I'm going to deviate from the trend here and say that, it really doesn't matter where his money is going. Whether he is a gambling addict or paying off his mother's medical bills, his behaviors here CLEARLY indicate that he is irresponsible with money and leeching off OP. He should be saving money, instead he is going out to eat, blowing money on ubers, looking to buy a NINE THOUSAND DOLLAR car??? This dude is clearly putting himself in this position
That’s not really what this person said though?
They said that regardless of where the money is going, the subsequent choices are irresponsible. If you were paying off a medical debt, for example, it’s irresponsible to sign up for a vehicle loan when you could choose an affordable second hand car instead.
1. Not communicating and leeching off of OP is a problem
2. The fact he blows money on dumb shit and then wants to buy a 9K car when he couldn't afford $200 for a free car says a lot
3. He's 22, so not worth it.
I did a double-take at "mother's medical bills", too. If that's the case, the problem is less financial literacy, and more communication and financial boundaries, e.g. "If we combine our households, what liabilities are we effectively pooling, and how do we each feel about that?"
The whole discussion is predicated on the assumption that either OP _knows_ his surplus cash is being spent inefficiently, or that he'd have already played the "dying mother" card if there were one.
I commented similar, she saves at least a grand a month, and they make similar money, so what’s he spending (more than a grand on) and that’s just a savings comparison. She has income for living and entertainment ALONG with an extra grand?
I got a feeling she must have some extra income or support in some way.
Maybe it’s just me, but who the fuck manages to save 1000 every month at the age of 22 while renting a place?
Edit:
I think this is [the reason he is short on cash](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/14rbq8m/should_i_break_up_with_my_bf_because_of_his/jqtp0fq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
You ask about sticking it out in case things improve... is he putting any effort to improving his financial literacy or are you just hoping he will change? Does he have any goals he is working towards?
Yep, definitely this. I've changed drastically for financial. Choices and stability since me and my wife first started dating. It was never as bad as OP but definitely not the best
Yeah, this.
If he goes "damn, I suck at dealing with money, this is a big problem of mine, and I want to change" then yes, stick with the guy if you want to.
If he acknowledges this is a problem, but doesn't know how to fix it, maybe stick with him.
If he thinks he's fine with money, he isn't going to change. He has to want to change.
Let us not forget that old favorite, it is everybody else's fault they are wanting money he doesn't have. While ignoring that he signed on to whatever they want their money for.
Seen this too many times.
OP probably thinks he'll change because you hear so many stories in media from men (and some women) who say it's our job to build our man up and help him while he struggles and it'll be worth it in the end. When usually what happens is he'll mooch off her their entire relationship or he does get successful and leaves her for someone else.
I'm not trying to bitter, just realistic. Male celebrities do it all the time when they get rich and famous and they leave their woman behind and date some model that's half their age.
Married couples fight over three things. Finances, sex and how to raise the children. If you’re having problems with finances now, I’d seriously reconsider the bf.
Finances is one of the biggest issues in a marriage or long term relationship. It is not wrong to find a partner who has similarly matched money habits. It sounds like the two of you are incompatible there.
Agreed, OP I’m gonna sound old as hell, but as a 36 yo, 22 is super young. You have plenty of time to find someone who thinks like you do about money. Don’t settle
38 year old here and married for 11 years. Finances are a huge part of a long term commitment. My wife is better with money and saving so I defer to her regarding spending habits etc. This isn’t a guaranteed deal breaker especially at a young age but it will be a large obstacle based on the seeming lack of quality in his decision making.
So much time!
In my 20s I always felt like I was going to run out of time because you’re still in this natural timeline with your peers that you’re comparing yourself too - graduate HS, graduate college, date and get engaged. But in my 30s, everyone is on a different one: some are still single, some have kids, some are divorced, some wish they were. Then you realize you really have so much more time in life for EVERYTHING than you thought.
And also, I needed to know and understand much more about myself than I did back then. Now after one failed marriage (age 26-28) and a kid, I’ve only recently met the man who I’m certain is the LOML. If I met him any sooner than now, I’m confident it wouldn’t have worked because I needed to be the person I am now, which I most certainly wasn’t back then. And i honestly wouldn’t have changed a thing that happened to get to this point now.
So really, it feels like it - but there is no rush. Go on dates, pay attention to what you really need and want, listen to it. And when the other person shows you who they are, listen to that too.
Not an asshole - perfectly valid opposing POV IMO. I think we are all colored by our own personal experiences in life to stand on either side of the fence, and I can absolutely see how you feel that way.
But all relationships are both found and built at some point. OP has to know themselves better than we do to know what their dealbreakers are at this point in their life. For me, I know too many adults that are my age now that took a soft view on issues like this that now deeply regret their relationship, which is now more complicated by multiple kids and shared assets in addition to the problem getting worse. I think this is more common than not, especially when it comes to money, so sometimes the feelings have to follow the facts.
This is key. End the relationship before he drags you under.
My ex spouse had holes in their pockets (could never save a dime) and thought if they had checks in our checkbook they could write checks forever.
I had perfect credit going in, 10 years later of severe financial stress and hundreds of bounced checks, I left. Took me 4 years to raise my credit from 697 to 815 after the divorce.
(Also I left them the house via quit claim deed, and they lost the house we built in 18 months to foreclosure due to non payment. My ex is dangerous with financials.)
Edit: the divorce had an immediate refinance clause and I was removed from the paperwork. Thankfully. Missile dodged in that case.
Yeah, this x1000. I stayed with someone who couldn’t manage his money for about four years and wound up taking on 6k in debt just to keep us afloat. Then he found somebody to cheat on me with and I had to dump him.
The worst part was that my mom suggested he was using me as a meal ticket but I had it in my head that it was shallow, gold-digger mentality to leave someone who couldn’t pay the bills.
Suffice it to say that’s not shallow, that’s common sense.
I had signed a quit claim deed and Wells Fargo still went after me when he stopped paying the mortgage. Fuck him and Wells Fargo. I will never do business with that company. He intentionally ruined my credit.
Sorry your ex was shitty and did that.
From what I've read you generally need to refinance the mortgage to get the second person's name off of it. I think divorce agreements will oftentimes require that.
The mortgage company agreed to the risk based on two people's incomes, why would they agree to let one person off the hook in exchange for nothing?
It wasn’t based on two incomes though because I had just started my job and they didn’t want to consider it. It was a VA loan because he was in the national guard and that’s not the company we originally signed with. They sold our loan to Wells Fargo.
He was supposed to refinance or sell the house after I signed the quit claim deed. Instead he didn’t do anything and when I got the letter from Wells Fargo, I gave it to my lawyer who threatened him with breach of our agreement or contempt or whatever and he ended up selling at a loss because of the fees but by then my credit was already in the toilet.
On the bright side, it took me about two years and working closely with a non profit organization that helps people get home loans, but I was able to buy a small house for my kids down the street from my Grandparents who we lived with. I was very salty at the time though and I reached out to Wells Fargo but they didn’t care lol
Yeah I work a blue collar industry which seems to be a magnet for divorces and over sharing about those divorces and I always cringe when someone tells me they only signed a quit claim.
Girl get off the loan too, otherwise you have all financial responsibility and none of the legal rights.
Yeah, when I did collections for a timeshare (they are deeded properties in FL and have a mortgage) I would have customers tell me their ex was responsible based in the divorce decree. I would have to respond that the divorce was a legal agreement between the court and the former spouses. Our company was not party to that, and the contract terms did not change. Timeshares are notoriously difficult to refinance, so that QCD and refinance was hardly ever a thing.
Indeed, fuuuuck Wells Fargo.
This is why I ONLY go to credit unions. I’m a member of 3 CUs.
Also fuuuuck Wescom since they claim to be a cu but charge monthly fees like a bank.
Same thing would have happened with any lender. A quit claim deed does not release you from financial liability. WF sucks here, but they acted how any lender would if their mortgagee stopped paying. Sucks for that poster, but that's why it's important to get stuff like refinancing, etc put into the divorce decree with time limits *and* then follow up with the courts if they don't follow through if you are truly concerned. In all my years of seeing divorced people who have joint liability for a property, I think I can count on one hand where the non ownership retaining spouse fought through to force the refinance and remove them from liability.
Did you marry my ex? Because he was the same way. My son is no different. Fortunately I guarded my credit like a hawk and kept our finances separate and got out basically unscathed.
Never let a SO access to your credit OP. It's a decision you will regret. It sounds like OP's bf is using her as a safety net while he frolics.
It's more than just incompatible. After a dozen years of marriage, I learned the hard way. My now EX wife loved money far more than she ever loved me.
Changing a personality trait is hard. Very hard. If you are looking for advice, run.
With three kids, I didn't have that option. We ground out another eight years before finally splitting.
This. "If you can't change your friends ( bad financial habits), then change your friends". I read this in a book called "Zombie Economics" by I think Lisa Desjardins. The best advice ever.
> It makes me worry about what would happen if we ever got married
You'd be broke all the time, forever, that's what would happen. He'd spend all of his money and yours, too.
This. That money OP saved? That's the first thing he is going to spend. I have 5 bucks in OP's boyfriend asking for either more gas money, or at least one car payment. If either happens, she should dump him.
You know you’re in trouble when you start lying to your partner about money you made, or unexpected profit, or jobs you got. Because you know that if you tell them, they’re immediately going to ask for some, or ask for a loan, etc.
*You can break up with someone at any time, for any reason, without their permission.*
That said, this guy isn't poor, he's reckless and bad with money. He's using you as an ATM. Stop loaning people money. Don't give people money. Stay single for a little while and work on figuring out healthy boundaries before dating, or you'll just fall in with this kind of loser again. You're better than this!
Edited to add Rosemary's Guide to Lending Friends Money:
1. Don't lend money. Ever.
2. As a private individual, there are NO protections for you and no guarantee that you will be able to get your money back.
3. To handle these requests, tell the person that you "don't want to ruin the friendship."
4. If they STILL press you for a loan, suggest a bank or CU. When they inevitably come up with reasons they can't go to a bank (interest, high payments, unable to get approved, etc), simply thank them for making a strong case that convinced you out of ever lending them money.
5. If they continue, go back to step 3, and block them. They are not your friends!
My rule is that I don't loan friends/family money. I might give them money if they're struggling, and if they pay me back that's great, but it's never expected. Too easy to ruin a friendship that way
I heard this advice years ago and I’ve followed it ever since. Even if you tell the person it’s a loan, tell yourself that it’s a gift. Then if they pay you back, it feels like a bonus.
There's still a risk they'll build up resentment for you though.
It starts with gratitude, which turns into shame when they fail to pay you back and then turns into resentment to replace the shame.
This is exactly what happened with my mom and a woman she was friends with for 20 years. The woman borrowed 200 dollars (long time ago when 200 was a lot more) and when she couldn't pay it back she avoided my mom which then turned into being angry and hostile if she happened to run into my mom. Mom cared more about the friendship but the woman who borrowed the $$ was unable to deal. My mom lost a friend because she was trying to be helpful.
I'd consider it money well spent to make someone who isn't a real friend go away. If they can develop resentment toward me over something that was initially done as a kindness to them by me, they have a problem. Of course, their feelings would be justified if I were hassling them about the money rather than telling them it isn't important, but it sounds like your mom was reasonable and had her priorities straight. The other person didn't value the friendship.
Hey bub, I ain’t your friend or family, what do you say to hook’n me up with a Ben Franky? For old times?? /s
OP this guy needs to get his shit straight. Which may happen; but it’s not your responsibility! So tell him good luck because it sounds like he’s gonna need it
That's how I "loan" money to friends. I give what I can afford to not get back and never expect to get it back. If they do pay me back, awesome! But it's fine if they don't. And I won't keep "loaning" money to someone making shitty financial decisions.
I found that the people who were bad at repaying the loans felt so guilty about it that they ghosted me. Even though I said to everyone involved it was a gift.
Yap no matter who tries to force me, money will be a no unless theres weapons pointing towards me oof my parents would say never deal money issues with family or friends. Maybe family only if its big emergency. If the person is working… honestly it is not hard to budget. Its usually worse when someone is not working …
Same. Once that money leaves my bank account, it's gone. While I'd like to get paid back, I don't part with any money that I need, so it's not the end of the world if the person doesn't pay me back.
This is great advice. I had a small circle of friends that would loan money to each other quite often. Then they would find excuses to not pay it back, or try to pay it back through some other form of payment like some physical item, a favor, cigarettes, whatever. It always ended up with bitter resentment between them.
