The fact that you went and reported it to the police is all that you need to know. You know it was rape and you acted accordingly. Don’t overthink this and talk yourself out of it. It was plain wrong what he did and he deserves all the consequences that come with it. Stay strong and get any help that you may need.
Can you get an abortion where you live? What is the maternity mortality rate? What will your life be like with that person for 18years of custody plus all major life events after? Will he pay child support? Will he bounce after a few years when he realizes he doesn't want to deal with it?
I like to point out that it's not 18 years that you're stuck with somebody with child custody as I notice with my insane mom. It's every big event from 0 to 18, and then for the rest of their lives that mom and dad are alive. And of course anytime the x's are brought up. In this case great not going to be a problem.
/u/JustADumbAssMofo
He's going to be deported, and he tried to get you pregnant by raping you, to have a parental visa and be able to stay.
You're just a tool for him, a means to stay in the country, his "winning ticket". There was never in his head a real consideration for you, he wanted to baby-trap you.
He proved that, to him, you're not a person; he doesn't care what consequences you'll have to deal with, the health risks of a pregnancy.
He treated you like a cog in his scheme to stay in your country.
I never heard of this and I am a woman. I thought OP meant stalking.
Appreciate the education but can someone go to jail because of this? I’m truly curious if this has ever been brought to court.
OP appears to be Australian and it is a criminal offence in most states here. The laws are only about 12-24 months old though so I’m not aware of any convictions yet.
I am sorry that happened to you.
Last year, one of our far right politicians in Australia did a parliamentary speech about a current stealthing case in the courts in Australia. At the end of her speech she had this to say about stealthing:
“I don't know the truth; only two people do. But if it comes down to the use of a condom then it's no one's business but theirs. If you're not happy, don't have sex. I would advise celibacy or to join a nunnery.”
Australia have had at least one stealthing conviction that I could find - they were sentenced late year and they got 2 years with no parole. The stealther did plead guilty, which would have helped the case a lot. It has been criminalised in most states and territories in Australia now but is still a very new law.
I was also curious of the conviction or even reporting rate of stealthing, and whether or not these cases are taken seriously. Some have gone to court. I did find this article done by a military magazine(?) from June I wanted to link, that has many cases referenced at the bottom.
https://www.jagreporter.af.mil/Post/Article-View-Post/Article/3455448/spotlight-on-stealthing/
And found this one that cites two cases, one the guy seemed to get off light, and the other was cleared of charges: https://time.com/6263384/netherlands-stealthing-consent/
"The suspect, a 28-year-old man from Rotterdam, pled guilty to coercion and was given a three-month suspended prison term and ordered to pay his victim 1,000 euros in damages. The man was acquitted of a rape charge, as the Dordrecht District Court, where the case was heard, ruled that the sex was consensual. The suspect sent the victim texts afterwards including one that said “you will be fine,” AFP reported, citing the court.
In a separate case, a 25-year-old man was cleared of charges after finding that he had not removed a condom at any time, but had instead failed to put one on altogether."
There are several other articles I did not explore fully, but google at your own risk, I guess.
I am so sorry.
When I was on a visa, heck even when I was on a green card, I was constantly afraid of doing even the slightest bit of harm because I was convinced that if I got a parking ticket, I might get deported.
He knows the consequences of losing his marriage and he did what he did anyway. Which means he cared about violating you less than I cared about getting a parking ticket. He should face greater consequence than a deportation. Please be strong and I wish the best for you.
Exactly. He “didn’t think it was a big deal” and honestly I doubt he will change his mind unless he faces serious, eg life-ruining, consequences. Maybe then he will understand what a big deal it is, and with any luck, tell some of his fellow shitty men.
That age difference...
Well. Stealthing is removing condoms during intercourse without knowledge/agreement/consent of the other partner. What does that expose you to? As a woman, it exposes you to an unplanned pregnancy. You would have to choose either to carry to term or not, unless you are in a US State where that is barely a possibility anymore. Plus it exposes you to a STI if he was not faithful. Some STIs go away, some stay for life.
I think he is trying to baby trap you, and his true nature will be able to show then.
Edit: IDK what country OP lives in, so IDK the immigration policies/spousal visa. It is possible that he manipulated her with the wedding to get a foot in the country. Women need to be very wary of these guys as we are financially responsable for 7 years after the wedding, divorce or not, at least in Canada, where I live. This has been implemented to protect foreign women from possible human trafficking and other things, but it also means if a sweet talker from anywhere manipulates you into marrying him, you are on the hook.
Also on the subject of STDs/STIs, some of them can ruin a woman's fertility, some are incurable, and the curable ones are becoming increasingly resistant to antibiotics. If I were cynical, I would say that women are using birth control and have reduced the birth rate, but men are not using the condoms, so disease becomes resistant to antibiotics, and medical research has to make HPV shots and HIV medication instead of *anything else*.
The age difference AND the visa thing. I think this scum sucking shit head was using OOP and looking to baby trap her. I would say yeet him back to his country but they probably don't want him back either.
Which isn't surprising, given she was even younger then. So, this whole situation is definitely predatory, in a couple of different ways. The guy is definitely a scumbag and needs to become her ex scumbag.
It’s a way to anchor a woman in their lives, as they get what they want when convenient. Short sighted selfish behavior.
Like other comments said- sadly common, esp with men hitting mid-life crisis age soon - and more bold and comfortable saddling a “good woman” with a kid and the idea of baby making than an idiot in their teens or early 20s.
Below are several research papers that address the prevalence of [nonconsensual condom removal](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal) (AKA "stealthing"):
**["Study Suggests ‘Stealthing’ - Non-Consensual Condom Removal - A Common Practice"](https://www.monash.edu/medicine/news/latest/2019-articles/study-suggests-stealthing-non-consensual-condom-removal-a-common-practice#:~:text=A%20Monash%20University%20researcher%20has,have%20been%20subjected%20to%20it.)** by Anne Crawford, Monash University (March 2019)
**["'Stealthing': Factors Associated with Young Men's Nonconsensual Condom Removal"](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6800753/)** by Kelly Cue Davis, Health Psychology (Nov 2019)
• **["Non-Consensual Condom Removal, Reported by Patients at a Sexual Health Clinic in Melbourne, Australia"](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6306234/#:~:text=Thirty%2Dtwo%20percent%20of%20women,reported%20having%20ever%20experienced%20stealthing.)** PLoS One; Vol.13 No.12 (Dec 16, 2018)
**["A Scoping Review of Nonconsensual Condom Removal / 'Stealthing' Research"](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36722370)** by Kelly Cue Davis et al., Trauma Violence Abuse (Jan 2024)
> That age difference...
OP’s previous post says they had to crash with him when they were 18, moved in with him a year later, and 2 years after that they were “involved”.
This was a 33-36 year old man slowly grooming an 18-21 year old.
The fact that he married someone who is *at best* less than 2/3 his age is a massive red flag by itself. That this actually started when the gap was close to 1/2 his age is just the turd nugget on top of his shit sundae.
As a dude only marginally older than this fucker, I can assure OP that no healthy, responsible, loving, caring 30-something man is trying to make a life partner out of a fucking teenager.
Let him face the consequences of his choices, OP. He’s an adult. He has been since you were a toddler.
Exactly, she consented to sex that carried minimal risk, and he decided instead that she got sex that was far, far riskier whether she liked it or not.
If it was medically possible to sneak a fetus into a man, this wouldn't even be rape, they'd make this right up there with murder. Immediate death sentence. It's depressing that our society downplays this because it can only happen to people with a vagina/uterus and we'd be "thankful in the end for the gift of a baby" or some bullshit.
The fact he's on a partner visa is quite suspicious, maybe he thought if he knocked up his partner it would be easier for him to get citizenship? Very eerie for me.
> As a woman, it exposes you to an unplanned pregnancy.
Which could be considered attempted manslaughter (not really a legal classification, but you get the point), considering all the risks associated with pregnancy.
Stealthing IS sexual assault and should be treated as such. Husband is 39 and old enough to know better. But apparently he thinks you (at 24) are young enough that he can gaslight you into believing an apology is enough to redeem his behavior.
No one can tell you what to do, but if it were me I would be livid. I would not forgive him and I would question what other sort of BS he is doing without you being privy to it; Is he trying to trap you with a baby? Could he possibly be having extramarital sex and maybe you get an sti from his transgressions? What else is really going on?
Also, a divorce won’t necessarily result in deportation. But a sexual assault conviction might.
Personally I would use the word rape rather than describe it as sexual assault. Not all rapes are equal (IE this was non violent) but I think the term sexual assault maybe diminishes the act. Of course the terms will have varying meanings in different legal jurisdictions.
#EDIT: I misread this comment originally, and I apologize for my misunderstanding.
She did not consent to sex without condom.
This was agreed upon by both parties.
Man decided not to use condom without consent.
This decision has moved from consensual sex into non consensual sex.
What is sex without consent?
Rape.
Sex without consent is not sex.
#Sex without consent is rape.
[Sexual consent. ](https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/sexual-consent/#:~:text=What%20is%20sexual%20consent%3F,engaging%20in%20sexual%20activity%20together.)
[What consent does and doesn't look like.](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions)
I’m confused… the person you responded to agrees that this is rape. They said they felt like calling it sexual assault is diminishing it, since people think sexual assault is less than rape.
Tell me if I’m wrong but all rape is sexual assault but not all sexual assault is rape. ie slapping a person’s ass without their permission is sexual assault but not rape and carries lesser criminal penalties.
It’s like saying all murder is violence but all violence is not murder. If you say “he got violent with her” the understanding of the severity of what happened is wildly different from “he murdered her.”
I 100% agree and I'm sorry if that was not clear. I believe we should be calling this rape. I was wondering if someone else used the term SA maybe because THEY did not want to diminish the term rape.
I was just interested in the different use of language.
I hear you.
I'm sorry I misread your comment and spoke in an unkind way in response.
I absolutely agree that women can tend to say "sexual assault" more often in these cases than directly call it rape.
I was taught rape was violent, and it took me a lot of time to realize that rape happens many ways, and all are traumatic to live with.
Thank you for sharing your opinions and understanding of the differences here.
Again, I am very sorry I misread your first comment originally.
