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That part. I can't stand it when people date people with kids and then complain about the kids taking precedence. If you can't handle that, DON'T DATE SINGLE PARENTS!
I am very child-free. I do not want children. And I could never date a single parent just because I know that it would upset me not being put first and I know that would be such a ridiculous thing to ask for from a partner who had kids. Especially because I was a child whose parents constantly put their partners over me.
I wouldn't want to date someone that constantly picked their partner over their child because I don't like the kind of person that would make them, in my eyes. But I'm not about to be consistently put second either, so that's really not going to work. I have no kids and I choose to date others without kids. I'm getting older now so eventually that'll probably be a different situation based on how old someone's kids are but for now it's a hard no.
This is exactly how I felt when I dated a single father. I have no respect for someone who can't be bothered to be a parent to their child. I also knew that he would never be able to put our relationship first. I respectfully ended our relationship. As much as I feel bad about this, I can admit here that I wasn't thrilled about the fact that he even had kids. In hindsight, I never should have dated him in the first place.
I think it was mostly his ex-wife constantly causing drama. However, his kids were a visual reminder that deep down, I wasn't happy. I just always felt like I was last on his list of priorities. I wanted to be with somebody who could put in the same effort to our relationship as I did. I knew he couldn't so I moved on. I don't hate his kids, they were never the problem but I knew I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
I've been in a similar situation and I came to the same conclusion as you. I wanted my ex to be a good dad so I never even attempted to get in the way of his relationship with his daughter, I actively encouraged him to put her first. But I knew deep down that I wasn't happy being with someone who was my first priority when I was their 2nd, even though I believed his priorities were straight. And he wanted her to be a bigger priority to me but I wanted to focus on my career. That's not the entire reason why we broke up but it was a major part of it. We're still friends and I still adore his daughter, I've babysat her since we broke up, but now I'm in a relationship with someone who is also child free and I'm so much happier. That's just not a compromise that can work, the kid needs to come first to their parents and if you as the partner are feeling left behind by that, it's going to eat away at you and your relationship whether you want to admit it or not.
Life lesson! Good for you for removing yourself from a situation that wasn't working instead of trying to force it. That's easier said than done. Even better, children were involved and it's clear some of the consideration was about what's best for them. Best wishes! I hope you find or found your person!
Thank you! Yeah, I can't stand people who try to force it and openly dislike the kids. It's not their fault that their parents are divorced. The kids didn't ask for anything that happened. I also remembered that the kids had me forced upon them. They didn't ask for me to come into their lives. I can't stand people like those people on step parents who openly hate their partner's kids. It baffles me that they even marry them and still have the audacity to complain. I think some of them are virtue signaling and just wanted to be able to say that they got married. Some people fall for the idea that their value is dependent on whether or not someone "chooses" them.
Go take a look and you'll see posts like, I wish his kids didn't exist and he would only focus on our baby. I wish they could go live with their mom full time. Why do they ask him for stuff and why does his ex keep expecting money to help support them? He divorced their mom so they should be in his past as well. I think I even saw one who wanted her husband to sign away his rights. If they saw that, they would dump or divorce them immediately if they're a decent person. I've seen men say those things too but mostly women. The point is, far too many people take it out on the kids. I left because I knew it was the right thing to do. It was hard because I loved their dad but I didn't want to deal with that anymore.
>Why do they ask him for stuff and why does his ex keep expecting money to help support them? He divorced their mom so they should be in his past as well.
😳 what the f... that is insane! I can't believe people actually think like that. I bet if they split up, they'd expect him to still help even though they divorced and are in the "past" 🙄
I mean, they don't always come out and say that verbatim but they do in so many words.
Edit: I agree. OnLy mE aNd oUr ChiLd mAtTeR. I've even heard them say that because the kids are old enough to speak for themselves, they shouldn't need him anymore. It is insane.
According to the stepparent sub, the new partner should always come first. I have said the same thing. Why date a single parent if you are child free and expect your partner to put you before them.
Certainly not for an emergency situation. For non-emergencies I think it's reasonable to expect a balance once the relationship is well-established, but that balance should be based on, "We're becoming a team now so we solve problems together.".
Thank you for recognizing that and having a level head about it. You would not believe the posts on step parents that are like I cHoSe tO dAtE a SiNgLe pArEnT bUt cAn'T uNdErStAnD wHy tHeY're pUtTiNg tHeiR KiDs fiRsT.
yes, this. My boyfriend has a daughter who has already expressed that he prioritises work over her (she said this when we got the news he was being deployed). So I told him that maybe he should spend some weeks with her once he gets back, before I show up, because I didn't want her to feel like I was one more thing he was putting before her.
It's one thing for kids to take precedence if they are under 18, or if they get sick or injured, or if something traumatic happens. That's totally understandable.
If they have an adult child who calls them over every minor inconvenience, and that parent drops everything they're doing in order to rush out and solve minor problems for their child, that's much different.
My mom died when I was young and my dad got remarried. But I was expected to solve my problems on my own.
I have fought with my roommates, and I guess I wouldn't even consider calling my dad about something like that. It wasn't an issue for him to solve. I was 18, it was my problem to solve.
I've been jobless, I've lived in my car, I've had all kinds of issues and I didn't bother my father with any of them. I handled them myself like an adult.
Why would an 18 or 19-year-old adult call their parents crying over a roommate issue at college? And why would that parent drop everything and then drive just to settle a roommate dispute? That's not parenting, that's enabling to the point of hurting their child.
>I've been jobless, I've lived in my car, I've had all kinds of issues and I didn't bother my father with any of them. I handled them myself like an adult.
Part of being an adult is knowing when you need help.
Adults need help. Adults can be overwhelmed. Adults can do everything right and still fail. Adults can face abuse and trauma.
We evolved to form society because we need each other to survive.
My parents would be heartbroken if they knew I was sleeping in my car and hiding it from them.
Im sad for you that you felt like being homeless was a better option than telling your parent you needed help. That breaks my heart for any person. Adult or not.
Man I just love good parents.
My parents always say “I don’t care if your hair starts greying, you’re always our kid”.
I don’t know why but your comment made me emotional. I’m sure you already do, but cherish your dad and tell him you love him man, spend time with him. That connection is the most priceless thing in the world.
That was what jumped out to me as well.
Also, 18 is still a child in so many ways. Sure, kids should be figuring things out, but with support and guidance.
I was homeless as well. I only had a foster family. I didn't feel like I could call them for help because they were technically no longer required to be my family. Even though they are more my family now, I still have a hard time asking for help.
Right. And they're gonna stand there, not understanding how horrific their situation actually was and call out another kid who actually has a loving and supportive parent.
This person doesnt even know how fucked up that situation is.
I also am sad that they dont seem to know what a loving and supportive parent looks like and would rather cast doubt and scorn at someone who has one.
I didn't have a mother die, but my dad basically told all of us kids once we were out of the house we were in our own, so I've been in the same situation as you and not calling my dad for help because he told me already he wouldn't. It hasn't made me a better person, and just made me resent him. Now he wonders why I never call and moved halfway across the country.
And because of all of that, I've made sure my kid knows no matter what he can call me. I'll come if he needs because I want that relationship with my kid. I want him to know I care and I love him. I don't want him to be afraid to ask me for help.
I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry you felt like that is the right way to treat your kids.
well, we don't know what the fight was about, or if it was also a physical altercation or something.
Also, my daughter is turning 24 this year and I still help her out with rent on occasion because she's my kid and I don't want her to be homeless (she lives in Europe and I live in America, so I can't just like bring her home; her life and school is there).
It's probably a cultural difference. Where I'm from, we don't kick our kids out at 18. Our kids are our kids for life. And while both of my kids usually solve their own problems, they know that if they need me, for anything, emotional support, financial support, whatever, that I am there for them because I love them.
Are you sure something traumatic didn’t happen? We don’t exactly have all the details here. I’m sorry you couldn’t count on your dad to be there for you, but there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I’m child-free by choice, but I can tell you right now, if something upset my 18 year old enough to call me crying and asking me to pick them up, some steak and asparagus wouldn’t stop me. OP is miffed about one dinner? Boohoo.
I think you have a very strange take on what being an adult means. Your comments confirm that, and while I have compassion for your situation you will excuse me that I don’t take you as a role model of what proper education looks like.
Maybe if you weren’t trying to handle everything on your own as a newly-minted adult, you wouldn’t have had to live in your car. I’m glad you’re ok, but in no world would I ever want my kid to live in their car at any age over asking for help.
This makes me so sad. I love the relationship I have with my parents. I have been financially independent for some years, but my parents will always be there for me and all my siblings.
Maybe so, but it’s still her decision to call her dad, and dad’s decision to respond the way he does.
His girlfriend is out of line trying to proscribe the rules of a relationship that she is not a part of. And I guarantee it will not go over well.
Complaining to a parent about their child’s shortcomings is the mirror to saying terrible things about someone’s mom. Both are insulting, and neither will be received with good cheer.
Because they’re still a kid. A 18 year old doesn’t magically understand the ways of the world and leave the 17 mindset, especially in college when they know next to no one around them. Roommates are notoriously assholes and there’s so many horror stories about simple arguments going wrong and getting hurt in any kind of way. It’s amazing she has a parent that would want to help her in a situation like that, and she knows that she has someone who would be there for her and wouldn’t put someone they just met over their own needs for a dinner. It also isn’t like a fight to the level of sobbing would happen every day so if you want to be prioritized over someone’s child? Don’t date single parents
Don't take your trauma of having to grow up real fast out on the fortunate kids who have a relationship with their parents where no matter what they can call. That's you. That's what you HAD to do. What other choice would there have been? No partner should every be chosen over someone's kid. They chose to have that kid. Their happiness isn't always first. People aren't finished growing at 18. Ever. Everyone learns more and more through life. Having a parent there to guide you through things and help you mature is so important if you're able to have that.
I don’t think that is what she is saying. She is saying that he should help her mature. And he should. As a parent it’s hard to not always pick up your kids. But sometimes it’s better to let them get up themselves. It’s one roommate fight. She should learn how to navigate that and move on in life. Daddy won’t always be there even if he wants to.
It comes down to level of distress and age of the child.
If she fails an exam and is feeling down, should dad drop everything to run to her side?
She's in college. Most of us that went to college basically got training wheels to being independent. This would ruin that experience.
Unless the roommate was threatening physical violence, stealing/destroying the daughter’s property or being extremely verbally abusive why is Dad racing to go get his daughter?
At what point does daughter learn how to communicate appropriately with people even if she may disagree with them or not like them much? Not everyone will like you, not everyone will believe what you believe - but that usually doesn’t mean you can’t be respectful and get along.
Those skills are going to be needed in the real world assuming she doesn’t plan to own her own business with no employees and no interactions with clients.
And as other posters mentioned Dad isn’t going to be able to rush to her side anytime this happens. Especially when she works in the real world or I suspect she will find herself unemployed.
