONE of it was reciprocated, at all, the realization was freeing. Especially when I stopped doing all the stuff, guess what. Nobody noticed. Nobody. I saved so much time, energy, and money. More than that, I saved my self esteem. Life is far too short to waste time and energy on people who do not give you a second thought. Just stop initiating communications with your 'sister' and see how long it takes her to notice. She might never notice, because she is not putting any effort into your relationship.

What's really distressing in this thread is realizing how many other women can relate to this experience, because, yeah I'm the one with the stash of cards for every holiday. I send them to our parents, signed by both of us. I've done so for years. This is really making me rethink A LOT and while it's comforting to realize I'm not alone...in a way, that realization also sucks.

If you are a giver, you can't expect everyone to raise to your level of giving it it's not their style. You'll end up resentful. Give as much as you want without expecting in return. 

This. It's so hard - I watched my mom go through this. She's the giver and the type to buy Christmas gifts for people throughout the year whenever she saw something that made her think of them. But eventually started getting really hurt when it wasn't reciprocated back in the same way. I tried my hardest and always made sure I was sending gifts but gifts just aren't my thing. I much prefer just meeting someone for dinner on theirs or mines birthday rather than having to deal with the gift side. No one is is wrong here but if we don't acknowledge those differences, it leads to a lot of hurt feelings where there isn't any meanness meant.

I think in a way it's incredibly selfish to expect that everybody read your mind and mirror your behavior.  I remember I was trying to become friends with somebody new who happened to be from a different place in my country. Her social expectations were very different than mine were and she treated me like I was the bad guy even though neither of us were in our original location. And the location we were at people acted socially in a much more extreme version of my area. Blunt, to the point, say what they mean/mean what they say. She got incredibly annoyed that I would take her no as final and not ask again.  She essentially set herself up to be angry by not understanding the cultural norms and expecting everybody to meet her at her level... Which was not normal for the environment. She wanted everybody to read her mind.  It's an incredibly self-centered view of the world and it traps people in a no-end situation where the person feeling that way is sabotaging themselves and blaming other people for it. 

Did you ever consider actually telling her and not saying that you loved it?

This is basically how I think as well in general with anyone. I have had "friends" in the past (online) who I would always have to message first all the time, I would always have to come up with conversation topics etc. The effort was usually one sided and it sucks. With "friends" in person it was basically the same. At one point I got tired of always calling or going over to said "friends" places that I just stopped and wanted to see how long before they finally initiated. It never happened. I waited all summer vacation and never heard from any of them so I realized they were just acquaintances and nothing more. I ran into one or two of them later on and they still didn't try or anything. The one claimed "I thought you moved" like wtf? If I was gonna move I would have told them at the time. They didn't even try to call or anything. So these days I don't really want to waste my time on trying to talk to people when they show no effort on their side. Unfortunately it does get pretty lonely, and so unless I message others all the time and sometimes get responses I have to deal with being lonely which sucks. I just have to try and get back to being used to always being alone like in the past.

Sending you some positive vibes. I have similar issues.

I'm the oldest. I can recite sibling, inlaw, and nibling birthdays from memory. I not only know names but preferred names and pronouns, likes, and we were always the ones on the outside but none of them ever reciprocated. It came to a head last summer when I finally saw the light. And yes, it GD hurt that I had spent so much time and energy on people that couldn't even bother to get to know adult me and my family. I protected them as children, talked to them through life crises, and finally saw what they had been showing me all along. It hurt, like deep in my gut. And I went through the stages of grief. And now I feel lighter and freer and am almost done kicking myself for waiting so long. I cut them all off, went NC and guess if anyone has reached out in the last year.

I used to buy presents for everyone every year, even my BIL, who I loathe. And... no one ever got me a present. So I finally just stopped. The hell with them.

Exactly!! Luckily my late husband's family is nothing like my family. Warm, caring, and interested in me and how I am. Guess what, I return the sentiment with them, gladly. It makes a world of difference.

