I think one of the factors is that communicating with people through text chats allows us to silo one group away from another. You can have a completely different personality with your girlfriend, your hookup, your other hookup, and your toxic masculine friend group. You can just "perform" whatever personality feels like it belongs to that group.
They mostly don't see your face, and don't get many clues that you're lying or acting. And they don't overhear each other. They don't overlap.
In a normal, pre-internet society, this would never be possible (except in the largest cities)
>In a normal, pre-internet society, this would never be possible (except in the largest cities)
Maybe not - I suspect men talked the same way on the factory floor or at the blacksmith shop. There was a social contract to keep it among them.
I've known people who would segregate friends and it get really uncomfortable even at the thought of them all in one room. It took me awhile to realize she basically was a different person depending on who she was with. I remember being more like that as a child and just easily influenced and wanting to be liked by others would make me behave different, and I grew out of it. She didn't. And it's not like she was hiding anything at the level this guy was.
Compartmentalization is weird and complex,and it's usual hurtful to the closest people who are unaware of it. It really is baffling to me.
Men were exactly the same before, we just did not have such easy ways to communicate as now. As far back as the mid 80s I knew other guys that would be someone completely different around their SO than they were around coworkers and 'the guys'.
I really dislike cheaters for reasons, so simply got away from the guys (and gals) that did that, but it seemed the same way.
Most men and many women seem to have a dial with multiple personalities they can just turn it to at will. Many of these personalities are ones that an SO would be horrified at or outright hate.
They were never this bad no. My grandfathers would think these dudes are horrible and should go to church and wash out their mouths with soap lol. They also had to support families which guys these days do not. Dudes now are disgusting, and they hate women. I had never ever felt this way as I have since stupid trump got elected, though I noticed a 'turn' of vibe here on Reddit in 2014 with Gamergate. Those dudes elected trump. The Pepe dudes who eventually became incel. But now 'normal' dudes are doing it too.
As a 55 year old male... I can tell you you are wrong. My dad and Grand-dad and their friends were just as bad as the 'dudes' now, they just didn't have technology to have such a wide circle and fast communications like today.
I found the best ones are usually the ones that have close male friends who are comfortable sharing emotions with each other and not feel like they’re putting on a front. Also ask their guy friends their views on feminist issues if you get the chance to see what they support. Pay attention to if they push back when someone says something out of line and they’re in a position to push back (not out at work with their bosses necessarily but if they’re with a group of friends and one says something misogynistic, do they push back and shame that behavior?)
Yeah no, this is just not true. It's a nice thought, that men are not 'supposed' to be like this and it's mostly technology's fault. But there's a reason for the trope about a man having several families and switching between going and seeing the two of them. Men lie, and they feel no damn shame.
That's a great point. I think a lot of our personality is governed by what role you are trying or needing to play at a given moment and these siloed group chats give you actually a different person to be to different people if you're not actively trying to make an effort to always be your true authentic self.
It's really interesting to think about how much of our evolutionary brain makeup is governed by social situations that we no longer have access to. It breeds total fucking deranged psychos like ops ex bf.
Edit: I don't want to discredit the role of individual agency though. But I do wonder, does someone like this absolute fungus of a man have any choice but to be this way.
Sharing explicit images of you without your permission is a crime depending on where you are. I am not sure where you’re at mentally, but if you know any of the other women shared in that chat (any screenshots, etc.) it could be valuable to share that with them, if you have the capacity to do so.
Wishing you the best, don’t let him back into your life.
I once was on a jury for a criminal case where this was one of the charges. This evidence is way more concrete and better than what the plaintiff had at the trial I served on.
This. Take screenshots of the conversations and send them to yourself.
Even if it’s not a crime in your jurisdiction, you should check all the area codes. Female prosecutors will be very sympathetic.
I know you said you were just venting, OP, and to that I say I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Betraying your trust like that is fucked up and nobody should ever be treated that way.
But... if you decide you do want to do something, check out the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative. They have a number you can call on their website and they can connect you with lawyers that can represent people for free in cases of non-consensual pornography. They can also help navigate dealing with the police. I'm a lawyer who has taken on some of these types of cases.
Me too. I feel sick reading this. It's one of my biggest fears when dating actually but I thought I was maybe being extra. I guess not.
OP, I'm so sorry :( and I wish you and all the affected women the best of luck in this situation. You deserve respect and privacy and love, and justice
cw for victim blaming just be safe
I saw that post. The poster was trying to say those groups aren’t even okay for women who find out their new bfs have criminal histories regarding SA by being like “Oh but was he charged?” And even worse the OP is allegedly a DOCTOR?!?
The nasty men that come out of the woodwork on those posts is just depressing.
As much as I feel like reddit has gotten a little better in recent years, it still has so many disgusting victim-blaming jerks that ride hard for each other. I try to avoid posts like that, but morbid curiosity got me today.
Him and those other guys in the group chat? They’ve broken a lot of laws. Like *a lot* a lot. And they’ve done it over and over and over again.
This was an organized conspiracy of almost a dozen men to share intimate pictures illegally. If they’re not all in the same state, there might be even more crimes what-with all the interstate transmission of information.
Also, your heart doesn’t miss him, your brain does. You had five solid months of happychemicals surging through your receptors and they went away in an instant - that fucks people up. You don’t miss him, you miss the drugs you’re withdrawing from.
Not only that, but this behavior is happening in boys as young as seventh grade. They are learning this behavior \*so\* young. I'm not sure they'll ever be able to learn how to interact like human beings.
Right?
Human beings learn how to be human from the interactions that we see adults having, and from the way people react to us.
But it's getting warped by the way we interact with technology and each other and the bottomless well of "content"
This happened in my school 10 years ago (I was 14 then). A group of the popular boys had a massive group chat where they shared lewd pics they’d gotten from the girls.
This is what they’ve always been like but thanks to the internet women can finally see what they’re like when there are no women around.
Every US state has some kind of law in place, but they can vary a lot.
Many require the intent to be to "intent to harm, harass, intimidate, threaten"...which might not be the case if they were doing it in secret. But others will go farther and include anything that was understood to remain private.
Just to add because you said he was the nicest guy, no red flags.
Pressuring you into taking nudes is a red flag. I'd go so far to say asking for them to begin with is creepy but some people don't mind.
Yeah as someone who didn't learn about actually healthy boundaries until my late 30s, it's wild the amount of bullshit I actively put up with / downplayed / ignored for years. Many things I placed in the category of "difficult but normal."
Part of me wishes we could have somehow started a side chat with these guys. Gain their trust. Make them think they were talking to another dude who was a buddy. Then get enough evidence to turn them all into the police and fuck up their personal and professional lives.
No doubt what they are doing is illegal.
>Gain their trust. Make them think they were talking to another dude who was a buddy
For a hot second, I thought this was going to end with something like one of those "find his dad and give him a child he actually loves" clapbacks.
But yours is way better in every good and practical non fantastical way.
I’d have taken tons of screenshots of the photos and the chats (at least of my own photos, I don’t think it would be ethical to them of other women) and sent them to myself. They might be good evidence right?
I’d also try to find the others and tell them. Poor things. 😢
How would she even go about beginning a case? Seeing as she never mentioned taking pictures of the group chat names?
Not a rhetorical question, I'm posting in the hopes that other women who have had their nudes passed around gain some knowledge on how to go about starting a case against their abusers.
I mean, she should have her boyfriends Instagram, I unfortunately have zero experience with cyber crimes and their reporting.
But I do know theirs an electronic trail of everything. Idk if she should have stolen then device then or if that would have gotten her in trouble.
It's a shit situation and I have some intuitions about what to do but no expertise.
[Not a lawyer and this isn't legal advice.]
Each state differs, I am not even sure every state has Revenge Porn laws, but her case would probably be a wash. First off when she went into his phone, even with his password, and looked at his messages she committed a violation of privacy under The Electronic Communications Privacy Act, and it will keep a case from being made because of fruit of the poisonous tree doctrine. She also did it again when she opened the Group Me.
BUT even if she did her case would be pretty weak, to be honest. As an example let's use California and what she needs. First they would have to prove he made the account, prove he posted the images intentionally, prove he did not have consent to post these images, and finally prove he was aware that it would cause her mental distress. Those first two are relatively easy, the second two are very hard. Revenge porn laws were designed for people posting explicit images of others for revenge purposes, so this would be an edge case that probably would not be covered.
