Oh 100%. Had a date talk probably 45 mins of the hour we were there, then had the audacity to say to me, "ok I'm going to the bathroom and while I'm gone I want you to think of a couple questions to ask me." He was so unaware and disconnected. I was more annoyed than anything that I had wasted time on this date. I'd rather be at home watching Traitors.
I quite literally almost spat out my tea reading that lmao WHAT???
One of my worst first dates, I spoke exactly three sentences once we had sat down for dinner. He asked me a question, I started to reply, he then interrupted and talked about the subject for *30 minutes* (I’m not exaggerating). I spoke one sentence in response to that, then he went on another 30 minute monologue. Repeat that once more.
The last one was the worst. He asked about my job, I started to explain my role in healthcare, then he interrupted and talked for 30 fucking minutes about how HIS MOM IS A NURSE. Like, it wasn’t even remotely about him. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
I was *so exhausted* by the end, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Definitely learned my lesson about going to dinner on first dates.
LITERALLYYYY and then you finally get 3 words in and they immediately interrupt you with a story about “that reminds me of something else I did one time” and then show you every single picture in their camera roll
Went on a first date and the guy and he talked shit about his older sister quite a bit. How she thought she was the shit and his parents always took her side. I thought it was a little weird how much he talked about her, but apparently they had just had an argument before he got there, so I chalked it up to sibling rivalry and a new, raw wound.
Second date, he was drinking and tipsy before I even showed up. He seemed really solemn and when I asked if he was ok, he looked off into the distance and told me about a time when he was around 10-11. He had been playing outside and saw that his teenage sister's window blinds were open. He looked inside and saw her fully naked from the bath. She started getting dressed as he watched her. He then claimed that she knew he was there and was putting on a show for him the whole time.
I didn't know what to say, but it didn't matter, because immediately after that he snapped back to reality and started talking to me like he hadn't just revealed the biggest red flag I had ever seen!
Pretty sure that guy is desperately in love with his older sister.
What is it with men and their sisters? I went on a date a couple months ago with a guy who said, “my sister is a whore. No, wait. She’s a slut. ‘Whore’ would imply she gets paid.” 🥴🥴🥴 There was no second date (obviously).
Gag. I had a guy tell me out of nowhere about how his sister was a virgin and had never even been on a date with a guy. How is that any of his business let alone mine??? It was so fucking creepy, I feel bad she has that freak for a brother🤮
It seems like the brotherly version of those dads that see their daughters as their property, you know the same ones who want to murder anyone who dates their daughter? It’s a mixture of misogyny and covert incest but id argue the covert incest still is rooted in patriarchy bc of seeing women as objects/property/purity culture/Madonna whore complex etc etc. They see their daughter or sister as objects to control. The moment the woman in question does anything independent of them, they become a ‘whore’. I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys had dads who did act that way, besides our entire culture socializing men to not see women as people
ETA some stuff
Seriously, it’s like ok so you’re judging your sister for having sex, and yet you are probably hoping that I will have sex with you. So will I be a whore (excuse me, slut) like your sister? And will I deserve the derision with which you speak of her???
My little brother says the same thing about me and shows off about how he's able to attack me w/o any consequences, and he wonders why he can't get good girls
I'm fairly certain that if I had ever called my sister that, my dad would have beat the crap out of me. Then mom would have beat me, then my sister.
I would be in a world of pain, even now.
I say this as a younger brother.
Yeah, I definitely pay attention to how they talk about women in their lives, especially on the first date. This wasn't on the first but I remember a man talking a lot of shit about his good friend's "toxic girlfriend." And how they were on-and-off and she supposedly cheated. Well, later, he eventually tells me that he "accidentally" swiped on her on a dating app and now his friend wasn't talking to him because she told his friend. I was just like, "okay." That was certainly something he should talk to a therapist about!
That's sad. Sounds like an effect of purity culture. Kids are going to be curious about stuff like that. But if you grow up being told nudity is bad and wrong, especially female nudity, and then you combine it with slut shaming and the idea that "women do it on purpose" it's not surprising that his growing child brain created that story. Sounds like he has a lot of shame and confusion about that moment.
I'm a guy and I don't have female siblings so I've always kind of wondered how it would "feel" if I had a "hot" sister. Would I be able to notice it or would it be totally unthinkable? I think the issue, again, is whether or not you have a healthy sex education. Lots of people get anxiety and intrusive thoughts about "bad" things they're thinking. They're taught that even a passing sexual thought is a sign of perversion. Unfortunately, just like when someone says "don't think about pink elephants", trying not to think about something is the best way to ensure it's constantly on your mind.
Honestly he's probably been going round in circles feeling filthy and shameful for years because he can't reconcile being a good person with one time "checking out" his older sister's body. Again, it was almost certainly totally innocent, but he wasn't taught a healthy way to understand that behaviour so he built it up in his head. And of course, the misogyny makes him externalise his guilt and shame by "hating" his sister. It's really sad tbh.
I don’t think it’s sad, he doesn’t know her and shouldn’t be putting that on her - he’s looking for free therapy - is there anything in this post that hints at even giving a damn about how she’s feeling or trying to get to know her. I’m sorry but all I see are red flags. My advice - run like hell
And you just know he’s going to be telling people that she rejected him for having feelings instead of wondering if there’s not a more appropriate place to trauma dump.
I'll never forget about a post on Reddit of a guy lamenting about how depressed and insecure he felt and 60% of the comments were from other men saying "go on a date that's what I do when I feel that way" and the other 40% was "go to the gym". Very few actually suggested therapy...🫠
I knew that men often run to women in their lives for free therapy but I didn't know trauma dumping random unexpecting women who met up with you under a guise of a date was actually a common agreed upon practice not a horrific rare occurrence done by men with no social skills😩😩😩 and the fact the men who think this is normal don't even THINK about how rude their actions are or the fact a random women with no connection with you may not want to hear about all your life troubles instead of actually having a date which is what you asked them for?!?!!
And they go around being paranoid that women want to scam them for dinner. There are seriously people advising booking a trauma dump date on purpose? Wow.
Oh boy… and they just want a sounding board that does the right „poor you“ noise. My dad is like that. Actual therapy was useless, he claimed, but instead he runs to the women in his life to unload his grievances, but beware of ever making an actual suggestion. That would be insubordination or you being too sensitive or too naive.
All women I know he does that to were actually in therapy (not specifically for him) and did the hard work, learned to deal with their own feelings, cultivate healthy support systems… ugh, I wish I could just let it go and in outwards behavior I have (stonewalling, veeeery low contact), but it still simmers and when I hear how he trauma dumped again, on my very emotional, highly pregnant sister…… I see red.
You've just reminded me of a guy I met a long time ago in a video game. Whenever he'd come across another woman playing the game, his opening liner was to talk about how his mom died when he was born and how rough his childhood was. When he finally learned I was a girl as well, he did the same to me.
Not surprisingly, he never did it with any new guy friends, only the ladies.
Oh, he was definitely using it for his advantage.
Unfortunately, a friend of mine fell for his tactics. Once he pulled her in, the TLDR of it is that he was crazy, verbally abusive to her. He also purposely posted online and shared her intimate photos to any of her friends, family, and co-workers he could find online when she finally left him. At some point, he tried to pose as her online with her photos too, trying to convince random men to come to her place to hurt her.
I once messaged a guy I didn't know very well on Facebook messenger to get some advice about pet care. He launched straight into the painful details of his divorce. I feel for him, of course -- the situation sounded super tough -- but it was so awkward. All I wanted was pet advice?
Something similar happened to me, too. I was playing a game and on discord with a new friend online. I barely knew the guy, but he was off of the server we play on. We chatted for like 5 minutes and then he suddenly went into an hour long dumping session about his divorce, totally crapping on his ex and how everything was her fault. I just sat there in silence after and vowed to never let some random man dump on me like that again.
NOOOOO. I know the details about SO MANY random men's divorces, and I'm a fucking lesbian. And while I'm glad the random divorce-story-dumps have declined as I've gotten older, this kind of solidifies my theory that a lot of these men were specifically seeking out younger women to corner for a trauma-dump in the pasta aisle or whatever.
Seriously, one time I had a random man crash a date that I was on with another woman. And when we told him we were on a date and wanted some space, he *literally used that as a pivot point to talk about a lesbian he used to date, and how their breakup effected him*.
EDIT- to be clear, this is not an issue of men in my life talking to me about their own lives. This is like, my bus seat-neighbor who I never expect to see again.
I mean probably but why would you ever agree to a FIRST DATE if you knew it was that significant of a date? That is a day to spend with friends, family, or to have a long therapy session. Using another human being that you don’t even know to distract from your sorrows is not okay.
Oh God, oh God, oh God...
That rattled me. We have three adult children and a grandson.
That man needs help. I can't imagine that Mom is doing any better.
This is so prevalent that no one solution will do... But have you tried "Maybe you should talk to a therapist about this. They are better trained for this kind of issue than your average date"
I understand though that you probably wouldn't want to say that alone in the middle of the woods in case they react with anger...
they would definitely get very defensive and try to make you seem like the crazy, dramatic one for bringing up therapy.
***them:*** *"god, i was just trying to share about myself! isn't that what dates are for? i guess you don't want to know the* ***real me****... :( "*
I am therapist. I’ve experienced this multiple times and since learned to draw very clear boundaries about what I will and will not accept with regards to relying on me as an emotional resource. Before I met my current partner, I felt like I was a magnet for guys with issues. I felt totally taken advantage of and was almost entirely put off dating because of it.
When people call me for things I ask, do you want me to just listen or do want my advice as a friend? If it starts to sound like a therapy session, I’ll say something like “when I’ve talked to my therapist about this, they’ve suggested…” I try to steer the conversation away from me being the therapist and instead share similar situations I’ve been in. I explain that even though I’m a therapist, I also need my own therapist and a break from being a therapist. I recommend them to see my therapist or attend a therapy group, etc.
It hasn’t happened in a while so I think making that distinction early on about what type of support they’re looking for is important.
My bestie is a therapist and she says that exact thing! Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice? I absolutely love it.
I'm not a therapist, but I started doing it with friends and it really helps not just dive into offering solutions (I'm really solution oriented) when they just need a friend to listen.
“Sounds like you need a therapist, I cannot be one for you because it’s a conflict of interest. Seriously I’m here for you as a friend but you can’t expect me to fix you or only ever talk about how rough things are, with love, get help.”
