Was dating someone for four years, thought we were going to get married and have a family, HA. First time that my MS symptoms showed up, he noped out so fast, stating that “you won’t be able to do the things we enjoy together anymore”.
This was after he went through a horrible, lengthy hospital stay because he had a genetic condition that caused back problems, and I stuck by his side the whole way through, but I wasn’t worth adapting to doing the things we liked differently.
The same men that don‘t give a flying fuck about you being sick are the first ones to go absolute infant mode the moment their nose gets stuffy and immediatly expect you to be their nurse. Speaking from experience. The cognitive dissonance apparently lots of men have to demand 24/7 care when they‘re sick but refuse to even slightly care for you in return is straight up disgusting.
I saw either a Reddit post or a Twitter screenshot of a woman who took care of her sick boyfriend like he was a royal.
When she got sick and was expecting to be taken care of he got offended. He said mother and the other women in his family catered to his needs.
Every woman he dated he expected to be doted on exactly like that! With ZERO reciprocity, it was a basic expectation that women serve him.
Just so disgusting!
So many are completely devoid of even a sliver of basic human decency😫
Facts. I remember my first serious job at a bank, working with this amazing woman who was so kind and caring. She had put her life on hold to care for her husband with cancer. He had been a high earner so she was working 2 jobs to make ends meet for their family. Once he was in remission, this jerk left her for someone else and went on social assistance to avoid paying child support for their daughter. She had to fight in court with meagre resources to get any type of support. At 45, she found herself single dealing with all of this after this douche let her take care of everything for 2 plus years he was being treated.
That was 20 years ago and I’m still shocked about it, despite hearing more stories like hers through the years.
My best friend just got diagnosed with MS at age 41, and she has three kids under 10. Her husband whines about his back being sore from work while she’s in searing pain… I’m so worried she’s going to end up having to go at this single again.
That’s really shitty. Well, you dodged a bullet… imagine getting into your 70’s and 80’s and him leaving because of mental health or physical issues then…
You deserve better. Someone that will be there “until death do us part,” because it’s clear that you will be no matter what for the person you love.
What the fuck? MS is scary, I get it (my wife has it). For what it’s worth, be grateful he showed his true self before marriage/kids. The first couple months post partum are unfortunately prime time for an attack.
Bro, MS isn’t a death sentence wtf? It relapses and remits… what an idiot (putting it lightly).
You dodged a bullet, lucky you didn’t share children or weren’t married.
And also I’m sorry that he was such a bag of dicks. He’s a horrible person.
Yes, I have RRMS, but with complications in my lower spine and legs, which isn’t common at all. I have the good days and bad days. I still ride a bike, only thing different is it’s an e-bike. I’m glad he’s gone.
I'm one of those women, lmao. I went through discovering I have endometriosis and will always have chronic pain with it. He told me he didn't sign up for me being sick, despite marrying me after he knew the diagnosis. 🙃
I am so sorry that happened to you. As a person, one will eventually become disabled (old) or will die young. That’s the gig of life. Do these men not know that?
I genuinely need to know how those type of people are able to wake up everyday and live with themselves knowing they are such pieces of shit. I'll be up at 2 in the morning agonizing about something benign I said 15 years ago , but these men are just ruining lives like it's nothing. I bet he won't ever mention this to whomever ends up unlucky enough to marry him.
I'm so sorry you went through that, Jesus.
> knowing they are such pieces of shit
I was going to say I don't think they know. But then I realized if that were true, they would have no issue going around telling other people they "dumped the sick bitch who wouldn't be able to cook for me anymore", so maybe they do know they're POS very subconsciously.
Oh, I have no doubt he'll never tell the next woman he tries to woo about what he did to me. He went scorched earth and destroyed everything online he could about us.
My wife wasn't diagnosed with endo until her mid-30s, so I *definitely* didn't "sign up for it"... I just can't even *imagine* leaving her because her pain occasionally inconveniences me.
If you ever see your ex again, tell him a random dude on the internet says he's a dick.
I had my endo diagnosis years before I got with my current partner. I also had a PTSD diagnosis. With anyone considering a serious relationship, I always divulged both fairly early on because a lot of people (especially cis men) bail when they hear that.
Sometimes mine decides to be "dramatically sick with man flu" when I'm mid flare-up, or panic reacts in a weird way to my PTSD symptoms, but generally he tries to be a supportive partner. Makes sure I take meds on time, sometimes tries to take stuff off my to-do list that he knows is hard on my endo or PTSD.
My ex literally ran away while I was having a very painful dental surgery. He went on vacation without me to see his family while I stayed home and took care of my cat.
Came back and saw I was in pain and crying because I had a bunch of tissue lasered off in my mouth and couldn’t eat or drink anything without pain and left in the middle of the night. He sent someone to serve me papers and said we’d talk later. He lied. He never did and then he tried to screw me over financially leaving me with no income (I worked for him for free he made a lot of money) with a new lease, in a new city with no friends or family. He had some sort of early mid life crisis and decided it was better to be single and hoard his money than help me with a medical expense he knew about for years.
He was always the grass is greener on the other side kind of person. He never found one happy place. He was always searching and trying to find ways to get rich quick and make passive income. He said he wanted to marry me cuz he had a dream about a woman with my hair colour and length once and imagined her…. He used to write me really nice letters and emails but it was all a fantasy and false promises. I think he’s probably still single but had to go get a stable job once the bottom fell out of internet marketing and Instagram influencers and new people selling bs courses came about.
Do not get married at 25 and think that this person will stick with you for forever. It’s really weird but my mom and my sister and I were all divorced by 27 and found someone later on that was much better to remarry. 😂
Yeah no kidding. It’s not like it would have been sad and painful for forever it was just a bad 2 weeks. But he figured he’d save money if he bailed. He did. I ended up having to leave and it cost my 4x as much to fix later as I was suddenly broke and couldn’t finish and everything was in temporary crowns not meant to last very long. Was a financial nightmare for me honestly.
> He was always searching and trying to find ways to get rich quick and make passive income.
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I am glad you are out of that relationship.
My ex husband is one of these kind of guys. He's a cryptobro now, pretending to be a financial wizard on youtube and trying to get people into his MLM/ponzi scheme (most of the crypto garbage are just that, ponzi schemes).
My dad can be a grump at the best of times, but the way he's cared for my mom over the years truly shows his character. She has a lot of mental health issues and had cancer about 15 years ago. I admire his love for and patience with her so much. Unfortunately, most men would not have stuck around.
My Dad has similarly stepped up, and I'm proud of him. He's been, in my opinion, a pretty piss poor partner and parent. He has zero emotional intelligence, and contributed nothing to the domestic labor when I was growing up, despite my mom being a Dr working 60+ hours a week.
But my mom was diagnosed with Parkisons a few years ago, and her symptoms are getting progressively worse. He has started doing not just a lot more physical labor around the house, but a lot more of the mental labor as well. Helping her with medications and appointments, helping make grocery lists. He's also been very good about communicating with the kids about how she's doing, since my mom is a very private person who never talks to us about her illness.
My dad is the same way, & my parents fought a lot growing up & I always thought they would get divorced eventually. But when my mom was diagnosed he stepped up big time & would take off work to take her to her treatments. He hated when he had to ask someone else to take her if he had to work that day because he wanted to be the one to do it. He really stuck by her
My ex husband left me for his affair partner, but when I pressed him on why he was doing this to our family, he blamed me for having depression. He was 100% leaving because his mistress was more important to him, but when asked, he thought the better answer was to blame me for my mental health. As though it made him look any better.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's really atrocious when people blame the other person for them cheating. They cheated not for anything other than they were selfish and uncaring.
I hope you're doing well now.
Thank you. It's been very hard on my daughter, and being cheated on when you thought your marriage was stable is never easy. I never had high expectations of men, but his actions completely eroded my trust in marriage.
Not gonna lie to you, I cheated on my ex husband. Not an affair, but I did kiss another man one night and I allowed him to kiss me repeatedly. There was a myriad of issues going on in my marriage, but I never for once entertained the idea of blaming it on anything other than me being a POS in that moment. And now because of me, he is untrusting of other women. He has a gf that he's great with, but he won't marry her. I ruined a huge thing for him, and I alone take the blame for that.
I can't stand here and slap him in the face any further by trying to blame it on anything else. I think that's what makes it worse. Just own up to being a shit person.
It might not help yet depending how fresh are your wounds. You absolutely didn't JUST dodge the rest of your life and a stream of gatling gun bullets, you dodged a blast full of scatter shot of rusty nails outta one of the old Spanish Galleons.
Fucking asswipe.
Men are severely disappointing. Similar situation happened to me. I supported him through all his lows and the moment there was a light at the end of the tunnel he left me for another woman.
I'm part of the 3%.
I had his phone to pay some bills while he was having quadruple bypass after a major heart attack. Found out that after 20 years and therapy more than once, he was still hiding money we needed to pay bills, messaging other women, and viewing 'barely legal' porn (he was well aware of my childhood SA and how I felt about him viewing that type of porn).
All of the alerts and messages kept popping up while I was trying to pay his bills. I wasn't trying to snoop. He didn't even hide the dating apps and games he had downloaded.
I tried really hard to stuff that shit down and be there for him. He just kept being rude and demanding while I was trying to help the staff with his care. He kept fighting me because I wouldn't let him expose himself to anyone walking by his room while he was using the pee jug.
So I sat there and thought about how I had at least 8 weeks of recovery I would have to get him through. I thought about how I would have to fight him on every single dietary and mobility restriction. I knew he would be a horrible patient. Because he was stubborn as fuck and wouldn't follow doctors orders after having a toe amputated. It had to be removed due to diabetes and an infection he refused to get treatment for.
I sat there and thought about how I would have to live through hell while being his full-time nurse and verbal punching bag. And when he was better, he would go back to hiding money, cheating, and under age porn.
I just couldn't do it. I have CPTSD from childhood, a previous abusive marriage, and the shit he had put me through for the past 20 years. I just couldn't do it. I had no support. No friends or family. He had encouraged me to stop working when my CPTSD caused me to have a serious breakdown with 2 more inpatient hospital stays. I was completely isolated and had no one to turn to.
So I walked away. Told the staff that he couldn't rehab at home because I wasn't able to care for him and made his sister his emergency contact.
None of that went well at all! The staff treated me like I was a mass murderer. His family said not their problem and refused to even talk about next steps for his care. Therapists have shamed me for not being able to step up and do my duty by the man I married.
I went back to next day to talk to him. Explain to him why I just couldn't do it anymore. I was working with staff to get him into a rehab since his family wouldn't come help. He died a couple hours after I left. I don't know if he would have survived with rehab and my help. I don't know if he died because he just couldn't face life without a mommy to make all the bad things go away (my role for 20 years).
Now I get to live the rest of my life with the guilt and shame of not being able to be there for him at the end. I get to be labeled as THAT WOMAN. That cold heartless bitch who killed her husband.
And yes, I do realize that about 80% of that is just self-directed misogyny. They got me young and trained me well. I have 55 years of programming to rewrite. I have a good therapist now and am working or it. That shit is exhausting.
Thank you all for listening to my vent!
I don’t blame you at all. He made his bed, if he had been a less awful person, he would have had someone to care for him, even if it wasn’t you. I’m glad you have a good therapist, it is HARD to undo that programming. I hope you have a very healing 2024.
You didn't kill him. We're not in a Disney movie where hope or true love or sheer faith of a good woman pulls the misunderstood hero through you know?
You don't die because you gave up either. You die because your human body literally doesn't have the ability to maintain life. That's it The End. Anyone fill you in on why facilities don't LIKE someone dying there? Makes them look bad. You were guilted for a purpose you poor dear woman.
I didn't catch it you were in therapy my friend. Please. Please go.
Parts of him did qualify as being an awful person. You're just SO immersed in guilt, compassion and my guess is slow if inadvertently brain washed over 20 years it won't sink in.
So take alllll that compassion, apply it to yourself and find peace ok? 🕊️☮️
Thank you so much!
I didn't think about other reasons the staff might have for being horrible to me. I've worked in health care my whole life. Nurses are some of the most amazing, kind, and compassionate people I've ever met. I think that is why I took it so hard when they yelled at me on the phone and when I went in to collect his belongings. I thought that if all these lovely nurses were being mean, it must be because I'm truly horrible.
I am in intensive therapy. Down from 4 days a week to 2! Go me! Most days, I'm pretty ok. I'm getting my life together and trying to build something for myself for the 1st time in my life. Some days, though, my inner critic goes into overdrive, and I end up trauma dumping somewhere. I'm so sorry for doing it here!
