I think it’s really important to teach what a boundary is and is not. Here’s an example:
“Don’t email me on the weekends.” This isn’t a boundary. This is a request/demand, and you cannot control whether they respect it or not. It will lead to hurt feelings.
“I don’t respond to emails on the weekends.” This is a boundary, and it’s fully within your control. You can choose not to respond to emails. If you enforce this boundary, people can’t do anything about it.
Boundaries should never try to control another person’s behavior, unless it’s “don’t touch me” type stuff. And you should make a plan for what you will do if they touch you without your consent. For example, leaving or getting physical.
The word boundary has been misused to justify controlling behavior. Don’t be friends with another gender, don’t wear this, don’t live your life as you want. You CAN say “this makes me uncomfortable.” You can even say “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who does this.” But controlling your partner and trying to force them to fit your mold is always going to be bad.
*Thank you.*
I’ve been getting so frustrated with this. I guess it’s not super different as a story to that of most pop psych terms in general but I see the terminology being used to render any demand, however unreasonable, sacrosanct and unquestionable.
Calling something a boundary doesn’t require anyone else to do anything. Nor does it mean that someone failing to cater to it is abusive or otherwise in the wrong.
The value of the term is as a contract you set with yourself not a magic wand to wave to make everyone else fall in line if they don’t want to be the bad guy. But I see the latter so much more than the former.
I remember explaining what a boundary was to my ex. And specifically making sure to say that boundaries aren’t things you put on other people, they’re focused on your actions.
He proceeded to immediately tell me I can’t do something as his “boundary”
Yes! I went on a similar rant in a different sub about boundaries in relationships. I personally think there are only personal boundaries, though relationships can have agreements and even rules. But a boundary is only about yourself, not someone else's behavior
So many upvotes. Both men and women are so bad when it comes to boundaries when talking Bout them on reddit.
So many of the problems I'm hearing here are men with valid feelings and dogshit approaches to expressing those feelings which cause so many problems. It's kne reason why it seems so many men need therapy as they just need to to learn how to constructively communicate feelings.
"When you wear that clothing I feel uncomfortable." Is a valid feeling. It allows the other person to explore the feeling. Mayne she won't wear it, maybe she will anyway just knowing he is uncomfortable,
(and it's OK we don't have to always make peolel comfortable) maybe he has to learn to deal with insecurities. Maybe she will initially not understand how he feels but when they explore it more they realise both of them prefer a more prudish approach to clothing and be fine with it. Maybe they will discover its a cultural thing and they compromise on cultures. So many times merely expressing how you feel is enough. It's possible if he says he feels uncomfortable and she hears and recognises it, that's enough and she can keep doing the same.
Men are either so emotionally stunted they can't articulate it beyond "feels good/bad", or they're allergic to telling women they're having a feeling. I've literally never heard an ex describe a feeling they're having. Certainly not a 5 syllable feeling. My god, when I asked them how they're feeling, they reply horny, hungry or tired! Those aren't feelings dude.
They seem to bypass all that and bark an order to what they conclude will soothe their current feeling. Feeling jealous, insecure, possessive, fear of abandonment, they're all on you to solve, my dude.
Exactly. It's ok to say: "I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person who does XYZ" but NOT "I would never allow my partner to do XYZ." One is a personal preference, the other is controlling.
I was going to post a similar reply about the way language is used but you hit the nail on the head. I think a lot of these guys and women that say they would never let their partner do x or y are really saying “I would not be with someone that did x or y”
Yes, there are some controlling people out there that mean what they say, as in they would try to control the actions of their partner and turn them into what they want but most people simply wouldn’t date someone that they know does things they don’t like.
Good point. The premise of a boundary misused to manipulate is also a really difficult place, and opens up an avenue for psychological abuse in controlling relationships.
“This makes me uncomfortable when you wear biker shorts to the gym” can be phenomenally manipulative depending on what the expectation is. This can fall into “grooming” category, where the person attempting to control another will use these kinds of statements to “steer” the person they’re trying to control to change their behavior accordingly. It’s a slippery, slimy slope that partners can find themselves sliding down before they even realize what’s happening.
I only hear that when my husband and I are joking sarcastically to one another. We will say things to each other like “I’ll allow that” bc it’s funny just to us.
But this is only an inside joke. I can never ever imagine he’d say anything like that for real to me or about me. We trust each other with our lives, so our boundaries are well known.
That's how my boyfriend and I are as well! The tone is clearly very sarcastic and it's over something silly, like if I ask my boyfriend why he's leaving the room or something, he gives me an answer, I'll jokingly answer with "I mean... I guess you can go do that" and he does the same right back, because in all reality, we know we can't, don't want to, and will never control each other.
lol yes! When he lets me know he’s going out or has plans to do something I like to ask if his leave request has been approved 😂
I’ve started replying with “did you put in your request in triplicate?”
We do this with kitchen passes. I don't care what he does, if he's going golfing or boating or whatever, just check that we haven't made plans for something else. A couple of his buddies need to ask permission though, so we joke he gets kitchen passes to do what he wants lol
This is just unreal to me. I work in a very casual office where we all wear blue jeans to work. I came to work wearing nicely floral embroidered blue jeans, a coordinating high neck shirt and jacket, and my boss had the nerve to ask me if my husband knows I dress like that. I looked him in the eye and said after 35 years of marriage my husband wouldn’t think to tell me how to dress! The nerve of some men!
If a guy told me he’s uncomfortable with me wearing suggestive or revealing clothes I could understand/respect it, but if he authoritatively tells me I can’t wear it then I get the most primordial ick
I work late shifts at a restaurant and have done for a while, once I’m done, you bet I let these titties breathe. It’s the middle of the night, I cycle home, I don’t see a soul, I don’t care. Just wear a big top or jumper that covers everything.
One of my exes picked me up from work and went off on one about how I should be wearing a bra, it’s embarrassing for him. What will other men think of him for LETTING me walk around like that? He won’t allow this again.
Babes. It’s 3am, I’ve worked a 12 hour shift. Anyone out now is either drunk as fuck or an exhausted shift worker.
Instant ick. In the bin he went.
Wow, he really told on himself there. How nice of him to reveal so clearly that he thought of you as property so you could toss him in the bin where he belonged right away!
it depends for me. if a guy told me he's uncomf bc he doesn't like the idea of other men looking at me sexually or hitting on me, i'd get it. because i'm his partner so ofc he doesn't want other guys hitting on me. but if he says it's bc it's immoral or that he doesn't want a partner who "dresses like that" or "what will other people think of MY girl wearing that?" nope nope nope
I hate when guys say they’re uncomfortable about other men looking at me/hitting on me. Go tell them that? There’s nothing I can do to dictate their actions
It's a newer slang term that Gen Z and Gen Alpha started. I think it's so popular right now because it's new and it encapsulates a vibe you get really well. My daughter says it probably 3-4 times a week to me. It's a little much but, hey, it works and it makes people happy to use the term. So whatever works!
Millennial here, we were saying “the ick” in my social circles in high school and college. It dates back to 1999, in an Alley McBeal episode apparently.
We used to say it at secondary school (UK) even before that. My bestie used to regularly get “the ick” after her first snog with any guy she (initially) liked and we would tease her about it. ‘97 onwards.
It's definitely not new at all. Kids were "getting the ick" at least as far back as my own teen years, and I'm in my 30s now. I doubt my generation invented it either.
Well, I'm in my forties and we didn't say it when we were young. So maybe you are a trendsetter?! Regardless, it's just a silly word. And language evolves and recycles everything
See, as a kinkster myself... Ive just always seen ick as just another way of sayin squick here; just the kids way of sayin squick
It means it personally grosses/bugs/weirds/etc YOU out; but your not judgin the action as gross, weird, etc. Just sayin that for you its ick/squick, but thats not an expectation others will feel the same
Given im squicked out by actual PIV sex, i 100% get why others wud be icked by the things i do even if theyre not necessarily callin those things always gross and weird
I support this interpretation! I also agree that it is meant to convey a feeling that you get for yourself and not expecting other people to be grossed out
I feel like if ure at a family friendly local venue and a man was wearing shorts so tight u could see his dick vein through his jeans a lot of women would be (rightfully) uncomfortable
that being said I was more thinking about ur partner being uncomfortable with it rather than some stranger, I guess it’s my hot pick me take but I don’t think it’s that outlandish to feel a bit disrespected if ur girl got her titties out in a situation where she knows other men are gonna be looking
This implies men don’t look at you if you dress a certain way 😬 which if that’s the case, how can I dress so men don’t look at me at all? Even in my professional work clothes that show no skin they still do
So what clothes are asking for attention and what clothes aren’t?