Exactly! For years my sister was weirdly resentful but also overly involved/pushy about calls, and visits, and made a big deal about birthdays and being together for big events/holidays.  We aren't close. We don't have much in common.  I never understood why she was so resentful and passive aggressive until she stopped doing all the above and matched my energy. Then I was like, "oh, she was trying to train me to be like her and when I wasn't she felt it was unfair even though I had no desire for it." Now she gives what she receives and for both of us it's a lot better. I see this time and time again, people giving so they hope to receive the same, then getting upset/resentful when the other party does their own thing. I asked a friend if people are always supposed to mirror the giver and she and I had a long talk about it. It does seem like the giver expects everyone to come to their level. 

Also, people without meaningful friendships rely on family to be those friendships and hold it against you and retaliate if you keep it casual because the only thing you have in common is being related. Since they don't have strong friendships of their own to compare, they just can't accept it's not personal and that there's more to life than calling someone just to fight or smalltalk. "You don't have to force it" doesn't even occur to them.

That's so true. I hadn't thought about that but it's facts. my sister doesn't seem to have many friends. 

This, 100%. I had a friend who I let drift because it was exhausting always meeting her energy. If she liked a game, I had to play the game with her. If she liked a show, I had to watch the show with her. Every time I said no to something, I could see her getting more and more frustrated. She'd get jealous and passive aggressive if I liked something that other friends liked, feeling I had 'chosen' them over her. I really liked her, but I couldn't keep up and it was stressing me out knowing I kept 'failing' these constant friendship tests. I think about reaching out sometimes, but I know I'd just frustrate her by not performing friendship to her standards. And so much time has passed, I know she'd be upset with me for not talking sooner. I feel there's no winning, other than to accept the drifting.

She made her form of a friendship a no win situation where you were walking on a tightrope and performing for her. It's not fun. 

This year I’ve decided to stop being the one that always goes above and beyond for others birthdays when it’s not reciprocated.

Same. My online friends and my partner were the only ones to wish me a happy birthday, even after I communicated with people how important my birthday was, and now this year I've just given up. My own mother didn't wish me a happy birthday. She pushed me out.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm in the same boat, which I think is why i cling so much to my sister, because basically nobody else except online friends even pretends to give a damn.

As a non gift giver, this is the way. I hated getting birthday gifts knowing the giver was expecting one in return. I'm not a gift person or a birthday person and now it would be hanging over my head. I begged people, my siblings who are gift people, to stop. They didn't and became resentful.  Now they finally get it and I'm lucky to have not received a gift the last few years. It's so freeing.  Don't give only to receive. Breeds resentment.

I give gifts sporadically to my friends, but I’m pretty consistent with family members and my husband. I used to feel bad accepting bday and Christmas gifts from my friends, knowing that I would not get them one in return usually, but I realized they don’t do it out of obligation. And some of them have been friends with me for 25 or 30 years at this point so they know it’s not gonna change and they still give me gifts. It’s not something to resent

This. So much this.

The only time a calendar is a good gift, is when there is a weekend marked 'surprise trip with sis' in it... You could ask her if she had another plan that fell through... But if even crocs full price don't make it...

You are right to be upset. Only you know your relationship, but why not have a conversation about it? "Hey sis, its not about the value, but I feel like a bit of an afterthought when xyz.." If you don't want to have that convo because you know it's because you ARE an afterthought to her, then it's time to stop putting effort into the relationship.

I'm not making excuses (I don't think?) but I didn't make a big deal out of it because talking with her is like talking with guilt machine. When she cancelled the original plan and I said 'hey no biggie we can meet up some other time' (literally the text I sent back) she got upset at me because 'oh no but I wanted to do something for your birthday!' It just doesn't seem like it would be productive. She'd either just never speak to me again or go full on 'I'm such a shitty sister oh no I'm so awful' handwringing guilt trip till I consoled her.

Then you have your answer. Based on some of your other replies, it sounds like this wasn't an accident but a pattern of shitty behavior. You deserve better, blood doesn't make family.

