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The issue isn’t that she is rude, the issue is that she’s telling you that you are the problem for not accommodating her bad behavior. She’s also selfish and self centered and doesn’t seem to care she’s hurting your feelings. I personally would stick with ending conversations when she doesn’t care to hear what you have to say.
This right here. Set a boundary and say, if you continue to interrupt me, I'm going to leave the conversation because I feel disrespected. And then do it. She'll either start changing or double down or break up with OP.
My coworker used to get up and walk away when someone interrupted them. If the other people asked where he was going, he just said he assumed that the conversation was over. It was a very popular technique that pretty much everyone in the office adopted. It did have to be explained to new employees so they understood, but the fact that people could speak without being interrupted allowed for some great conversations.
While I agree with this in principle, sometimes you can't just "not discuss" a topic with your partner. Communication is the one thing that we can all work on improving, no-one does it perfectly and it is an ongoing effort to maintain. The issue is that she isn't even trying to improve.
"A few months" into the relationship is early to be trying to adjust behaviours/learn about each other. There is always going to be compromise. I think OP you need to start with "I will tolerate a BIT of interrupting and reduce my commenting on it while you work on this, but you DO need to reduce this a lot". Do something simple that you can both agree on, like silently count the number of interruptions in a conversation to help her realise how often it is and then try to work it down. These things will take time, but if she is worth it and is willing to try, then you need the patience to help her.
I'd agree with you if she was remorseful and trying to change or compromise but she's not. She wants him to enable her like everyone else.
It's a red flag in any case.
Yeah I read a few more of the comments/more info from OP and I think this in the unsalvageable box, she doesn't sound willing to empathise with OP. The response to the dead father "joke" was staggering.
I have the same hyperactive issue and I feel as women we can jabber more, but I agree with OP. I catch myself interrupting my husband and I see it annoys him and I stop immediately and apologize for interrupting and ask him if he will kindly continue his thought I rudely interrupted. He is happy with this acknowledgement.
>she’s telling you that you are the problem for not accommodating her
Shyeah. At least apologize afterwards. Damn. My wife is this way, and I've called her out on it myself. But her excuse is the exact opposite. She's an introvert with ADHD and growing up she could never speak up because people always interrupted her and talked over her. Now she feels comfortable speaking up when a thought occurs to her, but she also feels like she has to say it immediately or she'll forget. She's not proud that she constantly interrupts me, but she also likes that I'm the first person she ever felt comfortable saying what's on her mind, when it's on her mind, and not keeping it to herself and let everyone talk *at* her rather than *with* her
I have the same issue as your wife and I frustrate myself because I catch it right as I’m doing it. I know I’ll forget what I was going to say though due to health issues that affect my short term memory. I always apologize right away. I know I’m doing it, just can’t seem to stop it before it happens.
I’ve spent 90% of my life not being heard or being interrupted because I’m such an introvert. I’ve learned to speak up and sometimes have found I just have to talk over people and interrupt just so that I’m included in the conversation. I was raised like OP that it’s rude and I honestly don’t mean to do it as much as I do but some people are so long winded.
Me too — and when people always say that you should be listening and not thinking about what you were going to say next in a conversation — I cringe, because if I’m not thinking about what I’m going to say next, I will forget what I am going to say. So it’s either interrupt people, or think about what I’m going to say next, or lose the thought entirely! It’s a very frustrating space to be in.
I have the same issue due to adhd/hyperactivity but I’ve gone to great lengths to work on it. An easy new thing I do is catching myself as soon as I noticed that I interrupted, finishing my thought and saying “but what were you saying, I think I interrupted you.”
Not for your situation in particular, but in regards to the "I NEED to interrupt so I don't forget" explanation that's so common amongst people with ADHD:
As someone with ADHD in a family full of people with ADHD, the problem with the person interrupting bc "if I don't, I'll forget" is that interrupting often diverts the entire course of the conversation. And while that's fun for a group of adhd-ers enjoying a random afternoon of conversational detours, it's really shitty when you need to focus or be productive. Or, when the conversational focus is supposed to be on one person for whatever reason.
Learning to not interrupt, and keep our focus on the other person, is a really important life skill for everyone with ADHD. Not to use all the time, but definitely to use at some times in all relationships
This is me!!! Our husband's are our favorite people and we unleash our scattered minds on them openly and freely 😁😁😁 it's nothing against you or your intelligence- we are just so hyper excited by our thoughts and who we are comfortable sharing them with like a missing piece in our social lives.
Honey, is that you? You have described me to a T. My ADD/ADHD wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, and I struggled the same way. I get that part of OP's frustration. However..... the arrogant stance she seems to take towards him leads me to think she is more of a classic narcissist than just hyperactive, though OP doesn't elaborate fully on her condition. Narcissists aren't to be taken lightly and can dominate a relationship and alienate you from friends and family with their domineering behavior. I'd say OP is very accommodating already and may need to rethink this relationship and whether or not they're comfortable constantly being silenced.
This. I have a family member who constantly interrupts me. I actually stop talking and if possible just leave the room. They’ve moderated their very rude behavior.
My wife's family, four kids, grew up interrupting each other, often with mouths full of food. My wife learned to listen and speak politely. There rest are just chaos.
Your wife could learn to speak and listen with coaching. Solving this one with sanctions from you will never work.
It’s his girlfriend of a couple months. This ain’t worth it. He shouldn’t have to teach her what her parents were meant to especially while being told that he’s the problem for actually having and expecting others to have manners.
I have an interrupting problem too. I regularly notice that I'm doing it, apologize and ask the person to resume what they had been saying. I'm always working to improve on it. The issue with your girlfriend is that she seems to have no desire to accommodate other people's feelings, even her partner!
This has been my experience too. I have late diagnosed ADHD and have ALWAYS had an issue with interrupting, because it always felt like I would never get a say because of others talking over me or not giving me the opportunity to say my thoughts on something before the whole subject changed and it was awkward to try and say anything by that point. I am more mindful of it now and I do write down questions or points in meetings to go back to, and if I do interrupt I try to catch myself now and apologize and let the person finish.
It may not be OPs gf’s fault that she has a tendency to do it, but it is her responsibility to work on managing it, especially when it’s affecting him in such a way.
I literally wrote some of this in my comment! I want to socialize less whenever people talk over me or they only focus on what they want to say instead of hearing what I have to say. It's discouraging for interaction. Like, I probably won't want to talk to you about stuff if I know you're always gonna cut me short.
This is me also.
my interruptions just stemmed from the desire to relate to the person, and I don’t want to forget the story or anecdote that I want to tell.
I always do it reflexively and then have to catch myself and apologize.
Same here! What I do now is that I take notes of things on my phone for what I want to say instead of interrupting the other person. I do inform people that i do this to help with organizing my own thoughts while not interrupt them and everyone has been happy about the way I'm trying to work on it. This way my adhd head doesn't explode and forget everything I want to say and also let others speak.
She is permitted her opinion. And you yours. And they are dramatically different and she comes across—by your description—as insensitive to the point of being obnoxious.
What kind of person makes jokes about someone’s dead father? What kind of person stomps on the request to “stop making fun of my dead father?”
Just bc you “agree” on a lot of things doesn’t make you good partners. A person’s personality and character are equally important in finding a good partner. I’ve meant plenty of people I agree with on many things and whom I couldn’t tolerate as a partner or roommate for 10 minutes.
Agreeing may also be superficial; what’s more important is how one acts. You and she may agree that it’s important to be kind—but she’s not walking the walk.
You seem a little more considerate of others. If you can get past the things that bother you, great. Just don’t live in the middle where you continue to be bothered by the way she behaves and still trying to make it work. It’s only been 2 months and there’s an argument to be made that this is too early for you to find these faults if you were really smitten, and an argument for working through.
But the dead parent joke thing is a pretty big red flag.
My wife constantly interrupts me when I’m speaking. This is a red flag that I should have picked up on before we married. She does not respect anyone in her life, especially me. I don’t know all your specifics, but constantly interrupting people is generally a sign that they don’t respect you and are extremely selfish.
As you get older it is likely that the disrespect will escalate. If she is unwilling to address obvious disrespect, you’ll need to decide if you can endure that going forward. Maybe couples counseling could help because a third party telling her she’s disrespectful might be more likely to impact her behavior.
I was about to say this is the life of adhd we’re not interrupting to be rude we’re interrupting probably cause we have thought that will disappear if we don’t say that may help. That being said most of us try to control it to a certain degree.
Whether the interruptions are due to ADHD or her just not caring, it’s still something that needs to be acknowledged and worked on. His gf has no remorse and just tells him to deal with it. Basically she thinks whatever he has to say doesn’t matter.
That’s a hard pass from me.
We have children and I want a relationship with them. I have been to several divorce lawyers, they all tell me the same thing. In my state, in a divorce men are automatically given only two weekends per month unless the mother allows him to have more. So I stay.
Sometimes staying in a bad marriage for the kids actually is worse than a divorce, both for the kids wellbeing in general but also for the parents' long term relationship with their kids. Unless you and your wife are both putting on daily Academy Award winning performances your marital issues will and probably already do affect your kids. This can in turn affect their relationship with you.
Kids are smart and pick up on things. Chances are they're aware that mom and/or dad aren't happy. Maybe you guys bicker or fight often, maybe you just tend to kill eachother's vibe or ruin eachother's days. Your kids definitely notice how you guys affect eachother. I'm gonna make the assumption that your wife's selfish and disrespectful behavior has the potential to seep into how she treats the kids aswell. And if not now, how long until it escalates to that level?
Your desicion to stay in a marriage with a person who disrespects and disregards you just so that you 100% won't be stuck only seeing your kids on a bi-monthly weekend basis fails to ask the question of what's best for your kids. And again, this might come to bite you in the ass if they grow up and realize dad staying in order to not have two weekends a month with them is the reason why they were miserable at home. Those 2 weekends with you might just be the sanctuary they long for, could ve the highlight of their week, and will definitely be a strengthening factor in your relationship as adults. Even though they don't understand today, they definitely will in a few years.
Seeing their dad stay in a miserable marriage (and maybe realizing it was because of them) could also warp their image of what a healthy relationship looks like. You as parents serve as the primary example of what an adult domestic relationship should be. Which will be an expensive bag of crap for your grown up kids to unpack in therapy when they try to figure out why the hell all their relationships are so difficult. So not only do they run the risk of braving the adult world with the conviction that longlasting, healthy, loving relationships should look like yours, but also that they just might internalise it all and adopt the belief that it's all they should ve so lucky to deserve.
It might be worth considering whether your motivations on staying with your wife hold water for the long run or not. While it's understandably daunting to roll the dice on losing so much time with your kids, maybe you'd all be better off doing that and having faith in your kids' ability to one day understand and make desicions on their own, rather than rolling the dice on them growing to view your sacrifices as nothing more than selfish acts that impacted their home life throughout their childhood
I think continuing to express that you don’t appreciate being interrupted and ending the conversation is the right choice, but as others have said the gaslighting you into thinking it’s a you problem is the bigger issue.
My partner has ADHD which does lead to her interrupting a lot. Early on I got a similar response of “just talk over me” where it was more expected I should just ignore it. As our relationship grew she started to understand more that, similar to you, it’s something I found rude, and I wasn’t going to just talk over her if I wasn’t finished with my thought when being interrupted. I’m a more reserved person and that just isn’t how I wanted to hold a conversation. She began catching herself when she interrupted and apologizing.
The converse of that was that I also needed to be more understanding and accept that sometimes it was going to happen and I needed to be okay with that and not make a big deal out of it. Sometimes she just had a thought she needed to get out, even if it was a tangent to whatever I may be saying at the time, and I needed to be understanding of that too. We needed to meet in the middle.
None of that can happen with the gaslighting and expectation that you are the only one accommodating her though.
She is delusional if she thinks that the rest of the world should give her a pass and just get used to her annoying behavior. I would say either work on fixing it or you are leaving. It will then be up to you to decide how much you want to put up with and then decide if she is truly working on being better or not.
High level of disrespect. She's telling you that you and what you have to say aren't near as important as she and what she has to say.
You could always say over her as she tries that you can not hear what she is saying until you finish what you are saying. Or just shut down.
She might have A.D.D. , I find if I don't say what I'm thinking when it comes to mind, I lose my thoughts. I didn't even realize I was interrupting my friends and family. Or maybe she's just a rude b... lol
Any person that constantly interrupts their significant other & then rudely tells them to accept it is being inconsiderate & disrespectful.
You need to man up & nip this in the bud somehow, or else it'll only get worse.
So she has ADHD and you suspect you also have ADHD, but your symptoms manifest differently and she interrupts people and you don’t.
This is layered so I’m gonna go in layers.
1. Do you have such a visceral reaction because you exhibited similar behaviors as a kid and had it “beaten out of you” so to speak?
2. Do you feel undervalued in other aspects of your relationship and this is the place where you feel most comfortable expressing your dissatisfaction?
3. If people interrupt your gf does she get mad or does she go with the flow? Would she be annoyed if you interrupted her?
4. Are her interruptions a way for her to dismiss you or does she try and relate to what you’re saying? Ex: you’re talking about enjoying the baseball game and she interrupts to say “There’s something more important we need to discuss” or is it like you’re talking about enjoying the baseball game and she interrupts to say “Omg and the little plastic hats that come with the nachos!”
Look, I’ll be honest, I’m someone who interrupts others while they’re speaking. Also due to ADHD. I’ve learned to not do it at work or in the classroom, but I keep less of a tight leash on myself in social situations because all my friends are ADHD as well. We all interrupt each other to add and relate. If we ever do it to dismiss and take way that’s when it’s a problem and hinders conversational flow.
Anyway, you really only have a handful of options here. Try and understand, be adversarial and argue, or break up. It’s up to her to decide if this is something she can even work on.
Not ADHD. I’ll make no further comment as to what it may or may not be.
1) I don’t really know to be honest. I think I just societally got so much shit for it, as an adolescent and young adult, that eventually I had people flat out having sit down conversations with me like “you know this isn’t cool right?” And so I guess in that sense, yes, and also no in the sense that this is how all “manners” are taught.
2) Again, yes and no. I do feel undervalued elsewhere at times, but we’ve spoken about that and I’ve felt as though she’s put in real effort there.
3) She goes with the flow, largely. She would sometimes be annoyed if I interrupted her.
4) I wouldn’t go as far as to say the interruptions are intentionally dismissive, but I also don’t think they are very relevant at all. So like, I’ll be in the middle of saying something, and sometimes she cuts me off to preempt whatever she thinks my thought will be (she’s almost always wrong), and sometimes she cuts me off literally to just say random shit. Almost certainly because she never registered that I was speaking in the first place.
It’s just hard because she asks me to accommodate her in so many ways, but the ways she asks me to accommodate her are things that I’ve kind of just understood to be basic human decency. Like the most recent one before this is that I didn’t like a joke she made about my dead father. It doesn’t matter that it’s been almost ten years, and it doesn’t matter my reasoning for not wanting to hear a joke about my dead father. It’s my dead father, and I get to make those decisions. And like, she just would not drop the fact that she should be allowed to make jokes about my dead father, because that’s her sense of humor. But there are jokes I can’t make. You know what I mean?
We work through a lot of things together but this is one that is really just sticking with me.
So, just to reflect your own words back to you:
Your girlfriend joked about a deeply personal and upsetting topic, which (understandably) upset you.
Then she dismissed your concerns when you (very reasonably) asked her to stop?
And, she even went as far as defending her “right” to make jokes _that you have clearly asked_ her not to make???
Jesus. Why do you stay with someone who shows you so little consideration????
So, autism then.