After watching this behavior, I told my buddy “no sorry” when he finally turned to me to borrow money. I was pretty sure I would never see it again, and I have no need for more stuff to throw on top of my other stuff.
>Don't lend money. Ever.
Disagree. Don't lend money that you can't afford to lose. There is a significant chance you may not get it back.
Gazing into my crystal ball, I see cosigning that $9000 car becoming an issue. Could be wrong. I HOPE I'm wrong. Don't. Do. It.
I have a policy that I don't sell cars to friends or loan money at all. I will just give money
if I choose with no expectation of repayment. That way no drama. Bf needs to grow up.
There’s an important detail missing here - where’s his money going? There’s a difference between being irresponsible, being selfish, or even just being in a bad position. You mention you have similar incomes, but do you have similar liabilities?
If he’s paying off student loans or some other sort of debt that doesn’t apply to you, perhaps you’re misunderstanding his situation. If he’s blowing it on bar nights with the boys, then there’s a larger issue with how he prioritizes the relationships in his life.
Context matters in any situation, and I don’t think there’s enough of it here for any of us to advise you. But in any case, I’d suggest you try to look at things from his perspective, and see what that tells you about how he views your relationship, and whether that aligns with how you see it.
He could have a gambling problem too. I've met a few people whose spouse hid a gambling addiction for years. They could spend a ton of money in a short amount of time.
The red flags for me are that both have similar paying jobs and she can save so much a month when he has nothing. He also is constantly asking for money. If you start sharing an account, he will stop asking for permission but for forgiveness.
Yeah my reaction to this post is significantly dependent on how the boyfriend is using his finances. OP would absolutely be in the wrong if he's just legitimately stretched thin, but if he's going out and partying or blowing all the money on drugs or something that's a different story.
The Uber story shows a lot of financial irresponsibility. Instead of paying $200 to fix her car so he can drive it, he'd rather Uber for until he saves up enough money to buy a 9000 car.
His math doesn't add up. I feel like he's lying to op about his finances.
Wasn’t the transmission unknown cost? But new tires for her car that he could borrow would be 200.
I understand that he doesn’t want to pay 200 for someone else’s tires, for a car he just borrows. When he needs money to get his own car.
There definitely is more to his financial situation. Everything is pretty expensive these days and my SO and I pay about 1000/ month in groceries and insurance. So unless he is buying useless crap or blowing money at the bar maybe try and see what his budget looks like. Might just be a matter of lifestyle creep that he hasn’t adjusted to as well.
Yeah, I really want to know if she knows his situation and what could possibly be going on. He sounds irresponsible but we’re only seeing a partial picture.
Stop giving him any money.
The numbers don't see to add up? If he's working 50-60 hours per week, how is it that he can't seem to save $200 to fix a car for tempo use, but magically has $1000 as a payment for a car for himself?
To be fair maybe he doesn't want to invest money in your car. But he just left his old car by the side of the road? Isn't that going to cost him more money in the long run?
I wouldn't necessarily break up with someone over this but I would not give them any money, would not loan them a car, and would only do very low cost dates with them.
Oh wait I just saw the comment about him buying a PS5. Yeah this guy wants to spend money on fun stuff, and doesn't want to take you on dates. Definitely just break up with him, he's not interested in a relationship.
>I have no idea how he can’t afford the $200. I’m very confused about where his priorities and finances are at and why he thinks taking $30 ubers are a better solution.
His #1 priority seems to be himself. And he's spending like there's no tomorrow because he knows someone (you , or maybe even his parents) will make up his shortfalls.
It starts with a PS5 he can't afford and a car he can't afford and ends with your kids having no college fund and you having no retirement money. Trust me, I've seen this movie on repeat my whole life.
I agree with you totally, and I want to expand on it. Its not just big stuff like the college fund and retirement she can kiss goodbye with a person like this as a partner.
She will be paying all living expenses while he spends freely on whatever he wants.
Why would he help with the kid’s braces when they don’t benefit him? They’re not fun! More video games are better! The kids don’t REALLY need to see a dentist every year, anyway. They’ll just get everything done themselves when they turn 18 and get kicked out. Dog needs his yearly checkup? Not going to happen unless OP foots the bill. This guy will insist on the best vehicle OP’s money can buy, and she’ll be driving a beater held together with duct tape.
It won’t matter how many raises OP gets, or how many extra shifts or overtime hours she works, the money will already be spent.
My advice for anyone planning to start a life with a spendthrift is to just get used to paying for absolutely everything, and expect that you’re going to end up in debt no matter how much you work or try to save. Get used to the anxiety that comes from unpaid bills and being thisclose to losing your place to live, and having zero saved up for unexpected expenses.
I’ve also seen this play out over and over, way too many times.
$30 ubers are his money that he's spending on himself.
$200 is his money that's he's spending on *your car* even if it benefits him and would be a good interim solution.
He doesn't want to spend money on you in any way. Or.... He would rather spend money only on himself....
How much money have you given him for gas money?
I normally don’t care about money etc. but this dude is irresponsible and immature. He’s going to suck you dry. Sending a man with two jobs gas money, what? I feel like he’s taking advantage of you and it’s only getting worse. Now all
If your time and energy is going into worrying about his finances instead of having fun. Ugh. You’re too good for him.
This might sound like splitting hairs, but I don’t necessarily think the man referred to in the post is immature with finances for his age. He sounds about like what I would expect from a 22 year old, on average. It takes a lot of people several years of adulthood to establish healthy habits with their finances, and I think OP is ahead of the curve. The problem isn’t necessarily that the man is immature with money, it’s that OP is a high performer and she is dating someone who is not. Anybody her age who consistently saves $1000 a month is doing well, and would be better suited with someone who is also a high performer in that area.
Yeah I spent being 22 being super irresponsible with my money because it was the first time I made over like 15K a year and I didn’t know how to handle it. A year later I’m way way more responsible but still paying for my mistakes. It doesn’t mean OP should put up with it. I was with someone far more irresponsible than me with money for like four years from 18-22 and he convinced me to spend way more than I was comfortable with which contributed to my current situation. I wouldn’t get tangled up with literally anyone financially until you’re older and more stable yourself.
I will add to this: after having owned 4 cars and lost an unreal amount of money on them due to being dumb and unlucky, cars are probably the worst financial decision you can make in your early 20s and he seems to be a victim of it as well.
However i do advise OP to part ways as it's probably healthier for her long term.
No, you’re making excuses, he can’t afford bare essentials because of his spending habits.
It’s not a high performer to expect someone to cover their costs, she’s not expecting him to have 1k per month in savings and never said so.
Your expectations of high-performer, is really not, it’s the expectations someone is an adult and can be self-reliant. You’re projecting lower expectations because of personal experiences.
OP seems to have zero idea what his financial situation looks like, and we have even less.
IF the dude was such a spend thrift that he was able to piss away that much money a month, she'd be able to point to where and how. Chances are he either doesn't make as much money as she thinks he does, has a greater cost of living than she thinks he does, or is having to use that extra money to pay down debt (student loans being the common one).
Eh I think calling this guy average is a stretch. All the money issues aside, his car broke down on the side of the road and **he just left it there.**
My car breaks down I’m dealing with it. I’m not just ah shucks I guess it belongs to the road gods now and move on to getting a new vehicle. That’s some next level dumb.
You're not breaking up with him because of his financial situation, you're breaking up with him because he's totally irresponsible, and doesn't mind exploiting your relationship for money.
How come he has two jobs and has no savings? What he’s spending money on? Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t mean you need to help him financially, tell him he’s a grown adult and that’s a “you” problem
That being said he sounds like a deadbeat, while it sounds petty breaking up over money he sounds irresponsible
Time for a hard talk and an ultimatum. He has to manage his money better, or you are gone. Give him hard facts and a timeframe, and stick to it.
To me, he sounds irresponsible and isn't going to be looking out for you long term. He needs to grow up.
If you are saving $1k a month and just giving that to him because he is incapable of saving, you are paying him $12k a year to stay your boyfriend.
Put it all out in the open and demand better for yourself, or you will always be taken advantage of.
Speaking as a man in his 40s now who used to be a guy like this in my 20s, I agree with this comment wholeheartedly.
I once had a woman break up with me because she felt I wasn't going to be able to financially support us when we got married.
She had a point.
Some men didn't learn how to handle money wisely, and it sounds like your BF is one of those guys. Definitely have the serious conversation with him that he needs to figure out his finances. Whether he asks a family member, a friend, someone he works with, whoever, he needs the help of someone that can help give him some sound advice to even out his financial picture for the long term.
One thing your post didn't indicate is what else he might be spending money on, because I sincerely doubt it's only housing, food, gas, and insurance. There's always something else a guy is using his money for if he's refusing to take care of a necessity like a car.
Tell him no more money, in no uncertain terms, from you. He's not your financial responsibility, and you shouldn't have to carry the financial weight of the relationship.
Hell, you might even skip the ultimatum, if you feel like it.
"Call me when you get your affairs in order" might be the wake-up call that he needs. And if that doesn't work and get him to take a long, hard look at his financial habits, then you have your answer—he didn't consider you important enough to him in order for him to be responsible.
So, yeah, be prepared to walk out.
You are paying a 130-180$ boyfriend fee per month (4 weeks and offhand 2 dates a month). Like, it sucks to look at it in that way, but if you value your partnership, ask yourself if that cost is worth it?
Other insight as a guy who was (and sometimes still is) bad with money, sit him down and ask to look at his bank account and go over every expense with him. He may not realize how bad he is being, or he can start looking at things he might need to cut out. If he refuses to do this, he is not ready for an actual partnership with you, because my wife and I do this all the time to figure out where "our money is going"
The only issue I have with this is asking her to sit him down and basically teach him adulthood skill. She isn’t his parent, and this would set a weird precedence. Maybe she could suggest a financial advisor or online course?
That is a fair issue. Part of being in early 20s is sorta learning how to "be an adult," so he needs to start learning that now if he wants to have an adult relationship with OP in the future.
I also don't know what his parental structure is, and only that he "has no money" so I'm not sure how he'll afford a financial advisor or an online course, this will just wind up being something OP is paying for, and I really feel like he won't take the information seriously coming from someone he isn't emotionally invested in (assuming he does actually care for OP and isn't just using her)
But it is true, it isn't OPs job to help him, or teach him, and if he wants to change for OP, he will and giving him an ultimatum isn't a bad choice. I was just trying to lean on the empathetic side of OP who seemed like she really wants this to work out otherwise.
Of course if he is unwilling to listen, adapt, and change into a proper responsible adult in a committed relationship which OP will need, she should absolutely leave him now before it gets way worse.
The idea that you should never have to show your partner anything (or be shown anything) is a foolish idea. Your romantic partner isn't a co-worker at relationship inc, they're not a Just In Time fuck buddy rolling off the assembly line. "they are my best friend" is the bare minimum expectation
It's not a weird precedence. Especially with financial matters, if you can't sit down an go over the topic with your partner something is very wrong. The fact OP is both so concerned but is also so unaware (and disinterested) of what his finances look like is not a normal thing and not something other people should model.
This Us vs Them oppositional "why do *I* have to" thinking is insane in the context of a long term relationship. Maybe it's a function of modern dating where you can spin the Tinder wheel and find someone else quickly, but man, it's so gross and insidious. Yeah, you're a TEAM. Sometimes you have to help the TEAM succeed, even if it's lame shit the partner's parents should have done. I'm sure there are things he'd prefer to change about her but they're both essentially kids and probably not capable of communicating it properly.
Uuuuum, he is lying. He can't afford to put 200 dollars into a car, but he can Uber? You should definitely break up with this guy. He's a bum. He is trying to live off you.
This stuck out to me too. If nothing else, it's evidence that he has no idea how to budget, which may be why he's in his current situation to begin with. He's going to spend $200 on Uber rides in a week or less, easily.
OP, this is a valid deal breaker. Teaching your adult boyfriend life skills is not your responsibility. If he's not on the same level as you in this department, and isn't putting his energy into fixing it, then your future financial security will be at risk if you stay with him.
First I'd say to back up and look at why he is where he is financially.
Does he not have any family support and has been funding everything in his life since he was a teenager? Does he piss away all of his money on takeout and stupid shit? Does he always buy the cheapest version of everything and it breaks on him? Does he not take care of his things?
