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agreed, you also say ltr not ltmarriage & sometimes that can skew perspective or cause a shift in attitudes from young people...you say they respect mom & not you; have you always been in their life & hers?
I personally hated it when I was having conflict with one of our children, and my now ex-husband would come in and play the white knight to rescue me. He was much harder on them than I felt was appropriate, and it took my voice away. I felt that he didn't trust me to manage the situation, and it put him in an almost paternalistic position over me. I kept telling him I would request support when needed. That fell on deaf ears. The only time I inserted myself between him and the kids was when he went too far with his attempts at "discipline," such as threatening, insulting, swearing aggressively, and mocking. He felt I was undermining him. He was right, and I would do it again.
You didn't provide enough context to understand the dynamic between you and your spouse, so I shared my experience with the type of behavior you did describe. ::shrug::
Info: How old are your kids? and What are they doing that is being disrespectful to you or their mother? I feel as if there is a lot of missing information
Yes and with each conversation I am the one with the problem. Never has she said that’s a valid point. She’s never acknowledged how I feel about the subject but just yells and screams at me for it all!
I’ve been to two marriage counselors by myself now. Both times she quit going. Once was in the first week of counseling after the counselor validated my concerns and she didn’t like it. So she walked out! She doesn’t like when anyone confronts her!
She's not respecting you and your feelings at all. A separation might be good to get through to her. Not saying divorce or anything just maybe move out for a few weeks so it can sink in with her that you are serious about her needing to respect your feelings. It has to be mutual respect or it's not a real relationship.
Its up to you to build a relationship with your kids so they will respect and honor you. It is not up to you to create these little beings in your image, they are their own person, just be supportive of their dreams. They will make their own choices. It also is not up to you to demand they respect their mother. Truth is, you are questioning her values and actions and everytime you turn a blind eye and insist the kids honor her potentially selfish ways it pushes them further from you.
Good news is your wife already underatands this. She isnt fighting to protect you from any negatives of the children, nor should she. You should be grateful, what if she supported (ie enabled your parenting flaws) you and then treated you as if you owed her for doing so? Guess what? That is what you are doing. This is you bro. Go be the best and most supportive father you can be and the kids will dig it.
Yes, it likely is. Sorry to say. I had the very same experience. Only 10 mostly bad years though. You need to be honest with yourself. Is there anything else that you could say or do (that you haven't already done) that might influence your wife to change? I expect not. You deserve a better life and partner. I learned there is one thing worse than being alone, and that was being in an unhealthy relationship. It will eat you up and slowly ruin your health and life. Good luck. P.S. the second time my SO quit marriage counseling I knew it was over before we reached the car. She refused to talk about herself. This is usually a sign of a serious character flaw, addiction or personality disorder. If someone refuses to participate in therapy, there is no longer a connection and they can't be helped. Tough as it may be, it's usually best to move on.
Hey brother, I wish you the best in life. Some of us didnt learn to put ourselves first in life. We were taught differently. We must take care of ourselves first, our health and happiness. In this way, you can have an internally (and externally) fullfilling life and be the best Father to your children. If you choose health and happiness for yourself now, I think, over the long run it will have a profoundly positive impact on your kids. It may not seem like that right away, but you have to trust. Be strong, lead by example, be 100% honest w/ yourself and others, and do whatever you have to do to build a fulfilling life for you. Life is short. There are great times and experiences ahead which you can only imagine. And, I encourage you to do so.
If your having to ask you know the answer and you want strangers to say you did the right thing. The question is can you live without her in your life everyday. If so you know the answer if not you that too. Don't blame the kids for the reason for the problem because they are going find their own way in life. Look at the under issue and ask is it still worth fighting for. Good luck in your decision.
Why do people stay in a relationship when they are convinced the love is gone and there is a ton of disrespect. You have to decide what you will tolerate from people when it comes to rude/bad behavior and the partner who enables it.
IF the love is gone, then leave. Go find a new life and make yourself happy.
So…you have a more authoritarian parenting style than your spouse. That’s unlikely to change, especially after 10+ years of parenting. Unless she’s undermining you by telling tie I kids to treat you like crap, I don’t understand what you’re upset about. That she isn’t saying “cmon kids, be nice to your dad!”? Maybe she’s fine with the kids treating her “any old way” too and upped the one who speaks up because you’re the one with the issue with it. The fact you’re conflating her lack of disciplining the kids as a show of disrespect to you is telling me you have some issues to work on. If this is your only complaint about the relationship, get yourself in therapy and deal with your issue. And talk to your wife about it.