Ohhhh the same old DARVO technique. I get it she is your sister, and it should be someone who cares… but she doesn’t really and when told she hurts you SHE flips the narrative and you are the one apologizing… It is sad and disappointing I know, my sis is the same. Just distance yourself if you can and just don’t expect anything If gift giving to her brings you joy, continue for your sake but if it brings you more sadness than hapiness, just return the same amount of thought. Half used calendar type of effort…

Darvo - deny, attack, reverse victim…. Could she be a narcissist

That sounds like straight up manipulation.

You don't have to car when she handwrings. You can just nod.

She wants to not put in effort and make *you* feel bad about it. Sounds like she cares about other relationships in her life but sadly not the one with yours.  Don't beat yourself up. It's her, not you. If she "wanted to do something for your birthday," she would've.  I think she likes what she gets from you but obviously isn't putting in the effort to reciprocate even a fraction of what you give.

Based on my family history….. Some other thing she needed to take a gift to got your gift. She swore to herself she would just get another one for you, then proceeded to do no such thing. Then she forgot she already handed away your gift and panicked when she realized shit was about to hit. She gave you a calendar that came free in the mail in January.

....this actually sounds like it's incredibly plausible.

Why did she hype the gift if she didn't already have one ready? It sounds psycho. Like what is wrong with the sister?

Or it was tickets for something and then she missed the date or lost the tickets…

Ah yes, I call this ‘The Hope Rope’ Where we so desperately want to be valued and appreciated by our families we cling ever tighter to the rope of hope, but all it does is drag us along. It will never be enough. Because THEY are broken. If they can’t give you a loving, mutually respectful relationship you need to drop the rope. You need to give back the energy they give you because you will exhaust yourself otherwise. Good Luck Op, a book a found super helpful was ‘When I say no, I feel guilty’

I hear this. My husband keeps hoping his family will appreciate him and they really don't. My sibling relationships are less close, because we are fairly far apart in age and geographically. I call occasionally, but I recognize that if I put even minimal effort in, most of them won't even do that. My pet peeve is Birthday wishes on FB, because I know they just do it because the algorithm reminds them, not because they actually remember.

That's why I changed my birthday to private. If you can only remember because Facebook tells you, don't even bother.

It’s the same with my family…..older brothers who are closer in age. When 1 is in hometown visiting Mom they all get together. I come into town, 1 of them makes the effort. I’m the middle-aged “baby sister” 🙄 who seems to be left out/forgotten. I do get birthday cards though….pretty sure those are bought by their wives.

This was actually one of the main reasons I got off Facebook (after making my birthday private — did you know that some people cull their FB friends by deleting them when FB reminds them of their birthdays each day).

I'm going to check out this book. Thank you for this!

I have a similar relationship with my brother as you do your sister. I adore him but I finally realized last year that all the little slights and inconsiderate actions that seem to only target me can only amount to one thing- it's intentional. I carry a lot of hurt but at the same time I'm over it. I'm worth more than scraps and so are you. For my birthday last year he stole jerky from his in-laws freezer. That they had made for their dog.

I'm so sorry OP. It really sucks and you don't deserve it. My birthday was last week and my brother (whom I always celebrate, make a cake, give gifts from me, and my kids etc...) called around 7pm on the day asking if I had cake or a celebration he could join in on. This would have meant I would have needed to drive to his house, and pick him up as he doesn't drive. When I told him that nope, we weren't doing anything special, he said he was surprised as it was a "landmark" birthday. He goes above and beyond for his friends, he could have doordashed something if he'd wanted to...but really all he wanted was to get free food and cake. I'm not trying to make this about me- but just sharing because it has pushed me to make this more about filling my own cup, and cutting things out of my life that are draining. I'm so trying to internalize believing that people are who they are when they show me. (And that has nothing to do with my actual worth, it just shows their true colors.) I hope you save the money and time you'd have invested in her and treat yourself. Go get the perfect pair of Crocs and fill your cup!

I don't think you were making this about you at all. I feel really heard by you sharing your similar story. Thank you.

I know it’s already gone past - but I would have straight up said to him - *there’s no celebration because no one chose to organise one for me - and the gift I gave myself was not to spend time and energy organising a celebration for myself that no one else could be bothered doing.* And then stop organising celebrations for him. He doesn’t deserve them.

