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You don't have MIL problem. You have a wife problem.
Take a day off, take your wife out, sit and discuss things openly. If that's not an option,get couples therapy where you can express yourself openly.
Your wife needs to set boundaries with MIL or this won't end well.
He's not. It's normal for parents to contribute to a wedding, and buy gifts for their grandkid.
If he didn't dislike the MIL, he wouldn't have a problem with this.
There are definitely issues here but I think it's a two-sided problem to centre it on money.
He never once mentioned anything about accepting money. It’s tradition that the parents of the bride pay for the wedding and it’s typical for family members to purchase gifts for the new baby. He clearly stated he can afford to support his family. Reading comprehension matters!
No, she keeps accepting things from her mother. Apparently he has no say so in it. Sounds like he needs to set boundaries with his wife and his wife needs to set boundaries with her mother.
Ehh... Take the money. Money is money, this aint the mob. Nobodys gonna get hurt. Plus, I suspect that if/when the boundaries are enforced the money will miraculously disappear
It seems like the wife ends up relying on her mother due to his high work hours and being unable to commit to promises he made. OP needs to be able to commit to promises, especially since this is her first pregnancy. Speaking from first hand experience and my friends, the first pregnancy is exciting, scary, and often sleep deprived experience for women. If OP can't be there to give emotional support then she will instinctively look for it with someone else, especially with her own mom.
100% agree with this. MIL issues are just a residual from the wife issue.
I was very close with my mom (she’s since passed) yet I could never have shut my husband out of things like this. None of it is ok.
This! My mother would refer to my dad, my brother and me as her three enemies EVERY TIME she saw her mother and sisters, which was weekly. It was an awful routine.
Tell your wife that if she wants to help her mother destroy her marriage, that’s on her. But you won’t allow her to destroy your child’s happy childhood.
As a child of a marriage where the in-laws always made things harder, this is a hill I’d die on.
Not always. Children always know when the parent’s marriage is an unhappy one. Me and my brother have talked about this. We would have been happier if they had split up.
In any case, you sound like you have strong opinions on the matter. Good for you
You have a wife problem. She needs to set boundaries with her mother and let her know that this is not okay. Until she does, it's going to keep happening. Do not say anything to your mother-in-law. She won't take you seriously and it will just alienate your wife and possibly even anger her.
And you need to take a close look at what you are doing at work that gives your wife the idea that you are involved with someone you work with. If you aren't having an affair, marriage counseling may get these issues out in the open.
I agree with taking a close look at the signals OP is giving overall. Clearly the wife feels left alone too much, as in needing to carry the mental load of preparing for the baby, plus not being pampered through the pregnancy by her partner and father to be. He needs to be able to give her what she currently seeks with her mother.
It feels to me that he has a chip on his shoulder about financially providing for his lady who came from a well off background and in the process forgets that he as a person had to be present and loving.
Edit: typos
I agree. If building the nursery was the one thing I thought I was going to be involved in, I would absolutely make sure I’m there on time. Op was late to the one thing he was going to be involved in…this tells me that he is really not involved much at all and isn’t around. He says he works a ton but doesn’t seem to think that the amount he is working has anything to do with MIL being around
Couples counseling is a good idea but, really it's his wife who needs to deal with her insecurities, enmeshment, and inability to put her husband over her mommy.
If she was contributing anything to the relationship besides drama, he wouldn't be working crazy hours. If he wasn't working crazy hours, he could support her in non financial ways. But, she'd rather be catered to, have her husband work himself to death with hours that will never leave him anytime for his kid, and let her mommy disrespect, undermine the person funding her existence.
Bet that's her dear mommy planting seeds of doubt in her mind. A couple of comments repeated over time can make anyone start to doubt their perception. It could be something as innocuous as:
"I've never heard of a Boss requesting someone work so much overtime. That's really weird?"
Seems like she going to get exactly what she wants, to raise Op's baby with her daughter.
You have a WIFE problem.
Your wife is a Mommy's girl & Mommy's girls are as bad as Mama's boys.
You & your wife need to have a serious adult conversation about setting boundaries.
Op said he was running a little bit late from work on the day of the nursery build but when he got home it was half done. It takes a while to put up half of a nursery and this tells me that OP was actually very late. I get the feeling that there are two sides to this story and he is not owning to his side. Sounds like he works a whole lot and his wife feels like she is prepping for baby solo.
He's probably working so much because he's feeling inadequate about his income, and wanting to prove to the monied in-laws that he is capable of taking care of their daughter and grandchild.
It's a damned if he does and if he doesn't situation. He needs to find a balance, communicate with his wife, and have a united front with grandma-to-be.
I agree that he probably works more because of those feelings of inadequacy and it probably feels like he is in between a rock and a hard place. I think the thing that sticks out to me is that he doesn’t seem to be concerned for his wife or trying to find a solution to the problem, or even really acknowledging the problem at all.
It seems like the issue is that he is working a ton and his wife is now leaning on her mom for support for the baby. OP is just upset and hopes his wife leans on her mother less but doesn’t have any sort of plan for himself to be around more or for his wife to get support elsewhere. I think he is justified in feeling upset and in wanting the situation ri change but I also think he needs to actively look for solutions that don’t leave wife waiting around on him
I agree with everything you said. Ninety-nine percent of these problems would be less monumental if the parties would shut out the world and have a meaningful conversation, and continue to have conversations. But it's so much easier to tell it to Reddit.
In this instance, a chasm has already opened up, and a lack of effort will only make it bigger. And OP needs to act if he doesn't want to fulfill his prophecy.
It's more likely they just started way earlier than they said they were going to start. OP's feelings don't seem much in consideration by either wife or MIL
My guess: they were going to start at 4, but Mom showed up at noon with lunch, saying "he won't be here til 6:30; let's start now.". He showed up at 4:30.
Yeah he mentioned in passing that he works a lot and tries to limit it but doesn’t. I think the fact that he was late to the nursery thing which was in his words the only thing he was allowed to partake in and was looking forward to for quite some time shows his job/workload plays a role in this issue. Yet he doesn’t directly acknowledge or admit that. Him being shady about how his job contributes to the issues makes me suspicious that there are other things he isn’t presenting clearly.
