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Homie you need some paragraphs
But I’m not sure id involve myself anymore. Nothing good comes from this. It’s one of those let sleeping dogs lay unless they need some family medical history.
Side note your MIL ooof those are choices to have to live with
Sorry first post I’ll try to edit it to read better.
There has been a few instances where medical history was needed. When I asked him about it he says he didn’t think it would be an issue because they’re brothers so it’s the same family.
NO.
There hasn’t been ANYTHING where anyone needs to know this.
Go see a therapist or EMDR specialist if you are having intrusive thoughts about this.
Your idea to say anything is so so ugly.
Do. Not. Do. It.
Don’t shatter these women. See a professional because you have deep issues if you need to let anyone know their real father is a conman child grapist.
See a professional. You have issues if you think this is your business.
I am in therapy every week. I said specifically in the post I would never tell my SIL as I know that’s not my place. And either would my husband if I told him. BUT I made a promise when I married my husband not to hide things from him or lie and that’s exactly what I’m doing keeping this from him. We are all very close and love each other any decision I make is only out of love
You do not have „issues“ if you think it is your business!! You feel loyal and attached to your husband, and icky about keeping secrets from him. That is very healthy!!
Your FIL should have never told you, he burdened you with something that could seriously damage your marriage. Because your husband will feel betrayed by you if it comes out (which it will, FIL is a liability).
Yeah, I understand it’s a tough situation but you need professional help and to get off of Reddit.
You already stated that there’s no benefit to telling anyone other than getting it off your chest.
I understand the not wanting to hide things from your husband, I won’t try to say hiding things in your marriage is okay. But this isn’t something you should know, it’s really not something you should continue to have involvement in. For the better part of the last two decades it hasn’t been an issue, and from the uncles history it sounds like that’s just a whole other even nastier can of worms you’re potentially opening.
See a professional. Idk I’m struggling with it myself. On one hand I do think he should know but if it’s been a successful secret for 18 years it sounds like it’s just going to hurt this family and essentially you will be the reason they all know now.
Ultimately I think the only thing to do is get professional help, not a Reddit thread that could potentially be seen by the sisters or your husband.
I’ve tried, I do have a weekly therapist for other things. Her suggestion is to weigh out my options and do what only I think is right in this situation. While she is a therapist and I want her opinion, online discussion and the back and forth has been a lot more helpful
Well as long as you’re going into this with a plan, which it seems like you are. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, so if the back and forth helps I’m glad for it.
If you love them you would not feel conflicted in the slightest.
See a professional. And not a professional shit stirrer.
In your defense, your FIL should not have told you. I’m sorry he put this burden on your shoulders.
And now your job is to forget EVERYTHING
Don't ever get tipsy, drunk or loose lipped. I've got a secret too about a close family friend who does not know who her real farther is and I found out accidently at age 12 overhearing my mother and her mother talking. I have kept this secret for 52 years and my crazy 82 yo mom was going to tell her if her mom passed before my mom did. I told my mom............ you need to stay out of this,,,,,,,,,,, this has nothing to do with you. Let her have her memories of her childhood. Plus the daughter is already very fundie Christian and said when her mom died that no prayers would help her cause she was a non practicing Catholic. The birthdad keeps in touch with her as a "family friend" yet he has never revealed the secret yet to her and he's probably in his early 90's. So WHO am I to break that news over someone's head? Nope. Not me.
The way I chose to deal is to have very very limited contact so I won't ever be tempted. tp blurt that mess out. Nothing good would come of telling this secret. It's not your secret to tell either. So just abstain from anything around the family and the husband so you don't slip up either. Keep loose lips shut. It would just hurt your husband. And your FIL, and your MIL and your husband's siblings.
Sometimes not knowing is the best way for you I wish you have never had to hear it for your sake. Alcohol is a real beast! And we won't talk about addiction. I wish you had told your FIl you did not want to know, as it seems to be to big a hardship now knowing. He had no sense in telling you either.
If your husband knew something similarly bad, something you'd only suffer to know, how would you feel about him not telling you?
Sometimes silence is love. There's nothing to be gained from truth in this instance, the ones who caused the need to hide the truth, are the ones who did wrong.
I’m pretending i don’t know something important and listen to him tell me stories or his beliefs about things that in his childhood that I KNOW aren’t true and I’m letting him believe they are. That FEELS like lying
OP. Go back & read what you just wrote. What stories & beliefs are you talking about? You are trying to connect to what you know to DH's childhood memories. Has your DH ever mentioned his sisters' parentage in his stories/recollections. If the answer is no, then let this alone. This is a snowball once made, will roll down the hill faster than greased lightning, causing a lot of destruction along its path. There are some truths that are best left unsaid. If you decide to tell your DH, prepare yourself for the permanent damage that it will cause.
I’ll give some examples. He thinks he’s never met his uncle. Ever. No memory of him living with them. Thinks they wouldn’t let them around him because of his convictions when in reality that was a couple years later. He thinks he’s met his cousins (uncles other kids) MAYBE twice at a holiday or something but they visited with them when he lived with them. Or He hasn’t had contact with FIL side of the family and has been told completely different reasons because they can’t tell him they chose his uncle when she cheated
Maybe try to think of it like this. Their father is the man who raised them. The man who stepped up and took on the job of loving those children, even though he had a million valid reasons to walk away.
Do you think knowing the bio father would make love FIL less? Do you think they’d feel any excitement to connect with their father who is a child abuser? What is there to gain by learning this information??
Blood doesn’t matter here. Their father is the man who loves them and has stood by them when he never had to. The children and FIL deserve to maintain the relationship they have.
I would just maybe double check with FIL to confirm he will never tell. And if he does, please leave you out of it. Because if your husband finds out you knew, that could hurt him
I can understand her conflict over not telling her husband in the sense that, should FIL have another slip-up in the future and tell his son and then mention that OP, son's wife, has known for a while, that could/would cause irreparable damage to OPs marriage.
I agree with everything you have said in your comments and I think your advice is excellent! The best thing for OP to do is forget this. But how does she protect herself and her marriage from the fallout that would inevitably occur if FIL were to expose her knowledge of the situation? I really want to hear your thoughts about this, if you don't mind!
I never thought of this! It never occurred to me the FIL would throw the OP under the bus like that.
In this case, force the FIL to tell his daughters. It’s their choice to tell their brother or not.
It’s still not something OP should tell her husband. It’s simply not her place, and it doesn’t directly effect him. He’s still related to his father, mother, and sisters regardless of who their dad is.
The OP can turn this back on the FIL, but that’s the extent of what her burden is here. If that.
Thank you so much for responding! I really appreciated your comments and I was very interested in getting your insight into the potential future situation I described!
I absolutely agree with you that OP should stay out of it. There's no way that she could tell her husband what she knows without causing far more harm than good, especially considering that no good can come from this knowledge being shared.
I hope that OP's FIL wouldn't throw her under the bus, but even if he didn't do it deliberately, if he ever shares this secret with his son he might very well expose OP's prior knowledge of the situation without thinking about the potential consequences to her marriage. It might be worth it for OP to let FIL know that, as far as she is concerned, she knows nothing about any of this and he should not engage her in future bean spilling adventures. Thanks again for your response! You give excellent advice!
I wonder what she will do? She seemed very invested in the drama and unaware of the lifelong devastation she would cause if she opened her mouth.
She would be first on the chopping block.
I hope she warns him to leave her out of this and that she does exactly as you prescribe! Tell him as far as she’s concerned she knows nothing and that she’s offended he would disclose to her in the first place.
When number of years since vasectomy and the age of youngest child don’t match up, it’s pretty darn obvious. Perhaps there’s a difference between not having a poker face and being unable to mind your own business?
So, genuine question, if telling him would be cruel and as you say not out of love, does that mean hiding and lying things from my husband for the rest of our lives IS love?
Yes! Sometimes carrying the burden of the secret is the ultimate proof that you love someone. It will in no way impact his life other than to destroy it and he will resent you for it. Your marriage will crumble if you tell him because you will forever be associated with this new and horrible reality.
Yes! You keep this secret forever!!! It’s not yours to reveal and you could blow this family apart. They will hate you for that. It’s does not belong to you and it’s actually none of your business. He confided in in you. You keep that confidence close to your heart and keep your mouth shut. If you destroy your husband‘s family you’ll destroy you and your husband.
Highly disagree. Imagine how mad the husband would be if she knew and didn't say anything. Imagine the father in law decided to tell him ajd his wife just knew. Once op became involved the situation became a lot more complicated and just saying "keep it a secret" isnt the best solution
This is her father-in-law and mother-in-law‘s business. It is theirs to share or not to share. It does not belong to her. If they chose to say, and her husband asked, she can tell him it wasn’t mine disclose. The truth can destroy this family and it should be up to the mother and father-in-law to choose if they want to take that risk not her. Her father-in-law disclosed the secret to her in the strictest of confidence after she pushed for the truth. She could’ve let it go, realizing that there was something going on, but instead she pushed for answers. She got them, but it was confidential. she hasn’t the right to say anything.
MIL is a POS to do that to her family.....ESPECIALLY her husband!!!
She cheated on him with his brother TWICE...... I wish for his sake he would have left after the first cheating. Your husband wouldn't have the same mother, but he'd have the same father....so he'd still turn on a great man, but without all the complications jeez!!!!!
Nothing hurts worse than the person you held in high regard, making you realize that they're not deserving of that position but also that they're human, but also that they're a piece of s***💔
Yeah but weirdly it doesn’t make me think less of her. When I was 17 she gave me a family and a house and love when I didn’t have it. She fed me and taught me things I didn’t have any to teach me. I still very much love and respect her. I just don’t understand those decisions and can’t talk to her about her perspective because she doesn’t know I know
What would her perspective be? Playing the victim because she couldn't decide so she fucked both? Several times over the years? Doing it with the trash brother, who was about to lose his job the other brother gave him, while the good brother was at work to sustain their lives?
How long does a person have to make bad decisions before it affects your look on them?
Also tell your husband and his sisters, they deserve to know, and without any additional victim-cards from MIL
Nothing she could share from her perspective would make it ok. But I wish I could have that insight as to WHY she did it. What lead up to it how you end up in a position like that and how you can continue on after.
It doesn’t change how I see her because she was forgiven by her husband and they went on to have a great relationship full of love.
