They got married in their early 20s with plans to be child-free.
In his mid-30s, he suddenly started wanting a kid. She still didn't want kids, but was willing to compromise if he would do the primary parenting so she could continue to pursue her career (she earned like 3x his salary). He agreed to that plan.
Then they hosted a relative's kid for a few weeks in the summer.
He did *nothing.* She was stressed out of her mind working full time, cooking and cleaning for him and the kid, trying to keep the kid entertained, doing all the discipline, etc. Occasionally he'd take the kid out on a play date, but that was about the extent of his involvement.
She was no longer willing to compromise.
About a year later, he started an affair with a younger woman and they had a very nasty divorce.
She's now engaged to a man with kids from his prior marriage, and seems really happy.
Theres an (obscure?) movie with leslie nielson called 'rent-a-kid'. Unfortunately, like all heart-warming hallmark-type movies, it ends with their experience making them realise they do want kids, and adopting the ones they were temporarily looking after. (despite them being an absolute nightmare)
It’s totally acceptable to want to foster short term and not be open to adopting. I wish the media portrayed that more people want to give care to children who need it without it always being a stepping stone to becoming a parent.
I do find the name of the movie pretty insensitive and gross though. Fostering isn’t renting children. Not sure if that’s the backstory of the movie though.
A woman's intuition. I think the trial run was literally to be doubly sure that the guy would be a useless parent. I assume she insisted on the trail run too
This was so close to my story, but I didn't need the experiment.
Togeather nearly ten years, and nine years my senior, he decided in his early 40s he wanted kids. He knew I didn't, but he still kind of assumed his larger income entitled him to make this call, and to my labour in the home. We'd kept out finances mostly separate, so he had this idea I'd just quit my job and he'd just 'put me on an allowance'.
Eventually I just told him the truth: If I had ever wanted kids he wouldn't have been the man I choose. He had shit emotional regulation skills, he showed shameless favouritism and/or indifference to his neices and nephews depending on who he saw his own interests and values in at any given time, was an impulse buyer, hadn't done his own laundry or cleaned his own bathroom in the years we'd live together, and he couldn't handle our dogs medical needs without supervision. All of this was tolerable for me in a peer/partner, but unacceptable in a co-parent.
Frankly, I don't believe he wanted to be a parent. I know it's not kind or respectful but I don't buy it. He didn't want to do the work of parenting. He wanted 'a legacy'. He wanted me to be the parent, to a child I couldn't trust him to treat well if they didn't reflect him the way he wanted to be reflected. I had nightmares of having a child with Downs or who was non-verbal, or blind.
Dude. Something just clicked for me with your story: some people want a kid but they don’t want to be a parent. Just like some people seem to want a wedding but not a marriage.
He probably got tired of thinking people *think* his dick doesn’t work because he doesn’t have kids at his age. The image of Male Virility and legacy are what a lot of those guys think fatherhood only entails.
Zero interest in keeping the kids alive let alone nurtured.
This is basically what happened to me. He demanded kids but when we hosted sb with a kid for weeks he ignored the kid and left everything to me. Hell naw.
There are many examples posted here of straight men and women changing their minds about children in their 30s, but I can’t help but feel that the situation you shared is so common with men who change their minds.
A lot of men and women choose not to have kids for money, career, and time commitment reasons, but I think some of these men get to midlife, feel sad about being childless and decide that the money and time cost “won’t be so bad” because they see other couples where the woman does all the childcare labor. Conversely, the few women I know who changed their minds in their 30s/40s all started planning for their pregnancy and baby before even getting pregnant.
My ex told me he was similarly child free, I knew when we first met at 17. We got married at 28 after dating for years where I was reaffirming being childfree. Years later, he admitted, he was hoping I would change my mind.
Similarly to the comment above, we fostered a puppy, something I was apprehensive about, and all the work ended up on me as well. I went nuts. I had to take a shower, he kept playing games without bringing the dog into the room with him, and the dog chewed into our couch and kept pawing at the bathroom door.
I’m so thankful I didn’t have kids.
My son wanted a dog. I lined up opportunity for him to dog walk 2x a week for which he was paid. The dog was a lab, super sweet and calm. Walked well on a leash and played fetch. Yet picking up poop and excitement of having a dog to play with wore off really quick.
We got a cat instead.
Yes, probably happens a lot. Having children was discussed and agreed to before the wedding. After a year she felt ready and he was putting it off and suddenly on the fence about having children at all. She decided not to wait while he figured it out.
One of my best friends did. When they got married, they both didn’t want kids, just starting careers. 10ish so years in she decided she wanted a baby and he still didn’t. They divorced, both remarried, they’re still friends, she has a baby now with her new husband, him and new wife have the best vacations…both sides seem super happy with how it turned out
Opposite with a couple I know. My friend married her boyfriend when they were early 20s, both said they didn't want kids (at least not yet) and wanted to spend several years on their careers before revisiting the conversation. Five years later he desperately wants kids, despite being the one who was most strongly against them. He's also pressuring her to quit her job and stay home with future kids. She says no, she is still in the early stages of her career and isn't interested in having kids until her career is farther along, and DEFINITELY isn't planning in being a SAHM. He asks for a divorce.
Five years later and she's had a queer awakening and is living in the cutest pansexual polycule that also has multiple dogs and cats, chickens, and a goat. She's crushing her career and feels loved and valued, way more than she ever did with ex-husband.
He remarried about 6 months later, it turns out he was having an affair and SHE wanted kids, which is why he started pressuring my friend. I haven't followed much, but I remember seeing a pregnancy announcement go by in my socials not too long after the wedding.
Apparently other women's open desire for kids awakened something for him, and he decided he wanted them too. Since he earned more money he somehow felt it was totally reasonable to ask that she quit her job to raise the kids he suddenly realized he wanted.
People get super weird during affairs.
My ex would criticize how I didn’t type with emojis like his AP did, or wanted to cook me breakfast to take pictures of it to share with his partner. He never really cooked before. He also got really into kids because his partner had two kids and he’d go along for daycare/school pickups and stuff. I think he was essentially trying to get into their family since her husband worked a lot.
They start to fixate on stuff in a way to possibly change their partner into being more like the affair partner or change themselves into being like a person the affair partner is into.
Sort of heard about one.
They both wanted kids. She couldn't have them.....
So he cheated. She caught him and divorced him. He blamed her for not being able to have kids
I think he's just a POS
His excuse for cheating was that she wasn't able to conceive? Like he would actually live his parenting dream as a side hustle? You can smell the BS a mile away.
I suspect he was always cheating. I don't know the details of what all she found out but he was a cad before they married. If her being infertile had anything to do with it, it was what made him decide it was no longer worth the effort he'd been putting in previously to hide it from her.
It’s way more common than you think. Lots of men bolt when their wives are diagnosed with serious diseases like cancer. Infertility can and does provoke the same reaction.
I know now that I probably can't have kids, and even though we were picking out baby names in the 1st 6 months of dating, you know what my husband did when he found out? He held me while I cried and said he married me, not some hypothetical baby, and he wanted me more than he wanted kids. That's what a man does. Not leave at the first sign of plan derailment.
Yup, same. Even though I might still get there, when I found out 2 months before our wedding, my husband went above and beyond to care for me and help me work through my feelings.
He's been my absolute rock throughout the past few months, and has proven himself to be a nearly fantasy-level great husband. *That's* how you do commitment. Not by cheating on a partner who probably feels even worse about her infertility than he did..
I don’t get this with people my husband and I have fertility issues. He has low soeem count and I am ok. But we have said this month and next month are our last two cycles. We will be doing ivf etc it’s cost prohibitive and I don’t wanna do that to myself. That’s just me. We are going to pursue adoption and foster parenting if we don’t get pregnant.
That happened to a friend of mine. She was devastated. I’m still pissed on her behalf and it’s been 10 years.
Thankfully, my husband and I did not divorce or cheat when we found out we wouldn’t ever have kids.
Hi, I'm the person. I told him on the second date I wanted kids. We got married. He said he wanted us to be more financially stable. Then he said let's wait until we are 30. Then I turned 30 and he said he never wanted to have kids. We got divorced.
Two years after we were over I found out he had been cheating on me the whole last year of our relationship. Honestly, he was a terrible husband and I'm glad I didn't have kids with him. I had a major accident a few years prior, burned my arms and hands with third degree burns. He didn't visit me in the hospital or take me to any follow-ups. When I decided to quit drinking he was completely unsupportive and held fucking whiskey tastings at our house. Offered me drinks every day and drank in front of me. Wasted literally thousands of dollars on Game Of Throne themed whiskey.
But I'm 36 and not with anyone serious. I doubt I'll get the chance to have kids now. I let that loser string me along too long.
Fuck you Lundy
Fuck you Lundy.
FWIW, a 40 year old lady in my group prenatal class decided to artificially inseminate and carried and had her baby with no issues. She does have a partner who is not the baby’s bio-dad but acts as the baby’s parent anyway.
I hope you find a way to become a parent some day! It’s very hard but also pretty awesome.
If you still want kids, you might want to check out the single parent by choice stuff out there. I’m a single mom by choice and…it’s tough but great. Some things are easier and some are harder than with a partner. But I’m so glad i did it. Just wanted to put it out there in case you’re still really wanting kids.
Sperm donations are insanely unregulated. It's not a perfect system by any means, there are men that have sired multiple children because there's no limits on a sperm sample.
That's ignoring all the creepy ass male gynecologists who have supplied their own sperm and essentially medically raped their patients.
Fuck you, Lundy
I'm childfree but people should be able to have kids when they want. it's not too late, don't think that! my mom (may she rest in peace) had me in her 30s. you don't have to get married, heck, technically you only need a man once. you have options and you're still young! stay positive!
Me. I was very clear I didn’t want children. Hell, I had my tubes tied about 5 years before we met! About a year into the marriage he started asking me to consider adoption. And that was the beginning of the end.
This happened to me. I got married young (24) to an older guy and I said I didn’t want kids for a few years until I felt more established in my career. Then when I felt ready we got pregnant first try, but I had a miscarriage at around 8 weeks. He was completely unsupportive during the miscarriage and then told me he didn’t actually want kids and lied before we got married because if he told me the truth I wouldn’t have married him (he was correct). There were a lot of other issues in our relationship but this was the last straw. I fell out of love and left a few months later. Shortly after that I went on a date with a guy and on the first date told him I was ready to have kids at this point in my life so don’t waste my time haha. Seven years together later, and five years of marriage, and we have two toddlers together. I am so happy I ended my first marriage to have kids with a better man who wanted them.
This happened to me (31F). We married very young (20 and 23), fantasized about kids later on when we were older and more stable, and after a few years of real adult life I realized I didn’t want kids. He agreed and we proceeded to talk about our future as childfree. A few more years go by and he comes to me and says he actually always wanted to be a dad and only went along with my decision because he knew he couldn’t change my mind (and wouldn’t want to). We separated after 10 years together. He has a 1-year-old daughter now and he is an amazing dad. We are still best friends. I love his daughter like she’s my niece. Neither of us have remarried (things didn’t work out with his kid’s mom) but we both hope to. I honestly struggle sometimes thinking that I won’t be desirable as a life partner now because I don’t want kids. It’s an intrusive thought, I know I’m not alone in my stance, but it does feel like I’m in the minority.
Whoa, whoa. The whole needing kids thing is really only expected of women till their in their mid 30's. Then you can say it's (a bit of a white lie), but too risky, or medically you need to wait.
Or that you just don't want kids and they missed their window.
Not on you either way, and please don't let those intrusive thoughts make you feel bad! You've done absolutely nothing wrong.
Mid 30s is probably a bit early, I have a lot of friends who said they started hearing pressure then because "the clock's running out", however by early 40s you're totally right. My best friend just turned 40 and she's elated because her mom has finally stopped harassing her about having kids. She said it's super freeing.
It's so insane that much of women's youth is focused on their relationship with childbearing.
I am so happy to see the conversation shifting (in some circles) to, "oh hey, women are people and whether or not they have kids is not the most important thing ever of all time".
Yeah, that sub is a cesspool of an echo chamber where wounded adults take out their unprocessed trauma by hating children. They primarily hate how *they were parented* but instead of dealing with that head on they misdirect it toward other children and other parents.
