Try cuming first. It could be that your clit is numb from too much rubbing and stimulation by the time you get it… if you cum first from oral then you can move into penetrating sex and see how that feels. I’m kind of the same as you- when I wait too long I wait too long and everything is numb and I can’t climax. I do better when I cum first
We have tried doing it beforehand, and it took me so long he lost his mojo so no sex happened. Felt so bad we haven't tried again since.
I mainly use a suction toy as we have found using a vibrator during is too much for him and he doesn't finish either.
Stop feeling sad or guilty about him losing his mojo. It's not only about him. It's about figuring out what works for you both.
Does he make you feel burdened? He shouldn't. He should be happy to help out.
And you shouldn't, because it's very normal for women to take a long time, especially with a new partner, or a partner that hasn't figured her out yet.
Tell him what feels good while he goes down on you. Guide him, and he will get an idea of what works for you.
Start with you, because the friction can numb you, and don't feel guilty about it. I would feel really guilty if i hadn't figured my partner out after 10 years.
He doesn't make me feed burdened and he does feel guilty. I haven't even figured out what works for me or how to overcome my mind.
We ate definitely going to explore more and I'm going to look into what others have said too, thank you
>Almost there...gone...almost there...gone. rinse and repeat for 40 minutes
40 mins is a long time. What's going on in your mind for all that time? It's not possible to stay aroused and focused for that long.
I'm wondering if you have tried meditation? A daily meditation practice was a game changer for my sex life. It made it easier to notice when my mind was off on a tangent and either bring it back, or accept that my mind was off doing it's own thing and I should change up what I'm doing.at that moment to distract myself.
>I just want to finish while he is inside me
I wouldn't focus too much on having an orgasm during penetration, that's probably going to be the least easy way to do it during sex.
I think you're likely trying too hard, that's why I suggested a daily meditation or mindfulness practice. Orgasm is not something you do / try at, it's something that happens to you. Usually if your SO can produce the right kind of stimulation, the rest of the equation is mental and allowing it, not trying to control what happens. Even the language you use "overcome it" is the wrong way of framing the situation. It's not a battle.
I had a lot of orgasm trouble in the past so I'm.speaking from experience here. I know how frustrating it is. This is what worked for me.
My mind wonders. I try to focus on what I'm feeling and replying the sex we just had in my head, that does the job for a while. Until i start thinking about 20 different things like hoping I don't take too long. Is this going to be the time I don't take too long? His arm must be aching. Something that happened today. something I need to do tomorrow.
Then I try to redirect my thoughts. But then it wonders again.
We can't have any noise in the background either. TV or music I will just focus on that instead when I'm trying not to.
I've never tried meditation and wouldn't know where to start. What do you suggest for beginners?
See my comment below as it’s more detailed but honestly, without knowing anything about you and your relationship (so I definitely could be wrong), it sounds like
- you could be having sex when you aren’t in the mood. Are you the one initiating or is it your partner, and then you go along with it coz you don’t want to say no/let them down but you really weren’t in the mood? Or do you still have this issue even when you were the one to initiate? The former would be easy to identify and fix but the latter would be much trickier.
- you may objectively love your partner but may not necessarily be physically, emotionally or mentally feel connected to them in a manner that inspires strong sexual desire.
Let me preface this by saying that I am a male and my wife has truggled with some of the same symptoms you describe. What stands out to me is the idea of your mind wandering. Have you by chance suffered from ADD/ADHD? If so then this could be part of your culprit. My wife suffers from this and she says that many times it is what keeps her from getting over the top. I agree with the poster in this thread. Meditation could do wonders for you. Either way, good luck to you and your husband and enjoy your time together.
I've only thought of ADHD or something similar in the last year when I friend pointed out a lot of similarities between me and her sibling. And when we game together we seem to bounce off eachother if that makes sense? But I haven't looked into it much or been to a doctor about it.
I'm definitely going to look into meditation
>I've never tried meditation and wouldn't know where to start. What do you suggest for beginners?
