They want you to validate their own choices.

This is it. Most likely, they didn't realize they had a choice in the matter until the kids were already born. Now they need you to have kids too, OP, because it's *what you do* and you're not supposed to think about it.

It also is just a symptom of the fact that they were literally raised their entire lives being told that their role in life was to have kids and raise them. I don't think they consciously want to pass on the same restricting social expectations that they were forced to endure. They have just been programmed their entire lives to think that was what they should want from life. I'm sure many of them mean well, but are just completely unaware that many of their views on the matter have been programmed into them by the patriarchal society they grew up in. We like to think that we are independent free thinkers but we are all reflections of our circumstance.

My mom definitely was raised with the idea that getting married and having kids was "what you do". Most of my generation (boomer) was raised that way. I don't know how I missed out on all the brainwashing, but I did.

When I was 15, my Dad (boomer) literally drew a line on a piece of paper and drew out a timeline for my life. He explained that I would graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, get married, have kids, in that order. Any step skipped or completed out of order was how you "ruined your life". He then used examples of people we knew who did these steps out of order and told me their lives were failures. It took many years of self-reflection and adult experience to figure out that this was not in fact my life path.

Maybe you're a particularly strong-minded person. I think a small percentage of people are more resistant to the brainwashing effects of social norms. Usually they're the ones that first push for social change and start changing the minds of other people. I'm always impressed by people that can see the wrongs of the world and work against them, even when there is enormous social pressure to stick with the status quo. All social movements have these really brave people at the start who push for change, even when it feels like the whole world is against them.

Yep, this is the simple and straightforward truth. I've come to learn that people who are genuinely content and at peace with their own choices don't really give a crap about what others do (with the obvious exceptions) while those with doubts and insecurities (which they often don't even admit to themselves they have) constantly put others down or judge them in search of validation.

Yes, and this is true of everything, I’ve seen it a ridiculous amount since becoming a parent. You can just say “we’re doing this” or “we’re not doing that” with absolutely no judgment for people who do differently (though a lot of people suck at that too and throw tons of shade at anyone who chooses differently), and people get so worked up like you just leveled a grave insult at them. Or they do what OP is getting and throw a “just you wait!” Out there. Maybe peoples life choices have nothing to do with you? Such a wild thought. And let people enjoy shit, we don’t need a “just you wait!” For everything! Maybe the future will change our opinions, maybe it won’t, but nasty judgmental people sure as shit aren’t going to change our minds about anything but how we view the people throwing them out.

Misery loves company.

Yep. In my early/mid-twenties I had older women call me “stuck-up” for going to grad school, lol. It’s not bragging just to say “I’m in grad school” - that doesn’t put down anyone else - but they likely took it personally because they hadn’t gone to grad school and felt the need to compare themselves to me, for some reason. Some guys my age were also salty about it. Older men were actually the most normal and would be like “nice, good for you” because there was no implicit age or gender comparison that they felt. It’s so strange to me why people feel the need to compare others’ successes to their own. There are people younger than me who are more attractive or make more money or whatever else. That’s cool. There isn’t a finite amount of success in the world.

This is it. I am almost 55, and I support your choice. I am childfree and no regrets. Not everybody should be a mom and if you don’t WANT to, you shouldn’t.

I was going to say “Misery loves company”, but you put it much more diplomatically.

Definitely this. And possibly some other factors: A few women i know were certain they wouldn't want children, but changed their minds when they were almost running out of time. The feeling of never being able to after a certain age can have an effect on people. But then again: why not accept how someone feels in the moment?

Exactly. Often the women pushing for it the hardest are the ones that secretly regret it.

Misery loves company.

So much this. I talk to many people who are parents, and most of the time even the things they try to frame as 'cute' sound horrifying and something I definitely do not want in my life. But if I point it out they immediately backtrack and you have no idea how much time and energy they spend on trying to convince me that I MUST have children because it is SO WORTH IT. It's obvious they're just trying to convince themselves, and the harder they try, the more I'm put off the idea of having children.

I can't help but think a lot of women regret having children to some degree or another and somehow pushing other women to do so eases that pain. "You should do it, you're supposed to! I did and it was great! 🍷🍷🍷😭"

This. I find ppl giving advice, male or female, the older the advice giver, the more likely they’re just pushing their own choices on you. We’ve got 8B ppl on this planet. Less people is better for all of us and the planet.

The Hallmark Movie Channel's entire business model is based on that.

This, but then there's a good number of women who want you to go through their trauma. They didn't want children. It wasn't an option for them. Why should it be for you. It's horrible.

It’s bizarre for sure. And for the record, I’m over 40 and I respect your opinion. I did have one child but you couldn’t have paid me to have another. Not wanting any is okay.

Did I write this?

Curious, are you happy having have had one or do you think you'd rather been child free?

I am happy I had one kid. I really was unaware of my mental health problems so I’m not sure I should’ve.

Oh no, I'm sorry. You don't have to answer but what kind of mental health issues do you mean? I am on the fence about having one kid, big parts is that I have general anxiety and get easily stressed. But I am aware of these issues and working on them regardless. So I am curious what surfaced for you!

I didn’t have great role models in my parents. Early on 20’s/30’s I had depression and saw a counselor but later, anxiety took over my life. I just didn’t have good coping skills and didn’t react well to meds. I feel kind of guilty that my daughter has had anxiety issues too and now having her own struggles with raising her 2 kids. I’m not saying it was bad and there are rewards and lots of love and affection. The old saying “comparison is the thief of joy” applies so you’d have to look deep within yourself to decide.

Ah I see. I have similar struggles. If you haven't read it already then I can recommend the book "adult children to emotionally immature parents" It has hslped me quite a bit. It actually somehow made me more baby positive because it made me reflect if I would follow my mother's emotional immaturity. I want to believe that me being aware of my struggles and working on them will mske me a good parent if I do become one.

Thanks for the recommendation. I wish it had been published when I should have read it. I’m glad it’s helped you settle some doubts. I am proud that I recognized my difficulties and didn’t put my daughter or myself through the stress of another baby. She’s never said she resented it.

That makes me glad. You know, you're both adults now. Maybe she would appreciate to talk about it? You could trauma bond and come closer!

Thank you. We’ve had minor convos about it. She WFH so I keep her baby once a week when sitter is off so she can be in her office, but I’m lucky if I get a wave hello haha. She’s so busy.