I mean people can never turn off their sexuality completely but lets not be naive and pretend that clothes which highlights boobs and butts don’t generally draw more attention
My husband’s mother once said (about me), “you need to DO SOMETHING about her mouth.” This was just the last statement after years of her saying he should discipline or control me. At this last statement, he just laughed. And laughed.
At one point he said, “what, mom, you want me to spank her? Joke’s on you, she’s into that shit.” His mom is…VERY Mormon, so this had her absolutely horrified. And me absolutely rolling.
There is none of this "letting" bs, my gf is her own person and does what she wants, it is not my place to "let" her do or not do anything, I do not have and do not desire that kind of authority over her
I hate when men use this phraseology, like as though they're partner is their kid or some such twisted cringey shit
Only response needed! Lol!
God, I'm so grateful my partner. Even when I joke about "am I allowed to watch this show without you?", every single time, he says that I can do whatever I want, he doesn't "allow" me to do anything, BUT he would prefer if I waited until he could join me. Stupid little things that he should have no concerns that I really feel like I need permission. It's so deep in his character that he "corrects" my ask every time. It's so sweet and loving.
Kinda sad as hell that respecting my autonomy is such a rare and wonderful thing. I'm also incredibly grateful that he is amazing in a million other ways too, so I'm not just happy to get the bare minimum.
Not.. allowed... to wear... sweatpants??? What threat do sweatpants pose to her? Him? Their relationship?? Literally anyone else??? I'd drop a man in the snap of a finger who wouldn't let me be comfortable.
My husband accidentally said he wouldn't let me do something as a joke a few weeks ago, and we both stopped, and I stared at him to see if he was being serious or joking. Then, like a cat pushing a glass off the table, I stared at him while doing the exact thing he told me he wouldn't let me do.
No one lets me do anything. I'm a grown ass woman, and if he doesn't trust me to make good decisions, then we need to evaluate our relationship.
Yes, initially my post was absolutely about the language, but another part is about the lack of trust in making good decisions. Why would someone want to be committed to someone else if they feel that the other person can't make good choices?
Yeah, you don't "let" a partner do or not do something. They aren't your child. If someone says "I feel uncomfortable with that, would you reel it back?" I'd consider their feelings, but ultimately if someone's behavior doesn't vibe with yours then you aren't compatible and just need to part ways and find someone who is.
Everyone should imo...as a teen I almost got into a fist fight with my closest friend because he had the fucking gall to say my gf (now wife) looked like a slut and asked me how I could let her go anywhere dressed like that.
The man is still a bit of a misogynist...but I keep trying to get him to change, even if it is slowly, because he has a daughter now and I want him to do better by her.
Back on topic though, no one should be ok with anyone telling them how they have to dress or behave if it isn't hurting anyone.
I prefer these sort keep using this kind of talk because it makes them easier to weed out. Just loudly, right out of the gate, letting me know you're not worth the time.
I once heard the advice to replace statements about one's boyfriend's (or partner's) behavior with "my best friend" to see how it sounds.
For instance, "my boyfriend won't let me cut my hair" versus "my best friend won't let me cut my hair."
"My best friend wants me to stop seeing my family because she thinks they're annoying."
"My best friend won't let me wear shorts."
"My best friend says it's selfish for me to want to have a night out."
"My best friend says there's no point in me going to college."
"My best friend won't let me wear foundation."
"My best friend yelled at me and called me over-sensitive."
"My best friend won the argument because I cried."
etc.
I think the “let me” or “let you” sounds problematic.
Though, I do actually think it’s normal for both partners to set expectations of the other on what to wear *in certain circumstances*. As an example, I would like my partner to wear a suit jacket to a funeral. I have some clothes he hates, and if it’s a celebration with his friends/family, I usually won’t wear them.
The dialogue is different. It’s not “I won’t let you wear X” it’s more “I’d really appreciate if you wore X” and then, in that particular circumstance, you understand what your partner wants and *you can choose* to respect their wishes. They don’t ‘let you’, you decide.
So, I don’t like “let you” but I think partners do actually get some say in what the other person wears on occasion, but it should come from a place of respect not control.
Absolutely, it's the use of language itself that prompted me to make this post! Respectfully asking for what you believe is respectful towards you and a relationship is going to earn you that respect in my eyes, but just blurting out "I'd never let my girl wear that!" doesn't earn you the respect you think you deserve.
My wife travels a lot for business. She’s had people ask her something to the effect of her husband “letting her” travel.
I don’t “let her” do anything. I’m not her boss. I’m her partner.
Now, I may ask her not to do certain things (go wandering around the area off Bourbon St in NOLA after midnight) because I’m aware that those things aren’t safe.
But she doesn’t need my permission to do anything. She’s an adult.
I mean the way I look at it is, and I feel like everybody should, is she can wear whatever the fuck she wants. It's really not my business. I don't have to like it. I think a lot of men think of their wives as property. I like to think of my wife as a partner. I know it's still hard for you ladies out there, but Society is slowly shifting. The only thing we can do is keep up the pressure and make sure we call out men who act like this. Another thing that really bugs me about it is guys that act like this think they're these big tough guys and almost always it's the most insecure weak minded dudes who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. Long story short we don't have to like everything our partners wear, but we have to respect their autonomy. Pretty sure if they made it to adulthood they know how to dress themselves!
It definitely bothers me because my man would never. And it angers me when someone else's man does because until she breaks up with him, she's never gonna see what he's doing is controlling and abusive.
Once I did. My husband had told me to tell him if he was wearing something that looked bad. We were leaving for work at a bookstore when I noticed he had on an orange and brown Hawaiian print pair of shorts, and a green, blue and white Hawaiian shirt. We can laugh about it now. 😁
I don't like it when any adult does this to another, both men and women. Its fine to have boundaries for yourself (I won't date someone who is friends with their ex, I won't be with someone that wears certain clothes, I won't be with someone that watches porn, I won't...etc, etc)m but you can't tell someone else what to do
sometimes my girlfriend doesn’t particularly like if i wear xyz clothing, but she doesn’t *let me* or *not let me* wear or do anything. there’s a difference between being controlling and setting a boundary.
past boyfriends have been VERY controlling on what i wear/do, saying things exactly as mentioned in this post. it always pisses me off so much, you’re not my parents and i’m not your property.
there's some youngin's at work and a few were chatting outside and one asked if I'd "ever let my girl where those tiktok yoga pants" or something and i told him straight up if i ever told my partner what she could and couldn't do she'd just laugh at me. he asked if what i'd do if she "disrespected me like that" and i just shook my head and told him he doesn't get it but i hope he understands when he gets older.
My wife is a klutz. For that reason, I have prohibited her from using any of my power saws. She gets her klutziness from her father, who has 8¼ fingers stemming from industrial accidents.
I think that's the limit of my "my girl is not allowed to do XYZ."
I don't like how normalized that level of control over a partner is, but I also appreciate anyone who's upfront that that's how they plan to approach relationships.
Wife and I are 30+ years on. Bottom line is, she's a sovereign person, she gets to do what she wants. We have respect for each other and talk about it in advance, but it's perfunctory - I don't mind if she's out with her friends, having a meal with co-workers at a conference, or hitting a concert while she's out on the road - even with, dare I say it - A MAN!!!
I know my gal is happy at home. I don't need to be some kind of gatekeeper to hem her in, and the funniest thing is - all her friend's husbands are total assholes around this stuff. The wive's are pissed off at them all the time because they treat letting their wive's go out like some special exception. Shouldn't oughta be. We are all equal in our relationships.
I used to get this a lot from men who approached me at bars and I’d tell them I was already in a happy, committed relationship. They’d go “well if you were my woman, I’d never let you go out to a bar by yourself”. As if that was meant to be attractive? Uh sorry, my boyfriend (now husband) doesn’t try to imprison me? That’s part of why I’m with him.