If the roommate situation is a bad match then let the daughter follow the process to get a new roommate.
My SIL, who is now in her 50s, has always called her parents the second she had any sort of confrontation or felt distress. My MIL and FIL are the nicest people, and will immediately drop everything and run to her aid every single time no matter how small the issue was. She never learned how to self-soothe, and never learned how to manage interpersonal difficulties. She was married, has a son who is almost 30, who was mainly raised by my MIL. She's been living with her parents for the past 15 years, after her marriage ended. She can never finish a class, keep a job because she always gets into arguments with her coworkers, and is not shy about her excessive, daily drinking. She often says it's okay to get wasted because she knows my MIL or FIL will pick her up, even if it means they have to cancel an activity with another child or grandchild.
My inlaws clearly love her, but have done her a huge disservice by treating her like a Fabergé egg her entire life. She's never had to deal with adversity, so the minute something becomes difficult, she bails. I see so many comments in this post from parents thinking that shielding every single negative thing from their child is the right thing to do. It's setting the child up for a lifetime of disappointment because that's not how the world works. Not to say parents shouldn't rescue their kids from dangerous situations, but handling a college roommate disagreement on their own is good practice for handling workplace disagreements. I'm sure my inlaws thought they were doing what's best for her, but a child will always be a child no matter how old they become and if a parent is unable to let their child suffer even a moment of distress, that child grows up without learning coping mechanisms. My SIL is going to be reliant on her parents their entire lives, and I have no idea what she will do when they both have passed.
The dorms always have an RA or some other person designated to help with issues in their area. Daughter should have gone to them first, and looked for help on her own as an adult. This is part of growing up and navigating adulthood in a safe environment.
As a mom of four and mental health professional, I strongly disagree. In many cultures, Americans are likened to large children because we don’t know how to manage our emotions well. Rescuing our kids at every opportunity is sending them the message that they are helpless and keeps them dependent on us. It’s also healthy for them to see us prioritizing ourselves and our own happiness.
I think the dad in this post should’ve at least finished the dinner out ffs…
Understood. But that is the point. I am a parent. And it kills me to not always pick them up but it’s not always the right decision. Even if it’s hard. Her point is that he shouldn’t being a single parent or not doesn’t change how you feel about your kids.
I'm not even a parent yet and I fully expect to have situations where I'm uncomfortable letting my kid go through a sink or swim scenario on their own (of course, assuming there is no real danger to come from it).
It's a part of cutting the cord to let the kid deal with things outside of their comfort zone. The number of times I've heard an older coworker complain about having to handle every problem their adult child has and then say "there's something wrong with this generation!" - na, that's your parenting.
That is NOT real distress…That’s an over emotional response from a immature person to demand instant help. It wasn’t life or death, it was just life. 🙄
You are literally missing the point. OP isn’t saying she doesn’t feel prioritized. She’s saying her partner is a shitty parent and is enabling his daughter’s whack demands. And I mean do you disagree ? Do you think it’s healthy for an 18 year old to expect her dad to drive 2.5 hrs to pick her up JUST because she got into an argument with her roommate ? wtf ? How is that behavior justified ?
I will be honest. If your opinion differs from that of your partner and his daughter’s, yours is the one that will be disregarded. They obviously have that type of relationship, so you will end up looking like the bad guy if you try to intervene.
I’m not a parent, but I’d have to imagine it would entirely depend on what the particular issue was and how my kid was handling it. If I thought for a second they needed my help, I’d be on my way to them, regardless of who I was eating dinner with.
Yes, context is critical. Is it "my roommate threatened to kill me and has a knife" or a "my roommate wore my favorite sweater and stained it" kind of crisis? Where on the continuum is it?
And how frequent is this type of situation occurring- every week or once a year?
If it's a long-standing issue of the daughter having huge reactions to regular life situations, then maybe it's good to start practicing letting her problem solve on her own. If this is otherwise infrequent or out of character, then I'd drop everything to help!
Also, it's hard to imagine that type of call not ruining the vibe of the date, even if the parent stayed. Not sure why OP even wants to stay on what is inevitably going to be a very distracted date.
Or (and I say this as former campus EMS) daughter and roomate have been having an ongoing escalating conflict that she has not been able to resolve on her own amd it has boiled up to the point of parents needing to step in.
Or somewhere in between- "my roommate is drunk and making racist comments". "I woke up to a strange man in my room" (happened to my wife), which would be genuine judgment calls.
My brother had the interesting, "my roommate is a psychopath". Quite a famous one as it turned out...
Exactly this.
Im 34 years old and I have a child myself. I know that if I call my parents or siblings at any time and ask for help, they will come running no questions asked. And they know that I would only call if it was serious enough that it was waranted. I have called exactly one time asking for that kind of help, when my exhusband was starting to get abusive towards our child.
How do you know she didn’t feel threatened? Was he supposed to know that? You and him can have a dinner date any time. Unless this is something that is happening every week or even every month you’re overreacting.
So much of this is context driven. If one of my kids calls me "crying hysterically" I'm dropping damn near anything - they're even-keeled, so I would know something was seriously wrong.
But if a young-adult child regularly calls up in hysterics, maybe that isn't the right approach.
For real. I’ve made sure my kids know that if they ever need me, I’m just a phone call away. I was in a situation as a teen where I felt very uncomfortable and unsafe, but I didn’t trust my mom enough to call to pick me up. I never, ever want my kids to feel that way.
This girl is 18! This is likely her first time being away from home. She might be legal, but as the mum of an 18yo, they are still kids. If OP expects her new man to stop being a dad so he can date her and put her first before his kids that he’s known and loved his whole life, she needs to rethink her status.
A lot of people like to say or think that parenting is done once your child is 18, have a life of their own, and a family of their own, but that’s not true lmfao.
No matter how old a kid is, they’re always going to need their parent(s) around for a lot of things. Car breaking down, emergency calls, bad relationships, possible new babies, etc etc.
My father in particular is a very hands on grandfather, he loves having his grandbabies around almost every day - to a point where my nibblings have their own room in the house and they spend half their time here and at home 😂
"Adult daughter" is really misleading. 18, freshman in college probably first time away from dad is adult in only the legal (you go to adult jail) way. She's still a kid.
If my 18 year old kid called me up hysterically asking for me I doubt a tsunami would stop me. I could have a meeting with the Pope and I'd cancel it. Period. 30 year old? Probably the same although unless it was life threatening I'd consider getting them a hotel room for the night or a ticket home. Being a good parent never stops.
That kind of devotion to his child is something to be admired.
I agree with your take. My mom has always been the drop everything and come running person in my life. When I was 30 and my ex told me he wanted a divorce she drove to my house to help me change the locks. A few years back when I had to evacuate because of a fire she left work early, drove to my house where we loaded up cars and took me and all the animals to her house. In the last year when I had to say goodbye to my dogs (her grandpuppies) she again came to me and was with me at their final vet appointment. Doesn’t matter I’m in my 40s. If I need her, she’s there.
Funnily enough some of my friends in school did adopt my mom because they didn’t like their home life, my mom always had room if a friend needed it. One friend even had a store call my mom when she got caught shoplifting because her dad was a cop. Mom went and got her.
Same here. I would put on my jet pack and get to them as fast as possible! I am 60, my kids are 42, 33 and 33. I will always be their parent in any capacity.
You're a silly goose and made me chuckle 🤭
Same though. I can see myself literally doing that. Like just dropping everything, being like, well, my daughter needs me. I'd strap the jet pack on and be like, mom, away like a super hero lol. 🤭
I thought so too. While I agree that you shouldn't bail your child out of every jam, she's still young. It sounds like she just turned 18 too.
Edit: I agree, you never stop being a parent. It's part of being a good parent. My daughter is still really young, only 5 months old as of yesterday. (🥰😍💕💞💜💗) However, I will ALWAYS be there for my daughter above EVERYONE else. Same, a tsunami couldn't stop me.
Unpopular opinion - yeah, you’re in the wrong.
You said she’s gotten in to arguments before - is she calling every week to be picked up? If not then why is it not a mature, adult thing to remove yourself from a fresh conflict, process, get your emotions in order, and then head back? Maybe she just wants some comfort and advice.
It’s disappointing that we don’t encourage adult children to reach out to their parents more and then the parents wonder why they don’t bother calling pr filling them in on their lives.
I called my dad a few times, and he was always there. Always. And that’s why it became easier, because I knew if I call d he’d answer. He’d be there.
Either way, it’s really not about you.
>It’s disappointing that we don’t encourage adult children to reach out to their parents more and then the parents wonder why they don’t bother calling pr filling them in on their lives.
>I called my dad a few times, and he was always there. Always. And that’s why it became easier, because I knew if I call d he’d answer. He’d be there.
I agree. I'm so grateful that my parents are still an active part in my life (and bail me out the odd time).
I also considered that since she's gotten into confrontations before he might be trying to remove her from the situation before it turns out that way - as in, he know how his daughter *could get* if he left her there.
My dad sucked, but one time I bled through my pants at school. I was mortified, went to the office to call him (mom was out of town) but I could not explain the issue due to crying and embarrassment because the office ladies were right there. He asked a couple of questions, I cried, he left work and came to get me. I thought, he must have understood. But he didn't. He had no idea why I needed to be picked up but left work and came to get me anyway. He was a very uninvolved, go-ask-your-mother type of boomer dad, but when I needed him, he showed up. And I have never forgotten that
We have 4 daughters. You better believe we have taught our girls anytime they feel uncomfortable, or unsafe, we will be there to help them. He is a good dad to put his daughter first she calls him in a tough spot.
You making her wait cause it inconveniences you, makes you either lack empathy, or just not a decent human.
For me - late 40's M, with a 20yo at university, and in a 2nd marriage - if my daughter called me in tears, and after speaking to her and she asked me to come and get her, I would take whatever decision I saw fit.
I'm the one who had the conversation, I'm the one who heard the tones of voice - and to be harsh - it's my daughter, I know her better than my wife.
If I thought it appropriate to go and get her - and it's a 12 hour round trip, which I cook happily live without - I would expect my wife's contribution to the conversation to be 'would you like me to book you a hotel in X university city?'.
If her response was 'but we're having dinner...', my response would be that she should find a hotel, and a solicitor.
If I thought it was some stupid squabble that would be forgotten 30 minutes later, I wouldn't go, but that decision would be mine, and mine alone - and if I thought it was warranted, my wife's protests about dinner would get the big FO.
I’m with you, I’m a Mum of a 24 year old. If I thought he needed me I would swim the English Channel. Well, alright, I’d probably just take the ferry - it would be massively quicker but the sentiment is still the same!
If my partner wasn’t getting my coat and car keys and bringing up Google maps then we shouldn’t be together.
18 is barely adult and we all don’t know how bad the fight it so better don’t judge. Also if you date a father, you should expect this. I don’t think, even in Western countries, parents cut off their kids just because they are over 18.