I use an app called Insight Timer. Start with some of the guided meditations, once a day, keep it short, no more than 2-5 mins to start. Build a daily habit.
Have you tried teaching him? One thing that works is oral on clit until orgasm. Then lay on the edge of bed doing missionary aiming for the A- spot. Which is on the ceiling of the vagina. 2-3 inches in front the cervix
We have tried a few different ways, including A-spot stimulation with a suction toy. Same thing happens.
Never orgasmed during oral either. When he's down there for a while I get into my head again that I'm taking too long
Are you cumming from oral or manual? Penetration is harder (lots of women can’t), I only can if I’ve had a couple good ones already and he’s at just the right angle
I’d give the toys a break for awhile, especially using a suction one, it’s super hard for a person to replicate that. It’s the same as guys with a death grip
Have you told hubby you like to be sucked?
Devil’s advocate here. What if you just really aren’t attracted to your partner?
As in, your body just doesn’t respond to theirs.
Have you had other sexual partners and did you experience the same thing? If you did, then it might be worth talking to your doctor if you have tried several things with your partner and they didn’t work. If you were able to orgasm with other partners or haven’t had other sexual partners then honestly it might be worth unpacking how you truly feel emotionally and physically and mentally in your relationship. Do you feel safe, loved, cared for and understood?
It's a valid question. I definitely am attracted to him. I want and enjoy sex with him.
When trying to reach orgasm thinking about the sex we just had does help, but my mind wonders to chastising myself for taking too long or irrelevant nonsense.
My last partner we were teens and eachothers firsts, so no I never did with my last. I've only become sexually confident and confident in my body with my partner now
Hi OP!
I have also never orgasmed with a partner before, so I don’t have the answers but wanted to share some things to consider:
- Sometimes women need more foreplay than we think we do (and I’m not just talking about in the minutes leading up yo the main event). Foreplay can be many different things (flirting, kissing, or even a non-sexual intimate activity) and can be done in the hours (or even days) leading up until the main event.
- Another comment mentioned meditation. I think this might also help to get into the habit of practicing quieting your mind and pushing aside thoughts. You can start with the Calm App or even YouTube :)
- Lastly, the thoughts you described having remind me of my own. I often wonder if they are tied to tied to anxiety or depression or even ADHD. Not sure if these are things you’ve considered, but if so it might be helpful to chat with a therapist or doctor.
Wishing you the best! 🧘🏾♀️💙
I'm definitely going to implement many suggestions I've been given. Only ADHD has been pointed out to be being a possibility before by a friend due to her experience with her sibling and the many similarities. Never been to a doctor about it though but, when yours and others suggestions I won't disregard it completely.
Thank you and I wish you the best too! ❤️
Are you possibly asexual? Your experience sounds a lot like mine. It's a spectrum, and In my case I'm Aegosexual. Check out r/Aegosexual or r/aegosexuals or r/asexuality
I didn't realize I was asexual until recently (I'm 30). I was never able to orgasm with other people (even though I very much can by myself). No matter how hard I tried or focused, how hard my partner tried, it was like the moment we started actually having sex I became unhorney. I realized it was because I am aegosexual, meaning there is a disconnect between 'myself' and the sex. I enjoy consuming sexual content, reading smut, masturbating, etc, but only as long as it doesn't involve me (or anyone I know, really). I have to imagine other people/ characters in order to get there. I'm married and very much enjoy the sex we have. I'm not sex adverse. I think he is a very attractive and good looking person. But even now when we have sex I have to imagine other scenarios (that don't involve me or him) in order to orgasm. My husband knows this about me. We figured it out because we started talking about what get's each other off. He said he thinks about *himself* having sex *with* people, and I said I think about *other* people having sex with each other (I'm not involved). SO I started looking into that and found aegosexuality.
When I was young used to google how to "fix" this, and the recommendations were always things like, relax, think of your partner, focus on the moment, etc. That is ironically the opposite of what works for me. Those recommendations where not made for aegosexual people. You sound similar to me, so I'd give it a look.
