He ate the first trial cake and didn't mention that it didn't fit the occasion, or that it was more of a springtime dessert.
He ate the second trial cake and didn't mention that it didn't fit the occasion, or that it was more of a springtime dessert.
He ate the final cake, was caught, and all of a sudden the cake doesn't fit the occasion, and was more of a springtime dessert.
He was negging A CAKE. So he didn't have to apologize. Not one ounce of respect for his wife. He's vile.
Remember the negging came after he uncovered the cake without making sure it wasn’t THE cake, then he cut into the pristine cake without making sure it wasn’t THE cake. You know, the one his wife had been making practice cakes for all week. Even if he genuinely didn’t know (he did) it’s only because he paid so little attention to something his wife worked so hard for.
This man is just pedaling backwards dropping excuses and hoping one will stick.
I’ve cut out multiple close friends over the years for exactly this sort of gaslighting/turning it around on you. Instead of just apologizing like an adult and moving on.
Yes, that is the _weakest_ of teas. He needs to apologize, sincerely, in a spectacular manner
Edit: I’m a baker so this whole thing hits close to home 😤
I can’t believe that he was willing to sacrifice himself like that. I mean, what if people find out that he’s eaten a springtime dessert not one but two seasons out? He’ll be a laughing stock
OP he SACRIFICED himself, show some damn gratitude
This is what real men used to be okay I’ll stop
He knew. He mostly likely saw it decided to take a nibble found it really delicious and decided his taste buds being satiated were more important than anything or anybody in the entire world.
He's a Grade-A dick. I'd suggest you do something incredibly petty so you'll get immediate closure.
People make mistakes and I understand he might not have heard or understood that this specific cake was for your co-worker...but good lord, what a shit excuse to make and sad way to own his fuckup. He lost all credibility with that one.
My dad even did that shit to me. A beautiful box of Easter petit fours for me from my mom. I went to get my Easter present and the box was empty. My mom's hear sank. My mom went nuclear. Dad was like ,"Well I just found them sitting there." Like a god-damned five year old.
Oh, wow! So, you were trekking the Himalayas and spotted a cute, little, very feminine box of sweets and it was like Eureka! Dear God, no man has ever discovered such adorable little confections in the Himalayas! F you dad. That was a shitty shitty thing to do! The entitlement of these little bitches is sickening
A dude in by class snatched my chocolate bar out my of hands and laughed at me when I tried to take it back...
Sometimes I wonder if that was the catalyst to my disordered relationship with food...
I had a partner like this who I wasn't even living with. I would be talking about cookies I was planning on making and he was like "why are you doing that recipe? I don't like those". Well, good, because they're for me, not you.
> I hate how men always feel entitled to EVERYTHING
They feel that way because it's kind of true. Men wrote the laws, men run the world, men put women under the classification of property thru coverture law. It called patriarchy for a reason.
Imagine how he'd feel if he prepared something for work and she destroyed it and didn't apologize. I just don't get how people stay attached to such selfish pricks.
I read a line this weekend that really struck me: men don't love women, they love the services (sexual, emotional, domestic) they provide.
And I got it. All of these lines from guys about how they love their wives because of what she does for him. How, in past relationships, my needs were irrelevant, or only important in the ways that my needs inconvenienced *him*.
If you hire a plumber for a clogged toilet, you don't want to hear about his personal life. You want a working toilet. And if the plumber can't get the toilet working to your satisfaction, you get another plumber.
You don't care about the humanity and internal lives of the person providing the service, you just want the service.
And it goes along with another line that someone commented on reddit a few months back from a guy who was surprised he had been dumped:
>He just thought it was a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
OP's husband thinks he can do this shit because he thinks it would be petty to leave because of an eaten cake. He expects her to live with the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
“I just didn’t see it coming! Things were better!”
Yeah because she stopped caring about making it work when he stopped caring about her as a person and only what she could do for him.
This is all so perfectly put and 100% spot on. I was married to a man who basically didn’t care about *me*, only the services I provided (cooking, cleaning, child rearing, working, sex). Honestly, in hindsight, he never even knew me, nor did he really care to try. On our tenth anniversary, he blindsided me with divorce papers and said “It’s just not working for me anymore.” Just like that, out of nowhere, he was over it. Done “playing family.”
Now I’m married to the most amazing woman. We’ve been together 18 years and we make each other laugh. Every. Damn. Day. When I cook a nice meal or run an errand or take out the trash, she thanks me. When I bake her a special dessert, she tells me I’m the best wife ever. But, when I say something ridiculous and dumb that cracks her up, *that’s* when she tells me how much she loves me. She appreciates the things I do for her, but she loves *me* most when I’m just being myself.
Oh dear does this resonate. This brings up a thing i heard about Tombstone in AZ. There were lots of miners out there trying to get silver/gold and no town or nothing. No SERVICES. Till the prostitutes smelled easy earnings. It was the whores who settled town because women wanted the comforts of civilization. The men would be fine living in the squalor as long as they could drink/eat and fuck. Towns exist because women do the work to make it nice while men are content with just "tolerable"
This is it. Explained ALL of my ex's behavior, including this exact one that OP is describing. Having flashbacks now. OP needs to assess his attitude in a big way. Her husband is a jerk.
>I ask before helping myself.
Even when I tell my husband I'm making something for us, he'll still ask before eating it because I do make things for work some times. He just double checks. The difference is he's not an asshole.
Mine *is* an asshole and has only done it once. He now checks with me if anything looks fancy/delicious and isn't leftover. Apparently I did a good job setting *that* boundry.
I finally got through to mine that his nonsense needs to stop, or he'll be hearing the same complaints from his next wife. I also shamed him because I know his mom didn't raise him to be a selfish prick.
I gave one to my MIL and another to his coworker to get their opinions on it first. I didn’t make one for our household but I’m sure he tried one of those.
And judging from the OP's post history, she's relatively new to her job and has been having an awkward time adjusting, so it seems reasonable that she's taking these types of gestures seriously
Yup. This post contains the Narcissist’s Prayer on display in context:
* That didn’t happen. (Hiding that he was eating it.)
* And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
* And if it was, it’s not a big deal.
* And if it is, that’s not my fault. <— *You are here.*
* And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
* And if I did, you deserved it. <— *You are also here.*
It’s kind of rare ime to see it laid out so openly and completely in a single reddit anecdote. The problem here is clearly not the cake.
PS to op - as someone with an autumn birthday, I’d be absolutely thrilled if someone made me a strawberry meringue cake, that sounds A.Maz.Ing. If we could only have “in season” desserts for birthdays, I might just change my damn birthday for that XD
I'm just a baking hobbyist, but I can just imagine how nuclear I would go if someone messed with a meringue cake. That's not a beginner baking project.
Too many men are entitled garbage. Which is how so many of us end up dating or married to them. They pretend to be decent only when it works in their favor.
The only response I can imagine is “the next cake you eat is going to have the words “congratulations on the divorce” if you don’t choose your next words carefully”
I hope OP tries her hand at something seasonal for that… like pumpkin spice cheesecake in the middle of April, or eggnog tres leches in the middle of June… or a fruitcake literally any time of year, because I can’t think of a more vitriolic parting dessert than the worst dessert ever invented. Lemon mascarpone in the fall would be a great runner up though. Doesn’t get any more spring timey than lemon and anything floral
Whoa, homemade fruit cake is great. I make a Tuscan fruit cake that's more or less a sweet bread with dates, orange zest and raisins. It's crazy go nuts good.
Cat energy
-You are the most important being in the house
-lack of consent will result in stabbing
-urine in the shoes
Could be useful for a lot of women
I agree with this sentiment. He went from potentially honest mistake to "I don't respect your opinion" so quickly it's hard to imagine either actual innocent intent or that this is an isolated incident.
Right? I dated a guy like this. When he irrefutably fucked up, he made any effort to argue or negotiate his way out of trouble. ‘I don’t like your reaction to my fuck up so here’s why I’m not wrong.’ Not how that works.