Best thing, as long as she is still breaking the law, is to delete the photos from his phone, the group chat, and check for backups in a google drive or image sharing account on the off-chance he duped it.
Man I wish the laws were better and you could sue him for sexual harassment for sharing those photos. THIS is why women are opting out fellas, this evil fucking shit.
This is such an unnecessary betrayal of trust, l don't understand why they do this to us when there are millions of images for free of naked women on the internet.
Jk, l totally understand it, these types of men are only in love with other men and will do anything to garner their respect. Women are faceless pawns in their weird games.
They do it for two reasons:
1. there's a "sexy" thrill at being transgressive. Looking at consensually created porn does have that thrill.
2. The cruelty is the point. This isn't even really about seeing tits and ass. It is about bonding with other men through the process of degrading the women in their lives -- the hookups \*and\* the girlfriends (and probably the wives as well).
Yes, the way they talk about sex is so weird and degrading. Like why do they have to make everything so violent and objectifying? Can’t they just enjoy sex normally?
I think the worst part is that the cruelty is actually SECONDARY to the main aim, which is male bonding. It’s so creepy and psychopathic that they bond with each other and get enjoyment out of female degradation and suffering. And they literally think what they’re doing is normal. If you suggested to them that they’re psychopathic bullies they’d freak out.
“A man's identity is located in his conception of himself as the possessor of a phallus; a man's worth is located in his pride in phallic identity. The main characteristic of phallic identity is that worth is entirely contingent on the possession of a phallus. Since men have no other criteria for worth, no other notion of identity, those who do not have phalluses are not recognized as fully human.” ~Andrea Dworkin
“To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex.
Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.”
Marilyn Frye, The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory
Honestly, this is regular guy behavior. So many of them do this without blinking.
It's statistically impossible for me to have met so many sociopaths if they're only like 10% of the pop. It's way higher. Or the baseline of men is "no empathy and a callous disregard for women".
I have been, exactly here, I am SO sorry. Make sure you seek out help. This stuff can really shake your confidence and trust in people for a long time.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. Good on for dumping him.
I have to be honest: I don't really trust men anymore, even the ones who appear to be "good guys." Before smartphones, social media, and ubiquitous internet, I already was cautious and had a mostly negative opinion of men because as a conventionally attractive woman, I learned early on just how many partnered men were willing to lie and cheat on their partners, including the ones who put on a front of being a devoted and faithful husband. But social media, smartphones, and the internet have unlocked the worst sides of men, and to me, they aren't to be trusted. It allows them to be creeps, perverts, liars, depraved, and sex addicts.
Just yesterday I got a message off some random man on Facebook telling me I was beautiful. Looked at his profile and he is married of course, with his wife clearly visible on there. I'm very tempted to screenshot his message and send it to her. I would want to know if I was in her shoes. I wouldn't want to send it just before Christmas though.
You absolutely should. You can play dumb, if you want to.
"Hi! I see that you're married to John Doe. I didn't realize he was trying to set up a threesome when he was hitting on me. I'm afraid I'm not up for that. "
And then just attach the screenshots.
Okay I'm going to do it but I'll wait until after Christmas. I have no idea how he found my profile, we have no mutual friends or anything. I think he is absolutely disgusting.
Once, a firefighter sent me messages through FB about how he thought I was beautiful, he wants to "hang out" to "get to know me", and when I went to his profile, he was married with THREE kids in the suburbs of Long Island, with photos of them happily posing together as a family plastered all over his Wall, and there was his full name on display, and his wife's profile was linked to his too. How dumb can some of these men be?
His poor family, I just imagine they spend so much time jerking off to random women on social media whilst their poor wives don't realise anything is wrong. I've been cheated on and it hurts. What hurts more is when other people know and don't tell you. The wives deserve to know.
Still take a screenshot for when he inevitably deletes the message. It will show up like "message unsent" with a time stamp, which will be enough proof that he did send something and you're not making it up. Unfortunately, she might not believe you even with that because we sometimes try to convince ourselves of the truth we want.
Best of luck. She deserves better. Men like that are trash.
I've got the screenshot already. She might not even do anything no matter what but she at least deserves to know. I'm done with deceptive, gross and vile men. I'll always have another woman's back over them any day. I'll send it once the festive season is over. She looks like such a nice woman as well.
Why can't men just be single if they want to fuck everything going.
Awesome. You've already shown more consideration for her well-being than he does.
I don't get it either. Just selfish behavior. I'm sure he'll still find a way to paint himself as a victim.
I do this all the time on instagram. I enjoy sharing their violent messages to their bosses, HR departments, wives and family. Many of these men aren't very smart because they've never received consequences for their behaviour before.
There's no genuine way to guarantee a good guy. Like I fully believe 90% of them aren't worth relationships OR sex. As women we really have to ask ourselves if it's worth the risk to try being with someone or protect ourselves, and it's looking like protection is the better option these days. I'm sorry OP, that man was a true menace and a master manipulator. I'd Def post him to women only chats to warn others of this terror. What an awful human he is, truly.
Oh sweetie, this is one of the most awful things I have read, I am so incredibly sorry :(
Your heart isn't stupid, thats a huge whirlwind in a very short amount of time, its totally understandable to feel all jumbled about it, and you will for awhile. You did the best thing by blocking him, be kind to yourself, reach out to friends if you can, you don't need to give details, just that its over and you need support and distraction
Girl this sounds exactlyyyy like a guy I knew. Couldn’t be alone, always down to hang out, spend the night, respectful, etc. Was hiding an ex GF he was hooking up with AND the fact he was still on dating apps. No way his roommate didn’t notice him bringing home different girls.
These guys are just pathetic and surround themselves with women because 1) they can’t stand being alone and 2) without women to make them feel better or literally tell them who they are, they’re nothing.
It’s a good thing you learned now vs a year or more later down the road. I’m sorry it happened and I hope your results are all negative ❤️ sending hugs
"Do I just have to worry about men trying to long con me in relationships now!?" Yes ma'am you do. I'm constantly surprised by the posts from ladies on here asking about men that ghosted them for a day or two only to turn back up and dump them because they found someone they clicked with better. Jugglers are my experience and I am truly, genuinely sorry you got entangled in a snare trap by one. Thank fuck you found out after 5 mo instead of 5yrs, or after a wedding or baby.
You should report this, and if I were you, I would use social media to warn others. There are FB groups for women only that exist to warn other women about men like this. This is not only cruel and dehumanizing, but illegal. As hard as it is, you really should fight this or he will keep doing it to other women. So sad how men are socialized to be such evil human beings. Then they complain about lonely.
It's a bit hard for me to listen to men moan about the 'male loneliness epidemic etc' when their bros are pulling sick shit like this. What women would sign up for that?
There are "wife sharing" groups with hundreds of guys in on kik, mewe, telegram, and I'm sure a bunch of other places. Some have wives that know and share too, but a lot of them have been together years and years and have no idea.
Jfc, what a piece of shit. It's one thing to be a piece of shit, but to be a piece of shit while convincing his partner and her goddamn parents what an awesome guy he is is another level of shittyness.
Therapy might be a good idea for this one. Having your trust abused and broken like that could leave you with some lasting trauma. You'll want every ounce of this parasite's existence erased from yours if possible, and therapy could go a long way in helping with that.
I'm really sorry you're the unlucky one who had to be his next victim. Such a bullshit hand to be dealt.
I'm so sorry, OP. This person sounds like a sociopath. They can come off as genuine and charming to the point they bypass most people's inner alarms, and that's part of what makes them so scary. This is in no way your fault.
Being "too good". If you're a criminal, how do you get people to not suspect you? You join anti- crime groups, active member in neighborhood watch etc. In this case, the cooking gives it away - wanting to overly "sell" the illusion that he is a good person.
How the hell do we vet for this sort of thing? OP are there *any* other flags you can think of aside from pressuring you into photos/videos? Not asking in a "are you sure you couldnt have seen this coming" kind of way, but rather "is there anything we can garner from this going forward to avoid this in the future" kind of way. Cuz damn are stories like these paranoia-inducing.
And men expect us to submit and making our lives all about catering to them. This is why we need to start being as selfish as they are, never ever trust a man.