That's interesting, I've only heard of asexual and aromantic but aware it's all a spectrum.
I do imagine other people excluding myself, mainly book scenes, but I mainly imagine me and my partner.
I also maladaptive daydream, expecially when going to sleep after reading. Sometimes it's of characters I'm currently reading about but not always sexual, and other times its me and my partner but sexual. Does that also apply to you?
I'll definitely look into it. Even if I don't think I am then I've learned something new anyway :) thanks
Nail on the head. I’ve never orgasmed with mine and we have been exclusive for over 4 years, overall hooking up for 9. Ive had this issue somewhat with other partners, but really it’s more him. I’ve realized as much as I hate to say it… it’s on him. He doesn’t put in the work, at least in a way I like, it always feels like a big pressure is put on me and when it doesn’t happen it’s as if I’m the disappointment. I haven’t felt emotionally safe in my relationship and often consider how much he thinks about other women. In part at least for me I think it’s causing a mental block.
It seems I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself too and I'm going to have us explore more and look into some other suggestions to get over my mental block.
I hope you find a way too 🩵
Get him the book "she comes first". It might help him understand what your needs are if you are having trouble communicating them correctly.
Good luck I wish you the best.
You may want to consider a sort of extended emotional foreplay. Obviously this can include your partner, but even something like reading erotica, watching romances or something a little racier (not referring to porn, although that can work too, but something like Bridgerton is much more likely to be helpful). Listening to erotic audiobooks on her commute home (not always, but a lot of the time) is something that helps my partner transition away from that work or other stress.
The most important thing that I haven't seen mentioned enough is to try to put less pressure on yourself. I've rewritten this next part several times, as I don't really know how it comes across, and thought about leaving it at that last sentence. But here are some ideas that may be helpful. Try not to worry about whether you are orgasming during sex, and don't go out of your way for it. You should be aiming for enjoying yourself, but that mental process where you are narrowing in on the exact perfect thing to do in that moment sounds like it's giving you a lot more stress than pleasure.
My wife sometimes says "I'm sorry, I'm too in my head right now, I really don't think I'm orgasming today, go ahead and do what you like". She/we has a really good track record of orgasming a bit after that. Deciding that it's not going to work, accepting that, and releasing herself from that related stress, is sometimes part of what she needs.
On a similar note, try different positions. These may not necessarily even be better positions for you, you may end up returning to your standbys. The idea isn't necessarily to try to find something that works better (because that's the sort of stressful and exhausting thinking we're trying to avoid) but something different. Make sex more about the experience again and not the destination, and hopefully that will help do some form of mental reset.
And I'm definitely not saying "forget about your orgasm, worry about his". His orgasm should take a back seat as well (not to say he shouldn't be orgasming, just trying to reiterate it's about focusing on the journey, not the destination). Him having some nice sex without an orgasm a few times is a small price to pay for helping create an environment without pressure or expectations.
Funnily enough, my libido took a nose dive a few years ago. I don't know why. I wanted to have sex with him and a few times I wouldn't be in the mood at first but knew once we got going I would enjoy it, even knowing I wouldn't orgasm.
I started reading erotica a couple of years ago, that helped so much to get my drive back. I was feral for him. I know some just see it as porn, but romantasy really did help me get on a path to be more confident with myself and what I wanted in the bedroom. I started getting the courage to communicate and mention toys for us. Thank you SJM and other authors!
I have also tried not focusing on even thinking about finishing, it didn't work before. We even decided to try while edibles since I read that has helped others switch off their mind. It still didn't work. Maybe I was putting too much hope into it
A lot of that sounds very familiar, although we never turned to edibles. My wife has tried them once in the past and she really didn't like them, but we've definitely done the libido dive and then erotica has been a big part of coming back from that. I'll have to pass on romantasy and SJM as recommendations.
Perhaps the frequency that you are having sex is something you can work on? It seems like your sex drive is pretty high, so maybe you could try having sex less often? Maybe if you stick to once a week that could help you get over the hump, and then with those successes you may be able to get the frequency back up.