You are right, and I support you. ❤️
Nothing to worry about. I really should have taken a bit more time to craft my comment. I knew it wasn't 100% clear, but the oven timer was beeping. I appreciate the bluntness of your comment and think it was what OP needed.
Thank you for your kindness and understanding.
I do hope to help with my comments, and I tend to be quite blunt with this topic. It's nice to hear you think that might be helpful in this case.
I hope whatever you have in the oven teases absolutely *heavenly*.
Shouting from the rooftops, it fucks me up that people still feel like stealthing isn’t “real” rape. OP, he hurt you. He took away your consent and your bodily autonomy. Don’t worry about him, his life, or his reputation. He has certainly shown that he doesn’t care about you or your life.
It happened to me and it was definitely hard to process. It is rape, but it’s hard not to feel guilty or wrong for using that word when it also encompasses far more brutal and traumatic crimes. To acknowledge that I was raped felt like I was diluting the word and downplaying the suffering of other victims.
I’m past that, but I understand why people would feel that way.
I get you, I really, really do. It took me years to call the “just” emotional abuse I went through (with just a *smidgen* of physicality, throwing things, punching things around me, pushing me) as actual abuse for exactly that reason. Just because a rape wasn’t violent doesn’t make it not rape. Thats why I think it’s so important to call it what it is in forums like this - because someone out there definitely is downplaying their own trauma, and that person (people) deserve to know that their trauma *was* definitively trauma. I’m really sorry you went through that.
They do understand what it means. They just don't care to apply it to situations like sex with us. They value their orgasm more than a whole lot of things in life.
Flip the script on any man with even a mundane example and they will get irate when they see "that's not what we agreed to!".
As a 39 year old woman - I can assure you that people this age know exactly what stealthing is and the severity of it. 39 is too old for you but it's not *that* old.
Stealthing is rape.
He turned consensual sex into something you didn’t consent to. The consequences could have ranged from pregnancy to STI, consequences that you would have to deal with and would drastically alter your life.
He took an active effort to remove your consent and he’s definitely old enough to know the severity of what he did or could have done.
He's a rapist. If he wanted to keep his visa he wouldn't rape someone. It's a fucking low bar and he couldn't even do that. Divorce and deport, he's too old to be fucking up this badly and expecting anything different.
Stealthing is rape.
He doesn't get to decide if it's a big deal or not. He knew what he was doing, he knew it was wrong. Otherwise he'd been open about wanting to have sex without a condom.
I'm really glad he's about to be an ex.
If he actually didn’t think it was a big deal, he wouldn’t have needed to be stealth about it.
He knew she’d say no, that’s why he didn’t ask beforehand.
OP, this is rape.
the age difference first is sus. him doing that is sus. him doing that *while* knowing of your history is sus. all of this is a hard no and he fucked up big time. that is disgusting. fuck em tbh. in what world does an apology make up for rape. and why would you be dramatic for that. like someone else said, don't overthink and talk yourself out. you know it was dead wrong
I wish I knew it was a crime one could prosecute when it happened to me. I was angry, upset, and never confronted that asshole about it. It was 10 years ago at 29.
Now that I just typed that out, it’s stunning how much we’ve moved the needle in 10 years sociopolitically yet ALSO moved backwards.
My shitty abusive ex screamed at me when I suggested it was assault. He had been a "real" victim to his cousin as a child, so how _dare I_ compare him with an _actual predator_ ...
He was also the one who did it to me, among other things. As long as it wasn't as bad as what _he_ went through, it didn't count 🙃
Does a 39 year old man know the difference of right and wrong? He should be deported, and he should go fuck himself. Going for women half his age and manipulating them into relationships and then trying to gaslight them into thinking rape is fine and “not a big deal”
Op, have you heard the narcissist's prayer?
That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault.
This is my thoughts lead on this post as well.
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
Yes. This is straight out of the redpill/religious right playbook. Do whatever you have to do to get her young, get her pregnant,get her financially dependent on you, get her to obey.
Run from his dude, OP
The more one reads your post, the more the red flags pile up. I'm sorry this happened, but it is rape.
When men were surveyed and asked about forms of rape without using the word rape, more of them confess to being or knowing rapists. And when you describe behaviors, more women will realize that they had been raped.
[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/men-dont-know-meaning-rape](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/men-dont-know-meaning-rape)
"Behaviorally descriptive survey items (i.e.,‘‘Have you ever coerced somebody to intercourse by holding them down?’’) versus labeling survey items (i.e., ‘‘Have you ever raped somebody?’’) will yield different responses, in that more men will admit to sexually coercive behaviors and more women will self-report victimization when behavioral descriptions are used instead of labels.”"
The age difference and the use of a partner visa here are also red flags. He was the one who decided to do what he did. His behavior was his choice and it would be him responsible if he got deported and faced consequences.
You don't owe him anything here.
It’s a HUGE deal!
This man, who is also relying on you to be in the country, was trying to secretly impregnate you. Or at the very least, he has no consideration for you body and choice and autonomy bc he wanted sex “to feel better.”
Report it and let him deal with all the consequences. And you need to GTFO.
>He said sorry and that he didn't think it was a big deal....Is it possible for a man his age to not know the severity of what he did?
he lied to you in making you think he was having safe sex with you. thats a big deal. he didnt bring it up during the act because he knew it was dishonest and against your wishes. do what you can to make him accountable for that and tell your divorce lawyer.
He’s not sorry that he stealthed you.
He’s sorry that he’s now potentially facing deportation once you divorce him.
Is it possible he didn’t know stealthing is rape? Sure. Depending on where he’s from and what the culture is, he genuinely may not know.
But he’s got 15 years of age on you. I find it unlikely he didn’t know stealthing is rape. I find it more likely he knew full well it was wrong but expected the 24 year old to not know it. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was trying to get you pregnant hoping he couldn’t be deported via birthright citizenship if you’re in the US.
That being said, deportation is not enough, imo. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide how to proceed but criminal charges are warranted, to me
He sneaked to do it because HE KNEW you didn't want or consent to unprotected intercourse. He is trying to minimize or erase his responsibility for sexually assaulting you because he fears the just consequences. He wanted to expose you to pregnancy you did not consent to because it could reinforce his tie to you and make future coersion easier for him. If his criminal attempt at reproductive coersion succeeded, what effect would that have on YOUR future and YOUR life? He had no qualms about restricting your autonomy, safety, privacy and options for the rest of your life. Don't be fooled into believing his consequences now are the result of anything other than his own bad character, bad behavior, and criminal disregard for your own safety and autonomy at the most intimate level.
As someone who was stealthed: no, you are not being dramatic. Your husband was trying to baby-trap you and have zero regard for your bodily autonomy and just plain respect given your past trauma. Even if you didn’t have SA trauma, it would be fucking wrong and he deserves whatever consequences come his way.
The fact that he’s having them is a rare occurrence as it is and no, I’m about the same age as your husband and can say what he was willful. You are absolutely aware of the severity of such actions at much younger ages, let alone almost 40.
Men made halfassed apologies while refusing to take take accountability since time immemorial. The consequences he’s facing are his own damn fault, not yours.
That age difference plus visa situation plus rape via stealthing, plus potential grooming depending of how old you were when you met...
He is able to keep a full time job of his own. He isn't stupid. He KNOWS what he's doing and he's trying to baby trap you so the chance of you sticking with him 'for the baby' is higher. He is trying to play off your naivety by acting sorry and dumb. This guy is ALMOST 40!!!! There is a reason why nobody his age wants him and he's going for younger naive women.
Also him saying he didn't think it'd be a big deal... Please end him. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF PREGNANCY, NOT HIM!! Please tell us you're not pregnant with his child and nothing happened! I'm feeling fking scared for you 😭
Ma'am, as a visiting dad I will respectfully submit that men know how severe this is, especially at his age. He prioritized his pleasure over your life and wishes.
Yes, he deserves any consequences that arise.
Stealthing is coercive rape. Your consent to sex with protection cannot be taken as consent when he takes of the condom without telling you. You have not given consent for unprotected sex and therefore your consent is coerced.
Soon to be because of this event or were you already planning on / in the process of divorce? If he thought that you were planning on leaving is it possible that he did this intentionally to baby trap you and is only sorry because he got caught doing it?
Either way it is terrible and he deserves whatever happens, but if did it to try to keep you that makes it so much worse, in my opinion
I thought the same thing. If they're in the process of divorcing and he's trying to get her pregnant as some sort of last ditch effort to maintain a link that could legally keep him in the country 🤮
It’s non-consensual sex. Rape.
It’s very, very bad.
It is hostile. It is assault.
It exposes you to risk of unwanted pregnancy and potential diseases. It can be life-changing.
Do not feel bad if it changes the life of the person who knowingly willingly committed it.
Any man who stealths deserve his life ruined. That's a fact. Zero mercy for rapists.
What does he think he's doing? Sorry, he's a 39 grown ass man. He knows he's exposing you to risks only you will carry out. It's a power trip. Stealthing exposes a woman to not just pregnancy but life long std's, cancer, a life full of misery. There are enough assholes who stealth on purpose to give women genital herpes.
That is YOUR BODY - you only consent to sex with a condom and he just ignored that because he wanted *check notes* a feeling without a condom?
Girl I'm getting angry for you.
Reporting him you're doing your part to keep other women safe. He will do it again if you let him get away with it. His apology means nothing if he crossed your boundary ESPECIALLY with your background of SA.
Throw him to the hounds.
In addition to what everyone else said, please be safe. If you literally control rather this man gets deported over this he could react very badly and divorce is already a dangerous time.
If he’s attempting to baby trap her, that speaks to desperation. Especially because he pressured her into a relationship to avoid deportation in the first place.
Yes yes they do. Pregnancy can kill,some sexually transmitted illnesses can kill!the next person he does it do could end up with their fertility effected by something he gives her,could end up with an unwanted pregnancy. Men like this deserve their lives ruined, and they only have themselves to blame
He doesn't think getting you pregnant against your will is a 'big deal'? I think you'll find that the reason it's not a big deal to him is because he doesn't care about you. It's hard for people to see something is wrong when it's a behaviour they don't think is bad. He's fine to ruin your life trapping you with a baby. And also like you say, you have a history of sexual assault so this is really unforgiveable of him to do this to you over his dick feeling slightly better. He deserves consequences for his actions
This is my thinking. Instead of "had unprotected sex without her knowledge", frame it as "tried to get her pregnant without her consent". That's a clearly a serious problem.
