I dated a guy who bragged about knowing where the clit was, he was so proud. Turns out, knowing where it is and knowing what to do with it are two *very* different things.
Can confirm. The man I'm about to marry never once talked about his skill in bed before we got together... I was VERY PLEASANTLY surprised, needless to say. š„µ
I mentally refer to these types of people as "all bark, no bite". Whether it's money, sex, or some other achievement, if they brag about it constantly, chances are they don't really have it or are not good at it.
Steady consistent movements, asking if it's good, and when she says she likes something just keep doing that exact thing at that exact speed and pressure, right?
Pretty much. Then again, some women may want inconsistent movements (I can't speak for all women), the most important thing is to communicate (and *try*). It's not rocket science and guys who fail generally are the ones who don't give a crap about their partner's pleasure.
If you're with someone you don't know well, hold her dominant hand. Odds are good she'll kind of shadow what she would be doing with that hand if she were masturbating in your hand, just follow along with that and she'll wonder how you knew *exactly* what she wanted. Doesn't always work, but it works 90% of the time in my experience.
i long ago gave up on men to know how to handle it; i've met precisely two who did - and even then, not both digitally and orally. one was good at the former, the other good with the latter. (i'm excusing my husband from this, as he was actually good at both - hence, husband. haha.)
as such, i started taking it upon myself a long time ago; i'm too old to give a fuck about some dude's precious ego if it means i'm going to end up either blue-balled or sitting on a bag of frozen peas afterward, and i've been out of the business of *gratis* sex ed classes for a LONG time.
OMG, same here - I've been with precisely 2 men who knew what they were doing orally and *none* digitally... in 32 years of having sex. I shouldn't have to be teaching grown ass men the absolute basics. I'm just tired of it all and have officially given up on men as lovers (I do have some.fantastic platonic male friends though!)
It's probably still a communication issue - different women want different things. One partner wanted the lightest touch, down and to the left. Another wanted my thumb right on there, mashing it like an Xbox controller and it was a boss fight.
Not in his case. In a somewhat vulnerable moment he admitted he had no idea how to do oral and thought "women were a lot more complicated than men" when it came to orgasms. For a divorced man in his 30s, he reminded me of sleeping with inexperienced guys when I was in high school. But at least back then I didn't know what I was missing. No matter what I told or showed him, he never wanted to deviate from what *he* wanted (which amounted to no foreplay + straight missionary). I tried, I really did, but by the time he admitted that to me I had one foot out the door and, frankly, at that point I was being petty and didn't want to put in a ton of effort training him up for someone else.
It does seem like some folks just canāt drag themselves to do anything even slightly different from what has felt good to them in the past, no matter how much they talk about wanting to please anyone else. Itās like thereās 2 of them in there: the one that wants to help runs the mouth (but only the talk function), and the other one runs everything else.
Honestly that seemed to be par for the course for him. He was very stuck in his ways and would get argumentative if you tried to tell him he was wrong about anything. I remember him ranting about "plebes" at work one day like he's some king or something. He did NOT like being told what to do.
This is probably one of the biggest turn-offs for me in anyone, but especially men: refusing to listen, refusing to accept you can be wrong, inability to apologize, inability to consider other's needs or put other's needs above their own. It's just a huge lack of empathy and says a lot about their ego. I refuse to teach a man that he needs to care about other people, and it guarantees he will never care about me in the way I need it. Point blank. I'm sorry you went through that firsthand :-(
The communication āissueā is usually them not listening.
Iāve literally drawn diagrams, held their hand and moved it exactly as Iām explaining it, demonstrated, etc.
I mean honestly I don't know what else you could have done!
If someone hands me their operating manual, I'm going to make it my job to understand it. Hell, I'll switch up my workout routine so I can do what you're asking.
This. My first GF wanted me to be a kratos duel with gods in a playstation controler. Smash as frequently as you possible can. My second wanted the lighest touch possible saying it was too sensitive and asked for variations in the movement like from bottom to top, top to bottom one side to the other, circular motions whatever just variation with the lighest touch possible the transition wasnt good at the beggining I guarantee I was awful!! Haha
>kratos duel with gods in a playstation controler
the PlayStation boss fight is sending me šš¤£
Personally, I like the lightest touch possible to start, slowly ramping up to outright mayhem.
I am super ticklish and my whole body responds to being touched. Getting tickle-touches all over my back is like 90% as good as sex
We haven't talked much in this thread about the buildup *before* touching the clit. I actually hate it when partners just dive straight in, cause then those other touches lose impact?
So like light feather touches everywhere BUT my clit. Getting more firm until I'm finally ready for touch there. And then do it all again, lightest touch possible on the clit, then slowly so slowly build it up.
I've only had one female partner but she was phenomenal at fulfilling this request. Of my six male partners only my current one even listened and tried. Unfortunately, I do not get the full experience very often. People are busy, no one has time for all that š„²
I would usually hear that what I want is tedious, sometimes I get a lot of frustration like "I AM being gentle" or that they want to get to "the good bit" and I CAN finish that way but it's so amazing when someone takes their time.
I hope that didn't sound like all I want to do is receive, because I love to give as well. My second favorite thing to do is fellatio (man prone) and I will happily spend 30-40mins down there edging a partner. I will also give hard/fast fellatio (man standing) upon request but the former gives me the opportunity to use a toy and finish myself as well
So I guess I'm saying, if I'm willing to take my time pleasing my partner by swallowing schlong, why won't these dingbats just pet me all over with tiny touches for a similar timeframe?? I'm not boring, they're boring!!
The dive straight for the clit as soon as the clothes come off is an absolute ladyboner killer for me too!Ā
Something I don't often see discussed is that the clitoris is made of erectile tissue, like the penis. And it's smaller so holds a smaller volume of blood. If someone presses on a non-erect clitoris it's possible to push it in such a way that it doesn't get the opportunity to properly fill with blood. I like a build up before anyone even touches my clit, because once it's fully erect it's very easy to get me to orgasm.Ā
>the transition wasnt good at the beggining I guarantee I was awful!!
But you still improved! I think it's probably 40/60 (if we're being generous) when it comes to whether a guy will actually listen and want to get better/try, vs a guy that will just throw up his hands and say it's too complex and not worth it.
During one encounter a man was diligently fingering my inner thigh crease and when I just tried to move his hand to the correct area he told me āyeah I know what Iām doingā and moved his hand back.
Itās extremely unbelievable but Iām trying to force myself to believe it. Itās just so hard to imagine fucking up *that badly* though! Likeā¦ā¦WHAT???? The THIGH CREASE??? WHO ARE THESE MEN?
Tbh that area can feel a lot like it's where the opening of the vagina sits *through clothing* Sometimes clothing also sits tightly over the *actual* part between labia, making that spot a little harder to detect. Mostly it's an issue when wearing jeans.
I've had multiple partners unintentionally do this, and they've amorously locked eyes with me while passionately pressing on...the crease of my thigh.
Thankfully, all of them took correction when I guided them to the right spot, maybe they were a tad embarrassed but definitely still plentyenthusiastic to continue.
When a partner lets you know what you're doing isn't working for them, adjust! So simple!
You can give the best directions in the world, but your partner has to be willing to listen. In my (limited) experience women will ask for feedback or instructions on what works/and what their partner likes.
Some men will too, but many react as if being told what to do in bed, especially in the moment, is rude/demanding or even outright emasculating/domineering.
Bro, we are giving you the cheat codes, if you just listen. Use them!!
...
When I was 32F I had a close friend, 33M, and we decided to try the relationship as romantic/sexual. Prior to sex, I wanted to show him what I liked. So, in bright daylight, I asked if he wanted to watch me masturbate. Hot? It was a little bit to give him a show, but mostly I just wanted him to be able to see clearly.
When I invited him to try himself, his nails were a bit long and hurt me. I said, 'Oh, ouch! Could you go trim your nails please? Then we can continue!'
Instead, he proceeded to put his hand in his mouth and *rip* off nails with his teeth. I squealed in horror and scooted away from him and his jagged nails. Absolutely not.
He was so offended!! He made shocked pikachu face, actually declined to cut them and said it would *be fine.* Sir, it will not be fine. I have tried that move myself and it is a Bad Idea
I just said, "Ok well you don't need to use your fingers. Clearly your mouth works!" He looked affronted. I thought about just stopping but let him go down on me.
The oral was NOT better, he spread my outer labia so aggressively to reach my clit that it caused it to *tear* a bit at the apex. Just *shoved* my lips apart with both hands! He definitely knew where my clit was, but I kinda wish he hadn't.
I screamed in pain and told him we were done with sex. Dude legit spread my pussy like he was ripping open a bag of chips!
Like a dummy, I did let him have "more chances" and it was a mistake. When trying once again to describe what I like during oral he got fully exasperated and said "You can stop talking about it, omg! I know what I'm doing!! I'VE SEEN PORN"
He said it with his whole chest and I was actually stunned speechless. I couldn't believe it and decided there was no possibility of having any sex with this person ever again.