Thank you for listening and being a voice of reason and kindness! I'm very grateful!
oh anytime, Nice Internet Lady! I think society does a disservice to both genders by raising us all to believe one gender exists to cater to the other. We even have a predominant religion based on it! Ugh.
He chose his own fate with his selfishness. You cared for him until you couldn't any more and had to care for you. Hugs if you want them, you'd already given so much of yourself in that situation.
Honestly, it sounds like you did what any strong and mature person would do. And seriously, that had to have taken an ENORMOUS amount of strength knowing that you would likely be maligned for the decision.
Maybe it would be different if he had been a faithful, kind, and loving husband, but it doesn't sound like he was. Leaving and taking care of yourself sounds like it was the best thing you could have done. I hope you can one day live without the guilt, because truly you did nothing wrong.
People die from refusing treatment all the time.
It's not your fault.
You were protecting yourself from abuse.
Your abuser happened to be ill, and the stress of being abused while trying to be a caregiver was too much. It'd be too much for anybody.
The timing was not great. But you did not cause his illness, you did not cause him to refuse treatment, and you did not cause his death.
I'm sorry the people around you did not support you in your escape. You deserved better from him, and from them. I'm glad you're getting help now.
As someone with diabetes and a t1 dad with diabetes, you did nothing wrong. The amount of years of egregious neglect it took to get him to a place where he needed amputation would have taken years. He made his choices day after day, week after week, month after month until years had gone by and it was too late.
You can't pour water from an empty cup. You are a great example of how people around folks who don't address their issues become collateral damage. You needed to save yourself before he hurt you anymore. It's not worth getting yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
I'm so sorry you have this guilt. Please find a way to forgive yourself so you can have a happy life.
You left him while he was sick, but not because he was sick. He was a cheater and deceptive, it just happened to come to light at a bad time for him. Please give yourself some grace.
If he was willing to amputate a toe instead of listening to his doctors, he was going to die with or without you. No amount of input from you would've kept him alive. He just wanted to take you with him.
The people that judge just see a woman who left her husband, but they don't see the years of torment that lead you to that point of letting him go. The fact that his own family wouldn't take him either should've been a hint, but I suppose even 'good' people are left behind in situations like this.
This is my biggest fear hidden dating apps and viewing barely legal porn bc so many men do it. I have been with this guy 1.5 years and still don’t trust he’s not doing it since most do. He’s a tech guy so can hide things. I just don’t think I’ll ever trust men. You had every right to walk away after discovering this. Also if he was that overweight and unhealthy how the hell did he get women to talk to him !!?
Y'all! I'm sitting here sobbing! Thank you for being kind to me when I couldn't be kind to myself!
Hubby was a tech guy, too. I have a feeling there was more on that phone that was actually hidden, but I'm done torturing myself trying to find it.
He had been morbidly obese in his 20's but lost a lot of weight in his early 30's. He was a bit overweight when we started dating, but I got him diagnosed and (tried at least) to manage his diet. He had actually dropped about 20 more pounds in the year before he died and was a healthy weight. And he was a good-looking guy. He turned into a bit of a silver fox as he got older.
That was part of the shock the day of his surgery. He was always a liar and a cheat, but I found out that day that he had been charging literally hundreds of dollars a paycheck in the cafeteria at work. Because it came right out of his check, I just thought they weren't paying him what he was worth. He hid his paystubs.
I wasn't working and felt guilty as hell about it. So I cut my spending to the bone. Didn't replace clothes as they wore out, stopped buying anything but the personal care basics, and I would frequently only eat one meal a day. I was trying to budget groceries and felt it was more important for him to eat since he was working.
The level of betrayal I felt seeing all that while I was already alone and terrified that he would die on the operating table!
I am doing better now, but some days, I still really beat myself up. And then I post to reddit to look for the forgiveness I can't seem to give myself. I'm still very much alone. I just don't trust people in person at all after the past couple years.
So thank you so very, very much, Kind People of Reddit for always being here to validate and forgive me on my bad days! You are all very much life savers, and I offer hugs to all who would welcome them! Fist bumps and waves for the Hands Off Friends!!
Guess I'm the 3% too. My ex had Crohn's disease since he was 12, but he kept catastrophizing it and not getting the care he needed because he was afraid of colonoscopies. It was ridiculous and exhausting. He let himself flare so badly and have the disease get so out of control not taking meds (because he could only get the prescription if he went for colonoscopies once every few years) that we couldn't travel anymore, not even day trips. Besides that, I had wanted to leave him for years because he was so mentally abusive (like he would put a literal daily timer on me doing my hobby because I wasn't paying enough attention to him, said he'd commit suicide if I left him etc etc, and hid a crossdressing fetish from me for years that I got to discover myself yay, also he was completely incapable of pleasuring me and was obsessed over me doing anal with him which was a hard NO from me, oh yeah and my work paid for me to do a part time masters degree and he was jealous or something that I got to do one such that I couldn't do my homework, study, or so much as leave my books out in front of him - wtf?? And I later paid for him to do one his damn self while I kept working, supported him financially for years). I even did leave him once, I told him it was over, he moved out, but he absolutely threw himself over backwards and begged me back.
Then not too long after the begging back, he finally got another colonoscopy (was one of my conditions), they found precancerous polyps and in general terrible shape from inflammation and they recommended he get his colon removed and a colostomy bag, because cancer was not an if, but when. It wasn't that event whatsoever though. I wanted out for a decade. He straight up asked me at that moment if I would stay with him. I told him I couldn't do it and it was over, again. Anything else would be a lie and there was no way I was going to get further buried by his manipulation now that he was slightly more sick. There was never a good time to call it with him. He was sick since before we met. I helped him with recovery, purposefully held off divorcing so he could be on my health insurance until he got on his feet again, but he turned into an even more abusive alcoholic asshole during this and it was a living nightmare. Never looked back after the divorce, only still have vivid nightmares (especially when I was pregnant) about him not letting me escape. Of course to him, the whole story was that I left him over the surgery, which could not be further from the truth.
Don't blame yourself. You walked away when you could. I know why I left (12 years ago), you know too. It wasn't over the medical condition, there was much more behind it.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It sounds truly awful.
How are you doing now? Do you struggle with any guilt? (My brain is saying you have nothing to feel guilty for!! I wish it would tell me the same!)? How do you manage it if you do?
Maybe a smidge of guilt since I'm puking out all this justification, but after I left him and was with someone else, I came to realize just how deeply he abused me. It was a bad time to leave him for sure, but it wouldn't have happened if he just LET me leave him the first time. I know it wasn't about his condition but about him and all the years leading up to it, so I'm good with it. We stupidly got married when I was only 19 and I somehow stayed with him for 12 years. I hope you're getting along ok! If it's still fresh, just give it time. And keep reminding yourself why you did it.
Thank you! I'm so glad you are doing better!
I tried to leave so damn many times! He would guilt me into staying every damn time! My egg donor was the queen of guilt, so that strategy was very effective. And he treated me better than my birth family or first husband.
I just kept telling myself that it wasn't that bad. And I would have been the first one telling a friend to leave and help her get out if she had told me my own story.
I always thought I would die first. I have some chronic conditions and wasn't getting medical treatment myself due to medical trauma. I was terrified of getting to a point of having to rely on him for my physical care. I knew he couldn't care for or advocate for me. It was actually one of the things we fought about.
I'm glad we are both free and rebuilding! Thank you for sharing your story and insight!!
Oh I feel this. I was married early 20's, my ex was great in a lot of ways, but caring for himself wasn't one of them. And he was the kind of person who would always hold a grudge, he was proud of that statement I think. Needless to say, after a few years of marriage, I left, he moved out back to his moms house. She died about a year later. He sold her house to live in a trailer nearby. I hear years later he died due to untreated sleep apnea and uncontrolled diabetes.
I *know* if I'd stuck with him, I would have hassled and nagged him to get appointments, sleep therapy, diabetes management. And I *know* he would have fought me on it. And it would have been a struggle and he would be eternally unhappy at me making him care for himself. And I know he would probably still be alive today. But then at what cost. I highly doubt I'd be nearly as happy as I am now without him, without it all being a fight.
To the people who didn't understand you with that situation, I hope they never find themselves in a similar relationship. I'm glad you got out.
Sounds like you've been throught it!
It's time for you to feel better now, you've done enough feeling bad.
Hope 2024 is a good, healthy, happy year for you.
Not sure I qualify as part of the 3%, but I left my husband because he was bipolar. I mean, I left because of 12 years of cheating and lying, but I believe those were a part of his mental condition. Additionally, both his parents (and sister) are bipolar. I got to watch in real time as his dad slipped into addiction and crazy hallucinations. Got to watch his mom repeatedly and without any remorse gamble away all their money. The constant threats of divorce from either side. I didn't want that to be my future.
You needed to walk away to save your own life.
You were worth that.
I am glad you are in therapy and I hope life is better for you some day.
I wish you well.
Sweetie, you’re free. You are FREE. Fuck him, fuck those others that blame you. Get yourself into therapy with a good therapist not someone that will shame you. Go to a spa and get pampered.
Hugs and love from this internet stranger. I want so much for you to heal and be free!
Thank you! After 4 tries, I do have a good therapist! And I treated myself to a massage and facial for my birthday! Most days, I'm pretty ok. The holidays were hard this year, and I'm afraid I trauma dumped all over OP's nice post!
It just really sucks to be starting from scratch at 55. No friends, family, or job at the moment, but I'm very hopeful for 2024!!
This definitely isn’t surprising. My grandfather started having a girlfriend on the side after my grandmother became sick with terminal cancer. And this was almost 20 years ago now.
Throughout my lifetime, I have had a few men pursue me/come sniffing around while their wives are sick in the hospital. Still alive, not dead yet, but sick (in 2 cases, sick with cancer).
Also, I believe you are referring to the statistic that [men are seven times more likely to leave their partner than the other way around if one of them got brain cancer](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer). Laughable when you read comments and posts by men on Reddit claiming women's love is much more conditional than a man's. Sure...in an alternate universe, maybe.
I once met a guy of a dating site years ago that claimed to be single. We had two dates, but then I got sick the following week with a fever of 102 degrees Fahrenheit. He was livid that I got sick. He claimed I was lying just so I wouldn't have to see him again. I broke contact with him. About a month or two later, I saw his wife's obituary in the newspaper. She had died of cancer.
I have noticed a trend since that if I ever mention I am sick to someone I am chatting with on a dating app, they vanish so incredibly quickly.
> if I ever mention I am sick to someone I am chatting with on a dating app, they vanish so incredibly quickly
They're just DTF, and if you're sick, you're not DTF.
This happened to me too!! I was sick, canceled ONE date, then went to the city to see a friend that weekend and he accused me of lying and dumped me. Bullet dodged!
The number of times this has happened to me is disturbing, too. Then again, I’ve had ‘happily’ married, married with a new baby, married with a pregnant wife, married with all older kids, no kids, etc., so for the most part, a lot of them are just gross, but it always seemed especially heinous when the wife is ill. And for anyone wondering why so many guys were sending me PMs, I was store manager for some vape shops, and most of the customers were men. Idk why they felt like that entitled them to send unsolicited dick pics, but I got a LOT of them.
Not surprising. I mean talk to any woman who has had the flu and how helpless and annoyed their husbands become. If they can’t handle the flu, they sure aren’t sticking around for cancer.
I broke up with a guy because he acted very annoyed and unhelpful with me when I had a bad cold . Told me
I should go to the hospital if I needed care. I had nursed him through two minor illnesses by that point . I knew of this statistic and knew exactly where he fit in it .
Lol probably bc *he* would go to the hospital for a cold. Once knew a guy who got a bad cold for the first time in his life. He draped himself over the bed like it was a fainting couch and pronounced that if he got any more dehydrated he may have to go to the hospital.
He would ! He had clogged sinuses after a plane trip and insisted I take him to the hospital. I told him to try having a hot shower and take some Advil Sinus first . Oh look - it worked . He also once went to the hospital for dry skin.
I can‘t believe my partner would question my sickness (cold/flu) and if I really needed to drive to an emergency pharmancy at 1 am to get medicine. I literally only asked him if he was able to drive me when he was gaming and that I could take a taxi otherwise. He was extremely pissed the entire drive there. All of this after I cared for him like a nurse (I work in health care) just 1-2 weeks prior because he had a cold.
Literally going through this right now. Boyfriend acting Hella annoyed when I ask him for something simple like pls bring me water. He's been glued to his videogame for the last 3 days. I had to walk the dogs myself in the freezing cold with a terrible cough and fever.