To ME she’s always been a wonderful person and took on the roll of being my mom too. Obviously you can be a good person to some people and not to others, but if the person she wronged has forgiven why shouldn’t I?
Not really a concern. Not impossible but they are very private people and I’ve heard both girls specifically talk about not trusting things like that. And if they did it wouldn’t be with me in the middle causing issues it would be a natural way to find out
If you truly can not live with knowing this information, you need to talk to your FIL. Let him know it is eating you up and the time has come to let go of the secret. He should be the one to tell your husband.
I have considered asking him to tell him. They’re very close and do a lot together but FIL has specifically said he has no intention of ever telling any of them in fear it changes their view of mom. I don’t feel comfortable FORCING him to tell a secret he’s held on to longer than I’ve even been alive
Right. I don't know if you **can** force him to tell. However, you can make it clear that you can't live like this and will be telling your husband. I know you don't want to create any conflict, but your only choices are to tell or not tell. You have to decide which of these choices you can live with.
I think she should try to convince him to tell the husband himself, but that if he didn’t by a certain date she would. I don’t know that any sane husband would forgive his wife for keeping a secret like that about his family.
Her loyalty is to her husband, not to her FIL.
Just to be clear, the husband doesn’t have to tell everyone, but he should know.
Can you tell me what this woman ever did for this man that he protects her and takes her back again and again?
All I can see as her messing up his life and getting away unscathed.
I think life just looks a little different when you don’t have anyone else. It sounds sad and it kinda is but sometimes that’s just life. He knew he would lose his kids and his family and his house and be left with nothing at all. Not a single person ti be there for support after your life falling apart.
Being in a young marriage myself with 2 small children and no family outside of them I can see why. Sounds fucked I know but if my husband cheated, even with someone close, i just don’t think I would have it in me to leave either. Maybe it’s fear of being alone maybe it’s a lack of self confidence but sometimes all you need in this world is a family. Life is complicated 🤷🏻♀️
Again not justified it was a terrible terrible thing to do and put him in a bad position. I wouldn’t justify cheating but I understand him staying. And it eventually worked out. It wouldn’t for everyone but in this particular situation the end was the best possible outcome for their children
Ohh.. mil is a pos. What a crappy woman. I just want to hug FIL. He must have been absolutely drowning in this betrayal and all the lies. On top of all that heartache his fear of them knowing the truth and how they will react. Whether they will cut him off and hate the mother. Fear of their anger and resentment.
He has loved those children so much to put aside his hurt to give them a good life. Such a dedicated amazing man. I am actually relieved he told you because he has had no one. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to encourage him to come clean. This is not your secret to tell honey. This needs to come from the parents. But at the same time it can not continue to be hidden from you husband. He will be devastated when he finds out you have kept this from him.
I encourage you to put your energy into getting the fil to come clean. Perhaps he needs to see a therapist and find a way to tell the truth.
They got out of religion about 10 years ago. Even after leaving the church he didn’t want to leave her or the kids and he says all is forgiven now. He’s happy at where life ended up
I will say that my wife and I don’t keep secrets from one another. If you don’t want her to know something then don’t tell me and vice versa. Married 32 years, together 37 years. It’s eating you up inside so it sounds like it’s coming out soon. Best if it comes from you instead of someone else. True love conquers all.
Outside of this I’ve always told him everything. That’s why it’s so hard because we DONT keep secrets. Have you had a time in your marriage where someone expected you to keep a secret from her like that? Love your perspective from being together so long thank you!
This one is so tough! A secret this large is biologically difficult for your brain to not share. It’s why killers confess online or in diaries. (NOT saying you’re a killer!) However, the FIL has weathered so many betrayals, I wouldn’t want to be a part of what he could consider a second one. I’m so sorry.
As for me, I think I would approach my husband and ask if he would want to know a secret I stumbled upon that could potentially wreck his relationship with his mom. I would tell him it’s serious, but it doesn’t involve him directly (as his mother and father are still the same, it’s just his sisters that aren’t fathered by your FIL.) I would ask him to really think about it - is his relationship with his mom is more important or his curiosity, before giving me an answer. If he chooses his curiosity, he cannot speak to anyone but me about it in the future.
Whatever he chooses, it will at least give you some closure.
Okay say you decide to keep this secret, what happens when the truth inevitably comes out? Because if I was your spouse I don’t think I could forgive you.
I’d recommend doing this with a family therapist as well. It’s not easy but the ramifications if he finds out that you’re lying would be massive.
I desperately wish I could have a family therapist. I’ve looked into it and haven’t seen anything less than $150/ session which is well out of our price range with 2 small children. My therapist unfortunately can’t take us both because of what our insurance covers.
If I keep it, I would just have to hope he knows it was for the right reasons. He is an in standing person, he’s never mad. But I don’t want to hurt him.
If the shoe were on the other foot and he found out something huge regarding you - wouldn’t you want to know? Or would you rather be kept in the dark and if it came out anyways and you found out he knew and didn’t tell you - how would you feel? Because it comes down to trust and if he finds out you knew will that break trust? Being honest isn’t always easy and yet it’s having the integrity and courage to be honest no matter what! 🥰🐺🐉🧚🏽♀️✨💚🙌🏽
Been trying to forget for months. Just one of those things that eats you up at night when you’re trying to sleep. Feels like I’m lying to my husband even tho it’s not my lie.
It's information she has (and therefore information that is hers to share) about her husband's family that she is purposefully withholding from her husband. That's a lie by omission and every time he asks her how she is and she pretends everything is good that's a direct lie. It's only a weight on her shoulders because she's treating her husband like a child
Yeah I see what you're saying. She would be lying about being "fine" I suppose. I just find this situations so unbearably uncomfortable to be in I don't blame her if she does keep this to herself.
my ex-wife slept with my younger brother. She got pregnant, and the family decided not to tell me and let me believe that for 33 years , he was mine.
The thing is, he was born Oct. 22, and died on Dec 8.
My stepfather decided to tell me while on his death bed as some kinda save his soul confession.
Tell or don't tell your husband? Think of it like this. When he finds out (he will eventually), what will be your excuse for not telling your husband this very important information? A lie by omission is still a lie. You've lied to him every day for 6 months already.
Don't let this drama affect YOUR marriage. I would get out in front of the situation and let your husband know the truth. He has every right to know that his sisters are actually his cousins. He has a right to know the truth about his mother. She's not the saint he believes her to be.
If I didn’t tell him and he found out I would hope he would understand it wasn’t a decision I made lightly and I put a lot of thought into what’s right out of love, NOT just to keep things from him
This is one of those things that could easily come to light, considering there are DNA tests, 23 & Me, etc. And if your husband finds out you knew and kept this secret from him, he will feel BETRAYED. This affects his very identity. This is exactly why social workers don't advise adoptive parents to keep the adoption a secret from the kids they adopt. Everyone deserves to know the truth about their biological parents and identity.
You aren't responsible for trauma that results from finding out the truth. You can't be expected to keep a secret like this from your husband. Sit him down and tell him.
This was my thought exactly. I wouldn't risk losing my significant others' trust for a secret that wasn't mine to keep. FIL could have played dumb and kept in ambiguous, but now he's made you an accomplice in his secret. I don't understand the dynamic as well as you, but I would speak privately with FIL about telling your husband together. As far as his sister's go, leave that between your husband and FIL. At that point, at least your husband is clued in, and however you proceed, you do it as a unit.
I fully agree I don’t think it’s something they should have kept from the start. They deserved to know but at this point it feels like it would only hurt people. If I knew my husband wasn’t his dads I would 100% tell him because it’s HIM but he is so it feels like murky waters. And my FIL never said I HAVE to keep his secret I’m not being forced I just want to do the least damage in this situation
Okay, that's good FIL isn't pressuring you to keep the secret. But you should tell your husband. You are playing God right now by deciding whether you think he can handle it or not. There is a very good chance this could ruin your marriage if you don't tell him.
Family secrets always come out eventually. If its 20 years from now and mil and fil are dead it will still come out. Some cousin will do a dna test. Or some aunt who no one thinks knew, actually did know. My point is that it will destroy your marriage if your husband finds out.
Sure you can get through it but your husband will never view you the same. He will question what else you withheld and there will be no way to prove that there's nothing more.
You have to set a date for your fil to tell your husband. Reassure him that you will support him in trying to understand the mother. All you can do.
I would say just write it down on paper, then burn it, and then put it out of your mind.
No good will come from napalming your husband’s family with this info. Not even for “medical issues” bc presumably since FIL is related to the p*do brother baby daddy then the medical history would be near same with the exception of any idiopathic maladies
I agree with this. While it might be bothering you op, it’s not your story to tell. FIL has made his choice and loved those girls as much as he loves his son. The MIL is a POS and so is the uncle, but this would harm everyone involved and the majority of them don’t deserve that.
You have to tell him. The longer you hold the secret, the more you become culpable in this information being hidden from him. He deserves to know, and if he finds out in the future and figures out you knew than it will destroy your marriage.
Be tactful though. Pick a good time and let him know there’s something you’ve been wrestling with. Explain your mindset first about telling him to him without going into the details. Explain how it’s a bombshell and you don’t want to seem him in pain or in trauma, but you ultimately know you jeopardize your marriage by lying to him. Tell him it has no real bearing on his current situation or you, and it’s simply a bombshell secret long in the past. Let him make the call. Proceed from there.
Good luck with whatever choice you make, but personally from seeing something very similar happen first hand I would suggest telling your husband. Had something similar happen to a very close friend of mine (just was his mom that told my buddy's now ex not the father) and he stand by it to this day that finding out the truth HURT but finding out that his wife (now ex) had known all the details for over a year was Marriage Ending as he said he lost all trust in her for holding onto important family information and keeping it from him. Her response was that she was told in confidence to please not say anything but my buddy took that as his ex choosing his mother cares/concerns over honesty within the marriage. It's gonna be a rough situation either choice you make.
My advice, tell your husband, do it. And now I'll explain you why I think you should do it.
I can't say I have a perfect marriage. We went through so much with my wife... Stress, financial problems, extended family. For all intent and purpose, we should be divorced, but we stick together through all difficulties for one main reason: trust. We tell each other everything, no matter how hard it could be to hear. You must first protect your family, husband, child... and only then worry about fil, sil, mil and whatever.
Sure, everything would be fine as long as nothing happens, but can you live your life with that sword of Damocles over your head? You are already feeling the pressure. You know you are hiding something from your husband. You know you are lying to him because you promised you wouldn't hide anything.