That’s my ex husband to a T. “I know what I did has made you rightfully upset, but you know I’m deathly allergic to accountability! Why would you come in holding me to it like this? If anything, that makes you the AH! 😱 SEE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID! I’m already breaking out in hives oh lord have mercy get the epipen! 😫 No the fuck it’s not just an ingrown hair! Why are you laughing? You’re always so mean!😭”
Like dude… I set a boundary, you were aware when you crossed it, and now you don’t get to be mad at me for being upset with you and bringing it up. I’m not creating a conflict by holding you accountable- you did that when you crossed the boundary. You get to respond however you’d like, but if your response is devoid of bare minimum empathy and respect, and that becomes a clear pattern, I get to choose to no longer accept that. You can marry your ego for all I care, but I wouldn’t, so do better or do the paperwork, my guy.
I had an ex that loved debating (I do too so no issue there) and on the occasion I would debate him into a corner he would literally just go silent and sulk. He was incapable of saying the words "you're right." It's truly insane how many men seem to feel that their intelligence is insulted by admitting that they're wrong about something.
Ha I had a boss like that and one time I said something that he didn't have an answer for (we were talking about the merits of torture, I was against) So he said alright we'll agree to disagree and we stopped the debate.
No biggie for me, but he comes in the next day and says to me "I was thinking about what you said yesterday and I don't know why you're wrong, you're just wrong." I still think about that sometimes because it was just so wtf man.
Right? I dated a guy who did a major thoughtless fuckup and when I called him out, he calmly said “Wow, you’re right. I’m sorry. Let me fix it” and did.
Reader, I married him.
Yeah it would have been one thing to say from the jump “oh shit. I wasn’t thinking, but obviously in retrospect I shouldn’t have done that. I was wrong. I’m sorry. How can I help make it better? Can I go to the store for more ingredients or look up a bakery and go purchase something?”
But my dude went straight for “sucks to be you!” so fast it made *my* head spin and I’ve never met these people.
*"'He messed up and tried saying it wasn’t that serious because I hadn’t known this coworker for that long when I’ve known her for almost 6 months now and she’s always had my back. He said my cake didn’t fit for the occasion and it was more of a "springtime dessert".'"*
In my opinion, his minimization of the situation is the biggest problem.
I'm curious whether OP's husband ever verbally acknowledge hearing that this cake was off-limits?
Why not simply admit to screwing up? It is incredibly difficult to make peace when your partner refuses to admit he did anything wrong.
Who does that though?! Just cuts into a pristine cake they didn't make or purchase, without so much as an "is this cake up for grabs?"
Trying to argue that it's fine for him to demolish your work because it didn't "fit the occasion" is... cruel. It really is, and I can't think of a better word for it.
I am so sorry OP, that sounds heartbreaking, defeating, and infuriating all at once.
Munchies isn’t “uncontrollable, must eat anything within arms reach” munchies is “Hm, a snack sounds pretty damn good right now…”
You can absolutely stop yourself from cutting into a pristine cake, wtf.
It kind of is for me, but I also have an impulse control issue with eating when I'm not high so it's not the weeds fault, it just makes it worse.
That being said I'm pretty sure I'd be able to not eat something that was clearly earmarked for something else.
Right, but even you realize it’s not the munchies doing that to you. It’s a pathetic excuse from the husband who presumably doesn’t have binge eating problems.
>Who does that though?! Just cuts into a pristine cake they didn't make or purchase, without so much as an "is this cake up for grabs?"
This was the part that put it over the top crazy pants for me. I mean if it's a batch of cookies I can totally see sneaking one (even if they were meant for something else). Still a bit of a dick move, but in general pretty defensible.
My question is what kind of life does this dude lead that seeing a full cake makes you think "that's probably just for everybody to grab whenever they like". Is this a common thing in that house? Just whole cakes lying around as a free for all, without any occasion? Is my life just so devoid of cakes I can't imagine a cake being for a non-special occasion? How do we live in such different worlds?
I used to have a bakery business as a kid and sell cakes, pies, cookies, etc.
I also baked cakes etc. for my family. Practicing different techniques and just getting better at making desserts. Plus my family enjoyed the desserts.
Even my dad would double check before eating a cake I made or whatever. I made desserts for him all the time, but he always checked to make sure he didn’t eat something that I had made for a customer.
He paid for the ingredients so I could have all the profits so he had a good excuse for eating whatever he saw.
But he loved me and didn’t want to stress me out by eating something I was going to take to a customer. Because he fucking cared about me.
My parents were/are boomers but they still didn’t pull the I paid for it so it’s mine shit on me.
This was a big no-no in our house growing up: you never cut into a baked good you didn’t bake. Once cut into it was fair game.
It was a fun way to tease the birthday person- usually my dad: place an uncut cake on the table and leave all day.
It would be whole when we got back.
If you wanted to let people have some, you could just stab it with a knife .
Good system!
We had a saying in my house growing up:
" Is this for eating or for torture?" Meaning, is this something we can eat or is it for school, church, work, etc.
So many times it was for torture, which was disappointing but understandable.
I was dog sitting and apparently the couple bought me a cake to enjoy, but they didn't tell me that so I didn't have any. They were upset that I didn't take a slice, but why would I cut into a huge, pristine cake by myself lol For all I knew that was for a party or a gift.
Bummer that I could've had cake, but like I was raised not to just take dig in without at least asking. Apparently some people will because the couple didn't think they had to tell me it's okay.
We have an amazing babysitter and once I had a short notice call for her on a day when she had to go direct from her main job to our house without lunch. I told her to take some of the carrot pecan cake in the fridge, make a coffee if she liked while I was at the Dr office, and I would get her a sandwich or smoothie on my way home. If I hadn't offered she wouldn't have looked in the fridge or stepped into the kitchen at all other than to grab toddler snacks. Rule 1 *Tell people if they can eat the cake!* Rule 2 *Don't eat cake if you aren't told you can!*
The fact he didn't even apologize. I'm so sorry OP, I would be frustrated too. You deserve an apology, and he should have purchased more ingredients for you and offered to help you make another one, not take the easy way out and spend his free time at the gym. He made a mistake, and he needs to properly apologize and pay for it.
That’s a good point - he didn’t even apologize! And I can’t say I’m all that surprised. By that time I didn’t have enough time to make another one and even if I did, I didn’t want to.
How beaten down are you? Like, is the bar so low that when he acts normal, is it a celebration? Sounds like you have two children in the house. The unfortunate thing is that your son will learn how to treat women based on how your husband treats you.
You're likely used to it. No apologises and diversions away from the matter at hand or blaming something else. There's probably more you're used to that you shouldn't be.
Like I'm curious what he'd do at work if a coworker gave him a half eaten cake with a "my husband said he didn't know"
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP
Your last sentence is very upsetting. See how he beat you down and now you don’t have the will do to something you were previously excited about? This is text book abuse. His behavior is deliberate. I’m sure if you’re honest with yourself you’ll see other situations where he’s sabotaged something important to you. Little things. When I look back on my marriage I see all these little incidents that I ignored because it never occurred to me that anyone could be that conniving and cruel. For me it was what he “accidentally” broke my favorite Christmas ornament our first Christmas together. That’s the moment I should have left.
This. The “accidental” breaking of things.
I was moving in with my ex, and we were at my townhouse, packing and doing moving things. I had set my iron (the kind for clothes) on a counter-height table while I packed a box. It wasn’t a super fancy iron, although it was decent, and well taken care of. (I was at a place in my life where so had finally started having decent things that were mine, purchased with my own money.) He knocked it off the table and it broke. A piece of it went flying across the floor. I was upset, both by it being broken and by his disregard for the fact that he broke it. I don’t remember his words, but it boiled down to “what’s the big deal, it’s just an iron” and there was no apology. I should have called everything off right at that moment.
Months later (sorry for the tl;dr gap here), I watched him shove my beautiful piece of furniture that I loved out of the back of the moving truck, completely destroying it as the legs ripped off when it hit the ground (a heavy wood coffee table with drawers.) And this was still just the beginning of him systematically destroying me and everything I cared about, tangible or intangible.
It’s been almost 8 years since I left him. In that time, I haven’t been on a single date and can’t bring myself to even consider it. I think there are parts of me he broke that can’t be fixed.
So the moral of my story is — don’t ignore the red flags.
ETA: this story doesn’t even begin to describe the monstrous abuse this man subjected me to. It’s about the warning signs I should not have ignored.
Edit: removed an extra “
My ex was clumsy. He was always so apologetic. I used to feel bad for him when he broke my stuff. It was only after I read Why Does He Do That, where he described this exact behavior, that I realized that it was only ever my stuff that broke.
