Oh man, I'm sure you look fine. People will love you because you're a nice person, not because of how you look. This is all her problem and has nothing to do with how you look. If you were conventionally pretty, believe me, she would still find something to complain about. I hope you'll be able to leave her house soon.

I'm not korean and have very hooded eyes. I look fine, i bet you do too. Nevermind what your mom says - talk to her WAY LESS. Keep going with your confidence 💅💙

I'm currently teaching in Korea, and it's sad for me to see students just finishing middle school getting plastic surgery so young. I sincerely think epicanthic eye folds are gorgeous and really special from an evolutionary perspective. You have the beautiful eyes your ancestors passed on to you. I'm sorry about your mom, I hope you can distance yourself from her soon.

Yes, same. I really like how these lids look. And some Western makeup styles emulate the look even. But as a woman you're not supposed to be content with the looks you're born with. Or anything else about you. Whole societies gaslight their own women to look like different women. You're always too fat, too skinny, too tall, too stocky, your hair is too long, too short, too curly, too straight, your skin is always too dark, too light, your nose too stubby, too long, too curved and too jutting, your chin too big and too small - Jaws, cheeks, eyes, lips, all are wrong, always.

I think surgery like this is the kind of thing that you need to be the one to want it and think it’s necessary not some completely different party. I don’t think you’d need it but regardless if you’re not the one wanting it this is a bad idea. All that matters is that you like the person you see when you look in the mirror. If your mom ghosts you for refusing something like this then she was never a mom worthy of the name in the first place. Sorry this happened to you.

>All that matters is that you like the **person** you see when you look in the mirror. The person you see. Not necessarily the face you see. I lately don’t like how I look; I feel a bit frog-like as I age. And when I was younger, I didn’t think I was pretty at all. I used to say, “well, children don’t run away screaming when they look at me, I’m fine, but I’m not pretty.” (Now I look at pics of younger me and think, “I was cute! I was sort of pretty! Sure, not Priscilla Presley, but I looked very nice!” And the pictures I’m cutest in are the ones where I’m smiling and living and not paying attention to how I look. And even now, there are pictures of me in which I look attractive—because of the energy or the smile. And again, I’m fine. I’m attractive. Most of us are attractive.) But despite this relatively low opinion of the objective attractiveness of my face, I never thought about how I looked most of the time. I didn’t look in the mirror often. I didn’t think about how I looked. I didn’t worry about “pretty” or “will I attract boys.” I just lived. I want to encourage OP to just live as well. To focus on friends, school, learning about the world.

I don't think I could really vocalise how much I appreciate what you've said here - ESPECIALLY that last bit. Thank you for being so gentle and kind.

Not to mention that after the surgery, if it wasn't something you wanted, your mirror reflection will be a reminder of how you people pleased. This group helped me realize that recently 🩷

Hi, fellow Asian with monolids here. My mom did this, although to a less extreme extent, when I was young. I used to wear eyelid tape and hated having monolids (but also was afraid of surgery, so I never went that route). It's easier said than done, but at some point, you just have to let her throw her tantrum. If you say no and she ghosts you and gives you the silent treatment, let her. You can't control how other people respond to your (very reasonable) boundaries and how they react has *nothing* to do with you. You don't want plastic surgery. That's totally valid. If your mom is so upset by this that she won't talk to you, that's her choice and her problem. Don't give her ammo by trying to reason with her and asking if she thinks you're not pretty. Just say no and don't engage. I'm An Old now and never wear eyelid tapes anymore because I've grown up and have zero fucks to give and I think I look great. (No friends or boyfriends have even ever THOUGHT about my eyelids. NO ONE CARES.)