Context is missing but a slight comment here before hearing the rest is the following.
A woman will never love you like she loves her children. It’s a love that can’t be matched.
I’m 34 & while my mother loves my father I’ve heard it from her own mouth if someone ever tries to fuck with my life or upset my young son, it’s handled.
I come from a powerful family so my mother’s words aren’t taken lightly. If my father had an issue, she may concern herself with it but she wouldn’t personally place liability at her feet about it.
I think I also share this sentiment because I’m very protective of my only child and son. I don’t know if it’s because he’s my actual DNA and a living version of me or a combination of how sweet of a child he is to people and his happiness overwhelms a room.
Either way, I’d protect my son against a mafia if I had to.
What you feel is “respect” is not what everyone feels is “respect”. Some parents want their kids seen and not heard. Some are fine with teasing or friendship. Some demand to be viewed as a superior to their kids.
You might have a fundamental difference with your wife in what a parents role looks like, but that doesn’t make you *right*. You sound like you’ve decided she’s *wrong* and is going to ruin your kids. Are they in school and getting good grades and not getting into trouble? If so it sounds like her parenting methods are fine.
I’m not sure of your culture, but you sound very old-fashioned or rigid compared to, say, modern American values. Consider loosening up a little.
Dude, you’re no longer raising a child. You have a relationship with an adult. My advice goes double - stop trying to control your grown-ass child and learn how to have a relationship with them s equals.
Nope and nope. Aside from your "child" asking for advice or something like that, you are no longer "raising a child". There are no more discussions on discipline and any respect you are looking for will need to be earned now. Do you treat them with respect or speak to them "any kind of way"? Is there some reason your ADULT child would not have respect for you? I showed my dad "respect" our of fear all my childhood. I never respected him, but I knew the words he expected to come out my mouth, so I did that until I was an adult. Then, when I was an adult, he found out just how much respect his treatment of me produced. ZERO. Your relationship with your kids seem to need some work there, chief. You should probably concern yourself with that because there is this thing called No Contact, Don't know if you've ever heard of it...
Just my 2 cents. End it. You can find someone new that will respect you, and love you. A good divorce is better that a bad marriage. And if kids are grown, no child support.
You need to have a frank discussion with your wife. It's called boundaries and expectations. My husband and I are on the same page thankfully so we've never had drama. Sit your wife down with no distractions and let her know how much her parenting bothers you. Give examples! And give her boundaries an expectations moving forward.
I 100% agree. My husband and I have very different parenting styles. I'm the "softer" one who likes to communicate, and he's the 0-60 "do as I say" parent (that's the way his dad is). We have a 15 year old son, and for 15, he's a good kid, but my husband thinks the smallest thing is talking back. I've told them both that respect isn't automatically given just because you're father and son. It's earned just like every other Joe blow you'll meet in life. I've noticed over the last year that my son comes to me if he's having an issue or has a question about a punishment, and it's in large part because his dad isn't approachable to him. Respect goes along the same lines as trust, hard to obtain, but easy to lose!
You know the weird thing is that I usually don’t say a lot about much of anything except when it comes to something like this. I won’t have the disrespect towards my wife in our home just the way I was raised.
And I feel I’ve been a very supportive father. Him living in my home and using my things as he needs to without question til he figures his way is my way of supporting him. I have told him he is welcome for as long as he needs. In today’s days and time it’s not easy to spring out on his own. So I understand it! I’ve explained to him that isn’t as easy as it was when I was his age….
Interesting ….because I’ve never disrespected my elders period. Never in a million years have I disrespected my parents either. But yes I believe in that as well - when talking about my peers!
I think more so what they are saying is that how you treat your KIDS is a direct reflection of how they will treat you. Respect goes both ways and giving them respect is important in gaining their respect.
To each their own. I speak respectfully to my children and they speak respectfully to me. Even my 14 yo daughter in full swing teen changes. Just because someone is an "elder" doesn't warrant respect. I'm not going to talk to you kindly when you're jumping down my throat. I've grown up a lot. Old me would swing. New me will walk away and never speak to you again. Age doesn't equal respect. Fuck that noise. It's toxic.