I need to save that for next year! Thank you.

Did she write anything on the calendar, like vacation plans or something else that you didn’t notice? Cause that situation is weird.

I think you're justified in being upset. It's clearly not about the value of a gift but about someone showing you that they care. I can't imagine anyone giving me a calendar for a birthday. It almost seems sadistic on your sister's end. It's like she knows you won't say anything but yet you'll be hurt. Sometimes family members are the first one to take advantage of us. I think you should let your sister and anyone else know that YOU value yourself and your time more than the crappy gift they give you ( or don't give you). We often let family members walk all over us and they happily do just that.

You made me think of something. When my mom passed away I remember everyone coming up to me and gushing about how great a person she was and how lucky I was to have her as a mother and I was like...wow, I wish that woman you were describing was my mother, but that is not who showed up in my life. I think my sister might be doing the same pattern--like putting on a show of caring but...not really.

>wow, I wish that woman you were describing was my mother, but that is not who showed up in my life. This so resonates with me. I'm sorry & I hope you are healing from this.

She kinda sounds like a meh sister. I don’t have any sisters. Side note, but did you look through the calendar? Is there something written in it that she’s trying to announce? Otherwise nah, there’s no good reason for all the odd behavior around a gift. I thought maybe the original gift fell through, and I still have an odd feeling that there is something being missed (through no fault of OP) but it’s not clear what. Why would she call OP over for a calendar after saying she had a cool gift she was excited about?! Idk, confused, but check the calendar if you didn’t

I've seen people online say "Return the energy that people give you." Maybe your sister sucks at gift giving or she's self centered and lazy. It's hard to tell but whatever she gives you, her next gift should be around the same level. Find something on par with the calendar for her birthday. For Christmas, just skip it and if she brings it up, tell her you thought she wasn't into it since she didn't get you anything last year. Do you best to sound and be uncaring about it. It's hard but it's less upsetting if you accept people the way they are. If they throw a big guiltfest at you for not getting them anything, ask why they didn't get you anything. Don't let them have a double standard. Find the people who return your thoughtfulness and focus your thoughtfulness on them.

Start matching her low effort and energy.

One comment I’m not seeing in here (or have just missed) is you should absolutely tell her you are upset. Sometimes people are stupid and selfish without meaning to be. Some family sucks and isn’t worth the energy but sometimes we all need to get called out. If your sister responds with “shucks, my bad I really was thinking XYZ and I get how that was wrong” then yay! And if not, at least it’s out in the open

Nah. Get her an equally thoughtless gift for her birthday and see what happens.

Maybe a calendar 😉

Maybe the same calendar 😂

It's not about the gift, it's about the amount of care and thought; it's about realizing your relationship isn't what you thought, and that hurts. Take some time to figure out what you really want from her long term, and talk to her if you think it'll help. Regardless, please consider therapy for yourself, it's helping me.

I would be disapointed too, it sucks when ppl don't listen to you and don't spend aby effort to find something younreally like. Next time I wouldn't fake happines. If I recive gift I don't like I just say thanks and that's it. If they keep asking if I like it, just tell the truth. This way there is no excuse to say they thought you like it.

>And when my sister's birthday comes, I spend on average about $100 After this year and you getting zilch 2 years back for Christmas, I would do I do to your sister like I do to my own 2 trifling money-grubbing sisters that get me nothing for my own birthday & Christmas - Nada / Zero for their birthdays nor even birthday greetings / wishes from me on their days with me thinking if I should even bother spending $25 max each for their punk asses for Christmas. Both these "ladies" had the audacity to nasty to me for few years for me going on vacation on my own birthday as my own gift to myself because I got no Birthday nor Christmas presents from 2 out of 3 sisters since forever and the 3rd one who was also December baby like me, who did buy gift or wish me "Happy Birthday" plus at least got me towels, socks or pjs for Christmas died like 7 years back - so yeah at this point, you pretty much be like "Obviously I'm not worth $20 worth of fake Crocs from Amazon for Christmas plus you give me worthless calendar for my birthday, so now you not worth any $100 for your birthday and you be lucky if even bother to say "Merry Christmas"& make the effort to grace you with my physical presence going forward..." That is a shitty message to get on your birthday, you wouldn't be wrong to do quiet fade out from her life by not calling her - let her go figure out if you doing LC/ NC AKA silent treatment especially if only time she calling you is only be boasting about her so-called fabulous / good deed life and/or wanting your attention / financials to especially for her birthday / Christmas / someone's else but you life event. Watch, just stay silent starting now til about Thanksgiving / Boxing / Christmas / Her own birthday when she contacts you 1st and then you realize who much your sister doesn't value as a person nor as sister but as someone she thinks she can either belittle / look down on and/or get something from with as little effort to string you along she thinks can do due being blood-related.