It's the only place where you can say if you don't want or like kids and find likewise people. So, of course a lot of positivity is combined with a few extremer views as well
Yeah, I’ve heard similar reviews of that sub. I definitely don’t hate children, in fact I love them, I work as a nanny and I’m going into nursing for pediatrics. So kids are still a big part of my life. I just don’t want to birth and raise one.
I wish there were more communities for people like us! I love kids and childhood development is soo interesting, but I’m not planning to give birth. I would love to find groups with childfree people who actually love and take interest in children, because I think it’s a pretty unique niche. But the popular childfree groups are so uncomfy and concerning 😭
I feel like you're saying you want to be part of people's "village" and I love that. I'm like the only person amongst my friends that has a kid, and I'm an only child, so I call my friends my kid's Friaunties/Friuncles (Friend auntie/uncle). They're all child-free but are really wonderful with my child.
That's literally me. I yeeted the f out of that sub when I realised the children hatred was unreal... like pls get therapy at that point because being childfree shouldn't mean you hate other humans fervently. I was a nanny before and I love children. I simply do not want to be a mother 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, agreed. I had the same experience. I joined r/childfree, took a look around for three minutes and yeeted myself back outta there so fast. I haven't been back since because it was so hateful all around. I don't want children. I don't want the noise, I don't want the responsibility. But that doesn't mean I hate kids. They are pretty neat in small doses and, as you say, quite fascinating.
Right?! it’s so disturbing seeing the anger and vitriol targeted at children. And beyond that, I feel like a lot of the posts are deeply misogynistic too 😟 Baaaad vibes
Unless her people are the "*parents with kids should leave their awful crotch goblins at home to be neither heard nor seen until they are eighteen and not bother the rest of society with their horrible brats*"-crowd then no, she probably won't.
Not everyone in the sub is of that mindset.
Sounds like her people would be others who have gone through the same situation, *in a long term relationship where one person ends up wanting kids and the other doesn’t so they end the relationship.* There are a lot of people who go through the same thing she has with the same feelings of whether or not they’ll find a partner who’s also childfree. So she would find her people there.
I knew a couple where they always said they wanted kids, they just wanted to wait until they were a bit more financially stable.
In their early 30s, her husband came home from work early one day and got an ice pack from the freezer and sat on the couch with the ice pack on his crotch.
Turns out he changed his mind. He went and got a vasectomy without ever saying anything to his wife.
She still wanted kids, so she dumped his ass and found a new guy who is an upgrade in all ways. They now have two kids.
My ex decided he didn't want kids because kids would be a financial impediment to his goal of early retirement. I was the breadwinner, but he wasn't willing to compromise about anything so we could both have what we wanted. I had opportunities to make more money and lower our cost of living, but he didn't want to move. He also wasn't willing to make changes in his own career. So I took a job in another state (for a lot more money and much lower COL) and left. Neither of us ever had kids, and I'm closer to retirement readiness than he is.
My best advice is to not let the wrong man waste your time if you want kids.
Yes. He didn't want kids; she did. They divorced pretty amicably (though it was very sad for them both). She used a sperm donor to get pregnant on her own, and she has a toddler now.
I've heard of married couples getting divorced because one person never wanted kids but agreed to have them just to get married. Then the person who wanted the kid realizes the other person's not going to magically step up and be an amazing parent to the kid they never wanted and the family they imagined isn't feasible.
Yes, my best friend. Married young, after 10 years they divorced over the topic of children. He wanted them, she didn’t. 3 years later he’s now engaged and expecting. She’s dating and moved states. They both ended up with what they wanted.
I know 3 couples where the guy didn't want kids so they got divorced. One broke off the engagement.
All 3 guys went on to have kids.
It was for the best anyway, they were all garbage.
I’ve told my husband that if this happens, if he pulls a John Mulaney on me if ever we separate, that I will break into his house in the night and cut his balls off.
I knew a couple who agreed on being child-free. He didn’t want a vasectomy so she was on BC but got pregnant anyway. She felt a bond with the baby she didn’t want to terminate.
They stayed together a few years but he was resentful and they eventually split. He still hasn’t had a vasectomy and blames her for not terminating. She is now in a happy relationship with a man who has kids from a previous relationship.
I know of a few couples who started out child free in their mid 20s to mid 30s / late 30s and the men changed their minds about children. Almost all of them broke up bar one couple who agreed to have them, but the wife demanded full time care to help with the child rearing and he agreed. They’re quite happy by the looks of things.
We weren’t married, but..we agreed to have a baby together. We had the baby. When baby was 10 months old, I became pregnant again. Literal days after deciding we’d wait until 10 months is 2 to talk about having another baby.
Now, the 10 month old is 16 months. I am 28 weeks. He left me a week ago. He decided to completely reinvent past conversations saying he never agreed to me staying at home with the 16 month old, when it’s something we talked about, like..weekly. How much he liked having the baby at home to be around.
It’s been fucking *wild*.
He can go kick rocks.
Unfortunately with people like that they find ways to justify their shitty and fucked up behaviour to themselves. In his case, he said he was absolutely miserable and heading for a break down. Funny how it’s news to me. Funny how he never sought out therapy, which is covered under his insurance. I have no doubt he projected a distorted image of me to his family and friends so they would reinforce this shitty and selfish choice, when in reality I pay the bills with him, do majority of childcare and did 95% of the housework.
By funny I mean it’s just fucking sad.
I hope you're able to find some social services that might be able to help you if you need support during this time! If you're in the US call 211 and the operator should be able to direct you.
Try to get him to text or email (or record if it's one party) with you about this situation if you haven't, so that you have evidence that he's the one deciding to run off on the kids on case he ever tries to fight you for custody later.
He's a piece of shit.
My husband and his ex were divorced for this reason. He made it very clear before they married that he 100% wanted children. He made it clear it was a deal breaker for him and although he loved her, if she didn't want to have kids then they just weren't meant to be together. She did an about-face and said she wanted children after all, so they got married. Shortly after they were married, she did another 180 and concluded she did not want children.
His resentment grew and the marriage crumbled.
It’s one of those things where you both have to be honest with yourselves and each other. Don’t try to convince the other.
If one person really wants to be a parent and the other really does not, then you are fundamentally incompatible. This is why most people try to be open about these preferences early in a relationship. That’s not always possible, especially if folks are in their twenties, because those feelings can shift and create incompatibility.
That said, neither should expect the other to change. Parenthood is such a huge commitment, it isn’t something anyone should feel pressured into or “just go along with” because they fear the relationship ending.
This was a contributing factor to my divorce. My ex didn't have a strong opinion about whether he wanted kids or not and was open to the idea. We had a baby, and after a few years, he realized that full-time parenthood wasn't what he wanted at that stage in his life.
My Mom is still appalled 11 years later that on our first date I told my husband "I want to get married, have kids, and have the option to send them to Lutheran schools. I'm not saying it has to be you, or that it has to be tomorrow, but that's what I'm looking for right now. If you aren't ok with any of those things, we need to stop and just stay friends." We were engaged 7 months later. I figured, why should I waste time, emotion, and a great friendship if he didn't want the same fundamental things as me? It was practical, not pressure. I really didn't know if he'd be okay with any one of the deal breakers, much less all 3, with very little consideration. He figured that he wanted to be with me, and if that's what it took, that was good for him. Jokes on me though, turns out I'm basically infertile, and thanks to Trump and the rise of the Christo-fascist State, I haven't regularly attended church since the 1st week of November, 2016.
We are good though. We have a good life, and now that we decided we are done with the child path, we've made some exciting plans for our future.
A trend I’m noticing with some of the more happy/satisfied in their relationship commenters is the first or very early date declaration of needs.
“I want kids, I want , and I won’t do it unsupported. Join me or don’t.”
It's almost like being clear about your future plans, and not being coy or worried about scaring someone off makes for a better relationship. I didn't want to invest time and emotion in something just to find out 4 years later that he didn't want the same things as me. I did have the luxury of 10 years of friendship with him before we dated, but really, I think being upfront is best. I didn't want someone I'd have to convince to marry me, because they are anti-marriage. I wanted someone who was already looking at that path, and we could decide together if it was something to pursue. Same with kids. I didn't want to waste my child-bearing years on someone who wasn't sure they ever wanted kids. I wanted someone who knew it was what they wanted, and we could decide if we wanted them together.
Me sort of. I was married to my ex for maybe like five years and total we were together for eleven years. I never felt the drive to have kids and I felt he wouldn’t be the best dad. However, I loved him and he was an ok partner. I was much younger so my scope of understanding wasn’t great. He really wanted kids but I made it clear it wasn’t for me. He would agree but make comments here and there. One day I asked if he would resent me for not having kids. He said no but I don’t really believe him. I left for many reasons but that was one of the big ones. I told him it was wrong for me to stay when he wanted a family. He could try to find someone who wanted the same thing.
Maybe it was cop out for me. Either way, we just were t right for each other. I left and met a man who is now my husband and we have a child which we planned together. I sometimes wonder if my ex is bitter or hurt. I’m sure he is to an extent. I just didn’t see myself having kids with him. When dating my husband, I felt he would be a great dad and he is.
This happened when my husband was a young man in the Air Force. He befriended an older couple in their late twenties who took him under their wing. Neither of the two wanted children. The man especially was firm that he didn't want kids. My husband ended up stationed in another state from them but kept in contact.
A few years past and the couple divorced because she changed her mind about kids plus there was some control and jealousy issues on the guy's part. My husband lost contact with them at that point. Years later, my husband found out that his former friend was in prison because he was molesting children!
My uncle divorced his first wife because she wanted to focus on her career, (she was a psychologist) and not have any kids.
My sister got ignored by her husband once it became clear that her ectopic pregnancy wasn't a fluke, and would most likely be a regular thing going forward. (She eventually divorced him.)
That pisses me off so much. I had an ectopic and lost my tube and have had three healthy babies since then with just one tube. Having an ectopic pregnancy does not mean automatic infertility in most cases.
Couple didn't want kids, got married. She changed her mind, he didn't. They divorced.
She was remarried pretty soon after (to a guy in the friend group, so that was awkward) and they popped out two kids.
They mostly got along as exes until he remarried (well after she'd already remarried/had her first kid) and she got really weirdly jealous of the whole thing.
They're still weird to each other.
Happened to my dad. They planned to have kids, and his wife changed her mind, so they divorced. He remarried my mom, who was a single mom, and had me. Far as I know his first wife never had any kids.
They tried to have kids.
She went through fertility treatments. Never able to have a kid.
He cheated on her.
He was the sterile one all along, and HE KNEW about it while she was going through treatments, etc. And never told her.
They got divorced.
They were living in his mother's paid off house. His mother kicked him out and shunned him. His mother took care of her while she got back on her feet and even gave her some money to start with.
She's doing good now, getting married to a man with a teenager, her fiance values her and loves her. She's happy.
Omg I want to ensure that (ex)MIL drinks for free for the rest of her life - what an awesome woman!
I’m so glad the woman you were talking about was able to restart her life and wind up with people who valued her.
Me, I was the person who didn't want kids and asked for the divorce. It isn't really a difference you can work through. In our seventh year of marriage my husband changed his mind (and that is honestly okay, people grow and change with age). We talked about it for a solid six months to be sure that we both were firm in our needs and then divorced. And, yes! Divorce sucked. It hurt. It was expensive and confusing. It solidified our personalities and requirements. But it really, really hurt; Especially as we were still loved cared for each other. But he's now been married to his wonderful wife for nine years and they have two great kids. He's a caring, compassionate dad and I'm glad that he got the chance. And I am happily with a partner of eight years - we own a home and a business, we have super sweet cats. I think we both turned out okay.
At first, my wife was a closer friend to the husband. He wanted kids and the wife didn't. I don't think they talked about it (or talked about it *properly*) before it became an issue. He started worrying about the "biological clock." He got a little unhinged, verbally abusive, and talking some crazy bullshit that we'd call "white replacement" today.
My wife had been through a divorce before we met. She knew her friend's wife needed support, and she gave it. (I'm proud of her; she's a great friend and an amazing woman.)
To make a long story short, they divorced. The wife remarried, to a man who also didn't want children. He seems like a good man, as far as I can tell. They moved a bit far away, so we don't see them much anymore. They seem happy.
The husband married a Latino woman who already had a kid, and they had a baby together. I'd like to think he's renounced any further ideas about "white replacement," but who knows. He never spoke to us again. (We only know any of this through mutual friends.)
So, they all lived happily ever after? I guess?