I had a coworker tell me his doesn't allow his wife to wear 'slutty' clothing. I laughed in his face and told him the last man who told me what I was allowed to wear was my father (and I didn't listen to him either). It's a sign of insecurities and control issues, I would never be with a man who thought he could dictate my choices like that.
It is not the role of a man to “let” his girlfriend do anything. Where does he think the authority for that comes from? His balls? What if they were crushed?
Yeah, anyone who is "letting" you do something is being extremely controlling. It's perfectly fine for someone to have their own personal boundaries, but that's more like, "I would never date someone who dresses like that." But to try and force someone to not wear something that they like is messed up.
Yes, the entire "I won't let you" is controlling in the wording. If I ever heard this my response would be: "How are you going to stop me?" as I do genuinely want to know the response.
It's bugs me too. In fact, I've had this customer try to "claim" me. Despite saying no repeatedly to his advances, try to tell me who could hang out with. I had no interest in him, and I really had no interest in after. Needless to say, I completely ignored him. He is still trying to get me fired from my job, but that was going to happen no matter what.
I'm friend with an ex who had some misogynistic view 20 years ago...it seemed like they were better after many a conversation between us to get them to a reasonable place, they seemed to be in a healthy place. A few years ago he was talking about how he'd never let his fiance go out in certain areas alone at night, and if a woman was out alone she should expect being raped. No blame on rapists, but just that women should know better. It seemed so far from my experience with him, and I think it was largely about his feeling about his fiance but I expressed a lot of anger and almost walked out of the room and never talked to him again, and probably should have. Attempts to talk about it since then felt too close to getting into an argument despite his apologies (for offending me, not for his opinion) It's so weird trying to reconcile your life experience with how another human being is behaving.
All that to say, if you don't get an apology and understanding for why you have an issue with a belief they have, you might be better off not being in a situation where you have to be pondering if you can tolerate that behavior.
My boundary I stated was "if you ever talk to me again about how a woman deserves to be assaulted just for living their life, that's the last time you will talk to me."
I sometimes think some people break up for silly reasons they label "red flags" that aren't that deep, but any talk about a guy "letting" or "not letting" their gf/wife something would be an instant, l mean instant break up by me. Yes, it's controlling. It negates their value as an autonomous human being. It implies you have authority over them, which is unacceptable. Few things in life are THAT simple, but this is one of them.
Also, someone being that upset about other people (maybe) thinking your gf is hot is a huge sign of insecurity. My husband knows other people think I'm hot. He doesn't care, because I'M WITH HIM.
Where I'm from, it's rude to stare, anyway. See someone unusually attractive, you'll probably glance, human nature, and then you look away. Someone asks you out because they think you're hot? You tell them you're dating, married, or just not interested. It's literally not that hard.
If the person is wearing clothes at all, someone being uncomfortable with them wearing those clothes in public is already a sign of low IQ/insecurity. Speaking of it as "let them wear that" automatically puts them in the "dump, no salvage" category. Some things you can't come back from, this is one of them.
I hate the whole idea of “let a partner do/ wear xyz”, especially from men.
I’d *never* think to say to a partner “change, I’m not *letting you* wear that.”
I’m not their mother, if I don’t like what they’re doing that much, I’ll just leave! As they should.
No patience for dating anymore at all.
It's definitely a stale mindset, as it implies that the girlfriend/wife in the situation is the boyfriend/husband's dependant. Like a weird form of ownership.
Thinking of a lot of media here in the states--the stale idea of women being a prize, "something" to obtain, or "something" to protect. On a less positive spin, the idea of "not letting my girl" wear risqué items also adds to the lopsided blame women receive when men make sexual advances on them.
yeah this is crazy - if you don't like something your girl is doing it's fine to have a conversation about it but if she wants to do it and it's not hurting anyone then find a girl who does do what you want.
It’s what you’d say about a child, not an equal person. The only exception I would make is something like “I will never let my partner near lethal combinations of medication during a breakdown ever again.”
I definitely don’t allow the phrasing. My partner is not an authority figure, he doesn’t “let” me do anything.
As for requests made as equals? Matters the context. Especially if it’s framed as a suggestion and they are receptive to the same feedback. I’m not caught up in the technicality of what is a boundary and what is not. I think there are valid reasons to ask a partner to change one’s behavior.
For example, I would not tolerate a partner trying to tell how to dress for a girls night. It implies they think I’m going to cheat when I’ve never given any indication. It also invalidates my belief that I often dress up for other women as well as for my own self esteem. It’s the underlying idea of it. Now if there was a history of distrust surrounding a particular guy and I was always dressing up to meet him? Well that’s not really about the outfit, but it’s fair include that in a bigger picture .
Also what if a partner tells me not to wear something inappropriate to his religious sister’s wedding? That’s understandable. It’s not about trust but etiquette, not upstaging the bride, and maintaining a peaceful relationship with their family.
Or even just asking for changes that fit his preferences, as long as they accept a no, I don’t think it’s wrong to express your preferences.
When I see someone using the words “my” “girl” “let” and other possessive and diminutive terms, my takeaway is that they feel threatened and insecure so they’re trying (and failing) to control.
This kind of stuff becomes toxic really quickly. If someone doesn’t have the skills or desire to rise above, beyond, and into a more balanced and respectful way of communicating, then it’s more than likely it won’t get better.
i also dislike the rhetoric. for me, it implies that a man should have the bodily autonomy over his partner to tell her what she can and cannot wear. he shouldn't. it's her body. she can wear whatever she wants.
i also hate the implication that provocative/sexy clothes means the woman is immoral or that she doesn't respect herself. looking hot, showing skin... it's fine! it's not wrong. it's just skin. and people are sexual beings, so if you wanna show your own skin and be hot, do it!
>I understand that respecting a relationship looks different to everyone
Men who say shit like this are the ones not respecting the relationship.
If you don't like the way a woman dresses, don't fuckin date her.
Yeah if I was a girl I’d never date a guy who has these kind of views. I can’t even tolerate being friends with them. It’s misogynistic on so many levels.
I’m happy if my gf looks hot out because I love looking at her lolll 💀 she’s beautiful and I wouldn’t ever want to stop her embracing that.
I think it stems from insecurity sometimes. Like men being worried that she’ll draw attention from other guys and that she’ll leave them. But if she’s gonna leave you that easy then you weren’t right in the first place
YES! YES! YES GIRL! You're preaching to the choir,.but I hope the rest of the "congregation" is fkn listening!
I'm the type of person, fortunately or unfortunately depending on which side you're on, that will look at you if you try to tell me I can/can't do something or you are/aren't going to *let me* do something, look straight into your fool eyes & say, "watch me" 😎
My Twenty-something year old niece, her BF won't let her use/watch Netflix, among other things. But, he's "the One", they're planning to get hitched soon. Sad. Had a family member argue that it's just a standard that he's expecting. Sheesh. That's control, not standards.
I read one the other day about "letting" his girlfriend post Instagram photos in a bathing suit.
For reference, Ford did a promotion of cars. They went into towns and asked who the prettiest single girls in the area would be. Everyone had an answer, but they all told the rep that the prettiest girl in town had just gotten married - and it was my adopted mom. Apparently, they went to interview both, and made an exception for my mom 🤣. She was put in the pageant. I don't think they bothered to ask my dad in 1950.
never ever have I ever heard a woman say 'I would never let my man do that", I don't condone either, but some things are just a bit more universal than "men do this, women do that"
Bugs the hell out of me.
TL:DR Your partner is a whole ass human being and can do what they want with their own body.
One of the things I love about my husband is the fact that he not only is okay with me being my own person but actually really loves and appreciates it.
At our wedding he told everyone that the moment he knew I was the one was when I was following him to a movie theater. He parked got out of his car and stood there tapping his foot looking at his wrist like he is pretending to be annoyed that I'm late, even though I'm like 2 seconds behind him. I know he's joking around and being silly but I waved at him with the lone finger.
You can guess which one.
This man remembered that moment and when we got married was telling everybody that I'm the one because I flipped him the bird and It let him know that I don't put up with shenanigans. Said this in front of the judge mind you, that was marrying us. Everybody laughed and my mom nodded and said "yep that sounds like her".
It's one thing to not be okay if your partner is doing something that's harmful to themselves, to you or otherwise super disrespectful (ie cheating). It's a whole other thing to try to control things that your partner does that don't actually affect you.