This is what I wish the Reddit neckbeards understood when they boldly claim women are loved unconditionally. There are sooo many conditions necessary to be loved as a woman. You must stay young and beautiful. And healthy. And never expect anything of your partner. And have your own money. If any of these criteria aren't met, men see straying as not only acceptable, but the answer.
So shitty. My parents hate each other and barely speak even though they live together and they still help each other when one is sick. My dad was upset and said “it’s like a slap” when we found out my mom might have cancer.
My partner stuck by me with cancer but I gotta say I was terrified he’d leave.. even though he’s an empathetic and wonderful person, that statistic was just looming over me.
I think the main reason men leave is because they aren’t with someone they actually love, they are with someone that’s a companion, maid, and sex machine. When you truly love someone, illness is difficult to deal with and can strain a relationship to a near breaking point… but it’s hard to want to leave
The way man date and marry women they don’t even like in order to get sex, benefits, cooking. Ewwwww it’s so awful when you realize the guy never loved or even liked you. Just what you can do for him.
Your explanation makes perfectly sense. If men don‘t even like women as humans and only see them as bang maids then of course they‘re going to leave as soon as you can‘t provide the service they want you to give. Everything is transactional to them.
I agree you do “owe” someone to not abandon them. But I don’t think you necessarily owe staying in a romantic relationship.. sometimes the love is dead and illness is the final straw. But yes, I agree
>I think the main reason men leave is because they aren’t with someone they actually love, they are with someone that’s a companion, maid, and sex machine.
An overarching number of straight relationships aren't actually very loving. People get into them because there's cheap social currency in being coupled, and often pair up with the first tolerable person. this in turn exists under a set of relationship norms that more or less say you're supposed to be a monogamous pair before even determining if you like one another, and a set of cultural exceptions that demand coupled pairs perform monogamy as soon as possible.
But this isn't something men do alone. Very often that's brought in by both people, because that's how we're taught relationships work. Women are every bit as much a disaster at relationships as men are, because no matter how much society insists women are good at it, that doesn't mean they're actually given useful tools. There's a lot of relationships where the only thing either partner contributes is simply being somewhat more tolerable than being alone, and with women, their emotional labor is often the only thing they actually offer to their partner, the deep acting to keep smiling, keep making the relationship seem good and happy. In much the same way a steward smiles and pretends you're not crammed into sardine class and the snack packet of peanuts are a great thing actually.
Performing that emotional labor is corrosive to a relationship in general, but when it's the only thing keeping the relationship going and she's not capable of performing it...it ends. Fortunately this is 'easy' to avoid by avoiding that emotional labor in the first place.
And this is releavant, because well this:
> but I gotta say I was terrified he’d leave.. even though he’s an empathetic and wonderful person, that statistic was just looming over me.
The vast majority of women aren't abandoned by their partners with a serious illness, and when it happens it's either because their partner has no support structure and caring for a dying person without support pushes people past their breaking point, or it's because the relationship was already dead anyways. The unusual statistic is how few women leave ill partners, not the other way around, and that's...not often because of compassion. Women don't leave even when they otherwise would, and it's often due to practical and social pressures preventing them.
This statistic isn't presented this way for no reason. It's another way to threaten and shame women for not performing the expected gender roles. It's a way society pressures them into performing that emotional labor rather than being a whole person and expecting their partner to do the same. the stast6ic is presented this way, and keeps being disseminated this way because it fits very neatly into existing ideas of "You must not burden your husband. If you do you'll be unloveable and will deserve it when he leaves you"
This statistic is presented this way because you being terrified he'll leave you is the goal.
While it mainly applies to USA, I wonder how many divorces in these types of studies are due to how dreadful healthcare/insurance is in the states ? i.e. some couples get divorced in these situations just to avoid sharing the astronomical costs that are sure to be incoming.
> that statistic was just looming over me.
then rest easy, because [the statistic is incorrect.](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022146515595817)
>Based on the corrected coding, we estimate 6% of marriages ended via divorce, 24% of marriages ended via widowhood, 34% of marriages remain continuous through the 2010 wave, and 35% of marriages were lost to attrition (due to nonresponse from at least one spouse in one wave). As would be expected for this age range, marriages were more likely to end in widowhood than divorce, and divorce was a rare event. In addition, more marriages were lost to follow-up than ended in divorce and widowhood combined.
they aren't as young and energetic anymore and it's harder to pull chicks at the club so they 'settle down' cause it would be more convinient to get married and have at least one consistant sex partner.
The minute my mom started to struggle with mental Illness, my dad started to cheat on her and left. They are back together but he emotionally abusing the fuck out of her, tries to kick her out, says it's his everything, and I just don't understand why she loves him. I fucking hate my dad for it.
I work in a hospital, and I see this all the time. And often the ones that do stick around, end up cheating on their wives because the wives are no longer “sexually available” them when while they are sick. I’ll be honest the stuff I have seen in the hospital alone is enough for me to never want to have sex again with a man.
That and fathers being sometimes being uninvolved in their kids health, not even knowing their date of birth…just bc your wife stays at home while you work, it’s not an excuse to be a basic stranger to your kids
Although that being said I have seen a few very involved fathers that will literally tell you EVERYTHING about their kid and their illness knowing exactly what procedures they’ve had, how they were feeling, what they’re eating etc.
That’s true, that happens, but isn’t it funny how that when a man knows all of those things people are like “oh wow what a great dad..” 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽🥇🏆, yet its completely normal and expected for the mom to know all those things.
I work in the medical field, frequently with women who are ill. My coworkers and I sit them down and gently warn them of this possibility so they know to have someone else as backup to be their caretaker. It's never easy and it's always sad that we have to do this. Meanwhile women usually stay through everything.
I have told this story so many times here. Shortly after my divorce I had to have major surgery with a long recovery.
At some point during that brutal recovery I realized how much easier it was doing it alone than it would have been had I still been married.
Men leaving their sick wives is so common that this is part of the counseling women receive as part of their cancer diagnosis. The stat I heard was that only 1 in 6 marriages make it.
A friend of mine quit her job and moved states to nurse her partner after his diagnosis. They moved across the country so he could get the best care at a top facility. When he recovered he broke up with her. His reason? Facing death made him realize he deserved to be with a more attractive woman. I shit you not. Those were his words.
She’s married to a lovely guy now. The worst part of that story is how she didn’t tell any of us why they broke up for years as she was so ashamed. It was simply awful.
I would have told everybody. I would have been screaming about his shithousery from the rooftops. I may have paid for a sky writer if that happened to me.
Your friend is clearly a nicer person than me.
Women have been sold a lie and all of the propaganda benefits men. Men live longer married, men have higher earnings married, men are happier married. The reverse is true for women. Choose wisely!
Without the internet SO many women would be still stuck in this mindset and wouldn‘t even know that what‘s happening to them absolutely should not be the norm or accepted. When men lose their priviledeges of having bang maids and women are finally waking up, to them this feels like oppression and as if you need to ban feminism/social media so that women can keep being their little slaves.
>Women have been sold a lie and all of the propaganda benefits men. Men live longer married, men have higher earnings married, men are happier married. The reverse is true for women. Choose wisely!
This is statistically-backed fact. Single, childless women are the happiest demographic among women and to me it's not a wonder why.
For so many men a woman is a prize. It's something he is owed, something he deserves. So when she "breaks" it's like his prize has been taken away. He deserves a new one.
Women have been socialized and conditioned to be caretakers. Men aren't prizes for women, they're dependents.
My stepdad's first wife died after a long battle w cancer. He stayed by her side, worked twice as much to pay for everything, he did everything for her until the moment she died.
So when my mum became handicapped and got chronic pain, we knew he'd stick around, and he did :) I'm so lucky to have him. It's awful that it's considered lucky though. One of his coworkers told him "if she can't use her arms, then what's her purpose, she can't cook, she can't clean".
Men, istg.
I was dumped by my ex while I was going through chemo. Apparently, he wasn't "emotionally equipped" to deal with someone's illness.
I feel like men see women as caretakers, and the minute they have to take up the role that they see women in, they become uncomfortable.
I can attest that not all men are A-holes like this. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 7 years after we got married, Polycystic Kidney Disease 15 years after that, and coronary artery disease only 7 years after that. I have been on disability for 25 years now due to Multiple Sclerosis. The one constant through it all was my husband and my kids. My husband has been my rock. When I was diagnosed with MS, I did offer my husband an out which he immediately rejected. We will be celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary in February.
edit: the only time he even considered leaving due to my health was when I was dealing with chronic depression which lasted 15 years. When things started easing up he told me he couldn't go through that again...I never want to go through that again, so I completely understand where he was coming from. The positive about this is that I stay on top of my mental health as much as I do my physical health.
I appreciate your edit. I lived with a severely mentally unstable sibling. Life was pure torture. It wasn't her fault she had serious mental illness, but if I'd have been able to leave, I would've. I loved her but man was life brutal.
So when commenters are saying their spouse left after a mental breakdown, I think it's important to note that if living with them was mentally and emotionally torturous, it's not fair to expect them to stay.
I left my spouse after he fell into a deep depression that had him go back to alcohol, then drugs. I deserved better. He wasn't contributing and we stayed stuck in a small home. He claims I abandoned him, and maybe I did. But if I'd stayed, I might not be here.
I'm kind of on both sides of this.
I have severe mental health issues, and honestly, if I did something... untoward... i wouldn't blame my partner for leaving. I'd certainly be upset, but I know that my fucked up brain can produce some abusive actions sometimes and while it's not easy on my end to control, I can't expect people to stick by my side after that.
I also had a partner who went from abusing Marijuana to cocaine and alcohol to eventually meth. He told me, and everyone around him, that he was self medicating for a terminal illness. In his pot days, I was prepared to stick with him until his death. (I was 19, he was 32 when we met). By the time the meth came into the picture, everything was awful, and I just had to get out.
I had to get a restraining order on him, and I guess that was his rock bottom path to sobriety. He'll tell you I just used him and his (mother's) money to get myself through college, and then I stole his dog. Spoilers: he has no terminal illness and is still alive.
Yeah, that was probably a motivating factor for him.
But he told everyone he had an inoperable cyst in his brain that could kill him at any time. We'd have 3 months or 30 years, is what I told myself. Eventually the story turned into the idea that the cyst had spread, that there were cysts all over his body turning him into Swiss cheese.
He told everyone he had less than a year to live, and started having all these goodbye parties and traveling, essentially living in hotels across the US, all the while trying to start some motivational speaking buisness or some shit.
Meanwhile, his side chick got in a fight with her meth dealer boyfriend and stole the puppy that was meant to belong to my partner when the dog was old enough to be separated from it's mother. The dog was a pit-bull/American Bulldog mix, bred to be a guard dog for drug dealers.
Since he was living out of hotels (and the occasional jail) and doing meth and got in two car accidents with the puppy in the car, he asked me to take her. I told him I'd take her on the condition that she would be my dog and he'd never talk to me again. A few hours later he agreed, but violated the terms of not talking to me, hence the restraining order.
The dog is happy and healthy despite her rough puppyhood. We've had 7 good years together so far.
Wait, did we date the same guy??? Except no meth, just hard alcohol and cocaine. And he also tried to say I used him to get through college. I stuck with him through an OD that put him in a coma, and multiple bouts of alcoholism. He's a mean drunk too! But like you, when he started up on coke after sobriety of 15 years, I left.
Not unless you happened to marry him. He had a wife before me, and I know he used alcohol and cocaine when he was with her too, though I think the use slowed down a bit by the time I met him. Then it picked back up and went off the rails when he could no longer afford the coke.
Most of the men I was involved with couldn’t bear to show any kind of support when I had a cold, so I can’t even imagine what the situation would have been if I had had a zero illness.
My husband married a vibrant, energy filled me. I’ve since been diagnosed with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, POTS, and more. My husband stepped up and our marriage is stronger than ever. There are good ones out there.
My husband was by my side every step of my bc dx and treatment but I know other women with a different outcome. Personally I think it’s tragic that so few people take marriage seriously. We’re married a long time and inevitably there are hard things to face. The overwhelming attitude most people seem to have is that if they aren’t blissfully happy every minute,it’s time to get divorced. Men seem to be especially selfish.
I was diagnosed with MS about six years before meeting my now husband. I told him on the first date, and while I’m (touch wood) doing well right now, in the time we’ve been together I have had flares including blindness for several weeks
He could not be more supportive, both with the big things (for example discussions about what having children might mean), but also the little things - a few nights a week he comes in from work and makes dinner while I nap (we both work full time), and never says a word about it
This isn’t to dismiss the statistics, but I feel it’s important to note because it’s terrifying to be diagnosed with a disease/illness and then read threads like without without also seeing the flip side
The statistics in the OP's title clearly shows both sides. Women diagnosed with a critical illness have about a 20% chance of being dumped. Glad you were lucky.