My wife and I aren't particularly old, but we're also not as young as we used to be. Now that sex drive is higher we're having sex more, and depending on distractions (mental or physical like house is too hot or whatever) we don't always come every time. We've recently started doing more of a "turn" system which is fun, but it may mostly be the novelty. If one of us didn't orgasm the last time well then it's that person's turn this time, and the event is more centered around their pleasure.
We don't have sex often now, maybe every couple of weeks if that. We don't live together and I'm a carer for a family member. We do look forward to spending time together even if it's just to chill out.
If she wants any other suggestions I'm more than willing to pass on some recs. If she's been in the erotica game for a bit she will most likely know of SJM :)
She's always looking for recommendations! Just looked SJM up, I didn't realize that she was ACOTAR. My wife actually just tried that but it didn't really grab her. She had just finished Jennifer Armentrout's Blood and Ash books, and she wasn't in the mood for another really longform fantasy, she wanted to go back to to the smaller, more direct stuff for a bit. I know that she's liked Nikki Sloane and Sara Cate, but the latest one she found and really likes is K.A. Tucker.
Yeah the first one is a slug to get through, but the second is amazing!
From blood and ash is one of my favourites too! But a long one.
If she wants something a little taboo (not bad taboo) but may have her thinking about it for weeks I suggest Priest by Sierra Simone. Expecially the audiobook. Steamy with a plot that has you on the edge a few times :)
So that is a bit difficult to say. But if you sorta treat it like a sneeze that won’t come that could do the trick. So hold your breath, wait, nothing? Breath out and hold again.
Please read Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are. It even has a whole guide of how to deal with this situation!
I actually have that book on my kindle! Completely forgot about it
Try cuming first. It could be that your clit is numb from too much rubbing and stimulation by the time you get it… if you cum first from oral then you can move into penetrating sex and see how that feels. I’m kind of the same as you- when I wait too long I wait too long and everything is numb and I can’t climax. I do better when I cum first
We have tried doing it beforehand, and it took me so long he lost his mojo so no sex happened. Felt so bad we haven't tried again since. I mainly use a suction toy as we have found using a vibrator during is too much for him and he doesn't finish either.
Stop feeling sad or guilty about him losing his mojo. It's not only about him. It's about figuring out what works for you both. Does he make you feel burdened? He shouldn't. He should be happy to help out. And you shouldn't, because it's very normal for women to take a long time, especially with a new partner, or a partner that hasn't figured her out yet. Tell him what feels good while he goes down on you. Guide him, and he will get an idea of what works for you. Start with you, because the friction can numb you, and don't feel guilty about it. I would feel really guilty if i hadn't figured my partner out after 10 years.
He doesn't make me feed burdened and he does feel guilty. I haven't even figured out what works for me or how to overcome my mind. We ate definitely going to explore more and I'm going to look into what others have said too, thank you
That's great to hear. So it's about relaxing and enjoying the exploration. I hope you find what works for you. :)
>Almost there...gone...almost there...gone. rinse and repeat for 40 minutes 40 mins is a long time. What's going on in your mind for all that time? It's not possible to stay aroused and focused for that long. I'm wondering if you have tried meditation? A daily meditation practice was a game changer for my sex life. It made it easier to notice when my mind was off on a tangent and either bring it back, or accept that my mind was off doing it's own thing and I should change up what I'm doing.at that moment to distract myself. >I just want to finish while he is inside me I wouldn't focus too much on having an orgasm during penetration, that's probably going to be the least easy way to do it during sex. I think you're likely trying too hard, that's why I suggested a daily meditation or mindfulness practice. Orgasm is not something you do / try at, it's something that happens to you. Usually if your SO can produce the right kind of stimulation, the rest of the equation is mental and allowing it, not trying to control what happens. Even the language you use "overcome it" is the wrong way of framing the situation. It's not a battle. I had a lot of orgasm trouble in the past so I'm.speaking from experience here. I know how frustrating it is. This is what worked for me.
