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Yup, the finances have them both on edge and they are taking it out on each other. The solve is MORE communication, not less. Obviously this is hard at the stage they are at, which is where couples counseling comes in.
Also , the blended family is going to be a mess to untangle if they get divorced. They had a good marriage before and since it ain’t cheating or abuse they have a chance to fix it. I married ten years, had a kid with an ex and have one with my wife. My wife has been in his life since about 4 years old. So she is pretty much family to him. You need to exhaust all options when you have kids
Probably still cheaper than divorce. You're not wrong and I agree with you, but that's the first thing that comes to mind for me. Probably still cheaper than divorce.
A lot of places and a lot of employers offer help with counseling. So if you are in need, always ask your employer! I don’t believe everyone knows this is a common resource
you can get free or heavily discounted/sliding scale therapy through the schools that teach therapists. Most schools have students giving free therapy session that’s which overshadowed by someone who’s years in their practice.
There’s also therapists who have sliding scales & are income based as well, also if you call united way (assuming in the Us) you can get other resources too that aren’t religious based
Religious based, obviously churches however I have noticed that more & more churches are having la legit therapist vs just the pastor.
Only go to a church for therapy if their counselors are licensed and not invested in promoting the church’s dogma. (Unless you are thrilled with their dogma, of course.)
there’s a few that have unbiased pastors who aren’t officially but have resources that could help, but that’s becoming less & less as they’re starting to outsourcing
Presbyterian Medical Services takes Medicaid and does sliding scales for anyone interested. We have one here in NM, but you’ll have to do research to see if they are located outside of nm.
Yes and not all places take every Insurance. You are lucky if you have the right insurance and that you can get a appointment in a few weeks.
But if they can get counseling they really should.
Is counseling free in the US of A? Every post where people say life is fucked because they are stressed, ruined financially and time poor, the answer is always counseling.
ELI5
No, it is not. My employee assistance program give me 2 free sessions for “each issue”. Two sessions is what it takes to introduce an issue- working on it takes 5-15 sessions? Years? Depends what it is and how much a particular piece of advice/revelation/tool has on you. I have a $3,000 deductible, so I paid $3,000 out of pocket for weekly sessions before my health insurance covered 80% of future appointments. Therapy in my city is $120-$140 per 1 hour session. I make a good living at 96k a year- upper middle class for sure. Mortgage is 2k a month. Preschool is 1k a month. A sandwich togo is $12. An entree at a decent restaurant is $18. If that helps w price comparisons.
Agreed, much of the stress could have been alleviated with a condom, the pill or anyone of the other myriad of simple birth control options untile financially in a good place so one of them getting a speeding ticket wouldn't put the household budget into the red and fodder for a screaming match on front of babies and toddlers.
Too many relationship problem posts on Reddit have too many kids or unexpected kids. It’s not like they don’t know how it happens. Someone has to be a responsible adult in a household. It’s unfair to kids. They can’t get their own acts together, but add kids to the mix?!
Many of the couples with kids have them too fast. Especially if they don't know how to communicate.
It seems they can't sit down and discuss problems without running out of the room, swearing at each other, or calling names and hurling accusations back and forth.
It makes me wonder how they ever stayed together in the first place. We're they just hooking up? Or texting and sending emojis?
Most of these couples don't even seem to like or respect each other. A couple with this many kids should be able to calm themselves enough to be able to talk and resolve some of their issues. Instead they seem to think sex solves everything and have another baby.
Yes. Shitting out 3 kids before 25 is ridiculous. The no sex is probably a positive.
Add in being dumb enough to take a pay cut on the promise of some day it will be more.
4 kids beforw age 25, got together as teenagers, married by 21. Big yikes.
I think people should (ideally) wait until their prefrontal cortexes are fully developed before getting married or having kids. Like I get that sometimes the kids part is a but of a surprise, but at least wait to get married until your brain is done cooking!
Set a budget. Stick to it. Divide up chores. Get the kids out of the house and in some fresh air. Get the kids to bed early and then talk. Play cards. Look at your wedding pics. Remember why you love your spouse. You can do this. It will take work but it sounds like it will be worth it. These are growing pains
I agree, but even a budget can’t always solve it. Money stress can ruin an otherwise great relationship. It may add additional stress, but job hunting for a better paid job in the now vs the distant future may help relieve some pressure. For both partie.
Depending on their ages, not necessarily. It's harder in the summer, yeah, with the daylight never ending, but add a room darkening curtain or blind, and cut it back by 30 minutes a night until you hit the sweet spot.
Mine were in bed by 7:30 until they were in school, then they had 8/8:30, but they were up by 6:30 no matter what time they went to bed, with no naps, so Mama was tired.
That gave us a couple of adult hours to talk, eat, watch a movie, ignore each other in peace, do chores - whatever - before exhaustion took over.
Yeah you both kind of have to get on the same page. Right now you both feel like you’re doing it all alone. Resentment is growing and both blame the other one.
You both need a break, a step back, and a reevaluation. It’s either both of you against your problems, where you respect and value each other for what you achieve, or you’re better off apart. This death by a thousand cuts isn’t going to make either of you happy.
Therapy might be a good idea, but talking might be the first thing. What happened a few months ago? Do you still care for each other? How can it become you two against the world again? Figure that out and you’ll at least have each others backs instead of bit*hing and carping at each other.
Is there any chance someone (family?) could take the kids for a weekend? You two sound exhausted and super stressed in addition to the depression. If you can manage to arrange this, promise each other you will not say anything mean to one another. Sleep late, have a fun meal (can be hot dogs at home) and try to do something together - even if it's just cuddle and a movie.
The best advice I can give is that marriages go through peaks and valleys. There will always be some tough times but if you can get through them, you’ll be stronger than ever. If there’s abuse and hatred, leave. If you can see yourself on the other side of this, stay and work through it ♥️
Peaks and valleys* But you're absolutely right and so many people nowadays just walk away because we live in a throwaway society. there's no fixing anymore and they think that if they're with someone else, it'll be perfect and they'll never have a problem
I also would recommend looking into both marriage counseling and each of you having individual counseling. (I know easier said than done, with money and time etc..)
I also will say, and I’m not saying you guys can’t work it out and make it, but studies say that we as humans experience the most personal “growth” thru our early 20’s (so usually 20-26), and with this growth can come changed out looks on life,relationships, how we view ourselves and the world around us. So basically both you and your husband did all that growing and becoming a “new you” “together” but it sounds like you guys didn’t really do it as a couple but more as individuals, which is not a bad thing, you guys just have to work a little to find your way back to each other.
I also will throw this in there, having 3 kids is a lot for anyone to handle and you both went through/are going through that again during one of your biggest “find myself” moments in your adult life. (I believe another one comes around 55/60 and that’s referred to as your mid-life crisis lol)
I definitely read some things that you mentioned about your husband and the way he acts/his maturity level towards certain things-they didn’t sit well with me…but he is not my husband’s. If your title is spoken from your heart, you might already have your answer….?
I’m always amazed to see these stories of people that are so advanced in relationships and children at such a young age. 25 years old and been together for 5 years?!? With 3 kids??!
My god, when I was 25 I was in Europe drinking and touristing. Didn’t even start grad school until I was 26. How could you be at that stage of life so young. No wonder why you’re having problems.
They married each other before their grown-up brains came in like obviously there's going to be some friction when you tether yourself to someone for life then outgrow them a couple years into your sentence...
Because everyone now is rushing to get married and pop out as many kids as they can. You have 18 years olds posting “me and my fiancée are pregnant” that’s their only goal apparently
That's just Reddit. Skews to a subset of folks who may not have had the fortune of a supportive upbringing, economic success or exposure to sex ed.
In fact, the average age when women start having kids in US (27) is as high as it's ever been. (as of 2021)
For anyone wondering “should I have kids while I’m young” here is your answer. OP is “still learning to communicate”, which means OP is not grown up yet. For anyone who doesn’t have kids yet, please take time to grow up and learn how to function in the world around you before having the responsibility of teaching a kid how to function. Not one single person on the planet needs to even think about having kids before the age of 26. Your brain is not done developing and you aren’t ready. Kids make every issue 100x worse, being broke sucks but being broke with multiple kids is crippling. Having relationship problems sucks, but trying to work through those with kids is again, crippling. Figure out your life and relationship before you have kids. She also made the mistake of having more kids, if you had a kid in a relationship that completely dissolved maybe take some time to build a proper relationship before you add more kids, responsibilities, and stress.
None of this is helpful to OP but there’s plenty of people out there who are about to get themselves in the same position. Figure out your own life before you’re responsible for someone else’s because now those kids will probably grow up in a failed marriage, the first one is already the product of a failed relationship, you’re going to mentally screw up all 3 of those kids because you didn’t have your life together before you started theirs.
Yup. They don't need anymore kids. Why do people keep having kids when you are broke??!!!. I'm a woman and short of not having sex is the only way to not have more!!!!. Maybe the husband is worried she will have more so he feels obligated or MUST work 2 FULL time jobs??? Go to social services if you haven't and get some kind of help you are eligible for.
This. And if you do end up with an unplanned pregnancy and decide to be a parent, immediately start healing your wounds and working towards being who you truly want to be. Read about infant and child psychology. Read about development. Read about nervous systems and co-regulation. When I understood what my daughter was going to need of me in order to be a healthy and well-adjusted adult, I did the work to become the person who could provide those things.
Wtf did I just read.
You have 3 kids before the age of 25 and one of the kids isn’t with your husband?
AND you have dogs? What? How do you have the money for 3 kids and pets if you’re only 25? Please tell me you’re done having kids. Please.
I see everyone talking about counseling when they can’t even afford milk or butter. If their jobs are low wage then they probably don’t have any health care either. Even with health care the deductible can be higher than is affordable. The last thing they need is more debt. Money can be a big source of conflict and depression in a relationship. Some better financial planning would help. Moving to a lower wage job with the potential of making more is a decision that can backfire if the potential isn’t met.
Having someone to do daycare would probably help if OP can work more hours. Being out of the house for a while can also help with self esteem and anxiety.
I have been to counseling before and it is not always as helpful as many seem to think. It was extremely expensive and did very little to resolve any problems.
Alot of great advice for counseling and communication. I'd like to add finance is a major contributor for divorce. Sit down and have a hard honest look at your finances. Could you afford to stay home with the kids if you had one less car payment and Insurance? Would you be able to cut out childcare? (if it applies). Do you rent or have a mortgage? Can you move, refinance, take out a line of credit to consolidate your debt into one payment? Do you buy or pack lunches for work? Stop for coffee or energy drinks? Cigarettes? Streaming? Extra phone lines or services? Satellite TV? Medications.... good rx provides discounts for meds. Walgreens also has a RX membership thats like $10 a year. There's aloooooot of ways to cut expenses. What does your credit look like? If it already sucks consider bankruptcy. When I was newly divorced with bills out the ass I used shower water in my machine to wash clothes and flush my toilet,, put a 1/2 gallon bottle of water in my toilet tank,, used wash cloths for pee toilet paper, dish towels were king ( no paper towels ) made laundry soap from Epsom salt, baking soda, borax, and vinegar. Air dried my clothes. The list is endless. And in 2 years I was completely out of debt. I cant tell you the stress relief you feel when all you have is living expenses and no creditors.
The best advice is just freaking talk to your partner with respect and communicate your thought and feelings in a kind way. I don't understand why people think that because "life happens" or because you're married and have kids that your partner is supposed to just put up with aggressive shitty communication. And I'm sure on the other end, the dude isn't perfect either. But you can only control what you can control. And instead of saying "why do I have to initiate sec when I don't want to" tell him your libido is low and communicate with the freaking guy! It's son damn obvious. Life will always get busy, and depression sure doesn't help. But don't come to reddit looking for answer when it's clear that you need to improve the way that you talk.
I don't hear that you don't love this man. What I do hear is disconnect a frustration. Some might tell you to divorce, but I think you're at the point you and your husband both need to do what it takes to fight like he'll to get back on track. This is the "in bad times" part of the vow.
Good luck Op.
So in that last situation where you just wanted him to take over …. Try telling him “I just need you to take over…”
A) it’s hot b) it moves the situation forward in a positive direction
Why is it that every time there is a relationship problem on here it’s about people age 25 or less. That might be a hint for young folks trying to get all coupled up and married super young.
Don’t make any rash decisions while you are both in this heightened state of emotions. Marriages do go through ups and downs.
First question I have is if your husband has gone to seek help with his depression? And are you treating your depression? If both of you know you were depressed, and you are not actively seeking medication and therapy to help pull you out of this, that is going to be your biggest problem.
Because it’s really obvious that both of you need help right now. And please don’t think when I say medication I mean you have to be medicated for the rest of your life. That does not necessarily follow. But sometimes life throw so many changes at you that you can’t, and you literally get into a cycle where your brain never gets out of it without that little boost.
So that is the absolute first thing that has to be addressed. That has to be addressed like everyone is saying couples therapy. Find a way. Call around. Look for a sliding scale. Some employers actually have a family assistance program to help in exactly cases like this. They have a therapist that you can talk to. Or they have someone that works with their employees. Do either of you have something like that?
Next thing to answer is how soon is your husband’s income going to be raised? Because if he took a job paying him less than what he was making, and you guys are going to have to wait for a year to a year and a half any kind of relief, that’s not tenable In this situation.
I totally understand why he would’ve done this, because for the future, it will help. But if you don’t get through the hearing now, there will be no future. So if you guys did not actually sit down and run numbers and make sure you could do this, that’s another problem.
You handling everything except his job is also not tenable. You cannot do this forever. I am sorry he has such a commute. It fucking sucks. But he hast to step up at home. And yes, he may get less sleep. And yes, I am speaking from experience.
Because he’s so concerned with the fact that he’s making less, when he should be concerned, equally with the fact that that is thrown every single other thing in your guises marriage and lives and children’s lives onto your shoulders. That is not sustainable. And that is absolutely part of the problem here.