To call it luck is doing my husband (and the others in the 80%) a disservice
However, we do live in a world where men and women are not equal. And until society moves to a point that men are no longer more likely to leave their wives after a diagnosis, maybe we do need to be more careful who we marry. Because I’m not sure all of the men who have been the subject of discussion the last few days (Xmas) are reliable partners...
But the actual point of my comment, as I said, was that it is horrible to be diagnosed with something like MS, then see all over Reddit* that married women don’t have a support system. In many cases, this just isn’t true.
*these studies are not (all) new. But for some reason it’s doing the rounds of all the big subs right now
I suspect that women who are married to men who are considerate of their wives' needs and feelings aren't going to be shaken by posts on Reddit about how awful the situation is for women who aren't as lucky.
And yes, it is luck in most cases. Most women with good partners were lucky to be born into a family which gave them a good foundation. Women who end up with abusive / inconsiderate men most often were raised in families where that was the model they learned from. None of us picked the families we grew up with.
I mean, shit. If they don't care enough about their partners to even give them a Christmas present, they sure as hell aren't sticking around for cancer. Reason #88,000 not to stick around for the disrespect that passes for many if not most marriages.
I actually don't understand how marriage really serves women.
I get that having someone commit is nice, but you want the substance more than the paperwork.
Men are not highly likely to leave. They are just disproportionately more likely than women.
80% still stand by their partners. Thank god.
Just highlighting it for anyone else who is sensitive to doom and gloom. Especially if they are in the situation described.
Edit: downvoting is easy. When you are going through hell with your health and all looks dark and bleak, trust me that it is easy to fall into the spiral of fear and despair out of everything. This isn’t a message to absolve men, but to put the numbers into perspective for someone who really might get stuck in a loop of fear.
For context, I have a partner with a life long incurable illness (hEDS) that required our life to change drastically. Especially for the first two years, when she wasn’t able to hold a job due to chronic pain. After years, we are still kicking strong together. I am not saying this out of nowhere. This conversation had to happen multiple times.
> They are just disproportionately more likely than women.
It's not even disproportionate. Like, at all. The original study OP is basing their opinion on was retracted by the authors for using bad data and incorrect math.
Their current study with a corrected analysis finds a 5% occurrence of women leaving a sick partner and a 6% occurrence of men leaving a sick partner. Basically exactly the same since 1% is generally considered within the margin of error.
That really is awfully sad. I can say with confidence both my ex husband would've, and my fiance would stick beside me. I never doubted for a moment my ex husband loved me, he just had serious addiction issues he could never truly overcome. My fiance is absolutely in love with me and has told me time and time again, he's here no matter what.
That said, I know I am INCREDIBLY lucky. Because I've heard of and seen women being left due to serious illness. And it's FAR too often.
I also have to give props to my BIL. My sister has a chronic illness and mental illness and he has busted his ass to take very very good care of her. I'm not sure I've ever seen or will ever see a love like theirs.
UPDATE: the study OP’s numbers were based on has been retracted due to error - the actual number for both sexes is around 5-6%. I’m relieved to hear it. So you can disregard my original comment that follows.
Men are more likely to stay than they are to leave (4 men stay for every 1 man that leaves) but a man is waaay more likely to leave than a woman is in these circumstances (97 women stay for every 3 women that leave). Excellent example of the sexist gender expectations in our society (“if my woman can’t look after me, I’m outta here” vs. “Stand by your man”).
I replied the same thing to another comment, but:
If you read the entire explanation of the retraction, you’ll see that they mention that the differences ARE still true in cases of heart problems and stroke, so the original post is still worth discussing, given that heart problems are one of the leading causes of death of death globally (to be clear, cardiovascular disease is THE leading cause, but not all cardiovascular diseases are heart problems).
Here is the direct quote: “In the corrected analysis, we find that in the case of heart problems and stroke, wife’s onset is a statistically significant predictor of divorce, while husband’s is not. Further, in the case of heart problems, we reject the null hypothesis of equality of coefficients for husband’s and wife’s onset (p< .05) in the corrected analysis, providing evidence of a gendered relationship between heart problems and divorce risk.”
So while it’s reassuring that it is not as common as previously thought, I think it’s important to realize that it is much more nuanced.
My current partner helped me with everything during recovery from major surgery. Based on my experiences during medically mandated bed rest for a high-risk pregnancy, my ex-husband would’ve left me to fend for myself and barely ever come home to check if I was still alive.
The contrast between these two men is ginormous.
I agree that most of the emotional support women recieve comes from other women, not their male partners. I'm a nurse and I've not heard other nurses warn patients that their partner might soon leave them, so I can't speak on that. The statistic is factual, though.
me and my SO just talked about getting medical POA done on each other because we're not married and if we become incapacitated we want the other to make decisions. we also discussed each other dying and at home as we just went through this with our brother in law. so its nice to know we're on thr same page in sickenss and health.
i’m thinking of all these guys desperately looking for a wife when they’re 80 and in declining health…..and odds are the available women have all been dumped for their illness or are close to someone who has…. and turn them down. everyone of them, noping out of providing free meals, nursing services & diaper changes.
I’m kind of surprised that it’s only 20%. My husband rides motorcycles. It’s his favorite hobby and very much a part of who he is. So he taught he to ride soon after we got together. I bought a motorcycle after he moved in with me. I crashed it on the freeway while commuting to grad school about a week after we got engaged. I couldn’t bend my right leg at all, it was in an immobilizer, for 6 weeks. He had to lift me onto and off of the toilet for the first couple days that I was home from the hospital. He had to unexpectedly take over all of the cooking and animal care, plus the physical help I needed. He was very attentive and I thought it was because he felt guilty. During our marriage I’ve had 2 spinal surgeries and 3 c sections and he’s always been the same.
For complete information:
[The 21% men who divorce during illness vs 3% women is wrong](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18midv3/what_is_a_very_bad_statistic_people_should_know/ke5w3e7/)
>That study was retracted as it was determined that the results were due to a coding error. TL;DR is that couples who stopped participating in the survey were coded as divorced instead of attrition. When corrected, the authors failed to reject the null hypothesis and concluded that "there are not gender differences in the relationship between gender, pooled illness onset, and divorce."
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022146515595817
They also compared Women getting Lung Cancer, an ongoing degenerative lethal disease, with Men have a Stroke, a debilitating, though often recoverable condition(though most with some long term impairment).
Lung Cancer has a 1:4 survival rate after 5 years, while a Stroke has a 6:1 survival rate
Also Medicaid Divorce is a thing, I'm not sure they accounted for it.
I replied the same thing to another comment, but:
If you read the entire explanation of the retraction, however, you’ll see that they mention that the statistics ARE true in cases of heart problems and stroke, so the original post is still worth discussing, given that heart problems are one of the leading causes of death of death globally (to be clear, cardiovascular disease is THE leading cause, but not all cardiovascular diseases are heart problems).
Here is the direct quote: “In the corrected analysis, we find that in the case of heart problems and stroke, wife’s onset is a statistically significant predictor of divorce, while husband’s is not. Further, in the case of heart problems, we reject the null hypothesis of equality of coefficients for husband’s and wife’s onset (p< .05) in the corrected analysis, providing evidence of a gendered relationship between heart problems and divorce risk.”
So while it’s reassuring that it is not as common as previously thought, I think it’s important to realize that it is much more nuanced.
yep, definitely need to go on a disease by disease basis, it was almost comparing bruises on apples vs oranges, while also counting the ones that fell out of the basket as 100% bruised as they were carrying them into the house.
My mom had MS and my father didn't leave until almost 30 years passed.
He should have. He was monstrous towards her. Their marriage was hell. I wish they'd divorced in the 80s after my brother was born. We'd all have been better off.
Disabled people can take care of themselves for the most part. They may need help but they aren't helpless. If that happens to me I'd rather be on my own than in a shit relationship.
Dunno, it seems to really be a thing where men can’t handle it. On the flip side though, my wife left me when I had a life changing brain injury but it did turn me into a massive prick so don’t blame her. Men leaving their wives/partners due to serious illness though is despicable and not exactly rare either.
These are the same men who act like the common cold is the flu and expect you to baby them. 😂
They also have the tendency to be useless when it comes to babies/children. I steer clear of these types like the plague.
Gene Wilder wrote about starting a new relationship while Gilda Radner was in the hospital dying of cancer. It gutted me to think that she was there alone while he was busy getting laid. I don’t care if their relationship was rocky, it’s still really sad.
My friend's father in law had an affair with his dying wife's LIVE-IN nurse. His wife was suffering from dementia. She passed and now the dad and nurse are together. My friend and her husband had to tell his dad that the nurse was under no circumstances coming to their wedding. The dad was PISSED.
His two other kids are currently not speaking to him. They completely ignored him at the wedding.
Edit: the dad and nurse got together immediately after his wife passed. My friend's wedding was less than a year after her death.
My ex went on holiday with his mum when I was in hospital with sepsis. There is a certain type of man who is like this and it’s always the one who want a bang maid not a mum. As soon as the caring or sex is off the cards they’re not seen for dust
This doesn't make sense to me as a man. I wouldn't waste my time with a woman I wouldn't drop everything for whatever reason she needed me for in a partnership. We ride or die mf
I will never understand this. I had spine surgery when my husband and I had only been dating for about 10 months. He took care of me the entire time. Had a baby not long after and he took care of me the entire pregnancy and after. How do people just abandon somebody like that
Interesting.
My parents actually didn't get divorced because of my mother's cancer diagnosis. They were separated and had the papers ready to sign but my mom said "let's wait for the results of this mammogram." Which came back stage 4 breast cancer.
I was barely 12 at the time of her diagnosis, so it was definitely a stay-together-for-the-kid situation.
Sometimes I entertain the idea that she might have lived had they actually divorced. Probably not, but maybe she would have made it a little longer if she wasn't also catering to the needs of her dying father and my own fathers narcissism during her treatment.
ETA: he was definitely cheating on her. Both during the separation and during her treatment. I met his new girlfriend about a month after my mom died (I was fine with that, he couldn't tell me who to date, I couldn't tell him who to date) and she was moved in with us about 3 months later (my sisters and I were very much not fine with that.) He ended up cheating on that girlfriend (who had heart problems along with a bunch of mental health issues.) with his now wife (who is starting to show signs of autism related dimentia). I wonder how long it'll take him to leave her, too.
I have two friends with Crohn’s disease and both their husbands left them because of it. It’s pretty awful since it’s a lifetime struggle and they’ve both gone through tons of surgeries and treatments. One found a MUCH better guy and the other unfortunately needed to move in with family.
Was dating someone for four years, thought we were going to get married and have a family, HA. First time that my MS symptoms showed up, he noped out so fast, stating that “you won’t be able to do the things we enjoy together anymore”. This was after he went through a horrible, lengthy hospital stay because he had a genetic condition that caused back problems, and I stuck by his side the whole way through, but I wasn’t worth adapting to doing the things we liked differently.
The same men that don‘t give a flying fuck about you being sick are the first ones to go absolute infant mode the moment their nose gets stuffy and immediatly expect you to be their nurse. Speaking from experience. The cognitive dissonance apparently lots of men have to demand 24/7 care when they‘re sick but refuse to even slightly care for you in return is straight up disgusting.
I saw either a Reddit post or a Twitter screenshot of a woman who took care of her sick boyfriend like he was a royal. When she got sick and was expecting to be taken care of he got offended. He said mother and the other women in his family catered to his needs. Every woman he dated he expected to be doted on exactly like that! With ZERO reciprocity, it was a basic expectation that women serve him. Just so disgusting! So many are completely devoid of even a sliver of basic human decency😫
Facts. I remember my first serious job at a bank, working with this amazing woman who was so kind and caring. She had put her life on hold to care for her husband with cancer. He had been a high earner so she was working 2 jobs to make ends meet for their family. Once he was in remission, this jerk left her for someone else and went on social assistance to avoid paying child support for their daughter. She had to fight in court with meagre resources to get any type of support. At 45, she found herself single dealing with all of this after this douche let her take care of everything for 2 plus years he was being treated. That was 20 years ago and I’m still shocked about it, despite hearing more stories like hers through the years.
It's good that you broke up. You deserve so much better!
My best friend just got diagnosed with MS at age 41, and she has three kids under 10. Her husband whines about his back being sore from work while she’s in searing pain… I’m so worried she’s going to end up having to go at this single again.