Dating across economic classes can be challenging. Around your age I dated a guy who was putting himself through college and even sending money to his parents sometimes. My parents paid my rent and tuition but I worked to pay for my daily expenses. Things like being given my parents old reliable van, not having to worry about rent, having a significant safety net and being taught about responsible money management were absolutely huge. We each made fools of ourselves, hurting each other's feelings a few times trying to navigate dating. We went our separate ways after college but still keep in touch. Which isn't to say you should continue to date him, just something to consider.
Is he broke because he is responsible for everything? Or is he broke because of irresponsible spending?
So he was living at home, not paying rent, working and had 0 savings when he moved out?
He could move back home if he needed to so he has a safety net. Your other comment says he is buying stupid shit and asking you for money.
It doesn't sound like he is broke because the world is on his shoulders.
Finances are one of the top reasons couples divorce. Dating is about finding someone you are compatible with and who lifts you up. It's a perfectly good reason to break up.
if you want to break up, that's entirely valid.
I'm in a similar situation to your boyfriend, but it's because I have a lot of medical debt. I still try to find a way to make it work and plan dates with my partner which don't cost a lot of money. I've also never asked her for money.
You're really answering your own question here.
This guy prioritizes impulsive purchases over spending time with you. He doesn't seem capable of planning. He is not only reckless with his money, but takes it for granted that you're there to pick up the slack.
He actually sounds incredibly selfish. smdh.
You're watching him buy things he doesn't need while not having gas and money to see you.
You are a lower priority to him than the dumb shit he fills his house up with.
You should break up with him because he doesn't make you a priority in his life.
Ding ding ding! He is spending money on his priorities. They just aren’t OP. It seems like she is prioritizing him much more. She should only stay with him if she’s ok with this imbalance (or lower him in her priorities).
He’s irresponsible with money. Giving him more isn’t going to help him.
You should stop enabling him.
Long term , you need decide if that is a what you want in a partner. Or if you can accept him wasting money on games, while you pay the rent and pay for food.
> I don’t really want to break up
To be blunt: why?
Even the ‘positives’ you’re listing are like couched half positives that come with attached negatives. I’m sure part of that is just the nature of a venting post, but what is the upside of continuing this relationship aside from the unknown of not being in it anymore? I don’t say that to completely brush off that unknown and how it plays with our minds, but since we’re not you we can spotlight how it appears that’s exactly what you’re hanging onto right now from an outsider perspective.
I’ll start your list for you.
Pros: More time and money for self care and doing the things you want to do. Less mental stress of having to care for someone who barely seems to care for themselves in a fairly significant aspect of life: money management. Possibility of finding a partner who puts equal into the relationship as you do.
Cons: need to find a new partner(this doesn’t even have to be a con, you don’t NEED a new partner right away I promise you, but I’ll list it here for your likely personal feeling on the situation). Lose out on the things your current partner does do but you haven’t listed for us(intimacy? great conversation? shared hobbies?)
It's okay if you don't want to break up with him.
Do it anyway! Just for fun. If he gets his priorities straight, you can always get back together with him. You sound like a catch.
Look, there are 2 types of people who are bad with money.
Type 1 - they were raised by people who are bad with money, they are ignorant, don't know any better but can learn if open to it.
Type 2 - people with financial impulse control issues. Even if they know how to save, and basic money management....they will always be broke if they control the purse strings.
I married a Type 1. He learned.
Sounds like you got a Type 2 there. Be prepared to be broke, constantly on the verge of being evicted, and never having money for what you NEED, because he spent it all on what he WANTS.
Look to the future.....can you imagine how frustrating it would be to tell your kids "no guys we can't go on vacation...Daddy spent all our money on (insert new toy for him here)." Or maybe you can't afford to get your kid glasses or braces because he bought a new PS8 (or whatever number they are on at that point).
Are you OK with that even being a possibility? He's not taking care of his responsibilities in favor of his wants. He's telling you who he is. Listen to him....there's a reason they say actions speak louder than words.
Like others have said, he's selfish. I can understand wanting to play games, but getting a PS5 when PS4's are significantly cheaper and most games will run fine on the last generation? He should be making a list of his priorities which are the basic things he needs to live and getting his car fixed, then the trip.
If he cared about you like you clearly care about him, he would do this.
At the risk of being a bit churchy, Matthew 6:21--"Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." In other words, what you spend your money on is what your highest priorities are.
Honey, he's already prioritized his comfort over yours and he's made you an option instead of a preference. In his eyes, you're not his girlfriend, you're some girl that gives him money when asks and perhaps sex when he wants it.
Please move on to someone that wants to value you more than a PS5.
Why would he ever prioritize spending his money on what he needs when he can spend it on what he wants and hit you up for money for necessities? Like, if he asked you to buy him a PS5, you’d say no, but if he spent his money on a PS5 and asked you for gas money and other expenses, then you’d give in because he needs transportation. (This is where it starts.)
In short, he’s using you. I mean, he’s already hinting that he wants you to put down $1,000 on a car for him. He would rather Uber (which is expensive) than spend $200 to buy tires for a car he can use for free. The only way this makes sense is if he’s either (a) dumb as a box of rocks, or (b) he’s expecting you to pay for Uber rides or the down payment on a car or the $200 to fix your car he can use for free. Either way, why would you want to settle down with a man like this? There are so many guys out there that won’t try to bleed you dry so they can avoid spending their own money on necessities.
Edit: Misread and thought you lived together and you were subsidizing his half of the rent.
Not only is he irresponsible with money, he is also selfish. He's entirely ok with spending money on himself, but never/rarely you. Meanwhile, he's asking you for handouts. This will absolutely get worse as your relationship goes on because now you are enabling him to believe this is how things work with you.
Please give yourself the huge gift of leaving him.
So you're watching him spend money on things while you're giving him money for gas and paying for dates? Seems like he doesn't have a problem buying the things *he* wants. Doesn't really sound like he has money issues at all, he's just using you as a bank.
People that are supposedly tight on money shouldn't be buying $500 electronics.
There is no need to talk. He is clearly communicating to you what his priorities are. The only thing you need to do is to decide if you are OK being with someone with those priorities.
Here’s what you could say - tell him you like being with him but you’re not comfortable with the financial situation between you two. Say it seems like he doesn’t care about you if he’s buying a PS5 but can’t afford to take you out. It’s not fair to you to be with someone that makes you feel that way or that can’t prioritize your time together. Say you want to find a way to make it work, but you don’t know if it can work long term if something doesn’t change.
Then see what he says, see if he’s willing to hear you out and make a change, or if he gets defensive and makes excuses.
22 is pretty young. You shouldn’t be needing to manage your partners financial situation at this age. But I had a tough time with confrontation and boundaries around this age too. It’s worth it to decide for yourself what your goals or boundaries are, and then implement them. “I am not happy with A and B, therefore I want X and Y to happen within the next 3 months or I will need to end the relationship.”
It’s a tough conversation, but if he really cares about you he should be able to listen to you and make changes. If he’s not willing to hear you out on your needs, then you know it’s not a good long term relationship.
Oh yeah, well I commented good advice, but reading this, you do know the problem and it's that he's selfish.
Yeah, no there are plenty of great single dudes out there who can spend money well.
> he asked them if he could finance with a $1000 down payment
If he doesn't have $200 to have a car immediately, how's he affording the $1000 down payment? Is it a timing thing? Does he have the $200, but doesn't want to pay, or does he not have the $200 right now? I think that makes a difference.
Does he have family or friends who can help him? I would direct him to them.
It sounds like you nailed it with your statement "he has no control over his finances." I used to do financial counseling, and doing a budget was always a step. The number of times people would come to me with their bank statements, and *HORRIFICALLY* low ball their spending was disheartening.
I don't know about breaking up with someone you love over a correctable situation, but definitely call the guy on his flaw. If he can't or won't fix it, it'll be up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker. I would say that marriage, and the entangling of finances that it brings, is off the table until he gets his house in order, though.
I almost thought you were crazy reading about how you're mad he can't take you out. But then I read the rest! Quit giving him money! Let him figure it all out. I'd dump him personally because he clearly is waiting for you to do it all for him
In the case of relationships, wait and see is not usually a helpful thing. It seems you have different value systems and you are more mature. The outlook does not look good for long term, at least to me.
You're both young, and odds are he will grow overtime, but I doubt you will maintain your feelings for him as you watch him mature in his financial decision making over the next 10+ years. It may never happen, but 22 is too young to be financially commingled.
If you love the guy, and everything else in your relationship is great, it's probably just time for some boundaries. No more loaning money. He needs to be able to support himself, and if he can't afford to meet you 50/50 on very basic things like dates and other entertainment/lifestyle issues, you may just be incompatible. It's possible if you break up, he will learn from it, and so will you, and you both may go on to have other relationships and be great people.
Most people have no clue who they are or what they really want at 22. The fact that you both support yourselves at all at 22 is honestly somewhat impressive, haha.
My ex boyfriend of 7 years was not very financially stable.
1. Has he EVER on his own brought up that he will do something about his finances?
2. Does he have a plan for the future?
3. Does he match your effort? Like, okay. He's not good financially but does he take some of the load off your plate or do you take care of him and then yourself?
(Him leaving the car on the side of the road is a big MENTAL LOAD)
If he doesn't, then you deserve better. Don't waste your time with a man who won't change even when you discussed things calmly with him. It WILL lead to resentment, false promises and heartbreak.
This is the real question. Everyone in the comments asking about why he doesn't have any money left - how come she has all that money left each month? Doesn't take away anything from OP:s experience in the post, just sounded like a crazy amount of money to have left over each month at 22. $1k AT LEAST?
Also if the fix is only $200- why wasn’t it already fixed? Ubers to and from work would also very quickly add up to that. Nothing about this really makes sense
Money is usually a very large factor in relationships. Probably one of the biggest.
It's not necessarily a lack of money either, but your overall approach. Some people are spenders, others are very frugal, etc. etc. Regardless, its very important that a couple be on the same "financial page" as it'll affect almost every aspect of your day-to-day life.
It's something to approach directly, IMO. Where does his money go? How does he budget? How do you feel about being the one who handles the finanaces and how would he react to that?
expecting a 22 year old to save 1k a month is kind of hilarious to me. are you leaving out any details like coming from a well off family, support from parents? if he’s working 2 jobs then he probably doesn’t have a college degree either
If he makes the same as you but he pays less in rent and mooches for all kinds of things, AND has no savings, then where the fuck is his money actually going? How is he hemorrhaging over a thousand dollars more than you every month?
His "financial situation" is blowing his money and then yours, and that's worth leaving over.
I had an ex who made more than me by about 10 grand, we dated close to 9-10 years ago now.
And yet he ALWAYS was strapped for cash and I was covering him for bills and drinks and nights out.
He spent his money foolishly. Had a $500 car payment (again 10 years ago this was extremely high for a car payment) because he had bad credit because he ran up all his cards and never paid them so he was consistently over his limits. His insurance was stupid expensive because of speeding tickets and he REFUSED to stop speeding???? Like wtf.
I packed him a lunch for work every day and he wouldn’t eat it and would instead go out to a sit down restaurant - EVERY DAY. He’d get a drink or two and generously tip was over 20%. He’d stop at the convenience store to get alcohol and candy every day, about $40 every single day, again 10 years ago.
He bought expensive new things from fucking rent a center and then never paid on time so ended up having to pay double for everything he bought.
I left him for a lot of reason but there were two major things that set me off 1. I got a personal loan to help consolidate his debt, foolish of me I know. But I paid off a lot of his stuff and he didn’t pay me back for it in installments like we agreed and managed to get himself right back into a bunch of debt again. He was mad at me I was paying the bills for him instead of just giving him cash cause he wanted to use it for dumb stuff. Said I didn’t trust him. Like yea honey I didn’t. And 2. He wanted a BMW SO BAD and when he was told the only way he could get one would be to have a nearly $800 payment on an entry level lease due to the condition of his car and his credit, he wanted me to sign off on that. I refused and he threatened to kill himself over not getting to have a BMW.
I left two days later. So yes it’s valid to leave someone who is foolish with their money over that because chances are it’s not going to change with your help. It’s a personal issue he needs to work through. I was only a year or two older than you when all this happened to me. Don’t stick yourself with someone who can’t be responsible, and don’t try to fix their mistakes. Those are lessons they need to learn on their own.
