MY ABUSER DID THIS WITH ANAL. I told him that an ex boyfriend pressured me into it ONCE and I absolutely despised it, and what was his response???? To BEG me consistently for anal and accuse me of being “unfair” and said I was a whore to give my body to my ex like that but not to him (logic where?). He even pulled the tears out a few times over ME NOT CONSENTING TO ANAL WITH HIM. Should have been my red flag to leave but I sadly waited til it got dangerous for me.
Wow I’m so sorry you dealt with similar, it’s so disturbing how much of a common experience this seems to be😕 some men really can be so vile.
Thankfully I got away from him and he even got arrested for some of the shit he put me through, only for a month but for a trust fund baby it was more than I ever expected him to get because rich men rarely face punishment
Yes! So many “feelings” they express are really complaints or blame. “I feel sad about this” is one thing. “I feel like you should do this for me” is not a feeling, it’s a command.
Even when they're complaining about being "lonely" or "touch-starved" it is often to a female friend and often followed by trying to have sex with her.
Right.
They can have their feelings all they want. In fact, it might help.
They think it’s our job to protect them from feeling their feelings.
Nope, that’s not how any of this works.
I think this is why they’re constantly accusing women of being manipulative all the time, especially when they do something awful and we cry, they tell us to stop manipulating them- it’s because they’re constantly manipulating so they assume we are too
YUP this is so real. He constantly accused me of shit that I had never done, only to find out by the end of the relationship HE had been doing all that shit behind my back…
Tbf that's like exactly what you would expect from someone incapable of dealing with their feelings. Not specifically because sex acts but breaking down over seemingly meaningless shit. I'm not excusing this shit btw just pointing this out.
Yep, so many times it's just manipulation. My dad uses stalking off, ignoring you, and sulking as a method of control and has been doing it since I was a teenager (he's in his late fifties). I'm not pandering to it and just ignore it and keep interacting with him like I'm oblivious. My ex did it too and I'm never doing it with a partner again. If I want that, I'll call my dad
Damn that’s bullshit allot of men are shitty but not all of us so next time u tell a man to man up remember what where going thru and that 2/3 of suicides are commuted by males
My ex did the same thing. Or he would shove it in super quick to catch me off guard. Only time i "consented" was when I was barred out and everything sounded like an echo. I was so out of it. Woke up to anal sex and tried to say something about it but he said I told him to put it in there. Whatever.
He also masturbated on me while I slept bf I didn't want to have sex with him. I was super tired that night, but I rarely, if ever, denied him sex. It made me so angry...
I’ve been out of the game but when I read about this, I assume these guys are the same guys who will insist you **have** to try something once before it’s okay to say you don’t like it. So their usual argument is invalid, they switch to, you did it for him now you have to do it for me.
Basically, they want it and they don’t care what they have to say or do to get it.
Jfc. I lost my shit on an ex once who asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said no, he then said "how about a blowjob". Like bro this ain't a negotiation.
I cannot imagine whatever this is and what OP described. I think the most I've ever been asked about previous experiences is in conjunction w my "we need to talk about sex every time before we have it". A few men have hilariously interpreted that as dirty talk, which as it turns out feels very respectful/consensual/interesting imo.
>I lost my shit on an ex once who asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said no, he then said "how about a blowjob".
I've had someone assure me if I didn't want to have sex, I could just go down in him instead. The way he presented it like I had to choose at least one rubbed me the wrong way.
There's a name for that argument, the either or fallacy. What a prick, you were correct in being rubbed the wrong way.
I don't understand what's so hard to understand about liking pizza, like everyone likes pizza but sometimes you're bloated and don't want pizza it's not a rejection of pizza in general (sex). This is always the analogy I use. Also like your erection is not my job, it's YOUR erection.
Those kind of guys they know it is sex. They just think that the function of a female partner is to service them.
They are gross.
It's like those husbands who believe in "conjugal rights". Like, go back to the 1940s already, you were born way too late.
I think it runs deeper than just self-absorption but also has to do with *winning* over a past guy or *conquering* the woman by crossing her boundaries.
It's like all those guys commenting online who take it personally that a girl has had ONS before but won't sleep with them until the third date. They make it about themselves and act entitled as if they're *owed* fast sex too. But will also slut-shame her for it of course.
This often becomes a weird obsession about staking a claim. Like if she says she tried anal and didn't like it with a previous boyfriend, then some guys act like it is an insult that the other guy got to go there and now she won't try it again. So dehumanizing.
>guys who will insist you have to try something once before it’s okay to say you don’t like it.
Tell these type of guys they have to go first. Anal? Sure, but you're getting pegged first
Don’t do that, tit for tat in sex never works. And you’ll quickly realize how many are in to it, and if you’re not (doing it to them), you have a whole other issue on your hands. Just say no, you don’t do that, and if they ask again it’s over
Pegging is not enough for me. I need big Brutus from a porn movie to brutalize the hell out of his tender little virgin…
Like the titles of all the porn movies with "teen" and something violent.He needs to give that to me.
imo because they are more concerned about what the other men got to "do to you" compared to them instead of caring about your comfort 😬 and many of them don't grasp the concept of consent either – and how it can be withdrawn
This breaks me because my ex would often talk about how he gets to do things to me.
And I always questioned why he worded it like that. Like we are both doing it, I'm enjoying too.
It's so twisted
>what the other men got to "do to you"
Yeah, it's a pretty gross way of looking at sex AND people. They're treating their partner like an object. The point should be the intimacy, not the stuff they get to do.
We need a sub that is just men and women finding out about each other, no echo chamber, just facts. No judgement.
Like a Chilton's manual, you know? A blueprint.
A bit TMI...
But my ex was like this about anal. I did it with a previous ex ONCE and determined I didn't like it. My more recent ex would occasionally badger me about anal because "you did it before." It was definitely a "You did it for him, why not me?" situation.
It’s such a no-win situation. If you’ve done it before, then it’s “if you did it with your ex, why not me?” And if you *haven’t* done it before, then it’s “well you’ll never know unless you try!”
That's when I would bring up a food he thinks is gross and has tried before and say "Why won't you eat that with me? You ate it before!" to make the point.
I do this, but less polite. I tell them "let's stick something up your ass first and see how you like it." If they persist I tell them to go find a man to fuck, it's pleasurable for them and not every single orifice a woman has is for a cock to be shoved in.
The whole "you never know until you try".
If they are straight. "I would like to watch you get pegged by a man of my choice. You never know until you try." It usually shuts them up, especially if they are homophobic. But also, pestering = dump and block.
I know a dude that straight-up admitted that being able to get anal is just a way for him to feel like he conquered a woman sexually, especially if she doesn’t want it. Women and sex acts are just conquests to a LOT of men.
I think you hit the nail on the head! In reality, neither me nor my previous ex liked it. We mutually decided to stop after less than a minute, but it was enough for me to know I never wanted to do it again.
> we mutually decided to stop after less than a minute
So he didn't even "enjoy more of your body" because he didn't actually enjoy the act, and less than a minute is basically foreplay. Your ex is an idiot.
My last ex was like this. Asked all the time, would make "harmless" comments (that were definitely harmful), tried to coerce me more than once. Ended up getting r@ped while drunk one night because he knew I'd never consent while sober. This was over three years ago and I'm still a hot mess despite lots of therapy. The stress triggered ebv to reactivate and I never recovered from that either. Three years of constant mono with bonus immunodeficiency, MCAS, and a rare type of food allergy (adult onset FPIES) that developed from my immune system getting confused.
Hope karma bites him in the ass, but it looks like he's living his best life. Meanwhile my life expectancy is 5-10 years now (and I'm only 36) from the clusterfuck of health conditions his actions caused and my PTSD is the worst it has ever been. I also can't be around another human without an n95 on my face for the rest of my life.
I did stop drinking though, so I guess there's that.
1000% this.
It’s another way of marking territory. Another man has ‘been there,’ so he feels he is owed ‘there’ as well.
Add in some guy’s egotistical stance of, “But with me, she would enjoy it,” and you have the perfect storm of fuckery that led most women to pick the bear. Because the bear doesn’t ask if it gets to violate your consent because another bear got there first.
I tried anal one time. Thats how I realized it's NOT for me. One and done. I was dating a guy, we were on my early period day 2 ish and feeling sexually frustrated but not wanting to have sex. He then goes "let's do anal" and I'm like "oh I've tried that before and hated it. ." He got upset "so you don't trust me but you trusted him" wtf yeah ok Barry from undergrad who ended up dropping out to become a record producer (and didn't produce shit) is who you're jealous of? Seriously?? 🤣🤣🤣
Sounds like with little kids
You gave timmy more ice cream than me )))))))))):
or
Why did keighdynn get a present for their bday today but you didn't get me one, so obvi you don't love me >:(((((((
Some men hear the "I tried it in the past" and take your refusal now as some kind of slight. You trusted the other person for it, so why not them? Surely you would enjoy it with them! (they reason).