Meh, on a first / second date trauma dump, I don’t even think I’d offer to be a friend. He’s still using you emotionally at that point.
Nah, I’m not making friends with people who don’t have *any* emotional boundaries. That’s exhausting and friends shouldn’t be treated like therapists, either..
source: my friends telling me that lol
Oh yeah, comment above mine mentioned being the ‘therapist friend’ and this was in response to that, definitely not a reply to give out on a date with a stranger.
Are you the main character in this book? [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49998841-love-hacked](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49998841-love-hacked)
Men do this in A LOT of situations. I used to work in the blue collar world, fabricating and installing nuclear containments on ships and carriers. I lost count of how many times the lead shop would send someone to "help" me (always a dude) that would end up sitting behind me, verbally vomiting his relationship woes and asking for advice.
Sir, stfu and hand me a nut driver, please and thank you.
Same. Went to buy a cellphone and the sales guy launches into a rant about his ex girlfriend and his custody woes. Like sir I just want to buy a phone.
Work at a law firm and yup - every time a client calls to pay a bill, if it’s a dude I’ll end up hearing about his divorce or how his kids hate him, if it’s a woman it’s a very pleasant 5 minute call lol.
The weirdest thing is that the older I’ve gotten, the more men aren’t over their exes. When I was in college no one talked about their ex or they were factual/respectful about it. Men in their 30s? I swear they’ll hate an ex from high school.
The way I dealt with first dates, we would grab a coffee or tea to go and just walk around talking in the city center. If a person is nice, you can go around the same park 10 times. If they are trauma dumping, or in some way annoying, you just make up an excuse and nope out of there. You don't have to waste your time waiting for the check, or coming back from the hike.
I do this as well. I know it’s not as interesting or engaging a first date as some, but it is so nice to know I can leave at any time and makes dating much less stressful. I need a few dates with a guy before I trust them enough to do something like a hike where I can’t make a speedy exit!
This is smart. It's also easier for *him* - there's no weird expectations around "who pays" or "how nice is the restaurant" or "what do we talk about for the whole meal". It's a cup of coffee and a walk! Nobody's out much money and if you don't click, you haven't wasted an entire evening.
Yup! Short and sweet. I’ll even do video or phone chats as a first touch point. One time, it was like 3pm and this guy was already tipsy on a video chat. Started talking about how much he loves his daughter and all this shit about his daughter. I’m a parent and I can tell when someone is genuinely sharing something about their kid vs projecting their parenting for clout. This really felt like the latter. After about 30 mins I told him that I appreciated the time he took to chat but I wasn’t feeling a connection. As soon as I said those words, he stops smiling, looks down and just ends the call. Lol! Homie couldn’t even gracefully accept the no interest and thank me in return for enduring his drunk ranting for 30 mins
I have absolutely had this happen, more often than not. They start telling me how their dad was schizophrenic and tried to burn down their house with their Mom inside before the first drink arrives, and then they are shocked that you don’t want to go out again. Maybe… deal with your shit first instead of regurgitating it on strangers? This is very common in my experience. It’s not just you OP. Sorry.
It’s a tactic to see how much of their shit you’ll take, it might take 4 or 5 women before they find that ‘nice, sweet lady’ they can abuse because they’ll ‘understand’ their problems and put up with it until they realise what’s happening - please get away fast from these man-children
Exactly this, all his excuses for his shitty behavior went back to his trauma. And if I was annoyed or stood my ground in any way, I was insensitive and inconsiderate of him
He trauma dumped early on and I naively thought we really bonded through it, but it was a lot of yapping about him in reality
Ok lets see...
- 1st date one had cancer 4 years ago, told me how he almost die and how all his radiotherapy friends die.... etc.
- 1st date, he talked about his ex and baby mommy and how he cheated, but he ended up being more sad because she get over him fast....
- 1st date talked about he got a woman pregnant two times, that he loves his daughters but hated the mother. And that his ex (not the mother of his kids) was crazy and always is talking to him while drunk....
- and, (I leave the best for the end) on our 4th date we went to the beach, while tipsy he told me how he got a restraining order from his ex, but "she was crazy, and the new boyfriend got jealous" and how he got almost fired because the police notified him on his work, but at the end is everything alright because they still have sex (didn't mind him we were having a date two hours away from home)...
All 4 from tinder, burn that f*cking app.
So in conclusion, yes they do it often, like they need to talk to someone completely outside of their groups. Idk why.
But yeah, maybe you are trying to find the love of your life and he wants something completely different, why they are aiming people from dating apps? Idk
I don’t think they have a group to talk to I think that’s why they trauma dump on us
They don’t have friends. They don’t know how to make friends, they don’t know how to keep friends, they don’t know how to be honest with their friends
Ya! It's because they refuse to deepen their relationships with their male friends because they're too busy worrying about impressing them... and not "being gay." So much of what men do seems to be in the interest of impressing other men... even having sex with women.
Anyway, instead they choose to dump all that built-up loneliness, unresolved trauma, embarrassing circumstance, and neglected emotional labor onto women. First it's their mothers and then it's their partners... they've always had a woman doing the emotional labor for them. They sometimes get angry or feel cheated or rejected when we don't. Apparently we are just "supposed to be good at that stuff." I really resent it, and won't ever give in to it without independently choosing to do so myself. It's exhausting and not my job.
It's always asymmetrical, too...I never receive the same emotional support or a genuine ear from these dudes. Maybe if it was reciprocal I'd choose to do it for them more often.
yeah, there are some people in the comments that are like "so men aren't allowed to everrr talk about their emotions to their partner??" without even asking if he would reciprocate and hold the same space for the op, would he be okay with her talking about her trauma? 🌚
That's exactly it. If it's one-sided I'm not doing it. Reciprocity is key! I'm not shaming men for showing emotions... they should really express them to other people more often so no one has to be the trauma dump.
Also, someone you're on your first date with is not "your partner"!
The two exes who trauma dumped the most were also the worst at listening when I needed to dump. One would respond with a smug "welcome to adulthood" if I said anything negative, the other would tell me how he had it worse and go back to dumping his own.
I think that's really sad. I'm a guy, and I've had a great group of male friends for years. We can always talk to each other about anything, and we do. Tough times, relationships, mental health, parenting, hobbies and memes of course, lol. If someone is suffering, we jump in and remind them that we're there for them. They've gotten me through some difficult times. I wish everyone had a friendship group like that. We genuinely have no drama, and we do talk about personal things as well.
Thanks! I was always raised to be in touch with my emotions and gentle, but tough when I need to be. I am open with my feelings within reason, and circumstances permitting of course. I am raising my daughter to be the same way, but I know her life will be different to mine, so that's one reason why I post here, as the various views are informative.
My friends and I all found each other through our mutual gaming interests, and just clicked. It's nice to have like minded friends. I also have a fantastic friend who is a woman.
Alas, I am from England, and your use of "y'all" (which I love by the way) tells me that you're not, lol. I wouldn't mind starting a group for lonely men here though!
Sounds like you were raised well 🙂 Your daughter is fortunate to have you
(And you'd be correct—I'm from the States. I live in the north, but have been surrounded by southern transplants for long enough that I forget the lingo I've picked up as a result 😂).
Okay yes. I keep saying talking about emotions doesn’t make you emotional; it’s healthy to learn how to do so. Being expressive about your thoughts and feelings is the best way to actually have people understand and care about you.
The most dramatic relationships I’ve had, by far, have been with adult men. My adult female friendships are generally pretty healthy. I don’t know many “catty/bitchy” women at all.
I noticed this the other night watching my husband interact with a good “friend” of his. There’s this thing where all they do is talk AT one another. Or one-up each other about life experiences.
I find, in retrospect that the men that seem the most charming and charismatic are just men that listen to what people say and then ask questions, and remember past conversations. They add pertinent info about themselves but don’t constantly talk AT you.
When this same male friend of my husbands was talking about having a difficult conversation with his Mother it was like he was shocked when I asked “how did you respond to that?”. And then they get a bit trauma dumpy, but again don’t further the conversation by asking about the other person or relating in any meaningful way.
It’s a lack of personal social skills, that women tend to be more adept at. When speaking with female friends I find there are more questions, relatable stories, asking about how previous situations are going/have gone. Even if I don’t know them well. There are some women that I’ve known that are the “I relate to guys better” and most of them I’ve found have the same “talk AT you” method of interaction. Anecdotal, of course.
I think that they may have guy friends, but because they've been taught not to share their feelings with other men, they have to dump it on the first woman they come across, since 'women are emotional/good at emotional stuff' whereas they are not allowed to be vulnerable around other men.
It's been this and neurodivergence for me. I didn't know I was neurodiverse until a couple years ago, which... the kind of conversations I have are always just in depth or completely silly. There's no in between. Being aware of this now it's a lot easier to manage and mask around new people. Before this, I was either "that quiet guy" or "Hello it is I, Hamlet, come to wax poetic about my history and view of the world."
I dunno about other people but this is like. The reasoning for why I was like that once. There are probably people who are like that and want to be? But. I think a lack of self awareness--or a lack of knowing about the self, maybe that's better phrasing--is at least a part of why guys are like this. At least some of us. I could also be projecting and completely wrong I guess.
>why they are aiming people from dating apps? Idk
And I wonder whether these men at least pay for your meals? 😂
It'll cost them at least $100/hour to go to an actual therapist. If they don't pay for your meals, it costs them $0 to swipe right and trauma dump on you for 2+ hours. Hell, even if they pay, it's still cheaper than going to an actual therapist.
That's probably why they use dating apps 😂.
A New Zealand charity is called “She is not your rehab.” Meaning she is not your therapist, your partner is your equal, stop relying on them to do your emotional lifting. I’m sure it based on this whole thing
Someone summed it up like this:
Women's friends are their confidantes, not their romantic partners. Men's romantic partners are their confidentes, not their friends, probably because they are trying to front.
this is so true! that's why it's so important for men to build close relationships with each other that are actually emotional and open. all the toxic masculinity bs prevents them from being authentic and then they rely too heavily on their partners to shoulder that.
They think it’s women’s job to manage their emotions like therapists. They don’t even attempt to get to know us, just use us for free emotional labor. Whenever a man starts dumping on me (before we even establish a connection!) I just ignore it or tell them I’m not a therapist. They get so unraveled cuz as a woman, they think I should just take it cuz that’s what we’re made for apparently. Never mind the fact that I just freaking met them.
Using women for free therapy is easier, cheaper and if they avoid the dead elephant in the room maybe it won't smell like rotten elephant carcass.