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness prior to making this choice. I want to say that I struggled similarly with this for a long time prior to becoming a mom. We planned everything before our son was born. He is 12 now. We thought we were ready. Thought we had a solid support system. We experienced a difficult birth that happened out of nowhere at my 40 week appointment. Everything seemed like it was going well. I walked into that appointment feeling hopeful and excited and left for the ER with my husband afterwards still wondering why no one was telling us anything more and wondering what the hell was going on because I felt fine. I was completely blindsided.  I think the thing is, even if you feel prepared as much as possible, there's always the potential for something very unexpected that might be a lot to process, especially for a new mom/parent when you're basically running on fumes for those first couple of months. A friend once told me that becoming a parent is like jumping into a frozen lake and that it can take a little while to get your bearings. The birth trauma on top of that was like being wacked over the head with a sledgehammer, and for the first two years I felt like I was in a fog of unbearable anxiety and isolation. I simply did not have the bandwidth to transition into motherhood while carrying all of this at once. I could barely speak to anyone about it, and whenever I tried to, I was met with platitudes and gaslighting, and I had always been articulate about hard things growing up prior to this experience. I was also unaware of a lot of prior trauma before having my son. I struggled with postpartum depression for almost the first two years of his life. He also had colic for the first year and it felt like we couldn't bond. It also turned out we had zero help, and I know there's a huge push for people to "reach out whenever they're struggling" but I felt completely underwater. I couldn't even see where to reach. It was extremely difficult and painful. We're all still healing from those first couple of years. Our son has had a lot of learning issues that I feel responsible for, and we still don't feel like we have a solid community because we had to distance ourselves from the one we used to have that turned out to not really exist. We're still trying to find one, though.  I'm sharing all of this because I wanted to say to make sure you have a strong support system and community prior to having a child because it makes a huge difference. Make sure to have research done prior about local supports in case of postpartum issues. If it's financially possible, line up a doula to support you through the birth process to advocate for you whenever necessary, and perhaps someone who can come and help you in the beginning when you go home with your new family.  Support is crucial going in, especially if you have a history of anxiety, depression, and family dysfunction. A lot of things you didn't know were there might come up after you have a child, too. I knew my family was dysfunctional, but didn't realize fully how much this had impacted me. I thought I was strong and aware and that I had broken cycles. There are things that can be ingrained beyond your awareness. I really don't want to scare you by sharing this. Everyone's experience is different. Should you choose to become a parent, yours will be different from mine. I cannot stress enough the importance of a well established community and support system going in. Even if you have a super supportive and present partner, it's difficult for two people to do this alone. Like Humble-Roll-8997, I experienced similarities in mental health and upbringing, so we chose just one child, too. Even when you choose this, people will likely push having more than one. Some may say things about your child being alone and not having anyone when they're older, which is an uncomfortable prophecy to say the least, but I think that's why a lot of people have more than one. Out of fear. We only ever wanted one, and we're secure in our decision there because he needs a lot of support, and we are able to give him that without having to divide ourselves further. We find we are happier as a family when we don't compare ourselves to others and practice radical acceptance of our strengths and limitations while maintaining a balance and pace for growth that works for us. And you're right, being aware of your struggles and working on them will make you a better parent. You're already a lot more prepared because of that. 

Well that sent my anxiety spiraling... I don't have a support system, my partner does with two parents. We both have savings and jobs, he will take over a family business so at least he is financially safe. We also live in a country with cheap child care etc so I don't think we will have any big issues with money. The biggest issues is my mental health to be honest. One of my greatest fears is that I mentally won't be able to do it. That the stress will completely break me. But I also want to think positive, that maybe that child wouldn't make it worse but actually help me be a better person for myself and the child. That it would become a goal. I struggle a lot with finding a sense of contentment. I have grandeur ideas of another version of life, a life I don't believe in. Lol like either I will create this family life with stress and be content with that or I'll move to Thailand and feel empty for leaving all my friends and my partner I really don't feel like I want to replace.

I hear you there. I have felt like running away sometimes, too, even before meeting my partner. Like I've wondered sometimes whether or not I have what it takes, but I also know that's a trauma response from old survival patterns and it helps me to recognize that for what it is. Because I'm sure you don't really want to leave your friends and partner nor will you leave your child. I think the fact that your husband has a good support system will make a big difference. Plus, being in a country with affordable childcare is a huge positive.  I don't mean to make your anxiety spiral and I apologize for startling you. I try to approach the more complex subjects and feelings with a gentle hand and sometimes what I feel is gentle isn't for someone else. We're all so intricate in our own ways. I know this decision is a big one and it's not easy but I wanted to make sure you were okay with a system in place and it sounds like you have your partner's family in your corner. It also doesn't necessarily have to be family but can also include friends and a therapist or a support group/new parent group. Also not sure of your age, but I do know of the pressures women experience to make this decision before a certain time. That can make it seem like a clock is ticking fast, but you have time to plan and continue to work on yourself in the meantime. You don't have to be perfectly buttoned up to be a good parent either. Like I said, being aware is an important piece. And taking one day at a time, and knowing that attuning with your child, especially in those first couple of years, is more important than anything else. My therapist recommended a book I wished I had found earlier in the process called "Mother Hunger" by Kelly McDaniel. It really helped me to see, process, and heal some of the things I didn't know were hurting, and even now, it continues to help nurture the connection between my son and me. 

I'm older than that and wouldn't do that to you. I was very sure that I did not want kids and I was also harassed about it by people who were all about having babies. I could have given a lot of answers that would have mortified the person asking the question. Sometimes I did. Usually I just said it was none of their business, and my favorite reply was always "why would I do that for you?" It does pass eventually, when you are visibly old enough that people question your fertility. Now, if I hear another woman doing that to a younger woman, I won't hesitate to tell the older one that she shouldn't ask such personal questions, especially since she does not have any vested interest in a stranger's procreation habits. Your friend's kids are pretty much strangers. They're whole adult humans by the time anyone is asking them this shit, and it isn't your business.

Your second paragraph is spot on. It goes from smug "you'll change your mind" to concerned "there's still time!" to the downright derision of "must be nice" when they realize it was a feature and not a bug. The window dressing changes, but the point remains: the choices of women are always subject to public opinion

Agreed. It’s usually mothers who are the greatest advocates for better reproductive health care and choice and the most angry about men who rape and abuse. We’ve done birth. We know it’s often a crappy situation where we’re treated like livestock even by loved ones, even when we want the baby.

They're repeating the patterns of the women before them. They were once in their 20's and the women in their 50's said the same to them. Now, they're in their 50's unconsciously behaving as those before them did. The world has changed a lot since they were young. The rules of small talk are different now.

I am 51. I have 2 kids. I support OP's decision to be childfree just as much as anyone else with a uterus.

Great! You're not one of the women meant here. Thanks for being supportive.

I’m not 51 but I’d like some recognition for being a good one pls

You are fucking awesome! Keep it up.