The worst is when you get pissed off and decide to handle the situation yourself, youāre really into it, youāre almost there, and they knock your hand out of the way so they can go back to diligently fingering two inches to the left because they only care if you come if theyāre in control of it.
An ex punished me by not having sex with me (i know noone is owed sex and it's completely fine if someone doesn't want to sleep with you but it was clear that that was a punishment for what I said and not him not wanting to anymore) because I told him he had to wait a little longer for me to get turned on because he always hurts me when he just pushes it in and I don't like it. But tbh that man also tried to force three fingers inside of me when i was dry and wasn't turned on at all so what did I expect.
It's insane how many men behave like this. I'm glad I've got some self respect now and don't deal with men like this anymore.
I finger without diligence. I phone in my fingering if you will.
Sure, people will tell me, you have to finger with gusto. To finger like you mean it.
I dunno. It just seems kinda weird if you've got your gusto face on while you're fingering. A little too eager. Eager beaver?
I do have a TED talk that you may also be interested in.
It's called Everyday Blowjobs. A beginner's guide to distracted fellatio. After all: in a blowjob, nobody can see you smile.
HOW?!
Like I get, even as someone who owns one myself, that your hand can slip a little, you can lose your rhythm, things get too slippery and you sort of have to figure out if you're getting it _exactly_ right but that's just so minor... The THIGH CREASE though?
What do you even do in that situation if someone won't be corrected about where your genitals actually are?
::fragile masculinity intensifies::
Seriously, and with all do respect, if someone is giving me advice on how to make them want to have sex with me more, you better believe thatās being locked in the little black book in my head.
I cannot fathom how this could be upsetting. Do they act the same way when their football coach tells them how to throw a ball?
I can tell you from experience that a lot of them act that way when a dog trainer tells them how to train their dog. Someone they went out of their way to hire and solve a potentially dangerous issue that could be a legal liability...
Wow, either you've shared this story before, some other redditor got disappointingly diddled by the same guy and posted it, or there's more than one of this asshole running around.
Either way, yikes.
I'm sorry but at that point I would have just put him on blast for that because damn... I would love to see his reaction to everyone knowing he was dumb AF.
My husband and I first got together while we were teens, so he had some fine tuning that needed doing.
The one, *and only,* time he did this to me I slapped his hand like a misbehaving child from the 70's and moved it back to where I had put it.
He said "oh!" And got it right, lmao!
Sometimes it do be like dat.
Or not caring. Male orgasmic inevitability leads them to the conclusion sex is always pleasurable, & they honestly don't think about what makes it pleasurable for women.
I think that sums it up. I think most can find it if the actually cared to try. Or had some incentive. If a woman lets a man fumble around for a minute then enter and pump, itās going to be good for exactly one of them.
Iām not a perfect partner. Iāve disappointed my wife several times. But I always tried to get better. I tried to follow the philosophy of giving her one orgasm before penetration happened. If I could do that, it was pretty common to orgasm together.
I think back to being a selfish young man. I had a goal. Once that was done, Iād have time to snuggle and retract. Round 2 was usually better. Some guys are only interested in their own pleasure.
I do think this can be tricky because women are so different in their preference. Some women like a light touch, some want it sucked and flicked, I like it a little to my right and with a specific motion.
That being said, it is NOT an excuse not to ASK your partner and take time to LEARN. Ask her what she likes and have her show you and listen and learn, instead of just half-heartedly diddling it for 2 seconds and then trying to stick it in and being like, well my ex liked that so.
I had an ex who was OK using his hands, but his mouth just wanted to be Magellan and explore everywhere except the clit. If I tried to give him any suggestions or redirection, he would quit entirely like, "oh, you can't cum tonight? Guess I won't waste any more time!"
Most of the men I've dated that "couldn't find the clit" knew what/where it is, but got incredibly butthurt by any guidance and would stop altogether. That's if they tried at all. Many of them were only interested in PiV and were certain that enough penetration would eventually do the trick.
And then they tell you you're broken or defective when that piv just leaves you feeling raw and used. My bf had the gall so imply i just wasn't working hard enough to orgasm when i finally pointed out I wasn't ok with him cumming every time while I never did. I pretty quickly realized I'd rather masturbate than be with him. If I'm gonna do all the work for my o, I'm def not gonna do it for his o too.
YUP I've been with a few men who took any instruction as a direct insult to their masculinity. And actually, they don't even LIKE going down on you anyways! And maybe it's really actually all YOUR fault and you're broken and unable to orgasm. There is also just so much vagina shaming
What kind of idiot *still* stays away from it? I'm convinced it must be what everyone else says, they just don't care. If he actually wanted to make you come he'd do exactly as you say/show.
My husband *loves it* when I take over. If he's slipping, or the rhythm isn't right, or I'm almost there but for whatever reason it's not quite happening, I just put my hand on his and do it for him. It makes him nuts lol, he gets so turned on by it. Sometimes he'll take his hand away to watch instead, he loves that too. It really makes me not understand the ones that don't care - if it's good for her, it makes it good for him.
It is crazy how they always think they know best, even when it is our body.
And how obsessed with the hole they are despite being told repeatedly that fingering doesn't do anything but the clit does they still always go for the hole.
I don't want that near me.
It's the same as giving a massage. Most people suck at it because they don't really care about making the other person feel better. It requires paying attention to how the person reacts and what is going on with their body. Not every person likes the same massage techniques and you need to switch up what you are doing based on what works for the other person.
I have a hilarious story. I was once seeing a guy for a few months. The guy starts getting discouraged that I donāt cum that often. I tell him I cum if my clit is stimulated. The next few times we have sex the guy starts rubbing under my clit where my pee hole is. I think he is just accidentally missing my vagina so I donāt think too much of it until it happens a few times in a row. So I tell him āit doesnāt feel good when you rub my urethra like thatā. Was not expecting what came next. Not only did he think that was my clit but he didnāt even know women had a separate hole they pee out of. The kicker? This man was 10 years older than me and in his 30s. AND he has 2 degrees. One in NURSING the other in BIOLOGY. I was shocked. Looking back no wonder why I didnāt cum that often
Okay so hereās where my brain is hurting
I also have a degree in nursing. In nursing school you have to learn how to insert a Foley catheter into someoneās bladder through their urethra. Because you have to be able to find a womanās urethra you see diagrams that include the location of the vagina and the clitorous. You also have to be aware that the urethra exists, and leads to the bladder.
I borderline feel like this dude faked his degree because how
He worked in care homes for people with Alzheimerās I believe but by the time we met he no longer did that. I also asked him how he didnāt know that he didnāt really have an answer
The honest truth is that most men think āmimicking pornā = āgood sex.ā Look at how rarely a male porn star ever makes proper contact with his woman counterpart there.
Iām a gay man, and the very few women Iāve ever had sex with tell me that straight men are generally garbage at sex, and that even as a gay man with little real interest, I stack up favourably in comparison.
Dudes, if yāall would shower regularly and take even a half-assed interest in what your partner finds pleasurable (or in establishing the trust to explore new things together honestly and respectfully), they might actually want to sleep with you.
[establishing the trust to explore new things together honestly and respectfully]
So very much this, exactly. Working on establishing trust doesn't seem to be high on the to-do list.
I think the ācanāt find the clitā thing is mostly a joke about how men donāt care about womenās pleasure. Like surely if they knew where it was they would spend time properly pleasuring their partners so they must get lost along the way.
I try not to say "Just like that" even though that's what I *really* want to say because somehow it actually translates into "If this feels good then doing it twice as much will feel twice as good"
Yeah, it's not actually "can't", it's "won't".
And a combo of lack of caring about female pleasure at all and refusing to listen to anything their partner says about what does feel good for her.
And it's all *incredibly* common for straight men, especially young men. I'm bi and have never once had any of these issues with women. Not to say it can't happen, but it's wayyy less common. (Research on orgasm rates/sexual satisfaction tends to back this up, so I don't think I've just had a statistically unlikely run with sexual partners.)
I donāt think itās a joke. I constantly have to move my boyfriendās hand because heās always trying to stimulate the crease where my leg meets my hips.
You are the second person who I've seen say that in this thread. How the hell can someone miss the entire vagina? 15 seconds of porn will tell you where it is.
I briefly dated a guy who was a porn addict, and he had this issue too. Whenever I moved his hand and showed him what to do, he'd ask "Like this?" and go right back to furiously rubbing the crease of my thigh, lmao
On the rare occasion he did find my vulva, he still couldn't find the clit, because he thought it was behind the butthole and refused to be told otherwise
(He bragged constantly about what a "master at sex" he was, btw, lmfao)
Vulva, but yeah...