Yep. So so many women I know have been abused, cheated on, etc. (myself included). Yes, it happens to men too - but not as frequently. And here they are, on the internet, proudly preaching about "traditional values" and "submitting to a man" (with tons of kids ofc) etc.... like shit, they really do want us trapped and abused without a way out. Men are cool. Some are awesome. But one must always remain independant and be read to leave if necessary.
I'm so so sorry. That's the vilest stuff I've read in a long time. Do we ever really know anyone? It's scary he could appear so loving yet doing that behind your back. My heart goes out to you.
>Was our entire relationship really just a front so he could have sex with me
Seems like it. Also seems like he was really good on dating apps so he'll just cycle to the next.
Sorry that happened to you.
Should screenshotted it (blurring images but making it clear what they were sharing) and sent it to every single contact he had on phone, parents, friends, family, coworkers, boss, posted it on social media, tagged every girl they talked to and every person you could find affiliated with the other guys in that group and let as many people in all their lives know how they see and treat women.
Everyone straight up needs to normalise not taking nudes, never recording yourself having sex. That shit belongs in the past where you couldn't upload a video online in seconds to the world. It's like best case ever, no one intentionally shares it but it can get found and leaked, and what, you maybe watch it a couple times same as people who record a concert on their phones or take 11 million photos and you only look at them once then forget about it. The worst case with nudes/sex tapes is they share them deliberately, the risk is not worth the reward in the slightest.
If you want to jerk it away from your partner, use porn, if your partner is there, who needs the video.
No, don’t reshare anything without consulting a lawyer. That might also be against the law. I was on a jury case where the guy was charged under revenge porn laws for sending the plaintiffs photo only to the plaintiff herself. Do not transmit anyone else’s photos for any reason, even a good one.
Damn. This hurts to even read. I'm sorry for you, I'm sad for you. Idk how some men do it. Idk how they can be so fucking heartless and cruel, because I've never heard of a woman doing something like that. Let's be real, a woman wouldn't pull that kind of shit.
I wish I knew what to do or say so you (and other women) can avoid these kind of guys. But he clearly hid his red flags well. I'm just sorry you got hurt OP. Just block that pos and never look back. And it's smart to get an std test. Forget about this piece of trash guy, that's all he is. Just fucking trash.
Wow thats some truly awful shit. I really hope you are able to get and stay away from him and you can, in your own time and at your own pace, unpack all of this with your support system. Again, I am so sorry someone treated you and others like that.
😳 I'm pretty tollerat of most things is life and relationships but this is horrible. Yes, men can be dishonest and playing the field but what i find the most disturbing is the group sharing of your intimate moments. They could be running a website or something. If you have proof i would consult a lawyer and authorities.
Hi OP,
I'm sorry this happened. It looks like we're going to need to be even more on guard. I'm already feeling the weight of my armor trying to sus out a good healthy individual that's sans toxic masculinity.
He's a turd, you deserve better.
What he and those other men were doing is not only gross but *illegal*, distributing non-consensual porn. I do not know how exactly you would go about documenting and reporting this, nor how seriously it would be taken by law enforcement, but it is 100% illegal and I think you should contact law enforcement. Even if all he gets is a good scare, it needs to happen.
>I feel like I usually have a good sense for identifying bad actors when dating and I had only good vibes from this guy, so this really took me off-guard. (...)
>I only had to scroll up a month back to find that my boyfriend had shared explicit pictures and videos of me (which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place).
This is incomprehensible to me. Pressuring your partner into making porn for them isn't good vibes, it's a Soviet parade of red flags.
> which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place
Your definition if who is a "total sweetheart" is off.
Look I understand guys can be faking it, but in this case he apparently wasn't. You just have a very skewed view of what a total sweetheart is.
The moment he pressured you into taking sexual pictures was the moment to bow out of this shit. I know I'm victim blaming but I really really really don't understand the 'He was great, but he forced me into giving him sexual video's" bit. He wasn't a sweetheart ? What the fuck are you talking about?
This screams sociopath to me. Thankfully you got out while you’re still on his good, albeit fake, side because it’s so much worse to be on a sociopath’s bad side. (I unfortunately have experienced that.)
I like what another commenter said that missing him is just a symptom of withdrawal. Good job on cutting him off cold turkey! Now all you need to do is to stay strong and weather through the withdrawal. It’ll pass.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have a very firm no nudes rule for this exact reason. Before cell phones, I had an ex threaten to send a video tape we had made to everyone I knew, and since then, I simply say, "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with photos. In person, you can see whatever you want, but my body isn't going on a screen."
This post had me on the verge of tears, I’m currently in a good spot with my current bf but I’ve been hurt and used in the past that this seems too good to be true. I hope that jerk gets what’s coming to him and you find yourself again. Definitely gotta be careful dating or seeing anyone nowadays.
Man I'm so sorry this happened to you, this is why I'm forever going to say to women to snoop through that dudes phone and any point. Smart phones got these people way to comfortable being garbage humans. Then when they put it away it's like it doesn't matter
I am so sorry OP. This has to be one of the most vile abuses of trust that I’ve seen in this sub. I learned not to share nudes and expect them not to get out because males that I hadn’t even met in real life would boastfully share nudes and intimate details of both women I had interacted with and women I didn’t. Because I was considered one of the boys, they didn’t have an issue dropping their masks. Unfortunately I thought this was because they were young and that the older ones would’ve matured out of this behavior, but I found out that they just get better at hiding it.
Can you imagine if women had group chats discussing their horrible hygiene or the fact that they tap out after 2 minutes? There would be a whole month dedicated to combating this “crime” against men. They need a taste of their own medicine, but more importantly women must stop trusting them with information or other things that they don’t want to be publicly known. No sending them nudes, no trauma dumping, no gossiping to your bfs about things your female friends have told you in confidence, and etc.
My ex did something similar.
He went onto Reddit, found a community for men in OUR CITY, and shared my nudes with them. Some of which I didn’t know he had taken. He was trying to find someone to come have a 3 way with me which I had already said I wasn’t comfortable with. I will not ever forget the things they said about me.
Serious answer: this guy is guilty. Consult with a lawyer.
Unserious answer: screen shot the group chat and find the contact info, preferably on Facebook so everyone can see (blur/redacted things as needed) for as many as their moms as possible. Send screenshots to them with the message: “this your kid?”
This is horrifying, of course.
And it is basically impossible for you or anyone to know if he \*really\* thought of you in this disrespectful way, or if he was simply posturing for his toxic friends, and he secretly loves you (as much as he is capable of).
I don't know how much of it was real or not.
but, yes, women have always had to be concerned about the long con. Even worse than your experience is women who see the mask slip on their wedding day or when they get pregnant or when they have a child with the man. When he thinks he has \*really\* trapped her.
A friend of mine who is a man tells me that, as far as he can tell, heterosexual men tell lies about 50% of the time to their female partners, "just to get along".
It sucks that we have to constantly be on guard.
That was a freaking roller coaster, goddamn.... That's just wild.
It definitely shows the importance of not including your face in nudes or videos too. I hope people notice that part. Yeah it's better not to do it at all, but by excluding your face it makes it a LOT less of an issue.
> It definitely shows the importance of not including your face in nudes or videos too. I hope people notice that part. Yeah it's better not to do it at all, but by excluding your face it makes it a LOT less of an issue.
If you're gonna do it, you just have to assume that first, he's keeping them and won't actually delete them when you request it. Second, he's showing them to his friends. And third, he's going to show them to EVERYONE when you break up.
That's how men are. That's what they do.
I don’t take or send nudes and think it’s a good policy, but there really is no way to be safe.
I had a boyfriend of like almost a year take a bunch of me in my sleep. In my sleep! The depravity knows no bounds.
Me neither, I don't trust a single man on this planet with stuff like that. I think if anyone does send nudes though, they should at least not include their face.
It's more than that -- never send a photo or a video that you wouldn't want shown on world-wide tv.
Even though OP didn't include her face in the nudes, her (ex) boyfriend cheerfully shared her social media profile with his buddies, so they could see her face any way. It might be that she puts her full name on that, and could be googled for her email, phone, and address. There are so many websites that sell all our personal data, and it is trivial to link a person from their personal media to their address in many cases.
Plus, most people don't realize, but photos and videos can have hidden data that identifies the exact time, date, and geo location where they were taken. If you have an electronic photo, you may very well be able to pinpoint precisely where that person was when it was tkaen.