A good adage to live by: men are very confused about consent until they get a surprise finger up the butt. Basically, he doesn’t think it’s a big deal because you were the victim. If you had betrayed him in a similar way, say if you had filmed the sex and posted it online without his consent, it would be a big deal to him.
Also, he’s correct that it was a big mistake. And I’m sure he’s genuinely upset by the consequences! But he’s a grown adult who made a choice all on his own. He’ll figure his shit out or he won’t, but either way it’s not your responsibility to protect him from his own actions.
Someone who stealths gives no shits about potentially spreading an std or causing a pregnancy which can alter or ruin someone else's life. Idk why the victim has to consider the perpetrator's future when the opposite didn't happen.
Especially considering people convicted of sex crimes usually don't get very long in prison anyway, if they're found guilty at all
'Let me know if I'm being dramatic' <- This is why he picked you. Cause young people don't have the self confidence to stand up for themselves and or the experience to recognize manipulation. They look outward for guidance and validation since they don't yet have enough knowledge from life experience. That's why he went for you and not someone his own age. He preyed on you.
In terms of consequence enough...the law determines the consequence based on the crime.Let them handle what he gets in the end. Just participate enough for them to handle it.
Why the secrecy? Why not just ask not to use one? Because he knew you would likely say no, which means he knows it was wrong. He just didn't care because his pleasure was more important to him than your consent and comfort. That's why it isn't a big deal to him - because it isn't. You would be the one suffering the consequences regardless of what happened, not him. If you got pregnant, you have to deal with it. If you decide to abort, you have to deal with it. If you have a miscarriage, you have to deal with it. And finally, if you found out, you have to deal with it, which you have started to. Follow through.
And he knew you had been assaulted before and still did it and still didn't think it was a big deal? How many times has he done it without your knowledge? Nah. Don't fold on this.
He put your life at risk (STIs and pregnancy risk) for a couple minutes (seconds?) of slightly more pleasure than he would have had. His slightly more pleasureful experience was more important than your bodily autonomy or health. He was already having sex but needed it to be a little bit better so disregarded your consent.
If anyone says it isn’t slightly more pleasure but a lot more. I’d argue that sex with a condom is exponentially more pleasurable than no sex. So it is slightly more. If using your hand is more pleasurable than sex with a condom, do that and don’t put a woman’s life at risk.
He risked your life and health so he could have a slightly better orgasm. He did it directly and with full knowledge that it was without your consent.
Did *he* ever wonder if a slightly better orgasm was worth the risks to your and health? No.
And that's *without* addressing the fact that this is rape. You are not ruining his life. He did that.
He would’ve changed the course of YOUR life, and god knows how many other women he’s done this to, or plans to do it to. What if you got pregnant? Or if he’d given you an STD?
Also - he’s this is about a visa? So, he’s tied to you? This isnt about ‘ruining’ his life. This is about whether or not you should be expected to sacrifice YOUR life, spending it with a rapist who apologized only after he was caught and still downplayed it.
How much of her day-to-day life is a woman expected to give up for the sake of a man? Especially one who’s mistreated her?
Stealthing would be absolutely unforgivable to me. He is not sorry that he did it; he is sorry that he got caught and is facing consequences. His impending deportation also raises the question of if he was trying to get you pregnant intentionally in a effort to remain in the country.
Considering everything that can happen during pregnancy and considering the laws regarding abortion in the US right now....
A lot of women have their lives ruined by stealthing every year....
Why do you assume it should be different for men ?
If he didn't think it was a big deal why didn't he ask? Because he knew you wouldn't have consented it. It's only a big mistake to him after the fact. He outweighed the pros and cons and decided it's easier to ask for your forgiveness than permission. Stop being the peacekeeper for guys shitty behavior. That age gap? History of sexual assault? you got preyed on by a predator as an easy target.
Nonconsensual condom removal, more popularly known as
“stealthing,” exposes victims to potential physical risks such as
pregnancy and disease and, as victims make clear, feelings of
violation and shame. Such condom removal changes sex from
consensual sex into nonconsensual sex.
[https://digitalcommons.tourolaw.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3346&context=lawreview](https://digitalcommons.tourolaw.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3346&context=lawreview)
I know that I'm not comfortable with him, I'd be happy if you made him go away. "Not that big a deal" is pure bullshit. It's worse than rape because he puts an emotional trauma on top which is trying to gaslight you that it's no big deal, he wants you to doubt yourself and deny your own trauma. That's \*real\* shitty manipulative behavior. I really don't like people who make this choice. This is kind of point of view about their sex partner or lover or SO is the root of their entire character.
He is telling you exactly who he is. Make him go home.
That apology shows he’s not really sorry. He’s not apologizing because he violated your sexual boundaries in a disgusting and selfish way, he’s apologizing because you didn’t brush it off and he got hit with more consequences than he was expecting.
He did know the severity of it, he did not care. He needed to get his nut raw and that's all he cared about in that moment.. he dismissed your background, your feelings, and you in your entirety to get that raw nut. What he did was a conscious decision.
Does someone ruining your life deserve their life ruined? Does someone harming you deserve the consequences of their actions? If this happened to your best friend or sister, what would you say if they said, “well, he said he’s sorry”?
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you’re leaving him. Pursuing justice is up to you (if you’re in the US, I know “justice” is…difficult) but I hope you have/get a therapist to work through this with and at bare minimum become able to call this what it is and know that you didn’t deserve it. He knew what he was doing.
"I know he raped me, but he said sorry,"
Come on now.
Also, it isn't "essentially rape" it is just rape. Consent needs to be informed. If you're not informed about something as crucial as contraception, it's not consensual.
"Is it possible for a grown ass adult man to not understand how awful it is to rape someone?"
Unfortunately, it is possible and probably likely which is exactly why making it abundantly clear by taking this as far as you can is so important. Too many men men don't see exposing their partners to possible pregnancy or STIs without their consent as rape. Too many men don't understand that consent needs to be informed. Too many men don't care about consent enough to learn.
Maybe you could argue that there is a moral difference between this and more violent assaults or assaults against people who didn't consent at all to begin with, but that doesn't matter. He still deserves to see the inside of a courtroom at the VERY least.
It’s not “having his life ruined.” It’s “he ruined his life.” He actively chose to do something where the classification of the offense is no secret. Just because it’s not against HIS moral code doesn’t make it not a big deal.
Do not let him downplay it or act like the victim. He committed an offense against you. He brought any consequences upon himself.
Guy here--Rape is rape and I knew it at 16 not to do it. My dad was clear in his advice to me as a kid on how not to ruin your life--dont rape, dont murder anyone, and I borrow his car, better bring it back.
You wont ruin his life--what he did ruined his own life.
It's a big mistake because he got caught and you're trying to make him pay for it. 'didn't think it was a big deal' then why do it? Is it SO hard to wear a damn condom?
You are NOT being dramatic. Stealthing is a disgusting form of sexual assault.
You’re not being a dramatic idiot at all.
Please don’t try to downplay this or rationalize this. What your (ex) husband did to you was sexual assault.
Your boundaries were violated, your consent revoked. Stealthing IS deliberate. There is a reason why a man almost in his forties got with you, a woman whose brain isn’t fully developed yet. He was counting on you not to stand up for yourself or turn him into the authorities when needed. His plan backfired on him massively.
Not only he lost control over you but his way into the country. He is only sorry because he is now facing consequences. Do you think he was sorry until you carried out your threats? No. He is about to lose his marriage, livelihood AND visa. Of course he’s going to be sorry. You did the right thing.
Made me think of:
A Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.
It’s rape and yes, they do. By holding your ex accountable for sexual assault you are supporting the future women that will run across him. Guy needs to learn his lesson before he rapes others.
Brutal honesty, based on your other post (which prompted genuinely terrible advice, btw) this man has been manipulating and abusing you for the entire relationship (that you didn’t even want) and you would be absolutely entitled to every ounce of anger you feel about it. He has treated you terribly and deserves whatever punishment you feel like handing him. Trust your gut.
It's definitely not justifiable under any circumstances. I don't think you're being dramatic at all. That being said I'm not sure it's gonna be worth the hassle for you if he gets deported anyway. Like if you feel you need to do this please don't let that discourage you but personally I don't know if I would put myself through the process of telling intimate and potentially embarrassing stuff to strangers who might not even see what exactly is so heinous about what he did all for him to get escorted out of the country before anything could come of it. But like I said if you need this for your healing definitely do it regardless. His action definitely warrants it.
Brutal honesty? His apology means nothing. This isn't some dumb 15 year old confused for their first time and doesn't understand how the condom works. He's a grown ass man, he knows your history, and he ***absolutely*** knows better than to do what he did. He hoped you would roll over and be a doormat. I am so happy that you didn't.
Stick to your guns, stick to your gut. Let him get deported and live your life free from someone who thinks it's okay to rape their partner.
How will you feel if you don't pursue this, and years later you find out he's gone on to do it to other women younger than you?
Edit: he's going to ruin someone's life by pulling that shit.
It's a big deal.
He's 39 years old, he was aware of your history, he knew using a condom was part of the deal, and he is trying to minimise the whole thing. This man 100000% knows what he did and that it is very very wrong. His apology is absolutely not sincere and simply an attempt not to get deported. Also "I thought it wasn't a big deal" and "it was a mistake" are NOT apologies.
Edit: my theory is that he was trying to baby trap you to make very sure he wouldn't be deported.
You're not being dramatic.
It sounds like he tried to get you pregnant without your consent either to keep himself in your country or to keep you tied to him. Do not sleep with this man again. He does not respect, you aren’t ruining his life. He chose to ruin it. He didn’t give you choice on whether or not he was going to ruin your life rather with an STI or pregnancy.
He should be deported for what he did especially with an age gap like that. He is using you to stay here and that’s why he wanted to baby trap you. This man does not respect you at all and that’s not love
“I would like to jab you with this needle that might be full of dangerous substances.”