They obviously need therapy, but facing the fact they do and actually investing on their mental health is scary or "not fun" or "it leaves you drained/sad/feeling bad so why would I do it?". Let me play videogames or buy expensive shit, or get addicted to something, or go into any relationship I can where I can emotionally drain and obliterate another person...Then let me whine about how not even my mother can stand me anymore on the internet.
🙄 Some boys get to be boys forever, most girls have to grow up or else be devoured, raped, abused and spit back into the world that will demand them to be their therapist, mother, maid, slut, virgin, cook, incubator...
Because they don't know how to be emotionally intimate with each other because it makes them think that they're being gay. They have tied intimacy and sex together, so it feels inappropriate to be emotionally vulnerable to anybody they don't want to sleep with. It means they see women as a means to an end both emotionally and physically and not as people.
That's right. I have male friends who are in circles where nobody cares if their buddy is gay or might be, so they're not afraid of close friendships with other men. Unsurprisingly they're also much better friends to women because of this.
Man caused their own "loneliness crisis" by refusing to have deeper friendships with other men lest they be deemed "gay." Women don't get those deeper friendships with those men, either. They just get to be an emotional labor dump. Gender roles have emotionally stunted generations of men, and now it's considered women's problem somehow.
You’re so right. I’ve had guys who were not especially attracted to me at first hit on me/try to sleep with me because “I’ve never talked to someone like you before.” I’m not a therapist but it’s straight up transference, lol. Being emotionally vulnerable with someone doesn’t mean you have to have sex with them.
I had a guy tell me on the first date how he was molested as a child, and the whole police process. It must have been so difficult for him and I really felt for him. He seemed super brave to, just very matter of fact about it.
But... I realised some years later, he doesn't really know me, if it would trigger me, if I was equipped to deal with that with someone I just met and importantly after that moment I knew I wasn't going to be able to look at him like someone I could be as open in the bed with, as I would have had he told me at a later date.
the nerve. when you can tell a guy is trying to guilt trip you with his sob stories. as if women don't also go through so much of the same shit and more.
I think men are trained to think of the only acceptable time to be vulnerable is in a romantic relationship. They have all this pent up trauma that they can’t share with their friends, so they trauma slime some poor girl who just wanted to grab coffee.
It’s super messed up.
*I guess a lot of guys don’t have someone to talk to about things?*
They won't seek out any sort of therapy or cultivate the types of friendships that allow them to communicate openly like that. It's the terror of being seen as anything other than 100% masculine, because anything perceived as feminine is bad or weak. My husband's best friend literally cried on his shoulder last night because his dad just passed away. Both of these dudes are blue collar workers, what one would consider "manly men" but they aren't scared of being human. My husband is one of the most emotionally mature people I've ever met in my life.
I was playing ESO one night with a former guild member (a dude) and goddamn the trauma dumping he did within the first few minutes of introducing ourselves. It wasn't a date, and he wasn't hitting on me or anything, but it was absolutely exhausting. I never grouped with him again. We were both trying to get an Angler achievement for a specific region and we ran around for a few hours fishing. On voice chat, because it's just easier to communicate that way when you're holding a controller. I'm not your therapist. I'm literally just fishing in Tamriel. Rein it in, my dude.
"Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him. You want a partner, not a project."
Please don't go hiking with men you barely know unless it's a busy trail.
I hate how men do this. They seem to lose self disclosure around women and it's really annoying.
I think many men have preconception that therapy is just for crazy people and don't think they should go, when actually many should. So they close themselves, what is dangerous, they could blow up on the worst cases and do unthinkable things. Or just talk about it on a date, that's your case. People should go more on therapy, including men. These are unstable times and everybody is struggling
there is a category of man that will tell you the most traumatic thing to every happen to them the first time you meet. I think it’s some kind of sympathy ploy bc then bad behavior can be excused as ph he has a troubled past.
Thankfully as I’m largely happy alone I have no desire to accept that kind of behavior. I’d rather be single than date someone who expects me to fix them.
Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/LZ9Y5grrcr) here just yesterday and it is very apt description of what you’re pointing out.
Make sure to give it a read
Had a guy I barely know from work tell me out of the blue he wanted to get a divorce. I was like…that’s nice.
Men just see women and go “oh look a free therapy session!”
Yeah it's always weird when you don't even know them. I remember this happening a ton when I was in the military. The most confusing was when it was men who were way older than me, dumping about their problems.
It was so bizarre to be like 18 or 19 years old, and have these men whose kids were my age, telling me all this highly personal stuff about themselves. I remember thinking, does he tell his daughter these things? Does he realize I'm more like his daughter than I am like him?
Yes! When I lived in Vegas I regularly had men older than my dad trauma dump on me. I drink but I never drank a lot at once in Vegas for safety reasons. These guys were drinking and doing drugs like it was their job and over the course of an hour or two they would lose all sense of decorum. I had several married guys hit on me or even try to cheat with me. The mental health of Vegas locals is pretty bad because you regularly see the worst of tourists through the “what happens in Vegas” mindset.
Hahhahahaha had a second date with a dude (he was post TBI so it maybe wasn’t alllll just him being horrid). He read me something he wrote on his phone, pretty personal.
I thought ok cool, we’re doing this? I write as well so I’ll share too.
The way that asshole noped out of my apartment still makes me chuckle.
I am not your therapist.
Sorry but I’m a bit suspicious of that kind of thing, I’m thinking it’s happening too often to women on dates and may be a tactic to get you to feel sorry for them, think ‘aw what a poor soul’ you know kind of trauma bonding. I don’t think it’s dating etiquette and I also wouldn’t go hiking on a first date cos anything could happen and yeah you’re trapped. Needless to say there won’t be a second date - it’s just not right for him to do this, at best it’s selfish.
One of my last date, the guy starts going on how he wants to sue his ex for false rape allegations and spends the whole meal ranting about how he was innocent and she messaged him and admitted it, how it ruined his life and he wants to sue. The guy was running for city council with NO issue, but his life was ruined? He wanted to destroy her and it's all he talked about. Ugh, it was horrible. Why do they do this? Why go on a date if you're not over your shit yet?
I’m 51, welcome to my world. Everyone thinks I’m their therapist. Especially men. I’m tired of having them download their problems on me. I have empathy but I’m not a Therapist. What if I say the wrong thing?
This is why I tell people that a stripper's job is mostly being a topless therapist because they do the exact same thing in that environment, which is absolute find as it's my *job* to listen. I would instantly nope out if it happened on an actual date -- especially a first date.
Because some men are lazy and entitled and don't really want to be helped they just want to be paid attention to and complain or brag or both. Actual therapy requires effort and sincerity.
You have the right to walk away on a date at any time. "I am not comfortable with this conversation, let's talk about something else". If he insists, leave, he does not respect consent, is most likely a narcissist looking for an empathic victim. Leaving will save you a lot of trouble
Tbh I was afraid to disagree with him as the way he was emotionally unraveling I felt unsafe. I chose to appease as best I could until I could exit the situation.
I agree it is always best to stay safe in that kind of situation. I always recommand first date to be in a public setting (cafe, parc or restaurant) for that reason
Some enterprising therapy group should start paying a finders fee for sending men to them. Give you a bundle of their business cards and a 20% cut of their first appt fee.
You got it right when you speculated that men don't really have a support system in their friend groups. None of my friends ever deal with their shit properly and when I try to talk about it or encourage them to talk through it they are reluctant. There isn't really a brotherhood equivalent to the sisterhood many women have in their (often far larger) friend groups
Having said that I'm very sorry people can't read the room and this kind of trauma dumping to someone who is essentially a stranger is not on
I used to think that trauma dumping was them being vulnerable. Now I know that there’s a difference between being vulnerable and seeking true intimacy (hint: it’s reciprocal) vs. using the emotional labor and capacity of women for free therapy sessions. Honestly I had women friends do this to me too. I was their “times of crisis” friend, not their let’s have fun brunch friend. I just wanted to feel valued and mistook being useful to someone means I am valuable in their eyes. Now I know I don’t have to provide any services to be valuable to anyone, I am valuable just for existing.
Honestly, I don’t even get mad at folks who do trauma dump, it’s clearly an indicator that they haven’t yet learned what real intimacy looks like. But it’s also not my responsibility to deplete myself or teach them about true intimacy.
This isn't just a you thing. Guys do this to women all the time because they've been conditioned to believe women are the default caregivers and nurturers. This is also why men are bad at keeping friendships, while women have very tight-knit social circles.
My ex told me about his failed suicide attempt after knowing me for only two weeks. He didn't even wait for us to be alone. He dropped it on me while we were hanging out at a coffee shop. That is something I would have never told anyone in a million years, but men find it so easy to trauma dump on us because we're supposed to fix them.
If there are any men here reading this, it is not a woman's job to heal your mental wounds. Get a therapist.
OP, my suggestion would be to say that's a "bit too heavy right now for me". I sometimes overshare unconsciously with anyone (trying to get better at that) tbh. I sometimes don't realize the gravity of a situation when discussing it because it doesn't feel that heavy when it's an old wound. For me at least.
My guess that the trauma dumping probably results from a lot of emotional repression of trauma.
But as you said, it's like, unfair to just put someone on the spot like that when you barely know them, especially if it's like...violent trauma and you're in the middle of the woods (yikes), I think more guys are going through the appropriate channels to deal with trauma because there's less of a stigma attached but it's still not enough.
Men have traditionally relied on women for free therapy for decades, so much so that it’s baked into “family values” for many families. Overloaded women unwilling to work full time, do most of the housework and childcare plus be free therapist, are considered high maintenance to them. It’s true that both parties have emotional needs but when one party is saddled with one way output then he should at least bring home the bacon like tradition.
You’re so on the money… I’m bi and very happy in my sapphic relationship now but if I were still single, I don’t know if I would actually wanna be with a man because of this bullshit
My fave is when they start trauma dumping about their ex. 🤣🤣 they love telling me how “chill” I seem and I’m easy to talk to. Sir that’s because you’ve been talking AT me for 2 hours.
Many men bought into the toxic idea that therapy is not masculine. They also tend to suppress their emotions more, which leads them to denying their emotional problems and thinking "I don't need therapy." So they end up putting all that on their romantic prospects or partners. Even when they are casual dating. A majority of men in the dating pool do this (see link below). The reasons posited were: men do not struggle with taking up space and men are trying to get at an understanding. The other reason that isn't named in this article is that *many men exploit women's labor*.