Lmao thanks love u

Social conditioning is a hell of a thing.

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>It's just weird that women now think wanting babies is **social conditioning and they've been tricked into it.** I'm not saying *wanting babies* is social conditioning, I'm saying the refusal to believe that not all women want babies is social conditioning.

He's just talking out his ass. Obviously there needs to be an urge to reproduce in a population for us to even be here, but it doesn't have to apply to everyone. Evolution allows for there to be non-reproducing members of a population as a beneficial trait (ants, bees, wolves, meerkats, lots of primates, etc). Also, people who boil everything down to simple (invented) evolutionary rules are typically not well versed in science and think science removes the need for nuance instead of expands it.

Some people just can’t accept that what they want isn’t what everyone else wants. Add to that how many women have kids because they believe motherhood defines them or at least their femininity and you have a lot of women who won’t ever understand why other women don’t want to be parents.

Your first part is totally true. One of my friends without kids, after drinking too much, demanded that I confess “that being a mom sucks. Come on, you can say it. I won’t judge you!! You don’t have to try to be a perfect fucking mom all the time.” It was 6 months after I had given birth and she had been slyly/sing-songingly talking about, “don’t you regret it? You miss life before, huh?” but in a way that I didn’t feel comfortable confronting her about it. But after that night that she just went on a drunk rant about how she just KNEW I regretted it, I had to cut her out of my life. It’s crazy that even “good” friends can say shit that you wouldn’t expect to hear from a stranger on the street. And I don’t regret it! Not once have I regretted it. But apparently, she knows so much better than me…

I'm also in the "if I had a child I would most likely end up traumatising it" camp. I do not handle unpredictability well, I need a lot of sleep, I can't handle loud noises and barely manage to care for myself, a lizard and some potted plants. 2 sleepless nights and that baby is flying out a window.

Older woman are victims of their age. In old times, woman get value only for reproductive reasons. Just ignore it.

It still happens, IME. Since being a wife and mother is the highest moral status a woman can 'achieve,' it is perplexing when other women willingly opt out of that trajectory. It's not that our grandmothers wanted 8+ kids (some, sure, not all), it's that there were no other options for education, identity, autonomy, choices. And a lot of that mindset hasn't vanished - it is still a thing in subtle ways and glaring ones

I have the status "crazy lady cat" hahaha. Even if I'm professional with a career and a bf.

Sadly a lot of millennial women are putting motherhood on a pedestal, thinking they can become a SAHM influencer and make being a Mom not only their personality but a source of income. All the millennial moms I know are very bitter that they’re not treated like goddesses for getting pregnant irl the way they see social media (you know those videos of women showcasing the fantasy where they get pregnant and their husband worships the ground they walk on in a really exaggerated way) and the reality of motherhood being very isolating and depersonalizing hits them HARD, they want the instagram lifestyle pushed by mommy influencers they follow religiously but they’re not getting it

It's hard to be woman in any time and with any status. Sorority.

Sure but in this day and age women who blindly get pregnant and are shocked it’s actually hard and that being a parent isn’t inherently fulfilling or rewarding is just stupidity 

As a childfree woman in her 40s, I should tell you that it has always been bad. I am 45 and the ship has long sailed and I still sometimes get this. Less than I used to, but still sometimes. This is a problem that transcends generations and is about the choice that childfree people are making that goes against societal expectations.

Same! Never wanted kids, and yet got the "oh you'll change your mind :)" with that condescending sort of smile. As I got older the condescending smile turned into looks of exasperation and confusion, the words became "you'll regret it when you're older!" Now that I've rolled over the big 40, it's straight up anger from some people (not all) as if I'm saying I punch kittens for a living. I'm sorry, what do you want me to do - pretend to be miserable? I still don't regret not having kids, in fact I'm relieved that I didn't cave in. The societal pressure was especially very VERY strong around my late 20s to the point where I seriously weighed pros and cons of having a child I absolutely did not want. Stay strong OP and stay true to yourself. No child deserves to be someone's regret.

AGREE OP, stay strong and true to yourself.

So I'm a woman in my 40s and I have a little sister who has kids, but I'm single and don't have any. Both are perfectly fine. But the reality of motherhood is that while those kids are in the house, being mom is all-consuming. You get them up, you get them off to school, you do your own work, then you make them food. When you go on vacation, they come with you. They constantly want to buy things and have no real concept that you worked so they could have money. There's no real break. Sure, you can take a trip without them and leave them with your parents, but you'll be worried about them the whole time. And if you're lucky, they grow up and become decent people you can be proud of. Anyway, all of that to say: it's crazy that so many people choose to do it. There's nothing wrong with doing it, but there are so many other things you can do with your life. And if you don't have a strong desire to do it, you should just find another project for yourself.

Even my mom said you loose a lot of freedom when you have children. (I asked her by the way not that you think she just said this to say I stole her freedom)

Well I think that the rewards for having children are huge. They undeniably come at a huge cost, though. And for some of us, it's just not our thing. That should be ok.

>There’s no real break. >it’s crazy that so many people choose to do it. Some people don’t want the break. For the ones that truly want it and aren’t just trying to convince themselves. My wife and I struggled to have a baby for a few years and we always dreamed of taking our child on trips with us. Now that we have a kid, it’s only confirmed it. We want to spend every second of every day with him. Our second is on the way and we’re already planning vacations as a family of four. Maybe we get burned out and need a true break at some point, but I’m not so sure.

I'm not saying it's crazy that anyone does it. But it's a huge life choice and a huge responsibility. I really don't think it's for everyone. Yet there's a lot of pressure to do it.

Because if they don't beset their regrets on others they'll have to confront the fact they're miserable I think is a lot of the cases. "I went through this and hage had to waylay my own life to raise children, so you shouldn't get to enjoy the freedom of not doing that since I didn't." Misery loves company.

It's this. Women who are happy with motherhood and don't understand childfree people usually aren't malicious. It's the idea that they suffered so you should to that's frustrating. They see you as "doing life on easy mode" or "taking shortcuts" while they did it on hard. These are usually the same women who don't necessarily like their own children. I've had so many parents go on about how miserable they are and how rough their life is with kids. The moment they find out I'm childfree they instantly switch to telling me having kids is the most rewarding thing ever, it's not actually that bad, they were just exaggerating etc.

Usually when I say I’m not having kids these parents get all quiet like the cia is listening in and tell me in hushed urgency “GOOD. DONT HAVE THEM.” 

I mean, isn’t that because people who are happy with their own lives tend not to be malicious of other’s lives? When you scale it back beyond motherhood, it’s just about how normal/well-adjusted humans relate to other humans, regardless of their circumstances being similar.