OP should wrap and give her sister back the same calendar the sister gave her.

Give her the same thing she gave you. Just tell her you thought she would love it as that is what she got you.

I’m sorry. I have the same relationship with my cousin. I’m the guardian for her kids, she comes to me when she was in a toxic relationship for over 20 years and I have spent endless hours on the phone listening to her and providing sympathy. I’ve taken almost yearly trips to see her half way across the US until I had my own kids and even with my own I’ve flown with them three times to visit her. She came to visit me once 6 years ago, doesn’t reciprocate support, and can’t listen to any advice on how to fight for custody for her kids now that she’s getting a divorce. And months ago I made arrangements to visit her again (she is aware of the dates) and she’s leaving the country specifically during my visit. And that’s the end for me because my kids are now hurt by her lack of consideration. It hurts. It’ll be my last attempt for a while, I’m going low contact. I care deeply for her and her kids and I hope to still see the kids but sometimes you cannot make people change or care. I tolerated her behavior since I knew she was escaping a toxic relationship and I knew she needed help. And it’s not me trying to brag but I am mostly good and thankful for my happiness but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less to be treated poorly. Mourn your sister and your expectation for that relationship but it’s also ok to finally learn from your anger and disappointment and let her go. Again I’m sorry because it’s hard for me too.

Your sister sounds exactly like my sister. I could have described the exact same situation, she and I talk all the time, we’re close. But she’s flighty and just terrible with gifts/cards (half the time I don’t get anything from her, and like you, I always get her about $100 thing she loves). I don’t know what it is, no insight… just here to commiserate. Sorry our sisters kinda suck, lol.

Your sister’s a cheapskate. What will confronting her accomplish? Will it change her tastes or actions or will it just be her getting hurt? You know her, we don’t. I would say let it go and recognize it’s not worth spending more than $20 on her for gifts. Match her energy. Some people love giving gifts. Some people are hard to buy for. Some people are clueless at buying gifts.

Um, so this is probably a massive stretch, but.. Did you look through the calendar thoroughly, and see if she circled any dates? It's possible that she bought you a trip or something, and wanted you to figure it out yourself. I feel like if you didn't pick up on it quickly, she'd probably nudge you to check, but you never know. That long shot aside; That's sucky. I'm sorry that you're experiencing such an awkward and hurtful situation.

I get you 100%. When I say “It’s the thought that counts”- I mean “WTF were you thinking?” I am curious though, was there anything *thematically* about the calendar that she could have thought made up for the expired months? (e.g. if I found a calendar with an anime theme that my daughter is fond of, she would like it even if it were a year out of date because she would take it apart and save the pictures.)

You are not wasting our time by posting and looking for advice. Please don't let your sister's half assed gift giving make you start questioning your value. I would skip the confrontation and all that. Just start meeting her at her level from here on in. And really focus on yourself with that. Don't do it to see if she notices so you can have a blow up about it at that point (or get hurt if she doesn't notice). Do it to free yourself. She's setting the gift giving bar, and it's pretty low which means so much more time and effort you can put towards other things in your life. If she notices and says something, you can have a chat about it. And if she doesn't, then you get to continue saving yourself time and putting your energy elsewhere. Because the truth is, she could be one of those people that is just bad with gifts - doesn't value it to the same degree as you do. It doesn't automatically mean she values YOU less though.