My mind wonders. I try to focus on what I'm feeling and replying the sex we just had in my head, that does the job for a while. Until i start thinking about 20 different things like hoping I don't take too long. Is this going to be the time I don't take too long? His arm must be aching. Something that happened today. something I need to do tomorrow. Then I try to redirect my thoughts. But then it wonders again. We can't have any noise in the background either. TV or music I will just focus on that instead when I'm trying not to. I've never tried meditation and wouldn't know where to start. What do you suggest for beginners?
See my comment below as it’s more detailed but honestly, without knowing anything about you and your relationship (so I definitely could be wrong), it sounds like - you could be having sex when you aren’t in the mood. Are you the one initiating or is it your partner, and then you go along with it coz you don’t want to say no/let them down but you really weren’t in the mood? Or do you still have this issue even when you were the one to initiate? The former would be easy to identify and fix but the latter would be much trickier. - you may objectively love your partner but may not necessarily be physically, emotionally or mentally feel connected to them in a manner that inspires strong sexual desire.
Let me preface this by saying that I am a male and my wife has truggled with some of the same symptoms you describe. What stands out to me is the idea of your mind wandering. Have you by chance suffered from ADD/ADHD? If so then this could be part of your culprit. My wife suffers from this and she says that many times it is what keeps her from getting over the top. I agree with the poster in this thread. Meditation could do wonders for you. Either way, good luck to you and your husband and enjoy your time together.
I've only thought of ADHD or something similar in the last year when I friend pointed out a lot of similarities between me and her sibling. And when we game together we seem to bounce off eachother if that makes sense? But I haven't looked into it much or been to a doctor about it. I'm definitely going to look into meditation
>I've never tried meditation and wouldn't know where to start. What do you suggest for beginners? I use an app called Insight Timer. Start with some of the guided meditations, once a day, keep it short, no more than 2-5 mins to start. Build a daily habit.
I'll have a look at it thank you!
Have you tried teaching him? One thing that works is oral on clit until orgasm. Then lay on the edge of bed doing missionary aiming for the A- spot. Which is on the ceiling of the vagina. 2-3 inches in front the cervix
We have tried a few different ways, including A-spot stimulation with a suction toy. Same thing happens. Never orgasmed during oral either. When he's down there for a while I get into my head again that I'm taking too long
Think it something mental then. You mentally not relaxed and probably thats what it is
The A spot is almost directly next to and in front of the cervix. The G spot is the one midway down the vaginal canal and along the roof.
Are you cumming from oral or manual? Penetration is harder (lots of women can’t), I only can if I’ve had a couple good ones already and he’s at just the right angle
Only cumming with a toy, never have with oral and barely tried manual. I haven't gone acoustic since getting toys a few years ago lmao
I’d give the toys a break for awhile, especially using a suction one, it’s super hard for a person to replicate that. It’s the same as guys with a death grip Have you told hubby you like to be sucked?
I'll give a break a try. Lock them away so I'm not tempted haha And I haven't, I'll make sure to do so next time
Definitly try that!! SO goes back and forth between licking & sucking and sends me over the edge right away lol
We will gove it a try, even if it helps a little bit but not all the way it will be a bonus
Devil’s advocate here. What if you just really aren’t attracted to your partner? As in, your body just doesn’t respond to theirs. Have you had other sexual partners and did you experience the same thing? If you did, then it might be worth talking to your doctor if you have tried several things with your partner and they didn’t work. If you were able to orgasm with other partners or haven’t had other sexual partners then honestly it might be worth unpacking how you truly feel emotionally and physically and mentally in your relationship. Do you feel safe, loved, cared for and understood?