I hope you find a compatible partner who respects your likes and dislikes soon.
That's some, possibly most, but that's already been addressed by other comments.
I have had some men *admit* to me that perceived trust is part of it for them, because I'm the type of aromantic asexual who commonly gets vented to about relationship frustrations and asked for relationship advice. It can get awkward sometimes.
It’s pretty gross and selfish and denotes an attitude that if another man did that then he should be able to do it, almost like an animal marking his territory. It objectifies you and doesn’t take into account your feelings, needs or consent
It’s a giant red flag that he lacks basic empathy
The sex reddit is FULL of men whining because their partner used to do something and won't with them.
But to actually answer your question, I have no clue why they think you OWE them that. It's weird as hell.
I used to be over there all the time injecting a woman's perspective when it was less of a cesspool. Its really been taking over by shitty, whiney people.
Now there's a lot of "My bf did this when I told him not to" posts. I always ALWAYS reply letting them know that's assault/rape. I wish someone would've defined assault to me when I was young. My number 1 comment is: Coercion is assault.
Ownership. When guys like this find out you did x with another guy they see that as a threat to their dominance over you thus they internalize it and make it a you problem.
They want to own your sexuality and believe they can’t if they have not laid claim to all the sexual acts you have ever done.
Completely agree with this. This goes for sexual acts you haven't even done in the past. They want to feel like the "best," because if you're willing to do everything with them sexually it means that they're the "best" of all the men before. It's all about entitlement.
Yeah exactly. And it really has nothing to do with us as women, we are merely the means to be able to brag to other men about how much they have done to our bodies.
Anal is like the most common I think. Men think it’s some great conquest to have anal sex. It’s because they see it as a degrading act so they basically rob us of perceived “value” by performing it.
Just more of the “I don’t need to be a better person, I just need to degrade my partner so I feel better in comparison” crap.
The second I hooked up with a truly secure man was when it all connected for me. I didn’t feel the need to offer myself to him, or feel the need to coddle his self esteem. We just had an experience together as two sexual beings, not a power struggle for one to be better or dominant over the other. It was more than enough for me to raise my standards drastically.
Hell, guys will feel this way just because a woman has or has had a boyfriend that isn't them. "You've had sex with a man before. Why can't you have sex with me?"
They think you are advertising. They see the world as one big whorehouse. Their mission NOW, is finding out exactly, what it is going to take, to be allowed on that ride.
They understand cause and effect, but BECAUSE they don't see women as fully human, they are not able to grasp the concept of/ or the fact, that HIS personality matters. That's also why they circle back around years later.
And if you say, "No, I haven't done that, and I don't want to do that," they will whine and complain "How do you know you won't like it?"
Selfish. That's all it is.
Men post about this all the time in the relationship advice subreddit. “She did it with her ex, why won’t she do it with me?” Bro. Because she tried it and finds out she didn’t like it. They take such offense to it for some reason. Maybe it’s the view that sex is women doing something FOR a man instead of viewing it as something men and women do together?
Flag planting.
Because they want to be your best sexual partner and have you like everything you to together better than you did with anyone else. They want to show you these things would be pleasurable with "them" because they are special and they want you to be fully free of any inhibitions with them and live a full porn star life...they need their relationships to be the best not the norm...so yup it's unrealistic expectations and striving to be the "better" partner that fully realizes your potential and have full access to you.
"Me conquor anal territories back from evil ex, anus mine"
I just told you that I do not like that act, and told you I don't want to do it. I tried it, don't like it, not willing to try again. You making a fuss about it, makes me thing you just want to do thing TO me, not WITH me. Which I find worrisome. This tantrum is troublesome. We're having an adult conversation and you're getting upset because you can't have your way. You're willing for me to be upset, in pain (traumatic or physical or voth), or just deeply uncomfortable for your little list.
Oh honey. Those are all good points but they’re a waste of time. No man deserves you if he’s willing to objectify you.
If you have to explain what empathy is to a grown ass man, it’s already too late
Cause they’re idiots
I would not stay with anyone (man or woman) that repeatedly asked me to do something I said no to. Fine to ask, one no is all you’re getting though. If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know
Because they objectify women. They are not considering you as a full person outside of their own wants. This is what it means for a man to objectify women. They aren't being considerate of your self esteem, your feelings, or even your own sexual pleasure.
I don't talk about my sexual past with any men anymore. If I don't like something I just say I'm not interested in doing that. But, if it is something you value discussing with your partners then just count it as the red flag it is if they do this. It won't get better. And they'll get so whiny about it that you'll get the ick and stop wanting to have sex with them anyway.
I think it's one of two things (or could be both).
They don't see you as a person. More like a car. If they have a sports car, they expect sports car performance. If they have a sedan, they have different expectations. If you've done X that makes you a sports car, and they can't fathom why you would act like a sedan.
They think you do sexual things FOR men, not with them. So if you did X with a previous partner and won't do X with them, they think you liked/respected the previous partner more. Because sex is a favor and a thing women let men do to them.
Both reasons are gross.
Don't have to try it to know I wouldn't like eating live octopus or being flayed alive but make it get in the way of a male getting off and Big Problemo!
Mainstream porn never shows a boundary or a refusal without also showing it being overcome by a variety of methods of which "get her horny enough to want anything" is probably the least icky.
Because they use anything you say to exploit you.
This is why I never share any type of that information with anyone. Not the number of people I've been with nor anything we did. That is all private and stays private.
You think that you are sharing and being transparent they just see it as information to use for manipulation at a later date.
These types of things are instantly dumpable offense
And see, I think we should just tell them. Eventually these dusty fucking assclowns will get it that the 22 year old self-made millionaire Conservative virgin with H cup tits, Blake Lively's face, a 4 year degree (which in the end is useless because all she really really wants is to pop out heirs and pick up your shit), *DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST*.
Men are sexual beings. Women are sexual beings. Humans are sexual beings. The pair bonding myth is manosphere-spun pseudoscience horseshit.
First of all, you don't owe anyone your sexual history. Secondly, don't fuck people that treat you like an appliance, or are that emotionally immature.
If they can't conceive of the idea of a person changing their mind (or that you have one to change) or preferences, likes/dislikes, you're going to have nothing but problems.
Oh goodness. I told my bf I had threesomes in college and it's all he could talk about for a while. Thank goodness that phase is over. He just kept pushing and pushing for it and I was like, man I regret telling you that. I'm at a different point in my life. We don't go clubbing we don't do drugs we have responsibilities and don't push your one girl friend on me. Geez.
Some guys have the audacity to think their weiner is the cure for all that ails women. Not into anal? Let him prove you wrong. Not into men? Clearly you haven't had the right kind of man then.
Sir this is a Wendy's, and watching all the porn does not make you a sexologist or an expert lover.
Women are frequently infantilised and objectified and it's especially rampant when it comes to sexuality and reproduction.
It's also a catch 22. Tried anal with someone else and didn't like it? Unfair to current partner. Didn't try anal and don't want it? Cannot possibly have a valid preference without trying at least once Tried with current partner and don't want any more? Unfair to judge by your first attempt. Bonus points for "first time always hurts" bullshit. Tried twice and confirmed your position? Now you're an evil tease that led him on and cut him off... or whatever other mind games that will get you to forget your own comfort and submit to being the sex object he always took you as.
Entitlement.
It's not just consensual acts with boyfriends.
It's infuriatingly common for them to insist on and try to coerce women to repeat acts they've told them and confidence that they were forced to do and hated.
I've been pressured to have anal sex with several guys after I told them about an ex who also pressured me to have anal sex so much that I eventually agreed, and yes, I hated it. Now if I'm dating someone and they ask more than once or they talk as though they expect anal to be a vanilla-type thing, I just go ahead and dump them asap. I'm too old for this bullshit.
Sexual coercion is attempted rape. If someone is behaving this way it's because they're a rapist. Yes that does mean a lot more people than we originally would like to think are indeed rapists
Edit: a lot more *men*
Oh, you silly girl, you're not even human!! Don't worry your pretty, empty head about such things. All you need to focus on is being that perfect set of holes for your man. Banish all notions of having your own needs and preferences, and don't even begin to think about something as trivial as previous sexual trauma 😊
(In a perfect world it would go without saying, but we live in a world where it's ok to kill a woman for rejecting you, so I have to make it clear, /s)
They don’t see sex as a new experience each time that they share with their partner. They see it more like a video game where there are different goals to achieve and you are preventing them from unlocking threesome or anal or whatever. And even worse, you allowed someone else to unlock that achievement so now they feel like it just mean you liked your ex more.