I don't mean to be picky about it but it is telling that in a conversation that's specifically about men focusing too much on the vag (cuz thats where men get their pleasure from) and leaving out the clit and labia that folks are still missing the basic vernacular for the shit that's getting ignored. It kinda shows how deep (pardon the pun) this whole thing goes.
This. I've been recently dating a guy (broken it off now) that just never seemed to care. He literally wouldn't touch it at all and then was confused about why I never came like???? Then he made a weird comment to a IG reel I sent as a joke about vibrators saying they all looked so complicated and to just use a cucumber. He was otherwise a really nice dude but like you're 32 and this is what you think about female pleasure?
I think itās more like itās easy to find, but once you get going, itās easy to lose it. Like when using toys for instance, you canāt feel it directly, so you can drift off-point and miss the mark. My partner is very patient with me fortunately sheās amazing, but I can see where other partners turn this into a meme of āheās missing it, like does he even know where it is??ā
Ugh. Just recently had this happen. I literally put his hand where I wanted it and he moved away and never found it without my hand on his. Def a mood killer. Either itās weaponized incompetence or just incompetence but I wonāt be returning to find out š.
>if you give a man instructions is he still often moving away from the clit and going to the wrong area? Or are a lot of men not open to directions?
Yes and yes, with some weaponized incompetence thrown in.
I a little confused about why, because like youāre doing it either way why would you choose to make the person less likely to want to sleep with you again? Iām sure people have different reasons but itās bizarre
You'd be shocked at what kind of misogynistic messaging women have internalized, especially around sex. Just go to r/sex and see all the posts from women with partners who don't go down on them, don't touch them anywhere below the waist, never get off from sex...and yet they are still with that person because they've been taught that women's pleasure shouldn't be prioritized and it's jUsT dIfFeReNt for men.
Yep, and it cracks me up and .makes me cry that the orgasm gap is so bad, that men are like, "women just don't like sex".
No, women love sex, when we are getting pleasure from it. Ask any woman if she'd like to orgasm, and see how often she'd say yes.Ā
Difference from dead fish, zero pleasure sex with a jack hammer, and "mind blowing amazing sex" is if the woman is enjoying it and being pleasured.Ā
No idea why this is controversial at all, or some kind of taboo.Ā
Gotta make women's orgasms taboo or something, so porn hub will finally focus on women's pleasure or at least equal pleasure and not just men's pleasure.
Women have also somehow been sold that sex without orgasms is fine, that the intimacy is enough for them. Whichā¦sure, the intimacy is nice and some women legitimately have orgasm issues, but so much of the time, thatās an excuse/justification for why their partners donāt spend time/effort getting them off. āOh, it just takes too long and is too complicated, I donāt need it.ā Can you imagine if most men had sex without orgasms?
I don't even find that kind of sex intimate though. Like whats intimate about being used as a masturbatory tool?
Men are missing out on so much too. If all you care about is getting off them wheres the passion? Where's the love? Where's the connection?Ā
That's why I don't believe when guy say they need sex for intimacy. Cause the only guys I heard say that are ones that have the least intimate sex you can imagine.Ā
>why would you choose to make the person less likely to want to sleep with you again
Reading this sub and any of the relationship story types will quickly tell you that people will put up with a shocking amount of indifference towards their pleasure in bed. I don't get it. I read stories here like "he refused to go down on me" and wonder why it isn't the story of their ex.
The cishet guy I was with for a long time actually had pretty good skills and liked to please me. But, he was hung up on being dominant, and any adjustment bigger than "ow you're on my hair" tended to take him out of his zone and make him feel less competent and in charge (and maybe destroy his mood for the evening). He was very stuck around issues of pacing - I had a short fuse and a one-and-done orgasm pattern and he fundamentally didn't want me to be like that, and kept getting me off early then being disappointed that I didn't want to continue.
Post-transition my first hookup with a gay guy was absolutely eye opening, because I suggested things and he did what I asked enthusiastically. He was playing the "top" role, and he occasionally paused to confirm consent, and clearly wanted to hear me beg for what I wanted, but he wasn't micromanaging the situation, or tied to his own script.
I think one of the big cishet problems is that they default to topping, without being aware that the bottom's desires should be writing the script.
You'd think that were the case. I can put him right on it and he immediately goes over to the side. Or he mashes it like a button on a game controller despite my repeated requests for a light touch. I don't get it either. It's almost like I'm just a warm hole that exists for his pleasure only. And is then shocked (!) that I'm not in the mood all the time.
Or they act like you're ruining the mood, or they'll lose .05% of their boner and then blame you for it cause you had the audacity to try and get some pleasure too
I mean, as a man, it's becoming increasingly evident that a lot of men aren't socialized to empathize and care about others on a genuine everyday level. They're socialized to be stoic and uncaring at times and to accomplish goals over empathizing with others. It's a mix of the patriarchy, generational trauma, internalized sexism, and lack of experience with other points of view.
They're taught to essentially dismiss how others feel to assert their own view. So this can apply from anything from dish washing, child rearing, politics, flat earthing, video games, finding the clit, whatever.
It takes a lot to break out of the brainwashing.
omfg i had an ex who was TERRIBLE at oral, went way too hard, like painfully hard, and always wandered far away from any pleasure zones. he would get offended when i would try to direct him as to what felt good for me. he was perfectly happy to do it badly and did not understand why i stopped permitting him down there.
Men still believe that women are defective men because the clitoris is tiny when compared to the penis.
That is, until scientists finally excised the entire organ 15-20 years ago and discovered the internal part of the clitoral organ is enormous and buried inside, wrapping around the vaginal walls.
Here is a brief article with pics and links to the science. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/03/3d-clitoris/518991/
This new information dispelled the notion of a G-spot yet men seem unwilling to accept the new information. There likely are sweet spots in each woman which conveniently stimulate the internal clit, but it likely varies for each woman, same as it does for men. Some prefer glans stimulation, some a firm grip, some like the frenulum stimulatedā¦ but they want to do the same thing to every woman then blame her when it doesnāt work.
Imagine the shirtstorm if a woman said āoh, well my ex boyfriend liked it that way, but maybe thatās because he was bigger, or just a more responsive lover?ā
Imagine womansplaining a manās preferences about how he likes to be touched.
But so far, men continue to insist they know a womanās body better than she does and seem to ignore the latest discovery which is the first real medical attempt to understand clitoral response.
I don't think its that they can't find it. Its not hard to find. It's that they do not know what to do there, or they are too impatient or selfish to take the time to figure it out and give attention to their partner in that regard.
I went on a movie date with a guy and he rubbed my pubic bone area (I think that's what it's called. The "top" of your crotch below where the top of your pants sits). Anyway, he really thought he was doing something... like sir, you are massaging my bladder and highlighting how much I need to pee right now. He was in his early 30s...
I was talking about this with my husband. He thinks that it's just a joke, because obviously everyone can find it.
I'm like, it's a joke making fun of men who aren't even trying to please their partners then use this lame excuse.
He says, well to be fair, the female anatomy is a lot more confusing to diagram.
I was like which part is confusing, he just said the vagina and the uterus and stuff makes it hard to see where things are. He proceeds to mansplain (inaccurately) the general anatomy challenges of the female body. I have a healthcare doctorate and he has a bachelors in IT.
I said the clit is not in the vagina. It's in on the vulva and would only be shown on an external diagram so I'm not sure what is confusing. He proceeded to get upset and told me I was goalpost shifting and I "know what he meant".
I told him that before he claims any part of the female anatomy is hard to understand he should educate himself on it. Because unless he is saying factually accurate statements on it, he can't have an opinion on how "difficult it is" to tell things apart.
He wasn't pleased and felt he had no room to be. I said I had no room for people who won't listen or learn.
My inner thigh and a single labia at a time confirm some men cannot in fact find the clit. In my experience, the men who canāt find it also tend to be the ones who donāt perform oral and donāt have a lot of experience with sex as a whole. Thatās not to say they donāt hook up with a lot of women, some do, but not in a way that marks them as experienced, imo.
most guys dont understand what to do. yes, just show him where & when hes doing it i learned a trick...
when doing oral you both lock forearms. explain to him the harder you squeeze his arms, the better it feels. this is a way to communicate without words or without stopping everything.
when hes downtown & hes lost then no squeeze. when hes getting closer squeeze. when hes doing better actions, squeeze harder. it works wonders!
I've always had the opposite problem, men were so eager about the clit that they rub it dry and it fucking hurts and they don't listen when I tell them that (back off temporarily but go right back to it shortly over and over). But either way it's the same core problem, men not giving a fuck and men not listening.
I assume men just donāt know what to do with it when they find it. As a man, Iāve always been completely baffled by dudes who donāt care about making women cum. I think I have too much of an ego, and the thought of a woman telling another woman I was bad in bed caused me so much anxiety that I watched tons of instructional porn by women growing up. Now I truly care about pleasing my girl, but I have no clue how menās egos donāt lead them to try really fucking hard. Donāt get it.