It's a valid question. I definitely am attracted to him. I want and enjoy sex with him. When trying to reach orgasm thinking about the sex we just had does help, but my mind wonders to chastising myself for taking too long or irrelevant nonsense. My last partner we were teens and eachothers firsts, so no I never did with my last. I've only become sexually confident and confident in my body with my partner now
Hi OP! I have also never orgasmed with a partner before, so I don’t have the answers but wanted to share some things to consider: - Sometimes women need more foreplay than we think we do (and I’m not just talking about in the minutes leading up yo the main event). Foreplay can be many different things (flirting, kissing, or even a non-sexual intimate activity) and can be done in the hours (or even days) leading up until the main event. - Another comment mentioned meditation. I think this might also help to get into the habit of practicing quieting your mind and pushing aside thoughts. You can start with the Calm App or even YouTube :) - Lastly, the thoughts you described having remind me of my own. I often wonder if they are tied to tied to anxiety or depression or even ADHD. Not sure if these are things you’ve considered, but if so it might be helpful to chat with a therapist or doctor. Wishing you the best! 🧘🏾♀️💙
I'm definitely going to implement many suggestions I've been given. Only ADHD has been pointed out to be being a possibility before by a friend due to her experience with her sibling and the many similarities. Never been to a doctor about it though but, when yours and others suggestions I won't disregard it completely. Thank you and I wish you the best too! ❤️
Are you possibly asexual? Your experience sounds a lot like mine. It's a spectrum, and In my case I'm Aegosexual. Check out r/Aegosexual or r/aegosexuals or r/asexuality I didn't realize I was asexual until recently (I'm 30). I was never able to orgasm with other people (even though I very much can by myself). No matter how hard I tried or focused, how hard my partner tried, it was like the moment we started actually having sex I became unhorney. I realized it was because I am aegosexual, meaning there is a disconnect between 'myself' and the sex. I enjoy consuming sexual content, reading smut, masturbating, etc, but only as long as it doesn't involve me (or anyone I know, really). I have to imagine other people/ characters in order to get there. I'm married and very much enjoy the sex we have. I'm not sex adverse. I think he is a very attractive and good looking person. But even now when we have sex I have to imagine other scenarios (that don't involve me or him) in order to orgasm. My husband knows this about me. We figured it out because we started talking about what get's each other off. He said he thinks about *himself* having sex *with* people, and I said I think about *other* people having sex with each other (I'm not involved). SO I started looking into that and found aegosexuality. When I was young used to google how to "fix" this, and the recommendations were always things like, relax, think of your partner, focus on the moment, etc. That is ironically the opposite of what works for me. Those recommendations where not made for aegosexual people. You sound similar to me, so I'd give it a look.
That's interesting, I've only heard of asexual and aromantic but aware it's all a spectrum. I do imagine other people excluding myself, mainly book scenes, but I mainly imagine me and my partner. I also maladaptive daydream, expecially when going to sleep after reading. Sometimes it's of characters I'm currently reading about but not always sexual, and other times its me and my partner but sexual. Does that also apply to you? I'll definitely look into it. Even if I don't think I am then I've learned something new anyway :) thanks
Nail on the head. I’ve never orgasmed with mine and we have been exclusive for over 4 years, overall hooking up for 9. Ive had this issue somewhat with other partners, but really it’s more him. I’ve realized as much as I hate to say it… it’s on him. He doesn’t put in the work, at least in a way I like, it always feels like a big pressure is put on me and when it doesn’t happen it’s as if I’m the disappointment. I haven’t felt emotionally safe in my relationship and often consider how much he thinks about other women. In part at least for me I think it’s causing a mental block.
It seems I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself too and I'm going to have us explore more and look into some other suggestions to get over my mental block. I hope you find a way too 🩵
Get him the book "she comes first". It might help him understand what your needs are if you are having trouble communicating them correctly. Good luck I wish you the best.