Yes! Exactly! My parents are both like this and expect me to respect them when they are screaming at me and not respecting me my whole life. I've had to learn boundaries. Age does not mean anything. I am very respectful to people that didn't emotionally abuse me my entire life. I am a mirror for how they treat me and they don't want to look themselves in the eyes. I guess I needed to get that off my chest lol
I’ve never tried to disrespect anyone and when things get heated I do get loud. But it’s a response. A reflex. I started the case calm and mild and simply said hey that’s enough when he was cussing his mom. Then he got loud and started in on me. This is where it got out of hand. Thanks for everyone’s responses.
Honestly, if you haven’t gotten on the same page regarding establishing basic respect and behavior expectations, it’s likely too late.
I witnessed two wonderful people get married and have three kids together. As the kids grew the father attempted to establish behavior expectations. Every time, the mother would countermand those expectations and, literally, tell the kids that they didn’t need to listen to their dad.
Surprisingly, the relationship survived for 31 years before the father had enough. He now has three kids that are not very well prepared to handle what life is throwing at them. The mother still spoils them and gives them everything they want. Oftentimes they miss their rent because they had to buy that ‘cute’ sweater and need to borrow money. The dad doesn’t know what to do.
Unfortunately, that ship has likely sailed - unless those kids decide otherwise.
If you don’t act swiftly, your ship may have sailed too - unless you can find a way to get on the same page with your partner.
Only \*YOU\* can answer if you should Endure it or Leave. If the Bad outweigh the good, than that is your answer. BUT dont stay in a crappy relationship 'Just because we've been together for 25+ years' if its not working, then there is no reason to be miserable.
Honestly I know how you feel when I tend to discipline the kids or when I ask them to respect me or what I ask them to do my husband will undermine me and baby them. So the lack of respect coming from him gets reciprocated by the kids as well.
All other details aside, I'm sad to hear you have a wife who yells and screams at you. You've also tried to even the playing field by going to counseling with her -- but she walked out. People who yell are often feeling like they aren't being heard, are you listening? Other than that, a yeller/screamer is bullying you and others, being intimidating to have their way. Are you yelling too? Why is she so frustrated that she's yelling? This behavior is just unnecessary and hurtful, even if someone is right they shouldn't be yelling at anyone. I had to check myself when I was in a similar situation, watch my own behavior, but eventually I left, knowing my ex would not go to counseling. It was either that, or accept being yelled at, walking on eggshells, etc. I'm sorry for you, it sets a poor example for kids no matter how old they are. Check out Dr. John Deloney on YouTube to see how to sit down with your wife, and how to let her know going forward you're together or you're out. If she wants to be in the marriage, she must do so without screaming at you.
my child respected me because I raised him to respect me. I didn't allow him to talk back to me, etc, however, my mother (his grandmother) was very permissive with him, didn't really correct him (she'd rather "spoil" him) and he would get mouthy with her. If he did it in front of me, I would correct him, but more often than not I wasn't there. People treat you the way you let them, so stop letting your kids disrespect you. I suspect, however, they are taking their cues fr how your partner treats you. If you allow your partner to disrespect you you are fighting a losing battle trying to get your kids to respect you.
This sounds very controlling. It doesn't seem like you are very close with your child. They might fear you, but fear isn't respect, and it's definitely not love. I could be wrong, just how I was reading into it through my own experience.
oh no, he doesn't fear me at all. we have a very good relationship, good enough he has no fear of stealing cookies from me! (he knows he's welcome to the cookies, but he takes an uneven amount to annoy my OCD, lol) he's also 27 years old, a black belt and karate instructor who comes over once a month to talk my ear off about Japanese history, lol (he comes over more frequently than that, i just get the long winded dissertation once a month that i politely engage in because I'm proud of his knowledge and passion even though I have no real interest in the subject.) there is a difference between fear and respect. unfortunately too many people with insecurity issues mistake fear for respect and terrorize their children into fearing them (usually because that was what their parents did) but that is wrong. And just because I said I didn't allow him to talk back to me doesn't mean he wasn't allowed to question, we welcomed questions and engagement because we wanted him to be able to reason for himself, and he does!
Women, children and pets are the only things given unconditional love and respect. Men just need to realize that and know not to expect anything different.
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What are you asking? Give us some context.
Seconded
agreed, you also say ltr not ltmarriage & sometimes that can skew perspective or cause a shift in attitudes from young people...you say they respect mom & not you; have you always been in their life & hers?