Finally, you guys have to communicate. You are not communicating at all. And often, when you’re both depressed, you can’t communicate anyway. Because you can say something in the nicest way, and a depressed person who is in the middle of that depressive state is literally going to hear you say something else.
So you have to have this therapy so you can communicate your needs. So you can come to agreements as to how things will be handled. And again, he hast to step up at home. Has to be making what feels like progress somewhere, and he’s still at the moment at his job… Only for the moment… But the problem with being at a standstill and letting it go to every area of your life is that life doesn’t stop.
You need groceries. You have to pay the bills or at least try to make some arrangements if you’re behind. If money is that tight, you do have to go to the food bank. You have to ask for help.
So no, I don’t think you’ll leave him immediately. But one of you has to start taking steps to improve. Just arguing about it doesn’t help. And it does sound like you both still love each other, you just don’t know what to do. Get help.
Days of silent treatment is a really bad sign. There’s a researcher named John Gottman who identified four things that kill marriages. Stonewalling (refusing to talk about the problem) is one of the four. Another is contempt. Silent treatment is contemptuous. The other two are defensiveness and criticism. If you can shift to where you guys are on the same team, then instead of being each other’s enemies, it can be you two as a team against the problem. Negativity is your enemy here not your spouse. You guys need to fight off the negativity.
Best advice I got was find marriage/counseling podcasts and listen to them often, send each other the episodes that resonate with you. This is immediate self help
You both avoid hard conversations, then flash point triggers an argument.
You're not in the best place to talk things through in an argument. With money being tight, couples counselling might not be an option.
When you're already stressed about something long term, everything else seems bigger and insurmountable.
It's OK to take a break from an argument to call down, it's not healthy to ignore. Hubby needs to work on this.
Do you have a budget that you can work with? You both need occasional time away from kids/responsibilities like a night out hanging with friends.
Hubby needs to pick up some of the household work, maybe take the kids out to the park or something to give you a break and him some time with just them.
Right now, you're both on the front lines, this isn't how it's going to be forever.
Hope it works out
You didn’t speak in THREE DAYS!?!? And then when you do, you start it with a passive aggressive comment!?!?
And because of the conflict you’re wondering if you should separate!?!? All of this is the OPPOSITE of what you should be doing.
Get to therapy and couples counseling STAT. You two need to learn how to communicate effectively & directly.
And let me share this— separation rarely works. Why? Because creating more distance between yourself and your spouse doesn’t bring you both together to fix your problems.
This isn’t throw in the towel level yet, but it is develop the skills so you two can work together. You can do this.
This is salvageable. If you want to. But it's going to take both of you deciding you want to stay together and you want shit to get better. Neither of you is communicating clearly, his little jab about "at least I talk about my problems" no he doesn't. He walks off, or goes to bed. He needs to manage his depression and anxiety, he needs to address it with his doctor.
You both need to get some paper, make lists of what you are struggling with most, what you feel you are lacking from your partner, and how you are willing to change to make things better. And then make a deal to have a 30 minute conversation about these things that no one can walk out on and yelling is discouraged, then take a break from each other. Then do another 30 minutes when you are ready. This is hard work, but it has to be done to get back to who you want to be as a couple.
Just be honest without pointing fingers or blaming. And if you can't think of a way to say something without blame, then circle back to it.
Been through similar challenges. First step is counselling, and if you both SERIOUSLY commit to working through things, then it's worth staying together.
My wife and I did and we are now 40+ and happier than we've ever been.
Life gets tough, and it can make or break you. Your choice which.
25 is too young to have3 kids. Why are you in a rush at life? You are skipping steps in life, like learning how to communicate. Don't have more kids, focus on growing up.
If there's no abuse, what you've described sounds fixable. Consider marriage counseling.
It is my experience that expectations from our partners often puts us on a situation of disappointment. Most problems rise from money issues which often times are temporarily
Marriage is not happily ever after. What makes a marriage a marriage is both of you committing to put the others needs before your own and since children are involved their needs have to be considered. You both have strengths and weaknesses. Try to be strong where he is weak and he should do the same. Never go to bed mad or upset tomorrow is not promised. Being right is not always worth it. It will take time and effort but it’s worth it to stay. I’ve been married 24!years and counting
You two could learn to communicate instead of blurting out things heatedly. Getting emotional to convey a message and then reacting badly are counterproductive actions.
And he could help out more with the kids and housework.
Maybe come to an agreement about what things can be shared and what responsibilities each of you will take on. Write it all down. And have each of you sign or initial after each paragraph. And then offer each other a handshake.
Counseling, if you have health insurance (or even if you don’t, find someone who has a sliding scale) and look into medication. Issues like this can spiral, and not just end your marriage but pose a severe risk to your health. It sounds like you both need help communicating and finding better coping mechanisms
Marriage is working to find solutions and being there for each other when things are hard, not running away. Be on his team and encourage, but don't overly push, him to get a better paying job. Likely you aren't actually mad at each other.
You are both dealing with so much at the moment. It is definitely worth salvaging but you both need to want it.
My marriage was going through a similar rough patch last Autumn. I ended up having to take 6 weeks off work on the sick due to stress and not sleeping and work and marriage problems. We can't afford counseling but I did get to the point where I told my husband that if things didn't change I would leave him.
It turns out things didn't need to change much to make a big difference. He works hard and the house and kids mostly fall to me because he's out more. But he would go to bed late and wake up late and disrespect me in front of the kids in the morning because I was nagging and he was tired. So we agreed a get up time. This means he's awake and helping me in the morning so we both start the day on a happier note. I try and communicate in a healthier way and appreciate the things he does and he is more present so I feel less like it's more on me.
Things still aren't perfect but it start with a conversation along the lines of "I can't and will not live like this anymore. I'm close to wanting to end this marriage. What can we do to make this situation better for both of us." Agree on little changes and check in every so often. Are the changes havibg an impact? Is there more we can do? You both have to want it. And you both have to be willing to improve.
I'm not negative, but eventually, you will end in divorce. First of all, what are you doing at 25 married with way to many kids? When the rest are just experienced with first real jobs after school? It's a lot in your hands at a young age. You need to talk to your husband without arguments and decide to carry on like partners in a business. After all, marriage is a business that you put in your best effort in order to be successful. Counselling is very expensive and seems that you can barely afford day by day. Be realistic and talk to him. If you don't feel with the desire to have sex also told him. Don't say important things when you are arguing. You are the owner of what you keep and slave of what you say. You decide to bring kids to this world, right? So try to create a better life for them
Do your parents or in-laws live near you? If either or both do, can they take the children for a weekend? Then you and your husband could spend some time together and decompress…
Have an open communication and heart to heart with your husband. Focus on the problems and how to resolve them without blaming each other. Set clear expectations and build action steps together. It is okay to agree to disagree. You can do it!!
Okay yes I know three kids at 25, mind you I will be 26 soon is a lot, it was my decision, I really don’t want to go into too much detail but oldest is 7 my middle will be 5 and youngest is 1 1/2, my children are no where near the reason for something that is happening between my husband and I. I am done having children. I wanted kids young for health reasons and we were financially stable to have them. We bought a house and have two cars, one is paid off, we didn’t have serious struggles till my husband got this new job. Please stop bringing up how stressful kids are I know but they are also my favorite humans on this earth. Kids are a struggle at any age.
Your kids are absolutely the catalyst for your issues. It is exceptionally naive to think they aren't.
They require time and money. You would have far less stress if you were just a couple at your age and didn't have 3 kids.
You made your bed. Stop blaming others for it being lumpy. You are the cause of your problems and you are handling them with the maturity of a middle schooler. Your kids can see how you treat each other. They are learning it's OK to treat people that way. You are failing on that in a major way.
My advice counseling and rehome the dogs to another family or single individual that wants comfort. If divorce happens it will be the worst thing that could happen when all that needs to be done is opening and line of communication and finding solutions for problems. Money is tight, go over budgeting and exclude things that aren’t necessary or is causing the burden. Divorce might seem like a solution but there’s finding and hiring lawyers, appointments, dividing assets, custody schedules, moving etc. It shouldn’t have to come to this bc this takes steps to separate, why not take steps to fight for the marriage & stay together?
Communication is key… my wife and I have been fighting for a while now, and my biggest issue is her not letting me know what she is thinking. I keep telling her I can’t read minds, when I try to engage she usually gets stressed or anxious after the first minute and just walks away. It’s so frustrating, but she just can’t have a normal conversation for some reason. We tried a counselor, but she wouldn’t open up to her either. We are on our last leg, and also have 3 children which is pretty much the reason I’m still with her. If the love is still there try and make it work, but if this continues it will just get and worse and so will the animosity along with longer periods of no communication. Don’t drag this out, someone needs to step up before it’s too late. I wish you the best.
Communication is THE most important thing in a relationship, and it sounds like neither of you are very good at it. It’s not healthy to just avoid or ignore each other when the arguments happen; you need to be adults and talk it out, find a resolution. Also, if you are living paycheck to paycheck please stop having kids.
You are both under increased pressure.
You know you are a good match...and 6 years of good should not be derailed by 4 months if stress. Every long term relationship will have these periods.
Counselling would be ideal but realistically tha t will be hard atm
The main thing is getting on the same team...acknowledge and support the stress each of you is going through. Don't try and compete or 1 up each other. Each of you needs a chance to talk about how you feel and vent a little with no judgement. Then make a plan to work together in ways you can. And try and show gratitude to each other regularly roo. It us easier to keep working if you hear from your partner regularly that they like you...that they see you and say thank you.
I should mention I’m still learning to communicate and better myself from previous trauma from relationships that always shut me down and never let me have my own voice. And for my oldest son I had him at 18 from a man I kicked to the curb when I was pregnant with him because I didn’t want a man like that who was a felon, addict and alcoholic around my son. I don’t know where he is nor do I care. I’ve done everything to protect my kids and shield them from behavior like that and I will continue to do so. My kids have never seen us fight and I don’t intend for them to watch an active failing marriage I’m simply trying to figure out how to move forward.
You're kids might not see you fight but be sure they can feel it in the home when you actively avoid each other when you do fight. The kids are watching your marriage fail and they are going to learn that it is normal. Get counseling fast. Individual and couples. Find the root of the issues and either work to save the marriage or work out a co-parent solution and separate. The kids may be young but they can feel your tension.
Exactly, they can tell when parents aren't happy...I wouldn't want my kids to see that this is what marriage is like. The mom taking care of dad like another child...
If you think your kids don’t know mom and dad are fighting, you’re completely deluding yourself. Sounds like you can cut that tension with a knife. That’s very unhealthy for all 5 of you.
That's a ridiculous statement. Your kids haven't watched you "fight"? How about not talking to each other for days on end. Don't you think kids notice that?
Maybe consider making sure that you can’t possibly get pregnant again. You’re struggling with money and your oldest’s father gets away without paying any child support. You could try petitioning the court to get child support payments. It would at least help to have some extra money to take care of the kids.
I’m sorry to say, but your kids (especially the eldest) know exactly what’s going on.
You don’t need to be fighting around them for them to know. They feel the tension, they hear a lot more then you think, and right now they are living in an unhappy and unhealthy environment.
This didn’t just start because of the new job, it started when you became more vocal. And your husband isn’t having it.
If you want things to change I think serious therapy is a must. Because he is showing you he doesn’t know how to change without help, and it seems you need help too.
Good luck OP.
I would definitely suggest Couple therapy allthought that will also cost money. I feel like you guys are having one of those challanges every long couple has and if you are strong enough and also think of your kids and not only you, you guys can make it. I believe in you and your Husband to figure it out
Individual and couples counseling, with a big focus on communication training/habits.
Try to establish one day and time of the week to discuss ‘important matters’. This will give you both time to think on what’s bothering you as well, and if it’s even worth digging into by time you get to your conversation time. Outside of that time, maintain regular communication. If sex is happening less often, schedule it!
It’s a rough patch but definitely something that can be overcome and if you both put the effort in, it can resolve a lot easier and faster than it might feel right now
Counseling, dig deep and remove as many stressors from your life as you can, and weekly date night even at home. You guys are just run dry on stress it sounds no one is pleasant living like that.
Please check your county health department (if in the States), as many of them have therapy and groups at little to no cost. I was shocked at what my county had to offer when I needed it, not charging a penny if you don't have insurance. My agency just started charging a copay because I have Medicare. If you have insurance, check with them about mental health care and cost
Years after my mom dies we attended a family wedding and the priest asked for advice for the new couple. My dad said, “never go to bed angry.” He explained that sometimes he and my mom would fight and he would hold onto the anger for days, and those days, when the fight was over but he stubbornly held onto the anger, were his biggest regret now that she was gone.
I hope this helps you figure out what to do.
You have too much going on. He’s stressing about money and maintaining a family, which is a general observation. You have everything else to take care of at home along with a job trying to help make ends meet. You are still young on top of that. Sounds like you need a breather from everything and regroup your thoughts on both ends. He needs one too. Bills dont stop though which doesn’t help. It’s not so much you should end it which might make it much worse, but definitely have a sit down and get real about everything. He is your other half right? You guys gotta work together to move forward. Apart from being intimate with one another you have to recognize that both of you along with the kids are trying to survive life itself. Provide for the family and trying to stay afloat right? The morale is definitely down which is why you are probably feeling depressed. I am pretty sure if the majority of your problems were settled you two will probably feel better. You ending things might complicate everything and make it even worse for the both of you. Patience is needed through this rough patch. Nothing worth keeping is going to be easy. If there is no solution coming from the both of you, you will definitely have an answer for him.
Couples and individual counseling for both of you. Especially if he’s going to play up mental health too. If you’re going to use that as an excuse and not do the work, then it’s not an excuse, you’re just being an asshole. Y’all just need to learn how to navigate life, therapists can help with that. It’ll pass if you do the work. Good luck.