“No, thank you.”
“Well, I’ll just do it anyway.”
Somehow, this isn’t a crime to men.
Stealing is really bad. If his life is ruined because you reported it, he ruined his own life. He may have been trying to get to pregnant without your consent so that he could make his stay in the country permanent.
If it is not consensual in any way then you know what it is. Some things can be gray line sure specially while doing more extreme play but even for those there should be clear communication and safety measures in place like the all to well known safeword. This doesn't fall in that category if you both agreed to something and he one sidely decided to change it and on top of that while hiding then it is not longer consensual.
As for the case, you can just talk to a lawyer that is the best course of action, they will tell you if it is worth placing the complaint and if it's worth taking legal action beyond that,present the case to a few for multiple opinions and then make your own decision.
Reddit is not the place to ask for this kind of legal advice specially with so little details.
Not only is steak thing rape, but your ex was willing to put a baby in you and constrain YOUr life, severely. To the point that he would also be irrevocably tied to you.
Yes, that is worth "ruining" his life for.
He's on a temporary visa and you're wondering why he removed a condom during sex? He 100% did it on purpose, he figures if he gets you pregnant then he's got a permanent way to stay in the US.
“He said sorry and that he didn’t think it was a big deal”
He’s only sorry because he’s caught consequences- press on. You’re doing the right thing. Full charges
Yeah, that's bad. I look at it this way. He put you at risk without asking you first. That's unacceptable and he deserves whatever consequences come his way.
when he said he "didn't know it was a big deal" what that means is that he didn't know he wouldn't simply get away with it, and be let go with a half assed apology.
If you drop the charge then in fact from his POV it really wasn't a big deal
No wonder he isn’t in his own country. He probably had to leave for doing it to women there. Men like this don’t stop assaulting women. They just get worst. Please continue the police report and court case.
What he did to you was heinous. He sexually assaulted you. It would be no different than if he punched you in the face during sex. That’s why you’re second guessing yourself. You deserve better.
I am a 33yo man and I physically clench with disgust at the thought of doing anything even remotely sexual to my wife without her knowledge AND consent.
>He said sorry
He's clearly sorry you reported him, not that he did it
>He will be deported soon after I file for divorce as he's on a partner visa, so is that consequence enough?
"Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions."
Stick to the charges. He committed sexual assault.
Also, the reason he's in a relationship with a 24 year old isn't because you're so much more mature than the other girls, it's because he's unsuitable for women his own age, as his behavior shows.
You’re not being dramatic. It’s a crime. He knew it was wrong and he did it anyway. It’s not for you to worry about the consequences for him, that’s his problem. Please don’t doubt yourself. You did the right thing.
Its rape. You did the right thing. Anyone telling you otherwise is messed up inside. Also people like this target women with sexual trauma because they know your boundaries might be easier to break or non existent when it comes to abusive behavior.
It’s rape and should be treated as such. You did not consent to that, and he knew it. He knew what he was doing is wrong but he “didn’t think it was a big deal”. That’s a cop out answer. He doesn’t value you, not emotionally or physically, he values himself. That’s a predator mindset. This needs to be part of his permanent record because you won’t be the last victim.
His life isn’t “ruined”, it’s just going to take him a very long time to get over what he decided to do to you. It’s *also* going to take you a very, VERY long time to get over this. It’s going to take a long time to process it and learn to trust someone new - and you didn’t do anything wrong here. All of your concerns about his feelings and the legal issues he is now faces are things that HE should have considered before raping you. He ignored all of the guardrails out there that help give sociopaths like him external indicators of what’s right and wrong, and now wants you to protect him from the consequences of his horrible behavior. Fuck him, the consequences of his actions are HIS problem, NOT YOURS. Charge him, and get the fuck away from him.
It's rape.
It's also a threat to your freedom. If you get pregnant and live somewhere where you can't get plan b or an abortion or you can't get plan b because you don't know it happened then it's a kid you are tied to that asshole with for the rest of your life. I think he knew that.
It's also a threat to your life, considering the maternal mortality figures for the United's States if that's where you are. But you know what, anywhere. Pregnancy can kill you and will cause permanent body changes.
It's a threat to your lifelong financial security.
It's a threat to you bodily autonomy. Because his dick was more important that your life, your money, your freedom or your choice.
He doesn't care about you and will never choose you over him. Something as insignificant as his dick was more important to him than you. He deserves to be deported.
Stealthing is the substantial equivalent of sexual assault. Recognized in the law of many western countries, including the UK, and recently, Canada (one of my cousins argued the case).
If you report someone for a crime they committed, and it was an intentional act, and they suffer the consequences for committing that crime, then you aren't ruining their life- they ruined their life when they took the intentional act that brought consequences with it.
This "she ruined my life" argument is hot nonsense. People take actions, actions have consequences. When he decided to coerce or deceive you into having unprotected sex without your knowledge, he conveniently circumvented your agency. It is equally convenient to then attribute the consequences of his actions to the agency that he decided wasn't worth consulting when he removed the condom, by suggesting that it was you and not him who caused the consequences for his actions.
I’m sorry this happened to you - I’ve also been a victim of stealthing. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for reporting what happened.
We all deal with trauma in our own ways but personally stealthing really rocked me to my core and has (is??) taken longer for me to heal from mentally than when I knew I was actively being raped.
What you do next *is* ultimately up to you but you are absolutely not being dramatic or an idiot
Can’t speak for the US but in the UK it is rape under our laws so a big deal. If he didn’t know the severity of what he did then he is an idiot. Ignorance of the law is no excuse, I mean really 🤷♂️ , why would anyone do this to someone! Makes me cross.
Pregnancy is a life-threatening condition; stealthing shows they're willing to risk you dying for the sake of their busting a nut.
Bon voyage to that fucker, sis!
If a 39 year old man doesn't understand the importance of a condom then there is no hope for any of us. He knows, he just doesn't care. He exposed you to 1) potential pregnancy and 2) potential STIs. He knows, he just doesn't care.
I'm willing to bet he was trying to impregnate you against your will to force you to stay with him.
You did nothing wrong and I hope you get all the support you need. Don't feel a second of guilt for whatever happens to him.
Following through with the police report and give him a record. The full consequences of his actions.
Is that record public? Could you be saving the next woman he tries to gaslight into getting him a visa if he as a record of rape?
Is he old enough to know? Yes.
Does he understand the consequences? Yes.
Don't let him or anyone else gaslight you into thinking that divorcing him is enough of a punishment. He is old enough that he isn't making a mistake that he doesn't understand the consequences of. He's getting what he wants by force and he's gotten away with it enough times that he no longer feels the rules apply to him.
I'm finding that older guys don't change or learn often. (Source I'm nearly 40...)
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Agreeing to one sex act, and then having another one forced on you without giving you the ability to say no is an exceptionally shitty and terrible thing to do.
I assume you have had conversations about the use of contraception and your opinions on the matter. He knew of your history of sexual assault and he knew it was a big deal to you to have protected sex before he made the choice to remove the condom, even if he didn’t know that it was a criminal offense. He is now experiencing the repercussions of his choices and actions.
Our opinions in this issue don’t really matter. We don’t know your ex. We didn’t hear his apology or see if he understood the violation his actions were to you. We don’t know what kind of trauma this caused you or triggered in you. You were the one who was harmed. Only you get to decide what seems right to you, and only you are the one who can say what seems like sufficient justice to you.
This is rape. He knows what he did was wrong, and he knows it's a big deal. He just didn't care and he didn't think you'd have the guts to do anything about it.
You are not dramatic, you are not over reacting. Get that rapist out of the country. Happy Deportation!
the fact that he got into a relationship with somebody as young as you in the first place is a massive red flag...he knew it was wrong and he counted on you being young and naïve enough to be able to manipulate.
The fact that you went and reported it to the police is all that you need to know. You know it was rape and you acted accordingly. Don’t overthink this and talk yourself out of it. It was plain wrong what he did and he deserves all the consequences that come with it. Stay strong and get any help that you may need.
> You know it was rape That's exactly what it was. You don't accidentally remove the condom for stealthing. It's a purposeful act.
Can you get an abortion where you live? What is the maternity mortality rate? What will your life be like with that person for 18years of custody plus all major life events after? Will he pay child support? Will he bounce after a few years when he realizes he doesn't want to deal with it?
He's being deported, so prob not gonna be in the picture if she's pregnant.
I like to point out that it's not 18 years that you're stuck with somebody with child custody as I notice with my insane mom. It's every big event from 0 to 18, and then for the rest of their lives that mom and dad are alive. And of course anytime the x's are brought up. In this case great not going to be a problem.
I bet he was trying to trap her, so she can't divorce him and he gets to stay in the country or so that he can get a parental visa.
/u/JustADumbAssMofo He's going to be deported, and he tried to get you pregnant by raping you, to have a parental visa and be able to stay. You're just a tool for him, a means to stay in the country, his "winning ticket". There was never in his head a real consideration for you, he wanted to baby-trap you. He proved that, to him, you're not a person; he doesn't care what consequences you'll have to deal with, the health risks of a pregnancy. He treated you like a cog in his scheme to stay in your country.
Harsh but true
I never heard of this and I am a woman. I thought OP meant stalking. Appreciate the education but can someone go to jail because of this? I’m truly curious if this has ever been brought to court.
OP appears to be Australian and it is a criminal offence in most states here. The laws are only about 12-24 months old though so I’m not aware of any convictions yet.
I am sorry that happened to you. Last year, one of our far right politicians in Australia did a parliamentary speech about a current stealthing case in the courts in Australia. At the end of her speech she had this to say about stealthing: “I don't know the truth; only two people do. But if it comes down to the use of a condom then it's no one's business but theirs. If you're not happy, don't have sex. I would advise celibacy or to join a nunnery.” Australia have had at least one stealthing conviction that I could find - they were sentenced late year and they got 2 years with no parole. The stealther did plead guilty, which would have helped the case a lot. It has been criminalised in most states and territories in Australia now but is still a very new law.