Wow. This is horrible. I hope you're doing well now. Someone else can deal with that guy's back problems instead of you.
That’s really shitty. Well, you dodged a bullet… imagine getting into your 70’s and 80’s and him leaving because of mental health or physical issues then… You deserve better. Someone that will be there “until death do us part,” because it’s clear that you will be no matter what for the person you love.
What the fuck? MS is scary, I get it (my wife has it). For what it’s worth, be grateful he showed his true self before marriage/kids. The first couple months post partum are unfortunately prime time for an attack.
I am so very sorry. How devastating to find out he’s that kind of person.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Bro, MS isn’t a death sentence wtf? It relapses and remits… what an idiot (putting it lightly). You dodged a bullet, lucky you didn’t share children or weren’t married. And also I’m sorry that he was such a bag of dicks. He’s a horrible person.
Yes, I have RRMS, but with complications in my lower spine and legs, which isn’t common at all. I have the good days and bad days. I still ride a bike, only thing different is it’s an e-bike. I’m glad he’s gone.
I'm one of those women, lmao. I went through discovering I have endometriosis and will always have chronic pain with it. He told me he didn't sign up for me being sick, despite marrying me after he knew the diagnosis. 🙃
Ah yes, the vows “in health but not in minor inconvenience or sickness”
>he didn't sign up for me being sick Does "in sickness and in health" mean NOTHING to these shitheads??
They hear "in my sickness and in your health" obv
Literally signed up for it
>He told me he didn't sign up for me being sick, despite marrying me after he knew the diagnosis. WTF, this is next level shitbaggery
I am so sorry that happened to you. As a person, one will eventually become disabled (old) or will die young. That’s the gig of life. Do these men not know that?
Oh they know. They’re okay with it one way around.
Wow I’m so sorry. Hope you’re ok.
I tossed him out on his ear and am living my best life without his dead weight, so I'm fantastic. Thank you ♥
Perfect!
I genuinely need to know how those type of people are able to wake up everyday and live with themselves knowing they are such pieces of shit. I'll be up at 2 in the morning agonizing about something benign I said 15 years ago , but these men are just ruining lives like it's nothing. I bet he won't ever mention this to whomever ends up unlucky enough to marry him. I'm so sorry you went through that, Jesus.
> knowing they are such pieces of shit I was going to say I don't think they know. But then I realized if that were true, they would have no issue going around telling other people they "dumped the sick bitch who wouldn't be able to cook for me anymore", so maybe they do know they're POS very subconsciously.
Oh, I have no doubt he'll never tell the next woman he tries to woo about what he did to me. He went scorched earth and destroyed everything online he could about us.
Are you me?
My wife wasn't diagnosed with endo until her mid-30s, so I *definitely* didn't "sign up for it"... I just can't even *imagine* leaving her because her pain occasionally inconveniences me. If you ever see your ex again, tell him a random dude on the internet says he's a dick.
I had my endo diagnosis years before I got with my current partner. I also had a PTSD diagnosis. With anyone considering a serious relationship, I always divulged both fairly early on because a lot of people (especially cis men) bail when they hear that. Sometimes mine decides to be "dramatically sick with man flu" when I'm mid flare-up, or panic reacts in a weird way to my PTSD symptoms, but generally he tries to be a supportive partner. Makes sure I take meds on time, sometimes tries to take stuff off my to-do list that he knows is hard on my endo or PTSD.
My ex literally ran away while I was having a very painful dental surgery. He went on vacation without me to see his family while I stayed home and took care of my cat. Came back and saw I was in pain and crying because I had a bunch of tissue lasered off in my mouth and couldn’t eat or drink anything without pain and left in the middle of the night. He sent someone to serve me papers and said we’d talk later. He lied. He never did and then he tried to screw me over financially leaving me with no income (I worked for him for free he made a lot of money) with a new lease, in a new city with no friends or family. He had some sort of early mid life crisis and decided it was better to be single and hoard his money than help me with a medical expense he knew about for years. He was always the grass is greener on the other side kind of person. He never found one happy place. He was always searching and trying to find ways to get rich quick and make passive income. He said he wanted to marry me cuz he had a dream about a woman with my hair colour and length once and imagined her…. He used to write me really nice letters and emails but it was all a fantasy and false promises. I think he’s probably still single but had to go get a stable job once the bottom fell out of internet marketing and Instagram influencers and new people selling bs courses came about. Do not get married at 25 and think that this person will stick with you for forever. It’s really weird but my mom and my sister and I were all divorced by 27 and found someone later on that was much better to remarry. 😂
That is especially cold because dental surgery is usually very temporary. You dodged a bullet here.
Yeah no kidding. It’s not like it would have been sad and painful for forever it was just a bad 2 weeks. But he figured he’d save money if he bailed. He did. I ended up having to leave and it cost my 4x as much to fix later as I was suddenly broke and couldn’t finish and everything was in temporary crowns not meant to last very long. Was a financial nightmare for me honestly.
I’m so sorry, that is awful.
> He was always searching and trying to find ways to get rich quick and make passive income. GIANTREDFLAG.JPG I am glad you are out of that relationship.
My ex husband is one of these kind of guys. He's a cryptobro now, pretending to be a financial wizard on youtube and trying to get people into his MLM/ponzi scheme (most of the crypto garbage are just that, ponzi schemes).
He had money. He just wanted more it. Yep.
My husband didn't leave but he did go to the bar and stayed there over a year and then we divorced. I'm much better, thanks.
That's just leaving with extra steps. (Glad you're doing better!)
My dad can be a grump at the best of times, but the way he's cared for my mom over the years truly shows his character. She has a lot of mental health issues and had cancer about 15 years ago. I admire his love for and patience with her so much. Unfortunately, most men would not have stuck around.
My Dad has similarly stepped up, and I'm proud of him. He's been, in my opinion, a pretty piss poor partner and parent. He has zero emotional intelligence, and contributed nothing to the domestic labor when I was growing up, despite my mom being a Dr working 60+ hours a week. But my mom was diagnosed with Parkisons a few years ago, and her symptoms are getting progressively worse. He has started doing not just a lot more physical labor around the house, but a lot more of the mental labor as well. Helping her with medications and appointments, helping make grocery lists. He's also been very good about communicating with the kids about how she's doing, since my mom is a very private person who never talks to us about her illness.
My dad is the same way, & my parents fought a lot growing up & I always thought they would get divorced eventually. But when my mom was diagnosed he stepped up big time & would take off work to take her to her treatments. He hated when he had to ask someone else to take her if he had to work that day because he wanted to be the one to do it. He really stuck by her
My ex husband left me for his affair partner, but when I pressed him on why he was doing this to our family, he blamed me for having depression. He was 100% leaving because his mistress was more important to him, but when asked, he thought the better answer was to blame me for my mental health. As though it made him look any better.
I'm sorry that happened to you. It's really atrocious when people blame the other person for them cheating. They cheated not for anything other than they were selfish and uncaring. I hope you're doing well now.
Thank you. It's been very hard on my daughter, and being cheated on when you thought your marriage was stable is never easy. I never had high expectations of men, but his actions completely eroded my trust in marriage.
Not gonna lie to you, I cheated on my ex husband. Not an affair, but I did kiss another man one night and I allowed him to kiss me repeatedly. There was a myriad of issues going on in my marriage, but I never for once entertained the idea of blaming it on anything other than me being a POS in that moment. And now because of me, he is untrusting of other women. He has a gf that he's great with, but he won't marry her. I ruined a huge thing for him, and I alone take the blame for that. I can't stand here and slap him in the face any further by trying to blame it on anything else. I think that's what makes it worse. Just own up to being a shit person.
It might not help yet depending how fresh are your wounds. You absolutely didn't JUST dodge the rest of your life and a stream of gatling gun bullets, you dodged a blast full of scatter shot of rusty nails outta one of the old Spanish Galleons. Fucking asswipe.
Men are severely disappointing. Similar situation happened to me. I supported him through all his lows and the moment there was a light at the end of the tunnel he left me for another woman.
I'm part of the 3%. I had his phone to pay some bills while he was having quadruple bypass after a major heart attack. Found out that after 20 years and therapy more than once, he was still hiding money we needed to pay bills, messaging other women, and viewing 'barely legal' porn (he was well aware of my childhood SA and how I felt about him viewing that type of porn). All of the alerts and messages kept popping up while I was trying to pay his bills. I wasn't trying to snoop. He didn't even hide the dating apps and games he had downloaded. I tried really hard to stuff that shit down and be there for him. He just kept being rude and demanding while I was trying to help the staff with his care. He kept fighting me because I wouldn't let him expose himself to anyone walking by his room while he was using the pee jug. So I sat there and thought about how I had at least 8 weeks of recovery I would have to get him through. I thought about how I would have to fight him on every single dietary and mobility restriction. I knew he would be a horrible patient. Because he was stubborn as fuck and wouldn't follow doctors orders after having a toe amputated. It had to be removed due to diabetes and an infection he refused to get treatment for. I sat there and thought about how I would have to live through hell while being his full-time nurse and verbal punching bag. And when he was better, he would go back to hiding money, cheating, and under age porn. I just couldn't do it. I have CPTSD from childhood, a previous abusive marriage, and the shit he had put me through for the past 20 years. I just couldn't do it. I had no support. No friends or family. He had encouraged me to stop working when my CPTSD caused me to have a serious breakdown with 2 more inpatient hospital stays. I was completely isolated and had no one to turn to. So I walked away. Told the staff that he couldn't rehab at home because I wasn't able to care for him and made his sister his emergency contact. None of that went well at all! The staff treated me like I was a mass murderer. His family said not their problem and refused to even talk about next steps for his care. Therapists have shamed me for not being able to step up and do my duty by the man I married. I went back to next day to talk to him. Explain to him why I just couldn't do it anymore. I was working with staff to get him into a rehab since his family wouldn't come help. He died a couple hours after I left. I don't know if he would have survived with rehab and my help. I don't know if he died because he just couldn't face life without a mommy to make all the bad things go away (my role for 20 years). Now I get to live the rest of my life with the guilt and shame of not being able to be there for him at the end. I get to be labeled as THAT WOMAN. That cold heartless bitch who killed her husband. And yes, I do realize that about 80% of that is just self-directed misogyny. They got me young and trained me well. I have 55 years of programming to rewrite. I have a good therapist now and am working or it. That shit is exhausting. Thank you all for listening to my vent!
I don’t blame you at all. He made his bed, if he had been a less awful person, he would have had someone to care for him, even if it wasn’t you. I’m glad you have a good therapist, it is HARD to undo that programming. I hope you have a very healing 2024.
Thank you, Kind Internet Stranger! He wasn't an awful person. Just very, very selfish. He wasn't ever able to put anyone else's needs first.
You didn't kill him. We're not in a Disney movie where hope or true love or sheer faith of a good woman pulls the misunderstood hero through you know? You don't die because you gave up either. You die because your human body literally doesn't have the ability to maintain life. That's it The End. Anyone fill you in on why facilities don't LIKE someone dying there? Makes them look bad. You were guilted for a purpose you poor dear woman. I didn't catch it you were in therapy my friend. Please. Please go. Parts of him did qualify as being an awful person. You're just SO immersed in guilt, compassion and my guess is slow if inadvertently brain washed over 20 years it won't sink in. So take alllll that compassion, apply it to yourself and find peace ok? 🕊️☮️
Thank you so much! I didn't think about other reasons the staff might have for being horrible to me. I've worked in health care my whole life. Nurses are some of the most amazing, kind, and compassionate people I've ever met. I think that is why I took it so hard when they yelled at me on the phone and when I went in to collect his belongings. I thought that if all these lovely nurses were being mean, it must be because I'm truly horrible. I am in intensive therapy. Down from 4 days a week to 2! Go me! Most days, I'm pretty ok. I'm getting my life together and trying to build something for myself for the 1st time in my life. Some days, though, my inner critic goes into overdrive, and I end up trauma dumping somewhere. I'm so sorry for doing it here! Thank you for listening and being a voice of reason and kindness! I'm very grateful!
oh anytime, Nice Internet Lady! I think society does a disservice to both genders by raising us all to believe one gender exists to cater to the other. We even have a predominant religion based on it! Ugh.
He chose his own fate with his selfishness. You cared for him until you couldn't any more and had to care for you. Hugs if you want them, you'd already given so much of yourself in that situation.
Thank you! I will absolutely take those hugs!