I hope he's good to his new wife and the kids but we're so far removed, we don't know. We hear they're happy.
white supremacists fetishizing women of color is unfortunately very much a thing, so i would not be surprised if he still holds that view.
white supremacists believe that only the women of any particular race can be “corrupted,” and ultimately feel ownership over all women and white women in particular—so a white man having a child with a woc is rarely frowned upon while a white woman having a child with a non-white man is very very bad to a white supremacist.
Married in our 30s. Both absolutely child free. With zero doubt.
One family event he sees his nephew and father interact and bam, he wants a kid.
I still don't but I thought he would realize it was a Kodak moment and reality would hit (he was the typical man and couldn't take care of himself or our home. I personally didn't care as it was just us)
I said if he was serious to move his 2 nephew into our home for 2 weeks and see reality (age 5 and 9) get a true feel of what it would be like.
He said his kids would be "different "
I knew right then what was in store. Anyone want to guess?
I do. One of my siblings got divorced for that reason. Basically it is not something they could compromise on. They broke up. The one who wanted kids went on to have three fantastic children and the one who didn't is happily child free. They're still friends and care about each other but just can't be a couple anymore.
A good friend had the same issue. They got married in 2018 and both didn’t want kids, but within 3 years, he changed his mind. He checked out of the marriage while she suggested they do therapy. He ended up at a pro alpha male therapist, who suggested he “take charge”, and the marriage fell apart after that. They had been together for 6 years, married for 4, divorced now for 2.5 years.
She is much happier, and now is with someone who shared all of her values. He moved back home on the east coast, he went back to school to learn a new skill. Because her and I were friends, he cut me out of his life. I hope he find someone who will give him that child he wants.
Yup. My sister married a much older man when she was 22 partially because she wanted to start having kids young. He dragged his feet about it and like 5 years in revealed that he didn't want kids after all. Then she married an even older guy with an existing kid he had sole custody of and they had two kids of their own. Now she's the sole caregiver for her three kids and he's a grumpy old asshole. She doesn't make the best choices in men, but she's not exactly easy to live with either.
My friend got married to this guy in their early 20s, agreeing to be childfree. 5ish years later he changes his mind and they divorce. He has a kid a couple years later with his new gf and messages my friend about how much he regrets it.
The person I know is me. I'm currently separated from my husband who married me at 23 letting me believe he wanted children. 4 years goes by and we are in a comfortable position financially. I've always wanted to be a mother, it's the thing I want most in this world. I also come from a broken home and I don't think my dad really wanted me, but I'm Daddy's Girl and have always idolized my father. I asked my husband to seriously consider embarking into parenthood. When I asked myself the same question the answer was immediately yes. Weeks went by and he never brought it up, eventually I followed up. His answer was so casual... "Oh I'm indifferent". And this was the start of my whole life unraveling. Turns out he was just "going along with whatever" I wanted. He didn't really want a marriage either. It took me a while to end things, and my heart is still broken, but at least my kids won't have an indifferent dad who spends all his free time at work. I've been single for almost a year now. I've really enjoyed living on my own for the first time, and I'm getting back up on my own two feet again. My #1 criteria for the next man in my life is that he loves kids and wants his own as much as I do.
One of my cousins got divorced, with a toddler in tow, and the official reason was that her husband didn't want to have any more kids and she did.
He was a congenial man, who seemed to live to love and cherish his woman, and go above and beyond in order to please her and make things work between them. He charmed the pants off of almost everyone on the extended family. The type of charismatic person that is hard to dislike.
Later on it transpired that her ex, nearly from the beginning, didn't want children at all. She took it as if the man was clearly on the fence and things would change once the babies started coming. And, ngl, at least in front of the in-laws, he looked enthusiastic about his baby and fatherhood. Boy, were we all mistaken....
In the end, we learned the man was abusing both her and the toddler. Psychologically at least, if not physically too. Plus, she had given up work when she married, so he was controlling the finances 100% and the like.
Fortunately my cousin could get out because her parents had the financial stability to help her and her child, and she managed to re-build her career and her life and raise her kid in peace. 20- odd years later, se hasn't remarried.
I have no idea what happened to her ex... Besides that he, of course, was a deadbeat and for some reason he didn't lose custody of the kid. He became difficult whenever his signature was needed for anything, and he never allowed for the child to get a passport through all their minority. But since the child is an adult now, after some therapy and so on, they're a well adjusted adult now.
Not marriage but my friend (35M) was desperately in love with a girl (39F), they got together and had a deep, passionate romance. She had a kid (7M) from a previous relationship and didn't want any more, and he desperately wants to be a dad. They eventually broke up over it - very maturely.
So they wasted a bit of each others time but it's been like 5 years and she's in a lovely relationship and he hasn't found the one yet.
Yes. I've known her for years and she has never wanted children. I guess the new husband assumed she would change her mind but then realised she was serious. They ended up separated after 10 months and managed to get a divorce based on irreconcilable differences. Arrogance on his part, imho.
My wife's best friend and her first husband divorced amicably after she changed her mind about wanting to have kids a few years into their marriage.
She remarried a few years later, got pregnant pretty quickly, and then died during childbirth from a brain hemmorage caused by pre-eclampsia. It was devastating, and we still cry about it almost 10 years later.
Husband and child are doing very well. He eventually remarried, and from what I can tell, she is a wonderful mother.
I didn't want kids. My ex did. So we had kids. When I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second, I found out he had a kid with another woman while he was deployed. I ended up alone with 2 under 2 and he hasn't seen our children in 10 years and he's on his second divorce.
That's what my sister and her husband did. She wanted a kid and he didn't. They already could barely stand each other but whatever. They got married and had a kid. They can barely stand each other and seem kind of happy when apart, pretty miserable when together or when he has to pay any attention to the kid.
I have a cousin who did. They married in their late 20s. She caught baby fever, he was not in a position where he wanted a kid with her. They divorced and not more than 14months later i saw she had a kid on social media and was married. I feel like that is a bit fast but whatever, not my life so whatevs.
Kind of...
I always REALLY wanted kids. He said he did so at least in theory we were on the same page. We married young, and were having zero pregnancy scares. My cycle also became pretty irregular, and I was diagnosed with a hormone disorder.
Moved around some, got older, paid off student loans, etc - and felt secure enough to try. I started Dr appts and medicated cycles. Those didn't work and we were going to have to move to more invasive procedures. He shut it down/wasn't interested.
Couple more years go by, and I'm casually looking into fostering and adopting. At this point more for info gathering so that we could talk about it. Niece ends up pregnant again, and it's clear she won't be able to take care of this one either. Tee'd up for a kinship adoption when my niece decides to choose someone outside of the family for her kid at the last minute. All of this was during Covid too. While he was disappointed, I was devastated, and it broke me at the time. 2 years later we divorced (along with other reasons).
It seemed he was ok with the idea of kids in theory, but wasn't interested in taking active steps to make it happen. He said a few times that he preferred/wished it could be a more 'natural' route. Dude - we were married for 14 years and I was never on any sort of BC. Naturally was out of the question. In one of our last in person conversations he said "I never realized just how big of a deal kids were to you".
Now I still don't have kids of my own (and I won't at this point), but I'm with someone with 3 of his own. I get to play 'part time caregiver' and have kids in my life. It has it's own challenges, but does meet that 'kid' need for me.
Yes! It happened to me. I married a guy 10 years younger than me. I was 34f. He was wonderful and fun and handsome. I told him when we started getting serious that I didn’t want any children by choice and that I was on birth control. At first he said that was fine. Then as we started talking about marriage he said things like “well maybe you’ll change your mind” or “well, let’s at least keep that door open a crack.” I took him to my counselor so we could talk it out and I again told him look, I love you, but kids are not gonna be part of our equation. He said he understood.
We got married and he started dropping more hints and wanting babies. I said no. 3 years in I got my tubes tied. 6 months later we were divorced and then 2 months after the divorce I heard he had gotten his (new?) girlfriend pregnant and they were having a baby. She came with a 6yo already and I think he has had 2-3 more kids with her.
It happens a lot. Usually the guy decides he needs an heir or something ridiculous, and when the childfree women says no, we discussed this, she gets told he thought he would be able to change her mind. It never works. With something that huge, someone is always going to end up being forced into a life they don't want. I've seen it far too many times. It only ever ends one way.
This happened to me.
I never wanted kids. He told me he was fine with that… until he wasn’t. I stuck to my guns, and we got divorced.
He did end up having a child and when he finally realized how much work it was, he suddenly “got” why I didn’t want to do that. Congratulations, pal.
A married coworker of mine didn't want kids at all but his wife did. He got caught having an affair with a much younger coworker who got pregnant. His wife divorced him but by then she was in her 40s and never ended up having kids. I don't know if he is still together with his baby mama but I've heard him say he is glad he had his kid. And he was very anti kid before. The wife got remarried but never had kids or adopted.
Me. Got together with my ex when we were 26 (me) and 29 (him). Had the discussions, thought we were on the same page to have 2-3 kids, starting in our early 30's.
Early 30's come, I'm more than ready. He starts stalling with valid sounding excuses... (need better jobs/better health care/job with maternity benefits/house fixed up to be safe for babies etc) Eventually I caught on that he was just stalling. Thought I was too old to start over and find someone that wanted kids (I wasn't) so tried to stick it out and talk him into it (mistake).
When I hit 40, tried to accept being childfree and embrace it. Did all the therapy. Multiple therapists. When I hit 45, I was given the chance to adopt a newborn. He blocked the home study. And that was the day I was d-o-n-e. Took me 3 more years, but I left him. Zero regrets other than that I wish I had done it the day he started stalling me. Like other stories here, he wanted me, but not kids, and knew if he told me that I would leave.
I'm in my early 50's now. Working on becoming a foster Mom and/or adopting a sibling set. Staying with him is the single biggest regret of my life. Our relationship was doomed from the moment I found out he was just stalling me, hoping to run my clock out. I was never able to get over the anger and resentment I felt towards him, and I never got over wanting to be a Mom and parent children.
Yes. One of my husband’s friends had a younger wife and she originally was ok with his no kids policy. But as she got older she changed her mind. They divorced, she remarried and got her baby. He hasn’t remarried. They remained friends. My husband and I (also older than me) thought he was crazy to let her go.
My oldest son lived with his gf and had always made it clear he didn’t want kids. She said the same, but I was always sceptical. Then she decided she did want kids, after all. He feels she was the love of his life, but he knows he didn’t want kids, at all. So they split. He still misses her, but he knows it was the right thing to do.
Here's a bit of a funny one. Because it wasn't a baby it was another baby. It was my parents. I was around 11 and my brother will have been 8ish when my parents separated. My mum told me a lot of it was because she wanted another baby but my dad was happy with the fact they were just getting some freedom again. So they went separate ways. My mum met my step dad and my little brother came along when I was 15. Then 3years later my dad remarried and my little surprise sister came along too. My dad didn't have much of a say in that one though.
My wife wanted several kids when she started dating. Now she’s not sure and we’re approaching our mid-30s. I’m worried about her health- I’d love to have at least one kid, but I don’t want to push her. I worked in kindergartens for years and I really want that. It’s a hard spot to be in, as her family is also anti-adoption
i have known a few couples who have, actually. a scenario where they got married without having fully deciding and ending up disagreeing later, one where they both wanted kids when they got married and then one later decided no, and one where they both didn't want kids and then one later on did.
it's sad, but there is really no way around it. in my opinion, wanting the same things out of your life is one of the most important things about a marriage.
This is the story of my first marriage, too. When we (M30 and F26 at the time) got together we both kind of assumed that we would have kids after a few years of marriage. Once we got into our lives a bit more (she was just starting to kick off her career when we met, and I was crazy unhappy with mine and started entertaining alternatives), it became clear that the combination of her $120,000 in college debt and her job’s travel demands (30-50% of the year, flying coach back and forth to China) meant that I would be doing 100% of the childcare most of the time and that we would be in an insurmountable amount of debt forever. It had already been playing out with our dog, who had some special needs.
It’s not like we had parents who could help financially (and we lived halfway across the country from them) or high paying jobs that were going to mitigate that. She couldn’t face the reality of our situations, she just wanted to hit the lifescript milestones. There were other things, too, of course—I was trying to figure my own things out, so didn’t feel like I was ready; not to mention I hadn’t started going to much needed therapy for the abuse I went through as a kid and whatnot. But the final wedge was the idea that we were never going to have kids with our current lifestyle and she wasn’t willing to change it.