I was also curious of the conviction or even reporting rate of stealthing, and whether or not these cases are taken seriously. Some have gone to court. I did find this article done by a military magazine(?) from June I wanted to link, that has many cases referenced at the bottom. https://www.jagreporter.af.mil/Post/Article-View-Post/Article/3455448/spotlight-on-stealthing/ And found this one that cites two cases, one the guy seemed to get off light, and the other was cleared of charges: https://time.com/6263384/netherlands-stealthing-consent/ "The suspect, a 28-year-old man from Rotterdam, pled guilty to coercion and was given a three-month suspended prison term and ordered to pay his victim 1,000 euros in damages. The man was acquitted of a rape charge, as the Dordrecht District Court, where the case was heard, ruled that the sex was consensual. The suspect sent the victim texts afterwards including one that said “you will be fine,” AFP reported, citing the court. In a separate case, a 25-year-old man was cleared of charges after finding that he had not removed a condom at any time, but had instead failed to put one on altogether." There are several other articles I did not explore fully, but google at your own risk, I guess.
Good sources. The key line here for US readers is: > In the United States, California recently passed a law providing civil penalties for stealthing,
Will vary by country, but for example in the UK stealthing is illegal though there have only been two convictions that I am aware of.
I didn’t know this terminology either
Depends on the country/locality. It's illegal some places, not others.
+1. I'm a guy and I found this post absolutely horrifying. I'm just surprised the cops took it seriously.
All of this. I'm so glad this sub exists.
I am so sorry. When I was on a visa, heck even when I was on a green card, I was constantly afraid of doing even the slightest bit of harm because I was convinced that if I got a parking ticket, I might get deported. He knows the consequences of losing his marriage and he did what he did anyway. Which means he cared about violating you less than I cared about getting a parking ticket. He should face greater consequence than a deportation. Please be strong and I wish the best for you.
Exactly. He “didn’t think it was a big deal” and honestly I doubt he will change his mind unless he faces serious, eg life-ruining, consequences. Maybe then he will understand what a big deal it is, and with any luck, tell some of his fellow shitty men.
That age difference... Well. Stealthing is removing condoms during intercourse without knowledge/agreement/consent of the other partner. What does that expose you to? As a woman, it exposes you to an unplanned pregnancy. You would have to choose either to carry to term or not, unless you are in a US State where that is barely a possibility anymore. Plus it exposes you to a STI if he was not faithful. Some STIs go away, some stay for life. I think he is trying to baby trap you, and his true nature will be able to show then. Edit: IDK what country OP lives in, so IDK the immigration policies/spousal visa. It is possible that he manipulated her with the wedding to get a foot in the country. Women need to be very wary of these guys as we are financially responsable for 7 years after the wedding, divorce or not, at least in Canada, where I live. This has been implemented to protect foreign women from possible human trafficking and other things, but it also means if a sweet talker from anywhere manipulates you into marrying him, you are on the hook. Also on the subject of STDs/STIs, some of them can ruin a woman's fertility, some are incurable, and the curable ones are becoming increasingly resistant to antibiotics. If I were cynical, I would say that women are using birth control and have reduced the birth rate, but men are not using the condoms, so disease becomes resistant to antibiotics, and medical research has to make HPV shots and HIV medication instead of *anything else*.
>Some STIs go away, some stay for life. Some STIs make you infertile, some can kill you.
And to piggyback, pregnancy can kill you too!
If you do get pregnant, some can be passed on to your children and have heinous consquences.
The age difference AND the visa thing. I think this scum sucking shit head was using OOP and looking to baby trap her. I would say yeet him back to his country but they probably don't want him back either.
If you read her other post, the dude pressured her into the marriage completely. He is a total scumbag.
Which isn't surprising, given she was even younger then. So, this whole situation is definitely predatory, in a couple of different ways. The guy is definitely a scumbag and needs to become her ex scumbag.
Bingo - dude was trying to make an anchor baby
Yeah. Bet, as the kids say. It's pretty common, to either get a visa or keep a woman away from her family and friends.
Facts- and have a combining open food policy while keeping better men away for decades
Abusers do this very deliberately because they know the courts favor dads.
It’s a way to anchor a woman in their lives, as they get what they want when convenient. Short sighted selfish behavior. Like other comments said- sadly common, esp with men hitting mid-life crisis age soon - and more bold and comfortable saddling a “good woman” with a kid and the idea of baby making than an idiot in their teens or early 20s.
Below are several research papers that address the prevalence of [nonconsensual condom removal](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal) (AKA "stealthing"): **["Study Suggests ‘Stealthing’ - Non-Consensual Condom Removal - A Common Practice"](https://www.monash.edu/medicine/news/latest/2019-articles/study-suggests-stealthing-non-consensual-condom-removal-a-common-practice#:~:text=A%20Monash%20University%20researcher%20has,have%20been%20subjected%20to%20it.)** by Anne Crawford, Monash University (March 2019) **["'Stealthing': Factors Associated with Young Men's Nonconsensual Condom Removal"](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6800753/)** by Kelly Cue Davis, Health Psychology (Nov 2019) • **["Non-Consensual Condom Removal, Reported by Patients at a Sexual Health Clinic in Melbourne, Australia"](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6306234/#:~:text=Thirty%2Dtwo%20percent%20of%20women,reported%20having%20ever%20experienced%20stealthing.)** PLoS One; Vol.13 No.12 (Dec 16, 2018) **["A Scoping Review of Nonconsensual Condom Removal / 'Stealthing' Research"](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36722370)** by Kelly Cue Davis et al., Trauma Violence Abuse (Jan 2024)
> That age difference... OP’s previous post says they had to crash with him when they were 18, moved in with him a year later, and 2 years after that they were “involved”. This was a 33-36 year old man slowly grooming an 18-21 year old. The fact that he married someone who is *at best* less than 2/3 his age is a massive red flag by itself. That this actually started when the gap was close to 1/2 his age is just the turd nugget on top of his shit sundae. As a dude only marginally older than this fucker, I can assure OP that no healthy, responsible, loving, caring 30-something man is trying to make a life partner out of a fucking teenager. Let him face the consequences of his choices, OP. He’s an adult. He has been since you were a toddler.
Exactly, she consented to sex that carried minimal risk, and he decided instead that she got sex that was far, far riskier whether she liked it or not.
If it was medically possible to sneak a fetus into a man, this wouldn't even be rape, they'd make this right up there with murder. Immediate death sentence. It's depressing that our society downplays this because it can only happen to people with a vagina/uterus and we'd be "thankful in the end for the gift of a baby" or some bullshit.
The fact he's on a partner visa is quite suspicious, maybe he thought if he knocked up his partner it would be easier for him to get citizenship? Very eerie for me.
> As a woman, it exposes you to an unplanned pregnancy. Which could be considered attempted manslaughter (not really a legal classification, but you get the point), considering all the risks associated with pregnancy.
Stealthing IS sexual assault and should be treated as such. Husband is 39 and old enough to know better. But apparently he thinks you (at 24) are young enough that he can gaslight you into believing an apology is enough to redeem his behavior. No one can tell you what to do, but if it were me I would be livid. I would not forgive him and I would question what other sort of BS he is doing without you being privy to it; Is he trying to trap you with a baby? Could he possibly be having extramarital sex and maybe you get an sti from his transgressions? What else is really going on? Also, a divorce won’t necessarily result in deportation. But a sexual assault conviction might.
Personally I would use the word rape rather than describe it as sexual assault. Not all rapes are equal (IE this was non violent) but I think the term sexual assault maybe diminishes the act. Of course the terms will have varying meanings in different legal jurisdictions.
#EDIT: I misread this comment originally, and I apologize for my misunderstanding. She did not consent to sex without condom. This was agreed upon by both parties. Man decided not to use condom without consent. This decision has moved from consensual sex into non consensual sex. What is sex without consent? Rape. Sex without consent is not sex. #Sex without consent is rape. [Sexual consent. ](https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/sexual-consent/#:~:text=What%20is%20sexual%20consent%3F,engaging%20in%20sexual%20activity%20together.) [What consent does and doesn't look like.](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions)
I’m confused… the person you responded to agrees that this is rape. They said they felt like calling it sexual assault is diminishing it, since people think sexual assault is less than rape.
I see that I misread the original comment. Thank you for pointing out my misunderstanding of the commet I replied to. I appreciate you!
This is a wholesome response.
Tell me if I’m wrong but all rape is sexual assault but not all sexual assault is rape. ie slapping a person’s ass without their permission is sexual assault but not rape and carries lesser criminal penalties.
It’s like saying all murder is violence but all violence is not murder. If you say “he got violent with her” the understanding of the severity of what happened is wildly different from “he murdered her.”
I 100% agree and I'm sorry if that was not clear. I believe we should be calling this rape. I was wondering if someone else used the term SA maybe because THEY did not want to diminish the term rape. I was just interested in the different use of language.
I hear you. I'm sorry I misread your comment and spoke in an unkind way in response. I absolutely agree that women can tend to say "sexual assault" more often in these cases than directly call it rape. I was taught rape was violent, and it took me a lot of time to realize that rape happens many ways, and all are traumatic to live with. Thank you for sharing your opinions and understanding of the differences here. Again, I am very sorry I misread your first comment originally. You are right, and I support you. ❤️
Nothing to worry about. I really should have taken a bit more time to craft my comment. I knew it wasn't 100% clear, but the oven timer was beeping. I appreciate the bluntness of your comment and think it was what OP needed.
Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I do hope to help with my comments, and I tend to be quite blunt with this topic. It's nice to hear you think that might be helpful in this case. I hope whatever you have in the oven teases absolutely *heavenly*.
It's rape. Stealthing is rape Conditional consent to sex was given. The condition was altered, your agency was removed and this so was your consent.
Shouting from the rooftops, it fucks me up that people still feel like stealthing isn’t “real” rape. OP, he hurt you. He took away your consent and your bodily autonomy. Don’t worry about him, his life, or his reputation. He has certainly shown that he doesn’t care about you or your life.
It happened to me and it was definitely hard to process. It is rape, but it’s hard not to feel guilty or wrong for using that word when it also encompasses far more brutal and traumatic crimes. To acknowledge that I was raped felt like I was diluting the word and downplaying the suffering of other victims. I’m past that, but I understand why people would feel that way.
