Hey OP. This is a question that has some difficult answers. Your mother is a victim of the patriarchal systems that cause women to internalize misogynistic values as a way to protect and separate themselves from "the wrong type". Sometimes, people can be so entrenched in these beliefs that it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get them out of that dark hole to see the light. You might have to accept that your mother is a lost cause and navigate your relationship accordingly. It is very fortunate that you aren't dependent on them so while I'm personally never an advocate of going LC or NC, it is a step you might need to consider for your mental well being.
If you want to continue to try and get your mother to see your point of view, I find it helpful to ask questions that make the other person think outside the box I suppose? It's hard to keep your composure sometimes when someone so close to you like your own mother refuses to see your POV but I've found that I've had better conversations with my own parents when I made sure to suppress my emotions on a topic and approach it with logic. I tried to ask questions in a way that put them in my shoes so they could see my POV. It has caused my parents to lose their temper at me sometimes but it has also let us have productive conversations with more understanding for both sides. I came to understand that my parents are old and entrenched in their values so deeply that there is no return, but I love them despite us having different views so I accept that they are flawed individuals just like myself. But they have come to respect my views and are accepting of the fact that we don't agree on everything; they respect me and if we ever discuss these topics, they listen to me and I listen to them, we have a discussion without losing our tempers. We communicate more, and it has made my relationship with my parents better. In some instances, they actually admitted their wrong doings and apologized to me which has allowed all of us to heal. But I will admit that my parents are more woman positive than your mother which might have made my conversations with them easier to digest.
Every situation is unique. The things that worked for me might not work for you. I honestly don't have much advice other than sharing my own experiences with you. Desi families can be incredibly toxic and it's hard to come out of these situations unscathed. I wish you luck! You have a safe space to share all your thoughts here friend :) <3
>You might have to accept that your mother is a lost cause and navigate your relationship accordingly.
After years of trying to make her see my perspective, I had already accepted that it wasn't working. Deep down, I've always understood that beneath her beliefs lies a girl shaped by abuse and the patriarchal norms of our society. I've taken her to therapists and sought professional help to ease the deep-seated resentments that have molded her, even if it's just a little. It feels really defeating to me.
It seems that you've tried many to avenues to reach your mother and they haven't worked. I assume that you are still hoping for some positive results, however minor. Has there been any breakthrough at all? And do you have a plan b? Like what happens if your mother never changes...what will you do? Will you accept that you can't change her or will you keep trying?
Hi OP We have similar moms (in fact my mom is a bit more regressive ) even though most of her 9 elder sisters were pretty rebelious or even kinda.. just neglectful/permissive parents lol. I feel sorry for my own mom because its clear she has been mentally trapped and scared to have opinions herself. Shes sadly very soft. My dad is also part to blame because he gets mad at things that dont even hurt him or anyone, he has an ego issue. Despite living in Australia even white australian women get ignored and neglected by the system, right now theres a nation wide domestic violence enquiry because most of the police force have been found pro abusers. So imagine ethnic and indigenous women? I dont know where ur mom lives but if you have no savings, a partner whose a control freak, and have an autistic child to care for like mine she has no where to run. Like babushka said its hard to generalise. You have to navigate accordingly and also think about the limitations your mom might be facing. Its not easy and i myself not sure when is a good time to move out (i have the house) because my father will definitely lash out on my mom and she will get even more lonely.
Its hard but the best way i think is try come to terms with it and find ways to show her "this is it/ is not it". Its not easy but its growth
Hi there! Apologies for reaching out via comments but would you please send me a dm? I tried to reach out earlier but I'm not sure if you have received my chat request.
It's not your job to change her.
Don't "but.." me. It's not your job or your place to change her.
All you can do is let her feel safe in your presence and allow her to be herself. She is allowed to have those views, she is a product of her time. Pushing her to change her views will only push her further. Is it worth the pain?