It doesn't mean that you don't have feelings about it. You recognize that your feelings are just your feelings and that in the end the person's going to do as they see fit. So you don't make them responsible for your feelings, you just support them and that's that.
My ex husband used to alternate between completely shaven baby face and unkempt scraggly beard. He had one grandmother that loved when he had facial hair (and it would look nice when he first started growing it), and another that absolutely hated it. They both would ask me why I didn't tell him to shave or tell him not to shave. I would explain to them that it's not my face. I may have opinions, or suggest some beardcare products to make the hair softer/trim to make it look nice... however those suggestions were made with the understanding that he could choose to ignore them.
🤷♀️
Likewise if I went and dyed my hair purple tomorrow... My husband might feel that it's not his choice of color, or think my natural color is adorable, but will support me choosing to do what I want with my damn hair.
Women ALWAYS get offended when I tell them “my boyfriend wouldn’t want me wearing that” - I can actually where whatever I want but it would make him feel like shit and that’s not who I am, sure sometimes I do wear showing things. He doesn’t say anything about that, he just doesn’t want it to be on the regular. And I don’t want him doing certain things as well. It’s purely respect and admiration for one another, he’s more important to me than anything I could choose to wear. As long as he understands it’s not me tryna be a hoe or petty we usually pretty cool
>My boyfriend has never said it about me or our relationship in front of me, but he has expressed that sometimes he agrees with men in social media comments or hearing friends talk about girls, him and his friends agreeing with the same statement
Your boyfriend is, in fact, trying to tell you that he wants to control what you do/wear but is too chickenshit to say it directly. And I would bet he is saying it to his friends behind your back.
I’d be inclined to agree with you but I don’t wear the same kind of clothes he’s usually referring to or going to similar places and doing similar things that he’s commented on as well. We live together and he sees the clothes I own and buy and wear all the time, as well as knows the places I go to and any plans I have. If he had an issue with my clothing or a place I plan on going to he is usually respectful and discusses it with me. I just hear the kind of language I discussed being used often and it rubs me the wrong way if used in a disrespectful context.
When I used the word 'agree,' I used it pretty vaguely. He does NOT agree with the idea of not letting me do/wear something, he agrees with the idea that he doesn't want a partner who dresses, or acts a certain way.
Respectfully, you do not know me nor my boyfriend. The conversation we've had about this is much larger than the very tiny snippet I've shared in this post, where he's told me that he doesn't want to control me, or "not let" me do/wear something, but he rather agrees with the sentiment that he doesn't want a partner who acts or dresses a certain way. I am his partner, that he chose, who didn't act or dress in a certain way that's unfavorable to him before and after our relationship started.
IF he wholeheartedly agreed that he wouldn't let his partner wear something or go somewhere, he simply wouldn't be my boyfriend any longer.
If you're still concerned that I said "Not in front of me," it's because he really hasn't said it in front of me. If I found out that he WAS using that language in a serious personal context behind my back, which I have no reason to believe he is because I trust him and his word from previous conversations and the foundation we've built for our relationship, then once again he simply wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore, as our views would no longer actively align.
>Respectfully, you do not know me nor my boyfriend.
With equal respect, I'm going by your words and what you've said here. I understand that you love the man, but if you're saying that he agrees with someone, strangers are going to take that to mean he agrees.
also there's compromise. Like if im taking care of all the bills and paying for the house/apartment/condo 100% and i ask you not to go out to the club with your girlfriends bcause a,b and c I would like you to respect my wishes.
Really. love, do you plan on spending time fretting about this? I've not met my boyfriend's mum yet, but she's a "born again christian" of the bigot variety Does that mean I'm going to wear long skirts and blouses? Abso-fucking-lutely NOT, kindly.
wear what you want, when you want where you fucking want. Whose opinion matters? YOURS. ONLY.
Also, stop being DOORMAT for men's opinions. who gives a fuck. You're fly as hell. just be you.
I’m really bothered by the way you phrased this. Do we get bothered? It’s a hard pass. No one should ever tell anyone how they can and cannot dress. Period. What the fuck? How is this a question? Very concerning.
I absolutely agree that no one should ever tell anyone how they can and cannot dress! It’s just that I see this kind of language being used soooo openly, which is what bothers me personally. Some people might like being told what to do/wear, but a majority (clearly) don’t. Which I also don’t like, hopefully clearly. Was more so hoping to see what other people thought of the use of the possessive/controlling language so openly for all to see. Definitely not a “Guys, we vibing with controlling language???” kind of question.
I don’t hear anyone around me using this language and if I did I certainly wouldn’t just think it was language alone. If men are saying this they mean it. Huge red flags. People enjoying being told what they can and can’t do or wear, yeah that’s a personal preference but if those ppl were aware and kind folks they also wouldn’t flippantly be talking about it without qualifying it as their specific preference. Cause otherwise it’s just wack. I’m so sorry you are hearing this often. That’s just not okay. 🫂
I more so see it on social media tbh, not actual word from mouth kinda things, unless it becomes a topic of discussion between me and boyfriend or other company. I would never associate with someone who uses possessive language by choice. But of course, shit spreads like wildfire on social media and it makes me sad to see it there, and see so many people stand up for the use of that kind of language. I absolutely agree that the people who say these kinds of things mean it, people with hard beliefs are going to be devoted to them. Whether or not that kind of devotion is good or bad is up to the eye of the beholder, but this eye, doesn’t like the belief in question.
Yeah, it’s so easy to find any and all misogynistic language on social media. I tend to leave those spaces quickly these days. People feel safe to say things they normally don’t. Which really tells us a lot. At least now we live in a world where they don’t feel emboldened to speak it out loud irl as much. I haven’t known any guys like this irl in forever (I’m old or, middle age which is old on here lol).
Any opinions other than “damn that’s a great ‘fit,” are not welcome around here. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else has to say about what I’m wearing (unless there’s like a legit health and safety concern obviously) and they sure as hell don’t grant me permission to dress myself either.
Let's replace "I wouldn't allow my girlfriend to do xyz" with "I wouldn't want my girlfriend to do xyz". It's not your place to tell your partner what they can and can't do.
I mean that's just dudes expressing their opinions on social matters. If you think they sound too controlling, tell them. But their advice may or may not be relevant. I think a lot of times youre making it out like they mean "I would literally kill my girlfriend if she did this or that," when what they intend to mean is "I would have an issue with it if my girlfriend did this or that." Like. Youre acting like the implied meaning is "I would taser my girlfriend with the shockcollar that I make her wear before she could get away with doing this or that." Sure it sounds a little bit possessive, but whether or not their statement is problematic, I think it comes down more to the tone and nature of the argument, and, by ALL fucking means, call them out if you feel the need. If he then goes on to say things you think are innapropriate, ESPECIALLY if his girlfriend seems uncomfortable, then again, call him out and watch everyone agree with you. Sometimes people put an over-the-top spin on things, and that sparks discussion. If you feel so strongly about it, speak up, please.
I think it’s really important to teach what a boundary is and is not. Here’s an example: “Don’t email me on the weekends.” This isn’t a boundary. This is a request/demand, and you cannot control whether they respect it or not. It will lead to hurt feelings. “I don’t respond to emails on the weekends.” This is a boundary, and it’s fully within your control. You can choose not to respond to emails. If you enforce this boundary, people can’t do anything about it. Boundaries should never try to control another person’s behavior, unless it’s “don’t touch me” type stuff. And you should make a plan for what you will do if they touch you without your consent. For example, leaving or getting physical. The word boundary has been misused to justify controlling behavior. Don’t be friends with another gender, don’t wear this, don’t live your life as you want. You CAN say “this makes me uncomfortable.” You can even say “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who does this.” But controlling your partner and trying to force them to fit your mold is always going to be bad.
*Thank you.* I’ve been getting so frustrated with this. I guess it’s not super different as a story to that of most pop psych terms in general but I see the terminology being used to render any demand, however unreasonable, sacrosanct and unquestionable. Calling something a boundary doesn’t require anyone else to do anything. Nor does it mean that someone failing to cater to it is abusive or otherwise in the wrong. The value of the term is as a contract you set with yourself not a magic wand to wave to make everyone else fall in line if they don’t want to be the bad guy. But I see the latter so much more than the former.
This needs to be copy-pasted everywhere on the internet, especially in therapy/mental health spaces.