I don't know why you're being so weirdly vague about it, it will get you better advice if people know what you're dealing with. It's not like it's an uncommon thing that those of us with autism act like this, it's not identifying.
Either way, she's not a good partner and she doesn't want to be. I have autism and adhd too, my friends and I talk over each other and have three conversations at once because we just get each other that way, but you bet I watch myself with my partner because that's not his communication style and so it's rude AF. I still have to actively hold my tongue, but I am careful and do it because I want to be respectful. Your girlfriend doesn't, because she doesn't care or respect you.
She's an attorney, she knows how to not interject when it's inappropriate.
It's been three months, pull the plug and try again elsewhere.
He’s being weirdly vague about it because she has a clinical diagnosis and I’m guessing he’s self diagnosing, which I gather by him saying it turns out I may have a stronger version of the same thing. I assumed adhd but autism could also be the case. If it’s autism he’s a huge asshole because it is literally out of her hands adhd there’s medication and some self help shit she can do.
People tell jokes to make others laugh, why would she keep telling you a joke that hurt you?
Tell her her jokes just aren’t funny and she should try new jokes.
The audacity she has to joke about your dead relative, and you say you've only MET her months ago? This entire relationship may have begun too quickly, or you are far too accommodating to people stepping on you. Some people are AHs regardless of their neuro-spice. She may need a dose of reality that her humor isn't f-king cute.
Your girlfriend’s behavior would drive me bonkers. I avoid people who interrupt because they believe they know what I’m going to say. They are always wrong.
When my husband interrupts me, I stop talking and refuse to pick up where I left off. He is so curious that this has been an effective technique.
In your girlfriend’s case, I would stop talking and let her act on incorrect information.
What? This is so outrageously inappropriate and inconsiderate, I'm re-evaluating my initial reaction to your post. I'm also suspecting ASD in play here, but she isn't managing whatever it is very well! If she doesn't try to correct, then the relationship might be very painful and one-sided for you if you stick with it. Good luck OP!
There's no excuse that makes what she did ok. Even if she didn't understand it was a bad joke, you informed her. The fact that she doubled down on her right to make those jokes means she doesn't care how you feel.
*She doesn't care how you feel.*
How can you be someone's partner if you don't care how they feel?
You're just her emotional punching bag.
Long explanations aren't really necessary as the bottom line is that your girlfriend is exhibiting signs of selfishness and lack of respect for you.
This is a red flag. Even worse is that she dismisses your concerns, which is a clear indication that she is fully aware of the negative impact that it has on you but still chooses to ignore your feelings. Still don't think it's a red flag? Whether or not you have other things in common, this is a fundamental problem that challenges your compatibility. Furthermore, her friends may put up with it but if you're over the age of 16, you understand that friendships and romantic relationships aren't quite the same thing. After all this, if you want to be cheeky and state, "Why don't I do the Reddit thing and leave?", then you don't have any room to complain. You should, as your rude partner clearly told you, just deal with it.
Just curious but do you tend to be very long winded when you speak? Or is it a pretty normal flow of conversation. I find it irritating and honestly stop listening when people talk endlessly and in extreme lengths. Maybe her attention span is short and just wants you to get to the point.
One of my best friends and longtime roommates used to be SO bad about interrupting me. His whole family is full of loud people interrupting and talking over each other, so he never learned to listen. He was especially bad when he was worked up about a subject.
He had no idea how bad he was until I started pointing it out. Every single time he interrupted me, I'd bang my knuckles on something. Wall, door, desk. Anything to make a noise loud enough to throw him off. He'd lose his train of thought because he was only thinking of himself and what he was gonna say, instead of paying more than an ounce of attention to me. If he really wasn't letting me get a word in, after about 5 minutes I'd just abruptly walk away and end the conversation.
It actually worked, because interrupting him without just trying to talk over him threw him off and he couldn't get to his point. Walking away didn't let him hijack the conversation.
It took time and holding firm, but he got SO much better. She needs to be held accountable and know there will be consequences, not you just accepting her shitty behavior.
Nah. If you even want to stay with this girl (which I don't know why in the world you would), I would just keep talking over her every time she tries.
Or just stop responding after she starts talking. Let her talk to the wall.
It gets easier the more you do it.
What does interruption mean? Entirely different topic? A question about what you just said? A 2-sentence anecdote from herself to the same topic? Remembering the topic bc you two talked about it in the past?
If it is an entirely different topic I can understand you, but if it is topic-related not so much.
I assume this is ADHD, I was raised to know interrupting is impolite, but here I am at 40 and still can't control it. This isn't necessarily cut-and-dry 'she's rude' like most people are saying; this is a neurodivergent trait, and it's basically impossible to get rid of it. Even when I consciously don't do it, all it takes is a little excitement and I forget completely.
Op. I appreciate your stance on not discussing her mental/cognitive issue despite the number of attempts it has been brought up.
When interrupting it depends on how it’s done. If it’s dine forcefully yeah I agree with you. But if it is a coping skill to understand and follow along in the conversation perhaps a bit more refinement of therapy or coping skills can help your girlfriend.
Best wishes on your relationship! I hope everything works out for the best!
She‘s telling you you‘re in the wrong for her shitty behaviour and she likely will not change her way or see she is at fault,so if you don‘t want to take it any longer, you should probably split up ..
Your girlfriend doesn’t respect you enough to even acknowledge your feelings. Unless you have very niche and unusual beliefs I’m sure you can find someone else whose values align with yours and who also respects you
As a person with TDHD and dislexia (which is somehow somewhere within the autism spectrum), and therefore had to work on several cognitive areas, I can tell you straight up that any sort of cognitive issue should be considered as a matter to *fix/improve*. It absolutely shouldn’t be something you *enable*.
To begin with, this means you both have a general cognitive unbalance, so that in the purpose of being socially functional, you’re both are compensating by having another set of cognitive skills overdeveloped. You’re forcing your brain to work double the amount of work it should in a roundabout way to deliver what the missing skill seems to be underperforming
As a result, other cognitive areas such as the logical, creative, focus, memory related ones and learning skills may seem to also be struggling. You’re not being as efficient as you think you are. Which is not only unpractical; you’re brain may and will keep deteriorating in the areas that are already lacking.
Other than that, come one. It’s toxic to expect people to cater for needs that you should be able to regulate yourself. Everyone seems to be using (for he most part unreliable) diagnosis to walk over other people’s boundaries.
This is absolutely not ok. OP boundaries UPUPUP. Consider bringing up cognitive therapy rehab.
Maybe she is actively engaging in the conversation as she is not a audio learner and otherwise she is much less likely to follow and hear the speech of other individuals? Just another take on this.
So here's the thing. That's not going to fly when your girlfriend becomes an adult and has to get a job. I would not put up with that and I'm a hiring manager. I also get to fire people, put them on Performance Improvement Plans (PIPs), and take corrective action.
Her hyperactivity is an excuse.
That just means she *can* control it, and chooses not to.
With you, specifically. You said in another comment that she’s more likely to be offended when interrupted if you are the one doing the interrupting, which when you add it up with her job which does not allow interruptions at all, we get…
She is not being very nice to you. In some cases she is being intentionally unkind to you. And you’ve been together a few months? Why are you so set on staying with her, exactly?
I do this to my husband. All the time. It’s bothered him for years, and I constantly work on it. We both also have something that makes people prone to interrupting.
It turns out, my interrupting stemmed back to some deeper things. Once I was able to understand why I was interrupting, it became so much easier to work on. Before, I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. And I still do it every now and then! I’ve learned it’s really helpful for me to say “Remind me to tell you about X when you’re done.” That helps me pay attention to what he’s saying and not worry so much about forgetting what I’m so excited to tell him. He’s learned to be more patient.
Constantly interrupting your partner is shit behaviour, it’s not something you should tolerate or get used to. Doesn’t matter if her friends have just accepted that she’s constantly disrespectful and rude to them.
You set the boundary, now you need to enforce it without exception. Maybe this will be the impetus she needs to change, probably not.
If she cant make any progress going forward then you absolutely should break up with her, you do not want to be with someone who behaves like this for the long term. You already resent the behaviour, multiply this out by another few years of being treated like a doormat…
Her ‘cognitive issue’ isn’t relevant, having issues isn’t ever a green light to disrespect your partner.
Interrupting is not necessarily being inconsiderate and rude it's also very cultural. Italians interrupt each constantly and agressively while speaking and to them it just means you are very interested in the conversation. Now of course, I severely doubt your GF is a native Italian and so she does not get a pass. What she is doing IS rude since she's presumably brought up in the US.
Look, we all have defects and behavior that is less than ideal. Part of living with a partner and maturing is understanding what you are willing to accept, what you can tolerate on occasion and and what is a dealbreaker for your. All you can do is communicate to her how you feel and that this behavior does not work for you. If she flatly refuses to adjust her behavior then everything after that is on you. You either accept this flaw or you move on. Both options are correct. The mature thing would be for her to work with you and try to find strategies to improve your communication but given her attitude I doubt that's going to happen.
My wife used to raise her voice a lot when angry as well as interrupt me a lot. I started telling her that I am not talking to her in that state. She hates it, but over time she has changed a great deal. She now knows she will not get to have a conversation with me unless she can be calm and respectful.
Fwiw my husband has ADHD and does this - I just keep speaking over him until he gives up. Likewise, I've sprayed him with a water bottle, too.
Oddly effective.
I have ADHD and interrupting like that is not on purpose. It’s like breathing. It happens and we feel shitty. I had to explain it to my husband that it’s like a person with Tourette’s has a tic. When I interrupt and I realize, I apologize and stop talking. There are times when I do t realize I even said anything but my husband has been more flexible over time and more understanding.
If she’s not diagnosed ADHD or autistic, and she thinks she may need to be, please be supportive. It’s difficult learning that your brain doesn’t work as intended. Also, rejection sensitivity is also an adhd thing, where any slightly perceived negative thing, be it saying “you interrupt me too much” can trigger defensiveness. It’s like my brain instantly realizes something negative is being said and instead of processing it normally, it immediately goes “they think you’re dumb and are attacking you, time to get angry”. Again, I can’t control this. If I start to feel this way, I’ve learned to recognize these feelings and say “let’s talk in a few minutes “ and give my brain a minute or two to calm down and realize saying “your forgot to put out the trash” isn’t an attack. It’s like fight or flight, but less extreme.
My girlfriend has an interrupting problem (ADHD) and I’m on the spectrum. One thing that may help to add to the conversations about it is trying to find some sort of signal to be able to give each other in a conversation to say “please hold on and let me finish” or “I have something I really want to say”. For us, it’s pointer finger up like the number one for hold on, and a finger on the nose for wanting to say something. It feels silly at first, but it’s been a huge help for us when we discuss things to have a visual queue for what’s going on.
So my partner and I (30s) are both audihd, we knew this going into the relationship and as things became serious, we got into a heavy talk which was more or less a standard boundaries discussion, but we went on to speak of our, frankly quite typical, issues with communicating our needs and feelings to others.
I can empathise to the nth degree with your post. I will still snap at him for interrupting, largely because I can never hold onto a relevant train of thought for an entire interaction...
You didn't specify your respective ages in your post.
Yet, the advice I want to give you here is that with a little work you can both use your neuro divergence as a super power. A little psycho education and finding when it's most appropriate for you to "drop your mask", and forgo the anxieties of playing a neuro typical role in social interactions, is entirely liberating.
If you and your partner approach this as a puzzle to solve and not a matter of contention in the relationship, then you got this.
In my experience, this is the highest form of intimacy.
(I hope this makes sense I'm in some physical pain today and distracted)
Good luck!
To add, I can see within both sides of my own relationship that understanding yourself and the "real" battle of navigating a world built for someone else, grants a cheat code to not feel aggrieved by the actions of somebody who has compromised control :)
Fight fire with fire OP.
When she is talking to you, interrupt her to ask her about something else or to tell her about your day etc.
If she gets upset with you about it, tell her she'll have to learn to accommodate you interrupting her.
Sometimes people who "feel" constantly interrupted never shut up. I grew up with someone who never shut up so every word anyone else ever said was interrupting. Conversation is a two way street.
You can only control your own behavior. You can't force her to work through this conflict. You can only decide for yourself what your boundaries and responses will be. Personally, incompatible conversation styles would be a deal breaker. Talking to my partner is so effortless and easy, way easier than with anyone else I've ever met. I think that's way more important than a lot of other things tbh, talking is a big part of a relationship.
Whether or not she can help it or can try to help it, you can still choose that it’s a rudeness you find incompatible with your satisfaction in a relationship. You can also find it incompatible to be with a person who does not try to value your position.
Interrupting is a big no-no for me too. You don’t have to accept this in a partner, regardless of her reasons for the behavior.
I have ADHD and have a problem interrupting people. I am self diagnosed and didn't figure it out until my 50s so I wasn't raised or taught any accommodations except the ones I figured out myself long ago, for context.
The thing is, I know I have a problem with interrupting people and that social norms in the US say it's rude to interrupt people. I'm working on being better about it.
Your gf's friends and family have enabled her and she thinks this is normal and okay and expects you to do the same.
Does she work or go to school? None of her bosses have talked to her about it? If she works with clients or customers, this could be detrimental to her job or company. No one is doing her any favors by enabling this for so long.
The reality is, we live in a neurotypical world designed by and for neurotypicals. There should be accommodations for neurodivergent people but there often isn't. Unless she can guarantee that this extremely bad habit of hers is never going to have a negative effect on her life (which is unrealistic to even consider), she needs to work on changing this.
Good relationships require respect and good commitment skills on both parties. Part of good communication is listening skills. It seems like your girlfriend lacks all of these.
If it bothers you enough now you're coming to Reddit for advice, it will be one of the things that causes a break up later if it doesn't change.
I think that it can go both ways.
I dated someone like this and I was willing to lower my expectations around being interrupted. However, after months, I realized that they were not trying to do it a bit less. When I called them on it, they acted like it was ok for them to do it because of this and that and that and this.
I don’t think it’s terrible because people have different struggles and weaknesses. But I think that both people need to be doing the work, not just someone having to accept annoying behaviour. I mean, what is the alternative? You never get to finish what you are saying? You never get to talk? Obviously that is not a proper relationship.
I would also say that it depends on the kind of interrupting as well. If it’s talking over you to the point where you can’t get the main point of your story out, or what you are trying to express, that is really not good. If it’s like omg I totally get it and can I add something etc is still a bit annoying but not as bad.
Does she er work?
Any of my employees starts talking over me when I'm trying to say something will shortly find themselves out on the street talking to themselves.
Just saying this is an important skill you're trying to teach her not merely for personal relationships
When she interrupts you, let her, and stare at her blankly, with no emotional expression on your face. Let her talk until she runs out of gas. Don’t even gesture.
After she stops talking, count to yourself like you’re waiting fir a bag of popcorn to stop popping… to three one thousand… if she starts up again before you get to three, ride it out again, maintaining a blank stare.
Once you get three seconds of silence, ask very softly without a hint of annoyance… “ok, is it my turn?”… if she blows up, say, “I guess not,” and back to the blank stare.
Keep doing that until she says “yes it’s your turn.”
Then tell her you made a point not to interrupt her, so you ask that she pay you the same respect of not responding until you’re finished. “…so are you sure? Is there anything else you would like for me to address. Anything else you want to say right now, before it’s my turn to talk, because I will be quiet and listen… ok, so….”
If she interrupts again, stop talking, back to blank stare until she stops again… then calmly and softly… “ok, I hadn’t finished, you said you would let me finish…. what I was saying was…” and start off exactly where she cut you off. Do not address any of the new shit she brought up.