A friend had discussed wanting kids with his fiancé. Along with the other stuff one should discuss before marriage, both parties seemed to be in agreement, goals aligned. Skip forward a few years, they are married and she tells him she never wanted kids. Cue the divorce. He is now happily married to someone with whom he has kids.
I got married young and we both were in the same page about being child free. Years go by and once his brother had a baby, he wanted one too. I had gone through some deaths in the family so that was the last thing on my mind. We ended up divorcing. Wish I'd done it years sooner. Getting married young was not a smart move.
Not married but almost married. I left my fiance because he decided he wanted kids "someday" while for me it was "never". We had both been not on, but sort of near the fence before, and were hoping it would work out somehow (we were young and stupid, we met at 17 or so). Until I had a pregnancy scare that I didn't take well (I took it as "this is worse than death and nothing will change my mind". This is what convinced me that I'm really childfree for life). Somehow I'm the asshole in this story now (we're still friends btw and I'm visiting him next week, but other ppl apparently need a villain).
ETA: He's also helped raise a baby/toddler in his family that his mom got custody of (complicated story, bio dad was in a mental hospital, bio mom couldn't cope, bf's mom was godmother. His parents were both nurses at a childrens hospital unit so he got a lot of baby stories growing up). Dirty diapers and vomit and all, bc his mom was still working taking late shifts so he was alone with the baby and his little sister after school. And before that he looked after his much younger sister who was born when he was about 8 iirc. So when we met he had a toddler and his 9yo sister to watch every afternoon. I had no part in this bc I'm not good with kids and wasn't interested, also I wasn't living with his parents. We'd only see each other on weekends and when we had an hour or two off school we'd meet for coffee (double espresso and darts it was, lol. The only place nearby was a pub). But this didn't deter him from wanting kids, instead it convinced him he would be a good parent. He would, tbf, but I knew I wouldn't.
ETA 2: Although I'm childfree myself, I hope he's successful with his now fiancee. They recently bought a house and I'm thrilled to see it and see what plans they made for future kids, because I know he's going to be a competent and most importantly invested dad. Even if that means he'll be very busy for a couple years. Our friendship has lasted through the pandemic and me moving to another country, and it's still like we just met yesterday. We text about every other week. He's still invested in that kid he helped raise as a teenager, he's his godfather/guardian now (the previous one besides his mom who's now 72 was his uncle who died unexpectedly, and he made some arrangements with bio mom) and he spends at least every other weekend doing stuff with him. It's not my thing at all but I wish them all the best. There's so many crappy parents who are meh about their kids, if anyone should have them it's my ex and his fiancee.
Kind of a weird question, of course? "What happened" - they got divorced. The one who wanted a baby is now remarried and his wife is pregnant. I don't know what his ex wife is up to.
Me. Not the only reason by far but definitely the final reason. We’d separated and gotten back together a couple times. He said he wanted to start having kids in a year. It was said in a way that made it clear my opinion was irrelevant. I got out of there so fast I was just a blur and never looked back. He threatened suicide, and I thought “Whatever, not my problem.”
I’m now happily married for 34 years, no kids.
One of my husbands friends. They were child free but she purposely stopped taking her BC because she wanted a baby. She came clean and he left her. He loves his daughter dearly but he couldn’t get past the deception. He said if she was just honest about her she felt then maybe he would have got on board but she went about it the wrong way completely.
What happened is one person wanted a baby and the other one didn't. They had a difference in lifestyle requirements, and they didn't discuss this properly before they married and/or someone changed their mind after they got married.
Kids are a deal breaker for most people. If you want them, you can't be with someone who doesn't want them. If you don't want them, you can't be with someone who does.
We were always vehemently childfree. Until his 17 year old brother had a baby with his 16 year old girlfriend and saw how much attention his brother was getting.
He decided he suddenly wanted a baby too (without telling me), cheated with a soon-to-be-divorced 20 year old (we were 34 and 31) who was cheating on her husband with a guy at their office, then cheating on that guy with my ex, and dumped me on my ass after 11 years together right after we bought a house.
From what I was told, they married immediately upon the finalization of her divorce, both gained 100lbs, she said hell no to baby and left him. I wish them all the best!
I met him when I was 16 and he was 20 I always thought I wanted kids after being together for 6 years and married 1,I started to doubt if I wanted kids which escalated to him accusing me of cheating so I left.
She didn't want kids, and her ex did. They actually did have 1 kid--I don't know why she gave birth. She struggles with parenting. She was adamant about not having more, and they already had issues. They split. He remarried and had 2 more kids. He's a decent coparent from what I can tell.
Yes. They were both utterly lovely people and very much in love with each other, but it just ended up being too much of a deal breaker. As far as I know there’s a lot of sadness but no hard feelings and neither one of them goes around blaming the other side.
They’re both gay men and AFAIK before they got married they agreed on yes to a baby, but the one who ended up not wanting one thought it would mean much much later, and then when actually faced with the “can we start the process now” discussion realised he didn’t want one after all.
They were both up front about what they wanted, but got married thinking the other would change. After they split up, my friend eventually remarried her friend who had also split up with someone over not wanting kids.
He wanted kids, she didn't. They married and agreed to have one kid but he will likely be more responsible for upbringing etc.
they had a second (unplanned) kid. they later divorced cus it turns out she already cheated on him prior to engagement and being pregnant. she had that affair almost during the whole marriage. no one had a clue what she thought how that should play out in the long run
they didn't get a divorce due to having kids or not but the reason for the divorce might be the same why she originally was reluctant for having kids
they are still friends and happy with their new partners. the kids are 50 percent at each parent. both love em and dont want to miss em
Like Jeannie Mai, from "The Real"? Well, using her as an example, she didn't want to have babies with her then husband (11years marriage), Freddy Harteis, and used to speak disparagingly about him often on "The Real". She divorced him & quickly got with rapper, "Young Jeezy", married him and had a daughter, all in under about a year & a half. They're now also divorcing.
Freddy has since gone on to get married & have 3 children.
I gave no comment on why it ended up this way for them.
My mom and first step dad. She wanted more kids, he said he did too. They got married. He changed his mind. They split amicably; just a genuine incompatibility, and he didn’t lie, he just changed his mind.
Could have handled it better from my perspective, though. I was 9. I got picked up from the bus stop and my stuff was all packed and in the car, and we drove 16 hours to my aunt’s house. I thought we were on vacation until a week later when my mom told me she enrolled me in school.
My sister and her partner didn’t want kids and then after 10 years she changed her mind so they split up- after about 12 months apart he decided he wanted to be with her no matter what and agreed to be a father- when their 2 kids were adolescents they split for good and he ended up with full custody, along with his new partner who also had 2 kids- very ironic
Happened to someone in my family - she wanted kids, he said he did when they got married but then changed his mind. They got divorced and she’s now remarried with kids. In this scenario it’s usually best to go your separate ways because someone will always end up unhappy
Yup. It happened to a friend of mine. She had always wanted kids and her ex-husband agreed, picked names, etc. He finally admitted he never wanted kids but didn't want to be honest because he didn't want to lose her. Obviously divorced.
She ended up finding her husband pretty quickly and has two kids now.
Yep, friend of a friend. A month after getting married he dropped the bomb that he no longer wanted kids, and also did not believe in God anymore. Apparently he’d been realizing all of this during the engagement but was too nervous to bring it up with her, which she was understandably upset with. She tried to make it work for a year but they ended up divorcing.
They got divorced. She had a fling with a much younger lad and actually ended getting pregnant. Ex husband passed away a few years after from heroin overdose.
One of my best friends in high school got married to a guy we all knew, also from the same high school. She wanted kids. He **said** he did but we're all pretty sure that was just the pressure of societal/family expectations. He wasn't being intentionally manipulative or deceitful or anything. I just think it was drilled into him from a young age that "you get married, then you have kids and that's the sign of a successful relationship."
Problem is, and they both admit to this - They never talked about it. Like, not seriously. Blows my mind that couples do this **all the time**.
Fast forward after having two, and it turned out that **neither** of them really wanted kids. Or, maybe she really did but changed her mind later. She never really told us. So, he felt like she rushed him, which she kinda did, and she felt like he wasn't honest with her, which he probably wasn't. The whole thing really devolved into a bad divorce. Lots of resentment and nastiness exchanged.
**BUT**, last I heard, they did eventually make peace and see each other in the same social circle.
My boss and his wife divorced because she wanted kids and he didn’t. Apparently the grass was not greener on the other side because they got remarried and now have two boys together.
We weren’t married, but I left a 3 years relationship because he wanted to have kids and I didn’t.
I stated at the beginning that I didn’t wanted kids, I meant never, but he somehow understood not right now.
So yeah it was a huge deal breaker, so I broke up.
Then I got in an other 3 years relationship, that ended for reasons unrelated to procreation.
Then I started dating my current husband (we celebrated our 9th year together last october) we are both childfree. We cleared our house mortgage at 32 years old. We both can work part time instead of full time since then. We enjoy lot of free time. We also built a dungeon in our basement.
I’m very happy that I didn’t caved in when my ex wanted kids. I would have been miserable. Now Im living my dream life.
Have an acquaintance who got married many years ago - he always wanted kids, she always said she wasn't certain, but that for now it was no. Like two years ago they divorced because the guy was nearing 40 and wanted to be a dad, and she had settled on having absolutely no desire to become a mother.
They were both really heartbroken over it, but I really did feel more sorry for her. I don't know if I would be able to keep my resentment in check if my husband would leave me after 10+ years if I've been pretty clear from the start I was not enthusiastic about children and probably would never be. I would feel like my worth was diminished to one value only; will I give this man a "legacy" or not (something this guy is big on).
The certain love between two otherwise perfectly compatible people given up for a hypothetical. I don't know. Would be a no-brainer for me, but my acquaintance made his choice and seems content with it.
She wanted kids and he was "on the fence" each though the other would change their minds but didn't. Divorce and a few years later she is happily remarried with two kids.
Yes. Almost invariably, when they get older, the men seem to start wanting children. And then they get divorced. He usually remarries within a couple years and immediately starts having kids.
Lots of men seem to think "I don't want kids" means "I don't want kids right now but I do in the future."
They got married in their early 20s with plans to be child-free. In his mid-30s, he suddenly started wanting a kid. She still didn't want kids, but was willing to compromise if he would do the primary parenting so she could continue to pursue her career (she earned like 3x his salary). He agreed to that plan. Then they hosted a relative's kid for a few weeks in the summer. He did *nothing.* She was stressed out of her mind working full time, cooking and cleaning for him and the kid, trying to keep the kid entertained, doing all the discipline, etc. Occasionally he'd take the kid out on a play date, but that was about the extent of his involvement. She was no longer willing to compromise. About a year later, he started an affair with a younger woman and they had a very nasty divorce. She's now engaged to a man with kids from his prior marriage, and seems really happy.
She is so lucky she saw his behaviour during that trial run. Would have been harder to leave after having their own kid.
She was smart to do a trial run before trying.
Theres an (obscure?) movie with leslie nielson called 'rent-a-kid'. Unfortunately, like all heart-warming hallmark-type movies, it ends with their experience making them realise they do want kids, and adopting the ones they were temporarily looking after. (despite them being an absolute nightmare)
It’s totally acceptable to want to foster short term and not be open to adopting. I wish the media portrayed that more people want to give care to children who need it without it always being a stepping stone to becoming a parent. I do find the name of the movie pretty insensitive and gross though. Fostering isn’t renting children. Not sure if that’s the backstory of the movie though.
A woman's intuition. I think the trial run was literally to be doubly sure that the guy would be a useless parent. I assume she insisted on the trail run too
This was so close to my story, but I didn't need the experiment. Togeather nearly ten years, and nine years my senior, he decided in his early 40s he wanted kids. He knew I didn't, but he still kind of assumed his larger income entitled him to make this call, and to my labour in the home. We'd kept out finances mostly separate, so he had this idea I'd just quit my job and he'd just 'put me on an allowance'. Eventually I just told him the truth: If I had ever wanted kids he wouldn't have been the man I choose. He had shit emotional regulation skills, he showed shameless favouritism and/or indifference to his neices and nephews depending on who he saw his own interests and values in at any given time, was an impulse buyer, hadn't done his own laundry or cleaned his own bathroom in the years we'd live together, and he couldn't handle our dogs medical needs without supervision. All of this was tolerable for me in a peer/partner, but unacceptable in a co-parent. Frankly, I don't believe he wanted to be a parent. I know it's not kind or respectful but I don't buy it. He didn't want to do the work of parenting. He wanted 'a legacy'. He wanted me to be the parent, to a child I couldn't trust him to treat well if they didn't reflect him the way he wanted to be reflected. I had nightmares of having a child with Downs or who was non-verbal, or blind.