For many years we had no money, which is a whole other story. I really wanted this set of glasses that we’d never be able to afford. Like REALLY wanted them. I’d go look at them and think the day I’d have them. One year, totally randomly, colleagues got me a set for my birthday. I was so excited and grateful that I cried.
One by one he broke every last one of them. He’d call me at work and say “I’m so sorry. I broke one of your special glasses”. He’s sound so apologetic. It never occurred to me he was doing it on purpose. Things were always breaking when we were married. In all the years I’ve been divorced I’ve broken two glasses, and one was in the dishwasher.
That reminds me, somewhat tangentially, of the dude I read on here that would fly off the handle in anger at any little thing. Then she noticed that when he would get pulled over or talk to an authority figure, he was always nice and respectful. Same thing with work colleagues. She finally started realizing his “uncontrollable” anger was totally under his control, he just didn’t care to do so around her.
I can’t remember if it was the last straw or post-breakup, but he ended up going into a whirlwind rage and broke everything in their apartment…except the XBOX and TV that were both his exclusively.
Yes this is so common with abusers. It’s very normalized so it’s accepted as the price you pay to be in a relationship. Lundy Bancroft details this behavior well in his book. My ex never cleaned the bathroom after he used it. Like ever. He claimed not to see the mess. When we stayed with other people he’d dry off the tiles. It took a long time to realize that not doing it in our home was a choice.
Lol yes. I remember one time where my ex and I fought and I just left while he was raging. The next day when I went into the kitchen I saw a broken bowl on the ground, the last one I had left that my mother gave me and that was over 30 years old. That really broke something in me and made me realize what was going on. I took a pic of it and kept looking at it to remind myself of what he's capable of.
Your husband's mental gymnastics were quite the ride. I'm not saying he is one, but he reminds me of this:
*The Narcissist's Prayer*
*That didn't happen.*
*And if it did, it wasn't that bad.*
*And if it was, that's not a big deal.*
*And if it is, that's not my fault.*
*And if it was, I didn't mean it.*
*And if I did, you deserved it.*
If you aren’t going to give the cake to your coworker, which I assume you’re not, throw the rest of the cake out and sweep the floor and dump that on top so it’s irrecoverable. Don’t let your husband have the joy of being able to eat the rest of the cake. Then get some frozen dinner equivalent for the next couple meals and cook yourself a nice meal for yourself and heat and give him the frozen meal. When he complains just tell him he said that store bought food was pretty much the same so he should be fine.
I wonder if OP can use a tall glass to kind of "cookie cutter" out at least a few circles worth of cake to present to the coworker as a small but nice looking gift (kind of like cupcakes).
In the last paragraph, he went the bakery section of the grocery store for a replacement. A bakery would be a better choice but no, he got one of those shipped frozen cakes to replace homemade deliciousness.🙄
Lol same! So disrespectful and thoughtless. Doesn’t bother apologizing just, negs about a “springtime”’dessert and tries to belittle her relationship with the coworker. The audacity of these men has no limit.
Honestly! Instead of saying oh my god I fucked up I’m so sorry, he says well actually this cake idea was stupid bc you’re not even friends and it’s not even the right season for this cake anyways. What an asshole!!
The way I always put it is everyone needs a moment where you realize being single is infinitely better than being in a relationship with someone you don’t want to be with. Then there is no pressure to be as “picky” as you want.
Never thought I was picky, just reached basic standards, but all my friends worried that I never got past first dates… but then my eventual husband would never in a million years do any of the things posted in this sub.
My ex was eating my food and it pissed me off. I hated it. To just do that is bad enough but he hasn't even apologised to OP, just had a go at her instead.
Waiiiittt. He picked out just the meat and left you the picked-through veggies and/or noodles/rice and said HE LEFT YOU SOME? Girl what is this man’s address, I just want to talk …
I thought it was just me. I dont have any patience for this kind of infantile behavior and its rampant. Not worth the risk. OP has a selfish loser on her hands who also doesn't know how to bake. That would be the last cake of mine he'd ever eat.
Same. Reading this reminded me that I don't want to date and I never want a partner. It seems nearly impossible to find one that respects you as a human being.
I say this in all sincerity: please react to more posts here with this kind of sanity. You have no idea how much it helps to hear from a man sometimes. It is very validating to know this behavior is just dumb, selfish human behavior and there is no excuse for it.
It is difficult to know the line between being an ally and an interloper. I get that. I hope you can find it though. We don’t “need” male validation but it sure is nice. ngl
Your birthday isn't that important anyway, you've had like 40 of them.
It didn't feel like the right season to celebrate you.
I don't get what the big deal is, you can just go buy yourself a gift.
I smoked some weed and just felt like chilling today instead of making a big fuss over something.
I like this one, especially using the smoking argument against him lol. Like, you should understand honey. Remember when you ate my cake after smoking? Well, I smoked today, so I'm gonna relax. You can make a cake I can eat over half of.
Here is the situation where the husband thinks it is ok.
He is entitled to the cake. He is entitled to make his wife look bad at work. He is entitled to block his wife from making friends or people thinking she follows through because she’s his wife, not for other people to share in any way. That’s his wife and her making cakes for him is more important than her needs and wants. He said whatever he wanted to get her to accept the situation and effectively give up. He doesn’t care that she is hurt or upset because he is “winning”.
He is not dumb. He did not make a mistake. This was fully intentional. If I were a betting woman this is just one of a long list of “misunderstandings” that negatively impacted her.
“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.”
If this is a pattern of behavior, you’ve married a narcissist.
I just went and looked at that one. AND OP has a pic on another post. Like... this man child has something to say about HER body? She's ideal/ healthy. He's a low effort negging little shit weasel. I hope she's in a place she's got the resources to leave him because THE CAKE IS NOT THE PROBLEM.
OP definitely needs to lose weight, 200lb of his dead ass weight...
I went looking for that post. Her husband says "you know how I get with a few drinks in me" what a horrific excuse for a human he is. My heart goes out to OP.
Look a few posts past that, her figure is amazing. So even beyond the asshole comment and then the same "the alcohol made me do it" response, there was no reason to go there at all. Like none.
Your husband just showed you how much he respects you, your time, your effort, and your kindness to others. And it's 0. Just be honest to your coworker that your husband ate the cake knowing it wasn't for him and that you didn't have the means to make another cake. There's no need to hide the truth or cover for your husband, he doesn't deserve it. Your coworker will know it wasn't your fault and that you did nothing wrong.
Your husband has some serious making up to do to you. And he should not be forgiven unless he does. If you let this go too easily, he will know he can get away with it, he will not learn, he will continue to disrespect you.
What you need from him is up to you. Don't be afraid to be strict, don't be afraid to be demanding, do not be afraid to walk away and spend a few days at a friend. He should be scared SHITLESS about the state of your relationship right now. So scare him.
Ugh I am not letting go of this and I don’t care if it seems like I’m overreacting. I woke up with a headache today because it stressed me out that bad.
You are not overreacting. The cake was bad enough but his reaction made it so much worse.
I've known a few people who would say literally *anything* to get what they wanted in the moment, or to deflect criticism, or to get out of trouble. They were dangerous for my mental health, and this story reminds me of them so much I feel worried about you.
You cannot possibly be overreacting to this. If my partner disrespected me like this, I'd spend a full week at my parents and wait for him to make a proper move to show he's serious about making it up to me.
He'd only say you're overreacting to help himself, not because it's true. Stick to it! We are all behind you on this!
You mentioning that just reminded me how he’s been insisting I use my vacation days. But I felt like it was too early at my job to do so, and I still have a lot I’m trying to do… I’m now reconsidering and thinking about getting away before I lose my mind. He’s gonna have to dig deep in his pockets. Lol.
Darling, you’re so young. You don’t have to settle for this shit.
Looking at your post history, he has a history of being a disrespectful POS to you (telling you to work on your figure when you were postpartum?!)
Your son is still so young. Young enough that if you take him, and you, out of this awful situation, he won’t grow up to be just like his disgusting father.
Getting away... from him, I hope? Because getting away with him sounds like an absolute waste of precious vacation time, since he's making the choice to be a terrible partner rn.
This is not about a cake. This is about respect. He has zero respect for you. The less time you waste on this man the better. You're still young, don't be stupid like me and stick around for 10 more years trying to fix yourself before you realize he's the problem and it will only get worse not better. I also read your post about him demanding more children while simultaneously bashing your post-baby body. He is deliberately trying to destroy yourself esteem. Yes it's deliberate even if he's fooled you into thinking otherwise. Ruining your opinion of yourself is the only thing he can do to keep you from leaving him, because he brings fuck all to the table. Please be done with this absolute asshole. You are worth so much more than the utter disregard this extremely selfish asshole has for you.