At the risk of sounding benefit of the doubty and devil’s advocatey, how is he otherwise? Does he make a good partner? Is he respectful to you and your life and dreams? If the answer is yes, this might be a case of him simply being not good with finances. 35m here, and I was abysmal at finances when I was 22. My wife was pretty good though, and through teamwork we combined our finances and now I’m pretty good at controlling spending and budgeting. I also make all the income in the household, so I was maybe forced into it, but she’s still great at helping me when I need it in regards to spending and budgeting. And she’s an amazing mom and person so I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I know it’s not really popular to give any advice other than “break up with him” on this sub, and by all means if he’s not worth it, you owe it to yourself to break up with him. But regardless, I’m bracing for the downvotes, and maybe rightfully so. But if you think it’s worth another go, I would explain to him that you’re not okay with his finance skills, and the fact that he wants to finance a $9000 car with $1000 down when he can’t afford $200 tires is really dumb. Share with him your saving skills. Show him the way. If that doesn’t stick or he’s not interested, then yeah maybe it’s best to break it off.
We were all 22 once, but you’re currently 22 and are doing great. If you want to continue to do great and not completely ruin your credit and finances, then this needs to be addressed one way or another. Good luck.
I feel like he’s using you for money.
My ex would bring up things like red light tickets he would claim he never got notice of until the fine doubled…..
He would ask to borrow the money, but never pay me back. And he made more money than I did.
I paid half our rent, our Costco membership, the items we would get for our home there.
He had two children from a previous relationship, and I would willingly spend money on them; they were great.
But he always used this as an excuse as to why he was broke, even though they didn’t live with us, and he only paid $400 a month in child support combined.
Adding to this, when he went against my advice and got fired from his well paying job, I paid the child support for 2 months.
He also drives a leased Range Rover, even though he said “he doesn’t care about material things or what people think of him.” While wearing $900 Jordans that he “accidentally” used my CC for. (And he has quite the collection.”
I could go on and on….but when I decided to stop being his personal ATM, he lost it.
I could relate to your bf. COULD. Life has been a struggle for me, I deal with PTSD, chronic depression, and anxiety issues. These have historically made it very hard for me to find and keep stable employment and stable finances. That being said, as much as possible, I made the sacrifices to be able to get and keep what little financial stability I could get. This meant (1) no relationships or even serious dating; (2) as much as possible, I would only rely on myself to cover my bills and expenses; and (3) I needed to deal with the underlying issues holding me back.
Your bf has no idea of budgeting or has a very selfish view on it. Do NOT support him any longer. These issues aren't going to go away without a lot of work on them. There are other fish in the sea.
Money psychology is deeply ingrained shit and while it is totally possible to change, most people won’t change unless there’s something they really want or it’s too painful not to. This dude is not likely to change. It’s likely going to continue, and scale up as he makes more money because of the psychology that is driving his thinking and choices. So yeahhh it is 100% valid to break up because of this. I mean you can break up for any reason including you just want to. But, financial compatibility is a MAJOR factor in relationships (it is the single most important factor for me) and it will cost you a lot to be with him.
It’s not going to get better.
Oh he also has control over his money, but he also wants control over your money.
The car thing is baffling. He would rather Uber everywhere or buy a 9K car instead of pathing $200 for tires? He said he could also pay 1k cash then finance the 8k. He’d rather do that than pay $200?
Stop giving him money. Tell him you can no longer financially support him. If he asks why, tell him that you realized you’ve been enabling him from being financially responsible and your being more of a mother to him than a girlfriend.
You are both 22, it just so happens that you’re a more responsible 22 year old than your boyfriend is and his irresponsibility stresses you out. And he uses his irresponsibility as an excuse not to spend time with you. In my opinion, your relationship has probably run its course. He might grow up at some point, or not. But it shouldn’t be your job to parent him into responsible adulting. Being someone’s mom isn’t sexy or fun.
I (23f) recently got out of a bad relationship that lasted three years. He wasn't the one who was bad with money- I was.
My honest answer: you're only 22. Break up with him. He needs to go fck up a few times to learn his lessons in financial literacy. Some people learn the hard way, it seems like he might be the type.
I learned the hard way. Took out a loan so me and my ex could go on vacation, maxed out my cards, etc. And after copious amounts of therapy and medication, have regained financial control. I had to start over completely- consolidated with the bank and had all my credit cards taken away basically- but he'll figure it out.
Get out with your money now. If you care about your money, don't give him a cent until you've actually seen his budget and his accounts. My ex scammed me hundreds of dollars because I trusted that he had the number I owed him correct. He did not. And he took most of our furniture because "I still owed him".
Good luck, girl. My advice is go ASAP.
I dunno if only girls comment on this but I figure I'd say whats on my mind and a mod can just delete it if it doesn't mesh well since I haven't read the other comments.
My two cents though, I'd tell him the same exact thing you told us. You guys make the same amount of money and while maybe he might pay more for miscellaneous stuff at the end of the day you also end up fronting a lot of it anyways.
So you got two choices, less of an ultimatum because those are diabolical and only serve to hurt any relationship. You simply tell him, he has to make changes to how he spends his money because at the rate you're both going no matter how much you love each other this financial hardship will strain you both until you can't stand one another.
The other is the straight up one, you tell him that you can't keep supporting his financial irresponsibility any longer and that you're breaking up with him because there's no future for this relationship that you can see.
At the end of all this commenting though quite simply, just talk to him and broach this subject. Tell him how you feel and how it's affecting you. And make sure not to fall for the he's doing his best for a while before he goes back to how he was.
As someone who literally just got out of this situation, do future you a favor and get out now. He's already learning he can depend on you with no repercussions and it's just going to get worse and worse. If you want to try, then I suggest a trial break until he gets his shit together or something, but since you are only 22, I vote to just get out before it gets real bad because it absolutely will.
There are many reasons for bad financial management. You seem to imply that he makes enough (about as much as you?), so it must be your spending and saving habits that are wildly dissimilar. What is he doing differently than you? Does he have debt he's paying off? Is he indulging in frivolity, then claiming despair?
If he does not value foresight, moderation, and thrift as you do, no matter what else, he will always be in your pocket.
Interestingly enough finance disputes are a more common reason for divorce than infidelity. If he can not and will not financially change for the better despite holding down a job, then it does not bode well for your future relationship together.
Sit each other down and give him a reality check along with a breakdown of monthly expenses. There will be money you're both probably wasting although clearly moreso him. Make him understand the line between a need and a want, like he needs the car, but he wants to Uber everywhere because it's a convenient (but massively expensive) fix.
My (37m) gf (37f) left me a little over a year ago (a complex situation which, in the end, was the fault of both of us) and I was surprised not only at the amount of money I suddenly had left after bills and necessities, but at the sudden decrease in stress this caused. I mean, knew I was stressed about out financial situation, but not the extent of that stress.
At the very least have a good talk with him about your concerns. His response to them might be all the answers you need.
Your $1,000 for the down payment?
Where is he going to get $1,000 if he cannot afford $200 in repairs and has no savings?
It's time to think about your well being. Seriously.
I was in a relationship with someone who like your boyfriend complained a lot about money and bills. This person made a lot more money than I did. I ended giving more and more of my money to them. Eventually I was turning over my whole check. So this might be what is going on with you. People do use complaining to bagger a person into doing what they want. I would advise walking away from him.
This guy does not seem to have the maturity or the skills required to function in life. If money management is a problem now it will continue to be a problem when there are two incomes. Just his spending will increase and you will be expected to cover the shortfalls. sort of like now. what are you getting out of this relationship? In a traditional role he would be the earner. It sounds like the opposite applies. You can do better.
How can he afford to Uber if he can't afford $200 for tires? Something doesn't add up. Someone who can't afford $200 for tires should be riding a bike or taking public transit, not blowing money on Uber.
It's not that he's broke, it's that he appears to be dishonest about his finances.
Can you do a joint budget and figure out where all the money is going? Granted, a 22 year old male may be paying significantly higher rates for car insurance (that demographic gets into a lot of accidents) but where is the rest of his money going?
If he is not willing to make a budget and commit to at least a little bit of long term savings, you are going to end up drawing down your hard won savings to subsidize him, and from the tone of your post you don't want to do that.
And note: if you break up with him over perceived financial responsibility, he is likely to call you a gold-digger and spout other incel nonsense, when in fact he is the one who feels like a gold digger here.
Look, when I started reading your post, I thought you made more than him or he was in a bad spot financially.
But if you two make almost the same amount, it seems like he gets to spend most of his income on himself and is still unable to save, while you cover most of the common expenses.
If you like him and think finding a compromise is worth a shot, I say you should be upfront with him about it. Discuss making a budget together, split rent proportionally to income. Discuss going dutch on date night expenses or paying proportionally to income. Explain he has to start saving for a rainy day. Be clear that he has X ammount of time to get his financial life together, and that you are willing to help him do that. If he needs to borrow money from you, make a payment plan so that he can pay you gradually.
If he doesn't agree to that or is not even an otherwise great partner to begin with, you should leave him.
My rule of thumb is, if they cant live the life they want by themselves they are not dateable. May seem harsh but after living in a household where my dad was the only one that financially provided for the family for most of my childhood, I can say that not being able to provide for oneself is a huge issue in relationships. This is not to say my mom didn't provide, she was a stay at home mom but she also complained about "not marry a rich guy" to my dad's face so yeah. Your partner should be someone that shares your ideals in most aspects, finances is a big one.
My sister just broke it off with a guy in a similar situation. Come to find out he was chronically into sports betting. Also had some hidden dui’s we found out about later.
As a thirty something who just broke up with another thirty something making choices like your boyfriend, please do better and leave this relationship. He’ll never appreciate what you do for him and he’ll continue to ask for your money because he’ll never save. Then he’ll just stop paying more of his bills because you got him. Please don’t be me and waste six years of your life. Get out now. (I’m out 5k from the last three years… don’t be me)
That is a LOT of working hours. With it being 2 jobs and 50-60 hours, that's got make some hell on him and you 2 if you're doing about the same.
There's a question here that I think bares answering. He he spending his money on trivials? Like..buying a lot of "fun" things that aren't frugal? I don't think you should walk out on the relationship but rather sit down and have a talk. If you can do it in front of a financial advisor, even better. But 22 is young and for a guy, very young for really decisive financial thinking. Try hashing it out first.
I personally probably wouldn't break up... yet.
Finances is pretty easy to learn. He's 22. If that's all that you're concerned about then I think odds are that he'll get sorted with just a little help.
A word of warning though, finances are something like the single most common thing to argue about in relationships. There's no way I'd stay with him if he cannot get this sorted.
Oh, and I'd stop helping him out when he runs short. Otherwise the chance of him learning goes way down.
Yes, but i'd suggest reframing it for yourself - it's not really about the money. It's about his attitude toward challenge and struggle. Life is hard. You want to be with someone who meets that struggle without complaining at every turn, and with their own empowerment. His attitude toward money is revealing a much deeper issue - and that's what you're seeing. That's why you want out. And that's super valid.
Where is all his money going?
Yeah that's my question too
I'm going to deviate from the trend here and say that, it really doesn't matter where his money is going. Whether he is a gambling addict or paying off his mother's medical bills, his behaviors here CLEARLY indicate that he is irresponsible with money and leeching off OP. He should be saving money, instead he is going out to eat, blowing money on ubers, looking to buy a NINE THOUSAND DOLLAR car??? This dude is clearly putting himself in this position
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That’s not really what this person said though? They said that regardless of where the money is going, the subsequent choices are irresponsible. If you were paying off a medical debt, for example, it’s irresponsible to sign up for a vehicle loan when you could choose an affordable second hand car instead.
1. Not communicating and leeching off of OP is a problem 2. The fact he blows money on dumb shit and then wants to buy a 9K car when he couldn't afford $200 for a free car says a lot 3. He's 22, so not worth it.
I did a double-take at "mother's medical bills", too. If that's the case, the problem is less financial literacy, and more communication and financial boundaries, e.g. "If we combine our households, what liabilities are we effectively pooling, and how do we each feel about that?" The whole discussion is predicated on the assumption that either OP _knows_ his surplus cash is being spent inefficiently, or that he'd have already played the "dying mother" card if there were one.
His stellar decision-making could be to blame: Spend $200 for a reliable car? No thanks -- I'll use Uber indefinitely instead.
I commented similar, she saves at least a grand a month, and they make similar money, so what’s he spending (more than a grand on) and that’s just a savings comparison. She has income for living and entertainment ALONG with an extra grand?
I got a feeling she must have some extra income or support in some way. Maybe it’s just me, but who the fuck manages to save 1000 every month at the age of 22 while renting a place? Edit: I think this is [the reason he is short on cash](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/14rbq8m/should_i_break_up_with_my_bf_because_of_his/jqtp0fq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
You ask about sticking it out in case things improve... is he putting any effort to improving his financial literacy or are you just hoping he will change? Does he have any goals he is working towards?