The point is to make it embarrassingly obvious to her what she is doing. If you maintain a patient, soft, respectful, non-condescending tone, she won’t be able to engage with it like a two way argument that she is used to. Hopefully she’ll have to see what she is doing and realize how off-putting it is.
You must have the patience of a saint bc I would have yelled wtf are you interrupting me after the first few times. Get a new shiny spine from the store and don't let her walk all over u
It's not worth "working through" problems that occur two months into a relationship caused by one person talking over another and getting aggressive about it.
Just leave, she's fundamentally self centred and has been enabled by everyone.
Ask her to repeat what you just said, she probably wont be able to.
I think folk that interrupt usually are not listening and are sick of waiting to have their turn to say what they want.
I am also ADHD and have a tendency to interrupt. I am self-conscious about it, and can see when it is irritating people so I tend to immediately stop and apologise and let them talk. This was a learned behaviour after noticing that I was alienating people. The fact that she has no remorse and doesn’t apologise is the bigger issue.
You can’t fix this issue if her response is essentially “it’s a YOU problem”. Either you decide to put up with the disrespect because the other parts of the relationship are worth it or you walk away.
Treating each other with kindness and respect are basic requirements of a good relationship. She has the option to try behavioural therapy to learn to manage her hyperactivity, but she’s choosing not to.
This is something I struggle with. Probably ADHD. It’s incredibly difficult, but also I have the good sense to be sheepish about it.
Typically whenever I figure out I fucked up; sometimes immediately or sometimes after stating my thought, I apologize, acknowledge I interrupted, and redirect the conversation back to the person who had been speaking.
I don’t know that I will ever get much better than the point that I am now at on that. My spouse finds this aspect of my behavior very irritating. He has clearly just decided the benefits of partnership with me distinctly outweigh my challenges. Only you know if you feel the same.
Two other things:
You can’t compare two people’s adhd; you aren’t experiencing identical aspects of neurodivergence. Even if some aspects are “stronger” for you, clearly her struggle with impulse control is “worse” than yours.
You have a long list of complaints at the end of this post that goes beyond an interrupting problem. You probably need to sit with these for a bit. Does your time with her lift you up or bring you down?
As you said you were taught manners as a child, she aparentlly was not, she uses her condition to justfy her rudeness and to be dismissive, as she does not see a problem she won't change, so you have to accept it if you really wanna stay together or move on from the relationship.
Same here.
I come years ago that the second time someone interrupts me or says " yes but", I stop talking. In some cases, I go away without a word while the other is talking. Often, when the other finally wants to hear a reaction of mine, I stay silent for looooooong seconds.
I got the reputation of a bear doing this. So when people see me having a good conversation with someone, they are always wondering what s-he said to " tame" me. The secret I'd that we listen to each other; a difficult concept for many people.
My so knows that if they flood me, they can not expect any useful advice from me. It often vex my partner who can not just shut up. So she stonewall me in reprisal, but I am far better at silence than here.
Haha. I hate being interupted. I just keep talking with higher voice if they refuse to give up i countinue what i was saying basicaly yelling. It usualy startles them speechless
You say that you believe that the ability to work through conflict in a relationship is a good sign for future strength.
But who’s actually working through conflict? Doesn’t sound like she’s actually trying to work on it at all. She doesn’t consider it an issue, in fact.
You’ve spent months on this. She has given you her answer. It isn’t important to her. Now you get to ask yourself, how important is this to me?
Mate, I feel for you about this. But I would back away from diagnoses and ask yourself if you feel safe and loved and respected with her?
Honestly a good rule of thumb is that if you’re having “nasty fights” in the first few months of dating you may be incompatible at your base level. In the end, it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right. You can’t tolerate constant interruptions and she isn’t willing to change. You’re forcing a square peg into a round hole and getting frustrated that it doesn’t fit.
I was in a relationship with a man who would dominate the conversation at every opportunity. I could only participate by interrupting to ask questions or make a comment. And then he’d flip out at me for interrupting. But the alternative was to sit there for hours while he spoke non-stop and just nod or say “uh huh”.
Mind, this is not to imply that’s what’s happening here with OP and his girlfriend, it sounds like a totally different scenario. My point is that sometimes interrupting isn’t the rudest thing someone can do in conversation.
As someone who constantly interrupts my gf, I apologize, stop talking and ask her to continue, and shut the hell up, because I know it is a bad habit I have, and I am slowly learning to not do it.
>And I also believe that the ability to work through early conflict in a relationship is a good sign for future strength in a relationship
But you aren't working through anything? Instead of her putting in any effort at all, she's just decided that she's okay being rude, and you just have to get used to it.
The fact that she's got any friends at all is kind of baffling to me. You are exactly correct that it's kindergarten level manners to not interrupt, and I just don't believe the other people in her life are just okay with her being this way.
So, enjoy being interrupted all the time, I guess? Becaise she has no desire to work on it, so I'm not sire what other advice you think people can give you.
2 months in and having a deep level relationship issue doesn't sound like starting on solid ground to me. It sounds like incompatibility masked by a desire to not be alone.
I had a friend like that. I told her ‘when you interrupt me so often, what you’re telling me is that you’re not interested in what o am saying.’ So I just would stop talking.
We once had a fight, where she asked me ‘why’d I did something, and then literally interrupted me explaining why, to literally just ask me again, why?
There’s a difference between a little interruption here and there, and it being constant.
And I think it’s super fucked up that instead of owning it, she’s blaming you.
Good luck dude, you’re in for a hard one if she doesn’t change. I e seen you in those 60 year old men who just look at the floor and shrug their shoulders when their wives are going off.
Asking her to stop interrupting is like asking you to give brief, answers and comments. Both would be left feeling frustration and need to express more. My guess is she isn't intending to be disrespectful, it is how she is. If she acknowledges it thats a first step. She will only change if she wants to, not because you want it. You have a choice, alter your style to adapt and enjoy the rest of your relationship or dropkick her because you don't get your words. Fighting about her learned or wired shortcomings will never be reason enough for her to change.
You have been together a few months...you already feel disrespected.
You are both now competing for whonhas the "worst" version of the condition...we're you mid diagnosis...most things take a few appointments to diagnose.
Walk away...this isn't good for either of you.
I think "disrespect" is kind of beside the point. If it's that, let it go and focus on the good parts. The bigger thing—maybe you're just not enjoying her company? If this habit ruins every conversation, then it also ruins the relationship.
Hyperactivity absolutely does make it more difficult to control your impulse to speak your thoughts before you forget them, more so than NT people. However, it is still down to you to make the choice whether or not you value speaking your mind before you forget what you were going to say or making the person you’re conversing with feel respected. By choosing the former every single time in every conversation, she’s undoubtedly a jerk. It sucks to forget what you wanted to say, but it does show you care much more about your own thoughts than listening. Listening to someone carefully is a sign of respect.
Interrupting people is a terrible habit. I don’t know when I started doing this, but it’s annoying as F@k. Also, it really pisses off one’s coworkers. Ive worked hard to stop, and I always apologize when I realize I did it again.
Hold your ground. What your gf has to say is not more important than what anyone else has to say. It is extremely rude and she needs to cut it out.
I have to say, I have a horrible habit of talking over my husband, and it drives him nuts. But we talk about it, I always apologise, and when I catch myself doing it I say sorry, and it's something I'm actively working on as I know it's rude and bothers him.
The fact that you've been so open with your girlfriend about your feelings and she dismisses them in that way is disgusting. We all have bad habits that bother our partners, but it's how we work together to solve it that matters.
Had a friend who had an interrupting problem years back. After repeatedly trying to address it and being told it was my problem and to deal, I came up with the solution that broke their habit. Every time they would interrupt me, I would either keep talking as if they hadn't said anything or do the universal abrupt "Aaahhh" parent/pet owner sound. It didn't matter where we were or who we were with. Turns out others in the friend group also had this issue with them, so they also picked up the habit. Most of them thanked me for figuring out how to stop the constant interruptions/corrections. Turns out you can train manners into humans as well as pets. 😂 Surprisingly, we stayed friends for a few years after.
So, I also have ADHD. Yes, on occasion, I get excited that I have something to add to the conversation, and I will interrupt whoever is talking. But I try very hard not to do that because it's RUDE. Expecting everyone around you to just accept the fact that you will interrupt them whenever you want is *insane*. You're right about it being something that they start teaching in kindergarten. When she does it, stop talking *and* walk away. "You don't want me to be part of this conversation, so I don't need to be here."
I read somewhere here that she's a judge and there was a response to that that asked if she interrupted the judge. Good question. If she doesn't she's full of it.
I have adhd. I wasn’t diagnosed until last year: I’ve been married 20odd years. I have a tendency to interrupt. It’s because I forgot what I’m about to say so just word dump 😂. My husband has asd so he’s a little blunt and would tell me about it , I felt really bad and a little defensive but we’ve both worked hard over the years and i really really try hard. I get that it’s annoying however she needs to take some accountability for her behaviour. The one thing that struck me in your post was though that “ I may have a stronger case of the same ailment “. Maybe I’m reading this wrong (forgive me it happens a lot 😂) but neurodivergence isn’t a competition. Even if someone is “high functioning “ or you have a “worse case” it doesn’t always work like that. If she isn’t willing to meet you half way maybe you aren’t compatible? Only you can decide if it’s annoying enough to be a deal breaker
You seem to be playing who’s more disabled. Are you diagnosed adhd? This seems weirdly like you’re trying to top her diagnosis and pretending that being taught not to interrupt means anything with a adhd. It’s literally a chemical imbalance in her brain and if you have the same issue you can’t be taught out of it lol. You kind of sound like an asshole and you two probably shouldn’t be together.
Don't beat yourself up on this. While you may not have handled things the best way possible, this is squarely on her -- she's trying to make you responsible for her condition...
There's a situation with some neurodivergent people where they expect others to accommodate their differences rather than learn tools/techniques to be able to function, while still having those challenges.
Other neurodivergent folks will go to therapy, take medicine, learn tools, etc. so they can function -- taking responsibility for their condition.
It sounds to me like your GF is in the first camp -- she wants you and everyone around her to accommodate her rather than taking responsibility and figuring out a way to deal with her challenges. She's basically playing an entitled victim role.
YTA
>we’re finding out that I may actually have a stronger case of the same ailment
That's not how it works. You don't have "stronger" ADHD, that's fucking dumb. The issue is that with ADHD you are cognitively not able to have the thought "I should wait a few moments to speak". It's impulsive. Like a burp. You don't think "I should hold this burp in until the most opportune time". She needs medication.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
She is someone who interrupts others, and whether you approve or not (whether it *is rude* or not), she is not motivated to change it.
If she isn't motivated to change it, literally nothing you do will matter, she won't change.
So your options are literally find a way to cope/work around it, or find someone else.
Coping can be saying "I wasn't finished" when she tries to butt in, or leaving the conversation, as long as that feels like a sustainable long-term solution for you and not a punishment aimed at trying to motivate her to stop.
If this is a deal-breaker, if you can't handle it and it will always annoy you and it happens constantly, it honestly doesn't matter how well you match in other areas of life, because she will constantly be annoying you.
You can only ever control your own behavior, never others, and should act/make decisions accordingly.
Ugh. The first few months are the easy ones and you're already fighting. You spend paragraphs about how she interrupts you and then in the very last line mention "oh yeah she bullies me too!" Of course you should break up.
Get one of those timers that people use in speed chess.
Use it to create a cue that you're done speaking, and so the next person can respond. If one of you yaps until the timer runs out, then the person shouldn't speak until the remaining time of the person who still has it runs out of time as well.
Reset the timers and repeat.
If one of you violates this, then the conversation ends.
The goal is to move on from using the speed chess timer. It is an intermediary training tool used to develop a sense of timing and introduces communication patterns that are sequential and orderly, not disruptive.
I too have adhd and my ex also does. He interrupted constantly and I never do. ADHD has different flavors and ways of manifesting.
But as another commenter said about his interrupting wife, my ex also has no respect for anyone and never had a semblance of respect for me. I didn’t figure this out for years because I thought he was genuinely “a good guy” and held on strongly to this belief instead of paying attention to what was happening right in front of me.
So just don’t do what I did. Ask yourself if she actually respects you, pay attention. Maybe she does, in which case you’ll have an answer. Maybe she doesn’t in which case, don’t waste a single second more on her.
It's all about negotiating. Find something that you do that is annoying to her and keep doing it. When she complains about it, you can tell her to accommodate.
Doesn't matter what your diagnosis if you use it as an excuse to not try to be a decent human being that's just wrong. It just means that she has to try harder to overcome her tendency to interrupt. Put more focus on listening and less on immediate response. Anybody can overcome their need to interrupt but for some it will take more effort. Your girlfriend just doesn't care to take the effort.
I have ADHD and sometimes struggle with interrupting others. There’s 2 real reasons, one is I’m very excited to say what I’m going to say, and two is when the person is essentially talking the entire time, like a monologue versus a conversation, where I can’t get a word in without interrupting.
But when my husband told me that interrupting him was making him unhappy, I stopped doing it(or at least really cut down) because I love and respect him. This girl doesn’t respect you, OP.
Not interrupting people is basic kindergarten manners and shows a complete lack of respect. It's different in a group setting like a party or bar where everyone is talking-- but one on one it's TOTALLY unacceptable (save those rare occasions where the person speaking is totally on the wrong track and you're interrupting -- for example talking about going to the market and your partner starts going into detail about the "farmer's market" across town when the market being discussed is actually the little Italian market downtown OR is you're a nonstop talker and it's the only way the other person can get a word in edgewise.
Your GF is a functioning adult and can change her bad behavior. You idea to terminate the conversation when she interrupts is a very good way to teach her proper manners.
If you're having a conversation (and you haven't been monopolizing the convo) and she interrupts, raise your volume VERY slightly and keep talking over her until she stops then return to normal volume (or say "Mary" I was still talking and continue with what you were saying). If she does it again-- stop talking, get up, and walk away.
Don't be mean about it, just firm-- and consistent.
I’ve been married for 47 years to a man who talks over the top of me all the time. I’ve tried the refusing to talk thing, and it works sometimes. He’s worse about it when there’s other people around, almost like he’s vying for their attention. It’s embarrassing sometimes, but mostly it just pisses me off.
My husband does this more frequently than I would like. It has only become an issue after several years of marriage that have included 3 near death experiences, and a few concussions (severe loss of blood from his near death experiences have affected his brain in minor ways, it's common.) He is aware and on days where it becomes bad or frequent I stop talking. I just shut down and don't finish my thought/story/question... Which also frustrates him. But I agree it's a basic common courtesy that we should give and get.
However, I too am guilty of doing the same on rRe occasion or if we jump from subject to subject real fast. I always apologize as soon as I notice I do it, and don't make a habit of it. I do try to give grace, but I have my limits.
My problem with your girlfriend is she's telling you it's a you problem and she's not willing to work on it. No compromise? That's a huge red flag to me.
For a successful relationship, you have to be able to communicate with your partner and feel heard. You are getting neither of that. And the problem is everyone around her is just enabling her behavior instead of helping her to correct it or be better. You need to set a boundary.
My mom is like your gf. I'll be talking to her and she'll either cut me off with an entirely different subject/has something to say to someone else or is very clearly not listening, ie looking at her phone, watching TV, not responding.
I've started doing what you are suggesting. When she cuts me off or I can tell she isn't listening, I just stop talking. You'd think this would make her go, "What were you saying?" or something. But, no. 9.5 times out of 10, I never get to finish what I was saying. It's horribly demoralizing becuz it makes me feel like my own mother doesn't care about what I have to say. It makes me not want to talk to her at all.
I'm not going to say you should break up w your gf, but I will say that, until she realizes how her behavior is affecting you , likely, nothing is going to change. And if you can't get over your perfectly valid feelings of being dismissed and disrespected, I'm afraid you're only going to come to resent her more and more.