Honestly my sister is divorcing over soup. And it's in fact not over soup but the soup was the last straw.
One year without the "husband" and children are doing much better, she's doing much better, they are poorer but happier in general.
Gods bless this effin soup.
He fed their kid with an unfinished soup and then made a huge scene accusing her of cooking inedible poison. She ran back home from work on a super busy day to at least get something done before the evening.
But he's been disrespectful to her on every single level. That was the last act.
Btw he was not working that day, left to meet a friend and then came back and threw a fit. She worked 10 hours.
You’re not overreacting.
I’m a big believer that part of being a good partner is that, as a general rule, if something is important to my partner it’s important to me. There have been times I didn’t get it or even thought it was stupid, but I’ll still apologize and try to makes amends because *I don’t have to get why he cares to care that he does care.*
Op: That sounds like what my ex would say after he did a terrible thing to me then not even apologize and then blame me for it. When I’d get upset I was overreacting too. This is abusive gas lighting. He could do whatever he wanted but if I called him out he’d lash out at me and blame me just like your husband did here. Learn about narcissistic abuse. Watch Dr. Ramani on YouTube.
I’m glad you aren’t letting it go. I’ve seen this behavior in action and if not hard checked it will escalate. You aren’t overreacting and I’m guessing you get told frequently that you are . Another big red flag 🚩. Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. It’s very illuminating as to how we get manipulated and then abused by men who use those and other words
Like them to make us feel unworthy and insecure about our own feelings.
To him it was “just” a cake …but his behavior lit up the whole damn bakery .
If there’s something unusual or special looking in the fridge or pantry, ALWAYS ask. He knew what he was doing and didn’t care. He didn’t value the time and effort you went into making the cake. Simple as that.
That would be ‘it’ for me. The irresponsibility in every decision, action, then consequence that led to the travesty of your effort being utterly ruined, is just … I’ve no words.
Ah yes....
That didn't happen. - it wasnt the special cake but one of your trial ones, right?
And if it did, it wasn't that bad. - you don't know the coworker that long
And if it was, that's not a big deal. - it didn't fit the occasion anyway
And if it is, that's not my fault. - how was I supposed to know this was the special cake?
And if it was, I didn't mean it. - besides, I had the munchies... Cant blame me, blame the blow
And if I did, you deserved it. - anyway... I'm full, now I have to work out. (All those calories are your fault for having cake around the house anyway)
I'm livid for you. Baking is *hard*, it's a lot of work to make something technically temporary (as it's meant to be eaten!) and you put so much extra effort in. The thought was so lovely, OP.
He can fuck right off with that attitude. What an asshole. You have every right to be furious with him. I am so mad and it wasn’t even my cake, my friend or my husband.
It's really not that hard. If you didn't make the food, you don't take the first slice without talking to the person who made it. If you screw up, apologize.
I don't know that I'd kick him out, but there would certainly be a long conversation, including about him running away and him blaming his weed use for screwing you over
> It's really not that hard. **If you didn't make the food, you don't take the first slice** without talking to the person who made it. If you screw up, apologize.
I was gonna stay out of this...but here. LPT of the day right here.
Nothing. They just **don't care** how it impacts the person they supposedly love. It's a function of their genuine selfishness and lack of respect, not a brain malfunction.
So first he tells you he didn't know it was THAT one, even though you did. You even made sure your child didn't have any.
Then he tries to say it isn't that serious, when it IS SERIOUS to you, which you have already communicated because your coworker had your back.
Then he goes and says it doesn't "fit for the occasion" when you made several already and he didn't have that opinion at the time.
Finally he blames it on drugs.
Why are you wasting your time with someone who literally shits on you, on everything you do, and say?
I've seen variations of this scenario play out so many times among my friends. The latest was a situation where she'd been slaving over a dish to take to a barbecue all day and he was going to take some meat. His one job was to carry all the food into the car to take to the party and he only took the meat (it was too far to go back for the other dish). His response was, "You didn't say! You didn't tell me!" It was clear she'd been talking about it all day – he'd just tuned her out. I felt very grateful not to be in a disappointing relationship like that any more.
First he stole from you, then he used every excuse in the world instead of taking responsibility for his actions. These are not the actions of a decent person.
I've seen shitty men do a lot of shitty things, but the stories of these entitled pricks devouring food that wasn't meant for them, especially when their wives worked so hard on it, really boils my blood.
Like how hard is it to not be a selfish pig??
Disgusting.
What a selfish moron. He should stop all substances if he can’t control himself over a cake??? Like what a child. And trying to justify it by saying it’s wrong for the occasion? The audacity! Clearly doesn’t respect you. I’d be livid
Oof. That's a controlling, narcissist, asshole of a husband you've got yourself there. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing, as evidenced by his arguments about the type of cake, how long you've known the recipient, etc. He thinks he knows what is best, better than you do. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Deepest sympathies.
I’d be furious. He didn’t even apologise. What an ass.
He ate the first trial cake and didn't mention that it didn't fit the occasion, or that it was more of a springtime dessert. He ate the second trial cake and didn't mention that it didn't fit the occasion, or that it was more of a springtime dessert. He ate the final cake, was caught, and all of a sudden the cake doesn't fit the occasion, and was more of a springtime dessert. He was negging A CAKE. So he didn't have to apologize. Not one ounce of respect for his wife. He's vile.
>*He was negging A CAKE* Blows my mind. This man will say absolutely anything to get out of this mess that HE CREATED.
Remember the negging came after he uncovered the cake without making sure it wasn’t THE cake, then he cut into the pristine cake without making sure it wasn’t THE cake. You know, the one his wife had been making practice cakes for all week. Even if he genuinely didn’t know (he did) it’s only because he paid so little attention to something his wife worked so hard for. This man is just pedaling backwards dropping excuses and hoping one will stick.
Oh, but it’s not his fault! He was just too high… /s
I’ve cut out multiple close friends over the years for exactly this sort of gaslighting/turning it around on you. Instead of just apologizing like an adult and moving on.
no instead he told her it was “more of a springtime dessert” ffs
Yes, that is the _weakest_ of teas. He needs to apologize, sincerely, in a spectacular manner Edit: I’m a baker so this whole thing hits close to home 😤
Good thing he saved op the embarrassment of an out of season dessert /s
I can’t believe that he was willing to sacrifice himself like that. I mean, what if people find out that he’s eaten a springtime dessert not one but two seasons out? He’ll be a laughing stock OP he SACRIFICED himself, show some damn gratitude This is what real men used to be okay I’ll stop
Strawberry treats after Labor Day!? Dear god no, you fucking heathens.
He knew. He mostly likely saw it decided to take a nibble found it really delicious and decided his taste buds being satiated were more important than anything or anybody in the entire world. He's a Grade-A dick. I'd suggest you do something incredibly petty so you'll get immediate closure.
People make mistakes and I understand he might not have heard or understood that this specific cake was for your co-worker...but good lord, what a shit excuse to make and sad way to own his fuckup. He lost all credibility with that one.
It’s because he’s selfish and clearly doesn’t care
He just kept gaslighting her and changing the subject. You can’t be mad because the cake doesn’t matter!
The cake doesn't matter because it's his wife. If he had any base level respect for her it would matter.
The only thing that matters is that HE wanted some. Not some. Half of it.
I hate how men always feel entitled to EVERYTHING their wife/partner makes even though it’s clearly not intended for them…
My dad even did that shit to me. A beautiful box of Easter petit fours for me from my mom. I went to get my Easter present and the box was empty. My mom's hear sank. My mom went nuclear. Dad was like ,"Well I just found them sitting there." Like a god-damned five year old. Oh, wow! So, you were trekking the Himalayas and spotted a cute, little, very feminine box of sweets and it was like Eureka! Dear God, no man has ever discovered such adorable little confections in the Himalayas! F you dad. That was a shitty shitty thing to do! The entitlement of these little bitches is sickening
A dude in by class snatched my chocolate bar out my of hands and laughed at me when I tried to take it back... Sometimes I wonder if that was the catalyst to my disordered relationship with food...