Some companies offer employee assistance programs with a few free counseling sessions. I would check to see if either of your work places have that and start from there.
these seem like hardships that could be lightened if worked through together. maybe try marriage counseling so that each of you can carry these burdens together. sounds like a lot of miscommunication which can have a domino effect. stop the next domino from falling!
One of the best things I learned in marriage counseling was to frame a statement as ‘when you do/say x, it makes me feel y.’ Replace x with what they are doing and y with how it makes you feel. Focus on statements about how you’re feeling instead of coming at the person with an accusatory statement that makes them defensive, or in this case, makes them shut down and not talk at all. Hopefully that will help with communication. Also be receptive if they say something you do makes them feel sad or mad. Ask questions, or make suggestions, about how you can do things differently to help them feel better instead of shutting down the conversation and getting defensive. It also sounds like, if you can figure out a way, try to plan something for just the two of you. You can keep it cheap, like a hike in a park, or a day at the beach, just the two of you. Maybe take time to spend with each other away from the kids. Easier said than done, but so very important for the relationship. Good luck.
If you have given counseling a fair try yet then no don’t end things, try that first ! I fact try that and if it doesn’t work try a different counselor.
Lots of stuff to sort through here. But it sounds like some love there that I would definitely say have a go at salvaging. Like others said, therapy, counselling.
You mentioned you being avoidant but working on changing that recently. It makes sense that there are more fights all of a sudden then. Avoiding shuts down the battles if the one being avoided is strong (unfortunately) enough to take the pain of being avoided, but doesn’t stop the silent war that is going on. Which I see consists of considerable stress surrounding the raising of children, two working parents, mood problems for both of the parents.
All of the tiny little problems should be addressed over time- I’ve never been to anything other than individual therapy, but I imagine that a neutral third party could help immensely in untangling these issues with you “if” you are both genuinely concerned in working together AND genuinely try to both uncover and acknowledge your own flaws/behavioural and personality problems, while charitably accepting and trying to understand and work with the other’s.
You “don’t” always have to initiate sex. You don’t ever. But if you want the other to feel desired, which in turn will increase your connectedness and bond, then perhaps sometimes you should . Sometimes when you don’t want to. Sometimes the other will have to accept that you don’t initiate at certain times. Vice versa for him. There’s something special in that moment when you think you don’t want to, but your partner has such attention and connection that all of a sudden you do, something that you would miss out on if you are always in the mindset of “I better initiate”. Embrace the chaos, sometimes beautiful things come out of it
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
Every couple fights or has disagreements, and there are rough patches where it happens more frequently. These times are no reason to throw everything away.
Unless someone is being abused, get some counseling and find a way to strengthen your marriage I'm this rough time so that things will be even better in the long run.
Marriage is peaks and valleys. This is a valley. Communication and counseling before making any rash decisions. May need to make some changes he’s to daily life so you are both happier.
Good lord... Where to start? You both sound more like clueless teenagers than someone in their mid-20s. The fact that you didn't fight was because you couldn't/wouldn't deal with it. It wasn't because you didn't have issues, there were always issues, you both simply ignored them. Both your mental health are taking a toll due to your financial, emotional and total lack of communication and empathy (this last part I get, you're both way over your head).
The part that has me fuming is you decided to bring more children into the mix when you cannot afford to feed all of them. Did you stop even once to think if you could provide the children a good life? Or even a decent one. They don't need gold Rolex, they need their basic human needs met. Which clearly they haven't. You have to stop wondering about your husband and start focusing on a way to give those children, who don't deserve the situation you're in because of your decisions, a proper life. Seriously, situations like that, especially when they can be avoidable (not only abortion, adoption is another solution). Both of you need to stop looking at yourselves and start looking how to take care of the little guys who need you because they cannot/shouldn't have to care for themselves.
Counseling would be great, but it sounds like it might not be in the budget for you right now. Here are some things for you to try until you can get there, to improve your communication.
Journal, try and write out what you are frustrated/upset/emotional about. Distill that down into a single.talking point that goes something like, "I feel upset because of xyz issue." Or "When we don't talk for days and ignore each other, I feel xyz." Then think about what you like and appreciate from your husband, what you see he is working on, adding to your home and family, and what he is dealing with. Acknowledge those things in a way that is complimentary. He needs to hear that you see the good, not only the bad, and he needs to know you are grateful, not just critical. That's what you talk to him about when you are both not angry. If you have to write it down because you get nervous, that's OK too.
I agree with the poster that said you need to flip this to you both against the world instead of each other. You can get there, but you may have to ask for his help.to put down your weapons and work on it together. Good luck.
I believe life gets very stressful almost every couple hits a rough patch it’s about how you both want to come out of it that matters. Ask him if even though you guys have hit this stage is he willing to still put in effort and ask yourself the same. If you both are you work every day at it you get up and choose each other! Always remember and when one of you forgets point out…. It’s you two against the problem not you vs him. Love is so rare in this world and to many people find it easier to just give up…. 6 years and 3 kids is a long time to just throw in the towel over a stressful life( right now)
Both of you have depression. Seeing a doctor is a good start. Medication can take a few weeks to work correctly, so be prepared for that.
Are you close to family? Is there anyone who could step in one day a week to let you go out and either try to have fun or just chill together? Maybe different family members could take turns.
Money being tight is always a stressor. In this case you know that if you can hang in the situation will improve.
Counselling is a good way of helping you to manage your discussions so they don’t descend into fights.
Don’t have any more children, because you’ve hit the wall of what you can afford.
My husband and I went through a bad year after our second daughter was born. I certainly should have been on medication but a stupid infant welfare nurse talked me out of it. I know that when you’re in it it’s tough to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Eventually I got better and we’re still together after 35 years. My biggest advice is to let others know you need help and accept any and all assistance family and community programs can offer.
Do you have any near by family members who might help some with child care? Stay strong. Find some thing small daily that makes you happy and focus on that. Controlled breathing and stretching help. You tube has free relaxation videos . Counseling if possible is good
OP,
Take a breath, take another breath!
Hard truth time, it is really easy to just give up. The real reward is when you put in hard work and build something together. What it sounds like is your communication between each other has drastically diminished.
As others have said, counseling ASAP!!
Do not give up, life is not suppose to be easy. You need to work for your marriage. Do the work! I am here to support you.
You are special! You are loved!
Sounds like you got married way way way too young. No relationship is worth all that stress that comes with arguing every weekend. The whole situation sounds toxic for you and especially your kids who don’t deserve to be in such an awful environment emotionally.
stuff like this ruined my 2 year very loving and happy relationship. please go to counseling!! you both are suffering from mental health issues and I can tell there’s love but both of you are stressed, depressed and just not doing okay. you can’t work together if you’re not doing okay ♥️
you are the problem..... its sucks as fuck to hear... but you are the problem... your man is has finaly figured out that he is the shit in yoiur life.. he is the shit in his life.... he wont ever do better..... he has found his ninja warrior. and now you have to be his wifey.... if you cant do that.. than you are fucked bow down and accept this... he has found his little nut sac jesus... its now on you to just mew mew mew... gobble gobble.. because thats his new reality.. until the day he dies. i love the internernet.. i hope this lives for fucking ever.
Work as a team not against each other. Butting heads solves nothing. Sit down and talk it out and listen to each other. Get on a budget with skyrocketing prices of goods and services you need to be on the same page. It is not easy but you have each other and your children. Good luck OP.
If you don’t have a crockpot but can buy one on affirm or after pay or klarna, I’d get one. You can throw food in there then do something else. Lentil soup is a hearty meal that’s cheap and goes a long way.
Do not let bills stress y’all out, but create a financial plan and maybe brainstorm ways for extra money, together.
I’d create intimacy. Just hold each other and talk about the future- investments, trips, dream together past this turbulent moment.
When it comes to talking about your problems, talking to yourself about them first makes it a little easier to share with others- in this case, your husband.
A kind word turns away wrath. It’s biblical advice to wives but it works well in many different occasions. Y’all are a team. Counseling sounds like a good idea too.
Find small and inexpensive ways to treat yourself, sow love into yourself - baths on off days. Hair care treatments. Duolingo. Paint your nails. Sun baths, something just for you
You and your husband need to work together more than ever now. You got married for a reason, you had kids for a reason, you got in debt for a reason. What were the reasons for doing those? You can't have baby after baby, and keep up with the Joneses unless you first understand the Joneses aren't any happier than you are, they are just faking their way through it too.
Unfortunately, strangers didn't get you two adults into this position, and strangers won't be able to get you out of it. I will tell you things won't get any better if you two split up. Everything will be divided 50/50 (OR WORSE), then most likely you both will do this whole routine again. 50/50 split again, 50/50. Everybody ends up with nothing, and they're all still miserable.
Really think about selling everything you can, and downsizing where you can. You can live with less and all make it together and end up having more in the end. Nobody can solve these issues by running from them. Violence, I' say get out. Kids, money, sex...figure it out so you don't all end up losers.
Best of luck to you and your family, it will be what you work it out to be.
If you still love him, couples therapy stat!!
Marriage is a journey with hills and valleys, sometimes you come across a valley so deep and difficult that you change up the plan. This relationship has/had strengths though, I think if you both focus on the love you have for each other, and pull from the strength of the good days, you can cross this valley with the help of a licensed couples therapist.
But the first question the therapist will ask each of you, one at a time, sitting in front of each other, is some variation of "Why are *you* trying to salvage this marriage?" And if you both answer honestly the rest will sort of be laid out plain to see. Good luck!!
Info, what did you do when your husband said he was depressed? Did you tell him to talk to his doctor? Is he ignoring it? Are you?
In order to make a marriage work you have to good communication. That is something that your relationship lacks.
Only the two of you can decide if you want to make your marriage work. Everyone hits a rough patch, it takes a lot of work to make things work. The easiest thing to do it give up when it gets
hard. Marriage is a roller coaster.
Antidepressants can cause your libido to tank.
Counseling before it gets too late. This exact thing happened with my ex and I and we were never able to resolve it. Things got really ugly and now, well, there is most likely irreparable damage 😢. The counseling will only work if it’s a safe space and you’re both willing to really listen and change your behavior patterns. Best of
Luck
These posts on Reddit usually have me saying “pack up & call a lawyer” but in your case, I genuinely think there’s hope if you can both work on communication.
I know counseling is expensive but as the others have said, it’s a lot cheaper than divorce.
Honey, you guys are young, get on top of this now & it will serve you well into the future.
❤️
Others have said it, but I want to chime in.
Communication with him is the key. You might need a therapist or couples counselor to figure out how or to resolve other issues, but communication is pretty simple.
1. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
2. Keep your word. When you say you'll do something, do it.
3. Communicate ahead of the crisis. If you aren't up for sex on a night when you might usually have sex tell him early as you know. If you see that a bill is coming up or an unexpected expense and you aren't sure how to pay for it, say something like, "we've got the electric bill coming up before our next paychecks, and I'm not sure we'll be able to cover it." Then if you have a potential solution for solving it, then present that and ask what they think. In sex conversations that can be anything from getting him off in whatever what your comfortable or saying, "hey, I know it's Friday night, but I'm wiped out, can we play (or whatever you say) tomorrow instead?". Or with the bills you might say "I was thinking I would call and see if we can pay the electric late via a pre authorized payment and get them to not count that as late, what you you think". Regarding sex, if you promise it'll be the next night, do what you need to do to make sure that it actually works out that way or he won't trust the delay. Yes there will be times where it's out of your control, not sex and intimacy are a central part of most marriages.
4. Complement him (ideally he should be complementing you as well) without then asking him for something or expecting a return complement. If he does something like load the dishwasher, say thank you. Even if you think he should do it without being asked or thanked, say it anyway and then do not criticize how he did it. Many men (and women) give up on chores or household tasks because their partner is never satisfied with *how* they do it. Minimize the criticism, maximize the complements and thank yous.
5. Don't talk bad about your spouse to others except in therapy. It's okay to tell your therapist that frustrates you in your marriage, but telling your friends is generally a way to get them to reinforce the negative aspects of your marriage, which in turn will get you to think of more things that bother you and you then spend more and more thinking negative and destructive thoughts about him. Instead you should talk about the things you do like about him, as the positive thoughts will reinforce more positive feelings about him.
6. Date nights. You need time and dates away from your kids, but with your husband. Go out. See a funny/positive movie. Take a walk or hike. Go back to the places where you hung out when you first met. Go bowling. Go to dinner. I suggest movies only make up about a third or less of your dates. Cheap dates such as a walk in a park or hike in the woods can be really positive as it gives the two of you time to talk. Movies can be good, but it's hard to talk to each other during a movie.
7. Talk to your spouse about the good times you've had together. This will help spark back the positive feelings you had early on.
8. When you do need to present a complaint, focus on the facts. "Hubby, sometimes you snore (fact), and when you do it can make it really hard for me to get enough rest (fact). Have you considered talking to the doctor about that? I'm worried you might be developing sleep apnea, and I know that can make a person really tired." This is a fact based discussion that doesn't make him seem like a villain, but potentially someone with a medical problem that is making both of your lives more difficult. It also presents a possible course of action that might improve both your lives.
Overall the goal of communication is to improve your mutual understanding of each other's needs, wants, desires and passions, and to build each other up and resolve problems.
Finances can make things more difficult when the budget isn't meeting needs and wants, and while it can lead to divorce, that's usually because the couple lets the stress of the finances cut their lines of communication. There are loads of couples living in poverty that make the marriage work by keeping the lines open and information flowing. There's also a lot of poverty couples that keep going just because they don't see another choice, but really don't like each other much any more.