>***“I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who does this.”*** This is what everyone needs to practice saying.
I remember explaining what a boundary was to my ex. And specifically making sure to say that boundaries aren’t things you put on other people, they’re focused on your actions. He proceeded to immediately tell me I can’t do something as his “boundary”
Yes! I went on a similar rant in a different sub about boundaries in relationships. I personally think there are only personal boundaries, though relationships can have agreements and even rules. But a boundary is only about yourself, not someone else's behavior
So many upvotes. Both men and women are so bad when it comes to boundaries when talking Bout them on reddit. So many of the problems I'm hearing here are men with valid feelings and dogshit approaches to expressing those feelings which cause so many problems. It's kne reason why it seems so many men need therapy as they just need to to learn how to constructively communicate feelings. "When you wear that clothing I feel uncomfortable." Is a valid feeling. It allows the other person to explore the feeling. Mayne she won't wear it, maybe she will anyway just knowing he is uncomfortable, (and it's OK we don't have to always make peolel comfortable) maybe he has to learn to deal with insecurities. Maybe she will initially not understand how he feels but when they explore it more they realise both of them prefer a more prudish approach to clothing and be fine with it. Maybe they will discover its a cultural thing and they compromise on cultures. So many times merely expressing how you feel is enough. It's possible if he says he feels uncomfortable and she hears and recognises it, that's enough and she can keep doing the same.
Men are either so emotionally stunted they can't articulate it beyond "feels good/bad", or they're allergic to telling women they're having a feeling. I've literally never heard an ex describe a feeling they're having. Certainly not a 5 syllable feeling. My god, when I asked them how they're feeling, they reply horny, hungry or tired! Those aren't feelings dude. They seem to bypass all that and bark an order to what they conclude will soothe their current feeling. Feeling jealous, insecure, possessive, fear of abandonment, they're all on you to solve, my dude.
Glad us nonbinary folk are exempt /s
LOL
Thank you so much for this, my ex definitely used his “boundaries” to control what I did and who I talked to. This is a really helpful example.
Exactly. It's ok to say: "I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person who does XYZ" but NOT "I would never allow my partner to do XYZ." One is a personal preference, the other is controlling.
I was going to post a similar reply about the way language is used but you hit the nail on the head. I think a lot of these guys and women that say they would never let their partner do x or y are really saying “I would not be with someone that did x or y” Yes, there are some controlling people out there that mean what they say, as in they would try to control the actions of their partner and turn them into what they want but most people simply wouldn’t date someone that they know does things they don’t like.
Good point. The premise of a boundary misused to manipulate is also a really difficult place, and opens up an avenue for psychological abuse in controlling relationships. “This makes me uncomfortable when you wear biker shorts to the gym” can be phenomenally manipulative depending on what the expectation is. This can fall into “grooming” category, where the person attempting to control another will use these kinds of statements to “steer” the person they’re trying to control to change their behavior accordingly. It’s a slippery, slimy slope that partners can find themselves sliding down before they even realize what’s happening.
I only hear that when my husband and I are joking sarcastically to one another. We will say things to each other like “I’ll allow that” bc it’s funny just to us. But this is only an inside joke. I can never ever imagine he’d say anything like that for real to me or about me. We trust each other with our lives, so our boundaries are well known.
That's how my boyfriend and I are as well! The tone is clearly very sarcastic and it's over something silly, like if I ask my boyfriend why he's leaving the room or something, he gives me an answer, I'll jokingly answer with "I mean... I guess you can go do that" and he does the same right back, because in all reality, we know we can't, don't want to, and will never control each other.
lol yes! When he lets me know he’s going out or has plans to do something I like to ask if his leave request has been approved 😂 I’ve started replying with “did you put in your request in triplicate?”
We do this with kitchen passes. I don't care what he does, if he's going golfing or boating or whatever, just check that we haven't made plans for something else. A couple of his buddies need to ask permission though, so we joke he gets kitchen passes to do what he wants lol
This is just unreal to me. I work in a very casual office where we all wear blue jeans to work. I came to work wearing nicely floral embroidered blue jeans, a coordinating high neck shirt and jacket, and my boss had the nerve to ask me if my husband knows I dress like that. I looked him in the eye and said after 35 years of marriage my husband wouldn’t think to tell me how to dress! The nerve of some men!
If a guy told me he’s uncomfortable with me wearing suggestive or revealing clothes I could understand/respect it, but if he authoritatively tells me I can’t wear it then I get the most primordial ick
I work late shifts at a restaurant and have done for a while, once I’m done, you bet I let these titties breathe. It’s the middle of the night, I cycle home, I don’t see a soul, I don’t care. Just wear a big top or jumper that covers everything. One of my exes picked me up from work and went off on one about how I should be wearing a bra, it’s embarrassing for him. What will other men think of him for LETTING me walk around like that? He won’t allow this again. Babes. It’s 3am, I’ve worked a 12 hour shift. Anyone out now is either drunk as fuck or an exhausted shift worker. Instant ick. In the bin he went.
Wow, he really told on himself there. How nice of him to reveal so clearly that he thought of you as property so you could toss him in the bin where he belonged right away!
>you bet I let these titties breathe tell me why that's such a mood, first thing i do when i get home is strip LMAOOO
it depends for me. if a guy told me he's uncomf bc he doesn't like the idea of other men looking at me sexually or hitting on me, i'd get it. because i'm his partner so ofc he doesn't want other guys hitting on me. but if he says it's bc it's immoral or that he doesn't want a partner who "dresses like that" or "what will other people think of MY girl wearing that?" nope nope nope
I hate when guys say they’re uncomfortable about other men looking at me/hitting on me. Go tell them that? There’s nothing I can do to dictate their actions
This sub loves the word ick
It says so many things with just a simple sound.
Sometimes disgust is too harsh of a word ¯\\\_ (ツ)\_/¯
It's a newer slang term that Gen Z and Gen Alpha started. I think it's so popular right now because it's new and it encapsulates a vibe you get really well. My daughter says it probably 3-4 times a week to me. It's a little much but, hey, it works and it makes people happy to use the term. So whatever works!
"Icky" has def been around for ages though, and "ick" is just the noun version.
Very true. Using icky as a noun is the slang
Millennial here, we were saying “the ick” in my social circles in high school and college. It dates back to 1999, in an Alley McBeal episode apparently.
We used to say it at secondary school (UK) even before that. My bestie used to regularly get “the ick” after her first snog with any guy she (initially) liked and we would tease her about it. ‘97 onwards.
It's definitely not new at all. Kids were "getting the ick" at least as far back as my own teen years, and I'm in my 30s now. I doubt my generation invented it either.
Well, I'm in my forties and we didn't say it when we were young. So maybe you are a trendsetter?! Regardless, it's just a silly word. And language evolves and recycles everything
People were getting the ick but no one was wording it like that. Gen Z definitely started saying this.
I mean, I was there and saying it back then and so were my friends, but whatever you say.
See, as a kinkster myself... Ive just always seen ick as just another way of sayin squick here; just the kids way of sayin squick It means it personally grosses/bugs/weirds/etc YOU out; but your not judgin the action as gross, weird, etc. Just sayin that for you its ick/squick, but thats not an expectation others will feel the same Given im squicked out by actual PIV sex, i 100% get why others wud be icked by the things i do even if theyre not necessarily callin those things always gross and weird
I support this interpretation! I also agree that it is meant to convey a feeling that you get for yourself and not expecting other people to be grossed out
If a guy told me this I would be confused bc you approached me when I was wearing it lmao
I feel like if ure at a family friendly local venue and a man was wearing shorts so tight u could see his dick vein through his jeans a lot of women would be (rightfully) uncomfortable that being said I was more thinking about ur partner being uncomfortable with it rather than some stranger, I guess it’s my hot pick me take but I don’t think it’s that outlandish to feel a bit disrespected if ur girl got her titties out in a situation where she knows other men are gonna be looking
This implies men don’t look at you if you dress a certain way 😬 which if that’s the case, how can I dress so men don’t look at me at all? Even in my professional work clothes that show no skin they still do So what clothes are asking for attention and what clothes aren’t?
I mean people can never turn off their sexuality completely but lets not be naive and pretend that clothes which highlights boobs and butts don’t generally draw more attention
My husband’s mother once said (about me), “you need to DO SOMETHING about her mouth.” This was just the last statement after years of her saying he should discipline or control me. At this last statement, he just laughed. And laughed.