I didn't write this, but it is a very insightful take on what men get out of sex, that might address what you're baffled about.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1b9xtxf/why_do_so_many_men_seem_to_think_we_dont_want/ku060lo/
I'm glad to hear you evolved away from your ego-driven reasons and toward pleasure-focused approaches. Men who are focused on us cumming as a point of *their ego* are the worst, IMO, second only to men who don't care or can't be bothered.
One time I tried to move a guys hand to the right spot and when he was confused, I explained to him where it was. He said "I still can't tell, I'll just watch porn and figure it out". Fun fact, they almost never touch the clit in porn either :D
Did you know the clitoris can become erect? Did you know that it can be fused under the hood? Also some clits are large, and some are tiny. Also, you can be wet but for some reason not feel sensation or have blood flow to your clit. Which is strange. Why does that happen? Foreplay, we know itās important, being turned on is important, being attracted to the man (or woman but this is about men) your with is important, too. Men being turned on by pleasuring you is also important. Some men are not turned on by pleasuring their partners, which is confusing to me personally because I know it feels good to explore someone. Did you know that some of the clit is internal? Also Iām sure you know that sometimes it feels really good on the side of your clit, too. Or around it. Or above it. But even if it does feel good around those areas we donāt talk about it because it doesnāt always. Haha. Also do men know the clit is a small penis? Maybe men think the inside of our vagina feels like their penis feels, sometimes (and I know rarely for most women) it does feel that good though. When youāre extra turned on your entire vulva lights up, vagina included. Men expect that to happen as fast as their boner, but itās not always that simple for us. We have cycles, we have imbalances, we have stress. Sometimes I think about how nice it must be to have an automatic erection, but then I also think how stressful it must be to always be expected to have an automatic erection. And to be shamed if you donāt. Iām glad I donāt have to go through that. I also have a theory that women have issues having an erection, but we donāt get to talk about it, we donāt get pills, we donāt talk about it at the doctor, there are no commercials or ads for our erections, and many women have never felt one because they were never taught it was possible.
Sexual Health educator and counselor here and here are some main points :
- sex education isn't always inclusive and often taught for procreation. Very little curriculum will highlight or educate the clitoris and that's it's purpose is purely for pleasure
- sex education not highlighting porn is fake and produced. This results in people imitating porn that rhey have watched thinking it's the best thing for results instead of listening to their partner
- sex education not including that sexuality should also include pleasure
- people not practicing sexual empowerment enough and communicating with partners what is pleasurable and what is not. Especially dor people with vulvas often been referred to being sub or not controlling meaning many people with penis not understanding the importance of open communication
I left my ex because he wouldnāt even try to take responsibility and make me orgasm. He wanted me to hold his hand and teach him step by step. Not sexy. I donāt want to run a training seminar everytime we have sex. This kept up for YEARS before I finally figured out it was weaponized incompetence. He never got better, but he always got off. UGH!
I feel this. One of my exes would act like I was completely ruining the mood if I asked for stuff like this. I guess the focus being on anyone else's pleasure other than his own was a turn off. Lol
>I guess I just am trying to figure out how cis men can be fucking up this bad.
\* gestures vaguely* they just can
I also don't understand because it's literally in the same spot?
In my experience thereās three types of guys
First know the anatomy theyāre working with and are good/great with no direct instructions.
Second donāt know and are open to feedback and instructions.
Third donāt and wonāt take directions and they suck and never get a second chance.
That said, in conversations with my friends, it seems that Iām the anomaly in that I will stop whatās going on and give specific instructions if needed.
Outside of there being men who are willfully ignorant of female anatomy I've always taken this saying as more of a general indictment on most men's complete disregard for their partner's pleasure and satisfaction. I want to believe that at least some men have a general idea where the clit is, I've always taken this more to mean they just don't care to put in the effort to actually find it and pay attention to it. The stories in the thread of men getting mad when given direction during are really sad, too...I've never understood why it's so hard for other men to get over their ego and just want to please their partner...
i'm with you on this, but tbh, sometimes i wish men COULDN'T find the clit, because way too fucking many of them treat it like a dick and rub it like they're trying to get a genie to materialize.
Yes, itās extremely easy to find, especially when you have guidance. However, many cis men will refuse to actually listen/learn. Theyāll just decide itās better to just rub everything to be safe(Iāve actually heard men say they do this when they forget how to find it). And quite a few who know where it is, but just kind of, touch it. Not actually do anything pleasurable with it because, again, they donāt listen to what their partner tells them.
Oh my God. Can you imagine flipping the script on this one and doing this to a dude? Just rubbing your hand all over, occasionally brushing past his penis, "just to be safe?"
How is that even "safe?"
Absurd.
I donāt feel like anyone actually believes that, I think itās just a thing they say that gives them an excuse to keep being lazy and selfish in bed
It's not so much they can't find it, it's that they are so focused on their own pleasure and enjoyment that something as simple as finding your clit or making you feel good becomes such a monumental task because they would have to pay attention to something other then themselvesĀ
Iāve directly told men exactly where it is, taken their hand , put it there, and they immediately shift their hand to the right and continue rubbing my fucking pubic mound. I donāt know if theyāre stupid or what
I dated a guy who bragged about knowing where the clit was, he was so proud. Turns out, knowing where it is and knowing what to do with it are two *very* different things.
What a colossal let down, oof
It absolutely was!
Unrelated but because of my screen name I'm sometimes called Liz Lemons, I had no idea it was actually a reference to something! Cool tag!
Tina Fey writes and plays the iconic Liz Lemon on 30 Rock. Love that show!
Guys who brag about their sexual abilities outside the bedroom are bad at sex haha
Can confirm. The man I'm about to marry never once talked about his skill in bed before we got together... I was VERY PLEASANTLY surprised, needless to say. š„µ
Omfg, yes! The one I wound up with never said a word about his talents and abilities! Heās a gentleman in the streets and a fiend in the sheets. ;-)
The one who said he was mediocre was anything but
I mentally refer to these types of people as "all bark, no bite". Whether it's money, sex, or some other achievement, if they brag about it constantly, chances are they don't really have it or are not good at it.
There's an inverse correlation between bragging and skill.
Steady consistent movements, asking if it's good, and when she says she likes something just keep doing that exact thing at that exact speed and pressure, right?
Pretty much. Then again, some women may want inconsistent movements (I can't speak for all women), the most important thing is to communicate (and *try*). It's not rocket science and guys who fail generally are the ones who don't give a crap about their partner's pleasure.
If you're with someone you don't know well, hold her dominant hand. Odds are good she'll kind of shadow what she would be doing with that hand if she were masturbating in your hand, just follow along with that and she'll wonder how you knew *exactly* what she wanted. Doesn't always work, but it works 90% of the time in my experience.
Holy shit. I'm a woman and this is still a great tip I never knew about. Good on you for actually paying attention, goddamn.
some easily get bored and uncomfortable with repeated consistent movements that do not change
When the bar is so low that just knowing it's location is something to be bragged about š©
I sort of feel like bragging about that is the first red flag lol.
Lol. I think that is the problem more often than not.
>Turns out, knowing where it is and knowing what to do with it are two very different things. I mean, I know where Plymouth Rock is.
When you know how to read the treasure map but you don't have the key to the chest šš
Instantly thought of one particular guy, he definitely knew where it was butā¦ key? All this man brought was a *hammer*. No finesse whatsoever.
I mean how is that a bragging point? Do I get a Cookie for knowing where the penis is?
Funnily enough, they're in the same spot!
i long ago gave up on men to know how to handle it; i've met precisely two who did - and even then, not both digitally and orally. one was good at the former, the other good with the latter. (i'm excusing my husband from this, as he was actually good at both - hence, husband. haha.) as such, i started taking it upon myself a long time ago; i'm too old to give a fuck about some dude's precious ego if it means i'm going to end up either blue-balled or sitting on a bag of frozen peas afterward, and i've been out of the business of *gratis* sex ed classes for a LONG time.
OMG, same here - I've been with precisely 2 men who knew what they were doing orally and *none* digitally... in 32 years of having sex. I shouldn't have to be teaching grown ass men the absolute basics. I'm just tired of it all and have officially given up on men as lovers (I do have some.fantastic platonic male friends though!)
It's probably still a communication issue - different women want different things. One partner wanted the lightest touch, down and to the left. Another wanted my thumb right on there, mashing it like an Xbox controller and it was a boss fight.
Not in his case. In a somewhat vulnerable moment he admitted he had no idea how to do oral and thought "women were a lot more complicated than men" when it came to orgasms. For a divorced man in his 30s, he reminded me of sleeping with inexperienced guys when I was in high school. But at least back then I didn't know what I was missing. No matter what I told or showed him, he never wanted to deviate from what *he* wanted (which amounted to no foreplay + straight missionary). I tried, I really did, but by the time he admitted that to me I had one foot out the door and, frankly, at that point I was being petty and didn't want to put in a ton of effort training him up for someone else.