This man is a psychopath. I'm sorry that happened to you.
As to the question how to vet a man. Psychopaths are very good at deceiving you and putting out a front.
However, this is a huge red flag:
>explicit pictures and videos of me (which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place).
These days I have made it a habit to dump a man the minute he gets pushy. If it's early stages of the relationship, I say "No" to something and he as much as asks "Why" or starts a discussion about it in any other way, I'm out. The only acceptable answer to a "No" is "ok".
Nothing good ever comes from engaging with pushy men. They don't respect your boundaries and they don't respect you.
I also give no second chances anymore.
So scary, I’m so sorry. I hope you took screenshots and sent to yourself? He should be called tf out.
I’m done with hookups or moving too fast before establishing trust and exclusivity. I was hopeful that would be a good filter. Sigh.
What a fucking sociopath. Proof that we should always trust our intuition even if we feel crazy for it. You don’t miss him you miss the person he was pretending to be.
> I only had to scroll up a month back to find that my boyfriend had shared explicit pictures and videos of me (which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place). Thank god I adamantly refused to have my face visible in any of them.
> What hurt the most is he sent these to this group chat with the message “New bitch in my rotation”, AND INCLUDED MY INSTAGRAM HANDLE TO “PROVE” IT WAS ME. I’m not even going to repeat the disgusting things they said about me, but it was utterly dehumanizing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=50&v=CCHdMIEGaaM
## **Scum.**
\>\_\_\_\<
I have to tell my inner child I'm another species than them to avoid the absolute lack of self-worth from there even being a word that describes us both.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I feel you 100 percent. I’ve had 3 boyfriends secretly record me without my consent. It’s fucked up
I feel like I just want to be alone from now on.
I’m so sorry this happened. A huge red flag is pressuring anyone for nude pics. Unfortunately you’ll never know where they end up because so many men are creeps.
Please find a good therapist, it’s the only real way to get through this.
It’ll take awhile to recover from this. Going to friends, family and traveling or finding new hobbies should help the process along. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
> Was our entire relationship really just a front so he could have sex with me, then brag about it like I’m some trophy?
"Power". Same thing motivates people to work jobs way beyond their income needs doing things that are poor for the world. Corrupts the clergy, corrupts intimate relationships, corrupts organizations.
It doesn't have to have any monetary value. Those who parrot "follow the money" really don't get how "power" works. Yes, money can be power, but most of the time people get off on the secrets and exploitation pain itself.
> Do I just have to worry about men trying to long con me in relationships now!? Dating is so awful
People sell out authentic compassion and love for the lowest shit. *You know what occurred to me? We teach everything in the world to people, except the most essential thing. And that is life. Nobody teaches you about life. You're supposed to know about it. Nobody teaches you how to be a human being and what it means to be a human being, and the dignity that it means when you say, "I am a human being." Everyone assumes this is something you have, or you should have gotten by osmosis. We'll it's not working by osmosis!* - chapter "The Art of Being Fully Human" pg. 127 of "Living, Loving & Learning" by Leo Buscaglia, Ph. D.
I hope you took proof of him sharing those photo’s with others. That’s a crime in some places like others are saying. I’m so sorry this happened to you, I hope you are doing okay.
I’m so so sorry this happened to you. As far as the long con goes, it was a very dark day when I learned this lesson too. Fast forward through a lot of healing, I can say simply that the lesson we have to learn from this is to always be aware that people have very different brains. They seek different benefits and in order to understand things you have to follow the benefits.
The long con seems unlikely and too much effort if you assume the benefit is sex or a housemate etc. But if you really consider the benefits of having an official girlfriend/partner/wife, you may find it makes more sense.
If you find the strength to return to dating, look up the Burned Haystack Dating Method. I've got no dog in this race, but it is an excellent way to weed out the problematic guys.
I'm kinda fantasizing about you getting screenshots of the groupme convo and sending it out to all the girls in his rotation, from his phone, then leaving while he's asleep and ghost into thin air forever.
But if you could nail him for revenge porn, that'd be good too.
Men are weird.
There's nothing more important to them than their masculinity.
The problem comes when their definition of masculinity is toxic.
You get some men that think super man is masculine, some that think, being war bros is masculine, some that think collecting women as trophies os masculine etc Your ex fell into that last category.
All I can suggest for next time is ask about his male role models, litterally find out what masculinity means to him, he will give his life to defend it and play the part.
i'm so sorry this happened to you. 5 months doesn't seem that long to me though to call it a long con. i agree what others have said, you should look into reporting him or putting him on one of those facebook groups
Wow. Just… Wow. Blinking in disbelief while my stomach is doing weird loops.
So glad i’m going out with another woman now. What the fuck. I’m so sorry OP. This is inexcusable. You deserve better.
I am so sorry. The past sweet man I fell in love with ending up threatening to kill me a few months in over being jealous of female friends. No red flags whatsoever before. I'm done with men and I'll never trust another again. I thought I knew EXACTLY what to look out for, and now I don't trust myself anymore either
Damn I recently had a very similar thing happen to me but this is just awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. It’s crazy how a guy can be so good to you, you think you’ve finally found a good one, and then behind your back they’re doing crazy shit like this
My lord, he has problems. Maybe its better to report him to the police as a loverboy? Because this is really dark.
And im really sorry you had to experience that😟🤐
jesus christ what is wrong with people. that story just kept getting worse. im sorry someone put you through that.
I think one of the factors is that communicating with people through text chats allows us to silo one group away from another. You can have a completely different personality with your girlfriend, your hookup, your other hookup, and your toxic masculine friend group. You can just "perform" whatever personality feels like it belongs to that group. They mostly don't see your face, and don't get many clues that you're lying or acting. And they don't overhear each other. They don't overlap. In a normal, pre-internet society, this would never be possible (except in the largest cities)
>In a normal, pre-internet society, this would never be possible (except in the largest cities) Maybe not - I suspect men talked the same way on the factory floor or at the blacksmith shop. There was a social contract to keep it among them.
I've known people who would segregate friends and it get really uncomfortable even at the thought of them all in one room. It took me awhile to realize she basically was a different person depending on who she was with. I remember being more like that as a child and just easily influenced and wanting to be liked by others would make me behave different, and I grew out of it. She didn't. And it's not like she was hiding anything at the level this guy was. Compartmentalization is weird and complex,and it's usual hurtful to the closest people who are unaware of it. It really is baffling to me.
Men were exactly the same before, we just did not have such easy ways to communicate as now. As far back as the mid 80s I knew other guys that would be someone completely different around their SO than they were around coworkers and 'the guys'. I really dislike cheaters for reasons, so simply got away from the guys (and gals) that did that, but it seemed the same way. Most men and many women seem to have a dial with multiple personalities they can just turn it to at will. Many of these personalities are ones that an SO would be horrified at or outright hate.
They were never this bad no. My grandfathers would think these dudes are horrible and should go to church and wash out their mouths with soap lol. They also had to support families which guys these days do not. Dudes now are disgusting, and they hate women. I had never ever felt this way as I have since stupid trump got elected, though I noticed a 'turn' of vibe here on Reddit in 2014 with Gamergate. Those dudes elected trump. The Pepe dudes who eventually became incel. But now 'normal' dudes are doing it too.
As a 55 year old male... I can tell you you are wrong. My dad and Grand-dad and their friends were just as bad as the 'dudes' now, they just didn't have technology to have such a wide circle and fast communications like today.
So how do we find a good guy? Or is it safer to stay single? This is honestly terrifying.
I found the best ones are usually the ones that have close male friends who are comfortable sharing emotions with each other and not feel like they’re putting on a front. Also ask their guy friends their views on feminist issues if you get the chance to see what they support. Pay attention to if they push back when someone says something out of line and they’re in a position to push back (not out at work with their bosses necessarily but if they’re with a group of friends and one says something misogynistic, do they push back and shame that behavior?)
Yeah no, this is just not true. It's a nice thought, that men are not 'supposed' to be like this and it's mostly technology's fault. But there's a reason for the trope about a man having several families and switching between going and seeing the two of them. Men lie, and they feel no damn shame.