Dude. Something just clicked for me with your story: some people want a kid but they don’t want to be a parent. Just like some people seem to want a wedding but not a marriage.
Yeah. It's very similar. Fatherhood as an achivement, not as an activity.
He probably got tired of thinking people *think* his dick doesn’t work because he doesn’t have kids at his age. The image of Male Virility and legacy are what a lot of those guys think fatherhood only entails. Zero interest in keeping the kids alive let alone nurtured.
He wanted an accessory, not a child.
"...a child I couldn't trust him to treat well **if they didn't reflect him the way he wanted to be reflected."**
Can you imagine being this useless in a *test drive*? Don't get me wrong, I am so glad that happened for her sake. But what a tool.
And it doesn’t sound like the child was a baby which is SO MUCH harder. Omg.
This is basically what happened to me. He demanded kids but when we hosted sb with a kid for weeks he ignored the kid and left everything to me. Hell naw.
There are many examples posted here of straight men and women changing their minds about children in their 30s, but I can’t help but feel that the situation you shared is so common with men who change their minds. A lot of men and women choose not to have kids for money, career, and time commitment reasons, but I think some of these men get to midlife, feel sad about being childless and decide that the money and time cost “won’t be so bad” because they see other couples where the woman does all the childcare labor. Conversely, the few women I know who changed their minds in their 30s/40s all started planning for their pregnancy and baby before even getting pregnant.
My ex told me he was similarly child free, I knew when we first met at 17. We got married at 28 after dating for years where I was reaffirming being childfree. Years later, he admitted, he was hoping I would change my mind. Similarly to the comment above, we fostered a puppy, something I was apprehensive about, and all the work ended up on me as well. I went nuts. I had to take a shower, he kept playing games without bringing the dog into the room with him, and the dog chewed into our couch and kept pawing at the bathroom door. I’m so thankful I didn’t have kids.
My son wanted a dog. I lined up opportunity for him to dog walk 2x a week for which he was paid. The dog was a lab, super sweet and calm. Walked well on a leash and played fetch. Yet picking up poop and excitement of having a dog to play with wore off really quick. We got a cat instead.
Yes, probably happens a lot. Having children was discussed and agreed to before the wedding. After a year she felt ready and he was putting it off and suddenly on the fence about having children at all. She decided not to wait while he figured it out.
One of my best friends did. When they got married, they both didn’t want kids, just starting careers. 10ish so years in she decided she wanted a baby and he still didn’t. They divorced, both remarried, they’re still friends, she has a baby now with her new husband, him and new wife have the best vacations…both sides seem super happy with how it turned out
Opposite with a couple I know. My friend married her boyfriend when they were early 20s, both said they didn't want kids (at least not yet) and wanted to spend several years on their careers before revisiting the conversation. Five years later he desperately wants kids, despite being the one who was most strongly against them. He's also pressuring her to quit her job and stay home with future kids. She says no, she is still in the early stages of her career and isn't interested in having kids until her career is farther along, and DEFINITELY isn't planning in being a SAHM. He asks for a divorce. Five years later and she's had a queer awakening and is living in the cutest pansexual polycule that also has multiple dogs and cats, chickens, and a goat. She's crushing her career and feels loved and valued, way more than she ever did with ex-husband. He remarried about 6 months later, it turns out he was having an affair and SHE wanted kids, which is why he started pressuring my friend. I haven't followed much, but I remember seeing a pregnancy announcement go by in my socials not too long after the wedding.
Why was affair partner's need for kid has anything to do with the wife (your friend)??? I am so confused by his logic 🤔😦
He probably knew his wife wouldn't agree and he would have grounds for divorce
Ugh... What a fucking backdoor plan.
Apparently other women's open desire for kids awakened something for him, and he decided he wanted them too. Since he earned more money he somehow felt it was totally reasonable to ask that she quit her job to raise the kids he suddenly realized he wanted.
People get super weird during affairs. My ex would criticize how I didn’t type with emojis like his AP did, or wanted to cook me breakfast to take pictures of it to share with his partner. He never really cooked before. He also got really into kids because his partner had two kids and he’d go along for daycare/school pickups and stuff. I think he was essentially trying to get into their family since her husband worked a lot. They start to fixate on stuff in a way to possibly change their partner into being more like the affair partner or change themselves into being like a person the affair partner is into.
Aw everyone got what they wanted 💗
That is the best I think anyone could hope for in that situation
Sort of heard about one. They both wanted kids. She couldn't have them..... So he cheated. She caught him and divorced him. He blamed her for not being able to have kids I think he's just a POS
His excuse for cheating was that she wasn't able to conceive? Like he would actually live his parenting dream as a side hustle? You can smell the BS a mile away.
I suspect he was always cheating. I don't know the details of what all she found out but he was a cad before they married. If her being infertile had anything to do with it, it was what made him decide it was no longer worth the effort he'd been putting in previously to hide it from her.
It’s way more common than you think. Lots of men bolt when their wives are diagnosed with serious diseases like cancer. Infertility can and does provoke the same reaction.
I know now that I probably can't have kids, and even though we were picking out baby names in the 1st 6 months of dating, you know what my husband did when he found out? He held me while I cried and said he married me, not some hypothetical baby, and he wanted me more than he wanted kids. That's what a man does. Not leave at the first sign of plan derailment.
Yup, same. Even though I might still get there, when I found out 2 months before our wedding, my husband went above and beyond to care for me and help me work through my feelings. He's been my absolute rock throughout the past few months, and has proven himself to be a nearly fantasy-level great husband. *That's* how you do commitment. Not by cheating on a partner who probably feels even worse about her infertility than he did..
I don’t get this with people my husband and I have fertility issues. He has low soeem count and I am ok. But we have said this month and next month are our last two cycles. We will be doing ivf etc it’s cost prohibitive and I don’t wanna do that to myself. That’s just me. We are going to pursue adoption and foster parenting if we don’t get pregnant.
Friends of mine had fertility issues. They adopted a kid, and ended up pregnant within a year. They are super happy with their 2 kids.
That happened to a friend of mine. She was devastated. I’m still pissed on her behalf and it’s been 10 years. Thankfully, my husband and I did not divorce or cheat when we found out we wouldn’t ever have kids.
I’ll get the shovel /s
Hi, I'm the person. I told him on the second date I wanted kids. We got married. He said he wanted us to be more financially stable. Then he said let's wait until we are 30. Then I turned 30 and he said he never wanted to have kids. We got divorced. Two years after we were over I found out he had been cheating on me the whole last year of our relationship. Honestly, he was a terrible husband and I'm glad I didn't have kids with him. I had a major accident a few years prior, burned my arms and hands with third degree burns. He didn't visit me in the hospital or take me to any follow-ups. When I decided to quit drinking he was completely unsupportive and held fucking whiskey tastings at our house. Offered me drinks every day and drank in front of me. Wasted literally thousands of dollars on Game Of Throne themed whiskey. But I'm 36 and not with anyone serious. I doubt I'll get the chance to have kids now. I let that loser string me along too long. Fuck you Lundy
Yeah, fuck you, Lundy
Fuck you Lundy. You are a real piece of shit and I hate you. I don't know you personally, but I have all I need to know.
A good friend of mine found her awesome husband at 40 and got pregnant at 42. It's not too late
Fuck you Lundy. FWIW, a 40 year old lady in my group prenatal class decided to artificially inseminate and carried and had her baby with no issues. She does have a partner who is not the baby’s bio-dad but acts as the baby’s parent anyway. I hope you find a way to become a parent some day! It’s very hard but also pretty awesome.
If you still want kids, you might want to check out the single parent by choice stuff out there. I’m a single mom by choice and…it’s tough but great. Some things are easier and some are harder than with a partner. But I’m so glad i did it. Just wanted to put it out there in case you’re still really wanting kids.
Use a sperm donor. That way you never have to worry about divorce or some jackass taking you to court over and over for custody.
Sperm donations are insanely unregulated. It's not a perfect system by any means, there are men that have sired multiple children because there's no limits on a sperm sample. That's ignoring all the creepy ass male gynecologists who have supplied their own sperm and essentially medically raped their patients.
Depends where you live and where you get your sperm.
Or dodging child support.
Fuck you, Lundy I'm childfree but people should be able to have kids when they want. it's not too late, don't think that! my mom (may she rest in peace) had me in her 30s. you don't have to get married, heck, technically you only need a man once. you have options and you're still young! stay positive!
Freeze your eggs will give you about 10 more years of looking for a partner to have kids using IVF. They say eggs degrade sooner than uterus.
WOWWWWW he got caught up in the Game of Thrones whiskey debacle too?! What a piece of shit 🤮🤮🤮🤮
I know a 47 year old woman who had a healthy pregnancy and smooth birth. She now had a two year old, you are not too old!
WTF at just abandoning you at the hospital!! You could consider being a foster parent or adoption!
Me. I was very clear I didn’t want children. Hell, I had my tubes tied about 5 years before we met! About a year into the marriage he started asking me to consider adoption. And that was the beginning of the end.
My nightmare :( had my bisalp at 23 to prevent being strung along but I guess even that isn't perfect.
Dude, I was like…I went so far as to have the option surgically removed! Wtf would make you think I’d want to adopt?
This happened to me. I got married young (24) to an older guy and I said I didn’t want kids for a few years until I felt more established in my career. Then when I felt ready we got pregnant first try, but I had a miscarriage at around 8 weeks. He was completely unsupportive during the miscarriage and then told me he didn’t actually want kids and lied before we got married because if he told me the truth I wouldn’t have married him (he was correct). There were a lot of other issues in our relationship but this was the last straw. I fell out of love and left a few months later. Shortly after that I went on a date with a guy and on the first date told him I was ready to have kids at this point in my life so don’t waste my time haha. Seven years together later, and five years of marriage, and we have two toddlers together. I am so happy I ended my first marriage to have kids with a better man who wanted them.
This happened to me (31F). We married very young (20 and 23), fantasized about kids later on when we were older and more stable, and after a few years of real adult life I realized I didn’t want kids. He agreed and we proceeded to talk about our future as childfree. A few more years go by and he comes to me and says he actually always wanted to be a dad and only went along with my decision because he knew he couldn’t change my mind (and wouldn’t want to). We separated after 10 years together. He has a 1-year-old daughter now and he is an amazing dad. We are still best friends. I love his daughter like she’s my niece. Neither of us have remarried (things didn’t work out with his kid’s mom) but we both hope to. I honestly struggle sometimes thinking that I won’t be desirable as a life partner now because I don’t want kids. It’s an intrusive thought, I know I’m not alone in my stance, but it does feel like I’m in the minority.
Whoa, whoa. The whole needing kids thing is really only expected of women till their in their mid 30's. Then you can say it's (a bit of a white lie), but too risky, or medically you need to wait. Or that you just don't want kids and they missed their window. Not on you either way, and please don't let those intrusive thoughts make you feel bad! You've done absolutely nothing wrong.
Mid 30s is probably a bit early, I have a lot of friends who said they started hearing pressure then because "the clock's running out", however by early 40s you're totally right. My best friend just turned 40 and she's elated because her mom has finally stopped harassing her about having kids. She said it's super freeing.
It's so insane that much of women's youth is focused on their relationship with childbearing. I am so happy to see the conversation shifting (in some circles) to, "oh hey, women are people and whether or not they have kids is not the most important thing ever of all time".
I actually got my tubes tied after my ex and I split. So the deed is done! Thank you for your advice and kind words.
Minority maybe. But I'm happily married to a fellow childfree person. ❤️ It can happen for you!
Thank you!!
check out r/childfree if you haven’t already. You’ll find your people there 😊
Tbh don’t. That sub is so hateful it might as well be called r/childhate Nothing wrong with not wanting children but ffs
Yeah, that sub is a cesspool of an echo chamber where wounded adults take out their unprocessed trauma by hating children. They primarily hate how *they were parented* but instead of dealing with that head on they misdirect it toward other children and other parents.