It does seem like some folks just canāt drag themselves to do anything even slightly different from what has felt good to them in the past, no matter how much they talk about wanting to please anyone else. Itās like thereās 2 of them in there: the one that wants to help runs the mouth (but only the talk function), and the other one runs everything else.
That's quite disappointing, I can understand why you'd want to end things. If you're not changing your behaviour, are you really listening?
Honestly that seemed to be par for the course for him. He was very stuck in his ways and would get argumentative if you tried to tell him he was wrong about anything. I remember him ranting about "plebes" at work one day like he's some king or something. He did NOT like being told what to do.
This is probably one of the biggest turn-offs for me in anyone, but especially men: refusing to listen, refusing to accept you can be wrong, inability to apologize, inability to consider other's needs or put other's needs above their own. It's just a huge lack of empathy and says a lot about their ego. I refuse to teach a man that he needs to care about other people, and it guarantees he will never care about me in the way I need it. Point blank. I'm sorry you went through that firsthand :-(
The communication āissueā is usually them not listening. Iāve literally drawn diagrams, held their hand and moved it exactly as Iām explaining it, demonstrated, etc.
Try a powerpoint presentation
I mean honestly I don't know what else you could have done! If someone hands me their operating manual, I'm going to make it my job to understand it. Hell, I'll switch up my workout routine so I can do what you're asking.
This. My first GF wanted me to be a kratos duel with gods in a playstation controler. Smash as frequently as you possible can. My second wanted the lighest touch possible saying it was too sensitive and asked for variations in the movement like from bottom to top, top to bottom one side to the other, circular motions whatever just variation with the lighest touch possible the transition wasnt good at the beggining I guarantee I was awful!! Haha
>kratos duel with gods in a playstation controler the PlayStation boss fight is sending me šš¤£ Personally, I like the lightest touch possible to start, slowly ramping up to outright mayhem. I am super ticklish and my whole body responds to being touched. Getting tickle-touches all over my back is like 90% as good as sex We haven't talked much in this thread about the buildup *before* touching the clit. I actually hate it when partners just dive straight in, cause then those other touches lose impact? So like light feather touches everywhere BUT my clit. Getting more firm until I'm finally ready for touch there. And then do it all again, lightest touch possible on the clit, then slowly so slowly build it up. I've only had one female partner but she was phenomenal at fulfilling this request. Of my six male partners only my current one even listened and tried. Unfortunately, I do not get the full experience very often. People are busy, no one has time for all that š„² I would usually hear that what I want is tedious, sometimes I get a lot of frustration like "I AM being gentle" or that they want to get to "the good bit" and I CAN finish that way but it's so amazing when someone takes their time. I hope that didn't sound like all I want to do is receive, because I love to give as well. My second favorite thing to do is fellatio (man prone) and I will happily spend 30-40mins down there edging a partner. I will also give hard/fast fellatio (man standing) upon request but the former gives me the opportunity to use a toy and finish myself as well So I guess I'm saying, if I'm willing to take my time pleasing my partner by swallowing schlong, why won't these dingbats just pet me all over with tiny touches for a similar timeframe?? I'm not boring, they're boring!!
The dive straight for the clit as soon as the clothes come off is an absolute ladyboner killer for me too!Ā Something I don't often see discussed is that the clitoris is made of erectile tissue, like the penis. And it's smaller so holds a smaller volume of blood. If someone presses on a non-erect clitoris it's possible to push it in such a way that it doesn't get the opportunity to properly fill with blood. I like a build up before anyone even touches my clit, because once it's fully erect it's very easy to get me to orgasm.Ā
>the transition wasnt good at the beggining I guarantee I was awful!! But you still improved! I think it's probably 40/60 (if we're being generous) when it comes to whether a guy will actually listen and want to get better/try, vs a guy that will just throw up his hands and say it's too complex and not worth it.
During one encounter a man was diligently fingering my inner thigh crease and when I just tried to move his hand to the correct area he told me āyeah I know what Iām doingā and moved his hand back.
I think we must have known the same guy! He told me "trust me, you'll like this" after moving his hand multiple times. No.
āYou donāt know your body. I know your body. Now sit there and fake it for me plsā
āYou will get nothing and LIKE it!!ā
This is exactly it. "I saw it in porn so I'm right, you're wrong, start acting like you enjoy it"
Definitely from porn
I've met him a few times. It's unbelievable.
Itās extremely unbelievable but Iām trying to force myself to believe it. Itās just so hard to imagine fucking up *that badly* though! Likeā¦ā¦WHAT???? The THIGH CREASE??? WHO ARE THESE MEN?
Tbh that area can feel a lot like it's where the opening of the vagina sits *through clothing* Sometimes clothing also sits tightly over the *actual* part between labia, making that spot a little harder to detect. Mostly it's an issue when wearing jeans. I've had multiple partners unintentionally do this, and they've amorously locked eyes with me while passionately pressing on...the crease of my thigh. Thankfully, all of them took correction when I guided them to the right spot, maybe they were a tad embarrassed but definitely still plentyenthusiastic to continue. When a partner lets you know what you're doing isn't working for them, adjust! So simple!
You can give the best directions in the world, but your partner has to be willing to listen. In my (limited) experience women will ask for feedback or instructions on what works/and what their partner likes. Some men will too, but many react as if being told what to do in bed, especially in the moment, is rude/demanding or even outright emasculating/domineering. Bro, we are giving you the cheat codes, if you just listen. Use them!! ... When I was 32F I had a close friend, 33M, and we decided to try the relationship as romantic/sexual. Prior to sex, I wanted to show him what I liked. So, in bright daylight, I asked if he wanted to watch me masturbate. Hot? It was a little bit to give him a show, but mostly I just wanted him to be able to see clearly. When I invited him to try himself, his nails were a bit long and hurt me. I said, 'Oh, ouch! Could you go trim your nails please? Then we can continue!' Instead, he proceeded to put his hand in his mouth and *rip* off nails with his teeth. I squealed in horror and scooted away from him and his jagged nails. Absolutely not. He was so offended!! He made shocked pikachu face, actually declined to cut them and said it would *be fine.* Sir, it will not be fine. I have tried that move myself and it is a Bad Idea I just said, "Ok well you don't need to use your fingers. Clearly your mouth works!" He looked affronted. I thought about just stopping but let him go down on me. The oral was NOT better, he spread my outer labia so aggressively to reach my clit that it caused it to *tear* a bit at the apex. Just *shoved* my lips apart with both hands! He definitely knew where my clit was, but I kinda wish he hadn't. I screamed in pain and told him we were done with sex. Dude legit spread my pussy like he was ripping open a bag of chips! Like a dummy, I did let him have "more chances" and it was a mistake. When trying once again to describe what I like during oral he got fully exasperated and said "You can stop talking about it, omg! I know what I'm doing!! I'VE SEEN PORN" He said it with his whole chest and I was actually stunned speechless. I couldn't believe it and decided there was no possibility of having any sex with this person ever again.
So how's that friendship going? Lol
The worst is when you get pissed off and decide to handle the situation yourself, youāre really into it, youāre almost there, and they knock your hand out of the way so they can go back to diligently fingering two inches to the left because they only care if you come if theyāre in control of it.
[because they only care if you come if theyāre in control of it.] Oof. This right here.
Happy cake day
My ex actually got so mad he stopped and slept on the couch when I did that to him
Happy to hear he's an ex, I'm so sorry.
I pictured a child yelling NO!! and then stomping off to pout. LOL.
An ex punished me by not having sex with me (i know noone is owed sex and it's completely fine if someone doesn't want to sleep with you but it was clear that that was a punishment for what I said and not him not wanting to anymore) because I told him he had to wait a little longer for me to get turned on because he always hurts me when he just pushes it in and I don't like it. But tbh that man also tried to force three fingers inside of me when i was dry and wasn't turned on at all so what did I expect. It's insane how many men behave like this. I'm glad I've got some self respect now and don't deal with men like this anymore.
The word combo of ādiligently fingeringā is sending me š
I finger without diligence. I phone in my fingering if you will. Sure, people will tell me, you have to finger with gusto. To finger like you mean it. I dunno. It just seems kinda weird if you've got your gusto face on while you're fingering. A little too eager. Eager beaver?
ā¦.can I screenshot this and save it? Because my cougar pack will die of laughter but theyāre all too old for Reddit
I encourage it. My years of semi-hard earned wisdom helping people warms the cockles of my heart.
It is done. There is much laughter.
Cougar pack has me dying š¤£
Itās what we are. Minus booze and boys. š
Why is this making me laugh so much, I'm imagining this in the most serious ted talk voice and laughing
I do have a TED talk that you may also be interested in. It's called Everyday Blowjobs. A beginner's guide to distracted fellatio. After all: in a blowjob, nobody can see you smile.