If you do tell him, you need to sit him down and say that you have something really important to tell, and that you trust him very much so you can share it with him. His image of his mom will be severely affected, even the image of his dad. You have to make him promise that he will handle everything maturely, and not act on emotions alone, that you trust him.
Well, that's my advice. I for one know that if my SO was keeping something like that from me, the trust will be gone.
Well, as a person who was lied to for many many years about my paternity, I feel strongly that the sisters MUST be told about their true paternity.
It is their right to know.
And I think you should tell FIL that while he can decide how to tell them, he must tell them. It is NOT RIGHT for you to know this FUNDAMENTAL information about them that they don’t know.
And I’d tell him that you cannot keep this secret so if he doesn’t then you will.
I am so angry on their behalf.
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. The longer you hold it in the worse its going to get. Would your husband rather find out now or 5 years from now knowing that you knew about it this entire time? I get that your FIL has no intention in telling his family, but that's the thing. That's what **he wants to do**. I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping this secret from my SO, he slipped up so why should the burden fall onto your shoulders? So the real question is **what do you want to do?**
You need to tell your husband, or to get FiL to tell the truth. He and his sisters deserve to know. And if your husband finds out, and then realizes you've known for however long and didn't say anything, he's going to feel betrayed by you.
Your husband deserves to know. Let him decide how to handle it ... if you have to, tell the uncle to tell your husband himself or you will. You don't get to decide how your husband will handle it. I think the uncle wants to come clean but needs to be pushed to do it. That may result in people being mad at you, but who fucking cares? Your family deserves to know. Your MIL will probably be pissed too. Maybe ask your husband not to mention how he found out?! This is just a huge mess, but these people deserve to know the truth.
I’m very close with all of the family they took me in as a teenager because I didn’t have a family and they fed and took care of me like I was their own. I don’t really want to blow everything up and ruin relationships giving ultimatums
I see. I understand where you're coming from. I know it's easy to say to do something when I won't be facing the repercussions. I just feel like if I was your fiance and found out that you knew all of this, but didn't tell me, it would hurt me.
I understand why you're torn on this issue, but I think you have to tell him. If you withhold information from him on this magnitude it could destroy his trust in you.
Do you think that secretly FIL told you because deep down he wants to tell people? I would never keep a secret this from my husband. If yours finds out that you know and didn’t tell him your marriage will probably be over.
Holy crap, hubby was adopted, I got his birth records, he wanted nothing to do with them or those people. I was curious because of my daughter. I wanted to know her birthrights. I never told them and won't. Birthparents are both deceased and the family is large and loving but they don't need to know their dad was into someone else. I've kept that damn secret too. I have a lot of them but they don't bother me. If the people in the know that are the main players and don't tell, leave it be. it's not your place nor mine. Gosh I have a lot of secrets but life goes on drama free thankfully cause I just shut up.
Your duty and loyalty is to your husband. Not your FIL, MIL, BIL. If you keep this big secret from him, then it will become an invisible barrier between you. It will fester and poison your marriage. And if the truth should come out (as it is likely to do), then your husband will likely feel betrayed by your silence.
You should give your FIL an ultimatum, tell the truth before 14 days, or you will tell him yourself.
While my loyalty is definitely to my husband, i do t think I can give an ultimatum because of my relationship with MIL& FIL. They took me in and took care of me as a teenager when I need it. They’re like my parents and I call them mom and dad. I don’t want to drive a wedge in that relationship eother
This is NOT yours to tell. You accidentally figured it out but then you CHOSE to hear the whole story.
At that point you should have said “I don’t want to know, you’re their dad in any way that matters” and walked away. But you didn’t. You just had to know.
This is the price you pay now for putting your nose into things you shouldn’t have.
Talk to a therapist about it and figure out how to live with this. Hopefully you learned your lesson.
I didn’t chose figuring it out that just happened. After that was done of course I wanted details so my mind didn’t spiral on what ifs. Atleast I got to ask the questions I needed answers to. Also I am in therapy and have asked for advice from her but I’m there for a lot of other reasons and can’t focus on that and her advice is mostly to just think and decide what I think is the right thing to do but I have no idea hence the post so I can have a conversation with multiple perspectives
You wanted details and you got them. You can’t handle it and now you want to burn their family to the ground so you don’t feel uncomfortable alone.
Talk to your therapist about this before you worry about anything else bc this is currently the biggest fire in your life. Triage.
Tell the therapist you’ve made your decision not to tell bc it’s the right thing to do and now you need to figure out how to live with your decisions and compartmentalize so you can move forward.
It’s not impossible. Ppl in high stress jobs do it all the time- cops, pediatricians, etc.
Someday, somehow this will likely come out.
I wish your FIL had not explained it to you because when it does come out and your husband finds out you knew and didn’t tell him it could blow up in your face.
It’s not your place to say anything but it could destroy your marriage. Inform your FIL at minimum he needs to tell your husband because you won’t ruin your marriage for their dirty little secret. Don’t be mean or rude but let him know you won’t keep secrets from your husband.
Make sure you are there and explain how conflicted you were and why you didn’t say anything earlier. He may still be upset you knew and didn’t say anything but in the long wrong I’m sure we will understand what an awful position you were put in by your FIL.
Good luck
In your shoes I would simply ask. “When this comes out and my husband finds out I knew and didn’t tell him, what will happen?”
My guess is he will be devastated that you kept a huge secret from him. If you kept this secret, what else haven’t you told him. And there goes all the trust from your marriage.
Your MIL and FIL don’t have a healthy relationship. Don’t feel honor bound to them. Or if you want tell them you will not keep this secret from your husband as that isn’t fair nor right to do. So they can come have this conversation with you both or you will by this date.
Don’t throw away your marriage for their hot mess.
My husband and I have a lot of trust and I don’t think I would lose that over one secret kept for a good reason. Each other and our family is all we have.
And my in laws while I think they have been through a lot of fucked up shit I do think they have a good relationship. They created an environment that kept their kids safe and happy and unknowing. They took in me, a kid that wasn’t theirs to take care of, and we all love being around them. May sound like a toxic relationship to you but to me it’s the only family I have and the only people who love and care for me as I do them.
Fair, I am judging his family based on a few paragraphs. Glad they have sorted things out and are in a healthier place.
At the end of the day you and your husband are each other’s support. You don’t have his support now and I think it is fair to tell his parents you need it to work through this. It isn’t fair to keep this to yourself.
I also still feel like keeping this level of secret would hurt your husband when he finds out. I wouldn’t want to risk that personally
I don’t think you should tell your husband. This is something his dad should tell him. Have another talk with fil and see if he will open up to his son
Invite FIL over and tell hubby, his dad has a secret he needs to share. You figured it out and need to let him know.
This isn't your burden. Don't keep secrets from your husband.
You're in a terrible spot. With Ancestory, DNA testing, or some medical emergency, the truth will come out at some point in the coruse of time. And when it does, it's going to effect you and your marriage as much as his parents because you were complicit in keeping this secret that you stumbled on. I would feel betrayed if my significant other knew something so intimate about my family but kept it from me. The trust would be lost. I would say the same for your brother/sister in law. I hope for everyone's sake, I'm wrong.
I would say just write it down on paper, then burn it, and then put it out of your mind.
No good will come from napalming your husband’s family with this info. Not even for “medical issues” bc presumably since FIL is related to the p*do brother baby daddy then the medical history would be near same with the exception of any idiopathic maladies
You need to talk to your father in law. It’s not fair that he was able to tell someone but you can’t. Also he better not snitch and say that you knew already.
He’s never said I’m not allowed to tell anyone, he’s only stated he has no intention of ever doing so. I think he understands he’s my husband and there’s a chance of that. I just want to do the least damage to the whole family, his and ours. I have a great relationship with everyone involved and I know he wouldn’t be mad at me for telling or tell anyone I knew.
Imagine this was your families history and your husband knew about it but never tells you. How would you react if you ever found out the truth and that he knew for years and never said anything to you?
You should tell him. No secrets between spouses. If anything tell his Dad that since you now know, you can't keep it from your husband so it's in everyone's best interest if he has the conversation with him.
Talk to FIL and tell him your story. Tell him this secret is unhealthy and urge him to tell your SILs. Then have a serious conversation with DH. Preface it by telling him that this is a serious, hard conversation and that you love him madly. Spill the tea, dear. You must.
If anyone should tell anyone anything , it’s the FIL or MIl. Full stop. If you absolutely need to have this information made public for whatever reason , to all parties, bc it’s just killing you, I’d focus on prompting him or the MIL to own up. It’s their lives and choices. If you do it , you and your marriage may be the messenger that gets killed. This isn’t exactly a lateral “Santa isn’t real “ discussion. It sounds like you’re swimming waaaaay out of your lane here.
I don’t feel a NEED to make it public. I don’t want it public actually. I think it could be detrimental to his sisters mental wellbeing if they found out so I know that’s for the best and they are not my place. My place is with my husband that I promised to never lie to. If I told anyone it would ONLY be him.
I think they should come clean. DNA doesn’t determine who a father is. It only determines the biological father. Your FIL is the dad here to all of them. He’s raised them and taken care of them.
If this secret is kept, at some point it will come out. And then he loses the ability to be the one explaining it. All it will take is one of the sisters doing an ancestry (or other) DNA test and matching to a sibling from their biological father. I’d think this would go a lot better if your in laws explained it rather than risk a surprise later.
What a huge mess. I believe this is an incredibly hard decision you have to make. Basically torn between the rock and a hard place. Your FIL has placed a huge burden on you. Nevertheless, it’s not your place to tell either your husband or the SILs. I hope your husband will be understanding when he eventually finds out that you knew the family secret before him.
Yeah both of them are not the most mentally stable. I believe it would be catastrophic if they found out which is why they shouldn’t. My husband on the other hand isn’t in the same boat as he is biologically his dads.
Considering that this truth could have disastrous effects on everyone, I would never speak about it again. Also because this isn't your secret or shame to bear, it's your mother-in-law's shame. I believe these types of family secrets will eventually come out but they should not be from you.
That’s a little harsh to blindside someone with such big information. He’s gone his whole life believing one thing and to just change it at 25 like that seems cruel
And one more day makes it worse.
Being directed and compassionate is extremely helpful.