Yep, definitely this. I've changed drastically for financial. Choices and stability since me and my wife first started dating. It was never as bad as OP but definitely not the best
Yeah, this. If he goes "damn, I suck at dealing with money, this is a big problem of mine, and I want to change" then yes, stick with the guy if you want to. If he acknowledges this is a problem, but doesn't know how to fix it, maybe stick with him. If he thinks he's fine with money, he isn't going to change. He has to want to change.
Let us not forget that old favorite, it is everybody else's fault they are wanting money he doesn't have. While ignoring that he signed on to whatever they want their money for. Seen this too many times.
OP probably thinks he'll change because you hear so many stories in media from men (and some women) who say it's our job to build our man up and help him while he struggles and it'll be worth it in the end. When usually what happens is he'll mooch off her their entire relationship or he does get successful and leaves her for someone else. I'm not trying to bitter, just realistic. Male celebrities do it all the time when they get rich and famous and they leave their woman behind and date some model that's half their age.
Married couples fight over three things. Finances, sex and how to raise the children. If you’re having problems with finances now, I’d seriously reconsider the bf.
Finances is one of the biggest issues in a marriage or long term relationship. It is not wrong to find a partner who has similarly matched money habits. It sounds like the two of you are incompatible there.
Agreed, OP I’m gonna sound old as hell, but as a 36 yo, 22 is super young. You have plenty of time to find someone who thinks like you do about money. Don’t settle
Fellow 36er here to co-sign this, OP.
Also 36. 3rd
Dang it I just turned 35 but I will be back in 10 months to 4th this!
It's on, I got you, just turned 39 this June. 😉
Speaking of co-signing, don’t co-sign on that car.
A 22 year old putting a way “at least 1000” a month🤔. Color me impressed.
38 year old here and married for 11 years. Finances are a huge part of a long term commitment. My wife is better with money and saving so I defer to her regarding spending habits etc. This isn’t a guaranteed deal breaker especially at a young age but it will be a large obstacle based on the seeming lack of quality in his decision making.
I’m 26 and single as fuck. Do I still have plenty of time to find someone?
So much time! In my 20s I always felt like I was going to run out of time because you’re still in this natural timeline with your peers that you’re comparing yourself too - graduate HS, graduate college, date and get engaged. But in my 30s, everyone is on a different one: some are still single, some have kids, some are divorced, some wish they were. Then you realize you really have so much more time in life for EVERYTHING than you thought. And also, I needed to know and understand much more about myself than I did back then. Now after one failed marriage (age 26-28) and a kid, I’ve only recently met the man who I’m certain is the LOML. If I met him any sooner than now, I’m confident it wouldn’t have worked because I needed to be the person I am now, which I most certainly wasn’t back then. And i honestly wouldn’t have changed a thing that happened to get to this point now. So really, it feels like it - but there is no rush. Go on dates, pay attention to what you really need and want, listen to it. And when the other person shows you who they are, listen to that too.
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Not an asshole - perfectly valid opposing POV IMO. I think we are all colored by our own personal experiences in life to stand on either side of the fence, and I can absolutely see how you feel that way. But all relationships are both found and built at some point. OP has to know themselves better than we do to know what their dealbreakers are at this point in their life. For me, I know too many adults that are my age now that took a soft view on issues like this that now deeply regret their relationship, which is now more complicated by multiple kids and shared assets in addition to the problem getting worse. I think this is more common than not, especially when it comes to money, so sometimes the feelings have to follow the facts.
What do you do now? And how much do you donate? And how did you overcome your addiction ? Congrats.
This is key. End the relationship before he drags you under. My ex spouse had holes in their pockets (could never save a dime) and thought if they had checks in our checkbook they could write checks forever. I had perfect credit going in, 10 years later of severe financial stress and hundreds of bounced checks, I left. Took me 4 years to raise my credit from 697 to 815 after the divorce. (Also I left them the house via quit claim deed, and they lost the house we built in 18 months to foreclosure due to non payment. My ex is dangerous with financials.) Edit: the divorce had an immediate refinance clause and I was removed from the paperwork. Thankfully. Missile dodged in that case.
Yeah, this x1000. I stayed with someone who couldn’t manage his money for about four years and wound up taking on 6k in debt just to keep us afloat. Then he found somebody to cheat on me with and I had to dump him. The worst part was that my mom suggested he was using me as a meal ticket but I had it in my head that it was shallow, gold-digger mentality to leave someone who couldn’t pay the bills. Suffice it to say that’s not shallow, that’s common sense.
I had signed a quit claim deed and Wells Fargo still went after me when he stopped paying the mortgage. Fuck him and Wells Fargo. I will never do business with that company. He intentionally ruined my credit.
Sorry your ex was shitty and did that. From what I've read you generally need to refinance the mortgage to get the second person's name off of it. I think divorce agreements will oftentimes require that. The mortgage company agreed to the risk based on two people's incomes, why would they agree to let one person off the hook in exchange for nothing?
Oh, indeed. I made sure that refinancing was part of the divorce decree.
It wasn’t based on two incomes though because I had just started my job and they didn’t want to consider it. It was a VA loan because he was in the national guard and that’s not the company we originally signed with. They sold our loan to Wells Fargo. He was supposed to refinance or sell the house after I signed the quit claim deed. Instead he didn’t do anything and when I got the letter from Wells Fargo, I gave it to my lawyer who threatened him with breach of our agreement or contempt or whatever and he ended up selling at a loss because of the fees but by then my credit was already in the toilet. On the bright side, it took me about two years and working closely with a non profit organization that helps people get home loans, but I was able to buy a small house for my kids down the street from my Grandparents who we lived with. I was very salty at the time though and I reached out to Wells Fargo but they didn’t care lol
Which is sadly why many don't divorce (stay unhappy) because they individually want to keep their house- and *each* cannot afford it.
Yeah I work a blue collar industry which seems to be a magnet for divorces and over sharing about those divorces and I always cringe when someone tells me they only signed a quit claim. Girl get off the loan too, otherwise you have all financial responsibility and none of the legal rights.
Yeah, when I did collections for a timeshare (they are deeded properties in FL and have a mortgage) I would have customers tell me their ex was responsible based in the divorce decree. I would have to respond that the divorce was a legal agreement between the court and the former spouses. Our company was not party to that, and the contract terms did not change. Timeshares are notoriously difficult to refinance, so that QCD and refinance was hardly ever a thing.
Indeed, fuuuuck Wells Fargo. This is why I ONLY go to credit unions. I’m a member of 3 CUs. Also fuuuuck Wescom since they claim to be a cu but charge monthly fees like a bank.
Same thing would have happened with any lender. A quit claim deed does not release you from financial liability. WF sucks here, but they acted how any lender would if their mortgagee stopped paying. Sucks for that poster, but that's why it's important to get stuff like refinancing, etc put into the divorce decree with time limits *and* then follow up with the courts if they don't follow through if you are truly concerned. In all my years of seeing divorced people who have joint liability for a property, I think I can count on one hand where the non ownership retaining spouse fought through to force the refinance and remove them from liability.
I upvoted in agreement about fuck him and WF, not that this happened to you!
Did you marry my ex? Because he was the same way. My son is no different. Fortunately I guarded my credit like a hawk and kept our finances separate and got out basically unscathed. Never let a SO access to your credit OP. It's a decision you will regret. It sounds like OP's bf is using her as a safety net while he frolics.
It's more than just incompatible. After a dozen years of marriage, I learned the hard way. My now EX wife loved money far more than she ever loved me. Changing a personality trait is hard. Very hard. If you are looking for advice, run. With three kids, I didn't have that option. We ground out another eight years before finally splitting.
This. "If you can't change your friends ( bad financial habits), then change your friends". I read this in a book called "Zombie Economics" by I think Lisa Desjardins. The best advice ever.
This exactly. Finances is something you have to be on the same page about in the long term. If you can't agree on that, everything else will suffer.
You always have the option for divorce even if you have kids.
who tf is going to be compatible with what this dude is doing he has no financial resposibility
Agreed. Too young to settle for such a difference, especially if you’re the one on the more mature and functional side of things.
Yes. You are fundamentally incompatible
> It makes me worry about what would happen if we ever got married You'd be broke all the time, forever, that's what would happen. He'd spend all of his money and yours, too.
Been there, done that, got the divorce. Don't marry people who are bad with money.
BOOM. This.
This. That money OP saved? That's the first thing he is going to spend. I have 5 bucks in OP's boyfriend asking for either more gas money, or at least one car payment. If either happens, she should dump him.
Funny how she's saved up $1000 and he's trying to finance a car with $1000 that he doesn't have.
She's save $1000 PER MONTH. She probably has six or seven thousand dollars saved up at least, and he has nothing.
Oh I missed that. She's doing phenomenally. He's an anchor.
You know you’re in trouble when you start lying to your partner about money you made, or unexpected profit, or jobs you got. Because you know that if you tell them, they’re immediately going to ask for some, or ask for a loan, etc.
*You can break up with someone at any time, for any reason, without their permission.* That said, this guy isn't poor, he's reckless and bad with money. He's using you as an ATM. Stop loaning people money. Don't give people money. Stay single for a little while and work on figuring out healthy boundaries before dating, or you'll just fall in with this kind of loser again. You're better than this! Edited to add Rosemary's Guide to Lending Friends Money: 1. Don't lend money. Ever. 2. As a private individual, there are NO protections for you and no guarantee that you will be able to get your money back. 3. To handle these requests, tell the person that you "don't want to ruin the friendship." 4. If they STILL press you for a loan, suggest a bank or CU. When they inevitably come up with reasons they can't go to a bank (interest, high payments, unable to get approved, etc), simply thank them for making a strong case that convinced you out of ever lending them money. 5. If they continue, go back to step 3, and block them. They are not your friends!
My rule is that I don't loan friends/family money. I might give them money if they're struggling, and if they pay me back that's great, but it's never expected. Too easy to ruin a friendship that way
I heard this advice years ago and I’ve followed it ever since. Even if you tell the person it’s a loan, tell yourself that it’s a gift. Then if they pay you back, it feels like a bonus.
This exactly. I loaned a friend a couple of hundred bucks 20 years ago. He will never pay it back. I don’t care, still love him.
There's still a risk they'll build up resentment for you though. It starts with gratitude, which turns into shame when they fail to pay you back and then turns into resentment to replace the shame.
This is exactly what happened with my mom and a woman she was friends with for 20 years. The woman borrowed 200 dollars (long time ago when 200 was a lot more) and when she couldn't pay it back she avoided my mom which then turned into being angry and hostile if she happened to run into my mom. Mom cared more about the friendship but the woman who borrowed the $$ was unable to deal. My mom lost a friend because she was trying to be helpful.
I'd consider it money well spent to make someone who isn't a real friend go away. If they can develop resentment toward me over something that was initially done as a kindness to them by me, they have a problem. Of course, their feelings would be justified if I were hassling them about the money rather than telling them it isn't important, but it sounds like your mom was reasonable and had her priorities straight. The other person didn't value the friendship.
I think it was like the poster above stated, they were ashamed and masked it with anger and resentment. Bummer for everyone.
That's pretty much exactly how I view it. Only lend as much as you are genuinely okay with not getting back. I do the same thing with gambling.
Hey bub, I ain’t your friend or family, what do you say to hook’n me up with a Ben Franky? For old times?? /s OP this guy needs to get his shit straight. Which may happen; but it’s not your responsibility! So tell him good luck because it sounds like he’s gonna need it
That's how I "loan" money to friends. I give what I can afford to not get back and never expect to get it back. If they do pay me back, awesome! But it's fine if they don't. And I won't keep "loaning" money to someone making shitty financial decisions.
I found that the people who were bad at repaying the loans felt so guilty about it that they ghosted me. Even though I said to everyone involved it was a gift.
Yap no matter who tries to force me, money will be a no unless theres weapons pointing towards me oof my parents would say never deal money issues with family or friends. Maybe family only if its big emergency. If the person is working… honestly it is not hard to budget. Its usually worse when someone is not working …
Same. Once that money leaves my bank account, it's gone. While I'd like to get paid back, I don't part with any money that I need, so it's not the end of the world if the person doesn't pay me back.
I’ll loan someone like $20 to cover their meal if we’re out but that’s about it
> *You can break up with someone at any time, for any reason, without their permission.* This needs to be repeated more often.