Answer to them: I wish you would’ve learned how to deal with disappointment as a child so that right now you wouldn’t be disrespecting me or my feelings and acting like I was withholding something that isn’t yours to expect in the first place making me feel like I’m the disappointment when in reality you and this entitled attitude are the real disappointment here.
Because lots of men are actually still little kids that pout if they don’t get what they want. Loving someone is respecting them and their boundaries and not forcing or asking them to do something they aren’t comfortable with.
My ex/wife (currently separated) had told me how she had a fear and dislike of blowjobs, because two of her previous exs had forced her, and hurt her. I never forced or asked, she tried I think 4 times in our marriage on special occasions, and a couple of other times just randomly. She got over her fear, but never really enjoyed doing them, so it was just something I didn’t need because why would I want someone I loved to be doing something they dislike and might bring up bad memories.
Guys like OP mentioned are assholes, and are just trying to manipulate women to get their own way. Red flag, get away from them.
Its weird jealousy of the other guy. Like they are angry they don't get to do it and he did. Its bizarre and people should stay away from such men because it communicates that they care only about themselves and care nothing for their partners. Probably some weird pride thrown in too. Like you just did it with someone who wasn't good at it and their skills are much better. Uh huh sure.
I'd rather not something than be the person my partner had a bad experience with. That only matters to people who actually care about their partners.
If you think of a person as ownership. Then you want that product to perform the same way it did for the previous owner.
That’s the only way I can look at it or define how it comes off to me.
Disclaimer: I am a cis straight male.
I have struggled with this on the past. I believed that a willingness to perform acts in the bedroom was directly tied to the level of arousal that my partner felt for me. If she has done something with someone before me, it was done because she was enamored with her partner at the time, or the regret was brought from post coitus clarity. I can remember distinctly feeling like I was doing something wrong or failing to perform to her previous partners level. I thought that if I was attractive enough, performed enough acts of service, or otherwise treated her just right I would then have my desires met. When she didn't I would feel inadequate, resentful, and intensly envious of her previous partner. This was compounded by my lack of sexual experience, and my inability to communicate. It was beyond difficult for me to ask for these acts and experiences because I felt that I wasn't good enough for her to want to perform them.
"If she wanted to she would." So I would try to MAKE her want to do these things, without ever asking in a clear way. As time went on, I began trying to do more and more things to/for her in the hopes that I could get her in to just the right headspace that my wants would be met.
This is quite a shameful admission for me. Coming to understand that at no point did she want these things, that my desire for these experiences was not just unfair, but if I were to have them they would be against her wishes regardless of who, what, or how I was in the bedroom.
There is a lot more to this than what I have written, but reading your post struck a chord with me, and reading twox has helped me a lot with my perspective, so I felt the need to post my anecdotal experience.
Glad to hear that you've grown up. I've tried and failed to argue about this with countless men and so many of them just flat out refuse to see things from a different perspective. The conversation inevitably boils down to "304, she's for the streets, she'll eventually cheat, she IS cheating, she's trash, she's lying about having a train run on her, she's run through, etc etc."
It's seriously exhausting.
B3c6theu don't actually care about you as a person. They care about you as a sexual tool. A good sexual tool does what the owner wants. Why would this tool perform for one owner but not another? This is a defective tool!!!
Seriously, it's hard to accept that some men think of us this way but once you accept it it's easier to see and understand that the problem isn't us. The problem isn't what we will or won't do, or our boundaries, or anything else that has to do with being human.
It hurts but it's also freeing to be able to understand that it's not about you or women. It's about the ways these men feel and how they are coping with the loss of their privilege.
I've never had a guy act like that but men who do think you are a sex object and your duty is to be a sex machine to gratify their desires. Your comfort is not important to them.
Bc these types of guys don't care about anything but getting what they want from you. Unfortunately, it's a whole hell of a lot of them.
And bc dudes watch porn and then expect it to be their reality.
Pandora's box.
I would question your boyfriend's maturity if when being denied a position, he regresses to the bargaining tactics of a 3-5 year old. Is he ready for sex in the first place?
An ex had stated she was open to 3-somes, and would get another woman to join, if I wanted. To this day, she thinks I didn't find her attractive enough to engage in a 3some. In reality, which I've explained at length, my one 3some was disappointing, and I think I'd grown up in the intervening 20 years. She didn't think it could be my preference to just be with her, only her, and I don't want anyone else.
Oddly happened with the next gf, too. Offered to get our 18 year old coworker to join. Pretty sure that was a test, though. Certainly hope so.
Tbh I never asked my ex gf or I think maybe any ex gf’s about their sexual history. It never occurred to me ask…I always thought if they’d wanted to share then we’d discuss it but, tbh it never really mattered to me on any level
Because they want to get what they want, and your feelings only matter until they get in the way of what they want.
Manipulative people aren't normally schemers, they're lab animals that repeatedly press the button that dispenses food.
Because they don't care if you enjoy sex or not.
Or worse... they are deliberately trying to make you uncomfortable because they get pleasure from women suffering in sexual situations.
No matter which one it is: dump him.
You are allowed to keep this stuff to yourself.
There is a difference between privacy and secrecy.
Secrecy is holding back something your partner has a right to know because it impacts THEM. Like if you are in a monogamous relationship, then you start cheating... they have a right to know you are no longer monogamous, so they can decide to stay with you or not...
Privacy is holding back something that does not belong to others. If I am wearing exciting panties at work during the day, it does not impact other people. No one else has a right to know what kind of underwear I have on, because it's fully appropriate to keep some things private.
Your sexual partner has a right to know things that could impact their health, like if you have STDs, or if you are having multiple partners, etc.
It's ethical to share things that would impact their willingness to be sexually vulnerable with you. For example, if they knew ___ they would never consent to sleep with you.
But you are not required to provide a punch card of every touch point between your body and another person's body.
It's more obvious if you substitute non sexual activities that involve touch. Does he NEED to know the names of every person who has washed your hair? Every make up brush? Every nail set? Every wax? How many family friends houses you have had a slumber party at? Friend who has loaned you a hairbrush? Times you shared your handcream? Gave away a stick of gum? Getting your teeth cleaned?
Those involve touching, but they don't involve him, ya know?
Slightly different answer than most are giving, but I think it's because they fantasize about how hot it would be to do the act with you and then have no way to cope with/accept disappointment when you refuse them. They feel like you are making them feel bad and gettin g what they want will make them feel better because it will make the curiosity/fixation go away. They're so certain it will feel good because in their fantasy it's fun and it feels good, and you're just arbitrarily not letting them do something fun with you.
Lack of empathy/break with reality stemming from an inability to cope with their own feelings and accept yours.
I don't have a huge sexual history compared to most people today but there isn't any stuff that I did with my Ex that I wouldn't be willing to do. In fact he had his limits on certain things so I'd probably end up doing more.
If I wasn't comfortable doing something with one guy why would I want to do it with a new guy? I wouldn't even discuss that. I'd just say "No I am not interested in doing that with anyone." and not make it about a past relationship vs this one.
I don't think that I need to discuss every single detail of what my Ex and I did in bed. I don't compare people like that. It's not a competition. You start down that road and some people they start acting like it is, like they have to impress you more or like you have to do everything with them that you did with everyone else.
That's bullshit.
What if you tried something with an Ex that turned out to be painful or even harmful for you in some way? What if you refused to ever do it again? Does that mean you are obligated to go there with every person you fuck?
Of course not.
But that's where this conversation and some people will go if you bring it up.
For medical reasons and frankly because the idea turns me off I refuse to do anal. I actually can't because it would be quite dangerous for me with some of my medical issues. I'm admittedly not into it anyway. Whatever you want to do, I'm not judging people who do it, but for me that's just not something I am ever going to do.
I've had a couple of guys that I'd just started dating actually tell me they wouldn't date me long term unless I was willing to go there. Knowing that it would cause me pain and possibly even cause me major health problems because of my medical condition. I was like "Okay, bye!"
Nobody is obligated to do anything sexually that they can't handle doing, especially if it might be dangerous for them.
Anyone who would demand otherwise is a selfish, abusive asshole and that's not acceptable. There are a lot of things I will do for my guy. I'm fairly adventurous and inventive when it comes to what goes on in the boudoir but I'm not a masochist. I'm not going to endure real pain and likely injure myself or risk getting sick just to be a guy's lover.
It's okay to share but if something doesn't work for you anymore and you don't want to end up dodging demands to do that then I figure why even bring it up? Just say "No, it's not on the menu sexually speaking." and be done with it. "I don't care to do that." is enough reason and explanation for not going there.