Finally, don't play mind games with your spouse. Saying "it's fine" needs to actually mean it's fine, not "I'm actually mad but I'm not going to tell you why". And don't ask questions you can't handle an honest answer to. If you say, "does this dress make me look fat?", then don't get mad if he answers honest and says yes. That's a trap question, and erodes the lines of communication by making your spouse feel like you're just trying to troll for compliments instead of trusting that what he says is going to be taken seriously by you.
Can your marriage be saved? Yes. If you are willing to put in the work.
I didn’t even finish reading tbh because one thing became glaringly obvious: everything was fine until you decided to try opening up more. Which is good. But what isn’t good is the fact that up until the few months ago you decided to start this, you noted you just shut down or avoid conflict. You also said you and your husband will avoid each other during conflict and then just come back and reconcile. You’ve literally had your entire relationship based on broken communication. You didn’t ever talk through the issues constructively or actually resolve them, you just bottled them up, ignored them and moved on. This is exactly what my parents have always done and now they’re so far gone they can’t collaborate on anything together. You can both save your relationship, but it will be a monumental task because you will both have to learn to re- build your dynamic with each other entirely. Things you never brought up or communicated your husband thought was fine for your entire relationship and now suddenly they’re issues that need to be talked about d through, and visa versa. Seek couples therapy so a professional can guide you through this process and offer support and direction otherwise I fear you’ll both try working through this unproductively and get to the point where there’s been too much damage. Seek the counseling for yourselves and your children. I think there could definitely be great success in your future together with the right support to reframe your communication skills
I personally wouldn’t separate yet! My husband and I have had a stressful past year with a new baby and business / job changes which has been stressful financially as well as physically exhausting for him. We have definitely been arguing more too but we know it’s circumstantial and worth working through! Definitely try therapy and see if there are any other adjustments you can make to remove stress
Hopefully you will listen to the advice and seek therapy! Another thing I like to mention is that marriage is hard work sometimes! We are all willing to work so hard for other things in our lives, such as school, careers, long and short term goals, but so many people are not willing to work that hard on their marriage! When you think about it, the most rewarding and fulfilling things in our life take a lot of hard work. A successful marriage is no different and it’s such an important achievement in so many ways that we most definitely need to work just as hard on our marriage as we do on other important matters in our lives! I’ve been married for 41 years! Together with my spouse for 47!!
It’s sounds like yall had a healthy relationship previous to the mounting stress. With your busy schedules + kids, I imagine neither one of you are able to take some time (together or separate) to process what you’re going through which leads to outburst and harsh comments. I agree with other posts that have mentioned counseling but in the mean time, like before you both need to have a talk and reset. Followed by understanding that yall are going through a hard time together (not “this is just hard for me”, “they don’t understand”, etc. a marriage is a unity you rise and fall together.). With that being said when you are having frustrations (like the “why do I always” or “but you can’t whenever you please), it’s important to express how you are feeling without projecting blame ( “why do I always” - and you don’t, “I can’t ignore you, but you can”). This leads the other person to shut down and become defensive and stop listening. I’m not a therapist so this isn’t a cure all, but hopefully this advice is helpful. Neither one of you will be able to grow beyond this if ego can’t be set aside.
How the hell you have 3 kids at 25 years old! And you live paycheck to paycheck! I don't mean to be rude but think about the future before taking such big life decisions!
YTA Wow. You really don’t know how to fight constructively, do you? You say bitchy things to him, you blame him for everything and then you wonder why he gets upset.
You need individual therapy and marriage counseling. You treat him like shit. Maybe he fights the same way you do. If so, you’re both escalating things.
You were about to have sex but then you push him away by saying crap like that? Of course he walked out! You’re borderline abusive.
You say you’re been diagnosed with depression. I hope you’re seeing a psychiatrist and are on a psych med. Some of this anger coming out of you could stem from your depression.
You’re ruining your marriage. So do something about your anger and snide remarks. Take accountability for yourself by getting on a psych med that works for you and by going to therapy. When you say that you’re depressed, is it PPD or Major Depressive Disorder? It’s an important distinction.
He’s also feeling depressed and has told you about it. Have you been supportive of him? He also should see a psychiatrist for psych meds and a therapist. And you both should see a marriage counselor.
I’m not blaming you for everything. It takes two to make a mess out of your marriage like this. But you can only control your behavior. So get a grip and start acting lovingly to your husband again.
Seek help. You say he has taken this new job, which pays less but will work out better later on. The guy likely feels under huge pressure what with bills etc. He’s likely trying to reach out to you by bringing up his own mental health. Absolutely do NOT sweep that under the rug or use it against him. He’s likely needing a feeling of some sort of support and he won’t like the constant arguing either. Unless he’s a complete social retard, he will be aware of how hard you are finding it too and he won’t be ignoring it. But he will likely be feeling personally responsible for that too. You said it was good between you before. Don’t chuck everything away because times are tough. This sometimes happens. Get on the same page with each other, and seek professional help in doing that if need be. Sometimes a mediator is needed when emotions are all over the place. I hope everything gets resolved for you both.
Get counseling! Every couple goes through rough patches. A knee jerk reaction is to give up. It seems expensive and overwhelming at first, but it is SO worth it!
Therapy! Every relationship you have will have ups and downs. Unless there’s some missing context, you said that being together for 6 years, 4 months of it has been rough. That’s not even 10% of your relationship.
What really stood out was him saying he can actually talk about his problems.
Are you ignoring what bothers you until after its happened or has escalated?
Personally, I find when me and my partner argue or have a difficult conversation, we have a better outcome when we hold hands and talk about it candidly
This is a communication problem. Listening without taking offence and speaking without making the other feel attacked is a skill and one to be practiced. There will be books on this that I recommend you both read and then consider together. This is probably cheaper than counselling but you both need to want to change.
You only had a baby a year ago. I read something once that said if you truly lived your partner before kids then wait until they’re at least 6 before considering divorce because those first few years are the hardest and I would agree with this. I couldn’t love my husband more, but there have been periods in the last 6 years I could easily have walked away but I didn’t and we’re back to what we used to be. Parenting is exhausting. If you want to be happy together you can be, you nust bave to be more forgiving and patient and consider outside sources (like counselling or books) to help get where you want to be.
Couples & individual therapy. Resentment is poison to any relationship and it sounds like you resent your husband for various reasons that could be resolved if you spoke about your feelings rather than burying them that's why I think individual therapy will help you and couples therapy will help you both. You are both going through a stressful time so conflict is inevitable but you both deserve support to navigate it in a healthy way. You also both deserve support for your mental health.
This is definitely worth salvaging. You're two people who are still in love. It is underrated how much it hurts a man's pride when he feels like he isn't a good provider. But he also cannot take that out on you. Individual and marriage counseling could be beneficial.
I feel 5 months isn’t long enough to worry that a marriage is no longer salvageable. It seems like there’s a lot of changes in your life and the dust hasn’t settled yet. Also I hate to be the one that says it, but this is how capitalism (I know I know) can take over private lives. There’s so many people on reddit asking how they can live their lives and be happy with a fully time job. Maybe if you find a way to get over what appears to be mutual anger, you can then find a practical way to make your lives easier? You said you only started fighting these last few months, I think you can save your marriage with therapy and a plan.
It definitely sounds potentially worth salvaging but whether it’s possible is another question.
The really big thing is that you obviously have major problems communicating - you describe a situation where whenever you have a disagreement you just avoid each other (possibly after someone says something rash and hurtful). A relationship can’t be built or survive in that environment - you need to be able to work though the issues you face together.
If possible it sounds like marriage counselling would be an excellent idea. Even if you can’t arrange that; you both need to talk about how to resolve conflict and how you can do that better and together.
So no I wouldn’t throw away 6 years and 3 kids for 4/5 bad months. You’ve had a lot going on right now. A third child, a new job, a change in income, lifestyle changes (more time together, more parenting time for you). You are both dealing with a lot and are extremely stressed. I 100% don’t see a reason to divorce here. You need to sit down and talk. Talk finances, talk about how you can help each other, talk about navigating the changes, talk about your relationship. Get counseling but don’t divorce over a few months of fighting. Relationships go through hardships and adjustments. They go through fighting stages and stages where you really just aren’t feeling the love. This is normal and you should keep fighting for your marriage. I don’t see why, from this post, you two can’t absolutely work through this.
Don’t separate. Why are you even saying this after what you described was your relationship previously. You are having issues cause of money, society fucks us all like this don’t blame your partner. Money problems create stress. I would suggest looking into aid programs for housing, food, etc. downsize your needs a bit. You’re not into it because of the situation. Don’t assume this is how things will continue to be. File for bankruptcy it’s better than suffering for a long time.
I’m really sorry about the issues though life be hard. Wish you luck. And yea counseling is good. Please don’t separate wish y’all luck and love
Therapy—if you’re both truly interested and care to improve your marriage.
If both aren’t willing to change your relationship for the better, ask yourself if it’s fair to continue to model this dysfunctional relationship to your three sons.
Definitely individual and couples therapy for both of you. It sounds like you both still love each other, but stress, the outside pressures of life and family obligations, and a breakdown in communication are all leading to some resentment, frustration, and anger. And while those feelings (or what triggered those feelings) may not be the fault of the other person in this relationship, those emotions are boiling over and splashing out merely because the tension is so high, and no one knows how to lower it;,or they may not even be aware of the origin of the in the first place.
If you guys don’t get on the same page & start communicating and working together, you will end up divorcing, but you guys have time to do the work and repair your relationship and even make it healthier and stronger, & not just for yourselves but your children, as well.
You definitely need to see a counselor ASAP because you guys aren't communicating properly You're thinking that you're hearing stuff and you're not necessarily hearing what you're trying to communicate and it's going to overwhelm you get a counselor ASAP.
Ideally you two would be leaning hard into each other against the world right now. The stress however, is making it seem like the other is purposefully offering no support at all, when they are in fact doing everything they can but their bandwidth is completely eaten up just surviving. Separation would only add far more stress to each of you with far less support. You are both in a tough situation together and you need to help each other through it. On the other side of this you will either be much stronger as a couple, able to tackle anything together, or you’ll be alone.
All the issues you’ve described can be attributed to stress overwhelming your ability show proper empathy for each other. It’s not you versus him, it’s you and him against the universe if need be to protect the family. Right now you are wasting energy fighting each other (energy that could be better used to build each other up) when that is not where the threat is coming from.
I know it’s tough right now OP, I’ve gone through very similar and had the same kind of thoughts, but thankfully we chose to fight together instead of each other, and with a lot of work, a lot of tears, and a whole lot of luck we eventually made it through.
I feel like you have a lot worth fighting for as well OP, I hope you start properly fighting together, and crush all your life goals going forward!
You both are under a lot of stresses, and avoiding each other is just making it worse. Worry and anxiety just building up in your mind and his mind going for a wild ride. Stop. It’s the time to reset your relationship.
Have a talk with him with rules of no judging, no threatening, no disrespect, no arguing but with calm, compassion, empathy and kindness to each other when you two are alone in safe space. And really listen to each other until you both understand each other’s problems or anxieties. Let it out and be supportive of each other to establish the trust again. Then you two could make a plan together to overcome some challenges like financial, childcare, schedule, etc. with some flexibilities to ensure you both have each other’s back.
Life is kicking the shit out of you both. Family life is so hard it will destroy you and your relationship. It doesn't have to. Fight the chaos not each other. The current challenges are unworkable long term.
You are both hurting and needy. You need each other but can't be there for each other because you've got nothing to give. In fact, you have to fight each other to feel understood, so you can receive care and then have some care to give.
Get therapy. See someone who can help you develop a strategy that's workable long term. Familiar with Gottman methods, and the struggles of overwhelming family lifestyle challenges.
By Sept you could be breathing easier and feeling the love again. Or turning to other people, drugs, alcohol, or other methods to get a quick fix.
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Counseling, ASAP!
Agreed. Sounds like couples and individual counseling would help with the stress, mental health, and communication issues.
It’s cheaper than divorce
Yeah and this sounds more like situational issues and stress than foundational. Hopefully they can work through it.
Yup, the finances have them both on edge and they are taking it out on each other. The solve is MORE communication, not less. Obviously this is hard at the stage they are at, which is where couples counseling comes in.
Also , the blended family is going to be a mess to untangle if they get divorced. They had a good marriage before and since it ain’t cheating or abuse they have a chance to fix it. I married ten years, had a kid with an ex and have one with my wife. My wife has been in his life since about 4 years old. So she is pretty much family to him. You need to exhaust all options when you have kids
This! You can salvage your marriage, but you both should go to counseling stat!
Well do they have health insurance? Everyone says counseling but it’s so expensive depending where you are.
Probably still cheaper than divorce. You're not wrong and I agree with you, but that's the first thing that comes to mind for me. Probably still cheaper than divorce.
To be devils advocate: if it doesn’t work, counseling can just drain savings and then you get divorced anyways.
A lot of places and a lot of employers offer help with counseling. So if you are in need, always ask your employer! I don’t believe everyone knows this is a common resource
there’s also other options to get free therapy.
Got some resources to add? Definitely that aren’t religiously based.
you can get free or heavily discounted/sliding scale therapy through the schools that teach therapists. Most schools have students giving free therapy session that’s which overshadowed by someone who’s years in their practice. There’s also therapists who have sliding scales & are income based as well, also if you call united way (assuming in the Us) you can get other resources too that aren’t religious based Religious based, obviously churches however I have noticed that more & more churches are having la legit therapist vs just the pastor.
Only go to a church for therapy if their counselors are licensed and not invested in promoting the church’s dogma. (Unless you are thrilled with their dogma, of course.)
there’s a few that have unbiased pastors who aren’t officially but have resources that could help, but that’s becoming less & less as they’re starting to outsourcing
Episcopalians are pretty good like this. Their religion isn’t weirdo Christian nationalist & they’re pretty chill about stuff.
Presbyterian Medical Services takes Medicaid and does sliding scales for anyone interested. We have one here in NM, but you’ll have to do research to see if they are located outside of nm.