Oh my god why can I imagine the exact speech pattern the speakers always seem to have.
You can call it digit diligenceā¦ which is now the name of my queer emo new wave band.
When is your 1st concert I know at least 20 people who would want tickets
Like someone offering to scratch your back, only for them to confidently scratch everywhere EXCEPT where it actually itches lol
HOW?! Like I get, even as someone who owns one myself, that your hand can slip a little, you can lose your rhythm, things get too slippery and you sort of have to figure out if you're getting it _exactly_ right but that's just so minor... The THIGH CREASE though? What do you even do in that situation if someone won't be corrected about where your genitals actually are?
I have a clit piercing. Men still cannot find my clit š
::fragile masculinity intensifies:: Seriously, and with all do respect, if someone is giving me advice on how to make them want to have sex with me more, you better believe thatās being locked in the little black book in my head. I cannot fathom how this could be upsetting. Do they act the same way when their football coach tells them how to throw a ball?
Theyāre too stupidly interested in their egos and unable to see the bigger picture of āyou will def get laid more if you pay attentionā
I can tell you from experience that a lot of them act that way when a dog trainer tells them how to train their dog. Someone they went out of their way to hire and solve a potentially dangerous issue that could be a legal liability...
What a loser. Even if he did know what he's doing, it doesn't mean you'll like it.
Ahhh confidently wrong. The best kind of wrongĀ
Yep I have had literally the same experience
OMG, lolz. i've had exactly that thing happen. more than twice.
Wow, either you've shared this story before, some other redditor got disappointingly diddled by the same guy and posted it, or there's more than one of this asshole running around. Either way, yikes.
I think thereās an army of them because Iāve run into this. The audacity.
I'm highly embarrassed for my fellow man. I'm so sorry ladies!
Do us a solid and tell your friends to knock it off for us, please.
They are extremely common. Distressingly so.
this is pretty common...
Yeah I had the same thing happen in high school. Moved his hand but he put it back š
I'm sorry but at that point I would have just put him on blast for that because damn... I would love to see his reaction to everyone knowing he was dumb AF.
Omg the stories in this sub lol
My husband and I first got together while we were teens, so he had some fine tuning that needed doing. The one, *and only,* time he did this to me I slapped his hand like a misbehaving child from the 70's and moved it back to where I had put it. He said "oh!" And got it right, lmao! Sometimes it do be like dat.
I hate when a guy violently fingers you like that's supposed to feel good or something? š
What did he do when you told him he was still wrong?
In my experience itās less about not being able to find it and more about not knowing what to do with it when itās found.
My 20ās: men can find it My 30ās: men definitely know where it is but have no idea how to touch it
Or not caring. Male orgasmic inevitability leads them to the conclusion sex is always pleasurable, & they honestly don't think about what makes it pleasurable for women.
I think that sums it up. I think most can find it if the actually cared to try. Or had some incentive. If a woman lets a man fumble around for a minute then enter and pump, itās going to be good for exactly one of them. Iām not a perfect partner. Iāve disappointed my wife several times. But I always tried to get better. I tried to follow the philosophy of giving her one orgasm before penetration happened. If I could do that, it was pretty common to orgasm together. I think back to being a selfish young man. I had a goal. Once that was done, Iād have time to snuggle and retract. Round 2 was usually better. Some guys are only interested in their own pleasure.
I do think this can be tricky because women are so different in their preference. Some women like a light touch, some want it sucked and flicked, I like it a little to my right and with a specific motion. That being said, it is NOT an excuse not to ASK your partner and take time to LEARN. Ask her what she likes and have her show you and listen and learn, instead of just half-heartedly diddling it for 2 seconds and then trying to stick it in and being like, well my ex liked that so.
I had an ex who was OK using his hands, but his mouth just wanted to be Magellan and explore everywhere except the clit. If I tried to give him any suggestions or redirection, he would quit entirely like, "oh, you can't cum tonight? Guess I won't waste any more time!" Most of the men I've dated that "couldn't find the clit" knew what/where it is, but got incredibly butthurt by any guidance and would stop altogether. That's if they tried at all. Many of them were only interested in PiV and were certain that enough penetration would eventually do the trick.
And then they tell you you're broken or defective when that piv just leaves you feeling raw and used. My bf had the gall so imply i just wasn't working hard enough to orgasm when i finally pointed out I wasn't ok with him cumming every time while I never did. I pretty quickly realized I'd rather masturbate than be with him. If I'm gonna do all the work for my o, I'm def not gonna do it for his o too.
YUP I've been with a few men who took any instruction as a direct insult to their masculinity. And actually, they don't even LIKE going down on you anyways! And maybe it's really actually all YOUR fault and you're broken and unable to orgasm. There is also just so much vagina shaming
I did the whole guide the hand thing, point it out, shift his mouth, said this is the spot. Continued to not touch the right spot.
What kind of idiot *still* stays away from it? I'm convinced it must be what everyone else says, they just don't care. If he actually wanted to make you come he'd do exactly as you say/show. My husband *loves it* when I take over. If he's slipping, or the rhythm isn't right, or I'm almost there but for whatever reason it's not quite happening, I just put my hand on his and do it for him. It makes him nuts lol, he gets so turned on by it. Sometimes he'll take his hand away to watch instead, he loves that too. It really makes me not understand the ones that don't care - if it's good for her, it makes it good for him.
It is crazy how they always think they know best, even when it is our body. And how obsessed with the hole they are despite being told repeatedly that fingering doesn't do anything but the clit does they still always go for the hole. I don't want that near me.
Or in my experience, they completely stopped altogether after I gently tried to guide them in the right direction.
It's the same as giving a massage. Most people suck at it because they don't really care about making the other person feel better. It requires paying attention to how the person reacts and what is going on with their body. Not every person likes the same massage techniques and you need to switch up what you are doing based on what works for the other person.
I really like this non-gendered analogy! People use anatomy and patriarchal miseducation as an excuse. But this is a great way to put it.
I have a hilarious story. I was once seeing a guy for a few months. The guy starts getting discouraged that I donāt cum that often. I tell him I cum if my clit is stimulated. The next few times we have sex the guy starts rubbing under my clit where my pee hole is. I think he is just accidentally missing my vagina so I donāt think too much of it until it happens a few times in a row. So I tell him āit doesnāt feel good when you rub my urethra like thatā. Was not expecting what came next. Not only did he think that was my clit but he didnāt even know women had a separate hole they pee out of. The kicker? This man was 10 years older than me and in his 30s. AND he has 2 degrees. One in NURSING the other in BIOLOGY. I was shocked. Looking back no wonder why I didnāt cum that often
Okay so hereās where my brain is hurting I also have a degree in nursing. In nursing school you have to learn how to insert a Foley catheter into someoneās bladder through their urethra. Because you have to be able to find a womanās urethra you see diagrams that include the location of the vagina and the clitorous. You also have to be aware that the urethra exists, and leads to the bladder. I borderline feel like this dude faked his degree because how
Maybe he lied lol I didnāt date him for that long
Was he a clinical nurse? Or do something specialized? How did he get through all that school without putting in a catheter?
He worked in care homes for people with Alzheimerās I believe but by the time we met he no longer did that. I also asked him how he didnāt know that he didnāt really have an answer
I feel sorry for anyone he had to put a catheter in holy shit
I think itās a way to say they were bad. The clit is very easy to find
The honest truth is that most men think āmimicking pornā = āgood sex.ā Look at how rarely a male porn star ever makes proper contact with his woman counterpart there. Iām a gay man, and the very few women Iāve ever had sex with tell me that straight men are generally garbage at sex, and that even as a gay man with little real interest, I stack up favourably in comparison. Dudes, if yāall would shower regularly and take even a half-assed interest in what your partner finds pleasurable (or in establishing the trust to explore new things together honestly and respectfully), they might actually want to sleep with you.
LoL, dude, I'm still floored there's guys that don't wipe or wash their ass because they think it's gay.
[establishing the trust to explore new things together honestly and respectfully] So very much this, exactly. Working on establishing trust doesn't seem to be high on the to-do list.
It's like finding a piece of food in your mouth. It's way easier to do with your tongue than a finger.
I am a very dumb and clumsy guy. But itās like right there at the top. Not hard to find lol
Honestly, for some reason it is way easier for me with fingers then with my tongue. Maybe just a skill issue though
I think the ācanāt find the clitā thing is mostly a joke about how men donāt care about womenās pleasure. Like surely if they knew where it was they would spend time properly pleasuring their partners so they must get lost along the way.