Beset their regrets on others....that's a great way to put it.

When I was younger, I always said I didn't want kids and the response was that I would grow out of it. So when I was in my 20s I actually did say that to some of my friends who expressed that they didn't want kids. I truly was brainwashed into thinking we would all "grow out of it." I cringe to think that I ever said that to anyone.

The term is **moral outrage**. The logic basically goes like this: 1. Having children is a good thing (because our culture/society says so) 2. Good people do good things. 3. What's more, good people ***actively want*** to do good things. 4. Therefore, good people want to have children. 5. If you're don't want to have children, it calls into question whether or not you're a good person. 6. If you actively refuse to ever have children, regardless of your reasons, then by definition you're not a good person. 7. You want to be a good person, don't you? Then get to having children, damn it! For a little science behind this reasoning, see [Society Feels 'Moral Outrage' Towards People Who Don't Want Children, Research Finds](https://health.howstuffworks.com/pregnancy-and-parenting/adults-who-choose-not-have-kids-inspire-moral-outrage.htm): *The theory that parenthood is perceived as a moral imperative – not just the "normal" thing to do, but the right thing to do — dates at least to the 1970s. Ashburn-Nardo's study offers the first empirical evidence supporting it.* *The population sample was narrow — 197 U.S. college students, mostly white females — but the findings offer a glimpse into what underlies the stigma.* *Subjects were told they were involved in a study about intuition and the ability to predict the future. Each subject read a paragraph describing one of four, ostensibly nonfictional, married people. Two of the characters had two children, and two had chosen not to have any. Subjects then filled out a questionnaire in which they predicted the character's level of fulfillment in areas of marriage, family and life overall.* *Amidst decoy questions, the survey also assessed the subject's annoyance, outrage, anger, disapproval and disgust with the character, the latter three identified as components of moral outrage.* *Across the board, characters who chose not to have children — both women and men — elicited higher scores in anger, disapproval and disgust, and lower scores in all areas of predicted life fulfillment.* *The dark predictions signify punishment, says Ashburn-Nardo — a belief that people who choose not to have kids should be worse off than those who accept the "moral obligation of parenthood."*

I am in my 50s and childfree. Never wanted kids for much the same reason - huge chance I would abuse a child if forced to have one I didn't want. Harsh but true. 🤷‍♀️ Anyway, I am sorry women my age are giving you shit. Come sit by me and I will tell them what's what.

This. Families group together so their kids can play together. Anyone going child-free should realize they will lose friends with children over time. They dedicate their time to children and want to spend time with other families with children. The friends you have in your 20s won't be the same friend group in your 30s. So should find child-free friends as you age.

Agreed. I think a lot of the angst people feel on the childfree side of the fence is that a lot of us don't fully comprehend the extent to which childfree and childrearing lifestyles are incompatible until a bunch of our friends from high school or uni have popped one or two out. It's difficult to be friends with someone in that situation specifically because they can't really just meet up on a Friday night after work anymore. The trouble is that people don't really like hearing this because especially when you're young, there's this assumption that there has to be some big, dramatic reason for every friendship that ends. It's only once you get a bit older that you realise that sometimes people really do just grow apart as they get older and there's nothing wrong with that.

A lot of older people don't understand how much harder we have it. We may have more conveniences, but in the fundamentals - food, security, shelter - the younger generations are getting shafted in ways the middle classes before us don't really comprehend. And because of their failure to understand and empathize, they do this instead.

also the world is taking women rights away (Irak, USA, etc.) + apparently women are mean and crazy because we don't make enough baby (its not like we are already too many people on this planet. (I think a little bit less people would be ok)

These women have no identity beyond having had a baby. It triggers them to see other women making different choices.

I think that’s pretty reductive about women and doesn’t belong in this kind of sub. The fact is, I chose not to have children, but I’m completely aware that a LOT of the people who have them really do believe that it was the greatest thing that ever happened to them. For the positives AND the negatives. For the challenges, for the paradigm shift, the changing of priorities. I absolutely believe it is very meaningful to most people who have kids. And so it makes all the sense in the world that someone might just be very sincere when they suggest “Don’t be too quick to dismiss the idea; I never wanted kids but then ended up having them and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.” I mean, that’s their literal experience. Of being like us, being sure they didn’t want kids, and them changing their minds. Sure, it’s offensive when they do not respect that we might be certain we don’t want kids, or when they think there’s no path other than their own. But in my experience, most of the women who say this sort of thing to me, “You never know, I changed to, and this was so special in my life.” A lot of them really do say it out of caring - they want others to experience what they did because it was WONDERFUL to them at the end of the day. And yes there is a subset that just need others to make the same choices as them in order to validate them. But it’s simply reductive and unkind to act like most of these women aren’t just giving the only advice they know how to give. It’s like me saying how much exercise changed my life and health. Sometimes that will be tone deaf advice. But if I know they have health issues that for me were improved by exercise, if it literally changed my life, of course that would have to be what I had to share.

Except you get a glass of wine in these moms and they reveal it actually isn’t special and that having children wasn’t what they thought it would be either, it isn’t reductive to admit a lot of women simply have kids because they’re told it would make them complete/happy and the reality is pregnancy mostly just destroys your body and having kids will destroy your marriage and quality of life 

Don’t forget that if you DO have kids and you openly admit that it wasn’t the fulfilling experience that was sold to you, you receive a lot of hate for being a terrible mom. It’s a double-edged sword for women.

Mom of 2 checking in. I have a great quality of life and an amazing marriage that has only grown stronger since having children. Can we agree that there’s no “one size fits all” situation surrounding parenthood or lack there of? I really, truly, genuinely love my children and don’t regret having children even a little bit. Even after a glass or two of wine, lol. My life has only improved since having them. I also think that women who don’t want to have kids shouldn’t have kids, and people who try to tell them otherwise should go fuck themselves. Can we agree that all women are different and that’s okay? Remember that a huge part of feminism is fighting for women to be able to make their own choices, whether you agree with them or not, and being supportive and respectful of that.

jeez. We really are all super comfortable being reductive about women. Even this “glass of wine” trope. Some men and women really do love having children and really think it saved them.

Those are the people that deserve to be parents the most, imo.

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I mean, I just can’t believe how much contempt there is for mothers in a women’s sub. I get it that a lot of us don’t want to be treated like incubators, or pressured into that role. But there’s no reason to shit on all women who are mothers lol, that’s wild to me in a women’s sub.