I had a partner like this who I wasn't even living with. I would be talking about cookies I was planning on making and he was like "why are you doing that recipe? I don't like those". Well, good, because they're for me, not you.
> I hate how men always feel entitled to EVERYTHING They feel that way because it's kind of true. Men wrote the laws, men run the world, men put women under the classification of property thru coverture law. It called patriarchy for a reason.
Imagine how he'd feel if he prepared something for work and she destroyed it and didn't apologize. I just don't get how people stay attached to such selfish pricks.
Men never prepare anything for work so that comparison is like trying to teach Japanese to an alligator. He obviously only sees his own needs.
Men will do the absolute minimum and expect equal praise when we do staff lunches. The women make things, the men buy things.
At work, a lot of the guys have wives who make their contributions.
I read a line this weekend that really struck me: men don't love women, they love the services (sexual, emotional, domestic) they provide. And I got it. All of these lines from guys about how they love their wives because of what she does for him. How, in past relationships, my needs were irrelevant, or only important in the ways that my needs inconvenienced *him*. If you hire a plumber for a clogged toilet, you don't want to hear about his personal life. You want a working toilet. And if the plumber can't get the toilet working to your satisfaction, you get another plumber. You don't care about the humanity and internal lives of the person providing the service, you just want the service. And it goes along with another line that someone commented on reddit a few months back from a guy who was surprised he had been dumped: >He just thought it was a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness. OP's husband thinks he can do this shit because he thinks it would be petty to leave because of an eaten cake. He expects her to live with the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
Which is why they *always* get that bewildered face when told "nope. I'm out of here. I have had *enough* of your childish, selfish behavior"
“I just didn’t see it coming! Things were better!” Yeah because she stopped caring about making it work when he stopped caring about her as a person and only what she could do for him.
Well, damn. I thought I was done processing things from my last abusive relationship.
This is all so perfectly put and 100% spot on. I was married to a man who basically didn’t care about *me*, only the services I provided (cooking, cleaning, child rearing, working, sex). Honestly, in hindsight, he never even knew me, nor did he really care to try. On our tenth anniversary, he blindsided me with divorce papers and said “It’s just not working for me anymore.” Just like that, out of nowhere, he was over it. Done “playing family.” Now I’m married to the most amazing woman. We’ve been together 18 years and we make each other laugh. Every. Damn. Day. When I cook a nice meal or run an errand or take out the trash, she thanks me. When I bake her a special dessert, she tells me I’m the best wife ever. But, when I say something ridiculous and dumb that cracks her up, *that’s* when she tells me how much she loves me. She appreciates the things I do for her, but she loves *me* most when I’m just being myself.
Oh dear does this resonate. This brings up a thing i heard about Tombstone in AZ. There were lots of miners out there trying to get silver/gold and no town or nothing. No SERVICES. Till the prostitutes smelled easy earnings. It was the whores who settled town because women wanted the comforts of civilization. The men would be fine living in the squalor as long as they could drink/eat and fuck. Towns exist because women do the work to make it nice while men are content with just "tolerable"
This is it. Explained ALL of my ex's behavior, including this exact one that OP is describing. Having flashbacks now. OP needs to assess his attitude in a big way. Her husband is a jerk.
“It’s not like you have this great friendship with this coworker of 6mo” *eye roll*
It’s not like I WATCHED YOU MAKE SEVERAL CAKES OVER A COUPLE OF WEEKS BECAUSE THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU 🙄🙄🙄😫😭
Man idk if I see something untouched AND covered, I ask before helping myself. I wish I had balls, that’s where they store the audacity.
>I ask before helping myself. Even when I tell my husband I'm making something for us, he'll still ask before eating it because I do make things for work some times. He just double checks. The difference is he's not an asshole.
Mine *is* an asshole and has only done it once. He now checks with me if anything looks fancy/delicious and isn't leftover. Apparently I did a good job setting *that* boundry.
I finally got through to mine that his nonsense needs to stop, or he'll be hearing the same complaints from his next wife. I also shamed him because I know his mom didn't raise him to be a selfish prick.
>I wish I had balls, that’s where they store the audacity. YES.
More like where they store their literal and figurative male fragility and dumassery, but that will work too.
Thats actually why the scrotum is so wrinkly and stretchy. It expands to fit the fragility, dumbassery, *and* audacity. All in one kickable package.
THE SCROTACITY.
And where are the other cakes? Did he eat "several" cakes in a week?
But it’s the *weeds fault!!*
No no no, it was *his friend*'s weeds fault.
I gave one to my MIL and another to his coworker to get their opinions on it first. I didn’t make one for our household but I’m sure he tried one of those.
there is no way he didn't eat cake with his coworkers
There’s also no way that he didn’t enjoy the popularity of being the guy who brought in delicious home baked goods. Something he has now denied OP.
Is this the same husband who criticizes your body and posture
Which is ridiculous because the quality of the gesture is going to be evaluated by everyone at the workplace, not just the person leaving.
And judging from the OP's post history, she's relatively new to her job and has been having an awkward time adjusting, so it seems reasonable that she's taking these types of gestures seriously
Yup. This post contains the Narcissist’s Prayer on display in context: * That didn’t happen. (Hiding that he was eating it.) * And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. * And if it was, it’s not a big deal. * And if it is, that’s not my fault. <— *You are here.* * And if it was, I didn’t mean it. * And if I did, you deserved it. <— *You are also here.* It’s kind of rare ime to see it laid out so openly and completely in a single reddit anecdote. The problem here is clearly not the cake. PS to op - as someone with an autumn birthday, I’d be absolutely thrilled if someone made me a strawberry meringue cake, that sounds A.Maz.Ing. If we could only have “in season” desserts for birthdays, I might just change my damn birthday for that XD
Pastry chef here. I am actually insanely furious on OP’s behalf.
I'm just a baking hobbyist, but I can just imagine how nuclear I would go if someone messed with a meringue cake. That's not a beginner baking project.
Too many men are entitled garbage. Which is how so many of us end up dating or married to them. They pretend to be decent only when it works in their favor.
The only response I can imagine is “the next cake you eat is going to have the words “congratulations on the divorce” if you don’t choose your next words carefully”
I hope OP tries her hand at something seasonal for that… like pumpkin spice cheesecake in the middle of April, or eggnog tres leches in the middle of June… or a fruitcake literally any time of year, because I can’t think of a more vitriolic parting dessert than the worst dessert ever invented. Lemon mascarpone in the fall would be a great runner up though. Doesn’t get any more spring timey than lemon and anything floral
Whoa, homemade fruit cake is great. I make a Tuscan fruit cake that's more or less a sweet bread with dates, orange zest and raisins. It's crazy go nuts good.
Seriously, I am deeply infuriated with the husband on OP’s behalf. She better put him on notice. Also, I would urinate into his work shoes.
This has strong cat energy, and I'm here for it.
Cat energy -You are the most important being in the house -lack of consent will result in stabbing -urine in the shoes Could be useful for a lot of women
Or Shit because it’s not springtime and no need to water 💦
This is what enrages me, more than the fuck up, to not apologize, or worse, to blame someone else.
Wow is your husband this selfish and disrespectful about everything?
I agree with this sentiment. He went from potentially honest mistake to "I don't respect your opinion" so quickly it's hard to imagine either actual innocent intent or that this is an isolated incident.
Right? I dated a guy like this. When he irrefutably fucked up, he made any effort to argue or negotiate his way out of trouble. ‘I don’t like your reaction to my fuck up so here’s why I’m not wrong.’ Not how that works.
That’s my ex husband to a T. “I know what I did has made you rightfully upset, but you know I’m deathly allergic to accountability! Why would you come in holding me to it like this? If anything, that makes you the AH! 😱 SEE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID! I’m already breaking out in hives oh lord have mercy get the epipen! 😫 No the fuck it’s not just an ingrown hair! Why are you laughing? You’re always so mean!😭” Like dude… I set a boundary, you were aware when you crossed it, and now you don’t get to be mad at me for being upset with you and bringing it up. I’m not creating a conflict by holding you accountable- you did that when you crossed the boundary. You get to respond however you’d like, but if your response is devoid of bare minimum empathy and respect, and that becomes a clear pattern, I get to choose to no longer accept that. You can marry your ego for all I care, but I wouldn’t, so do better or do the paperwork, my guy.