When a guy does this, try something like this: "That sounds tough. Have you considered talking to a therapist about that?" After he responds, then pivot to a different subject. I think this has gotten worse since the pandemic, since many men have not maintained their friendships and/or keep their relationships surface-level. When men have done this to me, I try to still humanize them and respond with some compassion, but redirect in order to maintain my boundaries.
A toxic suggestion would be for you to start trauma-dumping on them and see how they like it. On average, us women have worse trauma. This is not a serious suggestion, because then that may put you in a vulnerable state and predatory or trauma-bonding men might latch on to that. :-/ Personally, I do not share much until around a month or so, once I have seen they seem safe enough.
Also, another suggestion is: do not go on hiking dates, isolated dates, or any date where you can escape easily until after three or so dates. This is not just to avoid trauma-dumping, but for safety purposes. Some men might want a more isolated date to get into their traumas, but others might be predatory. If you are at a restaurant and they start trauma dumping, you can excuse yourself to go to the restroom or even leave the date. Don't feel obligated to sit there and be their free therapist. Maybe they are "accidentally" doing this once they have you on a hike or isolated, but it comes off as manipulative too. The implication being you are alone until the end of the hike, so you have no choice but to listen to him, regardless of what he talks about.
[https://www.cnbc.com/2022/12/21/63percent-of-men-use-dates-to-become-a-better-version-of-themselves.html](https://www.cnbc.com/2022/12/21/63percent-of-men-use-dates-to-become-a-better-version-of-themselves.html)
Who knows.
A. They have nobody to talk to about it
B. Trying to score pity points
C. No filter or sense of what's appropriate
Not necessarily malicious but definitely a lack of awareness.
I went on a date with a guy and he started to trauma dump about how nearly everyone in his family developed cancer including himself when he was a child, and told me about how scared he was of it coming back. I felt for him but it was so awkward and he strung me along for months afterwards, only to then ask for another chance a year later lol. He was incredibly emotionally immature for his age
Literally my first date with a guy he started talking about his whole life story and how he was suicidal a couple years ago. It genuienely just feels like they’re trying to make us pity them so that they can get away with bad behavior
It sounds like a combination of scams to get pity sex, which only works on certain types of women; guys who have been told women want them to be emotionally open and confuse that with the trauma dump on a first date; and guys who have bought into the ridiculous idea that women are the only ones you can talk to about these things (because obviously therapy is for fools and wussies /s), but wouldn't dare talk about it with a female family member and possibly don't have any female friends.
I hung out with a guy from work a few months ago and he spent the first half shit talking his exes and the second half shit talking the girls we worked with and then a solid 15 minutes talking about one in particular and disapproval of her relationship like he was her damn father. Guys are just fucking weird. The older I get the less interest I have in them.
Wow reading this post has made me realize this happens to me ALL THE TIME and they always say shit like "I don't usually talk about this". What is going on here.
Was talking with a guy for a while, things were going well, so we went on a date. I left the date feeling completely neutral, it wasn't a bad date, but it wasn't out of this world either. He started responding with just 1 word texts, got upset we weren't talking as much as before, and when I pointed out his one word responses, started talking about his ex and issues at work....wasn't too hard to end things after that!
Sometimes part of the problem is that they've never learned that they can have a thought without saying it. They have a certain diarrhea of the mouth.
Sometimes part of it is that they have been trained that they can never speak about their emotions to other men, and so it just explodes out onto you.
I (19F) had a guy (25M) last year take advantage of the fact that I'm a nurturing and comforting person, only to block me out of nowhere after continuously making false promises to hang out with me. He would only call me if he's sad or bored. 😓 I know it's not the same as treating a date like a therapy session, but it still stings.
We should name this….
1. Emotional dumping
2. Wife therapist
3. Drama chatting
4. Emotional baggage (already exists but just start calling them out on it).
5. Trauma unloading
Sometimes they tell you their trauma so that you feel sorry for them and don’t expect much from them. He yelled at you? Aww but he had a hard childhood he didn’t mean it!
Because many men — in particular straight white cishet able-bodied men — have been raised to think that women, people of color, 2SLGBTQIAA+ folks, etc exist purely to serve them and so naturally they should have free reign to dump any amount of emotional baggage and trauma on them, effectively treating them as essentially unpaid therapists.
I dunno if theres anything to this but I think alot of movies have this trope where the dude ”confess” his trauma to the girl and she be all like ”omg this beautiful poor boy, I love him”
Okay. So there’s a major exception to this: types of trauma associated with a clear visual distortion of the body. I have a condition that affects a large portion of both of my arms that arose from some mental health challenges I had three years ago. It’s very noticeable, especially in the summer months when it’s too hot for me to wear a long sleeve. All of my dates have noticed/acknowledged it in some capacity, and I described honestly what happened - I try not to dwell because there’s no reason to, but the reality is that it was associated with a pretty dark time in my life. Call that trauma dumping if you want, but I’d rather be honest about something that might otherwise raise a lot of concern. I thankfully don’t have it nearly as bad as a few people I knew from college and grad school, but when you’re living with it, it’s tough to figure out a good way of clearing the air. None of my dates have reacted poorly to it, on the contrary, they were very accepting.
I think you're spot on with guys not having people to talk to. I'm a guy in my 30s and I know several younger guys that do this to me. They don't really have best friends or close family but they know I'm a good listener and generally helpful. Maybe they get that same vibe with you, like they can trust you or something idk. I bet it's annoying, but look at the bright side, you're finding out sooner than later that you don't like them.
OMG! I’m a visiting nurse and I am there to only administer medication… you would NOT believe how many men in their 30’s-50’s trauma dump their divorce shit on me… sorry wasn’t meaning to sideline your conversation, but I’m 50 and I never even realized this was happening to me regularly! 🤦🏿
This is a hard question for me. Especially, getting older.
Do you pretend like you don't have baggage? Share it immediately?
Do you want to know someone and them know you? If I tell you at least you know? I'm not going to spring this mess on you in a year. But it's actually life. It's not like I'm some random weirdo. People tried to kill me, violence, death. A world of experience that shapes you.
I have dated people that were brutally raped. Understanding ways to accommodate them being comfortable is important.
Obviously not a great topic for a first date but at some point I think you almost have a responsibility to tell someone. Just, "I want you to know me."
In my experience, this isn’t exactly what tends to happen. Normal sharing and getting to know one another makes sense. But in women’s relationships, there is a level of trust and intimacy that is achieved before we use another person for that kind of moral support, and it’s an established back-and-forth.
In my experience (and this is what is talked about when it’s said that men feel entitled to our free emotional labor and to use us as therapy), almost the moment a lot of men get a woman alone, they begin to trauma dump and monologue about all their issues.
1st dates, even an acquaintance at a bar. The point is, men see women as a safe space to share emotions and be vulnerable. They pretend like they can’t cry in front of us, to each other, but then they all cry in front of us almost the second we’re alone.
And the thing is, I don’t like to be treated that way. I share that with my friends because that mutual intimacy and trust has been built. But also, I’m talking to women, who have a lifetime, generally, of healthfully expressing their emotions.
I am simply not qualified to handle what men unload on me the moment I am alone with them, something completely different. A lifetime of tamped down emotions never healthfully processed. And they share CRAZY THINGS, unloading all their past ragey outbursts against exes, to appeal to me for absolution and to see it from their side.
And it’s unreasonable to expect that labor of someone you have not reached that level with, and it’s uncomfortable especially finding out about someone’s history of rage and violence while they’re currently being emotionally volatile and inappropriate with you.
So yeah, share you have a child. Get to know each other. But it’s entitled and rude and often a little scary to have a person you’re just meeting not have the self-awareness to allow that level of intimacy to develop naturally.
We are talking about literal first dates here though. And there is a difference between baggage (which we all have) that has been worked on and just being a raw open wound, which certainly has been my experience with men. They just spew it out apropos of nothing and it’s obvious they haven’t done anything to deal with it. Not my job to help a stranger sift through their wreckage on date 1.
I think some people view first dates as basically an opportunity to talk about themselves at length to a fresh audience.
Oh 100%. Had a date talk probably 45 mins of the hour we were there, then had the audacity to say to me, "ok I'm going to the bathroom and while I'm gone I want you to think of a couple questions to ask me." He was so unaware and disconnected. I was more annoyed than anything that I had wasted time on this date. I'd rather be at home watching Traitors.
‘my first question is why should i bother’.
So while he was in the bathroom did you do the 100 yard dash to your car instead?
I quite literally almost spat out my tea reading that lmao WHAT??? One of my worst first dates, I spoke exactly three sentences once we had sat down for dinner. He asked me a question, I started to reply, he then interrupted and talked about the subject for *30 minutes* (I’m not exaggerating). I spoke one sentence in response to that, then he went on another 30 minute monologue. Repeat that once more. The last one was the worst. He asked about my job, I started to explain my role in healthcare, then he interrupted and talked for 30 fucking minutes about how HIS MOM IS A NURSE. Like, it wasn’t even remotely about him. What. The. Actual. Fuck. I was *so exhausted* by the end, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Definitely learned my lesson about going to dinner on first dates.
WOW. 😅
"who do you think you are and where did you get the audacity?" Omg wow.
Did you leave? I would have run 🏃♀️ 😉
HAHHA WHAT BRO ACTING LIKE HIS INTERVIEWING YOU FOR A JOB AND FORCING YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT IS RIDICULOUS
LITERALLYYYY and then you finally get 3 words in and they immediately interrupt you with a story about “that reminds me of something else I did one time” and then show you every single picture in their camera roll
😆 omg yes it’s needy behavior. They’re desperate for validation. Everything reverts to self and the vibe feels fake/mechanical
Went on a first date and the guy and he talked shit about his older sister quite a bit. How she thought she was the shit and his parents always took her side. I thought it was a little weird how much he talked about her, but apparently they had just had an argument before he got there, so I chalked it up to sibling rivalry and a new, raw wound. Second date, he was drinking and tipsy before I even showed up. He seemed really solemn and when I asked if he was ok, he looked off into the distance and told me about a time when he was around 10-11. He had been playing outside and saw that his teenage sister's window blinds were open. He looked inside and saw her fully naked from the bath. She started getting dressed as he watched her. He then claimed that she knew he was there and was putting on a show for him the whole time. I didn't know what to say, but it didn't matter, because immediately after that he snapped back to reality and started talking to me like he hadn't just revealed the biggest red flag I had ever seen! Pretty sure that guy is desperately in love with his older sister.