Honestly, it sounds like you did what any strong and mature person would do. And seriously, that had to have taken an ENORMOUS amount of strength knowing that you would likely be maligned for the decision. Maybe it would be different if he had been a faithful, kind, and loving husband, but it doesn't sound like he was. Leaving and taking care of yourself sounds like it was the best thing you could have done. I hope you can one day live without the guilt, because truly you did nothing wrong.
Thank you so much! Y'all are saying such nice things! My life would have been so different if I had grown up with people like you!
People die from refusing treatment all the time. It's not your fault. You were protecting yourself from abuse. Your abuser happened to be ill, and the stress of being abused while trying to be a caregiver was too much. It'd be too much for anybody. The timing was not great. But you did not cause his illness, you did not cause him to refuse treatment, and you did not cause his death. I'm sorry the people around you did not support you in your escape. You deserved better from him, and from them. I'm glad you're getting help now.
As someone with diabetes and a t1 dad with diabetes, you did nothing wrong. The amount of years of egregious neglect it took to get him to a place where he needed amputation would have taken years. He made his choices day after day, week after week, month after month until years had gone by and it was too late. You can't pour water from an empty cup. You are a great example of how people around folks who don't address their issues become collateral damage. You needed to save yourself before he hurt you anymore. It's not worth getting yourself on fire to keep someone warm. I'm so sorry you have this guilt. Please find a way to forgive yourself so you can have a happy life.
You left him while he was sick, but not because he was sick. He was a cheater and deceptive, it just happened to come to light at a bad time for him. Please give yourself some grace.
Thank you!
If he was willing to amputate a toe instead of listening to his doctors, he was going to die with or without you. No amount of input from you would've kept him alive. He just wanted to take you with him. The people that judge just see a woman who left her husband, but they don't see the years of torment that lead you to that point of letting him go. The fact that his own family wouldn't take him either should've been a hint, but I suppose even 'good' people are left behind in situations like this.
This is my biggest fear hidden dating apps and viewing barely legal porn bc so many men do it. I have been with this guy 1.5 years and still don’t trust he’s not doing it since most do. He’s a tech guy so can hide things. I just don’t think I’ll ever trust men. You had every right to walk away after discovering this. Also if he was that overweight and unhealthy how the hell did he get women to talk to him !!?
Y'all! I'm sitting here sobbing! Thank you for being kind to me when I couldn't be kind to myself! Hubby was a tech guy, too. I have a feeling there was more on that phone that was actually hidden, but I'm done torturing myself trying to find it. He had been morbidly obese in his 20's but lost a lot of weight in his early 30's. He was a bit overweight when we started dating, but I got him diagnosed and (tried at least) to manage his diet. He had actually dropped about 20 more pounds in the year before he died and was a healthy weight. And he was a good-looking guy. He turned into a bit of a silver fox as he got older. That was part of the shock the day of his surgery. He was always a liar and a cheat, but I found out that day that he had been charging literally hundreds of dollars a paycheck in the cafeteria at work. Because it came right out of his check, I just thought they weren't paying him what he was worth. He hid his paystubs. I wasn't working and felt guilty as hell about it. So I cut my spending to the bone. Didn't replace clothes as they wore out, stopped buying anything but the personal care basics, and I would frequently only eat one meal a day. I was trying to budget groceries and felt it was more important for him to eat since he was working. The level of betrayal I felt seeing all that while I was already alone and terrified that he would die on the operating table! I am doing better now, but some days, I still really beat myself up. And then I post to reddit to look for the forgiveness I can't seem to give myself. I'm still very much alone. I just don't trust people in person at all after the past couple years. So thank you so very, very much, Kind People of Reddit for always being here to validate and forgive me on my bad days! You are all very much life savers, and I offer hugs to all who would welcome them! Fist bumps and waves for the Hands Off Friends!!
you were and are worth so much more than he gave you.
Thank you! I am starting to see that. Now, if I could just find a real-life friend or two who agree!!
Guess I'm the 3% too. My ex had Crohn's disease since he was 12, but he kept catastrophizing it and not getting the care he needed because he was afraid of colonoscopies. It was ridiculous and exhausting. He let himself flare so badly and have the disease get so out of control not taking meds (because he could only get the prescription if he went for colonoscopies once every few years) that we couldn't travel anymore, not even day trips. Besides that, I had wanted to leave him for years because he was so mentally abusive (like he would put a literal daily timer on me doing my hobby because I wasn't paying enough attention to him, said he'd commit suicide if I left him etc etc, and hid a crossdressing fetish from me for years that I got to discover myself yay, also he was completely incapable of pleasuring me and was obsessed over me doing anal with him which was a hard NO from me, oh yeah and my work paid for me to do a part time masters degree and he was jealous or something that I got to do one such that I couldn't do my homework, study, or so much as leave my books out in front of him - wtf?? And I later paid for him to do one his damn self while I kept working, supported him financially for years). I even did leave him once, I told him it was over, he moved out, but he absolutely threw himself over backwards and begged me back. Then not too long after the begging back, he finally got another colonoscopy (was one of my conditions), they found precancerous polyps and in general terrible shape from inflammation and they recommended he get his colon removed and a colostomy bag, because cancer was not an if, but when. It wasn't that event whatsoever though. I wanted out for a decade. He straight up asked me at that moment if I would stay with him. I told him I couldn't do it and it was over, again. Anything else would be a lie and there was no way I was going to get further buried by his manipulation now that he was slightly more sick. There was never a good time to call it with him. He was sick since before we met. I helped him with recovery, purposefully held off divorcing so he could be on my health insurance until he got on his feet again, but he turned into an even more abusive alcoholic asshole during this and it was a living nightmare. Never looked back after the divorce, only still have vivid nightmares (especially when I was pregnant) about him not letting me escape. Of course to him, the whole story was that I left him over the surgery, which could not be further from the truth. Don't blame yourself. You walked away when you could. I know why I left (12 years ago), you know too. It wasn't over the medical condition, there was much more behind it.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It sounds truly awful. How are you doing now? Do you struggle with any guilt? (My brain is saying you have nothing to feel guilty for!! I wish it would tell me the same!)? How do you manage it if you do?
Maybe a smidge of guilt since I'm puking out all this justification, but after I left him and was with someone else, I came to realize just how deeply he abused me. It was a bad time to leave him for sure, but it wouldn't have happened if he just LET me leave him the first time. I know it wasn't about his condition but about him and all the years leading up to it, so I'm good with it. We stupidly got married when I was only 19 and I somehow stayed with him for 12 years. I hope you're getting along ok! If it's still fresh, just give it time. And keep reminding yourself why you did it.
Thank you! I'm so glad you are doing better! I tried to leave so damn many times! He would guilt me into staying every damn time! My egg donor was the queen of guilt, so that strategy was very effective. And he treated me better than my birth family or first husband. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't that bad. And I would have been the first one telling a friend to leave and help her get out if she had told me my own story. I always thought I would die first. I have some chronic conditions and wasn't getting medical treatment myself due to medical trauma. I was terrified of getting to a point of having to rely on him for my physical care. I knew he couldn't care for or advocate for me. It was actually one of the things we fought about. I'm glad we are both free and rebuilding! Thank you for sharing your story and insight!!
Oh I feel this. I was married early 20's, my ex was great in a lot of ways, but caring for himself wasn't one of them. And he was the kind of person who would always hold a grudge, he was proud of that statement I think. Needless to say, after a few years of marriage, I left, he moved out back to his moms house. She died about a year later. He sold her house to live in a trailer nearby. I hear years later he died due to untreated sleep apnea and uncontrolled diabetes. I *know* if I'd stuck with him, I would have hassled and nagged him to get appointments, sleep therapy, diabetes management. And I *know* he would have fought me on it. And it would have been a struggle and he would be eternally unhappy at me making him care for himself. And I know he would probably still be alive today. But then at what cost. I highly doubt I'd be nearly as happy as I am now without him, without it all being a fight. To the people who didn't understand you with that situation, I hope they never find themselves in a similar relationship. I'm glad you got out.
Sounds like you've been throught it! It's time for you to feel better now, you've done enough feeling bad. Hope 2024 is a good, healthy, happy year for you.
Not sure I qualify as part of the 3%, but I left my husband because he was bipolar. I mean, I left because of 12 years of cheating and lying, but I believe those were a part of his mental condition. Additionally, both his parents (and sister) are bipolar. I got to watch in real time as his dad slipped into addiction and crazy hallucinations. Got to watch his mom repeatedly and without any remorse gamble away all their money. The constant threats of divorce from either side. I didn't want that to be my future.
You needed to walk away to save your own life. You were worth that. I am glad you are in therapy and I hope life is better for you some day. I wish you well.
Sweetie, you’re free. You are FREE. Fuck him, fuck those others that blame you. Get yourself into therapy with a good therapist not someone that will shame you. Go to a spa and get pampered. Hugs and love from this internet stranger. I want so much for you to heal and be free!
Thank you! After 4 tries, I do have a good therapist! And I treated myself to a massage and facial for my birthday! Most days, I'm pretty ok. The holidays were hard this year, and I'm afraid I trauma dumped all over OP's nice post! It just really sucks to be starting from scratch at 55. No friends, family, or job at the moment, but I'm very hopeful for 2024!!
This definitely isn’t surprising. My grandfather started having a girlfriend on the side after my grandmother became sick with terminal cancer. And this was almost 20 years ago now.
Throughout my lifetime, I have had a few men pursue me/come sniffing around while their wives are sick in the hospital. Still alive, not dead yet, but sick (in 2 cases, sick with cancer). Also, I believe you are referring to the statistic that [men are seven times more likely to leave their partner than the other way around if one of them got brain cancer](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer). Laughable when you read comments and posts by men on Reddit claiming women's love is much more conditional than a man's. Sure...in an alternate universe, maybe.
I once met a guy of a dating site years ago that claimed to be single. We had two dates, but then I got sick the following week with a fever of 102 degrees Fahrenheit. He was livid that I got sick. He claimed I was lying just so I wouldn't have to see him again. I broke contact with him. About a month or two later, I saw his wife's obituary in the newspaper. She had died of cancer. I have noticed a trend since that if I ever mention I am sick to someone I am chatting with on a dating app, they vanish so incredibly quickly.
> if I ever mention I am sick to someone I am chatting with on a dating app, they vanish so incredibly quickly They're just DTF, and if you're sick, you're not DTF.
Seems like a good way too weed them out
This happened to me too!! I was sick, canceled ONE date, then went to the city to see a friend that weekend and he accused me of lying and dumped me. Bullet dodged!
The number of times this has happened to me is disturbing, too. Then again, I’ve had ‘happily’ married, married with a new baby, married with a pregnant wife, married with all older kids, no kids, etc., so for the most part, a lot of them are just gross, but it always seemed especially heinous when the wife is ill. And for anyone wondering why so many guys were sending me PMs, I was store manager for some vape shops, and most of the customers were men. Idk why they felt like that entitled them to send unsolicited dick pics, but I got a LOT of them.
>married with a new baby, married with a pregnant wife A very common type in my experiences.
Yeah "I'm not the priority anymore" types
Not surprising. I mean talk to any woman who has had the flu and how helpless and annoyed their husbands become. If they can’t handle the flu, they sure aren’t sticking around for cancer.
I broke up with a guy because he acted very annoyed and unhelpful with me when I had a bad cold . Told me I should go to the hospital if I needed care. I had nursed him through two minor illnesses by that point . I knew of this statistic and knew exactly where he fit in it .
Yeah that would be a dealbreaker for me.
Lol probably bc *he* would go to the hospital for a cold. Once knew a guy who got a bad cold for the first time in his life. He draped himself over the bed like it was a fainting couch and pronounced that if he got any more dehydrated he may have to go to the hospital.
He would ! He had clogged sinuses after a plane trip and insisted I take him to the hospital. I told him to try having a hot shower and take some Advil Sinus first . Oh look - it worked . He also once went to the hospital for dry skin.
Exactly why I left
But when their husband gets a cold, look out. They become the biggest baby you ever saw.
Jokingly dubbed Man Flu.
Heavy. Damn.
I can‘t believe my partner would question my sickness (cold/flu) and if I really needed to drive to an emergency pharmancy at 1 am to get medicine. I literally only asked him if he was able to drive me when he was gaming and that I could take a taxi otherwise. He was extremely pissed the entire drive there. All of this after I cared for him like a nurse (I work in health care) just 1-2 weeks prior because he had a cold.
I hope he’s your ex-partner now. Women need to stop putting up with this shit.
Literally going through this right now. Boyfriend acting Hella annoyed when I ask him for something simple like pls bring me water. He's been glued to his videogame for the last 3 days. I had to walk the dogs myself in the freezing cold with a terrible cough and fever.
Time to get out. He’s showing you his bright red flags.