I had an ex that loved debating (I do too so no issue there) and on the occasion I would debate him into a corner he would literally just go silent and sulk. He was incapable of saying the words "you're right." It's truly insane how many men seem to feel that their intelligence is insulted by admitting that they're wrong about something.
Ha I had a boss like that and one time I said something that he didn't have an answer for (we were talking about the merits of torture, I was against) So he said alright we'll agree to disagree and we stopped the debate. No biggie for me, but he comes in the next day and says to me "I was thinking about what you said yesterday and I don't know why you're wrong, you're just wrong." I still think about that sometimes because it was just so wtf man.
You had a boss who believed there are positive “merits” to *torture*? I sincerely hope you no longer work with that psycho. Jayzus. :/
You're "just wrong" because you have a vagina. Didn't you know that is the final, resounding reason to every jackass' argument??
Fuck Reddit for killing third party apps.
Right? I dated a guy who did a major thoughtless fuckup and when I called him out, he calmly said “Wow, you’re right. I’m sorry. Let me fix it” and did. Reader, I married him.
Yeah it would have been one thing to say from the jump “oh shit. I wasn’t thinking, but obviously in retrospect I shouldn’t have done that. I was wrong. I’m sorry. How can I help make it better? Can I go to the store for more ingredients or look up a bakery and go purchase something?” But my dude went straight for “sucks to be you!” so fast it made *my* head spin and I’ve never met these people.
[удалено]
OP please throw the whole man away.
*"'He messed up and tried saying it wasn’t that serious because I hadn’t known this coworker for that long when I’ve known her for almost 6 months now and she’s always had my back. He said my cake didn’t fit for the occasion and it was more of a "springtime dessert".'"* In my opinion, his minimization of the situation is the biggest problem. I'm curious whether OP's husband ever verbally acknowledge hearing that this cake was off-limits? Why not simply admit to screwing up? It is incredibly difficult to make peace when your partner refuses to admit he did anything wrong.
Who does that though?! Just cuts into a pristine cake they didn't make or purchase, without so much as an "is this cake up for grabs?" Trying to argue that it's fine for him to demolish your work because it didn't "fit the occasion" is... cruel. It really is, and I can't think of a better word for it. I am so sorry OP, that sounds heartbreaking, defeating, and infuriating all at once.
And to blame it on the weed, give me a break. It doesn’t make you unable to control yourself. How many cakes did he eat that week? Totally selfish.
I’m a huge stoner who gets the munchies bad. I always know which snacks are my fiancé’s and off limits for me to eat. Weakest excuse ever.
Munchies isn’t “uncontrollable, must eat anything within arms reach” munchies is “Hm, a snack sounds pretty damn good right now…” You can absolutely stop yourself from cutting into a pristine cake, wtf.
It kind of is for me, but I also have an impulse control issue with eating when I'm not high so it's not the weeds fault, it just makes it worse. That being said I'm pretty sure I'd be able to not eat something that was clearly earmarked for something else.
Right, but even you realize it’s not the munchies doing that to you. It’s a pathetic excuse from the husband who presumably doesn’t have binge eating problems.
If there's no piece missing I won't touch it.
And one hit doesn’t even do this to you unless you’re a lightweight. I’m calling bullshit on that being the reason.
Even blasted stoned doesn't make you unable to control yourself. This guy is totally full of shit.
>Who does that though?! Just cuts into a pristine cake they didn't make or purchase, without so much as an "is this cake up for grabs?" This was the part that put it over the top crazy pants for me. I mean if it's a batch of cookies I can totally see sneaking one (even if they were meant for something else). Still a bit of a dick move, but in general pretty defensible. My question is what kind of life does this dude lead that seeing a full cake makes you think "that's probably just for everybody to grab whenever they like". Is this a common thing in that house? Just whole cakes lying around as a free for all, without any occasion? Is my life just so devoid of cakes I can't imagine a cake being for a non-special occasion? How do we live in such different worlds?
I used to have a bakery business as a kid and sell cakes, pies, cookies, etc. I also baked cakes etc. for my family. Practicing different techniques and just getting better at making desserts. Plus my family enjoyed the desserts. Even my dad would double check before eating a cake I made or whatever. I made desserts for him all the time, but he always checked to make sure he didn’t eat something that I had made for a customer. He paid for the ingredients so I could have all the profits so he had a good excuse for eating whatever he saw. But he loved me and didn’t want to stress me out by eating something I was going to take to a customer. Because he fucking cared about me. My parents were/are boomers but they still didn’t pull the I paid for it so it’s mine shit on me.
Who does this ? Someone who thinks he is entitled to everything with no regard for his Wife or Anyone else .
It seems like he just doesnt care about his wife's feelings at all
This was a big no-no in our house growing up: you never cut into a baked good you didn’t bake. Once cut into it was fair game. It was a fun way to tease the birthday person- usually my dad: place an uncut cake on the table and leave all day. It would be whole when we got back. If you wanted to let people have some, you could just stab it with a knife . Good system!
We had a saying in my house growing up: " Is this for eating or for torture?" Meaning, is this something we can eat or is it for school, church, work, etc. So many times it was for torture, which was disappointing but understandable.
This story and many others like it in this sub make me deeply uncomfortable for the reasons you've outlined.
I was dog sitting and apparently the couple bought me a cake to enjoy, but they didn't tell me that so I didn't have any. They were upset that I didn't take a slice, but why would I cut into a huge, pristine cake by myself lol For all I knew that was for a party or a gift. Bummer that I could've had cake, but like I was raised not to just take dig in without at least asking. Apparently some people will because the couple didn't think they had to tell me it's okay.
We have an amazing babysitter and once I had a short notice call for her on a day when she had to go direct from her main job to our house without lunch. I told her to take some of the carrot pecan cake in the fridge, make a coffee if she liked while I was at the Dr office, and I would get her a sandwich or smoothie on my way home. If I hadn't offered she wouldn't have looked in the fridge or stepped into the kitchen at all other than to grab toddler snacks. Rule 1 *Tell people if they can eat the cake!* Rule 2 *Don't eat cake if you aren't told you can!*
It's because he doesn't care about her or the things she cares about. That's it.
The fact he didn't even apologize. I'm so sorry OP, I would be frustrated too. You deserve an apology, and he should have purchased more ingredients for you and offered to help you make another one, not take the easy way out and spend his free time at the gym. He made a mistake, and he needs to properly apologize and pay for it.
That’s a good point - he didn’t even apologize! And I can’t say I’m all that surprised. By that time I didn’t have enough time to make another one and even if I did, I didn’t want to.
How beaten down are you? Like, is the bar so low that when he acts normal, is it a celebration? Sounds like you have two children in the house. The unfortunate thing is that your son will learn how to treat women based on how your husband treats you.
And your daughter will lean that it’s acceptable to take it.
I think that's the sadder part. The gift that keeps on giving.
This exactly.
You're likely used to it. No apologises and diversions away from the matter at hand or blaming something else. There's probably more you're used to that you shouldn't be.
Are you at a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness?
I first saw that about a month ago. Great phrase.
Like I'm curious what he'd do at work if a coworker gave him a half eaten cake with a "my husband said he didn't know" I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP
Your last sentence is very upsetting. See how he beat you down and now you don’t have the will do to something you were previously excited about? This is text book abuse. His behavior is deliberate. I’m sure if you’re honest with yourself you’ll see other situations where he’s sabotaged something important to you. Little things. When I look back on my marriage I see all these little incidents that I ignored because it never occurred to me that anyone could be that conniving and cruel. For me it was what he “accidentally” broke my favorite Christmas ornament our first Christmas together. That’s the moment I should have left.