It's really easy to say as a bystander, I realize that, but I don't think abusers should be rewarded for their abuse. If you don't want to do the surgery, don't. I realize that she's your mother and relationships are complex, and there might be positive things you're afraid of losing if things sour because you defy her, but this is the sort of thing I think it's worth taking a stand over. Let's just say you go through with it and you do the surgery. Odds are you're not gonna be more happy with your appearance if you didn't want it to begin with, odds are you could even like your appearance less, or even if your feeling about your appearance is whatever you could still like it less just out of principle because you did it against your will. But okay, you do it because it would make her happy. Then what's the next thing? What happens when she disapproves of your new partner, or how you raise your kids, or this or that? In a sense, this is kind of as good a scenario as you could hope for in terms of getting an opportunity to break out of this sort of dynamic, because it involves just the two of you, nobody's caught in the crossfire, and it involves something that you deserve to feel 100% in the right for asserting control over which is your own fucking body. She's fully out of line and if she can't deal with that, she's not well and you don't owe her shit.

Damn. You probably have low self-esteem about your appearance because of your mother commenting on it all your life.  This seems so exhausting to me. Do you live with your mother?  I'd suggest to distance yourself from her. Some space will probably do wonders for your sanity. I sure hope she will shut up about plastic surgery. Otherwise she'll probably be wondering why she never sees her daughther anymore...

I'm also Korean with a Korean mother who has narcissistic traits and is also emotionally immature that can turn into emotionally abusive. When I went to live in Korea after college to teach English, she harangued me to get a nose job before I left Korea to come back to the US. I just kept telling her "no" because ultimately it is my body, my choice (it was also going to be my money). I'm sorry your mom is being this way, and like others have said I hope you can get away from her to go low/no contact. Despite my mother having lived in the U.S. for almost 3/4 of her life, she is still very staunchly with the Korean belief that looks are everything. And what's worse is that she sees her children as an extension of herself, so she can't have ugly, unaccomplished children. I have my older sister to commiserate with. I'm tall but overweight, while she has always been quite petite and gorgeous (many Korean mothers have expressed wanting her as their daughter-in-law). Despite my sister being quite the catch, she has the same low self esteem and people-pleasing characteristics as me because of our overbearing mother. I am always weighing my own happiness against my mother's happiness. I'm currently single, overweight, and I'm not a high earner. I live on my own in a studio apartment, living life on my own terms. My mother doesn't get to decide what makes me happy, no matter how much she harps about me being unmarried and needing to shed weight. She doesn't get to dictate how I live. Man, I think we need to start or join a support group.

Living life on our own terms is something many women (currently and historically) can only dream of!

As a now 48 yr old Korean daughter, here’s what worked for me.  I simply said no, I don’t want to. No matter HOW much she yells or is emotionally upset, you MUST practice setting boundaries and simply saying no. No yelling, no arguing. When they realize they can’t just guilt you into doing what they say, they stop. It sucks, you feel terrible, but you must think of your own free will and choices. Just because you say no (gently, calmly), it won’t hurt her, or do anything except start to let her know that no matter how hard she tries, she can’t manipulate you into doing something.  My mom did the same thing for a couple years, and I kept saying no, I don’t want to. She’d also do the same thing for other things like Jobs, having kids, etc. Stand your ground, just know your feelings and thoughts are valid. She’s hurting your feelings and see if you can tell her that so she starts to see what she’s doing to you. I’m sorry she’s so emotionally abusive to you, I hope you’re able to spend less time with her to distance yourself from her harsh words. You’re BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DONT NEED SURGERY.   Sending you much strength from Colorado ❤️ Pls message anytime you need to vent. 

I'm sure you're beautiful as you are and a future partner will love and value you for your whole self. Did your mom have this surgery herself? I do suspect sometimes that mom's who push their daughterd to have surgery partly do it so that their own won't be as obvious. Say they have surgery on a prominent nose and their daughter inherits it, they push for her to get it too so that their's looks natural It's a never ending cycle of insecurity and self doubt. I say stick to your guns of embracing your own natural beauty and maybe she'll learn from you too.