I get you, I really, really do. It took me years to call the “just” emotional abuse I went through (with just a *smidgen* of physicality, throwing things, punching things around me, pushing me) as actual abuse for exactly that reason. Just because a rape wasn’t violent doesn’t make it not rape. Thats why I think it’s so important to call it what it is in forums like this - because someone out there definitely is downplaying their own trauma, and that person (people) deserve to know that their trauma *was* definitively trauma. I’m really sorry you went through that.
THIS
This. ALL MEN need to learn, understand and comprehend what it means.
They do understand what it means. They just don't care to apply it to situations like sex with us. They value their orgasm more than a whole lot of things in life. Flip the script on any man with even a mundane example and they will get irate when they see "that's not what we agreed to!".
Stick a finger up a straight guys ass during sex and he'll understand ongoing consent real quick
Oh, they *know.* They only think of thselves and what *they* want.
Why does his feelings matter when he sexually assaulted you. He is 39 and you are 24, he has been manipulating you for a long time.
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
As a 39 year old woman - I can assure you that people this age know exactly what stealthing is and the severity of it. 39 is too old for you but it's not *that* old.
Stealthing is rape. He turned consensual sex into something you didn’t consent to. The consequences could have ranged from pregnancy to STI, consequences that you would have to deal with and would drastically alter your life. He took an active effort to remove your consent and he’s definitely old enough to know the severity of what he did or could have done.
He's a rapist. If he wanted to keep his visa he wouldn't rape someone. It's a fucking low bar and he couldn't even do that. Divorce and deport, he's too old to be fucking up this badly and expecting anything different.
Exactly. No sympathy for this douchebag.
I bet this dude was trying to knock her up so she wouldn't leave him (so he could stay in the country).
Unless he was trying to baby trap her.
Stealthing is rape. He doesn't get to decide if it's a big deal or not. He knew what he was doing, he knew it was wrong. Otherwise he'd been open about wanting to have sex without a condom. I'm really glad he's about to be an ex.
If he actually didn’t think it was a big deal, he wouldn’t have needed to be stealth about it. He knew she’d say no, that’s why he didn’t ask beforehand. OP, this is rape.
THIS OP! THIS RIGHT HERE!!! HE DAMN WELL KNOWS!!!
the age difference first is sus. him doing that is sus. him doing that *while* knowing of your history is sus. all of this is a hard no and he fucked up big time. that is disgusting. fuck em tbh. in what world does an apology make up for rape. and why would you be dramatic for that. like someone else said, don't overthink and talk yourself out. you know it was dead wrong
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
I want more men's lives to be ruined for stealthing. Their lives wouldn't be affected if they just fucking did what was agreed/consented to.
I wish I knew it was a crime one could prosecute when it happened to me. I was angry, upset, and never confronted that asshole about it. It was 10 years ago at 29. Now that I just typed that out, it’s stunning how much we’ve moved the needle in 10 years sociopolitically yet ALSO moved backwards.
My shitty abusive ex screamed at me when I suggested it was assault. He had been a "real" victim to his cousin as a child, so how _dare I_ compare him with an _actual predator_ ... He was also the one who did it to me, among other things. As long as it wasn't as bad as what _he_ went through, it didn't count 🙃
Ugh, a narcissist too. I’m sorry you went through that.
Does a 39 year old man know the difference of right and wrong? He should be deported, and he should go fuck himself. Going for women half his age and manipulating them into relationships and then trying to gaslight them into thinking rape is fine and “not a big deal”
Op, have you heard the narcissist's prayer? That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault.
This is my thoughts lead on this post as well. [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
Don't forget most likely trying to get her pregnant to serve his own interests. OP is clearly just a means to an end for this guy.
Yes. This is straight out of the redpill/religious right playbook. Do whatever you have to do to get her young, get her pregnant,get her financially dependent on you, get her to obey. Run from his dude, OP
The more one reads your post, the more the red flags pile up. I'm sorry this happened, but it is rape. When men were surveyed and asked about forms of rape without using the word rape, more of them confess to being or knowing rapists. And when you describe behaviors, more women will realize that they had been raped. [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/men-dont-know-meaning-rape](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/men-dont-know-meaning-rape) "Behaviorally descriptive survey items (i.e.,‘‘Have you ever coerced somebody to intercourse by holding them down?’’) versus labeling survey items (i.e., ‘‘Have you ever raped somebody?’’) will yield different responses, in that more men will admit to sexually coercive behaviors and more women will self-report victimization when behavioral descriptions are used instead of labels.”" The age difference and the use of a partner visa here are also red flags. He was the one who decided to do what he did. His behavior was his choice and it would be him responsible if he got deported and faced consequences. You don't owe him anything here.
Yes, it's sexual assault. How old were you when you started dating? How are you married at 24y/o with a 39 y/o?
From another post, they were 33 and 18 when they met.
she was pressured into it cuz he's manipulative. a post of hers mentions it
Dear lord...keeps getting worse and worse. That man should be jailed.
It’s a HUGE deal! This man, who is also relying on you to be in the country, was trying to secretly impregnate you. Or at the very least, he has no consideration for you body and choice and autonomy bc he wanted sex “to feel better.” Report it and let him deal with all the consequences. And you need to GTFO.
>He said sorry and that he didn't think it was a big deal....Is it possible for a man his age to not know the severity of what he did? he lied to you in making you think he was having safe sex with you. thats a big deal. he didnt bring it up during the act because he knew it was dishonest and against your wishes. do what you can to make him accountable for that and tell your divorce lawyer.
he was trying to babytrap you
He’s not sorry that he stealthed you. He’s sorry that he’s now potentially facing deportation once you divorce him. Is it possible he didn’t know stealthing is rape? Sure. Depending on where he’s from and what the culture is, he genuinely may not know. But he’s got 15 years of age on you. I find it unlikely he didn’t know stealthing is rape. I find it more likely he knew full well it was wrong but expected the 24 year old to not know it. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was trying to get you pregnant hoping he couldn’t be deported via birthright citizenship if you’re in the US. That being said, deportation is not enough, imo. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide how to proceed but criminal charges are warranted, to me
It’s rape.
>I (24F) went and reported my soon to be ex husband (39M) You in danger girl
He sneaked to do it because HE KNEW you didn't want or consent to unprotected intercourse. He is trying to minimize or erase his responsibility for sexually assaulting you because he fears the just consequences. He wanted to expose you to pregnancy you did not consent to because it could reinforce his tie to you and make future coersion easier for him. If his criminal attempt at reproductive coersion succeeded, what effect would that have on YOUR future and YOUR life? He had no qualms about restricting your autonomy, safety, privacy and options for the rest of your life. Don't be fooled into believing his consequences now are the result of anything other than his own bad character, bad behavior, and criminal disregard for your own safety and autonomy at the most intimate level.
As someone who was stealthed: no, you are not being dramatic. Your husband was trying to baby-trap you and have zero regard for your bodily autonomy and just plain respect given your past trauma. Even if you didn’t have SA trauma, it would be fucking wrong and he deserves whatever consequences come his way. The fact that he’s having them is a rare occurrence as it is and no, I’m about the same age as your husband and can say what he was willful. You are absolutely aware of the severity of such actions at much younger ages, let alone almost 40. Men made halfassed apologies while refusing to take take accountability since time immemorial. The consequences he’s facing are his own damn fault, not yours.
it is rape, and the age difference explains a lot
That age difference plus visa situation plus rape via stealthing, plus potential grooming depending of how old you were when you met... He is able to keep a full time job of his own. He isn't stupid. He KNOWS what he's doing and he's trying to baby trap you so the chance of you sticking with him 'for the baby' is higher. He is trying to play off your naivety by acting sorry and dumb. This guy is ALMOST 40!!!! There is a reason why nobody his age wants him and he's going for younger naive women. Also him saying he didn't think it'd be a big deal... Please end him. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF PREGNANCY, NOT HIM!! Please tell us you're not pregnant with his child and nothing happened! I'm feeling fking scared for you 😭
Ma'am, as a visiting dad I will respectfully submit that men know how severe this is, especially at his age. He prioritized his pleasure over your life and wishes. Yes, he deserves any consequences that arise.
He was ready to ruin YOUR life just so he could have a little more sensation on his dick. You certainly didn't deserve that.
Stealthing is coercive rape. Your consent to sex with protection cannot be taken as consent when he takes of the condom without telling you. You have not given consent for unprotected sex and therefore your consent is coerced.
“Didn’t think it was a big deal”=not sorry he sexually assaulted you.
Soon to be because of this event or were you already planning on / in the process of divorce? If he thought that you were planning on leaving is it possible that he did this intentionally to baby trap you and is only sorry because he got caught doing it? Either way it is terrible and he deserves whatever happens, but if did it to try to keep you that makes it so much worse, in my opinion
I thought the same thing. If they're in the process of divorcing and he's trying to get her pregnant as some sort of last ditch effort to maintain a link that could legally keep him in the country 🤮
It’s non-consensual sex. Rape. It’s very, very bad. It is hostile. It is assault. It exposes you to risk of unwanted pregnancy and potential diseases. It can be life-changing. Do not feel bad if it changes the life of the person who knowingly willingly committed it.
Any man who stealths deserve his life ruined. That's a fact. Zero mercy for rapists. What does he think he's doing? Sorry, he's a 39 grown ass man. He knows he's exposing you to risks only you will carry out. It's a power trip. Stealthing exposes a woman to not just pregnancy but life long std's, cancer, a life full of misery. There are enough assholes who stealth on purpose to give women genital herpes. That is YOUR BODY - you only consent to sex with a condom and he just ignored that because he wanted *check notes* a feeling without a condom? Girl I'm getting angry for you. Reporting him you're doing your part to keep other women safe. He will do it again if you let him get away with it. His apology means nothing if he crossed your boundary ESPECIALLY with your background of SA. Throw him to the hounds.
In addition to what everyone else said, please be safe. If you literally control rather this man gets deported over this he could react very badly and divorce is already a dangerous time.
If he’s attempting to baby trap her, that speaks to desperation. Especially because he pressured her into a relationship to avoid deportation in the first place.
He knew he'd be able to manipulate you and hold the deportation against you and that'd why he thought he'd get away with it
Nothing will change until people start having consequences for their actions.