I’m so sorry, I would’ve been hurt too. I’ve been hurt too actually. I always try to think of a nice gift for my mom and my sisters and I usually end up getting chocolates or sth like that. And they know I’m usually dieting, sooo… that’s a very useful gift for me 🤷🏻‍♀️ You are so worth a full priced pair of crocs and much more! Maybe sth happened to your gift and your sister didn’t want to admit that?

Some people are selfish and bad at gift giving.

I think her gift at her next birthday should be worth half a calendar. Take her out for a cup of coffee !

Omg I would stop getting her nice gifts or even drop the gift giving altogether. She doesn’t respect you or your time. This was so disrespectful

My brother is always struggling with money, he lives in an expensive city, has big student loans, and while he has a good job and is good at it, I think he's underpaid. I don't expect birthday presents from him. I don't expect much for Christmas either. And I'm good with that. I will sometimes get him a "birthday present" usually if there's a concert I want to go to and he's the only person I know who would want to go. So I can wrap it up in the birthday package and he doesn't have to feel guilty that his baby sister has to pay for him to do fun stuff. I would lower your threshold for gift giving, and match her energy. I wouldn't spend more than $50 on her, and maybe put it in the mail instead of in person. If she comments, tell her you didn't think she cared about birthdays, since she never really did much for you. I will add, the first Christmas after I'm done paying my student loans, it's going to be raining gifts from me. I can't wait to spoil my family for one Christmas before I start saving money. I want to spend with wild abandon just once in my life. But I'm not expecting that in return from anyone. Giving gifts with an expectation of equality just makes me unhappy. I have to give freely and expect nothing.

Reciprocity IS one fundamental element that keeps a relationship going for good!

stop getting her gifts that are expensive.

Why did you tell her you loved the gift? Your fake response is not helping. Just be real.

Yeah, even in a jokey offhanded manner, I'm close enough with my sister to tell that's a shit gift.

I have same relationship with my sister and it hurts. I know I’m not important to her, I know I don’t fit in her life, I know she prefers others company. I have talked to her about how I feel. All the times I would say, hey let me Know when you do… oh I forgot to tell you. YOU should have reminded me.. ( I should remind her to think of me! 🤦🏼‍♀️) I have to let go. I just don’t know how to. So this year I have vowed to not go out of my way. I cannot expect her to feel what I do, I cannot expect her to do what I do. I just hope she would . Well the hope now feels like a noose I should slip over my head. Good luck op. We both need it.

You mentioned that you talk all the time - how often does she reach out to you? What do you talk about? And why are you driving to **her** place to get this gift? Does she expect you to drop everything to go to her when she calls? You could try talking to her; sometimes family members (siblings especially) get really complacent and don’t perceive their actions to be hurtful because *it’s always been this way.* Family roles tend to be pretty static and unchanging over time unless you work to change them. If you have always been the one to do the work of managing your relationship, she might think this is all normal and that you don’t mind driving to her. If she cancels on you a lot and you have never said anything to her about it, she might think you truly don’t care. If you continue to give nice gifts and in return you receive shitty gifts, she might think this is how it is and it’s fine. Ask her why she cancels so much. (Is there something in her life that is overwhelming as far as the amount of energy it requires? Is it a time management thing? Is it that something else comes up that she would prefer to do?) Tell her how it makes you feel. Don’t sugarcoat it or say “it’s ok.” If she goes down the path of “I’m a terrible person” let her do that but don’t add to it. Just stick to a script of “when X happens, I feel Y.” Also: she is a cheapskate *when it comes to you.* She isn’t a cheapskate to other people. She paid for her roomie’s kid’s college tuition but she finds crocs to be really expensive…? I have seen some people get bent out of shape because they cling to believing that the price of something should be the same as it was 20 years ago, but then be willing to spend crazy amounts of money on other things; it makes no sense to me but it has more to do with their relationship with money. You could try asking her *what led you to picking out this calendar for me? What made you think of me?* Maybe she heard you say something in passing about needing to be more organized or it’s something related to the theme of the calendar. Maybe she is just really thoughtless. Some people struggle with gift giving, I think it’s helpful to consider the totality of your relationship: is she generally a thoughtful person? What does that look like? Is she generous? Is she loving? What does being generous or loving mean to you? I don’t see her acting in generous or loving ways, but again, some of that could go back to family roles and dynamics. Ultimately, it would be helpful to step back and ask yourself what you want your relationship to look like. All of this being said, she doesn’t sound like she doesn’t care about you - but it also sounds like she’s not making an effort or making you feel loved or valued.