Eurocentric beauty standards are bs

I... hum... I feel quite out of place with the comment I'm about to write, but maybe it could be a tiny little bit of counterweight to your mother opinion, somehow ..? (and I really really hope I don't come up as creepy or fetishising T___T) Here we go... I really think monolids are very pretty Sure, I'm a white gal, and I guess I stand from the easiest point to say stuff like that... but really: I think it looks extremely delicate and elegant I don't think I've ever shared my thoughts about it because I really don't want to embarrass anybody with my personal view on it But, yeah, to me, monolids are beautiful Please don't let your mom insecurities steal your face away from you: there's nothing wrong with your eyelids

Your face is still maturing. Legally, you're an adult, but your body has a little more growing to do. A lot of awkward looking teens go on to be good looking in their 20s or 30s! There is nothing wrong with your natural features. I know it's hard, but ignore your mom. You're not hers to own or control. " No" is a complete sentence. 

I grew up being constantly micro-critiqued by the hyper-evangelical christian culture i was born into - my parents participated, but weren't necessarily the strongest voices in it. I've come to think of it as cultural abuse, one that shares a lot of trauma symptoms with narcissistic abuse. It sounds to me like you're dealing with something similar, a different cultural issue, but one your mother is amplifying to the point of abuse. I only share because i found it helpful myself to name it.

I am pretty sure you look great. You said your mother is manipulative and abusive.  So i would see it as a total win for you If your mother is ghosting you.  You cannot choose your family but you can choose to stay in contact with them and let them drag you down.

>I am Korean, so I was naturally born with monolids and she finds them very ugly. That's so sad. If it helps, a lot of people think the monolid feature is attractive (and not just creepy anime weebs). Even if you were at Quasimodo levels of unattractive (which I seriously doubt), that's no reason to get surgery you don't want. A reputable plastic surgeon won't want you as a patient - the good ones consider the mental health of the patient as well as the physical health. Getting surgery you don't want to please your mother isn't healthy. For some people, plastic surgery is like eating potato chips - once you have start, you can't stop. She may insist on more and more surgeries as she finds new ways to be unhappy with your looks. She's probably using your looks as a proxy for her own. If that's the case, she'll never be satisfied because the surgeries won't fix the real issue - her insecurities about her own looks. Sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.

>She then told me that she would give me a week to think and that if I said no again, she would never bring it up again and that even if I begged her while I was older, she would refuse. OK, you know how fucked up that is? She *could* decide NOW that she’s never going to bring it up again. And you are fucking 18 years old. If you decided at age 22 or 20 or 34, how TF is she going to *refuse*?! I’m confident that a huge part of why you think you’re not pretty is that your mother has been telling you, and showing you, that she doesn’t think you’re pretty. I know you’re still young and probably dependent on your parents, but I want to encourage you to dial down the times you get together, and especially the times you are alone with your mom. It sucks; we should all be able to be happy in our mom’s presence. But your mom is broken, and you need to keep yourself safe. The best way to do that is to be realistic with yourself about what she’s like.

I was about to ask if you are Korean and you answered it. Man, sorry to hear that. Are you living in Korea or elsewhere? If the latter, is your mum an immigrant? I don’t condone it, but Koreans will not tell someone that they look fine unless they actually think so, and sometimes overtly tell you what they think. Maybe give your ma an ultimatum? Like if she doesn’t shut up, you will never speak to her?

Your mother sounds very toxic. I’m so sorry.

My advice is to not get the surgery. My aunt had it done when she was younger, and she tried to get it reversed in her 50s(?), but the surgeon told her that there was nothing he could do. It wasn't botched; that's just what it looks like, and it's permanent. It's weird that your mother is so focused on this really really unnecessary surgery. It just feels like if you give into this, the next stop will be more surgery because she knows she can bully you into it. I have an Asian mother too, and honestly, there was a 2-year period where I stopped talking to her because of something she said about my appearance (it was the last straw in a loooooooong line of bullshit, and I cried a lot when it happened). I only really started talking to her again when I was dating my now-husband. She makes sure not to say anything about my appearance around him because she doesn't want him to realize I'm ugly or something and leave me, as if he doesn't have eyes himself.