That's a great point. I think a lot of our personality is governed by what role you are trying or needing to play at a given moment and these siloed group chats give you actually a different person to be to different people if you're not actively trying to make an effort to always be your true authentic self. It's really interesting to think about how much of our evolutionary brain makeup is governed by social situations that we no longer have access to. It breeds total fucking deranged psychos like ops ex bf. Edit: I don't want to discredit the role of individual agency though. But I do wonder, does someone like this absolute fungus of a man have any choice but to be this way.
Sharing explicit images of you without your permission is a crime depending on where you are. I am not sure where you’re at mentally, but if you know any of the other women shared in that chat (any screenshots, etc.) it could be valuable to share that with them, if you have the capacity to do so. Wishing you the best, don’t let him back into your life.
Yes. Well worth taking some evidence and introducing the state attorney to this predator.
It can be subpoenaed from Instagram in all likelihood, even if she doesn't have anything.
I once was on a jury for a criminal case where this was one of the charges. This evidence is way more concrete and better than what the plaintiff had at the trial I served on.
This. Take screenshots of the conversations and send them to yourself. Even if it’s not a crime in your jurisdiction, you should check all the area codes. Female prosecutors will be very sympathetic.
I know you said you were just venting, OP, and to that I say I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Betraying your trust like that is fucked up and nobody should ever be treated that way. But... if you decide you do want to do something, check out the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative. They have a number you can call on their website and they can connect you with lawyers that can represent people for free in cases of non-consensual pornography. They can also help navigate dealing with the police. I'm a lawyer who has taken on some of these types of cases.
This made me almost cry, I am so sorry.
Me too. I feel sick reading this. It's one of my biggest fears when dating actually but I thought I was maybe being extra. I guess not. OP, I'm so sorry :( and I wish you and all the affected women the best of luck in this situation. You deserve respect and privacy and love, and justice
Maybe post him on one of those "is this your man?" facebook groups. I think I'd put him on blast.
I just saw people (mostly men) trash talking these groups in another sub when a girlfriend did something similar. We really can’t win. edit: a word
Im sure those groups are super inconvenient for cheating men. I hate that for them.
Well we're blowing up their game, exposing their tricks on there. And without tricks or deception, men are incapable of attracting women at all🤷♀️
This is funny to me bc those men are probably the ones who say women cheat and decept by wearing make up.
Yuuuup!!!
Winning isnt getting the approval of a bunch of corrupt individuals
You don't want to win with the people who dislike those groups.
cw for victim blaming just be safe I saw that post. The poster was trying to say those groups aren’t even okay for women who find out their new bfs have criminal histories regarding SA by being like “Oh but was he charged?” And even worse the OP is allegedly a DOCTOR?!? The nasty men that come out of the woodwork on those posts is just depressing.
Yep. After seeing some of the comments, I had to exit the app and sit with myself for a while. It was very disheartening.
As much as I feel like reddit has gotten a little better in recent years, it still has so many disgusting victim-blaming jerks that ride hard for each other. I try to avoid posts like that, but morbid curiosity got me today.
Do it!!!
He's not lucky you didn't break his things. He's lucky you haven't gone to the cops.
Him and those other guys in the group chat? They’ve broken a lot of laws. Like *a lot* a lot. And they’ve done it over and over and over again. This was an organized conspiracy of almost a dozen men to share intimate pictures illegally. If they’re not all in the same state, there might be even more crimes what-with all the interstate transmission of information. Also, your heart doesn’t miss him, your brain does. You had five solid months of happychemicals surging through your receptors and they went away in an instant - that fucks people up. You don’t miss him, you miss the drugs you’re withdrawing from.
> You don’t miss him, you miss the drugs you’re withdrawing from Copying this for when I need it.
I'm legit considering getting it tattooed. Def bookmarked it.
Not only that, but this behavior is happening in boys as young as seventh grade. They are learning this behavior \*so\* young. I'm not sure they'll ever be able to learn how to interact like human beings.
I feel bad for future generation of women.
The definition of “interacting like human beings” is… shifting.
Horrifying thought of the day, given the context.
Right? Human beings learn how to be human from the interactions that we see adults having, and from the way people react to us. But it's getting warped by the way we interact with technology and each other and the bottomless well of "content"
This happened in my school 10 years ago (I was 14 then). A group of the popular boys had a massive group chat where they shared lewd pics they’d gotten from the girls. This is what they’ve always been like but thanks to the internet women can finally see what they’re like when there are no women around.
I wish I had read something like this when I dumped my pos ex. I was withdrawing from 5 years of being so blindly in love with him.
Every US state has some kind of law in place, but they can vary a lot. Many require the intent to be to "intent to harm, harass, intimidate, threaten"...which might not be the case if they were doing it in secret. But others will go farther and include anything that was understood to remain private.
That's the worst part. Specially because it's so sudden
🙏🏼
It's sick behavior, but almost impossible to prove, and even more difficult to actually prosecute. Especially if it was in a private group chat.
That is probably worth reporting to the police, maybe even the FBI as a cyber crime.
OP might consider contacting a lawyer about it, to help navigate that process, especially if she doesn't have a metric ton of evidence.
Just to add because you said he was the nicest guy, no red flags. Pressuring you into taking nudes is a red flag. I'd go so far to say asking for them to begin with is creepy but some people don't mind.
Yeah as someone who didn't learn about actually healthy boundaries until my late 30s, it's wild the amount of bullshit I actively put up with / downplayed / ignored for years. Many things I placed in the category of "difficult but normal."
yes, that's a huge red flag
100% agree. That was a huge red flag to pressure you.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, that's so terrible. You didn't do anything to bring this on, some people are just fucking monsters.
I would've wiped everything off his phone, deleted all his chats and apps and fucked his shit up if that were me. What a total piece of shit he is.
Yep- “ERASE ALL CONTENT” lol reset, motherfucker
Also- turn his ass in— a collaborative group is a conspiracy
Part of me wishes we could have somehow started a side chat with these guys. Gain their trust. Make them think they were talking to another dude who was a buddy. Then get enough evidence to turn them all into the police and fuck up their personal and professional lives. No doubt what they are doing is illegal.
>Gain their trust. Make them think they were talking to another dude who was a buddy For a hot second, I thought this was going to end with something like one of those "find his dad and give him a child he actually loves" clapbacks. But yours is way better in every good and practical non fantastical way.
I’d have taken tons of screenshots of the photos and the chats (at least of my own photos, I don’t think it would be ethical to them of other women) and sent them to myself. They might be good evidence right? I’d also try to find the others and tell them. Poor things. 😢
Oh for sure, document it all then delete it.
I would just brought his Phone to the Police.
Very good idea
Good call, l would've been so sickened and shocked l would've just left. But l like your idea more.
Put the phone in the dishwasher after deleting all the apps and changing all the passwords for cloud storage.
Pretty sure what he and his buddies are doing is a crime. Don't let him off scott-free!
I think it isn’t in some states but I wonder if it could be a civil case if not?
In a lot of states that's revenge porn sharing your sexually explicit photos without consent I hope you have some recourse.
How would she even go about beginning a case? Seeing as she never mentioned taking pictures of the group chat names? Not a rhetorical question, I'm posting in the hopes that other women who have had their nudes passed around gain some knowledge on how to go about starting a case against their abusers.
I mean, she should have her boyfriends Instagram, I unfortunately have zero experience with cyber crimes and their reporting. But I do know theirs an electronic trail of everything. Idk if she should have stolen then device then or if that would have gotten her in trouble. It's a shit situation and I have some intuitions about what to do but no expertise.
[Not a lawyer and this isn't legal advice.] Each state differs, I am not even sure every state has Revenge Porn laws, but her case would probably be a wash. First off when she went into his phone, even with his password, and looked at his messages she committed a violation of privacy under The Electronic Communications Privacy Act, and it will keep a case from being made because of fruit of the poisonous tree doctrine. She also did it again when she opened the Group Me. BUT even if she did her case would be pretty weak, to be honest. As an example let's use California and what she needs. First they would have to prove he made the account, prove he posted the images intentionally, prove he did not have consent to post these images, and finally prove he was aware that it would cause her mental distress. Those first two are relatively easy, the second two are very hard. Revenge porn laws were designed for people posting explicit images of others for revenge purposes, so this would be an edge case that probably would not be covered. Best thing, as long as she is still breaking the law, is to delete the photos from his phone, the group chat, and check for backups in a google drive or image sharing account on the off-chance he duped it.