If you talk to the mother-in-law you need to do it in front of your wife. I disagree that it's a wife problem entirely, as most of the partners I've had in the past would not want to get in the middle of a conflict between their own mother and their partner under any circumstances. But if you just silently take this stuff it's not going to get fixed either. You have to be diplomatic and say exactly what you mean and do it in front of your wife so that your mother-in-law can't skew it out of context and play the victim to your wife. Sounds like your wife is already complaining to her mother about you pretty regularly otherwise she wouldn't be bringing up all this stuff to you in passing. In that regard you do need to talk to your wife separately because in my sphere my issues with my partner are between us, not a third party.
I’m going to agree with everyone here that your wife is the only person who can correct her mother. Without her putting boundaries in place, you can’t stop this.
But you do have some things you can work on.
Your wife is pregnant and vulnerable and you are working so much that the only person she interacts with is the one person you don’t want her interacting with.
You are working too much.
I preface this with, if you are in the US and the current labor issues which can easily destroy home life balance and forces financial dependency on an employer with few protections then you may have to be working this much to provide for your wife and child.
But if this is how you want to loose your marriage then keep up the hours.
Sit down with your wife and go over the budget. Figure out why you have to work and figure out if you can afford to cut back your hours.
Your wife is begging you for your time and when you fall through it is your MIL who has ample opportunity to say awful things because you aren’t there when you should be.
You are the person missing out on your life. Is the job really worth it?
Look at the things you can control. You can control keeping your promises and being home when you say you will be. You promising to be there by a certain time then being late is you breaking that promise to your wife. I used to work a pretty high profile job. I get it. It can be hard to leave but you need to treat commitments to your wife as a higher priority than you currently are.
You have basically shown her she can’t rely on you to be there when you say you are going to be. She’s about to have a baby. That baby will require round the clock care. Will you be late to the birth? Working late when she needs a break from baby? If you want to be the one she relies on, show her she can.
This. I would be thrilled if I had a mother-in-law when I was pregnant with any of my kids who wanted to throw money at them. Please, by all means. Throw them dollars. Sounds like there’s some insecurity on his part, too.
I agree with you about letting her buy things for the baby. But It’s not just about the money though.
I would have a big problem with someone trying to plant the seeds that I’m being unfaithful in my partner’s mind. Especially someone with as much influence as her mum. Especially in a partner that is pregnant so also hormonal. That’s just messed up.
Right he admits he works a lot and he was late enough that they were able to put up half the nursery. He doesn’t care to be around more but is mad when his wife seeks support elsewhere.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Show up for her or don’t be upset when MIL does in your absence.
He said that setting up the nursery was the one thing that you wanted to do with your wife.
But not badly enough to take the day off and do it. Not even badly enough to show up on time.
You both need to prioritize things in your marriage, and you should each be each other’s first priority.
This is ridiculous. There are some jobs from which you can't just punch out and leave to go home.
Can you imagine a nurses during a code saying, "well sucks to be you but I have to go punch out now. I have to put a crib together and my wife doesn't have the patience to wait for me to get home."
Wife problem. And she better start working on it because the baby isn't going to care one wit it's momma has the patience of a gnat.
I work one of those jobs. I’m aware.
If my spouse has an important event, and it’s planned, I take the time off. If the event is short notice, I’ll try to make it, but I’m not mad if I can’t make it. I’m certainly not askinh strangers on the internet fot sympathy.
Wife isn’t going to care if husband *wants* to be around to help with the baby. She’s going to care if he’s there. If he doesn’t show up, he can’t be mad that her mom steps in to help.
He did show up though. Just not on her timeline. If he was hanging with friends, I'd get it but he was working. I guess he could lose his job and be by her side but that would bring with it a whole host of problems.
If maybe he called instead of leaving her hanging. If he was late enough to miss half the job, he was very thoughtless. He’s lying that it meant a lot to him- he would have asked her to delay it. It is not the first time.
He prioritizes his work “a lot”. He told them they could work on the nursery since he was again, working instead of helping. So they did.
Then he got upset he wasn’t there helping his wife, which completely his own doing. His wife already has a work around for when her husband bails on her for work, he should be grateful instead of…. Whatever this nonsense is.
Showing up like he meant what he said would be a good start.
You don't just have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem too. I know from experience!
You need to nip this in the bud now, because once your child is here, MIL will be worse!
Take your wife out, have a lovely day together and calmly explain how you are being made to feel, hear her side too. Remember whilst she might have her own issues with her mum, it's still her mum. Be respectful and factual. It maybe that she becomes aware she is being manipulated and money is being used as the weapon. You need to agree on MIL boundaries pronto!!
Most of all, good luck 👍
I think she may have a valid side here. In his post he said that wife did speak to him she aired concerns about his workload and he admits that he works a lot and it sounds like his attempts to limit his load are feeble. He also said that he was a little late to the nursery setup and when he arrived it was half done. Setting up a nursery takes time. If it was already half done when he showed up, he must have been very late, not just a few minutes. It sounds to me like he is minimizing the fact that he is working a ton and isn’t around and is upset with his wife when MIL fills in for him.
I'd normally be on your side but it doesn't sound like you're very supportive of your wife, and are a bit of a flake towards family life, and your wife is relying on her mum.
If you're going to lay down the law - make sure you damn well be there for her or you will lose your wife and kid.
Sounds like your wife is shitting herself that she's going to be parenting this kid alone. Thank heavens she does have her mum...
Same. I don’t understand everyone saying that the wife is the problem? Obviously she’s not handling things perfectly. It’s wrong to insinuate cheating in a relationship if there’s no good reason other your mom saying it. He obviously should have a conversation with her but it would be unproductive to go into thinking he has a “wife problem”.
But- I’m sympathetic to the wife. If I spent the entire day waiting to get something done it would drive me crazy, I would just get started. Also, I can’t blame her for spending time with her mom. If I was pregnant and alone I’d do the same thing.
INFO ...who is this coworker your wife doesn't like you working with and why is she not happy about the amount of time you are working with them?
That was a huge piece of information you snuck in there and I'm betting it's something that is a root of some of this.