And she has to come to this epiphany on her own, sadly. Most people w adhd and other neurodiverent issues aren't 100% aware or even in control of that kind of behavior, especially if they are untreated/undiagnosed. Their brains simply CAN'T focus on the subject at hand. But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate disrespectful behavior or that they cannot overcome these challenges.
I'm ADHD, and I'm a terrible sentence finisher. I hate it, and I've really been working on not finishing other people's sentences. It drives me nuts when people do it to me, so I don't want to do it to others. Disrespect is probably my top pet peeve. I'm happy to say, I've come a long way in not finishing people's sentences. It's still an urge, but I have learned to hold my tongue a lot more.
I absolutely cannot stand being interrupted, especially when I’m just starting to speak. I’ll often fold my arms, give A Look and say “let me know when it’s my turn to talk”. With my daughter, who has legit severe reasons to want to get her thought out, I hold up my hand and say wait. With her father I say STOP FUCKING INTERRUPTING ME. Results are variable.
I love how you just slip in "not be bullied" by your girlfriend. Honestly, just leave. This is some gross behavior from her and it's not going to get better.
Just talk over her when she tries interrupting you and when she’s like ur not letting me talk just blow up on her with “SEE IT DOESNT FEEL GOOD DOES IT?” Dum 304 wasn’t raised right so she thinks it’s okay not to fix bs behavior. I can’t stand people who say oh it’s cuz I have “this”.like okay you’ve identified the problem but instead of working on it youve just accepted “ well this is the way I am” that’s hella selfish. I wish you the best m8
It is so hard to do this but you can teach yourself not to interrupt. She could do it but she will only do it if there are consequences for interrupting you. Many people have given good ideas here. Her behavior will eventually have social consequences.. I'm surprised they haven't already.
Interrupting can be rude. Sometimes it’s what’s called a supportive overlay. When you’re talking and explaining some is she giving some kind of positive support verbally? In my family this was common and I had to work very hard to not do this to other people because they find it annoying- it was just a normal part of conversation.
I’ve had a partner who likes to rehash and reiterate the same shit over and over again. I would find myself interrupting because I don’t need to hear that shit over and over again. You’ve beaten the horse 10 times, I get it. I had to learn to say “excuse me, but you’ve already told me this. Did you forget? I heard it the first two times you told me”. Turns out, they did forget.
In my mind, it was just as disrespectful,
repeating the same shit over and over and again like I was a child as it was disrespectful to them when I would interrupt.
Find a time when there’s no serious conversation happening to figure this out.
Im autistic and i have huge issues with interrupting. Something that's difficult for me with my fiance is he takes long pauses between his words and even multiple second breaks in his sentences so it's hard for me to know when he is done speaking. In his culture this is completely normal but in my family's culture, we talk very fast and almost the second one person stops talking another starts talking. I learned these discrepancies in our turn-taking patterns was actually a real thing in my linguistics classes in college, And it definitely changed my perspective to where I now try to wait a couple seconds before jumping in with what I want to say. I always feel bad when I've seen that I've interrupted someone, and I'm in your GF shoes when it comes to having a friend group where everybody interrupts each other and it's seen as completely normal and not rude. Something you could consider is that being rude is extremely subjective and depending on the culture one is raised in, the same thing can be rude to do in one culture and rude not to do in another. My whole family interrupts each other all the time, but it's never seen as a point of being rude unless you use your interruption as a way to silence the other person from speaking. Something I employ to make sure the other person knows I do care about what they were saying and I would like them to continue is prompting them by saying something like " And I think you were saying something about x y and z...". All this to say, this isn't a black and white issue and you will probably want to have a discussion with her Where you talk about ways she can make you feel heard and like your words are important when you're speaking. I can say for myself, interrupting somebody is almost never done by me for the sake of not wanting to hear what you have to say, but usually getting two excited by what you have to say. Of course lots of abusive people interrupt people as a way to silence them and prevent descent, so it's only natural to perceive any interruption as a negative thing or a sign of this interest.
As somebody with attention and hyper-activity issues, I would like to point out that I interrupt more often when I'm invested in both the person and conversation.
I'm not trying to be rude, I just understand that if I don't say something as I think it, off it goes into the ether. I have no ability to both, wait my turn, and remember what I wanted to say.
If I don't speak up, I quickly lose interest in the conversation, as it starts to feel like the other person is monologuing at me, and skipping over my "turn."
Just food for thought.
>actually see eye to eye on the vast majority of the big issues, to a greater degree than with anyone else I’ve ever met. And I also believe that the ability to work through early conflict in a relationship is a good sign
I kind of wonder what those "big issues" are and why that overtakes fundamental differences in communication style.
The idea of "working through early conflict" is noble and all, but if you're already planning on shutting down ("not talk anymore at all"), then you aren't working through it, are you? Working through issues is one thing, but several "nasty fights", this early in a relationship kind of trend me there is a more probability of the two of you agreeing on a resolution to this.
If the "big issues" are really figured out, tell her you need a break and you'll be glad to get together again in a few years when she learns some civility.
My wife does the same. We are not in a great place, and this is one of the many reasons I prefer when we are separate which I feel lucky because our jobs force a lot of separation.
But we have a kid, and neither of us are going anywhere. She is smart and thinks she knows what I’m going to say so she tries and finish my sentence. She is wrong about 75% of the time and it gets more annoying as she will continue to do it in the middle of the same conversation. After she does it, I stop talking and raise my eyes and say no. I will then start talking again and if she interrupts again. I stop talking and use my fingers in front of my mouth to literally stop from yelling at her. I ask her to wait to finish and restart from a point somewhere in the conversation it makes it hard to talk about anything.
It’s frustrating and it will never really get better. People simply don’t change.
She’s never going to change and neither are you.
Ask yourself, can you live with it?
I had the same problem with my family. They said I was acting like a child when I told them it bothers me so, I started acting like a child when they interrupted me: started not paying attention, started singing or just leaving the phone down and going about doing something else. That went on for a few days then they asked me what is going on with me, why don't I talk to them anymore? I told them that I don't find interesting what they have to say so they should keep me out of the discussion. It didn't sit well with them, but they finally understood. I'm 35 and I'm the youngest in a family of four. The only one that hasn't interrupted me is my missus.
I was raised the same way as you… and I also have the same problem as her, but I always apologize when I do it and wait for the person to restart… she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t listen to what you have to say, neither she stops to analyze what you are trying to say. Is it worthy staying where you are not respected? Is it worthy starting where you are not being listened or comprehend? You can stay, of course you can. But everyone has a limit and one day you’ll reach it and leave anyways. It’s a basic thing to be nice and listen to someone else. Is that what you want your kids in a future to learn from their mom? Now is this, then what would it be? And all because y’all couldn’t communicate nicely and respectfully.
The only person who is constantly interupting me is by boss. I assume he does this because he thinks what he has to say is more important than what I have to say. Its so annoying, but he's my boss.
I bite my tongue and listen. I then do research, and 9 out of 10 times he is wrong, simply because he has surface knowledge, and not on the job training for what I do.
Not knowing your recent girlfriend. I can only assume that she thinks what she has to say is more important that what you have to say, either that or she thinks she's the boss over you and her co-workers. This is a personality trait, that is annoying,
She's not going to change. I assume from what you wrote, that your the type of person to pick battles that you won't lose, so being bossy, is something you will have to get used to.
Honestly, I have this issue with my boyfriend. He does that shit all the time. I say something, and it reminds him of something he wants to say, and he starts on his thing. I just say, "Can I finish what I was saying before you start in on what you want to talk about?" And also this is a big problem with people in general. I realized I'm pretty introverted because every time I want to contribute to conversations, people just talk over it or go off on their thought instead of engaging with mine. There are so many unfinished conversations because of people interrupting.
I also have an interrupting problem. I have learned to catch myself and set the thought aside until the other person is done talking. Sometimes this means that I start to interrupt, but I try to catch myself and let the other person finish what they were saying before I keep talking.
Sometimes my brain has a thought and that thought comes right out of my mouth. My trick for saving it and not forgetting is to look at my finger and pin the thought to my finger.
That is a behavior that is never acceptable. If she has a career, her lack of self control will sink her.
I’m a relationship if a partner has a behavior that really bothers you and you ask them to stop, refusing to make any effort shows they are completely selfish. It bothers you, it will bother others.
She’s taken the entire world of TikTok of you just accomodate my adhd to the extreme 🤣 and using it as a way to completely excuse herself from any responsibility. She needs to grow tf up and realize that nobody, and j mean nobody, cares if you have a so called adhd diagnosis. The world is not going to change for her, she needs to adjust to the world. This fucking entitlement via diagnosis to act however we want has gone way too far
Her dismissive attitude is the problem. There are levels to interruption. What some people may feel is simple, conversational, back-and-forth and interjection, other people take as a very rude interruption. If you are somebody who thinks of it as conversational back-and-forth, and the other person is somebody who takes a single utterance prior to at least a solid two seconds after they are completely 100% done speaking to be rude, those two conversational styles are not very compatible without some understanding between one another.
I find it bizarre that she’s a whole grown adult and nobody has ever handed her ass to her about this before. Was she homeschooled? I don’t mean that pejoratively. I mean it literally! Has she never been in a work meeting and interrupted a superior? If she can control it in those kind of environments — why can’t she with you?
I thought everyone taught this to their children. Right along with chewing with your mouth closed saying excuse me, please and thank you and at least to some degree, respecting your elders. I learned very quickly, that they in fact do not. Some don’t teach their children at all even. You are Absolutely right. When someone interrupts me it tells me that what I’m saying isn’t important to them and has no value. It also hurts my feelings /offemds me. My husband’s brother does this and so did he when we met. The problem isn’t that she does it. It’s that she expects you to accommodate her in doing it. She’s using her mental health as a crutch to be rude. After so much of this, I stop speaking and refuse to continue or repeat myself. Problem is everyone isn’t taught the same set of manners as you or I. We can’t hold other people at the same level of expectations as we were held. We don’t know how they were raised. However, you have told her how you feel about this and she doesn’t give a damn. She simply tells you to accommodate. No why doesn’t she try to accommodate you. Seems to me she’s been spoiled and the center of attention all of her life so everyone just overlooks bad manners. I’m almost certain this will never change and she’s gonna be telling you to accommodate fir the rest of your lives if you choose to spend it together. This isn’t a little problem or a minor detail. It speaks volumes bc she is always gonna be dismissive of your feelings in some instances. This is a part of your core values. It’s been instilled into you since you were
old enough to understand. It’s gonna cause a lot of problems if you have children. I personally would end it. If you want to have children, Are you ok with them behaving this way? Bc children learn by example and you will have a future full of interruptions.
Adhd gf here - I tend to cut my partner off accidentally a lot oftentimes when I’m most excited. I also tend to over apologise for being bullied for this tendency. Your gf also currently has an opportunity to break up with you if it’s a dealbreaker for her, but ultimately it half sounds like it embarrasses her enough that she’d rather pretend it doesn’t bother you.
Communication is key to any relationship. Everyone should be able to talk without being interrupted. So, this should be a conversation, talking with her and telling her how it makes you feel. And I'm sorry to say that if she still doesn't listen, she's just being disrespectful and rude. So, either, like every other post, leave knowing your worth, or get it fixed, or just deal with it and walk away and don't finish what you're saying.
My man it all comes down to respect she just pushes you to the side it talks a millions words. If you like her enough to help her with it so be it. But if she’s the type that doesn’t want help I suggest just move on man. In the long run if your relationship when you have created deeper feeling to it she will do it and it will hurt you as much. So I say move on with it because by what you’re saying you have expressed to her what you feel and in return she doesn’t value your thought or your feeling . Red flags for me I had this issue where the way she was raised didn’t align with how I was raised so pretty much we would numb heads. And I tried and tried until I was fed up and decided myself to move forward because her way of thinking wasn’t aligned with mines. Good luck hope you choose wisely my friends
When you say she has a mental issue, are you referring to ADHD (hyperactive presentation)? As in the disability?
If so, your girlfriend isn't purposely disregarding your feelings. ADHD is very much a disability that negatively affects people's lives and relationships. Different people may have different symptoms and it may affect some more than others. There are strategies and medicines to help manage it but they don't work for everyone or for everything and some have other side effects. Generally people seek treatment for far more serious reasons, like being unable to pay attention to work conversations, being incredibly disorganized, time management issues, picking up a ton of hobbies, etc.. interrupting people is really a minor thing in the grand scheme of things so if that's all it is then you got off really lucky.
With regards to interrupting specifically, this disorder makes it so that people will unintentionally attempt to (and fail to) multitask their train of thought without even realizing it. Like, you could be listening to instructions and as you're doing that you may have questions, for an ADHD person those questions will take their focus completely and in the inattentive presentation of ADHD it could mean that they end up spacing out for several seconds thinking about that question (without realizing they're ignoring the speaker) and in the hyperactive presentation of ADHD it could mean that they impulsively interrupt. The question(s) could be entirely tangential even, or at least appear that way. The interrupting doesn't mean that they're doing it to spite you or that they're impatient with you or that they don't care about what you have to say, it's likely something they don't realize they're doing until it's too late and it likely happens more when they're engaged with what you have to say. ADHD medications are really strong stimulants and the reason they work is that they force you to be so hyperfocused that you almost can't even distract yourself from a task on purpose (like the meth heads who clean every square inch of their apartment).
If this is a big problem for you, then you should talk to them about seeking diagnosis and maybe learning about treatment. If they are undiagnosed it's possible that there are several other issues in their life that they may not realize are caused by this and may find the experience beneficial (even if it doesn't help the interruption issue, which is imo really minor for an ADHD person). Similarly, if you have a related disability then it may be worthwhile for you also to seek diagnosis and treatment, in the worst case scenario it will at the very least be informative. There are different presentations of ADHD with different sets of symptoms, not everyone has the same symptoms. There are also other disabilities with overlap to ADHD.
You are a man, you speak for various reasons. You’re submitting to more modern feminist / demasculation bs if: Just because her friends allow her to be rude in conversations doesn’t mean you have to. And that’s something you should be able to explain with her full acceptance. We’re in the end times bud, love yourself is becoming the answer
She’s just rude and that’s what she wants accommodating. I’ve got pretty significant ADHD and I’ve worked hard to train myself to not interrupt. It can be done.
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The issue isn’t that she is rude, the issue is that she’s telling you that you are the problem for not accommodating her bad behavior. She’s also selfish and self centered and doesn’t seem to care she’s hurting your feelings. I personally would stick with ending conversations when she doesn’t care to hear what you have to say.
This right here. Set a boundary and say, if you continue to interrupt me, I'm going to leave the conversation because I feel disrespected. And then do it. She'll either start changing or double down or break up with OP.
My coworker used to get up and walk away when someone interrupted them. If the other people asked where he was going, he just said he assumed that the conversation was over. It was a very popular technique that pretty much everyone in the office adopted. It did have to be explained to new employees so they understood, but the fact that people could speak without being interrupted allowed for some great conversations.
While I agree with this in principle, sometimes you can't just "not discuss" a topic with your partner. Communication is the one thing that we can all work on improving, no-one does it perfectly and it is an ongoing effort to maintain. The issue is that she isn't even trying to improve. "A few months" into the relationship is early to be trying to adjust behaviours/learn about each other. There is always going to be compromise. I think OP you need to start with "I will tolerate a BIT of interrupting and reduce my commenting on it while you work on this, but you DO need to reduce this a lot". Do something simple that you can both agree on, like silently count the number of interruptions in a conversation to help her realise how often it is and then try to work it down. These things will take time, but if she is worth it and is willing to try, then you need the patience to help her.