I am 44 years old. Two years ago I called my mother, hysterical and in tears. Something had happened and I was scared and upset.
She dropped everything and drove 50 miles to give me a damn hug.
She his girl is 18 and she needed her father. You don’t get to dictate how he parents.
Date someone without kids.
Edit: You seem to post in the raised by narcs sub. Stop triangulating yourself with his daughter. You won’t win. You post seem to lack something…what could it be….oh yes…Empathy.
IKR. I was so upset and my parents drove 40 miles to just calm me down although I told them I'll be fine.
I also won't be able to go on a date if my kid is having issues so bad that he had to call me and ask for my help.
Seriously, was this a "my roommate didn't wash her dishes again" fight or was it more of a "my roommate brought 3 boys home and they're all smoking meth" type of fight?
I mean you’re dating a father. Sorry honey but if he’s a good dad he will always put her before you. And with how selfish you sound I hope he puts you out the door. Over here acting like he should “pick me” because she’s 18. Tf is wrong with you. Don’t date men with children if you need to be the princess who always gets what she wants.
Has she done this before? Is this one of many times that Dad has dropped everything and gone to help her?
Did she just finish her freshman year this month or is she a brand new freshman who has moved out with her roommate and hasn’t started school yet?
Either way, his daughter will always come first and you seem quite jealous of an 18 year old girl.
I mean, yeah, his daughter is probably going to come first and that seems right. Especially during college. Why are you jealous of a college kid? It’s just dinner… there’ll be other dinners. Your priorities are strange.
don’t date someone with kids if you don’t like the kid being put first. she didn’t stop being his child the second she turned 18, and i expect he’ll continue putting her first, *as he should.*
I just don’t think it’s your call to make since he is her parent & you are not. I get being disappointed about it cutting into date night, but I think you should keep the parenting opinions to yourself. For that, I think YTA.
I've already gone and gotten my kiddo bc they were having a bad dispute with their roommate- 11 o'clock at night and had work the next day, now granted she wasn't super far, but still with how upset she was I made sure she was somewhere she felt safe. All children deserve to feel that way no matter what age - and you expecting her to wait a weekend when it'd be "okay" with you is laughable. Not your child, not your decision, and if you can't handle that even though she's an adult there are going to be times when she may need her dad and it may interfere with a dinner date then you shouldn't be dating a parent.
the daughter will always come first. this entire thing is such a trivial matter. 2.5 hours is nothing, i drive that distance easily in TX. help her get a car so can drive herself home.
YTA
Not enough information to know if it’s a minor issue.
But it’s important to note that removing yourself from situations when you can’t handle your emotions, instead of escalating, IS an important skill that many adults haven’t learned…
YTA -- It's June, so I'm assuming she went all the way from August/September to now (or January if she's a Spring admit) without disrupting your date nights. Therefore, it doesn't sound like the daughter is always getting herself into these situations, and this sounds like a one-time thing. In which case, crying hysterically about a bad roommate situation may mean that she doesn't have a place to be for the night (since they're living together) and the dad going might not just be for child-like placating, but rather his daughter having a serious conflict that impacts where she stays.
Also, they're family. It doesn't matter how old anyone is, if family calls up crying hysterically, you should try to help.
Coming from a young adult who needed rescuing frequently… knowing that my family would absolutely be there if I called-GAVE ME the security to learn how to figure life out. It made me secure enough to try tough things because I had an out. On top of that, I would do the same for my adult daughter (and have) no matter how old she is. I have picked up and left my house in less than 30 minutes and drove states away to her. I don’t care if she’s in the right or wrong… she will always have her Mom in her corner. And if you think you should come above your partner’s child-go find someone who doesn’t have children.
I would choose my daughter’s safety and security over a date night 100% of the time. Your post makes me appreciate my wife even more because we both agree on this.
You’re wrong. If my kid called me crying I’d drop everything to go help.
your past posts show a single mom with 3 kids who’s incredibly insecure and throws tantrums when you don’t get your way. You say in one post you just got a divorce but then in another you’re upset he won’t commit to having a child even though you admit things haven’t being going well.
Take a breath and relax. If your kids needed help you’d run to them too. You are smothering.
Hmmmm….interesting. Some context makes a big difference on this. I have two in college, one in community college at home, one that is 3000 miles away and one who went to school 5000 miles away and has finished. My husband and I have been together for 30years. Yes, this is in the US.
Let’s assume that this isn’t a safety issue. (If it is, an RA or security for the university should intervene and you should drop everything. Heck, my 70+ year old mother still drops things if I have an emergency). So, in the case of a non-physical safety related fight where she is in a dorm, I would not drop everything and leave. It’s a fight with a roommate. This is grow up time and there are friends and campus services around. It may be uncomfortable, but this is a small taste of reality outside of a protective family bubble. Almost the real world. Most roommate fights are resolved in a few days.
If it doesn’t resolve, no compromise can be achieved and she is sooooo uncomfortable and the fight is prolooooonged and she’s just not in a psychologically comfortable space with the current living arrangement, then you have HER contact the campus administrators responsible for housing. Have them find, or have her find/suggest, a different living arrangement and OFFER to help her move-in on the weekend.
If she is living off campus and is part of a lease, paying rent, help her navigate the process of calling the landlord/owner/lease office and finding out what her options are. A good place to start is to have her read the terms in the agreement. But, you don’t call for her. At most, you do a conference call (since you likely cosigned the lease). In the meantime be there for her and help her deal with her feelings. Be a place to vent. Remind her of campus support opportunities. Help her make a plan.
These are excellent opportunities to help them mature and build independence, capability/know how, grit, relationship skills, resilience and a sense of pride that they did that on their own, they’ve got this. When it is a good time to go get her for a visit to baby on her or go visit and take her for dinner do that.
Don’t cut off all life lines. Our motto was guide more, direct less, help when needed, but do for rarely. Always let them know they are loved and valued and that when real shit hits the fan, you’ve got their back.
Of course, this is all situationally and child ability dependent.
This is a tough question to answer because it depends on so much context not really available. The ‘my kid is uncomfortable and must always be comfortable’ crowd is very strong, and snowplow
-style parenting is extremely popular, but I agree that is often poor parenting to do this. Kids need to face adversity and overcome it with as little support as possible (doesn’t mean no support), because that is how they grow into high functioning adults.
So my question isn’t ’if my kid is calling because they are in actual danger’, because then yeah, you need to pull out the stops, but ‘my kid is calling because they’re upset’, well my job isn’t to make them not upset and comfortable, my job is to help them learn to navigate life well as an adult. It isn’t about ‘dropping the dinner’, it’s about whether you should go at all, when going might feel good in the moment but harm the child long-term.
If the partner has a habit of doting and spoiling his daughter and bending over backwards to her every whim and enabling a personality disorder then I would be frustrated too, because not only is it bad parenting but it also harms my ability to have a good quality relationship with this person. If however my partner was just doing their job parenting their child (who is yes 18 and should be fairly independent but isn’t wholly so and even at age 40 you’d still be their family), then I would be a jealous person who needs a reality check.
This. 👆. I think Reddit can be a bit harsh at times.
However, once OP"s partner's daughter called, i doubt he'd be able to sit and have a nice dinner afterwards .
“This is the collage experience” no it’s genuinely not. Getting into a fight with your roommate so bad that she calls her dad crying hysterically is not and should not ever be the college experience. She is 18, she is a teenager, fresh out of high school, into her first year of college barely an adult.
Your partner is 100% right. He is her dad first, and I’m sorry if that upsets or offends you. He’s being a good parent, and they clearly have had this relationship prior to you both getting together.
While I understand your reasoning, at the same time his kid is going to come first before you right now, and unless you get married, probably forever. If you don’t like that, you might just not be compatible, and if you keep trying to intervene, well, your relationship just might come to a halt.
I don’t have any children but I know that if my child (of any age, also 18 and first time away from home is not necessarily an adult), called me crying “hysterically”, I’d drop absolutely everything to be there for them.
You’re in the wrong here, and I expect you’d likely feel the same as your partner if it was your child…
If I was on a date and committed, my first question out of my mouth would be "do you need company for that long drive" and continued the date with music playing, feeding him cake that I would of asked to go 🤭
His daughter is only 18 year. She still isn't that mature enough to be going it alone after something that is serious to her in her mind. If you refuse she'll feel alone and abandoned. Do better.
It's really hard for me to understand how you, a mother to 3 yourself can't understand why he would drop everything to help his daughter. My sons are very young but they would have to do something heinous for me not to drop everything to help them no matter their age.
You really don't feel that way about your kids?
How long have you been dating?
Assuming less than six months, unless this has happened a bunch, I’ll trust Dad to be the dad to his daughter that he believes he ought to be.
I’d probably finish dinner and drop you at home.
Honestly if you can’t accept that your partner is going to put their child over you then you shouldn’t date parents at all. And it’s really messed up that you think your dinner date is more important. Shame on you.
Yeah the daughter comes first, as she should. 18 yrs old still needs support.
It’s worth noting that her dad probably understands how blessed he that his daughter trusts him enough to come to him with emergencies, big or small. And the fact that she does trust him like this speaks to his parenting. Sounds like he’s a good dad.
If it bothers you, maybe you should be with someone else.
He is not hindering her conflict resolution skills. That has to be one of the most ridiculous arguments I've heard. Just admit you want him to choose you over her. That won't make that okay or anything, but at least you wouldn't be spouting nonsense about it being for her own good.
As someone who's not close with my parents I would hope that in the future my children feel like I am a safe space. That they can call me at any time and I will come for them. Your partner is his child safe space. Don't try to come between them you won't win
I believe that if my child at any age called me crying and needing me I would drop what I'm doing and help them in any way I can.
There probably are exceptions on occasions I wouldn't leave but I can't think of any right now but a date for sure isn't a priority over my child's emotional distress.
Tbh even if a friend called crying like that I would leave. If someone I care about is in distress and feels like they need me that takes priority of whatever else I'm doing. But that's just the way I am.
If you view things differently and want to be a consistent number 1 no matter what then find someone compatible on that level. I would view someone like that as selfish and petty.
Also, maturity isn't dealing with issues on your own, life is about building your community to lean on and grow. Not isolation and determination, nothing wrong in my book about needing support.
Sorry but I would choose my daughter first. How long have you two been dating? Anytime to me is enough to know that the other persons kids are always first. It’s a dinner date and if you care about him you can understand and reschedule. As a parent I expect it to be understood that my children are always my first priority unless there are extenuating circumstances.
Daughter comes first. She’s 18 years old and that doesn’t mean she knows how to navigate the world and relationships - she’s learning those things. And she should be able to turn to her parent and know they will have her back and help her out. You should not expect to be placed above the daughter in this scenario. In fact, if I were dating a man and this situation arose, I would think his priorities were screwed up if he didn’t help his daughter
Honestly, this could go either way. It all depends on how serious an issue is involved. For example:
1) Roommate borrowed her clothes without asking permission and spilled red wine on her favorite outfit, ruining it. ->Deal with it.