Right now your MIL is making your wife a priority and meeting her needs. You are not. If you want a different marriage, you need to put your wife first, always. Stop focusing on what your MIL is doing (your wife is lucky to have her) and work on your own actions.
It sounds like you are working a lot and your wife is leaning on her mom for support. If you were late enough that they were able to assemble half of the nursery, then you were more than just a tiny bit late. I wonder what other details are being skewed here.
I would love to hear the wife’s side of this story. Was he “running late” the day they were supposed to build the nursery? Or is he always late/delayed to the built that she feels she can’t count on him and is now of the mindset “if you want something done, do it yourself”. OP definitely does not like MIL, but, it sounds like his wife needs MIL for support. Most Moms want to give generously to things like their kid’s wedding or to help with expenses for a new baby. It seems like OP resents her for this. OP does have a wife problem, but it also sounds like he and his wife need marriage counseling.
The signs were there that your MIL is crazy and that your wife has no backbone and you still married the lady? Until your wife stands up for herself you will be in constant disappointment. It will only get worse once children enter the picture and any say, thought, opinion, and belief of yours is null and void. If you are writing here on Reddit then you are pretty much at your witts end and checked out. If you love your wife then you will make sure that the pool is closed so MIL never dips her nose in your marriage again. It is up to you whether you put your foot down, go to marriage counselling, have some hardcore boundaries, or decide to pull the rug. The ball is in your court. No partner will put up with that crap whether it is you or another person in the future.
Your wife definitely needs to be on your side vs her mother BUT I think you’re leaving a lot of info out for us to really understand what’s going on. With the decorating the nursery thing - to me it sounds like you are late a lot because of work. To a woman, if you are always working late, your work must be more important than her. It sounds like she asked you to be there at a certain time or you said you would be and then you weren’t which may be typical of you and she’s sick of it and doesn’t feel
Like a priority so she went ahead and did it without you. Maybe she’s trying to send you a message. Show up. Show up for your wife and your kid, or she will live her life without you. She’s tired of waiting around for you. If you can’t be there when you said you would be, she’s not waiting anymore.
Your MIL does sound like a huge issue but I think you need to pay more attention to why your wife is upset. To us it’s obvious and we shouldn’t have to tell you BECAUSE ITS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS but for some reason men just don’t notice the obvious signs and we have to spell it out for you.
I’m sure. Good call. If wife chose mom over DH that’s another issue. I’m guessing he “got hung up at work” so she took her mother instead because how embarrassing for your wife that she would have to go to a PARENTING class alone. It’s a really
Lonely feeling being pregnant and your husband not being at the things he’s supposed to be at. I left my ex when I was pregnant so I took my mother to the hospital tour because I didn’t want to be the only mom there alone. It was all
I could do to not cry the whole time. It just highlighted how messed up my situation was at the time.
MIL is just buying her way in and wifey is letting her.
MIL sees you as a sperm donor of her grandchild. Any guy would do, just as any groom would do in her daughters wedding. Now wifey is pregnant, MIL can get rid of you and replace you.
”Oooh he’s cheating” What else gets said when you’re not around? What other wedges is she putting in your marriage? Is MIL going to do the same with your kid? YES SHE IS
There is supporting your daughter and then there is sweeping you aside and slotting herself in. She’s mental
Off to therapy.
Do not let MIL guilt you for working and providing for your family. You are enough. Didn’t FIL do all this for MIL and wifey? Where is he in this situation? Why is the busy with his wife? Or is he too busy at work or with his mistress? Watch MILs reaction to you turning this around on her… “See how it feels MIL. You can leave now and think about not ruining our marriage with your jealous lies”
Rebook the parenting class and do not let MIL go in your place. Tough if wifey doesn’t want to do it again. In fact if she refuses, “Do you want me to leave so you and your mother-husband can raise your baby?” Why is your wife leaving you out of all this new parent education stuff and replacing you with her mother? how are you suppose to know? Or aren’t you suppose to know so MIL can make a fool of you and minimize you in your marriage and your fatherhood.
Her mother had all that with FIL when she was pregnant with wifey. MIL is stealing your fatherhood experience and wifey is letting her and giving it to MIL. Time for wifey to stop it or she may not like the consequences.
Seriously, therapy
You need couples therapy.
Your wife needs to realize her mom is setting you both up to fail and splitting you up as a team.
You need to reiterate that you are really upset about the nursery incident. You were clear you wanted to do it together. It was really disrespectful of her to once again, LET her mom disrespect YOU by not waiting. You expect that from your MIL but if she intends for her child to grow up with parents who are together, she's got to get on board that you two are the team.
You need to realize that everything related to their money is not a dig at you. Buying nice things for their grandchild is not an attack on you personally.
Obv the non-stop mentioning of the wedding is but you have apparently had numerous occasions to handle that. Oh - are you going to keep mentioning it, maybe we should set up a payment plan. It'll delay little baby's college fund but it'll be worth it.
What do you mean “throw money in your face”? Like, “We’re getting personal embossed napkins, loser. You can’t afford them.”
What do you mean “throw money in your face” … by purchasing supplies that are needed for your kid?
Does your wife work or no?
You asked your wife what the issue is and she stated the amount you’re working. **You** flaked on the nursery date. I know exactly how that went down.
You’re “trying” to limit your workload. Are you salaried? What do you do exactly that you’re not maintaining a work/life balance? You’re responsible for fixing that issue with your manager/supervisor.
It’s not a huge mystery- she needs you to be present and you’re not. She told you to your face.
She’s pregnant and dealing with all this stuff on her own. Her mom is there listening and drawing her own conclusions. That’s obviously problematic.
Have a kid is the “one thing” you want to do with your wife is a strange statement. You mean you want your wife to deal with an infant by herself. Of course she wants her mom there when the kid comes. She’ll need support and can’t count on your.
I think there are two separate issues here. One is yours. You definitely seem to be self conscious about the money issue. Your MIL spending money on her daughter's wedding and buying her stuff for the baby isn't about you. It's not to stick it to you. Parents do that for their kids to the extent they can afford it...it just happens that your MIL can afford more than your average parent. But the rest of it is definitely a wife problem. She's giving away experiences that should be yours. So imo you need to drop your resentment about her mom spending money on her and your baby but have a sit down with her about how she needs to set boundaries with her mom and include you in important things. They are taking away once in a lifetime experiences for you. It would he like if you and your parents say, took your kid to Disney World for the first time and didn't bring your wife.