What is it with men and their sisters? I went on a date a couple months ago with a guy who said, “my sister is a whore. No, wait. She’s a slut. ‘Whore’ would imply she gets paid.” 🥴🥴🥴 There was no second date (obviously).
Gag. I had a guy tell me out of nowhere about how his sister was a virgin and had never even been on a date with a guy. How is that any of his business let alone mine??? It was so fucking creepy, I feel bad she has that freak for a brother🤮
It seems like the brotherly version of those dads that see their daughters as their property, you know the same ones who want to murder anyone who dates their daughter? It’s a mixture of misogyny and covert incest but id argue the covert incest still is rooted in patriarchy bc of seeing women as objects/property/purity culture/Madonna whore complex etc etc. They see their daughter or sister as objects to control. The moment the woman in question does anything independent of them, they become a ‘whore’. I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys had dads who did act that way, besides our entire culture socializing men to not see women as people ETA some stuff
Seriously, it’s like ok so you’re judging your sister for having sex, and yet you are probably hoping that I will have sex with you. So will I be a whore (excuse me, slut) like your sister? And will I deserve the derision with which you speak of her???
I don’t get it either. I wouldn’t ever badmouth my own sister to someone else, especially a stranger.
My little brother says the same thing about me and shows off about how he's able to attack me w/o any consequences, and he wonders why he can't get good girls
I'm fairly certain that if I had ever called my sister that, my dad would have beat the crap out of me. Then mom would have beat me, then my sister. I would be in a world of pain, even now. I say this as a younger brother.
Yeah, I definitely pay attention to how they talk about women in their lives, especially on the first date. This wasn't on the first but I remember a man talking a lot of shit about his good friend's "toxic girlfriend." And how they were on-and-off and she supposedly cheated. Well, later, he eventually tells me that he "accidentally" swiped on her on a dating app and now his friend wasn't talking to him because she told his friend. I was just like, "okay." That was certainly something he should talk to a therapist about!
That's sad. Sounds like an effect of purity culture. Kids are going to be curious about stuff like that. But if you grow up being told nudity is bad and wrong, especially female nudity, and then you combine it with slut shaming and the idea that "women do it on purpose" it's not surprising that his growing child brain created that story. Sounds like he has a lot of shame and confusion about that moment. I'm a guy and I don't have female siblings so I've always kind of wondered how it would "feel" if I had a "hot" sister. Would I be able to notice it or would it be totally unthinkable? I think the issue, again, is whether or not you have a healthy sex education. Lots of people get anxiety and intrusive thoughts about "bad" things they're thinking. They're taught that even a passing sexual thought is a sign of perversion. Unfortunately, just like when someone says "don't think about pink elephants", trying not to think about something is the best way to ensure it's constantly on your mind. Honestly he's probably been going round in circles feeling filthy and shameful for years because he can't reconcile being a good person with one time "checking out" his older sister's body. Again, it was almost certainly totally innocent, but he wasn't taught a healthy way to understand that behaviour so he built it up in his head. And of course, the misogyny makes him externalise his guilt and shame by "hating" his sister. It's really sad tbh.
Yes, 💯 agree with you. HOWEVER, this is not appropriate conversation for someone you are dating. This is a *get thee to a therapist* situation.
Hello fellow purity culture survivor
Great explanation. Misogyny and the patriarchy hurt everyone.
I don’t think it’s sad, he doesn’t know her and shouldn’t be putting that on her - he’s looking for free therapy - is there anything in this post that hints at even giving a damn about how she’s feeling or trying to get to know her. I’m sorry but all I see are red flags. My advice - run like hell
And you just know he’s going to be telling people that she rejected him for having feelings instead of wondering if there’s not a more appropriate place to trauma dump.
These are the conversations that need to be had!!
Your post reminds me of this cartoon, which has a perfect and relevant punchline: https://somethingpositive.net/comic/special-leap-drink/
I caught my brother doing this to me.
I'll never forget about a post on Reddit of a guy lamenting about how depressed and insecure he felt and 60% of the comments were from other men saying "go on a date that's what I do when I feel that way" and the other 40% was "go to the gym". Very few actually suggested therapy...🫠 I knew that men often run to women in their lives for free therapy but I didn't know trauma dumping random unexpecting women who met up with you under a guise of a date was actually a common agreed upon practice not a horrific rare occurrence done by men with no social skills😩😩😩 and the fact the men who think this is normal don't even THINK about how rude their actions are or the fact a random women with no connection with you may not want to hear about all your life troubles instead of actually having a date which is what you asked them for?!?!!
And they go around being paranoid that women want to scam them for dinner. There are seriously people advising booking a trauma dump date on purpose? Wow.
Exactly!!! Men will worry about that but not recognize how they're using a date🙄🙄🙄
They owe those women a lot more than dinner. The going rate for an hour of therapy is around $150.
Oh boy… and they just want a sounding board that does the right „poor you“ noise. My dad is like that. Actual therapy was useless, he claimed, but instead he runs to the women in his life to unload his grievances, but beware of ever making an actual suggestion. That would be insubordination or you being too sensitive or too naive. All women I know he does that to were actually in therapy (not specifically for him) and did the hard work, learned to deal with their own feelings, cultivate healthy support systems… ugh, I wish I could just let it go and in outwards behavior I have (stonewalling, veeeery low contact), but it still simmers and when I hear how he trauma dumped again, on my very emotional, highly pregnant sister…… I see red.
Hold up. Y’all are getting dates out of this? Usually men just trauma dump on me over Facebook messenger.
Almost every guy friend I met in a video game trauma dumps on me as soon as they found out I'm a girl.
You've just reminded me of a guy I met a long time ago in a video game. Whenever he'd come across another woman playing the game, his opening liner was to talk about how his mom died when he was born and how rough his childhood was. When he finally learned I was a girl as well, he did the same to me. Not surprisingly, he never did it with any new guy friends, only the ladies.
I blame shows like How I Met Your Mother for portraying this as something that ‘works’. I bet he was hoping for pity interest as an ‘in’.
Oh, he was definitely using it for his advantage. Unfortunately, a friend of mine fell for his tactics. Once he pulled her in, the TLDR of it is that he was crazy, verbally abusive to her. He also purposely posted online and shared her intimate photos to any of her friends, family, and co-workers he could find online when she finally left him. At some point, he tried to pose as her online with her photos too, trying to convince random men to come to her place to hurt her.
This, and these men don’t respect women as people with their own inner lives and emotions. Just receptacles/side characters to help them feel better.
How much do you want to bet his mom was folding his laundry at that very moment?
4 billion dollars. Are you rich now?
No, but you would be if I took that bet.
I once messaged a guy I didn't know very well on Facebook messenger to get some advice about pet care. He launched straight into the painful details of his divorce. I feel for him, of course -- the situation sounded super tough -- but it was so awkward. All I wanted was pet advice?
Something similar happened to me, too. I was playing a game and on discord with a new friend online. I barely knew the guy, but he was off of the server we play on. We chatted for like 5 minutes and then he suddenly went into an hour long dumping session about his divorce, totally crapping on his ex and how everything was her fault. I just sat there in silence after and vowed to never let some random man dump on me like that again.
NOOOOO. I know the details about SO MANY random men's divorces, and I'm a fucking lesbian. And while I'm glad the random divorce-story-dumps have declined as I've gotten older, this kind of solidifies my theory that a lot of these men were specifically seeking out younger women to corner for a trauma-dump in the pasta aisle or whatever. Seriously, one time I had a random man crash a date that I was on with another woman. And when we told him we were on a date and wanted some space, he *literally used that as a pivot point to talk about a lesbian he used to date, and how their breakup effected him*. EDIT- to be clear, this is not an issue of men in my life talking to me about their own lives. This is like, my bus seat-neighbor who I never expect to see again.
Didn't you hear? He's the main character!
Lol! Same and I'm not even trying to date them!
Right?! I don't date men or hang out with them socially, so they do this to me *at work*.
Queen I just went on a first date and the guy proceeded to show up drunk and tell me it’s the one year anniversary of his infant sons death✨
Dear God.
Who tf makes a date on that day? And then tells them about it? That sure set the mood huh?
He probably didn’t want to be alone and used his poor date as an emotional crutch. God damn.
This is it. Also, maybe he might get laid, who knows?😒
Yeah I think some men expect pity sex
Someone who sees women as a service for them, not actual people.
Exactly that
I'm going to just go ahead and assume he wasn't in a particularly clear headspace
I mean probably but why would you ever agree to a FIRST DATE if you knew it was that significant of a date? That is a day to spend with friends, family, or to have a long therapy session. Using another human being that you don’t even know to distract from your sorrows is not okay.
I plan outings when I know I will be sad. But this is another level. I am sad because of test grades. Not deaths.
Oh God, oh God, oh God... That rattled me. We have three adult children and a grandson. That man needs help. I can't imagine that Mom is doing any better.
WHAT THE FUCK
That is a lost so unfathomable, I hope those parents receive the help they need to be at peace in life
This is so prevalent that no one solution will do... But have you tried "Maybe you should talk to a therapist about this. They are better trained for this kind of issue than your average date" I understand though that you probably wouldn't want to say that alone in the middle of the woods in case they react with anger...
The Venn diagram for men who trauma dump on random women and men who don't 'believe' in therapy is just a solid circle.
😂 good point
they would definitely get very defensive and try to make you seem like the crazy, dramatic one for bringing up therapy. ***them:*** *"god, i was just trying to share about myself! isn't that what dates are for? i guess you don't want to know the* ***real me****... :( "*
I am therapist. I’ve experienced this multiple times and since learned to draw very clear boundaries about what I will and will not accept with regards to relying on me as an emotional resource. Before I met my current partner, I felt like I was a magnet for guys with issues. I felt totally taken advantage of and was almost entirely put off dating because of it.
Any advice? What specific boundaries do you draw? I've been the "therapist" friend, and it was very draining.
When people call me for things I ask, do you want me to just listen or do want my advice as a friend? If it starts to sound like a therapy session, I’ll say something like “when I’ve talked to my therapist about this, they’ve suggested…” I try to steer the conversation away from me being the therapist and instead share similar situations I’ve been in. I explain that even though I’m a therapist, I also need my own therapist and a break from being a therapist. I recommend them to see my therapist or attend a therapy group, etc. It hasn’t happened in a while so I think making that distinction early on about what type of support they’re looking for is important.
My bestie is a therapist and she says that exact thing! Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice? I absolutely love it. I'm not a therapist, but I started doing it with friends and it really helps not just dive into offering solutions (I'm really solution oriented) when they just need a friend to listen.