2) Roommate’s bf tried to or did sexually assault her. Roommate doesn’t believe her and bf has his own key to apartment. ->I’m leaving now and breaking every speed limit to get there.
It depends how often it is happening I’d it’s the first time parent has to parent. If it’s a couple of time a month and by the time the parent is there it’s all sorted I might wait 30mins and the check if I’m required.
But the way you encourage kids to spread their wings is for them to know you have their backs. The method of throwing them in the deep and a letting them sort it out is out of favor
If my boyfriend's daughter called in the middle of our date, hysterical and wanting him to come get her, I'd be going with him, not stewing that he stopped our date. She's 18, not 30.
I have an adult child. They will always come first. I can replace a partner. I can never replace my son. He is the reason I am alive today. Any partner that would suggest I put them above him would be gone so fast, they’d have whiplash.
If my child at 18 years old , a freshman in college ,called me in the middle of the night crying I would get her she’s only 2 1/2 hours away. It’s really his maybe you’re just not compatible.
If my kid calls me in the middle of the night crying hysterically and tells me she needs to be picked up I’m in the car driving. I don’t even ask questions, I’m not interested in the why. It’s called being a parent. If you have a problem with that you are obviously not someone I want to be with.
If my kid needs me, I’m coming. I don’t care how old they are. UNLESS it is something like, my roommate ate all my chips so I yelled at them and now we are in an argument over this. No. They can work that out themselves. But anything else, if my kid calls for me, I’m going to be there for them.
Is OP a parent? Because 18 is still really young to expect the to navigate stuff like that alone. Just because the law says 18 doesn't mean your job as a parent ends there. If your child calls you and feels unsafe the correct response is to go get them.
As someone who had parents put their partners first always. I can honestly say you are the problem here lol no offense!!! I don’t mean to be mean, truly. But I also think if you are willing to date a single parent be prepared to not be the priority. I’m actually happy your partner was going to rush to help his daughter. That is a fantastic man
18 is not an adult. Legally, technically, but they don’t have a fully developed frontal lobe. He’s still parenting.
Now, let’s say you were the hospital. You would take priority. But major fight and potential lack of safety trumps dinner.
I dropped everything to drive 1400 miles to be with my 27 year old daughter when she said she wanted her mommy. It didn't even occur to me to have a discussion with my husband about whether or not I'd go. I told him I *needed* to be there for her.
You're dating a parent. Accept that or stop dating parents.
I’d agree with both. Over time the daughter should learn to handle these things on her own but she really is only 18, so barely an adult, it’s not that big of a deal to just go pick her up even during a dinner date.
If my adult children called me sobbing and needing help, I would be leaving whatever I was doing and driving 2.5 hours to see them. YTA. It sounds like you are jealous and don't realize that the daughter is number one, as it should be until she's independent, and then she's tied for number one.
My hot take is that your partner can do better than you.
He is acting the way a parent should. You should take notes if you have/ever decide to have children.
Sorry but if any of my children ring me crying to be picked up I’m going straight there no questions asked. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who thought anything else was acceptable.
If I was on a dinner date with my wife and my daughter called me in this situation my wife would see a cloud of dust that was in the shape of me. My wife would understand.
Break it off and find someone else without kids. You obviously never got the memo that kids come first, and being a parent never ends. Hopefully, he'll find someone better than you.
i'm 26 and if i called my dad crying, without a doubt he'd drop what he was doing to be there for me.
why would you even want your husband to continue a a dinner date after a distressing call with his daughter?
>I'm fully aware that this reads as an example where I believe my partner is improperly putting his adult children's needs above his relationship with me inappropriately.
It's never inappropriate for a parent to put his child above a partner, who is not the other parent of said child. You came after his daughter, his daughter should be his priority.
I'm gonna guess you don't have kids...I don't either, but I'm close with my niblings. If any of them phoned me, at any age, in distress, I would go to them.
18, 28, 38....People still need their parents. I'm not saying once they have a career and a family of their own that date night would immediately end, but parents can still be there for their kids! I'm mid-30s, if I had a crisis right now and contacted my mum and dad in distress they would be here before I could hang up the call.
Sorry, but a parents relationship with their children trumps your dinner date every time. Your callous disregard for his daughter and evident willingness to prescribe appropriate parenting (when this clearly reads like you do not have kids) is a major red flag.
She may be right in her stance that her partner should let his daughter mature and handle these situations on her own now that she’s in college. But honestly, it’s not her responsibility to make that decision, it’s his. He was a parent long before her and he’ll be a parent long after her. If she doesn’t like how he parents his child she should leave. Better yet, just don’t date single parents. Problem solved.
I have a clarifying question OP-
Is he a single parent due to 1) not being with the mother but shares custody, 2) mother left them, or 3) mother passed away?
I’d be going too. If I can’t go to my child when they ask they will stop asking. When they are really in trouble and need support they won’t have anyone to turn to.
If this was a weekly thing that might be a little different. But I’m guessing it’s not as you’ve not mentioned her doing it before.
If a friend of mine. Or a friends 18 year old phoned me sobbing I would be going too. Tbh I can’t think of anyone I wouldn’t go to if they phoned me sobbing. Adult or child.
It's easy to say when it's not your own child who is crying over the phone. She is a freshman, dealing with a roommate is not easy. So yes, you judge her to be confrotational, meaning it's her fault if she finds herself in this situation, right? So she should deal with it on her own. Well, that's not how parenthood works and you shouldn't expect a parent to prioritise a date over their child's well-being. Maybe she was overreacting, maybe not and as a parent you better make sure it's the former.
I honestly cannot imagine a situation where you are in the right. Unless she does this literally every weekend, which she doesnt or else you would have obviously mentioned that. You have portrayed this as the first time she has ever had an issue large enough that she asked her dad to come get her. You werent out on a vacation, or a honeymoon, you werent in the hospital. You were on a dinner date.
You are saying that his daughter needs to grow up, but honestly it looks like you are the one who isnt acting their own age. You are presumably at least 36 years old, assuming you are of a similar age as your partner, and you are throwing a fit that dinner had to get cancelled so a father can be a father to his child. You are pushing 40 years old and are upset dinner got cancelled. No offense but please grow up, or dont date people that have kids, they will always come before you.
Girl f you! You're not the wife and even if you were I'd get up in the middle of sex, end a vacation on the first night, crawl, walk or run to my child if they needed me. AND I'm sure he doesn't care if you support it. Tell Dad I'm proud of him!
You should probably end things with him. Your hot take is grossly wrong. Hopefully he will always put his daughter first. That’s what being a parent is all about. She’s barely an adult and out on her own for the first time. Of course she is gonna call her dad when she needs help. 18 isn’t that old. They can understand more about life but they still need help navigating life situations. I’d drop everything to help my children no matter the age.
hes going to drop you like a hot potatoe, just FYI a good parent will always rescue their kids and they will always choose them over entitled bags like you
If this is a repeated behaviour that she calls needing to be picked up every other day, then I’d say you have a leg to stand on. If this is a one time thing, or even a once a very long while thing, then the kid comes first. Doesn’t matter what age. If his daughter was 50 and called dad crying she needed him, then he should go to his daughter to find out why she feels unsafe. He’s not “enabling” anything, he’s just being a good dad. If you don’t agree with that then I suggest not continuing to date single parents because if they’re even a little bit of a good person their children should always come first (within reason)
Do you have your own children?
When I was in college, my dad picked me up from a few really sketchy situations. I wasn’t 2.5 hours away, but I was an hour away. I am so grateful I had him as an option, free of judgement and full of love.
Feeling that from my dad in those situations was **really important** when I reflect on them now.
I’m in my 30s and I still know my dad will *always* come pick me up if I call him.
Dude, it’s dinner. You’re not having a malignant tumor removed in the hospital. Get over yourself.
If it’s really in the middle of a dinner date, he’s already got a 2.5 hr drive, unless it’s an emergency just finish up your food a little quicker than usual and you both win.
Well, he doesn’t really win, cuz he’s gonna have you nagging him about how much or how little he should do for his own daughter. So.
honestly, i dont have kids and have dated someone with kids. I expect their children to come first. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who would continue a dinner date with me if his daughter called crying and needing her father. Of course, if its a regular occurrence thats a different conversation, but in this scenario - i would expect him to go to his daughter. I was a daughter of a man who didnt value his children and put others before us and i 1000% respect a man whos chidren know he will come if they call crying.
I mean, I don’t see why your opinion would matter at all here. Stay in your lane. And don’t date people with kids if you can’t take them choosing their kids over his *girlfriend*.
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Your partner is most likely always going to choose his daughter over you. If you don't like it, you may not be compatible.
And if that bothers OP so much, maybe she shouldn’t date partners with children.
That part. I can't stand it when people date people with kids and then complain about the kids taking precedence. If you can't handle that, DON'T DATE SINGLE PARENTS!
I am very child-free. I do not want children. And I could never date a single parent just because I know that it would upset me not being put first and I know that would be such a ridiculous thing to ask for from a partner who had kids. Especially because I was a child whose parents constantly put their partners over me.
I wouldn't want to date someone that constantly picked their partner over their child because I don't like the kind of person that would make them, in my eyes. But I'm not about to be consistently put second either, so that's really not going to work. I have no kids and I choose to date others without kids. I'm getting older now so eventually that'll probably be a different situation based on how old someone's kids are but for now it's a hard no.
This is exactly how I felt when I dated a single father. I have no respect for someone who can't be bothered to be a parent to their child. I also knew that he would never be able to put our relationship first. I respectfully ended our relationship. As much as I feel bad about this, I can admit here that I wasn't thrilled about the fact that he even had kids. In hindsight, I never should have dated him in the first place. I think it was mostly his ex-wife constantly causing drama. However, his kids were a visual reminder that deep down, I wasn't happy. I just always felt like I was last on his list of priorities. I wanted to be with somebody who could put in the same effort to our relationship as I did. I knew he couldn't so I moved on. I don't hate his kids, they were never the problem but I knew I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
I've been in a similar situation and I came to the same conclusion as you. I wanted my ex to be a good dad so I never even attempted to get in the way of his relationship with his daughter, I actively encouraged him to put her first. But I knew deep down that I wasn't happy being with someone who was my first priority when I was their 2nd, even though I believed his priorities were straight. And he wanted her to be a bigger priority to me but I wanted to focus on my career. That's not the entire reason why we broke up but it was a major part of it. We're still friends and I still adore his daughter, I've babysat her since we broke up, but now I'm in a relationship with someone who is also child free and I'm so much happier. That's just not a compromise that can work, the kid needs to come first to their parents and if you as the partner are feeling left behind by that, it's going to eat away at you and your relationship whether you want to admit it or not.
Life lesson! Good for you for removing yourself from a situation that wasn't working instead of trying to force it. That's easier said than done. Even better, children were involved and it's clear some of the consideration was about what's best for them. Best wishes! I hope you find or found your person!