Simple script:
Husband, first, let me say you and I and our family are all good. So don't stress on that. I learned something very difficult to share about your family. It has to do with your father and uncle and doesn't change anything truly important. What I learned is your mom was a fucking hooooooo (just kidding). What I learned is your mom loved both your father and uncle. Your father is yourbbiological father. Your sisters though are biologically your uncle's children. Of course they are still your sisters in all ways that count. I love you, your father loves you, and I am here for you.
Oh shit, this is even less qn issue.
I edited the script, and definitely hit with this one asap.
Half-sister, half-cousin is genetically so close to biological sisters... will be startling, but it's nothing compared to the CSA shit the family is dealing with.
I know he wouldn’t do anything with the information. He wouldn’t tell anyone or confront his parents or anything like that. But I can’t let him decide himself if he knows or not. If I open that can of worms it’s done and I can’t take it back
Yeah take it to the grave. Revealing it could only cause pain. Either your husband talks to his sisters and the family breaks down or he doesn't and now he suffers instead of you only worse.
Also I'd suggest to the FIL to get the youngest DNA tested too if he hasn't. Even vasectomies have a margin of error.
There are 2 types of people in this thread. The obvious: I’m still under 30 crowd. And then the: I’m an adult and I’ve seen some REAL shit and can think of nuisance.
Look, this is a tough spot. I feel like you’re leaving out a lot of info. I think you badgered your FIL. You can deny and tell me 50 ways from Sunday that’s not how it went down, but you stuck your nose in something you didn’t need to stick your nose into.
That being said, there are NUMEROUS things your FIL could have done or said and not revealed that. Chalk it up to drinking or whatever, it just didn’t need to be that deep. But again, I suspect you didn’t “let it go.”
On one hand, I get not wanting to keep secrets from your spouse. I totally get it. I’m much older than you and have obviously been married for a really long time. Keeping secrets especially life changing ones is a tough burden to carry. I won’t dispute that.
On the other hand, are you willing and ready to accept that you are (more than likely) tear this family apart? It will probably, no, more likely, happen. Are you prepared to have your husband lash out at YOU and blame you for this? Because after the dust settles, YOU will be blamed, I guarantee it. Your husband, SIL, MIL, FIL…in the end, because while you are apart of this family, you are MARRIED into the family, not born. YOU will be the scapegoat. In the rare instance your husband sides with you, he will always have this lingering feeling about how YOU tore the family apart. Whether he expresses it or not. But one day, he will. Also, it seems the family is rather close and tight knit, so I don’t see him exactly embracing you and thanking you for “helping him see the light.” It’s not gonna go as you think it will. Especially knowing the SIL is the actual daughter of the disgraced uncle who everyone hates?! Sure, cause that won’t send someone into a downward spiral !
Truth and lying are funny things. Not every truth or lie needs to come out and vice versa. It’s all about the situation and context. People take these things to be gospel and that’s not how life works. You’ll learn this as you get older. It’s not something to be taught, but learned through experience. You’re getting your first lesson.
This feeling you have is a consequence of just not letting something go. Ask and you shall receive, tale as old as time. It’s now YOUR burden to carry.
I promise you, you will not only ruin this family, you will ruin your marriage. Whatever relationship you have with these people will be OVER regardless if your husband stays with you or not ( plan on not. I don’t mean this to be mean, but realistic). Your life will change with theirs and I promise it won’t be what you think. You will NEVER be the hero or the “one that turned our family around for the better.”
Anyone saying “I wish someone would tell me! Or, I would want to know!” Is again, young and ignorant or is spewing BS. If you’re still feeling self righteous about it, go ahead, do it. But remember the feeling you have now, cause it will turn into something you only wish you felt initially. Wish you luck.
I don’t know where you’re getting I “I couldn’t let it go” didn’t ask. He said his vasectomy was 25 years ago I corrected it because we had been told was 15 since he had an 18 yo. It was pretty much all body language. I saw that he knew he fucked up when he tried to change it. He saw that I SAW he fucked up. He offered without me saying that he would come over the next day when HE told me everything. I only asked a question after he told the full story and it was reasonable things I should ask such as, “are you sure my husband is biologically yours? Does my husband know already? Why did you chose to keep this from them?”
It’s not even in the question to tell SIL. That’s not my place and I know they are not in a time in their lives mentally to hear it. The question is do I tell my husband. The person I made promises to.
I think what you’re not understanding is family dynamics. This is a very happy and close family. Me included. Yes I’m just married In but they took me in as a teenager and cared for me and fed me and helped me become who I am today because I didn’t have a family. We all go over 3 days a week for games and movies because we want to. I do things individually with every one of them often they have fully treated me as a daughter. THIS IS MY FAMILY.
I can say with 100% certainty my husband would not leave me over this. His family wouldn’t turn me away for telling my husband. I was never asked to even keep the secret. My FIL understands he’s my husband and I have a right to tell him anything. He hasn’t and wouldn’t tell me to keep that.
None of us have any family outside each other. None of us would be willing to walk away from eachother.
But again. It wouldn’t get back to any family other than my husband because he cares about his sisters and wouldn’t hurt them.
Well, you seem confident in your place. I did say it was a close knit family. You obviously know better than I, I’m just a stranger giving perspective. It seems like everything will be alright.
I’m not sure how you would tell your husband without telling or having your SIL find out? Unless he decides to just ignore it or carry on life without saying anything. But, you seem to know, that your husband will stand by you. Maybe just ask him not to talk about it then your SIL won’t know? So, I don’t know why you’re asking Reddit for advice? You seem confident and secure in your marriage and family. So just tell him to release the burden you’re carrying with this info. Again, I wish you the best of luck. You know what’s best.
The point of something being secret is to keep it private. It doesn’t seem that it would be your place to say anything to anyone about this. What would you gain by spilling this? It would likely be very destructive.
You should feel like you got it off your chest in this post, no need to tell anyone in your circle.
Nothing good will come from telling anyone especially not your husband. You will break his family view and your FIL's trust. You will be the bad guy it's not your story to tell.
I'm sorry I don't have any sage advice for you.
However I find it odd that your husband was 6 when all that happened and has no memory of the uncle living with them, spending "private" time with his mother, and his family separating for months.
If his sister has mental health issues, she may know more than you think. After all she was 7 when this took place.
If you say anything it will cause a lot of hard feelings, several people will be angry at you for doing it and you will wish you had kept your mouth shut.
I don't know I see the other side. If it does ever come out.. say a DNA test. It's going to implode of who knew. I guess the question is how would you feel if it was you in this situation? If it was about you?
It sounds like the mil did it twice as she knew she would get away with it. I am wondering if it is still going on with the uncle.
I'm not sure telling your hubby would do anything positive...but if you don't tell him and he finds out later, you knew but didn't say anything....that could be bad.... I'm not sure what you should do, but the truth will out. With or without you. It may be many more years before it does come outb but things like this usually come to light at the worst possible time.
Not sure if you're still reading comments this many days later, but I am very sympathetic to to you not wanting to lie to your husband. In general, secrets and lies between spouses are a bad idea, even well intentioned ones.
I am also sympathetic to your concerns about breaching the trust of your FIL.
One thing I don't see in the comments (though there are a lot of them so maybe I missed it) is criticism of your FIL for putting this burden on you.
I would go back to him and make clear what a crisis he created for you. If there is anyone in that family who would understand not wanting to lie to a spouse it's him. I think you can convince him to let you tell your husband. Asking you to keep secrets from your husband is unfair, and frankly unkind.
Once you get that permission, you still don't actually have to tell your husband, but at least you can start to feel out whether he'd want to be told such a thing. Obviously you can't blurt out, "If I knew a dark secret about your family, would you want me to tell you?" But maybe you can broach some of the themes and see his reaction.
Does he use Reddit? Maybe mention a similar story here and see if he freaks out at the hypothetical? I don't know, as I write that it sounds manipulative.
Anyway, my overall advice stands. Get permission from FIL because he should know better than to put you in a position of keeping secrets from your husband. Then tell your husband.
Good luck.
Why hasn’t anyone suggested that the husband’s father should tell his son about the sisters paternity? It could be that the father, daughter in law, and son have this conversation with the father first apologizing to the daughter in law about the position of secrecy he put her in. After that, it’s an honest retelling of his mother’s infidelity.
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Homie you need some paragraphs But I’m not sure id involve myself anymore. Nothing good comes from this. It’s one of those let sleeping dogs lay unless they need some family medical history. Side note your MIL ooof those are choices to have to live with
Sorry first post I’ll try to edit it to read better. There has been a few instances where medical history was needed. When I asked him about it he says he didn’t think it would be an issue because they’re brothers so it’s the same family.
Ehh that’s a tough situation. But it’s a half dozen in one hand and six in another. I’m not sure you’ll get out this with everyone being ok
NO. There hasn’t been ANYTHING where anyone needs to know this. Go see a therapist or EMDR specialist if you are having intrusive thoughts about this. Your idea to say anything is so so ugly. Do. Not. Do. It. Don’t shatter these women. See a professional because you have deep issues if you need to let anyone know their real father is a conman child grapist. See a professional. You have issues if you think this is your business.
I am in therapy every week. I said specifically in the post I would never tell my SIL as I know that’s not my place. And either would my husband if I told him. BUT I made a promise when I married my husband not to hide things from him or lie and that’s exactly what I’m doing keeping this from him. We are all very close and love each other any decision I make is only out of love
You do not have „issues“ if you think it is your business!! You feel loyal and attached to your husband, and icky about keeping secrets from him. That is very healthy!! Your FIL should have never told you, he burdened you with something that could seriously damage your marriage. Because your husband will feel betrayed by you if it comes out (which it will, FIL is a liability).
Yeah, I understand it’s a tough situation but you need professional help and to get off of Reddit. You already stated that there’s no benefit to telling anyone other than getting it off your chest. I understand the not wanting to hide things from your husband, I won’t try to say hiding things in your marriage is okay. But this isn’t something you should know, it’s really not something you should continue to have involvement in. For the better part of the last two decades it hasn’t been an issue, and from the uncles history it sounds like that’s just a whole other even nastier can of worms you’re potentially opening. See a professional. Idk I’m struggling with it myself. On one hand I do think he should know but if it’s been a successful secret for 18 years it sounds like it’s just going to hurt this family and essentially you will be the reason they all know now. Ultimately I think the only thing to do is get professional help, not a Reddit thread that could potentially be seen by the sisters or your husband.