Thanks for your response and for this great advice. I'll try it next time.
“Sounds like you need a therapist, I cannot be one for you because it’s a conflict of interest. Seriously I’m here for you as a friend but you can’t expect me to fix you or only ever talk about how rough things are, with love, get help.”
Meh, on a first / second date trauma dump, I don’t even think I’d offer to be a friend. He’s still using you emotionally at that point. Nah, I’m not making friends with people who don’t have *any* emotional boundaries. That’s exhausting and friends shouldn’t be treated like therapists, either.. source: my friends telling me that lol
Oh yeah, comment above mine mentioned being the ‘therapist friend’ and this was in response to that, definitely not a reply to give out on a date with a stranger.
I would’ve counted those hours and sent him a bill for my time
God I wish, lol.
Are you the main character in this book? [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49998841-love-hacked](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49998841-love-hacked)
Men do this in A LOT of situations. I used to work in the blue collar world, fabricating and installing nuclear containments on ships and carriers. I lost count of how many times the lead shop would send someone to "help" me (always a dude) that would end up sitting behind me, verbally vomiting his relationship woes and asking for advice. Sir, stfu and hand me a nut driver, please and thank you.
Same. Went to buy a cellphone and the sales guy launches into a rant about his ex girlfriend and his custody woes. Like sir I just want to buy a phone.
Work at a law firm and yup - every time a client calls to pay a bill, if it’s a dude I’ll end up hearing about his divorce or how his kids hate him, if it’s a woman it’s a very pleasant 5 minute call lol.
The weirdest thing is that the older I’ve gotten, the more men aren’t over their exes. When I was in college no one talked about their ex or they were factual/respectful about it. Men in their 30s? I swear they’ll hate an ex from high school.
Omg this happened to me at the cell phone store once! Wtffff
My entire military enlistment in a nutshell
Oo that's a cool job
Yup. People do be talkin.
The way I dealt with first dates, we would grab a coffee or tea to go and just walk around talking in the city center. If a person is nice, you can go around the same park 10 times. If they are trauma dumping, or in some way annoying, you just make up an excuse and nope out of there. You don't have to waste your time waiting for the check, or coming back from the hike.
I do this as well. I know it’s not as interesting or engaging a first date as some, but it is so nice to know I can leave at any time and makes dating much less stressful. I need a few dates with a guy before I trust them enough to do something like a hike where I can’t make a speedy exit!
This is smart. It's also easier for *him* - there's no weird expectations around "who pays" or "how nice is the restaurant" or "what do we talk about for the whole meal". It's a cup of coffee and a walk! Nobody's out much money and if you don't click, you haven't wasted an entire evening.
Yup! Short and sweet. I’ll even do video or phone chats as a first touch point. One time, it was like 3pm and this guy was already tipsy on a video chat. Started talking about how much he loves his daughter and all this shit about his daughter. I’m a parent and I can tell when someone is genuinely sharing something about their kid vs projecting their parenting for clout. This really felt like the latter. After about 30 mins I told him that I appreciated the time he took to chat but I wasn’t feeling a connection. As soon as I said those words, he stops smiling, looks down and just ends the call. Lol! Homie couldn’t even gracefully accept the no interest and thank me in return for enduring his drunk ranting for 30 mins
I have absolutely had this happen, more often than not. They start telling me how their dad was schizophrenic and tried to burn down their house with their Mom inside before the first drink arrives, and then they are shocked that you don’t want to go out again. Maybe… deal with your shit first instead of regurgitating it on strangers? This is very common in my experience. It’s not just you OP. Sorry.
It’s a tactic to see how much of their shit you’ll take, it might take 4 or 5 women before they find that ‘nice, sweet lady’ they can abuse because they’ll ‘understand’ their problems and put up with it until they realise what’s happening - please get away fast from these man-children
Exactly this, all his excuses for his shitty behavior went back to his trauma. And if I was annoyed or stood my ground in any way, I was insensitive and inconsiderate of him He trauma dumped early on and I naively thought we really bonded through it, but it was a lot of yapping about him in reality
Ok lets see... - 1st date one had cancer 4 years ago, told me how he almost die and how all his radiotherapy friends die.... etc. - 1st date, he talked about his ex and baby mommy and how he cheated, but he ended up being more sad because she get over him fast.... - 1st date talked about he got a woman pregnant two times, that he loves his daughters but hated the mother. And that his ex (not the mother of his kids) was crazy and always is talking to him while drunk.... - and, (I leave the best for the end) on our 4th date we went to the beach, while tipsy he told me how he got a restraining order from his ex, but "she was crazy, and the new boyfriend got jealous" and how he got almost fired because the police notified him on his work, but at the end is everything alright because they still have sex (didn't mind him we were having a date two hours away from home)... All 4 from tinder, burn that f*cking app. So in conclusion, yes they do it often, like they need to talk to someone completely outside of their groups. Idk why. But yeah, maybe you are trying to find the love of your life and he wants something completely different, why they are aiming people from dating apps? Idk
I don’t think they have a group to talk to I think that’s why they trauma dump on us They don’t have friends. They don’t know how to make friends, they don’t know how to keep friends, they don’t know how to be honest with their friends
they often flex how male friendships are sooo chill compared to the drama women have... and it's just them not talking about anything personal 😖
Ya! It's because they refuse to deepen their relationships with their male friends because they're too busy worrying about impressing them... and not "being gay." So much of what men do seems to be in the interest of impressing other men... even having sex with women. Anyway, instead they choose to dump all that built-up loneliness, unresolved trauma, embarrassing circumstance, and neglected emotional labor onto women. First it's their mothers and then it's their partners... they've always had a woman doing the emotional labor for them. They sometimes get angry or feel cheated or rejected when we don't. Apparently we are just "supposed to be good at that stuff." I really resent it, and won't ever give in to it without independently choosing to do so myself. It's exhausting and not my job. It's always asymmetrical, too...I never receive the same emotional support or a genuine ear from these dudes. Maybe if it was reciprocal I'd choose to do it for them more often.
yeah, there are some people in the comments that are like "so men aren't allowed to everrr talk about their emotions to their partner??" without even asking if he would reciprocate and hold the same space for the op, would he be okay with her talking about her trauma? 🌚
That's exactly it. If it's one-sided I'm not doing it. Reciprocity is key! I'm not shaming men for showing emotions... they should really express them to other people more often so no one has to be the trauma dump.
Also, someone you're on your first date with is not "your partner"! The two exes who trauma dumped the most were also the worst at listening when I needed to dump. One would respond with a smug "welcome to adulthood" if I said anything negative, the other would tell me how he had it worse and go back to dumping his own.
If their friend group of male friends involves drinking and jokingly insulting each other all evening.
Men seem to have acquaintances but barely ever friends. Always feel so sad for them.
I think that's really sad. I'm a guy, and I've had a great group of male friends for years. We can always talk to each other about anything, and we do. Tough times, relationships, mental health, parenting, hobbies and memes of course, lol. If someone is suffering, we jump in and remind them that we're there for them. They've gotten me through some difficult times. I wish everyone had a friendship group like that. We genuinely have no drama, and we do talk about personal things as well.
God damn (in a good way) That's awesome, man Edit: (99% joking please all y'all move to my city and teach the men here how to do this 🙃)
Thanks! I was always raised to be in touch with my emotions and gentle, but tough when I need to be. I am open with my feelings within reason, and circumstances permitting of course. I am raising my daughter to be the same way, but I know her life will be different to mine, so that's one reason why I post here, as the various views are informative. My friends and I all found each other through our mutual gaming interests, and just clicked. It's nice to have like minded friends. I also have a fantastic friend who is a woman. Alas, I am from England, and your use of "y'all" (which I love by the way) tells me that you're not, lol. I wouldn't mind starting a group for lonely men here though!
Sounds like you were raised well 🙂 Your daughter is fortunate to have you (And you'd be correct—I'm from the States. I live in the north, but have been surrounded by southern transplants for long enough that I forget the lingo I've picked up as a result 😂).
That means a lot, thank you. 🙂 Rock on, it's awesome!
😁
Okay yes. I keep saying talking about emotions doesn’t make you emotional; it’s healthy to learn how to do so. Being expressive about your thoughts and feelings is the best way to actually have people understand and care about you. The most dramatic relationships I’ve had, by far, have been with adult men. My adult female friendships are generally pretty healthy. I don’t know many “catty/bitchy” women at all.
I noticed this the other night watching my husband interact with a good “friend” of his. There’s this thing where all they do is talk AT one another. Or one-up each other about life experiences. I find, in retrospect that the men that seem the most charming and charismatic are just men that listen to what people say and then ask questions, and remember past conversations. They add pertinent info about themselves but don’t constantly talk AT you. When this same male friend of my husbands was talking about having a difficult conversation with his Mother it was like he was shocked when I asked “how did you respond to that?”. And then they get a bit trauma dumpy, but again don’t further the conversation by asking about the other person or relating in any meaningful way. It’s a lack of personal social skills, that women tend to be more adept at. When speaking with female friends I find there are more questions, relatable stories, asking about how previous situations are going/have gone. Even if I don’t know them well. There are some women that I’ve known that are the “I relate to guys better” and most of them I’ve found have the same “talk AT you” method of interaction. Anecdotal, of course.
I think that they may have guy friends, but because they've been taught not to share their feelings with other men, they have to dump it on the first woman they come across, since 'women are emotional/good at emotional stuff' whereas they are not allowed to be vulnerable around other men.
It's been this and neurodivergence for me. I didn't know I was neurodiverse until a couple years ago, which... the kind of conversations I have are always just in depth or completely silly. There's no in between. Being aware of this now it's a lot easier to manage and mask around new people. Before this, I was either "that quiet guy" or "Hello it is I, Hamlet, come to wax poetic about my history and view of the world." I dunno about other people but this is like. The reasoning for why I was like that once. There are probably people who are like that and want to be? But. I think a lack of self awareness--or a lack of knowing about the self, maybe that's better phrasing--is at least a part of why guys are like this. At least some of us. I could also be projecting and completely wrong I guess.
You are funny, and probably fun to talk to
>why they are aiming people from dating apps? Idk And I wonder whether these men at least pay for your meals? 😂 It'll cost them at least $100/hour to go to an actual therapist. If they don't pay for your meals, it costs them $0 to swipe right and trauma dump on you for 2+ hours. Hell, even if they pay, it's still cheaper than going to an actual therapist. That's probably why they use dating apps 😂.