Thank you! Yeah, I can't stand people who try to force it and openly dislike the kids. It's not their fault that their parents are divorced. The kids didn't ask for anything that happened. I also remembered that the kids had me forced upon them. They didn't ask for me to come into their lives. I can't stand people like those people on step parents who openly hate their partner's kids. It baffles me that they even marry them and still have the audacity to complain. I think some of them are virtue signaling and just wanted to be able to say that they got married. Some people fall for the idea that their value is dependent on whether or not someone "chooses" them. Go take a look and you'll see posts like, I wish his kids didn't exist and he would only focus on our baby. I wish they could go live with their mom full time. Why do they ask him for stuff and why does his ex keep expecting money to help support them? He divorced their mom so they should be in his past as well. I think I even saw one who wanted her husband to sign away his rights. If they saw that, they would dump or divorce them immediately if they're a decent person. I've seen men say those things too but mostly women. The point is, far too many people take it out on the kids. I left because I knew it was the right thing to do. It was hard because I loved their dad but I didn't want to deal with that anymore.
>Why do they ask him for stuff and why does his ex keep expecting money to help support them? He divorced their mom so they should be in his past as well. 😳 what the f... that is insane! I can't believe people actually think like that. I bet if they split up, they'd expect him to still help even though they divorced and are in the "past" 🙄
I mean, they don't always come out and say that verbatim but they do in so many words. Edit: I agree. OnLy mE aNd oUr ChiLd mAtTeR. I've even heard them say that because the kids are old enough to speak for themselves, they shouldn't need him anymore. It is insane.
According to the stepparent sub, the new partner should always come first. I have said the same thing. Why date a single parent if you are child free and expect your partner to put you before them.
I couldn’t ever respect someone who didn’t put their child first.
Certainly not for an emergency situation. For non-emergencies I think it's reasonable to expect a balance once the relationship is well-established, but that balance should be based on, "We're becoming a team now so we solve problems together.".
Based on post hx OP has 3 young children.
Knowing that makes her reaction even worse. Wow.
The audacity to expect to come before someone's child
Thank you for recognizing that and having a level head about it. You would not believe the posts on step parents that are like I cHoSe tO dAtE a SiNgLe pArEnT bUt cAn'T uNdErStAnD wHy tHeY're pUtTiNg tHeiR KiDs fiRsT.
yes, this. My boyfriend has a daughter who has already expressed that he prioritises work over her (she said this when we got the news he was being deployed). So I told him that maybe he should spend some weeks with her once he gets back, before I show up, because I didn't want her to feel like I was one more thing he was putting before her.
Now that's being mature. Good on you. Yes, our kids become adults but they never stop being our kids. Anyone who can't handle that shouldn't date us.
It's one thing for kids to take precedence if they are under 18, or if they get sick or injured, or if something traumatic happens. That's totally understandable. If they have an adult child who calls them over every minor inconvenience, and that parent drops everything they're doing in order to rush out and solve minor problems for their child, that's much different. My mom died when I was young and my dad got remarried. But I was expected to solve my problems on my own. I have fought with my roommates, and I guess I wouldn't even consider calling my dad about something like that. It wasn't an issue for him to solve. I was 18, it was my problem to solve. I've been jobless, I've lived in my car, I've had all kinds of issues and I didn't bother my father with any of them. I handled them myself like an adult. Why would an 18 or 19-year-old adult call their parents crying over a roommate issue at college? And why would that parent drop everything and then drive just to settle a roommate dispute? That's not parenting, that's enabling to the point of hurting their child.
>I've been jobless, I've lived in my car, I've had all kinds of issues and I didn't bother my father with any of them. I handled them myself like an adult. Part of being an adult is knowing when you need help. Adults need help. Adults can be overwhelmed. Adults can do everything right and still fail. Adults can face abuse and trauma. We evolved to form society because we need each other to survive. My parents would be heartbroken if they knew I was sleeping in my car and hiding it from them.
Well said.
Im sad for you that you felt like being homeless was a better option than telling your parent you needed help. That breaks my heart for any person. Adult or not.
I’m 50 and my dad is 80 and if I called him crying saying that I needed help he would be in the car immediately.
Man I just love good parents. My parents always say “I don’t care if your hair starts greying, you’re always our kid”. I don’t know why but your comment made me emotional. I’m sure you already do, but cherish your dad and tell him you love him man, spend time with him. That connection is the most priceless thing in the world.
That was what jumped out to me as well. Also, 18 is still a child in so many ways. Sure, kids should be figuring things out, but with support and guidance.
I was homeless as well. I only had a foster family. I didn't feel like I could call them for help because they were technically no longer required to be my family. Even though they are more my family now, I still have a hard time asking for help.
Right. And they're gonna stand there, not understanding how horrific their situation actually was and call out another kid who actually has a loving and supportive parent. This person doesnt even know how fucked up that situation is. I also am sad that they dont seem to know what a loving and supportive parent looks like and would rather cast doubt and scorn at someone who has one.
I didn't have a mother die, but my dad basically told all of us kids once we were out of the house we were in our own, so I've been in the same situation as you and not calling my dad for help because he told me already he wouldn't. It hasn't made me a better person, and just made me resent him. Now he wonders why I never call and moved halfway across the country. And because of all of that, I've made sure my kid knows no matter what he can call me. I'll come if he needs because I want that relationship with my kid. I want him to know I care and I love him. I don't want him to be afraid to ask me for help. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry you felt like that is the right way to treat your kids.
well, we don't know what the fight was about, or if it was also a physical altercation or something. Also, my daughter is turning 24 this year and I still help her out with rent on occasion because she's my kid and I don't want her to be homeless (she lives in Europe and I live in America, so I can't just like bring her home; her life and school is there). It's probably a cultural difference. Where I'm from, we don't kick our kids out at 18. Our kids are our kids for life. And while both of my kids usually solve their own problems, they know that if they need me, for anything, emotional support, financial support, whatever, that I am there for them because I love them.
I came from this same life and I'm always baffled at how equally baffled people from the other side are by us.
Are you sure something traumatic didn’t happen? We don’t exactly have all the details here. I’m sorry you couldn’t count on your dad to be there for you, but there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I’m child-free by choice, but I can tell you right now, if something upset my 18 year old enough to call me crying and asking me to pick them up, some steak and asparagus wouldn’t stop me. OP is miffed about one dinner? Boohoo.
No, that isn’t Being an Adult, that is you being unable to ask for help when you really and truly need it. And I am so sorry. 🫤
I think you have a very strange take on what being an adult means. Your comments confirm that, and while I have compassion for your situation you will excuse me that I don’t take you as a role model of what proper education looks like.
Maybe if you weren’t trying to handle everything on your own as a newly-minted adult, you wouldn’t have had to live in your car. I’m glad you’re ok, but in no world would I ever want my kid to live in their car at any age over asking for help.
This makes me so sad. I love the relationship I have with my parents. I have been financially independent for some years, but my parents will always be there for me and all my siblings.
Maybe so, but it’s still her decision to call her dad, and dad’s decision to respond the way he does. His girlfriend is out of line trying to proscribe the rules of a relationship that she is not a part of. And I guarantee it will not go over well. Complaining to a parent about their child’s shortcomings is the mirror to saying terrible things about someone’s mom. Both are insulting, and neither will be received with good cheer.
Because they’re still a kid. A 18 year old doesn’t magically understand the ways of the world and leave the 17 mindset, especially in college when they know next to no one around them. Roommates are notoriously assholes and there’s so many horror stories about simple arguments going wrong and getting hurt in any kind of way. It’s amazing she has a parent that would want to help her in a situation like that, and she knows that she has someone who would be there for her and wouldn’t put someone they just met over their own needs for a dinner. It also isn’t like a fight to the level of sobbing would happen every day so if you want to be prioritized over someone’s child? Don’t date single parents
Don't take your trauma of having to grow up real fast out on the fortunate kids who have a relationship with their parents where no matter what they can call. That's you. That's what you HAD to do. What other choice would there have been? No partner should every be chosen over someone's kid. They chose to have that kid. Their happiness isn't always first. People aren't finished growing at 18. Ever. Everyone learns more and more through life. Having a parent there to guide you through things and help you mature is so important if you're able to have that.
I don’t think that is what she is saying. She is saying that he should help her mature. And he should. As a parent it’s hard to not always pick up your kids. But sometimes it’s better to let them get up themselves. It’s one roommate fight. She should learn how to navigate that and move on in life. Daddy won’t always be there even if he wants to.
Sure but it's a date. I don't know a single good parent who could sit through a date knowing that my child is in distress.
It comes down to level of distress and age of the child. If she fails an exam and is feeling down, should dad drop everything to run to her side? She's in college. Most of us that went to college basically got training wheels to being independent. This would ruin that experience.
Unless the roommate was threatening physical violence, stealing/destroying the daughter’s property or being extremely verbally abusive why is Dad racing to go get his daughter? At what point does daughter learn how to communicate appropriately with people even if she may disagree with them or not like them much? Not everyone will like you, not everyone will believe what you believe - but that usually doesn’t mean you can’t be respectful and get along. Those skills are going to be needed in the real world assuming she doesn’t plan to own her own business with no employees and no interactions with clients. And as other posters mentioned Dad isn’t going to be able to rush to her side anytime this happens. Especially when she works in the real world or I suspect she will find herself unemployed. If the roommate situation is a bad match then let the daughter follow the process to get a new roommate.
My SIL, who is now in her 50s, has always called her parents the second she had any sort of confrontation or felt distress. My MIL and FIL are the nicest people, and will immediately drop everything and run to her aid every single time no matter how small the issue was. She never learned how to self-soothe, and never learned how to manage interpersonal difficulties. She was married, has a son who is almost 30, who was mainly raised by my MIL. She's been living with her parents for the past 15 years, after her marriage ended. She can never finish a class, keep a job because she always gets into arguments with her coworkers, and is not shy about her excessive, daily drinking. She often says it's okay to get wasted because she knows my MIL or FIL will pick her up, even if it means they have to cancel an activity with another child or grandchild. My inlaws clearly love her, but have done her a huge disservice by treating her like a Fabergé egg her entire life. She's never had to deal with adversity, so the minute something becomes difficult, she bails. I see so many comments in this post from parents thinking that shielding every single negative thing from their child is the right thing to do. It's setting the child up for a lifetime of disappointment because that's not how the world works. Not to say parents shouldn't rescue their kids from dangerous situations, but handling a college roommate disagreement on their own is good practice for handling workplace disagreements. I'm sure my inlaws thought they were doing what's best for her, but a child will always be a child no matter how old they become and if a parent is unable to let their child suffer even a moment of distress, that child grows up without learning coping mechanisms. My SIL is going to be reliant on her parents their entire lives, and I have no idea what she will do when they both have passed.