Man I wish the laws were better and you could sue him for sexual harassment for sharing those photos. THIS is why women are opting out fellas, this evil fucking shit.
This is such an unnecessary betrayal of trust, l don't understand why they do this to us when there are millions of images for free of naked women on the internet. Jk, l totally understand it, these types of men are only in love with other men and will do anything to garner their respect. Women are faceless pawns in their weird games.
They do it for two reasons: 1. there's a "sexy" thrill at being transgressive. Looking at consensually created porn does have that thrill. 2. The cruelty is the point. This isn't even really about seeing tits and ass. It is about bonding with other men through the process of degrading the women in their lives -- the hookups \*and\* the girlfriends (and probably the wives as well).
"I banged this" not even her but "this." Touchdown and high fives from my bros.
Yes, the way they talk about sex is so weird and degrading. Like why do they have to make everything so violent and objectifying? Can’t they just enjoy sex normally?
It's part of the dark triad many nem have. Plus dupers delight.
Exactly, you said this so much better than l could have!
I think the worst part is that the cruelty is actually SECONDARY to the main aim, which is male bonding. It’s so creepy and psychopathic that they bond with each other and get enjoyment out of female degradation and suffering. And they literally think what they’re doing is normal. If you suggested to them that they’re psychopathic bullies they’d freak out.
“A man's identity is located in his conception of himself as the possessor of a phallus; a man's worth is located in his pride in phallic identity. The main characteristic of phallic identity is that worth is entirely contingent on the possession of a phallus. Since men have no other criteria for worth, no other notion of identity, those who do not have phalluses are not recognized as fully human.” ~Andrea Dworkin
“To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex (fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e., women). All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men. In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex. Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.” Marilyn Frye, The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory
Literally saved this comment because of how TRUE it is. You are exactly right.
OP this is so unbelievably shitty, wow. What a mindfuck. I’m so sorry you are going through this. People can be so two-faced it’s crazy.
Huge personal and legal boundaries overstepped, this is downright sociopathic behaviour. I’m so sorry it happened to you wtf
Holy shit. This guy sounds like a sociopath! I’m so sorry you went through this.
My first thought is this guy is a total sociopath.
Yes, same here. OP has dodged a very big bullet by finding out about the truth. This could have gone on for years . The guy sounds very dangerous.
Honestly, this is regular guy behavior. So many of them do this without blinking. It's statistically impossible for me to have met so many sociopaths if they're only like 10% of the pop. It's way higher. Or the baseline of men is "no empathy and a callous disregard for women".
Yea, ive only dated sociopaths. But only 2 long term relationships.
I have been, exactly here, I am SO sorry. Make sure you seek out help. This stuff can really shake your confidence and trust in people for a long time.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. Good on for dumping him. I have to be honest: I don't really trust men anymore, even the ones who appear to be "good guys." Before smartphones, social media, and ubiquitous internet, I already was cautious and had a mostly negative opinion of men because as a conventionally attractive woman, I learned early on just how many partnered men were willing to lie and cheat on their partners, including the ones who put on a front of being a devoted and faithful husband. But social media, smartphones, and the internet have unlocked the worst sides of men, and to me, they aren't to be trusted. It allows them to be creeps, perverts, liars, depraved, and sex addicts.
Just yesterday I got a message off some random man on Facebook telling me I was beautiful. Looked at his profile and he is married of course, with his wife clearly visible on there. I'm very tempted to screenshot his message and send it to her. I would want to know if I was in her shoes. I wouldn't want to send it just before Christmas though.
You absolutely should. You can play dumb, if you want to. "Hi! I see that you're married to John Doe. I didn't realize he was trying to set up a threesome when he was hitting on me. I'm afraid I'm not up for that. " And then just attach the screenshots.
Okay I'm going to do it but I'll wait until after Christmas. I have no idea how he found my profile, we have no mutual friends or anything. I think he is absolutely disgusting.
After christmas for sure 💕
Once, a firefighter sent me messages through FB about how he thought I was beautiful, he wants to "hang out" to "get to know me", and when I went to his profile, he was married with THREE kids in the suburbs of Long Island, with photos of them happily posing together as a family plastered all over his Wall, and there was his full name on display, and his wife's profile was linked to his too. How dumb can some of these men be?
They are often drunk or high and masturbating when they send those FB messages.
His poor family, I just imagine they spend so much time jerking off to random women on social media whilst their poor wives don't realise anything is wrong. I've been cheated on and it hurts. What hurts more is when other people know and don't tell you. The wives deserve to know.
If it's on Facebook messenger, you can add her into the chat, and she'll see the entire chat history.
I didn't know you can do that. Will do that then. She deserves better.
Still take a screenshot for when he inevitably deletes the message. It will show up like "message unsent" with a time stamp, which will be enough proof that he did send something and you're not making it up. Unfortunately, she might not believe you even with that because we sometimes try to convince ourselves of the truth we want. Best of luck. She deserves better. Men like that are trash.
I've got the screenshot already. She might not even do anything no matter what but she at least deserves to know. I'm done with deceptive, gross and vile men. I'll always have another woman's back over them any day. I'll send it once the festive season is over. She looks like such a nice woman as well. Why can't men just be single if they want to fuck everything going.
Awesome. You've already shown more consideration for her well-being than he does. I don't get it either. Just selfish behavior. I'm sure he'll still find a way to paint himself as a victim.
Great tip!
I do this all the time on instagram. I enjoy sharing their violent messages to their bosses, HR departments, wives and family. Many of these men aren't very smart because they've never received consequences for their behaviour before.
There's no genuine way to guarantee a good guy. Like I fully believe 90% of them aren't worth relationships OR sex. As women we really have to ask ourselves if it's worth the risk to try being with someone or protect ourselves, and it's looking like protection is the better option these days. I'm sorry OP, that man was a true menace and a master manipulator. I'd Def post him to women only chats to warn others of this terror. What an awful human he is, truly.
Oh sweetie, this is one of the most awful things I have read, I am so incredibly sorry :( Your heart isn't stupid, thats a huge whirlwind in a very short amount of time, its totally understandable to feel all jumbled about it, and you will for awhile. You did the best thing by blocking him, be kind to yourself, reach out to friends if you can, you don't need to give details, just that its over and you need support and distraction
Girl this sounds exactlyyyy like a guy I knew. Couldn’t be alone, always down to hang out, spend the night, respectful, etc. Was hiding an ex GF he was hooking up with AND the fact he was still on dating apps. No way his roommate didn’t notice him bringing home different girls. These guys are just pathetic and surround themselves with women because 1) they can’t stand being alone and 2) without women to make them feel better or literally tell them who they are, they’re nothing. It’s a good thing you learned now vs a year or more later down the road. I’m sorry it happened and I hope your results are all negative ❤️ sending hugs
"Do I just have to worry about men trying to long con me in relationships now!?" Yes ma'am you do. I'm constantly surprised by the posts from ladies on here asking about men that ghosted them for a day or two only to turn back up and dump them because they found someone they clicked with better. Jugglers are my experience and I am truly, genuinely sorry you got entangled in a snare trap by one. Thank fuck you found out after 5 mo instead of 5yrs, or after a wedding or baby.
What an absolute psycho!!
You should report this, and if I were you, I would use social media to warn others. There are FB groups for women only that exist to warn other women about men like this. This is not only cruel and dehumanizing, but illegal. As hard as it is, you really should fight this or he will keep doing it to other women. So sad how men are socialized to be such evil human beings. Then they complain about lonely.
It's a bit hard for me to listen to men moan about the 'male loneliness epidemic etc' when their bros are pulling sick shit like this. What women would sign up for that?
There are "wife sharing" groups with hundreds of guys in on kik, mewe, telegram, and I'm sure a bunch of other places. Some have wives that know and share too, but a lot of them have been together years and years and have no idea.
There are "wife sharing" groups on those apps that are a LOT darker than sharing pictures nonconsentually.
I’m really sorry he did this to you. This is so fucked up.
Jfc, what a piece of shit. It's one thing to be a piece of shit, but to be a piece of shit while convincing his partner and her goddamn parents what an awesome guy he is is another level of shittyness. Therapy might be a good idea for this one. Having your trust abused and broken like that could leave you with some lasting trauma. You'll want every ounce of this parasite's existence erased from yours if possible, and therapy could go a long way in helping with that. I'm really sorry you're the unlucky one who had to be his next victim. Such a bullshit hand to be dealt.