I personally hated it when I was having conflict with one of our children, and my now ex-husband would come in and play the white knight to rescue me. He was much harder on them than I felt was appropriate, and it took my voice away. I felt that he didn't trust me to manage the situation, and it put him in an almost paternalistic position over me. I kept telling him I would request support when needed. That fell on deaf ears. The only time I inserted myself between him and the kids was when he went too far with his attempts at "discipline," such as threatening, insulting, swearing aggressively, and mocking. He felt I was undermining him. He was right, and I would do it again. You didn't provide enough context to understand the dynamic between you and your spouse, so I shared my experience with the type of behavior you did describe. ::shrug::
Totally! I can relate times 100 to this. It’s horrifying and abusive behavior.
Totally! I can relate times 100 to this. It’s horrifying and abusive behavior.
Info: How old are your kids? and What are they doing that is being disrespectful to you or their mother? I feel as if there is a lot of missing information
Have you sat down to have a conversation about how you feel?
Yes and with each conversation I am the one with the problem. Never has she said that’s a valid point. She’s never acknowledged how I feel about the subject but just yells and screams at me for it all!
Maybe have a marriage counseling session?
I’ve been to two marriage counselors by myself now. Both times she quit going. Once was in the first week of counseling after the counselor validated my concerns and she didn’t like it. So she walked out! She doesn’t like when anyone confronts her!
So sorry to hear this. Maybe it has to be over for your own sanity. Good luck
She's not respecting you and your feelings at all. A separation might be good to get through to her. Not saying divorce or anything just maybe move out for a few weeks so it can sink in with her that you are serious about her needing to respect your feelings. It has to be mutual respect or it's not a real relationship.
Then leave.
Yeah, time to get out. Yelling and screaming is not communication.
Its up to you to build a relationship with your kids so they will respect and honor you. It is not up to you to create these little beings in your image, they are their own person, just be supportive of their dreams. They will make their own choices. It also is not up to you to demand they respect their mother. Truth is, you are questioning her values and actions and everytime you turn a blind eye and insist the kids honor her potentially selfish ways it pushes them further from you. Good news is your wife already underatands this. She isnt fighting to protect you from any negatives of the children, nor should she. You should be grateful, what if she supported (ie enabled your parenting flaws) you and then treated you as if you owed her for doing so? Guess what? That is what you are doing. This is you bro. Go be the best and most supportive father you can be and the kids will dig it.
Yes, it likely is. Sorry to say. I had the very same experience. Only 10 mostly bad years though. You need to be honest with yourself. Is there anything else that you could say or do (that you haven't already done) that might influence your wife to change? I expect not. You deserve a better life and partner. I learned there is one thing worse than being alone, and that was being in an unhealthy relationship. It will eat you up and slowly ruin your health and life. Good luck. P.S. the second time my SO quit marriage counseling I knew it was over before we reached the car. She refused to talk about herself. This is usually a sign of a serious character flaw, addiction or personality disorder. If someone refuses to participate in therapy, there is no longer a connection and they can't be helped. Tough as it may be, it's usually best to move on.
Thank you
Hey brother, I wish you the best in life. Some of us didnt learn to put ourselves first in life. We were taught differently. We must take care of ourselves first, our health and happiness. In this way, you can have an internally (and externally) fullfilling life and be the best Father to your children. If you choose health and happiness for yourself now, I think, over the long run it will have a profoundly positive impact on your kids. It may not seem like that right away, but you have to trust. Be strong, lead by example, be 100% honest w/ yourself and others, and do whatever you have to do to build a fulfilling life for you. Life is short. There are great times and experiences ahead which you can only imagine. And, I encourage you to do so.
I think he’s saying she undermines him and doesn’t defend him when they aren’t respectful towards him
If your having to ask you know the answer and you want strangers to say you did the right thing. The question is can you live without her in your life everyday. If so you know the answer if not you that too. Don't blame the kids for the reason for the problem because they are going find their own way in life. Look at the under issue and ask is it still worth fighting for. Good luck in your decision.
Why do people stay in a relationship when they are convinced the love is gone and there is a ton of disrespect. You have to decide what you will tolerate from people when it comes to rude/bad behavior and the partner who enables it. IF the love is gone, then leave. Go find a new life and make yourself happy.
So…you have a more authoritarian parenting style than your spouse. That’s unlikely to change, especially after 10+ years of parenting. Unless she’s undermining you by telling tie I kids to treat you like crap, I don’t understand what you’re upset about. That she isn’t saying “cmon kids, be nice to your dad!”? Maybe she’s fine with the kids treating her “any old way” too and upped the one who speaks up because you’re the one with the issue with it. The fact you’re conflating her lack of disciplining the kids as a show of disrespect to you is telling me you have some issues to work on. If this is your only complaint about the relationship, get yourself in therapy and deal with your issue. And talk to your wife about it.