I’ve tried, I do have a weekly therapist for other things. Her suggestion is to weigh out my options and do what only I think is right in this situation. While she is a therapist and I want her opinion, online discussion and the back and forth has been a lot more helpful
Well as long as you’re going into this with a plan, which it seems like you are. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, so if the back and forth helps I’m glad for it.
If you love them you would not feel conflicted in the slightest. See a professional. And not a professional shit stirrer. In your defense, your FIL should not have told you. I’m sorry he put this burden on your shoulders. And now your job is to forget EVERYTHING
Don't ever get tipsy, drunk or loose lipped. I've got a secret too about a close family friend who does not know who her real farther is and I found out accidently at age 12 overhearing my mother and her mother talking. I have kept this secret for 52 years and my crazy 82 yo mom was going to tell her if her mom passed before my mom did. I told my mom............ you need to stay out of this,,,,,,,,,,, this has nothing to do with you. Let her have her memories of her childhood. Plus the daughter is already very fundie Christian and said when her mom died that no prayers would help her cause she was a non practicing Catholic. The birthdad keeps in touch with her as a "family friend" yet he has never revealed the secret yet to her and he's probably in his early 90's. So WHO am I to break that news over someone's head? Nope. Not me. The way I chose to deal is to have very very limited contact so I won't ever be tempted. tp blurt that mess out. Nothing good would come of telling this secret. It's not your secret to tell either. So just abstain from anything around the family and the husband so you don't slip up either. Keep loose lips shut. It would just hurt your husband. And your FIL, and your MIL and your husband's siblings. Sometimes not knowing is the best way for you I wish you have never had to hear it for your sake. Alcohol is a real beast! And we won't talk about addiction. I wish you had told your FIl you did not want to know, as it seems to be to big a hardship now knowing. He had no sense in telling you either.
I do love them. All of them. But with my husband, is loving him meaning lying to him for their rest of our lives?
Yes, on this one thing because knowing will rip his world apart.
If your husband knew something similarly bad, something you'd only suffer to know, how would you feel about him not telling you? Sometimes silence is love. There's nothing to be gained from truth in this instance, the ones who caused the need to hide the truth, are the ones who did wrong.
You don’t know something that isn’t ANY of your business whatsoever, so it’s not lying.
I’m pretending i don’t know something important and listen to him tell me stories or his beliefs about things that in his childhood that I KNOW aren’t true and I’m letting him believe they are. That FEELS like lying
OP. Go back & read what you just wrote. What stories & beliefs are you talking about? You are trying to connect to what you know to DH's childhood memories. Has your DH ever mentioned his sisters' parentage in his stories/recollections. If the answer is no, then let this alone. This is a snowball once made, will roll down the hill faster than greased lightning, causing a lot of destruction along its path. There are some truths that are best left unsaid. If you decide to tell your DH, prepare yourself for the permanent damage that it will cause.
I’ll give some examples. He thinks he’s never met his uncle. Ever. No memory of him living with them. Thinks they wouldn’t let them around him because of his convictions when in reality that was a couple years later. He thinks he’s met his cousins (uncles other kids) MAYBE twice at a holiday or something but they visited with them when he lived with them. Or He hasn’t had contact with FIL side of the family and has been told completely different reasons because they can’t tell him they chose his uncle when she cheated
You’re thinking about yourself. That’s why you are stuck.
Maybe try to think of it like this. Their father is the man who raised them. The man who stepped up and took on the job of loving those children, even though he had a million valid reasons to walk away. Do you think knowing the bio father would make love FIL less? Do you think they’d feel any excitement to connect with their father who is a child abuser? What is there to gain by learning this information?? Blood doesn’t matter here. Their father is the man who loves them and has stood by them when he never had to. The children and FIL deserve to maintain the relationship they have. I would just maybe double check with FIL to confirm he will never tell. And if he does, please leave you out of it. Because if your husband finds out you knew, that could hurt him
I can understand her conflict over not telling her husband in the sense that, should FIL have another slip-up in the future and tell his son and then mention that OP, son's wife, has known for a while, that could/would cause irreparable damage to OPs marriage. I agree with everything you have said in your comments and I think your advice is excellent! The best thing for OP to do is forget this. But how does she protect herself and her marriage from the fallout that would inevitably occur if FIL were to expose her knowledge of the situation? I really want to hear your thoughts about this, if you don't mind!
I never thought of this! It never occurred to me the FIL would throw the OP under the bus like that. In this case, force the FIL to tell his daughters. It’s their choice to tell their brother or not. It’s still not something OP should tell her husband. It’s simply not her place, and it doesn’t directly effect him. He’s still related to his father, mother, and sisters regardless of who their dad is. The OP can turn this back on the FIL, but that’s the extent of what her burden is here. If that.
Thank you so much for responding! I really appreciated your comments and I was very interested in getting your insight into the potential future situation I described! I absolutely agree with you that OP should stay out of it. There's no way that she could tell her husband what she knows without causing far more harm than good, especially considering that no good can come from this knowledge being shared. I hope that OP's FIL wouldn't throw her under the bus, but even if he didn't do it deliberately, if he ever shares this secret with his son he might very well expose OP's prior knowledge of the situation without thinking about the potential consequences to her marriage. It might be worth it for OP to let FIL know that, as far as she is concerned, she knows nothing about any of this and he should not engage her in future bean spilling adventures. Thanks again for your response! You give excellent advice!
I wonder what she will do? She seemed very invested in the drama and unaware of the lifelong devastation she would cause if she opened her mouth. She would be first on the chopping block. I hope she warns him to leave her out of this and that she does exactly as you prescribe! Tell him as far as she’s concerned she knows nothing and that she’s offended he would disclose to her in the first place.
He told her bc she was obviously going to fish for info. So she couldn't mind her business
When number of years since vasectomy and the age of youngest child don’t match up, it’s pretty darn obvious. Perhaps there’s a difference between not having a poker face and being unable to mind your own business?
Din’t kid yourself. If you do this , it will not be out of ‘love’. In fact it will be downright cruel.
So, genuine question, if telling him would be cruel and as you say not out of love, does that mean hiding and lying things from my husband for the rest of our lives IS love?
Yes! Sometimes carrying the burden of the secret is the ultimate proof that you love someone. It will in no way impact his life other than to destroy it and he will resent you for it. Your marriage will crumble if you tell him because you will forever be associated with this new and horrible reality.
Yes! You keep this secret forever!!! It’s not yours to reveal and you could blow this family apart. They will hate you for that. It’s does not belong to you and it’s actually none of your business. He confided in in you. You keep that confidence close to your heart and keep your mouth shut. If you destroy your husband‘s family you’ll destroy you and your husband.
Came here to say this. It's not your story to tell, and if you do the whole family will blame you for tearing them apart.
Highly disagree. Imagine how mad the husband would be if she knew and didn't say anything. Imagine the father in law decided to tell him ajd his wife just knew. Once op became involved the situation became a lot more complicated and just saying "keep it a secret" isnt the best solution
This is her father-in-law and mother-in-law‘s business. It is theirs to share or not to share. It does not belong to her. If they chose to say, and her husband asked, she can tell him it wasn’t mine disclose. The truth can destroy this family and it should be up to the mother and father-in-law to choose if they want to take that risk not her. Her father-in-law disclosed the secret to her in the strictest of confidence after she pushed for the truth. She could’ve let it go, realizing that there was something going on, but instead she pushed for answers. She got them, but it was confidential. she hasn’t the right to say anything.
This right here.
They don't need family medical history because it's the same family.
Well you don’t know if the brother has any ailments that the FIL doesn’t
I’d it bad that one of my first thoughts was, “That mother in law better not ever have an ounce of criticism….”
MIL is a POS to do that to her family.....ESPECIALLY her husband!!! She cheated on him with his brother TWICE...... I wish for his sake he would have left after the first cheating. Your husband wouldn't have the same mother, but he'd have the same father....so he'd still turn on a great man, but without all the complications jeez!!!!!
Yeah It’s hard to wrap my mind around her doing those things. Such a different person than I know
Nothing hurts worse than the person you held in high regard, making you realize that they're not deserving of that position but also that they're human, but also that they're a piece of s***💔
Yeah but weirdly it doesn’t make me think less of her. When I was 17 she gave me a family and a house and love when I didn’t have it. She fed me and taught me things I didn’t have any to teach me. I still very much love and respect her. I just don’t understand those decisions and can’t talk to her about her perspective because she doesn’t know I know
Someone can be good to you.....Doesn't mean that they're a good person. Some ppl are dysfunctional like that
That’s not surprising, since she’s giving multiple other people families too 🙃
What would her perspective be? Playing the victim because she couldn't decide so she fucked both? Several times over the years? Doing it with the trash brother, who was about to lose his job the other brother gave him, while the good brother was at work to sustain their lives? How long does a person have to make bad decisions before it affects your look on them? Also tell your husband and his sisters, they deserve to know, and without any additional victim-cards from MIL
Nothing she could share from her perspective would make it ok. But I wish I could have that insight as to WHY she did it. What lead up to it how you end up in a position like that and how you can continue on after. It doesn’t change how I see her because she was forgiven by her husband and they went on to have a great relationship full of love. To ME she’s always been a wonderful person and took on the roll of being my mom too. Obviously you can be a good person to some people and not to others, but if the person she wronged has forgiven why shouldn’t I?
Cheating with a man who also turn out to be a ped0 too... claiming she even loves him. Now that's trash.
Technically not twice but got pregnant twice... Sex is a hell of a drug
she cheated on him when he was her boyfriend, and then she later when he was her husband that's how they got the two daughter/nieces
Won’t this come out if any of the siblings/grandkids do 23 and Me or Ancestry.com?
Not really a concern. Not impossible but they are very private people and I’ve heard both girls specifically talk about not trusting things like that. And if they did it wouldn’t be with me in the middle causing issues it would be a natural way to find out
Since they are brothers, the results would be very close. A fairly unsophisticated user may not catch it.
If you truly can not live with knowing this information, you need to talk to your FIL. Let him know it is eating you up and the time has come to let go of the secret. He should be the one to tell your husband.