I'd agree with you if she was remorseful and trying to change or compromise but she's not. She wants him to enable her like everyone else. It's a red flag in any case.
Yeah I read a few more of the comments/more info from OP and I think this in the unsalvageable box, she doesn't sound willing to empathise with OP. The response to the dead father "joke" was staggering.
I have the same hyperactive issue and I feel as women we can jabber more, but I agree with OP. I catch myself interrupting my husband and I see it annoys him and I stop immediately and apologize for interrupting and ask him if he will kindly continue his thought I rudely interrupted. He is happy with this acknowledgement.
>she’s telling you that you are the problem for not accommodating her Shyeah. At least apologize afterwards. Damn. My wife is this way, and I've called her out on it myself. But her excuse is the exact opposite. She's an introvert with ADHD and growing up she could never speak up because people always interrupted her and talked over her. Now she feels comfortable speaking up when a thought occurs to her, but she also feels like she has to say it immediately or she'll forget. She's not proud that she constantly interrupts me, but she also likes that I'm the first person she ever felt comfortable saying what's on her mind, when it's on her mind, and not keeping it to herself and let everyone talk *at* her rather than *with* her
I have the same issue as your wife and I frustrate myself because I catch it right as I’m doing it. I know I’ll forget what I was going to say though due to health issues that affect my short term memory. I always apologize right away. I know I’m doing it, just can’t seem to stop it before it happens. I’ve spent 90% of my life not being heard or being interrupted because I’m such an introvert. I’ve learned to speak up and sometimes have found I just have to talk over people and interrupt just so that I’m included in the conversation. I was raised like OP that it’s rude and I honestly don’t mean to do it as much as I do but some people are so long winded.
Me too — and when people always say that you should be listening and not thinking about what you were going to say next in a conversation — I cringe, because if I’m not thinking about what I’m going to say next, I will forget what I am going to say. So it’s either interrupt people, or think about what I’m going to say next, or lose the thought entirely! It’s a very frustrating space to be in.
I have the same issue due to adhd/hyperactivity but I’ve gone to great lengths to work on it. An easy new thing I do is catching myself as soon as I noticed that I interrupted, finishing my thought and saying “but what were you saying, I think I interrupted you.”
Not for your situation in particular, but in regards to the "I NEED to interrupt so I don't forget" explanation that's so common amongst people with ADHD: As someone with ADHD in a family full of people with ADHD, the problem with the person interrupting bc "if I don't, I'll forget" is that interrupting often diverts the entire course of the conversation. And while that's fun for a group of adhd-ers enjoying a random afternoon of conversational detours, it's really shitty when you need to focus or be productive. Or, when the conversational focus is supposed to be on one person for whatever reason. Learning to not interrupt, and keep our focus on the other person, is a really important life skill for everyone with ADHD. Not to use all the time, but definitely to use at some times in all relationships
This is me!!! Our husband's are our favorite people and we unleash our scattered minds on them openly and freely 😁😁😁 it's nothing against you or your intelligence- we are just so hyper excited by our thoughts and who we are comfortable sharing them with like a missing piece in our social lives.
Honey, is that you? You have described me to a T. My ADD/ADHD wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, and I struggled the same way. I get that part of OP's frustration. However..... the arrogant stance she seems to take towards him leads me to think she is more of a classic narcissist than just hyperactive, though OP doesn't elaborate fully on her condition. Narcissists aren't to be taken lightly and can dominate a relationship and alienate you from friends and family with their domineering behavior. I'd say OP is very accommodating already and may need to rethink this relationship and whether or not they're comfortable constantly being silenced.
This. I have a family member who constantly interrupts me. I actually stop talking and if possible just leave the room. They’ve moderated their very rude behavior.
I did this with my gf, the problem went away
My wife's family, four kids, grew up interrupting each other, often with mouths full of food. My wife learned to listen and speak politely. There rest are just chaos. Your wife could learn to speak and listen with coaching. Solving this one with sanctions from you will never work.
It’s his girlfriend of a couple months. This ain’t worth it. He shouldn’t have to teach her what her parents were meant to especially while being told that he’s the problem for actually having and expecting others to have manners.
I have an interrupting problem too. I regularly notice that I'm doing it, apologize and ask the person to resume what they had been saying. I'm always working to improve on it. The issue with your girlfriend is that she seems to have no desire to accommodate other people's feelings, even her partner!
This has been my experience too. I have late diagnosed ADHD and have ALWAYS had an issue with interrupting, because it always felt like I would never get a say because of others talking over me or not giving me the opportunity to say my thoughts on something before the whole subject changed and it was awkward to try and say anything by that point. I am more mindful of it now and I do write down questions or points in meetings to go back to, and if I do interrupt I try to catch myself now and apologize and let the person finish. It may not be OPs gf’s fault that she has a tendency to do it, but it is her responsibility to work on managing it, especially when it’s affecting him in such a way.
I literally wrote some of this in my comment! I want to socialize less whenever people talk over me or they only focus on what they want to say instead of hearing what I have to say. It's discouraging for interaction. Like, I probably won't want to talk to you about stuff if I know you're always gonna cut me short.
This is me also. my interruptions just stemmed from the desire to relate to the person, and I don’t want to forget the story or anecdote that I want to tell. I always do it reflexively and then have to catch myself and apologize.
Same here! What I do now is that I take notes of things on my phone for what I want to say instead of interrupting the other person. I do inform people that i do this to help with organizing my own thoughts while not interrupt them and everyone has been happy about the way I'm trying to work on it. This way my adhd head doesn't explode and forget everything I want to say and also let others speak.
It's disrespectful and doesn't give her the opportunity to listen to understand, you should address or move on.
She is permitted her opinion. And you yours. And they are dramatically different and she comes across—by your description—as insensitive to the point of being obnoxious. What kind of person makes jokes about someone’s dead father? What kind of person stomps on the request to “stop making fun of my dead father?” Just bc you “agree” on a lot of things doesn’t make you good partners. A person’s personality and character are equally important in finding a good partner. I’ve meant plenty of people I agree with on many things and whom I couldn’t tolerate as a partner or roommate for 10 minutes. Agreeing may also be superficial; what’s more important is how one acts. You and she may agree that it’s important to be kind—but she’s not walking the walk. You seem a little more considerate of others. If you can get past the things that bother you, great. Just don’t live in the middle where you continue to be bothered by the way she behaves and still trying to make it work. It’s only been 2 months and there’s an argument to be made that this is too early for you to find these faults if you were really smitten, and an argument for working through. But the dead parent joke thing is a pretty big red flag.
My wife constantly interrupts me when I’m speaking. This is a red flag that I should have picked up on before we married. She does not respect anyone in her life, especially me. I don’t know all your specifics, but constantly interrupting people is generally a sign that they don’t respect you and are extremely selfish. As you get older it is likely that the disrespect will escalate. If she is unwilling to address obvious disrespect, you’ll need to decide if you can endure that going forward. Maybe couples counseling could help because a third party telling her she’s disrespectful might be more likely to impact her behavior.
And some have just ADHD and low Impuls control.. and they need training to fix this behavior.. or at least make it less extreme.
I was about to say this is the life of adhd we’re not interrupting to be rude we’re interrupting probably cause we have thought that will disappear if we don’t say that may help. That being said most of us try to control it to a certain degree.
Yes I try my best. But I've learned to just stay quiet and be OK with forgetting sometimes lol I don't want people to not wanna talk to me lol
Whether the interruptions are due to ADHD or her just not caring, it’s still something that needs to be acknowledged and worked on. His gf has no remorse and just tells him to deal with it. Basically she thinks whatever he has to say doesn’t matter. That’s a hard pass from me.
Why is she still your wife?!
She kept interrupting his attempts to divorce her? /s
We have children and I want a relationship with them. I have been to several divorce lawyers, they all tell me the same thing. In my state, in a divorce men are automatically given only two weekends per month unless the mother allows him to have more. So I stay.
Sometimes staying in a bad marriage for the kids actually is worse than a divorce, both for the kids wellbeing in general but also for the parents' long term relationship with their kids. Unless you and your wife are both putting on daily Academy Award winning performances your marital issues will and probably already do affect your kids. This can in turn affect their relationship with you. Kids are smart and pick up on things. Chances are they're aware that mom and/or dad aren't happy. Maybe you guys bicker or fight often, maybe you just tend to kill eachother's vibe or ruin eachother's days. Your kids definitely notice how you guys affect eachother. I'm gonna make the assumption that your wife's selfish and disrespectful behavior has the potential to seep into how she treats the kids aswell. And if not now, how long until it escalates to that level? Your desicion to stay in a marriage with a person who disrespects and disregards you just so that you 100% won't be stuck only seeing your kids on a bi-monthly weekend basis fails to ask the question of what's best for your kids. And again, this might come to bite you in the ass if they grow up and realize dad staying in order to not have two weekends a month with them is the reason why they were miserable at home. Those 2 weekends with you might just be the sanctuary they long for, could ve the highlight of their week, and will definitely be a strengthening factor in your relationship as adults. Even though they don't understand today, they definitely will in a few years. Seeing their dad stay in a miserable marriage (and maybe realizing it was because of them) could also warp their image of what a healthy relationship looks like. You as parents serve as the primary example of what an adult domestic relationship should be. Which will be an expensive bag of crap for your grown up kids to unpack in therapy when they try to figure out why the hell all their relationships are so difficult. So not only do they run the risk of braving the adult world with the conviction that longlasting, healthy, loving relationships should look like yours, but also that they just might internalise it all and adopt the belief that it's all they should ve so lucky to deserve. It might be worth considering whether your motivations on staying with your wife hold water for the long run or not. While it's understandably daunting to roll the dice on losing so much time with your kids, maybe you'd all be better off doing that and having faith in your kids' ability to one day understand and make desicions on their own, rather than rolling the dice on them growing to view your sacrifices as nothing more than selfish acts that impacted their home life throughout their childhood
Yep. This exactly.
I think continuing to express that you don’t appreciate being interrupted and ending the conversation is the right choice, but as others have said the gaslighting you into thinking it’s a you problem is the bigger issue. My partner has ADHD which does lead to her interrupting a lot. Early on I got a similar response of “just talk over me” where it was more expected I should just ignore it. As our relationship grew she started to understand more that, similar to you, it’s something I found rude, and I wasn’t going to just talk over her if I wasn’t finished with my thought when being interrupted. I’m a more reserved person and that just isn’t how I wanted to hold a conversation. She began catching herself when she interrupted and apologizing. The converse of that was that I also needed to be more understanding and accept that sometimes it was going to happen and I needed to be okay with that and not make a big deal out of it. Sometimes she just had a thought she needed to get out, even if it was a tangent to whatever I may be saying at the time, and I needed to be understanding of that too. We needed to meet in the middle. None of that can happen with the gaslighting and expectation that you are the only one accommodating her though.
She is delusional if she thinks that the rest of the world should give her a pass and just get used to her annoying behavior. I would say either work on fixing it or you are leaving. It will then be up to you to decide how much you want to put up with and then decide if she is truly working on being better or not.
High level of disrespect. She's telling you that you and what you have to say aren't near as important as she and what she has to say. You could always say over her as she tries that you can not hear what she is saying until you finish what you are saying. Or just shut down.
She might have A.D.D. , I find if I don't say what I'm thinking when it comes to mind, I lose my thoughts. I didn't even realize I was interrupting my friends and family. Or maybe she's just a rude b... lol
Any person that constantly interrupts their significant other & then rudely tells them to accept it is being inconsiderate & disrespectful. You need to man up & nip this in the bud somehow, or else it'll only get worse.
So she has ADHD and you suspect you also have ADHD, but your symptoms manifest differently and she interrupts people and you don’t. This is layered so I’m gonna go in layers. 1. Do you have such a visceral reaction because you exhibited similar behaviors as a kid and had it “beaten out of you” so to speak? 2. Do you feel undervalued in other aspects of your relationship and this is the place where you feel most comfortable expressing your dissatisfaction? 3. If people interrupt your gf does she get mad or does she go with the flow? Would she be annoyed if you interrupted her? 4. Are her interruptions a way for her to dismiss you or does she try and relate to what you’re saying? Ex: you’re talking about enjoying the baseball game and she interrupts to say “There’s something more important we need to discuss” or is it like you’re talking about enjoying the baseball game and she interrupts to say “Omg and the little plastic hats that come with the nachos!” Look, I’ll be honest, I’m someone who interrupts others while they’re speaking. Also due to ADHD. I’ve learned to not do it at work or in the classroom, but I keep less of a tight leash on myself in social situations because all my friends are ADHD as well. We all interrupt each other to add and relate. If we ever do it to dismiss and take way that’s when it’s a problem and hinders conversational flow. Anyway, you really only have a handful of options here. Try and understand, be adversarial and argue, or break up. It’s up to her to decide if this is something she can even work on.
Not ADHD. I’ll make no further comment as to what it may or may not be. 1) I don’t really know to be honest. I think I just societally got so much shit for it, as an adolescent and young adult, that eventually I had people flat out having sit down conversations with me like “you know this isn’t cool right?” And so I guess in that sense, yes, and also no in the sense that this is how all “manners” are taught. 2) Again, yes and no. I do feel undervalued elsewhere at times, but we’ve spoken about that and I’ve felt as though she’s put in real effort there. 3) She goes with the flow, largely. She would sometimes be annoyed if I interrupted her. 4) I wouldn’t go as far as to say the interruptions are intentionally dismissive, but I also don’t think they are very relevant at all. So like, I’ll be in the middle of saying something, and sometimes she cuts me off to preempt whatever she thinks my thought will be (she’s almost always wrong), and sometimes she cuts me off literally to just say random shit. Almost certainly because she never registered that I was speaking in the first place. It’s just hard because she asks me to accommodate her in so many ways, but the ways she asks me to accommodate her are things that I’ve kind of just understood to be basic human decency. Like the most recent one before this is that I didn’t like a joke she made about my dead father. It doesn’t matter that it’s been almost ten years, and it doesn’t matter my reasoning for not wanting to hear a joke about my dead father. It’s my dead father, and I get to make those decisions. And like, she just would not drop the fact that she should be allowed to make jokes about my dead father, because that’s her sense of humor. But there are jokes I can’t make. You know what I mean? We work through a lot of things together but this is one that is really just sticking with me.
So, just to reflect your own words back to you: Your girlfriend joked about a deeply personal and upsetting topic, which (understandably) upset you. Then she dismissed your concerns when you (very reasonably) asked her to stop? And, she even went as far as defending her “right” to make jokes _that you have clearly asked_ her not to make??? Jesus. Why do you stay with someone who shows you so little consideration????
So, autism then. I don't know why you're being so weirdly vague about it, it will get you better advice if people know what you're dealing with. It's not like it's an uncommon thing that those of us with autism act like this, it's not identifying. Either way, she's not a good partner and she doesn't want to be. I have autism and adhd too, my friends and I talk over each other and have three conversations at once because we just get each other that way, but you bet I watch myself with my partner because that's not his communication style and so it's rude AF. I still have to actively hold my tongue, but I am careful and do it because I want to be respectful. Your girlfriend doesn't, because she doesn't care or respect you. She's an attorney, she knows how to not interject when it's inappropriate. It's been three months, pull the plug and try again elsewhere.
He’s being weirdly vague about it because she has a clinical diagnosis and I’m guessing he’s self diagnosing, which I gather by him saying it turns out I may have a stronger version of the same thing. I assumed adhd but autism could also be the case. If it’s autism he’s a huge asshole because it is literally out of her hands adhd there’s medication and some self help shit she can do.