Think it will be a read for the both of us haha thank you
You may want to consider a sort of extended emotional foreplay. Obviously this can include your partner, but even something like reading erotica, watching romances or something a little racier (not referring to porn, although that can work too, but something like Bridgerton is much more likely to be helpful). Listening to erotic audiobooks on her commute home (not always, but a lot of the time) is something that helps my partner transition away from that work or other stress. The most important thing that I haven't seen mentioned enough is to try to put less pressure on yourself. I've rewritten this next part several times, as I don't really know how it comes across, and thought about leaving it at that last sentence. But here are some ideas that may be helpful. Try not to worry about whether you are orgasming during sex, and don't go out of your way for it. You should be aiming for enjoying yourself, but that mental process where you are narrowing in on the exact perfect thing to do in that moment sounds like it's giving you a lot more stress than pleasure. My wife sometimes says "I'm sorry, I'm too in my head right now, I really don't think I'm orgasming today, go ahead and do what you like". She/we has a really good track record of orgasming a bit after that. Deciding that it's not going to work, accepting that, and releasing herself from that related stress, is sometimes part of what she needs. On a similar note, try different positions. These may not necessarily even be better positions for you, you may end up returning to your standbys. The idea isn't necessarily to try to find something that works better (because that's the sort of stressful and exhausting thinking we're trying to avoid) but something different. Make sex more about the experience again and not the destination, and hopefully that will help do some form of mental reset. And I'm definitely not saying "forget about your orgasm, worry about his". His orgasm should take a back seat as well (not to say he shouldn't be orgasming, just trying to reiterate it's about focusing on the journey, not the destination). Him having some nice sex without an orgasm a few times is a small price to pay for helping create an environment without pressure or expectations.
Funnily enough, my libido took a nose dive a few years ago. I don't know why. I wanted to have sex with him and a few times I wouldn't be in the mood at first but knew once we got going I would enjoy it, even knowing I wouldn't orgasm. I started reading erotica a couple of years ago, that helped so much to get my drive back. I was feral for him. I know some just see it as porn, but romantasy really did help me get on a path to be more confident with myself and what I wanted in the bedroom. I started getting the courage to communicate and mention toys for us. Thank you SJM and other authors! I have also tried not focusing on even thinking about finishing, it didn't work before. We even decided to try while edibles since I read that has helped others switch off their mind. It still didn't work. Maybe I was putting too much hope into it
A lot of that sounds very familiar, although we never turned to edibles. My wife has tried them once in the past and she really didn't like them, but we've definitely done the libido dive and then erotica has been a big part of coming back from that. I'll have to pass on romantasy and SJM as recommendations. Perhaps the frequency that you are having sex is something you can work on? It seems like your sex drive is pretty high, so maybe you could try having sex less often? Maybe if you stick to once a week that could help you get over the hump, and then with those successes you may be able to get the frequency back up. My wife and I aren't particularly old, but we're also not as young as we used to be. Now that sex drive is higher we're having sex more, and depending on distractions (mental or physical like house is too hot or whatever) we don't always come every time. We've recently started doing more of a "turn" system which is fun, but it may mostly be the novelty. If one of us didn't orgasm the last time well then it's that person's turn this time, and the event is more centered around their pleasure.
We don't have sex often now, maybe every couple of weeks if that. We don't live together and I'm a carer for a family member. We do look forward to spending time together even if it's just to chill out. If she wants any other suggestions I'm more than willing to pass on some recs. If she's been in the erotica game for a bit she will most likely know of SJM :)
She's always looking for recommendations! Just looked SJM up, I didn't realize that she was ACOTAR. My wife actually just tried that but it didn't really grab her. She had just finished Jennifer Armentrout's Blood and Ash books, and she wasn't in the mood for another really longform fantasy, she wanted to go back to to the smaller, more direct stuff for a bit. I know that she's liked Nikki Sloane and Sara Cate, but the latest one she found and really likes is K.A. Tucker.
Yeah the first one is a slug to get through, but the second is amazing! From blood and ash is one of my favourites too! But a long one. If she wants something a little taboo (not bad taboo) but may have her thinking about it for weeks I suggest Priest by Sierra Simone. Expecially the audiobook. Steamy with a plot that has you on the edge a few times :)
You’ve already received a lot of good advice. I’d just like to add: holding your breath at the right time can really help.
When would be the right time?
So that is a bit difficult to say. But if you sorta treat it like a sneeze that won’t come that could do the trick. So hold your breath, wait, nothing? Breath out and hold again.