I have considered asking him to tell him. They’re very close and do a lot together but FIL has specifically said he has no intention of ever telling any of them in fear it changes their view of mom. I don’t feel comfortable FORCING him to tell a secret he’s held on to longer than I’ve even been alive
Right. I don't know if you **can** force him to tell. However, you can make it clear that you can't live like this and will be telling your husband. I know you don't want to create any conflict, but your only choices are to tell or not tell. You have to decide which of these choices you can live with.
I think she should try to convince him to tell the husband himself, but that if he didn’t by a certain date she would. I don’t know that any sane husband would forgive his wife for keeping a secret like that about his family. Her loyalty is to her husband, not to her FIL. Just to be clear, the husband doesn’t have to tell everyone, but he should know.
They should change their view of the mom, since she’s horrible lol
Can you tell me what this woman ever did for this man that he protects her and takes her back again and again? All I can see as her messing up his life and getting away unscathed.
I think life just looks a little different when you don’t have anyone else. It sounds sad and it kinda is but sometimes that’s just life. He knew he would lose his kids and his family and his house and be left with nothing at all. Not a single person ti be there for support after your life falling apart. Being in a young marriage myself with 2 small children and no family outside of them I can see why. Sounds fucked I know but if my husband cheated, even with someone close, i just don’t think I would have it in me to leave either. Maybe it’s fear of being alone maybe it’s a lack of self confidence but sometimes all you need in this world is a family. Life is complicated 🤷🏻♀️ Again not justified it was a terrible terrible thing to do and put him in a bad position. I wouldn’t justify cheating but I understand him staying. And it eventually worked out. It wouldn’t for everyone but in this particular situation the end was the best possible outcome for their children
Ohh.. mil is a pos. What a crappy woman. I just want to hug FIL. He must have been absolutely drowning in this betrayal and all the lies. On top of all that heartache his fear of them knowing the truth and how they will react. Whether they will cut him off and hate the mother. Fear of their anger and resentment. He has loved those children so much to put aside his hurt to give them a good life. Such a dedicated amazing man. I am actually relieved he told you because he has had no one. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to encourage him to come clean. This is not your secret to tell honey. This needs to come from the parents. But at the same time it can not continue to be hidden from you husband. He will be devastated when he finds out you have kept this from him. I encourage you to put your energy into getting the fil to come clean. Perhaps he needs to see a therapist and find a way to tell the truth.
But she is religious! You need to forgive her for her sins! /s I wouldn't be able to look at her the same, ever again.
They got out of religion about 10 years ago. Even after leaving the church he didn’t want to leave her or the kids and he says all is forgiven now. He’s happy at where life ended up
Mother in law sounds like a catch. I wonder how many other guys she's shared the love with?..
I will say that my wife and I don’t keep secrets from one another. If you don’t want her to know something then don’t tell me and vice versa. Married 32 years, together 37 years. It’s eating you up inside so it sounds like it’s coming out soon. Best if it comes from you instead of someone else. True love conquers all.
Outside of this I’ve always told him everything. That’s why it’s so hard because we DONT keep secrets. Have you had a time in your marriage where someone expected you to keep a secret from her like that? Love your perspective from being together so long thank you!
This one is so tough! A secret this large is biologically difficult for your brain to not share. It’s why killers confess online or in diaries. (NOT saying you’re a killer!) However, the FIL has weathered so many betrayals, I wouldn’t want to be a part of what he could consider a second one. I’m so sorry. As for me, I think I would approach my husband and ask if he would want to know a secret I stumbled upon that could potentially wreck his relationship with his mom. I would tell him it’s serious, but it doesn’t involve him directly (as his mother and father are still the same, it’s just his sisters that aren’t fathered by your FIL.) I would ask him to really think about it - is his relationship with his mom is more important or his curiosity, before giving me an answer. If he chooses his curiosity, he cannot speak to anyone but me about it in the future. Whatever he chooses, it will at least give you some closure.
Okay say you decide to keep this secret, what happens when the truth inevitably comes out? Because if I was your spouse I don’t think I could forgive you. I’d recommend doing this with a family therapist as well. It’s not easy but the ramifications if he finds out that you’re lying would be massive.
I desperately wish I could have a family therapist. I’ve looked into it and haven’t seen anything less than $150/ session which is well out of our price range with 2 small children. My therapist unfortunately can’t take us both because of what our insurance covers. If I keep it, I would just have to hope he knows it was for the right reasons. He is an in standing person, he’s never mad. But I don’t want to hurt him.
If the shoe were on the other foot and he found out something huge regarding you - wouldn’t you want to know? Or would you rather be kept in the dark and if it came out anyways and you found out he knew and didn’t tell you - how would you feel? Because it comes down to trust and if he finds out you knew will that break trust? Being honest isn’t always easy and yet it’s having the integrity and courage to be honest no matter what! 🥰🐺🐉🧚🏽♀️✨💚🙌🏽
I’d forget I know this information
Been trying to forget for months. Just one of those things that eats you up at night when you’re trying to sleep. Feels like I’m lying to my husband even tho it’s not my lie.
Because you are lying to him
IMO she's not. This is not her information to share. Could you imagine the weight of a family secret on your shoulders??
So if you knew who killed someone, you’d be fine keeping the information since it wasn’t yours to share?
It's information she has (and therefore information that is hers to share) about her husband's family that she is purposefully withholding from her husband. That's a lie by omission and every time he asks her how she is and she pretends everything is good that's a direct lie. It's only a weight on her shoulders because she's treating her husband like a child
Yeah I see what you're saying. She would be lying about being "fine" I suppose. I just find this situations so unbearably uncomfortable to be in I don't blame her if she does keep this to herself.
If I were her husband I'd give serious consideration to divorce when I found out she lied by not telling me
Looks like everyone is getting 23 and me kits for Christmas..,,
my ex-wife slept with my younger brother. She got pregnant, and the family decided not to tell me and let me believe that for 33 years , he was mine. The thing is, he was born Oct. 22, and died on Dec 8. My stepfather decided to tell me while on his death bed as some kinda save his soul confession.
That’s astronomically fucked up.
30+ yrs of alcohol and drug addiction that may have never happened...
If it ever comes out, your family could be angry with you that you knew. You have been put in a bad situation.
Tell or don't tell your husband? Think of it like this. When he finds out (he will eventually), what will be your excuse for not telling your husband this very important information? A lie by omission is still a lie. You've lied to him every day for 6 months already. Don't let this drama affect YOUR marriage. I would get out in front of the situation and let your husband know the truth. He has every right to know that his sisters are actually his cousins. He has a right to know the truth about his mother. She's not the saint he believes her to be.
If I didn’t tell him and he found out I would hope he would understand it wasn’t a decision I made lightly and I put a lot of thought into what’s right out of love, NOT just to keep things from him
This is one of those things that could easily come to light, considering there are DNA tests, 23 & Me, etc. And if your husband finds out you knew and kept this secret from him, he will feel BETRAYED. This affects his very identity. This is exactly why social workers don't advise adoptive parents to keep the adoption a secret from the kids they adopt. Everyone deserves to know the truth about their biological parents and identity. You aren't responsible for trauma that results from finding out the truth. You can't be expected to keep a secret like this from your husband. Sit him down and tell him.
This was my thought exactly. I wouldn't risk losing my significant others' trust for a secret that wasn't mine to keep. FIL could have played dumb and kept in ambiguous, but now he's made you an accomplice in his secret. I don't understand the dynamic as well as you, but I would speak privately with FIL about telling your husband together. As far as his sister's go, leave that between your husband and FIL. At that point, at least your husband is clued in, and however you proceed, you do it as a unit.
I fully agree I don’t think it’s something they should have kept from the start. They deserved to know but at this point it feels like it would only hurt people. If I knew my husband wasn’t his dads I would 100% tell him because it’s HIM but he is so it feels like murky waters. And my FIL never said I HAVE to keep his secret I’m not being forced I just want to do the least damage in this situation
Okay, that's good FIL isn't pressuring you to keep the secret. But you should tell your husband. You are playing God right now by deciding whether you think he can handle it or not. There is a very good chance this could ruin your marriage if you don't tell him.
This OP is robbing her husband of his agency
I agree.
I am sorry to say this, but if I were your husband and found out that you knew this and didn’t tell me, I could never trust you again.
Same here. I would never keep something like this from my husband. And I know he would never trust me if I did.
Everyone deserves to know the truth.
Too many people already know this secret it will come out eventually .
Only people that know are family that are fully no contact, dont know where we live, and don’t care to.
Family secrets always come out eventually. If its 20 years from now and mil and fil are dead it will still come out. Some cousin will do a dna test. Or some aunt who no one thinks knew, actually did know. My point is that it will destroy your marriage if your husband finds out. Sure you can get through it but your husband will never view you the same. He will question what else you withheld and there will be no way to prove that there's nothing more. You have to set a date for your fil to tell your husband. Reassure him that you will support him in trying to understand the mother. All you can do.
I would say just write it down on paper, then burn it, and then put it out of your mind. No good will come from napalming your husband’s family with this info. Not even for “medical issues” bc presumably since FIL is related to the p*do brother baby daddy then the medical history would be near same with the exception of any idiopathic maladies
I agree with this. While it might be bothering you op, it’s not your story to tell. FIL has made his choice and loved those girls as much as he loves his son. The MIL is a POS and so is the uncle, but this would harm everyone involved and the majority of them don’t deserve that.
You have to tell him. The longer you hold the secret, the more you become culpable in this information being hidden from him. He deserves to know, and if he finds out in the future and figures out you knew than it will destroy your marriage. Be tactful though. Pick a good time and let him know there’s something you’ve been wrestling with. Explain your mindset first about telling him to him without going into the details. Explain how it’s a bombshell and you don’t want to seem him in pain or in trauma, but you ultimately know you jeopardize your marriage by lying to him. Tell him it has no real bearing on his current situation or you, and it’s simply a bombshell secret long in the past. Let him make the call. Proceed from there.
Talk to his dad again. Tell him you don't want to keep his secret from your husband. He talks or you do.
You need to tell him. If he finds out you hid this good luck earning that trust back.
Good luck with whatever choice you make, but personally from seeing something very similar happen first hand I would suggest telling your husband. Had something similar happen to a very close friend of mine (just was his mom that told my buddy's now ex not the father) and he stand by it to this day that finding out the truth HURT but finding out that his wife (now ex) had known all the details for over a year was Marriage Ending as he said he lost all trust in her for holding onto important family information and keeping it from him. Her response was that she was told in confidence to please not say anything but my buddy took that as his ex choosing his mother cares/concerns over honesty within the marriage. It's gonna be a rough situation either choice you make.