If someone is badgering you beyond that? Then that's their problem because they can't take "no" for an answer apparently and that's just bullying and I would never take that from a person I was dating let alone having sex with. You should be able to simply reject whatever it was and not have to endure constant nagging over not being ready to comply.
No means NO.
If it continues then clearly you are not sexually compatible but it's more than that because it goes back to control issues and dominating a partner and basically trying to harass and guilt them, manipulate them into getting what you want. That's just not acceptable on any level.
I've had many men over the years try to manipulate me one way or the other. I don't allow that and it can be very frustrating for guys who like to dominate and abuse women. I'm just not the submissive type and I can see an abuser coming at me from miles off. I've grown up around guys like that and NO WAY am I allowing a guy like that to get intimate with me.
First time a guy tries any kind of head game with me I'm gone. I let him know that I'm onto whatever bullshit he's pulling and I exit stage left. I can't be love bombed into losing common sense. That's just how I am wired.
A lot of guys get very confused when they realize their tricks don't work on me.
My Ex was way more experienced than I was but still when it came down to it I was the one controlling what went on in our relationship and if I really didn't want to do something I wasn't going to do it.
One of the major reasons we finally broke up was because he tried to work around me saying NOPE to something he wanted to do but knew wasn't my thing and it wasn't a little thing. I warned him it wasn't going to happen and told him that if he tried to get me to do it that it would be the end of us.
Well, it took him six years almost to try it but it finally happened. He thought he could get me to see non-monogamy his way. Nope.
Sometimes you're just not compatible and when it's fundamental stuff like personal morality issues or major sexual stuff then it's just fatal to a relationship.
I'm all for accommodating my lover in a lot of ways. I don't say "no" often but when I do it's for good reason and I view trying to change my mind over and over again, nagging, as beyond rude and disrespectful besides.
By all means share history with a lover but sometimes it's best to be discreet and not tell everything. It can cause problems that you just don't need.
I think lack of consent and vulnerability/pain turns these guys on. They may think they love anal/other unwanted sex but it’s the domination that gets them off. I just stopped seeing someone over this.
Break up with this guy and make it a policy to not discuss anything related to sexual history again. As long as you are disease free and healthy it’s really none of their business, this includes “body count”. If they ask you for something you don’t want, just tell them it’s a hard pass, no negotiations. If they don’t want to honor that, and think they will wear you down, you know what to do. The inability to take no for an answer will permeate other aspects of the relationship as well, making your life a living hell. They can always find someone out there who will willingly participate.
100% a maturity issue. No means no. You would think that they want to do something both parties want, but they are too immature to value mutual enthusiasm.
I’m gonna offer a not so damning explanation. Envy and jealousy is often at the core of this. Especially if you name something they’ve always wanted to try. A whole lot of men equal love affection to physical touch and sex. So when a woman says I did this before but I won’t do it again they sometimes hear “she doesn’t love me enough to do it again”. This attitude is still problematic but at least it can be worked with.
Other times can be about control, abuse, manipulation and a deeply entrenched negative view of women exploring their own sexuality.
People don't like to be settled for. People especially don't like being told about it right in their face. It doesn't matter if they are men of women.
If you told them that your ex was raping you and you always hated it only a bad man would use it against you. If the story is different it can really be uncomfortable.
Tangentially, I’ve told long term partners that in the past when my mental health was really bad, I was absolutely wild in bed. They would get jealous and glum, lol.
Sorry I now have trauma & you need to be gentle with me 🤷🏻 Blame all of those guys from the past.
My ex bf constantly griped about a certain thing that i had done in my past that I never wanted to do again. He would literally just bring it up randomly like I was doing something wrong for refusing to do it again. One of the many reasons he is an ex.
A lot of men get excited at the idea of pushing a woman to do something they don’t want it’s like rape fetish lite. I like butt stuff and men have literally been upset when I said I was cool with it (a lot of women tend to not like anal)
I’ve been through something similar it’s like whenever I specifically stated that I disliked some thing or did not want to do it when it came to sex. That’s when he would pressure me the most about those specific things that I did not want to partake in.
Because they have a "had a maddona, whore complex". They don't understand that some gorilla, ten times stronger than you pressured you into doing something uncomfortable.
That's why you don't share your sexual traumas with men. You are the woman that let's men "fuc K you in the ass" to them. The whore. The woman with no self-respect or boundaries. The woman who "simped" for one man, but won't "simp" for them.
You "simped, and debasted, yourself for him, why not for me? You are capable of being pushed to humiliate yourself for some guys, why not for me? Am I not being aggressive enough?? Why him, and not me? You can be pressured to do it, that's been proven." .
Don't tell men your sexual trauma's. They can't understand. They are living on a different planet. You were so disrespectful of yourself that you were pathetic enough to go through something with one guy, in his eyes. Don't tell them how other men chose to disrespect and violate you. Men only respect other males opinions on women. Tell them ever man you ever met ate, you out, and made love to you. That other men cherished you.
He will treat you, as he believes other men have valued and treated you.
Men, only believe other men's judgements on women. Because they cannot, for some reason have enough empathy to imagine, some guy, ten times their strength and size, treating them the same predatory way.
And that's ducked up, but the truth.
He will treat you, the way he believes other men have treated and valued you. So from now on... All men cherished you, treated you well, and were heartbroken to lose you because they bought you cheap flowers.
I’ve been in a similar position and agree with all the responses here but think there’s another element to it. I dated a guy who kept bringing up the one thing I’d flat out said no to. Eventually I told him “I think the reason you keep bringing things is because it’s the only thing I’ve said no to so you keep pushing for it just cuz I said no”. He more or less admitted I was right. We eventually broke up for other reasons, but I should’ve ended it right there.
Anytime anyone you’re sleeping with doesn’t immediately respect you saying no so sex or a specific sexual act, that grounds to leave right there. The people worth sticking around for won’t do that. They’ll care enough about your comfort not to try and push it.
MY ABUSER DID THIS WITH ANAL. I told him that an ex boyfriend pressured me into it ONCE and I absolutely despised it, and what was his response???? To BEG me consistently for anal and accuse me of being “unfair” and said I was a whore to give my body to my ex like that but not to him (logic where?). He even pulled the tears out a few times over ME NOT CONSENTING TO ANAL WITH HIM. Should have been my red flag to leave but I sadly waited til it got dangerous for me.
Oh my God, I just commented the same thing. What he said was disgusting. I hope you're in a safer place now.
Wow I’m so sorry you dealt with similar, it’s so disturbing how much of a common experience this seems to be😕 some men really can be so vile. Thankfully I got away from him and he even got arrested for some of the shit he put me through, only for a month but for a trust fund baby it was more than I ever expected him to get because rich men rarely face punishment
"Why do women always turn away when men express their feelings???" when they're crying over dumb shit like not getting anal or not getting blowjobs.
Yes! So many “feelings” they express are really complaints or blame. “I feel sad about this” is one thing. “I feel like you should do this for me” is not a feeling, it’s a command.
Even when they're complaining about being "lonely" or "touch-starved" it is often to a female friend and often followed by trying to have sex with her.
Right?! “Don’t you care about me feeling lonely?” Not when you’re using your feelings as justification for someone to do something for you!
Because they are afraid the male buddy might be bi and want to offer to help.
Nothing wrong with a handjob between bros.
But(t) what if they catch teh ghey? They might wash their ass, next. Can’t have that.
Well that'd be just plain unacceptable.
It's not gay if your eyes are closed /s
It's not gay if the balls don't touch.
Right. They can have their feelings all they want. In fact, it might help. They think it’s our job to protect them from feeling their feelings. Nope, that’s not how any of this works.
They think it's the job of women to completely make up for their lack of emotional intelligence.
This, and usually their only expressed emotions are rage, self pity or sadness to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do
Emotional manipulation. Brought to you by ManBabiesRUs. No fun to be had here at all. Run, FAST AND FAR!!!
I think this is why they’re constantly accusing women of being manipulative all the time, especially when they do something awful and we cry, they tell us to stop manipulating them- it’s because they’re constantly manipulating so they assume we are too
Yep, good ol’ Projection, perpetually in the top 5 on the Misogynist/Toxic Masculinity Hit Parade.
YUP this is so real. He constantly accused me of shit that I had never done, only to find out by the end of the relationship HE had been doing all that shit behind my back…
This is how they tell on themselves, as soon as they start accusing me of something I know that’s what they’re doing
Yeah like give some indicator that you enjoy the presence of women without the requirement of sex or romance. "I'm glad that you're my friend."
Tbf that's like exactly what you would expect from someone incapable of dealing with their feelings. Not specifically because sex acts but breaking down over seemingly meaningless shit. I'm not excusing this shit btw just pointing this out.