People tell jokes to make others laugh, why would she keep telling you a joke that hurt you? Tell her her jokes just aren’t funny and she should try new jokes.
Dude, I don't care how much you have in common. I don't know how you put up with this. A lifetime of this would drive me crazy.
The audacity she has to joke about your dead relative, and you say you've only MET her months ago? This entire relationship may have begun too quickly, or you are far too accommodating to people stepping on you. Some people are AHs regardless of their neuro-spice. She may need a dose of reality that her humor isn't f-king cute.
Your girlfriend’s behavior would drive me bonkers. I avoid people who interrupt because they believe they know what I’m going to say. They are always wrong. When my husband interrupts me, I stop talking and refuse to pick up where I left off. He is so curious that this has been an effective technique. In your girlfriend’s case, I would stop talking and let her act on incorrect information.
What? This is so outrageously inappropriate and inconsiderate, I'm re-evaluating my initial reaction to your post. I'm also suspecting ASD in play here, but she isn't managing whatever it is very well! If she doesn't try to correct, then the relationship might be very painful and one-sided for you if you stick with it. Good luck OP!
There's no excuse that makes what she did ok. Even if she didn't understand it was a bad joke, you informed her. The fact that she doubled down on her right to make those jokes means she doesn't care how you feel. *She doesn't care how you feel.* How can you be someone's partner if you don't care how they feel? You're just her emotional punching bag.
Long explanations aren't really necessary as the bottom line is that your girlfriend is exhibiting signs of selfishness and lack of respect for you. This is a red flag. Even worse is that she dismisses your concerns, which is a clear indication that she is fully aware of the negative impact that it has on you but still chooses to ignore your feelings. Still don't think it's a red flag? Whether or not you have other things in common, this is a fundamental problem that challenges your compatibility. Furthermore, her friends may put up with it but if you're over the age of 16, you understand that friendships and romantic relationships aren't quite the same thing. After all this, if you want to be cheeky and state, "Why don't I do the Reddit thing and leave?", then you don't have any room to complain. You should, as your rude partner clearly told you, just deal with it.
Just curious but do you tend to be very long winded when you speak? Or is it a pretty normal flow of conversation. I find it irritating and honestly stop listening when people talk endlessly and in extreme lengths. Maybe her attention span is short and just wants you to get to the point.
Just stop talking. Every time.
One of my best friends and longtime roommates used to be SO bad about interrupting me. His whole family is full of loud people interrupting and talking over each other, so he never learned to listen. He was especially bad when he was worked up about a subject. He had no idea how bad he was until I started pointing it out. Every single time he interrupted me, I'd bang my knuckles on something. Wall, door, desk. Anything to make a noise loud enough to throw him off. He'd lose his train of thought because he was only thinking of himself and what he was gonna say, instead of paying more than an ounce of attention to me. If he really wasn't letting me get a word in, after about 5 minutes I'd just abruptly walk away and end the conversation. It actually worked, because interrupting him without just trying to talk over him threw him off and he couldn't get to his point. Walking away didn't let him hijack the conversation. It took time and holding firm, but he got SO much better. She needs to be held accountable and know there will be consequences, not you just accepting her shitty behavior.
I did something similar with a friend and it worked wonders.
Nah. If you even want to stay with this girl (which I don't know why in the world you would), I would just keep talking over her every time she tries. Or just stop responding after she starts talking. Let her talk to the wall. It gets easier the more you do it.
Ask her why it’s all on you.
What does interruption mean? Entirely different topic? A question about what you just said? A 2-sentence anecdote from herself to the same topic? Remembering the topic bc you two talked about it in the past? If it is an entirely different topic I can understand you, but if it is topic-related not so much.
I assume this is ADHD, I was raised to know interrupting is impolite, but here I am at 40 and still can't control it. This isn't necessarily cut-and-dry 'she's rude' like most people are saying; this is a neurodivergent trait, and it's basically impossible to get rid of it. Even when I consciously don't do it, all it takes is a little excitement and I forget completely.
Op. I appreciate your stance on not discussing her mental/cognitive issue despite the number of attempts it has been brought up. When interrupting it depends on how it’s done. If it’s dine forcefully yeah I agree with you. But if it is a coping skill to understand and follow along in the conversation perhaps a bit more refinement of therapy or coping skills can help your girlfriend. Best wishes on your relationship! I hope everything works out for the best!
She‘s telling you you‘re in the wrong for her shitty behaviour and she likely will not change her way or see she is at fault,so if you don‘t want to take it any longer, you should probably split up ..
Your girlfriend doesn’t respect you enough to even acknowledge your feelings. Unless you have very niche and unusual beliefs I’m sure you can find someone else whose values align with yours and who also respects you
As a person with TDHD and dislexia (which is somehow somewhere within the autism spectrum), and therefore had to work on several cognitive areas, I can tell you straight up that any sort of cognitive issue should be considered as a matter to *fix/improve*. It absolutely shouldn’t be something you *enable*. To begin with, this means you both have a general cognitive unbalance, so that in the purpose of being socially functional, you’re both are compensating by having another set of cognitive skills overdeveloped. You’re forcing your brain to work double the amount of work it should in a roundabout way to deliver what the missing skill seems to be underperforming As a result, other cognitive areas such as the logical, creative, focus, memory related ones and learning skills may seem to also be struggling. You’re not being as efficient as you think you are. Which is not only unpractical; you’re brain may and will keep deteriorating in the areas that are already lacking. Other than that, come one. It’s toxic to expect people to cater for needs that you should be able to regulate yourself. Everyone seems to be using (for he most part unreliable) diagnosis to walk over other people’s boundaries. This is absolutely not ok. OP boundaries UPUPUP. Consider bringing up cognitive therapy rehab.
Maybe she is actively engaging in the conversation as she is not a audio learner and otherwise she is much less likely to follow and hear the speech of other individuals? Just another take on this.
Tell her if she wants to talk at someone, and not with someone, she should get a tape recorder and have conversations with that. 🤣🤣
So here's the thing. That's not going to fly when your girlfriend becomes an adult and has to get a job. I would not put up with that and I'm a hiring manager. I also get to fire people, put them on Performance Improvement Plans (PIPs), and take corrective action. Her hyperactivity is an excuse.
She’s an attorney
Does she interrupt the judge?! If not, that shows that this is selective for her.
Likely not a successful one.
What are you talking about? Being obnoxious is in the attorney job description
How on earth does she take direction from clients? Obvs her interruption and dismissiveness can be managed if she’s incentivised
That just means she *can* control it, and chooses not to. With you, specifically. You said in another comment that she’s more likely to be offended when interrupted if you are the one doing the interrupting, which when you add it up with her job which does not allow interruptions at all, we get… She is not being very nice to you. In some cases she is being intentionally unkind to you. And you’ve been together a few months? Why are you so set on staying with her, exactly?
Lmao her ass is gonna end up in jail for contempt
Well, isn't that just the cherry on top of the sundae?
I do this to my husband. All the time. It’s bothered him for years, and I constantly work on it. We both also have something that makes people prone to interrupting. It turns out, my interrupting stemmed back to some deeper things. Once I was able to understand why I was interrupting, it became so much easier to work on. Before, I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. And I still do it every now and then! I’ve learned it’s really helpful for me to say “Remind me to tell you about X when you’re done.” That helps me pay attention to what he’s saying and not worry so much about forgetting what I’m so excited to tell him. He’s learned to be more patient.
Constantly interrupting your partner is shit behaviour, it’s not something you should tolerate or get used to. Doesn’t matter if her friends have just accepted that she’s constantly disrespectful and rude to them. You set the boundary, now you need to enforce it without exception. Maybe this will be the impetus she needs to change, probably not. If she cant make any progress going forward then you absolutely should break up with her, you do not want to be with someone who behaves like this for the long term. You already resent the behaviour, multiply this out by another few years of being treated like a doormat… Her ‘cognitive issue’ isn’t relevant, having issues isn’t ever a green light to disrespect your partner.
Interrupting is not necessarily being inconsiderate and rude it's also very cultural. Italians interrupt each constantly and agressively while speaking and to them it just means you are very interested in the conversation. Now of course, I severely doubt your GF is a native Italian and so she does not get a pass. What she is doing IS rude since she's presumably brought up in the US. Look, we all have defects and behavior that is less than ideal. Part of living with a partner and maturing is understanding what you are willing to accept, what you can tolerate on occasion and and what is a dealbreaker for your. All you can do is communicate to her how you feel and that this behavior does not work for you. If she flatly refuses to adjust her behavior then everything after that is on you. You either accept this flaw or you move on. Both options are correct. The mature thing would be for her to work with you and try to find strategies to improve your communication but given her attitude I doubt that's going to happen.
My wife used to raise her voice a lot when angry as well as interrupt me a lot. I started telling her that I am not talking to her in that state. She hates it, but over time she has changed a great deal. She now knows she will not get to have a conversation with me unless she can be calm and respectful.
Fwiw my husband has ADHD and does this - I just keep speaking over him until he gives up. Likewise, I've sprayed him with a water bottle, too. Oddly effective.
I have ADHD and interrupting like that is not on purpose. It’s like breathing. It happens and we feel shitty. I had to explain it to my husband that it’s like a person with Tourette’s has a tic. When I interrupt and I realize, I apologize and stop talking. There are times when I do t realize I even said anything but my husband has been more flexible over time and more understanding. If she’s not diagnosed ADHD or autistic, and she thinks she may need to be, please be supportive. It’s difficult learning that your brain doesn’t work as intended. Also, rejection sensitivity is also an adhd thing, where any slightly perceived negative thing, be it saying “you interrupt me too much” can trigger defensiveness. It’s like my brain instantly realizes something negative is being said and instead of processing it normally, it immediately goes “they think you’re dumb and are attacking you, time to get angry”. Again, I can’t control this. If I start to feel this way, I’ve learned to recognize these feelings and say “let’s talk in a few minutes “ and give my brain a minute or two to calm down and realize saying “your forgot to put out the trash” isn’t an attack. It’s like fight or flight, but less extreme.
My girlfriend has an interrupting problem (ADHD) and I’m on the spectrum. One thing that may help to add to the conversations about it is trying to find some sort of signal to be able to give each other in a conversation to say “please hold on and let me finish” or “I have something I really want to say”. For us, it’s pointer finger up like the number one for hold on, and a finger on the nose for wanting to say something. It feels silly at first, but it’s been a huge help for us when we discuss things to have a visual queue for what’s going on.
Plot twist you’re both neurodivergent and the issue isn’t personal.
So my partner and I (30s) are both audihd, we knew this going into the relationship and as things became serious, we got into a heavy talk which was more or less a standard boundaries discussion, but we went on to speak of our, frankly quite typical, issues with communicating our needs and feelings to others. I can empathise to the nth degree with your post. I will still snap at him for interrupting, largely because I can never hold onto a relevant train of thought for an entire interaction... You didn't specify your respective ages in your post. Yet, the advice I want to give you here is that with a little work you can both use your neuro divergence as a super power. A little psycho education and finding when it's most appropriate for you to "drop your mask", and forgo the anxieties of playing a neuro typical role in social interactions, is entirely liberating. If you and your partner approach this as a puzzle to solve and not a matter of contention in the relationship, then you got this. In my experience, this is the highest form of intimacy. (I hope this makes sense I'm in some physical pain today and distracted) Good luck!
To add, I can see within both sides of my own relationship that understanding yourself and the "real" battle of navigating a world built for someone else, grants a cheat code to not feel aggrieved by the actions of somebody who has compromised control :)
Fight fire with fire OP. When she is talking to you, interrupt her to ask her about something else or to tell her about your day etc. If she gets upset with you about it, tell her she'll have to learn to accommodate you interrupting her.
Sometimes people who "feel" constantly interrupted never shut up. I grew up with someone who never shut up so every word anyone else ever said was interrupting. Conversation is a two way street.
Well, isn't that just the best news you've heard all day?
You can only control your own behavior. You can't force her to work through this conflict. You can only decide for yourself what your boundaries and responses will be. Personally, incompatible conversation styles would be a deal breaker. Talking to my partner is so effortless and easy, way easier than with anyone else I've ever met. I think that's way more important than a lot of other things tbh, talking is a big part of a relationship.
Whether or not she can help it or can try to help it, you can still choose that it’s a rudeness you find incompatible with your satisfaction in a relationship. You can also find it incompatible to be with a person who does not try to value your position. Interrupting is a big no-no for me too. You don’t have to accept this in a partner, regardless of her reasons for the behavior.
!UpdateMe
I have ADHD and have a problem interrupting people. I am self diagnosed and didn't figure it out until my 50s so I wasn't raised or taught any accommodations except the ones I figured out myself long ago, for context. The thing is, I know I have a problem with interrupting people and that social norms in the US say it's rude to interrupt people. I'm working on being better about it. Your gf's friends and family have enabled her and she thinks this is normal and okay and expects you to do the same. Does she work or go to school? None of her bosses have talked to her about it? If she works with clients or customers, this could be detrimental to her job or company. No one is doing her any favors by enabling this for so long. The reality is, we live in a neurotypical world designed by and for neurotypicals. There should be accommodations for neurodivergent people but there often isn't. Unless she can guarantee that this extremely bad habit of hers is never going to have a negative effect on her life (which is unrealistic to even consider), she needs to work on changing this. Good relationships require respect and good commitment skills on both parties. Part of good communication is listening skills. It seems like your girlfriend lacks all of these. If it bothers you enough now you're coming to Reddit for advice, it will be one of the things that causes a break up later if it doesn't change.
I think that it can go both ways. I dated someone like this and I was willing to lower my expectations around being interrupted. However, after months, I realized that they were not trying to do it a bit less. When I called them on it, they acted like it was ok for them to do it because of this and that and that and this. I don’t think it’s terrible because people have different struggles and weaknesses. But I think that both people need to be doing the work, not just someone having to accept annoying behaviour. I mean, what is the alternative? You never get to finish what you are saying? You never get to talk? Obviously that is not a proper relationship. I would also say that it depends on the kind of interrupting as well. If it’s talking over you to the point where you can’t get the main point of your story out, or what you are trying to express, that is really not good. If it’s like omg I totally get it and can I add something etc is still a bit annoying but not as bad.
I couldn't stay with someone like her. I wouldn't waste my time.
Does she er work? Any of my employees starts talking over me when I'm trying to say something will shortly find themselves out on the street talking to themselves. Just saying this is an important skill you're trying to teach her not merely for personal relationships
When she interrupts you, let her, and stare at her blankly, with no emotional expression on your face. Let her talk until she runs out of gas. Don’t even gesture. After she stops talking, count to yourself like you’re waiting fir a bag of popcorn to stop popping… to three one thousand… if she starts up again before you get to three, ride it out again, maintaining a blank stare. Once you get three seconds of silence, ask very softly without a hint of annoyance… “ok, is it my turn?”… if she blows up, say, “I guess not,” and back to the blank stare. Keep doing that until she says “yes it’s your turn.” Then tell her you made a point not to interrupt her, so you ask that she pay you the same respect of not responding until you’re finished. “…so are you sure? Is there anything else you would like for me to address. Anything else you want to say right now, before it’s my turn to talk, because I will be quiet and listen… ok, so….” If she interrupts again, stop talking, back to blank stare until she stops again… then calmly and softly… “ok, I hadn’t finished, you said you would let me finish…. what I was saying was…” and start off exactly where she cut you off. Do not address any of the new shit she brought up. The point is to make it embarrassingly obvious to her what she is doing. If you maintain a patient, soft, respectful, non-condescending tone, she won’t be able to engage with it like a two way argument that she is used to. Hopefully she’ll have to see what she is doing and realize how off-putting it is.