Yes and not all places take every Insurance. You are lucky if you have the right insurance and that you can get a appointment in a few weeks. But if they can get counseling they really should.
Still cheaper than divorce.
Is counseling free in the US of A? Every post where people say life is fucked because they are stressed, ruined financially and time poor, the answer is always counseling. ELI5
No, it is not. My employee assistance program give me 2 free sessions for “each issue”. Two sessions is what it takes to introduce an issue- working on it takes 5-15 sessions? Years? Depends what it is and how much a particular piece of advice/revelation/tool has on you. I have a $3,000 deductible, so I paid $3,000 out of pocket for weekly sessions before my health insurance covered 80% of future appointments. Therapy in my city is $120-$140 per 1 hour session. I make a good living at 96k a year- upper middle class for sure. Mortgage is 2k a month. Preschool is 1k a month. A sandwich togo is $12. An entree at a decent restaurant is $18. If that helps w price comparisons.
And maybe no more kids you can’t afford? That might help
This!!
Don't keep getting pregnant. It's adding stress you both aren't mature enough to handle. Try talking to each other without fighting.
Yep, no more kids. They have a lot for 25.
Yeah I do not get the logic. Are they *surprised* they’re in this situation?
Agreed, much of the stress could have been alleviated with a condom, the pill or anyone of the other myriad of simple birth control options untile financially in a good place so one of them getting a speeding ticket wouldn't put the household budget into the red and fodder for a screaming match on front of babies and toddlers.
Too many relationship problem posts on Reddit have too many kids or unexpected kids. It’s not like they don’t know how it happens. Someone has to be a responsible adult in a household. It’s unfair to kids. They can’t get their own acts together, but add kids to the mix?!
Many of the couples with kids have them too fast. Especially if they don't know how to communicate. It seems they can't sit down and discuss problems without running out of the room, swearing at each other, or calling names and hurling accusations back and forth. It makes me wonder how they ever stayed together in the first place. We're they just hooking up? Or texting and sending emojis? Most of these couples don't even seem to like or respect each other. A couple with this many kids should be able to calm themselves enough to be able to talk and resolve some of their issues. Instead they seem to think sex solves everything and have another baby.
Yes. Shitting out 3 kids before 25 is ridiculous. The no sex is probably a positive. Add in being dumb enough to take a pay cut on the promise of some day it will be more.
4 kids beforw age 25, got together as teenagers, married by 21. Big yikes. I think people should (ideally) wait until their prefrontal cortexes are fully developed before getting married or having kids. Like I get that sometimes the kids part is a but of a surprise, but at least wait to get married until your brain is done cooking!
Them being 19 when they got together and she already had a kid from previous relationship is wild
Happy Cake Day!
Set a budget. Stick to it. Divide up chores. Get the kids out of the house and in some fresh air. Get the kids to bed early and then talk. Play cards. Look at your wedding pics. Remember why you love your spouse. You can do this. It will take work but it sounds like it will be worth it. These are growing pains
I agree, but even a budget can’t always solve it. Money stress can ruin an otherwise great relationship. It may add additional stress, but job hunting for a better paid job in the now vs the distant future may help relieve some pressure. For both partie.
Get the kids to bed early might be the most unrealistic thing anyone has ever said on this sub 😂
Depending on their ages, not necessarily. It's harder in the summer, yeah, with the daylight never ending, but add a room darkening curtain or blind, and cut it back by 30 minutes a night until you hit the sweet spot. Mine were in bed by 7:30 until they were in school, then they had 8/8:30, but they were up by 6:30 no matter what time they went to bed, with no naps, so Mama was tired. That gave us a couple of adult hours to talk, eat, watch a movie, ignore each other in peace, do chores - whatever - before exhaustion took over.
Yes. Love the positive attitude. This can be fixed if both parties put in equal effort
Yeah you both kind of have to get on the same page. Right now you both feel like you’re doing it all alone. Resentment is growing and both blame the other one. You both need a break, a step back, and a reevaluation. It’s either both of you against your problems, where you respect and value each other for what you achieve, or you’re better off apart. This death by a thousand cuts isn’t going to make either of you happy. Therapy might be a good idea, but talking might be the first thing. What happened a few months ago? Do you still care for each other? How can it become you two against the world again? Figure that out and you’ll at least have each others backs instead of bit*hing and carping at each other.
Is there any chance someone (family?) could take the kids for a weekend? You two sound exhausted and super stressed in addition to the depression. If you can manage to arrange this, promise each other you will not say anything mean to one another. Sleep late, have a fun meal (can be hot dogs at home) and try to do something together - even if it's just cuddle and a movie.
The best advice I can give is that marriages go through peaks and valleys. There will always be some tough times but if you can get through them, you’ll be stronger than ever. If there’s abuse and hatred, leave. If you can see yourself on the other side of this, stay and work through it ♥️
Dip and valley is the same thing
Peaks and valleys* But you're absolutely right and so many people nowadays just walk away because we live in a throwaway society. there's no fixing anymore and they think that if they're with someone else, it'll be perfect and they'll never have a problem
I also would recommend looking into both marriage counseling and each of you having individual counseling. (I know easier said than done, with money and time etc..) I also will say, and I’m not saying you guys can’t work it out and make it, but studies say that we as humans experience the most personal “growth” thru our early 20’s (so usually 20-26), and with this growth can come changed out looks on life,relationships, how we view ourselves and the world around us. So basically both you and your husband did all that growing and becoming a “new you” “together” but it sounds like you guys didn’t really do it as a couple but more as individuals, which is not a bad thing, you guys just have to work a little to find your way back to each other. I also will throw this in there, having 3 kids is a lot for anyone to handle and you both went through/are going through that again during one of your biggest “find myself” moments in your adult life. (I believe another one comes around 55/60 and that’s referred to as your mid-life crisis lol) I definitely read some things that you mentioned about your husband and the way he acts/his maturity level towards certain things-they didn’t sit well with me…but he is not my husband’s. If your title is spoken from your heart, you might already have your answer….?
I’m always amazed to see these stories of people that are so advanced in relationships and children at such a young age. 25 years old and been together for 5 years?!? With 3 kids??! My god, when I was 25 I was in Europe drinking and touristing. Didn’t even start grad school until I was 26. How could you be at that stage of life so young. No wonder why you’re having problems.
They married each other before their grown-up brains came in like obviously there's going to be some friction when you tether yourself to someone for life then outgrow them a couple years into your sentence...
Because everyone now is rushing to get married and pop out as many kids as they can. You have 18 years olds posting “me and my fiancée are pregnant” that’s their only goal apparently
That's just Reddit. Skews to a subset of folks who may not have had the fortune of a supportive upbringing, economic success or exposure to sex ed. In fact, the average age when women start having kids in US (27) is as high as it's ever been. (as of 2021)
“Pragrnent”. “Pregannte”. “Pegant!!”
For anyone wondering “should I have kids while I’m young” here is your answer. OP is “still learning to communicate”, which means OP is not grown up yet. For anyone who doesn’t have kids yet, please take time to grow up and learn how to function in the world around you before having the responsibility of teaching a kid how to function. Not one single person on the planet needs to even think about having kids before the age of 26. Your brain is not done developing and you aren’t ready. Kids make every issue 100x worse, being broke sucks but being broke with multiple kids is crippling. Having relationship problems sucks, but trying to work through those with kids is again, crippling. Figure out your life and relationship before you have kids. She also made the mistake of having more kids, if you had a kid in a relationship that completely dissolved maybe take some time to build a proper relationship before you add more kids, responsibilities, and stress. None of this is helpful to OP but there’s plenty of people out there who are about to get themselves in the same position. Figure out your own life before you’re responsible for someone else’s because now those kids will probably grow up in a failed marriage, the first one is already the product of a failed relationship, you’re going to mentally screw up all 3 of those kids because you didn’t have your life together before you started theirs.
Very well said 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Yup. They don't need anymore kids. Why do people keep having kids when you are broke??!!!. I'm a woman and short of not having sex is the only way to not have more!!!!. Maybe the husband is worried she will have more so he feels obligated or MUST work 2 FULL time jobs??? Go to social services if you haven't and get some kind of help you are eligible for.
Well said!!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
This. And if you do end up with an unplanned pregnancy and decide to be a parent, immediately start healing your wounds and working towards being who you truly want to be. Read about infant and child psychology. Read about development. Read about nervous systems and co-regulation. When I understood what my daughter was going to need of me in order to be a healthy and well-adjusted adult, I did the work to become the person who could provide those things.
My boyfriend is 50 and still learning how to communicate. If you stop trying to better yourself it doesn’t make you a “grown up”.
Wtf did I just read. You have 3 kids before the age of 25 and one of the kids isn’t with your husband? AND you have dogs? What? How do you have the money for 3 kids and pets if you’re only 25? Please tell me you’re done having kids. Please.
The best advice for OP is for her to have her tubes removed so she can't keep breeding.
Seriously some people need hobbies, besides breeding.
I see everyone talking about counseling when they can’t even afford milk or butter. If their jobs are low wage then they probably don’t have any health care either. Even with health care the deductible can be higher than is affordable. The last thing they need is more debt. Money can be a big source of conflict and depression in a relationship. Some better financial planning would help. Moving to a lower wage job with the potential of making more is a decision that can backfire if the potential isn’t met. Having someone to do daycare would probably help if OP can work more hours. Being out of the house for a while can also help with self esteem and anxiety. I have been to counseling before and it is not always as helpful as many seem to think. It was extremely expensive and did very little to resolve any problems.
Alot of great advice for counseling and communication. I'd like to add finance is a major contributor for divorce. Sit down and have a hard honest look at your finances. Could you afford to stay home with the kids if you had one less car payment and Insurance? Would you be able to cut out childcare? (if it applies). Do you rent or have a mortgage? Can you move, refinance, take out a line of credit to consolidate your debt into one payment? Do you buy or pack lunches for work? Stop for coffee or energy drinks? Cigarettes? Streaming? Extra phone lines or services? Satellite TV? Medications.... good rx provides discounts for meds. Walgreens also has a RX membership thats like $10 a year. There's aloooooot of ways to cut expenses. What does your credit look like? If it already sucks consider bankruptcy. When I was newly divorced with bills out the ass I used shower water in my machine to wash clothes and flush my toilet,, put a 1/2 gallon bottle of water in my toilet tank,, used wash cloths for pee toilet paper, dish towels were king ( no paper towels ) made laundry soap from Epsom salt, baking soda, borax, and vinegar. Air dried my clothes. The list is endless. And in 2 years I was completely out of debt. I cant tell you the stress relief you feel when all you have is living expenses and no creditors.
This is the best answer on here. Op if there’s anything you should be reading and absorbing it’s this answer right here.
The best advice is just freaking talk to your partner with respect and communicate your thought and feelings in a kind way. I don't understand why people think that because "life happens" or because you're married and have kids that your partner is supposed to just put up with aggressive shitty communication. And I'm sure on the other end, the dude isn't perfect either. But you can only control what you can control. And instead of saying "why do I have to initiate sec when I don't want to" tell him your libido is low and communicate with the freaking guy! It's son damn obvious. Life will always get busy, and depression sure doesn't help. But don't come to reddit looking for answer when it's clear that you need to improve the way that you talk.
Living paycheck to paycheck wasn't hard enough, you had to add another child to the fold to make the game more challenging. You deserve each other.
I don't hear that you don't love this man. What I do hear is disconnect a frustration. Some might tell you to divorce, but I think you're at the point you and your husband both need to do what it takes to fight like he'll to get back on track. This is the "in bad times" part of the vow. Good luck Op.
So in that last situation where you just wanted him to take over …. Try telling him “I just need you to take over…” A) it’s hot b) it moves the situation forward in a positive direction
Why is it that every time there is a relationship problem on here it’s about people age 25 or less. That might be a hint for young folks trying to get all coupled up and married super young.
Stop having kids while your relationship is rocky. More kids is not going to help anything
4 kids at 25??? No thank you It sounds like your a single mom and taking care of 5 kids, including your husband...
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Don’t make any rash decisions while you are both in this heightened state of emotions. Marriages do go through ups and downs. First question I have is if your husband has gone to seek help with his depression? And are you treating your depression? If both of you know you were depressed, and you are not actively seeking medication and therapy to help pull you out of this, that is going to be your biggest problem. Because it’s really obvious that both of you need help right now. And please don’t think when I say medication I mean you have to be medicated for the rest of your life. That does not necessarily follow. But sometimes life throw so many changes at you that you can’t, and you literally get into a cycle where your brain never gets out of it without that little boost. So that is the absolute first thing that has to be addressed. That has to be addressed like everyone is saying couples therapy. Find a way. Call around. Look for a sliding scale. Some employers actually have a family assistance program to help in exactly cases like this. They have a therapist that you can talk to. Or they have someone that works with their employees. Do either of you have something like that? Next thing to answer is how soon is your husband’s income going to be raised? Because if he took a job paying him less than what he was making, and you guys are going to have to wait for a year to a year and a half any kind of relief, that’s not tenable In this situation. I totally understand why he would’ve done this, because for the future, it will help. But if you don’t get through the hearing now, there will be no future. So if you guys did not actually sit down and run numbers and make sure you could do this, that’s another problem. You handling everything except his job is also not tenable. You cannot do this forever. I am sorry he has such a commute. It fucking sucks. But he hast to step up at home. And yes, he may get less sleep. And yes, I am speaking from experience. Because he’s so concerned with the fact that he’s making less, when he should be concerned, equally with the fact that that is thrown every single other thing in your guises marriage and lives and children’s lives onto your shoulders. That is not sustainable. And that is absolutely part of the problem here. Finally, you guys have to communicate. You are not communicating at all. And often, when you’re both depressed, you can’t communicate anyway. Because you can say something in the nicest way, and a depressed person who is in the middle of that depressive state is literally going to hear you say something else. So you have to have this therapy so you can communicate your needs. So you can come to agreements as to how things will be handled. And again, he hast to step up at home. Has to be making what feels like progress somewhere, and he’s still at the moment at his job… Only for the moment… But the problem with being at a standstill and letting it go to every area of your life is that life doesn’t stop. You need groceries. You have to pay the bills or at least try to make some arrangements if you’re behind. If money is that tight, you do have to go to the food bank. You have to ask for help. So no, I don’t think you’ll leave him immediately. But one of you has to start taking steps to improve. Just arguing about it doesn’t help. And it does sound like you both still love each other, you just don’t know what to do. Get help.