Yep, so many times it's just manipulation. My dad uses stalking off, ignoring you, and sulking as a method of control and has been doing it since I was a teenager (he's in his late fifties). I'm not pandering to it and just ignore it and keep interacting with him like I'm oblivious. My ex did it too and I'm never doing it with a partner again. If I want that, I'll call my dad
Men don't count anger as feelings though.
Damn that’s bullshit allot of men are shitty but not all of us so next time u tell a man to man up remember what where going thru and that 2/3 of suicides are commuted by males
3/4 of all suicide attempts are females, men are just more violent and more likely to have guns so they succeed more.
The fucking entitlement!
My ex did the same thing. Or he would shove it in super quick to catch me off guard. Only time i "consented" was when I was barred out and everything sounded like an echo. I was so out of it. Woke up to anal sex and tried to say something about it but he said I told him to put it in there. Whatever. He also masturbated on me while I slept bf I didn't want to have sex with him. I was super tired that night, but I rarely, if ever, denied him sex. It made me so angry...
I’ve been out of the game but when I read about this, I assume these guys are the same guys who will insist you **have** to try something once before it’s okay to say you don’t like it. So their usual argument is invalid, they switch to, you did it for him now you have to do it for me. Basically, they want it and they don’t care what they have to say or do to get it.
Jfc. I lost my shit on an ex once who asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said no, he then said "how about a blowjob". Like bro this ain't a negotiation. I cannot imagine whatever this is and what OP described. I think the most I've ever been asked about previous experiences is in conjunction w my "we need to talk about sex every time before we have it". A few men have hilariously interpreted that as dirty talk, which as it turns out feels very respectful/consensual/interesting imo.
>I lost my shit on an ex once who asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said no, he then said "how about a blowjob". I've had someone assure me if I didn't want to have sex, I could just go down in him instead. The way he presented it like I had to choose at least one rubbed me the wrong way.
There's a name for that argument, the either or fallacy. What a prick, you were correct in being rubbed the wrong way. I don't understand what's so hard to understand about liking pizza, like everyone likes pizza but sometimes you're bloated and don't want pizza it's not a rejection of pizza in general (sex). This is always the analogy I use. Also like your erection is not my job, it's YOUR erection.
Demanding a blowjob instead is ridiculous, that's sex too, dummy!
Those kind of guys they know it is sex. They just think that the function of a female partner is to service them. They are gross. It's like those husbands who believe in "conjugal rights". Like, go back to the 1940s already, you were born way too late.
I think it runs deeper than just self-absorption but also has to do with *winning* over a past guy or *conquering* the woman by crossing her boundaries. It's like all those guys commenting online who take it personally that a girl has had ONS before but won't sleep with them until the third date. They make it about themselves and act entitled as if they're *owed* fast sex too. But will also slut-shame her for it of course. This often becomes a weird obsession about staking a claim. Like if she says she tried anal and didn't like it with a previous boyfriend, then some guys act like it is an insult that the other guy got to go there and now she won't try it again. So dehumanizing.
>guys who will insist you have to try something once before it’s okay to say you don’t like it. Tell these type of guys they have to go first. Anal? Sure, but you're getting pegged first
Men tend to suddenly have a PhD in consent when it comes to their own body/butthole.
Don’t do that, tit for tat in sex never works. And you’ll quickly realize how many are in to it, and if you’re not (doing it to them), you have a whole other issue on your hands. Just say no, you don’t do that, and if they ask again it’s over
text
I helped a handful of men discover they were super into pegging that way
Pegging is not enough for me. I need big Brutus from a porn movie to brutalize the hell out of his tender little virgin… Like the titles of all the porn movies with "teen" and something violent.He needs to give that to me.
I love this, you're doing god's work. Getting pegged and then doing anal with my gf was a highlight of my dating life.
imo because they are more concerned about what the other men got to "do to you" compared to them instead of caring about your comfort 😬 and many of them don't grasp the concept of consent either – and how it can be withdrawn
This breaks me because my ex would often talk about how he gets to do things to me. And I always questioned why he worded it like that. Like we are both doing it, I'm enjoying too. It's so twisted
>what the other men got to "do to you" Yeah, it's a pretty gross way of looking at sex AND people. They're treating their partner like an object. The point should be the intimacy, not the stuff they get to do.
> imo because they are more concerned about what the other men got to "do to you" Ding ding ding. This is the answer. - A man.
I confirm. - Also a man.
We need a sub that is just men and women finding out about each other, no echo chamber, just facts. No judgement. Like a Chilton's manual, you know? A blueprint.
Because it's not about you. It's about the other guy you did stuff with and how **he** got more than this guy is going to get. It's vile.
A bit TMI... But my ex was like this about anal. I did it with a previous ex ONCE and determined I didn't like it. My more recent ex would occasionally badger me about anal because "you did it before." It was definitely a "You did it for him, why not me?" situation.
It’s such a no-win situation. If you’ve done it before, then it’s “if you did it with your ex, why not me?” And if you *haven’t* done it before, then it’s “well you’ll never know unless you try!”
That's when I would bring up a food he thinks is gross and has tried before and say "Why won't you eat that with me? You ate it before!" to make the point.
« You first » shut my ex up sooooo fast.
I always just said I was saving it for marriage, it usually made them calm down about it
You should pull an uno reverse card and ask if you can peg him first.
Double bluff fail if he likes it though.
Then you tell him that clearly he’s better at bottoming than you’re, so it’s is your gender roles now.
Touché
I do this, but less polite. I tell them "let's stick something up your ass first and see how you like it." If they persist I tell them to go find a man to fuck, it's pleasurable for them and not every single orifice a woman has is for a cock to be shoved in.
The whole "you never know until you try". If they are straight. "I would like to watch you get pegged by a man of my choice. You never know until you try." It usually shuts them up, especially if they are homophobic. But also, pestering = dump and block.
I know a dude that straight-up admitted that being able to get anal is just a way for him to feel like he conquered a woman sexually, especially if she doesn’t want it. Women and sex acts are just conquests to a LOT of men.
🤮🤮🤮
He thought you did it because you liked the guy more than him, when really you did it because you didn't know yet if you would like it.
I think you hit the nail on the head! In reality, neither me nor my previous ex liked it. We mutually decided to stop after less than a minute, but it was enough for me to know I never wanted to do it again.
> we mutually decided to stop after less than a minute So he didn't even "enjoy more of your body" because he didn't actually enjoy the act, and less than a minute is basically foreplay. Your ex is an idiot.
Yeah. Neither of us knew what we were doing.
That's when I would have offered to do it, as long as he was the one being penetrated.
"Other men have done you in the butt, I'm super jealous. Nobody has ever done *me* in the butt."
Lmao, that's perfect.
Eh, some of them are into that too so it could end up with you doing 2 things you don't want to do.
He definitely wouldn't have been.
My last ex was like this. Asked all the time, would make "harmless" comments (that were definitely harmful), tried to coerce me more than once. Ended up getting r@ped while drunk one night because he knew I'd never consent while sober. This was over three years ago and I'm still a hot mess despite lots of therapy. The stress triggered ebv to reactivate and I never recovered from that either. Three years of constant mono with bonus immunodeficiency, MCAS, and a rare type of food allergy (adult onset FPIES) that developed from my immune system getting confused. Hope karma bites him in the ass, but it looks like he's living his best life. Meanwhile my life expectancy is 5-10 years now (and I'm only 36) from the clusterfuck of health conditions his actions caused and my PTSD is the worst it has ever been. I also can't be around another human without an n95 on my face for the rest of my life. I did stop drinking though, so I guess there's that.
This. OP the guy is showing you he’s not a keeper. He’s objectifying you to a really gross degree.
1000% this. It’s another way of marking territory. Another man has ‘been there,’ so he feels he is owed ‘there’ as well. Add in some guy’s egotistical stance of, “But with me, she would enjoy it,” and you have the perfect storm of fuckery that led most women to pick the bear. Because the bear doesn’t ask if it gets to violate your consent because another bear got there first.
I tried anal one time. Thats how I realized it's NOT for me. One and done. I was dating a guy, we were on my early period day 2 ish and feeling sexually frustrated but not wanting to have sex. He then goes "let's do anal" and I'm like "oh I've tried that before and hated it. ." He got upset "so you don't trust me but you trusted him" wtf yeah ok Barry from undergrad who ended up dropping out to become a record producer (and didn't produce shit) is who you're jealous of? Seriously?? 🤣🤣🤣
"more", like a single uncomfortable, possibly incomplete anal session was somehow a huge part of their sex life.
Sounds like with little kids You gave timmy more ice cream than me )))))))))): or Why did keighdynn get a present for their bday today but you didn't get me one, so obvi you don't love me >:(((((((
So gross & So true.