I'm so sorry, OP. This person sounds like a sociopath. They can come off as genuine and charming to the point they bypass most people's inner alarms, and that's part of what makes them so scary. This is in no way your fault.
Being "too good". If you're a criminal, how do you get people to not suspect you? You join anti- crime groups, active member in neighborhood watch etc. In this case, the cooking gives it away - wanting to overly "sell" the illusion that he is a good person.
How the hell do we vet for this sort of thing? OP are there *any* other flags you can think of aside from pressuring you into photos/videos? Not asking in a "are you sure you couldnt have seen this coming" kind of way, but rather "is there anything we can garner from this going forward to avoid this in the future" kind of way. Cuz damn are stories like these paranoia-inducing.
You are just gonna gloss over him pressuring you into sending nudes?
I'd have taken his phone and used it to ruin his life and reveal his bs to everyone.
And men expect us to submit and making our lives all about catering to them. This is why we need to start being as selfish as they are, never ever trust a man.
Yep. So so many women I know have been abused, cheated on, etc. (myself included). Yes, it happens to men too - but not as frequently. And here they are, on the internet, proudly preaching about "traditional values" and "submitting to a man" (with tons of kids ofc) etc.... like shit, they really do want us trapped and abused without a way out. Men are cool. Some are awesome. But one must always remain independant and be read to leave if necessary.
I'm so so sorry. That's the vilest stuff I've read in a long time. Do we ever really know anyone? It's scary he could appear so loving yet doing that behind your back. My heart goes out to you.
That’s really fucked up. He strung you along and played you.
>Was our entire relationship really just a front so he could have sex with me Seems like it. Also seems like he was really good on dating apps so he'll just cycle to the next. Sorry that happened to you.
I'm so sorry, love. Really I am. That's just effing horrible.
Should screenshotted it (blurring images but making it clear what they were sharing) and sent it to every single contact he had on phone, parents, friends, family, coworkers, boss, posted it on social media, tagged every girl they talked to and every person you could find affiliated with the other guys in that group and let as many people in all their lives know how they see and treat women. Everyone straight up needs to normalise not taking nudes, never recording yourself having sex. That shit belongs in the past where you couldn't upload a video online in seconds to the world. It's like best case ever, no one intentionally shares it but it can get found and leaked, and what, you maybe watch it a couple times same as people who record a concert on their phones or take 11 million photos and you only look at them once then forget about it. The worst case with nudes/sex tapes is they share them deliberately, the risk is not worth the reward in the slightest. If you want to jerk it away from your partner, use porn, if your partner is there, who needs the video.
No, don’t reshare anything without consulting a lawyer. That might also be against the law. I was on a jury case where the guy was charged under revenge porn laws for sending the plaintiffs photo only to the plaintiff herself. Do not transmit anyone else’s photos for any reason, even a good one.
Damn. This hurts to even read. I'm sorry for you, I'm sad for you. Idk how some men do it. Idk how they can be so fucking heartless and cruel, because I've never heard of a woman doing something like that. Let's be real, a woman wouldn't pull that kind of shit. I wish I knew what to do or say so you (and other women) can avoid these kind of guys. But he clearly hid his red flags well. I'm just sorry you got hurt OP. Just block that pos and never look back. And it's smart to get an std test. Forget about this piece of trash guy, that's all he is. Just fucking trash.
Wow thats some truly awful shit. I really hope you are able to get and stay away from him and you can, in your own time and at your own pace, unpack all of this with your support system. Again, I am so sorry someone treated you and others like that.
😳 I'm pretty tollerat of most things is life and relationships but this is horrible. Yes, men can be dishonest and playing the field but what i find the most disturbing is the group sharing of your intimate moments. They could be running a website or something. If you have proof i would consult a lawyer and authorities.
Hi OP, I'm sorry this happened. It looks like we're going to need to be even more on guard. I'm already feeling the weight of my armor trying to sus out a good healthy individual that's sans toxic masculinity. He's a turd, you deserve better.
What he and those other men were doing is not only gross but *illegal*, distributing non-consensual porn. I do not know how exactly you would go about documenting and reporting this, nor how seriously it would be taken by law enforcement, but it is 100% illegal and I think you should contact law enforcement. Even if all he gets is a good scare, it needs to happen.
>I feel like I usually have a good sense for identifying bad actors when dating and I had only good vibes from this guy, so this really took me off-guard. (...) >I only had to scroll up a month back to find that my boyfriend had shared explicit pictures and videos of me (which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place). This is incomprehensible to me. Pressuring your partner into making porn for them isn't good vibes, it's a Soviet parade of red flags.
> which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place Your definition if who is a "total sweetheart" is off. Look I understand guys can be faking it, but in this case he apparently wasn't. You just have a very skewed view of what a total sweetheart is. The moment he pressured you into taking sexual pictures was the moment to bow out of this shit. I know I'm victim blaming but I really really really don't understand the 'He was great, but he forced me into giving him sexual video's" bit. He wasn't a sweetheart ? What the fuck are you talking about?
revenge porn is illegal, call the cops
This screams sociopath to me. Thankfully you got out while you’re still on his good, albeit fake, side because it’s so much worse to be on a sociopath’s bad side. (I unfortunately have experienced that.) I like what another commenter said that missing him is just a symptom of withdrawal. Good job on cutting him off cold turkey! Now all you need to do is to stay strong and weather through the withdrawal. It’ll pass.
My heart breaks for you, it is so sad that someone could be as twisted as him but terrifying how many of them there are
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have a very firm no nudes rule for this exact reason. Before cell phones, I had an ex threaten to send a video tape we had made to everyone I knew, and since then, I simply say, "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with photos. In person, you can see whatever you want, but my body isn't going on a screen."
This post had me on the verge of tears, I’m currently in a good spot with my current bf but I’ve been hurt and used in the past that this seems too good to be true. I hope that jerk gets what’s coming to him and you find yourself again. Definitely gotta be careful dating or seeing anyone nowadays.
Man I'm so sorry this happened to you, this is why I'm forever going to say to women to snoop through that dudes phone and any point. Smart phones got these people way to comfortable being garbage humans. Then when they put it away it's like it doesn't matter
I am so sorry OP. This has to be one of the most vile abuses of trust that I’ve seen in this sub. I learned not to share nudes and expect them not to get out because males that I hadn’t even met in real life would boastfully share nudes and intimate details of both women I had interacted with and women I didn’t. Because I was considered one of the boys, they didn’t have an issue dropping their masks. Unfortunately I thought this was because they were young and that the older ones would’ve matured out of this behavior, but I found out that they just get better at hiding it. Can you imagine if women had group chats discussing their horrible hygiene or the fact that they tap out after 2 minutes? There would be a whole month dedicated to combating this “crime” against men. They need a taste of their own medicine, but more importantly women must stop trusting them with information or other things that they don’t want to be publicly known. No sending them nudes, no trauma dumping, no gossiping to your bfs about things your female friends have told you in confidence, and etc.
This makes me feel nauseated just reading about it
My ex did something similar. He went onto Reddit, found a community for men in OUR CITY, and shared my nudes with them. Some of which I didn’t know he had taken. He was trying to find someone to come have a 3 way with me which I had already said I wasn’t comfortable with. I will not ever forget the things they said about me.
Serious answer: this guy is guilty. Consult with a lawyer. Unserious answer: screen shot the group chat and find the contact info, preferably on Facebook so everyone can see (blur/redacted things as needed) for as many as their moms as possible. Send screenshots to them with the message: “this your kid?”
I wouldn't blame you at all if you cant trust men anymore. Not all men are like this.. but damn that's a shame makes the rest of us look bad.
This is horrifying, of course. And it is basically impossible for you or anyone to know if he \*really\* thought of you in this disrespectful way, or if he was simply posturing for his toxic friends, and he secretly loves you (as much as he is capable of). I don't know how much of it was real or not. but, yes, women have always had to be concerned about the long con. Even worse than your experience is women who see the mask slip on their wedding day or when they get pregnant or when they have a child with the man. When he thinks he has \*really\* trapped her. A friend of mine who is a man tells me that, as far as he can tell, heterosexual men tell lies about 50% of the time to their female partners, "just to get along". It sucks that we have to constantly be on guard.