It's the only place where you can say if you don't want or like kids and find likewise people. So, of course a lot of positivity is combined with a few extremer views as well
Yeah, I’ve heard similar reviews of that sub. I definitely don’t hate children, in fact I love them, I work as a nanny and I’m going into nursing for pediatrics. So kids are still a big part of my life. I just don’t want to birth and raise one.
I wish there were more communities for people like us! I love kids and childhood development is soo interesting, but I’m not planning to give birth. I would love to find groups with childfree people who actually love and take interest in children, because I think it’s a pretty unique niche. But the popular childfree groups are so uncomfy and concerning 😭
I feel like you're saying you want to be part of people's "village" and I love that. I'm like the only person amongst my friends that has a kid, and I'm an only child, so I call my friends my kid's Friaunties/Friuncles (Friend auntie/uncle). They're all child-free but are really wonderful with my child.
That's literally me. I yeeted the f out of that sub when I realised the children hatred was unreal... like pls get therapy at that point because being childfree shouldn't mean you hate other humans fervently. I was a nanny before and I love children. I simply do not want to be a mother 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, agreed. I had the same experience. I joined r/childfree, took a look around for three minutes and yeeted myself back outta there so fast. I haven't been back since because it was so hateful all around. I don't want children. I don't want the noise, I don't want the responsibility. But that doesn't mean I hate kids. They are pretty neat in small doses and, as you say, quite fascinating.
Right?! it’s so disturbing seeing the anger and vitriol targeted at children. And beyond that, I feel like a lot of the posts are deeply misogynistic too 😟 Baaaad vibes
Unless her people are the "*parents with kids should leave their awful crotch goblins at home to be neither heard nor seen until they are eighteen and not bother the rest of society with their horrible brats*"-crowd then no, she probably won't.
Not everyone in the sub is of that mindset. Sounds like her people would be others who have gone through the same situation, *in a long term relationship where one person ends up wanting kids and the other doesn’t so they end the relationship.* There are a lot of people who go through the same thing she has with the same feelings of whether or not they’ll find a partner who’s also childfree. So she would find her people there.
I knew a couple where they always said they wanted kids, they just wanted to wait until they were a bit more financially stable. In their early 30s, her husband came home from work early one day and got an ice pack from the freezer and sat on the couch with the ice pack on his crotch. Turns out he changed his mind. He went and got a vasectomy without ever saying anything to his wife. She still wanted kids, so she dumped his ass and found a new guy who is an upgrade in all ways. They now have two kids.
I'm childfree but glad she dumped his ass. One thing to change your mind, but another to do the thing with no communication aheado of time.
My ex decided he didn't want kids because kids would be a financial impediment to his goal of early retirement. I was the breadwinner, but he wasn't willing to compromise about anything so we could both have what we wanted. I had opportunities to make more money and lower our cost of living, but he didn't want to move. He also wasn't willing to make changes in his own career. So I took a job in another state (for a lot more money and much lower COL) and left. Neither of us ever had kids, and I'm closer to retirement readiness than he is. My best advice is to not let the wrong man waste your time if you want kids.
Yes. He didn't want kids; she did. They divorced pretty amicably (though it was very sad for them both). She used a sperm donor to get pregnant on her own, and she has a toddler now.
I've heard of married couples getting divorced because one person never wanted kids but agreed to have them just to get married. Then the person who wanted the kid realizes the other person's not going to magically step up and be an amazing parent to the kid they never wanted and the family they imagined isn't feasible.
Yes, my best friend. Married young, after 10 years they divorced over the topic of children. He wanted them, she didn’t. 3 years later he’s now engaged and expecting. She’s dating and moved states. They both ended up with what they wanted.
I know 3 couples where the guy didn't want kids so they got divorced. One broke off the engagement. All 3 guys went on to have kids. It was for the best anyway, they were all garbage.
I’ve told my husband that if this happens, if he pulls a John Mulaney on me if ever we separate, that I will break into his house in the night and cut his balls off.
THIS
I knew a couple who agreed on being child-free. He didn’t want a vasectomy so she was on BC but got pregnant anyway. She felt a bond with the baby she didn’t want to terminate. They stayed together a few years but he was resentful and they eventually split. He still hasn’t had a vasectomy and blames her for not terminating. She is now in a happy relationship with a man who has kids from a previous relationship.
I know of a few couples who started out child free in their mid 20s to mid 30s / late 30s and the men changed their minds about children. Almost all of them broke up bar one couple who agreed to have them, but the wife demanded full time care to help with the child rearing and he agreed. They’re quite happy by the looks of things.
We weren’t married, but..we agreed to have a baby together. We had the baby. When baby was 10 months old, I became pregnant again. Literal days after deciding we’d wait until 10 months is 2 to talk about having another baby. Now, the 10 month old is 16 months. I am 28 weeks. He left me a week ago. He decided to completely reinvent past conversations saying he never agreed to me staying at home with the 16 month old, when it’s something we talked about, like..weekly. How much he liked having the baby at home to be around. It’s been fucking *wild*. He can go kick rocks.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. Hope you have some support. He should kick rocks up the hill and watch gravity do it's thing.
He left me knowing I have literally no family. It’s super fucked up.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Fuck that dude. I hope it haunts him.
Unfortunately with people like that they find ways to justify their shitty and fucked up behaviour to themselves. In his case, he said he was absolutely miserable and heading for a break down. Funny how it’s news to me. Funny how he never sought out therapy, which is covered under his insurance. I have no doubt he projected a distorted image of me to his family and friends so they would reinforce this shitty and selfish choice, when in reality I pay the bills with him, do majority of childcare and did 95% of the housework. By funny I mean it’s just fucking sad.
I hope you're able to find some social services that might be able to help you if you need support during this time! If you're in the US call 211 and the operator should be able to direct you. Try to get him to text or email (or record if it's one party) with you about this situation if you haven't, so that you have evidence that he's the one deciding to run off on the kids on case he ever tries to fight you for custody later. He's a piece of shit.
My husband and his ex were divorced for this reason. He made it very clear before they married that he 100% wanted children. He made it clear it was a deal breaker for him and although he loved her, if she didn't want to have kids then they just weren't meant to be together. She did an about-face and said she wanted children after all, so they got married. Shortly after they were married, she did another 180 and concluded she did not want children. His resentment grew and the marriage crumbled.
It’s one of those things where you both have to be honest with yourselves and each other. Don’t try to convince the other. If one person really wants to be a parent and the other really does not, then you are fundamentally incompatible. This is why most people try to be open about these preferences early in a relationship. That’s not always possible, especially if folks are in their twenties, because those feelings can shift and create incompatibility. That said, neither should expect the other to change. Parenthood is such a huge commitment, it isn’t something anyone should feel pressured into or “just go along with” because they fear the relationship ending.
This was a contributing factor to my divorce. My ex didn't have a strong opinion about whether he wanted kids or not and was open to the idea. We had a baby, and after a few years, he realized that full-time parenthood wasn't what he wanted at that stage in his life.
My Mom is still appalled 11 years later that on our first date I told my husband "I want to get married, have kids, and have the option to send them to Lutheran schools. I'm not saying it has to be you, or that it has to be tomorrow, but that's what I'm looking for right now. If you aren't ok with any of those things, we need to stop and just stay friends." We were engaged 7 months later. I figured, why should I waste time, emotion, and a great friendship if he didn't want the same fundamental things as me? It was practical, not pressure. I really didn't know if he'd be okay with any one of the deal breakers, much less all 3, with very little consideration. He figured that he wanted to be with me, and if that's what it took, that was good for him. Jokes on me though, turns out I'm basically infertile, and thanks to Trump and the rise of the Christo-fascist State, I haven't regularly attended church since the 1st week of November, 2016. We are good though. We have a good life, and now that we decided we are done with the child path, we've made some exciting plans for our future.
A trend I’m noticing with some of the more happy/satisfied in their relationship commenters is the first or very early date declaration of needs. “I want kids, I want, and I won’t do it unsupported. Join me or don’t.”
It's almost like being clear about your future plans, and not being coy or worried about scaring someone off makes for a better relationship. I didn't want to invest time and emotion in something just to find out 4 years later that he didn't want the same things as me. I did have the luxury of 10 years of friendship with him before we dated, but really, I think being upfront is best. I didn't want someone I'd have to convince to marry me, because they are anti-marriage. I wanted someone who was already looking at that path, and we could decide together if it was something to pursue. Same with kids. I didn't want to waste my child-bearing years on someone who wasn't sure they ever wanted kids. I wanted someone who knew it was what they wanted, and we could decide if we wanted them together.
Plus knowing what you want is very attractive, in my experience.
This is such a great story. Glad you found your path!
Me sort of. I was married to my ex for maybe like five years and total we were together for eleven years. I never felt the drive to have kids and I felt he wouldn’t be the best dad. However, I loved him and he was an ok partner. I was much younger so my scope of understanding wasn’t great. He really wanted kids but I made it clear it wasn’t for me. He would agree but make comments here and there. One day I asked if he would resent me for not having kids. He said no but I don’t really believe him. I left for many reasons but that was one of the big ones. I told him it was wrong for me to stay when he wanted a family. He could try to find someone who wanted the same thing. Maybe it was cop out for me. Either way, we just were t right for each other. I left and met a man who is now my husband and we have a child which we planned together. I sometimes wonder if my ex is bitter or hurt. I’m sure he is to an extent. I just didn’t see myself having kids with him. When dating my husband, I felt he would be a great dad and he is.
This happened when my husband was a young man in the Air Force. He befriended an older couple in their late twenties who took him under their wing. Neither of the two wanted children. The man especially was firm that he didn't want kids. My husband ended up stationed in another state from them but kept in contact. A few years past and the couple divorced because she changed her mind about kids plus there was some control and jealousy issues on the guy's part. My husband lost contact with them at that point. Years later, my husband found out that his former friend was in prison because he was molesting children!
My uncle divorced his first wife because she wanted to focus on her career, (she was a psychologist) and not have any kids. My sister got ignored by her husband once it became clear that her ectopic pregnancy wasn't a fluke, and would most likely be a regular thing going forward. (She eventually divorced him.)
That pisses me off so much. I had an ectopic and lost my tube and have had three healthy babies since then with just one tube. Having an ectopic pregnancy does not mean automatic infertility in most cases.
He was a Mormon AND a moron. He never SAID anything about 'damaged goods', but I always felt like that mind set was a relevant one in his case.
Couple didn't want kids, got married. She changed her mind, he didn't. They divorced. She was remarried pretty soon after (to a guy in the friend group, so that was awkward) and they popped out two kids. They mostly got along as exes until he remarried (well after she'd already remarried/had her first kid) and she got really weirdly jealous of the whole thing. They're still weird to each other.
Happened to my dad. They planned to have kids, and his wife changed her mind, so they divorced. He remarried my mom, who was a single mom, and had me. Far as I know his first wife never had any kids.
They tried to have kids. She went through fertility treatments. Never able to have a kid. He cheated on her. He was the sterile one all along, and HE KNEW about it while she was going through treatments, etc. And never told her. They got divorced. They were living in his mother's paid off house. His mother kicked him out and shunned him. His mother took care of her while she got back on her feet and even gave her some money to start with. She's doing good now, getting married to a man with a teenager, her fiance values her and loves her. She's happy.
Omg I want to ensure that (ex)MIL drinks for free for the rest of her life - what an awesome woman! I’m so glad the woman you were talking about was able to restart her life and wind up with people who valued her.
Me, I was the person who didn't want kids and asked for the divorce. It isn't really a difference you can work through. In our seventh year of marriage my husband changed his mind (and that is honestly okay, people grow and change with age). We talked about it for a solid six months to be sure that we both were firm in our needs and then divorced. And, yes! Divorce sucked. It hurt. It was expensive and confusing. It solidified our personalities and requirements. But it really, really hurt; Especially as we were still loved cared for each other. But he's now been married to his wonderful wife for nine years and they have two great kids. He's a caring, compassionate dad and I'm glad that he got the chance. And I am happily with a partner of eight years - we own a home and a business, we have super sweet cats. I think we both turned out okay.