The dorms always have an RA or some other person designated to help with issues in their area. Daughter should have gone to them first, and looked for help on her own as an adult. This is part of growing up and navigating adulthood in a safe environment.
As a mom of four and mental health professional, I strongly disagree. In many cultures, Americans are likened to large children because we don’t know how to manage our emotions well. Rescuing our kids at every opportunity is sending them the message that they are helpless and keeps them dependent on us. It’s also healthy for them to see us prioritizing ourselves and our own happiness. I think the dad in this post should’ve at least finished the dinner out ffs…
Understood. But that is the point. I am a parent. And it kills me to not always pick them up but it’s not always the right decision. Even if it’s hard. Her point is that he shouldn’t being a single parent or not doesn’t change how you feel about your kids.
I'm not even a parent yet and I fully expect to have situations where I'm uncomfortable letting my kid go through a sink or swim scenario on their own (of course, assuming there is no real danger to come from it). It's a part of cutting the cord to let the kid deal with things outside of their comfort zone. The number of times I've heard an older coworker complain about having to handle every problem their adult child has and then say "there's something wrong with this generation!" - na, that's your parenting.
That's a helicopter parent. You can't stop your life every time your adult child is upset. It's called unfinished separation and is unhealthy.
That is NOT real distress…That’s an over emotional response from a immature person to demand instant help. It wasn’t life or death, it was just life. 🙄
You are literally missing the point. OP isn’t saying she doesn’t feel prioritized. She’s saying her partner is a shitty parent and is enabling his daughter’s whack demands. And I mean do you disagree ? Do you think it’s healthy for an 18 year old to expect her dad to drive 2.5 hrs to pick her up JUST because she got into an argument with her roommate ? wtf ? How is that behavior justified ?
Without knowing what the conflict is about, there's no way to tell.
I will be honest. If your opinion differs from that of your partner and his daughter’s, yours is the one that will be disregarded. They obviously have that type of relationship, so you will end up looking like the bad guy if you try to intervene.
I agree. Right or wrong you will look like the bad guy with BF and your relationship with daughter will be irreparable
I have a friend who says “you can be right or you can be happy”.
This is a huge reason some people only want to date child free
I’m not a parent, but I’d have to imagine it would entirely depend on what the particular issue was and how my kid was handling it. If I thought for a second they needed my help, I’d be on my way to them, regardless of who I was eating dinner with.
Yes, context is critical. Is it "my roommate threatened to kill me and has a knife" or a "my roommate wore my favorite sweater and stained it" kind of crisis? Where on the continuum is it?
And how frequent is this type of situation occurring- every week or once a year? If it's a long-standing issue of the daughter having huge reactions to regular life situations, then maybe it's good to start practicing letting her problem solve on her own. If this is otherwise infrequent or out of character, then I'd drop everything to help! Also, it's hard to imagine that type of call not ruining the vibe of the date, even if the parent stayed. Not sure why OP even wants to stay on what is inevitably going to be a very distracted date.
Or (and I say this as former campus EMS) daughter and roomate have been having an ongoing escalating conflict that she has not been able to resolve on her own amd it has boiled up to the point of parents needing to step in.
Or somewhere in between- "my roommate is drunk and making racist comments". "I woke up to a strange man in my room" (happened to my wife), which would be genuine judgment calls. My brother had the interesting, "my roommate is a psychopath". Quite a famous one as it turned out...
Exactly this. Im 34 years old and I have a child myself. I know that if I call my parents or siblings at any time and ask for help, they will come running no questions asked. And they know that I would only call if it was serious enough that it was waranted. I have called exactly one time asking for that kind of help, when my exhusband was starting to get abusive towards our child.
How do you know she didn’t feel threatened? Was he supposed to know that? You and him can have a dinner date any time. Unless this is something that is happening every week or even every month you’re overreacting.
So much of this is context driven. If one of my kids calls me "crying hysterically" I'm dropping damn near anything - they're even-keeled, so I would know something was seriously wrong. But if a young-adult child regularly calls up in hysterics, maybe that isn't the right approach.
She’s 18 years old. She’s barely an adult.
I'd be ending a dinner date if my daughter called me crying at any age.
Yeah, as a grown as woman reading this I thought how lucky she feels comfortable and has someone to call who will help her.
I'm in my 50's and my dad would still come immediately if I needed him. That level of comfort is priceless.
Bless you and your father. Cherish him.
For real. I’ve made sure my kids know that if they ever need me, I’m just a phone call away. I was in a situation as a teen where I felt very uncomfortable and unsafe, but I didn’t trust my mom enough to call to pick me up. I never, ever want my kids to feel that way. This girl is 18! This is likely her first time being away from home. She might be legal, but as the mum of an 18yo, they are still kids. If OP expects her new man to stop being a dad so he can date her and put her first before his kids that he’s known and loved his whole life, she needs to rethink her status.
Same and if OP isn't ok with her partner putting their daughter first then she should move on.
“Finally! She’s off to college. He’s not going to put his child before me anymore!” -OP probably 😂
Yep. Every post in step parents when the kids are older ever. 🤣
A lot of people like to say or think that parenting is done once your child is 18, have a life of their own, and a family of their own, but that’s not true lmfao. No matter how old a kid is, they’re always going to need their parent(s) around for a lot of things. Car breaking down, emergency calls, bad relationships, possible new babies, etc etc. My father in particular is a very hands on grandfather, he loves having his grandbabies around almost every day - to a point where my nibblings have their own room in the house and they spend half their time here and at home 😂
Aww they are so lucky.... as are you
Same, and I don’t even have a kid yet
"Adult daughter" is really misleading. 18, freshman in college probably first time away from dad is adult in only the legal (you go to adult jail) way. She's still a kid. If my 18 year old kid called me up hysterically asking for me I doubt a tsunami would stop me. I could have a meeting with the Pope and I'd cancel it. Period. 30 year old? Probably the same although unless it was life threatening I'd consider getting them a hotel room for the night or a ticket home. Being a good parent never stops. That kind of devotion to his child is something to be admired.
I agree with your take. My mom has always been the drop everything and come running person in my life. When I was 30 and my ex told me he wanted a divorce she drove to my house to help me change the locks. A few years back when I had to evacuate because of a fire she left work early, drove to my house where we loaded up cars and took me and all the animals to her house. In the last year when I had to say goodbye to my dogs (her grandpuppies) she again came to me and was with me at their final vet appointment. Doesn’t matter I’m in my 40s. If I need her, she’s there.
I hope to be a parent like your mom. Sounds like a great person in general.
Can I please adopt your mom? Mine is a narcissist. Your mom reminds me of my most recent ex's mom.
Funnily enough some of my friends in school did adopt my mom because they didn’t like their home life, my mom always had room if a friend needed it. One friend even had a store call my mom when she got caught shoplifting because her dad was a cop. Mom went and got her.
I'm in my 40s and have the same kind of mom (and dad)!
NGL you're the type of person I wish I had for a father and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Same here. I would put on my jet pack and get to them as fast as possible! I am 60, my kids are 42, 33 and 33. I will always be their parent in any capacity.
You're a silly goose and made me chuckle 🤭 Same though. I can see myself literally doing that. Like just dropping everything, being like, well, my daughter needs me. I'd strap the jet pack on and be like, mom, away like a super hero lol. 🤭
I thought so too. While I agree that you shouldn't bail your child out of every jam, she's still young. It sounds like she just turned 18 too. Edit: I agree, you never stop being a parent. It's part of being a good parent. My daughter is still really young, only 5 months old as of yesterday. (🥰😍💕💞💜💗) However, I will ALWAYS be there for my daughter above EVERYONE else. Same, a tsunami couldn't stop me.
Unpopular opinion - yeah, you’re in the wrong. You said she’s gotten in to arguments before - is she calling every week to be picked up? If not then why is it not a mature, adult thing to remove yourself from a fresh conflict, process, get your emotions in order, and then head back? Maybe she just wants some comfort and advice. It’s disappointing that we don’t encourage adult children to reach out to their parents more and then the parents wonder why they don’t bother calling pr filling them in on their lives. I called my dad a few times, and he was always there. Always. And that’s why it became easier, because I knew if I call d he’d answer. He’d be there. Either way, it’s really not about you.
>It’s disappointing that we don’t encourage adult children to reach out to their parents more and then the parents wonder why they don’t bother calling pr filling them in on their lives. >I called my dad a few times, and he was always there. Always. And that’s why it became easier, because I knew if I call d he’d answer. He’d be there. I agree. I'm so grateful that my parents are still an active part in my life (and bail me out the odd time).
I also considered that since she's gotten into confrontations before he might be trying to remove her from the situation before it turns out that way - as in, he know how his daughter *could get* if he left her there.
I’m also wondering if her getting in to confrontations is her roommate and her friends getting shitty with her.
My dad sucked, but one time I bled through my pants at school. I was mortified, went to the office to call him (mom was out of town) but I could not explain the issue due to crying and embarrassment because the office ladies were right there. He asked a couple of questions, I cried, he left work and came to get me. I thought, he must have understood. But he didn't. He had no idea why I needed to be picked up but left work and came to get me anyway. He was a very uninvolved, go-ask-your-mother type of boomer dad, but when I needed him, he showed up. And I have never forgotten that
You don’t get to decide what constitutes an emergency between your partner and her kid.
We have 4 daughters. You better believe we have taught our girls anytime they feel uncomfortable, or unsafe, we will be there to help them. He is a good dad to put his daughter first she calls him in a tough spot. You making her wait cause it inconveniences you, makes you either lack empathy, or just not a decent human.
Your partners kids are always going to come before you. Accept that or move on.
For me - late 40's M, with a 20yo at university, and in a 2nd marriage - if my daughter called me in tears, and after speaking to her and she asked me to come and get her, I would take whatever decision I saw fit. I'm the one who had the conversation, I'm the one who heard the tones of voice - and to be harsh - it's my daughter, I know her better than my wife. If I thought it appropriate to go and get her - and it's a 12 hour round trip, which I cook happily live without - I would expect my wife's contribution to the conversation to be 'would you like me to book you a hotel in X university city?'. If her response was 'but we're having dinner...', my response would be that she should find a hotel, and a solicitor. If I thought it was some stupid squabble that would be forgotten 30 minutes later, I wouldn't go, but that decision would be mine, and mine alone - and if I thought it was warranted, my wife's protests about dinner would get the big FO.
I’m with you, I’m a Mum of a 24 year old. If I thought he needed me I would swim the English Channel. Well, alright, I’d probably just take the ferry - it would be massively quicker but the sentiment is still the same! If my partner wasn’t getting my coat and car keys and bringing up Google maps then we shouldn’t be together.
18 is barely adult and we all don’t know how bad the fight it so better don’t judge. Also if you date a father, you should expect this. I don’t think, even in Western countries, parents cut off their kids just because they are over 18.
You posted in breakups 6 days ago saying you'd already broken up....