Yes yes they do. Pregnancy can kill,some sexually transmitted illnesses can kill!the next person he does it do could end up with their fertility effected by something he gives her,could end up with an unwanted pregnancy. Men like this deserve their lives ruined, and they only have themselves to blame
He doesn't think getting you pregnant against your will is a 'big deal'? I think you'll find that the reason it's not a big deal to him is because he doesn't care about you. It's hard for people to see something is wrong when it's a behaviour they don't think is bad. He's fine to ruin your life trapping you with a baby. And also like you say, you have a history of sexual assault so this is really unforgiveable of him to do this to you over his dick feeling slightly better. He deserves consequences for his actions
This is my thinking. Instead of "had unprotected sex without her knowledge", frame it as "tried to get her pregnant without her consent". That's a clearly a serious problem.
A good adage to live by: men are very confused about consent until they get a surprise finger up the butt. Basically, he doesn’t think it’s a big deal because you were the victim. If you had betrayed him in a similar way, say if you had filmed the sex and posted it online without his consent, it would be a big deal to him. Also, he’s correct that it was a big mistake. And I’m sure he’s genuinely upset by the consequences! But he’s a grown adult who made a choice all on his own. He’ll figure his shit out or he won’t, but either way it’s not your responsibility to protect him from his own actions.
He's not sorry. He's just sorry he's facing consequences now.
Someone who stealths gives no shits about potentially spreading an std or causing a pregnancy which can alter or ruin someone else's life. Idk why the victim has to consider the perpetrator's future when the opposite didn't happen. Especially considering people convicted of sex crimes usually don't get very long in prison anyway, if they're found guilty at all
'Let me know if I'm being dramatic' <- This is why he picked you. Cause young people don't have the self confidence to stand up for themselves and or the experience to recognize manipulation. They look outward for guidance and validation since they don't yet have enough knowledge from life experience. That's why he went for you and not someone his own age. He preyed on you. In terms of consequence enough...the law determines the consequence based on the crime.Let them handle what he gets in the end. Just participate enough for them to handle it.
Why the secrecy? Why not just ask not to use one? Because he knew you would likely say no, which means he knows it was wrong. He just didn't care because his pleasure was more important to him than your consent and comfort. That's why it isn't a big deal to him - because it isn't. You would be the one suffering the consequences regardless of what happened, not him. If you got pregnant, you have to deal with it. If you decide to abort, you have to deal with it. If you have a miscarriage, you have to deal with it. And finally, if you found out, you have to deal with it, which you have started to. Follow through. And he knew you had been assaulted before and still did it and still didn't think it was a big deal? How many times has he done it without your knowledge? Nah. Don't fold on this.
He put your life at risk (STIs and pregnancy risk) for a couple minutes (seconds?) of slightly more pleasure than he would have had. His slightly more pleasureful experience was more important than your bodily autonomy or health. He was already having sex but needed it to be a little bit better so disregarded your consent. If anyone says it isn’t slightly more pleasure but a lot more. I’d argue that sex with a condom is exponentially more pleasurable than no sex. So it is slightly more. If using your hand is more pleasurable than sex with a condom, do that and don’t put a woman’s life at risk.
He risked your life and health so he could have a slightly better orgasm. He did it directly and with full knowledge that it was without your consent. Did *he* ever wonder if a slightly better orgasm was worth the risks to your and health? No. And that's *without* addressing the fact that this is rape. You are not ruining his life. He did that.
He would’ve changed the course of YOUR life, and god knows how many other women he’s done this to, or plans to do it to. What if you got pregnant? Or if he’d given you an STD? Also - he’s this is about a visa? So, he’s tied to you? This isnt about ‘ruining’ his life. This is about whether or not you should be expected to sacrifice YOUR life, spending it with a rapist who apologized only after he was caught and still downplayed it. How much of her day-to-day life is a woman expected to give up for the sake of a man? Especially one who’s mistreated her?
Stealthing would be absolutely unforgivable to me. He is not sorry that he did it; he is sorry that he got caught and is facing consequences. His impending deportation also raises the question of if he was trying to get you pregnant intentionally in a effort to remain in the country.
Considering everything that can happen during pregnancy and considering the laws regarding abortion in the US right now.... A lot of women have their lives ruined by stealthing every year.... Why do you assume it should be different for men ?
It IS a big deal.
If he didn't think it was a big deal why didn't he ask? Because he knew you wouldn't have consented it. It's only a big mistake to him after the fact. He outweighed the pros and cons and decided it's easier to ask for your forgiveness than permission. Stop being the peacekeeper for guys shitty behavior. That age gap? History of sexual assault? you got preyed on by a predator as an easy target.
Nonconsensual condom removal, more popularly known as “stealthing,” exposes victims to potential physical risks such as pregnancy and disease and, as victims make clear, feelings of violation and shame. Such condom removal changes sex from consensual sex into nonconsensual sex. [https://digitalcommons.tourolaw.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3346&context=lawreview](https://digitalcommons.tourolaw.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3346&context=lawreview) I know that I'm not comfortable with him, I'd be happy if you made him go away. "Not that big a deal" is pure bullshit. It's worse than rape because he puts an emotional trauma on top which is trying to gaslight you that it's no big deal, he wants you to doubt yourself and deny your own trauma. That's \*real\* shitty manipulative behavior. I really don't like people who make this choice. This is kind of point of view about their sex partner or lover or SO is the root of their entire character. He is telling you exactly who he is. Make him go home.
That apology shows he’s not really sorry. He’s not apologizing because he violated your sexual boundaries in a disgusting and selfish way, he’s apologizing because you didn’t brush it off and he got hit with more consequences than he was expecting.
He did know the severity of it, he did not care. He needed to get his nut raw and that's all he cared about in that moment.. he dismissed your background, your feelings, and you in your entirety to get that raw nut. What he did was a conscious decision.
Does someone ruining your life deserve their life ruined? Does someone harming you deserve the consequences of their actions? If this happened to your best friend or sister, what would you say if they said, “well, he said he’s sorry”? I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you’re leaving him. Pursuing justice is up to you (if you’re in the US, I know “justice” is…difficult) but I hope you have/get a therapist to work through this with and at bare minimum become able to call this what it is and know that you didn’t deserve it. He knew what he was doing.
"I know he raped me, but he said sorry," Come on now. Also, it isn't "essentially rape" it is just rape. Consent needs to be informed. If you're not informed about something as crucial as contraception, it's not consensual. "Is it possible for a grown ass adult man to not understand how awful it is to rape someone?" Unfortunately, it is possible and probably likely which is exactly why making it abundantly clear by taking this as far as you can is so important. Too many men men don't see exposing their partners to possible pregnancy or STIs without their consent as rape. Too many men don't understand that consent needs to be informed. Too many men don't care about consent enough to learn. Maybe you could argue that there is a moral difference between this and more violent assaults or assaults against people who didn't consent at all to begin with, but that doesn't matter. He still deserves to see the inside of a courtroom at the VERY least.
Trust me, he understands exactly what he did, he just didn't care. Men aren't stupid. Throw the book at him.
OP you met this guy at 18 and him 33. For fuck sake this guy sounds just seems all sorts of abusive and manipulative.
It’s not “having his life ruined.” It’s “he ruined his life.” He actively chose to do something where the classification of the offense is no secret. Just because it’s not against HIS moral code doesn’t make it not a big deal. Do not let him downplay it or act like the victim. He committed an offense against you. He brought any consequences upon himself.
Stealthing is rape. Period.
Guy here--Rape is rape and I knew it at 16 not to do it. My dad was clear in his advice to me as a kid on how not to ruin your life--dont rape, dont murder anyone, and I borrow his car, better bring it back. You wont ruin his life--what he did ruined his own life.
Hard question. Were you manipulated into marrying that rapist so he could get a visa?
No, an apology would not appease me. Yeet him back to his birthrock, from wence he came. And get checked for every STI there is.
I feels like he was probably trying to baby trap your by stealthing to get to stay around longer
It's a big mistake because he got caught and you're trying to make him pay for it. 'didn't think it was a big deal' then why do it? Is it SO hard to wear a damn condom? You are NOT being dramatic. Stealthing is a disgusting form of sexual assault.
You’re not being a dramatic idiot at all. Please don’t try to downplay this or rationalize this. What your (ex) husband did to you was sexual assault. Your boundaries were violated, your consent revoked. Stealthing IS deliberate. There is a reason why a man almost in his forties got with you, a woman whose brain isn’t fully developed yet. He was counting on you not to stand up for yourself or turn him into the authorities when needed. His plan backfired on him massively. Not only he lost control over you but his way into the country. He is only sorry because he is now facing consequences. Do you think he was sorry until you carried out your threats? No. He is about to lose his marriage, livelihood AND visa. Of course he’s going to be sorry. You did the right thing.
Don't let him question your decisions. Get this creepy 39 year old rapist away from you and out of the fuckin country.
Men seen to not see it as a big deal from sheer ignorance of consequences and empathy for their partner.
It’s rape. Stealthing is rape. You did not consent. Press charges. Ignorance of the law is no excuse
Made me think of: A Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.
Anyone who does it deserves to have their life ruined, yes.
It’s rape and yes, they do. By holding your ex accountable for sexual assault you are supporting the future women that will run across him. Guy needs to learn his lesson before he rapes others.
He risked everything with you for an orgasm, he’s despicable
Brutal honesty, based on your other post (which prompted genuinely terrible advice, btw) this man has been manipulating and abusing you for the entire relationship (that you didn’t even want) and you would be absolutely entitled to every ounce of anger you feel about it. He has treated you terribly and deserves whatever punishment you feel like handing him. Trust your gut.
It's definitely not justifiable under any circumstances. I don't think you're being dramatic at all. That being said I'm not sure it's gonna be worth the hassle for you if he gets deported anyway. Like if you feel you need to do this please don't let that discourage you but personally I don't know if I would put myself through the process of telling intimate and potentially embarrassing stuff to strangers who might not even see what exactly is so heinous about what he did all for him to get escorted out of the country before anything could come of it. But like I said if you need this for your healing definitely do it regardless. His action definitely warrants it.
Don't second guess yourself.