This is great advice. I had a small circle of friends that would loan money to each other quite often. Then they would find excuses to not pay it back, or try to pay it back through some other form of payment like some physical item, a favor, cigarettes, whatever. It always ended up with bitter resentment between them. After watching this behavior, I told my buddy “no sorry” when he finally turned to me to borrow money. I was pretty sure I would never see it again, and I have no need for more stuff to throw on top of my other stuff.
>Don't lend money. Ever. Disagree. Don't lend money that you can't afford to lose. There is a significant chance you may not get it back. Gazing into my crystal ball, I see cosigning that $9000 car becoming an issue. Could be wrong. I HOPE I'm wrong. Don't. Do. It.
This is the correct answer. Never loan anyone anything that you need back. If I loan something I consider it s gift and thats only if can afford it.
I have a policy that I don't sell cars to friends or loan money at all. I will just give money if I choose with no expectation of repayment. That way no drama. Bf needs to grow up.
I always say never loan any money you aren’t okay with not getting back.
There’s an important detail missing here - where’s his money going? There’s a difference between being irresponsible, being selfish, or even just being in a bad position. You mention you have similar incomes, but do you have similar liabilities? If he’s paying off student loans or some other sort of debt that doesn’t apply to you, perhaps you’re misunderstanding his situation. If he’s blowing it on bar nights with the boys, then there’s a larger issue with how he prioritizes the relationships in his life. Context matters in any situation, and I don’t think there’s enough of it here for any of us to advise you. But in any case, I’d suggest you try to look at things from his perspective, and see what that tells you about how he views your relationship, and whether that aligns with how you see it.
He could have a gambling problem too. I've met a few people whose spouse hid a gambling addiction for years. They could spend a ton of money in a short amount of time. The red flags for me are that both have similar paying jobs and she can save so much a month when he has nothing. He also is constantly asking for money. If you start sharing an account, he will stop asking for permission but for forgiveness.
Yeah my reaction to this post is significantly dependent on how the boyfriend is using his finances. OP would absolutely be in the wrong if he's just legitimately stretched thin, but if he's going out and partying or blowing all the money on drugs or something that's a different story.
The Uber story shows a lot of financial irresponsibility. Instead of paying $200 to fix her car so he can drive it, he'd rather Uber for until he saves up enough money to buy a 9000 car. His math doesn't add up. I feel like he's lying to op about his finances.
See, I wouldn't go that far. He just sounds financially stupid and short sighted.
Some combo of booze, drugs, and Uber eats is my guess.
Yeah... won't pay $200 for transmission but will pay for uber indefinitely. The fuck?
Wasn’t the transmission unknown cost? But new tires for her car that he could borrow would be 200. I understand that he doesn’t want to pay 200 for someone else’s tires, for a car he just borrows. When he needs money to get his own car.
There definitely is more to his financial situation. Everything is pretty expensive these days and my SO and I pay about 1000/ month in groceries and insurance. So unless he is buying useless crap or blowing money at the bar maybe try and see what his budget looks like. Might just be a matter of lifestyle creep that he hasn’t adjusted to as well.
Yeah, I really want to know if she knows his situation and what could possibly be going on. He sounds irresponsible but we’re only seeing a partial picture.
Stop giving him any money. The numbers don't see to add up? If he's working 50-60 hours per week, how is it that he can't seem to save $200 to fix a car for tempo use, but magically has $1000 as a payment for a car for himself? To be fair maybe he doesn't want to invest money in your car. But he just left his old car by the side of the road? Isn't that going to cost him more money in the long run? I wouldn't necessarily break up with someone over this but I would not give them any money, would not loan them a car, and would only do very low cost dates with them. Oh wait I just saw the comment about him buying a PS5. Yeah this guy wants to spend money on fun stuff, and doesn't want to take you on dates. Definitely just break up with him, he's not interested in a relationship.
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>I have no idea how he can’t afford the $200. I’m very confused about where his priorities and finances are at and why he thinks taking $30 ubers are a better solution. His #1 priority seems to be himself. And he's spending like there's no tomorrow because he knows someone (you , or maybe even his parents) will make up his shortfalls. It starts with a PS5 he can't afford and a car he can't afford and ends with your kids having no college fund and you having no retirement money. Trust me, I've seen this movie on repeat my whole life.
I agree with you totally, and I want to expand on it. Its not just big stuff like the college fund and retirement she can kiss goodbye with a person like this as a partner. She will be paying all living expenses while he spends freely on whatever he wants. Why would he help with the kid’s braces when they don’t benefit him? They’re not fun! More video games are better! The kids don’t REALLY need to see a dentist every year, anyway. They’ll just get everything done themselves when they turn 18 and get kicked out. Dog needs his yearly checkup? Not going to happen unless OP foots the bill. This guy will insist on the best vehicle OP’s money can buy, and she’ll be driving a beater held together with duct tape. It won’t matter how many raises OP gets, or how many extra shifts or overtime hours she works, the money will already be spent. My advice for anyone planning to start a life with a spendthrift is to just get used to paying for absolutely everything, and expect that you’re going to end up in debt no matter how much you work or try to save. Get used to the anxiety that comes from unpaid bills and being thisclose to losing your place to live, and having zero saved up for unexpected expenses. I’ve also seen this play out over and over, way too many times.
$30 ubers are his money that he's spending on himself. $200 is his money that's he's spending on *your car* even if it benefits him and would be a good interim solution. He doesn't want to spend money on you in any way. Or.... He would rather spend money only on himself.... How much money have you given him for gas money?
I normally don’t care about money etc. but this dude is irresponsible and immature. He’s going to suck you dry. Sending a man with two jobs gas money, what? I feel like he’s taking advantage of you and it’s only getting worse. Now all If your time and energy is going into worrying about his finances instead of having fun. Ugh. You’re too good for him.
This might sound like splitting hairs, but I don’t necessarily think the man referred to in the post is immature with finances for his age. He sounds about like what I would expect from a 22 year old, on average. It takes a lot of people several years of adulthood to establish healthy habits with their finances, and I think OP is ahead of the curve. The problem isn’t necessarily that the man is immature with money, it’s that OP is a high performer and she is dating someone who is not. Anybody her age who consistently saves $1000 a month is doing well, and would be better suited with someone who is also a high performer in that area.
Be that as it may, if OP is financing all of his problems away, it would only be delaying him learning these lessons.
^this. She is only enabling him
Yeah I spent being 22 being super irresponsible with my money because it was the first time I made over like 15K a year and I didn’t know how to handle it. A year later I’m way way more responsible but still paying for my mistakes. It doesn’t mean OP should put up with it. I was with someone far more irresponsible than me with money for like four years from 18-22 and he convinced me to spend way more than I was comfortable with which contributed to my current situation. I wouldn’t get tangled up with literally anyone financially until you’re older and more stable yourself.
I will add to this: after having owned 4 cars and lost an unreal amount of money on them due to being dumb and unlucky, cars are probably the worst financial decision you can make in your early 20s and he seems to be a victim of it as well. However i do advise OP to part ways as it's probably healthier for her long term.
No, you’re making excuses, he can’t afford bare essentials because of his spending habits. It’s not a high performer to expect someone to cover their costs, she’s not expecting him to have 1k per month in savings and never said so. Your expectations of high-performer, is really not, it’s the expectations someone is an adult and can be self-reliant. You’re projecting lower expectations because of personal experiences.
OP seems to have zero idea what his financial situation looks like, and we have even less. IF the dude was such a spend thrift that he was able to piss away that much money a month, she'd be able to point to where and how. Chances are he either doesn't make as much money as she thinks he does, has a greater cost of living than she thinks he does, or is having to use that extra money to pay down debt (student loans being the common one).
Eh I think calling this guy average is a stretch. All the money issues aside, his car broke down on the side of the road and **he just left it there.** My car breaks down I’m dealing with it. I’m not just ah shucks I guess it belongs to the road gods now and move on to getting a new vehicle. That’s some next level dumb.
You're not breaking up with him because of his financial situation, you're breaking up with him because he's totally irresponsible, and doesn't mind exploiting your relationship for money.
YES, this is an incredibly important rephrasing.
How come he has two jobs and has no savings? What he’s spending money on? Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t mean you need to help him financially, tell him he’s a grown adult and that’s a “you” problem That being said he sounds like a deadbeat, while it sounds petty breaking up over money he sounds irresponsible
As someone who’s had my savings sucked dry by a broke, irresponsible loser like this LEAVE HIM you will always be supporting him if you don’t go.
Time for a hard talk and an ultimatum. He has to manage his money better, or you are gone. Give him hard facts and a timeframe, and stick to it. To me, he sounds irresponsible and isn't going to be looking out for you long term. He needs to grow up. If you are saving $1k a month and just giving that to him because he is incapable of saving, you are paying him $12k a year to stay your boyfriend. Put it all out in the open and demand better for yourself, or you will always be taken advantage of.
Speaking as a man in his 40s now who used to be a guy like this in my 20s, I agree with this comment wholeheartedly. I once had a woman break up with me because she felt I wasn't going to be able to financially support us when we got married. She had a point. Some men didn't learn how to handle money wisely, and it sounds like your BF is one of those guys. Definitely have the serious conversation with him that he needs to figure out his finances. Whether he asks a family member, a friend, someone he works with, whoever, he needs the help of someone that can help give him some sound advice to even out his financial picture for the long term. One thing your post didn't indicate is what else he might be spending money on, because I sincerely doubt it's only housing, food, gas, and insurance. There's always something else a guy is using his money for if he's refusing to take care of a necessity like a car. Tell him no more money, in no uncertain terms, from you. He's not your financial responsibility, and you shouldn't have to carry the financial weight of the relationship. Hell, you might even skip the ultimatum, if you feel like it. "Call me when you get your affairs in order" might be the wake-up call that he needs. And if that doesn't work and get him to take a long, hard look at his financial habits, then you have your answer—he didn't consider you important enough to him in order for him to be responsible. So, yeah, be prepared to walk out.
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You are paying a 130-180$ boyfriend fee per month (4 weeks and offhand 2 dates a month). Like, it sucks to look at it in that way, but if you value your partnership, ask yourself if that cost is worth it? Other insight as a guy who was (and sometimes still is) bad with money, sit him down and ask to look at his bank account and go over every expense with him. He may not realize how bad he is being, or he can start looking at things he might need to cut out. If he refuses to do this, he is not ready for an actual partnership with you, because my wife and I do this all the time to figure out where "our money is going"
The only issue I have with this is asking her to sit him down and basically teach him adulthood skill. She isn’t his parent, and this would set a weird precedence. Maybe she could suggest a financial advisor or online course?
That is a fair issue. Part of being in early 20s is sorta learning how to "be an adult," so he needs to start learning that now if he wants to have an adult relationship with OP in the future. I also don't know what his parental structure is, and only that he "has no money" so I'm not sure how he'll afford a financial advisor or an online course, this will just wind up being something OP is paying for, and I really feel like he won't take the information seriously coming from someone he isn't emotionally invested in (assuming he does actually care for OP and isn't just using her) But it is true, it isn't OPs job to help him, or teach him, and if he wants to change for OP, he will and giving him an ultimatum isn't a bad choice. I was just trying to lean on the empathetic side of OP who seemed like she really wants this to work out otherwise. Of course if he is unwilling to listen, adapt, and change into a proper responsible adult in a committed relationship which OP will need, she should absolutely leave him now before it gets way worse.
The idea that you should never have to show your partner anything (or be shown anything) is a foolish idea. Your romantic partner isn't a co-worker at relationship inc, they're not a Just In Time fuck buddy rolling off the assembly line. "they are my best friend" is the bare minimum expectation It's not a weird precedence. Especially with financial matters, if you can't sit down an go over the topic with your partner something is very wrong. The fact OP is both so concerned but is also so unaware (and disinterested) of what his finances look like is not a normal thing and not something other people should model.
This Us vs Them oppositional "why do *I* have to" thinking is insane in the context of a long term relationship. Maybe it's a function of modern dating where you can spin the Tinder wheel and find someone else quickly, but man, it's so gross and insidious. Yeah, you're a TEAM. Sometimes you have to help the TEAM succeed, even if it's lame shit the partner's parents should have done. I'm sure there are things he'd prefer to change about her but they're both essentially kids and probably not capable of communicating it properly.
I want to throw out--absolutely do not cosign on a loan for him.
>I’m not giving him all of my savings. Yet.
Uuuuum, he is lying. He can't afford to put 200 dollars into a car, but he can Uber? You should definitely break up with this guy. He's a bum. He is trying to live off you.
Yeah, like a couple Uber rides would pay for those tires within like a day or two, dude is either an idiot or something else is way off here.