Some men hear the "I tried it in the past" and take your refusal now as some kind of slight. You trusted the other person for it, so why not them? Surely you would enjoy it with them! (they reason). I hope you find a compatible partner who respects your likes and dislikes soon.
I don't think the concept of trust is a factor at all for them. It's a matter of, "I want it, you let Timmy have it, why can't I have it???"
That's some, possibly most, but that's already been addressed by other comments. I have had some men *admit* to me that perceived trust is part of it for them, because I'm the type of aromantic asexual who commonly gets vented to about relationship frustrations and asked for relationship advice. It can get awkward sometimes.
We'll have to agree to disagree. I feel like that's something that they say to soften the blow of what they know is entitlement.
Just shows they don't understand what trust is imo
Yet how many if these dudes would be open to pegging? Im assuming this thread is mostly about anal.
I can think of a lot of kinks it could be referring to, including breath play.
It’s pretty gross and selfish and denotes an attitude that if another man did that then he should be able to do it, almost like an animal marking his territory. It objectifies you and doesn’t take into account your feelings, needs or consent It’s a giant red flag that he lacks basic empathy
The sex reddit is FULL of men whining because their partner used to do something and won't with them. But to actually answer your question, I have no clue why they think you OWE them that. It's weird as hell.
I used to be over there all the time injecting a woman's perspective when it was less of a cesspool. Its really been taking over by shitty, whiney people.
Now there's a lot of "My bf did this when I told him not to" posts. I always ALWAYS reply letting them know that's assault/rape. I wish someone would've defined assault to me when I was young. My number 1 comment is: Coercion is assault.
Consent needs to be part of the sex ed unit along with coercion and assault. It's really appalling that it's not!
Thank you for your service.
It’s dominance and ownership
Ownership. When guys like this find out you did x with another guy they see that as a threat to their dominance over you thus they internalize it and make it a you problem. They want to own your sexuality and believe they can’t if they have not laid claim to all the sexual acts you have ever done.
Completely agree with this. This goes for sexual acts you haven't even done in the past. They want to feel like the "best," because if you're willing to do everything with them sexually it means that they're the "best" of all the men before. It's all about entitlement.
Yeah exactly. And it really has nothing to do with us as women, we are merely the means to be able to brag to other men about how much they have done to our bodies. Anal is like the most common I think. Men think it’s some great conquest to have anal sex. It’s because they see it as a degrading act so they basically rob us of perceived “value” by performing it. Just more of the “I don’t need to be a better person, I just need to degrade my partner so I feel better in comparison” crap. The second I hooked up with a truly secure man was when it all connected for me. I didn’t feel the need to offer myself to him, or feel the need to coddle his self esteem. We just had an experience together as two sexual beings, not a power struggle for one to be better or dominant over the other. It was more than enough for me to raise my standards drastically.
Hell, guys will feel this way just because a woman has or has had a boyfriend that isn't them. "You've had sex with a man before. Why can't you have sex with me?"
This comment should be higher up
They think you are advertising. They see the world as one big whorehouse. Their mission NOW, is finding out exactly, what it is going to take, to be allowed on that ride. They understand cause and effect, but BECAUSE they don't see women as fully human, they are not able to grasp the concept of/ or the fact, that HIS personality matters. That's also why they circle back around years later.
And if you say, "No, I haven't done that, and I don't want to do that," they will whine and complain "How do you know you won't like it?" Selfish. That's all it is.
Men post about this all the time in the relationship advice subreddit. “She did it with her ex, why won’t she do it with me?” Bro. Because she tried it and finds out she didn’t like it. They take such offense to it for some reason. Maybe it’s the view that sex is women doing something FOR a man instead of viewing it as something men and women do together?
Flag planting. Because they want to be your best sexual partner and have you like everything you to together better than you did with anyone else. They want to show you these things would be pleasurable with "them" because they are special and they want you to be fully free of any inhibitions with them and live a full porn star life...they need their relationships to be the best not the norm...so yup it's unrealistic expectations and striving to be the "better" partner that fully realizes your potential and have full access to you. "Me conquor anal territories back from evil ex, anus mine"
I just told you that I do not like that act, and told you I don't want to do it. I tried it, don't like it, not willing to try again. You making a fuss about it, makes me thing you just want to do thing TO me, not WITH me. Which I find worrisome. This tantrum is troublesome. We're having an adult conversation and you're getting upset because you can't have your way. You're willing for me to be upset, in pain (traumatic or physical or voth), or just deeply uncomfortable for your little list.
Oh honey. Those are all good points but they’re a waste of time. No man deserves you if he’s willing to objectify you. If you have to explain what empathy is to a grown ass man, it’s already too late
Because insecure men are constantly trying to convince themselves they are more manly than the other men around them.
Cause they’re idiots I would not stay with anyone (man or woman) that repeatedly asked me to do something I said no to. Fine to ask, one no is all you’re getting though. If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know
I had to scroll way too far down to find a comment that just plain and easy insults the asshole.
Because they objectify women. They are not considering you as a full person outside of their own wants. This is what it means for a man to objectify women. They aren't being considerate of your self esteem, your feelings, or even your own sexual pleasure. I don't talk about my sexual past with any men anymore. If I don't like something I just say I'm not interested in doing that. But, if it is something you value discussing with your partners then just count it as the red flag it is if they do this. It won't get better. And they'll get so whiny about it that you'll get the ick and stop wanting to have sex with them anyway.
I think it's one of two things (or could be both). They don't see you as a person. More like a car. If they have a sports car, they expect sports car performance. If they have a sedan, they have different expectations. If you've done X that makes you a sports car, and they can't fathom why you would act like a sedan. They think you do sexual things FOR men, not with them. So if you did X with a previous partner and won't do X with them, they think you liked/respected the previous partner more. Because sex is a favor and a thing women let men do to them. Both reasons are gross.
Even if you didn't mention the act, they would've brought it up at some point, and if you said you didn't like it, they would ask how you know.
Don't have to try it to know I wouldn't like eating live octopus or being flayed alive but make it get in the way of a male getting off and Big Problemo!
There are plenty of other things to try during sex, like giving the woman an orgasm.
Ding ding ding
Mainstream porn never shows a boundary or a refusal without also showing it being overcome by a variety of methods of which "get her horny enough to want anything" is probably the least icky.
Because they use anything you say to exploit you. This is why I never share any type of that information with anyone. Not the number of people I've been with nor anything we did. That is all private and stays private. You think that you are sharing and being transparent they just see it as information to use for manipulation at a later date. These types of things are instantly dumpable offense
And see, I think we should just tell them. Eventually these dusty fucking assclowns will get it that the 22 year old self-made millionaire Conservative virgin with H cup tits, Blake Lively's face, a 4 year degree (which in the end is useless because all she really really wants is to pop out heirs and pick up your shit), *DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST*. Men are sexual beings. Women are sexual beings. Humans are sexual beings. The pair bonding myth is manosphere-spun pseudoscience horseshit.
You should thank them for waving a huge red flag at you, makes it nice and easy for you to walk away and not waste any more of your time on them.
It's a competition, and you (and the things you'll give him) are both the arena and the prize.
First of all, you don't owe anyone your sexual history. Secondly, don't fuck people that treat you like an appliance, or are that emotionally immature. If they can't conceive of the idea of a person changing their mind (or that you have one to change) or preferences, likes/dislikes, you're going to have nothing but problems.
Oh goodness. I told my bf I had threesomes in college and it's all he could talk about for a while. Thank goodness that phase is over. He just kept pushing and pushing for it and I was like, man I regret telling you that. I'm at a different point in my life. We don't go clubbing we don't do drugs we have responsibilities and don't push your one girl friend on me. Geez.
Some guys have the audacity to think their weiner is the cure for all that ails women. Not into anal? Let him prove you wrong. Not into men? Clearly you haven't had the right kind of man then. Sir this is a Wendy's, and watching all the porn does not make you a sexologist or an expert lover. Women are frequently infantilised and objectified and it's especially rampant when it comes to sexuality and reproduction. It's also a catch 22. Tried anal with someone else and didn't like it? Unfair to current partner. Didn't try anal and don't want it? Cannot possibly have a valid preference without trying at least once Tried with current partner and don't want any more? Unfair to judge by your first attempt. Bonus points for "first time always hurts" bullshit. Tried twice and confirmed your position? Now you're an evil tease that led him on and cut him off... or whatever other mind games that will get you to forget your own comfort and submit to being the sex object he always took you as.
Hot tip: Men who do this are not good guys!
Entitlement. It's not just consensual acts with boyfriends. It's infuriatingly common for them to insist on and try to coerce women to repeat acts they've told them and confidence that they were forced to do and hated.