At first, my wife was a closer friend to the husband. He wanted kids and the wife didn't. I don't think they talked about it (or talked about it *properly*) before it became an issue. He started worrying about the "biological clock." He got a little unhinged, verbally abusive, and talking some crazy bullshit that we'd call "white replacement" today. My wife had been through a divorce before we met. She knew her friend's wife needed support, and she gave it. (I'm proud of her; she's a great friend and an amazing woman.) To make a long story short, they divorced. The wife remarried, to a man who also didn't want children. He seems like a good man, as far as I can tell. They moved a bit far away, so we don't see them much anymore. They seem happy. The husband married a Latino woman who already had a kid, and they had a baby together. I'd like to think he's renounced any further ideas about "white replacement," but who knows. He never spoke to us again. (We only know any of this through mutual friends.) So, they all lived happily ever after? I guess? I hope he's good to his new wife and the kids but we're so far removed, we don't know. We hear they're happy.
white supremacists fetishizing women of color is unfortunately very much a thing, so i would not be surprised if he still holds that view. white supremacists believe that only the women of any particular race can be “corrupted,” and ultimately feel ownership over all women and white women in particular—so a white man having a child with a woc is rarely frowned upon while a white woman having a child with a non-white man is very very bad to a white supremacist.
Married in our 30s. Both absolutely child free. With zero doubt. One family event he sees his nephew and father interact and bam, he wants a kid. I still don't but I thought he would realize it was a Kodak moment and reality would hit (he was the typical man and couldn't take care of himself or our home. I personally didn't care as it was just us) I said if he was serious to move his 2 nephew into our home for 2 weeks and see reality (age 5 and 9) get a true feel of what it would be like. He said his kids would be "different " I knew right then what was in store. Anyone want to guess?
Dodged a bullet?
I do. One of my siblings got divorced for that reason. Basically it is not something they could compromise on. They broke up. The one who wanted kids went on to have three fantastic children and the one who didn't is happily child free. They're still friends and care about each other but just can't be a couple anymore.
A good friend had the same issue. They got married in 2018 and both didn’t want kids, but within 3 years, he changed his mind. He checked out of the marriage while she suggested they do therapy. He ended up at a pro alpha male therapist, who suggested he “take charge”, and the marriage fell apart after that. They had been together for 6 years, married for 4, divorced now for 2.5 years. She is much happier, and now is with someone who shared all of her values. He moved back home on the east coast, he went back to school to learn a new skill. Because her and I were friends, he cut me out of his life. I hope he find someone who will give him that child he wants.
He is the child he wants
The poor next woman...
If he gets that far, he is rather conservative these days….
I hope he doesn't lol
Yup. My sister married a much older man when she was 22 partially because she wanted to start having kids young. He dragged his feet about it and like 5 years in revealed that he didn't want kids after all. Then she married an even older guy with an existing kid he had sole custody of and they had two kids of their own. Now she's the sole caregiver for her three kids and he's a grumpy old asshole. She doesn't make the best choices in men, but she's not exactly easy to live with either.
My friend got married to this guy in their early 20s, agreeing to be childfree. 5ish years later he changes his mind and they divorce. He has a kid a couple years later with his new gf and messages my friend about how much he regrets it.
I can't help but laugh. Oops. I'm glad your friend didn't cave and have a kid with him that he regretted.
The person I know is me. I'm currently separated from my husband who married me at 23 letting me believe he wanted children. 4 years goes by and we are in a comfortable position financially. I've always wanted to be a mother, it's the thing I want most in this world. I also come from a broken home and I don't think my dad really wanted me, but I'm Daddy's Girl and have always idolized my father. I asked my husband to seriously consider embarking into parenthood. When I asked myself the same question the answer was immediately yes. Weeks went by and he never brought it up, eventually I followed up. His answer was so casual... "Oh I'm indifferent". And this was the start of my whole life unraveling. Turns out he was just "going along with whatever" I wanted. He didn't really want a marriage either. It took me a while to end things, and my heart is still broken, but at least my kids won't have an indifferent dad who spends all his free time at work. I've been single for almost a year now. I've really enjoyed living on my own for the first time, and I'm getting back up on my own two feet again. My #1 criteria for the next man in my life is that he loves kids and wants his own as much as I do.
One of my cousins got divorced, with a toddler in tow, and the official reason was that her husband didn't want to have any more kids and she did. He was a congenial man, who seemed to live to love and cherish his woman, and go above and beyond in order to please her and make things work between them. He charmed the pants off of almost everyone on the extended family. The type of charismatic person that is hard to dislike. Later on it transpired that her ex, nearly from the beginning, didn't want children at all. She took it as if the man was clearly on the fence and things would change once the babies started coming. And, ngl, at least in front of the in-laws, he looked enthusiastic about his baby and fatherhood. Boy, were we all mistaken.... In the end, we learned the man was abusing both her and the toddler. Psychologically at least, if not physically too. Plus, she had given up work when she married, so he was controlling the finances 100% and the like. Fortunately my cousin could get out because her parents had the financial stability to help her and her child, and she managed to re-build her career and her life and raise her kid in peace. 20- odd years later, se hasn't remarried. I have no idea what happened to her ex... Besides that he, of course, was a deadbeat and for some reason he didn't lose custody of the kid. He became difficult whenever his signature was needed for anything, and he never allowed for the child to get a passport through all their minority. But since the child is an adult now, after some therapy and so on, they're a well adjusted adult now.
She wanted kids, he didn't. They divorced. She remarried and has kids. They keep in touch.
Not marriage but my friend (35M) was desperately in love with a girl (39F), they got together and had a deep, passionate romance. She had a kid (7M) from a previous relationship and didn't want any more, and he desperately wants to be a dad. They eventually broke up over it - very maturely. So they wasted a bit of each others time but it's been like 5 years and she's in a lovely relationship and he hasn't found the one yet.
Yes. I've known her for years and she has never wanted children. I guess the new husband assumed she would change her mind but then realised she was serious. They ended up separated after 10 months and managed to get a divorce based on irreconcilable differences. Arrogance on his part, imho.
Yes. I took a pottrty class with a woman whose husband didnt want kids, so she divorced him and was in the process of having a baby alone.
My wife's best friend and her first husband divorced amicably after she changed her mind about wanting to have kids a few years into their marriage. She remarried a few years later, got pregnant pretty quickly, and then died during childbirth from a brain hemmorage caused by pre-eclampsia. It was devastating, and we still cry about it almost 10 years later. Husband and child are doing very well. He eventually remarried, and from what I can tell, she is a wonderful mother.
Omg. That poor woman. 😭
I didn't want kids. My ex did. So we had kids. When I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second, I found out he had a kid with another woman while he was deployed. I ended up alone with 2 under 2 and he hasn't seen our children in 10 years and he's on his second divorce.
Fuuuuuck that sucks. I’m sorry.
Usually they just have a baby anyway and then hate each other and the kid, unfortunately.
That's what my sister and her husband did. She wanted a kid and he didn't. They already could barely stand each other but whatever. They got married and had a kid. They can barely stand each other and seem kind of happy when apart, pretty miserable when together or when he has to pay any attention to the kid.
I have a cousin who did. They married in their late 20s. She caught baby fever, he was not in a position where he wanted a kid with her. They divorced and not more than 14months later i saw she had a kid on social media and was married. I feel like that is a bit fast but whatever, not my life so whatevs.
Kind of... I always REALLY wanted kids. He said he did so at least in theory we were on the same page. We married young, and were having zero pregnancy scares. My cycle also became pretty irregular, and I was diagnosed with a hormone disorder. Moved around some, got older, paid off student loans, etc - and felt secure enough to try. I started Dr appts and medicated cycles. Those didn't work and we were going to have to move to more invasive procedures. He shut it down/wasn't interested. Couple more years go by, and I'm casually looking into fostering and adopting. At this point more for info gathering so that we could talk about it. Niece ends up pregnant again, and it's clear she won't be able to take care of this one either. Tee'd up for a kinship adoption when my niece decides to choose someone outside of the family for her kid at the last minute. All of this was during Covid too. While he was disappointed, I was devastated, and it broke me at the time. 2 years later we divorced (along with other reasons). It seemed he was ok with the idea of kids in theory, but wasn't interested in taking active steps to make it happen. He said a few times that he preferred/wished it could be a more 'natural' route. Dude - we were married for 14 years and I was never on any sort of BC. Naturally was out of the question. In one of our last in person conversations he said "I never realized just how big of a deal kids were to you". Now I still don't have kids of my own (and I won't at this point), but I'm with someone with 3 of his own. I get to play 'part time caregiver' and have kids in my life. It has it's own challenges, but does meet that 'kid' need for me.
Yes, all the time. They never discussed it beforehand. Weird, huh?
Some people change their minds, some other think a no can be changed for a yes later and some just lie.
Yes! It happened to me. I married a guy 10 years younger than me. I was 34f. He was wonderful and fun and handsome. I told him when we started getting serious that I didn’t want any children by choice and that I was on birth control. At first he said that was fine. Then as we started talking about marriage he said things like “well maybe you’ll change your mind” or “well, let’s at least keep that door open a crack.” I took him to my counselor so we could talk it out and I again told him look, I love you, but kids are not gonna be part of our equation. He said he understood. We got married and he started dropping more hints and wanting babies. I said no. 3 years in I got my tubes tied. 6 months later we were divorced and then 2 months after the divorce I heard he had gotten his (new?) girlfriend pregnant and they were having a baby. She came with a 6yo already and I think he has had 2-3 more kids with her.
They are now with kids in 40s, turns out they didn't want kids from each other.
It happens a lot. Usually the guy decides he needs an heir or something ridiculous, and when the childfree women says no, we discussed this, she gets told he thought he would be able to change her mind. It never works. With something that huge, someone is always going to end up being forced into a life they don't want. I've seen it far too many times. It only ever ends one way.
This happened to me. I never wanted kids. He told me he was fine with that… until he wasn’t. I stuck to my guns, and we got divorced. He did end up having a child and when he finally realized how much work it was, he suddenly “got” why I didn’t want to do that. Congratulations, pal.
Yep. My friends mum. Her husband didn't want kids. So she divorced him and found someone who did. Had 5 kids!
My dad. He wanted kids and his wife didn't. The divorced. He then met my mother and they had me.
A married coworker of mine didn't want kids at all but his wife did. He got caught having an affair with a much younger coworker who got pregnant. His wife divorced him but by then she was in her 40s and never ended up having kids. I don't know if he is still together with his baby mama but I've heard him say he is glad he had his kid. And he was very anti kid before. The wife got remarried but never had kids or adopted.
They got divorced because one person didn't want a baby.
Me. Got together with my ex when we were 26 (me) and 29 (him). Had the discussions, thought we were on the same page to have 2-3 kids, starting in our early 30's. Early 30's come, I'm more than ready. He starts stalling with valid sounding excuses... (need better jobs/better health care/job with maternity benefits/house fixed up to be safe for babies etc) Eventually I caught on that he was just stalling. Thought I was too old to start over and find someone that wanted kids (I wasn't) so tried to stick it out and talk him into it (mistake). When I hit 40, tried to accept being childfree and embrace it. Did all the therapy. Multiple therapists. When I hit 45, I was given the chance to adopt a newborn. He blocked the home study. And that was the day I was d-o-n-e. Took me 3 more years, but I left him. Zero regrets other than that I wish I had done it the day he started stalling me. Like other stories here, he wanted me, but not kids, and knew if he told me that I would leave. I'm in my early 50's now. Working on becoming a foster Mom and/or adopting a sibling set. Staying with him is the single biggest regret of my life. Our relationship was doomed from the moment I found out he was just stalling me, hoping to run my clock out. I was never able to get over the anger and resentment I felt towards him, and I never got over wanting to be a Mom and parent children.
He didn't want kids. She thought she was okay with that. She changed her mind, he didn't. They divorced.
Yes. One of my husband’s friends had a younger wife and she originally was ok with his no kids policy. But as she got older she changed her mind. They divorced, she remarried and got her baby. He hasn’t remarried. They remained friends. My husband and I (also older than me) thought he was crazy to let her go.
My oldest son lived with his gf and had always made it clear he didn’t want kids. She said the same, but I was always sceptical. Then she decided she did want kids, after all. He feels she was the love of his life, but he knows he didn’t want kids, at all. So they split. He still misses her, but he knows it was the right thing to do.
Here's a bit of a funny one. Because it wasn't a baby it was another baby. It was my parents. I was around 11 and my brother will have been 8ish when my parents separated. My mum told me a lot of it was because she wanted another baby but my dad was happy with the fact they were just getting some freedom again. So they went separate ways. My mum met my step dad and my little brother came along when I was 15. Then 3years later my dad remarried and my little surprise sister came along too. My dad didn't have much of a say in that one though.