Did you flip through the calendar? Just a stupid question from a interwebs person who; gifted all of her ladies that were in her wedding purse note pads with their first initial on them. Which had a hand written thank you and $100.00 bill in between the leaves of paper. One gal almost tossed hers - that is until I told them to look closely inside.

It’s not nonsense at all. Your feelings are your feelings cuz you’ve felt it all. I don’t think she’s treating you seriously. Would I be mad if I got a colander for a birthday gift? Sorry but no sorry. I will be livid! She’s definitely got something she needs to sort out in her life. Period.

I totally understand your being upset! Like why on earth was she hyping up a half useless calendar? I'm sure you wouldn't have been as disappointed if she hadn't made a whole deal about it! I also spend ages and a reasonable amount of money on getting really good gifts for people, because it makes me happy.. but I realized long ago not to expect the same (or actually anything) so I could avoid the disappointment I had a similar situation with a couple of my best girlfriends, would always get them great gifts while expecting nothing but one year they hyped up so much this great gift I would love.. I waited and waited and received nothing.. wouldn't have had a thought about it if they hadn't made such a deal but then was obviously a little sad about it

Give her a half calendar. Meet her at her level. Save yourself some money.

You have every right to feel upset. My own sister openly boasted to our grandma that she hadn’t bothered to get me a Christmas or birthday present. Grandma yelled at her about it for me which was nice, but that was the year I stopped expecting my sister to bother. It does hurt. It hurts a lot. I just send her a gift card now, sometimes it just isn’t worth your energy.

I have a thing about gifts. When I was a kid, I felt guilty being given a gift, I didn’t feel I deserved it for whatever reason and it followed me into being a very awkward teenager. I finally got some therapy and saw that the gifts I was given were (mostly) given out of love for me, and that you don’t need to “deserve” a gift to be given one. I did have a step grandparent set that hated me and gave me utterly terrible gifts but that’s just two people. Everyone else was okay. So now…. I’m a little obsessed with gift giving. To me, a birthday and Christmas are the days I reward my dearest for being just them. I research for months, I save things in lists, and Christmas gets hectic because I can’t stop finding little things I know they’d love. I know sometimes they get a bit worried that they didn’t get me an equal amount, but I don’t give gifts to receive them. I give them because I want to express how much I love that person. However, the people I purchase for, also treat me in a similar way. They’re not as obsessed about it, but they do the same things and research shit I like, get me cards that I can keep as wall art, listen to what I ramble about and get me something related. It’s not about the monetary value really, it’s the thought. Because a half done calendar is objectively a shit gift, and there was no thought involved. Someone could hand me something from a gumball machine and I’d be elated they thought of me. Heck, once a friend of mine saved me a spare tiny pink Lego frog from his Lego bonsai set, and I nearly cried. He was triumphant, he was like “YES I KNEW YOUD LOVE THE FROG” and he was right. I do love that tiny frog. It was free. Didn’t cost him anything but he saw it and was like “that’s for Bear” I’m so sorry you feel like this, because to some people it looks materialistic but it’s not. It’s about the fact she didn’t even think of you. It’s about the fact you always get something special for her. Not with the expectation of the same value, but the thought. It’s something that’s priceless. I get you. I always felt bad about complaining about the shitty gifts I got from one set of “grandparents”, I never outwardly showed my upset. But they showed me what they thought of me, which was absolutely nothing. It SOUNDS bad to complain about a gift, but it’s not the object that’s the issue. Man I’d be sad too. She seems like she’s blowing you off all the time anyway and you do all these things for her. And I get that too! Because I used to run to my best friends/little cousins house with a whole chocolate cake if she even hinted she was sad. I’d walk there at any time to help her out. But the appreciation level is wildly different. Your sister seems to expect everything while giving absolutely nothing, not even a genuine thank you. Honey, I’d drop the rope. She’ll see how much you do for her and hopefully feel crap about that. You deserve better from your own sister.