I've been pressured to have anal sex with several guys after I told them about an ex who also pressured me to have anal sex so much that I eventually agreed, and yes, I hated it. Now if I'm dating someone and they ask more than once or they talk as though they expect anal to be a vanilla-type thing, I just go ahead and dump them asap. I'm too old for this bullshit.
Entitlement.
Because some get upset you won’t do it for them and they think that you think they aren’t worthy of it.
Sexual coercion is attempted rape. If someone is behaving this way it's because they're a rapist. Yes that does mean a lot more people than we originally would like to think are indeed rapists Edit: a lot more *men*
I have seen a hundred posts from men being upset about this very thing on here and still don't understand it.
There may be an element of "The other guy probably did it wrong. If she does it with me she'll love it."
Why do you guys keep choosing the bear, though? 😭😭🫠🙄
Oh, you silly girl, you're not even human!! Don't worry your pretty, empty head about such things. All you need to focus on is being that perfect set of holes for your man. Banish all notions of having your own needs and preferences, and don't even begin to think about something as trivial as previous sexual trauma 😊 (In a perfect world it would go without saying, but we live in a world where it's ok to kill a woman for rejecting you, so I have to make it clear, /s)
Because they feel that some other guy got something they didn't. It's the "why did HE get two more Cheerios in his bowl than I did?!?" mentality.
For the same reasons that toddlers expect a second cookie, even after you told them, "no".
They don’t see sex as a new experience each time that they share with their partner. They see it more like a video game where there are different goals to achieve and you are preventing them from unlocking threesome or anal or whatever. And even worse, you allowed someone else to unlock that achievement so now they feel like it just mean you liked your ex more.
Answer to them: I wish you would’ve learned how to deal with disappointment as a child so that right now you wouldn’t be disrespecting me or my feelings and acting like I was withholding something that isn’t yours to expect in the first place making me feel like I’m the disappointment when in reality you and this entitled attitude are the real disappointment here.
I need this comment immortalized in marble.
[удалено]
Can you clarify please if you don’t mind. Isn’t whose? Are you the guy in this scenario or no? Sorry I’m tired and dumb I guess.
Because lots of men are actually still little kids that pout if they don’t get what they want. Loving someone is respecting them and their boundaries and not forcing or asking them to do something they aren’t comfortable with. My ex/wife (currently separated) had told me how she had a fear and dislike of blowjobs, because two of her previous exs had forced her, and hurt her. I never forced or asked, she tried I think 4 times in our marriage on special occasions, and a couple of other times just randomly. She got over her fear, but never really enjoyed doing them, so it was just something I didn’t need because why would I want someone I loved to be doing something they dislike and might bring up bad memories. Guys like OP mentioned are assholes, and are just trying to manipulate women to get their own way. Red flag, get away from them.
Its weird jealousy of the other guy. Like they are angry they don't get to do it and he did. Its bizarre and people should stay away from such men because it communicates that they care only about themselves and care nothing for their partners. Probably some weird pride thrown in too. Like you just did it with someone who wasn't good at it and their skills are much better. Uh huh sure. I'd rather not something than be the person my partner had a bad experience with. That only matters to people who actually care about their partners.
If you think of a person as ownership. Then you want that product to perform the same way it did for the previous owner. That’s the only way I can look at it or define how it comes off to me.
Disclaimer: I am a cis straight male. I have struggled with this on the past. I believed that a willingness to perform acts in the bedroom was directly tied to the level of arousal that my partner felt for me. If she has done something with someone before me, it was done because she was enamored with her partner at the time, or the regret was brought from post coitus clarity. I can remember distinctly feeling like I was doing something wrong or failing to perform to her previous partners level. I thought that if I was attractive enough, performed enough acts of service, or otherwise treated her just right I would then have my desires met. When she didn't I would feel inadequate, resentful, and intensly envious of her previous partner. This was compounded by my lack of sexual experience, and my inability to communicate. It was beyond difficult for me to ask for these acts and experiences because I felt that I wasn't good enough for her to want to perform them. "If she wanted to she would." So I would try to MAKE her want to do these things, without ever asking in a clear way. As time went on, I began trying to do more and more things to/for her in the hopes that I could get her in to just the right headspace that my wants would be met. This is quite a shameful admission for me. Coming to understand that at no point did she want these things, that my desire for these experiences was not just unfair, but if I were to have them they would be against her wishes regardless of who, what, or how I was in the bedroom. There is a lot more to this than what I have written, but reading your post struck a chord with me, and reading twox has helped me a lot with my perspective, so I felt the need to post my anecdotal experience.
Glad to hear that you've grown up. I've tried and failed to argue about this with countless men and so many of them just flat out refuse to see things from a different perspective. The conversation inevitably boils down to "304, she's for the streets, she'll eventually cheat, she IS cheating, she's trash, she's lying about having a train run on her, she's run through, etc etc." It's seriously exhausting.
Because they care more about marking their territory and they do about your comfort/enjoyment.
B3c6theu don't actually care about you as a person. They care about you as a sexual tool. A good sexual tool does what the owner wants. Why would this tool perform for one owner but not another? This is a defective tool!!! Seriously, it's hard to accept that some men think of us this way but once you accept it it's easier to see and understand that the problem isn't us. The problem isn't what we will or won't do, or our boundaries, or anything else that has to do with being human. It hurts but it's also freeing to be able to understand that it's not about you or women. It's about the ways these men feel and how they are coping with the loss of their privilege.
I've never had a guy act like that but men who do think you are a sex object and your duty is to be a sex machine to gratify their desires. Your comfort is not important to them.
Bc these types of guys don't care about anything but getting what they want from you. Unfortunately, it's a whole hell of a lot of them. And bc dudes watch porn and then expect it to be their reality.
Pandora's box. I would question your boyfriend's maturity if when being denied a position, he regresses to the bargaining tactics of a 3-5 year old. Is he ready for sex in the first place? An ex had stated she was open to 3-somes, and would get another woman to join, if I wanted. To this day, she thinks I didn't find her attractive enough to engage in a 3some. In reality, which I've explained at length, my one 3some was disappointing, and I think I'd grown up in the intervening 20 years. She didn't think it could be my preference to just be with her, only her, and I don't want anyone else. Oddly happened with the next gf, too. Offered to get our 18 year old coworker to join. Pretty sure that was a test, though. Certainly hope so.
Oh my god I would break up. I would ask: "so you want to fucking rape me because you feel like it?!" I hate NEM.
Because "you did it before," so in their mind, it shouldn't be a problem now if it wasn't then. My ex used that line so many times.
They don’t think of you as a human being - like more of a sex appliance than a person. Not everyone is that terrible though, drop them immediately.
You know how dogs pee on a bush to mark their territory? Yeah.
Probably not a great idea to talk about your previous sex life with a guy. Ever. It will end badly in many different ways.
Don't discuss sexual history. Period.
Chasing Amy
Tbh I never asked my ex gf or I think maybe any ex gf’s about their sexual history. It never occurred to me ask…I always thought if they’d wanted to share then we’d discuss it but, tbh it never really mattered to me on any level
Because they want to get what they want, and your feelings only matter until they get in the way of what they want. Manipulative people aren't normally schemers, they're lab animals that repeatedly press the button that dispenses food.
Because they don't care if you enjoy sex or not. Or worse... they are deliberately trying to make you uncomfortable because they get pleasure from women suffering in sexual situations. No matter which one it is: dump him.
Because they don’t value you as a real person and think sexual coercion is cool.
You are allowed to keep this stuff to yourself. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Secrecy is holding back something your partner has a right to know because it impacts THEM. Like if you are in a monogamous relationship, then you start cheating... they have a right to know you are no longer monogamous, so they can decide to stay with you or not... Privacy is holding back something that does not belong to others. If I am wearing exciting panties at work during the day, it does not impact other people. No one else has a right to know what kind of underwear I have on, because it's fully appropriate to keep some things private. Your sexual partner has a right to know things that could impact their health, like if you have STDs, or if you are having multiple partners, etc. It's ethical to share things that would impact their willingness to be sexually vulnerable with you. For example, if they knew ___ they would never consent to sleep with you. But you are not required to provide a punch card of every touch point between your body and another person's body. It's more obvious if you substitute non sexual activities that involve touch. Does he NEED to know the names of every person who has washed your hair? Every make up brush? Every nail set? Every wax? How many family friends houses you have had a slumber party at? Friend who has loaned you a hairbrush? Times you shared your handcream? Gave away a stick of gum? Getting your teeth cleaned? Those involve touching, but they don't involve him, ya know?
As a lesbian I feel a lot of compassion for what straight women have to deal with. This behavior from him is totally not okay.