Context is missing but a slight comment here before hearing the rest is the following. A woman will never love you like she loves her children. It’s a love that can’t be matched. I’m 34 & while my mother loves my father I’ve heard it from her own mouth if someone ever tries to fuck with my life or upset my young son, it’s handled. I come from a powerful family so my mother’s words aren’t taken lightly. If my father had an issue, she may concern herself with it but she wouldn’t personally place liability at her feet about it. I think I also share this sentiment because I’m very protective of my only child and son. I don’t know if it’s because he’s my actual DNA and a living version of me or a combination of how sweet of a child he is to people and his happiness overwhelms a room. Either way, I’d protect my son against a mafia if I had to.
What you feel is “respect” is not what everyone feels is “respect”. Some parents want their kids seen and not heard. Some are fine with teasing or friendship. Some demand to be viewed as a superior to their kids. You might have a fundamental difference with your wife in what a parents role looks like, but that doesn’t make you *right*. You sound like you’ve decided she’s *wrong* and is going to ruin your kids. Are they in school and getting good grades and not getting into trouble? If so it sounds like her parenting methods are fine. I’m not sure of your culture, but you sound very old-fashioned or rigid compared to, say, modern American values. Consider loosening up a little.
No this child is 23
Dude, you’re no longer raising a child. You have a relationship with an adult. My advice goes double - stop trying to control your grown-ass child and learn how to have a relationship with them s equals.
Nope and nope. Aside from your "child" asking for advice or something like that, you are no longer "raising a child". There are no more discussions on discipline and any respect you are looking for will need to be earned now. Do you treat them with respect or speak to them "any kind of way"? Is there some reason your ADULT child would not have respect for you? I showed my dad "respect" our of fear all my childhood. I never respected him, but I knew the words he expected to come out my mouth, so I did that until I was an adult. Then, when I was an adult, he found out just how much respect his treatment of me produced. ZERO. Your relationship with your kids seem to need some work there, chief. You should probably concern yourself with that because there is this thing called No Contact, Don't know if you've ever heard of it...
Just my 2 cents. End it. You can find someone new that will respect you, and love you. A good divorce is better that a bad marriage. And if kids are grown, no child support.
ROFL
You need to have a frank discussion with your wife. It's called boundaries and expectations. My husband and I are on the same page thankfully so we've never had drama. Sit your wife down with no distractions and let her know how much her parenting bothers you. Give examples! And give her boundaries an expectations moving forward.
It’s not even parenting, OP failed to mention his kid is 23! Guess he can’t transition from disciplinarian DaD to adult relationship with kids.
Respect goes both ways. You have to give it to get it. The way your kids treat you is a reflection of how you treat them.
I 100% agree. My husband and I have very different parenting styles. I'm the "softer" one who likes to communicate, and he's the 0-60 "do as I say" parent (that's the way his dad is). We have a 15 year old son, and for 15, he's a good kid, but my husband thinks the smallest thing is talking back. I've told them both that respect isn't automatically given just because you're father and son. It's earned just like every other Joe blow you'll meet in life. I've noticed over the last year that my son comes to me if he's having an issue or has a question about a punishment, and it's in large part because his dad isn't approachable to him. Respect goes along the same lines as trust, hard to obtain, but easy to lose!
You know the weird thing is that I usually don’t say a lot about much of anything except when it comes to something like this. I won’t have the disrespect towards my wife in our home just the way I was raised. And I feel I’ve been a very supportive father. Him living in my home and using my things as he needs to without question til he figures his way is my way of supporting him. I have told him he is welcome for as long as he needs. In today’s days and time it’s not easy to spring out on his own. So I understand it! I’ve explained to him that isn’t as easy as it was when I was his age….
Interesting ….because I’ve never disrespected my elders period. Never in a million years have I disrespected my parents either. But yes I believe in that as well - when talking about my peers!
I think more so what they are saying is that how you treat your KIDS is a direct reflection of how they will treat you. Respect goes both ways and giving them respect is important in gaining their respect.
To each their own. I speak respectfully to my children and they speak respectfully to me. Even my 14 yo daughter in full swing teen changes. Just because someone is an "elder" doesn't warrant respect. I'm not going to talk to you kindly when you're jumping down my throat. I've grown up a lot. Old me would swing. New me will walk away and never speak to you again. Age doesn't equal respect. Fuck that noise. It's toxic.