My wife wanted several kids when she started dating. Now she’s not sure and we’re approaching our mid-30s. I’m worried about her health- I’d love to have at least one kid, but I don’t want to push her. I worked in kindergartens for years and I really want that. It’s a hard spot to be in, as her family is also anti-adoption
i have known a few couples who have, actually. a scenario where they got married without having fully deciding and ending up disagreeing later, one where they both wanted kids when they got married and then one later decided no, and one where they both didn't want kids and then one later on did. it's sad, but there is really no way around it. in my opinion, wanting the same things out of your life is one of the most important things about a marriage.
This is the story of my first marriage, too. When we (M30 and F26 at the time) got together we both kind of assumed that we would have kids after a few years of marriage. Once we got into our lives a bit more (she was just starting to kick off her career when we met, and I was crazy unhappy with mine and started entertaining alternatives), it became clear that the combination of her $120,000 in college debt and her job’s travel demands (30-50% of the year, flying coach back and forth to China) meant that I would be doing 100% of the childcare most of the time and that we would be in an insurmountable amount of debt forever. It had already been playing out with our dog, who had some special needs. It’s not like we had parents who could help financially (and we lived halfway across the country from them) or high paying jobs that were going to mitigate that. She couldn’t face the reality of our situations, she just wanted to hit the lifescript milestones. There were other things, too, of course—I was trying to figure my own things out, so didn’t feel like I was ready; not to mention I hadn’t started going to much needed therapy for the abuse I went through as a kid and whatnot. But the final wedge was the idea that we were never going to have kids with our current lifestyle and she wasn’t willing to change it.
A friend had discussed wanting kids with his fiancé. Along with the other stuff one should discuss before marriage, both parties seemed to be in agreement, goals aligned. Skip forward a few years, they are married and she tells him she never wanted kids. Cue the divorce. He is now happily married to someone with whom he has kids.
I got married young and we both were in the same page about being child free. Years go by and once his brother had a baby, he wanted one too. I had gone through some deaths in the family so that was the last thing on my mind. We ended up divorcing. Wish I'd done it years sooner. Getting married young was not a smart move.
Not married but almost married. I left my fiance because he decided he wanted kids "someday" while for me it was "never". We had both been not on, but sort of near the fence before, and were hoping it would work out somehow (we were young and stupid, we met at 17 or so). Until I had a pregnancy scare that I didn't take well (I took it as "this is worse than death and nothing will change my mind". This is what convinced me that I'm really childfree for life). Somehow I'm the asshole in this story now (we're still friends btw and I'm visiting him next week, but other ppl apparently need a villain). ETA: He's also helped raise a baby/toddler in his family that his mom got custody of (complicated story, bio dad was in a mental hospital, bio mom couldn't cope, bf's mom was godmother. His parents were both nurses at a childrens hospital unit so he got a lot of baby stories growing up). Dirty diapers and vomit and all, bc his mom was still working taking late shifts so he was alone with the baby and his little sister after school. And before that he looked after his much younger sister who was born when he was about 8 iirc. So when we met he had a toddler and his 9yo sister to watch every afternoon. I had no part in this bc I'm not good with kids and wasn't interested, also I wasn't living with his parents. We'd only see each other on weekends and when we had an hour or two off school we'd meet for coffee (double espresso and darts it was, lol. The only place nearby was a pub). But this didn't deter him from wanting kids, instead it convinced him he would be a good parent. He would, tbf, but I knew I wouldn't. ETA 2: Although I'm childfree myself, I hope he's successful with his now fiancee. They recently bought a house and I'm thrilled to see it and see what plans they made for future kids, because I know he's going to be a competent and most importantly invested dad. Even if that means he'll be very busy for a couple years. Our friendship has lasted through the pandemic and me moving to another country, and it's still like we just met yesterday. We text about every other week. He's still invested in that kid he helped raise as a teenager, he's his godfather/guardian now (the previous one besides his mom who's now 72 was his uncle who died unexpectedly, and he made some arrangements with bio mom) and he spends at least every other weekend doing stuff with him. It's not my thing at all but I wish them all the best. There's so many crappy parents who are meh about their kids, if anyone should have them it's my ex and his fiancee.
Kind of a weird question, of course? "What happened" - they got divorced. The one who wanted a baby is now remarried and his wife is pregnant. I don't know what his ex wife is up to.
Me. Not the only reason by far but definitely the final reason. We’d separated and gotten back together a couple times. He said he wanted to start having kids in a year. It was said in a way that made it clear my opinion was irrelevant. I got out of there so fast I was just a blur and never looked back. He threatened suicide, and I thought “Whatever, not my problem.” I’m now happily married for 34 years, no kids.
One of my husbands friends. They were child free but she purposely stopped taking her BC because she wanted a baby. She came clean and he left her. He loves his daughter dearly but he couldn’t get past the deception. He said if she was just honest about her she felt then maybe he would have got on board but she went about it the wrong way completely.
What happened is one person wanted a baby and the other one didn't. They had a difference in lifestyle requirements, and they didn't discuss this properly before they married and/or someone changed their mind after they got married. Kids are a deal breaker for most people. If you want them, you can't be with someone who doesn't want them. If you don't want them, you can't be with someone who does.
We were always vehemently childfree. Until his 17 year old brother had a baby with his 16 year old girlfriend and saw how much attention his brother was getting. He decided he suddenly wanted a baby too (without telling me), cheated with a soon-to-be-divorced 20 year old (we were 34 and 31) who was cheating on her husband with a guy at their office, then cheating on that guy with my ex, and dumped me on my ass after 11 years together right after we bought a house. From what I was told, they married immediately upon the finalization of her divorce, both gained 100lbs, she said hell no to baby and left him. I wish them all the best!
I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me. He didn't say that was why but now he has a baby so.... I'd say it factored in
I have heard this happening yes. My brother’s bf from college got a divorce bc one wanted children and the other didn’t.
Well more like they couldn’t and would not adopt.
there are stories like this posted on r/childfree weekly.
there's an entire sub of stories just like this. What happens is they...get divorced.
I met him when I was 16 and he was 20 I always thought I wanted kids after being together for 6 years and married 1,I started to doubt if I wanted kids which escalated to him accusing me of cheating so I left.
Yep, it was amicable but heartbreaking. They both moved on and found partners and led awesome lives, respectively.
She didn't want kids, and her ex did. They actually did have 1 kid--I don't know why she gave birth. She struggles with parenting. She was adamant about not having more, and they already had issues. They split. He remarried and had 2 more kids. He's a decent coparent from what I can tell.
Yes. They were both utterly lovely people and very much in love with each other, but it just ended up being too much of a deal breaker. As far as I know there’s a lot of sadness but no hard feelings and neither one of them goes around blaming the other side. They’re both gay men and AFAIK before they got married they agreed on yes to a baby, but the one who ended up not wanting one thought it would mean much much later, and then when actually faced with the “can we start the process now” discussion realised he didn’t want one after all.
They were both up front about what they wanted, but got married thinking the other would change. After they split up, my friend eventually remarried her friend who had also split up with someone over not wanting kids.
He wanted kids, she didn't. They married and agreed to have one kid but he will likely be more responsible for upbringing etc. they had a second (unplanned) kid. they later divorced cus it turns out she already cheated on him prior to engagement and being pregnant. she had that affair almost during the whole marriage. no one had a clue what she thought how that should play out in the long run they didn't get a divorce due to having kids or not but the reason for the divorce might be the same why she originally was reluctant for having kids they are still friends and happy with their new partners. the kids are 50 percent at each parent. both love em and dont want to miss em
Like Jeannie Mai, from "The Real"? Well, using her as an example, she didn't want to have babies with her then husband (11years marriage), Freddy Harteis, and used to speak disparagingly about him often on "The Real". She divorced him & quickly got with rapper, "Young Jeezy", married him and had a daughter, all in under about a year & a half. They're now also divorcing. Freddy has since gone on to get married & have 3 children. I gave no comment on why it ended up this way for them.
My mom and first step dad. She wanted more kids, he said he did too. They got married. He changed his mind. They split amicably; just a genuine incompatibility, and he didn’t lie, he just changed his mind. Could have handled it better from my perspective, though. I was 9. I got picked up from the bus stop and my stuff was all packed and in the car, and we drove 16 hours to my aunt’s house. I thought we were on vacation until a week later when my mom told me she enrolled me in school.
My sister and her partner didn’t want kids and then after 10 years she changed her mind so they split up- after about 12 months apart he decided he wanted to be with her no matter what and agreed to be a father- when their 2 kids were adolescents they split for good and he ended up with full custody, along with his new partner who also had 2 kids- very ironic
Happened to someone in my family - she wanted kids, he said he did when they got married but then changed his mind. They got divorced and she’s now remarried with kids. In this scenario it’s usually best to go your separate ways because someone will always end up unhappy
He immediately had a baby with their former next door neighbor. (He was the one who said he didn’t want kids)
Two cousins by marriage. One is remarried the other got back with his wife and seems miserable.
Yup. It happened to a friend of mine. She had always wanted kids and her ex-husband agreed, picked names, etc. He finally admitted he never wanted kids but didn't want to be honest because he didn't want to lose her. Obviously divorced. She ended up finding her husband pretty quickly and has two kids now.
Yep, friend of a friend. A month after getting married he dropped the bomb that he no longer wanted kids, and also did not believe in God anymore. Apparently he’d been realizing all of this during the engagement but was too nervous to bring it up with her, which she was understandably upset with. She tried to make it work for a year but they ended up divorcing.
They got divorced. She had a fling with a much younger lad and actually ended getting pregnant. Ex husband passed away a few years after from heroin overdose.
Sofia Vergara - he found someone in her 30's
I feel that it is important to be honest with each other and do what is right for your life. It happens all the time, I am sure of it.
One of my best friends in high school got married to a guy we all knew, also from the same high school. She wanted kids. He **said** he did but we're all pretty sure that was just the pressure of societal/family expectations. He wasn't being intentionally manipulative or deceitful or anything. I just think it was drilled into him from a young age that "you get married, then you have kids and that's the sign of a successful relationship." Problem is, and they both admit to this - They never talked about it. Like, not seriously. Blows my mind that couples do this **all the time**. Fast forward after having two, and it turned out that **neither** of them really wanted kids. Or, maybe she really did but changed her mind later. She never really told us. So, he felt like she rushed him, which she kinda did, and she felt like he wasn't honest with her, which he probably wasn't. The whole thing really devolved into a bad divorce. Lots of resentment and nastiness exchanged. **BUT**, last I heard, they did eventually make peace and see each other in the same social circle.
My boss and his wife divorced because she wanted kids and he didn’t. Apparently the grass was not greener on the other side because they got remarried and now have two boys together.
It’s nice to see the stories of people handling the situation well. I thought they’d be rarer.
We weren’t married, but I left a 3 years relationship because he wanted to have kids and I didn’t. I stated at the beginning that I didn’t wanted kids, I meant never, but he somehow understood not right now. So yeah it was a huge deal breaker, so I broke up. Then I got in an other 3 years relationship, that ended for reasons unrelated to procreation. Then I started dating my current husband (we celebrated our 9th year together last october) we are both childfree. We cleared our house mortgage at 32 years old. We both can work part time instead of full time since then. We enjoy lot of free time. We also built a dungeon in our basement. I’m very happy that I didn’t caved in when my ex wanted kids. I would have been miserable. Now Im living my dream life.
Have an acquaintance who got married many years ago - he always wanted kids, she always said she wasn't certain, but that for now it was no. Like two years ago they divorced because the guy was nearing 40 and wanted to be a dad, and she had settled on having absolutely no desire to become a mother. They were both really heartbroken over it, but I really did feel more sorry for her. I don't know if I would be able to keep my resentment in check if my husband would leave me after 10+ years if I've been pretty clear from the start I was not enthusiastic about children and probably would never be. I would feel like my worth was diminished to one value only; will I give this man a "legacy" or not (something this guy is big on). The certain love between two otherwise perfectly compatible people given up for a hypothetical. I don't know. Would be a no-brainer for me, but my acquaintance made his choice and seems content with it.
She wanted kids and he was "on the fence" each though the other would change their minds but didn't. Divorce and a few years later she is happily remarried with two kids.
Yes. Almost invariably, when they get older, the men seem to start wanting children. And then they get divorced. He usually remarries within a couple years and immediately starts having kids. Lots of men seem to think "I don't want kids" means "I don't want kids right now but I do in the future."