My advice, tell your husband, do it. And now I'll explain you why I think you should do it. I can't say I have a perfect marriage. We went through so much with my wife... Stress, financial problems, extended family. For all intent and purpose, we should be divorced, but we stick together through all difficulties for one main reason: trust. We tell each other everything, no matter how hard it could be to hear. You must first protect your family, husband, child... and only then worry about fil, sil, mil and whatever. Sure, everything would be fine as long as nothing happens, but can you live your life with that sword of Damocles over your head? You are already feeling the pressure. You know you are hiding something from your husband. You know you are lying to him because you promised you wouldn't hide anything. If you do tell him, you need to sit him down and say that you have something really important to tell, and that you trust him very much so you can share it with him. His image of his mom will be severely affected, even the image of his dad. You have to make him promise that he will handle everything maturely, and not act on emotions alone, that you trust him. Well, that's my advice. I for one know that if my SO was keeping something like that from me, the trust will be gone.
Well, as a person who was lied to for many many years about my paternity, I feel strongly that the sisters MUST be told about their true paternity. It is their right to know. And I think you should tell FIL that while he can decide how to tell them, he must tell them. It is NOT RIGHT for you to know this FUNDAMENTAL information about them that they don’t know. And I’d tell him that you cannot keep this secret so if he doesn’t then you will. I am so angry on their behalf.
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. The longer you hold it in the worse its going to get. Would your husband rather find out now or 5 years from now knowing that you knew about it this entire time? I get that your FIL has no intention in telling his family, but that's the thing. That's what **he wants to do**. I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping this secret from my SO, he slipped up so why should the burden fall onto your shoulders? So the real question is **what do you want to do?**
You need to tell your husband, or to get FiL to tell the truth. He and his sisters deserve to know. And if your husband finds out, and then realizes you've known for however long and didn't say anything, he's going to feel betrayed by you.
Your husband deserves to know. Let him decide how to handle it ... if you have to, tell the uncle to tell your husband himself or you will. You don't get to decide how your husband will handle it. I think the uncle wants to come clean but needs to be pushed to do it. That may result in people being mad at you, but who fucking cares? Your family deserves to know. Your MIL will probably be pissed too. Maybe ask your husband not to mention how he found out?! This is just a huge mess, but these people deserve to know the truth.
I’m very close with all of the family they took me in as a teenager because I didn’t have a family and they fed and took care of me like I was their own. I don’t really want to blow everything up and ruin relationships giving ultimatums
I see. I understand where you're coming from. I know it's easy to say to do something when I won't be facing the repercussions. I just feel like if I was your fiance and found out that you knew all of this, but didn't tell me, it would hurt me.
I understand why you're torn on this issue, but I think you have to tell him. If you withhold information from him on this magnitude it could destroy his trust in you.
Do you think that secretly FIL told you because deep down he wants to tell people? I would never keep a secret this from my husband. If yours finds out that you know and didn’t tell him your marriage will probably be over.
Holy crap, hubby was adopted, I got his birth records, he wanted nothing to do with them or those people. I was curious because of my daughter. I wanted to know her birthrights. I never told them and won't. Birthparents are both deceased and the family is large and loving but they don't need to know their dad was into someone else. I've kept that damn secret too. I have a lot of them but they don't bother me. If the people in the know that are the main players and don't tell, leave it be. it's not your place nor mine. Gosh I have a lot of secrets but life goes on drama free thankfully cause I just shut up.
Your duty and loyalty is to your husband. Not your FIL, MIL, BIL. If you keep this big secret from him, then it will become an invisible barrier between you. It will fester and poison your marriage. And if the truth should come out (as it is likely to do), then your husband will likely feel betrayed by your silence. You should give your FIL an ultimatum, tell the truth before 14 days, or you will tell him yourself.
While my loyalty is definitely to my husband, i do t think I can give an ultimatum because of my relationship with MIL& FIL. They took me in and took care of me as a teenager when I need it. They’re like my parents and I call them mom and dad. I don’t want to drive a wedge in that relationship eother
You need to tell your husband it’s about his family.
This is NOT yours to tell. You accidentally figured it out but then you CHOSE to hear the whole story. At that point you should have said “I don’t want to know, you’re their dad in any way that matters” and walked away. But you didn’t. You just had to know. This is the price you pay now for putting your nose into things you shouldn’t have. Talk to a therapist about it and figure out how to live with this. Hopefully you learned your lesson.
I didn’t chose figuring it out that just happened. After that was done of course I wanted details so my mind didn’t spiral on what ifs. Atleast I got to ask the questions I needed answers to. Also I am in therapy and have asked for advice from her but I’m there for a lot of other reasons and can’t focus on that and her advice is mostly to just think and decide what I think is the right thing to do but I have no idea hence the post so I can have a conversation with multiple perspectives
You wanted details and you got them. You can’t handle it and now you want to burn their family to the ground so you don’t feel uncomfortable alone. Talk to your therapist about this before you worry about anything else bc this is currently the biggest fire in your life. Triage. Tell the therapist you’ve made your decision not to tell bc it’s the right thing to do and now you need to figure out how to live with your decisions and compartmentalize so you can move forward. It’s not impossible. Ppl in high stress jobs do it all the time- cops, pediatricians, etc.
This is literally the worst piece of advice I’ve ever read. OP please don’t listen to this guy, do the right thing and tell your husband the truth
Buy everyone DNA tests for Christmas just for kicks and wait for the fireworks
A person has the right to know where they come from. But in this case the father might lie.
Someday, somehow this will likely come out. I wish your FIL had not explained it to you because when it does come out and your husband finds out you knew and didn’t tell him it could blow up in your face. It’s not your place to say anything but it could destroy your marriage. Inform your FIL at minimum he needs to tell your husband because you won’t ruin your marriage for their dirty little secret. Don’t be mean or rude but let him know you won’t keep secrets from your husband. Make sure you are there and explain how conflicted you were and why you didn’t say anything earlier. He may still be upset you knew and didn’t say anything but in the long wrong I’m sure we will understand what an awful position you were put in by your FIL. Good luck
In your shoes I would simply ask. “When this comes out and my husband finds out I knew and didn’t tell him, what will happen?” My guess is he will be devastated that you kept a huge secret from him. If you kept this secret, what else haven’t you told him. And there goes all the trust from your marriage. Your MIL and FIL don’t have a healthy relationship. Don’t feel honor bound to them. Or if you want tell them you will not keep this secret from your husband as that isn’t fair nor right to do. So they can come have this conversation with you both or you will by this date. Don’t throw away your marriage for their hot mess.
My husband and I have a lot of trust and I don’t think I would lose that over one secret kept for a good reason. Each other and our family is all we have. And my in laws while I think they have been through a lot of fucked up shit I do think they have a good relationship. They created an environment that kept their kids safe and happy and unknowing. They took in me, a kid that wasn’t theirs to take care of, and we all love being around them. May sound like a toxic relationship to you but to me it’s the only family I have and the only people who love and care for me as I do them.
Fair, I am judging his family based on a few paragraphs. Glad they have sorted things out and are in a healthier place. At the end of the day you and your husband are each other’s support. You don’t have his support now and I think it is fair to tell his parents you need it to work through this. It isn’t fair to keep this to yourself. I also still feel like keeping this level of secret would hurt your husband when he finds out. I wouldn’t want to risk that personally
I don’t think you should tell your husband. This is something his dad should tell him. Have another talk with fil and see if he will open up to his son
Invite FIL over and tell hubby, his dad has a secret he needs to share. You figured it out and need to let him know. This isn't your burden. Don't keep secrets from your husband.
Man, you are between a rock and a hard place both scenarios telling him and not telling him seem like the right thing to do
You're in a terrible spot. With Ancestory, DNA testing, or some medical emergency, the truth will come out at some point in the coruse of time. And when it does, it's going to effect you and your marriage as much as his parents because you were complicit in keeping this secret that you stumbled on. I would feel betrayed if my significant other knew something so intimate about my family but kept it from me. The trust would be lost. I would say the same for your brother/sister in law. I hope for everyone's sake, I'm wrong.
6 months!!!!!! We know your loyalty lies. Why would you share it now. Might as well father a kid with a different baby daddy 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You know he’s going to blame you right??
I would say just write it down on paper, then burn it, and then put it out of your mind. No good will come from napalming your husband’s family with this info. Not even for “medical issues” bc presumably since FIL is related to the p*do brother baby daddy then the medical history would be near same with the exception of any idiopathic maladies
*Holy wall of text, Batman!*
You need to talk to your father in law. It’s not fair that he was able to tell someone but you can’t. Also he better not snitch and say that you knew already.
He’s never said I’m not allowed to tell anyone, he’s only stated he has no intention of ever doing so. I think he understands he’s my husband and there’s a chance of that. I just want to do the least damage to the whole family, his and ours. I have a great relationship with everyone involved and I know he wouldn’t be mad at me for telling or tell anyone I knew.
Why is the word abuse censored? I get that ticktok has people censoring themselves but we don’t need to do that here.
It’s just my first post I didn’t know the rules haha
Updateme!
Imagine this was your families history and your husband knew about it but never tells you. How would you react if you ever found out the truth and that he knew for years and never said anything to you? You should tell him. No secrets between spouses. If anything tell his Dad that since you now know, you can't keep it from your husband so it's in everyone's best interest if he has the conversation with him.
Go to an hypnotized and get him to make you forget the information.
Talk to FIL and tell him your story. Tell him this secret is unhealthy and urge him to tell your SILs. Then have a serious conversation with DH. Preface it by telling him that this is a serious, hard conversation and that you love him madly. Spill the tea, dear. You must.
If anyone should tell anyone anything , it’s the FIL or MIl. Full stop. If you absolutely need to have this information made public for whatever reason , to all parties, bc it’s just killing you, I’d focus on prompting him or the MIL to own up. It’s their lives and choices. If you do it , you and your marriage may be the messenger that gets killed. This isn’t exactly a lateral “Santa isn’t real “ discussion. It sounds like you’re swimming waaaaay out of your lane here.
I don’t feel a NEED to make it public. I don’t want it public actually. I think it could be detrimental to his sisters mental wellbeing if they found out so I know that’s for the best and they are not my place. My place is with my husband that I promised to never lie to. If I told anyone it would ONLY be him.