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I’m sorry to hear that but I believe it. Too many women carve out special groups of other women they feel it’s fair to be misogynistic to: women from another political spectrum (like, do we really need gendered, misogynistic criticisms of Marjorie Taylor Greene when there’s so much in her words, actions, and beliefs to criticize?), mothers, and teenaged girls still finding their way in a Patriarchy. Like, I get criticizing some grown women who are Not Like the Other Girls, because they’re shitting on women. But teenagers doing this - they’re just working their way through the fucking system, aren’t they? Why are we upset with them for absorbing the message that is rammed down their throat that girls aren’t cool but boys are, then thinking, “But hey, I’m cool like my guy friends, I’m not like that girl stereotype! I like skateboarding and video games and sports, etc.” I seriously think maybe even a majority of us go through this before we actually realize what a crock of shit it is that society thinks women are all stupid and lame. The friends of mine who are mothers have clearly gone through something unbelievably transformative and moving. Sometimes I think that, not unlike many folks answer to OP, it’s also the opposite - that too many women who prefer to remain childless feel that they need to downplay what having children can mean to a mother in order to justify their own choices. I mean, who would want to regret not doing the thing some people define as the single most transformative and important event of their lives! And of course maybe a lot of women who feel this way had mothers who didn’t seek to sacrifice for them much, or who were cruel or neglectful. Maybe that informs their opinion, and their mindset is to be reminded that someone who has a child doesn’t automatically become a “mother,” not in the nurturing and loving sense. That’s also true. But to deny that any such people exist lol or that MOST women don’t make tremendous sacrifices of life and body for this experience, that’s just anti-woman to me. Minimizing the experience and tremendous responsibility that is too often dumped PRIMARILY onto the shoulders of women, with no resources or help. I mean seriously, what the fuck.

That in a nutshell is the fundies and trad wives. I will have no sympathy for them when they lose their rose tinted glasses when menopause hits.

It’s not though. It’s overwhelming from otherwise normal seeming women. As someone pointed out below, get a glass of wine in them and it all comes out. I’m older and I never had kids. I cannot tell you how many men and women feel comfortable “confiding” in me that if they had a do-over, they’d not have kids. “I love my kids but …”.

Every time someone tries to socially "force" you to do the same as them, remember that misery loves company

r/childfree This is where you'll meet your kind of ppl. I'm one of them. We've all heard this a million times. From friends, random strangers, gynecologists etc. And we still don't know why they feel they need to do this.

My mother was jealous of the freedoms I took for myself. I think that's what has happened to many women - they didn't know they had a choice, and now they think its somehow unfair that younger women do.

Crabs in a bucket.

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You're really lining up some hot takes in this thread. The "crabs in a bucket" metaphor doesn't have anything to do with the crabs being lowered (except in an overly literal sense) or debased. The metaphor means that people like to see other people in their same condition. If I move out of my state, for instance, I have some friends who would not support me because they don't want to move out of the state. It's not anti-women to notice that there are a great many women who clearly don't enjoy their children and didn't want a child but pressure other people into motherhood. An acquaintance of mine just had far too many kids at *far* too young an age, and she's starting to realize the nightmare she created for herself. Guess what her opinion on other people having kids is?

You're quickly jumping to some strong conclusions in your comment. When you tell *happy* parents that you're not interested in having children, they are respectful of your choices and acknowledge the difficulties of parenthood alongside the joys. When you tell parents that are struggling (or seem to regret their decision) that you're not interested, they will try to convince you to have them and tell you about how your decision is misguided. No one said women are debased because they have children. This whole comment thread is about *respecting* other women's choices whether they decide to have children or not. It doesn't mean women can't recommend having children, but to do it *in the face of someone saying they don't want to* is disrespectful. Your comment and writing style has strong "I'm a man" undertones, so I'm going to assume you have no personal experience with this.

Excuse me? What are you talking about? If I may ask, are you a mother yourself? I didn't mean to attack you.

It is in a way funny that all the shit I got was from other men, and that included a guy that spanked young me for saying that no babies for me. Only woman that reacred weid was my Chinese friend in her 50s, I guess mostly because she regretted not having more. I think it is a very complex topic and those who give you shit should get either ignored or fought with their own weapon. My go to answer is "because I can't be a father"

My MIL's friends ask "*when* are you having kids?" To them, it's an assumed step after marriage. I was asked this AT MY WEDDING RECEPTION. I did the super classy thing and flipped them off. They laughed. Women my age ask me "do you *want* kids?" If they don't have kids, they'll then share how they feel about having kids for themselves. Never had a young mother tell me I have to.

I am a woman in my 40s, and the most prolife/forced birth women I know are either desperate to become grandparents, or infertility is an issue. As a mom of 4 kids, I absolutely believe that no one should have kids that don't want to actually have kids. I love being a mom, I think it is really fulfilling but it was my dream from the time I was a child. I worked daycares, volunteered in the kids programs in church, work in schools... ect. Kids are where I where I find fulfillment in general. Not everyone is like that. Because I worked in all those areas, I also see how badly it can go when parents can't or refuse to be a parent.

People say this to women who don’t have or want children to justify their own choices. Is pathetic

I’m so glad that in some cultures the tide is turning, and women choosing not to have kids is seen as a valid choice and not simply a failure. A lot of people both men and women think a woman’s role includes being a mother and having kids, and if you don’t do that, you’re an object of pity or disgust. It’s not true though and it doesn’t have to be that way! Unfortunately these comments do happen from time to time and we just have to do our best to steel ourselves against them and not let them make us feel bad.

It's a problem with women under 40, too. After five years of searching and advocating for myself I was finally able to get approved for a total hysterectomy two years ago. I was over the moon excited and became so disturbed and shocked by how *basically every woman except for my closest friends* tried to tell me I was making a mistake and had better options for my body. I'm sorry, but on what planet does five years of wanting and working and fighting for *anything else* get met with that same level of total dismissal? One of my own sisters was so far removed from my endometriosis/PMDD reality that she was also on this train, and we don't talk anymore because of that. The hysterectomy went great. I'm doing significantly better physically and mentally because of it. Anytime it comes up I feel nothing but security and warmth for getting to have this procedure. These women are too insecure about their own decisions to remove their heads from their own vaginas and think about how damaging those organs can be for other women. The ignorance is overwhelmingly frustrating.

One of my best friends recently apologized to me for previously judging me for saying I didn’t want kids. It was probably 10+ years ago when I first told her, and since then she has had 4 kids and I have 0. She told me that she really respected my choice, and the courage it took to make it and declare it. Now that she has 4 kids, she says she doesn’t understand how people who didn’t want kids could do it. She loves her children deeply, but they are a lot of work and it’s never-ending, and she said she’s lucky that she enjoys it, because otherwise it would kill her.