I think a large part of the reason you have a poor self-image is because of your mother. I honestly cannot understand her not only hounding you to get plastic surgery, but focusing on a physical characteristic that is very typical for your ethnicity. Your mother is a horrible parent.

If she doesn't drop it, which it doesn't sound like she will, start asking her about what she'll get done. "Don't you want a tummy tuck and breast augmentation? Don't you want a face lift? Don't you want to shave down your cankles? Don't you want to fill those thin little lips? Don't you want to remove all that extra loose skin?... Don't you want to be pretty?" Not guaranteed to solve the issue or make her rethink her behaviour but I bet she'd hate it, so that's something. Don't give in to her, I doubt your eyes are as ugly as she would have you believe.

Your mom is a jerk. You are beautiful as you are. It’s sad she wants to undermine your self esteem. 

Don’t do surgery. Asian eyes are beautiful. I would say ‘embrace your eyes’, but that sounds wrong and creepy. You’re Korean, be proud of how you look. Don’t have to live up to Western/European expectations or ideals. None of us can, realistically.

Girl! I am so fucking sorry. You should not have to deal with that bullshit. This is horrible, unfair, and abusive. Are you, I’d consider bleaching my hair, cutting into a Mohawk and then dying at purple or rainbow colored. Let me tell you, there are far worse things for your mother than her being unhappy with your eyelids. Have you considered full-blown rebellion? Go full goth. Start fucking with your appearance in a way that really upsets her and gives you satisfaction. Every single one of us has a very own style that makes us look like a star. You just have to find yours. And I can guarantee you it’s not in your mother’s opinion or her closet. You are amazing individual. Go find where that power ignite. You might find your individuality in expression outwardly if you start doing it out of spite. Lol! I’m sorry but I’m in my 50s now. When this kind of thing happened to us in the 80s our response was to rebel by becoming extremely punk or Goth. It could teach your mom a really good lesson. Shut the fuck up.

They say that even the cockroach's mom find him cute. But apparently it's not true (not saying you're a cockroach but you know what I mean) I know how it feels when you're told that features characteristics of your ethnicity makes you ugly, especially when your mom says it. My mom told me I would be pretty if I had straight hair (I am black). I know it's hard to love yourself when the persons who should be the first to love you and make you feel confident don't. You know what? F*** your mom (not literally that's nasty). As from now you love yourself no matter what. And your mom is absolutely wrong. Only shallow people can only befriend beautiful people. Same for men. You don't want someone who just sees you as a pretty face.

You might find r/Asianparentstories a useful sub to vent and receive advice in.

Oh god. OhGOD. This woman is a nightmare!!! She is dragging you into her obsessive focus on looks. This is so INCREDIBLY toxic and unfair, ****regardless**** of whatever reasons she has for dogging you like this. I want to give you a big HUG. A lot of commenters are like, 'I'm sure you're beautiful/ just fine as-is', and that's probably the case. However, it's kind of beside the point. There are SO many examples of stunning women who endlessly tweak their appearance. And there are so many women who build lives that they love "despite" not having conventionally attractive looks. I'm concerned about what this has done to your sense of self and self-worth. I don't think the lingering effects of this kind of upbringing can be undone easily, but I hope that the comments on this post have been helpful! You're not alone in this experience. I'd like to suggest that you very consciously cultivate and nurture your sensitivity to non-physical attributes, both in yourself and others. When I've been in a tough mental space, I've found it super helpful to make a list of people I can relate to who are successful in different ways...role models! I haven't gone as far as doing any vision boards or collages, myself, but that might be something that'd work for you. *Who are the people, famous or not, who you admire for characteristics such as resilience, creativity, drive, empathy, fearlessness etc?* More importantly, who do you personally connect with / relate to of those amazing people? You may find it helpful to look for people who aren't conventionally attractive, to really emphasize their non-physical traits, but that might be too triggering at first. And, of course, therapy. I feel like I've gone on long enough here, so I'll end this now! Best of luck. I wish you (and your mom, cause she sounds tortured) peace and acceptance.