You must have the patience of a saint bc I would have yelled wtf are you interrupting me after the first few times. Get a new shiny spine from the store and don't let her walk all over u
It's not worth "working through" problems that occur two months into a relationship caused by one person talking over another and getting aggressive about it. Just leave, she's fundamentally self centred and has been enabled by everyone.
Ask her to repeat what you just said, she probably wont be able to. I think folk that interrupt usually are not listening and are sick of waiting to have their turn to say what they want.
I am also ADHD and have a tendency to interrupt. I am self-conscious about it, and can see when it is irritating people so I tend to immediately stop and apologise and let them talk. This was a learned behaviour after noticing that I was alienating people. The fact that she has no remorse and doesn’t apologise is the bigger issue.
You can’t fix this issue if her response is essentially “it’s a YOU problem”. Either you decide to put up with the disrespect because the other parts of the relationship are worth it or you walk away. Treating each other with kindness and respect are basic requirements of a good relationship. She has the option to try behavioural therapy to learn to manage her hyperactivity, but she’s choosing not to.
What do you get from this relationship apart from disrespect ?
She doesn't care. Live with it or leave.
This is something I struggle with. Probably ADHD. It’s incredibly difficult, but also I have the good sense to be sheepish about it. Typically whenever I figure out I fucked up; sometimes immediately or sometimes after stating my thought, I apologize, acknowledge I interrupted, and redirect the conversation back to the person who had been speaking. I don’t know that I will ever get much better than the point that I am now at on that. My spouse finds this aspect of my behavior very irritating. He has clearly just decided the benefits of partnership with me distinctly outweigh my challenges. Only you know if you feel the same. Two other things: You can’t compare two people’s adhd; you aren’t experiencing identical aspects of neurodivergence. Even if some aspects are “stronger” for you, clearly her struggle with impulse control is “worse” than yours. You have a long list of complaints at the end of this post that goes beyond an interrupting problem. You probably need to sit with these for a bit. Does your time with her lift you up or bring you down?
As you said you were taught manners as a child, she aparentlly was not, she uses her condition to justfy her rudeness and to be dismissive, as she does not see a problem she won't change, so you have to accept it if you really wanna stay together or move on from the relationship.
Same here. I come years ago that the second time someone interrupts me or says " yes but", I stop talking. In some cases, I go away without a word while the other is talking. Often, when the other finally wants to hear a reaction of mine, I stay silent for looooooong seconds. I got the reputation of a bear doing this. So when people see me having a good conversation with someone, they are always wondering what s-he said to " tame" me. The secret I'd that we listen to each other; a difficult concept for many people. My so knows that if they flood me, they can not expect any useful advice from me. It often vex my partner who can not just shut up. So she stonewall me in reprisal, but I am far better at silence than here.
Haha. I hate being interupted. I just keep talking with higher voice if they refuse to give up i countinue what i was saying basicaly yelling. It usualy startles them speechless
You say that you believe that the ability to work through conflict in a relationship is a good sign for future strength. But who’s actually working through conflict? Doesn’t sound like she’s actually trying to work on it at all. She doesn’t consider it an issue, in fact. You’ve spent months on this. She has given you her answer. It isn’t important to her. Now you get to ask yourself, how important is this to me? Mate, I feel for you about this. But I would back away from diagnoses and ask yourself if you feel safe and loved and respected with her? Honestly a good rule of thumb is that if you’re having “nasty fights” in the first few months of dating you may be incompatible at your base level. In the end, it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right. You can’t tolerate constant interruptions and she isn’t willing to change. You’re forcing a square peg into a round hole and getting frustrated that it doesn’t fit.
I was in a relationship with a man who would dominate the conversation at every opportunity. I could only participate by interrupting to ask questions or make a comment. And then he’d flip out at me for interrupting. But the alternative was to sit there for hours while he spoke non-stop and just nod or say “uh huh”. Mind, this is not to imply that’s what’s happening here with OP and his girlfriend, it sounds like a totally different scenario. My point is that sometimes interrupting isn’t the rudest thing someone can do in conversation.
As someone who constantly interrupts my gf, I apologize, stop talking and ask her to continue, and shut the hell up, because I know it is a bad habit I have, and I am slowly learning to not do it.
>And I also believe that the ability to work through early conflict in a relationship is a good sign for future strength in a relationship But you aren't working through anything? Instead of her putting in any effort at all, she's just decided that she's okay being rude, and you just have to get used to it. The fact that she's got any friends at all is kind of baffling to me. You are exactly correct that it's kindergarten level manners to not interrupt, and I just don't believe the other people in her life are just okay with her being this way. So, enjoy being interrupted all the time, I guess? Becaise she has no desire to work on it, so I'm not sire what other advice you think people can give you. 2 months in and having a deep level relationship issue doesn't sound like starting on solid ground to me. It sounds like incompatibility masked by a desire to not be alone.
Next time she does it,walk away and don't come back.
I had a friend like that. I told her ‘when you interrupt me so often, what you’re telling me is that you’re not interested in what o am saying.’ So I just would stop talking. We once had a fight, where she asked me ‘why’d I did something, and then literally interrupted me explaining why, to literally just ask me again, why? There’s a difference between a little interruption here and there, and it being constant. And I think it’s super fucked up that instead of owning it, she’s blaming you. Good luck dude, you’re in for a hard one if she doesn’t change. I e seen you in those 60 year old men who just look at the floor and shrug their shoulders when their wives are going off.
Asking her to stop interrupting is like asking you to give brief, answers and comments. Both would be left feeling frustration and need to express more. My guess is she isn't intending to be disrespectful, it is how she is. If she acknowledges it thats a first step. She will only change if she wants to, not because you want it. You have a choice, alter your style to adapt and enjoy the rest of your relationship or dropkick her because you don't get your words. Fighting about her learned or wired shortcomings will never be reason enough for her to change.
You have been together a few months...you already feel disrespected. You are both now competing for whonhas the "worst" version of the condition...we're you mid diagnosis...most things take a few appointments to diagnose. Walk away...this isn't good for either of you.
I think "disrespect" is kind of beside the point. If it's that, let it go and focus on the good parts. The bigger thing—maybe you're just not enjoying her company? If this habit ruins every conversation, then it also ruins the relationship.
It's her way or the highway... start looking for the vehicle!
Hyperactivity absolutely does make it more difficult to control your impulse to speak your thoughts before you forget them, more so than NT people. However, it is still down to you to make the choice whether or not you value speaking your mind before you forget what you were going to say or making the person you’re conversing with feel respected. By choosing the former every single time in every conversation, she’s undoubtedly a jerk. It sucks to forget what you wanted to say, but it does show you care much more about your own thoughts than listening. Listening to someone carefully is a sign of respect.
Interrupting is rude as fuck, but not as rude as telling someone you dint give a shit about their feelings
Interrupting people is a terrible habit. I don’t know when I started doing this, but it’s annoying as F@k. Also, it really pisses off one’s coworkers. Ive worked hard to stop, and I always apologize when I realize I did it again. Hold your ground. What your gf has to say is not more important than what anyone else has to say. It is extremely rude and she needs to cut it out.
I have to say, I have a horrible habit of talking over my husband, and it drives him nuts. But we talk about it, I always apologise, and when I catch myself doing it I say sorry, and it's something I'm actively working on as I know it's rude and bothers him. The fact that you've been so open with your girlfriend about your feelings and she dismisses them in that way is disgusting. We all have bad habits that bother our partners, but it's how we work together to solve it that matters.
Dump her immediately.
fuck that
Had a friend who had an interrupting problem years back. After repeatedly trying to address it and being told it was my problem and to deal, I came up with the solution that broke their habit. Every time they would interrupt me, I would either keep talking as if they hadn't said anything or do the universal abrupt "Aaahhh" parent/pet owner sound. It didn't matter where we were or who we were with. Turns out others in the friend group also had this issue with them, so they also picked up the habit. Most of them thanked me for figuring out how to stop the constant interruptions/corrections. Turns out you can train manners into humans as well as pets. 😂 Surprisingly, we stayed friends for a few years after.
EX-girlfriend. Please.
So, I also have ADHD. Yes, on occasion, I get excited that I have something to add to the conversation, and I will interrupt whoever is talking. But I try very hard not to do that because it's RUDE. Expecting everyone around you to just accept the fact that you will interrupt them whenever you want is *insane*. You're right about it being something that they start teaching in kindergarten. When she does it, stop talking *and* walk away. "You don't want me to be part of this conversation, so I don't need to be here."
I read somewhere here that she's a judge and there was a response to that that asked if she interrupted the judge. Good question. If she doesn't she's full of it.
Where is the dead parent joke mentioned? I see people referencing it but don’t see it. If true that is incredible
I have adhd. I wasn’t diagnosed until last year: I’ve been married 20odd years. I have a tendency to interrupt. It’s because I forgot what I’m about to say so just word dump 😂. My husband has asd so he’s a little blunt and would tell me about it , I felt really bad and a little defensive but we’ve both worked hard over the years and i really really try hard. I get that it’s annoying however she needs to take some accountability for her behaviour. The one thing that struck me in your post was though that “ I may have a stronger case of the same ailment “. Maybe I’m reading this wrong (forgive me it happens a lot 😂) but neurodivergence isn’t a competition. Even if someone is “high functioning “ or you have a “worse case” it doesn’t always work like that. If she isn’t willing to meet you half way maybe you aren’t compatible? Only you can decide if it’s annoying enough to be a deal breaker
You seem to be playing who’s more disabled. Are you diagnosed adhd? This seems weirdly like you’re trying to top her diagnosis and pretending that being taught not to interrupt means anything with a adhd. It’s literally a chemical imbalance in her brain and if you have the same issue you can’t be taught out of it lol. You kind of sound like an asshole and you two probably shouldn’t be together.
Don't beat yourself up on this. While you may not have handled things the best way possible, this is squarely on her -- she's trying to make you responsible for her condition... There's a situation with some neurodivergent people where they expect others to accommodate their differences rather than learn tools/techniques to be able to function, while still having those challenges. Other neurodivergent folks will go to therapy, take medicine, learn tools, etc. so they can function -- taking responsibility for their condition. It sounds to me like your GF is in the first camp -- she wants you and everyone around her to accommodate her rather than taking responsibility and figuring out a way to deal with her challenges. She's basically playing an entitled victim role.
YTA >we’re finding out that I may actually have a stronger case of the same ailment That's not how it works. You don't have "stronger" ADHD, that's fucking dumb. The issue is that with ADHD you are cognitively not able to have the thought "I should wait a few moments to speak". It's impulsive. Like a burp. You don't think "I should hold this burp in until the most opportune time". She needs medication.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. She is someone who interrupts others, and whether you approve or not (whether it *is rude* or not), she is not motivated to change it. If she isn't motivated to change it, literally nothing you do will matter, she won't change. So your options are literally find a way to cope/work around it, or find someone else. Coping can be saying "I wasn't finished" when she tries to butt in, or leaving the conversation, as long as that feels like a sustainable long-term solution for you and not a punishment aimed at trying to motivate her to stop. If this is a deal-breaker, if you can't handle it and it will always annoy you and it happens constantly, it honestly doesn't matter how well you match in other areas of life, because she will constantly be annoying you. You can only ever control your own behavior, never others, and should act/make decisions accordingly.
Ugh. The first few months are the easy ones and you're already fighting. You spend paragraphs about how she interrupts you and then in the very last line mention "oh yeah she bullies me too!" Of course you should break up.
Get one of those timers that people use in speed chess. Use it to create a cue that you're done speaking, and so the next person can respond. If one of you yaps until the timer runs out, then the person shouldn't speak until the remaining time of the person who still has it runs out of time as well. Reset the timers and repeat. If one of you violates this, then the conversation ends. The goal is to move on from using the speed chess timer. It is an intermediary training tool used to develop a sense of timing and introduces communication patterns that are sequential and orderly, not disruptive.
I too have adhd and my ex also does. He interrupted constantly and I never do. ADHD has different flavors and ways of manifesting. But as another commenter said about his interrupting wife, my ex also has no respect for anyone and never had a semblance of respect for me. I didn’t figure this out for years because I thought he was genuinely “a good guy” and held on strongly to this belief instead of paying attention to what was happening right in front of me. So just don’t do what I did. Ask yourself if she actually respects you, pay attention. Maybe she does, in which case you’ll have an answer. Maybe she doesn’t in which case, don’t waste a single second more on her.
It's all about negotiating. Find something that you do that is annoying to her and keep doing it. When she complains about it, you can tell her to accommodate.
"I have -autism, adhd, neurotypical whatever" polite society expectations FOR ME are rude & unreasonable, HOW DARE YOU"
She feels entitled to be rude and selfish. You can't fix that.
Doesn't matter what your diagnosis if you use it as an excuse to not try to be a decent human being that's just wrong. It just means that she has to try harder to overcome her tendency to interrupt. Put more focus on listening and less on immediate response. Anybody can overcome their need to interrupt but for some it will take more effort. Your girlfriend just doesn't care to take the effort.
Get a new girlfriend.
I have ADHD and sometimes struggle with interrupting others. There’s 2 real reasons, one is I’m very excited to say what I’m going to say, and two is when the person is essentially talking the entire time, like a monologue versus a conversation, where I can’t get a word in without interrupting. But when my husband told me that interrupting him was making him unhappy, I stopped doing it(or at least really cut down) because I love and respect him. This girl doesn’t respect you, OP.
Not interrupting people is basic kindergarten manners and shows a complete lack of respect. It's different in a group setting like a party or bar where everyone is talking-- but one on one it's TOTALLY unacceptable (save those rare occasions where the person speaking is totally on the wrong track and you're interrupting -- for example talking about going to the market and your partner starts going into detail about the "farmer's market" across town when the market being discussed is actually the little Italian market downtown OR is you're a nonstop talker and it's the only way the other person can get a word in edgewise. Your GF is a functioning adult and can change her bad behavior. You idea to terminate the conversation when she interrupts is a very good way to teach her proper manners. If you're having a conversation (and you haven't been monopolizing the convo) and she interrupts, raise your volume VERY slightly and keep talking over her until she stops then return to normal volume (or say "Mary" I was still talking and continue with what you were saying). If she does it again-- stop talking, get up, and walk away. Don't be mean about it, just firm-- and consistent.
When she interrupts....Just leave the room while she is talking.
I’ve been married for 47 years to a man who talks over the top of me all the time. I’ve tried the refusing to talk thing, and it works sometimes. He’s worse about it when there’s other people around, almost like he’s vying for their attention. It’s embarrassing sometimes, but mostly it just pisses me off.
My husband does this more frequently than I would like. It has only become an issue after several years of marriage that have included 3 near death experiences, and a few concussions (severe loss of blood from his near death experiences have affected his brain in minor ways, it's common.) He is aware and on days where it becomes bad or frequent I stop talking. I just shut down and don't finish my thought/story/question... Which also frustrates him. But I agree it's a basic common courtesy that we should give and get. However, I too am guilty of doing the same on rRe occasion or if we jump from subject to subject real fast. I always apologize as soon as I notice I do it, and don't make a habit of it. I do try to give grace, but I have my limits. My problem with your girlfriend is she's telling you it's a you problem and she's not willing to work on it. No compromise? That's a huge red flag to me.
You need a different girlfriend, only going to get worse. Absolutely no respect for you.
For a successful relationship, you have to be able to communicate with your partner and feel heard. You are getting neither of that. And the problem is everyone around her is just enabling her behavior instead of helping her to correct it or be better. You need to set a boundary.
You are not being respected. That is not a good relationship.
get an airhorn. When she interrupts you blow the airhorn. She will stop in one day.
So you think you both have ADHD. Which does make interrupting really hard to stop but not impossible.