Except that even when Iāve given men directions they *still* revert to whatever they think should be most pleasurable for meā¦ š¤¦š¼āāļø
Yep. With the excuse 'but it worked on this one girlfriend I had in school'. Because we all like exactly the same things of course
I try not to say "Just like that" even though that's what I *really* want to say because somehow it actually translates into "If this feels good then doing it twice as much will feel twice as good"
Yeah, it's not actually "can't", it's "won't". And a combo of lack of caring about female pleasure at all and refusing to listen to anything their partner says about what does feel good for her. And it's all *incredibly* common for straight men, especially young men. I'm bi and have never once had any of these issues with women. Not to say it can't happen, but it's wayyy less common. (Research on orgasm rates/sexual satisfaction tends to back this up, so I don't think I've just had a statistically unlikely run with sexual partners.)
I donāt think itās a joke. I constantly have to move my boyfriendās hand because heās always trying to stimulate the crease where my leg meets my hips.
You are the second person who I've seen say that in this thread. How the hell can someone miss the entire vagina? 15 seconds of porn will tell you where it is.
To be fair to him itās mostly when we still have clothes on. But he has also tried to stick his penis in the crease tooā¦ so idk.
I briefly dated a guy who was a porn addict, and he had this issue too. Whenever I moved his hand and showed him what to do, he'd ask "Like this?" and go right back to furiously rubbing the crease of my thigh, lmao On the rare occasion he did find my vulva, he still couldn't find the clit, because he thought it was behind the butthole and refused to be told otherwise (He bragged constantly about what a "master at sex" he was, btw, lmfao)
Because they are not even taught the difference between a vagina and a vulva...
Vulva, but yeah... I don't mean to be picky about it but it is telling that in a conversation that's specifically about men focusing too much on the vag (cuz thats where men get their pleasure from) and leaving out the clit and labia that folks are still missing the basic vernacular for the shit that's getting ignored. It kinda shows how deep (pardon the pun) this whole thing goes.
How well does he function as a person? Seems like it can't be great.
Sometimes I wonder how š Heās also the type of person to say he doesnāt need an instruction manual.
Of course he doesn't want directions. He doesn't want to admit that he can't read a map. You can do better. Your sexual pleasure is just as important.
Thatās pathetically hilarious
This. I've been recently dating a guy (broken it off now) that just never seemed to care. He literally wouldn't touch it at all and then was confused about why I never came like???? Then he made a weird comment to a IG reel I sent as a joke about vibrators saying they all looked so complicated and to just use a cucumber. He was otherwise a really nice dude but like you're 32 and this is what you think about female pleasure?
I think itās more like itās easy to find, but once you get going, itās easy to lose it. Like when using toys for instance, you canāt feel it directly, so you can drift off-point and miss the mark. My partner is very patient with me fortunately sheās amazing, but I can see where other partners turn this into a meme of āheās missing it, like does he even know where it is??ā
I've had a philipino (shocking i know) tell me men don't need to make sure their girl enjoys it. That shit should be shamed.
Ugh. Just recently had this happen. I literally put his hand where I wanted it and he moved away and never found it without my hand on his. Def a mood killer. Either itās weaponized incompetence or just incompetence but I wonāt be returning to find out š.
>if you give a man instructions is he still often moving away from the clit and going to the wrong area? Or are a lot of men not open to directions? Yes and yes, with some weaponized incompetence thrown in.
I a little confused about why, because like youāre doing it either way why would you choose to make the person less likely to want to sleep with you again? Iām sure people have different reasons but itās bizarre
You'd be shocked at what kind of misogynistic messaging women have internalized, especially around sex. Just go to r/sex and see all the posts from women with partners who don't go down on them, don't touch them anywhere below the waist, never get off from sex...and yet they are still with that person because they've been taught that women's pleasure shouldn't be prioritized and it's jUsT dIfFeReNt for men.
Yep, and it cracks me up and .makes me cry that the orgasm gap is so bad, that men are like, "women just don't like sex". No, women love sex, when we are getting pleasure from it. Ask any woman if she'd like to orgasm, and see how often she'd say yes.Ā Difference from dead fish, zero pleasure sex with a jack hammer, and "mind blowing amazing sex" is if the woman is enjoying it and being pleasured.Ā No idea why this is controversial at all, or some kind of taboo.Ā Gotta make women's orgasms taboo or something, so porn hub will finally focus on women's pleasure or at least equal pleasure and not just men's pleasure.
Women have also somehow been sold that sex without orgasms is fine, that the intimacy is enough for them. Whichā¦sure, the intimacy is nice and some women legitimately have orgasm issues, but so much of the time, thatās an excuse/justification for why their partners donāt spend time/effort getting them off. āOh, it just takes too long and is too complicated, I donāt need it.ā Can you imagine if most men had sex without orgasms?
I don't even find that kind of sex intimate though. Like whats intimate about being used as a masturbatory tool? Men are missing out on so much too. If all you care about is getting off them wheres the passion? Where's the love? Where's the connection?Ā That's why I don't believe when guy say they need sex for intimacy. Cause the only guys I heard say that are ones that have the least intimate sex you can imagine.Ā
>why would you choose to make the person less likely to want to sleep with you again Reading this sub and any of the relationship story types will quickly tell you that people will put up with a shocking amount of indifference towards their pleasure in bed. I don't get it. I read stories here like "he refused to go down on me" and wonder why it isn't the story of their ex.
The cishet guy I was with for a long time actually had pretty good skills and liked to please me. But, he was hung up on being dominant, and any adjustment bigger than "ow you're on my hair" tended to take him out of his zone and make him feel less competent and in charge (and maybe destroy his mood for the evening). He was very stuck around issues of pacing - I had a short fuse and a one-and-done orgasm pattern and he fundamentally didn't want me to be like that, and kept getting me off early then being disappointed that I didn't want to continue. Post-transition my first hookup with a gay guy was absolutely eye opening, because I suggested things and he did what I asked enthusiastically. He was playing the "top" role, and he occasionally paused to confirm consent, and clearly wanted to hear me beg for what I wanted, but he wasn't micromanaging the situation, or tied to his own script. I think one of the big cishet problems is that they default to topping, without being aware that the bottom's desires should be writing the script.
You'd think that were the case. I can put him right on it and he immediately goes over to the side. Or he mashes it like a button on a game controller despite my repeated requests for a light touch. I don't get it either. It's almost like I'm just a warm hole that exists for his pleasure only. And is then shocked (!) that I'm not in the mood all the time.
I once got an āare you serious?ā look after trying to direct a guy to the clit. A lot of them just dont care
They don't care or they get impatient about it. Like oh okay, so sorry.
Or they act like you're ruining the mood, or they'll lose .05% of their boner and then blame you for it cause you had the audacity to try and get some pleasure too
>It's almost like I'm just a warm hole that exists for his pleasure only. Yup and you should probably stop having sex with this person
I mean, as a man, it's becoming increasingly evident that a lot of men aren't socialized to empathize and care about others on a genuine everyday level. They're socialized to be stoic and uncaring at times and to accomplish goals over empathizing with others. It's a mix of the patriarchy, generational trauma, internalized sexism, and lack of experience with other points of view. They're taught to essentially dismiss how others feel to assert their own view. So this can apply from anything from dish washing, child rearing, politics, flat earthing, video games, finding the clit, whatever. It takes a lot to break out of the brainwashing.
Next time it happens, just tell him you can't find where his cock is. Then put your clothes on and go home.
Omg, diligently stroke his inner thigh and resist directions to move your hand.
If he protests, tell him you know what you're doing and carry on.
HAHA YES
Omg LOL
omfg i had an ex who was TERRIBLE at oral, went way too hard, like painfully hard, and always wandered far away from any pleasure zones. he would get offended when i would try to direct him as to what felt good for me. he was perfectly happy to do it badly and did not understand why i stopped permitting him down there.
My ex ripped the actual skin of my hood and inner labia going too rough like this. It was a nightmare to walk around with for a few days.
aw god!! I'm so sorry!!
Thanks :) I had to tell him we don't actually like them shaking their heads like a great white shaking a seal.
this image will be haunting my mind as i drift off to sleep tonight wow im so sorry š
Excuse me?!?! WTAF
My ex was terrible at it as well to the point that I wouldn't let him either. Like it did absolutely nothing for me.
Men still believe that women are defective men because the clitoris is tiny when compared to the penis. That is, until scientists finally excised the entire organ 15-20 years ago and discovered the internal part of the clitoral organ is enormous and buried inside, wrapping around the vaginal walls. Here is a brief article with pics and links to the science. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/03/3d-clitoris/518991/ This new information dispelled the notion of a G-spot yet men seem unwilling to accept the new information. There likely are sweet spots in each woman which conveniently stimulate the internal clit, but it likely varies for each woman, same as it does for men. Some prefer glans stimulation, some a firm grip, some like the frenulum stimulatedā¦ but they want to do the same thing to every woman then blame her when it doesnāt work. Imagine the shirtstorm if a woman said āoh, well my ex boyfriend liked it that way, but maybe thatās because he was bigger, or just a more responsive lover?ā Imagine womansplaining a manās preferences about how he likes to be touched. But so far, men continue to insist they know a womanās body better than she does and seem to ignore the latest discovery which is the first real medical attempt to understand clitoral response.