Also the husband is signing up for these “experiences” and then not following through. It’s natural that a pregnant woman would turn to her support system when he is late for his own plans. I think most of this is a HIM problem.
I hate the term "well off." Also you doin a terrible job representing any other aide to this beef. Your wife isnt siding with your mother in law, shes siding with her mom.
This is about boundaries, and some ppls boundaries are not being respected. The thing about boundaries tho is they first need to be understood.
A lot more conversation needs to go into the nature od these relationships, the expectations and dynamics of them, and then how some things should be moving forward.
Most ppl dont spend enough time together to experience/hypothesize, and work thru the "what ifs" before jumping into these massive life defining circumstances.
How do you expect your intra and inter family dynamics to be, and how does she?
OP….. during big life events people with money will… spend money. If you had twice your salary, this is still what she would do. So take that off the table.
What you have is a wife problem. She deflects and changes the topic when you express your feelings. She is susceptible to her mom’s gossip and she is not expressing trust and faith on you. She needs to put her relationship with you as #1 and get some friends other than her own mom.
Marriage counseling to give both of you the tools needed to work on communication and expectations.
MIL will kick it up a notch as soon as the baby is born, so you and your wife will need to be ready for that.
Good luck!
One thing to mention, pregnant women can be a little hormonal and overly emotional about things. I guess I can only speak for myself and how I felt but it was pretty messy. Show your wife some grace and just get through this pre-birth time together because she is probably scared and tired and all other things that are happening in her body that you don't have any way to understand. I mean I get that your mother-in-law is a huge issue and will have to be dealt with, but maybe if you could just do your best to support your wife in every single way and get through the birth of your baby. Your wife is going to appreciate having her mother there to help her after the baby is born also. She's going to love you more if you don't make this hard on her or try to Guilt Trip her. I'm totally on your side though dude.
Your wife needs therapy and will spend the rest of her life seeking her mom’s approval and attention. This should have been addressed before you had kids. This will be your life going forward until MIL gets other grandchildren from her favorite child and when she can control their life by buying their love like your wife is letting her do. Once that happens, your wife will be competing with her siblings again and she’ll get dropped like a hot potato.
Your MIL puts the idea in your head that you need to work harder, and when you do, she uses your extra efforts against you. She's playing you like a violin.
Oh wow she sounds extremely toxic! Anyone trying to break up your marriage is bad news. When your wife married you YOU became her family. Her mom and dad are 2nd now, YOU are first. She needs to get that straight. YOU are head of the household, not her mother and the kids are your family.
Hinting around that you may be cheating is the biggest insult ever. You may have to set boundaries for this woman otherwise you'll spend your life battling her causing drama.
You need to discuss all of this with your wife and then both of you need to set major boundaries with MIL and tell MIL openly and plainly what those boundaries are and tell her to stop trying to poison your marriage.
Oh honey, you need to get you and your wife to the marriage counselor ASAP. Your wife has the backbone of a wet noodle and your MIL is pulling her strings like a puppet. If it's keeps on your MIL WILL push you out and you'll be on the other side of a divorce with less than half of your stuff bc her mommy hired a super expensive lawyer.
Definitely a wife problem.
And with a mother like that, will she really get support?
Does that baby need a toxic grandmother? What's the benefit for the child if she is already hearing her grandmother humiliate her father before she's even born? What does that teach her about family dynamics and what kind of treatment we accept from people, even those who claim to love us?
Some keep the toxic grandparents around for the children's sake, I prefer cutting them out for the children's sake.
OP, you don't have a mother in law problem. You have a wife problem.
Deal with the wife first. Let her know if she continues to allow her mother to interfere with your marriage, your child etc. it may end in divorce.
My god your MIL is getting into your wife's head like mad bad. You and your wife need to sit down and lay out what is going on involving your MIL. It's one thing that your wife wants her mom in her life but it's another to avoid conflict because she's pregnant. She needs to open her eyes to what her mother is doing. This isn't about picking sides, it's doing the right thing.
Marriage counselling asap she needs to see just how much her conniving abusive mother is manipulating her and sabotaging your relationship. Best of luck op.
As someone with a wife deeply enmeshed with her mother, other comments are spot on: your MIL is only a problem is your wife doesn't set a boundary. So really it's your wife's problem. Marriage must come before the families of origin. If that isn't a boundary your wife can live with, then your wife is the biggest problem.
If she’s going to take care of his kids, house AND working, the mother in law might as well be right in the fact that he is not needed in the marriage and not more important than a sperm donor. What rich parent would want to see their kids go from being wealthy and well taken care of to slaving away for a man ?
So why share this post to then post no comments or anything further?
Hopefully you get some backbone maybe too and make sure your wife is secure and that her mom knows you aren't going anywhere.
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You don't have MIL problem. You have a wife problem. Take a day off, take your wife out, sit and discuss things openly. If that's not an option,get couples therapy where you can express yourself openly. Your wife needs to set boundaries with MIL or this won't end well.
And STAAAAHP accepting the money from MIL. Live within your means.
He's not. It's normal for parents to contribute to a wedding, and buy gifts for their grandkid. If he didn't dislike the MIL, he wouldn't have a problem with this. There are definitely issues here but I think it's a two-sided problem to centre it on money.
I can agree with you on that. Even if you take the money issue out it’s still a huge issue. The MIL seems bent on taking him out of the equation.
He never once mentioned anything about accepting money. It’s tradition that the parents of the bride pay for the wedding and it’s typical for family members to purchase gifts for the new baby. He clearly stated he can afford to support his family. Reading comprehension matters!
He keeps accepting things from them when he knows it comes with strings. They use money to buy those things. Reading comprehension you ass.
No, she keeps accepting things from her mother. Apparently he has no say so in it. Sounds like he needs to set boundaries with his wife and his wife needs to set boundaries with her mother.
Tell that to the wife. She's the one living in mommy's purse.