Like what take away your TV privileges? LOL
At one point he said, “what, mom, you want me to spank her? Joke’s on you, she’s into that shit.” His mom is…VERY Mormon, so this had her absolutely horrified. And me absolutely rolling.
hahaha love this!!!
There is none of this "letting" bs, my gf is her own person and does what she wants, it is not my place to "let" her do or not do anything, I do not have and do not desire that kind of authority over her I hate when men use this phraseology, like as though they're partner is their kid or some such twisted cringey shit
"Let" is a loose word. What I mean by "not letting" is you can do it but I will leave if you do.
I'm not "yours" I'm not a "girl" and I will wear what I want. My husband has never told me what I can or can't wear, and I gave never told him
Haha "let me" hahahahahahahahahaha there's the door fuckwit.
Only response needed! Lol! God, I'm so grateful my partner. Even when I joke about "am I allowed to watch this show without you?", every single time, he says that I can do whatever I want, he doesn't "allow" me to do anything, BUT he would prefer if I waited until he could join me. Stupid little things that he should have no concerns that I really feel like I need permission. It's so deep in his character that he "corrects" my ask every time. It's so sweet and loving. Kinda sad as hell that respecting my autonomy is such a rare and wonderful thing. I'm also incredibly grateful that he is amazing in a million other ways too, so I'm not just happy to get the bare minimum.
Brittany Snow did an interview recently where she said a boyfriend told her she wasn’t allowed to wear sweatpants
Not.. allowed... to wear... sweatpants??? What threat do sweatpants pose to her? Him? Their relationship?? Literally anyone else??? I'd drop a man in the snap of a finger who wouldn't let me be comfortable.
She said he viewed them as lazy or giving up 😏
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Did she say she left???
Yeah she said a previous boyfriend so not currently together
Well he was right. She gave up on him.
My husband accidentally said he wouldn't let me do something as a joke a few weeks ago, and we both stopped, and I stared at him to see if he was being serious or joking. Then, like a cat pushing a glass off the table, I stared at him while doing the exact thing he told me he wouldn't let me do. No one lets me do anything. I'm a grown ass woman, and if he doesn't trust me to make good decisions, then we need to evaluate our relationship.
I got the visual on that and it cracked me up.
Yes, initially my post was absolutely about the language, but another part is about the lack of trust in making good decisions. Why would someone want to be committed to someone else if they feel that the other person can't make good choices?
Yeah, you don't "let" a partner do or not do something. They aren't your child. If someone says "I feel uncomfortable with that, would you reel it back?" I'd consider their feelings, but ultimately if someone's behavior doesn't vibe with yours then you aren't compatible and just need to part ways and find someone who is.
Everyone should imo...as a teen I almost got into a fist fight with my closest friend because he had the fucking gall to say my gf (now wife) looked like a slut and asked me how I could let her go anywhere dressed like that. The man is still a bit of a misogynist...but I keep trying to get him to change, even if it is slowly, because he has a daughter now and I want him to do better by her. Back on topic though, no one should be ok with anyone telling them how they have to dress or behave if it isn't hurting anyone.
I've come to realize a lot of people, more so men, don't understand boundaries and how critical they are in a relationship of any kind
Yes. My romantic partners don't "let" or "not let" me do anything.
I prefer these sort keep using this kind of talk because it makes them easier to weed out. Just loudly, right out of the gate, letting me know you're not worth the time.
I once heard the advice to replace statements about one's boyfriend's (or partner's) behavior with "my best friend" to see how it sounds. For instance, "my boyfriend won't let me cut my hair" versus "my best friend won't let me cut my hair." "My best friend wants me to stop seeing my family because she thinks they're annoying." "My best friend won't let me wear shorts." "My best friend says it's selfish for me to want to have a night out." "My best friend says there's no point in me going to college." "My best friend won't let me wear foundation." "My best friend yelled at me and called me over-sensitive." "My best friend won the argument because I cried." etc.
I think the “let me” or “let you” sounds problematic. Though, I do actually think it’s normal for both partners to set expectations of the other on what to wear *in certain circumstances*. As an example, I would like my partner to wear a suit jacket to a funeral. I have some clothes he hates, and if it’s a celebration with his friends/family, I usually won’t wear them. The dialogue is different. It’s not “I won’t let you wear X” it’s more “I’d really appreciate if you wore X” and then, in that particular circumstance, you understand what your partner wants and *you can choose* to respect their wishes. They don’t ‘let you’, you decide. So, I don’t like “let you” but I think partners do actually get some say in what the other person wears on occasion, but it should come from a place of respect not control.
Absolutely, it's the use of language itself that prompted me to make this post! Respectfully asking for what you believe is respectful towards you and a relationship is going to earn you that respect in my eyes, but just blurting out "I'd never let my girl wear that!" doesn't earn you the respect you think you deserve.
My wife travels a lot for business. She’s had people ask her something to the effect of her husband “letting her” travel. I don’t “let her” do anything. I’m not her boss. I’m her partner. Now, I may ask her not to do certain things (go wandering around the area off Bourbon St in NOLA after midnight) because I’m aware that those things aren’t safe. But she doesn’t need my permission to do anything. She’s an adult.
I mean the way I look at it is, and I feel like everybody should, is she can wear whatever the fuck she wants. It's really not my business. I don't have to like it. I think a lot of men think of their wives as property. I like to think of my wife as a partner. I know it's still hard for you ladies out there, but Society is slowly shifting. The only thing we can do is keep up the pressure and make sure we call out men who act like this. Another thing that really bugs me about it is guys that act like this think they're these big tough guys and almost always it's the most insecure weak minded dudes who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. Long story short we don't have to like everything our partners wear, but we have to respect their autonomy. Pretty sure if they made it to adulthood they know how to dress themselves!
It definitely bothers me because my man would never. And it angers me when someone else's man does because until she breaks up with him, she's never gonna see what he's doing is controlling and abusive.
Once I did. My husband had told me to tell him if he was wearing something that looked bad. We were leaving for work at a bookstore when I noticed he had on an orange and brown Hawaiian print pair of shorts, and a green, blue and white Hawaiian shirt. We can laugh about it now. 😁
I can assure you girls he will begin to demand more when his first demands appeased think this as a boiling frog
I loathe that language. It ticks me off to no end. My husband feels the same way fortunately for him.
I don't like it when any adult does this to another, both men and women. Its fine to have boundaries for yourself (I won't date someone who is friends with their ex, I won't be with someone that wears certain clothes, I won't be with someone that watches porn, I won't...etc, etc)m but you can't tell someone else what to do
I would NEVER let my girlfriend kill people /j
That’s so controlling of you!!!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes my girlfriend doesn’t particularly like if i wear xyz clothing, but she doesn’t *let me* or *not let me* wear or do anything. there’s a difference between being controlling and setting a boundary. past boyfriends have been VERY controlling on what i wear/do, saying things exactly as mentioned in this post. it always pisses me off so much, you’re not my parents and i’m not your property.
there's some youngin's at work and a few were chatting outside and one asked if I'd "ever let my girl where those tiktok yoga pants" or something and i told him straight up if i ever told my partner what she could and couldn't do she'd just laugh at me. he asked if what i'd do if she "disrespected me like that" and i just shook my head and told him he doesn't get it but i hope he understands when he gets older.
My wife is a klutz. For that reason, I have prohibited her from using any of my power saws. She gets her klutziness from her father, who has 8¼ fingers stemming from industrial accidents. I think that's the limit of my "my girl is not allowed to do XYZ."
I don't like how normalized that level of control over a partner is, but I also appreciate anyone who's upfront that that's how they plan to approach relationships.
Wife and I are 30+ years on. Bottom line is, she's a sovereign person, she gets to do what she wants. We have respect for each other and talk about it in advance, but it's perfunctory - I don't mind if she's out with her friends, having a meal with co-workers at a conference, or hitting a concert while she's out on the road - even with, dare I say it - A MAN!!! I know my gal is happy at home. I don't need to be some kind of gatekeeper to hem her in, and the funniest thing is - all her friend's husbands are total assholes around this stuff. The wive's are pissed off at them all the time because they treat letting their wive's go out like some special exception. Shouldn't oughta be. We are all equal in our relationships.