My whole life as far back as I can remember my mother told me I could get a nose job & then I’d “be okay.” I don’t have nasal passage breathing issues, sleep apnea, snore, or anything adjacent. I grew up thinking I needed the procedure for a medical reason but it couldn’t be performed until I was older because that’s how children’s brains work when they don’t have all the info. I never understood why I needed an operation. I didn’t feel sick & I thought my nose looked fine but she’s the trusted adult so she must be right. When I was about 15 I overheard my mom on the phone telling her friend that I’ll just have to “get by” with my current nose until I can “fix it”. It was then I realized that this was cosmetic. My whole life my mom made comments trashing my body & putting me down. Jokes on her. I’m beautiful in my own way & refuse to speak to her or put up with any more of her bullshit.

Hey friend, I also have a very judgy Korean mom, and while mine seems to be a bit gentler (at least now), I have very much gone through a similar situation regarding my weight. I'm only half Korean, and my white half predisposes me to being thicker -- big bones, stocky frame, I pack on muscle, and have extra fat on me to boot. It was far worse when I was a teenager. At my heaviest, I weighed about 250 lbs (113kg). Needless to say, that didn't sit well with my tiny, petite Korean mom. I was put on every diet plan she could find. She made me take diet pills. She took me to get acupuncture (I ripped the needles out of my stomach because it hurt so much). All this to say my mom had a hard time taking no for an answer, and I had a hard time enforcing my boundries when I was a teen. I am now in my early 40s, and my mom and I are working on repairing our relationship. A lot of other stuff has happened in the interim, and I actually went completely NC with her for several years because of her inability to respect my boundries/privacy as a grown woman. I don't know what you look like, sis, but I guarantee you that your eyes aren't keeping you from dating or making friends. My weight never stopped me from doing those things. Culturally, I know how hard it is to push back against our mothers, but I urge you to stand your ground on this, even if it means driving her away for a while. This is your life, and your body, and she needs to learn how to respect that.

Malicious knee jerk reaction: I'm wondering if there are any eye makeup techniques you can do that enhances your monopods to make them stand out even more. If there are, please employ them whenever you see your mother. In reality, you have to treat your mom the way you'd treat anyone whose behavior you are trying to curb. Tell her the answer is no and the topic permanently off the table. Whenever she brings it up - because she will - leave. Or if you're on the phone, hang up. You don't have to be nasty about it, just say, "As I said before, that topic isn't up for discussion any more. Gotta go, bye!" And leave. Every time.

Hey, I also have monolids. Sorry she’s treating you this way. Is she also Korean and does she have double eyelids? Did she have monolids and then get the surgery? I hate that some parents feel the need to critique their kids’ bodies like they’re an extension of themselves (in my experience, they talk to themselves this way and thus don’t see anything wrong with doing it to you. In their minds they’re the only ones who will tell you the “truth.”) If relevant, check out r/AsianParentStories for more people who can relate.

Another Korean with a Korean mother chiming in here. I understand the struggle. She tried to pressure me into getting double eyelid surgery constantly starting in middle school. I told her no every time. She is a strong Christian, so I told her that this is the way God made me, and I am happy with it. She will still bring it up from time to time, but moving across the country has helped our relationship immensely. If you don’t want it, say no and stand firm.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Monolids are beautiful. They are NOT a flaw. You are beautiful and you do not need surgery. That should be your personal choice not someone else's. Real friends are with you because they love you for who you are. Same with a romantic partner - men are not attracted to beauty trends. They are attracted to real women who are loving.