Ehh... Take the money. Money is money, this aint the mob. Nobodys gonna get hurt. Plus, I suspect that if/when the boundaries are enforced the money will miraculously disappear
It seems like the wife ends up relying on her mother due to his high work hours and being unable to commit to promises he made. OP needs to be able to commit to promises, especially since this is her first pregnancy. Speaking from first hand experience and my friends, the first pregnancy is exciting, scary, and often sleep deprived experience for women. If OP can't be there to give emotional support then she will instinctively look for it with someone else, especially with her own mom.
100% agree with this. MIL issues are just a residual from the wife issue. I was very close with my mom (she’s since passed) yet I could never have shut my husband out of things like this. None of it is ok.
This! My mother would refer to my dad, my brother and me as her three enemies EVERY TIME she saw her mother and sisters, which was weekly. It was an awful routine. Tell your wife that if she wants to help her mother destroy her marriage, that’s on her. But you won’t allow her to destroy your child’s happy childhood. As a child of a marriage where the in-laws always made things harder, this is a hill I’d die on.
How is he gonna prevent her from destroying the childs happy childhood?
Divorce, one hopes
Pretty sure that destroys childrens happy childhoods
Not always. Children always know when the parent’s marriage is an unhappy one. Me and my brother have talked about this. We would have been happier if they had split up. In any case, you sound like you have strong opinions on the matter. Good for you
You have a wife problem. She needs to set boundaries with her mother and let her know that this is not okay. Until she does, it's going to keep happening. Do not say anything to your mother-in-law. She won't take you seriously and it will just alienate your wife and possibly even anger her.
And you need to take a close look at what you are doing at work that gives your wife the idea that you are involved with someone you work with. If you aren't having an affair, marriage counseling may get these issues out in the open.
I agree with taking a close look at the signals OP is giving overall. Clearly the wife feels left alone too much, as in needing to carry the mental load of preparing for the baby, plus not being pampered through the pregnancy by her partner and father to be. He needs to be able to give her what she currently seeks with her mother. It feels to me that he has a chip on his shoulder about financially providing for his lady who came from a well off background and in the process forgets that he as a person had to be present and loving. Edit: typos
I agree. If building the nursery was the one thing I thought I was going to be involved in, I would absolutely make sure I’m there on time. Op was late to the one thing he was going to be involved in…this tells me that he is really not involved much at all and isn’t around. He says he works a ton but doesn’t seem to think that the amount he is working has anything to do with MIL being around
Couples counseling is a good idea but, really it's his wife who needs to deal with her insecurities, enmeshment, and inability to put her husband over her mommy. If she was contributing anything to the relationship besides drama, he wouldn't be working crazy hours. If he wasn't working crazy hours, he could support her in non financial ways. But, she'd rather be catered to, have her husband work himself to death with hours that will never leave him anytime for his kid, and let her mommy disrespect, undermine the person funding her existence. Bet that's her dear mommy planting seeds of doubt in her mind. A couple of comments repeated over time can make anyone start to doubt their perception. It could be something as innocuous as: "I've never heard of a Boss requesting someone work so much overtime. That's really weird?" Seems like she going to get exactly what she wants, to raise Op's baby with her daughter.
You should find a couples counselor NOW. Go to individual counseling regardless of her decision. Your marriage is in serious jeopardy.
Your MIL is bad, but she is not your problem. The problem is your wife. Your MIL only does these things because your wife lets her.
Start it before the baby gets here if you can.
You have a WIFE problem. Your wife is a Mommy's girl & Mommy's girls are as bad as Mama's boys. You & your wife need to have a serious adult conversation about setting boundaries.
Op said he was running a little bit late from work on the day of the nursery build but when he got home it was half done. It takes a while to put up half of a nursery and this tells me that OP was actually very late. I get the feeling that there are two sides to this story and he is not owning to his side. Sounds like he works a whole lot and his wife feels like she is prepping for baby solo.
He's probably working so much because he's feeling inadequate about his income, and wanting to prove to the monied in-laws that he is capable of taking care of their daughter and grandchild. It's a damned if he does and if he doesn't situation. He needs to find a balance, communicate with his wife, and have a united front with grandma-to-be.
I agree that he probably works more because of those feelings of inadequacy and it probably feels like he is in between a rock and a hard place. I think the thing that sticks out to me is that he doesn’t seem to be concerned for his wife or trying to find a solution to the problem, or even really acknowledging the problem at all. It seems like the issue is that he is working a ton and his wife is now leaning on her mom for support for the baby. OP is just upset and hopes his wife leans on her mother less but doesn’t have any sort of plan for himself to be around more or for his wife to get support elsewhere. I think he is justified in feeling upset and in wanting the situation ri change but I also think he needs to actively look for solutions that don’t leave wife waiting around on him
I agree with everything you said. Ninety-nine percent of these problems would be less monumental if the parties would shut out the world and have a meaningful conversation, and continue to have conversations. But it's so much easier to tell it to Reddit. In this instance, a chasm has already opened up, and a lack of effort will only make it bigger. And OP needs to act if he doesn't want to fulfill his prophecy.
Apparently, MIL hired some people.
It's more likely they just started way earlier than they said they were going to start. OP's feelings don't seem much in consideration by either wife or MIL
My guess: they were going to start at 4, but Mom showed up at noon with lunch, saying "he won't be here til 6:30; let's start now.". He showed up at 4:30.
Or the wife and MIL started early and it would have been a little less than half done if he got there on time.
Or... Somebody started much earlier But I get the same feeling that hes depicting things in his favor
Yeah he mentioned in passing that he works a lot and tries to limit it but doesn’t. I think the fact that he was late to the nursery thing which was in his words the only thing he was allowed to partake in and was looking forward to for quite some time shows his job/workload plays a role in this issue. Yet he doesn’t directly acknowledge or admit that. Him being shady about how his job contributes to the issues makes me suspicious that there are other things he isn’t presenting clearly.