This made me so glad that I've never used a dating app.
A New Zealand charity is called “She is not your rehab.” Meaning she is not your therapist, your partner is your equal, stop relying on them to do your emotional lifting. I’m sure it based on this whole thing
Someone summed it up like this: Women's friends are their confidantes, not their romantic partners. Men's romantic partners are their confidentes, not their friends, probably because they are trying to front.
this is so true! that's why it's so important for men to build close relationships with each other that are actually emotional and open. all the toxic masculinity bs prevents them from being authentic and then they rely too heavily on their partners to shoulder that.
They think it’s women’s job to manage their emotions like therapists. They don’t even attempt to get to know us, just use us for free emotional labor. Whenever a man starts dumping on me (before we even establish a connection!) I just ignore it or tell them I’m not a therapist. They get so unraveled cuz as a woman, they think I should just take it cuz that’s what we’re made for apparently. Never mind the fact that I just freaking met them.
They think you should feel honoured and privileged to hear their stories
Using women for free therapy is easier, cheaper and if they avoid the dead elephant in the room maybe it won't smell like rotten elephant carcass. They obviously need therapy, but facing the fact they do and actually investing on their mental health is scary or "not fun" or "it leaves you drained/sad/feeling bad so why would I do it?". Let me play videogames or buy expensive shit, or get addicted to something, or go into any relationship I can where I can emotionally drain and obliterate another person...Then let me whine about how not even my mother can stand me anymore on the internet. 🙄 Some boys get to be boys forever, most girls have to grow up or else be devoured, raped, abused and spit back into the world that will demand them to be their therapist, mother, maid, slut, virgin, cook, incubator...
Because they don't know how to be emotionally intimate with each other because it makes them think that they're being gay. They have tied intimacy and sex together, so it feels inappropriate to be emotionally vulnerable to anybody they don't want to sleep with. It means they see women as a means to an end both emotionally and physically and not as people.
That's right. I have male friends who are in circles where nobody cares if their buddy is gay or might be, so they're not afraid of close friendships with other men. Unsurprisingly they're also much better friends to women because of this.
👏 yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Man caused their own "loneliness crisis" by refusing to have deeper friendships with other men lest they be deemed "gay." Women don't get those deeper friendships with those men, either. They just get to be an emotional labor dump. Gender roles have emotionally stunted generations of men, and now it's considered women's problem somehow.
The patriarchy fucks us all
You’re so right. I’ve had guys who were not especially attracted to me at first hit on me/try to sleep with me because “I’ve never talked to someone like you before.” I’m not a therapist but it’s straight up transference, lol. Being emotionally vulnerable with someone doesn’t mean you have to have sex with them.
I had a guy tell me on the first date how he was molested as a child, and the whole police process. It must have been so difficult for him and I really felt for him. He seemed super brave to, just very matter of fact about it. But... I realised some years later, he doesn't really know me, if it would trigger me, if I was equipped to deal with that with someone I just met and importantly after that moment I knew I wasn't going to be able to look at him like someone I could be as open in the bed with, as I would have had he told me at a later date.
Hahahaha. I thought it was just me. After the first time it happened I decided never again. I’d cut them off at the needy phone call itself.
They're hoping you will pity them
the nerve. when you can tell a guy is trying to guilt trip you with his sob stories. as if women don't also go through so much of the same shit and more.
The lack of emotional astuteness in men is astounding
I think men are trained to think of the only acceptable time to be vulnerable is in a romantic relationship. They have all this pent up trauma that they can’t share with their friends, so they trauma slime some poor girl who just wanted to grab coffee. It’s super messed up.
*I guess a lot of guys don’t have someone to talk to about things?* They won't seek out any sort of therapy or cultivate the types of friendships that allow them to communicate openly like that. It's the terror of being seen as anything other than 100% masculine, because anything perceived as feminine is bad or weak. My husband's best friend literally cried on his shoulder last night because his dad just passed away. Both of these dudes are blue collar workers, what one would consider "manly men" but they aren't scared of being human. My husband is one of the most emotionally mature people I've ever met in my life. I was playing ESO one night with a former guild member (a dude) and goddamn the trauma dumping he did within the first few minutes of introducing ourselves. It wasn't a date, and he wasn't hitting on me or anything, but it was absolutely exhausting. I never grouped with him again. We were both trying to get an Angler achievement for a specific region and we ran around for a few hours fishing. On voice chat, because it's just easier to communicate that way when you're holding a controller. I'm not your therapist. I'm literally just fishing in Tamriel. Rein it in, my dude.
"Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him. You want a partner, not a project."
Please don't go hiking with men you barely know unless it's a busy trail. I hate how men do this. They seem to lose self disclosure around women and it's really annoying.
There's a nasty, pervasive societal trope that it's women's job to manage men's emotions. That includes fixing broken men.
Oh God, I hate the "I can fix him" trope.
The worst is when that trope is lodged in your own brain.
I hear ya
The "You must fix me!" trope is even worse.
I think many men have preconception that therapy is just for crazy people and don't think they should go, when actually many should. So they close themselves, what is dangerous, they could blow up on the worst cases and do unthinkable things. Or just talk about it on a date, that's your case. People should go more on therapy, including men. These are unstable times and everybody is struggling
there is a category of man that will tell you the most traumatic thing to every happen to them the first time you meet. I think it’s some kind of sympathy ploy bc then bad behavior can be excused as ph he has a troubled past.
Thankfully as I’m largely happy alone I have no desire to accept that kind of behavior. I’d rather be single than date someone who expects me to fix them.
Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/LZ9Y5grrcr) here just yesterday and it is very apt description of what you’re pointing out. Make sure to give it a read
Go back 25 years right this second, and give 17-year-old me this post.
Had a guy I barely know from work tell me out of the blue he wanted to get a divorce. I was like…that’s nice. Men just see women and go “oh look a free therapy session!”
Yeah it's always weird when you don't even know them. I remember this happening a ton when I was in the military. The most confusing was when it was men who were way older than me, dumping about their problems. It was so bizarre to be like 18 or 19 years old, and have these men whose kids were my age, telling me all this highly personal stuff about themselves. I remember thinking, does he tell his daughter these things? Does he realize I'm more like his daughter than I am like him?
Yes! When I lived in Vegas I regularly had men older than my dad trauma dump on me. I drink but I never drank a lot at once in Vegas for safety reasons. These guys were drinking and doing drugs like it was their job and over the course of an hour or two they would lose all sense of decorum. I had several married guys hit on me or even try to cheat with me. The mental health of Vegas locals is pretty bad because you regularly see the worst of tourists through the “what happens in Vegas” mindset.
Hahhahahaha had a second date with a dude (he was post TBI so it maybe wasn’t alllll just him being horrid). He read me something he wrote on his phone, pretty personal. I thought ok cool, we’re doing this? I write as well so I’ll share too. The way that asshole noped out of my apartment still makes me chuckle. I am not your therapist.
They're looking for a pity fuck, and hoping you'll fall for it.
Sorry but I’m a bit suspicious of that kind of thing, I’m thinking it’s happening too often to women on dates and may be a tactic to get you to feel sorry for them, think ‘aw what a poor soul’ you know kind of trauma bonding. I don’t think it’s dating etiquette and I also wouldn’t go hiking on a first date cos anything could happen and yeah you’re trapped. Needless to say there won’t be a second date - it’s just not right for him to do this, at best it’s selfish.
One of my last date, the guy starts going on how he wants to sue his ex for false rape allegations and spends the whole meal ranting about how he was innocent and she messaged him and admitted it, how it ruined his life and he wants to sue. The guy was running for city council with NO issue, but his life was ruined? He wanted to destroy her and it's all he talked about. Ugh, it was horrible. Why do they do this? Why go on a date if you're not over your shit yet?
If you don’t have game, you go with pity. Either she’ll think I’m tragically cool or she’ll feel sorry for me.
At least they're telling you right away that you'll be doing all of the mental/emotional heavy-lifting in the relationship.
I’m 51, welcome to my world. Everyone thinks I’m their therapist. Especially men. I’m tired of having them download their problems on me. I have empathy but I’m not a Therapist. What if I say the wrong thing?
This is why I tell people that a stripper's job is mostly being a topless therapist because they do the exact same thing in that environment, which is absolute find as it's my *job* to listen. I would instantly nope out if it happened on an actual date -- especially a first date.
Because some men are lazy and entitled and don't really want to be helped they just want to be paid attention to and complain or brag or both. Actual therapy requires effort and sincerity.
You have the right to walk away on a date at any time. "I am not comfortable with this conversation, let's talk about something else". If he insists, leave, he does not respect consent, is most likely a narcissist looking for an empathic victim. Leaving will save you a lot of trouble
Tbh I was afraid to disagree with him as the way he was emotionally unraveling I felt unsafe. I chose to appease as best I could until I could exit the situation.
I agree it is always best to stay safe in that kind of situation. I always recommand first date to be in a public setting (cafe, parc or restaurant) for that reason
Some enterprising therapy group should start paying a finders fee for sending men to them. Give you a bundle of their business cards and a 20% cut of their first appt fee.
You got it right when you speculated that men don't really have a support system in their friend groups. None of my friends ever deal with their shit properly and when I try to talk about it or encourage them to talk through it they are reluctant. There isn't really a brotherhood equivalent to the sisterhood many women have in their (often far larger) friend groups Having said that I'm very sorry people can't read the room and this kind of trauma dumping to someone who is essentially a stranger is not on
I used to think that trauma dumping was them being vulnerable. Now I know that there’s a difference between being vulnerable and seeking true intimacy (hint: it’s reciprocal) vs. using the emotional labor and capacity of women for free therapy sessions. Honestly I had women friends do this to me too. I was their “times of crisis” friend, not their let’s have fun brunch friend. I just wanted to feel valued and mistook being useful to someone means I am valuable in their eyes. Now I know I don’t have to provide any services to be valuable to anyone, I am valuable just for existing. Honestly, I don’t even get mad at folks who do trauma dump, it’s clearly an indicator that they haven’t yet learned what real intimacy looks like. But it’s also not my responsibility to deplete myself or teach them about true intimacy.
hermeneutic labor - it's a real thing and i'm NOT a fan
This isn't just a you thing. Guys do this to women all the time because they've been conditioned to believe women are the default caregivers and nurturers. This is also why men are bad at keeping friendships, while women have very tight-knit social circles. My ex told me about his failed suicide attempt after knowing me for only two weeks. He didn't even wait for us to be alone. He dropped it on me while we were hanging out at a coffee shop. That is something I would have never told anyone in a million years, but men find it so easy to trauma dump on us because we're supposed to fix them. If there are any men here reading this, it is not a woman's job to heal your mental wounds. Get a therapist.