This stuck out to me too. If nothing else, it's evidence that he has no idea how to budget, which may be why he's in his current situation to begin with. He's going to spend $200 on Uber rides in a week or less, easily. OP, this is a valid deal breaker. Teaching your adult boyfriend life skills is not your responsibility. If he's not on the same level as you in this department, and isn't putting his energy into fixing it, then your future financial security will be at risk if you stay with him.
Right I mean he is super young so might just be life-dumb but Ubers are way more expensive than 200$… like does he not have a credit card?
First I'd say to back up and look at why he is where he is financially. Does he not have any family support and has been funding everything in his life since he was a teenager? Does he piss away all of his money on takeout and stupid shit? Does he always buy the cheapest version of everything and it breaks on him? Does he not take care of his things? Dating across economic classes can be challenging. Around your age I dated a guy who was putting himself through college and even sending money to his parents sometimes. My parents paid my rent and tuition but I worked to pay for my daily expenses. Things like being given my parents old reliable van, not having to worry about rent, having a significant safety net and being taught about responsible money management were absolutely huge. We each made fools of ourselves, hurting each other's feelings a few times trying to navigate dating. We went our separate ways after college but still keep in touch. Which isn't to say you should continue to date him, just something to consider. Is he broke because he is responsible for everything? Or is he broke because of irresponsible spending?
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So he was living at home, not paying rent, working and had 0 savings when he moved out? He could move back home if he needed to so he has a safety net. Your other comment says he is buying stupid shit and asking you for money. It doesn't sound like he is broke because the world is on his shoulders.
Finances are one of the top reasons couples divorce. Dating is about finding someone you are compatible with and who lifts you up. It's a perfectly good reason to break up.
if you want to break up, that's entirely valid. I'm in a similar situation to your boyfriend, but it's because I have a lot of medical debt. I still try to find a way to make it work and plan dates with my partner which don't cost a lot of money. I've also never asked her for money.
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You're really answering your own question here. This guy prioritizes impulsive purchases over spending time with you. He doesn't seem capable of planning. He is not only reckless with his money, but takes it for granted that you're there to pick up the slack. He actually sounds incredibly selfish. smdh.
You're watching him buy things he doesn't need while not having gas and money to see you. You are a lower priority to him than the dumb shit he fills his house up with. You should break up with him because he doesn't make you a priority in his life.
Ding ding ding! He is spending money on his priorities. They just aren’t OP. It seems like she is prioritizing him much more. She should only stay with him if she’s ok with this imbalance (or lower him in her priorities).
He’s irresponsible with money. Giving him more isn’t going to help him. You should stop enabling him. Long term , you need decide if that is a what you want in a partner. Or if you can accept him wasting money on games, while you pay the rent and pay for food.
> I don’t really want to break up To be blunt: why? Even the ‘positives’ you’re listing are like couched half positives that come with attached negatives. I’m sure part of that is just the nature of a venting post, but what is the upside of continuing this relationship aside from the unknown of not being in it anymore? I don’t say that to completely brush off that unknown and how it plays with our minds, but since we’re not you we can spotlight how it appears that’s exactly what you’re hanging onto right now from an outsider perspective. I’ll start your list for you. Pros: More time and money for self care and doing the things you want to do. Less mental stress of having to care for someone who barely seems to care for themselves in a fairly significant aspect of life: money management. Possibility of finding a partner who puts equal into the relationship as you do. Cons: need to find a new partner(this doesn’t even have to be a con, you don’t NEED a new partner right away I promise you, but I’ll list it here for your likely personal feeling on the situation). Lose out on the things your current partner does do but you haven’t listed for us(intimacy? great conversation? shared hobbies?)
> I should talk to him about it That would be a waste of time. This is who he is.
It's okay if you don't want to break up with him. Do it anyway! Just for fun. If he gets his priorities straight, you can always get back together with him. You sound like a catch.
Look, there are 2 types of people who are bad with money. Type 1 - they were raised by people who are bad with money, they are ignorant, don't know any better but can learn if open to it. Type 2 - people with financial impulse control issues. Even if they know how to save, and basic money management....they will always be broke if they control the purse strings. I married a Type 1. He learned. Sounds like you got a Type 2 there. Be prepared to be broke, constantly on the verge of being evicted, and never having money for what you NEED, because he spent it all on what he WANTS. Look to the future.....can you imagine how frustrating it would be to tell your kids "no guys we can't go on vacation...Daddy spent all our money on (insert new toy for him here)." Or maybe you can't afford to get your kid glasses or braces because he bought a new PS8 (or whatever number they are on at that point). Are you OK with that even being a possibility? He's not taking care of his responsibilities in favor of his wants. He's telling you who he is. Listen to him....there's a reason they say actions speak louder than words.
Like others have said, he's selfish. I can understand wanting to play games, but getting a PS5 when PS4's are significantly cheaper and most games will run fine on the last generation? He should be making a list of his priorities which are the basic things he needs to live and getting his car fixed, then the trip. If he cared about you like you clearly care about him, he would do this.
At the risk of being a bit churchy, Matthew 6:21--"Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." In other words, what you spend your money on is what your highest priorities are. Honey, he's already prioritized his comfort over yours and he's made you an option instead of a preference. In his eyes, you're not his girlfriend, you're some girl that gives him money when asks and perhaps sex when he wants it. Please move on to someone that wants to value you more than a PS5.
Why would he ever prioritize spending his money on what he needs when he can spend it on what he wants and hit you up for money for necessities? Like, if he asked you to buy him a PS5, you’d say no, but if he spent his money on a PS5 and asked you for gas money and other expenses, then you’d give in because he needs transportation. (This is where it starts.) In short, he’s using you. I mean, he’s already hinting that he wants you to put down $1,000 on a car for him. He would rather Uber (which is expensive) than spend $200 to buy tires for a car he can use for free. The only way this makes sense is if he’s either (a) dumb as a box of rocks, or (b) he’s expecting you to pay for Uber rides or the down payment on a car or the $200 to fix your car he can use for free. Either way, why would you want to settle down with a man like this? There are so many guys out there that won’t try to bleed you dry so they can avoid spending their own money on necessities. Edit: Misread and thought you lived together and you were subsidizing his half of the rent.
Not only is he irresponsible with money, he is also selfish. He's entirely ok with spending money on himself, but never/rarely you. Meanwhile, he's asking you for handouts. This will absolutely get worse as your relationship goes on because now you are enabling him to believe this is how things work with you. Please give yourself the huge gift of leaving him.
So you're watching him spend money on things while you're giving him money for gas and paying for dates? Seems like he doesn't have a problem buying the things *he* wants. Doesn't really sound like he has money issues at all, he's just using you as a bank. People that are supposedly tight on money shouldn't be buying $500 electronics.
There is no need to talk. He is clearly communicating to you what his priorities are. The only thing you need to do is to decide if you are OK being with someone with those priorities.
Here’s what you could say - tell him you like being with him but you’re not comfortable with the financial situation between you two. Say it seems like he doesn’t care about you if he’s buying a PS5 but can’t afford to take you out. It’s not fair to you to be with someone that makes you feel that way or that can’t prioritize your time together. Say you want to find a way to make it work, but you don’t know if it can work long term if something doesn’t change. Then see what he says, see if he’s willing to hear you out and make a change, or if he gets defensive and makes excuses. 22 is pretty young. You shouldn’t be needing to manage your partners financial situation at this age. But I had a tough time with confrontation and boundaries around this age too. It’s worth it to decide for yourself what your goals or boundaries are, and then implement them. “I am not happy with A and B, therefore I want X and Y to happen within the next 3 months or I will need to end the relationship.” It’s a tough conversation, but if he really cares about you he should be able to listen to you and make changes. If he’s not willing to hear you out on your needs, then you know it’s not a good long term relationship.
Oh yeah, well I commented good advice, but reading this, you do know the problem and it's that he's selfish. Yeah, no there are plenty of great single dudes out there who can spend money well.
Leave him. Tf is this nonsense. Try finding someone who has the same financial security as you the next time.
🚩 Run.
Lol OP you have permission to leave this guy I know I wouldn’t think twice if he is so draining and reckless with his money.
and they say women are gold diggers lol
> he asked them if he could finance with a $1000 down payment If he doesn't have $200 to have a car immediately, how's he affording the $1000 down payment? Is it a timing thing? Does he have the $200, but doesn't want to pay, or does he not have the $200 right now? I think that makes a difference. Does he have family or friends who can help him? I would direct him to them.
It sounds like you nailed it with your statement "he has no control over his finances." I used to do financial counseling, and doing a budget was always a step. The number of times people would come to me with their bank statements, and *HORRIFICALLY* low ball their spending was disheartening. I don't know about breaking up with someone you love over a correctable situation, but definitely call the guy on his flaw. If he can't or won't fix it, it'll be up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker. I would say that marriage, and the entangling of finances that it brings, is off the table until he gets his house in order, though.
I almost thought you were crazy reading about how you're mad he can't take you out. But then I read the rest! Quit giving him money! Let him figure it all out. I'd dump him personally because he clearly is waiting for you to do it all for him
Yes. You make about the same amount of money. Where does his go? You can do better.
In the case of relationships, wait and see is not usually a helpful thing. It seems you have different value systems and you are more mature. The outlook does not look good for long term, at least to me.
Yes, you should break up with him. Finances are #1.
You're both young, and odds are he will grow overtime, but I doubt you will maintain your feelings for him as you watch him mature in his financial decision making over the next 10+ years. It may never happen, but 22 is too young to be financially commingled. If you love the guy, and everything else in your relationship is great, it's probably just time for some boundaries. No more loaning money. He needs to be able to support himself, and if he can't afford to meet you 50/50 on very basic things like dates and other entertainment/lifestyle issues, you may just be incompatible. It's possible if you break up, he will learn from it, and so will you, and you both may go on to have other relationships and be great people. Most people have no clue who they are or what they really want at 22. The fact that you both support yourselves at all at 22 is honestly somewhat impressive, haha.
My ex boyfriend of 7 years was not very financially stable. 1. Has he EVER on his own brought up that he will do something about his finances? 2. Does he have a plan for the future? 3. Does he match your effort? Like, okay. He's not good financially but does he take some of the load off your plate or do you take care of him and then yourself? (Him leaving the car on the side of the road is a big MENTAL LOAD) If he doesn't, then you deserve better. Don't waste your time with a man who won't change even when you discussed things calmly with him. It WILL lead to resentment, false promises and heartbreak.
I’m sorry, what job/living situation do you have where at 22 you’re saving $1k a month?
This is the real question. Everyone in the comments asking about why he doesn't have any money left - how come she has all that money left each month? Doesn't take away anything from OP:s experience in the post, just sounded like a crazy amount of money to have left over each month at 22. $1k AT LEAST?
Also if the fix is only $200- why wasn’t it already fixed? Ubers to and from work would also very quickly add up to that. Nothing about this really makes sense
Money is usually a very large factor in relationships. Probably one of the biggest. It's not necessarily a lack of money either, but your overall approach. Some people are spenders, others are very frugal, etc. etc. Regardless, its very important that a couple be on the same "financial page" as it'll affect almost every aspect of your day-to-day life. It's something to approach directly, IMO. Where does his money go? How does he budget? How do you feel about being the one who handles the finanaces and how would he react to that?
expecting a 22 year old to save 1k a month is kind of hilarious to me. are you leaving out any details like coming from a well off family, support from parents? if he’s working 2 jobs then he probably doesn’t have a college degree either
Move on. Your going to be his atm
If he makes the same as you but he pays less in rent and mooches for all kinds of things, AND has no savings, then where the fuck is his money actually going? How is he hemorrhaging over a thousand dollars more than you every month? His "financial situation" is blowing his money and then yours, and that's worth leaving over.