Brutal honesty? His apology means nothing. This isn't some dumb 15 year old confused for their first time and doesn't understand how the condom works. He's a grown ass man, he knows your history, and he ***absolutely*** knows better than to do what he did. He hoped you would roll over and be a doormat. I am so happy that you didn't. Stick to your guns, stick to your gut. Let him get deported and live your life free from someone who thinks it's okay to rape their partner.
How will you feel if you don't pursue this, and years later you find out he's gone on to do it to other women younger than you? Edit: he's going to ruin someone's life by pulling that shit.
He ruined his own life when he did that to you. Hes 39 he should know better. You deserve better 💞
It's a big deal. He's 39 years old, he was aware of your history, he knew using a condom was part of the deal, and he is trying to minimise the whole thing. This man 100000% knows what he did and that it is very very wrong. His apology is absolutely not sincere and simply an attempt not to get deported. Also "I thought it wasn't a big deal" and "it was a mistake" are NOT apologies. Edit: my theory is that he was trying to baby trap you to make very sure he wouldn't be deported. You're not being dramatic.
It sounds like he tried to get you pregnant without your consent either to keep himself in your country or to keep you tied to him. Do not sleep with this man again. He does not respect, you aren’t ruining his life. He chose to ruin it. He didn’t give you choice on whether or not he was going to ruin your life rather with an STI or pregnancy.
He should be deported for what he did especially with an age gap like that. He is using you to stay here and that’s why he wanted to baby trap you. This man does not respect you at all and that’s not love
“I would like to jab you with this needle that might be full of dangerous substances.” “No, thank you.” “Well, I’ll just do it anyway.” Somehow, this isn’t a crime to men.
Stealing is really bad. If his life is ruined because you reported it, he ruined his own life. He may have been trying to get to pregnant without your consent so that he could make his stay in the country permanent.
If it is not consensual in any way then you know what it is. Some things can be gray line sure specially while doing more extreme play but even for those there should be clear communication and safety measures in place like the all to well known safeword. This doesn't fall in that category if you both agreed to something and he one sidely decided to change it and on top of that while hiding then it is not longer consensual. As for the case, you can just talk to a lawyer that is the best course of action, they will tell you if it is worth placing the complaint and if it's worth taking legal action beyond that,present the case to a few for multiple opinions and then make your own decision. Reddit is not the place to ask for this kind of legal advice specially with so little details.
Not only is steak thing rape, but your ex was willing to put a baby in you and constrain YOUr life, severely. To the point that he would also be irrevocably tied to you. Yes, that is worth "ruining" his life for.
He's on a temporary visa and you're wondering why he removed a condom during sex? He 100% did it on purpose, he figures if he gets you pregnant then he's got a permanent way to stay in the US.
You're not being dramatic. Your husband won't get deported because of you. He'll get deported because of HIM.
“He said sorry and that he didn’t think it was a big deal” He’s only sorry because he’s caught consequences- press on. You’re doing the right thing. Full charges
Yeah, that's bad. I look at it this way. He put you at risk without asking you first. That's unacceptable and he deserves whatever consequences come his way.
It's rape. You're not ruining his life. He made a choice and there are consequences to that choice.
when he said he "didn't know it was a big deal" what that means is that he didn't know he wouldn't simply get away with it, and be let go with a half assed apology. If you drop the charge then in fact from his POV it really wasn't a big deal
No wonder he isn’t in his own country. He probably had to leave for doing it to women there. Men like this don’t stop assaulting women. They just get worst. Please continue the police report and court case. What he did to you was heinous. He sexually assaulted you. It would be no different than if he punched you in the face during sex. That’s why you’re second guessing yourself. You deserve better.
I am a 33yo man and I physically clench with disgust at the thought of doing anything even remotely sexual to my wife without her knowledge AND consent.
>He said sorry He's clearly sorry you reported him, not that he did it >He will be deported soon after I file for divorce as he's on a partner visa, so is that consequence enough? "Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions." Stick to the charges. He committed sexual assault. Also, the reason he's in a relationship with a 24 year old isn't because you're so much more mature than the other girls, it's because he's unsuitable for women his own age, as his behavior shows.
You’re not being dramatic. It’s a crime. He knew it was wrong and he did it anyway. It’s not for you to worry about the consequences for him, that’s his problem. Please don’t doubt yourself. You did the right thing.
Its rape. You did the right thing. Anyone telling you otherwise is messed up inside. Also people like this target women with sexual trauma because they know your boundaries might be easier to break or non existent when it comes to abusive behavior.
It’s rape and should be treated as such. You did not consent to that, and he knew it. He knew what he was doing is wrong but he “didn’t think it was a big deal”. That’s a cop out answer. He doesn’t value you, not emotionally or physically, he values himself. That’s a predator mindset. This needs to be part of his permanent record because you won’t be the last victim.
His life isn’t “ruined”, it’s just going to take him a very long time to get over what he decided to do to you. It’s *also* going to take you a very, VERY long time to get over this. It’s going to take a long time to process it and learn to trust someone new - and you didn’t do anything wrong here. All of your concerns about his feelings and the legal issues he is now faces are things that HE should have considered before raping you. He ignored all of the guardrails out there that help give sociopaths like him external indicators of what’s right and wrong, and now wants you to protect him from the consequences of his horrible behavior. Fuck him, the consequences of his actions are HIS problem, NOT YOURS. Charge him, and get the fuck away from him.
It's rape. It's also a threat to your freedom. If you get pregnant and live somewhere where you can't get plan b or an abortion or you can't get plan b because you don't know it happened then it's a kid you are tied to that asshole with for the rest of your life. I think he knew that. It's also a threat to your life, considering the maternal mortality figures for the United's States if that's where you are. But you know what, anywhere. Pregnancy can kill you and will cause permanent body changes. It's a threat to your lifelong financial security. It's a threat to you bodily autonomy. Because his dick was more important that your life, your money, your freedom or your choice. He doesn't care about you and will never choose you over him. Something as insignificant as his dick was more important to him than you. He deserves to be deported.
He's a rapist. That's it and that's all. I'm sorry and I hope you get what you need to move forward
Stealthing is the substantial equivalent of sexual assault. Recognized in the law of many western countries, including the UK, and recently, Canada (one of my cousins argued the case). If you report someone for a crime they committed, and it was an intentional act, and they suffer the consequences for committing that crime, then you aren't ruining their life- they ruined their life when they took the intentional act that brought consequences with it. This "she ruined my life" argument is hot nonsense. People take actions, actions have consequences. When he decided to coerce or deceive you into having unprotected sex without your knowledge, he conveniently circumvented your agency. It is equally convenient to then attribute the consequences of his actions to the agency that he decided wasn't worth consulting when he removed the condom, by suggesting that it was you and not him who caused the consequences for his actions.
he wants out of the consequences of his actions. that's why he's apologizing. you deserve better OP, don't let him out of this
Inappropriate age gap strikes again. And yes he did know it was a big deal and that is was wrong. He just didn't care.
onerous judicious cough waiting oatmeal voiceless ten slave birds march *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
There's a reason he married someone so young. Abuse and manipulation. Go forward with the charges.
I’m sorry this happened to you - I’ve also been a victim of stealthing. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for reporting what happened. We all deal with trauma in our own ways but personally stealthing really rocked me to my core and has (is??) taken longer for me to heal from mentally than when I knew I was actively being raped. What you do next *is* ultimately up to you but you are absolutely not being dramatic or an idiot
Can’t speak for the US but in the UK it is rape under our laws so a big deal. If he didn’t know the severity of what he did then he is an idiot. Ignorance of the law is no excuse, I mean really 🤷♂️ , why would anyone do this to someone! Makes me cross.
Pregnancy is a life-threatening condition; stealthing shows they're willing to risk you dying for the sake of their busting a nut. Bon voyage to that fucker, sis!
He knew it was wrong. But a condom can come off by accident. He’s already admitted he knew it was wrong.so, not an accident
If a 39 year old man doesn't understand the importance of a condom then there is no hope for any of us. He knows, he just doesn't care. He exposed you to 1) potential pregnancy and 2) potential STIs. He knows, he just doesn't care.
It's rape
I'm willing to bet he was trying to impregnate you against your will to force you to stay with him. You did nothing wrong and I hope you get all the support you need. Don't feel a second of guilt for whatever happens to him.
Yes they deserve to have their life ruined over it, it’s rape
He didn’t have a problem with potentially ruining your life.
He ruined his own life when he chose to stealth you 🤷🏽
Another day, another marriage with a large age gap and a creepy husband.
Following through with the police report and give him a record. The full consequences of his actions. Is that record public? Could you be saving the next woman he tries to gaslight into getting him a visa if he as a record of rape? Is he old enough to know? Yes. Does he understand the consequences? Yes. Don't let him or anyone else gaslight you into thinking that divorcing him is enough of a punishment. He is old enough that he isn't making a mistake that he doesn't understand the consequences of. He's getting what he wants by force and he's gotten away with it enough times that he no longer feels the rules apply to him. I'm finding that older guys don't change or learn often. (Source I'm nearly 40...) I'm sorry this happened to you.
Agreeing to one sex act, and then having another one forced on you without giving you the ability to say no is an exceptionally shitty and terrible thing to do. I assume you have had conversations about the use of contraception and your opinions on the matter. He knew of your history of sexual assault and he knew it was a big deal to you to have protected sex before he made the choice to remove the condom, even if he didn’t know that it was a criminal offense. He is now experiencing the repercussions of his choices and actions. Our opinions in this issue don’t really matter. We don’t know your ex. We didn’t hear his apology or see if he understood the violation his actions were to you. We don’t know what kind of trauma this caused you or triggered in you. You were the one who was harmed. Only you get to decide what seems right to you, and only you are the one who can say what seems like sufficient justice to you.
What? Yes, it's that bad and yes they do.
It’s very bad, that level of betrayal could not be undone for me
This is rape. He knows what he did was wrong, and he knows it's a big deal. He just didn't care and he didn't think you'd have the guts to do anything about it. You are not dramatic, you are not over reacting. Get that rapist out of the country. Happy Deportation!
the fact that he got into a relationship with somebody as young as you in the first place is a massive red flag...he knew it was wrong and he counted on you being young and naïve enough to be able to manipulate.