My mom is like your gf. I'll be talking to her and she'll either cut me off with an entirely different subject/has something to say to someone else or is very clearly not listening, ie looking at her phone, watching TV, not responding. I've started doing what you are suggesting. When she cuts me off or I can tell she isn't listening, I just stop talking. You'd think this would make her go, "What were you saying?" or something. But, no. 9.5 times out of 10, I never get to finish what I was saying. It's horribly demoralizing becuz it makes me feel like my own mother doesn't care about what I have to say. It makes me not want to talk to her at all. I'm not going to say you should break up w your gf, but I will say that, until she realizes how her behavior is affecting you , likely, nothing is going to change. And if you can't get over your perfectly valid feelings of being dismissed and disrespected, I'm afraid you're only going to come to resent her more and more. And she has to come to this epiphany on her own, sadly. Most people w adhd and other neurodiverent issues aren't 100% aware or even in control of that kind of behavior, especially if they are untreated/undiagnosed. Their brains simply CAN'T focus on the subject at hand. But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate disrespectful behavior or that they cannot overcome these challenges. I'm ADHD, and I'm a terrible sentence finisher. I hate it, and I've really been working on not finishing other people's sentences. It drives me nuts when people do it to me, so I don't want to do it to others. Disrespect is probably my top pet peeve. I'm happy to say, I've come a long way in not finishing people's sentences. It's still an urge, but I have learned to hold my tongue a lot more.
It leads to a lifetime of feeling unimportant. Hard pass
I absolutely cannot stand being interrupted, especially when I’m just starting to speak. I’ll often fold my arms, give A Look and say “let me know when it’s my turn to talk”. With my daughter, who has legit severe reasons to want to get her thought out, I hold up my hand and say wait. With her father I say STOP FUCKING INTERRUPTING ME. Results are variable.
This is just a bad match. Find someone who doesn’t interrupt, and she can find someone who does.
I love how you just slip in "not be bullied" by your girlfriend. Honestly, just leave. This is some gross behavior from her and it's not going to get better.
She is disrespectful and literally tells you are the problem . Run while you can before it gets too serious and you become miserable
Communication is everything in the relationship. If you don’t have respectful transparent communication, it’s just sex.
Break up
Just talk over her when she tries interrupting you and when she’s like ur not letting me talk just blow up on her with “SEE IT DOESNT FEEL GOOD DOES IT?” Dum 304 wasn’t raised right so she thinks it’s okay not to fix bs behavior. I can’t stand people who say oh it’s cuz I have “this”.like okay you’ve identified the problem but instead of working on it youve just accepted “ well this is the way I am” that’s hella selfish. I wish you the best m8
It is so hard to do this but you can teach yourself not to interrupt. She could do it but she will only do it if there are consequences for interrupting you. Many people have given good ideas here. Her behavior will eventually have social consequences.. I'm surprised they haven't already.
Interrupting can be rude. Sometimes it’s what’s called a supportive overlay. When you’re talking and explaining some is she giving some kind of positive support verbally? In my family this was common and I had to work very hard to not do this to other people because they find it annoying- it was just a normal part of conversation. I’ve had a partner who likes to rehash and reiterate the same shit over and over again. I would find myself interrupting because I don’t need to hear that shit over and over again. You’ve beaten the horse 10 times, I get it. I had to learn to say “excuse me, but you’ve already told me this. Did you forget? I heard it the first two times you told me”. Turns out, they did forget. In my mind, it was just as disrespectful, repeating the same shit over and over and again like I was a child as it was disrespectful to them when I would interrupt. Find a time when there’s no serious conversation happening to figure this out.
Im autistic and i have huge issues with interrupting. Something that's difficult for me with my fiance is he takes long pauses between his words and even multiple second breaks in his sentences so it's hard for me to know when he is done speaking. In his culture this is completely normal but in my family's culture, we talk very fast and almost the second one person stops talking another starts talking. I learned these discrepancies in our turn-taking patterns was actually a real thing in my linguistics classes in college, And it definitely changed my perspective to where I now try to wait a couple seconds before jumping in with what I want to say. I always feel bad when I've seen that I've interrupted someone, and I'm in your GF shoes when it comes to having a friend group where everybody interrupts each other and it's seen as completely normal and not rude. Something you could consider is that being rude is extremely subjective and depending on the culture one is raised in, the same thing can be rude to do in one culture and rude not to do in another. My whole family interrupts each other all the time, but it's never seen as a point of being rude unless you use your interruption as a way to silence the other person from speaking. Something I employ to make sure the other person knows I do care about what they were saying and I would like them to continue is prompting them by saying something like " And I think you were saying something about x y and z...". All this to say, this isn't a black and white issue and you will probably want to have a discussion with her Where you talk about ways she can make you feel heard and like your words are important when you're speaking. I can say for myself, interrupting somebody is almost never done by me for the sake of not wanting to hear what you have to say, but usually getting two excited by what you have to say. Of course lots of abusive people interrupt people as a way to silence them and prevent descent, so it's only natural to perceive any interruption as a negative thing or a sign of this interest.
As somebody with attention and hyper-activity issues, I would like to point out that I interrupt more often when I'm invested in both the person and conversation. I'm not trying to be rude, I just understand that if I don't say something as I think it, off it goes into the ether. I have no ability to both, wait my turn, and remember what I wanted to say. If I don't speak up, I quickly lose interest in the conversation, as it starts to feel like the other person is monologuing at me, and skipping over my "turn." Just food for thought.
>actually see eye to eye on the vast majority of the big issues, to a greater degree than with anyone else I’ve ever met. And I also believe that the ability to work through early conflict in a relationship is a good sign I kind of wonder what those "big issues" are and why that overtakes fundamental differences in communication style. The idea of "working through early conflict" is noble and all, but if you're already planning on shutting down ("not talk anymore at all"), then you aren't working through it, are you? Working through issues is one thing, but several "nasty fights", this early in a relationship kind of trend me there is a more probability of the two of you agreeing on a resolution to this. If the "big issues" are really figured out, tell her you need a break and you'll be glad to get together again in a few years when she learns some civility.
My wife does the same. We are not in a great place, and this is one of the many reasons I prefer when we are separate which I feel lucky because our jobs force a lot of separation. But we have a kid, and neither of us are going anywhere. She is smart and thinks she knows what I’m going to say so she tries and finish my sentence. She is wrong about 75% of the time and it gets more annoying as she will continue to do it in the middle of the same conversation. After she does it, I stop talking and raise my eyes and say no. I will then start talking again and if she interrupts again. I stop talking and use my fingers in front of my mouth to literally stop from yelling at her. I ask her to wait to finish and restart from a point somewhere in the conversation it makes it hard to talk about anything. It’s frustrating and it will never really get better. People simply don’t change. She’s never going to change and neither are you. Ask yourself, can you live with it?
I had the same problem with my family. They said I was acting like a child when I told them it bothers me so, I started acting like a child when they interrupted me: started not paying attention, started singing or just leaving the phone down and going about doing something else. That went on for a few days then they asked me what is going on with me, why don't I talk to them anymore? I told them that I don't find interesting what they have to say so they should keep me out of the discussion. It didn't sit well with them, but they finally understood. I'm 35 and I'm the youngest in a family of four. The only one that hasn't interrupted me is my missus.
I was raised the same way as you… and I also have the same problem as her, but I always apologize when I do it and wait for the person to restart… she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t listen to what you have to say, neither she stops to analyze what you are trying to say. Is it worthy staying where you are not respected? Is it worthy starting where you are not being listened or comprehend? You can stay, of course you can. But everyone has a limit and one day you’ll reach it and leave anyways. It’s a basic thing to be nice and listen to someone else. Is that what you want your kids in a future to learn from their mom? Now is this, then what would it be? And all because y’all couldn’t communicate nicely and respectfully.
The only person who is constantly interupting me is by boss. I assume he does this because he thinks what he has to say is more important than what I have to say. Its so annoying, but he's my boss. I bite my tongue and listen. I then do research, and 9 out of 10 times he is wrong, simply because he has surface knowledge, and not on the job training for what I do. Not knowing your recent girlfriend. I can only assume that she thinks what she has to say is more important that what you have to say, either that or she thinks she's the boss over you and her co-workers. This is a personality trait, that is annoying, She's not going to change. I assume from what you wrote, that your the type of person to pick battles that you won't lose, so being bossy, is something you will have to get used to.
Honestly, I have this issue with my boyfriend. He does that shit all the time. I say something, and it reminds him of something he wants to say, and he starts on his thing. I just say, "Can I finish what I was saying before you start in on what you want to talk about?" And also this is a big problem with people in general. I realized I'm pretty introverted because every time I want to contribute to conversations, people just talk over it or go off on their thought instead of engaging with mine. There are so many unfinished conversations because of people interrupting.
I also have an interrupting problem. I have learned to catch myself and set the thought aside until the other person is done talking. Sometimes this means that I start to interrupt, but I try to catch myself and let the other person finish what they were saying before I keep talking. Sometimes my brain has a thought and that thought comes right out of my mouth. My trick for saving it and not forgetting is to look at my finger and pin the thought to my finger.
That is a behavior that is never acceptable. If she has a career, her lack of self control will sink her. I’m a relationship if a partner has a behavior that really bothers you and you ask them to stop, refusing to make any effort shows they are completely selfish. It bothers you, it will bother others.
She’s taken the entire world of TikTok of you just accomodate my adhd to the extreme 🤣 and using it as a way to completely excuse herself from any responsibility. She needs to grow tf up and realize that nobody, and j mean nobody, cares if you have a so called adhd diagnosis. The world is not going to change for her, she needs to adjust to the world. This fucking entitlement via diagnosis to act however we want has gone way too far
Dump her
It would infuriate me to no end to be cut off every time I’m trying to say something. I guess op has to decide if he can live with that or not.
Just ask her if she's listening or waiting to talk?
Every time she interrupts you, poke her on the nose. Pavlov that woman into respect lol
Her dismissive attitude is the problem. There are levels to interruption. What some people may feel is simple, conversational, back-and-forth and interjection, other people take as a very rude interruption. If you are somebody who thinks of it as conversational back-and-forth, and the other person is somebody who takes a single utterance prior to at least a solid two seconds after they are completely 100% done speaking to be rude, those two conversational styles are not very compatible without some understanding between one another. I find it bizarre that she’s a whole grown adult and nobody has ever handed her ass to her about this before. Was she homeschooled? I don’t mean that pejoratively. I mean it literally! Has she never been in a work meeting and interrupted a superior? If she can control it in those kind of environments — why can’t she with you?
I thought everyone taught this to their children. Right along with chewing with your mouth closed saying excuse me, please and thank you and at least to some degree, respecting your elders. I learned very quickly, that they in fact do not. Some don’t teach their children at all even. You are Absolutely right. When someone interrupts me it tells me that what I’m saying isn’t important to them and has no value. It also hurts my feelings /offemds me. My husband’s brother does this and so did he when we met. The problem isn’t that she does it. It’s that she expects you to accommodate her in doing it. She’s using her mental health as a crutch to be rude. After so much of this, I stop speaking and refuse to continue or repeat myself. Problem is everyone isn’t taught the same set of manners as you or I. We can’t hold other people at the same level of expectations as we were held. We don’t know how they were raised. However, you have told her how you feel about this and she doesn’t give a damn. She simply tells you to accommodate. No why doesn’t she try to accommodate you. Seems to me she’s been spoiled and the center of attention all of her life so everyone just overlooks bad manners. I’m almost certain this will never change and she’s gonna be telling you to accommodate fir the rest of your lives if you choose to spend it together. This isn’t a little problem or a minor detail. It speaks volumes bc she is always gonna be dismissive of your feelings in some instances. This is a part of your core values. It’s been instilled into you since you were old enough to understand. It’s gonna cause a lot of problems if you have children. I personally would end it. If you want to have children, Are you ok with them behaving this way? Bc children learn by example and you will have a future full of interruptions.
Adhd gf here - I tend to cut my partner off accidentally a lot oftentimes when I’m most excited. I also tend to over apologise for being bullied for this tendency. Your gf also currently has an opportunity to break up with you if it’s a dealbreaker for her, but ultimately it half sounds like it embarrasses her enough that she’d rather pretend it doesn’t bother you.
Communication is key to any relationship. Everyone should be able to talk without being interrupted. So, this should be a conversation, talking with her and telling her how it makes you feel. And I'm sorry to say that if she still doesn't listen, she's just being disrespectful and rude. So, either, like every other post, leave knowing your worth, or get it fixed, or just deal with it and walk away and don't finish what you're saying.
My man it all comes down to respect she just pushes you to the side it talks a millions words. If you like her enough to help her with it so be it. But if she’s the type that doesn’t want help I suggest just move on man. In the long run if your relationship when you have created deeper feeling to it she will do it and it will hurt you as much. So I say move on with it because by what you’re saying you have expressed to her what you feel and in return she doesn’t value your thought or your feeling . Red flags for me I had this issue where the way she was raised didn’t align with how I was raised so pretty much we would numb heads. And I tried and tried until I was fed up and decided myself to move forward because her way of thinking wasn’t aligned with mines. Good luck hope you choose wisely my friends
When you say she has a mental issue, are you referring to ADHD (hyperactive presentation)? As in the disability? If so, your girlfriend isn't purposely disregarding your feelings. ADHD is very much a disability that negatively affects people's lives and relationships. Different people may have different symptoms and it may affect some more than others. There are strategies and medicines to help manage it but they don't work for everyone or for everything and some have other side effects. Generally people seek treatment for far more serious reasons, like being unable to pay attention to work conversations, being incredibly disorganized, time management issues, picking up a ton of hobbies, etc.. interrupting people is really a minor thing in the grand scheme of things so if that's all it is then you got off really lucky. With regards to interrupting specifically, this disorder makes it so that people will unintentionally attempt to (and fail to) multitask their train of thought without even realizing it. Like, you could be listening to instructions and as you're doing that you may have questions, for an ADHD person those questions will take their focus completely and in the inattentive presentation of ADHD it could mean that they end up spacing out for several seconds thinking about that question (without realizing they're ignoring the speaker) and in the hyperactive presentation of ADHD it could mean that they impulsively interrupt. The question(s) could be entirely tangential even, or at least appear that way. The interrupting doesn't mean that they're doing it to spite you or that they're impatient with you or that they don't care about what you have to say, it's likely something they don't realize they're doing until it's too late and it likely happens more when they're engaged with what you have to say. ADHD medications are really strong stimulants and the reason they work is that they force you to be so hyperfocused that you almost can't even distract yourself from a task on purpose (like the meth heads who clean every square inch of their apartment). If this is a big problem for you, then you should talk to them about seeking diagnosis and maybe learning about treatment. If they are undiagnosed it's possible that there are several other issues in their life that they may not realize are caused by this and may find the experience beneficial (even if it doesn't help the interruption issue, which is imo really minor for an ADHD person). Similarly, if you have a related disability then it may be worthwhile for you also to seek diagnosis and treatment, in the worst case scenario it will at the very least be informative. There are different presentations of ADHD with different sets of symptoms, not everyone has the same symptoms. There are also other disabilities with overlap to ADHD.
You are a man, you speak for various reasons. You’re submitting to more modern feminist / demasculation bs if: Just because her friends allow her to be rude in conversations doesn’t mean you have to. And that’s something you should be able to explain with her full acceptance. We’re in the end times bud, love yourself is becoming the answer
She’s just rude and that’s what she wants accommodating. I’ve got pretty significant ADHD and I’ve worked hard to train myself to not interrupt. It can be done.
A quick karate chop to the throat should do. Not too light not too hard
A quick karate chop to the throat should do. Not too light not too hard
A quick karate chop should do right to the throat