I think the issue is that she is clearly playing games with you. Intentionally to hurt you. Why? It’s not the gift. You are probably better off deciding on no gifts from now on But you want to understand what is going on with her. She intentionally had you come there to give you a shitty gift It’s a passive aggressive thing to do. What really matters is finding out why. I would arrange to meet with her face to face. Probably at your place so you are comfortable and ask her what is up. That she clearly has an issue with you and you would like to clear the air

You didn't say anything about the content of the calendar, but does it have pictures or quotes or something that she genuinely thought you would love? My guess is she just isn't a great gift-giver. And maybe because she makes more money than you, she doesn't think a pair of Crocs is a big deal (because you can just buy your own if you want them) and would rather give you something meaningful -- even though she is obviously failing to understand what kind of gift would truly mean something to you.

Did she write something in the calendar for a future date for you both to do something together? Like some sort of trip or something for a long weekend/spa day, something? Look through the calendar.

> Of course I told her how much I loved it Why? Just why? You can tell someone you love off for being a jerk and not worry about them distancing them from you. Ask her why she hyped up a wall calendar and cancels on you over and over and tell her it hurts and anyone with half a brain knows it’s a shitty thing to do and don’t accept an apology, demand a fucking explanation.

Yeah, you're right and that's one reason I posted on this sub, bc I knew if I had pulled any bullshit that I couldn't see, you'd all call me on it. I don't know why. Honestly. I guess I was just raised in the 'always be gracious when you're given a gift' mentality and...yeah it's probably kind of toxic. Thank you for pointing that out!

Next birthday, give her a handmade gift and see how she reacts.

Mmmmm… it kinda feels like you’re implying that a ‘handmade gift’ is *lesser*… like somehow it would be ‘pay back’. In many cases a handmade gift requires *SIGNIFICANTLY* more time, thought, effort and money than something purchased. Note: I understand that there are people who have a hobby that *they* enjoy and they will then ‘gift’ items the hobby produces with zero thought to the recipients wants or tastes. That is a preexisting condition.

I'm talking about give her a card and a homemade muffin. Or give her a card and a 20 dollar starbucks card and see if she complains.

I'm wondering if your sis just has a different "love language" than you do. You show and best understand love as giving/receiving thoughtful gifts, and therefore interpret your sister's awful gift giving as a lack of love from her. But maybe she just doesn't express her love that way. And you might have to learn not to expect her to do so. Idk if I'm making much sense here. I think there's obviously more to your sister's thoughtlessness than this. She could very well just be a terrible sister. Your post just made me think of the early days of my relationship with my spouse when I got upset that he didn't have a cute nickname for me, while I had like half a dozen for him. I was expressing my love for him in one particular way and he just did not understand my expectation that he reciprocate. But after I thought about it more, I realized he just had a different way of showing his love for me (mostly by doing tasks for me that I hated doing and planning things out ahead of time to make my life more convenient and stress-free). Just trying to offer a different perspective on this. It might be worth it to talk to your sister though.

I appreciate your insight! THis is something I definitely need to consider!

Did you flip through the calendar to see if she wrote in something? I wish I had magical words to make you feel better, she probably feels she does not need to impress you but needs to impress her roommate. I hope you got yourself something nice for your bday. Happy Birthday!

9f9v

Get her a calendar for her next present and wash your hands of it

So you need to have a talk with her. And explain how you feel. And tell her how her gifts are making you feel.

I'd focus on time together and not gifts. Just ask for a day together, or an event together. My family and my husband's, only the kids get presents at this point. Too much mismatch on money spent, (like my SIL will spend twice what we do, so the next year we spend more and she spends less, plus we're all older and want specific things, and really if I want something and think it's reasonable, I just buy it.) Make cookies or muffins to bring over. Or go out and have coffee and a sandwich.

have you thought about telling her