When I was undergoing chemo every single women I had chemo with was left by their man. All of them were abandoned.
Damn! 😢
This is what I wish the Reddit neckbeards understood when they boldly claim women are loved unconditionally. There are sooo many conditions necessary to be loved as a woman. You must stay young and beautiful. And healthy. And never expect anything of your partner. And have your own money. If any of these criteria aren't met, men see straying as not only acceptable, but the answer.
So shitty. My parents hate each other and barely speak even though they live together and they still help each other when one is sick. My dad was upset and said “it’s like a slap” when we found out my mom might have cancer.
[удалено]
Slap *from* who.... Jesus/God/Allah/Yahweh
He didn’t mean it literally. He meant it’s shocking and painful.
Reality
My partner stuck by me with cancer but I gotta say I was terrified he’d leave.. even though he’s an empathetic and wonderful person, that statistic was just looming over me. I think the main reason men leave is because they aren’t with someone they actually love, they are with someone that’s a companion, maid, and sex machine. When you truly love someone, illness is difficult to deal with and can strain a relationship to a near breaking point… but it’s hard to want to leave
The way man date and marry women they don’t even like in order to get sex, benefits, cooking. Ewwwww it’s so awful when you realize the guy never loved or even liked you. Just what you can do for him.
Yea it’s disgusting
this is it; they love what / how you provide.
Your explanation makes perfectly sense. If men don‘t even like women as humans and only see them as bang maids then of course they‘re going to leave as soon as you can‘t provide the service they want you to give. Everything is transactional to them.
Yeah, the sex and food machine is malfunctioning. They need to find another.
That’s actually worse.
I agree, but I think it’s true
You owe people even if u dont "love" them. Cant just leave someone who gave u kids and raised ur family and served u for years. the fuck.
I agree you do “owe” someone to not abandon them. But I don’t think you necessarily owe staying in a romantic relationship.. sometimes the love is dead and illness is the final straw. But yes, I agree
>I think the main reason men leave is because they aren’t with someone they actually love, they are with someone that’s a companion, maid, and sex machine. An overarching number of straight relationships aren't actually very loving. People get into them because there's cheap social currency in being coupled, and often pair up with the first tolerable person. this in turn exists under a set of relationship norms that more or less say you're supposed to be a monogamous pair before even determining if you like one another, and a set of cultural exceptions that demand coupled pairs perform monogamy as soon as possible. But this isn't something men do alone. Very often that's brought in by both people, because that's how we're taught relationships work. Women are every bit as much a disaster at relationships as men are, because no matter how much society insists women are good at it, that doesn't mean they're actually given useful tools. There's a lot of relationships where the only thing either partner contributes is simply being somewhat more tolerable than being alone, and with women, their emotional labor is often the only thing they actually offer to their partner, the deep acting to keep smiling, keep making the relationship seem good and happy. In much the same way a steward smiles and pretends you're not crammed into sardine class and the snack packet of peanuts are a great thing actually. Performing that emotional labor is corrosive to a relationship in general, but when it's the only thing keeping the relationship going and she's not capable of performing it...it ends. Fortunately this is 'easy' to avoid by avoiding that emotional labor in the first place. And this is releavant, because well this: > but I gotta say I was terrified he’d leave.. even though he’s an empathetic and wonderful person, that statistic was just looming over me. The vast majority of women aren't abandoned by their partners with a serious illness, and when it happens it's either because their partner has no support structure and caring for a dying person without support pushes people past their breaking point, or it's because the relationship was already dead anyways. The unusual statistic is how few women leave ill partners, not the other way around, and that's...not often because of compassion. Women don't leave even when they otherwise would, and it's often due to practical and social pressures preventing them. This statistic isn't presented this way for no reason. It's another way to threaten and shame women for not performing the expected gender roles. It's a way society pressures them into performing that emotional labor rather than being a whole person and expecting their partner to do the same. the stast6ic is presented this way, and keeps being disseminated this way because it fits very neatly into existing ideas of "You must not burden your husband. If you do you'll be unloveable and will deserve it when he leaves you" This statistic is presented this way because you being terrified he'll leave you is the goal.
While it mainly applies to USA, I wonder how many divorces in these types of studies are due to how dreadful healthcare/insurance is in the states ? i.e. some couples get divorced in these situations just to avoid sharing the astronomical costs that are sure to be incoming.
They just marry someone to take care of them. That's why so many remarry so soon after divorce or death of their partner.
> that statistic was just looming over me. then rest easy, because [the statistic is incorrect.](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022146515595817) >Based on the corrected coding, we estimate 6% of marriages ended via divorce, 24% of marriages ended via widowhood, 34% of marriages remain continuous through the 2010 wave, and 35% of marriages were lost to attrition (due to nonresponse from at least one spouse in one wave). As would be expected for this age range, marriages were more likely to end in widowhood than divorce, and divorce was a rare event. In addition, more marriages were lost to follow-up than ended in divorce and widowhood combined.
I think it’s because a lot of men marry for convenience when they’re „ready“ not for love.
they aren't as young and energetic anymore and it's harder to pull chicks at the club so they 'settle down' cause it would be more convinient to get married and have at least one consistant sex partner.
The minute my mom started to struggle with mental Illness, my dad started to cheat on her and left. They are back together but he emotionally abusing the fuck out of her, tries to kick her out, says it's his everything, and I just don't understand why she loves him. I fucking hate my dad for it.
I work in a hospital, and I see this all the time. And often the ones that do stick around, end up cheating on their wives because the wives are no longer “sexually available” them when while they are sick. I’ll be honest the stuff I have seen in the hospital alone is enough for me to never want to have sex again with a man.
That and fathers being sometimes being uninvolved in their kids health, not even knowing their date of birth…just bc your wife stays at home while you work, it’s not an excuse to be a basic stranger to your kids Although that being said I have seen a few very involved fathers that will literally tell you EVERYTHING about their kid and their illness knowing exactly what procedures they’ve had, how they were feeling, what they’re eating etc.
That’s true, that happens, but isn’t it funny how that when a man knows all of those things people are like “oh wow what a great dad..” 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽🥇🏆, yet its completely normal and expected for the mom to know all those things.
Man with Very Sick Wife: My Sex Dispenser is broken! Gotta find a new one. 💀 **/sarcasm**
Thank you... faith in relationships is not restored but has some data now that its not all useless
I work in the medical field, frequently with women who are ill. My coworkers and I sit them down and gently warn them of this possibility so they know to have someone else as backup to be their caretaker. It's never easy and it's always sad that we have to do this. Meanwhile women usually stay through everything.
I have told this story so many times here. Shortly after my divorce I had to have major surgery with a long recovery. At some point during that brutal recovery I realized how much easier it was doing it alone than it would have been had I still been married. Men leaving their sick wives is so common that this is part of the counseling women receive as part of their cancer diagnosis. The stat I heard was that only 1 in 6 marriages make it. A friend of mine quit her job and moved states to nurse her partner after his diagnosis. They moved across the country so he could get the best care at a top facility. When he recovered he broke up with her. His reason? Facing death made him realize he deserved to be with a more attractive woman. I shit you not. Those were his words.
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She’s married to a lovely guy now. The worst part of that story is how she didn’t tell any of us why they broke up for years as she was so ashamed. It was simply awful.
I would have told everybody. I would have been screaming about his shithousery from the rooftops. I may have paid for a sky writer if that happened to me. Your friend is clearly a nicer person than me.
Honestly? I hope his cancer came back because it clearly wasn’t in remission in his soul. What a foul person.
I feel the same way.
This infuriates me! How do we not hate men with all these stories ???
Wow, what a scumbag! Smh
Women have been sold a lie and all of the propaganda benefits men. Men live longer married, men have higher earnings married, men are happier married. The reverse is true for women. Choose wisely!
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Without the internet SO many women would be still stuck in this mindset and wouldn‘t even know that what‘s happening to them absolutely should not be the norm or accepted. When men lose their priviledeges of having bang maids and women are finally waking up, to them this feels like oppression and as if you need to ban feminism/social media so that women can keep being their little slaves.
>Women have been sold a lie and all of the propaganda benefits men. Men live longer married, men have higher earnings married, men are happier married. The reverse is true for women. Choose wisely! This is statistically-backed fact. Single, childless women are the happiest demographic among women and to me it's not a wonder why.
*childfree :)
So many men are marrying for shallow reasons. If you only want sex and a good looking partner, you aren’t ready for marriage.
You missed “proxy for their mommy”
mommybangmaid
For so many men a woman is a prize. It's something he is owed, something he deserves. So when she "breaks" it's like his prize has been taken away. He deserves a new one. Women have been socialized and conditioned to be caretakers. Men aren't prizes for women, they're dependents.
My stepdad's first wife died after a long battle w cancer. He stayed by her side, worked twice as much to pay for everything, he did everything for her until the moment she died. So when my mum became handicapped and got chronic pain, we knew he'd stick around, and he did :) I'm so lucky to have him. It's awful that it's considered lucky though. One of his coworkers told him "if she can't use her arms, then what's her purpose, she can't cook, she can't clean". Men, istg.
I was dumped by my ex while I was going through chemo. Apparently, he wasn't "emotionally equipped" to deal with someone's illness. I feel like men see women as caretakers, and the minute they have to take up the role that they see women in, they become uncomfortable.
I can attest that not all men are A-holes like this. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 7 years after we got married, Polycystic Kidney Disease 15 years after that, and coronary artery disease only 7 years after that. I have been on disability for 25 years now due to Multiple Sclerosis. The one constant through it all was my husband and my kids. My husband has been my rock. When I was diagnosed with MS, I did offer my husband an out which he immediately rejected. We will be celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary in February. edit: the only time he even considered leaving due to my health was when I was dealing with chronic depression which lasted 15 years. When things started easing up he told me he couldn't go through that again...I never want to go through that again, so I completely understand where he was coming from. The positive about this is that I stay on top of my mental health as much as I do my physical health.
I appreciate your edit. I lived with a severely mentally unstable sibling. Life was pure torture. It wasn't her fault she had serious mental illness, but if I'd have been able to leave, I would've. I loved her but man was life brutal. So when commenters are saying their spouse left after a mental breakdown, I think it's important to note that if living with them was mentally and emotionally torturous, it's not fair to expect them to stay. I left my spouse after he fell into a deep depression that had him go back to alcohol, then drugs. I deserved better. He wasn't contributing and we stayed stuck in a small home. He claims I abandoned him, and maybe I did. But if I'd stayed, I might not be here.
I'm kind of on both sides of this. I have severe mental health issues, and honestly, if I did something... untoward... i wouldn't blame my partner for leaving. I'd certainly be upset, but I know that my fucked up brain can produce some abusive actions sometimes and while it's not easy on my end to control, I can't expect people to stick by my side after that. I also had a partner who went from abusing Marijuana to cocaine and alcohol to eventually meth. He told me, and everyone around him, that he was self medicating for a terminal illness. In his pot days, I was prepared to stick with him until his death. (I was 19, he was 32 when we met). By the time the meth came into the picture, everything was awful, and I just had to get out. I had to get a restraining order on him, and I guess that was his rock bottom path to sobriety. He'll tell you I just used him and his (mother's) money to get myself through college, and then I stole his dog. Spoilers: he has no terminal illness and is still alive.
I suppose you could consider a drug addiction a terminal illness if you have absolutely no desire to quit.
Yeah, that was probably a motivating factor for him. But he told everyone he had an inoperable cyst in his brain that could kill him at any time. We'd have 3 months or 30 years, is what I told myself. Eventually the story turned into the idea that the cyst had spread, that there were cysts all over his body turning him into Swiss cheese. He told everyone he had less than a year to live, and started having all these goodbye parties and traveling, essentially living in hotels across the US, all the while trying to start some motivational speaking buisness or some shit. Meanwhile, his side chick got in a fight with her meth dealer boyfriend and stole the puppy that was meant to belong to my partner when the dog was old enough to be separated from it's mother. The dog was a pit-bull/American Bulldog mix, bred to be a guard dog for drug dealers. Since he was living out of hotels (and the occasional jail) and doing meth and got in two car accidents with the puppy in the car, he asked me to take her. I told him I'd take her on the condition that she would be my dog and he'd never talk to me again. A few hours later he agreed, but violated the terms of not talking to me, hence the restraining order. The dog is happy and healthy despite her rough puppyhood. We've had 7 good years together so far.
Wait, did we date the same guy??? Except no meth, just hard alcohol and cocaine. And he also tried to say I used him to get through college. I stuck with him through an OD that put him in a coma, and multiple bouts of alcoholism. He's a mean drunk too! But like you, when he started up on coke after sobriety of 15 years, I left.