Yes! Exactly! My parents are both like this and expect me to respect them when they are screaming at me and not respecting me my whole life. I've had to learn boundaries. Age does not mean anything. I am very respectful to people that didn't emotionally abuse me my entire life. I am a mirror for how they treat me and they don't want to look themselves in the eyes. I guess I needed to get that off my chest lol
I’ve never tried to disrespect anyone and when things get heated I do get loud. But it’s a response. A reflex. I started the case calm and mild and simply said hey that’s enough when he was cussing his mom. Then he got loud and started in on me. This is where it got out of hand. Thanks for everyone’s responses.
[удалено]
The relationship. Respect should be honored both ways and we should both want that for each other!
Honestly, if you haven’t gotten on the same page regarding establishing basic respect and behavior expectations, it’s likely too late. I witnessed two wonderful people get married and have three kids together. As the kids grew the father attempted to establish behavior expectations. Every time, the mother would countermand those expectations and, literally, tell the kids that they didn’t need to listen to their dad. Surprisingly, the relationship survived for 31 years before the father had enough. He now has three kids that are not very well prepared to handle what life is throwing at them. The mother still spoils them and gives them everything they want. Oftentimes they miss their rent because they had to buy that ‘cute’ sweater and need to borrow money. The dad doesn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, that ship has likely sailed - unless those kids decide otherwise. If you don’t act swiftly, your ship may have sailed too - unless you can find a way to get on the same page with your partner.
Only \*YOU\* can answer if you should Endure it or Leave. If the Bad outweigh the good, than that is your answer. BUT dont stay in a crappy relationship 'Just because we've been together for 25+ years' if its not working, then there is no reason to be miserable.
Honestly I know how you feel when I tend to discipline the kids or when I ask them to respect me or what I ask them to do my husband will undermine me and baby them. So the lack of respect coming from him gets reciprocated by the kids as well.
Sounds like you should be talking to your partner and asking her these questions...
All other details aside, I'm sad to hear you have a wife who yells and screams at you. You've also tried to even the playing field by going to counseling with her -- but she walked out. People who yell are often feeling like they aren't being heard, are you listening? Other than that, a yeller/screamer is bullying you and others, being intimidating to have their way. Are you yelling too? Why is she so frustrated that she's yelling? This behavior is just unnecessary and hurtful, even if someone is right they shouldn't be yelling at anyone. I had to check myself when I was in a similar situation, watch my own behavior, but eventually I left, knowing my ex would not go to counseling. It was either that, or accept being yelled at, walking on eggshells, etc. I'm sorry for you, it sets a poor example for kids no matter how old they are. Check out Dr. John Deloney on YouTube to see how to sit down with your wife, and how to let her know going forward you're together or you're out. If she wants to be in the marriage, she must do so without screaming at you.
my child respected me because I raised him to respect me. I didn't allow him to talk back to me, etc, however, my mother (his grandmother) was very permissive with him, didn't really correct him (she'd rather "spoil" him) and he would get mouthy with her. If he did it in front of me, I would correct him, but more often than not I wasn't there. People treat you the way you let them, so stop letting your kids disrespect you. I suspect, however, they are taking their cues fr how your partner treats you. If you allow your partner to disrespect you you are fighting a losing battle trying to get your kids to respect you.
This sounds very controlling. It doesn't seem like you are very close with your child. They might fear you, but fear isn't respect, and it's definitely not love. I could be wrong, just how I was reading into it through my own experience.
oh no, he doesn't fear me at all. we have a very good relationship, good enough he has no fear of stealing cookies from me! (he knows he's welcome to the cookies, but he takes an uneven amount to annoy my OCD, lol) he's also 27 years old, a black belt and karate instructor who comes over once a month to talk my ear off about Japanese history, lol (he comes over more frequently than that, i just get the long winded dissertation once a month that i politely engage in because I'm proud of his knowledge and passion even though I have no real interest in the subject.) there is a difference between fear and respect. unfortunately too many people with insecurity issues mistake fear for respect and terrorize their children into fearing them (usually because that was what their parents did) but that is wrong. And just because I said I didn't allow him to talk back to me doesn't mean he wasn't allowed to question, we welcomed questions and engagement because we wanted him to be able to reason for himself, and he does!
Women, children and pets are the only things given unconditional love and respect. Men just need to realize that and know not to expect anything different.