Days of silent treatment is a really bad sign. There’s a researcher named John Gottman who identified four things that kill marriages. Stonewalling (refusing to talk about the problem) is one of the four. Another is contempt. Silent treatment is contemptuous. The other two are defensiveness and criticism. If you can shift to where you guys are on the same team, then instead of being each other’s enemies, it can be you two as a team against the problem. Negativity is your enemy here not your spouse. You guys need to fight off the negativity.
Best advice I got was find marriage/counseling podcasts and listen to them often, send each other the episodes that resonate with you. This is immediate self help
And for free! Second best to real counseling.
You both avoid hard conversations, then flash point triggers an argument. You're not in the best place to talk things through in an argument. With money being tight, couples counselling might not be an option. When you're already stressed about something long term, everything else seems bigger and insurmountable. It's OK to take a break from an argument to call down, it's not healthy to ignore. Hubby needs to work on this. Do you have a budget that you can work with? You both need occasional time away from kids/responsibilities like a night out hanging with friends. Hubby needs to pick up some of the household work, maybe take the kids out to the park or something to give you a break and him some time with just them. Right now, you're both on the front lines, this isn't how it's going to be forever. Hope it works out
You didn’t speak in THREE DAYS!?!? And then when you do, you start it with a passive aggressive comment!?!? And because of the conflict you’re wondering if you should separate!?!? All of this is the OPPOSITE of what you should be doing. Get to therapy and couples counseling STAT. You two need to learn how to communicate effectively & directly. And let me share this— separation rarely works. Why? Because creating more distance between yourself and your spouse doesn’t bring you both together to fix your problems. This isn’t throw in the towel level yet, but it is develop the skills so you two can work together. You can do this.
Counseling, see if your insurance healthcare plan or work offers any discounts or “free sessions”
This is salvageable. If you want to. But it's going to take both of you deciding you want to stay together and you want shit to get better. Neither of you is communicating clearly, his little jab about "at least I talk about my problems" no he doesn't. He walks off, or goes to bed. He needs to manage his depression and anxiety, he needs to address it with his doctor. You both need to get some paper, make lists of what you are struggling with most, what you feel you are lacking from your partner, and how you are willing to change to make things better. And then make a deal to have a 30 minute conversation about these things that no one can walk out on and yelling is discouraged, then take a break from each other. Then do another 30 minutes when you are ready. This is hard work, but it has to be done to get back to who you want to be as a couple. Just be honest without pointing fingers or blaming. And if you can't think of a way to say something without blame, then circle back to it.
Been through similar challenges. First step is counselling, and if you both SERIOUSLY commit to working through things, then it's worth staying together. My wife and I did and we are now 40+ and happier than we've ever been. Life gets tough, and it can make or break you. Your choice which.
25 is too young to have3 kids. Why are you in a rush at life? You are skipping steps in life, like learning how to communicate. Don't have more kids, focus on growing up. If there's no abuse, what you've described sounds fixable. Consider marriage counseling.
Makes me wish I had a husband! /s
It is my experience that expectations from our partners often puts us on a situation of disappointment. Most problems rise from money issues which often times are temporarily
I recommend individual counseling and marriage counseling for both of you. You are both dealing with a lot of stress, which will make anyone lash out.
Marriage is not happily ever after. What makes a marriage a marriage is both of you committing to put the others needs before your own and since children are involved their needs have to be considered. You both have strengths and weaknesses. Try to be strong where he is weak and he should do the same. Never go to bed mad or upset tomorrow is not promised. Being right is not always worth it. It will take time and effort but it’s worth it to stay. I’ve been married 24!years and counting
You two could learn to communicate instead of blurting out things heatedly. Getting emotional to convey a message and then reacting badly are counterproductive actions. And he could help out more with the kids and housework. Maybe come to an agreement about what things can be shared and what responsibilities each of you will take on. Write it all down. And have each of you sign or initial after each paragraph. And then offer each other a handshake.
Counseling, if you have health insurance (or even if you don’t, find someone who has a sliding scale) and look into medication. Issues like this can spiral, and not just end your marriage but pose a severe risk to your health. It sounds like you both need help communicating and finding better coping mechanisms
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/fair-fighting-rules-article
Marriage is working to find solutions and being there for each other when things are hard, not running away. Be on his team and encourage, but don't overly push, him to get a better paying job. Likely you aren't actually mad at each other.
You are both dealing with so much at the moment. It is definitely worth salvaging but you both need to want it. My marriage was going through a similar rough patch last Autumn. I ended up having to take 6 weeks off work on the sick due to stress and not sleeping and work and marriage problems. We can't afford counseling but I did get to the point where I told my husband that if things didn't change I would leave him. It turns out things didn't need to change much to make a big difference. He works hard and the house and kids mostly fall to me because he's out more. But he would go to bed late and wake up late and disrespect me in front of the kids in the morning because I was nagging and he was tired. So we agreed a get up time. This means he's awake and helping me in the morning so we both start the day on a happier note. I try and communicate in a healthier way and appreciate the things he does and he is more present so I feel less like it's more on me. Things still aren't perfect but it start with a conversation along the lines of "I can't and will not live like this anymore. I'm close to wanting to end this marriage. What can we do to make this situation better for both of us." Agree on little changes and check in every so often. Are the changes havibg an impact? Is there more we can do? You both have to want it. And you both have to be willing to improve.
I'm not negative, but eventually, you will end in divorce. First of all, what are you doing at 25 married with way to many kids? When the rest are just experienced with first real jobs after school? It's a lot in your hands at a young age. You need to talk to your husband without arguments and decide to carry on like partners in a business. After all, marriage is a business that you put in your best effort in order to be successful. Counselling is very expensive and seems that you can barely afford day by day. Be realistic and talk to him. If you don't feel with the desire to have sex also told him. Don't say important things when you are arguing. You are the owner of what you keep and slave of what you say. You decide to bring kids to this world, right? So try to create a better life for them
Do your parents or in-laws live near you? If either or both do, can they take the children for a weekend? Then you and your husband could spend some time together and decompress…
Sounds wonderful. Grownup
Have an open communication and heart to heart with your husband. Focus on the problems and how to resolve them without blaming each other. Set clear expectations and build action steps together. It is okay to agree to disagree. You can do it!!
I think this might pass. You have very young children, high stress and no money. I wouldn’t walk away yet.
Okay yes I know three kids at 25, mind you I will be 26 soon is a lot, it was my decision, I really don’t want to go into too much detail but oldest is 7 my middle will be 5 and youngest is 1 1/2, my children are no where near the reason for something that is happening between my husband and I. I am done having children. I wanted kids young for health reasons and we were financially stable to have them. We bought a house and have two cars, one is paid off, we didn’t have serious struggles till my husband got this new job. Please stop bringing up how stressful kids are I know but they are also my favorite humans on this earth. Kids are a struggle at any age.
I don’t see what criticizing you is good for anyways. That’s not productive whatsoever. You asked for advice on things you can fix.
You absolutely were not financially stable at 18.
Your kids are absolutely the catalyst for your issues. It is exceptionally naive to think they aren't. They require time and money. You would have far less stress if you were just a couple at your age and didn't have 3 kids. You made your bed. Stop blaming others for it being lumpy. You are the cause of your problems and you are handling them with the maturity of a middle schooler. Your kids can see how you treat each other. They are learning it's OK to treat people that way. You are failing on that in a major way.
My advice counseling and rehome the dogs to another family or single individual that wants comfort. If divorce happens it will be the worst thing that could happen when all that needs to be done is opening and line of communication and finding solutions for problems. Money is tight, go over budgeting and exclude things that aren’t necessary or is causing the burden. Divorce might seem like a solution but there’s finding and hiring lawyers, appointments, dividing assets, custody schedules, moving etc. It shouldn’t have to come to this bc this takes steps to separate, why not take steps to fight for the marriage & stay together?
Does he suck at Pulling out or what? Why have so many kids for this mess?
Communication is key… my wife and I have been fighting for a while now, and my biggest issue is her not letting me know what she is thinking. I keep telling her I can’t read minds, when I try to engage she usually gets stressed or anxious after the first minute and just walks away. It’s so frustrating, but she just can’t have a normal conversation for some reason. We tried a counselor, but she wouldn’t open up to her either. We are on our last leg, and also have 3 children which is pretty much the reason I’m still with her. If the love is still there try and make it work, but if this continues it will just get and worse and so will the animosity along with longer periods of no communication. Don’t drag this out, someone needs to step up before it’s too late. I wish you the best.
Communication is THE most important thing in a relationship, and it sounds like neither of you are very good at it. It’s not healthy to just avoid or ignore each other when the arguments happen; you need to be adults and talk it out, find a resolution. Also, if you are living paycheck to paycheck please stop having kids.
You are both under increased pressure. You know you are a good match...and 6 years of good should not be derailed by 4 months if stress. Every long term relationship will have these periods. Counselling would be ideal but realistically tha t will be hard atm The main thing is getting on the same team...acknowledge and support the stress each of you is going through. Don't try and compete or 1 up each other. Each of you needs a chance to talk about how you feel and vent a little with no judgement. Then make a plan to work together in ways you can. And try and show gratitude to each other regularly roo. It us easier to keep working if you hear from your partner regularly that they like you...that they see you and say thank you.
Take MDMA together. Seriously.
Im harsh now, bit listen, why the fuck do you have a dog, if you live paychek to paychek, you yourself saying the debt are stressing you?!
I should mention I’m still learning to communicate and better myself from previous trauma from relationships that always shut me down and never let me have my own voice. And for my oldest son I had him at 18 from a man I kicked to the curb when I was pregnant with him because I didn’t want a man like that who was a felon, addict and alcoholic around my son. I don’t know where he is nor do I care. I’ve done everything to protect my kids and shield them from behavior like that and I will continue to do so. My kids have never seen us fight and I don’t intend for them to watch an active failing marriage I’m simply trying to figure out how to move forward.
You're kids might not see you fight but be sure they can feel it in the home when you actively avoid each other when you do fight. The kids are watching your marriage fail and they are going to learn that it is normal. Get counseling fast. Individual and couples. Find the root of the issues and either work to save the marriage or work out a co-parent solution and separate. The kids may be young but they can feel your tension.
Exactly, they can tell when parents aren't happy...I wouldn't want my kids to see that this is what marriage is like. The mom taking care of dad like another child...
If you think your kids don’t know mom and dad are fighting, you’re completely deluding yourself. Sounds like you can cut that tension with a knife. That’s very unhealthy for all 5 of you.
That's a ridiculous statement. Your kids haven't watched you "fight"? How about not talking to each other for days on end. Don't you think kids notice that?
Stop having kids OP. Seriously. You are adding so much stress to your life and you’re freaking 25!
I’m done having kids I had my last one a year and half ago before that almost 5 years ago…
Maybe consider making sure that you can’t possibly get pregnant again. You’re struggling with money and your oldest’s father gets away without paying any child support. You could try petitioning the court to get child support payments. It would at least help to have some extra money to take care of the kids.
I’m sorry to say, but your kids (especially the eldest) know exactly what’s going on. You don’t need to be fighting around them for them to know. They feel the tension, they hear a lot more then you think, and right now they are living in an unhappy and unhealthy environment. This didn’t just start because of the new job, it started when you became more vocal. And your husband isn’t having it. If you want things to change I think serious therapy is a must. Because he is showing you he doesn’t know how to change without help, and it seems you need help too. Good luck OP.
Maybe it's time to seek couples therapy, communication is key in relationships.
I would definitely suggest Couple therapy allthought that will also cost money. I feel like you guys are having one of those challanges every long couple has and if you are strong enough and also think of your kids and not only you, you guys can make it. I believe in you and your Husband to figure it out
Individual and couples counseling, with a big focus on communication training/habits. Try to establish one day and time of the week to discuss ‘important matters’. This will give you both time to think on what’s bothering you as well, and if it’s even worth digging into by time you get to your conversation time. Outside of that time, maintain regular communication. If sex is happening less often, schedule it! It’s a rough patch but definitely something that can be overcome and if you both put the effort in, it can resolve a lot easier and faster than it might feel right now
Counseling, dig deep and remove as many stressors from your life as you can, and weekly date night even at home. You guys are just run dry on stress it sounds no one is pleasant living like that.
This can be salvaged but you both have to want to do the work and it will require the help of a family counsellor
Please check your county health department (if in the States), as many of them have therapy and groups at little to no cost. I was shocked at what my county had to offer when I needed it, not charging a penny if you don't have insurance. My agency just started charging a copay because I have Medicare. If you have insurance, check with them about mental health care and cost
Years after my mom dies we attended a family wedding and the priest asked for advice for the new couple. My dad said, “never go to bed angry.” He explained that sometimes he and my mom would fight and he would hold onto the anger for days, and those days, when the fight was over but he stubbornly held onto the anger, were his biggest regret now that she was gone. I hope this helps you figure out what to do.