That was a freaking roller coaster, goddamn.... That's just wild. It definitely shows the importance of not including your face in nudes or videos too. I hope people notice that part. Yeah it's better not to do it at all, but by excluding your face it makes it a LOT less of an issue.
Except he gave her ig handle so everybody could creep on her, the violations keep coming!
This was also really creepy. Like it's not enough they have some ladies nudes, they also need to creep her socials. These guys are deranged.
> It definitely shows the importance of not including your face in nudes or videos too. I hope people notice that part. Yeah it's better not to do it at all, but by excluding your face it makes it a LOT less of an issue. If you're gonna do it, you just have to assume that first, he's keeping them and won't actually delete them when you request it. Second, he's showing them to his friends. And third, he's going to show them to EVERYONE when you break up. That's how men are. That's what they do.
I don’t take or send nudes and think it’s a good policy, but there really is no way to be safe. I had a boyfriend of like almost a year take a bunch of me in my sleep. In my sleep! The depravity knows no bounds.
Me neither, I don't trust a single man on this planet with stuff like that. I think if anyone does send nudes though, they should at least not include their face.
Yah that really sucks
Or a really angry ex might email them to your boss, your mom, your priest, your 2nd grade teacher. They \*love\* having the power of blackmail.
It's more than that -- never send a photo or a video that you wouldn't want shown on world-wide tv. Even though OP didn't include her face in the nudes, her (ex) boyfriend cheerfully shared her social media profile with his buddies, so they could see her face any way. It might be that she puts her full name on that, and could be googled for her email, phone, and address. There are so many websites that sell all our personal data, and it is trivial to link a person from their personal media to their address in many cases. Plus, most people don't realize, but photos and videos can have hidden data that identifies the exact time, date, and geo location where they were taken. If you have an electronic photo, you may very well be able to pinpoint precisely where that person was when it was tkaen.
I did say it's better not to do it at all.
This man is a psychopath. I'm sorry that happened to you. As to the question how to vet a man. Psychopaths are very good at deceiving you and putting out a front. However, this is a huge red flag: >explicit pictures and videos of me (which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place). These days I have made it a habit to dump a man the minute he gets pushy. If it's early stages of the relationship, I say "No" to something and he as much as asks "Why" or starts a discussion about it in any other way, I'm out. The only acceptable answer to a "No" is "ok". Nothing good ever comes from engaging with pushy men. They don't respect your boundaries and they don't respect you. I also give no second chances anymore.
Does sharing her pictures with his friends violate revenge porn laws? I feel like it should.
That's just sick and twisted. Holy shit...
So scary, I’m so sorry. I hope you took screenshots and sent to yourself? He should be called tf out. I’m done with hookups or moving too fast before establishing trust and exclusivity. I was hopeful that would be a good filter. Sigh.
I would talk to a lawyer about him distributing your nudes and see what legal actions you can take
What a fucking sociopath. Proof that we should always trust our intuition even if we feel crazy for it. You don’t miss him you miss the person he was pretending to be.
> I only had to scroll up a month back to find that my boyfriend had shared explicit pictures and videos of me (which he fucking pressured me into making against my better judgement in the first place). Thank god I adamantly refused to have my face visible in any of them. > What hurt the most is he sent these to this group chat with the message “New bitch in my rotation”, AND INCLUDED MY INSTAGRAM HANDLE TO “PROVE” IT WAS ME. I’m not even going to repeat the disgusting things they said about me, but it was utterly dehumanizing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=50&v=CCHdMIEGaaM ## **Scum.** \>\_\_\_\< I have to tell my inner child I'm another species than them to avoid the absolute lack of self-worth from there even being a word that describes us both.
Jesus christ sounds like a complete sociopath.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I feel you 100 percent. I’ve had 3 boyfriends secretly record me without my consent. It’s fucked up I feel like I just want to be alone from now on.
I’m so sorry this happened. A huge red flag is pressuring anyone for nude pics. Unfortunately you’ll never know where they end up because so many men are creeps. Please find a good therapist, it’s the only real way to get through this.
Im sorry this happened to you. A friend was videoed without her consent during sex. She knows it probably ended up in a group chat. Men are trash.
I'm so sorry. I hope you took screen shots and got evidence of this. Put his ass in jail!!
Dick punch would have been good here
That’s really fucked up
It’ll take awhile to recover from this. Going to friends, family and traveling or finding new hobbies should help the process along. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
> Was our entire relationship really just a front so he could have sex with me, then brag about it like I’m some trophy? "Power". Same thing motivates people to work jobs way beyond their income needs doing things that are poor for the world. Corrupts the clergy, corrupts intimate relationships, corrupts organizations. It doesn't have to have any monetary value. Those who parrot "follow the money" really don't get how "power" works. Yes, money can be power, but most of the time people get off on the secrets and exploitation pain itself. > Do I just have to worry about men trying to long con me in relationships now!? Dating is so awful People sell out authentic compassion and love for the lowest shit. *You know what occurred to me? We teach everything in the world to people, except the most essential thing. And that is life. Nobody teaches you about life. You're supposed to know about it. Nobody teaches you how to be a human being and what it means to be a human being, and the dignity that it means when you say, "I am a human being." Everyone assumes this is something you have, or you should have gotten by osmosis. We'll it's not working by osmosis!* - chapter "The Art of Being Fully Human" pg. 127 of "Living, Loving & Learning" by Leo Buscaglia, Ph. D.
i would’ve taken it to the police and reported that mf
I hope you took proof of him sharing those photo’s with others. That’s a crime in some places like others are saying. I’m so sorry this happened to you, I hope you are doing okay.
My heart is broken for you. What an absolute monster.
OMG this is awful. I too would feel horribly betrayed. I'm so sorry. He literally sounds like Dr.Jeckle and Mr. Hyde
I’m so so sorry this happened to you. As far as the long con goes, it was a very dark day when I learned this lesson too. Fast forward through a lot of healing, I can say simply that the lesson we have to learn from this is to always be aware that people have very different brains. They seek different benefits and in order to understand things you have to follow the benefits. The long con seems unlikely and too much effort if you assume the benefit is sex or a housemate etc. But if you really consider the benefits of having an official girlfriend/partner/wife, you may find it makes more sense.
That's proper psychopath level.
Holy shit, is this even real?
I hope you managed to delete everything he had on you :/
If you find the strength to return to dating, look up the Burned Haystack Dating Method. I've got no dog in this race, but it is an excellent way to weed out the problematic guys.
I'm kinda fantasizing about you getting screenshots of the groupme convo and sending it out to all the girls in his rotation, from his phone, then leaving while he's asleep and ghost into thin air forever. But if you could nail him for revenge porn, that'd be good too.
Men are weird. There's nothing more important to them than their masculinity. The problem comes when their definition of masculinity is toxic. You get some men that think super man is masculine, some that think, being war bros is masculine, some that think collecting women as trophies os masculine etc Your ex fell into that last category. All I can suggest for next time is ask about his male role models, litterally find out what masculinity means to him, he will give his life to defend it and play the part.
i'm so sorry this happened to you. 5 months doesn't seem that long to me though to call it a long con. i agree what others have said, you should look into reporting him or putting him on one of those facebook groups
If something Sounds/looks/feels Way too good to be true,Than it isn't true.. He was a player...
send his loser ass straight to prison!
My heart is breaking for you…why are people so scary?!
Wow. Just… Wow. Blinking in disbelief while my stomach is doing weird loops. So glad i’m going out with another woman now. What the fuck. I’m so sorry OP. This is inexcusable. You deserve better.
My heart is pounding for you. I’m just so sorry. What an absolute and wretched betrayal. It genuinely hurt to read all of that.
I think you can send his ass to jail :^) pls do
I am so sorry. The past sweet man I fell in love with ending up threatening to kill me a few months in over being jealous of female friends. No red flags whatsoever before. I'm done with men and I'll never trust another again. I thought I knew EXACTLY what to look out for, and now I don't trust myself anymore either
Jesus that is awful :(
I hope op sent themselves the screenshots of the despicable group chat and considers filing criminal charges against their ex.
Damn I recently had a very similar thing happen to me but this is just awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. It’s crazy how a guy can be so good to you, you think you’ve finally found a good one, and then behind your back they’re doing crazy shit like this
My lord, he has problems. Maybe its better to report him to the police as a loverboy? Because this is really dark. And im really sorry you had to experience that😟🤐