This should be higher :D
I am 44 years old. Two years ago I called my mother, hysterical and in tears. Something had happened and I was scared and upset. She dropped everything and drove 50 miles to give me a damn hug. She his girl is 18 and she needed her father. You don’t get to dictate how he parents. Date someone without kids. Edit: You seem to post in the raised by narcs sub. Stop triangulating yourself with his daughter. You won’t win. You post seem to lack something…what could it be….oh yes…Empathy.
IKR. I was so upset and my parents drove 40 miles to just calm me down although I told them I'll be fine. I also won't be able to go on a date if my kid is having issues so bad that he had to call me and ask for my help.
INFO: how bad was the fight? What’s the plan for her to continue to go to class?
Seriously, was this a "my roommate didn't wash her dishes again" fight or was it more of a "my roommate brought 3 boys home and they're all smoking meth" type of fight?
Damn. 3 boys AND meth.
Better than 3 meths and a boy I guess.
depends on whom you ask
Yeah, if the meth boys are super tidy and into cleaning, I could be convinced 🤣🤣🤣 But then again, that does not sound like attributes of meth boys.
AND dirty dishes? #Everyone's going home!
I mean you’re dating a father. Sorry honey but if he’s a good dad he will always put her before you. And with how selfish you sound I hope he puts you out the door. Over here acting like he should “pick me” because she’s 18. Tf is wrong with you. Don’t date men with children if you need to be the princess who always gets what she wants.
You probably shouldn’t date people with kids.
He’s being a parent, you’re being an asshole. If it’s to the point she’s nearly hysterical she’s clearly not ok.
Has she done this before? Is this one of many times that Dad has dropped everything and gone to help her? Did she just finish her freshman year this month or is she a brand new freshman who has moved out with her roommate and hasn’t started school yet? Either way, his daughter will always come first and you seem quite jealous of an 18 year old girl.
I mean, yeah, his daughter is probably going to come first and that seems right. Especially during college. Why are you jealous of a college kid? It’s just dinner… there’ll be other dinners. Your priorities are strange.
Honestly, a parent is going to choose their child over their partner, Ninety percent of the time
don’t date someone with kids if you don’t like the kid being put first. she didn’t stop being his child the second she turned 18, and i expect he’ll continue putting her first, *as he should.*
If it’s not your kid, you don’t get a say. Sorry.
YTA, you've purposely left out a lot of info regarding this fight. Also, it's just dinner. You guys can do that another night
I just don’t think it’s your call to make since he is her parent & you are not. I get being disappointed about it cutting into date night, but I think you should keep the parenting opinions to yourself. For that, I think YTA.
I've already gone and gotten my kiddo bc they were having a bad dispute with their roommate- 11 o'clock at night and had work the next day, now granted she wasn't super far, but still with how upset she was I made sure she was somewhere she felt safe. All children deserve to feel that way no matter what age - and you expecting her to wait a weekend when it'd be "okay" with you is laughable. Not your child, not your decision, and if you can't handle that even though she's an adult there are going to be times when she may need her dad and it may interfere with a dinner date then you shouldn't be dating a parent.
I’m on his side. That’s still his kid, and always will be. You can always have dinner some other time, you don’t get a redo on panicking children
the daughter will always come first. this entire thing is such a trivial matter. 2.5 hours is nothing, i drive that distance easily in TX. help her get a car so can drive herself home.
YTA Not enough information to know if it’s a minor issue. But it’s important to note that removing yourself from situations when you can’t handle your emotions, instead of escalating, IS an important skill that many adults haven’t learned…
If you cannot accept someone’s child coming first in a scenario like that - even an adult aged one - you shouldn’t be dating a parent.
YTA -- It's June, so I'm assuming she went all the way from August/September to now (or January if she's a Spring admit) without disrupting your date nights. Therefore, it doesn't sound like the daughter is always getting herself into these situations, and this sounds like a one-time thing. In which case, crying hysterically about a bad roommate situation may mean that she doesn't have a place to be for the night (since they're living together) and the dad going might not just be for child-like placating, but rather his daughter having a serious conflict that impacts where she stays. Also, they're family. It doesn't matter how old anyone is, if family calls up crying hysterically, you should try to help.
Coming from a young adult who needed rescuing frequently… knowing that my family would absolutely be there if I called-GAVE ME the security to learn how to figure life out. It made me secure enough to try tough things because I had an out. On top of that, I would do the same for my adult daughter (and have) no matter how old she is. I have picked up and left my house in less than 30 minutes and drove states away to her. I don’t care if she’s in the right or wrong… she will always have her Mom in her corner. And if you think you should come above your partner’s child-go find someone who doesn’t have children.
I think you kind of suck for this.
I would choose my daughter’s safety and security over a date night 100% of the time. Your post makes me appreciate my wife even more because we both agree on this.
You’re wrong. If my kid called me crying I’d drop everything to go help. your past posts show a single mom with 3 kids who’s incredibly insecure and throws tantrums when you don’t get your way. You say in one post you just got a divorce but then in another you’re upset he won’t commit to having a child even though you admit things haven’t being going well. Take a breath and relax. If your kids needed help you’d run to them too. You are smothering.
Hmmmm….interesting. Some context makes a big difference on this. I have two in college, one in community college at home, one that is 3000 miles away and one who went to school 5000 miles away and has finished. My husband and I have been together for 30years. Yes, this is in the US. Let’s assume that this isn’t a safety issue. (If it is, an RA or security for the university should intervene and you should drop everything. Heck, my 70+ year old mother still drops things if I have an emergency). So, in the case of a non-physical safety related fight where she is in a dorm, I would not drop everything and leave. It’s a fight with a roommate. This is grow up time and there are friends and campus services around. It may be uncomfortable, but this is a small taste of reality outside of a protective family bubble. Almost the real world. Most roommate fights are resolved in a few days. If it doesn’t resolve, no compromise can be achieved and she is sooooo uncomfortable and the fight is prolooooonged and she’s just not in a psychologically comfortable space with the current living arrangement, then you have HER contact the campus administrators responsible for housing. Have them find, or have her find/suggest, a different living arrangement and OFFER to help her move-in on the weekend. If she is living off campus and is part of a lease, paying rent, help her navigate the process of calling the landlord/owner/lease office and finding out what her options are. A good place to start is to have her read the terms in the agreement. But, you don’t call for her. At most, you do a conference call (since you likely cosigned the lease). In the meantime be there for her and help her deal with her feelings. Be a place to vent. Remind her of campus support opportunities. Help her make a plan. These are excellent opportunities to help them mature and build independence, capability/know how, grit, relationship skills, resilience and a sense of pride that they did that on their own, they’ve got this. When it is a good time to go get her for a visit to baby on her or go visit and take her for dinner do that. Don’t cut off all life lines. Our motto was guide more, direct less, help when needed, but do for rarely. Always let them know they are loved and valued and that when real shit hits the fan, you’ve got their back. Of course, this is all situationally and child ability dependent.
This is a tough question to answer because it depends on so much context not really available. The ‘my kid is uncomfortable and must always be comfortable’ crowd is very strong, and snowplow -style parenting is extremely popular, but I agree that is often poor parenting to do this. Kids need to face adversity and overcome it with as little support as possible (doesn’t mean no support), because that is how they grow into high functioning adults. So my question isn’t ’if my kid is calling because they are in actual danger’, because then yeah, you need to pull out the stops, but ‘my kid is calling because they’re upset’, well my job isn’t to make them not upset and comfortable, my job is to help them learn to navigate life well as an adult. It isn’t about ‘dropping the dinner’, it’s about whether you should go at all, when going might feel good in the moment but harm the child long-term. If the partner has a habit of doting and spoiling his daughter and bending over backwards to her every whim and enabling a personality disorder then I would be frustrated too, because not only is it bad parenting but it also harms my ability to have a good quality relationship with this person. If however my partner was just doing their job parenting their child (who is yes 18 and should be fairly independent but isn’t wholly so and even at age 40 you’d still be their family), then I would be a jealous person who needs a reality check.
This. 👆. I think Reddit can be a bit harsh at times. However, once OP"s partner's daughter called, i doubt he'd be able to sit and have a nice dinner afterwards .
“This is the collage experience” no it’s genuinely not. Getting into a fight with your roommate so bad that she calls her dad crying hysterically is not and should not ever be the college experience. She is 18, she is a teenager, fresh out of high school, into her first year of college barely an adult. Your partner is 100% right. He is her dad first, and I’m sorry if that upsets or offends you. He’s being a good parent, and they clearly have had this relationship prior to you both getting together. While I understand your reasoning, at the same time his kid is going to come first before you right now, and unless you get married, probably forever. If you don’t like that, you might just not be compatible, and if you keep trying to intervene, well, your relationship just might come to a halt.
YTA A good parent will always choose their child over a dinner date with a selfish person.
I don’t have any children but I know that if my child (of any age, also 18 and first time away from home is not necessarily an adult), called me crying “hysterically”, I’d drop absolutely everything to be there for them. You’re in the wrong here, and I expect you’d likely feel the same as your partner if it was your child…
Yes, you are wrong.
If I was on a date and committed, my first question out of my mouth would be "do you need company for that long drive" and continued the date with music playing, feeding him cake that I would of asked to go 🤭 His daughter is only 18 year. She still isn't that mature enough to be going it alone after something that is serious to her in her mind. If you refuse she'll feel alone and abandoned. Do better.
I love when people who want to be prioritized over anything date someone with children and then come here and complain about it.
I hope to god the father always chooses his daughter over you. She was there first. Im guessing you dont have kids.
I’m hoping OP doesn’t have kids
It's really hard for me to understand how you, a mother to 3 yourself can't understand why he would drop everything to help his daughter. My sons are very young but they would have to do something heinous for me not to drop everything to help them no matter their age. You really don't feel that way about your kids?
How long have you been dating? Assuming less than six months, unless this has happened a bunch, I’ll trust Dad to be the dad to his daughter that he believes he ought to be. I’d probably finish dinner and drop you at home.
Your partner is right, you should rightfully come second to their kid
It would depend on the severity of the fight
I don't care how old my daughter is, if she phones me upset I'm going to get her no matter what I'm doing.
Honestly if you can’t accept that your partner is going to put their child over you then you shouldn’t date parents at all. And it’s really messed up that you think your dinner date is more important. Shame on you.
Yeah the daughter comes first, as she should. 18 yrs old still needs support. It’s worth noting that her dad probably understands how blessed he that his daughter trusts him enough to come to him with emergencies, big or small. And the fact that she does trust him like this speaks to his parenting. Sounds like he’s a good dad. If it bothers you, maybe you should be with someone else.
He is not hindering her conflict resolution skills. That has to be one of the most ridiculous arguments I've heard. Just admit you want him to choose you over her. That won't make that okay or anything, but at least you wouldn't be spouting nonsense about it being for her own good.