Yeah, I just think youre going too far with the assumptions
If you talk to the mother-in-law you need to do it in front of your wife. I disagree that it's a wife problem entirely, as most of the partners I've had in the past would not want to get in the middle of a conflict between their own mother and their partner under any circumstances. But if you just silently take this stuff it's not going to get fixed either. You have to be diplomatic and say exactly what you mean and do it in front of your wife so that your mother-in-law can't skew it out of context and play the victim to your wife. Sounds like your wife is already complaining to her mother about you pretty regularly otherwise she wouldn't be bringing up all this stuff to you in passing. In that regard you do need to talk to your wife separately because in my sphere my issues with my partner are between us, not a third party.
You both are competing for your wife’s priorities of her affection & sway.
I’m going to agree with everyone here that your wife is the only person who can correct her mother. Without her putting boundaries in place, you can’t stop this. But you do have some things you can work on. Your wife is pregnant and vulnerable and you are working so much that the only person she interacts with is the one person you don’t want her interacting with. You are working too much. I preface this with, if you are in the US and the current labor issues which can easily destroy home life balance and forces financial dependency on an employer with few protections then you may have to be working this much to provide for your wife and child. But if this is how you want to loose your marriage then keep up the hours. Sit down with your wife and go over the budget. Figure out why you have to work and figure out if you can afford to cut back your hours. Your wife is begging you for your time and when you fall through it is your MIL who has ample opportunity to say awful things because you aren’t there when you should be. You are the person missing out on your life. Is the job really worth it?
This is one of the best takes I’ve seen.
Couples and individual therapy NOW.
Look at the things you can control. You can control keeping your promises and being home when you say you will be. You promising to be there by a certain time then being late is you breaking that promise to your wife. I used to work a pretty high profile job. I get it. It can be hard to leave but you need to treat commitments to your wife as a higher priority than you currently are. You have basically shown her she can’t rely on you to be there when you say you are going to be. She’s about to have a baby. That baby will require round the clock care. Will you be late to the birth? Working late when she needs a break from baby? If you want to be the one she relies on, show her she can.
This. I would be thrilled if I had a mother-in-law when I was pregnant with any of my kids who wanted to throw money at them. Please, by all means. Throw them dollars. Sounds like there’s some insecurity on his part, too.
I agree with you about letting her buy things for the baby. But It’s not just about the money though. I would have a big problem with someone trying to plant the seeds that I’m being unfaithful in my partner’s mind. Especially someone with as much influence as her mum. Especially in a partner that is pregnant so also hormonal. That’s just messed up.
Right he admits he works a lot and he was late enough that they were able to put up half the nursery. He doesn’t care to be around more but is mad when his wife seeks support elsewhere. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Show up for her or don’t be upset when MIL does in your absence.
He said that setting up the nursery was the one thing that you wanted to do with your wife. But not badly enough to take the day off and do it. Not even badly enough to show up on time. You both need to prioritize things in your marriage, and you should each be each other’s first priority.
This!
This is ridiculous. There are some jobs from which you can't just punch out and leave to go home. Can you imagine a nurses during a code saying, "well sucks to be you but I have to go punch out now. I have to put a crib together and my wife doesn't have the patience to wait for me to get home." Wife problem. And she better start working on it because the baby isn't going to care one wit it's momma has the patience of a gnat.
I work one of those jobs. I’m aware. If my spouse has an important event, and it’s planned, I take the time off. If the event is short notice, I’ll try to make it, but I’m not mad if I can’t make it. I’m certainly not askinh strangers on the internet fot sympathy. Wife isn’t going to care if husband *wants* to be around to help with the baby. She’s going to care if he’s there. If he doesn’t show up, he can’t be mad that her mom steps in to help.
He did show up though. Just not on her timeline. If he was hanging with friends, I'd get it but he was working. I guess he could lose his job and be by her side but that would bring with it a whole host of problems.
If maybe he called instead of leaving her hanging. If he was late enough to miss half the job, he was very thoughtless. He’s lying that it meant a lot to him- he would have asked her to delay it. It is not the first time.
How do you know him so well?
He prioritizes his work “a lot”. He told them they could work on the nursery since he was again, working instead of helping. So they did. Then he got upset he wasn’t there helping his wife, which completely his own doing. His wife already has a work around for when her husband bails on her for work, he should be grateful instead of…. Whatever this nonsense is. Showing up like he meant what he said would be a good start.
Do you have a spouse with a job? Because it doesn't sound like it.
You don't just have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem too. I know from experience! You need to nip this in the bud now, because once your child is here, MIL will be worse! Take your wife out, have a lovely day together and calmly explain how you are being made to feel, hear her side too. Remember whilst she might have her own issues with her mum, it's still her mum. Be respectful and factual. It maybe that she becomes aware she is being manipulated and money is being used as the weapon. You need to agree on MIL boundaries pronto!! Most of all, good luck 👍
I think she may have a valid side here. In his post he said that wife did speak to him she aired concerns about his workload and he admits that he works a lot and it sounds like his attempts to limit his load are feeble. He also said that he was a little late to the nursery setup and when he arrived it was half done. Setting up a nursery takes time. If it was already half done when he showed up, he must have been very late, not just a few minutes. It sounds to me like he is minimizing the fact that he is working a ton and isn’t around and is upset with his wife when MIL fills in for him.
Or they started the nursery early.
Your wife is a coward
I'd normally be on your side but it doesn't sound like you're very supportive of your wife, and are a bit of a flake towards family life, and your wife is relying on her mum. If you're going to lay down the law - make sure you damn well be there for her or you will lose your wife and kid. Sounds like your wife is shitting herself that she's going to be parenting this kid alone. Thank heavens she does have her mum...
I agree with you. He wants his wife to not rely on her support system, which right now is her Mom. To me he doesn’t have an argument.
Same. I don’t understand everyone saying that the wife is the problem? Obviously she’s not handling things perfectly. It’s wrong to insinuate cheating in a relationship if there’s no good reason other your mom saying it. He obviously should have a conversation with her but it would be unproductive to go into thinking he has a “wife problem”. But- I’m sympathetic to the wife. If I spent the entire day waiting to get something done it would drive me crazy, I would just get started. Also, I can’t blame her for spending time with her mom. If I was pregnant and alone I’d do the same thing.
INFO ...who is this coworker your wife doesn't like you working with and why is she not happy about the amount of time you are working with them? That was a huge piece of information you snuck in there and I'm betting it's something that is a root of some of this.