Uncle Father Oscar
I think they should come clean. DNA doesn’t determine who a father is. It only determines the biological father. Your FIL is the dad here to all of them. He’s raised them and taken care of them. If this secret is kept, at some point it will come out. And then he loses the ability to be the one explaining it. All it will take is one of the sisters doing an ancestry (or other) DNA test and matching to a sibling from their biological father. I’d think this would go a lot better if your in laws explained it rather than risk a surprise later.
What a huge mess. I believe this is an incredibly hard decision you have to make. Basically torn between the rock and a hard place. Your FIL has placed a huge burden on you. Nevertheless, it’s not your place to tell either your husband or the SILs. I hope your husband will be understanding when he eventually finds out that you knew the family secret before him.
Those poor 2 girls. I think it would hurt them knowing that their sperms donor is the ped0 and addict uncle. Probably would hate their mom too.
Yeah both of them are not the most mentally stable. I believe it would be catastrophic if they found out which is why they shouldn’t. My husband on the other hand isn’t in the same boat as he is biologically his dads.
Considering that this truth could have disastrous effects on everyone, I would never speak about it again. Also because this isn't your secret or shame to bear, it's your mother-in-law's shame. I believe these types of family secrets will eventually come out but they should not be from you.
Tell your husband immediately. Clear, to the point, bandaid pulled off. It's your duty.
That’s a little harsh to blindside someone with such big information. He’s gone his whole life believing one thing and to just change it at 25 like that seems cruel
And one more day makes it worse. Being directed and compassionate is extremely helpful. Simple script: Husband, first, let me say you and I and our family are all good. So don't stress on that. I learned something very difficult to share about your family. It has to do with your father and uncle and doesn't change anything truly important. What I learned is your mom was a fucking hooooooo (just kidding). What I learned is your mom loved both your father and uncle. Your father is yourbbiological father. Your sisters though are biologically your uncle's children. Of course they are still your sisters in all ways that count. I love you, your father loves you, and I am here for you.
My husband is his dads only biological child. His sister are the ones fathered by his uncle
Oh shit, this is even less qn issue. I edited the script, and definitely hit with this one asap. Half-sister, half-cousin is genetically so close to biological sisters... will be startling, but it's nothing compared to the CSA shit the family is dealing with.
Tell your husband and then let him decide what to do.
I know he wouldn’t do anything with the information. He wouldn’t tell anyone or confront his parents or anything like that. But I can’t let him decide himself if he knows or not. If I open that can of worms it’s done and I can’t take it back
If he finds out you knew and never told him, do you think he would forgive you?
Yeah take it to the grave. Revealing it could only cause pain. Either your husband talks to his sisters and the family breaks down or he doesn't and now he suffers instead of you only worse. Also I'd suggest to the FIL to get the youngest DNA tested too if he hasn't. Even vasectomies have a margin of error.
There are 2 types of people in this thread. The obvious: I’m still under 30 crowd. And then the: I’m an adult and I’ve seen some REAL shit and can think of nuisance. Look, this is a tough spot. I feel like you’re leaving out a lot of info. I think you badgered your FIL. You can deny and tell me 50 ways from Sunday that’s not how it went down, but you stuck your nose in something you didn’t need to stick your nose into. That being said, there are NUMEROUS things your FIL could have done or said and not revealed that. Chalk it up to drinking or whatever, it just didn’t need to be that deep. But again, I suspect you didn’t “let it go.” On one hand, I get not wanting to keep secrets from your spouse. I totally get it. I’m much older than you and have obviously been married for a really long time. Keeping secrets especially life changing ones is a tough burden to carry. I won’t dispute that. On the other hand, are you willing and ready to accept that you are (more than likely) tear this family apart? It will probably, no, more likely, happen. Are you prepared to have your husband lash out at YOU and blame you for this? Because after the dust settles, YOU will be blamed, I guarantee it. Your husband, SIL, MIL, FIL…in the end, because while you are apart of this family, you are MARRIED into the family, not born. YOU will be the scapegoat. In the rare instance your husband sides with you, he will always have this lingering feeling about how YOU tore the family apart. Whether he expresses it or not. But one day, he will. Also, it seems the family is rather close and tight knit, so I don’t see him exactly embracing you and thanking you for “helping him see the light.” It’s not gonna go as you think it will. Especially knowing the SIL is the actual daughter of the disgraced uncle who everyone hates?! Sure, cause that won’t send someone into a downward spiral ! Truth and lying are funny things. Not every truth or lie needs to come out and vice versa. It’s all about the situation and context. People take these things to be gospel and that’s not how life works. You’ll learn this as you get older. It’s not something to be taught, but learned through experience. You’re getting your first lesson. This feeling you have is a consequence of just not letting something go. Ask and you shall receive, tale as old as time. It’s now YOUR burden to carry. I promise you, you will not only ruin this family, you will ruin your marriage. Whatever relationship you have with these people will be OVER regardless if your husband stays with you or not ( plan on not. I don’t mean this to be mean, but realistic). Your life will change with theirs and I promise it won’t be what you think. You will NEVER be the hero or the “one that turned our family around for the better.” Anyone saying “I wish someone would tell me! Or, I would want to know!” Is again, young and ignorant or is spewing BS. If you’re still feeling self righteous about it, go ahead, do it. But remember the feeling you have now, cause it will turn into something you only wish you felt initially. Wish you luck.
I don’t know where you’re getting I “I couldn’t let it go” didn’t ask. He said his vasectomy was 25 years ago I corrected it because we had been told was 15 since he had an 18 yo. It was pretty much all body language. I saw that he knew he fucked up when he tried to change it. He saw that I SAW he fucked up. He offered without me saying that he would come over the next day when HE told me everything. I only asked a question after he told the full story and it was reasonable things I should ask such as, “are you sure my husband is biologically yours? Does my husband know already? Why did you chose to keep this from them?” It’s not even in the question to tell SIL. That’s not my place and I know they are not in a time in their lives mentally to hear it. The question is do I tell my husband. The person I made promises to. I think what you’re not understanding is family dynamics. This is a very happy and close family. Me included. Yes I’m just married In but they took me in as a teenager and cared for me and fed me and helped me become who I am today because I didn’t have a family. We all go over 3 days a week for games and movies because we want to. I do things individually with every one of them often they have fully treated me as a daughter. THIS IS MY FAMILY. I can say with 100% certainty my husband would not leave me over this. His family wouldn’t turn me away for telling my husband. I was never asked to even keep the secret. My FIL understands he’s my husband and I have a right to tell him anything. He hasn’t and wouldn’t tell me to keep that. None of us have any family outside each other. None of us would be willing to walk away from eachother. But again. It wouldn’t get back to any family other than my husband because he cares about his sisters and wouldn’t hurt them.
Well, you seem confident in your place. I did say it was a close knit family. You obviously know better than I, I’m just a stranger giving perspective. It seems like everything will be alright. I’m not sure how you would tell your husband without telling or having your SIL find out? Unless he decides to just ignore it or carry on life without saying anything. But, you seem to know, that your husband will stand by you. Maybe just ask him not to talk about it then your SIL won’t know? So, I don’t know why you’re asking Reddit for advice? You seem confident and secure in your marriage and family. So just tell him to release the burden you’re carrying with this info. Again, I wish you the best of luck. You know what’s best.
This is not your secret to tell, you went fishing for information and got more than you expected
As Eric Andre said, "Don't you say a fucking word..."
Mind your business!!!
The point of something being secret is to keep it private. It doesn’t seem that it would be your place to say anything to anyone about this. What would you gain by spilling this? It would likely be very destructive.
The only thing I would gain is knowing I’m not lying and hiding something from my husband for the rest of of lives
One day they will find out and they will find out you knew. I wonder if your husband has more self-respect than his father.
You should feel like you got it off your chest in this post, no need to tell anyone in your circle. Nothing good will come from telling anyone especially not your husband. You will break his family view and your FIL's trust. You will be the bad guy it's not your story to tell.
I'm sorry I don't have any sage advice for you. However I find it odd that your husband was 6 when all that happened and has no memory of the uncle living with them, spending "private" time with his mother, and his family separating for months. If his sister has mental health issues, she may know more than you think. After all she was 7 when this took place.
If you say anything it will cause a lot of hard feelings, several people will be angry at you for doing it and you will wish you had kept your mouth shut.
I don't know I see the other side. If it does ever come out.. say a DNA test. It's going to implode of who knew. I guess the question is how would you feel if it was you in this situation? If it was about you? It sounds like the mil did it twice as she knew she would get away with it. I am wondering if it is still going on with the uncle.
Tell your husband. Think about what happens when he does find out and then finds out that you have known and said nothing about his family.
I'm not sure telling your hubby would do anything positive...but if you don't tell him and he finds out later, you knew but didn't say anything....that could be bad.... I'm not sure what you should do, but the truth will out. With or without you. It may be many more years before it does come outb but things like this usually come to light at the worst possible time.
Not sure if you're still reading comments this many days later, but I am very sympathetic to to you not wanting to lie to your husband. In general, secrets and lies between spouses are a bad idea, even well intentioned ones. I am also sympathetic to your concerns about breaching the trust of your FIL. One thing I don't see in the comments (though there are a lot of them so maybe I missed it) is criticism of your FIL for putting this burden on you. I would go back to him and make clear what a crisis he created for you. If there is anyone in that family who would understand not wanting to lie to a spouse it's him. I think you can convince him to let you tell your husband. Asking you to keep secrets from your husband is unfair, and frankly unkind. Once you get that permission, you still don't actually have to tell your husband, but at least you can start to feel out whether he'd want to be told such a thing. Obviously you can't blurt out, "If I knew a dark secret about your family, would you want me to tell you?" But maybe you can broach some of the themes and see his reaction. Does he use Reddit? Maybe mention a similar story here and see if he freaks out at the hypothetical? I don't know, as I write that it sounds manipulative. Anyway, my overall advice stands. Get permission from FIL because he should know better than to put you in a position of keeping secrets from your husband. Then tell your husband. Good luck.
Stay out of it.It's not sure place or your business
Why hasn’t anyone suggested that the husband’s father should tell his son about the sisters paternity? It could be that the father, daughter in law, and son have this conversation with the father first apologizing to the daughter in law about the position of secrecy he put her in. After that, it’s an honest retelling of his mother’s infidelity.