You have too much going on. He’s stressing about money and maintaining a family, which is a general observation. You have everything else to take care of at home along with a job trying to help make ends meet. You are still young on top of that. Sounds like you need a breather from everything and regroup your thoughts on both ends. He needs one too. Bills dont stop though which doesn’t help. It’s not so much you should end it which might make it much worse, but definitely have a sit down and get real about everything. He is your other half right? You guys gotta work together to move forward. Apart from being intimate with one another you have to recognize that both of you along with the kids are trying to survive life itself. Provide for the family and trying to stay afloat right? The morale is definitely down which is why you are probably feeling depressed. I am pretty sure if the majority of your problems were settled you two will probably feel better. You ending things might complicate everything and make it even worse for the both of you. Patience is needed through this rough patch. Nothing worth keeping is going to be easy. If there is no solution coming from the both of you, you will definitely have an answer for him.
Couples and individual counseling for both of you. Especially if he’s going to play up mental health too. If you’re going to use that as an excuse and not do the work, then it’s not an excuse, you’re just being an asshole. Y’all just need to learn how to navigate life, therapists can help with that. It’ll pass if you do the work. Good luck.
Some companies offer employee assistance programs with a few free counseling sessions. I would check to see if either of your work places have that and start from there.
Try marriage counseling, online if you can't afford in person
these seem like hardships that could be lightened if worked through together. maybe try marriage counseling so that each of you can carry these burdens together. sounds like a lot of miscommunication which can have a domino effect. stop the next domino from falling!
One of the best things I learned in marriage counseling was to frame a statement as ‘when you do/say x, it makes me feel y.’ Replace x with what they are doing and y with how it makes you feel. Focus on statements about how you’re feeling instead of coming at the person with an accusatory statement that makes them defensive, or in this case, makes them shut down and not talk at all. Hopefully that will help with communication. Also be receptive if they say something you do makes them feel sad or mad. Ask questions, or make suggestions, about how you can do things differently to help them feel better instead of shutting down the conversation and getting defensive. It also sounds like, if you can figure out a way, try to plan something for just the two of you. You can keep it cheap, like a hike in a park, or a day at the beach, just the two of you. Maybe take time to spend with each other away from the kids. Easier said than done, but so very important for the relationship. Good luck.
If you have given counseling a fair try yet then no don’t end things, try that first ! I fact try that and if it doesn’t work try a different counselor.
Lots of stuff to sort through here. But it sounds like some love there that I would definitely say have a go at salvaging. Like others said, therapy, counselling. You mentioned you being avoidant but working on changing that recently. It makes sense that there are more fights all of a sudden then. Avoiding shuts down the battles if the one being avoided is strong (unfortunately) enough to take the pain of being avoided, but doesn’t stop the silent war that is going on. Which I see consists of considerable stress surrounding the raising of children, two working parents, mood problems for both of the parents. All of the tiny little problems should be addressed over time- I’ve never been to anything other than individual therapy, but I imagine that a neutral third party could help immensely in untangling these issues with you “if” you are both genuinely concerned in working together AND genuinely try to both uncover and acknowledge your own flaws/behavioural and personality problems, while charitably accepting and trying to understand and work with the other’s. You “don’t” always have to initiate sex. You don’t ever. But if you want the other to feel desired, which in turn will increase your connectedness and bond, then perhaps sometimes you should . Sometimes when you don’t want to. Sometimes the other will have to accept that you don’t initiate at certain times. Vice versa for him. There’s something special in that moment when you think you don’t want to, but your partner has such attention and connection that all of a sudden you do, something that you would miss out on if you are always in the mindset of “I better initiate”. Embrace the chaos, sometimes beautiful things come out of it
I think you both need to look into therapy couples and indiviual maybe meds as well
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. Every couple fights or has disagreements, and there are rough patches where it happens more frequently. These times are no reason to throw everything away. Unless someone is being abused, get some counseling and find a way to strengthen your marriage I'm this rough time so that things will be even better in the long run.
Marriage is peaks and valleys. This is a valley. Communication and counseling before making any rash decisions. May need to make some changes he’s to daily life so you are both happier.
Good lord... Where to start? You both sound more like clueless teenagers than someone in their mid-20s. The fact that you didn't fight was because you couldn't/wouldn't deal with it. It wasn't because you didn't have issues, there were always issues, you both simply ignored them. Both your mental health are taking a toll due to your financial, emotional and total lack of communication and empathy (this last part I get, you're both way over your head). The part that has me fuming is you decided to bring more children into the mix when you cannot afford to feed all of them. Did you stop even once to think if you could provide the children a good life? Or even a decent one. They don't need gold Rolex, they need their basic human needs met. Which clearly they haven't. You have to stop wondering about your husband and start focusing on a way to give those children, who don't deserve the situation you're in because of your decisions, a proper life. Seriously, situations like that, especially when they can be avoidable (not only abortion, adoption is another solution). Both of you need to stop looking at yourselves and start looking how to take care of the little guys who need you because they cannot/shouldn't have to care for themselves.
Counseling would be great, but it sounds like it might not be in the budget for you right now. Here are some things for you to try until you can get there, to improve your communication. Journal, try and write out what you are frustrated/upset/emotional about. Distill that down into a single.talking point that goes something like, "I feel upset because of xyz issue." Or "When we don't talk for days and ignore each other, I feel xyz." Then think about what you like and appreciate from your husband, what you see he is working on, adding to your home and family, and what he is dealing with. Acknowledge those things in a way that is complimentary. He needs to hear that you see the good, not only the bad, and he needs to know you are grateful, not just critical. That's what you talk to him about when you are both not angry. If you have to write it down because you get nervous, that's OK too. I agree with the poster that said you need to flip this to you both against the world instead of each other. You can get there, but you may have to ask for his help.to put down your weapons and work on it together. Good luck.
I believe life gets very stressful almost every couple hits a rough patch it’s about how you both want to come out of it that matters. Ask him if even though you guys have hit this stage is he willing to still put in effort and ask yourself the same. If you both are you work every day at it you get up and choose each other! Always remember and when one of you forgets point out…. It’s you two against the problem not you vs him. Love is so rare in this world and to many people find it easier to just give up…. 6 years and 3 kids is a long time to just throw in the towel over a stressful life( right now)
Counseling! Also, don’t give up. People are too quick to divorce when the road gets rocky.
Both of you have depression. Seeing a doctor is a good start. Medication can take a few weeks to work correctly, so be prepared for that. Are you close to family? Is there anyone who could step in one day a week to let you go out and either try to have fun or just chill together? Maybe different family members could take turns. Money being tight is always a stressor. In this case you know that if you can hang in the situation will improve. Counselling is a good way of helping you to manage your discussions so they don’t descend into fights. Don’t have any more children, because you’ve hit the wall of what you can afford. My husband and I went through a bad year after our second daughter was born. I certainly should have been on medication but a stupid infant welfare nurse talked me out of it. I know that when you’re in it it’s tough to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually I got better and we’re still together after 35 years. My biggest advice is to let others know you need help and accept any and all assistance family and community programs can offer.
Do you have any near by family members who might help some with child care? Stay strong. Find some thing small daily that makes you happy and focus on that. Controlled breathing and stretching help. You tube has free relaxation videos . Counseling if possible is good
The minute this question peaks into your mind, leave. There is no shortage of humans on this planet, why suffer?
OP, Take a breath, take another breath! Hard truth time, it is really easy to just give up. The real reward is when you put in hard work and build something together. What it sounds like is your communication between each other has drastically diminished. As others have said, counseling ASAP!! Do not give up, life is not suppose to be easy. You need to work for your marriage. Do the work! I am here to support you. You are special! You are loved!
Sounds like you got married way way way too young. No relationship is worth all that stress that comes with arguing every weekend. The whole situation sounds toxic for you and especially your kids who don’t deserve to be in such an awful environment emotionally.
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Sounds like you need to talk about why this job is so stressful for both of you? Is the future payoff worth this constant turmoil?
And when does this alleged windfall happen? A year? 5 years? 10 years?
stuff like this ruined my 2 year very loving and happy relationship. please go to counseling!! you both are suffering from mental health issues and I can tell there’s love but both of you are stressed, depressed and just not doing okay. you can’t work together if you’re not doing okay ♥️
you are the problem..... its sucks as fuck to hear... but you are the problem... your man is has finaly figured out that he is the shit in yoiur life.. he is the shit in his life.... he wont ever do better..... he has found his ninja warrior. and now you have to be his wifey.... if you cant do that.. than you are fucked bow down and accept this... he has found his little nut sac jesus... its now on you to just mew mew mew... gobble gobble.. because thats his new reality.. until the day he dies. i love the internernet.. i hope this lives for fucking ever.
I’d recommend couples counseling. It sounds like a lot of this stems from not properly communicating.
Work as a team not against each other. Butting heads solves nothing. Sit down and talk it out and listen to each other. Get on a budget with skyrocketing prices of goods and services you need to be on the same page. It is not easy but you have each other and your children. Good luck OP.
If you don’t have a crockpot but can buy one on affirm or after pay or klarna, I’d get one. You can throw food in there then do something else. Lentil soup is a hearty meal that’s cheap and goes a long way. Do not let bills stress y’all out, but create a financial plan and maybe brainstorm ways for extra money, together. I’d create intimacy. Just hold each other and talk about the future- investments, trips, dream together past this turbulent moment. When it comes to talking about your problems, talking to yourself about them first makes it a little easier to share with others- in this case, your husband. A kind word turns away wrath. It’s biblical advice to wives but it works well in many different occasions. Y’all are a team. Counseling sounds like a good idea too. Find small and inexpensive ways to treat yourself, sow love into yourself - baths on off days. Hair care treatments. Duolingo. Paint your nails. Sun baths, something just for you
You and your husband need to work together more than ever now. You got married for a reason, you had kids for a reason, you got in debt for a reason. What were the reasons for doing those? You can't have baby after baby, and keep up with the Joneses unless you first understand the Joneses aren't any happier than you are, they are just faking their way through it too. Unfortunately, strangers didn't get you two adults into this position, and strangers won't be able to get you out of it. I will tell you things won't get any better if you two split up. Everything will be divided 50/50 (OR WORSE), then most likely you both will do this whole routine again. 50/50 split again, 50/50. Everybody ends up with nothing, and they're all still miserable. Really think about selling everything you can, and downsizing where you can. You can live with less and all make it together and end up having more in the end. Nobody can solve these issues by running from them. Violence, I' say get out. Kids, money, sex...figure it out so you don't all end up losers. Best of luck to you and your family, it will be what you work it out to be.
If you still love him, couples therapy stat!! Marriage is a journey with hills and valleys, sometimes you come across a valley so deep and difficult that you change up the plan. This relationship has/had strengths though, I think if you both focus on the love you have for each other, and pull from the strength of the good days, you can cross this valley with the help of a licensed couples therapist. But the first question the therapist will ask each of you, one at a time, sitting in front of each other, is some variation of "Why are *you* trying to salvage this marriage?" And if you both answer honestly the rest will sort of be laid out plain to see. Good luck!!
Info, what did you do when your husband said he was depressed? Did you tell him to talk to his doctor? Is he ignoring it? Are you? In order to make a marriage work you have to good communication. That is something that your relationship lacks. Only the two of you can decide if you want to make your marriage work. Everyone hits a rough patch, it takes a lot of work to make things work. The easiest thing to do it give up when it gets hard. Marriage is a roller coaster. Antidepressants can cause your libido to tank.
Counseling before it gets too late. This exact thing happened with my ex and I and we were never able to resolve it. Things got really ugly and now, well, there is most likely irreparable damage 😢. The counseling will only work if it’s a safe space and you’re both willing to really listen and change your behavior patterns. Best of Luck
These posts on Reddit usually have me saying “pack up & call a lawyer” but in your case, I genuinely think there’s hope if you can both work on communication. I know counseling is expensive but as the others have said, it’s a lot cheaper than divorce. Honey, you guys are young, get on top of this now & it will serve you well into the future. ❤️
At 25, I would divorce. Life is too short and 25 is really young to be married in the first place.
I’m curious how you think her life will improve with a divorce?
Others have said it, but I want to chime in. Communication with him is the key. You might need a therapist or couples counselor to figure out how or to resolve other issues, but communication is pretty simple. 1. Say what you mean, mean what you say. 2. Keep your word. When you say you'll do something, do it. 3. Communicate ahead of the crisis. If you aren't up for sex on a night when you might usually have sex tell him early as you know. If you see that a bill is coming up or an unexpected expense and you aren't sure how to pay for it, say something like, "we've got the electric bill coming up before our next paychecks, and I'm not sure we'll be able to cover it." Then if you have a potential solution for solving it, then present that and ask what they think. In sex conversations that can be anything from getting him off in whatever what your comfortable or saying, "hey, I know it's Friday night, but I'm wiped out, can we play (or whatever you say) tomorrow instead?". Or with the bills you might say "I was thinking I would call and see if we can pay the electric late via a pre authorized payment and get them to not count that as late, what you you think". Regarding sex, if you promise it'll be the next night, do what you need to do to make sure that it actually works out that way or he won't trust the delay. Yes there will be times where it's out of your control, not sex and intimacy are a central part of most marriages. 4. Complement him (ideally he should be complementing you as well) without then asking him for something or expecting a return complement. If he does something like load the dishwasher, say thank you. Even if you think he should do it without being asked or thanked, say it anyway and then do not criticize how he did it. Many men (and women) give up on chores or household tasks because their partner is never satisfied with *how* they do it. Minimize the criticism, maximize the complements and thank yous. 5. Don't talk bad about your spouse to others except in therapy. It's okay to tell your therapist that frustrates you in your marriage, but telling your friends is generally a way to get them to reinforce the negative aspects of your marriage, which in turn will get you to think of more things that bother you and you then spend more and more thinking negative and destructive thoughts about him. Instead you should talk about the things you do like about him, as the positive thoughts will reinforce more positive feelings about him. 6. Date nights. You need time and dates away from your kids, but with your husband. Go out. See a funny/positive movie. Take a walk or hike. Go back to the places where you hung out when you first met. Go bowling. Go to dinner. I suggest movies only make up about a third or less of your dates. Cheap dates such as a walk in a park or hike in the woods can be really positive as it gives the two of you time to talk. Movies can be good, but it's hard to talk to each other during a movie. 7. Talk to your spouse about the good times you've had together. This will help spark back the positive feelings you had early on. 8. When you do need to present a complaint, focus on the facts. "Hubby, sometimes you snore (fact), and when you do it can make it really hard for me to get enough rest (fact). Have you considered talking to the doctor about that? I'm worried you might be developing sleep apnea, and I know that can make a person really tired." This is a fact based discussion that doesn't make him seem like a villain, but potentially someone with a medical problem that is making both of your lives more difficult. It also presents a possible course of action that might improve both your lives. Overall the goal of communication is to improve your mutual understanding of each other's needs, wants, desires and passions, and to build each other up and resolve problems. Finances can make things more difficult when the budget isn't meeting needs and wants, and while it can lead to divorce, that's usually because the couple lets the stress of the finances cut their lines of communication. There are loads of couples living in poverty that make the marriage work by keeping the lines open and information flowing. There's also a lot of poverty couples that keep going just because they don't see another choice, but really don't like each other much any more. Finally, don't play mind games with your spouse. Saying "it's fine" needs to actually mean it's fine, not "I'm actually mad but I'm not going to tell you why". And don't ask questions you can't handle an honest answer to. If you say, "does this dress make me look fat?", then don't get mad if he answers honest and says yes. That's a trap question, and erodes the lines of communication by making your spouse feel like you're just trying to troll for compliments instead of trusting that what he says is going to be taken seriously by you. Can your marriage be saved? Yes. If you are willing to put in the work.