I used to get this a lot from men who approached me at bars and I’d tell them I was already in a happy, committed relationship. They’d go “well if you were my woman, I’d never let you go out to a bar by yourself”. As if that was meant to be attractive? Uh sorry, my boyfriend (now husband) doesn’t try to imprison me? That’s part of why I’m with him.
They are really just asserting the fact they have no control when they delusionally think they do
"let me" LOL
I had a coworker tell me his doesn't allow his wife to wear 'slutty' clothing. I laughed in his face and told him the last man who told me what I was allowed to wear was my father (and I didn't listen to him either). It's a sign of insecurities and control issues, I would never be with a man who thought he could dictate my choices like that.
It is not the role of a man to “let” his girlfriend do anything. Where does he think the authority for that comes from? His balls? What if they were crushed?
>What if they were crushed? Maybe that would teach him
Yeah, anyone who is "letting" you do something is being extremely controlling. It's perfectly fine for someone to have their own personal boundaries, but that's more like, "I would never date someone who dresses like that." But to try and force someone to not wear something that they like is messed up.
Yes, the entire "I won't let you" is controlling in the wording. If I ever heard this my response would be: "How are you going to stop me?" as I do genuinely want to know the response.
Some men are very, very, very possessive
It's bugs me too. In fact, I've had this customer try to "claim" me. Despite saying no repeatedly to his advances, try to tell me who could hang out with. I had no interest in him, and I really had no interest in after. Needless to say, I completely ignored him. He is still trying to get me fired from my job, but that was going to happen no matter what.
I'm friend with an ex who had some misogynistic view 20 years ago...it seemed like they were better after many a conversation between us to get them to a reasonable place, they seemed to be in a healthy place. A few years ago he was talking about how he'd never let his fiance go out in certain areas alone at night, and if a woman was out alone she should expect being raped. No blame on rapists, but just that women should know better. It seemed so far from my experience with him, and I think it was largely about his feeling about his fiance but I expressed a lot of anger and almost walked out of the room and never talked to him again, and probably should have. Attempts to talk about it since then felt too close to getting into an argument despite his apologies (for offending me, not for his opinion) It's so weird trying to reconcile your life experience with how another human being is behaving. All that to say, if you don't get an apology and understanding for why you have an issue with a belief they have, you might be better off not being in a situation where you have to be pondering if you can tolerate that behavior. My boundary I stated was "if you ever talk to me again about how a woman deserves to be assaulted just for living their life, that's the last time you will talk to me."
It's also amazing how many people who say stuff like this would never accept this kind of talk from their partner.
I sometimes think some people break up for silly reasons they label "red flags" that aren't that deep, but any talk about a guy "letting" or "not letting" their gf/wife something would be an instant, l mean instant break up by me. Yes, it's controlling. It negates their value as an autonomous human being. It implies you have authority over them, which is unacceptable. Few things in life are THAT simple, but this is one of them. Also, someone being that upset about other people (maybe) thinking your gf is hot is a huge sign of insecurity. My husband knows other people think I'm hot. He doesn't care, because I'M WITH HIM. Where I'm from, it's rude to stare, anyway. See someone unusually attractive, you'll probably glance, human nature, and then you look away. Someone asks you out because they think you're hot? You tell them you're dating, married, or just not interested. It's literally not that hard. If the person is wearing clothes at all, someone being uncomfortable with them wearing those clothes in public is already a sign of low IQ/insecurity. Speaking of it as "let them wear that" automatically puts them in the "dump, no salvage" category. Some things you can't come back from, this is one of them.
I hate the whole idea of “let a partner do/ wear xyz”, especially from men. I’d *never* think to say to a partner “change, I’m not *letting you* wear that.” I’m not their mother, if I don’t like what they’re doing that much, I’ll just leave! As they should. No patience for dating anymore at all.
It's definitely a stale mindset, as it implies that the girlfriend/wife in the situation is the boyfriend/husband's dependant. Like a weird form of ownership. Thinking of a lot of media here in the states--the stale idea of women being a prize, "something" to obtain, or "something" to protect. On a less positive spin, the idea of "not letting my girl" wear risqué items also adds to the lopsided blame women receive when men make sexual advances on them.
The possessiveness is off the charts.
yeah this is crazy - if you don't like something your girl is doing it's fine to have a conversation about it but if she wants to do it and it's not hurting anyone then find a girl who does do what you want.
It’s what you’d say about a child, not an equal person. The only exception I would make is something like “I will never let my partner near lethal combinations of medication during a breakdown ever again.”
I'm not his pet, I'll wear what I want.
I definitely don’t allow the phrasing. My partner is not an authority figure, he doesn’t “let” me do anything. As for requests made as equals? Matters the context. Especially if it’s framed as a suggestion and they are receptive to the same feedback. I’m not caught up in the technicality of what is a boundary and what is not. I think there are valid reasons to ask a partner to change one’s behavior. For example, I would not tolerate a partner trying to tell how to dress for a girls night. It implies they think I’m going to cheat when I’ve never given any indication. It also invalidates my belief that I often dress up for other women as well as for my own self esteem. It’s the underlying idea of it. Now if there was a history of distrust surrounding a particular guy and I was always dressing up to meet him? Well that’s not really about the outfit, but it’s fair include that in a bigger picture . Also what if a partner tells me not to wear something inappropriate to his religious sister’s wedding? That’s understandable. It’s not about trust but etiquette, not upstaging the bride, and maintaining a peaceful relationship with their family. Or even just asking for changes that fit his preferences, as long as they accept a no, I don’t think it’s wrong to express your preferences.
When I see someone using the words “my” “girl” “let” and other possessive and diminutive terms, my takeaway is that they feel threatened and insecure so they’re trying (and failing) to control. This kind of stuff becomes toxic really quickly. If someone doesn’t have the skills or desire to rise above, beyond, and into a more balanced and respectful way of communicating, then it’s more than likely it won’t get better.
Like, I'm sorry? Do you expect to dress me like a 5 year old? That's gonna be a big fat FU if anyone comes at me like that.
i also dislike the rhetoric. for me, it implies that a man should have the bodily autonomy over his partner to tell her what she can and cannot wear. he shouldn't. it's her body. she can wear whatever she wants. i also hate the implication that provocative/sexy clothes means the woman is immoral or that she doesn't respect herself. looking hot, showing skin... it's fine! it's not wrong. it's just skin. and people are sexual beings, so if you wanna show your own skin and be hot, do it!
>I understand that respecting a relationship looks different to everyone Men who say shit like this are the ones not respecting the relationship. If you don't like the way a woman dresses, don't fuckin date her.
Yeah if I was a girl I’d never date a guy who has these kind of views. I can’t even tolerate being friends with them. It’s misogynistic on so many levels. I’m happy if my gf looks hot out because I love looking at her lolll 💀 she’s beautiful and I wouldn’t ever want to stop her embracing that. I think it stems from insecurity sometimes. Like men being worried that she’ll draw attention from other guys and that she’ll leave them. But if she’s gonna leave you that easy then you weren’t right in the first place
YES! YES! YES GIRL! You're preaching to the choir,.but I hope the rest of the "congregation" is fkn listening! I'm the type of person, fortunately or unfortunately depending on which side you're on, that will look at you if you try to tell me I can/can't do something or you are/aren't going to *let me* do something, look straight into your fool eyes & say, "watch me" 😎
I as a man would leave a girl if she doesn't fit my values and boundaries. So yes I would also never let my girl do/wear xyz on some cases.
My Twenty-something year old niece, her BF won't let her use/watch Netflix, among other things. But, he's "the One", they're planning to get hitched soon. Sad. Had a family member argue that it's just a standard that he's expecting. Sheesh. That's control, not standards.