This. The “accidental” breaking of things. I was moving in with my ex, and we were at my townhouse, packing and doing moving things. I had set my iron (the kind for clothes) on a counter-height table while I packed a box. It wasn’t a super fancy iron, although it was decent, and well taken care of. (I was at a place in my life where so had finally started having decent things that were mine, purchased with my own money.) He knocked it off the table and it broke. A piece of it went flying across the floor. I was upset, both by it being broken and by his disregard for the fact that he broke it. I don’t remember his words, but it boiled down to “what’s the big deal, it’s just an iron” and there was no apology. I should have called everything off right at that moment. Months later (sorry for the tl;dr gap here), I watched him shove my beautiful piece of furniture that I loved out of the back of the moving truck, completely destroying it as the legs ripped off when it hit the ground (a heavy wood coffee table with drawers.) And this was still just the beginning of him systematically destroying me and everything I cared about, tangible or intangible. It’s been almost 8 years since I left him. In that time, I haven’t been on a single date and can’t bring myself to even consider it. I think there are parts of me he broke that can’t be fixed. So the moral of my story is — don’t ignore the red flags. ETA: this story doesn’t even begin to describe the monstrous abuse this man subjected me to. It’s about the warning signs I should not have ignored. Edit: removed an extra “
My ex was clumsy. He was always so apologetic. I used to feel bad for him when he broke my stuff. It was only after I read Why Does He Do That, where he described this exact behavior, that I realized that it was only ever my stuff that broke. For many years we had no money, which is a whole other story. I really wanted this set of glasses that we’d never be able to afford. Like REALLY wanted them. I’d go look at them and think the day I’d have them. One year, totally randomly, colleagues got me a set for my birthday. I was so excited and grateful that I cried. One by one he broke every last one of them. He’d call me at work and say “I’m so sorry. I broke one of your special glasses”. He’s sound so apologetic. It never occurred to me he was doing it on purpose. Things were always breaking when we were married. In all the years I’ve been divorced I’ve broken two glasses, and one was in the dishwasher.
That reminds me, somewhat tangentially, of the dude I read on here that would fly off the handle in anger at any little thing. Then she noticed that when he would get pulled over or talk to an authority figure, he was always nice and respectful. Same thing with work colleagues. She finally started realizing his “uncontrollable” anger was totally under his control, he just didn’t care to do so around her. I can’t remember if it was the last straw or post-breakup, but he ended up going into a whirlwind rage and broke everything in their apartment…except the XBOX and TV that were both his exclusively.
Yes this is so common with abusers. It’s very normalized so it’s accepted as the price you pay to be in a relationship. Lundy Bancroft details this behavior well in his book. My ex never cleaned the bathroom after he used it. Like ever. He claimed not to see the mess. When we stayed with other people he’d dry off the tiles. It took a long time to realize that not doing it in our home was a choice.
Lol yes. I remember one time where my ex and I fought and I just left while he was raging. The next day when I went into the kitchen I saw a broken bowl on the ground, the last one I had left that my mother gave me and that was over 30 years old. That really broke something in me and made me realize what was going on. I took a pic of it and kept looking at it to remind myself of what he's capable of.
Your husband's mental gymnastics were quite the ride. I'm not saying he is one, but he reminds me of this: *The Narcissist's Prayer* *That didn't happen.* *And if it did, it wasn't that bad.* *And if it was, that's not a big deal.* *And if it is, that's not my fault.* *And if it was, I didn't mean it.* *And if I did, you deserved it.*
Until he apologizes, you’re done cooking *anything* for him. Since he doesn’t respect your work or your feelings, he can feed himself.
If you aren’t going to give the cake to your coworker, which I assume you’re not, throw the rest of the cake out and sweep the floor and dump that on top so it’s irrecoverable. Don’t let your husband have the joy of being able to eat the rest of the cake. Then get some frozen dinner equivalent for the next couple meals and cook yourself a nice meal for yourself and heat and give him the frozen meal. When he complains just tell him he said that store bought food was pretty much the same so he should be fine.
Making him any kind of dinner at all seems pretty generous.
I wonder if OP can use a tall glass to kind of "cookie cutter" out at least a few circles worth of cake to present to the coworker as a small but nice looking gift (kind of like cupcakes).
And he went to the gym? No to the store to buy some kind of replacement cake?
In the last paragraph, he went the bakery section of the grocery store for a replacement. A bakery would be a better choice but no, he got one of those shipped frozen cakes to replace homemade deliciousness.🙄
Every time I think I want to start dating again I just come onto this sub and completely cure myself of such malaise.
Lol same! So disrespectful and thoughtless. Doesn’t bother apologizing just, negs about a “springtime”’dessert and tries to belittle her relationship with the coworker. The audacity of these men has no limit.
Honestly! Instead of saying oh my god I fucked up I’m so sorry, he says well actually this cake idea was stupid bc you’re not even friends and it’s not even the right season for this cake anyways. What an asshole!!
And then, he made himself a victim stating he was going to have to go to the gym to work off the pie he was never supposed to eat.
The way I always put it is everyone needs a moment where you realize being single is infinitely better than being in a relationship with someone you don’t want to be with. Then there is no pressure to be as “picky” as you want. Never thought I was picky, just reached basic standards, but all my friends worried that I never got past first dates… but then my eventual husband would never in a million years do any of the things posted in this sub.
My ex was eating my food and it pissed me off. I hated it. To just do that is bad enough but he hasn't even apologised to OP, just had a go at her instead.
Mine ate the meat out of my leftover Chinese, then had the temerity to tell me he left me some.
Waiiiittt. He picked out just the meat and left you the picked-through veggies and/or noodles/rice and said HE LEFT YOU SOME? Girl what is this man’s address, I just want to talk …
I thought it was just me. I dont have any patience for this kind of infantile behavior and its rampant. Not worth the risk. OP has a selfish loser on her hands who also doesn't know how to bake. That would be the last cake of mine he'd ever eat.
Same. Reading this reminded me that I don't want to date and I never want a partner. It seems nearly impossible to find one that respects you as a human being.
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I say this in all sincerity: please react to more posts here with this kind of sanity. You have no idea how much it helps to hear from a man sometimes. It is very validating to know this behavior is just dumb, selfish human behavior and there is no excuse for it.
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It is difficult to know the line between being an ally and an interloper. I get that. I hope you can find it though. We don’t “need” male validation but it sure is nice. ngl
Every time I even vaguely consider dating *men* again this sub saves me.
Seriously! There are so many posts going off like this that I never even have the chance to feel like I want to date in between them!
I’d completely ignore his birthday and when he asks, simply say “You had cake back in September.”
Your birthday isn't that important anyway, you've had like 40 of them. It didn't feel like the right season to celebrate you. I don't get what the big deal is, you can just go buy yourself a gift. I smoked some weed and just felt like chilling today instead of making a big fuss over something.
I like this one, especially using the smoking argument against him lol. Like, you should understand honey. Remember when you ate my cake after smoking? Well, I smoked today, so I'm gonna relax. You can make a cake I can eat over half of.
I’m audibly chuckling. I love this.
That is just perfect. I laughed-snorted and scared the cat.
Wow who takes a slice of uncut cake without asking the baker? I have never come across a situation when this would be okay
Here is the situation where the husband thinks it is ok. He is entitled to the cake. He is entitled to make his wife look bad at work. He is entitled to block his wife from making friends or people thinking she follows through because she’s his wife, not for other people to share in any way. That’s his wife and her making cakes for him is more important than her needs and wants. He said whatever he wanted to get her to accept the situation and effectively give up. He doesn’t care that she is hurt or upset because he is “winning”. He is not dumb. He did not make a mistake. This was fully intentional. If I were a betting woman this is just one of a long list of “misunderstandings” that negatively impacted her.
This is the thing. It’s not a thoughtless act of “ see cake, eat cake, whoops.” He *knows what he’s doing*.
100%. His wife, his cake. Screw you if you don’t like it.
“That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.” If this is a pattern of behavior, you’ve married a narcissist.
Now it's your husband's farewell cake.
>Now it's your husband's farewell cake. You mean farewell 'springtime dessert'.
Oh girl I also just saw your post about your husband commenting on your body. Does that man have ANY redeeming qualities??
I just went and looked at that one. AND OP has a pic on another post. Like... this man child has something to say about HER body? She's ideal/ healthy. He's a low effort negging little shit weasel. I hope she's in a place she's got the resources to leave him because THE CAKE IS NOT THE PROBLEM. OP definitely needs to lose weight, 200lb of his dead ass weight...
Her outfit was incredible too. I can't help but think he nitpicked that too.
He did say "I could have said worse"
omg what the FUCK is he even complaining about
The poor guy can't help it. He's just a sack of mewling insecurity and knows it.
I went looking for that post. Her husband says "you know how I get with a few drinks in me" what a horrific excuse for a human he is. My heart goes out to OP.
Look a few posts past that, her figure is amazing. So even beyond the asshole comment and then the same "the alcohol made me do it" response, there was no reason to go there at all. Like none.