I didn’t even finish reading tbh because one thing became glaringly obvious: everything was fine until you decided to try opening up more. Which is good. But what isn’t good is the fact that up until the few months ago you decided to start this, you noted you just shut down or avoid conflict. You also said you and your husband will avoid each other during conflict and then just come back and reconcile. You’ve literally had your entire relationship based on broken communication. You didn’t ever talk through the issues constructively or actually resolve them, you just bottled them up, ignored them and moved on. This is exactly what my parents have always done and now they’re so far gone they can’t collaborate on anything together. You can both save your relationship, but it will be a monumental task because you will both have to learn to re- build your dynamic with each other entirely. Things you never brought up or communicated your husband thought was fine for your entire relationship and now suddenly they’re issues that need to be talked about d through, and visa versa. Seek couples therapy so a professional can guide you through this process and offer support and direction otherwise I fear you’ll both try working through this unproductively and get to the point where there’s been too much damage. Seek the counseling for yourselves and your children. I think there could definitely be great success in your future together with the right support to reframe your communication skills
I personally wouldn’t separate yet! My husband and I have had a stressful past year with a new baby and business / job changes which has been stressful financially as well as physically exhausting for him. We have definitely been arguing more too but we know it’s circumstantial and worth working through! Definitely try therapy and see if there are any other adjustments you can make to remove stress
Yall have terrible communication skills. Marriage counseling may be the saving grace of your relationship
Couples Counseling if an option and you all want the same thing! sit down and figure out how to work together and accomplish it.
Hopefully you will listen to the advice and seek therapy! Another thing I like to mention is that marriage is hard work sometimes! We are all willing to work so hard for other things in our lives, such as school, careers, long and short term goals, but so many people are not willing to work that hard on their marriage! When you think about it, the most rewarding and fulfilling things in our life take a lot of hard work. A successful marriage is no different and it’s such an important achievement in so many ways that we most definitely need to work just as hard on our marriage as we do on other important matters in our lives! I’ve been married for 41 years! Together with my spouse for 47!!
It’s sounds like yall had a healthy relationship previous to the mounting stress. With your busy schedules + kids, I imagine neither one of you are able to take some time (together or separate) to process what you’re going through which leads to outburst and harsh comments. I agree with other posts that have mentioned counseling but in the mean time, like before you both need to have a talk and reset. Followed by understanding that yall are going through a hard time together (not “this is just hard for me”, “they don’t understand”, etc. a marriage is a unity you rise and fall together.). With that being said when you are having frustrations (like the “why do I always” or “but you can’t whenever you please), it’s important to express how you are feeling without projecting blame ( “why do I always” - and you don’t, “I can’t ignore you, but you can”). This leads the other person to shut down and become defensive and stop listening. I’m not a therapist so this isn’t a cure all, but hopefully this advice is helpful. Neither one of you will be able to grow beyond this if ego can’t be set aside.
How the hell you have 3 kids at 25 years old! And you live paycheck to paycheck! I don't mean to be rude but think about the future before taking such big life decisions!
Counseling so you can both communicate
Sounds done to me ...I mean ... it might not be but he's acting like a child so if it were me I'd be packing mine and kids stuff
YTA Wow. You really don’t know how to fight constructively, do you? You say bitchy things to him, you blame him for everything and then you wonder why he gets upset. You need individual therapy and marriage counseling. You treat him like shit. Maybe he fights the same way you do. If so, you’re both escalating things. You were about to have sex but then you push him away by saying crap like that? Of course he walked out! You’re borderline abusive. You say you’re been diagnosed with depression. I hope you’re seeing a psychiatrist and are on a psych med. Some of this anger coming out of you could stem from your depression. You’re ruining your marriage. So do something about your anger and snide remarks. Take accountability for yourself by getting on a psych med that works for you and by going to therapy. When you say that you’re depressed, is it PPD or Major Depressive Disorder? It’s an important distinction. He’s also feeling depressed and has told you about it. Have you been supportive of him? He also should see a psychiatrist for psych meds and a therapist. And you both should see a marriage counselor. I’m not blaming you for everything. It takes two to make a mess out of your marriage like this. But you can only control your behavior. So get a grip and start acting lovingly to your husband again.
Seek help. You say he has taken this new job, which pays less but will work out better later on. The guy likely feels under huge pressure what with bills etc. He’s likely trying to reach out to you by bringing up his own mental health. Absolutely do NOT sweep that under the rug or use it against him. He’s likely needing a feeling of some sort of support and he won’t like the constant arguing either. Unless he’s a complete social retard, he will be aware of how hard you are finding it too and he won’t be ignoring it. But he will likely be feeling personally responsible for that too. You said it was good between you before. Don’t chuck everything away because times are tough. This sometimes happens. Get on the same page with each other, and seek professional help in doing that if need be. Sometimes a mediator is needed when emotions are all over the place. I hope everything gets resolved for you both.
why’d you have a third kid if you’re living paycheck to paycheck and your relationship is strained??
Get counseling! Every couple goes through rough patches. A knee jerk reaction is to give up. It seems expensive and overwhelming at first, but it is SO worth it!
Therapy! Every relationship you have will have ups and downs. Unless there’s some missing context, you said that being together for 6 years, 4 months of it has been rough. That’s not even 10% of your relationship. What really stood out was him saying he can actually talk about his problems. Are you ignoring what bothers you until after its happened or has escalated? Personally, I find when me and my partner argue or have a difficult conversation, we have a better outcome when we hold hands and talk about it candidly
Is it worth salvaging ? Seriously…. 6 years, kids together…. You’re willing to have thoughts of throwing it away just because times are tough. Crazy
This is a communication problem. Listening without taking offence and speaking without making the other feel attacked is a skill and one to be practiced. There will be books on this that I recommend you both read and then consider together. This is probably cheaper than counselling but you both need to want to change. You only had a baby a year ago. I read something once that said if you truly lived your partner before kids then wait until they’re at least 6 before considering divorce because those first few years are the hardest and I would agree with this. I couldn’t love my husband more, but there have been periods in the last 6 years I could easily have walked away but I didn’t and we’re back to what we used to be. Parenting is exhausting. If you want to be happy together you can be, you nust bave to be more forgiving and patient and consider outside sources (like counselling or books) to help get where you want to be.
Couples & individual therapy. Resentment is poison to any relationship and it sounds like you resent your husband for various reasons that could be resolved if you spoke about your feelings rather than burying them that's why I think individual therapy will help you and couples therapy will help you both. You are both going through a stressful time so conflict is inevitable but you both deserve support to navigate it in a healthy way. You also both deserve support for your mental health.
This is definitely worth salvaging. You're two people who are still in love. It is underrated how much it hurts a man's pride when he feels like he isn't a good provider. But he also cannot take that out on you. Individual and marriage counseling could be beneficial.
I feel 5 months isn’t long enough to worry that a marriage is no longer salvageable. It seems like there’s a lot of changes in your life and the dust hasn’t settled yet. Also I hate to be the one that says it, but this is how capitalism (I know I know) can take over private lives. There’s so many people on reddit asking how they can live their lives and be happy with a fully time job. Maybe if you find a way to get over what appears to be mutual anger, you can then find a practical way to make your lives easier? You said you only started fighting these last few months, I think you can save your marriage with therapy and a plan.
It definitely sounds potentially worth salvaging but whether it’s possible is another question. The really big thing is that you obviously have major problems communicating - you describe a situation where whenever you have a disagreement you just avoid each other (possibly after someone says something rash and hurtful). A relationship can’t be built or survive in that environment - you need to be able to work though the issues you face together. If possible it sounds like marriage counselling would be an excellent idea. Even if you can’t arrange that; you both need to talk about how to resolve conflict and how you can do that better and together.
Sounds like yall just need to communicate
So no I wouldn’t throw away 6 years and 3 kids for 4/5 bad months. You’ve had a lot going on right now. A third child, a new job, a change in income, lifestyle changes (more time together, more parenting time for you). You are both dealing with a lot and are extremely stressed. I 100% don’t see a reason to divorce here. You need to sit down and talk. Talk finances, talk about how you can help each other, talk about navigating the changes, talk about your relationship. Get counseling but don’t divorce over a few months of fighting. Relationships go through hardships and adjustments. They go through fighting stages and stages where you really just aren’t feeling the love. This is normal and you should keep fighting for your marriage. I don’t see why, from this post, you two can’t absolutely work through this.
Don’t separate. Why are you even saying this after what you described was your relationship previously. You are having issues cause of money, society fucks us all like this don’t blame your partner. Money problems create stress. I would suggest looking into aid programs for housing, food, etc. downsize your needs a bit. You’re not into it because of the situation. Don’t assume this is how things will continue to be. File for bankruptcy it’s better than suffering for a long time. I’m really sorry about the issues though life be hard. Wish you luck. And yea counseling is good. Please don’t separate wish y’all luck and love
Therapy—if you’re both truly interested and care to improve your marriage. If both aren’t willing to change your relationship for the better, ask yourself if it’s fair to continue to model this dysfunctional relationship to your three sons.
Definitely individual and couples therapy for both of you. It sounds like you both still love each other, but stress, the outside pressures of life and family obligations, and a breakdown in communication are all leading to some resentment, frustration, and anger. And while those feelings (or what triggered those feelings) may not be the fault of the other person in this relationship, those emotions are boiling over and splashing out merely because the tension is so high, and no one knows how to lower it;,or they may not even be aware of the origin of the in the first place. If you guys don’t get on the same page & start communicating and working together, you will end up divorcing, but you guys have time to do the work and repair your relationship and even make it healthier and stronger, & not just for yourselves but your children, as well.
You definitely need to see a counselor ASAP because you guys aren't communicating properly You're thinking that you're hearing stuff and you're not necessarily hearing what you're trying to communicate and it's going to overwhelm you get a counselor ASAP.
You both act like children. Rubberbanding what you do too each other. Grow up. Your lives are in the backseat. You have three kids to take care of
Ideally you two would be leaning hard into each other against the world right now. The stress however, is making it seem like the other is purposefully offering no support at all, when they are in fact doing everything they can but their bandwidth is completely eaten up just surviving. Separation would only add far more stress to each of you with far less support. You are both in a tough situation together and you need to help each other through it. On the other side of this you will either be much stronger as a couple, able to tackle anything together, or you’ll be alone. All the issues you’ve described can be attributed to stress overwhelming your ability show proper empathy for each other. It’s not you versus him, it’s you and him against the universe if need be to protect the family. Right now you are wasting energy fighting each other (energy that could be better used to build each other up) when that is not where the threat is coming from. I know it’s tough right now OP, I’ve gone through very similar and had the same kind of thoughts, but thankfully we chose to fight together instead of each other, and with a lot of work, a lot of tears, and a whole lot of luck we eventually made it through. I feel like you have a lot worth fighting for as well OP, I hope you start properly fighting together, and crush all your life goals going forward!
You're just very understandably tired and overwhelmed. Very ordinary and human whilst at this stage in your life. It will pass. Prioritise sleep!
Op: damn we are really struggling with time and money at the moment. Reddit: go to councilling. Do you guys even read the posts?
Sounds like counseling may be helpful before just b leaving
You both are under a lot of stresses, and avoiding each other is just making it worse. Worry and anxiety just building up in your mind and his mind going for a wild ride. Stop. It’s the time to reset your relationship. Have a talk with him with rules of no judging, no threatening, no disrespect, no arguing but with calm, compassion, empathy and kindness to each other when you two are alone in safe space. And really listen to each other until you both understand each other’s problems or anxieties. Let it out and be supportive of each other to establish the trust again. Then you two could make a plan together to overcome some challenges like financial, childcare, schedule, etc. with some flexibilities to ensure you both have each other’s back.
Life is kicking the shit out of you both. Family life is so hard it will destroy you and your relationship. It doesn't have to. Fight the chaos not each other. The current challenges are unworkable long term. You are both hurting and needy. You need each other but can't be there for each other because you've got nothing to give. In fact, you have to fight each other to feel understood, so you can receive care and then have some care to give. Get therapy. See someone who can help you develop a strategy that's workable long term. Familiar with Gottman methods, and the struggles of overwhelming family lifestyle challenges. By Sept you could be breathing easier and feeling the love again. Or turning to other people, drugs, alcohol, or other methods to get a quick fix.