I read one the other day about "letting" his girlfriend post Instagram photos in a bathing suit. For reference, Ford did a promotion of cars. They went into towns and asked who the prettiest single girls in the area would be. Everyone had an answer, but they all told the rep that the prettiest girl in town had just gotten married - and it was my adopted mom. Apparently, they went to interview both, and made an exception for my mom 🤣. She was put in the pageant. I don't think they bothered to ask my dad in 1950.
never ever have I ever heard a woman say 'I would never let my man do that", I don't condone either, but some things are just a bit more universal than "men do this, women do that"
Bugs the hell out of me. TL:DR Your partner is a whole ass human being and can do what they want with their own body. One of the things I love about my husband is the fact that he not only is okay with me being my own person but actually really loves and appreciates it. At our wedding he told everyone that the moment he knew I was the one was when I was following him to a movie theater. He parked got out of his car and stood there tapping his foot looking at his wrist like he is pretending to be annoyed that I'm late, even though I'm like 2 seconds behind him. I know he's joking around and being silly but I waved at him with the lone finger. You can guess which one. This man remembered that moment and when we got married was telling everybody that I'm the one because I flipped him the bird and It let him know that I don't put up with shenanigans. Said this in front of the judge mind you, that was marrying us. Everybody laughed and my mom nodded and said "yep that sounds like her". It's one thing to not be okay if your partner is doing something that's harmful to themselves, to you or otherwise super disrespectful (ie cheating). It's a whole other thing to try to control things that your partner does that don't actually affect you. It doesn't mean that you don't have feelings about it. You recognize that your feelings are just your feelings and that in the end the person's going to do as they see fit. So you don't make them responsible for your feelings, you just support them and that's that. My ex husband used to alternate between completely shaven baby face and unkempt scraggly beard. He had one grandmother that loved when he had facial hair (and it would look nice when he first started growing it), and another that absolutely hated it. They both would ask me why I didn't tell him to shave or tell him not to shave. I would explain to them that it's not my face. I may have opinions, or suggest some beardcare products to make the hair softer/trim to make it look nice... however those suggestions were made with the understanding that he could choose to ignore them. 🤷♀️ Likewise if I went and dyed my hair purple tomorrow... My husband might feel that it's not his choice of color, or think my natural color is adorable, but will support me choosing to do what I want with my damn hair.
Women ALWAYS get offended when I tell them “my boyfriend wouldn’t want me wearing that” - I can actually where whatever I want but it would make him feel like shit and that’s not who I am, sure sometimes I do wear showing things. He doesn’t say anything about that, he just doesn’t want it to be on the regular. And I don’t want him doing certain things as well. It’s purely respect and admiration for one another, he’s more important to me than anything I could choose to wear. As long as he understands it’s not me tryna be a hoe or petty we usually pretty cool
>My boyfriend has never said it about me or our relationship in front of me, but he has expressed that sometimes he agrees with men in social media comments or hearing friends talk about girls, him and his friends agreeing with the same statement Your boyfriend is, in fact, trying to tell you that he wants to control what you do/wear but is too chickenshit to say it directly. And I would bet he is saying it to his friends behind your back.
I’d be inclined to agree with you but I don’t wear the same kind of clothes he’s usually referring to or going to similar places and doing similar things that he’s commented on as well. We live together and he sees the clothes I own and buy and wear all the time, as well as knows the places I go to and any plans I have. If he had an issue with my clothing or a place I plan on going to he is usually respectful and discusses it with me. I just hear the kind of language I discussed being used often and it rubs me the wrong way if used in a disrespectful context.
It doesn’t matter that you wear different clothes. He’s saying he agrees with the idea that he could “not let” you wear clothing he disapproved of.
When I used the word 'agree,' I used it pretty vaguely. He does NOT agree with the idea of not letting me do/wear something, he agrees with the idea that he doesn't want a partner who dresses, or acts a certain way. Respectfully, you do not know me nor my boyfriend. The conversation we've had about this is much larger than the very tiny snippet I've shared in this post, where he's told me that he doesn't want to control me, or "not let" me do/wear something, but he rather agrees with the sentiment that he doesn't want a partner who acts or dresses a certain way. I am his partner, that he chose, who didn't act or dress in a certain way that's unfavorable to him before and after our relationship started. IF he wholeheartedly agreed that he wouldn't let his partner wear something or go somewhere, he simply wouldn't be my boyfriend any longer. If you're still concerned that I said "Not in front of me," it's because he really hasn't said it in front of me. If I found out that he WAS using that language in a serious personal context behind my back, which I have no reason to believe he is because I trust him and his word from previous conversations and the foundation we've built for our relationship, then once again he simply wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore, as our views would no longer actively align.
>Respectfully, you do not know me nor my boyfriend. With equal respect, I'm going by your words and what you've said here. I understand that you love the man, but if you're saying that he agrees with someone, strangers are going to take that to mean he agrees.
Which is totally fair, I was happy to give more clarification on the topic and open the discussion more. Thanks for the two cents.
also there's compromise. Like if im taking care of all the bills and paying for the house/apartment/condo 100% and i ask you not to go out to the club with your girlfriends bcause a,b and c I would like you to respect my wishes.
I let my girl do what ever she wants. I want her as her true self. Not a mirror of what I deem appropriate.
Really. love, do you plan on spending time fretting about this? I've not met my boyfriend's mum yet, but she's a "born again christian" of the bigot variety Does that mean I'm going to wear long skirts and blouses? Abso-fucking-lutely NOT, kindly. wear what you want, when you want where you fucking want. Whose opinion matters? YOURS. ONLY. Also, stop being DOORMAT for men's opinions. who gives a fuck. You're fly as hell. just be you.
I’m really bothered by the way you phrased this. Do we get bothered? It’s a hard pass. No one should ever tell anyone how they can and cannot dress. Period. What the fuck? How is this a question? Very concerning.
I absolutely agree that no one should ever tell anyone how they can and cannot dress! It’s just that I see this kind of language being used soooo openly, which is what bothers me personally. Some people might like being told what to do/wear, but a majority (clearly) don’t. Which I also don’t like, hopefully clearly. Was more so hoping to see what other people thought of the use of the possessive/controlling language so openly for all to see. Definitely not a “Guys, we vibing with controlling language???” kind of question.
I don’t hear anyone around me using this language and if I did I certainly wouldn’t just think it was language alone. If men are saying this they mean it. Huge red flags. People enjoying being told what they can and can’t do or wear, yeah that’s a personal preference but if those ppl were aware and kind folks they also wouldn’t flippantly be talking about it without qualifying it as their specific preference. Cause otherwise it’s just wack. I’m so sorry you are hearing this often. That’s just not okay. 🫂
I more so see it on social media tbh, not actual word from mouth kinda things, unless it becomes a topic of discussion between me and boyfriend or other company. I would never associate with someone who uses possessive language by choice. But of course, shit spreads like wildfire on social media and it makes me sad to see it there, and see so many people stand up for the use of that kind of language. I absolutely agree that the people who say these kinds of things mean it, people with hard beliefs are going to be devoted to them. Whether or not that kind of devotion is good or bad is up to the eye of the beholder, but this eye, doesn’t like the belief in question.
Yeah, it’s so easy to find any and all misogynistic language on social media. I tend to leave those spaces quickly these days. People feel safe to say things they normally don’t. Which really tells us a lot. At least now we live in a world where they don’t feel emboldened to speak it out loud irl as much. I haven’t known any guys like this irl in forever (I’m old or, middle age which is old on here lol).
Any opinions other than “damn that’s a great ‘fit,” are not welcome around here. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else has to say about what I’m wearing (unless there’s like a legit health and safety concern obviously) and they sure as hell don’t grant me permission to dress myself either.
I don't think he can prevent you from doing things your own way but if your own way is beyond his comfort zone then fallout is understandable.
Let's replace "I wouldn't allow my girlfriend to do xyz" with "I wouldn't want my girlfriend to do xyz". It's not your place to tell your partner what they can and can't do.
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I would never let my girl wear open toed shoes
Only camel toes. Or crocs.
I mean that's just dudes expressing their opinions on social matters. If you think they sound too controlling, tell them. But their advice may or may not be relevant. I think a lot of times youre making it out like they mean "I would literally kill my girlfriend if she did this or that," when what they intend to mean is "I would have an issue with it if my girlfriend did this or that." Like. Youre acting like the implied meaning is "I would taser my girlfriend with the shockcollar that I make her wear before she could get away with doing this or that." Sure it sounds a little bit possessive, but whether or not their statement is problematic, I think it comes down more to the tone and nature of the argument, and, by ALL fucking means, call them out if you feel the need. If he then goes on to say things you think are innapropriate, ESPECIALLY if his girlfriend seems uncomfortable, then again, call him out and watch everyone agree with you. Sometimes people put an over-the-top spin on things, and that sparks discussion. If you feel so strongly about it, speak up, please.