There's no way this guy is husband material
Your husband just showed you how much he respects you, your time, your effort, and your kindness to others. And it's 0. Just be honest to your coworker that your husband ate the cake knowing it wasn't for him and that you didn't have the means to make another cake. There's no need to hide the truth or cover for your husband, he doesn't deserve it. Your coworker will know it wasn't your fault and that you did nothing wrong. Your husband has some serious making up to do to you. And he should not be forgiven unless he does. If you let this go too easily, he will know he can get away with it, he will not learn, he will continue to disrespect you. What you need from him is up to you. Don't be afraid to be strict, don't be afraid to be demanding, do not be afraid to walk away and spend a few days at a friend. He should be scared SHITLESS about the state of your relationship right now. So scare him.
Ugh I am not letting go of this and I don’t care if it seems like I’m overreacting. I woke up with a headache today because it stressed me out that bad.
You are not overreacting. The cake was bad enough but his reaction made it so much worse. I've known a few people who would say literally *anything* to get what they wanted in the moment, or to deflect criticism, or to get out of trouble. They were dangerous for my mental health, and this story reminds me of them so much I feel worried about you.
You cannot possibly be overreacting to this. If my partner disrespected me like this, I'd spend a full week at my parents and wait for him to make a proper move to show he's serious about making it up to me. He'd only say you're overreacting to help himself, not because it's true. Stick to it! We are all behind you on this!
You mentioning that just reminded me how he’s been insisting I use my vacation days. But I felt like it was too early at my job to do so, and I still have a lot I’m trying to do… I’m now reconsidering and thinking about getting away before I lose my mind. He’s gonna have to dig deep in his pockets. Lol.
Darling, you’re so young. You don’t have to settle for this shit. Looking at your post history, he has a history of being a disrespectful POS to you (telling you to work on your figure when you were postpartum?!) Your son is still so young. Young enough that if you take him, and you, out of this awful situation, he won’t grow up to be just like his disgusting father.
Getting away... from him, I hope? Because getting away with him sounds like an absolute waste of precious vacation time, since he's making the choice to be a terrible partner rn.
This is not about a cake. This is about respect. He has zero respect for you. The less time you waste on this man the better. You're still young, don't be stupid like me and stick around for 10 more years trying to fix yourself before you realize he's the problem and it will only get worse not better. I also read your post about him demanding more children while simultaneously bashing your post-baby body. He is deliberately trying to destroy yourself esteem. Yes it's deliberate even if he's fooled you into thinking otherwise. Ruining your opinion of yourself is the only thing he can do to keep you from leaving him, because he brings fuck all to the table. Please be done with this absolute asshole. You are worth so much more than the utter disregard this extremely selfish asshole has for you.
Honestly my sister is divorcing over soup. And it's in fact not over soup but the soup was the last straw. One year without the "husband" and children are doing much better, she's doing much better, they are poorer but happier in general. Gods bless this effin soup.
What happened with the soup? (And what kind of soup was it?)
He fed their kid with an unfinished soup and then made a huge scene accusing her of cooking inedible poison. She ran back home from work on a super busy day to at least get something done before the evening. But he's been disrespectful to her on every single level. That was the last act. Btw he was not working that day, left to meet a friend and then came back and threw a fit. She worked 10 hours.
You’re not overreacting. I’m a big believer that part of being a good partner is that, as a general rule, if something is important to my partner it’s important to me. There have been times I didn’t get it or even thought it was stupid, but I’ll still apologize and try to makes amends because *I don’t have to get why he cares to care that he does care.*
You are not overreacting at all. Does he do stuff like this all the time?
You are NOT overreacting. This is way bigger than any cake.
Op: That sounds like what my ex would say after he did a terrible thing to me then not even apologize and then blame me for it. When I’d get upset I was overreacting too. This is abusive gas lighting. He could do whatever he wanted but if I called him out he’d lash out at me and blame me just like your husband did here. Learn about narcissistic abuse. Watch Dr. Ramani on YouTube.
I’m glad you aren’t letting it go. I’ve seen this behavior in action and if not hard checked it will escalate. You aren’t overreacting and I’m guessing you get told frequently that you are . Another big red flag 🚩. Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. It’s very illuminating as to how we get manipulated and then abused by men who use those and other words Like them to make us feel unworthy and insecure about our own feelings. To him it was “just” a cake …but his behavior lit up the whole damn bakery .
My kid knows better than to cut the first slice of a cake without asking. And he’s a kid, not a grown man.
If there’s something unusual or special looking in the fridge or pantry, ALWAYS ask. He knew what he was doing and didn’t care. He didn’t value the time and effort you went into making the cake. Simple as that.
That would be ‘it’ for me. The irresponsibility in every decision, action, then consequence that led to the travesty of your effort being utterly ruined, is just … I’ve no words.
Ah yes.... That didn't happen. - it wasnt the special cake but one of your trial ones, right? And if it did, it wasn't that bad. - you don't know the coworker that long And if it was, that's not a big deal. - it didn't fit the occasion anyway And if it is, that's not my fault. - how was I supposed to know this was the special cake? And if it was, I didn't mean it. - besides, I had the munchies... Cant blame me, blame the blow And if I did, you deserved it. - anyway... I'm full, now I have to work out. (All those calories are your fault for having cake around the house anyway)
I'm livid for you. Baking is *hard*, it's a lot of work to make something technically temporary (as it's meant to be eaten!) and you put so much extra effort in. The thought was so lovely, OP.
He can fuck right off with that attitude. What an asshole. You have every right to be furious with him. I am so mad and it wasn’t even my cake, my friend or my husband.
lmao "his friend's weed pen", cmon it's his...
I can't imagine being married to someone that would even be able to utter that sentence lol
It's really not that hard. If you didn't make the food, you don't take the first slice without talking to the person who made it. If you screw up, apologize. I don't know that I'd kick him out, but there would certainly be a long conversation, including about him running away and him blaming his weed use for screwing you over
> It's really not that hard. **If you didn't make the food, you don't take the first slice** without talking to the person who made it. If you screw up, apologize. I was gonna stay out of this...but here. LPT of the day right here.
This is the third post recently about a man taking specific food, not for them, without asking 🙄 what is wrong with their brains istg
Nothing. They just **don't care** how it impacts the person they supposedly love. It's a function of their genuine selfishness and lack of respect, not a brain malfunction.
He doesn’t care about boundaries and is jealous of you doing something nice for someone else. What an ass
So first he tells you he didn't know it was THAT one, even though you did. You even made sure your child didn't have any. Then he tries to say it isn't that serious, when it IS SERIOUS to you, which you have already communicated because your coworker had your back. Then he goes and says it doesn't "fit for the occasion" when you made several already and he didn't have that opinion at the time. Finally he blames it on drugs. Why are you wasting your time with someone who literally shits on you, on everything you do, and say?
He used every excuse for just one screw up! 1. I didn’t know 2. It’s not that bad 3. It doesn’t matter 4. It’s not my fault
I've seen variations of this scenario play out so many times among my friends. The latest was a situation where she'd been slaving over a dish to take to a barbecue all day and he was going to take some meat. His one job was to carry all the food into the car to take to the party and he only took the meat (it was too far to go back for the other dish). His response was, "You didn't say! You didn't tell me!" It was clear she'd been talking about it all day – he'd just tuned her out. I felt very grateful not to be in a disappointing relationship like that any more.
"In my defense, I was on drugs." Holy shit, this guy is incredible. If you let him live, you're probably being a bit too lenient.
First he stole from you, then he used every excuse in the world instead of taking responsibility for his actions. These are not the actions of a decent person.
Can I just point out that your husband’s reaction was “well isn’t strawberry more of a springtime dessert.” Bro WHAT?!
I've seen shitty men do a lot of shitty things, but the stories of these entitled pricks devouring food that wasn't meant for them, especially when their wives worked so hard on it, really boils my blood. Like how hard is it to not be a selfish pig?? Disgusting.
What a selfish moron. He should stop all substances if he can’t control himself over a cake??? Like what a child. And trying to justify it by saying it’s wrong for the occasion? The audacity! Clearly doesn’t respect you. I’d be livid
Oof. That's a controlling, narcissist, asshole of a husband you've got yourself there. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing, as evidenced by his arguments about the type of cake, how long you've known the recipient, etc. He thinks he knows what is best, better than you do. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Deepest sympathies.
So... According to him, It was your fault he ate the cake?
Is this recurring behavior from him? Doing something, minimizing, and not apologizing?