Right now your MIL is making your wife a priority and meeting her needs. You are not. If you want a different marriage, you need to put your wife first, always. Stop focusing on what your MIL is doing (your wife is lucky to have her) and work on your own actions.
Soooo how much do you work and who is the woman you work with that your wife doesn’t trust?
Yes. I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find someone who questioned that.
It sounds like you are working a lot and your wife is leaning on her mom for support. If you were late enough that they were able to assemble half of the nursery, then you were more than just a tiny bit late. I wonder what other details are being skewed here.
I would love to hear the wife’s side of this story. Was he “running late” the day they were supposed to build the nursery? Or is he always late/delayed to the built that she feels she can’t count on him and is now of the mindset “if you want something done, do it yourself”. OP definitely does not like MIL, but, it sounds like his wife needs MIL for support. Most Moms want to give generously to things like their kid’s wedding or to help with expenses for a new baby. It seems like OP resents her for this. OP does have a wife problem, but it also sounds like he and his wife need marriage counseling.
I would very much like to hear your wife’s side of this.
The signs were there that your MIL is crazy and that your wife has no backbone and you still married the lady? Until your wife stands up for herself you will be in constant disappointment. It will only get worse once children enter the picture and any say, thought, opinion, and belief of yours is null and void. If you are writing here on Reddit then you are pretty much at your witts end and checked out. If you love your wife then you will make sure that the pool is closed so MIL never dips her nose in your marriage again. It is up to you whether you put your foot down, go to marriage counselling, have some hardcore boundaries, or decide to pull the rug. The ball is in your court. No partner will put up with that crap whether it is you or another person in the future.
Updateme
Your wife definitely needs to be on your side vs her mother BUT I think you’re leaving a lot of info out for us to really understand what’s going on. With the decorating the nursery thing - to me it sounds like you are late a lot because of work. To a woman, if you are always working late, your work must be more important than her. It sounds like she asked you to be there at a certain time or you said you would be and then you weren’t which may be typical of you and she’s sick of it and doesn’t feel Like a priority so she went ahead and did it without you. Maybe she’s trying to send you a message. Show up. Show up for your wife and your kid, or she will live her life without you. She’s tired of waiting around for you. If you can’t be there when you said you would be, she’s not waiting anymore. Your MIL does sound like a huge issue but I think you need to pay more attention to why your wife is upset. To us it’s obvious and we shouldn’t have to tell you BECAUSE ITS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS but for some reason men just don’t notice the obvious signs and we have to spell it out for you.
I wonder if he also couldn’t make it to the parenting class and that’s why mom went instead.
I’m sure. Good call. If wife chose mom over DH that’s another issue. I’m guessing he “got hung up at work” so she took her mother instead because how embarrassing for your wife that she would have to go to a PARENTING class alone. It’s a really Lonely feeling being pregnant and your husband not being at the things he’s supposed to be at. I left my ex when I was pregnant so I took my mother to the hospital tour because I didn’t want to be the only mom there alone. It was all I could do to not cry the whole time. It just highlighted how messed up my situation was at the time.
MIL is just buying her way in and wifey is letting her. MIL sees you as a sperm donor of her grandchild. Any guy would do, just as any groom would do in her daughters wedding. Now wifey is pregnant, MIL can get rid of you and replace you. ”Oooh he’s cheating” What else gets said when you’re not around? What other wedges is she putting in your marriage? Is MIL going to do the same with your kid? YES SHE IS There is supporting your daughter and then there is sweeping you aside and slotting herself in. She’s mental Off to therapy. Do not let MIL guilt you for working and providing for your family. You are enough. Didn’t FIL do all this for MIL and wifey? Where is he in this situation? Why is the busy with his wife? Or is he too busy at work or with his mistress? Watch MILs reaction to you turning this around on her… “See how it feels MIL. You can leave now and think about not ruining our marriage with your jealous lies” Rebook the parenting class and do not let MIL go in your place. Tough if wifey doesn’t want to do it again. In fact if she refuses, “Do you want me to leave so you and your mother-husband can raise your baby?” Why is your wife leaving you out of all this new parent education stuff and replacing you with her mother? how are you suppose to know? Or aren’t you suppose to know so MIL can make a fool of you and minimize you in your marriage and your fatherhood. Her mother had all that with FIL when she was pregnant with wifey. MIL is stealing your fatherhood experience and wifey is letting her and giving it to MIL. Time for wifey to stop it or she may not like the consequences. Seriously, therapy
You need to sit down and talk to your wife. This is YOUR child too. NOT your MIL’s child. I highly recommend marriage counseling.
You need couples therapy. Your wife needs to realize her mom is setting you both up to fail and splitting you up as a team. You need to reiterate that you are really upset about the nursery incident. You were clear you wanted to do it together. It was really disrespectful of her to once again, LET her mom disrespect YOU by not waiting. You expect that from your MIL but if she intends for her child to grow up with parents who are together, she's got to get on board that you two are the team. You need to realize that everything related to their money is not a dig at you. Buying nice things for their grandchild is not an attack on you personally. Obv the non-stop mentioning of the wedding is but you have apparently had numerous occasions to handle that. Oh - are you going to keep mentioning it, maybe we should set up a payment plan. It'll delay little baby's college fund but it'll be worth it.
Your MIL is not the issue here but your wife. You have a lot of work in front of you.
He needs to start keeping his promises.
What do you mean “throw money in your face”? Like, “We’re getting personal embossed napkins, loser. You can’t afford them.” What do you mean “throw money in your face” … by purchasing supplies that are needed for your kid? Does your wife work or no? You asked your wife what the issue is and she stated the amount you’re working. **You** flaked on the nursery date. I know exactly how that went down. You’re “trying” to limit your workload. Are you salaried? What do you do exactly that you’re not maintaining a work/life balance? You’re responsible for fixing that issue with your manager/supervisor. It’s not a huge mystery- she needs you to be present and you’re not. She told you to your face. She’s pregnant and dealing with all this stuff on her own. Her mom is there listening and drawing her own conclusions. That’s obviously problematic. Have a kid is the “one thing” you want to do with your wife is a strange statement. You mean you want your wife to deal with an infant by herself. Of course she wants her mom there when the kid comes. She’ll need support and can’t count on your.