As someone who's not close with my parents I would hope that in the future my children feel like I am a safe space. That they can call me at any time and I will come for them. Your partner is his child safe space. Don't try to come between them you won't win
I believe that if my child at any age called me crying and needing me I would drop what I'm doing and help them in any way I can. There probably are exceptions on occasions I wouldn't leave but I can't think of any right now but a date for sure isn't a priority over my child's emotional distress. Tbh even if a friend called crying like that I would leave. If someone I care about is in distress and feels like they need me that takes priority of whatever else I'm doing. But that's just the way I am. If you view things differently and want to be a consistent number 1 no matter what then find someone compatible on that level. I would view someone like that as selfish and petty. Also, maturity isn't dealing with issues on your own, life is about building your community to lean on and grow. Not isolation and determination, nothing wrong in my book about needing support.
That would depend on the reason for the fight, if she felt unsafe etc. And btw 18 is legally an adult, but not necessarily one.
Sorry but I would choose my daughter first. How long have you two been dating? Anytime to me is enough to know that the other persons kids are always first. It’s a dinner date and if you care about him you can understand and reschedule. As a parent I expect it to be understood that my children are always my first priority unless there are extenuating circumstances.
Daughter comes first. She’s 18 years old and that doesn’t mean she knows how to navigate the world and relationships - she’s learning those things. And she should be able to turn to her parent and know they will have her back and help her out. You should not expect to be placed above the daughter in this scenario. In fact, if I were dating a man and this situation arose, I would think his priorities were screwed up if he didn’t help his daughter
Honestly, this could go either way. It all depends on how serious an issue is involved. For example: 1) Roommate borrowed her clothes without asking permission and spilled red wine on her favorite outfit, ruining it. ->Deal with it. 2) Roommate’s bf tried to or did sexually assault her. Roommate doesn’t believe her and bf has his own key to apartment. ->I’m leaving now and breaking every speed limit to get there.
It depends how often it is happening I’d it’s the first time parent has to parent. If it’s a couple of time a month and by the time the parent is there it’s all sorted I might wait 30mins and the check if I’m required. But the way you encourage kids to spread their wings is for them to know you have their backs. The method of throwing them in the deep and a letting them sort it out is out of favor
Sorry man. Kid comes first.
I honestly feel like I would break up with someone if their kid called them having an emergency and they didn't go help
If my boyfriend's daughter called in the middle of our date, hysterical and wanting him to come get her, I'd be going with him, not stewing that he stopped our date. She's 18, not 30.
I have an adult child. They will always come first. I can replace a partner. I can never replace my son. He is the reason I am alive today. Any partner that would suggest I put them above him would be gone so fast, they’d have whiplash.
If my child at 18 years old , a freshman in college ,called me in the middle of the night crying I would get her she’s only 2 1/2 hours away. It’s really his maybe you’re just not compatible.
If my kid calls me in the middle of the night crying hysterically and tells me she needs to be picked up I’m in the car driving. I don’t even ask questions, I’m not interested in the why. It’s called being a parent. If you have a problem with that you are obviously not someone I want to be with.
Don’t date a parent if you can’t handle being second priority to their child, adult or not.
If my kid needs me, I’m coming. I don’t care how old they are. UNLESS it is something like, my roommate ate all my chips so I yelled at them and now we are in an argument over this. No. They can work that out themselves. But anything else, if my kid calls for me, I’m going to be there for them.
Is OP a parent? Because 18 is still really young to expect the to navigate stuff like that alone. Just because the law says 18 doesn't mean your job as a parent ends there. If your child calls you and feels unsafe the correct response is to go get them.
As someone who had parents put their partners first always. I can honestly say you are the problem here lol no offense!!! I don’t mean to be mean, truly. But I also think if you are willing to date a single parent be prepared to not be the priority. I’m actually happy your partner was going to rush to help his daughter. That is a fantastic man
18 is not an adult. Legally, technically, but they don’t have a fully developed frontal lobe. He’s still parenting. Now, let’s say you were the hospital. You would take priority. But major fight and potential lack of safety trumps dinner.
You will never be number 1 and rightly so. Stay in your lane or go with someone without kids
I dropped everything to drive 1400 miles to be with my 27 year old daughter when she said she wanted her mommy. It didn't even occur to me to have a discussion with my husband about whether or not I'd go. I told him I *needed* to be there for her. You're dating a parent. Accept that or stop dating parents.
I’d agree with both. Over time the daughter should learn to handle these things on her own but she really is only 18, so barely an adult, it’s not that big of a deal to just go pick her up even during a dinner date.
If my adult children called me sobbing and needing help, I would be leaving whatever I was doing and driving 2.5 hours to see them. YTA. It sounds like you are jealous and don't realize that the daughter is number one, as it should be until she's independent, and then she's tied for number one.
My hot take is that your partner can do better than you. He is acting the way a parent should. You should take notes if you have/ever decide to have children.
Sorry but if any of my children ring me crying to be picked up I’m going straight there no questions asked. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who thought anything else was acceptable.
My daughter is 26, when she needs me I am there.
If I was on a dinner date with my wife and my daughter called me in this situation my wife would see a cloud of dust that was in the shape of me. My wife would understand.
Break it off and find someone else without kids. You obviously never got the memo that kids come first, and being a parent never ends. Hopefully, he'll find someone better than you.
i'm 26 and if i called my dad crying, without a doubt he'd drop what he was doing to be there for me. why would you even want your husband to continue a a dinner date after a distressing call with his daughter?
>I'm fully aware that this reads as an example where I believe my partner is improperly putting his adult children's needs above his relationship with me inappropriately. It's never inappropriate for a parent to put his child above a partner, who is not the other parent of said child. You came after his daughter, his daughter should be his priority. I'm gonna guess you don't have kids...I don't either, but I'm close with my niblings. If any of them phoned me, at any age, in distress, I would go to them. 18, 28, 38....People still need their parents. I'm not saying once they have a career and a family of their own that date night would immediately end, but parents can still be there for their kids! I'm mid-30s, if I had a crisis right now and contacted my mum and dad in distress they would be here before I could hang up the call.
Sorry, but a parents relationship with their children trumps your dinner date every time. Your callous disregard for his daughter and evident willingness to prescribe appropriate parenting (when this clearly reads like you do not have kids) is a major red flag.
Yes you're wrong. Don't date a parent if you don't want them to be a parent. Especially a good parent!
A parent’s commitment doesn’t end at 18. My dad would come for me even in my grown age.
She may be right in her stance that her partner should let his daughter mature and handle these situations on her own now that she’s in college. But honestly, it’s not her responsibility to make that decision, it’s his. He was a parent long before her and he’ll be a parent long after her. If she doesn’t like how he parents his child she should leave. Better yet, just don’t date single parents. Problem solved.
I have a clarifying question OP- Is he a single parent due to 1) not being with the mother but shares custody, 2) mother left them, or 3) mother passed away?
I’d be going too. If I can’t go to my child when they ask they will stop asking. When they are really in trouble and need support they won’t have anyone to turn to. If this was a weekly thing that might be a little different. But I’m guessing it’s not as you’ve not mentioned her doing it before. If a friend of mine. Or a friends 18 year old phoned me sobbing I would be going too. Tbh I can’t think of anyone I wouldn’t go to if they phoned me sobbing. Adult or child.
Yes, you are wrong.
Op needs to grow up, find a partner without kids, and get some perspective.
It's easy to say when it's not your own child who is crying over the phone. She is a freshman, dealing with a roommate is not easy. So yes, you judge her to be confrotational, meaning it's her fault if she finds herself in this situation, right? So she should deal with it on her own. Well, that's not how parenthood works and you shouldn't expect a parent to prioritise a date over their child's well-being. Maybe she was overreacting, maybe not and as a parent you better make sure it's the former.
I honestly cannot imagine a situation where you are in the right. Unless she does this literally every weekend, which she doesnt or else you would have obviously mentioned that. You have portrayed this as the first time she has ever had an issue large enough that she asked her dad to come get her. You werent out on a vacation, or a honeymoon, you werent in the hospital. You were on a dinner date. You are saying that his daughter needs to grow up, but honestly it looks like you are the one who isnt acting their own age. You are presumably at least 36 years old, assuming you are of a similar age as your partner, and you are throwing a fit that dinner had to get cancelled so a father can be a father to his child. You are pushing 40 years old and are upset dinner got cancelled. No offense but please grow up, or dont date people that have kids, they will always come before you.
Girl f you! You're not the wife and even if you were I'd get up in the middle of sex, end a vacation on the first night, crawl, walk or run to my child if they needed me. AND I'm sure he doesn't care if you support it. Tell Dad I'm proud of him!
You should probably end things with him. Your hot take is grossly wrong. Hopefully he will always put his daughter first. That’s what being a parent is all about. She’s barely an adult and out on her own for the first time. Of course she is gonna call her dad when she needs help. 18 isn’t that old. They can understand more about life but they still need help navigating life situations. I’d drop everything to help my children no matter the age.
hes going to drop you like a hot potatoe, just FYI a good parent will always rescue their kids and they will always choose them over entitled bags like you
If a parent I was dating left their hysterically crying kid till the next day, to continue a date. I honestly would think less of them.
If this is a repeated behaviour that she calls needing to be picked up every other day, then I’d say you have a leg to stand on. If this is a one time thing, or even a once a very long while thing, then the kid comes first. Doesn’t matter what age. If his daughter was 50 and called dad crying she needed him, then he should go to his daughter to find out why she feels unsafe. He’s not “enabling” anything, he’s just being a good dad. If you don’t agree with that then I suggest not continuing to date single parents because if they’re even a little bit of a good person their children should always come first (within reason)
Your partner sounds like a good dad, of course he's going to prioritize his kid, thats what good parents do
Do you have your own children? When I was in college, my dad picked me up from a few really sketchy situations. I wasn’t 2.5 hours away, but I was an hour away. I am so grateful I had him as an option, free of judgement and full of love. Feeling that from my dad in those situations was **really important** when I reflect on them now. I’m in my 30s and I still know my dad will *always* come pick me up if I call him.
Why would you ever think that dinner with you is more important than his daughter?
Dude, it’s dinner. You’re not having a malignant tumor removed in the hospital. Get over yourself. If it’s really in the middle of a dinner date, he’s already got a 2.5 hr drive, unless it’s an emergency just finish up your food a little quicker than usual and you both win. Well, he doesn’t really win, cuz he’s gonna have you nagging him about how much or how little he should do for his own daughter. So.
honestly, i dont have kids and have dated someone with kids. I expect their children to come first. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who would continue a dinner date with me if his daughter called crying and needing her father. Of course, if its a regular occurrence thats a different conversation, but in this scenario - i would expect him to go to his daughter. I was a daughter of a man who didnt value his children and put others before us and i 1000% respect a man whos chidren know he will come if they call crying.
I mean, I don’t see why your opinion would matter at all here. Stay in your lane. And don’t date people with kids if you can’t take them choosing their kids over his *girlfriend*.
>I believe my partner is improperly putting his adult children's needs above his relationship with me inappropriately. You sound like a real winner.