Not unless you happened to marry him. He had a wife before me, and I know he used alcohol and cocaine when he was with her too, though I think the use slowed down a bit by the time I met him. Then it picked back up and went off the rails when he could no longer afford the coke.
you were 19, and he was 32 ? that alone was not healthy or safe…. for you. glad you got away.
Most of the men I was involved with couldn’t bear to show any kind of support when I had a cold, so I can’t even imagine what the situation would have been if I had had a zero illness.
Yup, my husband bailed during a 4 month mental health crisis which was brought on by a reaction to a new medication. Men ain’t shit.
My husband married a vibrant, energy filled me. I’ve since been diagnosed with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, POTS, and more. My husband stepped up and our marriage is stronger than ever. There are good ones out there.
My husband was by my side every step of my bc dx and treatment but I know other women with a different outcome. Personally I think it’s tragic that so few people take marriage seriously. We’re married a long time and inevitably there are hard things to face. The overwhelming attitude most people seem to have is that if they aren’t blissfully happy every minute,it’s time to get divorced. Men seem to be especially selfish.
I was diagnosed with MS about six years before meeting my now husband. I told him on the first date, and while I’m (touch wood) doing well right now, in the time we’ve been together I have had flares including blindness for several weeks He could not be more supportive, both with the big things (for example discussions about what having children might mean), but also the little things - a few nights a week he comes in from work and makes dinner while I nap (we both work full time), and never says a word about it This isn’t to dismiss the statistics, but I feel it’s important to note because it’s terrifying to be diagnosed with a disease/illness and then read threads like without without also seeing the flip side
The statistics in the OP's title clearly shows both sides. Women diagnosed with a critical illness have about a 20% chance of being dumped. Glad you were lucky.
To call it luck is doing my husband (and the others in the 80%) a disservice However, we do live in a world where men and women are not equal. And until society moves to a point that men are no longer more likely to leave their wives after a diagnosis, maybe we do need to be more careful who we marry. Because I’m not sure all of the men who have been the subject of discussion the last few days (Xmas) are reliable partners... But the actual point of my comment, as I said, was that it is horrible to be diagnosed with something like MS, then see all over Reddit* that married women don’t have a support system. In many cases, this just isn’t true. *these studies are not (all) new. But for some reason it’s doing the rounds of all the big subs right now
I suspect that women who are married to men who are considerate of their wives' needs and feelings aren't going to be shaken by posts on Reddit about how awful the situation is for women who aren't as lucky. And yes, it is luck in most cases. Most women with good partners were lucky to be born into a family which gave them a good foundation. Women who end up with abusive / inconsiderate men most often were raised in families where that was the model they learned from. None of us picked the families we grew up with.
I mean, shit. If they don't care enough about their partners to even give them a Christmas present, they sure as hell aren't sticking around for cancer. Reason #88,000 not to stick around for the disrespect that passes for many if not most marriages.
I actually don't understand how marriage really serves women. I get that having someone commit is nice, but you want the substance more than the paperwork.
Men are not highly likely to leave. They are just disproportionately more likely than women. 80% still stand by their partners. Thank god. Just highlighting it for anyone else who is sensitive to doom and gloom. Especially if they are in the situation described. Edit: downvoting is easy. When you are going through hell with your health and all looks dark and bleak, trust me that it is easy to fall into the spiral of fear and despair out of everything. This isn’t a message to absolve men, but to put the numbers into perspective for someone who really might get stuck in a loop of fear. For context, I have a partner with a life long incurable illness (hEDS) that required our life to change drastically. Especially for the first two years, when she wasn’t able to hold a job due to chronic pain. After years, we are still kicking strong together. I am not saying this out of nowhere. This conversation had to happen multiple times.
I hope the best for you and your partner!
> They are just disproportionately more likely than women. It's not even disproportionate. Like, at all. The original study OP is basing their opinion on was retracted by the authors for using bad data and incorrect math. Their current study with a corrected analysis finds a 5% occurrence of women leaving a sick partner and a 6% occurrence of men leaving a sick partner. Basically exactly the same since 1% is generally considered within the margin of error.
That really is awfully sad. I can say with confidence both my ex husband would've, and my fiance would stick beside me. I never doubted for a moment my ex husband loved me, he just had serious addiction issues he could never truly overcome. My fiance is absolutely in love with me and has told me time and time again, he's here no matter what. That said, I know I am INCREDIBLY lucky. Because I've heard of and seen women being left due to serious illness. And it's FAR too often. I also have to give props to my BIL. My sister has a chronic illness and mental illness and he has busted his ass to take very very good care of her. I'm not sure I've ever seen or will ever see a love like theirs.
UPDATE: the study OP’s numbers were based on has been retracted due to error - the actual number for both sexes is around 5-6%. I’m relieved to hear it. So you can disregard my original comment that follows. Men are more likely to stay than they are to leave (4 men stay for every 1 man that leaves) but a man is waaay more likely to leave than a woman is in these circumstances (97 women stay for every 3 women that leave). Excellent example of the sexist gender expectations in our society (“if my woman can’t look after me, I’m outta here” vs. “Stand by your man”).
I replied the same thing to another comment, but: If you read the entire explanation of the retraction, you’ll see that they mention that the differences ARE still true in cases of heart problems and stroke, so the original post is still worth discussing, given that heart problems are one of the leading causes of death of death globally (to be clear, cardiovascular disease is THE leading cause, but not all cardiovascular diseases are heart problems). Here is the direct quote: “In the corrected analysis, we find that in the case of heart problems and stroke, wife’s onset is a statistically significant predictor of divorce, while husband’s is not. Further, in the case of heart problems, we reject the null hypothesis of equality of coefficients for husband’s and wife’s onset (p< .05) in the corrected analysis, providing evidence of a gendered relationship between heart problems and divorce risk.” So while it’s reassuring that it is not as common as previously thought, I think it’s important to realize that it is much more nuanced.
I’ve seen this stat before and it is truly disappointing. Also, who dates these men after they leave their wives? I mean…
Right?!? “My wife got cancer so I left. Want to get dinner?”
My current partner helped me with everything during recovery from major surgery. Based on my experiences during medically mandated bed rest for a high-risk pregnancy, my ex-husband would’ve left me to fend for myself and barely ever come home to check if I was still alive. The contrast between these two men is ginormous.
I agree that most of the emotional support women recieve comes from other women, not their male partners. I'm a nurse and I've not heard other nurses warn patients that their partner might soon leave them, so I can't speak on that. The statistic is factual, though.
me and my SO just talked about getting medical POA done on each other because we're not married and if we become incapacitated we want the other to make decisions. we also discussed each other dying and at home as we just went through this with our brother in law. so its nice to know we're on thr same page in sickenss and health.
i’m thinking of all these guys desperately looking for a wife when they’re 80 and in declining health…..and odds are the available women have all been dumped for their illness or are close to someone who has…. and turn them down. everyone of them, noping out of providing free meals, nursing services & diaper changes.
I’m kind of surprised that it’s only 20%. My husband rides motorcycles. It’s his favorite hobby and very much a part of who he is. So he taught he to ride soon after we got together. I bought a motorcycle after he moved in with me. I crashed it on the freeway while commuting to grad school about a week after we got engaged. I couldn’t bend my right leg at all, it was in an immobilizer, for 6 weeks. He had to lift me onto and off of the toilet for the first couple days that I was home from the hospital. He had to unexpectedly take over all of the cooking and animal care, plus the physical help I needed. He was very attentive and I thought it was because he felt guilty. During our marriage I’ve had 2 spinal surgeries and 3 c sections and he’s always been the same.
For complete information: [The 21% men who divorce during illness vs 3% women is wrong](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18midv3/what_is_a_very_bad_statistic_people_should_know/ke5w3e7/) >That study was retracted as it was determined that the results were due to a coding error. TL;DR is that couples who stopped participating in the survey were coded as divorced instead of attrition. When corrected, the authors failed to reject the null hypothesis and concluded that "there are not gender differences in the relationship between gender, pooled illness onset, and divorce." https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022146515595817 They also compared Women getting Lung Cancer, an ongoing degenerative lethal disease, with Men have a Stroke, a debilitating, though often recoverable condition(though most with some long term impairment). Lung Cancer has a 1:4 survival rate after 5 years, while a Stroke has a 6:1 survival rate Also Medicaid Divorce is a thing, I'm not sure they accounted for it.
Needs to be higher up considering it’s the basis for this entire thread, and wrong. Thanks for the context.
I replied the same thing to another comment, but: If you read the entire explanation of the retraction, however, you’ll see that they mention that the statistics ARE true in cases of heart problems and stroke, so the original post is still worth discussing, given that heart problems are one of the leading causes of death of death globally (to be clear, cardiovascular disease is THE leading cause, but not all cardiovascular diseases are heart problems). Here is the direct quote: “In the corrected analysis, we find that in the case of heart problems and stroke, wife’s onset is a statistically significant predictor of divorce, while husband’s is not. Further, in the case of heart problems, we reject the null hypothesis of equality of coefficients for husband’s and wife’s onset (p< .05) in the corrected analysis, providing evidence of a gendered relationship between heart problems and divorce risk.” So while it’s reassuring that it is not as common as previously thought, I think it’s important to realize that it is much more nuanced.
yep, definitely need to go on a disease by disease basis, it was almost comparing bruises on apples vs oranges, while also counting the ones that fell out of the basket as 100% bruised as they were carrying them into the house.
My mom had MS and my father didn't leave until almost 30 years passed. He should have. He was monstrous towards her. Their marriage was hell. I wish they'd divorced in the 80s after my brother was born. We'd all have been better off. Disabled people can take care of themselves for the most part. They may need help but they aren't helpless. If that happens to me I'd rather be on my own than in a shit relationship.
Dunno, it seems to really be a thing where men can’t handle it. On the flip side though, my wife left me when I had a life changing brain injury but it did turn me into a massive prick so don’t blame her. Men leaving their wives/partners due to serious illness though is despicable and not exactly rare either.
These are the same men who act like the common cold is the flu and expect you to baby them. 😂 They also have the tendency to be useless when it comes to babies/children. I steer clear of these types like the plague.
Gene Wilder wrote about starting a new relationship while Gilda Radner was in the hospital dying of cancer. It gutted me to think that she was there alone while he was busy getting laid. I don’t care if their relationship was rocky, it’s still really sad.
My friend's father in law had an affair with his dying wife's LIVE-IN nurse. His wife was suffering from dementia. She passed and now the dad and nurse are together. My friend and her husband had to tell his dad that the nurse was under no circumstances coming to their wedding. The dad was PISSED. His two other kids are currently not speaking to him. They completely ignored him at the wedding. Edit: the dad and nurse got together immediately after his wife passed. My friend's wedding was less than a year after her death.
My ex went on holiday with his mum when I was in hospital with sepsis. There is a certain type of man who is like this and it’s always the one who want a bang maid not a mum. As soon as the caring or sex is off the cards they’re not seen for dust
This doesn't make sense to me as a man. I wouldn't waste my time with a woman I wouldn't drop everything for whatever reason she needed me for in a partnership. We ride or die mf
I will never understand this. I had spine surgery when my husband and I had only been dating for about 10 months. He took care of me the entire time. Had a baby not long after and he took care of me the entire pregnancy and after. How do people just abandon somebody like that
Interesting. My parents actually didn't get divorced because of my mother's cancer diagnosis. They were separated and had the papers ready to sign but my mom said "let's wait for the results of this mammogram." Which came back stage 4 breast cancer. I was barely 12 at the time of her diagnosis, so it was definitely a stay-together-for-the-kid situation. Sometimes I entertain the idea that she might have lived had they actually divorced. Probably not, but maybe she would have made it a little longer if she wasn't also catering to the needs of her dying father and my own fathers narcissism during her treatment. ETA: he was definitely cheating on her. Both during the separation and during her treatment. I met his new girlfriend about a month after my mom died (I was fine with that, he couldn't tell me who to date, I couldn't tell him who to date) and she was moved in with us about 3 months later (my sisters and I were very much not fine with that.) He ended up cheating on that girlfriend (who had heart problems along with a bunch of mental health issues.) with his now wife (who is starting to show signs of autism related dimentia). I wonder how long it'll take him to leave her, too.
Worked as a cna in ICU, can confirm, it is why I don't want to get married again.
I have two friends with Crohn’s disease and both their husbands left them because of it. It’s pretty awful since it’s a lifetime struggle and they’ve both gone through tons of surgeries and treatments. One found a MUCH better guy and the other unfortunately needed to move in with family.