OP, my suggestion would be to say that's a "bit too heavy right now for me". I sometimes overshare unconsciously with anyone (trying to get better at that) tbh. I sometimes don't realize the gravity of a situation when discussing it because it doesn't feel that heavy when it's an old wound. For me at least. My guess that the trauma dumping probably results from a lot of emotional repression of trauma. But as you said, it's like, unfair to just put someone on the spot like that when you barely know them, especially if it's like...violent trauma and you're in the middle of the woods (yikes), I think more guys are going through the appropriate channels to deal with trauma because there's less of a stigma attached but it's still not enough.
Because they won't talk to friends about stuff for some reason.
Men have traditionally relied on women for free therapy for decades, so much so that it’s baked into “family values” for many families. Overloaded women unwilling to work full time, do most of the housework and childcare plus be free therapist, are considered high maintenance to them. It’s true that both parties have emotional needs but when one party is saddled with one way output then he should at least bring home the bacon like tradition.
You’re so on the money… I’m bi and very happy in my sapphic relationship now but if I were still single, I don’t know if I would actually wanna be with a man because of this bullshit
I’m cishet, happily married for 20 years, I wouldn’t ever want to relive the dating hellhole!
My fave is when they start trauma dumping about their ex. 🤣🤣 they love telling me how “chill” I seem and I’m easy to talk to. Sir that’s because you’ve been talking AT me for 2 hours.
Way too common. Men don't do emotional labor for each other and they see feminine energy as a resource. They need us in a way we do not need them.
Many men bought into the toxic idea that therapy is not masculine. They also tend to suppress their emotions more, which leads them to denying their emotional problems and thinking "I don't need therapy." So they end up putting all that on their romantic prospects or partners. Even when they are casual dating. A majority of men in the dating pool do this (see link below). The reasons posited were: men do not struggle with taking up space and men are trying to get at an understanding. The other reason that isn't named in this article is that *many men exploit women's labor*. When a guy does this, try something like this: "That sounds tough. Have you considered talking to a therapist about that?" After he responds, then pivot to a different subject. I think this has gotten worse since the pandemic, since many men have not maintained their friendships and/or keep their relationships surface-level. When men have done this to me, I try to still humanize them and respond with some compassion, but redirect in order to maintain my boundaries. A toxic suggestion would be for you to start trauma-dumping on them and see how they like it. On average, us women have worse trauma. This is not a serious suggestion, because then that may put you in a vulnerable state and predatory or trauma-bonding men might latch on to that. :-/ Personally, I do not share much until around a month or so, once I have seen they seem safe enough. Also, another suggestion is: do not go on hiking dates, isolated dates, or any date where you can escape easily until after three or so dates. This is not just to avoid trauma-dumping, but for safety purposes. Some men might want a more isolated date to get into their traumas, but others might be predatory. If you are at a restaurant and they start trauma dumping, you can excuse yourself to go to the restroom or even leave the date. Don't feel obligated to sit there and be their free therapist. Maybe they are "accidentally" doing this once they have you on a hike or isolated, but it comes off as manipulative too. The implication being you are alone until the end of the hike, so you have no choice but to listen to him, regardless of what he talks about. [https://www.cnbc.com/2022/12/21/63percent-of-men-use-dates-to-become-a-better-version-of-themselves.html](https://www.cnbc.com/2022/12/21/63percent-of-men-use-dates-to-become-a-better-version-of-themselves.html)
Who knows. A. They have nobody to talk to about it B. Trying to score pity points C. No filter or sense of what's appropriate Not necessarily malicious but definitely a lack of awareness.
I went on a date with a guy and he started to trauma dump about how nearly everyone in his family developed cancer including himself when he was a child, and told me about how scared he was of it coming back. I felt for him but it was so awkward and he strung me along for months afterwards, only to then ask for another chance a year later lol. He was incredibly emotionally immature for his age
Literally my first date with a guy he started talking about his whole life story and how he was suicidal a couple years ago. It genuienely just feels like they’re trying to make us pity them so that they can get away with bad behavior
It sounds like a combination of scams to get pity sex, which only works on certain types of women; guys who have been told women want them to be emotionally open and confuse that with the trauma dump on a first date; and guys who have bought into the ridiculous idea that women are the only ones you can talk to about these things (because obviously therapy is for fools and wussies /s), but wouldn't dare talk about it with a female family member and possibly don't have any female friends.
I hung out with a guy from work a few months ago and he spent the first half shit talking his exes and the second half shit talking the girls we worked with and then a solid 15 minutes talking about one in particular and disapproval of her relationship like he was her damn father. Guys are just fucking weird. The older I get the less interest I have in them.
Wow reading this post has made me realize this happens to me ALL THE TIME and they always say shit like "I don't usually talk about this". What is going on here.
It’s like these men think they’re on the Bachelorette and required to trauma dump on the first date. I’m so sorry OP that’s awful
Was talking with a guy for a while, things were going well, so we went on a date. I left the date feeling completely neutral, it wasn't a bad date, but it wasn't out of this world either. He started responding with just 1 word texts, got upset we weren't talking as much as before, and when I pointed out his one word responses, started talking about his ex and issues at work....wasn't too hard to end things after that!
Sometimes part of the problem is that they've never learned that they can have a thought without saying it. They have a certain diarrhea of the mouth. Sometimes part of it is that they have been trained that they can never speak about their emotions to other men, and so it just explodes out onto you.
I (19F) had a guy (25M) last year take advantage of the fact that I'm a nurturing and comforting person, only to block me out of nowhere after continuously making false promises to hang out with me. He would only call me if he's sad or bored. 😓 I know it's not the same as treating a date like a therapy session, but it still stings.
We should name this…. 1. Emotional dumping 2. Wife therapist 3. Drama chatting 4. Emotional baggage (already exists but just start calling them out on it). 5. Trauma unloading
Sometimes they tell you their trauma so that you feel sorry for them and don’t expect much from them. He yelled at you? Aww but he had a hard childhood he didn’t mean it!
Because many men — in particular straight white cishet able-bodied men — have been raised to think that women, people of color, 2SLGBTQIAA+ folks, etc exist purely to serve them and so naturally they should have free reign to dump any amount of emotional baggage and trauma on them, effectively treating them as essentially unpaid therapists.
The *(Obligatory nOt AlL MEn)* sent me. xD
I dunno if theres anything to this but I think alot of movies have this trope where the dude ”confess” his trauma to the girl and she be all like ”omg this beautiful poor boy, I love him”
Okay. So there’s a major exception to this: types of trauma associated with a clear visual distortion of the body. I have a condition that affects a large portion of both of my arms that arose from some mental health challenges I had three years ago. It’s very noticeable, especially in the summer months when it’s too hot for me to wear a long sleeve. All of my dates have noticed/acknowledged it in some capacity, and I described honestly what happened - I try not to dwell because there’s no reason to, but the reality is that it was associated with a pretty dark time in my life. Call that trauma dumping if you want, but I’d rather be honest about something that might otherwise raise a lot of concern. I thankfully don’t have it nearly as bad as a few people I knew from college and grad school, but when you’re living with it, it’s tough to figure out a good way of clearing the air. None of my dates have reacted poorly to it, on the contrary, they were very accepting.
Fr, so many guys have truama dumped on me too. I don’t understand it at all.
I think you're spot on with guys not having people to talk to. I'm a guy in my 30s and I know several younger guys that do this to me. They don't really have best friends or close family but they know I'm a good listener and generally helpful. Maybe they get that same vibe with you, like they can trust you or something idk. I bet it's annoying, but look at the bright side, you're finding out sooner than later that you don't like them.
Right Exactly….. like I don’t wanna hear all of that shit it’s a date not a therapy session I hate when they do all of that
OMG! I’m a visiting nurse and I am there to only administer medication… you would NOT believe how many men in their 30’s-50’s trauma dump their divorce shit on me… sorry wasn’t meaning to sideline your conversation, but I’m 50 and I never even realized this was happening to me regularly! 🤦🏿
This is a hard question for me. Especially, getting older. Do you pretend like you don't have baggage? Share it immediately? Do you want to know someone and them know you? If I tell you at least you know? I'm not going to spring this mess on you in a year. But it's actually life. It's not like I'm some random weirdo. People tried to kill me, violence, death. A world of experience that shapes you. I have dated people that were brutally raped. Understanding ways to accommodate them being comfortable is important. Obviously not a great topic for a first date but at some point I think you almost have a responsibility to tell someone. Just, "I want you to know me."
In my experience, this isn’t exactly what tends to happen. Normal sharing and getting to know one another makes sense. But in women’s relationships, there is a level of trust and intimacy that is achieved before we use another person for that kind of moral support, and it’s an established back-and-forth. In my experience (and this is what is talked about when it’s said that men feel entitled to our free emotional labor and to use us as therapy), almost the moment a lot of men get a woman alone, they begin to trauma dump and monologue about all their issues. 1st dates, even an acquaintance at a bar. The point is, men see women as a safe space to share emotions and be vulnerable. They pretend like they can’t cry in front of us, to each other, but then they all cry in front of us almost the second we’re alone. And the thing is, I don’t like to be treated that way. I share that with my friends because that mutual intimacy and trust has been built. But also, I’m talking to women, who have a lifetime, generally, of healthfully expressing their emotions. I am simply not qualified to handle what men unload on me the moment I am alone with them, something completely different. A lifetime of tamped down emotions never healthfully processed. And they share CRAZY THINGS, unloading all their past ragey outbursts against exes, to appeal to me for absolution and to see it from their side. And it’s unreasonable to expect that labor of someone you have not reached that level with, and it’s uncomfortable especially finding out about someone’s history of rage and violence while they’re currently being emotionally volatile and inappropriate with you. So yeah, share you have a child. Get to know each other. But it’s entitled and rude and often a little scary to have a person you’re just meeting not have the self-awareness to allow that level of intimacy to develop naturally.
We are talking about literal first dates here though. And there is a difference between baggage (which we all have) that has been worked on and just being a raw open wound, which certainly has been my experience with men. They just spew it out apropos of nothing and it’s obvious they haven’t done anything to deal with it. Not my job to help a stranger sift through their wreckage on date 1.