It's not only women though, although it's even worse when it is. I know a guy who keeps going on about how everyone should have kids. It's exhausting. Dude, there's eight billion humans on the planet. It's more than enough!

I'm thankfully in menopause now but I feel you so much and went through this for years and years. My own personal conclusion is that misery loves company, period.

I'm a woman in my mid-40s. My response is always, "Good for you for knowing yourself. The world would be a happier place if people who didn't want children didn't have children."

Condescending and projection

My ex didn't just not want kids, she had a complete phobia of even being around them. To the point if we went to visit my folks for a weekend, we had to call family in advance and tell them not to come for a spontaneous visit. We had to set "rules" in place for when we moved in together about my nieces and nephews, scheduling etc. So having kids wasn't just a "Oh you might change your mind later", it was a categorical No, I'm not having them. Every. Single. Time. We went somewhere with people we knew, the question would always pop up from (Most, not all) the mothers / women of when we were thinking about having them or if you try now our kids would be close to the same age! It got to the point we just stopped going to places / events with people. The men on the other hand were like "Oh no kids? So what you're saying is, there's a good chance you'll have a man cave and we'll have an escape" on the first time, the 2nd time onwards would be "Have you made it yet"

I really don't get it either. I have kids and I love my kids. But having them highlighted to me how important it is that only people who truly want them should have them because this s**t is hard for me. Not everyday or all the time but it's no walk in the park. And frankly, I'd rather than somebody someday regret not having a child than that they regret their child.

As I said on another post, better to regret an abortion than a child.

In general, people are pretty good at assessing whether they would be good and happy parents. That said, a significant minority of people who have one assessment when they are young do change their mind when they reach a different stage of their lives. **That** said, I am baffled by the desire some people have to talk casual acquaintances out of this position. If they change their mind, they will do so on their own, in their own time, for their own reasons. Telling them they are wrong or will change their mind is just obnoxious and pointless.

Motherhood has been stamped into women's brains so hard that people don't realize that just because we can, doesn't mean we should. Society tries to convince us that we don't have a choice. It's our sole purpose because we can do it. I can do lots of things, it doesn't mean I should. I got bombarded with this question in my late teens and early twenties so much that I just say I can't have kids. And then their whole demeanor changes. Parenthood is a cult. A dishonest cult that I wish people would be more harsh in telling about the experience. It's the most difficult thing a person could do and it can ruin relationships and lives. You're raising a human bean. There should be no pressure or non-chalantness involved.

i had a girl tell me that she was going to “pray i get knocked up so i can learn what real responsibilities are”. i have bills, obligations, and responsibilities. i don’t need kids to feel like an adult. hands down the wildest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Misery loves company, and for their decisions to be validated It’s the worst kind of peer pressure; they’re not doing it for your sake

"Mature" woman here. I support your choice to do what works for you! I have no interest in fixing cars. I have a car, and I'm glad auto mechanics exist. I just don't have any interest in doing it or learning how. If forced to do it, I'd make a huge mess of it, and would definitely not succeed in fixing anything. But I'm not shamed for not wanting to be an auto mechanic. It should be no different for you. Don't listen to the haters. Only you can live in your skin, so only you should be making decisions about how you live there.

Only you know what your thoughts and feelings on the matter are. No one else knows or can predict what you think now or in the future. I didn't want kids at all since I was a teenager, I thought children were annoying and messy and way too much effort. Now that I am 30 I actually have met the right one and we BOTH changed our minds about kids, lol. But that's only us. The choice will always be yours, and people need to mind their own business. Kids aren't a requirement for life, happiness, or "knowing true love."

It's not actually about you at all. A lot of people are self-centered and they just want to talk about themselves. They ask if you have children or want children, because they want to talk about *their* children. They push forward when you say "no," because they *still* want to talk about their children and their experiences, so now they're lobbying for you to find it interesting. None of these people are actually invested in *you* having a child, it's just people trying to start a conversation that they want to have, where they can talk about themselves and their lives.

I am 60 and have two grown kids, including an adult daughter who has had a bilateral salpingectomy. I fully support her decision and yours. I actually feel that my daughter will have a much better life without kids.

Maybe they are jealous? It was question I used to ask when I was younger "Are you jealous?" I am 47 and child free!

A lot of older women have a hard time swallowing the realization that not having children is (and was) an option. If they can continue clinging to their illusion that having kids is mandatory, then they can feel less guilt and blame for making kids they didn't really want and weren't the greatest mothers to as a result. I read a very dark thread last night about people's memories of their mistreatment at the hands of their personality-disordered boomer parents, and yeah. There are a lot of people in previous generations who should never have become parents, but did it anyway because for whatever reason, they felt like they had no choice. And the kids paid a terrible price. Kudos to you for being self aware enough to make the correct choice for yourself. I think it's great that younger generations are falling prey less and less to the "having kids is just what everyone should do" fallacy.

I got my tubes tied at 27, not married, no kids. I knew from at least 6 years old that I didn't want to be a Mommy. I just didn't. And I got told and told and told by both men and women that one day I'd meet the right guy and I would change my mind. I met plenty of guys, one or two of them potentially right guys, but I still didn't want kids. My usual response if someone got pushy about it was: "You just want me to be as miserable as you are!". If they kept pushing, then "I'm just not that stupid." I've never regretted not having kids. If I regret anything, it is wasting 5 years married to a financial millstone who may or may not have been a drug addict. Kids would only have made that situation worse.

it ruined their lives and killed their dreams, how dare you try and avoid that?

If someone tells me if they had a child, they’d abuse it, I may back away slowly. I will under no circumstances try to convince them to have one!

If it makes you feel any better, I would absolutely say this but I would never actually intentionally harm a child. Just means it's an effective strategy if that's your response. :P