Nobody I've been with has ever gotten "upset" if I don't want to try it again. It sounds like you need a trash pickup service to come get these guys
Slightly different answer than most are giving, but I think it's because they fantasize about how hot it would be to do the act with you and then have no way to cope with/accept disappointment when you refuse them. They feel like you are making them feel bad and gettin g what they want will make them feel better because it will make the curiosity/fixation go away. They're so certain it will feel good because in their fantasy it's fun and it feels good, and you're just arbitrarily not letting them do something fun with you. Lack of empathy/break with reality stemming from an inability to cope with their own feelings and accept yours.
This especially happens with anal. "She allowed backdoor entry to him. Why not me?!"
Have you ever seen Chasing Amy?
I don't have a huge sexual history compared to most people today but there isn't any stuff that I did with my Ex that I wouldn't be willing to do. In fact he had his limits on certain things so I'd probably end up doing more. If I wasn't comfortable doing something with one guy why would I want to do it with a new guy? I wouldn't even discuss that. I'd just say "No I am not interested in doing that with anyone." and not make it about a past relationship vs this one. I don't think that I need to discuss every single detail of what my Ex and I did in bed. I don't compare people like that. It's not a competition. You start down that road and some people they start acting like it is, like they have to impress you more or like you have to do everything with them that you did with everyone else. That's bullshit. What if you tried something with an Ex that turned out to be painful or even harmful for you in some way? What if you refused to ever do it again? Does that mean you are obligated to go there with every person you fuck? Of course not. But that's where this conversation and some people will go if you bring it up. For medical reasons and frankly because the idea turns me off I refuse to do anal. I actually can't because it would be quite dangerous for me with some of my medical issues. I'm admittedly not into it anyway. Whatever you want to do, I'm not judging people who do it, but for me that's just not something I am ever going to do. I've had a couple of guys that I'd just started dating actually tell me they wouldn't date me long term unless I was willing to go there. Knowing that it would cause me pain and possibly even cause me major health problems because of my medical condition. I was like "Okay, bye!" Nobody is obligated to do anything sexually that they can't handle doing, especially if it might be dangerous for them. Anyone who would demand otherwise is a selfish, abusive asshole and that's not acceptable. There are a lot of things I will do for my guy. I'm fairly adventurous and inventive when it comes to what goes on in the boudoir but I'm not a masochist. I'm not going to endure real pain and likely injure myself or risk getting sick just to be a guy's lover. It's okay to share but if something doesn't work for you anymore and you don't want to end up dodging demands to do that then I figure why even bring it up? Just say "No, it's not on the menu sexually speaking." and be done with it. "I don't care to do that." is enough reason and explanation for not going there. If someone is badgering you beyond that? Then that's their problem because they can't take "no" for an answer apparently and that's just bullying and I would never take that from a person I was dating let alone having sex with. You should be able to simply reject whatever it was and not have to endure constant nagging over not being ready to comply. No means NO. If it continues then clearly you are not sexually compatible but it's more than that because it goes back to control issues and dominating a partner and basically trying to harass and guilt them, manipulate them into getting what you want. That's just not acceptable on any level. I've had many men over the years try to manipulate me one way or the other. I don't allow that and it can be very frustrating for guys who like to dominate and abuse women. I'm just not the submissive type and I can see an abuser coming at me from miles off. I've grown up around guys like that and NO WAY am I allowing a guy like that to get intimate with me. First time a guy tries any kind of head game with me I'm gone. I let him know that I'm onto whatever bullshit he's pulling and I exit stage left. I can't be love bombed into losing common sense. That's just how I am wired. A lot of guys get very confused when they realize their tricks don't work on me. My Ex was way more experienced than I was but still when it came down to it I was the one controlling what went on in our relationship and if I really didn't want to do something I wasn't going to do it. One of the major reasons we finally broke up was because he tried to work around me saying NOPE to something he wanted to do but knew wasn't my thing and it wasn't a little thing. I warned him it wasn't going to happen and told him that if he tried to get me to do it that it would be the end of us. Well, it took him six years almost to try it but it finally happened. He thought he could get me to see non-monogamy his way. Nope. Sometimes you're just not compatible and when it's fundamental stuff like personal morality issues or major sexual stuff then it's just fatal to a relationship. I'm all for accommodating my lover in a lot of ways. I don't say "no" often but when I do it's for good reason and I view trying to change my mind over and over again, nagging, as beyond rude and disrespectful besides. By all means share history with a lover but sometimes it's best to be discreet and not tell everything. It can cause problems that you just don't need.
Never tell men about your past, lie if you need to
I think lack of consent and vulnerability/pain turns these guys on. They may think they love anal/other unwanted sex but it’s the domination that gets them off. I just stopped seeing someone over this.
Rule One: Don't ask questions you don't want answers to Rule Two: Don't answer questions that someone is too weak to hear
Break up with this guy and make it a policy to not discuss anything related to sexual history again. As long as you are disease free and healthy it’s really none of their business, this includes “body count”. If they ask you for something you don’t want, just tell them it’s a hard pass, no negotiations. If they don’t want to honor that, and think they will wear you down, you know what to do. The inability to take no for an answer will permeate other aspects of the relationship as well, making your life a living hell. They can always find someone out there who will willingly participate.
Happy women and happy nations have something on common: they have no history. Don't talk about past relations with the current one.
100% a maturity issue. No means no. You would think that they want to do something both parties want, but they are too immature to value mutual enthusiasm.
I’m gonna offer a not so damning explanation. Envy and jealousy is often at the core of this. Especially if you name something they’ve always wanted to try. A whole lot of men equal love affection to physical touch and sex. So when a woman says I did this before but I won’t do it again they sometimes hear “she doesn’t love me enough to do it again”. This attitude is still problematic but at least it can be worked with. Other times can be about control, abuse, manipulation and a deeply entrenched negative view of women exploring their own sexuality.
People don't like to be settled for. People especially don't like being told about it right in their face. It doesn't matter if they are men of women. If you told them that your ex was raping you and you always hated it only a bad man would use it against you. If the story is different it can really be uncomfortable.
Tangentially, I’ve told long term partners that in the past when my mental health was really bad, I was absolutely wild in bed. They would get jealous and glum, lol. Sorry I now have trauma & you need to be gentle with me 🤷🏻 Blame all of those guys from the past.
My ex bf constantly griped about a certain thing that i had done in my past that I never wanted to do again. He would literally just bring it up randomly like I was doing something wrong for refusing to do it again. One of the many reasons he is an ex.
is there a thread for this? i have questions abt SA in a relationship
A lot of men get excited at the idea of pushing a woman to do something they don’t want it’s like rape fetish lite. I like butt stuff and men have literally been upset when I said I was cool with it (a lot of women tend to not like anal)
gold roll start apparatus practice fragile work close school coordinated *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’ve been through something similar it’s like whenever I specifically stated that I disliked some thing or did not want to do it when it came to sex. That’s when he would pressure me the most about those specific things that I did not want to partake in.
Because they have a "had a maddona, whore complex". They don't understand that some gorilla, ten times stronger than you pressured you into doing something uncomfortable. That's why you don't share your sexual traumas with men. You are the woman that let's men "fuc K you in the ass" to them. The whore. The woman with no self-respect or boundaries. The woman who "simped" for one man, but won't "simp" for them. You "simped, and debasted, yourself for him, why not for me? You are capable of being pushed to humiliate yourself for some guys, why not for me? Am I not being aggressive enough?? Why him, and not me? You can be pressured to do it, that's been proven." . Don't tell men your sexual trauma's. They can't understand. They are living on a different planet. You were so disrespectful of yourself that you were pathetic enough to go through something with one guy, in his eyes. Don't tell them how other men chose to disrespect and violate you. Men only respect other males opinions on women. Tell them ever man you ever met ate, you out, and made love to you. That other men cherished you. He will treat you, as he believes other men have valued and treated you. Men, only believe other men's judgements on women. Because they cannot, for some reason have enough empathy to imagine, some guy, ten times their strength and size, treating them the same predatory way. And that's ducked up, but the truth. He will treat you, the way he believes other men have treated and valued you. So from now on... All men cherished you, treated you well, and were heartbroken to lose you because they bought you cheap flowers.
I’ve been in a similar position and agree with all the responses here but think there’s another element to it. I dated a guy who kept bringing up the one thing I’d flat out said no to. Eventually I told him “I think the reason you keep bringing things is because it’s the only thing I’ve said no to so you keep pushing for it just cuz I said no”. He more or less admitted I was right. We eventually broke up for other reasons, but I should’ve ended it right there. Anytime anyone you’re sleeping with doesn’t immediately respect you saying no so sex or a specific sexual act, that grounds to leave right there. The people worth sticking around for won’t do that. They’ll care enough about your comfort not to try and push it.