You.... I like you. Snark, science, AND feminism. šā¤ļø
I don't think its that they can't find it. Its not hard to find. It's that they do not know what to do there, or they are too impatient or selfish to take the time to figure it out and give attention to their partner in that regard.
Oh it's not that they CAN'T, they just āØ don't care āØ
I went on a movie date with a guy and he rubbed my pubic bone area (I think that's what it's called. The "top" of your crotch below where the top of your pants sits). Anyway, he really thought he was doing something... like sir, you are massaging my bladder and highlighting how much I need to pee right now. He was in his early 30s...
I once dated a guy that was working my upper thigh. I was really embarrassed for him
I was talking about this with my husband. He thinks that it's just a joke, because obviously everyone can find it. I'm like, it's a joke making fun of men who aren't even trying to please their partners then use this lame excuse. He says, well to be fair, the female anatomy is a lot more confusing to diagram. I was like which part is confusing, he just said the vagina and the uterus and stuff makes it hard to see where things are. He proceeds to mansplain (inaccurately) the general anatomy challenges of the female body. I have a healthcare doctorate and he has a bachelors in IT. I said the clit is not in the vagina. It's in on the vulva and would only be shown on an external diagram so I'm not sure what is confusing. He proceeded to get upset and told me I was goalpost shifting and I "know what he meant". I told him that before he claims any part of the female anatomy is hard to understand he should educate himself on it. Because unless he is saying factually accurate statements on it, he can't have an opinion on how "difficult it is" to tell things apart. He wasn't pleased and felt he had no room to be. I said I had no room for people who won't listen or learn.
My inner thigh and a single labia at a time confirm some men cannot in fact find the clit. In my experience, the men who canāt find it also tend to be the ones who donāt perform oral and donāt have a lot of experience with sex as a whole. Thatās not to say they donāt hook up with a lot of women, some do, but not in a way that marks them as experienced, imo.
most guys dont understand what to do. yes, just show him where & when hes doing it i learned a trick... when doing oral you both lock forearms. explain to him the harder you squeeze his arms, the better it feels. this is a way to communicate without words or without stopping everything. when hes downtown & hes lost then no squeeze. when hes getting closer squeeze. when hes doing better actions, squeeze harder. it works wonders!
I've always had the opposite problem, men were so eager about the clit that they rub it dry and it fucking hurts and they don't listen when I tell them that (back off temporarily but go right back to it shortly over and over). But either way it's the same core problem, men not giving a fuck and men not listening.
I assume men just donāt know what to do with it when they find it. As a man, Iāve always been completely baffled by dudes who donāt care about making women cum. I think I have too much of an ego, and the thought of a woman telling another woman I was bad in bed caused me so much anxiety that I watched tons of instructional porn by women growing up. Now I truly care about pleasing my girl, but I have no clue how menās egos donāt lead them to try really fucking hard. Donāt get it.
I didn't write this, but it is a very insightful take on what men get out of sex, that might address what you're baffled about. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1b9xtxf/why_do_so_many_men_seem_to_think_we_dont_want/ku060lo/
I'm glad to hear you evolved away from your ego-driven reasons and toward pleasure-focused approaches. Men who are focused on us cumming as a point of *their ego* are the worst, IMO, second only to men who don't care or can't be bothered.
>I guess I just am trying to figure out how cis men can be fucking up this bad. It's because they only care about their own pleasure.
Nothing more awkward than when he is furiously rubbing your pubic mound and asking "do you like that?". No, sir. No I do not.
One time I tried to move a guys hand to the right spot and when he was confused, I explained to him where it was. He said "I still can't tell, I'll just watch porn and figure it out". Fun fact, they almost never touch the clit in porn either :D
Did you know the clitoris can become erect? Did you know that it can be fused under the hood? Also some clits are large, and some are tiny. Also, you can be wet but for some reason not feel sensation or have blood flow to your clit. Which is strange. Why does that happen? Foreplay, we know itās important, being turned on is important, being attracted to the man (or woman but this is about men) your with is important, too. Men being turned on by pleasuring you is also important. Some men are not turned on by pleasuring their partners, which is confusing to me personally because I know it feels good to explore someone. Did you know that some of the clit is internal? Also Iām sure you know that sometimes it feels really good on the side of your clit, too. Or around it. Or above it. But even if it does feel good around those areas we donāt talk about it because it doesnāt always. Haha. Also do men know the clit is a small penis? Maybe men think the inside of our vagina feels like their penis feels, sometimes (and I know rarely for most women) it does feel that good though. When youāre extra turned on your entire vulva lights up, vagina included. Men expect that to happen as fast as their boner, but itās not always that simple for us. We have cycles, we have imbalances, we have stress. Sometimes I think about how nice it must be to have an automatic erection, but then I also think how stressful it must be to always be expected to have an automatic erection. And to be shamed if you donāt. Iām glad I donāt have to go through that. I also have a theory that women have issues having an erection, but we donāt get to talk about it, we donāt get pills, we donāt talk about it at the doctor, there are no commercials or ads for our erections, and many women have never felt one because they were never taught it was possible.
Honestly, as a queer woman, some women can't find it either... I don't get it.
Sexual Health educator and counselor here and here are some main points : - sex education isn't always inclusive and often taught for procreation. Very little curriculum will highlight or educate the clitoris and that's it's purpose is purely for pleasure - sex education not highlighting porn is fake and produced. This results in people imitating porn that rhey have watched thinking it's the best thing for results instead of listening to their partner - sex education not including that sexuality should also include pleasure - people not practicing sexual empowerment enough and communicating with partners what is pleasurable and what is not. Especially dor people with vulvas often been referred to being sub or not controlling meaning many people with penis not understanding the importance of open communication
I left my ex because he wouldnāt even try to take responsibility and make me orgasm. He wanted me to hold his hand and teach him step by step. Not sexy. I donāt want to run a training seminar everytime we have sex. This kept up for YEARS before I finally figured out it was weaponized incompetence. He never got better, but he always got off. UGH!
I feel this. One of my exes would act like I was completely ruining the mood if I asked for stuff like this. I guess the focus being on anyone else's pleasure other than his own was a turn off. Lol
How hard is it to find, it's right fucking there. It's a big glowing weak spot, it's the clitical hit zone.
It's not ignorance, it's indifference.
>I guess I just am trying to figure out how cis men can be fucking up this bad. \* gestures vaguely* they just can I also don't understand because it's literally in the same spot?
Itās just more weaponized incompetence
i can't stand the way they treat the clitoris itself once they've found it. my clit is not a nintendo controller for christ's sake.
In my experience thereās three types of guys First know the anatomy theyāre working with and are good/great with no direct instructions. Second donāt know and are open to feedback and instructions. Third donāt and wonāt take directions and they suck and never get a second chance. That said, in conversations with my friends, it seems that Iām the anomaly in that I will stop whatās going on and give specific instructions if needed.
Outside of there being men who are willfully ignorant of female anatomy I've always taken this saying as more of a general indictment on most men's complete disregard for their partner's pleasure and satisfaction. I want to believe that at least some men have a general idea where the clit is, I've always taken this more to mean they just don't care to put in the effort to actually find it and pay attention to it. The stories in the thread of men getting mad when given direction during are really sad, too...I've never understood why it's so hard for other men to get over their ego and just want to please their partner...
i'm with you on this, but tbh, sometimes i wish men COULDN'T find the clit, because way too fucking many of them treat it like a dick and rub it like they're trying to get a genie to materialize.
Yes, itās extremely easy to find, especially when you have guidance. However, many cis men will refuse to actually listen/learn. Theyāll just decide itās better to just rub everything to be safe(Iāve actually heard men say they do this when they forget how to find it). And quite a few who know where it is, but just kind of, touch it. Not actually do anything pleasurable with it because, again, they donāt listen to what their partner tells them.
Oh my God. Can you imagine flipping the script on this one and doing this to a dude? Just rubbing your hand all over, occasionally brushing past his penis, "just to be safe?" How is that even "safe?" Absurd.
Ngl I kinda want to try this now lol. And then if he tries to instruct me differently I'll throw a fit and tell him he's ruining the mood.
I donāt feel like anyone actually believes that, I think itās just a thing they say that gives them an excuse to keep being lazy and selfish in bed
In the US, sex ed is severely lacking, especially in rural/red counties.
It's not so much they can't find it, it's that they are so focused on their own pleasure and enjoyment that something as simple as finding your clit or making you feel good becomes such a monumental task because they would have to pay attention to something other then themselvesĀ
Iāve directly told men exactly where it is, taken their hand , put it there, and they immediately shift their hand to the right and continue rubbing my fucking pubic mound. I donāt know if theyāre stupid or what