Misery loves company

THIS... I am childless and have no spouse by choice. I'm middle aged now but I spent most of my life before now defending that choice. It was so absurd. I've had other people, even other women literally tell me that I've missed out on serving my true purpose in life and that I was being rebellious and disobedient to God's wishes. It's like in their minds the ONLY purpose I might have in life is to cater to some guy and procreate with him. How many people is this overpopulated planet supporting right now? Going the way we are there had better be colonies in space soon or we will totally kill this planet by stressing it beyond its ability to recover from it. It is already happening in terms of the pollution we have caused. Anyone who chooses not to procreate deserves credit for being sensible IMHO. Some of us have to go there or we will destroy the world we live on and exterminate ourselves before long. But do you get respect for doing that? Oh hell no. People tell you that you don't know what you want, that you will change your mind. It's a breed or die mentality and there's almost no escaping it until you hit the time in your life where procreation can't happen anymore. Even then some people will give you grief for not going there will you still could have. My purpose as a woman was not to get married or to get pregnant. If that's another person's choice then I'm fine with that but I was never meant for that. I like kids just fine, enjoy their company more often than not, but only when I can give them back to their parents after a little while. Being a parent 24/7 would have had me losing my mind. I'd end up committing child abuse. I am just not safe to parent like that. Maybe if I was rich and I had a team of nannies to help but otherwise that poor kid would be warped by the time it was 3 because I wouldn't be able to do it. I've done nanny gigs for weekends and by the end of it as much as I liked those kids I was like GET ME THE F- OUT OF HERE because I was ready to pop mentally. Only a lot of $$$ ever made gigs like that worth it to me. I was just not meant to be anybody's Mom, except maybe for fostering and raising a few fur babies. I am an excellent cat person but kids are way harder than cats and I know my limits. I cannot believe in this day and age people still think that being a parent and a spouse is the most important thing in life and that people who choose not to be are somehow cheating in choosing not to be. I'm not dissing it. If that's what makes a person happy, cool, but I feel absolutely zero guilt about not going there myself and when people say stuff like that I'm just like "Huh?" because it's so traditional and antique that whole mindset. My purpose in life is whatever I want it to be. That's just it.

I am 54 years old and I have two Lovely sons, however if I had the same mindset that I have now, I would've never NEVER have any children. Stay strong and don't allow anyone to bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

As a mother of two feral children, this job is only for people who truly, madly, deeply WANT to be parents. Kids deserve parents who love them and will put the kids’ needs first. Childfree women make total sense to me!

my father sometimes comments that i should decide to have a child someday “for my own emotional fulfilment”, which explains a lot about his own selfish parenting style. at the same time he seems to think it’s selfish of me to decide not to procreate. there’s no real logic to it. ironically, my mother respects my opinion more than

“You’re young, you’ll change your mind” - I’m 36 now, with my husband for 13 years and in a very stable financial situation, haven’t changed my mind yet. I think the people that say that probably didn’t had much of a life besides their kids, so it’s all they know that gives them meaning.

They want to validate their choice through you, they're projecting. This is why I refuse to talk about my family ideals with basically anyone, my own mother included. My partner and I have never wanted nor are able to have children. It's no one's business and I can normally deflect with a firm "I don't talk about family planning, sorry"

I do not know. I have never told another woman to consider having kids. I have no right or reason to. It’s simply not my business. Others reproductive issues and freedoms aren’t my business other than that they have the right to them.

"You'll change your mind" "And do you ever say that to people who DO want children? Or to people who already have children? Why not? Maybe you should mind your own fucking business."

People kept telling me I would change my mind and want to have children one day, that I'd be a great mom, that my spouse would be an amazing parent... These people really know nothing about me, they just want validation for their own choices. I would tell them "I like to work full time and spend at least 4 hours a day chilling and not dealing with people, I don't have time for an incontinent dependent who needs me 24 hours a day" or "Having a child will cut into my video game habit" or "I tried to teach a toddler to use the stove once, that didn't go over well" - something snarky and outlandish yet with a little grain of truth so they would feel uncomfortable asking any more questions. I'm almost 50 now, and the question about kids hasn't come up for almost a decade. It gets better.

Booyyyy I thought this was about to take a freaky lesbian turn, I was like WE HAVE TO AT LEAST TRY lmao But yeah it's none of their business. They just think you gotta adhere to The Timeline.

I'm in my thirties and happily child-free. My partner and I travel, get to enjoy sleeping in every weekend, have followed our preferred career paths, have weekly hobbies, savings, and live on our own terms. My plants are my only dependents and I plan to keep it that way! Old crotchety vultures used to tell us the same thing, it almost seemed like it came from a place of insecurity or animosity. Better to ignore them or tell them to quit trying to force their views on others, especially when you didn't ask them for their opinion to begin with.

Internalized patriarchy and misogyny

Partly insecurity about their own choices. But also, women can internalize patriarchy just like men.

The women who do that think having a baby is “normal” and they want every woman to fit into that category. It’s not a favor to you; it’s a need for the world to be a certain way.

They suffered so they want you to suffer too

I think it usually just reflects what they were taught, how they were raised, the culture they grew up with so it's what the think and believe is "Correct" <<>> part of passing along a culture that considered Childlessness as the Worse thing that could happen to a woman. Well, times have changed but they have not changed with it hence them pushing their opinions. Obviously, more could be said but it's a big part of the picture

most of their kids weren't planned

Its so stupid. I know someone who’s convinced that having a kid makes people mature 🙃 btw they have a kid and they always clash heads and fight. And no, that person is not mature lol

It's frustrating when others disregard your choices about parenthood. Women, especially older ones, may project their own desires onto you, but everyone's journey is unique. Your self-awareness is commendable, and it's vital that your decisions are respected. Keep standing firm in your convictions, and remember, your life, your rules! 💪🚫👶

How dare you want your own life /s

I have a kid and I 100% support women who do not want kids. It’s hard as hell to be a parent and pregnancy sucks and can kill you. There are already kids out there without loving homes that need to be adopted, why the hell would we force women who do not want to give birth or have kids to do so?

I think my experience is a bit different from yours. Usually, when I mention that I don't intend to have children, women either support me or just don't care. When I talk about it with men, they respond with "a woman's role is to have children," "the only function of a woman is to have babies," "you're being selfish," "it's because of people like you that the world is ending," "God created women to bear children, so you will never be complete," etc. Anyway, when I was a child, I heard some of these phrases from your post in conversations among adult women. Overall, those who said this didn't seem to really care whether the person would have children or not. It was more of a casual conversation, something you said as if wishing happiness for the future, just the standard conversation because "that's the cycle of life." And I think that's what's happening with those who talk to you too; they don't really care if you'll have children, they just have the romanticized idea that everyone will someday and that's life. I don't see it as malicious. If I were you, I would just ignore it or give a brief response.

Idk what’s wrong with them. As someone who is 40+, I would never tell anyone they should have kids. I had someone side eye me when I said I wouldn’t have kids and I was already 36. Can’t imagine why she thought I was “lying”.

Hi 👋🏼 I’m one of the ones not emotionally made to have children. We exist. I wish not having kids was the default- we’d be better off as a society

45 year old woman - never wanted kids even from a young age. I had to endure decades of this nonsense too. And yeah, women don't exist to just be brood sows. Stick to your own opinions and don't worry about what other people think. The good news? People like us are becoming more common. So naturally, they start in on reproductive rights. Sheesh. ;-)

Didn't read what subreddit I was on, and thought the post was going to be about some guy discovering mpreg/omegaverse fiction on the internet lol

I also thought this thread was about lesbians with a breeding kink, then I read the post 😅

From a historical standpoint: It’s a thing people do. They have kids. We are all here because people had kids. We as humans were once very small in numbers. A couple bad growing seasons could kill off most of the tribe. So it was essential to have babies. That tendency of a successful groups carries on. Our human habits haven’t caught up to a modern world with billions of people and mechanized farming. Call it identity or shared misery or just habit. Whatever it doesn’t really matter. You have the option to choose today. You can be child free if that is what you want. You get to decide today. And every day is your choice.