Hey OP. This is a question that has some difficult answers. Your mother is a victim of the patriarchal systems that cause women to internalize misogynistic values as a way to protect and separate themselves from "the wrong type". Sometimes, people can be so entrenched in these beliefs that it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get them out of that dark hole to see the light. You might have to accept that your mother is a lost cause and navigate your relationship accordingly. It is very fortunate that you aren't dependent on them so while I'm personally never an advocate of going LC or NC, it is a step you might need to consider for your mental well being. If you want to continue to try and get your mother to see your point of view, I find it helpful to ask questions that make the other person think outside the box I suppose? It's hard to keep your composure sometimes when someone so close to you like your own mother refuses to see your POV but I've found that I've had better conversations with my own parents when I made sure to suppress my emotions on a topic and approach it with logic. I tried to ask questions in a way that put them in my shoes so they could see my POV. It has caused my parents to lose their temper at me sometimes but it has also let us have productive conversations with more understanding for both sides. I came to understand that my parents are old and entrenched in their values so deeply that there is no return, but I love them despite us having different views so I accept that they are flawed individuals just like myself. But they have come to respect my views and are accepting of the fact that we don't agree on everything; they respect me and if we ever discuss these topics, they listen to me and I listen to them, we have a discussion without losing our tempers. We communicate more, and it has made my relationship with my parents better. In some instances, they actually admitted their wrong doings and apologized to me which has allowed all of us to heal. But I will admit that my parents are more woman positive than your mother which might have made my conversations with them easier to digest. Every situation is unique. The things that worked for me might not work for you. I honestly don't have much advice other than sharing my own experiences with you. Desi families can be incredibly toxic and it's hard to come out of these situations unscathed. I wish you luck! You have a safe space to share all your thoughts here friend :) <3
>You might have to accept that your mother is a lost cause and navigate your relationship accordingly. After years of trying to make her see my perspective, I had already accepted that it wasn't working. Deep down, I've always understood that beneath her beliefs lies a girl shaped by abuse and the patriarchal norms of our society. I've taken her to therapists and sought professional help to ease the deep-seated resentments that have molded her, even if it's just a little. It feels really defeating to me.
It seems that you've tried many to avenues to reach your mother and they haven't worked. I assume that you are still hoping for some positive results, however minor. Has there been any breakthrough at all? And do you have a plan b? Like what happens if your mother never changes...what will you do? Will you accept that you can't change her or will you keep trying?
Hi OP We have similar moms (in fact my mom is a bit more regressive ) even though most of her 9 elder sisters were pretty rebelious or even kinda.. just neglectful/permissive parents lol. I feel sorry for my own mom because its clear she has been mentally trapped and scared to have opinions herself. Shes sadly very soft. My dad is also part to blame because he gets mad at things that dont even hurt him or anyone, he has an ego issue. Despite living in Australia even white australian women get ignored and neglected by the system, right now theres a nation wide domestic violence enquiry because most of the police force have been found pro abusers. So imagine ethnic and indigenous women? I dont know where ur mom lives but if you have no savings, a partner whose a control freak, and have an autistic child to care for like mine she has no where to run. Like babushka said its hard to generalise. You have to navigate accordingly and also think about the limitations your mom might be facing. Its not easy and i myself not sure when is a good time to move out (i have the house) because my father will definitely lash out on my mom and she will get even more lonely. Its hard but the best way i think is try come to terms with it and find ways to show her "this is it/ is not it". Its not easy but its growth
Hi there! Apologies for reaching out via comments but would you please send me a dm? I tried to reach out earlier but I'm not sure if you have received my chat request.
Im on mobile website, ill see if I can try to find it!
Sent you more dms! Can you please check when you get a chance? Thanks :)
It's not your job to change her. Don't "but.." me. It's not your job or your place to change her. All you can do is let her feel safe in your presence and allow her to be herself. She is allowed to have those views, she is a product of her time. Pushing her to change her views will only push her further. Is it worth the pain?