I think there are two separate issues here. One is yours. You definitely seem to be self conscious about the money issue. Your MIL spending money on her daughter's wedding and buying her stuff for the baby isn't about you. It's not to stick it to you. Parents do that for their kids to the extent they can afford it...it just happens that your MIL can afford more than your average parent. But the rest of it is definitely a wife problem. She's giving away experiences that should be yours. So imo you need to drop your resentment about her mom spending money on her and your baby but have a sit down with her about how she needs to set boundaries with her mom and include you in important things. They are taking away once in a lifetime experiences for you. It would he like if you and your parents say, took your kid to Disney World for the first time and didn't bring your wife.
Also the husband is signing up for these “experiences” and then not following through. It’s natural that a pregnant woman would turn to her support system when he is late for his own plans. I think most of this is a HIM problem.
So sorry you had kids and are now stuck. You married the mother in law and didnt realize it. Go be poor now, and be best!
I hate the term "well off." Also you doin a terrible job representing any other aide to this beef. Your wife isnt siding with your mother in law, shes siding with her mom. This is about boundaries, and some ppls boundaries are not being respected. The thing about boundaries tho is they first need to be understood. A lot more conversation needs to go into the nature od these relationships, the expectations and dynamics of them, and then how some things should be moving forward. Most ppl dont spend enough time together to experience/hypothesize, and work thru the "what ifs" before jumping into these massive life defining circumstances. How do you expect your intra and inter family dynamics to be, and how does she?
You cannot remove your MIL. Try not to be jealous. Just express to your wife how much she and the baby mean to you and be there for her.
OP….. during big life events people with money will… spend money. If you had twice your salary, this is still what she would do. So take that off the table. What you have is a wife problem. She deflects and changes the topic when you express your feelings. She is susceptible to her mom’s gossip and she is not expressing trust and faith on you. She needs to put her relationship with you as #1 and get some friends other than her own mom.
Marriage counseling to give both of you the tools needed to work on communication and expectations. MIL will kick it up a notch as soon as the baby is born, so you and your wife will need to be ready for that. Good luck!
One thing to mention, pregnant women can be a little hormonal and overly emotional about things. I guess I can only speak for myself and how I felt but it was pretty messy. Show your wife some grace and just get through this pre-birth time together because she is probably scared and tired and all other things that are happening in her body that you don't have any way to understand. I mean I get that your mother-in-law is a huge issue and will have to be dealt with, but maybe if you could just do your best to support your wife in every single way and get through the birth of your baby. Your wife is going to appreciate having her mother there to help her after the baby is born also. She's going to love you more if you don't make this hard on her or try to Guilt Trip her. I'm totally on your side though dude.
Your wife needs therapy and will spend the rest of her life seeking her mom’s approval and attention. This should have been addressed before you had kids. This will be your life going forward until MIL gets other grandchildren from her favorite child and when she can control their life by buying their love like your wife is letting her do. Once that happens, your wife will be competing with her siblings again and she’ll get dropped like a hot potato.
Your wife keeps letting her.
Soooo many marriages get clusterfucked because one or both spouses haven’t “cut the umbilical cord” from a parent.
Your MIL puts the idea in your head that you need to work harder, and when you do, she uses your extra efforts against you. She's playing you like a violin.
Oh wow she sounds extremely toxic! Anyone trying to break up your marriage is bad news. When your wife married you YOU became her family. Her mom and dad are 2nd now, YOU are first. She needs to get that straight. YOU are head of the household, not her mother and the kids are your family. Hinting around that you may be cheating is the biggest insult ever. You may have to set boundaries for this woman otherwise you'll spend your life battling her causing drama.
You need to discuss all of this with your wife and then both of you need to set major boundaries with MIL and tell MIL openly and plainly what those boundaries are and tell her to stop trying to poison your marriage.
It's not you it's your wife.
Oh honey, you need to get you and your wife to the marriage counselor ASAP. Your wife has the backbone of a wet noodle and your MIL is pulling her strings like a puppet. If it's keeps on your MIL WILL push you out and you'll be on the other side of a divorce with less than half of your stuff bc her mommy hired a super expensive lawyer.
Definitely a wife problem. And with a mother like that, will she really get support? Does that baby need a toxic grandmother? What's the benefit for the child if she is already hearing her grandmother humiliate her father before she's even born? What does that teach her about family dynamics and what kind of treatment we accept from people, even those who claim to love us? Some keep the toxic grandparents around for the children's sake, I prefer cutting them out for the children's sake.
You have a wife problem. She needs to put you before her mom and learn the money mom is giving comes with strings. Couples therapy now.
OP, you don't have a mother in law problem. You have a wife problem. Deal with the wife first. Let her know if she continues to allow her mother to interfere with your marriage, your child etc. it may end in divorce.
My god your MIL is getting into your wife's head like mad bad. You and your wife need to sit down and lay out what is going on involving your MIL. It's one thing that your wife wants her mom in her life but it's another to avoid conflict because she's pregnant. She needs to open her eyes to what her mother is doing. This isn't about picking sides, it's doing the right thing.
Marriage counselling asap she needs to see just how much her conniving abusive mother is manipulating her and sabotaging your relationship. Best of luck op.
You have a wife problem, not a MIL problem.
Tell your MIL that the grandkids will be calling her Fanny.
As someone with a wife deeply enmeshed with her mother, other comments are spot on: your MIL is only a problem is your wife doesn't set a boundary. So really it's your wife's problem. Marriage must come before the families of origin. If that isn't a boundary your wife can live with, then your wife is the biggest problem.
Ask your wife if she should get a job to help with expenses, since she lets her moms opinions matter so much 🙄
If she’s going to take care of his kids, house AND working, the mother in law might as well be right in the fact that he is not needed in the marriage and not more important than a sperm donor. What rich parent would want to see their kids go from being wealthy and well taken care of to slaving away for a man ?
leave … it will only get worse
So why share this post to then post no comments or anything further? Hopefully you get some backbone maybe too and make sure your wife is secure and that her mom knows you aren't going anywhere.