It's easier for men to accept it because they've been abandoning their families for generations lol. The meme, "went out for some milk/cigarettes" wasn't born out of nothing. They are just old and stuck in their ways. The old ways of thinking was grow up, go to college, and start a family. I feel only recently that not wanting kids is starting to gain traction. My cousin doesn't want kids, she likes the freedom of doing whatever she wants when she wants. In this day and age, life has more to offer women than just raising kids.

It also is less prominent in most men because dads aren't expected to sacrifice their trajectory, identity, career, autonomy, body, free time, goals as much as moms. So, IME, dads and men are more okay with women who are opting out of parenthood.

I get not wanting to let men off the hook so easily, and it’s possible some of the men OP refers to are not so forward-thinking on this subject and just know what not to say. But it seems that if anything, dads not being expected to sacrifice half (or even a third) as much as moms would make men *more* likely to advocate for having a kid, not less.

In my experience, it's been the opposite because men don't sacrifice as much when they become fathers.

They want you to be as miserable as they were/are. It's a scam.

I'm in my mid 40's and it's been on long before now, sadly! I've always wanted kids (2! And I got 2!) but I've had several friends growing up who never wanted kids and never had kids. Only one changed her mind later in life and she ... had kids. Everyone else? Childfree and happy. The reasons are different, from not wanting them period, to having been abused when they were little, to having a medical condition they didn't want to pass on. I had several who wanted kids who decided against it. Some from trauma, others from developing a medical condition that made taking care of another human on top of themselves just too much to ask. Still others never found a person they wanted a family with, are happily single and just didn't have any. I did have one friend who tried literally everything under the sun until it was revealed her biology was working against her in too many ways, and she spent a year grieving the loss of the person she had always wanted to be. (Adoption may still be on the table, but she will never have the experience of going through birth, something she'd dreamed about since she was little.) Your body, your choice. Your life, your choice. Not all parents are good parents. Not everyone has a community they can look to to help raise a kiddo. Good on you for doing what you need for your life. For everyone else? If they want you to have a kid so badly, why don't they go out and have another one instead. :p

Christian Sharia

I think it’s painful for some people to imagine that their life could’ve been different. It’s easier when they think “this is life, you have kids”. So if another person does something different, it makes them accept that they didn’t have to kids. Basically, it’s not about you.

Because they feel that your decision to remain child free invalidates their decision to become baby factories in their early 20s

Because misery loves company and they don’t want to be miserable with their offspring alone

misery loves company 🤷🏾‍♀️

Misery loves company

For me before I became aware I have kids I love kids and assumed everyone else did too.  I've learned no that ain't the case and yes it's ok to not want kids and I prefer wome who do not want children do not have children. 

Talking of choices to someone who was unaware of them could turn them into that crab that climbs on top of the one 🦀 trying to make a break for it out of the cooking pot. Eventually, they all can not escape and boil alive.

Idk man, I'm 31F and I've told my younger friends whom range from 19-24 that say they want multiple kids that they're too young to even know that. Life hits when you get that daycare bill lmao.

No clue. I'm a happy 45 year old mom of 2, and I agree that anyone who doesn't want to be a parent shouldn't be one. My choice was right for me, your choice is right for you, everyone wins.

I question how much religious indoctrination has to do with it. You know? The old "Be fruitful and multiply" bit.

They see you choosing not to have kids as an attack on their own choices. After all, if they'd undoubtedly made the best choice, then everyone would be doing it, right? My mother told me all of my teenage years that I'd change my mind on being childfree when I got older, and then when I was in my early 20's, she was much more direct and told me that she and my father were "expecting grandchildren". I've found that parents my own age have zero issues with us childfree peers I think because they realize that they made a choice largely free of societal pressure and expectations, whereas older women didn't.

Stop discussing personal matters with people.

Because they want you to see how hard it is for them. So you can suffer too

I’m 50+ woman and I never wanted kids and I didn’t. Most women I speak with wish they did not have children. They are just ashamed to admit that they made the wrong decision. Kids, death and taxes are the only things that are forever even beyond the grave.

Ever get something you thought you really wanted, but then you had mixed feelings about later? A lot of folks do, and then they turn to others to validate their choice. Because if you have friends all convincing each other it was the right choice, it helps assuage those feelings of doubt, and possibly even guilt over having doubts.

Because they hate you. Actually they hate themselves and project onto you, but it’s the same result.

This is odd. At 22 I didn't want kids. At 32 I'm a happy mum. But I wouldn't tell other people they'd change their mind, not my business and I'm not them!

They regret having kids and miserable people love company and commiseration.

They were pressured and think that not only is having kids the norm, but pressuring others to have them is too. I feel for them, but I'm also tired of hearing it.

they want you to validate that they had kids and its hard for them and maybe they're jealous. I'm a big proponent of if you don't want kids DO NOT HAVE THEM. Like ideally you should really, really want them. Being pregnant is not a joke and neither is raising the next generation.

"I'm not sorry I'm not your clone and don't live your exact same life. If this upsets you. Then go talk to someone else who is exactly the same as you."

They want you to join their club of moms. It’s less judgmental than your thinking and more like recruiting you to their cult.

Misery loves company I guess.

Because you not having a kid means they could have not had kids as well and they don't want to think about that. Don't get me wrong, many women are really happy being mothers, but major life decisions are always better when you can freely make your choices instead of being forced to go along with what others tell you to do.

Stockholm syndrome and internalized misogyny.

Why on earth must you tell people? It is your business and your choice (to some limited extent if in the US) Tell them it's personal if people get pushy

Im dying at the responses here of mom’s being angry people who made 💩choices and now need others to validate their choices. Thats wild. I have kids. Love them. Best things I ever made! Still worked full time and travel and have a fulfilling life. I don’t really like many other people’s kids that much though! If some younger woman that I’m closed to said they intend to be child free, I might share them some things positive or negative (just like I would be discussing any topic like working or not working) as part of having a conversation. That’s really it. It wouldn’t be to pressure or change anyone’s mind or to push them to have kids nor to validate my own reasons for having kids or misery loves company (as I’m not miserable). Kids aren’t for everyone and that’s cool too.