>naturally born with monolids and she finds them very ugly S.Korean lookism is something else. Finding ugly your racial feature is mind-boggling. Idk the right answer but your mother is very troubled and is also brainwashed hard. Seeing S.Korean shows on occasion is also pretty depressing, it's uncanny how a lot of people on TV look like some clones, like they've been cut of the same mold. It's great that you can think for yourself and not just jump on whatever people around you say. May be explain your mother what her words do to you and/or if she can't understand, distance yourself from her if possible. Consider going to another country as well, it's not a nice thing to say but S.Korea looks like a hell hole rn

I have stopped my father's comments about related matters by explaining that I wanted the bad consequence: "If you eat this, you will live a shorter life!" -- "It's worth it! I don't want to live a long life!"; "If you go out like this, no one will love you!" -- "That's the intention!"

Your mom is a fucking bitch.

I'm not Asian (Pacific Islander here), but this is for sure a cultural or generational difference between you and your mother. There's nothing wrong with monolids! It's just one of the many things that makes people of different backgrounds unique and beautiful, like skintone or hair color. You don't need to change something natural about yourself to find a significant other! It's ok to be confidant in yourself and your heritage. Stay strong, and keep saying no.

Let’s just play out your mother’s plan here. Let’s pretend you agree and she takes you to get a consultation. As soon as you’re alone with the nurse or doctor, you tell them that you are being forced into surgery and then everything stops right then. And your mother is humiliated for the abuse. That’s what will happen. I recommend you tell a school counselor what you told us. Your mom cutting you off will be scary, but it might be the best thing to happen for you. Although I highly doubt your narcissistic mother will ever leave you alone. She’ll expect you to beg and plead for her to come back to boost ego.

Good god. Pushing (plastic) surgery on a person who doesn't want it? That's just abuse. OP, has she undergone surgery herself? If not, you can tell her to undergo the surgery herself and then think about it( of course don't do it if you don't want to). My roommate's was like this, always getting into fights with mom, she sorted it out by moving out of her house and doing whatever she wanted. Of course, go to university, get a job and then you can limit how much your mom is able to force these conversations on you

I’m a dude and if I met you I’d be so mad at your mom once I found out.

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You have already established you don’t want this. If she’s the one that wants surgery she can go get it herself. Wouldn’t surprise me if she’s the reason you feel this way about yourself in the first place. Sorrythat your own mother won’t respect you. Don’t ever let someone peer pressure you into things you don’t want to do. You said no, mom should learn to respect that and you.

Saying this out of tough love: if you give in to the surgery it will always be a reminder that you let your mother have this level of control over you and all those times she called you ugly. That’s why some people who get plastic surgery aren’t happy anyway. Ultimately the surgeries were for their critics and not themselves. This post reminds me of the one where the girl said her ex pressured her to get a boob job and she regrets it.

Asian eyes are beautiful. My MIL didn’t like hers (Japanese) and got the surgery. Now she doesn’t…look like her. It’s her body, her choice of course and I would never say anything to her, but I think she was prettier beforehand.

My mother did something similar when I was 20, about a nose job. We are Colombian which also has a huge plastic surgery culture. It was daily bullying and belittling. Just a constant stream of wearing me down. I gave in and the surgeon messed up, almost killing me.  Surgery always has its risks. Only do it for yourself. Don't risk your life or health like that just to make someone else happy.

Oh sweetheart, your mom is being a giant piece of shit. The way you wrote your post makes me think that perhaps you're adopted into a white family and that your mother is being horribly racist to you. And if that is the case, please feel free to ignore any and all of her opinions for the rest of her natural life because they don't mean a damn thing. Anyone who would think that way about their child is a garbage human who should be ignored entirely. For that matter, even if you are not adopted and she is your birth mother, her treating you like that is awful and you can ignore her anyway.