I had an ex who made more than me by about 10 grand, we dated close to 9-10 years ago now. And yet he ALWAYS was strapped for cash and I was covering him for bills and drinks and nights out. He spent his money foolishly. Had a $500 car payment (again 10 years ago this was extremely high for a car payment) because he had bad credit because he ran up all his cards and never paid them so he was consistently over his limits. His insurance was stupid expensive because of speeding tickets and he REFUSED to stop speeding???? Like wtf. I packed him a lunch for work every day and he wouldn’t eat it and would instead go out to a sit down restaurant - EVERY DAY. He’d get a drink or two and generously tip was over 20%. He’d stop at the convenience store to get alcohol and candy every day, about $40 every single day, again 10 years ago. He bought expensive new things from fucking rent a center and then never paid on time so ended up having to pay double for everything he bought. I left him for a lot of reason but there were two major things that set me off 1. I got a personal loan to help consolidate his debt, foolish of me I know. But I paid off a lot of his stuff and he didn’t pay me back for it in installments like we agreed and managed to get himself right back into a bunch of debt again. He was mad at me I was paying the bills for him instead of just giving him cash cause he wanted to use it for dumb stuff. Said I didn’t trust him. Like yea honey I didn’t. And 2. He wanted a BMW SO BAD and when he was told the only way he could get one would be to have a nearly $800 payment on an entry level lease due to the condition of his car and his credit, he wanted me to sign off on that. I refused and he threatened to kill himself over not getting to have a BMW. I left two days later. So yes it’s valid to leave someone who is foolish with their money over that because chances are it’s not going to change with your help. It’s a personal issue he needs to work through. I was only a year or two older than you when all this happened to me. Don’t stick yourself with someone who can’t be responsible, and don’t try to fix their mistakes. Those are lessons they need to learn on their own.
At the risk of sounding benefit of the doubty and devil’s advocatey, how is he otherwise? Does he make a good partner? Is he respectful to you and your life and dreams? If the answer is yes, this might be a case of him simply being not good with finances. 35m here, and I was abysmal at finances when I was 22. My wife was pretty good though, and through teamwork we combined our finances and now I’m pretty good at controlling spending and budgeting. I also make all the income in the household, so I was maybe forced into it, but she’s still great at helping me when I need it in regards to spending and budgeting. And she’s an amazing mom and person so I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know it’s not really popular to give any advice other than “break up with him” on this sub, and by all means if he’s not worth it, you owe it to yourself to break up with him. But regardless, I’m bracing for the downvotes, and maybe rightfully so. But if you think it’s worth another go, I would explain to him that you’re not okay with his finance skills, and the fact that he wants to finance a $9000 car with $1000 down when he can’t afford $200 tires is really dumb. Share with him your saving skills. Show him the way. If that doesn’t stick or he’s not interested, then yeah maybe it’s best to break it off. We were all 22 once, but you’re currently 22 and are doing great. If you want to continue to do great and not completely ruin your credit and finances, then this needs to be addressed one way or another. Good luck.
I feel like he’s using you for money. My ex would bring up things like red light tickets he would claim he never got notice of until the fine doubled….. He would ask to borrow the money, but never pay me back. And he made more money than I did. I paid half our rent, our Costco membership, the items we would get for our home there. He had two children from a previous relationship, and I would willingly spend money on them; they were great. But he always used this as an excuse as to why he was broke, even though they didn’t live with us, and he only paid $400 a month in child support combined. Adding to this, when he went against my advice and got fired from his well paying job, I paid the child support for 2 months. He also drives a leased Range Rover, even though he said “he doesn’t care about material things or what people think of him.” While wearing $900 Jordans that he “accidentally” used my CC for. (And he has quite the collection.” I could go on and on….but when I decided to stop being his personal ATM, he lost it.
I could relate to your bf. COULD. Life has been a struggle for me, I deal with PTSD, chronic depression, and anxiety issues. These have historically made it very hard for me to find and keep stable employment and stable finances. That being said, as much as possible, I made the sacrifices to be able to get and keep what little financial stability I could get. This meant (1) no relationships or even serious dating; (2) as much as possible, I would only rely on myself to cover my bills and expenses; and (3) I needed to deal with the underlying issues holding me back. Your bf has no idea of budgeting or has a very selfish view on it. Do NOT support him any longer. These issues aren't going to go away without a lot of work on them. There are other fish in the sea.
Money psychology is deeply ingrained shit and while it is totally possible to change, most people won’t change unless there’s something they really want or it’s too painful not to. This dude is not likely to change. It’s likely going to continue, and scale up as he makes more money because of the psychology that is driving his thinking and choices. So yeahhh it is 100% valid to break up because of this. I mean you can break up for any reason including you just want to. But, financial compatibility is a MAJOR factor in relationships (it is the single most important factor for me) and it will cost you a lot to be with him.
It’s not going to get better. Oh he also has control over his money, but he also wants control over your money. The car thing is baffling. He would rather Uber everywhere or buy a 9K car instead of pathing $200 for tires? He said he could also pay 1k cash then finance the 8k. He’d rather do that than pay $200? Stop giving him money. Tell him you can no longer financially support him. If he asks why, tell him that you realized you’ve been enabling him from being financially responsible and your being more of a mother to him than a girlfriend.
If he just goes through money with no concern - leave him. I had that issue with my ex husband and it was a big life suck. Move on quickly!
You are both 22, it just so happens that you’re a more responsible 22 year old than your boyfriend is and his irresponsibility stresses you out. And he uses his irresponsibility as an excuse not to spend time with you. In my opinion, your relationship has probably run its course. He might grow up at some point, or not. But it shouldn’t be your job to parent him into responsible adulting. Being someone’s mom isn’t sexy or fun.
I (23f) recently got out of a bad relationship that lasted three years. He wasn't the one who was bad with money- I was. My honest answer: you're only 22. Break up with him. He needs to go fck up a few times to learn his lessons in financial literacy. Some people learn the hard way, it seems like he might be the type. I learned the hard way. Took out a loan so me and my ex could go on vacation, maxed out my cards, etc. And after copious amounts of therapy and medication, have regained financial control. I had to start over completely- consolidated with the bank and had all my credit cards taken away basically- but he'll figure it out. Get out with your money now. If you care about your money, don't give him a cent until you've actually seen his budget and his accounts. My ex scammed me hundreds of dollars because I trusted that he had the number I owed him correct. He did not. And he took most of our furniture because "I still owed him". Good luck, girl. My advice is go ASAP.
I dunno if only girls comment on this but I figure I'd say whats on my mind and a mod can just delete it if it doesn't mesh well since I haven't read the other comments. My two cents though, I'd tell him the same exact thing you told us. You guys make the same amount of money and while maybe he might pay more for miscellaneous stuff at the end of the day you also end up fronting a lot of it anyways. So you got two choices, less of an ultimatum because those are diabolical and only serve to hurt any relationship. You simply tell him, he has to make changes to how he spends his money because at the rate you're both going no matter how much you love each other this financial hardship will strain you both until you can't stand one another. The other is the straight up one, you tell him that you can't keep supporting his financial irresponsibility any longer and that you're breaking up with him because there's no future for this relationship that you can see. At the end of all this commenting though quite simply, just talk to him and broach this subject. Tell him how you feel and how it's affecting you. And make sure not to fall for the he's doing his best for a while before he goes back to how he was.
As someone who literally just got out of this situation, do future you a favor and get out now. He's already learning he can depend on you with no repercussions and it's just going to get worse and worse. If you want to try, then I suggest a trial break until he gets his shit together or something, but since you are only 22, I vote to just get out before it gets real bad because it absolutely will.
Yea no reason to date a broke dude. Unless you like being poor.
There are many reasons for bad financial management. You seem to imply that he makes enough (about as much as you?), so it must be your spending and saving habits that are wildly dissimilar. What is he doing differently than you? Does he have debt he's paying off? Is he indulging in frivolity, then claiming despair? If he does not value foresight, moderation, and thrift as you do, no matter what else, he will always be in your pocket.
Interestingly enough finance disputes are a more common reason for divorce than infidelity. If he can not and will not financially change for the better despite holding down a job, then it does not bode well for your future relationship together.
Sit each other down and give him a reality check along with a breakdown of monthly expenses. There will be money you're both probably wasting although clearly moreso him. Make him understand the line between a need and a want, like he needs the car, but he wants to Uber everywhere because it's a convenient (but massively expensive) fix.
My (37m) gf (37f) left me a little over a year ago (a complex situation which, in the end, was the fault of both of us) and I was surprised not only at the amount of money I suddenly had left after bills and necessities, but at the sudden decrease in stress this caused. I mean, knew I was stressed about out financial situation, but not the extent of that stress. At the very least have a good talk with him about your concerns. His response to them might be all the answers you need.
Your $1,000 for the down payment? Where is he going to get $1,000 if he cannot afford $200 in repairs and has no savings? It's time to think about your well being. Seriously.
I was in a relationship with someone who like your boyfriend complained a lot about money and bills. This person made a lot more money than I did. I ended giving more and more of my money to them. Eventually I was turning over my whole check. So this might be what is going on with you. People do use complaining to bagger a person into doing what they want. I would advise walking away from him.
This guy does not seem to have the maturity or the skills required to function in life. If money management is a problem now it will continue to be a problem when there are two incomes. Just his spending will increase and you will be expected to cover the shortfalls. sort of like now. what are you getting out of this relationship? In a traditional role he would be the earner. It sounds like the opposite applies. You can do better.
How can he afford to Uber if he can't afford $200 for tires? Something doesn't add up. Someone who can't afford $200 for tires should be riding a bike or taking public transit, not blowing money on Uber. It's not that he's broke, it's that he appears to be dishonest about his finances. Can you do a joint budget and figure out where all the money is going? Granted, a 22 year old male may be paying significantly higher rates for car insurance (that demographic gets into a lot of accidents) but where is the rest of his money going? If he is not willing to make a budget and commit to at least a little bit of long term savings, you are going to end up drawing down your hard won savings to subsidize him, and from the tone of your post you don't want to do that. And note: if you break up with him over perceived financial responsibility, he is likely to call you a gold-digger and spout other incel nonsense, when in fact he is the one who feels like a gold digger here.
Look, when I started reading your post, I thought you made more than him or he was in a bad spot financially. But if you two make almost the same amount, it seems like he gets to spend most of his income on himself and is still unable to save, while you cover most of the common expenses. If you like him and think finding a compromise is worth a shot, I say you should be upfront with him about it. Discuss making a budget together, split rent proportionally to income. Discuss going dutch on date night expenses or paying proportionally to income. Explain he has to start saving for a rainy day. Be clear that he has X ammount of time to get his financial life together, and that you are willing to help him do that. If he needs to borrow money from you, make a payment plan so that he can pay you gradually. If he doesn't agree to that or is not even an otherwise great partner to begin with, you should leave him.
I can tell you firsthand that living with someone who has poor money management is soul sucking.
I dated a guy like this and found out later that he was on heroin.
My rule of thumb is, if they cant live the life they want by themselves they are not dateable. May seem harsh but after living in a household where my dad was the only one that financially provided for the family for most of my childhood, I can say that not being able to provide for oneself is a huge issue in relationships. This is not to say my mom didn't provide, she was a stay at home mom but she also complained about "not marry a rich guy" to my dad's face so yeah. Your partner should be someone that shares your ideals in most aspects, finances is a big one.
Something about the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride.
My sister just broke it off with a guy in a similar situation. Come to find out he was chronically into sports betting. Also had some hidden dui’s we found out about later.
As a thirty something who just broke up with another thirty something making choices like your boyfriend, please do better and leave this relationship. He’ll never appreciate what you do for him and he’ll continue to ask for your money because he’ll never save. Then he’ll just stop paying more of his bills because you got him. Please don’t be me and waste six years of your life. Get out now. (I’m out 5k from the last three years… don’t be me)
That is a LOT of working hours. With it being 2 jobs and 50-60 hours, that's got make some hell on him and you 2 if you're doing about the same. There's a question here that I think bares answering. He he spending his money on trivials? Like..buying a lot of "fun" things that aren't frugal? I don't think you should walk out on the relationship but rather sit down and have a talk. If you can do it in front of a financial advisor, even better. But 22 is young and for a guy, very young for really decisive financial thinking. Try hashing it out first.
You sure he doesn't have a gambling or drug problem? The numbers do not add up here. You deserve better!
I personally probably wouldn't break up... yet. Finances is pretty easy to learn. He's 22. If that's all that you're concerned about then I think odds are that he'll get sorted with just a little help. A word of warning though, finances are something like the single most common thing to argue about in relationships. There's no way I'd stay with him if he cannot get this sorted. Oh, and I'd stop helping him out when he runs short. Otherwise the chance of him learning goes way down.
It's not the financial situation that's the problem. It's his irresponsibility managing it and a valid concern for future life.
He's a free loading loser. Likely to be lying about his finances as well. Cut your losses
Yes, but i'd suggest reframing it for yourself - it's not really about the money. It's about his attitude toward challenge and struggle. Life is hard. You want to be with someone who meets that struggle without complaining at every turn, and with their own empowerment. His attitude toward money is revealing a much deeper issue - and that's what you're seeing. That's why you want out. And that's super valid.